#bc I went to long without doing it
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Some art from tonight. I meant to do all of the Robins, but this ended up being the only one that turned out somewhat okay. Maybe I’ll try again later but you get this for now.
#robin#dc robin#dick grayson#my artwork#dick grayson fanart#nightwing#nightwing fanart#sketch#inking#trying to make myself do traditional art again#bc I went to long without doing it
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interlude
Lost focus and drew a consensual workplace relationship (the inherent intimacy of hanging out in an artist's studio to watch them exist in their element got to me)
Zoom in for details I poured my soul into <3
(no reposts; reblogs appreciated)
#dc: why do paperwork when sy is right there#my art#artists on tumblr#fanart#cdrama#under the skin 2#猎罪图鉴#猎罪图鉴2#shen yi#du cheng#sy is also guilty he falls asleep in dc's office#how to say i trust you without saying it#i rarely draw anything explicitly romantic so this is how u know this show has gotten to me LOL#u know hilariously what ended up really convincing me that sy is a genius is how he uses like 20 diff mediums#AND IS GOOD AT ALL OF THEM#bro went from paints to sculpture to cardboard cutouts of beijing opera characters#what was his art school curriculum is there anything he can't do#my last uts painting went fast but this one Simmered for weeeks#which was great actually bc i could take my time pouring all my love into it <3#both this and the show itself is art about art and that feels very sacred#also did y'all know most of the songs in this show have to do with light and how you can find it in other people#like i've been playing 时光有光 and 和光同往 on loop#objectively the 2nd one is just ur average ost but the way tjc sings certain lyrics has wended its way into my heart#specifically 初心/真心的模样 like bro the longing
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my favorite bookworm
#ok as u can tell (like everything I post here) super rushed and scribble bahahahahahahahahah#trying to get likeness without many lines & as fast as possible…🥲#I hope I get better😆#today all I did was art#my hands have finally stopped shaking so much since I had Covid for a whole month (🥲) and I started tattooing a lot#but lots of practice bc it’s been so long🥲🥲🥲#I love how the tattoo turned out though#then I did an acrylic underpainting for an oil self-portrait I’m going to do tomorrow#bc the last one was in 2021😳 I posted it to my Twitter if u want to see#and then I went and bought LOTS OF BOOKS for my 2 year old nephew…need to get him started early😆#and then I got home and I had…15 min for this little scribble#idk I wanted to post it even though it doesn’t look like him#but the last eloise drawing I did didn’t look like her either😆😆#anyways bookworm Sebastian supremacy#I love the posr so tbh I might redo it sometime soon but like. actually good#and I need to do the next illustrstion for my fic I already have it sketched out and everything!!!!!!!!!#hogwarts legacy#hogwarts legacy fanart#hphl#sebastian sallow#sebastian sallow fanart
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You've told me about a certain... thing you enjoy, and I'm happy to indulge you!~
(all one take - improvised scenario)
feat: sneezing, sniffling, one nose blow (6:28), talking, playfully teasing, I induce for you, you induce me, general acceptance of the kink and kindness towards it, and continuous consent
#waterfallwav#recorded this without a script- just kinda went for it~#edited it pretty easily too as it didn't take very long or multiple recording sessions#not super heavy on snz but hopefully still enjoyable!~#just kinda somethin i had written down and wanted to try so i did~#thinking of doing a part two where it's more 'hold them back' 'please can you let me' type of deal but!!#no promises as always~ we'll see what i'm able/wanting to do as time goes on#but!!! hopefully someone can enjoy this sooooo~ here you go~#snz#snz wav#snzwav#snzblr#snz kink#snzkink#snz audio#and as always gotta edit this to remove that pesky auto 'soundcloud' tag bc uh! no thanks!
