#because it was IMPOSSIBLE to navigate many trails without stepping in shit

[doberbutts]

It's like when I complained about horse poop on hiking trails and how it's super annoying that there's a bajillion 'clean up after your dog' signs everywhere and zero regarding cleaning up after your horse. So when it rains on the trail and the piles of horse shit turn into a lagoon of hay and sludge and it's completely impossible to walk on the trail without you/dog stepping in literal ankle deep shit puddles, it's kind of hard to hear 'you have to pick up dog shit because it's a biohazard but horse shit biodegrades much cleaner so that's why you don't have to clean it up'.

You can tell me for hours why horse poop is better for the environment than sog poop and in honesty I'm on board with it. I took animal biotech. I know how herbivore digestion works. I grew up in a farming town. Still doesn't placate me when I have to choose between turning around and going home early, going off the trail (illegal in some places!!!), and walking through shit-mud slurries with a dog that I later need to get back into my car probably covered with the stuff as it splashes.

Don't be That Asshole just because it doesn't immediately affect you or those around you. And don't tell me how it's secretly really great that you did this because it's good for xyz things when I'm the one that has to deal with everything that comes after.

[echo-three-one]

Chapter 36

THE ROAD SO FAR

The TEN Kilometer River

Gary "Roach" Sanderson

Site Hotel Bravo, Afghanistan

The moment Gary was tasked to pull the lever, he had no choice but to follow. Whatever was running in his Captain's mind must be of good reason. The alarm blared and the whole facility was placed on high alert as troops from everywhere started to act more vigilant.

They heard earlier that Gold Eagle would be on the move and the base was to be left to the scientists. Gary believes that Shepherd had no idea they're here, but why ring the alarm?

"Roach, follow me! I could see Shepherd's getaway from outside, we need to stop him!" He muttered, plowing through hordes of enemies that were also surprised to see them. Gary assisted in taking them down, as they moved slowly to the exit.

The trails of the huge plane were still visible when they exited, Price attempted to shoot the vehicle but it looked like it only made a few dents.

"Roach! Man that speedboat! We're chasing after them!" Price ordered. Gary nodded and they hurriedly descended the stairs on their way to the river.

But the enemies didn't know how to give up. Some of them rode jet skis while some of them had speed boats with them, all free riders targeting their weapons on Gary and Roach's vehicle.

Price lied down for cover, only peeking when he's free to shoot or when nobody else is shooting. It was a great tactic and Roach wanted to observe more of it, but he had to focus on the river.

His main target is the plane that's flying dangerously low on the ground, readying itself so Shepherd can jump and fly off to safety, but Price didn't want that to happen.

Whenever he saw Shepherd move from afar, he sprayed bullets to their direction making the general hide back to safety. It was a great stalling move but it didn't quite last long as the river expanded.

Shadow company guard posts were positioned on places where the elevation is quite high and Roach is forced to evade areas with patrols. This made Shepherd's plane angle differently, making it hard for Price to aim at them.

"Roach, we're losing him! Move faster!" Price yelled and Roach navigated them to Shepherd. They couldn't go any faster so the best option to build up speed is to go forward without bumping on to something. This was a river and they were going with the current, so it was a lucky thing.

The plane ascended and the duo was almost in shock that Shepherd made it through it was impossible.

"Sir! They're not yet escaping!" Roach yelled and pointed to the Plane that soared high to evade the ravine.

"A second chance!" Price muttered as Gary braced himself for a narrow river, they carefully maneuvered the narrow river all while evading Shadow Company as they filled both sides with men holding weapons.

Price used his grenade launcher to topple assembling troops by the ravine. Luckily, guard outposts contained explosive barrels adding an explosion upon impact, causing guards to fly across their outposts into the raging river.

Gary was all focused on the speedboat ahead of them, Shepherd must not escape.

"I'm on my last three rounds!" Price roared as he hid for cover while water splashed on them as bullets hit the river. Gary used one hand to toss his rifle, giving the Captain a fresh 10 rounds of grenades to be launched.

"Nice. Let's light these bastards up!" He cheered and shot the two speedboats pursuing after them, sending them to the air as their engines exploded.

"Hell yeah!" Gary cheered as they exited the cave, the plane once again descended as the area became open for exfil once again. By this time, Price only had 8 rounds to distract their escape.

In hopes for the engine to rev more, Gary squeezed his grip tighter as he heard the engine struggle giving them the maximum speed possible.

"Let's end this." Price mouthed, Gary barely heard his Captain but he knew what it meant.

Their boat speeded up quite faster than he had imagined as they were quickly catching up to the extraction. And as soon as they were close, Price fired the launcher at the huge plane, the explosion toppled the three vehicles sending them to the raging river.

Gary quickly ascended to the surface as soon as he dipped on the water, helplessly swimming against the current, down toward a high waterfall. The last thing he could remember was the impact on the ground, a loud crash towards the water before he lost consciousness.

The next thing Roach knew was that he was coughing up river water by the shore, his vision slowly recovered as he looked beyond him. Not far from him was black smoke he assumed that came from the crashed plane.

He struggled to crawl his way to the site, slowly getting up and limping, exhaling a heavy sigh.

He needed to hurry as the sandstorm started to brew up and might obstruct his already blurry vision.

A few more steps. Gary thought to himself as he felt the adrenaline rush, causing him to stand up and endure all the pain of the landing. A temporary boost to finish the fight. From the distance, he already spotted his target, leaning on a broken car, also catching up with his breath.

He carefully approached the General and tried to constrain him by grabbing on his arms, but he never expected the man to be aware of his presence. With one swift swing of his arm on Gary's throat, he found himself choking and gasping for air as he kicked him off, sliding against the sandy ground.

"What is your deal with me!" He growled, grabbing a knife by his pocket and approached Roach, who was still catching up with his breath.

"I did my very best to keep you out of my business, but you really have to find me? For what? Justice?!" Shepherd knelt on Roach's side, raising his hand and stabbed Roach by the chest. Even with the shortness of breath, Roach exhaled longer that he'd expected.

"Shit." he muttered, gasping as Shepherd dug the knife deeper while Roach tried to prevent him from doing so, this couldn't be the end of the line for him. He still wanted to live. There are many more things he could do.

"This is what you get for foiling my plans. I wasn't teaming up with Nero. I was trying to gain the upper hand. And your death could serve as a lesson for everyone in your squad to double check all intel before jumping into battle." He almost chuckled just before a figure sent him flying away from Roach.

This took Roach the moment to endure all pain as he pulled off the knife, blood sputtered from the deep gash on his chest as he quickly stopped the pressure with his hand. He wanted to live. He must survive this injury.

His head lazily leaned to the battle beside him. Price and Shepherd were engaged in hand to hand combat, overpowering one another. They looked very even and if that was the case, Roach wouldn't be alive to see the end of their battle. He blinked and as soon as he opened his eyes once again, Price was already pinned down as Shepherd gave him a heavy beating, taking advantage of his position. Roach felt the ground shook as the two also were distracted. This gave Price the chance to strike back and knock him off on top of him as he struggled to get up.

Neither one was willing to give up their cause and it was such a shame that it was all some sort of messed up misunderstanding, but nevertheless, Shepherd was still wrong. He knew full well that exchanging the IP Address for an advantage placed the world at more risk than it already had.

Roach's ears grumbled as the ground heated up. The rocket already launched and was on it's way to wherever the fuck Shepherd wanted it ro go. Did Alex and Jack not make it? Gary wondered as he leaned back to Shepherd, who was now pinned and tied on the ground. Soap already tied him up while Price approached Roach.

"Can you get up?" Price asked as he lifted Roach up and helped apply pressure to his wounds.

"Hang in there Roach. You can do this!" His words of encouragement were the last words he heard, as after those exact words, the sky turned white and a loud ringing noise filled the desert sky. Alex and Jack did it. They successfully detonated their charges.

The next thing Roach knew was he was already in a chillier place, his back was on a softer platform and the sky was nothing but a swinging lamp.

Everything else was painful as he tried to get up and failed. It seemed like he could only move his bed. He leaned to his left and saw only a white wall while his right side was two more beds where Alexandra and Ghost slept.

Alexandra. She was alive. Roach couldn't help but chuckle at the idea of her surviving. Turns out his optimism was useful this time.

He looked at his chest as the slow rising and falling of his breathing urged him to check on it. He was wrapped in bandages that were still red from the blood and it also looked like he was given a few bags. He was thankful that he made it out of that situation and he was given yet another chance to live again.

"Glad to see you're awake." Soap said as he entered the room, with a bag of frozen peas on his forehead.

Roach wanted to thank him, but he couldn't say any word yet. Any effort of doing something only resulted in pain.

"In case you're wondering. What you did out there was fruitful. Shepherd gave us the bomb maker's name. He called him Volt. Honestly the puns aren't suitable for villains, but he chose well." Soap commented, trying to cheer up the fellow sargeant.

Guess Shepherd already gave up. And he was glad he did. Because somewhere deep inside his mind, Gary believed that Shepherd slightly hesitated on his stab. If he was serious enough, he might've been dead now.

This meant that the key to ending this war is now solely upon the death of Nero.

Next Chapter : The NINE Engines

Notification Squad my Beloved

@smokeywhalee @enderio @samatedeansbroccoli @ricinbach @whimsywispsblog @bumblingbee1

(feel free to pm me to sub or unsub on notif squad)

[all-of-the-imagines-for-eve]

Touchy ~ Embry Call

A/n: MY BABYYYYYYYYYYY!

Request: "Okay here we go! Can I please get a Embry x imprint reader where she’s super affectionate and is always holding a part of Embry or sitting on him. The pack teases her a lot and she gets kinda self-conscious so she stops hanging on Embry. And he thinks that she’s scared of him but she ends up telling him what’s wrong. And the end is supper fluffy and Embry kicks their asses ! Lmao sorry if this is too much! ❤️❤️" by @sweetkiitty

A/n: I'm so sorry this is late. I got... distracted... blame Cameron Monaghan.

