#benjamin schwartz

[talitalitalitalita]

[sinceileftyoublog]

Roger Clark Miller Interview: Finding the Philosopher's Stone Under a Rock

Photo by Debra McLaughlin

BY JORDAN MAINZER

A punk always challenges the status quo. For singer-songwriter and multi-instrumentalist Roger Clark Miller, usurping the intellectual authority of the lauded extends beyond the ear-splitting tendencies of Mission of Burma, the legendary Boston post-punk band he co-founded in the late 70s. In fact, his long-running series of experimental "dream interpretations" albums sprouted from his pre-Burma, college kid snotty desire to topple André Breton's theories that dreams are the ultimate manifestation of surrealism and that music could never be surreal. When Miller, attending CalArts, read Breton's claims, he grabbed a journal--like any good punk would--in which to record, in detail, his nightly dreams, so that he could compose based off of the dreams' structures, from their vibes and dialogue to their scenery and topography, and make truly surrealist music. I'm not sure Miller cares anymore about proving wrong a preeminent thinker of the 20th century, but he's been making dream music for 50 years, an accomplishment in and of itself.

Miller has primarily concentrated on chamber music since the initial disbanding of Mission of Burma in 1983 (including during their almost-two-decade run of reunion albums and shows, from 2002 to 2016). Even within those comparatively traditional confines, he's found ways to turn inside out our schemas of chamber music and foster a DIY approach to music-making. Miller first explored looping on Mission of Burma's "Nu Disco", the band hiring Martin Swope as their audio engineer for performances so they could tackle the loop live. It wasn't until his solo career, though, that Miller used looping on a full album: before the technology arrived where it is now, with Maximum Electric Piano, prepared piano with loops, on 1987 album The Big Industry. He utilized a similar system on 1995's Elemental Guitar, an album that contains a couple dream interpretations in addition to a cover of Jimi Hendrix's "Are You Experienced?"

Solo Electric Guitar Ensemble; photo by Jack Fraser, alterations by Joanne Kaliontzis, Courtesy of Cuneiform Records

Fast-forward to 2018, and Miller decided to combine dream interpretations with his DIY approach and most advanced form of looping so far. Solo Electric Guitar Ensemble consists of three lap-steel guitars, two of them prepared and one tuned, and a Custom Stratocaster 6-string, along with foot pedals and a Boomerang III Looper. Such was the setup for his debut SEGE record, simply titled Eight Dream Interpretations for Solo Electric Guitar Ensemble, released on 2022 via Cuneiform. The extensive possibilities of this solo ensemble allow Miller to represent the narratives of his dreams through instrumental music; that he can pack it in a suitcase lets him travel from city to city, conveying his dreams to a wider audience.

In February, Miller shared his second SEGE record, Curiosity for Solo Electric Guitar Ensemble. 4 of its 5 tracks are dream interpretations, and ironically, the track from which the album gets its title is the only non-dream interpretation. Instead, that song employs yet another Miller-invented technique: Natural Phenomena, wherein he composes based off of the shape of entities in nature. He first used the technique on Vines for Music, written from a picture of vines on his garage in Massachusetts, for an octet to perform at the New England Conservatory. Here, Miller wrote from five photographs taken by the Curiosity Rover on Mars, following the shapes of the rocks and the differing textures of the close-up minerals and far-away mountains. Knowing the context of the songs, it's a fun exercise to compare the dream interpretations with "Curiosity on Mars". The former group exudes a sense of chaos, constant variances in mood and tempo in contrast to the consistency of the latter. Nature, after all, follows more rules than dreams do.

When I spoke with Miller over the phone in April, and asked him why he chose to include "Curiosity on Mars" on a mostly dream interpretations album, he responded that he wanted to try something new with the SEGE. What's more punk than a "fuck it" attitude? Furthermore, listening to Curiosity for Solo Electric Guitar Ensemble, I can't help but notice that a lot of its instrumentation delves into the punk-adjacent genres for which Miller is most known. "Russian Spy Canisters" juxtaposes wah wah pedal psychedelia with bluesy riffing and syncopated stabs. "I KNOW YOU"'s pulsating drone and tactile effects give way to more clear superimposed riffs that border on funk and metal. "Post-Godzilla Interrogation Dinner" probes like a pebble in your shoe before becoming metallic, wobbly, and echoing. "Aztec War Club" lurches until it goes full brute. "I'm bringing into it my experiences as a guitarist, and occasionally there are rock sounds and elements, post-punk and psychedelic," Miller said. "But it's serving a different kind of purpose. It's an interesting blend, writing a serious composition and being a rocker."

Below, read our full conversation, edited for length and clarity, in which Miller touches on the duality of his music as well as his dream patterns, process, and live shows. You can catch Solo Electric Guitar Ensemble at the Brattleboro Museum & Art Center in Brattleboro, VT on July 25th, Dromfest '25 in Catskill, NY on August 29th, in Newfane, VT on 9/6, and in October throughout the Midwest.

Curiosity for Solo Electric Guitar Ensemble album art

Since I Left You: Where did the idea for making dream-style interpretation albums come from?

