#but idk if this is allowed. what if the surgery is outside of visiting hours

[tkbrokkoli]

cant fall asleep it's almost 4 am and i keep worrying abt what to do w my phone, headphones, laptop etc at the hospital to prevent them from being stolen. the hospital has a small safe (how small???) that probably can't fit these things so what am i supposed to do w them??? also even if i can put some of my stuff in the safe they said i have to take care of the key by myself like what???? i have to hide it? me???? i will be in surgery! i thought abt taping it to the bottom of my water bottle bc no one would steal a water bottle right. cant think of any other inconspicuous item rn. why does it have to be like this

[ms-demeanor]

IDK that I've ever put it in one post before, but here's the transplant speedrun.

1 - Valentines day 2021, he's admitted to the hospital. We take a pre-hospital selfie then I shave his head and he shaves his beard because he doesn't want to deal with hair at the hospital. Me and his mom drop him off; at that point you can only visit someone as they are actually dying and we're told that he's going to stay in the hospital until he gets a transplant or he dies, and if he's rejected as a transplant recipient he'll receive palliative care in this hospital.

2 - First week of March, they allow patients to have one screened visitor; this is our first visit - I take photos in the hospital to show his mom because at this point he has a pump in his shoulder and it is difficult for him to move his arms to use his phone. He has also been confined to a bed since the week he arrived because he's on the ECMO machine, so he can't walk or move around, though they stand him up every once in a while. At one point one of the ecmo tubes pulls out of his femoral artery, which is Not! Great! He also needed a blood transfusion about every two days at that point, which worried the doctors because it increased his likelihood of rejecting. But he had been approved for transplant at that point!

The first thing he said to me on this visit was "look, I have abs" and then he showed me his abs because it turns out when you're really really dying of heart failure your body begins to eat itself.

3 - Now That's What I Call Jaundice (cardiac cirrhosis is liver failure as a result of heart failure and it's pretty much the big giant neon flashing sign of heart failure that says "hey you're fucking dying" so if you've got heart failure and your bilirubin number is off or the whites of your eyes are yellow please kick up a gigantic stink until they check your liver; large bastard's GP, who is my doctor, who I hate, saw his bloodwork with a very high bilirubin number a month before he was diagnosed with cardiac cirrhosis and wrote it off as a testing fluke fuck that guy)

4 - Don't let the sad face fool you, he's acting pathetic so that his mom will stop yelling about the fact that I'm bringing him cookies. He's allowed to have cookies. At that point he weighed 98kg and was outsourcing his heartbeat, he was allowed to eat whatever he wanted. (have i mentioned that I was moving us from Vegas to LA at this time? I was bringing him cookies because I'd baked hundreds of peanut butter cookies and other cookies to use up the flour, sugar, and peanut butter in the vegas house)

5 - Mid-march, he's got a match! He called me when I was in Vegas filling up the truck with another load and I drove right back and to the hospital. Once he went in for surgery I drove to his mom's house and crashed, then woke up and drove to our storage unit and unpacked the truck while I waited to hear from the doctors. I was unloading a bookcase when I got the call. (There wasn't any point in waiting alone in the hospital for sixteen hours; either he was going to make it or he wasn't and someone was going to have to unload the truck at some point. People have been weird about this, like I should have been sitting at his side all the time, but there was a two-hour daily limit for most visits and look i have sat in a waiting room while this dude had a thirteen hour surgery i do not need a repeat of that experience without the soothing balm of nicotine getting me through it; so unloading a truck it was)

6 - Two days after surgery and kind of mad about it. His chest hurt a lot (obviously) but, like, a lot a lot because they'd had to open him up for the bypass just two years earlier.

7 - First walk outside of his room after transplant in early April; he needed a LOT of PT because of how much muscle he'd lost. He lost sixty pounds in the hospital before the surgery, and only gained back about twenty while he was in there.

8 - A visit from the tiny doggo

9 - I come to visit and I've got a new phone with a portrait mode so he steals it and takes stupid pictures for a few minutes. Dude is bored and restless; this is in late april and he's feeling well enough to be moody. ETA: There is a jar of pickles in front of him because he'd been fluid limited for a long time and his salt levels were off and when he got to the hospital they were like "you need electrolytes and a lot of salt" and he was like "sweetheart can you please please please bring me delicious salty things" so I was bringing him jars of pickled mushrooms and garlic stuffed olives and just a huge number of pickles that he kept trying to share with the nurses. "Alli brought the mushrooms again; would you like a pickled mushroom? I have fancy toothpicks to share them with!"

10 - He comes home for the first time in early May; he ends up getting readmitted two more times because of complications before finally being released in early July. ETA: The second time he got readmitted it was for something that he wasn't at all worried about but that they needed to monitor for a couple weeks so he was *SO BORED* and actually feeling pretty okay; so at one point when I was leaving the parking garage at 8pm my car wouldn't start, I did some troubleshooting with the manual and the internet and didn't figure it out, so I called him and he tried to troubleshoot over the phone and got frustrated and was begging his nurses to let him come out to the parking structure to work on my car (they refused) - I ended up getting a tow and fixing it when I replaced the battery terminals.

Photos are all posted with his permission.

Also I dyed my hair purple between photos one and two because it's his favorite color. I also bought a blue dress, red tights, and yellow shoes to wear to visit him because he always teases me for wearing so much black.

I just love him a lot. It was a hard couple years there, but things are getting better.

[doberbutts]

Idk if you are open to looking so immediately but Fenris and I go to Fearless in New Jersey and there's a Fernando Dosta seminar starting today and rolling into Monday or Tuesday. I'm heading there after work today to have him work Fenris tomorrow thru Sunday, so if you want to audit then you can come and watch and hang out and see if the vibe works for you. And meet the curly boy too. I find Fearless to be very friendly to the marginalized among us- the whole club is built on inclusion, and we have a grand time supporting each other. There's some playful ribbing between members (like for instance another queer member and I were teasing each other about our carabiner of keys hooked to our belts, or me teasing a black member about being ashy when he asked me for lotion and him teasing me back bc I did in fact have lotion on me) but it is in friendship and in jest, no deliberate cruelty is allowed.

Many clubs do require you to be sponsored to join, but unless stated otherwise most will allow auditors to come and watch and even some outsiders to come play and see if they like it. So don't be put off by the sponsorship thing unless you are actively looking to join rather than just get a taste.

There's Big Apple in NY, West Penn in PA, and Genesis in CT as well- I have not been to any of them and part of that is because of some things I have heard regarding the work they do with off breeds. Although dobes are a protection breed, they are considered an off breed in mondio and I am a bit unwilling to put my dog on a decoy rumored to dislike the breed. Mondio is pretty expensive, so I don't want to spend the money on training that will set us back instead of progressing us forward. Some of these clubs also didn't get back to me when I reached out two years ago, so instead of going to clubs much more local, I drive the 4+ hours to Southern NJ. I also happen to know the president as a friend, so I already sort of had an in.

I'm curious what club had poor behavior. But I understand if you don't want the drama in sharing. I know that at my club, sometimes heavy topics do come up, but even those across the political spectrum tend to agree where it counts as far as the golden rules of "don't be a jerk to other people" and "everyone deserves a fair shake". I had a really long discussion about race politics with a visiting black self-labelled conservative this spring and he was more in agreement of liberal politics than not (I find this typical of the more sensible black conservatives- most are center-right instead of far-right and willing to toe into center-left based on the policy), many are gun owners but support common sense gun laws and want action taken to prevent mass shootings, all of the men are vocally pro-choice, etc.

Disability specifically hasn't come up in a meaningful way but the training director and the secretary both work for Seeing Eye and a few other members have pretty serious mental illness they've occasionally brought up in conversation and everyone's been pretty chill about it. I mentioned that I have a heart problem and needed to sit bc I was starting to feel faint in the heat and was immediately offered a chair. And when I mentioned that whenever I do manage to get surgery I won't be able to hold Fenris' leash for two months, several members immediately offered to hold the leash for me so that I could continue to train during my recovery. So I wouldn't have reason to think it wouldn't be a good fit with disability.

I'm sure this has been talked about but I cannot remember who talked about it to go looking for it. So anyone who has or does participate in bite sports, this question is for you.

What things do you look for in assessing if a club is a good fit for you? I am looking into Mondio clubs for a potential/future puppy. (And for anyone wondering, no I do not plan to introduce this sport to Forte.)

I visited one relatively close (less than two hours away) to me last summer and liked the head trainer/decoy. I found them to be very knowledgeable, personable, and they work with some folks who have dogs from Forte's breeder. Unfortunately I did not enjoy the vibe from the group who was there that day. I am both disabled and queer and those topics came up, unprompted by me, and I wasn't thrilled with the direction said conversations took.

There is another club that is about two to three hours away that I really like based on their website and am heavily considering asking to hang out and watch for a day. But also I'm nervous asking because they talk about being sponsored by a current member and I don't know anyone.

And of course, I am second guessing myself on whether or not I'm being too sensitive and should give the first club another try. Since there seems to be less of a barrier to entry.

So yeah, words from those with first hand experience on how they chose their club would be super helpful.

I am open to clubs in NJ, NY, PA, or even MD. If folks are familiar with clubs in those areas that they personally recommend, that would be awesome too.

Thoughts welcome on this post or via private message. Much thanks y'all.

[wkemeup]

The Witness (10)

series summary: After witnessing a Hydra hit and the handsome, borderline endearing cop who had become a regular at your bar takes it upon himself to ensure your safety off the books, you learn to rely on someone else for a change and find you don’t mind it at all. Not when it’s him.

pairing: detective!bucky x reader

word count: 9k

warnings: little bit of angst, little bit of fluff, little bit of violence 

author’s note: I almost split this one into two chapters too, but ugh idk i didn’t want to disrupt the flow of the storyline and i have zero capacity to write short fics im sorry 

series masterlist // previous chapter

An hour had passed without word from the surgeons beyond the double doors at the end of the hall. The nurse Sam had been bothering finally agreed to come look at you, though when she laid eyes on the light red stains upon your hands and the knife wound along your cheek, she perked up immediately, calling for another nurse as she passed by. She had chastised Sam for not telling her the state of your condition and he all but threw a silent tantrum behind her as she spoke to you, causing you to bit on your lip to suppress a laugh.

A nurse by the name of Sharon knelt in front of you, her blonde hair curled in gentle waves over her shoulder and a sweet look in her eye as she gestured for your hands. You set them in her palms, appreciating that she hadn’t bothered to ask you to follow her to an exam room. Steve sat next to you the whole time, his knee touching yours ever so slightly, but enough to keep you grounded. Sam slumped into a chair across from you as the older nurse returned to the desk, grumbling under her breath and sending a glaring look in Sam’s direction.

Sharon reached over for a cart on Steve’s left and he helped her swing it around. From the bottom drawer she pulled out a series of white clothes and a bottle filled with a clear liquid. She sprayed some onto the wipes and offered you an encouraging smile.

“This may be a little cold but it’ll get the dried blood off your skin,” she said softly, watching you for recognition before she began to run the cloth along your arms. You flinched at first, surprised by the coolness of the damp wipe, but you settled quickly. Sharon was as gentle as she could be, pressing a little harder when a patch of dried blood didn’t want to wipe away on its own. It stuck in the hair of your arms and cracks in your knuckles.

Once she was finished, she threw the red stained rags into the disposal bin on the side of the cart. Then she pulled out a new set of bandages and began wrapping the burns on your wrist without another word. There was some kind of cooling gel underneath that made the ache in your wrists a little less noticeable. She affixed the clips on the ends of the bandage, securing them with just enough pressure to protect it while giving it room to breathe.

Then, she took a seat next to you, dragging the cart closer as she pulled out a cotton swab and dipped it into the clear bottle she had used on your arms.

“This may sting,” she warned, holding it up against your face. You nodded and you felt Steve’s hand sitting over yours. You turn your palm and let him grab your hand. You squeezed it and Sharon pressed it to the cut. It left a burning sensation behind as she cleaned the wound and you clenched your jaw. She muttered an apology under her breath as she continued to work. It was over quicker than you anticipated. Steve released your hand.

“Good news is it won’t need stitches,” Sharon smiled at you, disposing of the swab. “I’m just going to put some surgical glue on and you’ll be all set.”

The glue didn’t sting the way the clear liquid had and it was over before you had time to wince at the tingling sensation of it. When she was finished, she set the materials back on the cart and set her eyes on Sam.

“You know you’re still in trouble for running out on us,” she smirked, folding her arms over her chest. Despite her light pink scrubs and the teddy bear sticker adhered to her ID badge, she had an intimidating aurora you didn’t want to be on the receiving end of, even if it was in jest. Sam sunk further into his chair, grimacing.

“Sorry about that,” Sam apologized weakly, eyeing Steve for support who only shrugged and looked away.

“I suppose if your stitches held together in your escape, you should be fine,” Sharon conceded, though there was a laugh on the end of her words. She set a hand on your shoulder, squeezing it lightly. “I know you’re waiting on news about the officers down in surgery. I’ll do my best to get an update for you.”

You exhaled, a moment of relief as you nodded. “Thank you.”

She smiled sweetly before she turned towards Sam with a teasing glare and jogged down the hall and through the double doors.

“You’ve gotta stop pissing off the nurses, Sam,” Steve laughed.

Sam shook his head, grumbling under his breath, “they started it.”

***

Sharon came back twenty minutes later. Nat was out of the OR and in the ICU until further notice, and no—you couldn’t see her just yet. Peter was still in surgery and they had successfully removed the metal chunk in his leg, though they ran into a few close calls. Plastics had taken the lead to start removing the burned skin while General closed up his leg. No end in sight for now.

Dr. Palmer was currently working on Bucky down in OR 7. Everything was going smoothly so far, but they were spending more time than expected on the stab wound in his stomach due to the serrated edges of the knife having ripped his skin and internal organs to shreds. It was apparently a miracle he survived long enough to get into the OR in the first place. You winced as Sharon told you so and she immediately bit down on her lip, having realized the way it came out. She went on to inform you that the cuts along Bucky’s left shoulder were proving difficult to stitch up. The scars it would leave behind would be unavoidable.

