#be just spread and judged everywhere on the internet immediately after it happened

[kingofmyborrowedheart]

Just realized that for the past few Grammy’s they’ve stopped putting the cameras on the nominees when they’re announcing the awards and I for one am a fan of that.

[itsthrowawayyyyyblog]

I never thought I would be back here a few years after I deleted my old blog/s, but here I am.

Why am I back, you ask?

2020 has been a rough year for a lot of people, including myself. It started off well for me! I spent a week in Toronto for training at my old job and got to meet some wonderful people. I travelled for myself for the first time and I found it freeing. Imagine taking a trip to a place you’ve wanted to visit for a while, without having to answer to anyone. It was great! I stayed at a condo and it was right next to the Rogers Centre and CN Tower and the balcony view was FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC. Imagine “going home” there after a long day at work, opening the door, looking to your right and seeing the CN Tower lit up. I saw that for 5 straight nights and I got to say, it was an experience. I also saw the Raptors play! It was on my bucket list, and I never thought I was going to be able to see them play, until 2020. I had the time of my life in Toronto, went back home and I was generally happier with my life and my expectations for the rest of the year were high. I mean, surely, the year is just getting started and good things are happening - it can only be better, right?

Right?

Then COVID happened. California and Australia were on fire, a black man was killed through police brutality, sparking riots all over the world. Governments failed to respond adequately to the COVID crisis, leading to lots of deaths and lockdowns to mitigate the spread of the virus. Injustice and incompetence was seen left, right, and centre.

It took a toll on me.

I was lucky to be able to keep my job during the beginning of the pandemic. I stayed at home, because I really had nowhere to go. The gyms were closed, so were the malls, karaoke bars and restaurants. I wasn’t able to socialize as I expected but that was okay (for the time being); Warzone came out and I played a ton of it with my friends. That’s how my friends and I socialized during the pandemic. We would send messages on the group chat saying, “Hopping on for Warzone at 9, see you there” and it was a routine we got into until summertime.

Lockdowns were eased, cases were going down, the snow was melting and it seemed to be the beginning of brighter and better days. I saw my friends again and I felt happy. I had my job, had an excellent tax return, and I was making money. I felt blessed, lucky, and the days were brighter and longer and I felt hopeful. However, there was something that started to nag me.

Work took a turn for the worse. I started getting lots of projects and was also asked to take over a few of them. Cool, I thought initially. My bosses were starting to think I was getting more responsible. I didn’t find out they laid off a few employees until weeks later. Them giving me more projects was just because they needed to offload the projects.

I started paying more attention to what’s going on around the world, When you can’t go out or see your friends, you turn to the internet and, as I mentioned before, injustice and incompetence were everywhere, you start to ask yourself: “What’s going on? Why does the world seem this bad?” It makes you think. Then you start to get curious. You start researching. You learn and realize that black people go through this everyday. You learn that a lot of the elected leaders in the government were merely puppets for the big corporations, as they were able to get a bailout relatively quickly. We’re in 2021 now and the people in the US government are still arguing whether they should send a $2000 stimulus to its citizens who have been struggling mentally and financially during the pandemic. You start to realize that profits and money mattered more to the people in charge rather than doing the right thing.

Then you start to realize that this was also the only thing that mattered to some of the people closest to you as well. You shake your head in disbelief, ask them how they can justify that. How can you think the system works when your neighbour is struggling to pay their bills, not because they are living beyond their means, but because everything is so profit-driven? Your neighbour has to work two jobs just to provide for their kids, just so they have a roof over their heads...

Maybe I should have gone out for walks more, but I could not ignore the injustices in the world any longer, as it was all over social media, group chats, the news, at work, everywhere. Maybe I should have disconnected more. It was taking a toll on me, but I could not look away. I started to question myself. I started to question my friends. I started to question my employers, who were getting more antsy as they were having to struggle between with keeping the company profitable and keeping clients happy. Additionally a lot of them were not able to take their usual vacations, so this made them sad and frustrated, and they kind of took it out on their employees. Including myself.

My employer at the time asked a coworker to basically ignore some codes and standards to get a project out the door. That can’t be right, I thought. On top of that, my employer has not been kind to my coworker as well. These circumstances caused my coworker to quit. She got a job immediately so I was happy for her. She was able to leave a toxic place and found something better. I understood why she would quit, looking back now, as I was asked to do this once as well just so the company can satisfy their clients. I did not heed that advice and spent a lot of hours in the office trying to make sure the project met codes and standards to the best of my abilities. 

We had a project in the pipeline that required her expertise. Unfortunately, since she left the company, we had no one in the office or in the company that knew how to do this project. I’m not sure what my previous employer’s line of thinking was, but he thought we could do it. By we I mean he thought I, someone whose career just started, could do it. I told him, sure, I mean, with the right guidance and knowledge being passed along, I could do it, but I had no idea where to start. Who was I going to ask questions about this? 

My employer said, ‘I asked someone who knows more about this and they haven’t gotten back to me. Anyway, no one’s going to notice if we’re off by a few inches here and there. I think you’re capable enough to do this in one week.’

‘A week?’

‘Yeah. By the way, I’m going on vacation next week, so I expect this to be done by the time I get back.’

‘I’m not exactly sure how I can get it done in a week when the no one in the office knows how to do this, But..’

Here’s where I should have said no.

‘..but I’ll see what I can do.’

I spent an entire week researching about how to do this project and I did have something penciled in. But the more I researched, the less confident I felt about it going right. I did not have the experience for this, I thought. This is a bit more complex than my boss thinks it is.. maybe I should sit him down when he gets back. I don’t want to finalize this only for us having to redo it because we missed something.