Roger Clark Miller: I started using dreams to structure music in 1975. I was going to music school, and I was studying surrealism, and André Breton said music couldn't be surrealist, because it didn't give you clear enough imagery to become surrealist. [In] the Second Manifesto [of Surrealism], he also claimed that dreams were the essence of surrealism. I figured if I could use music by dreams, I would have bypassed Breton's arrogance [laughs] to make surrealist music.

I've done a lot of looping stuff, [including] my solo performance Maximum Electric Piano, specifically The Big Industry album in [1987]. I did another dream interpretations album called Elemental Guitar for SST Records in [1995]. They came out pretty good, so I thought I'd combine my excessive use of loops in Maximum Electric Piano and put all that together and use dreams again, and this time, the looping device is more elaborate, and technology has come a long way since [the 80's]. I have four guitars, three lap steels I can prepare that are on legs, and I have a strap around my neck, so I can generate a wide variety of sounds from electric guitar, all these different types of guitars and slide and stereo devices I have. It's like a chamber orchestra of solo electric guitars: a solo electric guitar ensemble.

SILY: Have you kept a dream journal since the 70's?

RCM: Yes. I had dreams I wrote down that I remembered from childhood, but I have two journals every year: a dream journal, and a real life journal. I write dreams down on a regular basis. The first dream interpretations album, [Eight Dream Interpretations for Solo Electric Guitar Ensemble,] I went through my last couple years of dreams. I didn't want to go too far back because I wanted them to be related to where I am now. I just looked through my dream journals and thought, "This one has a really good storyline," and, "I can develop that musically."

SILY: Have you found that over the years, you've become a "better" dreamer, in that you're able to have more detailed dreams that have a story to them that you can remember better?

RCM: No, and here's why. When I first started writing my dream journal down, I was like 19. I was an irresponsible young adult for a long time, including the first round with [Mission of] Burma. [But] when you have a child, your brain is a little more crowded. When you have no responsibilities, [it's easier.] In '71 or '72, I would write down 3 or 4 dreams a night that would be elaborate stories. Now, I remember 1 or 2 a night, sometimes none. They're very short, but sometimes they have a long story or feeling to them [from which] I can generate music. I haven't gotten to be a better dreamer per se. If I had no other responsibilities, I'm sure I could remember 5 dreams a night without much trouble.

SILY: Do you lucid dream?

RCM: A little bit. When you become an adult, your responsibilities become greater and the real world has more demands. I've read a bunch of books on lucid dreaming, and I find that when I make a decision [that I'm going to lucid dream,] within a week, I get one or two that are semi-lucid or quite lucid, and then, the same tricks that I use to generate those dreams don't work after a while. By the second week, I've caught up with life again, like booking a tour and making sure my gal has dinner when she works late.

SILY: Do the compositions you generate from dreams share one or two consistent qualities?

RCM: Yeah, the fact that they're structured by dreams--most people think dreams are just flowers and sunshine. In dreams, very peculiar things happen. My most developed version of it has been the Solo Electric Guitar Ensemble. Everything that happens in one of these compositions comes directly from the dream. "Russian Spy Canisters", which is the opening track from my Curiosity [for Solo Electric Guitar Ensemble] album, there's a long sequence, [and then] there's layers of fuzz tone guitar melody and the old ones disappear. That's because in the opening of the dream, I became conscious in the dream. I was in the Boston Harbor and had just swum the Atlantic from Europe to Boston. In my dream, I thought, "Wow, that's really quite an accomplishment." There's a long sequence in the beginning of the dream where I'm meandering, but in a very forward movement with my path decaying, which is what gets me to the Harbor. Then, you get to the events with the Russian spy canisters. Things start getting chopped up more.

SILY: In contrast to the Natural Phenomena technique you used on the final track, "Curiosity On Mars", when you make music inspired by dreams, are you more doing what you just described, where you're telling a story through the instrumentation, or is there a language you've made or a technique you've had for dream music, too?

RCM: The technique would be more the Solo Electric Guitar Ensemble where I've prepared altered guitars. I'm definitely following the dream exactly. When I'm at the top of a mountain looking down below, I'll hit the octave down indicating I'm way high and now looking way low. In a way, it's impressionistic, but nothing happens in this music without the dream telling it to happen.

SILY: Sometimes, musicians talk about making music inspired by a dream, and they're really just going for an abstract vibe as opposed to following a definite story.

RCM: That's totally valid, too. In this case, it's really detailed. Every single thing that happens, I might have to go back to the dream to remember, "Why did this happen at this minute, at 3:27," and I'll figure it out. On "Post-Godzilla Interrogation Dinner", there's a period where there's a low-key groove going on because I'm being interrogated by these men in black, and it's a dinner, and we're standing in line for food, and this guy goes up to me and says, "You're three years old." I say, "How old are you?" and he says, "21." I divided 21 by 3, and wrote 7 little loop changes, then a pause, 7 little loop changes, then a pause, 7 little loop changes, and then I'm back in line. That's how I translated the 21 versus 3 aspect.