You nodded as she spoke, trying to breathe through the anxiety tingling in your skin.

An hour later, you met Steve’s wife, Peggy. She had come storming through the elevator doors, heels clicking on the tile flooring as she rushed to Steve. A million questions a minute rambling from behind bright red lipstick and a thick English accent, she started to direct her attention to the nurses when Steve couldn’t get the answers out fast enough. The older nurse who had become rivals with Sam was happy to update her.

After several minutes, Peggy fell down in the chair next to Sam with a huff. She blew a dark brunette curl from falling into her face. Then, her eyes fell on you and a smile so wide lit up her features. She quickly moved to the chair beside you, grinning ear to ear.

She told you how much she had been hearing about you from Steve – your name redacted until now to preserve your identity, of course – and from Bucky as well in their weekly Sunday night dinners. You smiled at that, thinking of Bucky spending his Sunday evenings with a married couple, sharing a meal, probably watching a movie and having a decent liquor for once. It was the kind of normalcy you didn’t have growing up.

“I’m so happy he found you,” Peggy concluded after a long ramble about Bucky’s apparently uneventful romantic history outside of the ‘ghastly’ woman named Dolores who had broken his heart a few years prior.

“Not sure he’d say that right about now,” you sighed, eyes glancing down towards the double doors. “Meeting me brought him a lot of trouble.”

“Maybe he needed a little more excitement in his life,” Peggy shrugged, her hand snaking into yours. Soft skin brushing gently over the dried cracks on the back of your hand. Red nail polish against paled skin.

“He lost a lot of blood. You didn’t see him, Peggy. He might not make it,” you whispered, finding yourself slumping down to lean against her shoulder. Peggy nodded, bringing your intertwined hand into her lap.

“He’s stronger than he looks... and he looks pretty strong,” she reminded you softly, an airy laugh in her voice. “He’s got something to fight for out here. If I know anything about that man, it’s that he’s about as stubborn as his best friend and he won’t let you go for anything.”

***

Sharon came by twice more with updates and you had lost track of time. The sun had risen enough to fill the waiting area with a glow of light through the windows. Sam was hiding from it beneath his jacket draped over his face as he curled up against the wall. These chairs didn’t allow for comfortable sleep, but it seemed like he was doing just fine. His light snoring was evident of that, at least.

Peggy and Steve were talking quietly with one another; everything from what was on the grocery list for the week to when they’ll find time to visit England to see her parents. Peggy led the conversations, asking the questions. She must have known that Steve needed a sense of normalcy. Even a police captain had best friends he was terrified of losing. It was nice to know he had someone looking out for him. This petite, brass, charming Englishwoman took care of him as if he weren’t twice anyone’s size and standing a foot above the rest.

The soft buzz of the tv filled the otherwise tensely silent room. A blonde news anchor dressed in a sharp red blazer sat behind a desk with several sheets of paper ahead of her, a pen twirling in her right hand. To her left was an image of the intersection where the crossfire took place, followed by Rumlow and Ward’s mugshots. Then, the screen changed to a video of Sam’s impala flipped on its roof, flames bursting from the engine. It appeared like it was shot on a cell phone from the vertical alignment and the blurred shakiness of whoever was recording it. The screen rushed between glimpses of Sam dragging Peter out from inside the burning car to Nat firing shots at the Hydra men. It switched to a scene of Bucky, Nat, and Sam slowly lowering themselves to the ground as you were held hostage, gun pressed to your temple.

The anchor came back on screen, a solemn look on her face as the small image on her left showed the front view of the hospital. You gritted your teeth and turned away.

After the news had transitioned into a cooking show and then into a morning talk show you’d never heard of, a few officers you hadn’t seen around the station had begun to straggle into the waiting room.

Detective Clint Barton, the one you had learned from Sam had arrested Rumlow and Ward, was currently sitting in the corner of the room with his feet kicked up, watching the mid-afternoon talk show on the small, grainy tv screen bolted to the wall. He was on his second bad of chips from the vending machine.

Dr. Bruce Banner, the one-four's forensic psychologist, was pacing back and forth by the windows. His messy curls bouncing with each step. Peggy had whispered to you that he and Natasha had a bit of a history, which surprised you for only a moment before you remembered that beneath her hardened exterior was one of the kindest, warmest people you knew.

Peter’s Aunt May was sitting by herself, hands in her face, for the last hour. She brushed off anyone that came near, claiming she just knew he’d get himself into this mess and she didn’t want comfort from those who got him there.

You’d learned Bucky’s sister, Rebecca, was out of state for college and his mother had broken down completely on the porch of her house when the officers arrived to inform her of his condition. She couldn’t leave her home in that state, so Steve had them track down a cousin of hers to stay with her until they had more news.

You’d met Thor and Loki, an odd pair who claimed to be brothers despite their polar opposite appearance and general demeanor in which they carried themselves. They called themselves private investigators but Sam grumbled something about them being ‘amateur Nancy Drews’ under his breath.

Even Tony Stark was standing over in the corner, talking quietly into his cellphone.

Then, a woman who demanded the attention of the entire room when she walked through the elevator doors took a seat next to you. She gave you a knowing smile before settling in. You’d later learn her name was Carol Danvers. She was a Sergeant at the one-four and despite her small frame, much like Natasha, she carried the energy of a someone twice her size. She nudged your shoulder lightly, grabbing your attention.

“Barton handed Rumlow and Ward over to me for processing,” she started, a smirk upon her lips. “Just thought you’d like to know that I roughed them up a bit in the interrogation room. Those Hydra scum will turn on one another real quick if they figure they can get one in for themselves. Idiots. Can’t believe they thought we’d actually cut them a deal.”

You laugh slightly behind pressed lips, lifting your head from Peggy’s shoulder. There was a strain in your muscle in the movement and you reached up to massage it.

“So, they’re secure where they are?” you asked apprehensively, stealing a glance back at Steve, who nodded slightly for you, indicating Carol was safe. “One of their moles can’t just let them out while we’re here?”

Carol smiled, shaking her head. “I locked up their cells myself and took all the spares with me. Plus, I’ve got a guy standing guard. Pietro Maximoff. He may be a rookie, but nothing gets past that kid. Too quick.”

You nodded, feeling slightly relieved and a bit satisfied to know Rumlow and Ward had been on the end of Carol’s bad side. She started to tell you stories from the one-four, ones where Bucky and Steve had gotten in serious heat with the previous captain, that made you smile despite the exhaustion. Your eyes glanced down at the double doors a little less often now that she was around.

***

A light tap on your shoulder woke you carefully. You lift your head to find you had fallen asleep on Peggy’s lap. Her hands were running softly through your hair and she offered you a smile as she gestured across the room. You lift your head from her thigh, combing self-consciously through your hair with your fingers as your eyes narrowed on a woman emerging through the double doors at the end of the hall.

Light teal scrubs and auburn hair drawn back away from her face in a ponytail. She discarded her plastic gloves at the edge of the door and you tried to ignore the blood that covered the blue material. She pushed through the doors, eyes scanning the room until she landed on Steve.

“Captain Rogers. You’re Detective Barnes’ emergency contact, is that right?” she asked, weaving through the dozens of officers and members of the one-four who had come to sit in wait for their colleagues.

Steve stood quickly, wiping his hands on his slacks. “Dr. Palmer?”

She nodded. “Detective Barnes lost quite a lot of blood and it was a challenge to piece together his internal wiring from the intrusive trauma, but we managed. He’ll be in the ICU for a while, but he’s tough. I expect he’ll make a full recovery.”

Peggy squeezed your hand and you nearly burst into tears.

“He’ll have significant scarring,” Dr. Palmer went on to add. “There wasn’t much we could do for that I’m afraid.”

“When can we see him?” Steve asked after considering what she said.

Dr. Palmer looked around the room. “While I’m sure he appreciates the turnout, I’m afraid we can only allow immediate family right now. He’s not stable enough for much else.”

Your heart dropped. Steve glanced down at you, unsure of what to say.

“We are his family,” Steve pressed, shaking his head, at a loss. Dr. Palmer pressed her lips together into a thin line. The regret was evident on her face.

“Ms. Barnes?”

Your eyes snapped up to find Sharon jogging in from behind the double doors. She smiled softly at you, sending you a wink before she came up to stand next to Dr. Palmer.

“I can take Ms. Barnes back to see her husband, now,” Sharon offered.

“Oh, I didn’t realize Detective Barnes was married. I must have missed that in the chart,” Dr. Palmer said, nodding her head. The knowing look in her eyes made you wonder if she knew exactly what Sharon was doing. She smiled at you then and you knew she did.  

“He’s still under the anesthesia but he should wake soon,” Dr. Palmer said, directly to you now. “I’ll let Sharon walk you back. Once he’s stable enough, I’ll be sure to let your crew know. We’ll have to sort out a shift system. Don’t want to overwhelm the poor man.”

Steve smiled at that, sitting back into the chair as Peggy ushered you to your feet. She urged you on, waving at you to follow Sharon, but your legs felt like jelly. You clenched your jaw, staring down at the double doors.

Sharon offered you her arm for support and you took it graciously. She led you through the mass of officers and they backed slowly to the sides, allowing a passage through. Once the double doors closed behind you, you glanced over your shoulder to see Steve giving you a slight nod, half of an encouraging smile lifting his cheeks. You exhaled and continued on.

“Now, I want to prepare you,” Sharon began and you could already feel your stomach dropping. “The bruising is darker and more spread out than when he came in, so don’t be alarmed. He’ll have some bandaging on his right hand, his left shoulder, and around his waist. Someone will be by to change those once every few hours. We’ve already removed the respiratory tube from surgery, so don’t worry about having to see that, alright?”

You nodded, trying to take in her words the best you could. Then, she pulled you to a stop outside room 1189. Bucky’s name was scribbled in messy handwriting on the whiteboard underneath. Someone had thought to write “NYPD” just below his name. Somehow, it brought you comfort.

“I’ll work on getting someone in to see Detective Romanoff as well,” Sharon added. “She’ll be waking soon and our staff hates this ‘family only’ rule just as much as you all do.”

She smiled at you, nudging your shoulder. A semblance of a smile pulled at your lips, though it didn’t quite reach your eyes. She reached forward and turned the knob to Bucky’s room, stepping aside to give you the space you needed and disappearing back down the hall.

Slowly, you stepped inside the room. It was brighter than you imagined, light seeping in from the massive windows giving view to the towers across the street. White walls, beige tile floors, the faint smell of fresh sheets and sterilized surfaces. The soft beeping of a machine with a red line ticking up and down and it ran across the screen. Wires connecting down from the monitor to the bed where Bucky laid.

Yours hands reached up to cover your mouth as you finally took him in. Stumbling over to the chair by his bedside, you collapsed into it, shaking hands reaching to grab his. A thick plastic clasp sat over his pointer finger, wires connecting it to the monitor above you. You brought his hand to your lips and kissed his still broken knuckles.

Bandages covered his left shoulder, one wrapped around his stomach, another encasing his hand furthest from you. Broken pieces tied together with gauze and thread.

Your cheeks were wet with tears as you glanced over at his face. His lip was busted down the middle. Blue and purple covered more of his skin than not. Swollen eyelid and cheekbone, angry blue veins protruding to the surface. You tried to imagine he was only asleep, that is wasn’t just the anesthesia keeping him sedated, but you knew better than this. You’d seen the peaceful way he lied on his bed in the early hours of the morning, the almost boyish look in his face as he scrunched his nose in his sleep, the endearing mess of bedhead he’d wake up to. It wasn’t the same.

Exhausted, you leaned forward until your forehead rested against the bed. It was so soft, almost like a pillow and you could feel yourself giving into it. You wrapped your arms under your head, hunching over the bed as you dragged the chair closer with a hook of your foot. Gripped Bucky’s hand in yours, you let yourself find rest.

What felt like only seconds later, but had likely been almost an hour, you hummed contently as a tender pressure ran over your scalp, running through your hair, and lulling you back to sleep. You nuzzled in closer, shiftily slight to lean into the feeling. As raspy chuckle fell on your ears and you sprang up, eyes wide only, heart pounding, only to be met with the most beautiful shades of blue you’d ever seen.

You froze completely, just staring at him, petrified that if you even blinked, he’d disappear. Having noticed the fear etched in your features, he offered you a sad smile. You could practically feel him scanning you for further injury, eyes falling over the cut on your cheek for a moment too long. He licked at his lips when he met your eyes again.

“Hiya, doll,” he exhaled, his voice coming out in only a whisper but certainly the loveliest sound you’d ever heard. He started to cough abruptly and you lunged for the water at his bedside, pouring a glass for him and holding it up to his lips. He took a small sip, nodded that he was finished, and you pulled it away.

He sighed, glancing around the room. “I hope us being here means Hydra didn’t win this round.”

“Rumlow and Ward were arrested when they showed up at the bar,” you confirmed quickly and his eyes narrowed quizzically. You continued, “Steve has the chip from my necklace, too.”

Bucky shook his head, leaning back against the pillow. “It’s too easy.”

A humorless laugh escaped you. “That’s what I said. Sam thinks I should work on accepting good things when they come.”

“Yeah, well, Sam’s too optimistic for his own good,” Bucky grumbled, though he raised a genuine smile for you despite the crack in his lips. It made your heart flutter. He sighed, trying to adjust himself on the bed but winced at the effort. You rushed forward to help him, though you found your hands hovering over him, almost afraid to touch him. If he noticed your hesitancy, he didn’t say anything.

Once he settled, he let out a heavy exhale. His eyes fell on you as you pulled his hand back to your lap, drawing patterns in his palm. Several moments of comfortable silence passed, save for your soft humming. He watched you carefully, almost like he was studying you, trying to memorize you, before he spoke again.

“Are you okay, doll?” Bucky asked cautiously and you could practically hear the guilt beginning to build in his voice.

“We’re here and they’re not,” you shrugged, pulling to press a kiss to the back of his hand. You set your intertwined hands into your lap and slowly met his eye. “That’s all that matters right now.”

