#azran expedition: Happy Edition

[wordy-little-witch]

CoS Incorrect Quotes hours the brain rot is rotting the brain lmaoooooooo

P.S. While spoilers are limited, I also Refuse The Ending and so 95% of stuff is in my own little made up parallel reality bc ShepNax Sparks Joy

Kana: What's the most illegal thing you can do with one gold?

Shepherd, running on VERY little sleep: Exchange it for a hundred coppers, put them all in a sock, and then beat someone to death with it.

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Professor Clayton: Your smug self-assuredness is revolting.

Sarnax: I think we need to validate self confidence more, lest you end up angry at others for having even a sliver of it. I have done nothing wrong and I have a heart of gold.

Victoria: I think this message is extremely valid, but also Sarnax has implied wanting to set off the Yellowstone supervolcano, so what's the truth?

Sarnax: I want to set it off.

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Victoria: Let’s not Professor this into a worse situation than it already is.

Clayton: Did you just use my name as a verb?

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Shepherd, completely deadpan: Well, needless to say. Uh-oh Spaghetti-os.

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Professor: A mosquito tried to bite me and I slapped it and killed it.

Professor: And I started thinking.

Professor: Like, it was just trying to get food.

Professor: What if I went to the fridge and it just slammed the door shut and snapped my neck?

Victoria: Are you ok?

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Victoria: We need a way to lure in Vistani assistance

Kana: Perhaps we could arrange an entertainment event.

Sarnax: We could give them Shepherd's bath water.

Shepherd: ABSOLUTELY NOT!

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Kana, to Shepherd: You drink too much, swear too much, and your morals are highly questionable.

Shepherd: …

Kana: You are everything I’ve ever wanted in a best friend.

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Shepherd: I like to think of myself as a semi responsible adult here.

Kana: Sarnax is 70% of your impulse control and you know this Shepherd.

Sarnax: I feel like Shepherd is the more responsible one of us two though.

Shepherd: We are both 70% of each others' impulse control.

Sarnax: that is a fair assessment

Shepherd: Just two bastards in pinwheel hats spinning on the merry-go-round at dangerous velocities, holding each other’s hands so the other doesn’t fall off.

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Professor: I refuse to apologize for being weird or off-putting. That’s actually your problem. I’m having a fantastic time!

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Sarnax, to Victoria: you are harboring a deep wickedness....

Shepherd: whooooa, buddy, I didn't expect this from you!

Kana: yes, Sarnax, I had not expected you to be homophobic.

Sarnax: wh- no? I am not homophobic!

Professor: sounds like something a homophobe would say - especially after such a blatant call on her rights to love who she wishes!

Sarnax: ...... I do not care if you enjoy kissing women, love is love, but I draw the line at Strandanya

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Victoria: In my defense, I was left unsupervised.

Kana: Wasn’t the Professor with you?

Professor: In my defense, I was also left unsupervised.

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Shepherd: I like to play this game called nap roulette. I take a nap and don’t set an alarm. Will it be 20 min or 4 hours? Nobody knows. It’s risky and I like it. There might be dragons.

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Shepherd: If I say yes am I joining a cult?

Sarnax: From a certain point of view.

Shepherd: I’m in.

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Victoria: Hey, aren’t you Professor Clayton?

Professor: You a cop?

Victoria: No.

Professor: Then yes, I am.

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Sarnax: Honestly, I am so ominous and off-putting. So full of dark, cultish knowledge. I feed on the souls of the enemies I strike fear into -

Kana: You cuddle with a lantern nightlight to sleep.

Sarnax: Gherix is a protective and warm God, you're just jealous.

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Shepherd: Life keeps fucking me and I can't remember the safeword.

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Victoria: You don't need my blessing to go kiss Sarnax. In fact, I was pretty sure you were already kissing Sarnax!

Shepherd: Nope.

Victoria: In that case, as the archbishop of Shepherd's fully awakened gaydom, I give you my blessing to immediately leave and rectify that as soon as possible! Go now, my child, and kiss Sarnax right on the scaley lips!!!

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Victoria: Do you have any skeletons in your closet?

Professor: Literally or figuratively?

Victoria: I have to specify?

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Shepherd: alright, anything you'd like to add, Sarnax?

Sarnax: there are several things I would like to add-

Shepherd: -anything not involving Gherix?

Sarnax: in that case, no.

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Shepherd: *banging a pen on the table out of frustration*

Sarnax: Do not do that, Shepherd. How would you feel if I banged you on the table?

Shepherd: I—

Shepherd: I don’t know the correct answer to that question.

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Professor: Respect my trans homies or I’m gonna identify as a fucking problem.

Shepherd+Victoria: :)

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Professor: Who hurt you?

Shepherd: *snorting* What, do you want a list?

Professor: ...Yes, actually.

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Professor: HYDRATE OR DIE-DRATE!

Professor: *aggressively throws water bottles*

Sarnax: Uh... what is the professor doing?

Kana: He us attempting to yell mental health and wellbeing into us.

Professor: I APPRECIATE ALL OF YOU!

Victoria, crying: It's working.

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Kana: It's pretty cold outside.. wanna hold hands? We should stay close.

Victoria, blushing: Okay.

Professor: It's fucking summer.

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Shepherd, trying to comfort Victoria: What's the problem? Anxiety? Low self-esteem? Obsessive thoughts of random arson? I've been there.

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Victoria: Well, if you're not at least a little bit gay for your friends, then what kind of friend are you?

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Shepherd: Do you support gay rights?

Victoria: I’m literally gay.

Kana: She's avoiding the question!

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Shepherd: To be honest, I'm kinda pissed that I'm not asleep in bed next to the love of my life in a cottage with no obligations other than waterin' my vegetable garden and tendin' the herds.

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Arabelle: so I saw a bunch of older kids running around and being weird, will I be like that when I get bigger? Is that what puberty is?? Puberty is weird if that's what it's like.

Shepherd: puberty is really weird, kid, take it from me - i did that shit twice.

Clayton, choking on his tea: OHMYGOD-

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Tommy, upon learning his dad Shepherd is trans: oh. Can I ask a question?

Shep: yeah buddy, what is it?

Tommy: so if you're a man but had to make yourself comfy like this, then can I get horns like you? The same way?

Shep, mildly emotional: ah, not quite like that. But we can certainly make you a headband, bud.

Tommy: YAY

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BONUS

The Doc: I've only had Silas for a day and a half but if any of you fuckers come for him, I'll burn this whole gods damned continent to the ground.

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Shepherd: *trying to buy a Father's Day card*

Shepherd: Excuse me, do you have any that just say "You are my dad"

Associate: Well, I-

Shepherd: How about "You're stuck with me"

Associate: No...

Shepherd: You know what, I'll just get a blank one.

Shepherd: *writes* You are a father. This is a day. Here is a card. XOXO no refunds...

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Doc: Yes, I'm adopting Shepherd and you cowards can't tell me no!

The townsfolk: Doc, you can't-

Doc: WATCH ME

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Shepherd: whatever doesn't kill me vetterstart running, because now I'm fuckin' pissed

Doc, who taught him everything he knows: THAT'S MY BOY

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Baby Shep: I made this friendship bracelet for you.

Doc: You know, I’m not really a jewelry person.

Baby Shep: You don’t have to wear-

Doc: No, I’m gonna wear it forever. Back off.

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