SILY: Have you documented how you relate the dream to the song structure for each of these songs?

RCM: When I'm composing, I'm looking at the dream I've written down. Dreams are usually in sections. Me and a friend were going somewhere, and Godzilla was threatening two young girls, and later, they were 10-year-olds, and later, they were 5, and then interrogation. It's a very big change. The first part was more mysterious, with a gigantic Godzilla sound coming out of the guitars, and the second was low-key but tense, because I didn't know what these guys wanted from me. But I'm looking at the dream when I'm composing. When I got to the part with 3 versus 21, I thought, "How am I going to resolve this?" It's very different than when you write a rock song and think, "God, that felt cool!" It's more like a series of problems to resolve. It's an interesting way to compose.

SILY: How long does it take you to write using the Natural Phenomena technique?

RCM: It depends. In this case, there were 5 pictures taken by the Curiosity rover on Mars. I went to the website and found 5 of them I thought were cool. A couple of them, I composed differently: I composed one way, and it didn't work out very well. Sometimes, they're very quick. Sometimes, it takes longer. Natural Phenomena was [originally written] for [Vines for Music]: two violins, two cellos, and a viola, and three pianists did it with one prepared piano at the New England Conservatory. That one was gridded, like a caged grid with 7 octaves and 7 minutes, and I put the photographs over it. That took me weeks to do. [laughs] This one was more like an hour to get the basic idea and then five hours to figure out how to play it.

SILY: Do you ever find yourself in nature and looking at something and hearing it, because you're thinking, "What if I wrote off of this structure?"

RCM: I don't necessarily hear the music, but I'll think, "The structure of those clouds is amazing," so I'll make sure to have my camera with me, take a picture, and use the clouds later. That's what Vines for Music is. I took this photograph of these vines on my garage in Somerville, and thought, "That looks like I could really do something with it." It's more of a connection, and I have to figure out the instrumentation afterwards.

SILY: Nature is full of rule-based, mathematical forms. But when I was listening to "Curiosity On Mars", so many of the parts were unlike the abstract dream sequence songs. The instrumentation almost sounded like rock instrumentation. Did you, too, notice that?

RCM: It is very different because dreams have these irrational shifts that this one doesn't have as much. I will say that the first and the last movements, which are chord progressions, the first time I've ever done real chord progressions, are more impressionistic. It's a long shot of a peak or mountain in the distance. But it opened up with sounds of outer space, and the three middle sections were all tightly structured by a line in the rock that went straight up really fast, so it's a slide guitar going up really fast. There's a chunk of abstract rock that [yields] a more noisy section. These sections were very specifically following the photograph, the way the rocks were shaped and formed, while the first and last were more impressionistic looks at these mountains on Mars. It's a trip, the very fact that we're seeing these photographs.

SILY: What made you decide to use these photos? Did you, for instance, know you wanted to do rocks, then decide to use photos from NASA?

RCM: It's out of this world, you know? It's one of the tips of what humans are doing right now, going to Mars. It's one of the frontiers of human knowledge. I wrote a piece for solo cello called Rocks Music for Solo Cello, which is because it's structured by rocks, but it's also a pun because the cello player [Benjamin Schwartz] was a big fan of the Minutemen and Mission of Burma, so I gave it a more rock kind of vibe. There's all sorts of cross-pollination going on.

SILY: Are there other natural entities you want to use for the Natural Phenomena technique in the future?

RCM: There's something completely different, but there's one piece I've been working on for a long time with a big string section, about 15 minutes long. [It's] divided into three sections of different colors. The top would be white noise, the middle would pink noise, the bottom would brown noise. But the frequencies would be filtered according to a grid, constantly altering. I just haven't had the time to develop.

SILY: What made you want to include "Curiosity On Mars" with these four other tracks as part of a cohesive record?

RCM: [laughs] That's a good question. I think I wanted to do something with the Ensemble besides just purely dreams. I've used the Natural Phenomena with my chamber music and with the Conservatory. I thought, "What if I apply that to my solo electric guitar ensemble and see what happens?" It's fairly interesting. It's got a different vibe than the four dream interpretations, but it doesn't stick out like a sore thumb.

SILY: When you play live, do you take this same set-up with you?

RCM: Yes. I'm doing a Midwest tour in October. It sounds pretty much like the record. I'm doing it all live. There's nothing pre-recorded. It takes a little bit longer sometimes to get from one section to the other. Sometimes, I'll finish a thing, but I've got to change the loop, turn on and off two devices, add three devices, change my guitar, and look at the score and figure out what I'm supposed to be playing. But that's what intrigues me about it besides the music on its own: I can go out and actually perform these pieces. That's unusual.

SILY: Many folks in the experimental music realm would come up with something like this but not attempt to capture it live. They might be wanting to use it as a launching point to improvise.