He didn’t seem convinced, his gaze caught on the scar running over your cheekbone. “Y/n, I’m so--”

“Don’t do this again, please,” you sighed. When his eyes fell away from you, you reached forward to brush his hair from his eyes, tracing your fingers carefully along the scruff of his beard. He leaned into it. “I’m okay. You’re okay. We’ll deal with the trauma later, alright?”

Bucky chuckled softly at that though when a silence took over again, it took a minute before he looked up at you nervously. “So, there’s a later, huh? Now that this is over?”

The way he asked you, trying to cover his fretfulness through the banter in his voice, made your heart ache. He wasn’t asking to tease you. He was sincere in his uncertainty and that, above all else, hurt more than anything.

“Did you think I’d leave once Hydra was no longer a threat to my life?” you asked, watching the way his eyes flickered down to your intertwined hands, then to the door.

“I don’t know. Maybe,” Bucky shrugged shyly. “Adrenaline can be a hell of a drug. Not to mention, you’re pretty hard to read, sweetheart.”

“Well, you’re stuck with me,” you replied quickly, kissing his hand. You brushed his knuckles over your cheek and his opened his palm to rest against the side of your face. You held it there, leaning into him as his thumb traced delicately under the angry red scar.

“I’m not going anywhere, Bucky,” you reminded him, more serious this time as you said it. You needed him to know, to understand that there wasn’t a single thing on this Earth that could take you from him now. Bucky nodded, a smile curving at the ends of his lips as he sighed, seemingly content to just watch you.

You kissed the inside of his palm, drawing his hand from your face and pulling it to sit in your lap again. You flashed him a smirk and he raised an eyebrow playfully.

“I suppose you should get used to your shitty bourbon, Barnes.”

He let out a laugh-- a genuine, boisterous laugh-- and the sound alone made your heart swell. You weren’t sure you’d ever get used to that. You hoped you never did.

***

With the help of Sharon, Bucky’s room had become a revolving door of visitors. You kept his hand woven in your own as you sat next to his bed side. He had requested to see Clint and Carol first, after you informed him that they were the last ones to have contact with Rumlow and Ward since the arrest. He grilled them for almost an hour before he finally took a breath and relaxed, accepting that maybe they’d finally won a round against Hydra for once.

Clint, you found, was somehow more of a sarcastic shit than Sam was, and you grew a liking to him quickly. Carol took Bucky’s questions in stride, replying in quick, short responses, just enough to get to the point. She barely even batted an eye.

Then came a steady stream of the officers you’d hadn’t met before. Men and women in blue uniform, some from the one-four, others from different precincts over the city. It seemed the NYPD showed up for one of its own regardless of district. They only stayed to wish him well or bring by flowers to sit on the windowsill. Tight lipped smiles and nervous glances in your direction and then they were out the door.

Almost two hours later when Steve and Peggy finally walked through the door, hand in hand, you slumped back against the side of Bucky’s bed in relief. Peggy scurried over quickly to give a light hug to Bucky and an aired kiss to his cheek before she pulled up a chair next to you. Steve hung behind in the doorway, leaning against the frame as he looked Bucky over. He shook his head, pursing his lips into a frown.

“You gotta learn to stay out of trouble, punk,” Steve chuckled under his breath.

“Only if you do, jerk.” Bucky smirked, eyes on his oldest friend until he walked the room to reach out to shake his hand. Steve was cautious as he gripped Bucky’s hand and Bucky must have noticed it because with one hard yank, he pulled Steve down into a hug. A wince passed over his face as he patted Steve’s back, likely from the heavy weight of the captain, but he didn’t complain. Steve laughed, pulling himself up and moving to lean against the wall.

“You’re a pain in my ass, you know that?” Steve teased, the relief on his face as evident as you felt.

“Is someone making fun of Barnes? I want in,” Sam’s voice called from a few paces beyond the door, but he wasn’t the next face you saw come through the frame.  

“You’re all insufferable. Just so you know,” Nat rolled her eyes, leaning on the armrest of the wheelchair Sam was pushing. Her leg was propped up, held at a ninety-degree angle, with heavy bandages and splints holding it in place. Other than that, you never would have known she had just come out of surgery; gorgeous without even an ounce of makeup and soft fiery hair that never seemed out of place.

She winked at you as Sam locked the wheels on her chair next to Peggy. You reached over her and gripped her hand. You wanted to tell her you were sorry she ended up in the crosshairs of a Hydra stand off for you and that you were thankful she was alive. You wanted her to know that even when this was over, you still wanted to be friends. You hoped she felt the same way. Natasha had the uncanny ability to read minds with a single look. She nodded, a knowing smile on her lips, understanding perfectly.

“Gang’s all here,” Bucky chuckled to himself, squeezing your hand. A silence fell over the room and you lowered your head. You could feel Bucky eyeing the room and no one dared to speak. “What?”

“Parker’s still in surgery,” Sam finally said. Bucky’s lips parted in shock. “He got the worst of the explosion. Burned pretty bad and his leg got impaled with a piece of the car door. He’s got a long road ahead of him, but I hear the doc’s optimistic about his recovery.”

Bucky nodded and you could feel his heartrate picking up beneath his pulse point. “He’s just a kid. We never should have let him get involved with this.”

“Parker is a fully trained officer,” Steve said, serious enough tone in his voice to remind you that he was still the captain of this precinct. “He looks young and he’s got the energy of someone half his age, but he’s qualified and capable of doing his job; a job he volunteered for, by the way. You didn’t force him into this. He knew exactly what he was signing up for.”

Steve reached out to put a hand on Bucky’s shoulder but withdrew quickly when his fingers brushed over the series of bandages. Steve swallowed, folding his arms over his chest. Bucky let out a heavy sigh, pressing his lips to a thin line. He stole a glance at you, the tension falling from his face. He pulled your hand to his lips and kissed it.

***

As the hours passed by and the sun began to fall over the city line, the small, white hospital room echoed the sounds of laughter down the hallways and hushed snickering under breaths when the older nurse from the front desk hushed the room. No one showed any signs of leaving, despite the visiting hours closing in the next hour.

Sam had taken a seat at the end of Bucky’s bed, rolling his eyes when Bucky tried to swat him away and saying something like ‘I got shot for you, move the hell over’. Nat was sitting comfortably in her wheelchair, resting one foot on the edge of the bed as she listened intently to Sam and Bucky’s constant bickering, a sly comment said under her breath every once in a while that always got you laughing before anyone knew what was happening. Steve had taken a seat on the windowsill, his feet still touching the ground and you caught him watching Peggy with the kind of gentle bewonder you often saw in Bucky’s eyes.

“Sam, that’s the third time I’ve heard your stomach growl,” Nat observed in a flat toned comment, raising in eyebrow when his hand began to pat at his stomach. 

“Damn, I don’t even remember the last time I ate,” Sam said and the grumble of his stomach rang out again.

“I’ll go get some stuff from the vending machine,” you offered, rising quickly from your chair. Bucky squeezed your hand as you tried to pull away. You glanced back at him and the apprehension on his features was enough to tug at your heart.

“Let Sam go,” Bucky urged and Sam narrowed his eyes as if staring darts.

“Sam’s got a stab wound in his forearm and a bullet in his shoulder,” you teased light-heatedly.

“Ok, what about Steve?”

“Sure, I can go,” Steve agreed, jumping off from the window ledge.

“Guys, stop,” you laughed. “I can handle it myself. Just relax. I’ll be back in five.”

You sent Steve a playful glare when he didn’t back down and he eventually sat back on the ledge. Bucky sighed and you could see the concern behind his eyes. You leaned down and pressed a kiss to his forehead, feeling him instantly relax against you as your hand ran gently over the back of the short hairs on the nape of his neck.

“Five minutes,” you reminded him again. He nodded slowly, though it looked like the very idea of being away from you for even a moment was agonizing.  

You squeezed your way past Peggy’s chair and around Nat’s leg propped up the bed. As you turned down the hall, you could still hear Sam’s boisterous laughter until you passed through the double doors.

The older nurse was standing at the front desk, the corded phone sitting between her ear and shoulder as she scribbled on a notebook, nodding her head and rolling her eyes with each ‘uh-huh.’

As you approached the vending machine in the far corner of the room, she slammed the phone on the receiver and quickly stormed to the back room. You chuckled under your breath, shaking you head. You pulled a few tens from your pocket and eyed up your choices for dinner. Doritos, cheese crackers, potato chips, trail mix, chocolate bars, Cheetos. Sounded good enough to you.

“Not the most nutritious of meals, don’t you think?” a man’s voice said from behind, startling you enough to whip around and clutch at your heart, hand searching instinctively for the necklace you no longer wore. When you saw a black suit-jacket affixed with gold buttons and a shiny NYPD badge with a series of colorful badges pinned on his left breast pocket, you began to relax.

“You scared me,” you exhaled, laughing to yourself.

“My apologies ma’am,” he said, offering you a pleasant smile as he removed his rounded glassed, wiping them on the edge of his jacket before he set them against the bridge of his nose. His sandy blonde hair swept over to the left in short wisps. Over his shoulder an officer you didn’t recognized emerged from the elevators.

“Commissioner Pierce,” the officer greeted, removing his cap in a nod before moving to stand by the double doors. Something about the way he stood guard, his back to the doors, facing you, made you feel uneasy. If he was guarding the commissioner, shouldn’t he be facing potential entry points?

The man in the suit jacket, Commissioner Pierce, pressed out a smile at you as you turned back to the vending machine. Something was wrong. You could feel it in your bones. He cleared his throat behind you and you clenched your jaw, turning to face him again.

“Actually, my dear,” he began and the tone in his voice made you shiver, “I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind taking a few moments to speak with me about the last twenty-four hours. I’ve been made aware that you haven’t given a statement yet and I’d like to make sure we have it on the books before your memory becomes… unreliable.”

“That’s a little below a commissioner's pay grade, isn’t it?” you asked slowly, careful to keep your voice light as not to cause suspicion. You eyed the officer standing at the double doors. His hand held steady on the firearm attached to his hip.

Pierce chuckled to himself, head bowing for a moment before he met your eye again. “I take initiative on the ground every once in a while. Keeps me humble. Especially in cases such as yours. With one of our own feeding information to Hydra, we must stay vigilant. Don’t you agree?”

“Of course,” you forced out a smile, clenching you jaw to hide the influx in your heart rate. You turned back to the machine, watching Pierce’s reflection in the glass. “I’ll be sure to let one of the officers know as soon as I bring back some food. They’re expecting me back any minute.”

As you slid the first bill into the machine, you felt a sharp, solid pressure jab into your lower back. Eyes closed as you exhaled; some kind of twisted acceptance washing over you. Pierce leaned in close enough to feel his breath on your ear.

“I tried to make this easy for you, Y/n,” he tsked, pushing the barrel of the gun hard enough into your side to elicit a wince. You took a deep breath, ready to scream and damn the consequences when Pierce clamped a hand over your mouth. “If you make a single sound, I’ll have of the nurses on my payroll shoot up your precious detective with Fentanyl.”

You froze, breath caught in your throat. From behind the desk, a nurse you didn’t recognize was pulling a syringe from the drawer. She eyed you with a wicked kind of smirk before she walked over to the double doors, standing next to the officer as if on guard, awaiting orders. Pierce slowly lowered his hand.

“Good girl,” he praised against your ear and you recoiled away from his touch. He chuckled under his breath at your reaction, clearly amused. He then nodded for the officer at the door to follow as he put a hand on your shoulder, gripping hard enough to draw bruising. He led you towards the elevator doors where the officer had already tapped the now illuminated arrow pointing to the floor.  

You glanced down the window through the double doors after the nurse retreated back to her station, twirling the syringe in her hand. The hall beyond the doors was entirely empty. Steve was the only armed officer without a major injury and there was no way you’d be able to call for him before Pierce could get a fatal bullet in you and that nurse could dose Bucky amongst the chaos.

This was it.

You should have known better than to trust things would end so easily for you. Your life had never bene easy so why would this? The moment it crossed your mind you might actually have a happy ending to this nightmare of a chapter in your life, you should have known it was too good to be true. You’d gained too many friends, learned to find a family again amongst the late nights at the bar and 24/7 guard duty. And Bucky ---

Bucky was too kind, too loving and sweet and reassuring. He treated you with a gentle kind of sincerity you hadn’t known in years and a constant unbreakable need to keep you safe from harm. You’d let yourself grow to love him in a way you’d never loved another person. In such a short period of time, you’d happily given a piece of your heart away with the assured trust that he’d handle it with care.

You realized suddenly you already said your last goodbye to Bucky, to the makeshift family at the one-four who adopted you so willingly. You’d already poured his last drink, had your last walk through the city in the early hours of the morning, shrugged off his last flirty comment that got your heart racing, and seen his last smile. You’d already kissed him for the last time, already squeezed his hand for the last time, touched him for the last time, told him you --

Well, you’d only told him you loved him once, hadn’t you? It felt like centuries ago. Did he still know? Would he still know once this was over?

You weren’t sure.

You supposed you’d never find out.

The elevator dinged and the metal doors parted. Pierce shoved you inside with the brunt of the gun and you stumbled into the small space. He pressed the button for the ground floor as the officer stood on your other side, hand still on his weapon as if he expected to use it.

A lifetime seemed to pass by as the red LED numbers at the top of the wall counted down. Your focus blurred on the silver doors, studying the ticks and scratches amongst the metal as you tried to avoid your own reflection.

When the doors slid open, Pierce shoved you forward into what looked like the parking garage under the hospital.

“Get her in the car,” Pierce ordered the officer, sliding his gun back into the waist of his suit pants. The officer grabbed a tight hold of your arm, enough to hurt as he yanked you towards him.

There was no use fighting him. You weren’t physically strong enough to overpower him, especially not with a gun in his hand. Pierce gestured toward a black car sitting just a few spaces away. You nearly tripped over a stray rock in the pavement and the officer cursed at you under harsh breaths, raising his hand as if to strike you when --

“Let her go!”

The officer hulled you to his chest, your back slamming roughly against him as the gun pressed to your side. God, this was familiar, wasn’t it?