MASTERLIST

"Hey guys!" The boys in their usual places around Emily's table all looked up, smiling at the familiar voice.

No smile stretched further than Embry Call's though. He went to move to the girl who'd spoken, but she came in. "Hey babe." She tucked into his side, her arms wrapping around his waste as his arm went over her shoulders.

"Hey." She looked around, greeting each of the other pack members with one nod at a time. When she finished her quick trail, her gaze returned to Embry. "I miss anything?"

"Other than Embry?" Quil jabbed softly. Jared snorted next to him.

Feeling my face growing warm, I rose an eyebrow. What was wrong with missing my boyfriend? He met my gaze evenly so I looked away, feeling suddenly self conscious. "Nothing much," Embry answered, reaching over to shove Quil playfully.

Recently the boys had been making lots of comments like that. Wolf whistling when we got too close or pulled away from the others or headed out for the night. Making kissy noises any time we kissed- even if it was just on the cheek or forehead. They were relentless and never missed a moment, which they never did because Embry often had you on his mind at all times... even when he was a wolf and the others could tune into every brain train he hopped on.

At first it had been fun. I flaunted my ability to kiss Embry, grabbing him and making out with him anytime they began their teasing. They'd get worse for a second and then retreat and it would end there. But then they got braver Quil would squirm between us or Paul would hoot and holler until we stopped, getting louder as time passed. Jared would laugh so hard that he sounded like a hyena and their prodding and poking was starting to get to me.

Were they annoyed with me? Did they want me to be less affectionate? Was I making them uncomfortable? Were they trying to hint that I was doing something wrong, but I wasn't picking up on it? It wouldn't be the first time I'd been oblivious to even the most obvious clues. Just ask Embry what it was like getting me to date him.

Embry didn't seem to mind basking in the attention of the others or flaunting our relationship. He seemed to have no plans on backing off or calming down and often moved to me or pulled me closer if I tried to put some space between us. He was enthusiastic with affection. He could also occasionally read the other boys' minds and he'd back off if it was really bothering them. He wasn't just a good boyfriend- he was a good friend too. Silly and adorable and fun and lighthearted, but respectful. His mom had made sure of it.

So what was up?

"Hey, you okay Sweetheart?" I blinked and refocused on Embry as his question pulled me from my thoughts and back into reality.

Putting on a smile, I looked around to see that the others were distracted, but a few kept stealing looks. Perhaps I'd made an odd face or they'd been trying to talk to me. Oops. Embry's voice was quiet, trying to check on me without drawing too much attention. Even though the others could still hear, I kept my voice quiet as well. "Yeah. Sorry, got some things from school on my mind. Just homework.Upcoming test. The usual." He nodded and relaxed, looking back to his friends.

I reintegrated back into the conversation and soon we were all laughing and having a great time. At one point my fingers found their way into Embry's short hair, switching between fiddling with the strands and lightly running my nails against his scalp. He adored both actions and was slowly relaxing more and more underneath me. I thought it was lowkey, but Paul looked over at us with a huge smirk.

"Careful- get any louder and you'll be moaning." He winked at Embry, who snickered. My hand immediately dropped from his hair. Embry's shoulders sagged in disappointment. Embry wasn't aroused- from my position on his lap I would have felt it. Surely Paul wouldn't have said something if there wasn't something to be said though. I hadn't meant to mess with him in front of his friends. He wouldn't have said anything either, with them so in ear shit. Damnit.

"Do you guys ever part?" Jared teased a little later. We'd moved for Paul who had to go take care of some business and everyone had temporarily parted from their partner at some point to allow him to get through since he was chair locked in the corner, except for me and Embry who'd sort of just pressed closer together to make more room behind us. I hadn't really actively noticed it until Jared said something.

"Nah," Quil drawled, his smirk growing. "If she moves then we'll all see his massive boner."

"Shut up!" Embry laughed,rolling his eyes,

Emily stood, smiling. "Let me through now. It's getting late, I need to get dinner ready."

Seeing my chance, I jumped off of Embry's lap and began to trip over myself to follow her. "Let me help!"

Everyone got an odd look, especially Emily. She was very particular about cooking and we'd all resigned to just letting her do it herself since she usually ended up doing so anyway. "I'm fine," she assured softly.

"I'll do whatever you say, promise." I shot her a desperate look I prayed no one else saw. She didn't know why, but she saw my need immediately and nodded. I followd after her into the kitchen. I felt Embry's eyes on my all the way.

Maybe I was being annoying, in some way or another. I hadn't been in any other relationship. My family was small and it had been a relief when my parents got divorced. I had no idea how people who were happy together acted and it showed far too often. I could give Embry space for a little. Get the guys off his back. Off of mine as well.

Emily asked what was wrong but I brushed it away and she let it drop. For now. This wasn't a big deal. I couldn't overthink it. So I didn't.

I quickly failed and overthought the hell out of it.

What kinds of intimacy should I limit around other people? Were short kisses still okay? Loving staring contests? How much should I pull myself from touching him? Should I hang out with him less? Let him just hang out with other people less? For how long? Should I just take a break, or should I learn how to bother him with my presence less? Perhaps I was too needy and needed to calm down in general.

Why was this so hard?

Short story even shorter, it didn't take Embry a long time to notice my odd activity. After spending every second of every day I was allowed to, attached to him in some way or another, my forced distance and the awkward way I. Was handling him was obvious and painful. After a whole day of me just not touching him because I was hyper overthinking, he finally reached out for me. I tried to find a middle but I was an extreme person. Being allover him was easy. So was not touching him at all. I could set a clear line and rules and not cross them. Where did you step when it was all grey though and you had to make precise movements? Lines that shaped boxes were solid and dark for a reason. It was impossible to navigate without the star difference and clear paths.

Finally, Embry snapped. He found me during lunch one day and pulled me aside, his face clouded with far too many emotions. Fear; guilt; worry; confusion. Maybe more I couldn't quite place. None of them made sense. "Are you okay?"

"Never been better." A white lie. The teasing had died down and I definitely felt better about myself, but I was also massively anxious and craving Embry's touch and it was driving me just a little mad.

He rose an eyebrow. "Are... we okay?" The fear and worry rose a little and suddenly all the buried confusion that left his face rose to my own.

"So far as I know."

He pursed his lips.We seemed to be at an impasse, unsure how to approach a problem neither of us were sure the exact shape of. See? Back at this gray in between kind of there kind of not line again. Things needed to be straight forward! This was ridiculous!

"You've been distant lately," he started slowly, allowing me time to process and jump in whenever.

I shrugged. I felt extremely self conscious. What was I just saying about being straight forward? Geez I was a mess. "Um... I figured maybe you and the guys wanted me to back off a little?"

Embry's face was wiped of all expression, a new one taking place of all of them: surprise. "Why would you ever think that?"

Now I felt silly. "Uh, I don't know." I looked away, shuffling. "The guys' relentless teasing, I guess. They seem to be really annoyed by my neediness and I was thinking maybe they were acting like that because they were uncomfortable. I know I've been stealing you from Quil a lot recently, and distracting you during hang outs. I thought maybe you were secretly feeling smothered and were too nice to say anything." He looked absolutely bewildered and I scrambled to make sense of it. "I just- it seemed that they were hinting at something very strongly, because that's usually the level someone reaches when I'm missing something big. Constantly doing the same thing, repeating certain words or phrases, long eye contact and pointed looks..." My voice faded out.

Embry began grinning brightly, his hands reaching up to cup my face. "You dork. They're all very affectionate, and they can't rough house and play around like they could with me, so they made a different approach. You're kind of like one of the guys- really fun and energetic. Down to go out and do things. They still haver to be super careful though, so that... friendship, I guess, shows up in what they can do: they tease. A lot." He blushed. "They thought it would be fine after you started to retaliate and laugh along with us."

My hands rose to cover my face as realization dawned on me. "I'm such an idiot."

Embry began laughing as he reached up to pull them away. "Don't hide that pretty face from me." He leaned down, pressing a little kiss to the tip of my nose. My anxieties melted away and I couldn't help but done a sweet smile. "At least you're my idiot."

I shoved him and he allowed it to have impact for my benefit. "You jerk!" We both began laughing before moving close again, him pulling me under his arm and into his side.

"You know, you keep being sassy and retaliating with that amazing confidence you have, and I'll beat them up for you, yeah? You can cheer me on."

Little giggles rolled from me. "I'd love that."

Embry kept his promise. The next time we were with the others we unabashedly cuddled and kissed and touched each other being as heavy with PDA as usual. Quil started up first, oohing and aweing. Paul started up with the whistling and even Jake joined in with the kissy noises. Jared ignited that usual laugh, making suggestive gestures in an effort to make me blush or become awkward.

Embry gave a huge sigh and moved to them, leaving me behind in the chair. He played it casual until he got close to Quil, who started it. He then hooked his friend under his arm in a head lock. The boys began rough housing; thankfully, we were already outside so Emily didn't have to worry about it.

People started making bets as the two laughing boys began to get rough. Jared and Paul cheered and Jake came over, throwing an arm around me. "Hey I just wanted to say... sorry." He gave me a small smile. "I know Embry's been worried about you for the last while and since this-" he motioned to Quil and Embry. "-is a thing, I assume it's their fault. They won't apologize, but they really don't mean any harm."

I grinned. "You know, I think I'm catching on. Boys are idiots."

We both laughed before he nodded and admitted, "Yeah. We really are. Especially when it comes to girls we have feelings for, or girls our friends have feelings for."

I grinned so wide it hurt, my face red and radiating heat. It was like having a whole gang worth of brothers. Maybe I'd been embarrassed before, but now I was so glad to have each and every one of them. It wasn't just me- we were all idiots. That's what made us so very, very fun.

