#barely able to drive
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#actually it's just that#I want to do my hobbies so badly#but I fucking can't#I get so motivated to do sewing for summer wear that I can't fucking wear#because I'm going to spend all summer with my heart rate in hell again#sweating straight through clothing in public#barely able to drive#if I even can drive this year#it keeps getting worse and I keep having to be more and more careful about heat stroke#I can barely get to the car without feeling like I'm gunna faint#I look like I've ran a marathon and feel like my core is in an oven even indoors#and I get confused and panic-y#so I don't like....want attention in public you know?#I already have a wheelchair#putting on ~an outfit~ to sweat through feels like putting a flashing neon arrow above my head#I am a naturally extra motherfucker I cannot physically like or sew normal ass clothing#I try to wear plain workout shit in the temperature-coolest options available#and I still end up dying at the corner store in borderline techwear on accident#looking like a sad clown honking my own clown nose
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It’s truly fascinating to see Lando contrasted with Charles, like Lando, sitting there looking completely normal: having a full meltdown over a slightly askew curl. Charles, purring: I look perfect. Lando, waking up, talking about how bad he looks, talking about how nervous he is. Meanwhile, Charles: no, I don’t feel any nerves.
#I think that explifies why I find lando by far the most interesting person to write about#and can generate truly zero ideas for anything involving Charles#I love an insecure neurotic man who’s barely able to survive being at the peak of his career#cannot relate to a man incapable of writhing in self-hatred#drive to survive#drive to survive spoilers#(barely)
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genuinely devastating that it's been four years since hlvrai came out and i still haven't seen ANY art of dr. coomer and dexter jettster together 😢 come on bro hes dr. coomers FAVORITE star wars character. they can hang out in the diner (from star wars: the clone wars)!!!! i think he would love that shit. we have the freedom to draw whatever we want and yet.........!!! 💔 world is a fuck
#genuinely tho if someone did actually draw that at some point (past or future) send me the link please 😭😭😭😭😭😭#hlvrai#sw#muffin mumbles#also u might be saying ''well why dont you draw it yourself?'' the answer is i cant do either of them justice separately#so as much as i really really want to. It would look like dogshit 😭😭😭 one day i will be able to do this idea justice#not today though 💔#also . sighs deeply. 🤓 the diner was actually in attack of the clones (the second prequel) NOT the clone wars!!!#attack of the clones is a live action movie!!! clone wars is an animated tv show!!!#people mess this up all the time and it drives me CRAZY. and by crazy i mean barely even mildly annoyed LOL
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i have no mouth and i must scream speech but for about insomnia hate hate hate let me tell you how much i have come to hate being awake
#took half an expired tops brand unisom . wheeeee medicine that does nothing and then the next day you're groggy for twelve hours#but i have to do SOMEthing if i don't Try to make myself sleep that's Giving Up and if you Give Up . well#this is the second week in a row that ive failed to sleep on a night leading into the work week and i know most of the external reasons why#like. busy day tomorrow so anxious. haven't given myself a full weekend in a really long time so strung out.#had important stuff to do earlier that didn't happen so dwelling on that. woke up at 9am and wasn't out of bed until ten thirty so like#i got more than adequate sleep last night but this does not make me feel less worried about NOT sleeping TONIGHT#because again. every time i have a night of big insomnia im convinced that it's the beginning of an unending trend#that will make me wind up like my mother who is lucky she gets more than three hours of sleep every couple of weeks#and while she's done this her whole life qnd has adjusted to it (as much as a body can) i just know. based on how insomnia is for me#that i never could. it would be exactly as terrible every time i would never be able to be calm while it was happening#anyway everybody send me your best knockout gas#AND. it's SNOWING. fuck everything i hate it all#tomorrow im gonna be groggy as hell and have to drive to work and back and have to be With It bc we're doing activities and shit#and have to be like the model of library enthusiasm when i barely have that on a good day. and not actually physically groan#every time someone new wants a card because it means i have to interrupt what im doing dor the next fifteen minutes to say a spiel#i know i shouldn't hate that i should be glad we're getting engagement. and i am. i just wish i wasn't the one at the desk#and im not good at keeping that off of my face or being welcoming when i dont feel welcoming#i haven't gotten to do processing at my actual office desk in months. haven't gotten to be Off The Floor#which certainly hasn't helped my overall stress levels. i need to not be socially on so much it's slowly pulling me apart#and then i get home wnd im too tired to do anything and my house also falls apart around me#but if i DON'T have outings i also rot . there's no solution to this problem. not without quitting my job which ill never do#bc in today's market id never get anything half as good as this ever again. and as has been established. this relatively good job#is still not good enough for me not to be emotionally and mentally falling apart