Steve stood by the exit to the stairs, panting heavily as he aimed his weapon at Pierce. Pierce slowly turned around, a laugh on his tongue, almost as if he was expecting this.

“I know who you really work for, Pierce!” Steve shouted his voice echoing through the garage. “I know where your allegiance lies. I’ve seen the file. It’s over! Turn yourself in while you can!”

“Frankly, Rogers, I’m a little surprised it took you this long,” Pierce replied smugly, not even bothering to deny it. Steve’s eye glanced at you, flickering over for only a moment, just long enough to catch your nod, signaling that you were okay, before turned his attention back to Pierce.

“Let Y/n go and maybe we can arrange a deal,” Steve bargained. An angry tension carried in his tone and you wondered if he was sincere in his words. The sharp narrowing of his eyes suggested otherwise.

“I don’t want your deal, Rogers,” Pierce spat, swatting his hand in the air at Steve. “You know nothing of Hydra if you think we care for anything but the bigger picture. I am willing to sacrifice my life for the cause. Are you?” He glanced over towards you, a smirk on his face as he turned back to Steve. “Is she?”

“Ward and Rumlow turned on each other pretty easy.”

“They were henchmen at best,” Pierce dismissed, rolling his eyes. He was pacing freely, walking casually as if he wasn’t in the middle of a hostage situation.  

“You have nothing!” Steve shouted. “The Hydra informant list was sent to the station hours ago. It’s over, Pierce. You have no reason to take her.”

“There’s still revenge, isn’t there?” Pierce shrugged, whipping out his gun in one smooth movement and aiming it in your direction. There wasn’t enough time to close your eyes before a loud ringing echoed through the garage, but it wasn’t any of the weapons’ discharge.

You looked towards the source of the noise to find the stairwell door slammed against the adjacent wall and a fuming Bucky Barnes racing through the frame, clad only in the light grey sweatpants Peggy had brought for him, bare feet, and bandages covering most of his torso. Sam rushed in behind him.

Bucky was panting heavily as he exchanged a look with Steve who only shot him a warning glare in return. He faltered slightly in his stance and Sam quickly ushered himself under Bucky’s good arm, keeping him steady.

“Great,” Pierce mumbled. “Now that everyone’s here…”

Pierce continued talking but you could hear much of it. It was clear none of the three men standing just fifty feet away from you were either as they talked amongst themselves quickly, eyeing one another up between glances back to Pierce. Pierce was pacing, monologuing about the ‘glory of Hydra’ when you notice Bucky gesturing for Steve’s gun. Steve shook his head, retuning his gaze to Pierce, the barrel of his gun swaying back and forth as the man paced.

Bucky gritted his teeth, his eyes falling on you. There was a determination behind them you recognized from the intersection the last time a Hydra agent held a gun to you, though you could tell with a single glance that he wasn’t getting on his knees. Not again.

He held your eye, mouthing something to you that looked a little like ‘it’s gonna be okay.’ You scanned over at Pierce who was still managing to talk without any prompting. The officer holding you seemed to be getting a little bored with his commissioner’s speech because his grip slowly started to loosen.

Then, all at once, Bucky snaked his good hand around Sam’s waist and pulled the gun from the holster, barrel aimed directly at you. Pierce froze, shouting something you couldn’t quite understand as a deafening shot rang out in your ears. You yelped and a wet substance splattered over the side of your face, soaking into your hair. The officer fell to the ground with a heavy thud.

Another shot echoed through the garage and Pierce let out a shriek, his gun falling from his hand as he gripped at the now bloody surface of his palm. You looked over to Steve, who was holstering his weapon, pleased with his aim.

Bucky was sprinting towards you; Sam close behind. Their footsteps were muffled by the deafening ringing in your ears. You glanced down at the officer, his eyes wide, unstaring, as a bullet sat wedged between his eyes. Without thinking much of it, you bent down, and picked up the handgun that he had held against you. It was warm to the touch.

“Y/n,” Bucky panted, reaching quickly to gather you in his arms when you abruptly snapped your attention to Pierce, aiming the gun at his chest. Pierce held his hands up in surrender, though he kept them clasped together, blood dripping down his forearms from the bullet that had ripped through his palm.  

“Get on your knees,” you growled, a snarl twitching at your upper lip. Pierce’s eyes fell on Bucky, then Steve as he ran up to stand next to you, almost as if he was begging them for interference. It riled up a kind of anger in you too difficult to control.

“Don’t look at them! Look at me!”

Pierce’s gaze snapped back to you in an instant.

“Y/n,” Bucky’s voice called softly behind you. “Doll, please, give me the gun. You don’t wanna do this.”

“No. I do,” you nodded your head frantically, tears welling in your eyes. “He’s behind all of this! He gave the order for Charlie’s death. He sicked Rumlow on us. He’s the reason Sam and Nat were shot and you were tortured for information I didn’t even know existed! Peter’s fighting for his life because of this asshole! He deserves to die!”

Pierce winced as you stepped closer. The sharp click of the safety as it unlocked was thunderous.

“I know,” Bucky admitted, a hesitancy behind his voice. “You’re right, but please, not by your hand. It’s not something you come back from. Doll, I’m begging you. Don’t let him take anything else from you.”

You clenched at your jaw, willing yourself to not cry as you stared down this man. He wasn’t as powerful as he made himself to be when he was staring down the end of a gun. He was a weak, pathetic, feeble man and he was at your mercy alone. You met his eye, providing nothing for him but the cool numbness he had forced onto you and then, you fired.

Two shots.

One at each knee cap.

Pierce cried out, dropping to the ground and rolling onto his side. The garage echoed with his pained shouts, but you couldn’t hear much of it beyond the ringing in your ears from the discharge of the gun. You stepped backwards, bumping into Bucky’s chest.

His hands brushed over your arms, holding you steady. When you didn’t flinch at the touch, he skimmed his hand down to yours and gingerly pulled the gun from your hand, passing it off to Sam. You let it go willingly. Steve had meanwhile rushed forward and yanked Pierce’s hands behind his back, cuffing him, before he pulled out his phone to call for reinforcements.

You could vaguely make out Bucky calling your name softly but you couldn’t seem to bring your focus away from Pierce. This man, this insignificant man, who hadn’t even existed in your life less than twenty minutes ago had spent the last few months upending your entire world. From behind the shadows, he stood, watching, waiting, for the prime opportunity.

Dark red pooled around the concrete around him and he was complaining to Steve that he needed a doctor. Steve grunted, rolling his eyes, and told him something you can only assume was ‘you’ll live.’

“Sweetheart,” Bucky’s voiced ached, his hand tracing over the line of your jaw. “Please, I need you to look at me.”

You blinked a few times in a row. When did he move in front of you? He was watching you with those careful blue eyes of his, drawing and scanning over every ounce of your face in hopes to find some sort of sign that you were in there somewhere. He pulled his bottom lip between his teeth. You looked down, focus caught on the red stain growing upon the thick bandage wrapped at his waist.

“You tore your stitches,” you commented meekly, eyes finally reaching up to his. A sigh of relief pushed up the corners of Bucky’s lips and he nodded, glancing at the stain himself.

“Wasn’t gonna let some Hydra asshole take my girl again,” Bucky shrugged, his thumb brushing under the scar on your cheek. You leaned subconsciously into the touch and he smiled sweetly at you. “The second Steve took off runnin’, you should have seen the trail of nurses behind me after I ripped out my heart monitor and the IV drip. It’s a good thing my legs still work, huh?”

“’Good thing’, my ass,” Sam grumbled behind him, shaking his head as he holstered the weapon Bucky had confiscated in the chaos.

You chuckled under your breath as Bucky shot Sam a glare over his shoulder. You tiled your face slightly, just enough to kiss the inside of his palm. He turned back to you upon the feeling.

“It’s over, isn’t it?” you asked carefully, glancing over at Pierce for a moment before returning to Bucky. He nodded, pulling you into his arms. The gentle touch of his lips pressed against your forehead as you wrapped your arms tight around his waist. He held onto you like you were his only lifeline.

“Yeah, doll,” he sighed, his breath warm over the crown of your head. “It’s over.”

He didn’t let go of you even as the siren’s wailed throughout the garage and the blue and red lighting illuminated the dingy underground lot. You stole a glance over at Pierce, ear pressed to Bucky’s chest and listening intently to the sound of his heart beat to keep you grounded, as Steve ushered him into the back of the police car. The door slammed behind him and a wave of relief washed over you.

Once Steve jumped in the driver’s seat to escort Pierce and the line of four other cars back to the station, the garage had fallen silent.

“So, now that I have a moment with you alone,” Bucky smirked, pulling back a moment to get a better look at you.

“Oh God, please spare me,” Sam grunted from a few paces behind Bucky’s shoulder and your cheeks flushed red. He was leaning against a car that clearly didn’t belong to him, good arm folded over his chest as he shook his head. “You just tore open that nasty stab wound the good doc spent hours piecing back together. If you drop dead because you bled out in some disgusting parking lot for a kiss, I will lose my damn mind. Need I remind you, I got shot for your sorry ass.”

Bucky was staring at you the whole time Sam spoke, biting on his lip to keep himself from laughing, though the subtle shake in his shoulders was enough to alert Sam.

“Fine!” Sam snorted, “You got five minutes before I sent the brigade after you. It better be one hell of a kiss, Barnes!”

Sam’s heavy footsteps echoed in the garage as he made his way to the elevator. You were watching him wait rather impatiently for the doors to open when you felt Bucky’s fingers under your jaw drawing your attention back to him. He set his both his hands against your cheeks and you could feel the soft bandage wrapped around his palm where the knife had pierced through. He exhaled, big blue eyes staring down at you as his lips curved ever so slightly.

“It will be.”

epilogue  

tags 🐣: @sweetheartbarnes / @musiclover1263 / @pies-wands-and-more / @buckygrantbarnes / @mywinterwolf / @breatheeagainnnn / @jewelofwinter / @lumar014 / @alohafromhell1 / @bucksandroses / @teardropcup / @beautiful-aravis / @me-chi / @somewereinthegalaxi / @marvelfansworld / @whyamidoingthistomyselfhelp / @deanwinchesterswitch / @yourwonderbelle / @fairislesheets / @brokeinflight / @verygraphicink / @lollipopdomination / @emotionallysalty / @forsaken-letters / @captain-hammer-of-asgard / @ashlieadelia / @kasimagines / @ladymelissastark/ @panic-naran / @pinkisokay / @jsmith509 / @hennessy0274-blog / @littlemsrantsalot / @bucky-rrogers / @the-wayward-robot

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #193

“i’m stronger than i ever knew; i’m strong because of you.”