RCM: That could be. I've done various sets of improvisation with different ensembles. But when I'm composing this, I'm composing it to perform it. When I'm two minutes into the piece, I'm thinking, "What do I have in my looping machine right now?" I can change the octave, make it fade out, make it go backwards, turn it off and open up a new loop. How are these things going to interact with each other? When I get going, I always have to take into consideration in the composition what I had done previously.

SILY: Do you think someone listening to the record or watching you live with no concept of the story behind it can still fully appreciate it?

RCM: Yeah. Usually, when I'm playing, I mention something about it, and I know one woman at one of my shows a couple years ago told me there was a period [of the performance] where she started to freak out. There was a scary moment in the music. She said she felt like she was tripping. This is good, to me. This music is based on the unconscious, and it's translating into their unconscious. It means I'm successful to some degree.

SILY: You've conquered Breton.

RCM: The philosopher's stone! I found it under a rock.

Photo by Jesse Kreizer

[unblissfulawareness]

[spifan]

this was an insane issue for me guys...like. bisexuality really won 🥹🥹🥹

[nwodwols]

Me, messing around in pic collage trying to figure out my type:

[chicinsilk]

US Vogue September 1987

Linda Evangelista wears Carolyne Roehm's little black “tuxedo” dress, short, petite, nude and trimmed with satin. Powder grain wool. Handbag, Carey Adina, tights, La Leg for Lanvin. Pumps, Yves Saint Laurent for Schwartz & Benjamin. Hairdressing, Christiaan; makeup, Bobbi Brown. Red Porsche 928S4, courtesy of Porsche Cars North America.

Linda Evangelista porte la petite robe noire « smoking » de Carolyne Roehm, courte, petite, nue et bordée de satin. De laine grain de poudre. Sac à main, Carey Adina, collants, La Leg pour Lanvin. Escarpins, Yves Saint Laurent pour Schwartz & Benjamin. Coiffure, Christiaan ; maquillage, Bobbi Brown. Porsche rouge 928S4, gracieuseté de Porsche Cars North America.

Photo Arthur Elgort vogue archive

[blogapart3bis]

La Mémoire du Futur (Spirou 57)

Aujourd'hui sur Blog à part – Spirou, tome 57: La Mémoire du Futur Spirou se réveille mais il n’est pas en 2022, mais en 1958! C’est ainsi que commence La Mémoire du Futur, dernier tome en date des aventures du groom. #BD #ScienceFiction

[genevieveetguy]

Nouvelle Vague, Richard Linklater (2025)

[nonensical]

[snapbookreviews]

Summer 2024 Behind-the-Scenes Reading

This summer was the summer of thesis reading.

There’s a very academic bent to this write-up, because, as I mentioned in last quarter’s write up. This was the summer of thesis reading. The write up you see before you is in no small part an extension of my thesis journaling, which was the half of my summer that wasn’t reading, meaning that even the non academic books here have been read in an academic mindset with an academic…

[kurishiri]

Premium END ┊ A faux vow to the pure white bride —Nica Schwartz—

꒰ ִ ֺ ⊹ @ notice ⊹ ֺ ִ ꒱ this translation may not be 100% accurate or contain creative liberties due to characterization or narrative flow purposes. if you enjoy, please consider reblogging, but don’t repost these or claim these as your own!

— cw: mention of drugs.

—— Nica’s POV ——

[CHURCH]

Nica: And what might this be?

I approached Benjamin, reaching into his suit to pull out a small bag——a sachet.

Kate tried to come closer too, but I stuck a hand out to stop her, opting to give an explanation of its contents.

Nica: These leaves [1] are used to treat pain and insomnia. Something you could easily get at a pharmacy.

N: That said, inhaling it can bring about a sense of euphoria, making you feel like you’re floating and ridding the pain.

N: It’s very addictive, so inhaling too much can drive you crazy, you know.

Benjamin: Wh— hand that over!

In a panic, Benjamin tried to snatch it back, but I sidestepped him.

I threw the sachet around that area, turning toward the group.

Nica: Was it fun for you, driving those kids insane with these leaves?

Yesterday, when we met him, there was something off about the girls who approached him.

They were children who would get up close to Benjamin, almost spellbound,

saying things like “I can’t wait” or “give some to me.”

(If he were Cursed, I’d think he’d likely have the ability to brainwash others.)

But one whiff of that smell was enough for me to connect the dots.

Maybe the realization hit Kate as well, because her eyes wavered as I nodded her way.

Nica: It’s as you think. He isn’t Cursed at all.

N: He’s just a trash bastard who toys around with kids.

They started to stir up at this as I explained to Kate in a way that would be easy to grasp.

Nica: And the orphanage that took care of the kids of couples who got wedded at Tiamo?

N: It was there you would preach it was ‘treatment’ to use drugs on children and exploit them, enjoying it all the while.

N: And be it man or woman, when night fell you-know-what would go on at the orphanage, am I right?

Legal drugs, young children, addiction, nighttime——and exploitation.

Indeed, it was so filthy I didn’t even want to imagine it.

Nica: I couldn’t sleep yesterday, so I took a stroll around the area, and that’s when I happened upon it.

N: The place where kids who were considered a defect were eliminated.