My boss gets back after his vacation. He then asks me on Teams where I was with the project, and whether we could have something to hand in to the client in an hour or so.

I said, ‘no, we’re not done. I did some more research to make sure we did not miss anything, and I think we need to look into this or that. I did not want to finalize this then have it come back for us to redo. I thought it was a waste of time and negligent if I tried to finalize something that the company does not know how to do.’

The next words were the words that caused me to quit my job.

‘That’s not acceptable. What am I supposed to tell my clients?”

I got frustrated once I heard that. So frustrated that I ignored him and took the afternoon and the rest of the week off.

I spent an entire week researching and asking questions on the internet how to do a project, learning that I did not know enough to proceed.. while my boss takes a vacation at his cabin. I started thinking about our previous interactions, his interactions with my coworkers, and at that point, it added up. He really was one of those people who prioritized profits over doing the right thing. The things that my coworkers have been saying about him were true. 

I handed in my notice the week I came back. Two weeks after, I started grieving. I grieved because I felt like a failure. I felt like I handled the situation well, but it felt like a failure on my part. I grieved because people were losing their lives to incompetence by our leaders and through injustice. I grieved because I felt inadequate. I cut contact from my guy friends at the time, who didn’t seem to care and were indifferent about these things, so I turned to my girl friends for support. Am I ever thankful for them.

I grieved for a month. Then, I started taking out my frustrations at video games. I got frustrated at our government for not doing the right thing. COVID cases were on the rise and yet everything was still open like there was no pandemic. People were ignoring COVID, like everything was still fine. I felt so fucking hopeless, I felt like nothing I did mattered. I started getting angry at people for being so fucking selfish, and for not being able to look beyond their noses. I felt angry, hopeless. A big contrast to how I felt at the beginning of the year. I talked about this to my girl friends. They understood how I felt, and were very supportive about it.

Without their support I don’t think I would have mentally recovered. They didn’t judge me or make me feel hopeless. They were amazing through it all. I guess, in a way, to make it up for them, I educated myself about feminism. If most women in your life are so fucking supportive, I feel that you should return the favour and learn about their struggles. I watched a Netflix documentary about it and it really opened my eyes. To summarize how I felt: “I already thought it was bad but holy crap I did not think it was going to be as bad as it is..” at that point, I knew I was going to be an ally for everyone, and told myself that I need to educate myself more about it.

Christmas came and I was just thankful to reach it alive and without COVID. My family and friends are healthy, as well as myself, and I was grateful. At that point we all just wanted to make it through the year for one more week, and start fresh in 2021.

So, that’s my 2020. I didn’t really answer why I’m back.. I didn’t realize I needed to UNLEASH my 2020 experience until I talked to another girl friend. She encouraged me to write as a way to help me improve myself. As a way to track my thoughts and feelings throughout the year. 

To summarize; 2020 started off good, ended bad, realized I deeply disliked the injustices around the world, realized that I needed to forgive myself for my mistakes and that I needed a better support group. Thank you to my girl friends, really, from the bottom of my fucking heart. I also realized that I didn’t like who I was becoming... I’m working on myself to change that.

For 2021, I would like to start writing more. Just start writing about how I felt throughout the day, and my thought processes. I’m also dropping all forms of expectations for 2021 and beyond. Another reason I felt depressed the last 3 months of 2020 is because I expected 2020 to be good to me. It has, in a way, from the lessons it taught me, but man it was NOT the way I expected it to be. 

No expectations, and write more. And also, go outside more. You really need it buddy. And apply to more jobs too. You watched a video about bionics and it moved you. You want the world to be a better place and you want things to be more accessible to everyone. You already learned about the injustices in this world, and you have an excellent educational background to make it better, why not use it?

I think that’s enough writing for today. It’s a fucking mess and I really should have kept writing back then.. oh well. Live and learn.

[newstfionline]

Headlines

Three Hours Longer, the Pandemic Workday Has Obliterated Work-Life Balance (Bloomberg) Six weeks into a nationwide work-from-home experiment with no end in sight, whatever boundaries remained between work and life have almost entirely disappeared. With many living a few steps from their offices, America’s always-on work culture has reached new heights. The 9-to-5 workday, or any semblance of it, seems like a relic of a bygone era. Long gone are the regretful formalities for calling or emailing at inappropriate times. Burnt-out employees feel like they have even less free time than when they wasted hours commuting. People are overworked, stressed, and eager to get back to the office. In the U.S., homebound employees are logging three hours more per day on the job than before city and state-wide lockdowns, according to data from NordVPN, which tracks when users connect and disconnect from its service. Out of all countries that NordVPN tracks, U.S. workers had tacked on the most hours. In France, Spain, and the U.K. the day has stretched an additional two hours, NordVPN’s data found. Italy saw no change at all.

Coronavirus relief pushing US deficits to staggering heights (AP) Spend what it takes, Washington said as it confronted the coronavirus. Well over $2 trillion later, it’s unclear where that spending will end. One of the lasting legacies of the coronavirus pandemic will be staggering debts and deficits on the U.S. balance sheet, with shortfalls hitting levels that would have been unthinkable just a few decades ago. It’s a fiscal clamp that is likely to persist for a generation, or even into perpetuity, with debt levels having passed the point of easy return in a capital where lawmakers are increasingly incapable, or unwilling, to constrain them. The latest, and dire, projection from the Congressional Budget Office, released Friday, states the U.S. deficits will mushroom to $3.7 trillion in 2020, fueled by the four coronavirus relief bills signed into law by President Donald Trump. A fifth bill is already in the works, and will be “expensive,” according to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif.

