#but with the way ive been struggling lately
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Audhd
#i know the doctors once said i had adhd but whatever meds trhey put me on didnt help and i went off it#later in life i was diagnosed autistic (one of the lucky times my mom listened to me)#it hasnt helped but at least i know i ahve that much#but with the way ive been struggling lately#the specific WAYS in which ive been struggling#scatterbrained a slightly foggy head forgetting things that just happened only to remember seconds later and most of all i cant focus#i cant focus on art at all#like i can maybe get myself to work on it for a few seconds then im distracted again#oi sit here staring at my computer for hours DAYS on end doing nothing#i get up every few seconds and just pace around the house because im understimulated#and yet ic ant work on art#i got all these wips and i got my whole story that i really really want to do my whole ask blog#i FINALLY reach 100 followers and even thats not enough to get me out of hiatus#i wanna try adhd meds see if they help. different ones than i tried before#i wanna know if i actually have adhd or if its just autism#i wanna know whats going on in my head because frankly i have no fucking idea anymore#that plus the constant CONSTANT digestive issues i have with no exact cause and no apparently solutions that ive tried its just a cluster
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#someone should e-turtle sunshine of the spotless mind him <3
PLEASE WRITE THAT?
listen ... im just thinking about the scenes in CL they DIDN'T get to see. how do you think raph would feel seeing donnie call for him on the laundry room floor
#ask#canary continuity#the closet. his babbled apologies to shelldon after raph crushes him#his first attempt ... HIS TIME AT APRIL'S#and also the fact that they can only watch. maybe it would help process those helpless feelings they have in the aftermath of the curse#because this is what it would ACTUALLY feel like if they had remorse. in so many ways the curse wasnt them#it did turn them into unrecognizable monsters and this is living proof of that#for raph especially. it's something he still struggles to process#anyways anon your enthusiasm is heard and i dont know if i WILL. but i think it's an interesting idea#ive been so fucked up lately i might not be able to
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Jimmy killing himself because he knows he is incapable of living an life without Curly and knows that in the miracle chance they were found and saved they would not let him have contact with Curly and he hates the idea he'd actually have to take responsibility.
Even if he lied, its only a matter of time before Curly is capable of showing or telling what a monster he really is, no matter what delusions tell Jimmy Curly would never do that to him.
He understands that he was the monster in everyone's worse moments but refused to accept that at the end. So he made sure that he died without the possibility of it being actualized as he's the only one that saw death as an escape rather than a release. Jimmy truly didn't believe Curly had anything to escape from even after everything and let him have what he perceived as glory as the sole survivor and thus Captain of the Tulpar.
#like he goes from knowing the the system in place ergo Curly will protect him from consequence even if unitentionally at first which#motivates him to take the measures he does but when that system also loses the ability to effectively stop him he drags the corpse around#like a memento of what he's achieved that slowly warps into a worship as he realizes how much it actually did and that even he struggles#without it cause i believe in light of the crash that the thought of losing Curly's unwavering support because he'd eventually protect Anya#over him when Curly's head was yanked from the clouds at either the baby's birth or just the way he was slowly putting things together as#the big picture became less appealing to look at like Curly was slowly realizing it and i think he knew at the crash scene but it was too#late if he stopped Jimmy or the crash their relationship would've forever been changed by the revalation and part of me wants like a dlc#spin off that deals with some psychological metaphorical horror dealing with that but also like I need jimmy dead.#then again none of this is new or even unique ive seen this explained but i also dont think its addressed that Jimmy's refusal to take#responsibility with Anya avoiding it A N D his envious codependency of Curly made him crash the Tulpar as there was not a way he could fix#the what he did to Anya in his mind without getting rid of her and or the pregnancy in a way that Curly wouldn't leave him and thats so#important like he only viewed Anya through his relationship with Curly and hed rather die than acknowledge her as a person and his assult#on her as something that could realistically get in the way of their relationship and taking advantage of it.#mouthwashing#mouthwashing game#jimmy mouthwashing#i hate talking about this dick fuck but he also is like being fascinated by a venomous spider like stay away but i will study you
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Suffocated soul Strangled from the day it was born Would do anything to survive Would do anything to breathe without hurting
#fear and hunger#f&h#fear and hunger termina#funger termina#funger#fear and hunger henryk#f&h henryk#henryk klimkov#I am SO NORMAL about him#idk ive just been relating lately a lot#the inability to be you... forcing yourself to drown anything about yourself that may be seen as wrong#just drifting through life. accepting things as they are. not really being alive.#the way its an already suffocated soul. not suffocating. never allowed to struggle in the first place. already born blue#its so fucked up he was never given a chance#its so fucked up that the only time he tries to defy this destiny by standing up for whats right he gets killed in seconds#hes so tragic yall dont get it. so tragic in the most mundane way
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Recently with having seen Chapter 3 and 4 of Deltarune come out, and seeing people's more analytical takes on the characters, how they respond to certain situations because of who they are and what they've experienced, I've come to ask myself a lot more: What would the world be like if we gave others the same courtesy, the same benefit of doubt that we give to fictional characters?