Kate: ...!

Laughing out of spite, Kate lost her words upon hearing that.

(Well, can’t blame her, can I. She may have seen loads of unfortunate places as a fairytale keeper, but in the end she’s also just a normal girl.)

Kate stood still where she was, her fingers trembling.

(So she gets mad when kids she doesn’t even know get eliminated, huh. What kindness to behold.)

These kinds of things happened all the time, no matter the place.

(But, maybe I’m also no exception.)

As memories I couldn’t forget wandered in my mind, I narrowed my eyes in displeasure when I saw the pastor point a gun our way.

But it was not aimed at me, but rather Kate.

Nica: Wh— Kate!

In the spur of the moment I rushed in front of her, pulling her into a hug as though to cover her.

Our bodies reeled with the shock,

and red blood flew onto the pure white dress.

At the same time a gunshot rang out, we stumbled onto the seat’s shadow, still hugging her.

Kate: Nica!

Nica: Whatever you do, don’t show yourself.

I stood up the next moment, holding Kate with one arm and hiding her body while I retaliated with my gun.

Tiamo’s pastor: Now that he knows, he may not leave here alive! Kill him!

(Urgh, oww...looks like he grazed my arm.)

Luckily, a scratch to my left arm was the only thing that bullet managed to do.

That said, my aim was blurred from the pain, and I killed them off, bearing frustration I couldn’t suppress.

The pastor, Benjamin, and the women who escorted us yesterday.

All around me was full of perpetrators——and all of it left me nauseous.

Nica: And that’s that.

The final shot was to the worker’s head.

With that, I put my gun back in its holster, and sparing a glance at the church — now in a sea of blood — I leaned on the back of the chair.

Nica: Ugh, I’m exhausted. I’ll go ask Dari to clean this mess up when we get back.

N: Ah, are you okay, Spatzi? You’re not hurt anywhere, are you?

Kate looked my way, wearing an expression so pained I wouldn’t be surprised if she started crying.

Kate: Um...

(There’s the face saying ‘you go first.’)

I purposely kept my tone indifferent, trying to lighten the atmosphere,

and Kate ripped off the hem of her dress.

(Woah there, now that’s unexpected.)

Nica: You finally got to wear a wedding dress, but now you’re ripping it? (O_O)

She used the fabric to stop the bleeding on my arm.

Kate: Do you think I’d want to wear this in our current state?

Nica: Touché, I would probably hate getting married while covered in blood too.

I poked my index finger at the wrinkle formed between my brows.

Nica: Why make that face? If I said it to you earlier, you would’ve gone running straight to the children to help them, wouldn’t you.

N: But my job was only to investigate Benjamin. All else is outside the scope.

N: So if anything happened to you then, I wouldn’t be able to protect you. That’s why I purposely kept it to myself.

If I had spoken about it sooner, I bet Kate would have gone off on her own to try to save the children.

But, there wasn’t much she could do on her own.

(And there’s no need to go out the way raising the chances of her meeting the same fate as those kids.)

Kate: Then why did you kill all these people?

That very question seemed to see through the true feelings I had kept concealed.

Nica: ...I got frustrated, so I killed them. That’s all there is to it.

I averted my eyes, pulling her arm as we stood.

Nica: Well, now that we’re finished here, let’s head back.

Kate didn’t say a word as she stood, and together we turned around and started walking.

As a change of pace from the heavy atmosphere, I asked an aimless question.

Nica: Say, do you have any marriage prospects?

Kate: Not in particular, I suppose... That said, if such a time were to come, I would want to be able to have a wonderful ceremony where we can properly exchange vows of love.

Nica: Hmm.

I stopped at those words.

(Eternal love, vows to a lifetime as spouses, a happy life.)

None of those existed in my life——and neither would they in the future.

Nica: For me, I don’t think I can make those vows. No matter how much I adore or love someone... I could never.

I turned around, looking down at Kate and pointing at the blood that had splattered on the dress.

(When I saw her in pure white, I didn’t think much other than, ‘Nice that she got to wear it.’)

But now, with the dress dirtied with my blood, I felt glad that it was no longer a pure white.

Nica: Pure white should be reserved for the day you hold dear. For someone—anyone, other than me.

For Kate, she should wear that pure white while standing by someone who can give her happiness.

(And that ‘someone’ is most definitely not me.)

While a feeling I couldn’t exactly put into words bubbled up, Kate’s expression before me seemed sad.

(...What a fool.)

You know you shouldn’t choose me. You do know I can’t make you happy, right?

Those words remained stuck in my throat though, and in an attempt to hide that, I hugged her.

Nica: ...But from the face you’re making, it’s like you’re saying you’d be fine with me too.

Kate: I...that...

(If only you could tell me upfront ‘that’s not true.’)

The fact my hold around her back tightened was proof that — ever so slightly — my heart ended up swaying.

Nica: If you’re fine with it, I’ll stay with you.

[BLACK]

Nica: That said, I can’t promise you happiness.