What’s one item the dollar store is good for? Candy. What’s the last thing you made out of construction paper? A "cover" for Sara's first V-Day present. What’s the last thing that inspired you? I'm not sure, really. Probably some video. Are you a daredevil? No. What’s one thing you are lazy about? Cleaning. Do you prefer tea to be cold or hot? Tea is a no from me. Do you ever get annoyed by the stupid decisions characters make in books? Not really annoyed, seeing as making mistakes is sometimes a necessity to the plot, but I'm more like, "no one would ever do that irl," especially in the horror genre. What’s one thing that’s annoying you about the book you’re reading now? N/A What’s the most boring thing about your life right now? You would almost assume I'm under house arrest because I can never leave my fucking house. What could make your life more interesting? Being in school, have a job, or have Sara live here. Name someone you know who is truly happy. My nephew. He's only two, but. I have never seen a happier human being. Do you have trouble letting friends go when you need to? It depends. Do you have trouble letting things go? Depends as well. How cluttered is your apartment/house/room? My room's decent, but the majority of the house is kinda messy or just unorganized. Do you have any antique furniture? No. What’s the most you’ve ever spent on a purse? Idk, certainly not much. Where would be the most fun place to do a 24 hour challenge in, do you think? Probably an amusement park. Would be creepy as fuck at night too, and I'd liiive for it. What’s something you’ve been wanting to do but haven’t got around to yet? A lot... like resume studying German. I haven't decided to yet because I question the real usefulness of it; I want to go to Germany, but that may never happen, and I could probably manage just enough with what I know. It may end up just being wasted time and effort. What was the best class trip you have ever been on? 5th grade visit to the zoo. Did you have your own room as a child? No, I shared it with Nicole. Maybe Ashley was with us for a while before being given her own room? Idr. Have you ever shared a room? See above, then with Jason in the old apartment. If so, was having a roommate hard for you? As a young kid, Nicole and I liked sharing a room, but as I especially got older, I really wanted my own. With Jason, no. Do you own a lot of clothes that don’t fit you anymore? Yes, some I hope to shrink back into or are just stored for nostalgia. Where do you donate old clothes? Goodwill and some other place idr. Do you enjoy antique stores? Oh. My. God. Yes. What are five things you inherited from your mom? Somewhat slower metabolism I think, depression, are seasonal allergies genetic?, height, and hair thickness. What are five things you inherited from your dad? PACING, this little short huff-ish laugh thing he does at the end of some sentences, no common sense whatsofuckingever, and enjoying games. Do you enjoy grocery shopping? Noooo. Do you enjoy clothes shopping? Only at stores I like, and if I don't have to try things on. Do you own footie pajamas? Omg nooooo, haven't since I was a kid. They had to be so uncomfortable. Which America’s Got Talent Golden Buzzer performance was your favorite? I haven't seen/remember enough. Do you watch America’s Got Talent? I did religiously until Sharon left. If you were to host a '90s party, which 3 shows would you like to run? That '70s Show, Full House, and The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. What was your favorite thing you collected as a child? Webkinz. I was that one kid who had dozens. Whose house was your first sleepover at? My first best friend, Brianna's. If you had a daughter, would you allow sleepovers? Of course with girls, but I probably wouldn't allow a boy to stay overnight until she was at least 16 due to the risk of her getting pregnant. Which do you like better, your first name or your middle name? My first. What are some ways that pop culture has helped you learn historic or scientific facts? Oh, video games and TV shows definitely have. There must be plenty of other things, but. Blanking. Have you ever had a job in which you felt that you had nothing to do? What was the protocol in that situation (e.g., surfing the web, taking on the job of co-workers, or pretending to work)? If you have not, do you think it would be lucky or unlucky to have such a job? N/A; I wouldn't enjoy an extreme lack of work, but definitely some time to like wander around the Internet and such. Having too little would be super boring, and I'd feel very unproductive. Have you ever intimidated or made another person feel legitimately threatened? If not, do you think that you could ever be seen as scary? I felt horrible when I found out Mom's been legitimately uneased before because of how loudly I can scream at Bentley and/or Teddy when I'm really pissed. I've been working on it since then. In what ways do you or would you need to be validated by a partner? (For example, liking your posts/talking about you on social media, or perhaps by doting on you with gifts.) Above all, I need to be reminded that you love me, that you're not leaving (unless of course there's good reason to), AND THAT MY ILLNESSES AREN'T BECOMING TOO OVERWHELMING. As well, with how I physically am now, I need to know that my weight doesn't bother you. That's all I can think of atm. When you are having a hard time emotionally, what are some of the telltale ways that you act out or that your personality reflects your struggles? I admit I speak before I think and can be very snappy and sarcastic. I become extremely pessimistic and cry easier than I already do. My stability in general is very fragile when I'm struggling. Do you tend to succeed by weaning yourself off of something or by quitting cold turkey? WEANING. I never would've survived dropping soda (for the time I did) if I hadn't weaned down. Well, quitting meat cold turkey during my vegetarian phase was easy, but most things, I'd still say weaning. Is there a specific type of pet breed/size/etc. that you don’t want? Why not? I wouldn't want huge dogs due to so much energy, nor would I want arachnids or insects. Or fish because they bore me so it just feels like a total chore to clean the tank. I wouldn't want most birds due to all the noise. Also not interested in blood pythons, as they're notorious for being aggressive. Have you ever lived in a notoriously dangerous area? If not, would it bother you to do so? Yup. Has a friend’s significant other ever interfered with or damaged your friendship? What about a significant other of yours damaging a friendship? I don't think so for either. What, if anything, is something that you put pressure on yourself about? What do you imagine would happen if you did not live up to this expectation? Achieve complete financial comfort. If I don't, after how I've grown up, I will be borderline (if not seriously) devastated and disappointed in myself. I also put immense pressure, an amount I know is unhealthy, on myself about losing weight, and if I don't achieve that, I don't know what I'd do. I've worked and still work so hard to. If you have been in a serious relationship, have you and your partner ever discussed lifetime plans that clashed? Did you reconcile them or did you break up? If you have not been in a relationship, what are some issues that would be deal-breakers? In the beginning of mine and Jason's relationship, it was casually mentioned I didn't want children while he did, but we didn't worry about that at the time as we had a long time to figure that out. I later decided I wanted kids together, anyway... Would you ever believe I wanted three back then???? If you have favorite names or names picked out for your children, where did you learn of the names or when did you fall in love with them? I can't remember where I heard Alessandra, but I immediately thought it was gorgeous. I fell in love with Damien because of fucking Mayor Damien from Who Killed Markiplier? Yes, I would absolutely name my son after a Markiplier character, fight me about it. What is one item that you have recently been coveting? Do you think that you will actually get it? Why/why not? A new laptop more than anything... and soon. Dad's working on it as a Christmas + birthday present. Do you still have both of your parents? They're alive, but divorced. Do you like being sensually bitten? UGGGHHHHHHHH YEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSS. If you wear eyeliner, what color do you use? Only ever black. How many colors are in your hair right now? One, but with natural highlights and undertones. Do you have your full license yet? No. Working on it. Are you into gory movies? If the gore is a realistic amount. Have you ever been locked in a room forcefully without anyone knowing? No. Do you have the same color eyes as your mother? No. Does your significant other boss you around a lot? No. Have you ever been drunk? If so, do you get drunk regularly? No. Do you consider yourself a loner or a social butterfly? A loner, but I'm sincerely trying to branch out at least some. Have you ever been put to sleep for surgery? Yes. What is your favorite online smiley face to you? I like ;v; but rarely use it because people can't seem to decide if it's an extremely happy and teary face (what I see) or a sad one???? What is something that freaks you out no matter what? OH GOD thought of this because I passed a video of a pregnant sphynx on FB today. I. Cannot. See a fetus moving from the outside of its mother's stomach. It absolutely, thoroughly horrifies me to the point I may scream. It's one of the million reasons, if not the main reason, I never want to be pregnant and why I say pregnancy would likely traumatize me, especially feeling it. Are the lights in your room more dim or bright? I'd say my ceiling lamp is a tad dimmer? Do you take a lot of photos? No. I'd take far more "photography" pictures if I actually had things to and a way to get around... When you were little, did you think band-aids healed everything? Maybe? Have you ever had a pregnancy scare? A completely unrealistic one. I just missed my period one month, I guess out of stress, a change in meds, something like that, and I was panicking that it was a pre-cum pregnancy, even with protection (aka, thin underwear, which sperm can't travel through). I was an anxious mess until my period did come around. Anxiety is fun. Do you have freckles? If so, do you enjoy them or hate them? I don't. Where do you download music from? YouTube. Do you have a laptop, desktop or both? A laptop. If you have a job, do you work with any of your friends? Do you like that job? N/A When did you last look in a mirror? Last time I was in the bathroom. What are you most known for? Probably that I'm very reserved and anxious. What was the last movie you bought for yourself to watch? I don't think I've ever bought a movie myself. If you have any animals, do any of them live in the house with you? They all do. Would you rather have curly or straight hair? Straight. What is one thing you think is gross about the human body? Sweating. Ever make a friendship bracelet for someone? As a kid. Would you say you have extreme morals? "Extreme" seems a bit far, but I have rather strict ones. What have you been made fun of for the most? I've been teased by so many people, family especially, about how I stay on the laptop or am on my phone, and I fucking hate it. Seriously, don't bring it up. I have reasons. Do you watch any television shows from other countries? I don't watch any TV shows currently. Who is your most favorite television/movie villain? Television... probably a character I can't say as their position of being a villain is a massive spoiler of the show. Or Fullmetal Alchemist's Envy, especially in Brotherhood. Movie, Dark Alessa from the first Silent Hill. Have you ever been stabbed by something? A pencil. Maybe other things. Well, do piercings, tattoos, or shots count? How many pillows do you normally sleep with? Two. When you have chocolate, do you eat it room temperature? Or are you like me and stick the bar into the fridge first? I like it room temperature. Chilled doesn't sound all that appealing. What’s the most shocking thing that’s happened in your part of town? Idk, maybe a murder or something? Are there any constellations you recognize just by looking at them? The Little or Big Dipper, idk which is which. Which insect do you find the most beautiful? Butterflies! Do you like gardening? If so, what do you grow? No. Do you enjoy puzzle games? If so, which one’s your favorite? Yeah, probs Sudoku. What is a job you would never in a million years want to do? Teaching, to name just one. What’s the weirdest building in your city? *shrugs* Do you recognize friends’/family’s vehicles by sound? No. Which Disney villain is your favorite? Probably Scar. Or Hades, I loved his character. Which possession would you not want to inherit from a relative? I dunno. Fancy china or some shit I'll never use or break. Is there an ex you think about every day? You know... maybe Jason. Tiny things will trigger quick memories/thoughts about him a lot of days, maybe actually most, I guess as a PTSD thing. He played such a huge part of my life and drastically changed it, so it's hard not to. I don't give him deep thought or anything and they're typically emotionless; just for example, if I heard Motionless In White, my head would immediately connect them to him as his favorite band, then the thought's over. AND I JUST WANNA SHARE BECAUSE I'M PROUD AS FUCK that today was our anniversary date, and this is the first year I feel zero pain or attachment to it. Would you ever go back to any of your past relationships? No. What's the worst thing you have ever said to anyone? Probably some evil shit I said in that letter to Dad. Who was the last person to text you before you went to bed last night? Sara. When was the last time you had a conversation with an ex? I talked briefly with Girt a few days back. Is there a guy who knows everything or almost everything about you? Jason did. Who was the last person to annoy you? My stepmother with the stupid political shit she shares on Facebook. I love her a whole lot, but oh my god. I regret even adding her. Do you have any text messages that you don’t want other people to read? I wouldn't be mortified or anything, but there's some I want private nevertheless. Which room in your house tends to be the coldest in the winter time? The laundry room, the first room of the house from the backdoor. There's no AC in there, and because there's a draft with the door, it gets cooooold. What is something that you fear will happen to you in the future? (Also Why) I won't be financially stable. That's all I've known so far, and the stress of it is unbelievable. What criminal (dead or alive) would you like to sit down and talk to and why? None. What is the most interesting documentary have you watched? Meerkat Manor. :') Where is your brother? In Tennessee. Last person you cussed at? At? Not in the presence of? Uh, I think I playfully called a friend/family member a bitch at some point? When did a parent last tell you, you couldn’t do something you wanted to? I was craving a Sonic shake a couple days ago, but Mom didn't wanna drive out that far with low gas. Last time you took a picture? A few days back. Our camellia bush is blooming now, and some of the flowers are falling, and I visualized a beautiful shot looking down at one, but no matter what I did, the damn camera wouldn't focus just enough. This is such a frequent problem that I think something may be wrong with the lens. I cannot wait for new ones. Next time you will see the last person that made you cry? Who was it? Myself, so, lol. Next person that will call you? Likely my dad about our laptop hunt. Last person that was at your house besides family? A delivery guy. How many friends do you have? I don't know who are really my old friends, friends, and true friends nowadays. Few. When were you born? 11:20 or 11:30 A.M., I forget. Who are you closest to in your family? Mom. What program on your computer do you use the most? Chrome. Would you ever consider getting plastic surgery? Not unless I was in some sort of freak accident. What is your favorite breed of dog? Akita inus or Saint Bernards. Are you a fan of anime? Yeah. What is your favorite kind of cookie? Soft chocolate chunks. Ahhh. Where is your favorite city? I don't have one. Do you get bored easily? Very. What grosses you out the most? The most? Oh man, idk. Probably seeing bones clearly broken and at gnarly angles, or strange bodily shit like botflies being pulled out (I physically refuse to watch things like that), and giant pimple/cyst popping is fucking disgusting. I do NOT understand how some find it satisfying. Or, as mentioned earlier, seeing fetuses move from the outside. Have you ever been to the circus? In elementary school. I don't remember it. What’s the longest word you know? Uhhh, "brobdingnagian?" Do you use teeth whitener? No, but God knows I want to. Do you think war is an acceptable way of solving problems? NO. NO. NO. NO. Were you a bad child when you were younger? No. What is your favorite type of exercise? Swimming. Do you live near any volcanoes? No. Name one word that you always have trouble pronouncing. Almost everyone points out how I put a "d" in "breakfast" after the "k." I have to consciously think in order to not. Tell me something about yourself that you don’t normally tell people. The fact I enjoy RP. Do you have any songs that seem to fit your life perfectly? Perfectly, idk. Have you ever tried “planking”? Oh wow, I forgot about that fad. The exercise form of planking, yes. Do you trust yourself with big responsibilities? Usually not. What’s your favorite flavor of ice cream? So there's this local dessert place I go to exclusively for their ice cream called "campfire delight" that surpasses any ice cream I've ever had. Out of basic flavors, vanilla. How many people have you truly fallen IN love with? Two. Where was your mom born? Somewhere in New York. Have you ever seen your siblings naked? Well duh as kids. As teens/adults, I think I've seen Ashley like once. Now Nicole, she has no shame and used to walk without a care into the living room to grab clean clothes lmao, and she never cared if I needed to come into the bathroom for whatever if she was in there after she got out of the shower. What can always make you feel better no matter what? Show me that video of Mark witnessing for the first time that "nasa peepo" shit lmao. I will at LEAST smile. What did you last order from a restaurant? A double cheeseburger and fries. And what restaurant was that from? McDonald's. Did you ever really believe in the tooth fairy? Yes. Would you ever get your legs waxed? Likely not. Are you listening to music right now? "Roots" by In This Moment. When was the last time somebody hit on you? lul Sara yesterday, I think. Was the last person you met a male or female? Uhhh who was the last person I met. I really don't know. Which one of your friends do you feel most comfortable around? Sara. Do you own a map of the world? No. Who did you last spoon with? Sara. Does your family eat dinner together? No. When eating string cheese, do you dive right in or just peel it? I don't like string cheese. How do you get rid of your hiccups? Nothing works for me. Do you know how to take screen shots on your computer? Yeah. Do you have a blister anywhere on your body? No. Do you remember what your last fortune cookie said? No, but I think I recall thinking it was stupid. Do you like Chinese food, Mexican food, or American food better? American. What do you think of off-brand soda? Doesn't bother me. Do you like hot, cold, or lukewarm showers? Usually hot. Do you grit your teeth a lot? No. Do you like to swing? Ye. How about jumping on a trampoline? Haven't done that in years, and it would probably wreck my knees. Do you have long arm hair? No. Is your hair healthy? Very. How often do you wash your hair? I have to every time I shower unless I want it greasy, so every other day or sometimes one more. Do you love Family Guy, or hate it? It doesn't bother me. Do you like kids? I don't hate them, but being around them long enough tests me. How often do you like to have sex? Sara and I aren't at that point yet, so I can't really say. If I'm still the same, Jason and I did so every few days, and if I didn't see him in like, almost a week, I'd definitely want it. Do you throw shit under your bed? No. Do you like Dairy Queen? Sure. Have you ever actually drank warm milk? Ew, no. Do you prefer to have milk when you eat cakes/cookies? Every once in a while for cookies. What is your preferred brand of chocolate? Ohhhhhh I can't remember its name. It's one of the "fancier" kinds. Do you like white chocolate? No, too sweet. Are there any movies/shows you’ve seen so many times you’re sick of them? I don't think so. What about songs you’ve heard so many times you hate them? Not hate. Have you ever eaten snow? Yeah, as a kid, and here in the South, there's also this tasty treat called snow cream that you make with fresh snow. Are there any metals that turn your skin green? Silver. Do you know anybody who gets feminism confused with misandry? BOY DO I Do you talk to your pets? Seriously curious, does anyone not? When you do, is your tone different from when you talk to humans? Usually. Do you like using terms of endearment? Yes. Describe yourself with 3 fictional characters. Okay so I'mma actually think here... HA FIRST I am the Actual Eric Derekson, Max Caulfield (tho I give myself just enough credit that I am not that cringey), and Katniss Everdeen, if I remember her well enough (and I only read the first book/saw the first movie). Are there any numbers you dislike for any reason? No. Do you own/wear any jumpsuits? No. Have you ever adopted a stray? (Cat or dog) Cats, plenty. What’s a movie you think more people should see? Idk. Do you read about any mythology? (Greek, Roman, Norse, Egyptian, etc) Haven't since high school, but I'm very interested in it. If you do, do you have any favorite gods/goddesses? Maybe Artemis. Do you think it’s prettier when the moon is full, or a crescent? Full. Have you ever been to a planetarium? Does the Kennedy Space Center qualify? Have you grown to dislike your first email address? Lol, I'll admit it's embarrassing when I have to give it out. Have you ever gotten angry at an employee and complained to the manager? No. What songs bring back happy memories for you? "Closer" by The Chainsmokers, "Leavin'" by Jesse McCartney, "Pretty Woman" by Van Halen, "All Time Low" by Jon Bellion, "Caroline" by Aminé, "I'm Not A Vampire" by Falling In Reverse, a few Billy Joel songs, a lot of old Train songs, "Let Me Hear You Scream" by Ozzy... a lot. Are there any smells that bring back happy memories? Probably? Oh, pancakes and sausage or bacon cooking, for one. I just remember the occasional times as a kid Mom would make breakfast.