I see these takes on Susie especially, a troubled child who is typically seen as "bad" by the general public within the game, but beloved by players for who she truly is. Someone who feels the need to bottle much of herself away to gain the approval of authority figures she looks up to like Toriel, but is otherwise outwardly abrasive, even if not ill-intentioned.
Would we give someone like that in real life the same benefit of the doubt? If we were slammed into a locker by someone who was considered the class outcast, would we ever come to give them the benefit of the doubt? Would we come to love someone who hurt us because they too hurt? Would we forgive? Or do we only feel such positive associations because we're looking through the eyes of a heart, and not our own? That we get to see this character development play out of its own accord, and go "its okay, she's good now, she's our friend" because we get to peer into so much of her life. Because it gives context, an excuse, a reason, whatever you may like to call it. Something to give the pain meaning. So what of the people we pass every day? What of the "weird kid" in school who gets bullied? What of the adult that doesnt always make the best decisions, but still ultimately cares? What of the friend who doesnt know any better, but is still trying? What of all of those that we don't get to see from an outer perspective, that we don't always get to know on a personal level. That we may never meet again. Are we ever going to be willing to give that same sort of analysis, compassion, and forgiveness to those that we DONT see? Would you truly ever forgive someone who hurt you for having the best intentions in mind?
#deltarune#this is a really long mostly meaningless ramble thats like halfway a vent#because ive been seeing a lot of analysis on the game lately#and i often think to myself#people on the internet are more compassionate to the very real struggles of these fictional characters than they are to their fellow person#i think to myself that if many of these characters existed in real life. these same people would not be so kind#that in real life our idea of 'Susie' would be treated far worse by us#i struggle a lot with similar things. i too feel the need to reserve myself to get others approval often#and when i feel like im losing it i lash out or shut down#that no matter how much i try. it feels like its just never enough. that any slip up could make me lose everything i hold dear#we dont know the lives of others but we do know the lives of these characters#and most will never consider this barrier of understanding with those around them in the same way that they will for their fav
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...yeah

#I fuckin hate how aaron turnrf out here#anyways this started out as “omg i want to draw trans ein”#then i went hmm how do i do that#then i rhought of aarons outfit showing his chest then the idea of an outfit swap came ip and baby me loved aaron x ein so... yeah...#anyways j cannot stand aaron here but its too late now#he doenst fit the style at all he annoys me ughhh#oh i forgot what i was sauknh anyways part way through my brain was like. you should just go full in cringe sparkledog and all#oh also it got squishes a lot by the style but aarons bracelet is trans flag cause hes trans too#anyways whats the ship hame for these guys???#ein x aaron#einron#aarein#idk mann#aphmau#ein aphmau#ein mystreet#leopard geeko#lizardly art#ive been sick lately so this is like. rever dream shit going on#edit: but also god help me u struggle posting fandom so mucu cause what if ppl view my opinions of character as wrong what if im too cringe#what if im uncomfortable#like i persist anyways but oh my gosh it scary#i forgot to tag aaron#aaron
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I had a thought, Flycatcher probably reaaaally loves to swim! Cause frogs :] I imagined him really liking pools and lakes and ponds, basically anywhere that you can get your toes wet
Odette doesn't really like swimming, she's kinda scared of the water, but she likes looking at it! And of course she likes to dance near it so they can watch each other in their element > u <
#jane journals#self insert talk#🐸 hop into my heart 🐸#im working on some new art thats really gonna knock some socks off methinks#i just need to give it that extra bit of pizzazz!! its missing something i gotta look up some lighting techniques#and im too tired to continue it tonight so i get random post 🤗#tomorrow? who knows#ive been getting a lot of frog tiktoks lately too#the one where a frog gets into someones used car oil and you can see its struggle to find a way out of the garage KILLS me 😂😂😂
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something really cathartic about having a crisis about how im so slow to catch up with peers and im not making projects like im some sort of creative factory and whats wrong with me and then i remember i have severe depression and need to take care of that to the best of my abilities first
something about that. really helped me feel a bit better. like oh. im not a failure. i just need help.