Fin

masterlist 🍒 ┊ ko-fi ☕️ ┊ comms 🤍

prev. ⋮ epi. ⋮ bit.

NOTES:

[1] They probably mean cannabis or marijuana. The word here is [葉っぱ] (happa), which means leaf, but is also slang for cannabis, the same way “weed” emerged as slang in English. I’m assuming “weed” does parallel with the use of [葉っぱ] as slang, but such slang emerged in the 1900s, which would’ve been before the time the story takes place, so I’m just using “leaves” here.

[spifan]

why he 🥸☝️

[nwodwols]

My brain all day long.

[nightghoul381]

A False Promise to the Pure White Bride

Nica Schwartz ~ Premium End (Nica's POV)

This a fan translation so it is definitely not 100% accurate. I do not own anything related to Ikemen Villains. Support Cybird by buying their amazing stories!

CW: Mentions of child abuse/exploitation and drugs

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Premium End | Epilogue

Nica: “What is this?”

I approached Benjamin, reached into his clothes and pulled out a small bag—a sachet.

As Kate approached due to the unique aroma, I held her back with my hand and explained the contents to her.

Nica: “This is a leaf used to treat pain and insomnia. It’s a medicine that you can buy at the pharmacy.”

Nica: “If you smoke it, it brings on a feeling of euphoria, eases your sense of pain, and makes you feel light-hearted.”

Nica: “It’s highly addictive, so if you smoke too much it will make you crazy.”

Benjamin: “Give that back!”

I dodged Benjamin, who was trying to grab it from me in a panic.

I tossed the sachet to the side and turned my gaze to them.

Nica: “Did you have fun using these leaves on the kids to drive them crazy?”

When I met him yesterday, some girls approached him that looked strange.

One approached Benjamin with a dreamy look on her face.

The children were saying things like ‘give it to me’ and ‘I can’t wait’.

(If he were cursed, it may have been a brainwashing ability.)

But it was the smell that brought it all together.

Kate’s eyes were shaking, so she must have understood, so I slowly nodded.

Nica: “Yeah, he’s not cursed.”

Nica: “He’s just a scumbag who used drugs on children.”

Ignoring the group that was starting to get riled up, I explained things to Kate in a way that was easy to understand.

Nica: “A childcare facility for children born to couples wed at Tiamo.”

Nica: “That’s where they drugged the children, under the guise of medicine, and exploited them while enjoying watching them go crazy.”

Nica: “That’s why both men and women went to the childcare facility at night.”

It was the kind of thing so disgusting that you wouldn’t even want to imagine.

Nica: “I couldn’t sleep last night, so I was walking around the facility and that’s when I saw it.”

Nica: “They were ‘disposing’ of some kids who had become disabled.”

Kate: “!!”

I spat out a laugh and the words I spoke left the woman beside me speechless.

(It’s true, no matter how many brutal scenes she’s witnessed as Fairytale Keeper, she’s still a normal person at heart.)

Kate stood there, her fingers trembling.

(She’s angry because children she doesn’t know are being exploited. How kind.)

This was a common story that happened everywhere.

(But, I guess I’m disgusting too.)

An unforgettable memory ran through my mind and as I narrowed my eyes in discomfort, I realized the pastor was pointing a gun.

The gun was pointed not at me, but at Kate.

Nica: “Kate!”

I quickly stepped in front of her and embraced her protectively.

Our bodies tilted at the impact.

Red blood splattered on her pure white dress.

As the gunshot rang out, I stumbled behind a pew, still holding onto Kate’s body.

Kate: “Nica!”

Nica: “Don't show your face.”

I quickly got up, held Kate in one arm, hid myself, and fired back with my own gun.

Chaplain of Tiamo: “Now that they know, we can’t let them leave alive! Kill them!”

(Ouch… my arm was grazed.)

Fortunately, the bullet had only grazed my left arm.

However, the pain caused my aim to waver, and I killed them with uncontrollable frustration.

The pastor, Benjamin, and the female staff member who showed us around yesterday.

Being in a space filled with perpetrators, every single one of them—it made me nauseous.

Nica: “This is it.”

The final shot hit the employee in the head.

I put my gun back in its holster, took one last look at the church, which had turned into a sea of blood, and leaned back against the pew.

Nica: “Haah, I’m tired. I’ll have Dari take care of this when I get back.”

Nica: “Ah, robin are you okay? Did you get hurt?”

She looked so distressed as she stared at me that I thought she might cry.

Kate: “…”

(That face tells me I should speak first.)

Seeing me trying to brighten up the atmosphere by speaking in a carefree voice,

Suddenly, Kate ripped the bottom of her dress.

(Woah, that was unexpected.)

Nice: “That was such a nice dress, why did you tear it?”

She used the fabric to stop the bleeding on my arm.

Kate: “I wouldn’t be happy to wear the dress in this situation.”

Nica: ‘Well, I wouldn’t want a bloody wedding either.”

Her brow was furrowed and I poked the wrinkles with my index finger.

Nica: “Don’t look at me like that. If I had told you, you’d want to first to go and help the children.”