What made us family.

"You think Embry or Quil will win?"

Jake shot me a devious grin. "Money's totally on Quil."

I smirked. "You're on." I ran ahead a little so Embry could hear when I screamed, "KICK HIS ASS BABE!"

The boys all erupted into laughter around me.

It was absolutely perfect.

-

Forever Tag List: @bitchyseawitch @alexa-playafricabytoto @chipster-21 @captainxmikaelson @justanotherdaydreamersoul

[myemergence]

(never) leaving you behind

A/N: Thanks to Nicole for the beta on this!

For Buddie First Kiss Week prompt: because they think they’re going to die.

@buddiefirstkissweek

Check out my other works over on AO3

***

“I don’t think this is what Christopher meant when he said ‘have fun, Dad’,” Eddie says dryly. He grunts as the Jeep jumps over the ragged road, grabbing onto the door frame for security.

Buck rolls his eyes, glancing at Eddie before bringing his attention back to the rough terrain leading to the canyon’s hiking trails. Buck begged Eddie to come out with him today to do something while Christopher was away at summer camp. He was kid-free —he had the freedom to do whatever he wanted—and Eddie’s choice would have been to have a Netflix marathon or catch up on cleaning, maybe even read a book while the house was quiet. Buck’s idea was quite the opposite: go hiking. 

In the grueling California heat.

Eddie glances at his coffee mug as it jostles with each and every bump. It’s too early for this. He really needs a caffeine fix before he tells Buck where he can shove his ‘adventure’ and ‘embracing life’. He uses the back of his hand to dab away the light sheen of sweat that’s already beading on his brow.

“I don’t think he meant for you to stay at home in your pajamas and be a  dull  dad, Eddie. He’s going to ask what you did while he was away at camp. Which, by the way, I advised you heavily against, if you’ll remember.”

“Oh, I remember,” Eddie mutters, and he’s certain that Buck purposely hits this bump a little harder than the rest. He narrows his eyes.

“I’m just saying,” Buck continues, his body somehow relaxed despite the steady stream of bumps and the gritty road that crunches beneath the tires. “He’s not going to want to hear about how you watched Tiger King, or whatever the hell it is that you’re watching these days.” He finally brings the Jeep to a stop, and Eddie breathes out a sigh.

“Yeah, he doesn’t want to have such a dull and boring dad,” Eddie grumbles, grabbing the travel mug and taking a few sips, unmoving, as Buck hops out and moves towards the back to pull their hiking bags out. Eddie spent the better part of Christopher’s early years in a warzone and aside from his work with the 118, his life these days is less than riveting. Eddie isn’t unaware of that, but having Buck point it out to him puts him on the defensive. 

“There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s just—” Buck scrambles to get the words out, but Eddie cuts him off abruptly.

“Oh, I can’t wait to hear this,” Eddie says sarcastically as he climbs out of the Jeep and turns his full attention to Buck, arms crossed over his chest. “It’s just what?”

“It’s just you’re better than that, Eds. You’re not some boring, old man. You’re a cool dad, an  exciting  dad.”

Eddie raises his brow as he takes his pack from Buck and snorts a laugh. “Really?” 

“Really. How many kids get to say that their dad is a hero?” Buck pauses, watching as Eddie sets the coffee mug back in the cupholder. “ You really should stick to water for the rest of today.”

Eddie rolls his eyes. “Sure thing,  Papa Buck .” He hauls his pack onto his back and watches Buck do the same, clipping the buckle across his chest to secure it. Although Eddie protested the entire way out here, he’s glad to be spending time with Buck. He’d prefer to be relaxing at his place over coffee or a few beers though, not waking up at 5 am on his day off.

But, he’ll take what he can get at this point.

______________________________

Buck walks beside Eddie, matching his stride step for step.  They’ve been hiking for a few hours already, though Eddie’s sure it’s been twelve days. “Isn’t this better than a Netflix marathon?”

Eddie takes a few long sips from his water. “Oh yeah, this is so much more relaxing.”

“Stop.”

Eddie shrugs his shoulders and lets out a sarcastic laugh. “I mean, I could—”

“No Eddie,  stop .” He almost continues walking, only halting when he feels Buck’s hand closing around his wrist. He’s not sure why, but his heart races at the contact. Buck’s palm is tacky, his fingers a hot bracelet around his wrist. 

“I—”

“Look around,” Buck’s voice is softer now as he gestures his other hand in front of them. The blue sky and bright sun are the finishing touches to the picturesque view of the canyon. Eddie’s heart continues to beat rapidly in his chest and he wonders if Buck can feel his heartbeat race beneath his fingertips.

Buck’s hand drops away and they stand together in silence. His eyes sweep over the view and he feels a certain peacefulness here. There’s a stillness and a sense of calm that can’t be explained. “It’s… beautiful.” Eddie says finally, glancing over at Buck, noticing the way that the sun brightens the blue in his eyes.  Beautiful .

He swallows hard before he feels Buck’s hand on his shoulder. “Come on, it gets better,” Buck promises. Eddie nods, the contact pulling Eddie away from thoughts of swimming in the ocean of his best friend’s gorgeous blue eyes. He needs to pull it together.

Eddie tries to pinpoint when his feelings went from platonic to… whatever this is. 

He realized after the lawsuit how much he needed Buck in his life. His absence in Eddie’s life had been excruciating, trying to navigate the days without him there felt impossible, and facing life’s challenges without him felt insurmountable. So he reminds himself to keep his feelings in check because he can’t face that kind of loss again, even if that means entertaining every ridiculous idea that he has.

Sure, Eddie had put up a fight about coming today. But both he and Buck knew he’d never say no, that he  couldn’t .

So, they continue their hike, and Eddie’s legs ache with fatigue. “Buck, I need to sit down and drink some water,” He grumbles as he takes several long sips of water, unable to remember the last time that water was so refreshing.

“Alright, take a break but I just want to check this out quick,” Buck says as he walks closer to the edge of the Canyon that overlooks the valley below.

“Don’t get too close,” Eddie warns as he digs in his bag for a granola bar. 

“How am I supposed to get a decent selfie if I don’t get close?” Buck jokes as he pulls out his phone.

“Buck, don’t be an idiot,” Eddie says tersely as he glances up, seeing that Buck isn’t actually trying to take a selfie. Eddie pulls out his own phone briefly, frowning when he looks down and sees that he doesn’t have any signal. “I swear to God, if you end up being one of those morons that falls off of a cliff taking a selfie, I’ll kill you myself.”

There’s a stretch of silence.

“Shit.” Eddie hears the sudden change in Buck’s tone, tight in alarm, and his head snaps up. He watches Buck blink blearily, his eyes struggling to focus. The fuzzy look in Buck’s eyes reminds Eddie that Buck hasn’t eaten anything since they started the hike.

“Buck,” Eddie calls out in warning, moving quickly to get to his feet. “Buck, get away from-” The words die in the back of Eddie’s throat as terror rips through him. He sees Buck stumble, hears the sickening sound of crumbling rock and the world stutters to a halt.

Shock registers on Buck’s face seconds before he disappears along from the edge of the cliff he was just standing on.

The clifftop is calm and still. In Buck's absence, the sky remains as blue as his eyes; the sun still blinding in its light without the glow of Buck’s smile.

It feels inexplicably wrong in a world where Buck no longer exists.

“Buck!” Eddie’s legs crumble beneath him and he feels paralyzed as the gravity of the situation overwhelms him. Buck is…  gone , almost as if he was never there to begin with.

Suddenly Eddie is picturing a world without Buck, the grief and weight of that slamming into him so hard that a sob bursts past his lips. 

“BUCK!” He screams desperately, scrambling forward, careful to slow his movements a few feet from the edge.

Eddie’s holding his breath, waiting. Waiting for a response from Buck. Waiting for Buck to say something. Waiting for any sound to indicate that he’s okay.  

Any sign at all that he’s somehow survived this. 

Nothing comes. 

“Fuck. Evan!” Eddie howls, the terror that’s clawing at his chest threatening to suffocate him. His hands shake as he lowers himself to the ground, crawling the last few feet, dragging himself to the edge. Another helpless sob rips through him.  

He can see Buck’s body now, and he forces out a shallow breath. He tries to level his voice as he calls out to him again. “Buck!” Somehow he’s managed to land on a small ledge about fifteen feet below, his body hanging precariously, fingers white-knuckled from the strain as he grips at the edge. He sees cuts and scrapes, trying to catalog the damage like he does every day on the job. His eyes sweep over Buck’s face, seeing pain and fear there. 

Then it hits him. Hard.

The relief he feels when he first sees Buck somewhere other than lifeless at the bottom of the canyon quickly fades, It’s replaced with something familiar; helplessness and fear which threaten to suffocate him. Feelings that are too familiar when it comes to Buck. Eddie tries to blink away the horrific memory that creeps in, threatening to paralyze him. 

The noise, it’s so loud. Eddie can barely hear anything, Buck is trapped beneath the ladder rig and he’s unable to escape, pinned down. Eddie’s helpless to do anything to help. They’re at the mercy of a hate-filled psychopath, and he’s looking at Buck like he’s collateral damage. Eddie chokes on the fear, raw and bitter in the back of his throat. How can they just stand here and look on as Buck writhes in pain?

But they’re forced to. And for what feels like hours Eddie has to swallow down the absolute terror that’s rising up in his chest, gripping too tightly like a vice and making it impossible to breathe. They need to help him, they need to do something . But the police cordon on scene makes it impossible, and they’re forced to hang back.

He has no control. He can do nothing for Buck.  Nothing.

Eddie forces the feeling down. He could do nothing for Buck after the explosion, but this isn’t the ladder rig. He let Buck down before and he’s damn sure that he’s not going to do it again this time.