#my text#sometimes you just need to remember you arent a failure. youre just struggling#anyways im gonna try and walk almost every day and if not try to do exercise daily other ways#i cant really go to therapy or be medicated until i get into my job field so im gonna look for other ways to help for now#sorry ive been a mess lately. i have many mental illnesses and many irl things going on that fucked me over
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self indulgent perhaps but i like to imagine there were at least a handful of people that used to crush on yingxing back in the day. but it's not that friend crush type of thing. it's more of admiration mixed with annoyance because he is oh so infuriatingly arrogant and all but he's also so strong and handsome and beautiful and
#ooc.#i don't talk enough about yingxing but#i do have some thoughts about him#his lavender eyes and the black hair that gradually turned white#the smile wrinkles and all#charming craftsman stunning artisan#plus i think his dedication to his craft would be a big +#anyway hello ive been struggling to write as of late#i think i am going to focus on my inbox before i even look at my drafts#i also think i do better with semi-plotted things#so i think maybe i'll make a plotting call#not necessarily to plot but to at least get an idea of what we wanna do#it gives me more inspo that way#i dont need to talk to people on a daily basis but#just some conversation to put us on the same page would help#because i'm feeling a bit lost rn ngl
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Been thinking about idw1's outliers lately, and how sort of wild the whole concept is from a worldbuilding standpoint, and it struck me that most confirmed outlier abilities tend to be really useful, or flashy, or powerfully dangerous, and few to none tend to be like, really boring, or totally impractical, or even entirely useless? Which, doesn't really make sense when considering the fact that outlier abilities are seemingly random.
Surely not everyone who's born an outlier gets something useful?
And I don't mean like, "good" useful, but any sort of useful, even if that means you can kill people with your voice, or give a power boost by exploding yourself, those are still "useful".
But surely there had to be some with abilities that were totally impractical, or nonbeneficial, or at the very least just insignificant or purely aesthetic and pointless?