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sometimes looking at like Self Help Strategies lists for the symptoms I'm having is always just like:
thing that I already do
thing I have tried 10 times
thing I already do
thing that I don't have the money to do
thing I already do
thing I've been doing since I was 10yrs old to no avail
thing that is impossible given my situation
thing that doesn't apply to me
thing that I already do
thing I have already tried
hrmm, oh wait, maybe finally- OH, yeah.. okay. thing that I already do but it was just phrased slightly differently
thing I have already done
#I think maybe productivity tips help less if the reason you're unproductive is partially like.. physcial health and other extenral things#out of your control. rather than just like having trouble paying attention or spending too much time on tiktok or whatever#all the strategic to do lists in the world are not going to somehow prevent me from waking up with a debilitating migraine or whatever#or having external stressors or lacking resources and connections or other Productivity Essentials etc.#especially many tips involve stuff like 'cut off from social media' since thats the modern day time waster for so many poeple#and it's like.. lol.. i can hardly even maintain a blog even thuogh i actively WANT TO DO SO. 'shut off your smart phone!' already#done babey i fucking hate smart phones i shall never use an app unless i am forced to. 'delete tiktok' yep. already covered. tiktok and#all of those thinsg are my enemies. 'save money by cancelling some of your services' cool. already ahead of you.#who the fuck is out here paying for like 10 different subscription services. pirated videos uploaded to google drive and youtube to mp3#my beloved. etc. etc. and so on. 'socialize less' .........LOL.. if only you knew.. mr.writer of the article. i can barely muster#talking to friends more than once a month and even less if I'm actively sick (often occurence) etc. etc. ... hewoo#I think maybe instead of generic productivity tips I need more like.. how to refocus and be productive anyway even if you have a headache#or are nauseous or etc. Not that those are always things to ignore. and of course you should let your body rest and etc. But plenty of peop#e have mild physical symptoms and just work through them. Ithink something about the way my body/mind is SOO hyper attuned to all#sensory information just makes it like... constantly 'GRR well I cant focus on WRITING right now because my lef#t ear feels weird and my socks are too itchy and my back has a strange pressure and I'm vaguely warm and my eye feels some ssort of#way it doesnt normally feel and I'm hyperaware of my breathing and also nauseous for no reason' and like half of those things I#think '''normal''' people wouldnt even notice or at least would be able to just live through. but for me it's like.. nealry impossible to i#gnore and soooo distracting always. like 'wahh.. nooo we can't draw or get anything done.. my legs feel slightly heavy or something!!'#like............. ok......... who cares. thats not even a PAIN sensation it's just something weird. but it's just like.. NO. constant#mental alerts about the 'heaviness' of your legs be upon ye. Though Imean like.. yes.. 70% of the time I am in genuine pain#or having some sort of actual ailment with trackable physical symptoms. but sometimes it's just like... we could totally be working right#now and ignoring this silly thing but my brain is fixated on it for no reason uncontrollably. etc. etc. I guess it's the same way that like#most people can go to a grocery store without the whole experience being so overwhelming and so much stuff going on at once#that they have to rest afterwards but like.. in my own HOME doing NOTHING i feel like I should be able to not get overwhelmed lol. ANYWAY#Rolling my bastard little rock up a dumbass hill and so on and so forth
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im not watching the stream but ark said techno's dad mentioned bannerlord. if we get lost bannerlord content i will be a changed man
#PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE I WAS SO INVESTED#there are also two (2) deleted videos i would love to see again... i miss them#i've heard techno's dad has been digging stuff up in his hard drive and might be considering posting stuff ??#so it's been on my mind...#that 10 second video was so important to me. it's sitting in my list of favorites. privated rn 😔#cant watch bc i go in early tomorrow and also. gonna be honest i dont think i can do it jhfjfkd#i still havent really rewatched much of anything... still pretty hard on me to be honest#i can do a minute or two. my own clips ive posted and stuff#ive rewatched an admin abuse video and every video with zyper jhfjf. a tiny bit of bannerlord and mcsm#but like. havent been able to go back to smpe. havent rewatched things like the vr videos. idk#i do plan on rewatching the pokemon videos though im having a Pokemon Moment. BADLY.#it's all consuming. im so far gone guys#AND I WANNA POST ABOUT MY LITTLE AU BUT AAAAAUGH I CANT DRAW HIM AS A HUMAN I HATE IT#IVE TRIED. A LOT ACTUALLY ! I HAVE A BIG DRAFT WITH HIM AND IT'S ALL SHIT KFHFKH#might just draw his team.. idk#i wanna post art i promise. my last post was in january im dying#sorry im barely a person now i just have a lot of offline stuff i do now :V oh well#chat
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Anyway ✌🏻
#this me trauma dumping and venting now 🥰#the last 3 days feels like 3 years#i lost my kitten (while being away)#and i got the news while driving in the middle of ni where#and then immediately after i arrived at the hotel i got sick and barely was able to open my eyes#the 2nd day i managed to go complete the work assigned to me without passing out lmao#but after that i had to help deliver a baby 😀#with so minimal equipment and the ambulance arrived so late#it wasn't my first time but it was still traumatizing 🥱#but hey! the joy of bringing a life or whatever they say (liars)#and now I'm still not home and still sad and angry about what happened to my kitten 🚶♀️#and i have a stomach bug and can't travel home now#i guess thats it if you're still reading this wow kudos 🤨😘#also my mom thought i was dead chill lady i didn't answer my phone for only 12 hours 🤨#Anyway#fun and action#sira's shenanigans#<- yeah good i remembered this#i think I'm cursed tho tommy come lift it 😢
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hmmm thinking i need a better series name for the Leverage AU than reusing Leverage Consulting LLC, but my brain is sputtering on fumes the last few days and i can barely string together words to express myself in meetings to actual human beings
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
#my inability to coherently string together words is slowly and inevitably driving me crazy#let me finish this goddamn chapter please!#and no i'm barely able to code it feels like#just need this pos brain to work already please#i dunno#personal bullshit#since this is pretty negative and whiny
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guys is it joever ive been advised to fully withdraw from my classes
#me when i ask how i can participate while disabled and my professor says to withdraw 😭😭😭#which. fair. i barely have the wherewithall to drive rn but augghff lays on the floor. i miss being able to do things#courtesy of saii
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today:
an oven door got absolutely shattered (while cleaning, nobody did anything stupid)
we almost got in a car crash (not our fault)
hoping that tomorrow will be an uneventful day...... maybe ill just stay in bed 🤠
#the oven thing was thankfully forgiven (it was an oven at a friend's family cottage)#the car thing was so scary tho 😭 some idiot somewhere in front had apparently suddenly hit the brakes and almost caused a pileup#thankfully the friend who was driving was somehow able to brake in time since the friend riding shotgun started to shout#i rlly started trembling when i realized that the car behind us had only barely managed to slow down too#we stopped at the next gas station for a coffee break and naturally one of us txted the group chat 'we almost just died :D'#this solidifies my dislike for cars. im never gonna get a license (i don't need one) 💀#my posts
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I have a neuro appointment at the end of the month and I just really don't want to do this
#every nerve in my body says theyre going to be like#yeah that's weird welp I have no idea have a nice life#I've been repressing thoughts of getting better medication all month#I'm getting to the point where my bp and hr are really not controlled in the summer#they skyrocket every time I'm in the heat#I can barely start the car#It's gotten worse since last year I don't even know if I'll be able to drive once temps hit the 80s this year#I'm disoriented more days than I'm not#.... it's like they have my soul on a string and they're dangling it in front of me#I don't know how to react in a way that doesn't make them think I'm “ just crazy”
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Besties I’m gonna be able to like actually drive next weekend !!!
#I’ve barely been driving since my surgery bc I’m not suposed to#so I’m v excited to be able to drive my car consistently again and to to some more projects on it in a few weeks pending my next appt#but I don’t have to wear my brace anymore when I’m at work or when I’m just relaxing#which has been so nice bc it’s been a sensory nightmare for the past four months#it won’t be fully healed for a few more months but I should be able to be brace free fully in November !!!
