#apparently geralt is not great with metaphors

[wolfmyth]

“ There are two kinds of people: sheep and sharks. ” w/ geralt

“….hmm….”

“that would be nice.”

he’s probably not getting the point.

“sheep in fields.  sharks in the water.  each getting on with their lives - never the twain shall meet.”

he imagines she means that the sheep are the humans.  less than aware, wandering blindly while the predators ( likely referring to those deemed ‘monsters’ ) circle.  but it would be particularly difficult for a shark to circle a sheep on land.

“unless you have some kind of sheep flinging catapult.  in which case…”

he shrugs.  visions of bloody carnage.  seeping red into the water.  the panicked splashing and feeble bleating of the wooly beast singing into a maw of razor sharp teeth.

“…or the sheep learn how to fish.”

shark flopping on land, out of water - rubbery bodies failing to cope, gils flapping madly as they try to breathe.  only for the sheep to saunter away for a tasty patch of grass…

…three kinds of people.

[annmarcus63]

I'm deeply curious to know how you might fix the fox-thing for the post-mountain fight because I can see jask forgiving geralt yet refusing to follow or shift now that he "knows" how much of a curse he is. I feel like that would leave its mark and wonder how their relationship might change because of it

Gosh, it took me so long to reply, but I got a small scene for you dear anon. It's not precisely the answer you're looking for but a part of it. Mix Jaskier and Geralt POV, hope it's not too confusing.

This is part of this post FoxJaskier

...A fox! I should have known. If life could give me one blessing, it would be to take you off my hands!

Geralt stands at the edge of the mountain, stern looking face and clenched fists. The wind's howling. Cold spikes seep into the exposed skin of his neck and face and he feels fine, perfectly fine. He wanted to hurt Jaskier, to finally drove him away. He succeeded by crossing a line, a delicate yet resilient line that bard and witcher have built thru the years by truly and deeply trust in each other. Jaskier love him despite his monstrous side, despite everything. Geralt loves him too, love the fox inside the bard, so... why did he cut so deep? Why? A simple fuck off would have been enough, so why did he have to be a monster? By the time Geralt turns and strides up the hill it's almost dark. The last blink of the sun illuminating the rock in a soft blue and gray hue. He needs to fix this. If Jaskier have been the one to shout his monstrosity back to him, Geralt'd have die... but Jaskier would never do that. Jaskier is not a monster. Geralt tracks the bard in the dark, even though he knows there's no way to fix this, he went too far. He lost his fox, his beautiful fox.

Jaskier is walking on the path with light footsteps, he needs to find a place to camp but, well...he doesn't care that much anymore. He's bleeding a great deal, dark warm blood leaving a trace behind, metaphorically, of course. There's no apparent wound on him, but he feels like dying. His fox trembles and cries uncontrollably inside his chest, Jaskier doesn't cry. He thought, both of them, that they were safe with Geralt. Geralt is...was...home. His mother words come back to him, warning him to never show what he truly is or else...

His legs walk on their own, this body is no longer his, he's the ghost of a monster. His fox whimpers inside his ribcage and Jaskier feels sorry for him, it believed Geralt loved him, not romantically but... what a moron. Naive stupid fox.

And then he hears his name

"Jaskier!" Geralt. His fox crawls and tries to hide. The witcher calls and calls for him.

"What do you want, Geralt? You forgot to say something? There's no need, I'm leaving."  As seeing a play, Jaskier sees a hand on his shoulder because he can't feel anymore, he realizes he's in shock.

Geralt tries to talk to him, to make him stop and listen but Jaskier keeps going. The moon illuminating the path, the unforgiving wind singing a cruel song for them. He has to fix this. He runs past Jaskier, a couple of meters so Jaskier can see him before he passes. The witcher calls to his true form, his shape mends into a four-leg animal, a white wolf. The bard stops dead on his tracks. The wolf whines as it bends his neck in a clear sign of reverence, its ears flat on its head, the snout between its powerful paws. To be reverenced by an animal form it is a custom from old tales of worthy heroes and kings. The white wolf cries and the sound shakes Jaskier's bones. Jaskier approaches the wolf, he has waited all his life to see Geralt's form, but this wasn't how he imagine it. The white wolf begs him for forgiveness and prays his regret in deep whimpers. Jaskier kneels in front of the magnificent animal. The wolf stands and tries to touch him with its snout, but Jaskier avoids it. They locked eyes for a moment and then Jaskier says "You're beautiful" just how I imagine you'd be "Goodbye, Geralt" The wolf whines one last time before his fox, his beautiful and perfect pack fox walks away from him.