#mods. enhancements. and artificial outlier abilities are a different thing. with plenty of room for error and drawbacks#but being born inherently an outlier by the sheer whim of. idfk. primus or the planet itself. what's the chances there???#this definitely has to have been discussed before. i'm just too lazy to dig for it rn. but yeah. its a fascinating concept either way#idw transformers#tf idw1#mtmte#lost light#maccadam#maybe thundercracker's sonic booms count. but those have some use. also its funky. so he gets a pass i think#i had more thoughts about this earlier when i first jotted the thought down. but ive forgotten them now >:/#basically its just funny to think of like. shockwaves school and all. going around like ''what can you do?''#and you've got the group we see in the flashback. and then like. some guy whos like ''...i can change the color of energon''#or like. ''i can float! but only like... three inches off the ground''#i cant think of every example. but go down a list of useless superpowers and there ya go#omg. wait. if rewinds whole color changing deal was legitimately a outlier thing. i guess he would count#also. in a similar vein. its really funny to think of outlier abilities as like. stats and stuff? plus 1 to so and so but negative 1 to etc#so abilities had a sort of cost. this is smth ive seen here and there in fics and stuff. and its great.#but its sorta funny to think of working in the opposite way too#take misfire as an example. bcs its funny. negative boost to aiming. but positive boost to evasion#less of a chance to hit smth. but also less of a chance to be hit by smth#idk lol. sorry. ive been doing a lot of gaming lately bcs ✨️stress✨️. so ive got a lot of dumb stats rolling around in my head lmao#also its 4am. so... coherence has long gone to bed before me lol#struggling to sleep again tonight. but more so for anxiety reasons. all these federal job changes are hitting very close to home rn#it'll probably be fine tho. probably. got a lot of other personal shit to worry about anyways. like my fucking medical files being tossed?!#tricare when i get you. when i fucking grt you omg. i didnt even serve. why am i suffering omfg#sorry... thats off-topic. so its probably best i uh. put myself to bed. at 4am. so. goodnight and good morning 🥲👍#tf idw#tf worldbuilding
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Ok I got a submission about it so I'm gonna do a quick update--
I'M SO SORRY FOR THE LACK OF DAILY BASIL! Literally everyone is busy right now. I am Attempting to make daily-basil doodles in anticipation of reopening the blog, but basically several other mods are either busy, on vacation, artfighting, or otherwise unable to contribute right now
I've been trying to draw some Basils so that I have a few to use when we do reopen the blog entirely but it has been a Struggle. Apologies for the hiatus going on for much longer than I had anticipated oops
- mod snuuy
#i went on vacation and couldnt draw‚ then i forgot my tablet pen there and had to wait for it to be sent back to me‚ it was a whole thing‚#mod omo has been the most diligent mod here and dude thank you so much for that#but between my missing supplies‚ other mods' exams‚ other vacations that have Difficult wifi and little to no art supplies‚#and just general circumstances-- it's been. a struggle#i promise i'll try to get the blog running again as soon as possible !#not basil#mod snuuy#also to note: ive been spending way too much time on the daily basils as of late and it's been making me stressed--#--and building up into a way bigger task than it actually is (and taking more time)#so my daily basils might be a bit shitty for a while whilst i find a way to adjust between ''this is taking five hours a day''#and ''this is a post-it doodle that took five minutes and isnt internet-sharing quality''
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To: Balsam (HorrorFell sans)
Can I please kiss you?! I'm such a huge fan of you!! -Kayla Shea the human.
Bal couldn't help blush at your words. While he was surprised and, deep down, appreciative of your attention, he wasn't sure if he had the confidence to return the gesture you sought from him as easily as you asked. Kindness and affection weren't common practice in his underground, and the hunger problems didn't help. He was still learning how to accept it himself, but he's had some time to adjust.
However, he wasn't a skeleton to disappoint if he could manage at least something for you.
He cleared his throat as he hid his flustered state. He bent over at the waist, bringing himself closer to your height as he lifted his hand to his teeth. He eye light blinked out of sight for a moment, before returning to gaze at you. He moved his gloved fingers from his teeth, gently pressing them to your cheek without breaking eye contact with you.
...
"Kiss."
...
He hoped that you weren't discouraged by his attempt, but perhaps this could be a chance he got to know you better going forward, too. Maybe take you out to lunch one day, if you'd like. He was always hungry, after all.
#balsam sans talks#yes#he did say “kiss” out loud#poor guy tried his best#you wouldn't know#but he was most likely more flustered than he could of shown.#he struggles with showing affection#but he is trying his best#I have been struggling to find motivation to draw lately#but then again ive been busy#but i thought “why not write instead”#though it would be cool to sorta delve into Balsam this way#Should I continue doing it though? I do like writing...#balsam sans#horrorfell sans#cay talks
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xxx.