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missed these biches. loki's pose is based on of @jookpubstock's ref pics
#loki#odin#norse gods#norse mythology#sketches#i was going to see how long i could go without drawing#and how that would make me feel#turns out i cant do that for very long bc it makes me feel so bad#haha...#put odin in a hood and my internal eomer went he walks here and there they say#as an old man#hooded and cloaked#on a loop#anyway im off to sand all the doors and all the window frames in our new house now bye
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Hellspawn idea that hit me like a religious vision
Astarion can't stop thinking of the color of this flower Karlach found during one of the more idyllic moments of traveling to Baldur's Gate, and it should have been such an inconsequential moment. It was just a flower. But the delight burning in the embers of her mirthful eyes just sticks with him. And it's mostly annoying how happy she is about everything, but he also can't hold it against her when she, too, is adjusting to sudden, newfound freedom, and hers is much more limited than his.
And it isn't even a romantic moment or anything, right? Karlach just sees it on the edge of where the last bit of life was able to grow between the Shadow Curse and the land beyond it. She's STOKED. Bellowing in that way she does about this flower. She just takes a moment to enjoy it, then moves on. Doesn't pick it. Doesn't touch it. Just moves on with her day.
but this moment sticks with him and he thinks about it when they're curled together under the stars that night, his body fitting against the curve of hers, his cold weight soaking up every bit of warmth her overheated body will give him, and her arms are SO strong, but so gentle in the way she holds him.
The immortal forced to reckon with mortality bc this woman, who truly believe deserves a much better lot in life, only has a finite amount of time to appreciate the flowers and the sunrise and just. everything.
He'll still be able to live his life from the shadows and find beauty in the darkness, but Karlach?
He can see her death coming on the horizon and there's so much he actually wants to do, now that they're trying to make things real. and he just. is feeling the pressure bc he did waste time trying to get Karlach into a position to protect him and he'll forever feel bad about it (but not say anything bc that's his burden to carry).
So the immortal keeps thinking about this flower and what Karlach would look like adorned in beautifully crafted items accented in blue: gilded chains and cuffs adorning her hair and horns, sturdy leather dyed and stamped, fine silk embroidered with expensive floss, of all the nice things he wishes she could experience - because he promised her new experiences once they returned - and just.
When everyone's sleeping, he just spends that time sneakily embroidering this doublet he stole from a vendor the moment they entered the city. He's working against time, too, cus this is a gift he HAS to give her before her time is up. So, his skilled fingers move quickly, embroidering this black doublet with the most beautiful embroidery done mostly in blue, but accented with red, orange, and yellow.
He's almost done when Karlach tells him one night that she thinks she doesn't have much longer. Her heart is in overdrive and she can feel her body beginning to give out, to fail her when freedom was so close she could taste it. and it isn't fair. Astarion is SO angry at the world and at the Gods because he FINALLY has someone and. Time is running out. he feels even more powerless here because it really is just up to Karlach and whether she wants to keep going or not. He tries to talk to her about it, but usually they just end up fighting because they're both stubborn.
So, he avoids the conversation, mostly. Just tries to pretend the end isn't peeking over the horizon.
He doesn't give her the doublet right away. He doesn't want that finality, to give it to her and to know this may very well be the last time he gets to give her something he put his time into for her like this. and he has other gifts for her. a new owlbear to go with clive (even if he thinks that's juvenile, but he's not going to judge....well. he will, but not as much as if it were Gale who still had his stuffies). but he just. cannot bring himself give her this doublet bc he knows it's the first and last time she'll be adorned in something that he put together for her. the embroidered doublet is his labor of love, and the man does NOT like to labor.
embroidering isn't even necessarily his favorite thing to do, it's just one of his skills he actually has. he lacks self-confidence when it comes to what qualities he thinks he has that make him worthy of a relationship, but he can make sure his partners' clothes are mended and presentable.
When he finally gives it to her, it's after they take down Gortash. Karlach spends that very night alone, and Astarion cannot take it. He hasn't spent a single night away from Karlach since before they arrived at the Shadow-Cursed Lands, and now they're literally counting the days until they're taken from one another. He's big mad, seething, but very respectful to her bc he understands. he's not mat at HER, he's mad at everyone that took everything they could from her.