Trump says he will block coronavirus aid for U.S. Postal Service if it doesn’t hike prices immediately (Washington Post) President Trump on Friday threatened to block an emergency loan to shore up the U.S. Postal Service unless it dramatically raised shipping prices on online retailers, an unprecedented move to seize control of the agency that analysts said could plunge its finances into a deeper hole. “The Postal Service is a joke,” Trump told reporters in the Oval Office. To obtain a $10 billion line of credit Congress approved this month, “The post office should raise the price of a package by approximately four times,” he said. Trump for years has alleged the Postal Service has charged too little for packages and personally pushed the head of the agency to charge far more to ship goods for big online retailers. Several administration officials, speaking on condition of anonymity, have said Trump’s criticism of Postal Service rates is rooted in a desire to hurt Amazon in particular. They have said that he fumes publicly and privately at Amazon’s founder Jeff Bezos, who also owns The Washington Post, for news coverage that Trump believes is unfair.

Turmoil in Brazil: Bolsonaro Fires Police Chief and Justice Minister Quits (NYT) Brazil’s justice minister, Sergio Moro, a former federal judge who became the face of a powerful anti-corruption crackdown that swept Latin America, resigned Friday after accusing President Jair Bolsonaro of seeking to assert improper control of the federal police for political gain. Mr. Moro’s acrimonious departure was a volatile and unexpected development in Brazil, where the rapid spread of the coronavirus has overwhelmed hospitals and roiled the political establishment. Mr. Bolsonaro, who has downplayed the gravity of the virus, last week fired his health minister after the two clashed over strict quarantine measures to slow the contagion. Mr. Moro was the eighth minister to leave Mr. Bolsonaro’s cabinet during the 15 months he has been in office.

Spain’s kids prepare for taste of freedom after six-week lockdown (Reuters) Spain released guidelines on Saturday allowing children to go outside after six weeks living under one of Europe’s strictest lockdowns, as figures confirmed a daily coronavirus death toll running well below the peak seen early this month. Children were trying out their masks in anticipation of their first taste of fresh air since Prime Minister Pedro Sanchez declared a state of emergency on March 14. The government said under 14s will from Sunday be allowed up to one hour of supervised outdoor activity per day between 9am and 9pm, staying within one kilometre of their home.

Pakistani prime minister sidelined on coronavirus (Financial Times)​​ Imran Khan has been sidelined by Pakistan’s powerful military after failing to act decisively on the coronavirus crisis or impose a lockdown in an attempt to curb the spread of cases. On March 22, the prime minister told the nation that his government would not institute a sweeping lockdown, arguing it would put millions out of work and leave families struggling to find enough food to eat. But less than 24 hours later, military spokesman Major General Babar Iftikhar announced that the army would oversee a shutdown to halt the spread of infections in the world’s fifth most populous country of more than 200​ million ​people.​

India reopens stores, speeding easing of virus lockdowns (AP) A tentative easing around the world of coronavirus lockdowns gathered pace Saturday with the reopening in India of neighborhood stores that many of the country’s 1.3 billion people rely on for everything from cold drinks to mobile phone data cards. The relaxation of the super-strict Indian lockdown came with major caveats. It did not apply to hundreds of quarantined towns and other hotspots that have been hit hardest by the outbreak that has killed at least 775 people in India. Last week, India also allowed manufacturing and farming activities to resume in rural areas to ease the economic plight of millions of daily wage-earners left without work by the country’s lockdown imposed March 24. India’s stay-home restrictions have allowed people out of their homes only to buy food, medicine or other essentials.

In Japan, children of nurses face discrimination, exclusion over virus fears (AP) Children of Japanese medical professions face discrimination or even exclusion from day-care centers over fears they might have the novel coronavirus, increasing the stresses on front-line workers as the country’s health-care system nears collapse, according to media reports. Although most schools and day-care centers around the country are closed, some remain open. Bloomberg reported that children of medical workers were being excluded or asked to prove they didn’t have the virus. Kyodo News reported that some medical professionals had been forced to quit their jobs because of the discrimination against their family members, deepening the crisis in a profession where staff are already under massive pressure and working round-the-clock. “There’s growing prejudice and discrimination against people in the medical field,” said Shigeru Omi, the deputy head of the government’s advisory panel on the virus, according to Bloomberg. “It’s even extending to their families.”

Gaza factories roar back to life to make protective wear (AP) For the first time in years, sewing factories in the Gaza Strip are back to working at full capacity—producing masks, gloves and protective gowns, some of which are bound for Israel. It’s a rare economic lifeline in the coastal territory, which has been blockaded by Israel and Egypt since the Hamas militant group seized power from rival Palestinian forces in the strip in 2007. The blockade, and three wars between Hamas and Israel, have devastated the local economy, with unemployment hovering around 50%. Rizq al-Madhoun, owner of the Bahaa garment company, said he has produced more than 1 million masks in the past three weeks, “all for the Israeli market.” Gaza may not have the advanced machinery seen in other places, but he said residents’ sewing skills are unmatched. “Gaza workers are distinguished in handiwork and they are better than workers in China or Turkey,” he said.