What Geralt does it's considered a great honour. Something that Geralt would never have thought he would do for anyone not even Yennefer. and Jaskier knows this, that's why he tells him he's beautiful. Jaskier trust is broken severely so, but Geralt would keep trying to prove himself worthy of have a fox by his side.

Maybe Geralt would follow Jaskier around in his wolf form, idk, i want to write more of this, i'd like to know your ideas.

[relenafanel]

Dicks (in every definition): a fake-relationship AU

Geralt/Jaskier

Find it on Ao3:  Dicks (in every definition) by relenafanel

FOR THE MODERN AU CHALLENGE. WEEK 1: Fake-Relationships

Tag: witcherauseptember

________

“I can’t believe anyone could be such an unmitigated puss-filled dick,” Essi said, staring at her phone in disbelief. Jaskier groaned and let his head thunk on the bar.

“I can.” His sticky forehead was the least disgusting part of the evening.  He'd just come out to forget his ex, and maybe celebrate being free a little (as fucked up as that was) and quite frankly felt attacked by his social media.

“If I believed it from anyone it would be that narcissist,” she conceded, biting on her lip.

“I know,” Jaskier agreed. “That’s the worst part. I feel like it’s my fault being blindsided by this, as though I should have known something was going to happen today.”

Essi snorted. “It’s not your fault your ex is the worst.”

“No, but I was with him for almost 3 years. I don’t know. That’s my fault.”

“Don’t be stupid,” she said. “Look at this desperate fucker. Do you actually think he’s winning? He might be in a new relationship but the look of this guy makes my vagina want to shrivel up and die.”

Jaskier took her phone from her and looked again. Yeah. Yikes. Valdo was definitely scraping the bottom of the barrel with that one. Jaskier hadn’t even tried to join any dating sites post-breakup, but he was pretty sure there were better options. It wasn’t even the guy’s looks so much as he just screamed skeevy douchebag. It was making Jaskier’s metaphorical vagina also want to die.

“You need to get drunk. Maybe laid.”

“No,” Jaskier said, an idea starting to form as he looked at the relationship status change. “No. I need to match pettiness with pettiness. I need to find someone so hot that I’d have trouble getting him - let alone Valdo with his sad, small dick - and make sure to post a picture on Facebook.”

“Would that make you feel better?”

Jaskier smiled with teeth. “I think it would.”

***

It was their third bar of the evening and Essi was definitely sick of the manhunt. She probably hadn’t realized that when Jaskier was judging men fully objectively and not looking for matching personalities (relationship goals) or a willing body (one night stand goals) he had incredibly discerning tastes.

Probably too discerning.

“How about him?” Essi asked, barely looking up from her phone. She gestured to a guy sitting at the bar trying to make eye contact with a woman across the room.

“Ehh,” Jaskier said. “Sweater vest.”

Essi rolled her eyes. “But cute.”

“I’m not looking for cute. I’m looking for eye-searing hot.”

“I’m having trouble remembering how you’ve ever been in any relationships with these unrealistic expectations.”

“Valdo thought I was hot.” Jaskier thought about that for a moment. “Did I stay with someone for three years out of flattery?”

“Probably. Fuck. Get therapy.”

“I am.”

“You’re going to be working on tonight for a while.”

Fucking true. “Oh god, we just saw Valdo’s taste in men. Tell me true… am I ugly.”

“You’re spiraling.”

“That’s not an answer!”

“You’re spiraling!”

“Yes,” Jaskier agreed, pulling at his hair. “I’m so aware.”

“Based on the guy in his status update I’m going to guess you’re the hottest guy he could get.”

“You’re a good friend.” Jaskier pressed his head against her shoulder.

Then, a table opened up across the room, revealing the man sitting on the other side of it. “Holy shit.”

Essi looked up. Then she looked up. “Wow.”

“I hope he’s into men,” Jaskier said. “Or at least willing to play along with pretending to be for long enough for you to get a picture.”

“You’re going to walk up to that?” Essi asked. “You have more balls than brains.”

That was probably true.

***

“Hi, I’m Jaskier,” he opened with, dropping into the seat across from the gorgeous man. Up close he was even more startlingly pretty, with a chin dimple that highlighted his strong jaw and drew attention to his mouth. “And my boyfriend broke up with me two months ago, only to post his new relationship on Facebook today. Our three year anniversary. It’s the dickest of moves, right?”