That's the first night he actually sits down and starts coming up with a plan. And it's a genuinely good one, but it's the first good one he's had in almost two-centuries. This is when he comes up with how he wants to convince Karlach to let him go to Avernus with her. He's not ready to let go and he is willing to murder his way through the Hells with her if he gets to see her smile about inconsequential things again.
He gives her the doublet the night before they plan to head for the Morphic Pool. They know it may be their last night together, so after a group meal, when everyone is winding down to turn in for the night, they make their way up to the roof of the tavern. They sit beneath the stars, side by side, but they're just sitting and refusing to look at one another.
Karlach is unusually still and silent. She's exhausted. Astarion swears she had his undead heart beating again, but seeing her like that had it stop cold in his chest. He tries to break the silence, to cut off his own thoughts so he doesn't spiral into despair thinking of the unknown, but just ends up reaching out to take her hand.
She's hot to the touch. He can feel that her temperature IS increasing and just. imagining what she's feeling and how she's been pent up this entire trip. like no fucking release from the pressure of this shitty heart that only does its job in the right environment.
She's the one who breaks it first. to thank him for his company. to tell him that he was a little fucking SHIT when she first met him, but she always could see something good behind the veneer of mischief hiding the fear in his piercing eyes. but she loves him and she's so, so happy to have been given a chance to love someone, to touch them freely, to feel loved in return. it was something she was missing in the last 10 years of the loneliness of being simple cannon fodder in an endless war.
and she doesn't want to talk abt this. she had been avoiding it, took him on their date to pretend like he wasn't doomed to be left alone in his eternity. And neither of them even MENTION the elephant in the room. like they're both talking circles around what's going to happen, but they're being honest about the feelings they have for one another. like the only thing they even voice concern for is not being able to take out the Absolute.
Under the stars, accompanied by declarations of love spilling from their lips, Astarion produces the doublet. Karlach is just ecstatic that she received a gift, but when she realizes HE embroidered it, she's just kinda like.
This is. the most beautiful gift i've ever received, fangs.
and her calloused fingers, fingers that had seen more war and death than anyone her age should have to, gently touch the floss, follow the design, and she realizes the particular shades of orange, red, and yellow are in her eyes, in her body, in her chest, all complimented by the blue thread he used as the main color of the design.
It's a design made of the sun, moon, and stars, trailing up the front, across the broad shoulders, and down the back yoke.
she's his sun. She's the gentle warmth of the sun's rays comforting him when he would rather recede to the shadows and fall back on old habits. she's his moon and his stars, his guiding light when everything seems like it may crash down and suffocate him. She's everything good in this world if you look for it. She's proof that you can be put through shit and still come out a decent person.
Karlach does cry, but it's nothing dramatic. It's a few tears, her own stomach and chest twisting with an overwhelming sense of loss and yearning; the loss of time when her light inevitably extinguishes and a deep yearning to stay. it's in direct opposition to her desire to die in the place she loves simply so she can keep living this life with the man she loves.
She puts the doublet on, wearing it that night while he cuddled against her side. They held each other beneath the stars, until it was time for Karlach to get some rest for the upcoming battle. Astarion spends that entire night just watching her, playing with her hair, getting every last touch he can, then makes a vow that he WILL save Karlach, just as she saved him.