“Eddie,” Buck all but pleas, eyes flitting to Eddie’s as he attempts to gain some footing below to push himself up. Eddie pulls his phone out to try calling for help, but as soon as he looks at his phone he remembers they have no signal, and he all but throws his phone over the precipice. There’s nobody he can call, nobody that he can send for help.

“Buck, can you grab hold of anything else? Is there anything you can put your foot on?”

“I’m trying,” Buck grunts, and fuck, Eddie can see the fear in his eyes and hear the tremble in his voice. Eddie blinks, forcing the tears down his cheeks. “I-I’ll get it. Go get help.” Eddie registers that he’s pushing his fear down for Eddie’s benefit, and it’s everything he can do not to scream.

The self-sacrificing fuck.

He wants Eddie to leave him while he dangles off of a cliff and then falls to his death. Alone.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Eddie growls.

“Eddie, you have to go get help. There’s nothing you can do.” He knows Buck isn’t going to let it go, and this battle of stubbornness is going to end one way or another on this cliff. He’s out of Eddie’s reach, about fifteen feet down but Eddie’s not ready to let any distance get between them, not again. He refuses to stand by this time.

“I’m not leaving you here to die. So save your energy, alright?” There’s no way that Buck can hold on much longer. Eddie sees the obvious shake in his shoulders, he hears the grunts as Buck gives everything he has to try to pull himself upright onto the flat surface. Eddie glances down, sees the gaps and crevices in the rock. He can do this. He has to do this. He can’t let this be the end.

He won't.

“Eddie, no!”

They’ve scaled down cliff sides, done repel rescues,  and dealt with worse conditions before, but Eddie knows this is different. There’s no harness keeping him safe, there’s no winch to lift them to safety once he gets down to Buck. He knows that he's out of options. This time, he refuses to leave Buck behind. Eddie takes a steadying breath and presses his fingers into the Saint Christopher medal that hangs around his neck. He shifts his body, turning so he teeters over the edge, finally finding footholes and trying to ignore the steep drop below.

“Eddie, please! You have to think of Christopher!” Buck yells, continuing to struggle below. 

“I  am,” Eddie grunts as he moves down the face of the cliff, little by little. “Christopher would never forgive me for giving up on his Buck.” It isn’t much longer until he’s on the ledge that Buck is dangling from. Eddie lays flat on his stomach, moving quickly to grab Buck’s arms. It’s a long tense moment as they struggle to get Buck back onto the ledge without Buck losing grip or Eddie slipping down with him.

“You’re an idiot!” Of all the words that Eddie’s expecting after he prevented his friend from falling to his death, these weren’t among then. Buck’s tone is absolutely seething, it prickles at Eddie’s skin.

Both men pant, their backs pressed against the hard rock behind them. 

Eddie barely manages a breathless laugh, turning his head to look at Buck. “How about a thank you for saving your life?” Buck’s jaw is set and he rolls his eyes wordlessly, grimacing as he looks down at his battered hands but doesn’t turn to look at Eddie. He watches Buck in silence when he doesn’t say anything. “Did you think I was just going to leave you down here to die alone?” 

“That was the plan,” Buck whispers, and Eddie feels the world around him fracture.

“How could you think that I would just… let you die?” Eddie has to force the words out as he watches Buck. Finally, he lifts his eyes to Eddie’s and he sees the pain there, the reluctance. “When you were being crushed by the ladder rig I was forced to stand by. I couldn’t do anything to help you. All I could do was pray that we’d be able to get to you in time. I-I couldn’t leave this up to chance again.”

“If you would’ve just left me down here, you would’ve been okay, Eddie. You—” Buck cuts himself off, the broken look on his face registering his total lack of faith that they'll be able to find a way out of this. “Christopher’s already lost his mom and you barely survived your last brush with death. I am  so  pissed at you for putting yourself in this situation.”

Eddie’s quiet as he looks out at the steep drop below. “But I  did survive. And think about how many times you’ve survived when you obviously shouldn’t have. We’re going to find a way out of this. You can’t give up before we’ve even tried.”

So they try. If their hands weren’t already cut up before, attempting to climb back up the face of the cliff proves impossible. It’s too steep, too high, too unstable. Each attempt causes pebbles to rain down until they give up, panting from the excruciating heat of the sun beating down on them. No drinks, no food, no supplies.

They sit beside each other silently, until daylight fades and dusk settles on them. Eddie isn’t sure what’s worse, the silence forces him into his own thoughts or that Buck has been silent for hours now. He’s used to Buck being loud and boisterous, an overwhelming presence that makes Eddie feel complete. The absence of that energizing life — the fear of their sealed fate — leaves Eddie feeling lifeless.

Eddie glances over at Buck, briefly wonders he’s actually fallen asleep because of how quiet he’s been. He sees Buck staring straight ahead. “Are you still mad at me?” A shiver coursing through his body as the temperature begins to drop, crossing his arms tightly across his chest. He wonders if Buck is even listening.

“I don’t know how to answer that,” Buck whispers. “It wasn’t that long ago that you narrowly survived death.” He sounds like all of his energy has been zapped and Eddie wishes there was some way that he could bring him back. His tone is rough from exhaustion and heavy with guilt. “I’m the one that said you needed adventure in your life.  I’m  the one that said—”

“No,” Eddie says, reaching blindly for Buck’s hand and wincing through the pain that jolts through him. “This is not on you. I chose to come out here. I could have said no. I mean, Netflix  may  have been a little safer.”

"This is just what I do,” Buck says, the self-deprecation in his voice clear. “First I put Christopher at risk and he almost dies. Then I make you come out here with me for some ridiculous guy’s adventure while Christopher’s at camp so you have a story to tell and… we’re not gonna make it, Eddie.  Nobody’s gonna find us.”

“This isn’t your fault. I wanted to spend time with you, Buck. I-” This isn’t how Eddie’s pictured this going, not that he’s imagined a thousand different scenarios. All of the possible ways that Eddie’s walls can come down enough for him to tell Buck how he actually feels. Buck might be right, they might not get rescued and… they might die out here. “Did you tell anyone about hiking?”

“I told Maddie I was going hiking, but I uh, I never said where.”

“It’s okay,” Eddie tells him quietly, though his voice breaks a little. He gently squeezes Buck’s hand and scoots closer until his side is pressed against Buck’s.

“When that drilling rig came down on top of the well, and you were still down there… the world stopped. And I know that you cut your rope because you had to save the kid, and I… I definitely would have done the same thing, Eddie.” Buck’s voice is hoarse as he turns to look at him. Despite the darkness, he can see the way that Buck’s eyes shine with tears. “I know we haven’t really talked about it because you said you were  fine .”

“I  was …. I-I am.”

“We’re not fine right now. And what happened to you down there… it wasn’t fine. Christopher almost lost you. And then what would happen to him, huh?”

A choked sound slips past Eddie’s lips then. “It was okay. Because I knew you were up there. You were safe.” He closes his eyes, leaning his head back against the hard rock, trying to let the icy discomfort distract him from the burning ache in his chest. “I knew that if I couldn’t make it back to him… that you would make sure he was okay. That if I died, you would’ve made sure that he didn’t forget me, that he’d still have his days with his Buck. He has people who love him, but I didn’t give up,” he whispers. “I fought to come back to Chris, to you.”

Buck drags his free hand through his short curls. “You fought so hard to come back after the drill rig collapsed and yet you threw it away like it was nothing to come down here today. Putting yourself back in danger. You just gave up on everything, on your life, on  Christopher. You were up there and you were safe! Why?” The volume and anger drain from his tone and he ends brokenly, his voice barely above a whisper.  “I- I’m not that important. Not like he is. Not like Isabel or Pe-”

Eddie feels a wave of nausea overcome him. He blinks, the tears shaking loose and slipping down his cheeks “What?” He demands, his tone bewildered. “How can you say that you’re not important, Ev? How can you be so blind? You are so important. You matter the most. I could never just… leave you behind.”

Eddie feels tremors against his side, an aftershock of the sobs that have overcome Buck. He breathes out the steadiest breath that he can muster, slipping an around Buck’s shoulders and drawing him close. Eddie’s fingers slip through Buck’s hair and he tries to ignore the way that Buck’s hair is becoming wet with Eddie’s own tears. He repeats the soothing motion, his lips nearly brushing Buck’s forehead. “I’ll never leave you behind.”

He isn’t sure Buck truly understands the weight of those words, the thought of existing without Buck now is like a rainbow trying to exist without the sun; an actual impossibility. He remembers all of the days that Buck’s bright smile and warmth have pushed aside the overbearing clouds that Eddie’s unable to weather alone; a dry shelter to get warm amidst a storm. 

“I’m sorry,” Buck sniffles and for a moment Eddie’s afraid he’s crossed a line, that invisible line that he’s been hovering over precariously for months. The line that friends don’t cross, inching closer and closer and barely staying on the side of friendship, gazing longingly at more. 

Buck shifts slightly to look up at Eddie. “Thank you… for not leaving me behind.” Buck’s voice is raw, hoarse from crying. Eddie sees the trail Buck’s tears have left behind and he itches to brush them away. To assure him that it’s going to be okay.

Instead, he nods. “You don’t have to thank me for that, Buck. It was selfish,” he tries for a joking tone, but it falls flat and his voice shakes. Because Eddie knows the underlying truth: it was selfish. He saved Buck for his own benefit, because he can’t deal with a life without Buck. 

Buck shifts in his embrace and Eddie’s fingers slip from his hair. Buck kneels in front of Eddie and, without warning, Buck’s hands are on his face, the space between them is gone. Buck’s lips press against his, rough and needy. Desperate tears slip from Eddie’s eyes as he parts his lips and Buck moves closer, until he’s straddling Eddie’s lap. Their chests press together and Eddie cradles the back of Buck’s head with one hand, the other grasping onto Buck’s shirt like a lifeline.  

