#articlebyara

[revisedbellacode]

Take me to Utopia

An excerpt from the novel, Looking for Alaska stated that Thomas Edison’s last words were “it’s very beautiful over there,” I don’t know where there is, but I believe it’s somewhere, and I hope it’s beautiful.

My world revolves around sleepless nights, self-love, and apathy. The way I see it, investing attachments to people is tantamount to them inflicting pain on you. As for my defense mechanism, the only way to avoid such is to withhold affections.

Close to, but not entirely. I always wanted to know how it feels to be confident– that I am not someone you would abandon for no probable cause. I grew tired of being hard on myself, questioning whether or not something is missing in me – do I lack the credentials needed (good grades, big dreams, skills, etc.)? Am I not tall enough? Am I too thick? And all the other questions that would lower down one’s self-esteem.

It took time before I was able to accept the fact, based on a handful number of circumstances, that people do what they do if it’s beneficial for them and assume no responsibility for the pain they inflicted. It’s just a matter of time healing things in their greedy perspective – that I’ll eventually move on and forget things like nothing happened. I wish it were that easy; if it were, I wouldn’t be the most apathetic person there is, right?

Believe it or not, I am longing for a life where I could taste the bliss in this never-ending abyss— the state of things where everything is just good enough for me to feel human.

I wanted to know how it feels to be genuinely happy. I tried to wake up, not worrying about being abandoned just because I’m not good enough, take me to Utopia that I’m longing for because I know it’s beautiful over there.

We have a long way to go in the process of seeking our Utopias but let’s figure that out together at arabellajanee@gmail.com