#bat rambles#hellspawn#karlach#astarion#bg3#i'm dying on the hill that astarion's preferred way of showing love#would be gift giving (making sure his partner is taken care of) and touch#but like the former he would NOT draw any attention to that's between him and his partner#like generally gift giving with him is someone just finds it wrapped up on their bed like he's a cat#or in some cases#he'll just casually give it to them during an unrelated convo and. not mention the gift once#for example i imagine when he and mercy are going through loot#to decide what to keep and what to sell#astarion will sometimes pick a ring from the bunch#or maybe he had one he had found while actively looting and tucked it away specifically to give#but he'd just reach over to put the ring on one of their fingers#then go back to what he's doing#just gestures like that#he's dramatic but i think he'd be awkward with gift giving#bc part of it is just how long he went without y'know#once he loves someone he just needs all their needs to be met and then some#one day i'll actually write this out but#here's a quick play by play of what i keep envisioning lmao#long post#bat writes#fic idea
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The 1999 combat theme and its foreshadowing because the autism got to me and I spent too long trying to figure out this soundtrack
Jumping off from @brokenjardaantech's WITW music analysis post here - go check it out, it's very insightful and lays the foundations for what I'm about to talk about! And thanks to @theterribletenno for the burst of inspiration by giving me a massive oh shit realisation in the most chilling way possible LOL
Spoilers under the read-more; TL;DR at the end :'^D
To preface, the soundtrack is structured in an ABC structure with bridges between A and B, as well as another between B and C that borrows from A. The key starts in Cm, briefly modulating to Gm in section B then back to Cm during the second bridge, and settling on Em for section C. In-game for WITW you most likely will only hear up to the first bridge since the Technocyte fight only goes for around a minute long
Sections A, the bridges and partially C feature genre similarities to grunge rock with fuzzy guitar chugging, whammy bar, and palm muting, while the drums are notably sharp snares (except for the first bridge, which are clean bass kicks that gradually distort transitioning into section B's style). Musically, it sounds like a typical fighting soundtrack meant to hype you up - the melody is confident and likes to push and pull its rhythm. But in section C it notably become emptier in its layering while keeping the distorted drums, placing emphasis on the lyrics (which I'll get to below lol). Heavier syncopation and polyrhythms are also introduced.
Section B however is the main outlier. This section is where it most strongly resembles industrial rock: rhythmic synth layers begin to accompany the melody (a pedal point line that plays every semiquaver/sixteenth note), synth drums replace acoustics and the guitars drop the fuzz that is characteristic of grunge and steadily strum every quaver/eighth note. Compared to the push and pull rhythm of section A, this section is steadier, less chaotic than the other sections, it wants you to focus on this section.
Notably, the lead guitar introduces a familiar leitmotif: This is What You Are (which @brokenjardaantech goes more in depth regarding its use in WITW). Here, though, its second chord becomes flattened (Dm -> D♭m) and introduces a diminished, dissonant sound. To me this was the first hint that the song may actually be about Arthur's downfall. This is What You Are is a musical leitmotif that recurs in moments of vulnerability, especially when someone is at risk of losing their sense of self, their identity and what they are. It plays during The Second Dream when we discover the Operator, during the New War when Eidolon!Lotus just lost herself to Ballas and can't recognise the Tenno, and in WITW during the Vessel "fight" when the Tenno is forced out of their Warframe.
I was prompted to actually dig more into the lyrics because I saw @theterribletenno bring up something really interesting
In this specific song, the leitmotif is diminished, it's corrupted. "Surrender to the corruption" - this is what Arthur is afraid of. I brought up earlier that section B had a genre shift. The contrast of the music is important, it's highlighting something, and together with the musicality of the leitmotif, it's making a sense of urgency and danger. The leitmotif is a warning to Arthur.
Section B sings these lyrics:
Break it, break it, Break it open!
Compared to the desperation in the other lines, these two lines are sung mockingly. The Infested are trying to break Arthur, and are succeeding. Their voice is becoming his. But there are actually two vocal lines in this section - you can also hear muted backing vocals in a much less aggressive and lethargic tone warning that "Disillusion". Arthur is trying so hard to keep his own voice and stay clear-minded but it's being drowned out and he's nearing his breaking point, and Albrecht, based on the Codex Fragments you find, is well aware of this.
In section C, while the layering is less intense it's noticeably more heavily syncopated and polyrhythmic, and introduces new (accompanying) echoing and dissonant synth layers reflecting the confusion and disorientation that Arthur begins to feel (these synth layers are actually introduced in the second bridge, but are more easily heard in section C). Section B and C also keep the synth/distorted drums that section A and both bridges lack (at most it's a reverb in those sections); the industrial sound of the song becoming associated with the increasing influence of the Infested over his humanity.