The man hummed in agreement, but otherwise didn’t stop frowning in Jaskier’s general direction. Like someone waiting for him to get to the point. Jaskier saw that frown often.

“The reason for the oversharing is that I just forced my best friend to follow me to three different bars to find someone so phenomenally hot for me to spend time with and get picture proof, and here you are. I’d do jazz hands but you don’t seem like someone who responds well to jazz hands.”

“What are jazz hands?”

Whoa.

What a voice. What a sexy, sexy voice. Jaskier knew what he was talking about. He was a connoisseur of voices.

Jaskier wiggled his fingers at him. Tada! “Jazz hands.”

“Huh.” The man took a drink of his beer. “You want to use me as a revenge plot?”

“Exactly. Can I buy you a drink?”

The man gestured to his mostly full beer. “I’m not drinking to get drunk tonight.”

That was only a no to the beer. “Nachos or some other foodstuff?”

The guy seemed possibly interested in food.  

“Fine,” he agreed.  

****

Facebook: Julian Alfred Pankratz is in a relationship with Geralt of Rivia.

“Who’s Julian Pankratz?” Geralt muttered, staring at his phone.

“What?” Jaskier groaned, coming out a shitty sleep to a few realizations:

He’d gone home with the hottest guy on earth, which he should be pleased about, AND WAS PLEASED ABOUT

He might throw up

He’d done something last night. Something he’d said “that’s up for tomorrow Jaskier to sort out” because his drunk self was apparently a fucking masochist, and now Jaskier wasn’t really sure what that was.

Only Geralt was still scowling at his phone and seemed to know his real name.

So.

“Fuck,” Jaskier groaned. His mouth tasted like nachos and the regret of doing shots too late in life. He was 28 years old, not dead, but his hangover didn’t seem to know that.  “We didn’t get married , did we?”

“...”

Jaskier risked the light filtering in through the edges of the blinds to look at Geralt. His hair was beyond mussed - Jaskier didn’t know hair could get that tangled overnight. He was still frowning at his phone.

“I’ve been calling you Jaskier.”

“I go by Jaskier,” he promised. He was too busy having his own crises to deal with Geralt’s! For fucksakes. “Now, back to the marriage thing??”

“No.”

Phew. That was probably on him. He wasn’t sure people could actually get fake married overnight. Legally. He’d seen a lot of movies, though.

Ok. Next problem.  “I might throw up.”

Geralt turned his head slowly to look at him. Yikes. Too much beautiful-man-face in his face for this early in the morning.

“It’s eleven,” Geralt told him in the dry tone that told Jaskier he’d said that all outloud.

“Eleven after getting to bed at what? Five? Eugh, boo. Do you have any food?”

***

Geralt did have food.

Well, Geralt had protein bars and electrolytes, which was basically the same thing. Jaskier could always fall on top of a burger on his way home if he had to.  He’d finally looked at his phone by the time he was halfway through his breakfast.

107 new notifications.

What the fuck?

Julian Alfred Pankratz is in a relationship with Geralt of Rivia

Geralt and I were going to wait until announcing this wasn’t an asshole move, but now that it doesn’t really matter, I just wanted everyone to know that I’m doing GREAT.

Attached to it was the picture of the two of them together that Essi had taken with the caption of “I wouldn’t feel too sorry for Jaskier tonight”

His drunk self had a lot to answer for. No wonder Geralt had been scowling at his phone.

“I can’t believe I went Facebook Official with someone I haven’t even had sex with yet,” Jaskier mourned. “What is it, 2007?”

***

It took Jaskier almost the full day to recover enough to actually look through his comments on Facebook. By the time he had, they’d almost doubled and he’d made the mistake of clicking into Instagram to find one of those quintessential happy-relationship-our-feet-are-cute-together bullshit pictures. He had a different following on Instagram, mostly using it for pictures of himself singing.

Yikes. Yikes. Yikes. This wasn’t a contained problem, if you could call their mutual friends and families on Facebook that had been gathering in the wings for 15 years a contained problem . Fucking Facebook. Jaskier friended people he’d met once. He had a database of acquaintances. It was great for - you know - being a musician looking for gigs. He’d done 15 weddings in the last year.

It was pretty shitty when he’d faked having a boyfriend so people wouldn’t feel bad for him.