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gosh i've got a haircut tomorrow and the road i normally take may or may not be closed (i am under instructions to 'walk to the end of the driveway and have a look and then there might be someone to ask'. guy who barely leaves the house problems) BUT the problem is i don't know how any of these roads link up because i don't really go places (GUY WHO BARELY LEAVES THE HOUSE PROBLEMS) and also i'm bad at maps. me vs google maps fight to the death match coming to my house right now
#the problem is i'm not smart in these ways#BUT I TRY!!!!!!#'b what happens when you get lost' miraculously i have barely been lost due to the small radius from my house that i am able to#venture. but the answer is 'call my dad and hope he has a phone on him (unlikely) and that he can describe where he means because#i also cannot seem to remember road names and numbers'#otherwise i just hope for da best 👍#OH GOD i just remembered the time that i got lost IN THE NEXT VILLAGE like i was driving around the housing roads for ages sooooo#lost and i didn't recognise anywhere and i pulled over to ask the only people around for directions and i STILL didn't understand#where i was or where i was going so i just. kept making turns and miraculously stumbled across my friend who works from a van <3#and who gave me directions in b language :P without him i would be there to this day i fear.......#ANYWAY am i writing these tags to avoid trying to read a map? perhaps <3#BUT I CAN AND WILL DO IT! it's just something that comes not at all naturally to me. BUT I TRY! ALWAYS!
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Me: it could be fun to an alphabet worth of edits for FFXII.
Let’s make a list for each letter…get stuck on X.
Hm…
XPotion!
Then I realized I was a fool and XII was there the entire time.
#at the same time I’m also like girl you could barely handle doing a week worth of edits for themes with the XII weeks 😂😅#who knows I might try some time#I haven’t been able to do anything creative in a while and it is driving me nuts#I have a huge list now for every letter#Q and X were hard 😂#Save the Queen saved me#quickenings too but I did not think of them right away#anyway light do one of the oc question asks soon if my brain decides to cooperate#I’ve also been working on FFXII Pokemon teams for ages (and one for my oc as well)#I should share those some time too#Meg uses Roar
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I think that part of what like. kills me about the whole media literacy and critical thinking aspect of enjoying media these days is that people refuse to like. contextualize that
A. Bad media can still hold significant meaning to people
B. Media made for a demographic you aren’t apart of is not inherently bad media
C. Media made for and consumed by the opposite demographic is not inherently shallow or flawed nor is it above criticism for its media tropes either.
#unimportant thoughts#i dont feel like dropping specifics in post but like. people online drive me legitimately insane#good example is Ready Player One. its an okay book but people LOVE to hate on it for being a shallow nostalgia grab for old male demographic#and like. yeah. but also comsider that it Was written earnestly by a man in that demographic? and that people enjoyed it???#and maybe im soft hearted but my Dad was a nerd in the 80’s so both of us reading that book and comparing our experiences with it and#learning about his childhood from him. it was awesome yk??? was the book groudbreaking or particularly moving? no#are there a lot of fair criticisms you can make about the book regarding its poorly written female characters and painfully male tone#throughout? absolutely. its not the most vile piece of media its barely mediocre and its not the best thing since sliced bread either#and it kills me because instead of being able to have conversations like thay#people just attack and attack and attack and ATTACK#I don’t know i think the rise of this booktook wattpad level romance smut is another big part of this#are those books incredible? no. definitely not. are they decent? yeah theyre fine enough#are their characters shallow; do they follow tropes; are the characters clearly romanticized objects for us to googoo eye over? yeah#so fucking what??? they arent winning pulitzer prizes theyre just popular online and easily accesible#people love consumbable media thats not an inherently bad thing#and i think its hypocritical for people to defend one and attack the other or even to attack both#media doesnt exist to be appropriately Deep and Meaningful before people are allowed to consume and enjoy it#like. i think theres a LOT of levels of undestanding compassion and respect that people need to reach before these conversations are worth#anything. because right now it really feels like girls and boys arguing back and forth on the playground over whos show is better#anyways. i could go on but i wont.#bottom line i suggest you take a deep look at how ‘realistic’ and ‘meaningful’ the media you enjoy actually fucking is before you start#critizing other media for being too shallow or unrealistic depictions of something#hate to break it to you guys but 90% of fictional characters are fictional and dont act like people irl ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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🌼
#after a short and painful night i woke up with a left sided nerve pain. i was barely able to walk#the medication has kicked in now so i'm doing better#my mom and dad switched cars for rhe day so my dad can drive me home in the high seated car#i almost cried because it's so very sweet of them to do this for me#we had a birthday party saturday afternoon and ever since then i've been on a level 7-9 pain - even during the nights#i'm seeing the neurosurgeon next monday to talk about the possibility of a hernia repair surgery#the way things are looking right now (and over the past 6 months) i'm heavily leaning towards the surgery#i'm mentally and physically drained at this point. i want to recover and start living my life instead of constantly being in survival mode#anyway - that's it for now. i'm gonna take a nice warm shower and pack my bags#until the next update :) for those who made it till the end: i hope you're having a lovely start of the week 🌸
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