Buck draws back, heart still thundering in his chest while Eddie’s hand remains balled in a fist at the front of Buck’s shirt. Slowly, his eyes open and he has to remind himself how to breathe with striking blue eyes watching him.

The rapid rise and fall of Buck’s chest is captivating, overcome by the fact that they’re both still alive. They’ve survived so much and this is happening. Buck kissed him after all of this time. Maybe it’s born from desperation because they don’t know if or when they’ll be found, maybe he would have kissed anyone at this moment — Eddie’s not sure. But he feels a light fluttering in his stomach, and he swallows hard as he tries to keep it at bay— that feeling that Eddie’s trying not to give a name to; hope. 

It’s hard not to let that feeling surge through him, difficult to remain level-headed and impossible to be logical with the heavy presence in his lap. Buck’s eyes bore into him, parting his lips like he wants to say something, like he needs to say something. The air between them is charged, “Eddie,” he croaks. Eddie grabs Buck’s face, dragging Buck deeper into his space. He wants to find refuge in him until nothing else exists.

There’s no canyon, no dark, no fears here.

Only Buck.

Soft lips brush against Eddie’s once more before he withdraws. Eddie’s hand rests against Buck’s chest, his heartbeat strong and steady. “We can’t give up yet,” Eddie tells him quietly. “We have something to fight for, both of us — so many things, Buck. Christopher. Maddie and Chim’s baby. Our families. The 118.”

Buck’s nod is barely perceptible. “Each other,” he adds, brushing his thumb against the corner of Eddie’s mouth.

“So let’s rest. When the sun rises, we’ll find a way.”

They press against each other, cuddling the best that they can for an uncomfortable and sleepless night. 

______________________________

They spend the morning ignoring their rumbling stomachs and parched mouths. Buck tries hoisting Eddie as high as he can, trying to lift him high enough that he has something to grip onto, to pull himself to safety so that he can call for help. They try. Again, and again, and again. 

“Let’s just… give it a rest for now, okay?” Eddie says, his arms and legs shaking with exertion.  

“Fine,” Eddie hears Buck’s clipped tone, and he tries not to grimace. He knows that Buck doesn’t want to quit, doesn’t want to give up.  That’s just who Buck is, a fighter. But he’s physically hurting, Eddie can see it. He needs him to take a break. “It’s only gonna get harder, the longer we’re out here.”

“I know,” Eddie says quietly. “Just a couple minutes, please.” He reaches out for Buck’s hand, the heat of the sun hot against his sweaty back. “Please.” Buck’s shoulders sag slightly, but he nods. Eddie sits down on the ground, gently grasping Buck’s hand.

“Tell me something I don’t know,” Buck says after a minute, and, if they weren’t in such a dire situation, Eddie would smile. Because that’s forever Buck, trying to learn something new.

“You know more about most things than I do,” Eddie says after a minute, gently bumping Buck’s shoulder with his own. 

“Useless knowledge, really,” Buck says. “But just think of one thing...two if you want to be the overachiever that I know you are.”

“Okay, two things,” Eddie murmurs, his aching hand gently gripping Buck’s.

“You’re the most selfless person that I know,” he pauses, fingertips tracing a pattern on the back of Buck’s hand. “I know you say that you make everything about you, but you don’t. You-you love harder than anyone else. You put yourself in danger to make sure everyone else is okay. You did it during the tsunami, with Chris. You did it yesterday,” his voice shakes, “for me.”

“Eddie, I’m not—”

“Don’t ever do that again.” 

Quiet falls over them, as they look out at the scenic view in front of them. He knows his heavy words aren’t what Buck was looking for, but he needs to be heard. Needs him to understand his importance, that he has a place. Not just as a firefighter, but as Buck. Minutes pass and Eddie gently tugs Buck’s hand closer, into his lap. 

“And, number two? It’s illegal to milk someone else’s cow in Texas.”

Buck rolls his eyes and a laugh slips past his lips. “Shut the fuck up.”

Laughter washes over Eddie, it’s been an entire day since he laughed, but his laughter is contagious. “I couldn’t make something that stupid up if I tried, man.” Their hands slot together carefully and Eddie’s eyes slip closed. He takes the time to listen to Buck breathing beside him, committing to memory the pattern of each breath instead of focusing on uncertainty. “Now it’s your turn.”

“Shhhh,” Buck shushes him loudly, holding a finger to his lips. Eddie rolls his eyes, tempted to smack Buck on the back of the head. But it’s the silence that allows Eddie to hear something, too. Noise from above.

Hikers.

They’re both on their feet in an instant. “HEY! We’re down here!” They shout and it’s a few tense moments before they see a couple of hikers peer over the edge. 

For the first time in over twenty-four hours, Eddie feels like he can finally breathe again.

______________________________

It’s been nearly a week since they were rescued. After they finally made it to safety, Eddie barely left Buck’s side for the first few days. He wanted to make sure that he was okay, and those few days after had been a little tense to say the least. Buck had kissed him, and Eddie kissed him back. But that was when they weren’t sure if they were going to make it out alive or not. Things were different now, Eddie understood that.

Life and death situations, they make people do crazy things. 

Buck steps into the kitchen where Eddie is pulling things out of the fridge. “What’re you doing?”

“I’m making us lunch, before we meet the bus to get Chris. He’s gonna want you there,” Eddie pauses, “I mean, unless you had other plans?”

“No, no I definitely want to be there,” Buck chuckles, looking at Eddie closely and his lips remain turned up in an amused smirk. “It’s just… we narrowly escaped dying a few days ago, I’d rather not tempt fate again.” The  asshole .

“Buck,” Eddie narrows his eyes in warning, setting down the ingredients on the counter. 

Buck holds up his hands in surrender. And dammit, despite the fact that he’s making a mockery out of Eddie’s ability to cook, he wants nothing more than to push Buck against the refrigerator and taste his lips again. 

He considers swallowing the feeling, pushing it back down where it can’t be seen. But then he remembers the swell of panic he felt when the probability of losing Buck was high. The idea of overstepping, the repercussions of making assumptions seem a little smaller now, less intimidating. 

Buck’s looking at him with a curious expression on his face, and Eddie closes in the distance between them with a few long strides. “I’m probably gonna regret this,” Eddie mutters, one hand resting against Buck’s chest and pushing him backward until he’s pressed against the fridge. Eddie’s other hand cups his cheek, thumb brushing tenderly against his jawline as his lips ghost over Buck’s, not quite touching.

Buck’s face tips down, blue eyes dancing with mirth find his amber ones, “I’m gonna regret it if you don’t kiss me already. Do I need to almost die for you to do it? I’m sure I can-”

“Shut up,” Eddie growls, pressing his hips forward into Buck’s like a warning. He feels Buck’s breath hitch and the corner of Eddie’s lip turns up at the result. His lips brush against Buck’s, slow and teasing. He nips at Buck’s bottom lip, then kisses the corner of his mouth tenderly before pulling back. 

“Better get busy.”  

“I’m sorry. Wh-what?” Buck stutters, a hazy expression clouding his features as he tries to process Eddie’s words.

“Better get busy making lunch. Since you don’t want to die today,” Eddie grins, a small feeling of satisfaction settling over him, stemming from the realization that he caused the dazed look on Buck’s face. He flashes a bright smile in turn, and it reaches his eyes this time. Eddie looks at him fondly, silently intertwining their fingers, as his heart swells.

Finally, on the afternoon before Christopher returns from sleep away camp, Eddie finds the fun that his son had been wishing him all along. 

[soybeantree]

when we must 

pairing: johnny x (reader) genre/warning: fluff count:  +1.9k description: there’s nothing like a good ol’ fashioned road trip to kick off the summer. even when johnny’s and your opinion of fun are two vastly different things. 

Laying on the motel bed with maps sprawled out before you, you groan and run your hand through your hair. When Johnny had suggested an old fashioned road trip, you had jumped at the idea. Anything sounded better than a week at work. However, you failed to understand what Johnny meant by "old fashioned" road trip. While you're not traveling around in a horse drawn cart, you are traveling without the aid of phone or GPS. A knock on your door draws you away from your futile planning attempt. Johnny greets you with a smile and food. His smile nearly earns him a slap, but the food saves him. You snatch the bag from his hand and flop back on the bed. "This is impossible. We are going to get lost and die in the middle of nowhere, and no one will be able to find us because we have no phone for them to track." "We have a phone." Johnny corrects as he settles on the bed next to you and reaches into the bag for his food. You narrow your eyes. "That piece of plastic does not qualify as a phone." You glare at the flip phone sitting on the bedside table. "It can call people that qualifies it as a phone." He says around a mouthful of food.

"Whatever. My point still stands that this is impossible. I'm not a navigator. I don't know how maps work. It's a miracle we actually found a motel today." Johnny shakes his head and pulls the maps closer to him. "We just need to pick a destination, see how many miles are between here and there, determine how long it will take to get there, and then highlight the route." "That all sounds complicated. You know what doesn't sound complicated. Typing an address into a GPS." Your argument falls on deaf ears. The maps hold Johnny's attention. He can spend all the time he wants on them. You dig through the bag, pulling out food. He bought all your favorite snacks. With a sigh, you bite into the food and huddle next to him as you two plan out the next day’s trip. An hour later, you've eaten all the food and planned the route for the next day. "See that wasn't so hard." You smack him with a pillow at him as you roll your eyes. He laughs as he swats the pillow away. "Make sure you get plenty of sleep.” He says as he stands and heads for the door. “We have a full day of travel ahead of us." "I still don't understand why we have separate rooms." You comment as you climb off the bed and head for your suitcase. "Because this is an old fashioned road trip." He explains to your back. "That's not actually a thing. You're just making all of this up." He chuckles. "Goodnight, Y/N." You wave a hand in response. _________________________________________

The next day starts early, but at least, it starts with donuts. Johnny shows up with a box and coffee. You sip on the blessed liquid as you sit in the passenger seat. The sun has yet to rise. When you point that out to Johnny, he smiles and says that's the point. Exhaustion dampens your fighting spirit, so you curl up in your seat and continue to sip. Johnny drives, gaze on the horizon. As you watch him, the sun rises in his eyes. The light sets them on fire and his whole face glows in the warm light. "Suns up." He beams. "Doesn't this make getting up worth it." He turns to you, and you glance to the sunrise, blinking to clear his image. You mumble a reply and refuse to look back at him. You drain your coffee, hoping to wake up and bring yourself back to sanity.