So I tried deciphering more lyrics for each section; I haven't figured all of it out and most of it could very well be wrong because of how heavily clipped the vocal line intentionally is so I don't want to make anymore assumptions than I need to, but I can understand enough of it to realise that the song is foreshadowing Arthur's corruption to the Infested. In green are the lyrics I'm confident are correct:
A:
Sting it, sting it, sting it! Sting it, sting it, sting it in the flesh!
Bridge:
I don't understand! It brings more disease!
B:
Break it, break it, Break it open! (Disillusion)
Bridge:
Sting it, sting it! Sting it in the flesh!
C:
Who's dreaming? Who's the [???] It's a vision[?]!
TL;DR: the grunge/industrial genre hybrid represents Arthur's humanity/Infested respectively, and the song becomes increasingly industrial as the song progresses, most noticeably through the increasing distortion of the drum sound. Section A sets the stage, section B serves as a warning to Arthur that he's losing his sense of identity as the Infestation drowns out his "voice" while a dissonant version of This is What You Are plays, and section C is him experiencing confusion and disorientation as the Infestation continues to corrupt him.
#i'm assuming the last section might be about the tenno transferring to arthur since the singer brings up dreaming specifically?#please correct me if i misheard any lyrics the auditory processing do be processing badly#wf said we took the themes of grief compassion and identity and are throwing it back at you tenfold#warframe#warframe spoilers#warframe 1999#wf arthur#audio#music#i haven't done musical analysis in a long time so i've forgotten some terminology especially with audio mixing rip...#but yeah idk i enjoyed this soundtrack it's musically simple compared to wf's other stuff but a lot of thought went into it thematically#i love when music tells a story in itself through its sound rather than lyrics#bc even without the lyrics the intention behind this song's composition is still very clear
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They keep taking me to museums which is great but I Swear everyone keeps rushing through the god damn exhibitions & no one wants to read the plates or actually look at the items & all that i NEED to go to a museum ALONE.
#NONE of these people want anything to sink in they dont wanna think about how long ago Whole Species Life Changing Thing happened it sucksss#Id be reading something then i look around & see everyone's went to the next floor without telling me BITCH!!!!;;!!!#WHY GO TO A MUSEUM WHEN YOU DONT EVEN CAREEE.#I DONT CARE IF YOU RENTED A TOUR GUIDE THEY TALK & WALK TOO FAST FOR ME TOO LET ME LOOK AT THE WALLS BY MYSELF. GOD.#I gotta go on a trip to Jakarta / Taman Mini alone i really need to do that itd heal me. No more rushing through exhibits.#No more feeling tired & like a burden bc I cant walk for too long without getting tired. No more weird looks about what i order for food.#I get to buy the merch that interests me & not like 3 more fridge magnets or a tote bag. I can take my own photos.#Brb planning a future trip for myself alone I dont want anyone coming with me at all just me. my phone. the public & my bag.#I dont wanna go to group outings anymore at least let me like stray off from the group please#nillas
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Also I'm just gonna say that even if it were true that Rodimus was a """""true Prime"""" and Optimus wasn't, that isn't as much of an L for Optimus as people seemingly want it to be.
Like so you're telling me Optimus was never a chosen hero and the burden of the Matrix/leadership pained him morally, emotionally, and physically, yet he still survived 4 million years of war?
You're telling me he wasn't God's Designated Special Boy but he still tried his best to live up to that impossible ideal to the point of developing serious depression and suicidal ideation as a result of so much goddamn loneliness and self-doubt?
Optimus wasn't a "true Prime" and yet he still believed in ideals of reconciliation and ending the cycle of violence? He wasn't a true Prime but he still stayed on Cybertron trying to fix a broken, broken society while also trying to stop Earth from being invaded for a second time? He didn't even need to do that he could've just stayed in exile which he was originally supposed to do all along, and which he would've personally preferred?? You're telling me that Optimus wasn't Primus' Specialest Boy And Chosen Leader and yet he stepped into leadership anyways bc he perceived that there was injustice to be fixed??
Wow yeah I guess Optimus is just such an inferior leader, clearly his actual actions/moral character as person don't matter and his "worthiness" should be judged solely on whether the Magic Cybertronian 8 Ball liked him or not.