But, as he read through the comments and realized that some of them weren’t for him, he realized that maybe he wasn’t the one with the biggest problem.

Jaskier: Did you just come out?

Jaskier: Are you EVEN INTO MEN?

Jaskier: I REMEMBER YOU THINKING THIS WAS FUNNY AND AGREEING TO IT

Jaskier: BUT

Jaskier: I REGRET COMMITTING TO CAPS SO SOON BECAUSE I MEAN THIS IN CAPS AND BOLDED

Jaskier: WHOEVER LAMBERT IS JUST CONGRATULATED YOU ON FINALLY GETTING DICKED DOWN BECAUSE IT MIGHT MAKE YOU LESS GRUMPY

Geralt: I see you’ve read the comments

Geralt: my brother

Jaskier: YOUR BROTHER?!

Geralt: bold and caps?

Jaskier: and italics what the fuck. Why’d you let me do this?

Jaskier: wait.

Jaskier: WAIT

Geralt: there it is

Jaskier: this was your idea

Jaskier: did you use me to tell everyone you know that you’re gay or bi or whatever you identify as?

Jaskier: what a brilliant opportunity last night was for both of us

Geralt: you went back to sleep and didn’t process any of this yet, didn’t you?

Jaskier had been seen with that, fuck. He made a face at his phone even though Geralt couldn't see it.

A few moments later a response to Lambert popped up from Geralt himself.

@Lambert who says I haven’t been getting dicked down this entire time you heteronormative asshole

Followed by someone named Yennefer posting a picture of a strap on.

Who were these people? Could you love someone based on how their friends reacted to their ill-advised fake-relationship status change? Asking for a friend.

Geralt: for context, that’s my ex-wife

Geralt: we’re ok

Geralt: especially when she’s helping me fuck with my brother

***

Jaskier was debating the merits of asking Geralt if he wanted to come up with a break-up plan or just date when another comment showed up.

Vesemir left a comment:

You’ll bring him to brunch tomorrow?

Geralt left a comment:

We’ll be there

Vesemir left a comment:

Leave the frightening device at home

Geralt left a comment:

He doesn’t need it

This was followed by a string of variations of LOL and OH SHITs from about 7 different people. Jaskier watched it all unfold feeling like he’d stepped into the middle of something he didn’t understand - yet. He was definitely in trouble, if the way his heart rate increased at Geralt’s he doesn’t need it was any indication. It wasn’t even the dick reference, though that was amazing. It was the snappy, quick response. The underlying sarcasm.

Jaskier had a type. He could end a fake relationship that was based on seeing a searing hot guy across a room, but it was a bit harder when the guy had a personality he liked. If Geralt turned out to have a heart of gold, Jaskier was screwed and would probably be proposing marriage by year’s end.

Yeah, we’ll be there , he commented.

Geralt: my dad

Geralt: thanks

Jaskier: no problem

Jaskier : gonna call

“So I’m thinking,” Jaskier said the moment Geralt’s face showed up on the video call. He was squinting at his phone like no one had ever tried to video call him before.

“Hi,” Geralt replied, looking amused.

“I’ve been debating the merits of planning a breakup for our fake relationship or just… dating? I’m thinking maybe we should date? Do you have input?”

“Dating’s fine.”

“But do you… are you even attracted to me? Would you pick me?”

Oh fuck, what was that?! Something new to bring up in therapy.

Geralt tilted his head.  “You don’t know this about me yet, but I’m capable of saying no. Overly capable, some of my family might tell you.”

“So you’re not saying no?”

“I’m pretty confident I said yes instead.”

***

“As Jaskier’s best friend and the only witness,” Essi said into the microphone, holding up a glass of champagne to salute the two of them. “Our happy couple gave me full permission to tell the story of what happened the night Geralt and Jaskier met. Like Jaskier himself, the story is partially an embarrassing tale of bad decisions, half-cocked plans, and a lot of heart.”

Jaskier grinned, and nudged his shoulder into Geralt’s.

“And,” Essi continued with glee, “dicks in every definition.”

[postmodernmulticoloredcloak]

Time for The Witcher episode 4!!

So the last episode was Intense(TM) and also I finally realized that the show isn’t happening all at the same time but it’s following multiple timelines, which, better late than never. Now things make more sense...

Alright, bando alle ciance and let’s do this.

“Ciri! Ciri” Cirilla: yes? “Not you, I was talking to Siri. What’s the weather going to be tomorrow”

That’s such a stupid joke. Unfollow me right now, it’s okay.