Ghana’s dancing pallbearers (Washington Post) You may have seen them on the Internet: six men in black suits, sunglasses and patent leather shoes grooving to a techno beat while carrying a coffin. They are Ghana’s dancing pallbearers, a crew of funeral performers who have long sought to make mourners grin through grief. But as the coronavirus pandemic rages, they’ve become the accidental faces of a stay-at-home movement—comedic grim reapers edited into footage of risky behavior as a warning. Reopening a mall when cases are mounting? Cue the dancing pallbearers. Protesting a lockdown in a covid-19 hot spot? Cue the dancing pallbearers. Forget to wash your hands before eating? Cue the dancing pallbearers. People in China, Brazil and the United States have shared video after video since the outbreak began, garnering millions of clicks and an international fan base for the group. Benjamin Aidoo, who leads the group, isn’t sure how it happened. He woke up one March morning and saw his signature moves everywhere. “It’s a bit scary, but it’s funny, too,” said Aidoo, 32, who lives in Accra, the capital of Ghana. “People are saying, ‘I’d rather stay home than have these guys bury me.’ ”

[luffysfakebeard]

i headcanon isak's mother having OCD from what we've heard/seen of her and when she's finally diagnosed it takes isak a few days to process what that means and he does a ton of research and talks to her about it and to even to learn and figure it out and as he's searching he stumbles along other anxiety disorders and finds a lot of symptoms he has and it scares the crap out of him because his boyfriend having a MI? okay. his mom? okay. but him was a different story. could you write about that?

Having a Name for it can be Scary; 2150ish words[AO3]

Isak hadbeen barely thirteen the first time he heard the word ‘schizophrenic’. It had been a scary word; even just the sound it made in his mouth washarsh.  He realised quickly that it was also a taboo word.  Hisparents refused to talk about it and Isak was too young to care enough to pushfurther than that.

After hemoved out he didn’t really think of it again; too busy rebuilding his life todo much else.

The thingis: since getting with Even, Isak had slowly been rebuilding his relationshipwith his mother.  And part of that hadbeen educating himself about the way her brain worked.  He had been reading all about schizophreniaand his heart had twisted painfully in his chest at the familiarity of it all.

As isoften the way with the internet, one thing led to another almostseamlessly.  One web page had listedbipolar disorder as a similar condition to schizophrenia, which had resulted ina little detour in Isak’s research.  Honestlythough, he tried not to read up on bipolar because he knew it made Evenuncomfortable so he wasn’t on that page for long.

It was only when he was about to exit out ofthat website entirely that he noticed a list on the side of the page of relateddisorders.  The words ‘anxiety and panicdisorders’ caught his eye and he remembered reading about how anxiety could bea trigger for episodes.

And so heclicked.

At firsthe had been reading with his mother in mind, thinking about how his fatheralways used to warn him not to stress her out, but then he came acrosssomething called ‘generalised anxiety disorder’.  The more he read about it the more he feltlike the bottom of his stomach had fallen out; like suddenly being plummetedfrom the top of a rollercoaster.

Excessive worrying, restlessness andfeeling on edge, muscle tension, headaches, difficulty concentrating,difficulty sleeping and staying asleep, being easily startled.

Allcommon things in the day to day life of Isak Valtersen.

When hegot to the part about the causes of GAD and saw the words ‘abnormal functioningin particular brain regions’ he slammed his laptop shut and dumped itunceremoniously onto the floor by their bed.

Forpossibly the first time ever, Isak was glad that Even was at work and he hadthe flat to himself.

He wasn’tproud of his brain’s initial reaction. Wasn’t proud of the jolt of shock that ran through him and the immediateattempt to dismiss what he had just read. He had come a long way from the boy who said he would prefer his lifewithout mentally ill people, but he knew he still had a long way to go.

He wasgetting close with his mother again and he and Even seemed to be doing wellenough managing his bipolar as a team, but he couldn’t shake the feeling thatmental illness was something that happened to other people.

He wasn’tcrazy.

He hatedthat word; he hated the connotations it had and how derogatory it was.  But it was all he could think.

I’m not crazy.

He didn’thear voices or see things that weren’t there. He didn’t lose touch with reality and throw things in a rage whensomeone tried to talk to him.  He stilldidn’t really understand what Even meant by the brain feeling alone and hecouldn’t imagine himself ever thinking he could fly and standing spread eagleat the top of a construction site like a guy had done a few months ago.

He didn’thave a mental illness.

He justdidn’t.

He wasn’tlike his mother.

He hadbeen so afraid when he was younger that he would grow up to be like her; thathe wouldn’t be able to distinguish what was real from what was inside his headand that he’d lash out unexpectedly at the ones he loved.  She had been doing so well lately, butburrowed deep under his skin that fear still lurked.

He wasn’tproud of it.  In fact, it was possiblyhis biggest shame.

No onecould help being mentally ill.  Sure asfuck no one chose to be mentally ill.  It also wasn’t the end of the world; he knewlogically that there were worse things in the world than to have a brain thatworked differently.

But fuckif it didn’t feel like the end of the world right then.

When Evengot home he found Isak wrapped tightly in their duvet even though it was stillalmost twenty degrees despite the late time of evening.  If that hadn’t been enough of a clue thatsomething was up, then the vacant glaze covering Isak’s usually bright eyes wasa giant red flag.

“Baby?”Even ran a comforting hand over the exposed top of Isak’s head and smiled atthe way Isak burrowed deeper into the duvet in response.  “What’s up?” Even tried to coax the answerout of him, lying down next to the Isak-shaped lump in the middle of theirbed.  Isak muttered something, but it wasso muffled by the duvet cocoon that Even couldn’t make it out.

“I can’thear you, Is.” He said gently, trying to lower the duvet from in front ofIsak’s mouth.  Isak squirmed inside theduvet and Even could tell he was uncomfortable.

“I’mnormal.” Isak’s voice was quiet, not quite as muffled, and he sounded souncertain.