#squiggposting#idw op love#literally the more you deconstruct it the less sense it makes#ppl want rodimus to be Validated By Canon as being better than optimus soooo badly#i get it you cant like rodimus without shitting on optimus#however when you get canon wrong i can and will roast your theories#if optimus went thru everything he went thru but somehow still isnt worthy of the matrix#then what WOULD make him worthy??? like seriously#fighting to protect organic species from colonization didnt make him worthy?#trying to find diplomatic resolutions to a 4 mil year long blood feud isnt worthy enough?#doing all of this at the cost of great personal suffering to himself doesnt make him worthy??#being willing to fight and imprison his own autobots for trying to break the peace wasnt enough?#becoming villified by most of earth/cybertron by forcing them to cooperate wasnt enough???#optimus siding with the ultimate victim of cybertronian oppression and 'defeating him' by acknowledging his pain#isnt enough to make him worthy?? THEN WTF IS ENOUGH TO YOU PPL#nothing bc 'worthy of the matrix' is just code for 'validation of my fave'#and most of the ppl in this fandom dont even know OP did all of those things anywYs#also like MOST PEOPLE arent wielders of the matrix are they unworthy too???#WHAT DO YOU MEAN WORTHINESS?? WHAT ARE THE IMPLICATIONS OF THIS ALLEGED WORTHINESS#ON THE MORAL AND THEMATIC FABRIC OF THIS STORY????#literally idw optimus embodies the same values that rodimus does#it's all about love and forgiveness and building a better future and choosing kindness over violence#And if you dont get that optimus represents those just as much as rodimus did well#you prolly didnt read very closely lol
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girlie shots + alistair getting the killcam on the archdemon like a fucking mad lad
#abbey plays dao#its 5.42am. lol.#i had to do the last part without morrigan and zev bc they both went down and revival takes sooooo long to recharge omfg#PHEW
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ok yk what. now that i’ve had some time to process nghy canon, considering the current pacing of gen retcon, i think their next step is as ✨clear as day✨

i really like seeing them happy together, but i truly do think that they should divorce and either live the rest of their lives as single besties; partners in hero/heroine-isms, but better off as just friends, or go their separate ways for a bit and get back together when they’re a little older and wiser, staying together for good this time around, as each other’s first and last boyfriend/girlfriend
#‘haven’t you had quite enough of pushing your divorce agendas??? like with lxl????’ no. never.#idk i think part of their charm was nagisa’s patience and genuine earnest love for hiyori#and hiyori’s determination to achieve her goals of becoming a true heroine in every sense of the word…#but the current pacing is kinda… um. i really love how nghy is now truly canon ofc. but… it feels too rushed?#like they’re just checking off a box on a ‘relationships to go’ checklist?#and nagisa’s sudden second confession? in a throwaway line? what was that all about man… when did that even happen? excuse?#i think it’d have been more meaningful if hiyori was the one to confess without any prompting (to lead to their relationship)…#and. uh. don’t take this the wrong way but… noontea seemed a little peer pressure-y to me.#it kinda felt like juri and chizu were pressuring hiyori into getting a bf… it’s been eating away at me ever since i tried to tl it. but.#…idk. point is. i think a relationship built on those foundations (peer pressure/fomo and a suddenly persistent guy(???)) is doomed to fail#and so i think nghy should divorce. maybe they’ll reconnect romantically in a few years#(fulfilling nagisa’s agreement to be hiyori’s ‘last bf’ as well as having been her ‘first bf’ during their first try at a relationship)#or they could just be besties till the end of time; having been each other’s hero and heroine once upon a time#ik hw doesn’t do breakups of their main couples (not since nakimushi kareshi eons ago i think…)#but i think they should give it another go for nghy. maybe it’d make their love story a little more compelling#and maybe we could all unite under the cheers of hoping that ng and hy get back together in the future as more mature adults…?#idk i just. think the ‘right person; wrong time’ trope could work for nghy#like how it went in sukiuso/heroika with nagisa’s failed confession#even then they were the right person for each other; it just wasn’t the right time for them to date (personal goals/long distance/etc)#so maybe. this time ‘round even though they’ve started dating circumstances could still pop up here and there and maybe…?