Glowy Forest Intensifies... oh, there’s people now. Forest Dora Milaje aren’t happy to see her, which is understandable, I guess. But the boss arrives.

Meanwhile, except not meanwhile, a man has had a very bad day. Apparently the nickname White Wolf has stuck. Remember when we thought the MCU was going to make Bucky into a Black Panther character as the White Wolf, official media outlet even used the White Wolf as a title for Bucky, and then it ended up in nothing? Sorry for the digression but I really hoped we’d get Bucky written by Ryan Coogler and I was really disappointed when that didn’t happen but *waves around* all of that happened instead. I mean, technically it’s not too late to make it happen but Bucky is a Disney+ creature now, so, bye.

Hello Jaskier! My boy! I missed you.

Ah, the new media image campaign is working. 

“You never get involved, except you actually do, all of the time” I love this XD “I don’t do emotions or attachments” character who does emotions intensely all the time and gets attached to everyone they meet paired with “sure Jan” character who calls them out is a very good dynamic.

Ah, yes, this is perfect. I’m sorry but dark brooding protagonist and bubbly comic relief sidekick is my secret weakness.

No offense, Geralt, but those clothes did need a good washing after your latest job, so don’t make that face.

Blah blah royal affairs I should probably pay attention to.

“I am not going to protect you” [*Spongebob font* five minutes later...]

But yeah, the princess is Cirilla’s mother, I suppose, and I’m sure the marriage that produces Scream Princess is super important. She is very pretty and has lovely hair. Sometimes I wish I had long hair I could braid artistically.

The princess doesn’t want to get married to some strange dude, but the queen is A Very Strong Woman(TM) and has no time for silly things like her daughter’s feelings over the most life-changing decision in her life. She’s an interesting character for sure, and the narrative doesn’t try to frame her as either definitely good or bad, which is interesting.

Oh! Rat Boy isn’t dead! That’s great. That makes sense narratively, native forest women who suffered genocide from colonizers wouldn’t kill an elf boy who went through the same thing.

Promised husband is a shitty dude. Queen Calanthe likes Geralt, which, relatable. But she and her entourage are racist assholes, and the next scene with Cirilla and Dara tell us that their anti-elf talk isn’t just talk.

By the way, now we know for sure how much time there is between Geralt’s timeline and Cirilla’s.

The queen doesn’t like feminine dresses. Lady is trying to overcompensate a lot. But her banter with Geralt is entertaining.

The first suitor is from Nilfgaard, and in hindsight it would have been a wise choice to unify the two kingdoms... C’mon, poor guy is just awkward, he doesn’t deserve the humiliation. Or is he the guy who’ll make war later? The pilot threw too much new information at me the other day.

Yennefer is bored... and apparently 30 years has passed since the last we saw of her. (I refuse to try to understand when in relation to the other plots that puts this scene. Things will click together at some point or I’ll just accept whatever happens and nod along.) And coincidentally she is paired with a woman who laments being only considered important as a baby-producing womb. Oops. Awkward.

Not relevant to the show but my parents never get inside my room as often as while I am watching something on Netflix.

Yennefer thinks life as a court mage sucks, queen Kalis thinks life as a baby-maker sucks. They envy each other for what the other has, but they’re probably both right.

Well, boredom is no longer a problem.

Oh, poor queen, her husband paid to have her killed because she’s only given him daughters. Two episodes in a row about female heirs to kings, plus queen Calanthe being female and having a daughter who’ll have a daughter. Theeemes!

You can’t be rude to the only person who is your only hope not to die horribly, girl.

Queen Calanthe is frustrated she isn’t a man, which we could guess. She also likes the simplicity of killing, which we could also guess.

Oh! It’s almost pre-decided husband’s time to claim the girl’s hand in marriage, but New Guy appears! He’s been cursed and Mr I Don’t Pick Sides Ever No Matter What, guess what, picks a side. The audience is shocked. No one could foresee this unexpected turn of events.

Noooo the baby!!! Yennefer loses a rare chance to acquire a baby. This is sad. Damn this show doesn’t shy away from killing children, such a different feel from most stories we’re used to.

These people are weird with destiny. Calanthe says fuck destiny, Geralt says lol mood but just because you’re a queen doesn’t mean you’re above sacred rules.

