#back to assigbments now?

[bunycube]

🐰🐰

[lith-myathar]

I think too that people don't perceive how hurt I get by this kind of thing because my first instinct is always to just Shut Down, hide it

Even my panic attacks aren't hyperventilating or anything like that, it's like my entire being just locks up, I can't move and I just freeze up and stare blankly ahead while I'm just screaming inside and wanting to vomit, or if there's no one around to see there's a lot of rocking back and forth and probably some kind of self punishment thing like smacking myself in the forehead (when I was in school and in another "you procrastinated too long and now you're FUCKED" situation with an assigbment I'd get these really visceral images/urges to bang my head against things until I just died and wouldn't have to be in the situation anymore, I never did any serious self harm but that's what came up), but it's still more contained than an overt break down and I actively hide my responses if anyone's around to notice.

I kind of wish I would just have overt breaks and attacks because frankly I never thought I HAD panic attacks until I found out they can manifest differently for different people, so why would anyone else believe that I'm falling apart if I'm not visibly crumbling. I feel like instead people assume I just don't care or something when they ask me to try harder/reprimand me because I just go blank outwardly, but inwardly I'm having a full on shame spiral.

[three--thirty]

im gonna cry ive been in such a bad mood the past few days and im so stressed abt an english assgnment that is due in one week but i wasted a week doing nothing and i have no friends because everyone hates talking to me apparently and the cat always gets in the way of doing work 2/3rds of the day and now she started swatting at me and growling and hissing so i cant even turn off my computer and no one in this house knows how to wait for people to say some in before entering a room and im so hungry but i cant i have no motivation to eat and even if i got out thwre itd be shitty snacks that dont fill me up but i have to make dinner tomorrow anyways which means even more work and my english teacher hasnt gotten back to me all day about something very important to the 6 page assignment he has due in 6 days and tomorrow i just know that all my teachers are gonna dump all the assigbments on me instead of spacing them or giving them to me today and ill have even more work and i have to do my chores cause i kept forgetting on the weekend and i was supposed to do them tonigjt but i was doing somethinf and now i cant and even if i did them tonight shed tell me to do it again in the morninf because its never enough for her but whatever. anyways im gonna cry myself to sleep or i WOULD but i need to turn the computer off but the cats being rude and i need to brush my teeth and its not likr id be abke to fall asleep for hours anyway