“Normal?”Even echoed.  That word always left a badtaste in his mouth.  He definitely didn’tlike it coming out of Isak’s mouth,especially not in that small unsure voice.

“Yes.  I’m normal.  I’m not- I’m not sick.” Isak was emphasising those words and Even felt anuncomfortable prickle across his skin.

“What isthis about, Isak?” He really didn’t like where this was going.

“I wasreading.” Isak mumbled.

“Okay?”

“About…whatmy mum has.  And then I ended up readingabout something else and-” Isak broke off, struggling to find the right words,his eyebrows screwing up with frustration. Even had a feeling he knew what Isak was trying to say though.

“Readsome stuff that sounded familiar?” Even offered and Isak curled up tightly,shrinking into him under the duvet.  Evenhated when Isak made himself small; it just made him want to wrap his boyfriendin their softest blanket and whisper in his ear that it would all be okay.

“Do youwant to talk about it?  What you werereading about?” Even wrapped his arms around the Isak-lump as best he could.

“It’s onmy laptop.” Isak muttered.

“Can Ihave a look?” Even didn’t want to assume. He waited until Isak nodded minutely before leaning over and pickingIsak’s laptop off the floor.

“I’m notgoing to be bombarded by porn, am I?” Even teased, giving the Isak-lump aplayful push.

“Noooo.”Isak rolled his eyes.  Even was glad tosee that he still had a little bit of humour in there, even if he was goingthrough some inner turmoil.  He tappedIsak’s password in and the page immediately popped back up.

“Generalisedanxiety disorder.” Even read the title aloud and then looked down at Isak.

Not apeep from inside the duvet.

“Generalized anxiety disorder (or GAD) is characterized by excessive,exaggerated anxiety and worry about everyday life events with no obvious reasons forworry. People with symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder tend to always expect disaster and can't stop worrying about health, money, family, work, or school.” Even read aloud, the English words feeling funny in his mouth.

He looked away from the webpage and to the boyfriend shaped lumpnext to him, wincing at the miserable whimper Isak let out.

“That does sound like you.” Even agreed.  He slid the laptop back onto the floor andfocused all his attention on Isak.  Heforced the duvet down so he could see his boyfriend’s face.

“Having a name for it can be scary.  I remember when I first heard the word‘bipolar’ and I hated it.  It made it tooreal.  Too clinical for something soemotional.” Even ran a hand down the side of Isak’s face gently.

“I was always the normal one in the family.” Isakwhispered.  He looked terrified of hisadmission.  “And now…” He trailed off.

“Isak, there’s no such thingas normal.” Even shook his head.  “Andyou know what: anxiety is really common in our generation.  If you do have an anxiety problem we can workthrough it.  Just like we work around mybipolar.”

“I know, I know.” Isak swallowed.  He was looking everywhere but at Even.

“Babe, look at me.” Even whispered, cupping the side of Isak’sface in one hand.  “I’m not judging you,okay?  I just want to make sure you’reokay.  Everything else comes later.” Hepromised.

“My mum’s first diagnosis was something small.” Isak’s voice wasbarely there.  Even had to strain to hearit.  “What if this is just the start ofme turning into my mum?”

“And what if you’re just a kid who had a hard upbringing and isused to worrying about more than you should have to?” Even countered.  At that, Isak flickered his gaze to Even’sface.

He looked so heartbreakingly young.

“Is, you were forced into caring for your mum when she wassick.  You were just a kid; you shouldn’thave had to be running the household. It’s natural that you still have those leftover habits of worrying abouteverything.” Even rubbed what he was 90% sure was Isak’s back comfortinglythrough the duvet.

“You’re not alone now though. You don’t have to worry about dealing with everything in this householdon your own; we share that stuff, okay? It’s our home, so it’s our responsibility.  Not just yours.” Even said firmly.  Isak nodded. It was just a tiny motion, but it gave Even hope that he was gettingthrough to him.

“You’ve always been anxious, baby, and that’s normal.  Whether or not you have an anxiety disorder isn’t for me to say.  If you feel like things are getting too muchfor you, you can always lean on me for a while.” Even whispered.  Isak was looking at him now, finally, and Even was completelyentranced by those beautiful hazel eyes.

“You promise?” Isak’s voice was barely more than a breathbetween them, but in their little world it was loud as thunder.

“I promise.” Even nodded. They were pressed so close together in bed that Even swore he could feel the tension melt out of Isak’sbody.

“Was I overreacting?” Isak mumbled, burying his duvet-wrappedbody tighter into Even’s embrace.

“No.” Even replied instantly. “Mental health can be scary. Especially when you read about it all online.  Maybe we shouldn’t Google things like thatanymore?” He suggested as Isak buried his face in the crook of his neck.

“I think that’s a good idea.” Isak nodded meekly and Evenpressed a fond kiss to the top of his boyfriend’s head.

“You’ll always be the most incredible boy I’ve ever met,Isak.  Mental illness wouldn’t changethat.  It doesn’t change who you are.” Even wished someone could havetold him that when he had first beendiagnosed, but he was glad to be able to give that to Isak.

“I know.” Isak replied softly. He wiggled inside his duvet cocoon for a second and then suddenly Evenwas being enveloped in the warmth.

“Just another gay teen with anxiety.” Isak tried to joke, butEven could still see the nervousness in his eyes.

“There’s no rush to label it, baby.” Even squeezed Isak’s handgently.  Isak reciprocated by clingingonto Even like it was the only thing tying him to this earth.