You met Johnny during college and nearly killed him when you first met. You had been studying in the library, fully prepared to pull an all-nighter. Everyone else had returned to their dorms, and true silence had settled over the library. Or so you thought. Shortly after two, the loudest, most annoying singing had filled the stacks. You snapped your pencil in shock. The singing continued. You stood, chair flying back. Storming down the rows, you found Johnny in an alcove at the back of the library. He sat hunched over his own stack of books, headphones in his ears, mouth acting as a speaker. "If you're going to sing, then why wear headphones!" Your screech had pierced through the music. What followed was twenty minutes of you berating him and threatening him with your broken pencil. Johnny sat patiently through your tirade, and when you finished, suggested food. You two found the closest 24-hour convenience store and spent the rest of the night eating and talking. You've been best friends since then. You've also been in love with him since then.

"We should stop here." Johnny pulls your attention back to him. The here, he refers to, is a wide expanse of rocks which rise into cliffs. He pulls the car off the road, shifting into park. "You want to climb them?" He nods. "If you break anything, I'm leaving you here to die." "I'd expect nothing else." He grins before diving into the back seat. As he rummages through your bags, you climb out of the car. The sun sits overhead, bathing you in warmth. You stretch like a cat waking from a nap and survey your surroundings. The rocks do lend themselves to climbing. After a glance back at Johnny, whose behind is the only thing visible as he continues his rummaging, you start off towards the formations. "If you break anything, I'm leaving you here to die too." You hear him call as you reach the foothills of the cliffs. You shake your head and ignore him as you reach for the first hand hold. Your foot finds a crevice, and you push yourself up. “Look at that form. Good lines. Lean muscles. Fashion evaluation however not good. Those shoes, stylish but not good for climbing.” Glancing back over your shoulder, you find Johnny bellow you a video camera in his hand. He swivels around you, getting every unflattering angle. "Why do you have a video camera? This is supposed to be an old fashioned road trip." You growl as you hurriedly pull yourself on top of the rock. "They had video cameras on old fashion road trips." He says as he continues to film. "You really are just making up shit now." "My trip. My rules." He shrugs. You chunk a pebble at him, and he jumps back laughing. "Remember what happens if you break anything." "That includes the camera?" You chunk another pebble, but his long legs keep the camera safe. "I said anything." He grins up at you, his eyes squinting in the sunlight. You roll your eyes and stick your tongue out at him. “Are you going to spend the entire day filming from down there or are you actually going to climb?” Closing the camera, he stows it in his backpack and follows the trail you blazed. He pulls himself up onto the ledge with you and stands. “Are you going to sit there all day or are you actually going to climb?” “I’m going to kick your ass. That’s what I’m going to do.” He darts off as you push yourself up. The afternoon is spent crawling around the rocks and filming your adventures. Johnny insists on finding every cinematic shot and forcing you to video him. He attempts to return the favor, but with the life of his camera hanging in the balance, he decides against it. As the sun sinks in the east, you and Johnny sit at the top of the rocks watching the sky blossom with shades of pink and purple. The night air fills with the sounds of clicks and croaks, the melodies blending together to create an evening song. “You know we didn’t even make it halfway to where we were going.” “I think we made it the whole way.” You glance over at him and find his gaze on you. Returning your attention to the sunset, you clear your throat. “We should head back before it gets too dark. After all we don’t have-” Flashlights was what you were going to say, but you trail off when Johnny pulls one from his backpack. “You were just prepared for everything weren’t you?” “Of course. I’m not going to half-ass a date.” That one word stills you, and you wait for him to laugh and take it back, but he doesn’t. He sets the flashlight on the ground next to him and zips up his pack. When he finally faces you again, he blinks at your expression. “What?” “This isn’t a date.” “Why not?” “Because we’re not dating.” “We're not?” “No!” "Oh,” he pauses his perfect lips puffing out in a pout. “This is awkward then, because I was going to propose to you at the end of this trip." "What?” Your heart races, but you force it to calm. Johnny’s joking, this is just the friendly banter you two always have. “You were not. We have to date before you propose." "How long?" "What?" "How long do we have to date before I can propose?"

Your heart kicks into high gear. "Why are you saying these things?" You refuse to look at him, focusing all of your attentions on the way the stones glisten in the fading sunlight. "Because I plan on marrying you." You dart up, mouth flapping but no sound comes out. "What if I don't plan on marrying you?" You stutter out. "Is it because I'm ugly?" "What? No." "So you find me attractive?" "Yes, no. Johnny, I am going to hit you. Stop talking." Fists clenched at your side, you fight back tears. Now is not the time to cry, but he’s so aggravating and stupid and you need him to shut up before he says something neither of you can come back from. Standing, he steps towards you and takes your hands in his. He waits until you meet his gaze. "You're my best friend. We've seen each other at our best and our worst. We survived an old fashioned road trip together. I think you're the most beautiful person in the world, and you said you think I'm attractive. So can we date for as long as you want to date and then get married?" "You can't spring stuff like this on people." You choke out, as those damn tears start to leak out. "You're right. I'm sorry. Should I give you time to think about this?" "I don't need time to think. The answer is 'yes'. I just need you to know there was a better way to do this." "We're dating then?" "Yes." "And I can kiss you." Your cheeks flame. "Ye-" A kiss swallows your answer. Johnny pulls back, a sheepish grin tugging at his lips. "You probably didn't mean right now, did you?" "I didn't mean not right now. I just - you're annoying, you know that Johnny Suh." You pull your hands from his and cross you arms. However, the blush still burning your cheeks foils your attempt at nonchalance. Stepping forward, you bury your face in his neck. His arms wrap around you, pulling you closer. "Six months." "What?" He mumbles into your hair. "Let's date for six months. After that, I'll decide if I want to date longer or get married." He squeezes you tighter and places a kiss on your cheek.

[vanillacaramelhoney]

Look for Me (12/12)

Pairing(s): Robin Buckley x Reader

Summary: Princess Robin Buckley, since the age of eight, was always seen with another girl- (Y/n) (L/n). They always chose to be together, but when (Y/n) is chosen as one of Robin's personal guards, they're practically tied together. It seems innocent to everyone, but so much more can happen behind closed doors.

Warning(s): Mentions of blood, implied death, poor writing

A/N: I hope y’all regret asking for this. Stream the acoustic version of where’s my love by syml for depression. I just want you to listen to it- it doesn’t even need to be right now.

Feedback is greatly appreciated!

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That Day

Silence is one of those things that drags on. It makes it seem that time passes much slower than it actually is.

Silence can be maddening.

There were so many things she could think about in the time it would take for Robin and her father to stop fighting. There were so many things she could think about before the inevitable.

So, she sat in silence. The only thing she could hear was her heart beating and her heavy breathing with the occasional footsteps passing the room she was shoved in.

(Y/n) had no idea how long she had been in the room, nor did she know how much longer she'd be in it.

The door opened with a loud creak, drawing (Y/n)'s attention.

Two guards stood in the doorway, staring her down. One signaled for her to stand.

Apparently, she wasn't staying for much longer. But where would she be going?

She could think of several options, but it seemed to be a simple room change- to the dungeons.

Okrynth was a very crime free kingdom- there were only a few people currently locked up. Very few people were brought down, so when (Y/n) was, all eyes were on her as she passed.

The guards stationed her in a cell, locked it, and left her to the silence again.

~

Robin's mind was a mess, and her throat was sore from yelling and arguing with her father for nearly six hours straight.

Her body was still high on adrenaline, and it wouldn't be coming down any time soon.

Right now, though, she needed to get to (Y/n).

Robin hurried down the corridor that led to the room (Y/n) was waiting in. Only, she got pulled aside.

She came face to face with Steve- she only recognized him because of (Y/n) hanging around him.

"What are you doing?" Robin asked, pulling her arm away.

"She is not there anymore," Steve told her.

"What?"

"(Y/n)- she got moved to the dungeons hours ago," he explained.

Robin cursed under her breath- it was her luck to miss her.

Steve went fishing through his pocket. He pulled out a delicate black key.

"It should unlock any of the cell doors, along with the door to the dungeons," Steve said, placing it in her hand.

"Do you even know why she is in there?" Robin asked, showing apparent disbelief that he would help her.

"You two are dating, got caught, and she is taking the fall for it, yadda, yadda, yadda. I'm not an asshole," Steve waved her off. "Go get your girlfriend." He nudged her forward.

Without hesitation, Robin dashed off and threw a quick "thank you" back to Steve. She navigated her way through the castle, doing her best to remain unseen. The last thing she needed right now was for someone to stop her.

She reached the hall that led to the dungeons, hiding behind a pillar. She peeked over, glaring at the sight of two guards standing off to the side of the door.

She couldn't use the excuse that her father wanted to talk to them- they are smart enough to know that it's a lie. If she asked to speak to (Y/n), they would follow her to make sure she didn't try anything. While they didn't directly focus on the door, it was impossible for Robin merely to sneak past them.

There was nothing she could do. But, it seemed that Steve had thought ahead for her.