#…but idk~~~~~~~~ maybe it’s just the 5am thoughts or something that’s finally putting my incoherent trains of thoughts into words…#point is!!!!!! the current pacing is awkward!!!!!!!!! nghy deserve better!!!!!!! and their love story needs to be treated with more care!!!!#idk are hw trying to speedrun nghy for h10w bc nghy’s. like. a mix of different features of their previous couples#which would make ‘em the perfect couple to bring h10w together(???) or something???#but idk. im still really really happy the nghy is canon but. there are some mixed feelings here and there too…#idk dudes this has gotten way too long for its own good so ig i’ll stop here…#live laugh love nghy canon but… i still think they should break up for *at least* a year or so to reasses their relationship#sorry nghy… it’s for your own good i swear… i truly want you to be happy together!!!! i really do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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when my roommates put things back in the kitchen incorrectly it makes me frustrated and angry. apparently, did you know, this is not a thing all or most humans experience ? some people don't have an intense emotional reaction to things not being stacked in the optimal way, or pans not being put back in their "usual" spot. did you know this. did you.
#personal#I'm having an online interview on autism tomorrow and so I'm researching and reflecting more#not like this is ground breaking or anything but just. it's interesting to me that this typically doesn't elicit an emotion for people.#I've been crying a lot over autism videos#I haven't had a chance to process my diagnosis yet really and there's still so much for me to learn and accept about autism#like feeling shame and guilt bcs of disability has been a huge problem for me lately. not being able to accomplish what I want to.#and seeing videos of other autistic ppl who were really attached to the idea of who they would become when they got older#or identified a lot with who they were while masking#and now have to let go of those things. and figure out who they actually are and are capable of doing without burnout.#whoof man. its a lot. i still haven't let go of who i thought id be when i grew up. to the extent that said struggle is part of my identity.#it's just. I am autistic. several medical professionals familiar with autism saw me and went 'yeah you are autistic'.#I spent so long learning how to better cope with my depression.#and it turns out some of that advice is opposite to what you need if its autistic burnout instead#which im gonna assume i just kinda had both going on at various times#i just. im not sure what to do with my life.#but i guess first i have to make my life more baseline liveable and enjoyable before i start pondering that#change is hard. basically. thats what this was about.
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honestly at this point someone should just hire me to find where their system breaks down. because if there is a crack in the system I will somehow miraculously fall through it.
#like seriously the fact that at every stage of things people have dropped the ball on my paperwork#like for a bit it was like hmmm is this incompetence or deliberate sabotage of someone losing the paper on purpose or whatever#but at this point is has just wrapped back around to the kind of chain of events you only see in tv to convey the person is having a bad day#and cannot win#oh i finally got the referral in? it got losr#i have to get my letters i get misgendered and have to get that fixed#i get another letter too#i get three letters and two go missing#i get told it fine i don't need them anyway#the waittime is so long those letters expire#i need new ones#i have new doctors bc again long wait time#i get one of the new letters easy#the other. turns into a multimonth ordeal#of explaining what needs to be in the letter that it does have to specify the surgery yes the surgeon office specifically requires this an#and told me please fix it#it needs to have a signature (a wet one but please this thing isn't even signed)#oh i finally have a date??? please get this letter in please stop saying it'll get done and then not responding for two weeks and making me#have to call again. ok finally that's done. consult. that goes great. oh the notes. misgender me#and have a lot of weird things in it ok whatever please clarify that ok new consult ok that went well time for scheduling surgery#what do you mean they forgot to put in the surgery request#no wonder it felt like i was waiting a long time to hear anything back#the bottom surgery saga#anyway i always worry about being annoying and that im calling too soon and being impatient but then this shit happens so no i do actually#have to call back several times and two weeks should be the absolute longest i go without following up#because i have comedic levels of paperwork fuckups#that honestly can't be deliberate at this point because it's every. single. time. and the doctors are actually supportive#i just have the inexplicable ability to have shit go wrong