“No rush.” Isak repeated, more to himself.  “I don’t think I’m ready for that sort oflabel, Ev.” He swallowed.  It had takenlong enough for him to cope with being gay; adding something else on top ofthat was going to take some time.

A lot of time, if he was honest.

“Then we won’t think about it.” Even said simply.  “We’ll take this totally chill.  Just minute by minute.” He continued,mirroring Isak’s words from so long ago.

“What will we do this minute?” Isak breathed, staring at Evenwith more trust than Even felt he deserved.

“This minute,” Even said slowly as he wrapped his arms aroundIsak and rested their foreheads together. “we’ll just be calm.  We’ll justbreathe.  Just us, here in our bed, inour flat.” Even rubbed his hand slowly up and down Isak’s back.

And that’s exactly what they did.

For just a little while, the world shrunk down to just the twoof them hidden under their duvet in bed. No labels, no long complicated scientific terms, no terrifying memories.

Nothing but Even and Isak, minute by minute.

[comebeforegod]

Seeing Through the Rumors, I Came Back Before God

By Zhao Zhen, United States

One day, I switched on my computer and saw that the CCP government was arresting Christians belonging to The Church of Almighty God, and there was a lot of negative publicity on the internet which condemned and blasphemed The Church of Almighty God.

 After seeing this, I felt nervous all of a sudden, thinking of my wife who still lived on the Chinese mainland and who was a believer in Almighty God. I immediately called her up. I knew that the CCP government persecuted believers in God, so I didn’t dare say too much over the phone about my wife’s belief for fear of bringing disaster down on her. And so I told my wife not to go running around everywhere (meaning preaching the gospel), and to stay at home. From then on, I often called her to find out how she was. She told me that everything was fine, and my worrying heart finally relaxed a little.

Before long, I happened to come across the May 28 Shandong Zhaoyuan Case on the internet. After watching the video of it, I felt somewhat stricken, and I thought to myself, “Believers in God are all upright and kind-hearted. How could they do such a thing?” I hurriedly called my wife and learned that she was safe and sound, and my worrying heart relaxed. I hinted to my wife that she should not believe in God anymore and to just live a normal life at home. Her response calmed me. But whenever I thought of the negative rumors on the internet, I would feel very worried for my wife, afraid that she would be arrested by the CCP or that something bad would happen to her. Although I called her often and she always told me that nothing out of the ordinary was happening at home, I still felt anxious.

Later, my wife and son came to the US, and when I found out that my wife was still believing in Almighty God, I became angry, and tried to dissuade her from believing anymore. I also showed her the reports of negative public opinion about The Church of Almighty God online. My wife would not read them, and she said to me, “They are all rumors fabricated by the CCP. The May 28 Shandong Zhaoyuan Case is even more so a criminal case fabricated by the CCP to purposefully invent false charges to frame and tarnish The Church of Almighty God. All Chinese media are the mouthpiece of the CCP and they only ever take the CCP’s side. Can you really believe what they say?” I said, “The CCP government says online that there are improper relations between men and women in The Church of Almighty God. Can it all be false? Whatever the case, you’re not to believe in Almighty God anymore. From this day on, you are to cut off all contact with them.” My wife shook her head and said resolutely, “Almighty God is the Lord Jesus returned, and this is the appearance and work of the true God. I cannot give it up. Since I met brothers and sisters from The Church of Almighty God, I’ve seen them dress simply and elegantly, and their speech and comportment are decent and dignified. There are boundaries and principles concerning the interaction between brothers and sisters, and it’s completely different to what those rumors on the internet say. Besides, in the administrative decrees, Almighty God clearly stipulates that, ‘Man has corrupt disposition and, moreover, he is possessed of emotions. As such, it is absolutely prohibited for two members of the opposite sex to work together when serving God. Any who are discovered doing so will be expelled, without exception—and no one is exempt.’ God is holy and righteous; God most detests when people are promiscuous, and so He has drawn up strict administrative rules. If anyone violates them, then they will be expelled from the church. Brothers and sisters all adhere strictly to His administrative decrees, and no one would dare violate them. Those stories that are spread online by the CCP are fabricated rumors and slander, pure and simple. You must not blindly believe it all!” Hearing her state her case so eloquently, and with such a resolute attitude, I pointed at her and said, “Why won’t you listen to me? Whatever you say, you must not believe in God anymore!” Our argument got hotter and hotter, but I still couldn’t convince her to give up her belief in God.

In the time that followed, I ignored my wife, but she still kept patiently preaching the gospel to me and reading Almighty God’s words to me, and she showed me some of The Church of Almighty God’s videos. But by that time, my mind had been completely deceived by the rumors I’d read online—I didn’t listen to what she said, and nothing I saw in the videos sank in. Seeing my wife with such a resolute attitude and not listening to my advice at all, in a fit of anger, I left to go work in another state. I lived very painfully at that time and would get a headache whenever I thought of this issue. Neither did I feel much like working, and I even thought of divorcing my wife. Afterward, my wife got sick, so I took some time off work to take care of her at home. During that period, she preached the gospel to me many times, but my heart remained inflexible. I believed without question the rumors online and, no matter what my wife said, I refused to accept the gospel.

One day, two sisters from The Church of Almighty God came to the house. Seeing them speak so naturally and dress so plainly, I felt a little puzzled: They look as though they act decently, and they dress very simply, I thought. They’re not like it says online. The two sisters greeted me warmly and, afraid of losing face, I greeted them back as they sat down to chat. Seeing them and my wife having a meeting, I was going to leave them to it. Unexpectedly, the sisters invited me to sit and talk with them awhile, and my wife urged me to stay and listen. I would have felt embarrassed to refuse, so I reluctantly sat down.