She could barely see him approach the guards. She had no idea what he said to them, but they walked off. He looked down the hall and caught her gaze before waving her over.

Robin left her hiding spot and headed to the door. Steve left as she approached, most likely going to distract the guards.

She quickly unlocked the door and slipped inside before anyone could possibly catch her.

Moving down the stairs as fast as she could, Robin didn't bother being quiet. All she would do is disturb the people locked up, and it wasn't like they would do much.

She walked down the corridor, checking in every cell as she passed. There were many empty ones, and the criminals were all spaced out.

Finally, she managed to find (Y/n).

The girl sat near a corner of the cell, fiddling with the hem of her shirt.

The sound of Robin's footsteps stopping in front of her cell drew her attention. Her eyes widened, and she raced to stand. She approached the bars that separated them.

"What are you doing down here?" (Y/n) asked, watching as Robin unlocked the door. She swung it open, staring at (Y/n). "Robin?"

"We need to leave."

"He didn't change his mind, did he?" (Y/n) whispered.

Robin bit her lip, tears beginning to collect. That was all (Y/n) needed.

"Robin...," (Y/n) trailed off.

"We need to leave," Robin repeated. "I'm sure we can find somewhere safe to go."

(Y/n) shook her head. "No."

"What do you mean, 'no?'" Robin asked.

"You cannot throw your life away for me," (Y/n) told her. "I am not going to mess up your life by making you do that."

"You are not making me do anything," Robin said. "I am choosing to do this."

"I know, but that doesn't change anything," (Y/n) whispered. She brought her hands and cupped Robin's cheeks. "Go back upstairs."

"(Y/n), I can't leave you," Robin whimpered. Her tears began collecting where (Y/n)'s hands cradled her cheeks.

"Hey," (Y/n) choked, tearing up. "Look for me, okay?" Robin knew what she meant.

(Y/n) could hear the footsteps of multiple people approaching the dungeons. They were coming for her.

"You need to go," (Y/n) said, urgency in her voice.

"No," Robin tried to resist. Her hands came up to grip (Y/n)'s wrists.

"Robin, you have to," said (Y/n). "If they do anything to you, I will be devastated."

"And what about you? What about what they are going to do to you?!" Robin cried, tears coming down faster.

(Y/n) smiled sadly at her, the tears finally streaking down her cheeks.

"If you are safe, I could care less about myself," she said. "As your guard, I must protect you."

"No. You have to listen to me! You have to come with me! I can't let him hurt you!" Robin pleaded. "Please. Out of all the times you decide not to listen to me, do not make this one of those times!"

(Y/n) leaned in to press a kiss to Robin's lips, distracting her.

She slowly led the girl back into the cell. They pulled away and let go of each other as (Y/n) stepped around Robin.

"(Y/n)?" Robin's voice was nearly nonexistent.

"I have to keep you safe," (Y/n) whispered. She tore the key from Robin's hand and ran out of the cell.

Before Robin could reach it, she closed the cell door and locked it, leaving Robin to grasp onto the bars.

As much as it broke (Y/n)'s heart, she ignored Robin's cries to let her out.

The girl wiped her tears away and walked off, leaving Robin behind her.

When she reached the stairs, she stopped when a guard appeared. He seemed momentarily shocked to see her out of her cell but shook it off when more guards joined him.

"How the hell did you get out?" one asked.

She tossed the key to them, keeping a blank expression.

"You, uh," (Y/n) clear her throat, trying not to break. She pointed a thumb behind her. "You might want to go check on her."

The group of guards glanced amongst one another before two broke off to pass her.

"So, is everything ready then?" she asked.

"Are you going to cooperate, or do we need to shackle you?"

"Not necessary," (Y/n) said. "Lead the way."

With two guards grasping her arms, they led her off.

Back in the cell, Robin could see the two approaching guards. She waited impatiently, tapping her foot. She bit her nails out of nervousness.

The guards were surprised to see her standing in the cell.

"Let me out," she pleaded.

The guard with the key did such, unlocking the door and opening it for her.

Robin immediately rushed past them, ignoring their yells for her to stop.

She sped up the stairs and into the hall. She looked around for a sign of which way they had taken (Y/n), but there was nothing.

Robin chose to follow the hall that would take her out of the castle the quickest.

"Robin! Hey! Robin!" Steve's voice called her.

Hesitating, she stopped to let him catch up.

"Where's (Y/n)?" he asked.

Robin bit her lip. "She locked me in the cell and left. The guards were coming," she answered.

"Shit," Steve muttered. "Come on!" He pulled her forward, and they ran to one of the many exits of the castle.

They ended up at the front of the castle. 

Despite the distance, they could see a crowd taking up the entire town square.

Steve urged Robin along. If they were quick enough, they could make it in time. It was a very slim chance, but Robin had to take it.

Steve led her along every shortcut he knew to get there faster.

They reached the edge of the loud crowd. In the center of everyone was (Y/n), Robin's father, and several guards.

Robin's heart rate spiked.

She tried to run forward, but Steve wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her away.

"Steve, let me go!" Robin cried.

"It's too late," he whispered to her. "It's too late."

"It's not. It's not!" Despite her cries, Robin knew he was right. There was no saving her lover. Still, she struggled in Steve's grasp.

"You don't need to see this," Steve reasoned as he tried to pull her away.

She shook her head, continuing to beg for him to release her.

Robin could faintly see (Y/n) find her eyes. She offered a sad smile that spoke volumes.

Both knew that sooner or later, they'd be caught, and one of them would have to pay the consequences.

That day had come.

Robin fell back into Steve, who sat her down on the ground.

The sight of her lover's blood pooling and soaking into the wooden platform made her sick to her stomach.

[angelkurenai]

Imagine Dean constantly thinking about you and wanting to contact you since you left the bunker to have a life with Steve, feeling guilty for how you parted ways and missing you real bad because he was in love with you and didn’t get to tell you. Only to show up again in front of him.

Dean paced outside of Jack's room with a constant frown on his face and a heavy weight on his chest, making it impossible for him to breathe.

He could say he had felt this sort of hopelessness many times but not to this extend and not in this way, there was something entirely different about it this time that crushed his very soul to pieces and he hated being the reason to it. He hated feeling helpless, he hated not knowing what else to do and he hated having to lose one more person he cared for and... going through all of it on his own. All attempts to save Jack had failed and now he only paced around as they all tried to make him comfortable during his final hours. And yet, his mind wasn't entirely on the young man but rather someone else that – and he was willing to admit to himself that he was selfish after all – Dean needed real bad. The one he couldn't do this, or his general life after all, without.

He fidgeted with his phone, opening his contacts as if he was on autopilot. He'd done this so many times, even before Jack got worse, he couldn't stop himself even if he wanted to. Wether it was for a text or a call, which he never really made in the end. He saw his mother's contact and he realized how he had not called her either, pausing for a second he considered it but then caught sight of the contact he wanted and suddenly, again... you were all he could think about. You and your absence, which suddenly was haunting. It was even more haunting than having to wake up in the middle of the night because of a nightmare and walking to your room in hopes that you'd be there only to find an empty. Certainly not just as haunting and painful as him crawling under your covers nonetheless, just so that he could at least smell your scentin your pillows, even if he knew you'd never come back.

His thumb hovered over your contact, but just like every time, he shook his head and dismissed the thought. What if you didn't even want to talk to him? You hadn't called him in so long, he realized in fact you hadn't ever since you left the bunker. And that was one of the thoughts that made his heart twist painfully in his chest, because back before all of it happened, there wasn't a moment you'd spent apart. But then he had acted like an asshole when he found out about the guy you were seeing, hurt you so bad with his words that he knew, even if you said you'd forgiven him and were ok, you were still far from it.

“Dean?” he had heard that voice so many times in his dreams that he almost ignored it for a second, but then it dawned on him: he wasn't sleeping.

His eyes trailed up from his phone and he could swear he forgot breathing the moment he really saw you there. Someone had to be playing a joke on him, a cruel sick joke. His voice came out hoarse and low, laced with disbelief as his eyes widened both in shock and awe “(Y/n)?”

“H-Hey” you whispered with an almost shy smile, walking closer towards him “I- I have changed a bit but I hoped not that much. It's been a while huh?” you chewed on your lower lip a bit nervously and for a split second he only stared at you as if you were a living miracle. Well, you were his miracle anyway.

Still unable to breathe he took a few steps towards you, big strides actually, until he was nearly inches away from you and stopped himself abruptly. Was a hug even remotely ok now? He didn't know anymore. But he certainly didn't miss the way your small smile fluttered when he stopped himself from hugging you, if only you could see the pain when you didn't reach out to hug him instead. He craved that hug worse than air in that moment. There was a wall between the two of you, distance and hesitation as if all those years you'd lived with them and you had gotten closer had been erased. He could see it in the way you wrapped your arms around you and didn't reach out for him the way you normally would and he could hear it in your voice, nervous and holding back the usual emotions. It was as if you were strangers and boy thathurt.

“H-hey” he breathed out just as shakily “Wh-what are you doing here?”

“I uh-” your eyes slowly casted down as you wrapped your arms around yourself “Sammy texted me. He- He told me about Jack... Is it true?”

The way your voice cracked, small and laced with fear made him forget all about his own and want to cradle your body in his arms and never let go, hoping that he could take some of that pain away. If only he could. And that was probably just as painful to him as thinking you were in another man's arms now.

“Wish it wasn't, sweetheart.” his voice was still gruff as he tried to give you a half smile “Wish it wasn't but it's probably the last you'll see of him.”

“My gosh” you breathed out in a hoarse voice, placing a hand over your mouth and closing your eyes for a moment “My gosh, why? Why Jack? It's not fair, he's barely gotten the chance to live and he now...” you trailed off, shaking you head and at the sight of the tears in your eyes he could swear he caved in “I- I thought Sam was just losing hope and there could be a solution, that we would find it b-but-”

“There's not. There really isn't.” he stuffed his hands in his jeans' pockets and rested his weight on the wall, eyes not leaving your form “We're gonna lose him any given second so...” he sighed, his eyes painfully tearing away from you “If you want to see him, telling him goodbye, he's in there.”