Nica: “But my job was to investigate Benjamin, and nothing else.”

Nica: “I didn’t bother to tell you because if something were to happen to you, I wouldn’t be able to protect you.”

If I told her earlier, Kate would have tried to save at least one of the children.

However, her power alone was limited.

(There’s no need to increase your chances of suffering the same fate as those kids.)

Kate: “Then why did you kill these people?”

The question made me feel like my hidden feelings had been seen through.

Nica: “…I killed them because I was angry. There was no point to it.”

I looked away and pulled her arm to help her stand.

Nica: “Our business is over, so let’s go home quickly.”

Without a word, she stood up and we started walking without looking back.

In order to ease the heavy atmosphere, I casually asked a question.

Nica: “By the way, what do you want for your wedding?”

Kate: “Nothing in particular… But, when the time comes, I’d like a beautiful ceremony where we can properly pledge our love to each other.”

Nica: “Hmm.”

Those words made me stop in my tracks.

(Eternal love, a lifelong commitment, a happy life.)

It didn’t exist in my life—it was a future I didn’t want to exist.

Nica: “I can’t promise that. No matter how much I love and adore you… never.”

I turned around, looked down at Kate, and pointed to the blood splattered on her dress.

(When I saw her in all white, I just thought it was great that she was able to wear it.)

Now, I was glad that the dress was stained with my blood and was no longer pure white.

Nica: “Save the pure white for a special occasion. Not for me, but for someone else.”

Kate should wear pure white next to the person who makes her happy.

(I’m sure that person isn’t me.)

An indescribable emotion welled up inside me, and at the same time, the woman in front of me looked sad.

(…you’re such an idiot.)

You shouldn’t choose me; I can’t make you happy.

Those words were about to come out of my throat, but I hugged her to cover them up.

Nica: “…With that face, it’s like you’re saying I’m the one.”

Kate: “That wouldn’t be possible…”

(I wish you’d just tell me straight out that that’s not the case.)

The fact that my arms tightened around her back was proof that my heart was wavering, just a little.

Nica: “If it’s okay with you, then let’s stay together.”

Nica: “I can’t guarantee you’ll be happy though.”

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Premium End | Epilogue

[battyaboutbooksreviews]

🌈 Queer Books Coming Out in October 2024 🌈

🌈 Good afternoon, my bookish bats! Here are a FEW of the stunning, diverse queer books you can add to your TBR before the year is over. Happy reading!

❓What was the last queer book you read?

[ Release dates may have changed. List below! ]

❤️ Back in the Hunt - K. Sterling 🧡 The Connoisseur's Christmas Courtship - L.M. Bennett 💛 Shoestring Theory - Mariana Costa 💚 The Black Hunger - Nicholas Pullen 💙 Wild Fire - Radclyffe 💜 Because Fat Girl - Lauren Marie Fleming ❤️ The Ace and Aro Relationship Guide - Cody Daigle-Orians ��� Soul Survivors - River Kai 💛 Stolen Hearts - Michele Castleman 💙 Reverence - Milena McKay 💜 Love Immortal - Kit Vincent

❤️ Take a Sad Song - Ona Gritz 🧡 Showmance - Chad Beguelin 💛 Redundancies & Potentials - Dominique Dickey 💚 Alexander - Karla Nikole 💙 Rest in Peaches - Alex Brown 💜 Rise of the Wrecking Crew - Kalynn Bayron ❤️ Language Lessons - Sage Donnell 🧡 Legend of the White Snake - Sher Lee 💛 Sorcery and Small Magis - Maiga Doocy 💙 Cried Out - Kate Hawthorne 💜 Skysong - C.A. Wright 🌈 No Rules Tonight - Kim Hyun Sook, Ryan Estrada

❤️ My Mother's Ridiculous Rules for Dating - Philip William Stover 🧡 I Shall Never Fall in Love - Hari Conner 💛 Castle Swimmer - Wendy Martin 🧡 The Hollow and the Haunted - Camilla Raines 💙 How Does That Make You Feel, Magda Eklund? - Anna Montague 💜 The Arizona Triangle - Sydney Graves ❤️ Every Rule Undone - Nancy S.M. Waldman 🧡 Mister Nice - Jamie Jennings 💛 Under the Mistletoe with You - Lizzie Huxley-Jones 💙 How to Fall in Love in a Time of Unnameable Disaster - Muriel Leung 💜 The Snowball Effect - Haley Cass 🌈 This Will Be Fun - E.B. Asher

❤️ Our Evenings - Alan Hollinghurst 🧡 Don't Let the Forest In - C.G. Drews 💛 Finding Delaware - Bree Wiley 💚 The Reeds - Arjun Basu 💙 The Bloodless Princes - Charlotte Bond 💜 Women's Hotel - Daniel M. Lavery ❤️ Alex McKenna and the Academy of Souls - Vicki-Ann Bush 🧡 A Vile Season - David Ferraro 💛 Synchronicity - J.J. Hale 💙 Writ of Love - Cassidy Crane 💜 Di-Curious - Erin Branch 🌈 Swordcrossed - Freya Marske