#( ooc . mun speaks . )#i have been feeling. so not good lately.#i PROMISE it’ll be the last i talk abt this for awhile lol#i just cannot get the feeling of being replaceable or unwanted out of my head.#i keep feeling like . . . i’m not good enough#like. my writing isn’t good enough & my portrayal isn’t good enough.#& like i’m annoying or too much ooc.#ik ppl come here to get AWAY from yuckiness so im sorry to spread that.#i am just in a bad way i fear. just sad & anxious & feeling awful abt myself all the time.#there are such wonderful & kind souls here & i dont want to discredit their sweetness#ive just overall been having a rough time w/ my mental health. ill be okay though! just struggling atm.#tw vent#tw negative#tw negativity
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guys this is it i need to rip someone's throat out with my teeth
#it could be anyone and it could be homoerotically or not it's just been a need lately#just me rambling again#this inciting incident specifically is that apparently my gfs shitty older brother *overheard us* and instead of either ignoring/blocking i#out or y'know making that fact know and asking things to stop he apparently. TOLD THEIR FUCKING MOM ABOUT IT TODAY#she didn't know we were together and apparently was very upset that we were dating and she wasn't told about it. along with the obvious#anyways#I've also just been feeling very violent lately#i had a few minor inconveniences today and have been struggling to get adult communication things from people abt school and about apts and#y'know all of that shit#the last few weeks I've just been very emotional and just stewing in a visceral need for some sort of violence not even in a super real way#ive never been a fighter and i don't cause harm to other people or things or whatever i just like. need to tear someone's throat apart#with my teeth
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OOO IS THIS UR FIRST TIME READING MTMTE??? HAVE FUNNN ITS SO GOOD
YEAH LOL im just starting issue 21 right now !! its been an absolute delight of a comic thus far every issue is absolutely electric + the devastation just does NOT stop
#GUY WHO IS MANY YEARS LATE TO THE PARTY. LOL#the occasional focus on struggles to adjust to post war life + how isolated cybertronians have become from the universe at large bc of how-#--they spent the past 4 million years tearing themselves apart is so GOOD its so interesting to see the different ways the--#--characters cope w it (OR REFUSE TO PROCESS IT. PROWL .)#have been into transfo at large for abt 7 ? months at this point ? and its also neat to see the origin of so much stuff ive passively--#--absorbed thru fandom osmosis. was only a month or so ago that i was getting annoyed at some Guy showing up whenever i tried to google--#--headmasters chromedome and now just thinking abt said Guy for too long makes me want to wail LOL
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I hate how much i'm afraid to open an art shop because my last 2 failures cost me so much money 😭😭😭😭 especially in this time of great, scary uncertainty! and i know i can't bother other people about this, so i'm in this alone. *sad yippee noise*
#lee text#lee rants#i keep asking if people are interested in things i could maybe sell and im not really getting much response....not looking good 😭#i *might* loose my job this summer. they say they are considering ending contractor jobs so contract ends august and i could be kicked#that means spending hundreds to get are merch made would be bad idea if i sell nothing! need to use savings to SURVIVE.#am disabled with no experience except 1 cleaning job. 300 job apps no one wants me. 4 interviews and im too visibly autistic for them#cant mask and hide it. so keep getting told youre too *undesirable autism trait here* and it feel awful. know i won't get a job this way#so need to make my own job. but selling art is SO DIFFICULT. i tried twice and sold nothing. $500 wasted!#i even had commissions open for like 6 years. i actually got ONE. it made me so happy and the person was ao happy with the art!#but that was it. it never opened the door to more opportunities#tangent aside. i dont know what to do. do i invest more money into an art shop amd hope i can sell? or keep putting it off?#i dont know the answer and i have no one to talk to about this to get any solid support/help and advice#since i barely have any art friends and other artists who sell art are so snooty about it (competitive and keep info to themselves)#so im on my own struggling with stupid autism and chronically ill brain amd facing possibility of not being able to#affird meds amd doctor appointments i need to LIVE (especially since trump is trying desperately to take my healthcare/insurance away)#sighs i know no ome cares and if i talk about this stuff especially if i did open a shop people will accuse me of guilt tripping#so i have just been keeping it all to myself and now im hiding it in tags and not even tagging with actual tags#sorry if you read this and its not the usual silly gremlin lee goofs. ive been struggling completely alone lately and its so hard.
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