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i feel so dumb bc of this whole flat thing bc yeah i could've just refused to be put on paperwork for the sale & to be added as an additional person to the loan while my brother's name is nowhere to be seen
bc yeah i was thinking about distancing myself from my parents but i can't go completely no contact bc i do have love for them and if i refused i know they would never forgive me and i just can't deal with another dose of quiet anger from them
#but at the same time this whole situation felt weird to me#like my father was desperate to somehow keep me and my brother in debt to him so we can't ever truly leave#and what better way to do it than locking us in a loan that will take around 7 years to pay off#and for us to always know we are living in this flat only because of him bc we could never dream of getting enough money on our own#idk man idk i want to die or at least run away from this whole thing & this whole country#oh and also they're buying the flat my brother liked more#even though the one i liked was in such a good shape there wasn't anything needing fixing only cosmetic stuff#and yesterday my brother told me he will burn through his savings bc fixing the floor is more expensive than he thought#lol lmao even almost like there was a cheaper option in better shape also. almost like there was a choice and no need to buy the first one#without even seeing the second one. oh and of course they went without me bc i'm not exactly important in this whole thing#god i'm getting worked up again and this is such a long po#*post already#myśli w głowie przeróżne
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yeah sure that's how i'll [re]come out

#zymart#zymtalk#rant in the tags ->#okay listen to me this is really important and also i have a witness. this was not intentionally supposed to be posted on june 1st#the stars just aligned for this to be at its funniest. which means its also easier for me to dismiss LOL#i drew this like a week ago after trying to draw a whole like. 5 page comic about it and then stopping it mid-board#bc it was horrifying imagining being perceived that much. so i needed to make it into a joke instead and this was the funniest route#and then i was like 'UGH. UGH!!!! i can not be 20 and deal with this like im 13. if i dont post it by the end of the week#then [the witness to all my rants on this topic. shoutout to twig bc they got the most of it] can joke abt it as if i did anyway'#and now its the end of the week and i looked at the date and went 'oh my god didnt may just start what happened'#'WAIT ITS JUNE FIRST. GOD. THATS TOO FUNNY TO NOT SAY SOMETHING' and who am i if i dont prioritize the bit honestly#in all honesty. kinda hate it! not bc of internalized homophobia but actually bc of internalized arophobia that has somehow been emphasized#after having my brain shift from '1000% aromantic without a doubt no exceptions' to 'just arospec ig lol??'#but tragically as it turns out. you can not just try and self analyze yourself into speedrunning closure.#horrible news for the oscar zymstarz community frankly#SO i needed a way 2 justify shoving this off my plate and into the trash as fast as possible.#im impatient and cant acknowledge my own emotions. its a flaw im working on it#oh and for all the ppl who know the running gag abt 'my allegations' [i do not have any real allegations for anyone not in jems server]:#that was in fact just a running gag for like well over a year and a half. like that was just a long running bit COMPLETELY unrelated to thi#i only started having this weird sexuality shift or whatever not too long ago lol. like long enough to go through 4 of the 5 stages of grie#[evidently bc like. im posting this. i got close enough to 5 to throw in the towel ykwim]#but on 'oscar zymstarz emotional acknowledgement' time that is....... not long.#but yeah ig tldr like. still ace [thank god] just arospec [probably demiro? i hate trying to figure out my own labels] instead of Aro now#idk none of this is that deep but also like it kinda is unfortunately bc i have to actually talk abt it to be able to ignore it ykwim#but i did! we're done talking abt it now! and now i can act like i dont care and try to make jokes about it to speedrun the rest of it#anyway. Happy Pride everyone. Fukign kitty.#side message to jem. by no means does this mean im not still gonna bully you. its a sign of love but also it is you specific bullying 🫶#you are not safe#edit: this is karma for saying 'thank god'. might be demiace too. this is the worst month of my life /j
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