❤️ Stand Up! - Tori Sharp 🧡 Haunt Me, Baby - Rose Santoriello 💚 Planet Drag: Uncover the Global Herstory - Various 💙 Until We Shatter - Kate Dylan 💜 Metal from Heaven - August Clarke ❤️ Vicious Fates and Vast Futures - Tilly Bramley 🧡 The Daughter of Danray - Natalia Hernandez 💛 If I Stopped Haunting You - Colby Wilkens 💙 The Darkness Behind The Door - Mira Gonzalez 💜 Hunt Monsters, Do Magic, and Fall in Love - A.M. Weald 🌈 Jasmine Is Haunted - Mark Oshiro

❤️ Model Home - Rivers Solomon 🧡 Haunting Melody - Chloe Spencer 💛 The Door in Lake Mallion - S.M. Beiko 💚 The City in Glass - Nghi Vo 💙 Fang Fiction - Kate Stayman-London 💜 The Merriest Misters - Timothy Janovsky ❤️ Make the Season Bright - Ashley Herring Blake 🧡 My Kind of Trouble - L.A. Schwartz 💛 To Become A Flower - CEON 💙 What Was Lost - Melissa Connelly 💜 The Forbidden Book - Sacha Lamb 🌈 This Dark Paradise - Erin Luken

❤️ The Sound of Storms - Anya Keeler 🧡 Country Queers - Rae Garringer 💛 A Spell for Heartsickness - Alistair Reeves 💚 The Stars Inside Us - Kristy Gardner 💙 October's Ocean - Delaine Coppock 💜 Haunt Your Heart Out - Amber Roberts ❤️ The Dark Becomes Her - Judy I. Lin 🧡 Power Pose - Emily Silver 💛 The Magic You Make - Jason June 💙 House of Elephants - Claribel A. Ortega 💜 Tegan and Sara: Crush - Tegan Quin, Sara Quin, Tillie Walden 🌈 The Brightness Between Us - Eliot Schrefer

❤️ The Spring before Obergefell - Benjamin S. Grossberg 🧡 Pray For Him - Tyler Battaglia 💛 Coup de Grâce - Sofia Ajram 💚 Coal Gets In Your Veins - Cat Rector 💙 He Who Bleeds - Dorian Valentine 💜 The Revenge of Captain Vessia - Leslie Allen ❤️ Camelot's Tower - Brooke Matthews 🧡 The Manor - Tiffany E. Taylor 💛 Arcanum - Ashlyn Drewek 💙 Strange Beasts - Susan J. Morris 💜 On Vicious Worlds - Bethany Jacobs 🌈 Death Song - B. Ripley

❤️ Best Hex Ever - Nadia El-Fassi 🧡 I'll Be Gone for Christmas - Georgia K. Boone 💛 Make My Wish Come True - Rachael Lippincott, Alyson Derrick 💚 Gentlest of Wild Things - Sarah Underwood 💙 Troth - E.H. Lupton 💜 Solis - Paola Mendoza & Abby Sher ❤️ Lucy, Uncensored - Mel Hammond, Teghan Hammond 🧡 Mama - Nikkya Hargrove 💛 Under All the Lights - Maya Ameyaw 💙 Reclaimed - Seth Haddon 💜 The Devil's Dilemma - Alex J. Adams 🌈 The Jovian Madrigals - Janneke de Beer

❤️ Blood Price - Nicole Evans 🧡 Worship Me - K.C. Blume 💛 All the Hearts You Eat - Hailey Piper 💚 The Nightmare Before Kissmas - Sara Raasch 💙 Rogue Community College - David R. Slayton 💜 Mistress of Hours - Emma Elizabeth ❤️ The Dog Trainer's Secret - Sav Uong 🧡 Most Wonderful - Georgia Clark 💛 Antenora - Dori Lumpkin 💙 House of Frank - Kay Synclaire 💜 Sir Callie and the Witch's War - Esme Symes-Smith 🌈 Prince of Fortune - Lisa Tirreno

[chicinsilk]

US Vogue October 1983

Laetitia Firmin-Didot wears a blue-purple wool jacket, trimmed in black, black velvet lapels over a shadow-spotted silk jacquard blouse, held in place by a jeweled clasp. Pleated front pants, loose from hip to knee, up to the ankle. In anthracite wool. (Gandini wool). The whole, by Emanuel Ungaro Black pumps with straps, Ungaro for Schwartz & Benjamin. Hair, Garren, makeup, Tyen.

Laetitia Firmin-Didot porte une veste en laine bleu-violet, bordée de noir, revers en velours noir sur une blouse en jacquard de soie tachetée d'ombre, retenue par une agrafe bijou. Pantalon plissé devant, ample de la hanche au genou, jusqu'à la cheville. En laine anthracite. (laine Gandini). L'ensemble, par Emanuel Ungaro Escarpins noirs à brides, Ungaro pour Schwartz & Benjamin. Coiffure, Garren, maquillage, Tyen.

Photo Irving Penn vogue archive