OOOOH Calanthe says fuck sacred rules and it does not go well. Is this happening because she tried to mess up with the order of the world and chaos said hi? Was the princess always magical or did this happen because destiny will have its way no matter what?

Ah, her grandmother had it, she never manifested it before until now, when circumstances awoke it.

Queen Calanthe acknowledges destiny, and of course they’re all dressed in green like the mages of Feminist Hogwarts aka Chaos School. I should have paid more attention to colors but green seems to be the color of magic slash chaos slash destiny.

Then bam, red. Men. Violence.

Everyone in the forest is also dressed in green... Colors aren’t really my thing, you might have noticed that I rarely analyze colors in Supernatural and I’m not particularly into what which color means and I only notice things when they’re very obvious like the purple of transformation-slash-death, so, yeah, I am not the kind of person who notices colors until they slap me in the face. I guess this is my slap in the face by this show’s color palette XD

Also consider that I watch everything with f-lux on, so I don’t even see colors the way they actually look, I guess that’s why it’s harder for me to notice colors when everything looks orange.

Alriiiiight *disables f.lux for current app*

Oh. Oh. So this is how this show looks like.

Awkward. This is so embarrassing.

I should rewatch the whole thing with real colors now... well, another time.

Anyway, Dara has drunk antidepressant juice, but it doesn’t work on Ciri, because she is Relevant(TM) to destiny so she can’t forget her past otherwise the plot destiny can’t happen.

Sleep well baby.

Aaah husband’s curse is broken! Yay.

Geralt accidentally acquires a bond with a baby. One baby dead and Yennefer’s potential bond with her lost, one baby on her way and Geralt’s future bond with her created. So this is all about parallels based on babies and births. Cool.

In the future, destiny has arrived and indeed wrought calamity on the court and the city. Someone makes something gross with Calanthe’s dead body--a spell to learn the location of Cirilla. Trouble is coming.

Oh! It’s him, he’s not dead? And taking something from Calanthe (that will be relevant later)?

Ciri drinks stronger juice and goes to the ancestral plane, er, I mean has a vision of a Very Important Tree, sorry I had Black Panther stuck in my head from before.

Well this is very interesting and things are starting to click together and yeah it’s a weird ride but I’m enjoying it! I suppose only at the end of the season you get the full picture of why and when everything has happened so I’m just sitting here metaphorically eating popcorn waiting for things to make sense on their own rhythm. There’s a theme of motherhood and babies and it seems that Geralt’s destiny is to become a metaphorical mother for Cirilla? Or am I mixing him up with a similar kind of character with a tendency to become everyone’s mom? Anyway, I’m looking forward to see what happens.

[geek-patient-zero]

Intermission 1

Hey, how’s your day been? How’s the family? Good? Great. We’re gonna talk about vampires boning.

Sex among the Kindred is a... contentious subject in Vampire: The Masquerade. Can they have sex? Do they get any pleasure from it. Do they even desire it in their unlives? These questions spark online debates between the nerds who strictly follow canon and the nerds who’re just horny. Official Vampire: The Masquerade stuff like the novels and video games don’t help much, sometimes contradicting themselves in their own texts. At least the stuff I’ve seen does.

If you go strictly by lore, the answer seems to be a hard no. See, when it comes to vampire physiology, the key thing to keep in mind is that vampires are dead. They don’t breathe. Their hearts don’t beat. Their digestive system no longer functions. Which I guess means that when they drink blood it’s absorbed through the stomach lining into their veins where it just... sits? It’s probably explained in a sourcebook. Point is, many of the bodily functions that define something as a living organism don’t work anymore in Kindred. That includes reproductive organs.

There’s a way around that, something called the “blush of life”. That’s when a vampire uses the blood they currently have in them to kickstart their body into working again to help them appear to be alive. They can pinken up their normally pale skin, like the name implies. They can even eat and drink without immediately throwing it back up. And yes, they can get things working down there. 

But even if they can perform and go through the motions of sex, according to strict lore, they don’t enjoy it. They might go through with it anyway to try and hang onto a piece of their humanity, something Dire McCann briefly referenced back in Chapter 1, or they could use it as a manipulation tactic. But they don’t experience actual pleasure. There is something close to it they experience, but it comes from a completely different act. Here’s a hint: we’re talking about friggin’ vampires.