[parkjmini]

Outlier | the end

poly!au: park jimin x reader x kim jennie while your lovers said they needed you, you wondered if they knew how much you needed them. word count: 3988 genre: angst warnings: explicit language

[an]: nothing is medically accurate lmao im so sorry i researched like 70 percent and then i implied everything else so dont trust me idk what im talking abt. but a BIG thank you to everyone who sent me so so so much support and feedback for this entire series bc i wouldn’t have had the motivation to finish. getting those messages after posting a chapter made me giddy for my own story and i know what happens. I truly love interacting with my readers and going into plot/character analysis, i just love hearing everyone’s thoughts and thinking processes bc we all interpret things differently, again, thank you everyone who enjoyed reading this story (: 

prologue . 01 . 02 . 03 . 04 . 05 . 06 . 07 . 08 . the end 

After confirmation of the surgery, it became prepping sessions. Your doctor slowly took you off the chemo and gave you medication to ease any discomfort. You were given less visiting hours because you needed to rest. 

But your troubles stirred when you were alone. The moment replayed in your mind when Jennie told you that they were broken up. There was nothing you could say, nothing for you to fix. Jennie and Jimin were respectfully dating you, aware of your decision for still wanting to be with the both of them. It didn’t feel the same though, it didn’t feel secure or safe.

There was no way you could date them separately. Jimin lacked what Jennie brought to the relationship and vise versa. It wasn’t complete without the both of them. Your nurses didn’t let you worry about that, brushing away Jimin and Jennie during your resting hours. 

Jungkook visited you once after you added him back onto your list. He also brought you a vase of your favorite flowers. There was part of you where you didn’t want to make things awkward, but the other part didn’t allow for that. Instead, you blurted out that you knew about his crush on you. Then, he left quickly after you rejected his offer to be with him.

Hoseok respected your time and didn’t visit when he wasn’t allowed to. You were aware of how he had other important events in his life, but you really wished he tried to see you more. You’d hate to admit it, but Hoseok seemed to be the only person you could turn to for any non-biased advice. Since he stopped coming around often, you had to turn to your nurses.

The two weeks were absolutely the dullest moment in your life. You thought that living in your small town with your mom was bad, this was worse. You were stuck in a huge hospital with no friends majority of your stay. Your nurses were only with you for max ten minutes before they needed to go. You had the television, sleep, and your own nervousness.

Surgery was a big decision, so big that you even called your mom about it. You didn’t have the best relationship with your mom, so calling her was a surprise to even her. She totally didn’t bother to follow up on your life, so she never called first. But, you couldn’t go into surgery with the possibility of death and not tell her about it.

She offered to fly over and you insisted that she didn’t. So when she arrived to see you, you didn’t hesitate to give her a piece of your mind.

“What are you doing here? I told you that you didn’t need to come. Where did you find which hospital I was staying at?” You groaned into your pillow.

Your mom set her things down and crossed her legs while she took a seat across from you. “I asked the school. I’m your mother, for fucks sakes.” 

“Yeah, well you didn’t think that when I was growing up, so now that I’m dying, you decide you should start caring.” You rolled your eyes at her gasp.

“How dare you say that to me? I raised you when your dad walked out on us.”

“If you think being drunk and picking me up from my after school programs means raising me, then yeah. You did great mom.” Your sarcasm came out in train wrecks when it came to your mom; she drew the worse out of you.

“(Y/N), you have cancer and you decide to let me know when you’ve already decided for surgery is not exactly the most responsible daughter thing you pride yourself to be.” She shot back.

Your nurse came in to cue that she only had 15 minutes left before she needed to leave. “It honestly didn’t cross my mind that I needed to tell you since you’ve never cared enough to call me these past years except to invite me to your stupid wedding. Might I also add that you didn’t tell me about until the day before, so that makes two of us.”

“I didn’t raise you for you to treat me like this.”

“You didn’t raise me at all, what are you saying? But how about we talk about something else, since that’s all we ever talk about. News flash, mom, I have fucking pancreatic cancer and I’m going into surgery tomorrow. I’ve been going to chemo these past three months and I have almost to no hair. My body is bruised from being poked by needles. I am dying! Thanks for even having the audacity to come see me before my maybe death tomorrow. Don’t let the door hit you in the face.” You shouted as loud as your lungs let you go.

Your door opened and you both stopped your argument to see Jennie and Jimin standing under the frame. They looked stunned and confused to see the lady who you resembled. “Did we come at a bad time?” Jimin asked.

“No, since this is your visiting time.” You crossed your arms, glaring at your mom.

“Who are you two?” She asked, rudely.

“Mom, that’s my boyfriend, Jimin and that’s my girlfriend, Jennie. Welcome to the modern society of polyamorous relationships where I love two people at once.” Jennie and Jimin have never heard such sarcasm run out of your mouth. You were always just subtle, but this side of you was new.

“Hi, it’s nice to finally meet you.” Jennie stepped forward and your mom got up.

“Well, I can see that you have a whole double life I know nothing about. I guess you don’t need me anymore. Good luck on your surgery and whatever you call a relationship.” She grabbed her things and walked past Jennie and Jimin.

“She was pleasant.” Jimin said sarcastically and you rolled over on your side.

“This is why I never brought you home with me for the holidays.”  Jennie hurried to cuddle up to your side. 

“At least we avoided an awkward argument over Christmas dinner.” She chuckled and kissed your ear.

Jimin sat on your opposite side. “Are you ready for tomorrow?” 

Sitting up in Jennie’s arms, you buried your face in your hands. “No. I’m so scared.” 

“You’re going to be fine. Jennie, Hoseok and I are going to be right outside of your door. We’re going to be with you when you’re recovering. We’re with you every step of the way, we already packed our go-bags.” Jimin tried to comfort you, but you sobbed into your hands. You couldn’t help but cry so much nowadays. Staying strong was hard when you were so vulnerable. 

“And if something happens? Will you be there with me?” It was a rhetorical question that caused them to both fall silent.

“Nothing will happen. They’re highly trained professionals and I made sure you had the best surgeon in this hospital.” Jennie bragged proudly and Jimin laughed.

“Yeah, seeing her demand it was very terrifying. But, she did it. You’re in good hands, baby.” Jimin smiled and kissed the top of your head.

“Can you two just lay with me for the last couple of minutes before my nurse comes and kicks you out?” You sniffed and moved over for Jimin to join the sandwich fest.

“(Y/N), I love you so much.” Jennie and Jimin said in unison, and the unsettling feeling set back into your system.

A group of nurses and surgeons rolled you into a double door room. It was dim, except for the big spotlight that shined above you. Squinting, you saw the surgical masks that blinked back at you.

“Ready?” Your doctor was smiling behind her mask.

“No.” Your voice trembled from your nerves; your palms slick with sweat. “I want to be okay.”

“And you will be, (Y/N). We’re going to start with the anesthetics and we’ll get everything going. Relax, I’m right here.” She held onto your shaking hand and you stared back up at the bright light.

You felt the drugs enter your system, slowly stripping away your consciousness. You’ve already cried out all night your worries and said a few important goodbyes before the day arrived. The jittery feeling caused your body to shake uncontrollably and you were so terrified. This could mean recovery or death.

And while you hoped for survival, you knew the chances were split between the two options. Death was unavoidable, but to die so early shook your bones. Your dreams have just been memories of past events in your life, reminding you of the life you lived. The life you might soon leave. It was harder to ignore death than it was to wish for recovery.

Once your eyelids fell over your eyes, you’ve never felt more alone in your entire life.

“Would you stop pacing? You’ve been walking back and forth for the past two hours.” Jennie complained.

Jimin stopped in his tracks and narrowed his eyes at her, “I’m nervous.” 

“What happened to ‘it’s going to be fine’ and ‘you don’t need to worry’?” Jennie laughed and Jimin rolled his eyes.

“I can’t help that my body reacts the way it does when I’m the slightest worried. How are you so calm about this? They’re literally cutting her open in that room.” Jimin gestured to the closed doors.

“By not thinking about it like that. I’m thinking about the lovely time I get to spend with my girlfriend when she’s done.” Jennie muttered.

Jimin walked up to her and pointed to his chest, “you mean my girlfriend?”

Hoseok pushed the two apart. “She’s both of your’s. Are you two done making a scene in a hospital?” 

Jimin went over to sit next to Hoseok’s other side, making him stuck in the middle of a not-so-friendly feud. Even though they showed up together for visits, they were incredibly hostile to one another when they were alone. 

They slept in separate beds, Jimin taking over your room and Jennie in her’s. They ate dinner with their own friends and didn’t bother to tell each other about their whereabouts. They mostly spoke to each other in scoffs or groans.

Suddenly, the hallway doors were slammed open and nurses were rushing in a big machine --- a defibrillator.

The three of them stood up, seeing how rushed and hurried the nurses looked. The surgery door opened and a surgeon walked out with sweat dripping down the side of his head. The sound of a flat line heartbeat caught the attention of Jennie.

“Her heart isn’t beating, is it?” She was afraid to hear the answer to her question, her chest rising and falling violently.

Your doctor held the door open for the other nurses and defibrillator. “Her pulse went out, but we’re doing our best. But prepare for the worse.” 

Jennie collapsed onto the floor, bawling. “Holy fuck, we’re going to lose her!” She shouted with heavy tears running down her face. It was like her words pulled Jennie’s heart down to the pit of her stomach. Her whole mind and body were shutting down at the news.

“You have to stay calm, Jen.. we’re in a hospital.” Jimin tried to get her up, but she kept slipping his grasp.

“I don’t care! That’s our girl in there and her heart isn’t beating!” She exclaimed and Hoseok helped with holding her up.

Jimin’s head was in shambles, utterly speechless at what was happening. Hoseok was numb to the news, unaware to how to react. They wanted to stay optimistic, that the defibrillator will work. It had to work. 

“Why don’t you two go outside and get some air? I’ll stay here for any further news. Please... it’s not a suggestion. Go.” Hoseok needed to clear them out before they both stressed him out more than he already was.

Jimin walked Jennie outside. The light breeze clearing their heavy, crazy minds. Jennie was choked up by her tears, constantly wiping at her wet cheeks. Jimin stared at the ground, listening to her sorrows. His heart too heavy to express.

“Aft-er -- everything.. --Jimin --- I’m.. really, truly sorry...--” Jennie had trouble speaking with the endless waterfalls from her eyes.

“--Jen..” Jimin barely got out.

“No.. listen to me first. I’ve felt really guilty about all the rumors. We should’ve never gotten together in the first place, especially with someone like me. I’m known as the campus hoe, right? I can’t hold onto a stable relationship even if I wanted to and now my --- girlfriend --- is-- she’s -- dying.” Jennie cried harder, holding her face in her hands as she slid against the wall and onto the ground.

“I didn’t do anything with Jisoo ever. I don’t know how many more times I need to tell you, but I would never hurt you or (Y/N) like that, especially coming from a place where that has happened to me multiple times. Maybe you’ve always secretly doubted our relationship, considering how we got together through an accidental one night stand.” 

“Through our three months together, I fell head over heels for you, Jimin. I’ll admit it. I liked (Y/N) first, but you had a piece of me I didn’t think I could give to anyone after Taehyung. You’re so open, so understanding, so kind. I’ve never fully gotten the chance to explain myself because you keep shutting me down and every time, I believed that my explanation doesn’t matter. I’ve been devalued my entire life by my partners and sadly, I made myself feel that way with you when you ignored my pleads. But I think now is the best opportunity to tell you because we honestly don’t have anyone else who understands us the way we do. We’re both suffering because our girlfriend is in there not breathing. Our girlfriend, Jimin. I love you and through everything, you’re the one of the only people in this world who knows my struggles.” Jennie held him by the shoulders, so he could look her in the eyes as she gripped onto the only hope left in her life.

Jimin invited her into his arms, holding her tight. He had forgotten why he was upset before. He just wanted to be with his girls. He wished, hoped, prayed that things were back to how they were before the misfortune. 

“I’m sorry for making you feel invalid. I’m sorry for hurting you the way I did.” He admitted and Jennie sobbed harder into his chest.

“It’s okay... -- we’ll --- be...”

“--- Okay?” Jimin finished off and she nodded. 

You couldn’t breathe or move. Your lungs collapsed into your chest and you struggled to supply oxygen to your body. You screamed, but no noise came out and your arms were glued to your side. It was like you were trapped in a motionless body.

Everything was turning fuzzy and a white light blurred your vision. This was it. You were dying. You weren’t sure what realization hit you. Maybe it was the lost of breath and your heart rate slowly declining. Maybe it was the blinding light that caught your attention ahead.