“I-” you started, glancing at the door for a split second and you were sure he waited for you to walk away “I will I just... I wanted to make sure, you know... that you're-”

“That I'm?” he raised a soft eyebrow but you bit your lips and looked down. He sighed, looking away for a second, before clearing his throat “So... how's the apple pie life goin'? Got a dog yet?”

“That's not-” you were awkward for a second “That's not really it. We're- I mean I'm still hunting, whenever I can and we're mostly trying to... put things in an order, you know? Life around each other, some normalcy amongst everything and all that. Getting to experience new feelings, these kind of feelings, too is... it's always beautiful, I guess. I'm trying to navigate around all of it.”

“And?” his throat felt painfully tight but he couldn't stop himself from asking “Is it working? Cause you- you certainly seem different... happier.” he breathed out a small laugh but it was so forced and it hurt worse. Maybe just as bad as it was to see it for himself, as if someone had done what he couldn't. Make you happy. He had been struggling for that ever since he met you. Had he failed in that too?

“It's not that Dean.” you whispered, the smile you didn't even know you had on because of the other man flattering but Dean had already seen it anyway “I needed Steve, I needed to know him better.” you let out a soft sigh “Just cause I needed to experience this, doesn't mean replace this and what I had here with you guys. You- you guys are my family, nothing can take that away. It's not about it being better because it's just not easier for sure, there- there are hardships, I just want to live this.”

“So-” he cleared his throat, trying not to let his hopes get the best of him at your final words “You and Steve good then?” he shouldn't be insisting, it felt like tearing his own heart apart with his own hands, but he was desperate to catch a hint whether in your words or expression that things weren't great between the two of you. That there was still a chance for him.

“Don't go all big bro mode on me now.” there was a hint os sadness and even bitterness when you said the word, you really thought that he only saw you as a sister anyway “We're good, Dean. We're good.”

He could swear, trying not to let his disappointment show was one of the hardest things he had to do in his entire life. Forcing a half smile he nodded his head “I'm glad then... Makes it worth it.”

"What?" you tilted your head, the low words barely registering. But he didn't explain, only shook his head.

The silence that set between the two of you was far too heavy, far too uncomfortable; especially for two people that used to stay in silence for hours just holding onto each other and knew what the other wanted to say without the need for words. The wall that had been put between the two of you had made most of those feelings run cold. You couldn't bring yourself to reach out for him and make things like they used to be. And the presence of another man in your life only made it harder for Dean to make up for it.

H-how are you?

Your question took him by surprise. He raised his head to look at you, eyebrows softly raised as his eyes moved back and forth. His lips parted but no words came out for a few seconds as he stared at you nearly dumbfounded. You were still distant though.

He blinked “I uh well, what can I say?” he laughed bitterly, dragging a hand down his face “Like total crap doesn't even begin to cover it. It's all- Shit, it's all so fucking screwed I- I don't even know what to do anymore, kiddo. I've- I've screwed up big time, I've failed Jack, Cas and Sam too. I've even... I failed you and there's no undoing it and it's all-”

“Dean” your voice was soft just like when he'd come to your bed and wake you up, without the same hint of innocence though. You didn't reach out for him, he noticed again “It's not your fault, none of this is. Jack's-” you choked on your words “I'm sure Jack doesn't blame you. Neither does Cas or Sam. I... I don't either. You didn't cause this, I know you did all you could to save him.”

“Like you'd know.” he couldn't help the small hint of bitterness voice and although it wasn't meant for you to hear, you did anyway “Can I... Can I ask you something?” his eyes met yours and a nod was your response “You said Sammy texted you and you came but- but in four months we- we haven't had any contact. You and I. And I'm not saying it's-” he shook his head, biting his lip “Just, is... is Jack the only reason you're here?”

He wanted to hear the answer to that but feared it worse that death. But he needed an answer so bad too.

“I- I mean-” he noticed your hesitance and the way your eyes widened.

“Would you have come if Jack wasn't dying? If these weren't his last moments. And if- If I was the one to make the call. Would you have come... for me, (Y/n)?”

Your lips parted, your eyes were still locked with his but this time not a single sound left. Instead you pursed them and your eyes slowly trailed down, giving him the answer to his question nonetheless. He smiled even though it hurt like hell, nodding his head as he looked away from you.

“Of course. Of course, why would you?” it comes out with sarcasm and so much hurt, the words are even more painful to you as he pushed off the wall “Well, you know where Jack is, don't wanna keep wastin' your time.”

“No, Dean, please.” you breathed out so softly he almost didn't hear you, his back facing you; but he certainly felt your hand grasp onto his arm. The skin to skin contact made his entire body freeze, shocking shivers running down his spine. “I didn't mean it like that.”

“The how?” he asked so tired when he turned to face you “How did you mean it? Because if you say we're good like you said four months ago then-” he shrugged exhausted, shaking his head “This ain't ok, (Y/n).”

“I just...” your hand slipped from his arm “It's not because I'm mad, I'm really not, Dean. We did settle that, I know that you didn't mean it. I didn't leave the bunker because I'm mad at you or because-”

“You're hurt?” he knew that you still were, because out of jealousy he had been a real idiot and said things he shouldn't, things that weren't true. But he just hated not being the one to hold you, to make you feel better about it and prove to you that he didn't mean it. Just as much as he hated that you wouldn't tell him what was really your problem but pretend you were alright and just pushed him away.

“We are ok, Dean.” you said firmly “It's just that I'm trying to put things in an order right now a-and he- he's been through so much that he just... he needs me. He-”

“So do I!” he breathed out, throwing his arms in the air, too tired and hurt to even hold up a mask in the first place. The words died out in your lips and your eyes widened. He had never admitted it, not out loud and not in such vulnerable way.

“I always did. Always. You think I didn't need you when Lucifer took Sammy and Jack and nearly killed them? Do you think I didn't need you it all went to hell and Michael came into our world? Or you think I didn't need you when Michael possessed me and used like some freaking piece of meat? Tossed me in a corner of my mind and left me to drown endlessly? Do you think I didn't need you when I was forced to make the hardest choice of my life? Or do you think I didn't need you when I came back a-and couldn't feel comfortable in my own home let alone own body? Do you think I didn't need you when I was the one to witness Jack cough blood and pass out right in font of me? Do you think I didn't need you when I couldn't sleep because of the nightmares? Do you think I still don't need you?” his voice didn't raise, not to much to yell at you, and maybe you wished he would because at least then you'd know he was angry and not this broken. He was more torn than mad at you and that actually broke you too.

He was tired, so tired of it all, maybe part of him wished Michael hadn't let go of him in the end and you both knew it. He wished he couldn't feel a damn thing.

“But I never told you. Never.” he breathed out with a numb shrug.

“Wh-what? When did that hap...” you started in a weak voice but you could barely get any words out. The lump that formed in your throat was far too painful. Tears welled up in your eyes.

“You wouldn't know. You wouldn't know any of it because you weren't here. And I didn't call because I know exactly what your answer would be, I knew it even if I didn't want to admit it to myself.” he nodded his head, as he looked away with red-rimmed eyes “Steve ain't the only one who needs you but h-how? How would you know about me when you don't give a flyin' fuck anymore?”

“D” it came out with a whimper “It's not like th- if- if I'd known- if I-” your voice shook as you took a step forward but he backed away.

“Whatever.” he shook his head, sniffling before clearing his throat and clenching his jaw “Doesn't matter now. None of it matters, it's uh-” he scoffed a laugh “It's stupid. I should've never brought it up in the first place. You're... We're not the same anymore. This is all pointless.”

“Is it?” you asked with a deep frown, your own eyes glossy.

“Yes.” he said firmly, turning his head to meet your eyes “Yes it is. You've made your choice and even if you say you ain't replacing us, that's not what I see. There is no need to talk to you about it, no need to make this harder on you than it is. If Steve is making you happy enough then... who am I to say a thing?”

“You know who you are. Dean's you-”

“No I don't know.” he cut you off, voice louder this time and with more anger “I don't know a single thing anymore. And I certainly... don't know you.”

His words earned a gasp from you and made your eyes widen. It felt worse than being stabbed right through the chest and you couldn't help the hint of bitterness in your lips as you spoke “Then that's something we can agree on. Because neither do I with you, Dean.”

“So much for not being hurt huh?” he raised his eyebrows softly, full of sarcasm that masked his pain.

“You will never get it. Never.” you shook your head, eyes casting down.

“Neither will you.” he said in a gruff voice. The both of you respectively speaking about your ever-hidden feelings for each other. “Nevermind.” he shook his head once more “You're not here for me. I'm not the one you wanted to see, anyway. Don't have to keep you busy when you can't even be around me huh?” the tight-lipped smile he gave you was so heartbreaking you could barely hold back your tears “Jack's in there, I think he'll be glad to see you. The kid's missed you. Like all of us... even if you don't.”

You couldn't help but wrap your arms around yourself once more and shake your head as you looked away from him. Avoid the topic was Dean's expertise anymore, especially when it came to your shared feelings.

He cleared his throat “Anyway-” he met your eyes this time, forcing a smile on his lips “It was still good to see you, (Y/n), and uh tell Rogers I said hi.”

Your lips parted, ready to speak but he didn't even wait a second for your response as he turned around to leave. Body stiff yet nowhere near as when he'd be angry, more like worn out as his shoulders were slumped. You gave him a weak nod even though he couldn't see you. Just like he couldn't see the tear that rolled down your cheek nor hear the words the in the end left your lips.

“I did come here for you too.”