Every instinctual, primitive lizard brain action a vampire has is governed by their craving for blood. It’s what the Beast is all about. It replaces their need for food and drink, and it turns out it replaces their desire for sex too. The closest feeling they can get to sexual pleasure is the euphoria, the high, whatever you want to call it, they get from drinking blood. If you’re familiar with vampire stories, that isn’t surprising. Vampires drinking blood has been used as a sexual metaphor since the modern idea of a vampire was a thing, and this franchise is no different on that front.

That sounds decisive, doesn’t it? Vampires don’t fuck. They can, but they don’t want to because they get nothing from it. They get similar pleasure from drinking blood, and for them, that’s enough. Case closed, the end. Right?

You guys ever play the first Witcher game? The one with the “sex cards”, which you get every time Geralt has sex with a different NPC? One of Geralt’s potential conquests is a dryad, who, in Witcher continuity, only have sex for reproduction. Yet, if you pick the right dialogue option, Geralt will mumble something about sex helping with stress and being good exercise or some shit, which is somehow convincing enough to get the dryad to agree to a casual one night stand. Also, to make the scenario sexier, the dryad is naked, even though they wear clothes in the Witcher novels. And needless to say, she’s conventionally attractive.

It’s like that.

Let’s use Bloodlines as an in-franchise example. There’s the character Jeanette, a beautiful and flirtatious Malkavian wearing a skimpy schoolgirl outfit and pigtails. When the ghoul Mecurio is telling you what he knows about her, he says that he’s heard people claim to have “conquered that territory” but his boss, Prince Lacroix, says that vampires aren’t into that. Yet it turns out that, depending on your dialogue choices and decisions, your character can sleep with Jeanette. According to the dialogue between her and the player, sex between Kindred is different from the norm, implying that it involves one or both of them drinking the other’s blood. That detail might give it some wiggle room. But you can also hack her computer to find her “little black book”, which has star/asterisk ratings next to people’s names. Something tells me they aren’t being rated on their carotid artery-opening techniques.

(Your character gets a three out of five, by the way. Congratulations, you’re adequate!)

Later on, when you meet the suicidally depressed Ash Rivers, he says that one of the reasons he hates being a vampire is because he ‘can’t love anymore,” implying that he can’t get any pleasure from sex and might not even be able to have romantic feelings. You can’t prove him wrong with some loving, so at least he seems lore accurate. But in that same hub, you’ll meet Romero, a ghoul who your character can sleep with if they’re female (or male too, in the Plus Patch) in order to skip that zombie mission everyone hates. He’s not a vampire, but your character is, and seemingly has no trouble banging this dude despite his pick up lines being just as bad as Geralt’s. (”So I was gonna go out and get a prostitute, but you’re super hot, wanna have a go instead?”)

Bloodlines takes a “have your cake and eat it too” approach to Kindred and sex. There’s some lip service paid to the lore, but they also use implied loopholes and vague areas the player can fill with their imagination to get around it. I imagine many players would use similar methods to excuse the sex lives of their OC’s. That and, well, for some people sex metaphors like drinking blood aren’t enough. They identify more with the in-and-out, nerve stimulating, boob touching parts of sex and sexuality, and will look for any excuse to justify putting it into their stories, games, etc.

At least, back in the day.

All that stuff I just said? It applies to the older additions of the V:TM tabletop, which Bloodlines and Blood War are based on. The most recent addition, v5, made some changes. Changes that can best be summed up as White Wolf throwing their hands up and going “Okay, fine, Kindred can have and enjoy regular sex if they have high humanity. At least Humanity 8, maybe 7 but that’s pushing it.” That stuff I said about their bodies being dead and the blush of life is still true, and the best pleasure they can experience is still drinking blood. But they can still enjoy a good fucking if they’re not complete dickbags.

There’s bigger topics related to all this. About objectification, sexism, and the straight male view of sexuality that seems to dominate media. But those are much bigger topics for another time. Maybe I’ll touch on how they apply to Blood War in a later entry. There aren’t any actual sex scenes in the book, but sexual elements in general... That’ll come up quite a bit.

Two more things about the physical act of Kindred sex before I’m done. One, even in v5, sex stuff is tied to Humanity. If a vampire follows a Path of Enlightenment or otherwise abandons their humanity, none of that applies. They can’t even use blush of life and likely don’t care to. That might change when the v5 Sabbat books are released, but for now, the Sabbat Kindred remain limpdicks.

And two... If a vampire has their body perform life-like bodily functions, blood is used in the place of other fluids. Tears are an obvious example, and apparently Kindred saliva is diluted blood.

The rest I’ll leave to your imaginations.