Your memories started flashing before you. Jennie and Jimin flooding your mind. Your eyes scanned for anyone else, but them. However, you were left with scenes of your once perfect relationship.

Your first date night. It was the day you officially joined your partners. Jennie hurried you down to meet Jimin. He was cleaned up nicely, standing all cool against his sleek car. He peered up to see Jennie with the biggest smile on her small face, hand holding yours. 

She told Jimin the news and he was overjoyed, ready to hold you in his arms. He rushed you into the car and it didn’t feel much different than it was when all three of you hung out. The only difference was that you’ve never been more intimate with your best friends. 

Your first kiss. You anxiously sat next to Jimin on the couch during a lazy movie fest you were having with them. He had his arm wrapped around you, twirling the ends of your fingers with his. Your heart beating so fast, being not use to the touching from either of them.

He picked up your chin, knowing that you were distracted. It was an instant spark once your eyes connected and soon, your lips did as well.

Your first ‘I love you’. This moment was one of your favorites. It was Jennie’s birthday and you three were excited for the day ahead. However, a huge storm was rolling in and you were almost home. Jimin insisted in stopping to buy more snacks before rushing back. 

Once you all stepped out from the convenience store, it was showering, pouring heavy amounts of rain. Jennie, you and Jimin were drenched within seconds of going outside. Your plastic bags filled up an inch with collected water. Jimin’s leather seats in his car pooled with rain. All three of you laughed with glee as you marveled the escape from the wet mess.

And you suddenly stopped to admire the way Jimin’s eyes disappeared cutely and how Jennie’s nose scrunched up, her adorable snort catching your attention. In the midst of their happiness, you blurted out, “I love you two.”

The news of your mother’s wedding. An invitation was addressed to you. It had pretty cursive handwriting and a beautiful design. It was a wedding for your mom and her boyfriend, inviting you to join them for an evening of unity. You weren’t aware of them even being engaged, let alone a marriage. 

Jennie and Jimin never mentioned your mom, knowing you didn’t like pressing on too much about her. Their initial reaction was for you to go, until you explained that you didn’t even know she was getting married. You had crumpled up the invitation and threw it away in the trash.

Jennie consoled you, reassuring you that it was perfectly fine that you don’t attend. While you sulked in the living room, they approached you with the idea of still giving your mom a gift to congratulate her. It showed that you were the bigger person and that you acknowledge her efforts. They made you a better you.

Throughout every flashback, and every memory, your heart was searching for something beyond them, an image that wasn’t them. You laid there, dying, and all you saw was your girlfriend and your boyfriend. There had to be more than that and your heart was looking, waiting, for any other memories to surface. 

But nothing. It was only them and you couldn’t help, but feel a little disappointed. For the last few years of your life, you’ve revolved your entire world around these two people. You’re alone, not because you’re not social, but because you chose to focus all of your efforts into your relationship. And as you slowly lost sense of your consciousness, you became regretful about how you lived.

You heard distant voices, “1, 2, 3!” and you slowly opened your eyes. There was a rush of air that filled your lungs. Your vision adjusted to the bright spotlight and the many surgical masks above you. 

“She’s awake! We got her pulse!” They cheered and one of the nurses pulled down his mask.

“You’re going to be okay, Ms. (Y/N). The surgery was a success.” He smiled and you nodded, reaching for his hand to hold to make sure it was your reality. 

“We’re going to move you to your recovery room now, but you did really well.” The young nurse cheered with so much excitement, there were tears in his eyes. He was a complete stranger that just saved your life, yet he was even crying for you.

“T-Than-k yo-u.” You barely made out and he patted your shoulder. You shut your eyes again and felt the bed move and the voice of Hoseok calling after you as natural light hit your eyelids.

Several hours after the surgery and going over the post-surgery care, you carefully sat up in bed. Hoseok had to leave, but the two stayed. Jennie held onto you tighly, and Jimin blinked at you with stars in his eyes. But the thought you had while you were close to death never left your mind. 

“There is something I need to talk to you about.” You began, and Jimin and Jennie shared glances. “There was a lot to think about when I went under, my heart stopped for a few minutes and I was so close to my death. All I saw were our memories. I saw you two, but... something inside of me longed for something else, something more.” 

“If it’s not the three of us, then I don’t want to be in an individual relationship with either of you. That would mean making me choose and I don’t love one more than the other. It’s either both of you or neither. I will always love you two with all that my heart has to offer, but my life is so valuable and I need someone who is going to recognize that. I realized that the best for us is that there simply is no us. I love you both so much, I really do, but right now is not the right time. I’ll never forget us. ”

“Jennie, you were the first girl I love. Jimin, you were the first boy I love. But throughout it all, I won’t try to remember us. Maybe we’ll realize each other’s worth once we’re ready for it and we’ll be new people when we meet again.”

Jennie didn’t let go of your hand, instead, she nodded to every single word that you poured from your heart. “If that’s what you think is the best option for us, then I’ll accept your decision.” She agreed and no longer shed any more tears. She knew it was for the better, even if it did break her heart.

With a turn of events, Jimin was actually the one crying this time. Jimin’s tears spilled down his plump, supple cheeks. It was difficult for him to talk.. it was difficult for him to express how he felt in general. “I felt so regretful because I thought I was going to lose you forever when I was ready to trade my life for your’s. I’m just happy you’re alive and breathing. I respect your decision and I think that you’ll always know what’s best for us three.” 

Your heart was healing, bit by bit. The shock of almost death woke you up and you no longer wanted to be trapped in something that didn’t seem to work out well anymore. It was time for an end. It was time for change and you were more than thankful to have Jennie and Jimin, who loved you so much, they were willing to let you go and live life with no more regrets. 

Jennie smiled before gently kissing your hand, “I’m unsure how long me and Jimin would’ve lasted without you, but we were two people who fell out of love for each other, but back in love through you. I want you to know that even though you felt like you didn’t belong in our relationship, you were actually the connection between us. You were the reason there was an us.”

It was an epiphany ---- you were not the outlier in the relationship. You were the core center. Jennie and Jimin were more than thankful to have you in their lives, who loved them so much, that you were willing to look past their differences and to fight through every trial. 

“You were the reason there was an us.” That single line replayed in your thoughts, in a constant loop. And you smiled at Jimin and Jennie, the monitor beeping being the only noise in the room.

“I love you both, don’t you ever forget that.” 

[alien-bodies]

Oversharing Time!!!

(i just made that title up that’s not the official title I’m just Like That)

Ok so @frogyell​ tagged my main account (I am BLEST) but that’s for Refined Star Trek Content and this one’s for excellent moodboard content and garbage so here’s the garbage!!! I’m putting it under a cut bc it manipulates your brain to want to read through 85 fuckin facts about me more wow I love science

rules: answer these 85 statements about yourself, then tag 20 people.

1. last drink: Water! off to a great start

2. last phone call: my local Hot Topic. I feel like I should also mention I work there. But if you don’t know that and steal my phone you’ll see I have a contact named Hot Topic

3. last text message: Google sent me a verification code, but the last one I sent was to my brother it says “k”

4. last song you listened to: It’s called The Horror Of Your Love by Ludo, if I had to delete all but one song on my 121-song Best Enemies playlist I’d keep this one it’s Peak and kinda has vore but it’s metaphorical. metavoreical, if you will

5. time you cried: during my latest EMDR sesh! I was in Wales and everything it was a Lot I got ice cream after

6. dated someone twice? Big No

7. kissed someone and regretted it? Not really?

8. been cheated on? my ex had 16 anime dating sims downloaded at one point while we were dating does that count

9. lost someone special? yea

10. been depressed? hella

11. gotten drunk and thrown up? I’ve been drunk 1 time and it was when I was playing English handbells at my dad’s church’s wassail night but I did not throw up no

fave colors

12. Black

13. Lavendar

14. Light blue

in the last year have you…

15. made new friends? Hell Yell!!

16. fallen out of love? k i n d a ? ?

17. laughed until you cried? oh absolutely

18. found out someone was talking about you? OH BOY YUP YUP

19. met someone who changed you? yes! she managed to physically alter my hippocampus without touching it how fuckign whack is that

20. found out who your friends are? It’s always the same miraculous group chat

21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list? sure have

general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl? I keep it nice and refined so all of them. My old account is another story

23. do you have any pets? one beautiful and talented cat named Moriarty. A good description is she’s got puppy software on cat hardware.

24. do you want to change your name? listen I’ve been through 4.5 of these fuckers, I like Nate, I’m Quite Finished

25. what did you do for your last birthday? invited 2 pals over, I remember one of them suddenly whipped out I Am The Doctor and the Dr Who theme on the piano out of fuckin nowhere and I was like “Daniel what the hell you’re so talented” and then I hardcore dissociated the rest of the day

26. what time did you wake up today? 10:00

27. what were you doing at midnight last night? chatting w @houseofoakdown​ and also editing my monstrosity of a fanfiction

28. what is something you cant wait for? Going back to school! then I can graduate in my pajamas and eat creamed corn in celebration

30. what are you listening to right now? the same goddamn playlist, this one’s called Battle Cry by The Family Crest, i cri erytiem

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom? probably???

32. something thats getting on your nerves? my brother vaping in the bathroom with the fan on at 12:30am

33. most visited website: tungle dot hell

34. hair color: I started out blonde af now I’m less blonde but still blonde.

35. long or short hair: short

36. do you have a crush on someone: :[] yes

37. what do you like about yourself: i’m hella smart, my moodboards are bangin, my writing is cool af, I’m well-hydrated at all times

38. want any piercings? Big No

39. blood type: A+!!!!! thats me!!!!!

40. nicknames: my brother calls me a goon sometimes

41. relationship status: im married to my laptop

42. zodiac: I was born on the last day of Taurus so I’m a definite Taurus/Gemini power combo

43. pronouns: they/them, tho in some places I use he/him bc The Dysphoria got hog wild enough I decided to pretend to be a trans guy so ppl would take me seriously, but I’m moving more towards they/them everywhere now. 

44. fave tv shows: Dr Fuck, Sherlock (I’m armed with a pitchfork and an arsenal of beefed up tv & film knowledge come on fight me), DOWNTON ABBEY

45. tattoos: in August I will get a bee on my right arm and probably a Secret Word in Gallifreyan on my left it’ll say fuck

46. right or left handed: one time I was bored in grade 10 and tried to make myself ambidextrous but that was a hassle so I’m firmly right handed. Except in archery.

47. ever had surgery: got all 4 wisom teeth out not long ago! I still need to squirt water in my gum holes so I get all the mushy food out :{

48. piercings: I used to have my ears pierced but they’re grown tf over now!

49. sport: first of all what the hell is this question looking for second of all I have a red belt (which is 2 below black belt) in Taekwondo. I really need to do that again hhhhhh

50. vacation: i went to England and France in the summer with my family as a “””grad trip”””, it was lots of fun but my collection of sensory issues extended to chomping and I dissociated so intensely in The Louvre my mom told me to go back outside so I wrote fanfiction while listening to 21 Pilots and chatting w my imaginary friends and it took me like 18 hours to process I’d seen The Mona Lisa with mine own 2 eyes. Also the plane was delayed twice bc we used Air Canada for some godforsaken reason and I had 0 hours of sleep when I went to the Sherlock Holmes museum and I started talkin to this bust of Sherlock Holmes and then I hadn’t eaten enough and we were walking to this bookstore and I said “I need food!” and my dad said “We’ll get it AFTER” then I shouted “I’M GONNA DIE” so I got a BLT from Tesco. 

51. trainers: h

more general

52. eating: the last thing I ate was chocolate chips straight out of the bag

53. drinking: I got another cup of water

54. im about to watch: my entire fanfiction to take 3000 notes on consistency. and by watch I mean read

55. waiting for: my brother (not vaping) to get out of the bathroom so I can PEE

56. want: Orphan Black to be on Netflix so I can actually binge watch it then call my grandma about it

57. get married: idk I didn’t think I was a get married person but since realizing I’m a lesbian it seems like a good idea!

58. career: nurse and a writer. I might just move to London and work double time to write enough scripts I have some street cred then pitch a TV adaptation of Faction Paradox to the BBC and win

which is better

59. hugs or kisses: hugs bc it means my friends are in my vicinity not Toronto

60. lips or eyes: uh. eyes???????????

61. shorter or taller: i’m 5′3″ and I would love a tol partner

62. older or younger: i don’t think I care

63. nice arms or stomach: what fresh hell does this mean. I’d like a nice stomach free of gastrointestinal issues and acid reflux. not that I have either of those but just in case

64. hookup or relationship: I have 300 many self-esteem issues so imma say relationship

65. troublemaker or hesitant: AU where I don’t have anxiety and I’m a trouble maker

have you ever

66. kissed a stranger: noop

67. drank hard liquor: I PUT RUM IN THE WASSAIL HELL YEAH also once someone bought me a shot at a queer dance thing bc it was payday and my friend told me to gulp the WHOLE SHOT and then the lemonade so I don’t barf and I was like “brah this is too high-stakes” so I poured the vodka in the lemonade and took sips and everyone stared at me

68. lost glasses: in grade 6 and then my mom threatened to make me wear one of those granny glasses chains so I never lost them again

69. turned someone down: ya this kid Cyrus used to chase me around in grade 5 and I’d run away always he was weird af one time he made out with a folder right in front of me in the middle of class

70. sex on first date: probs not at this point but I’m not opposed to the general idea when I’m less w h a c k e d  u p

71. broken someones heart: Not that I know of?

72. had your heart broken: c o n s i s t e n t l y in the most fricked up ways god

73. been arrested: no but once I booed at the police bc the local nazis (yeah) were gonna have a rally so we had a counter-rally and I dropped in but there were no nazis except one old dude in a MAGA hat showed up 2 hours late lmao

74. cried when someone died: oui

75. fallen for a friend: Big Lesbian Mood

do you believe in

76. yourself: YA BB

77. miracles: not as such

78. love at first sight: nah

79. santa claus: I wasn’t allowed to believe in Santa as a child bc he was “too much like God” sad

80. kiss on a first date: ye!