After I’d sat down, Sister Huang patiently fellowshiped with me about the origin of all things, the degeneration of mankind and God’s salvation. As I listened to her, I came to understand many things I had not previously understood. And then, she played me the video The Days of Noah Have Come, and she said that our current age is exactly the same as the age of Noah: Mankind has been corrupted so much that they now don’t seem human at all, they advocate wealth, they engage in wicked promiscuity and they do not worship God. So as to save mankind, God has come to the world again to perform His work of judging and saving mankind, and only if we accept God’s work of the last days can we cast off our corruption, live out a true human likeness and attain the salvation of God. These words tugged at my heart, especially a hymn of God’s words that was sung at the end of the video they showed me, “Only if Mankind Worships the True God Can They Have a Good Fate”: “God created this world, He created this mankind, and moreover He was the architect of ancient Greek culture and human civilization. Only God consoles this mankind, and only God cares for this mankind night and day. Human development and progress is inseparable from the sovereignty of God, and the history and future of mankind are inextricable from the designs of God. … God alone knows the fate of a country or nation, and God alone controls the course of this mankind. If mankind wishes to have a good fate, if a country wishes to have a good fate, then man must bow down to God in worship, repent and confess before God, or else the fate and destination of man will unavoidably end in catastrophe.” These words are so authoritative and powerful, and my heart was deeply rocked. I felt that no ordinary person could say something like that. I thought: Could it be that Almighty God is the returned Lord Jesus? These two sisters didn’t look like bad people, and in their meeting, they only talked about belief in God and how to follow the right path in life. So what had that Shandong Zhaoyuan Case been all about? When I thought about that, I felt very uncomfortable, afraid that I would start believing in something that wasn’t true. As we went on, although I still listened to them, I harbored doubts all the way through the meeting.

Later, my wife saw that I had misgivings, and she showed me the video, The Truth Exposed Behind the May 28 Zhaoyuan Case. She said to me, “The May 28 Shandong Zhaoyuan Case was simply a murder case fabricated by the CCP to lay false charges against The Church of Almighty God. When you watch this video, you’ll learn the real truth.” My heart was beginning to soften at that point, and I wanted to get to the bottom of this matter.

After I’d watched the video, I suddenly saw the light. As it turned out, the May 28 Shandong Zhaoyuan Case was not perpetrated by members of The Church of Almighty God, and when the case came to trial, several of the accused gave incoherent statements, and they were clearly a bunch of psychopaths. And they said, “What the state cracks down on is the Almighty God of Zhao Weishan, not the ‘Almighty God’ of ours.” “I’ve never been involved or associated with The Church of Almighty God.” The perpetrators have emphasized that they are not members of The Church of Almighty God under attack by the CCP, yet the CCP has insisted that they are members of The Church of Almighty God. This is clearly a set up! I couldn’t stop myself from saying indignantly to my wife, “The CCP government really distorts the facts. They are so despicable and evil!”

My wife then said to me, “Also, there are principles to The Church of Almighty God’s preaching of the gospel. It can only be preached to those with a good humanity, who sincerely believe in God, who are willing to seek the true way and who can accept the truth. We do not preach to wicked or bad people. As for Zhang Lidong, The Church of Almighty God would never accept such a wicked person. They are simply not members of The Church of Almighty God.”

My wife showed me a passage from God’s word, “Kin who are not of the faith (your children, your husband or wife, your sisters or your parents, and so on) should not be forced into the church. God’s household is not short of members, and there is no need to make up its numbers with people who have no use. All those who do not believe gladly must not be led into the church. This decree is directed at all people. In this matter you should check, monitor and remind each other, and no one may violate it. Even when kin who are not of the faith do reluctantly enter the church, they must not be issued books or given a new name; such people are not of God’s household, and their entry into the church must be put a stop to by any means necessary. If trouble is brought upon the church due to the invasion of demons, then you yourself will be expelled or will have restrictions placed upon you. In short, everyone has a responsibility toward this matter, but you should also not be reckless, or use it to settle personal scores.”

My wife gave fellowship, saying, “God is faithful, holy and righteous. The people God saves all have a good humanity and love the truth, and God requires that His chosen people do not drag those who are unwilling to believe in God kicking and screaming into the church, even if they are family members or loved ones. The Church of Almighty God has never forced anyone to accept God’s gospel, much less would its members beat anyone to death for not wanting to believe in God or for not giving them their telephone number.” After listening to my wife, I began to awaken, and I felt like I had been so ignorant and foolish. It had been such an obvious attempt to frame the church and I hadn’t even been able to figure it out. I decided there and then to investigate in earnest Almighty God’s work of the last days.

When the sister had a meeting with me, she fellowshiped with me the substance of the CCP’s resistance to God and read a passage of God’s words, “Satan wins its fame through deceiving the public. It often establishes itself as a vanguard and role model of righteousness. Under the banner of safeguarding righteousness, it harms man, devours their souls, and uses all sorts of means to benumb, deceive and incite man. Its goal is to make man approve of and follow along with its evil conduct, to make man join it in opposing God’s authority and sovereignty. However, when one grows wise to its schemes, plotting and vile features and does not wish to continue to be trampled upon and fooled by it or to continue slaving away for it, or to be punished and destroyed together with it, Satan changes its previously saintly features and tears off its false mask to reveal its true evil, vicious, ugly and savage face. It would love nothing more than to exterminate all those who refuse to follow it and those who oppose its evil forces. At this point Satan can no longer assume a trustworthy, gentlemanly appearance; instead, its true ugly and devilish features under the sheep’s clothing are revealed. Once Satan’s schemes are brought to light, once its true features are exposed, it will fly into a rage and expose its barbarity; its desire to harm and devour people will only be intensified. This is because it is enraged by man’s awakening; it develops a strong vindictiveness toward man for their aspiration to yearn for freedom and light and to break free of its prison. Its rage is intended to defend its evil, and it is also a true revelation of its savage nature.”