81. angels: big no

other

82. best friend’s name: I don’t exactly have a proper best friend but I’m goin with Liam

83. eye colour: blue/grey

84. fave movie: either The Force Awakens (bc I love bb8 and I’m gay 4 Rey) or Interstellar shut up

85. fave actor: uh idk let’s go with my brother

WOW THAT WAS LONG JEE🅱️US. I’m tagging @houseofoakdown @spoonietimelordy @gemvictorfromtheponyverse @spockswhales @raesand and that exhausts the ppl I know but you’re all worth quadruple in my heart 💖

[rapierdagger]

92 truths tag

rules: once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 92 truths about you. at the end choose 25 people to be tagged.

tagged by @yin-and-yang0 thanks!

LAST:

drink: water

phone call: my mum

text message: just something from the mobile provider company - i barely use text tbh

song you listened to: can’t remember

time you cried: does coughing until tears are pouring down your face count, bc if so, last night. if we mean like emotionally, probably a couple of days ago

HAVE YOU EVER:

dated someone twice: no

been cheated on: no. i mean i’ve never been in a relationship so that’s impossible

kissed someone and regretted it: no

lost someone special: yes

been depressed: god yes

been drunk and thrown up: nah, i’m a sleepy drunk so when i’ve had too much i just fall asleep before i can get to the point where i would vomit

IN THE PAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

made a new friend: yes!

fallen out of love: never been in love to begin with

laughed until you cried: no

met someone who changed you: idk maybe... i don’t feel like other people change me much

found out who your true friends are: i’d have to have friends for that

found out someone was talking about you: yes

GENERAL:

how many people on tumblr do you know in real life?: 5?

do you have any pets?: one lovely dog

do you want to change your name?: maybe

what time did you wake up this morning?: 7am, then dozed til 8am

what were you doing last night?: writing this essay

name something you cannot wait for: the end of term so i can catch up on sleep

have you ever talked to a person named tom?: yes

what’s getting on your nerves right now?: loud construction noises outside my room

blood type: idk

nickname: none, give me one if you like

relationship status: i want a gf

zodiac sign: pisces

pronouns: she/they

favourite show: idk if i could pick an all time fav, if anime counts then maybe fma, and i’m bingewatching rpdr right now

college: i’d prefer not to disclose it publicly but if you were following me on my old blog over a year ago, you might remember me freaking out over getting my acceptance letter (and if we’re mutuals and you’re dying of curiosity you can ask me privately)

hair color: light/golden brown

do you have a crush on someone: yes! this girl at uni

what do you like about yourself: not very much

FIRSTS:

first surgery: never had surgery

first piercing: never had a piercing

first sport you joined: probably swimming

first vacation: australia, to visit my family there. i was actually like exactly the minimum age babies are allowed to fly at

first pair of sneakers: how would i remember that

RIGHT NOW:

eating: nothing

drinking: water

i’m about to: submit this essay

listening to: sawbones

want kids: god no

get married: maybe

career: yes! but it has to be like, something meaningful, where i can actually impact people's lives and the world for the better, and not just trying to earn as much ££ as possible

WHICH IS BETTER:

lips or eyes: both are great

hugs or kisses: both are great again

shorter or taller: idc

older or younger: in general, idc. if we’re talking romantically then right now older, just because i feel like i’ve matured so much since coming to uni and seeing as 17 year olds don’t really go to uni outside of exceptional circumstances, even that one year age gap would probably mean a much larger experience gap

romantic or spontaneous: these aren't opposites?

sensitive or loud: bit of both but more sensitive

hookup or relationship: relationship

troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER:

kissed a stranger: sort of yes? i mean i'd consider her more of an acquaintance at the time since we chatted for hours first, but i guess we had just met

drank hard liquor: yes

lost contacts/glasses: don't wear them

sex on first date: no

broken someone’s heart: yes? sort of?

been arrested: no

turned someone down: yes

fallen for a friend: maaaaybe... probably....

DO YOU BELIEVE:

in yourself: lmaooo no

miracles: no

love at first sight: no

i’ve done this before so i’m not going to tag anyone bc i’d probably tag the same people and annoy them

[chalcedonywaves]

tagged by @realbensolo

the last

drink: water

phone call: my mom, calling to discuss the sudden torrential downpour (we live in central Arizona where this is an Event)

text message: “she looks as awkward as ever”

song you listened to: friday i’m in love

time you cried: two weeks ago while withdrawing from Lexapro

dated someone twice: no

kissed someone and regretted it: that was awhile ago. i have this thing now where i only do the side-hug on first dates and there isn’t usually a second because they’re clingy and/or weird

been cheated on: no

lost someone special: my great aunt Marie from Pasadena, who was the most righteous old lady i ever knew and even after getting dementia still had her 7&7 at cocktail hour every day

been depressed: i have Depression

gotten drunk and thrown up: not since july 4th of 2015, after copious amounts of sushi (i do NOT recommend this)

three favourite colours

Hot pink

Black

Turquoise

in the last year have you

made new friends: yes

fallen out of love: no

laughed until you cried: yes

found out someone was talking about you: of course, i attract the attention of a number of exceptionally pathetic young women with no lives outside TV show fandoms for some reason

met someone who changed you: one of my roller derby coaches who seriously took the time to listen to my concerns about my health and the sport

found out who your friends are: yes

kissed someone on your facebook list: no

general

how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life? most of them since i remade as a roller derby only account. the only ones i don’t know are a couple of dudes, one of whom is the husband of a gal who didn’t friend me back (uh oh spaghetti-os)

do you have any pets? a black cat named Barnabas who i usually refer to as demon seed or dumb wiener cat

do you want to change your name? not anymore. i had to grow into it

what did you do for your last birthday? i actually spent it at a roller derby bout. the day before my mom took me to p.f. chang’s for dinner

what time did you wake up? around 3am (yay for Wellbutrin!)

what were you doing at midnight last night? sleeping

name something you can’t wait for: the last jedi, my upcoming trip to austin with @realbensolo

when was the last time you saw your mum: this morning

what are you listening to right now? the simpsons episode “bart gets an elephant”

have you ever talked to a person named tom? my great uncle Tom

something that is getting on your nerves: sw fandom, my job, my dumb compulsive behaviors

most visited website: twitter

hair colour: dark strawberry blonde

long or short hair: i prefer it longer, but it’s short right now because i’m trying to grow out this drastic asymmetrical cut from last year

do you have a crush on someone? not really, though i like to entertain the idea that this bearded guy in my office is into me

what do you like about yourself? i’m a Deep Thinker. my seventh grade homeroom teacher said so

piercings: just earlobes, but i might get a daith in a couple weeks

blood type: AB+

nickname: vic, vicki (you aren’t allowed to call me that unless you’ve known me prior to 1996)

relationship status: single

zodiac: taurus

pronouns: she/her

favourite tv show(s): the office, the simpsons (only up through season 8), daria

tattoos: six, four of which are symmetrical

right or left handed: right

surgery: n/a

sport: ROLLER DERBY

vacation: i grew up in AZ which means most vacations were California and later, Vegas, and i actually didn’t travel much until i joined the military. i occasionally get to Colorado to visit my dad. there are like five places i want to go in the US next year but my real dream vacays are Ireland and Germany.

pair of trainers: i have a pair of black and lavender fold-over chuck taylors that i can’t bring myself to get rid of

more general

eating: Green & Black dark chocolate

drinking: water

i’m about to: attempt homework :///

waiting for: the opportunity to live on my own without having to support my folks financially

want: a better paying job

get married: that’s a biiiiiiiiig if

career: what i currently have is what i would categorize as a job, not a career. the concept of a lifelong career is beyond me since i tend to get bored as hell with a job after 3-4 years. that said i am angling to be a teacher, but that might still change

which is better?

hugs or kisses: hugs

lips or eyes: eyes

shorter or taller: i’m very into the tall guy short girl aesthetic, but being a tall girl, am personally into very tall guys (6′ or taller)

older or younger: same age or older. i don’t mess with younger dudes anymore. i learned that lesson the hard way

nice arms or nice stomach: ARMS. SEE DRIVER, ADAM

hookup or relationship: relationship

troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

have you ever

kissed a stranger: yes

drank hard liquor: yes

lose glasses/contact lenses: very expensive sunglasses

turned someone down: yes

sex on the first date: not anymore

had your heart broken: yes

been arrested: nope

cried when someone died: yes

fallen for a friend: a couple of times

do you believe in

yourself: i have my moments

miracles: I BELIEVE IN MIRACLES, DON’T YOU? NA NA NA NA NA NA NANANANA man DDR was full of bangers

love at first sight: i’m demiromantic

santa claus: until i was seven and i found the previous year’s wrapping paper in the closet

kiss on the first date: only if i’m really feeling it

angels: i like the idea

other

eye colour: blue-green

favourite movie: a new hope, beetlejuice, frances ha

Tagging: @aeschars @mnemehoshiko and idk i haven’t done one of these in years so whoever else wants to jump in :D

[v1ntagecassette]

I’ve been tagged yet again!

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, write 92 truths about yourself. then tag 25 other people (ahaha I’m only doing like two). I was tagged by the magnificent @ghostsgaysandgerardway whose blog you should check out immediately. (I also screwed up the formatting a bit, so apologies for that.)

LAST 1) Drink: Water, because I live on the wild side 2) Phone call: Probably my mom? 3) Text message: To my friend Bucky  4) Song listened to: "This is Gospel” (the piano version) by Panic! at the Disco 5) Time you cried: A week or two ago  HAVE YOU EVER 6) Dated somebody twice: No 7) Been cheated on: Nope 8) Kissed someone and regretted it: You act as though I’ve ever dated 9) Lost someone special: Indeed 10) Been depressed: Not as far as I know? 11) Gotten drunk and puked: Not legally allowed to drink and don’t want to THREE FAVORITE COLORS 

12) Blue 13) Black 14) A brighter shade of blue IN THE LAST YEAR YOU HAVE

15) Made new friends: Yes 16) Falling out of love: Nope 17) Laughed until you cried: Definitely 18) Found out someone was gossiping about you: Nope 19) Met someone who changed your life: Heck yeah 20) Found out who your true friends are: Yep 21) Kissed someone on your Facebook list: What does this even mean? HOW MANY/MUCH 22) Facebook friends: My parents? I haven’t used it since I was like twelve 23) Pets: A very fluffy cat who knows how to roll over 24) Want to change your name: Nope, but I love nicknames 25) Did I get for my birthday: My birthday’s not for a few weeks 26) Time I woke up: 6:12 am 27) Doing at midnight: Sleeping (or watching YouTube) 28) Can’t wait for: The school musical, my birthday, John Green’s new book 29) Last time I saw my mom: About thirty seconds ago 30) Something you wish you could change about your life: Idk man 31) Listening to right now: My brother’s “Practice Your Violin” alarm 32) What gets on your nerves?: Jerks 33) Talked to a person named Tom: Yep, my friend’s dad 34) Most visited website: YouTube (but tumblr’s a close second) 35) Elementary school/primary school: I thought I was cool but I was just obnoxious 36) High School: I’m just a hot mess honestly don’t look at me what even is socialization 37) College: No freaking idea, I’m trying to ignore it until I have no time left 38) Hair colour: Dark brownish black 39) Long/short hair: Super short 40) Crush: ,,,,also my friend,,,, 41) Do you like about yourself: Umm??? I guess I’m good at writing and my eyes are kind of cool in the right light 42) Piercings: Just earrings 43) Blood type: No idea, I should probably find that out in case I get hit by a bus or something 44) Nickname: Cas 45) Relationship status: Sort of in one and I have no idea what to call it but I like it 46) Zodiac: Aries 47) Pronouns: She/her, but I roleplay so much that I’ll respond to anything 48) Favorite show: Supernatural  49) Tattoos: I’d like a small nerdy one but I’ve got a pretty low pain tolerance 50) Left or right handed: Right FIRST 51) Surgery: I’ve never had one 52) Piercings: Ears when I was eight 53) Best friend: A girl named Grace whose face I screamed in on the first day of preschool. We wound up painting together somehow 54) Sport: Probably soccer 55) Vacation: First ever? Probably either Florida or New Hampshire 56) Pair of shoes: Those cute little baby shoes that you find in the size -2 section of Target RIGHT NOW

57) Eating: I just had an Oreo 58) Drinking: Nothing at the moment 59) I am about to: Play ukulele (poorly) 60) Listening to: The vwshhhHHHH sound my laptop makes 61) Waiting for: Saturday  62) Want to see: Something interesting 63) Want to get married: Maybe? 64) Career: I’d love to write or sing or act or do literally anything other than sit in an office and want to die.

WHICH IS BETTER 65) Hugs/kisses: Huge fan of hugs, but I’ve never been kissed  66) Lips/eyes: Eyes  67) Taller/shorter: Ummm taller 68) Younger/older: Idk man

69) Romantic/spontaneous: No idea 70) Nice arms/nice stomach: I’ve never found either of these particularly nice  71) Sensitive/loud: Sensitive 72) Hookup/relationship: Relationship 73) Troublemaker/hesitant: Idk  HAVE YOU EVER

74) Kissed a stranger: Nope 75) Drank hard liquor: N o p e 76) Lost glasses/contact lenses: Only for a few hours 77) Turned someone down: Not as far as I know 78) Canoodling on a first date: Never had a first date 79) Broken someone’s heart: I don’t think so 80) Had your own heart broken: No 81) Been arrested: How much trouble do y’all think I get into 82) Cried when someone died: Definitely 83) Fallen for a friend: ,,,,yes,,, DO YOU BELIEVE IN 84) Yourself: Sometimes 85) Miracles: Maybe? 86) Santa Claus: I like to pretend I do  87) Kisses on a first date: Depends on who it is 88) Angels: Sure 89) Love at first sight: Idk, sort of? OTHER 90) Best friend’s name: Bucky 91) Eye colour: Hazel (green on the outside, brown in the middle) 92) Favorite movie: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, probably

I tag @confusedbean01, @everyusernameithoughtofwastaken, and @muchfangirlveryregret