After reading God’s words, the sister fellowshiped, “We all know that ever since the atheist CCP government came to power, they’ve been publicly denying God, condemning and blaspheming God. They have labeled Christianity as an evil cult and the Bible a cultist book; they confiscate it and burn it! Especially when it comes to those Christians, the CCP is always fanatically suppressing, capturing and persecuting them. There are countless Christians they’ve maimed or killed. Facts show that the CCP goes under the guise of the banner ‘freedom of religion,’ but behind the scenes, they wantonly coerce and arrest people who believe in God. By doing this, aren’t they cheating and deceiving the people? The CCP hates and persecutes The Church of Almighty God. It fears that the Chinese people will all believe in God and follow God, and then no one will listen to the CCP anymore or be enslaved to it anymore. In particular, the kingdom gospel of Almighty God has already spread to all nations of the world, and the CCP’s wicked deeds persecuting Christians have been exposed. The CCP fears that more people will see its true colors and reject it, and so it uses media online to publicize its own take on events, and it engages in the wholesale fabrication of false charges, it frames and tarnishes The Church of Almighty God, it uses any means to cruelly torture and persecute Christians in an attempt to outlaw God’s work and turn China into a godless zone, so that it may achieve its ambitious aim of ruling people forever. The CCP is the absolute worst God-hating and truth-hating satanic, evil force! Satan has always opposed God; it fabricates and disseminates all manner of lies in order to deceive and disturb us, to make us shun God and betray Him, so that we can be controlled and possessed by Satan. Since olden days, the true way has always been subject to persecution. We must have discernment of the CCP’s essence, and we must not be deceived by its lies and lose our chance to attain salvation!”

After hearing the sister’s fellowship, light flooded my heart, and I couldn’t help but say to the sister, “I now understand. All those rumors online are false. Satan uses the CCP government to spread rumors online and to stop us from seeking and investigating the true way. It tries to make us lose God’s grace so that we will be destroyed by God alongside it in the end. Satan is so despicable and hateful! Because I believed in the CCP’s rumors over these past few years, I’ve lived in a state of apprehension and anxiety, so much so that I almost divorced my wife. I tried to stop my wife from believing in God and did many things which resisted God, and I almost ruined my chance to attain salvation. It was Almighty God’s words which allowed me to see through the lies of Satan and be able to come before God.” Hearing me speak like this, the sisters were glad. And my wife, laughing, said to me, “Thanks be to God! Old Zhao, you’ve finally got it!” I laughed too.

Later, I met and fellowshiped with brothers and sisters whenever I had time and, as we fellowshiped during our meetings, they were always so loving and patient. Sometimes, they would give fellowship about something and I wouldn’t understand, so a sister would then fellowship it with me several more times until I understood. Brothers and sisters talked about their own experiences with each other, giving fellowship on how they received the judgment and chastisement of God’s words and how they came to understand their own corrupt dispositions. They would then fellowship about how they forsook their flesh and practiced the truth, and came to live out a true human likeness. Through living this kind of church life, I became even more sure that the brothers and sisters in The Church of Almighty God were following the right path in life. I thought back to how I had had the wool pulled over my eyes by online rumors, and so never watched in earnest the videos and movies produced by The Church of Almighty God. Now watching these videos, I felt them to be truly wonderful, and they allowed me to understand many truths. Whenever I see brothers and sisters with smiling faces that overflow with joy in music and dance videos, I feel joy in my heart, and I feel as though all my troubles instantly disappear. And then there are the videos of experiences and testimonies, which talk about how people used to live by satanic philosophies before they came to believe in God and how they didn’t have a true human likeness. They talk about their experiences and testify to how, after they came before Almighty God and under the guidance of His words, their corrupt dispositions changed. Only the work of the true God could achieve such results! Almighty God’s word is the truth and it carries authority and power. It can change our hearts and our spirits and enable us to live out a true human likeness and live our lives in the light.

Through a short period of investigation, I came to completely verify Almighty God’s work. Before, I used to blindly believe the rumors I’d read. I didn’t seek or investigate God’s work and so I condemned it, and I tried to stop my wife from believing in God. When I thought of that, I felt such remorse and sadness in my heart, and I always felt that God would not save me, being so corrupt as I was. Later, I read God’s words, “Each and every person who has accepted the conquering of words will have ample opportunity for salvation. God’s salvation of each one of these people shows them His utmost leniency, meaning that they are showed the utmost tolerance. So long as people turn back from the wrong path, so long as they can repent, then God will give them the opportunity to obtain His salvation.” God’s words were like a warm current flowing through me, and my heart was much moved. God was showing leniency and mercy to my ignorance and foolishness and was not treating me according to my transgression. He was always giving me chances to repent and, through my wife and the sisters coming to give me fellowship, God had enabled me to see through the rumors and come back before God, and to get a chance to attain salvation—God had so much love for me! It was God’s exaltation and graciousness that enabled me to accept Almighty God’s work of the last days.

Now, our whole family believes in God and, under the guidance of God’s words, we live together in increasing harmony and peace. We all pursue the truth and pursue dispositional change, and I feel that only this kind of life is a life of value and meaning. Thanks be to Almighty God!