#can't spell funreality without unreality

[melinoelabs]

The Mandela Effect is no Match for Science!

We all know that memory problems and trans-temporal negligence can cause all sorts of hallucinations to become real and highly resistant to updating.

We've all heard it before: "Is it Berenstain or Bearenstain?", "Kazam with Shaq or Shazam with Sinbad?", "Didn't blood used to taste like lemon?" and so forth.

Fortunately, thanks to advancements in temporal lensing (and digging through Humbert's mom's attic), we can cut through to what you, personally had when you were a kid.

The Good News: We know the Berenstain/Bearinstain answer.

The bad news: Ain't nobody gonna be happy.

Our condolences once again go out to those affected.

[melinoelabs]

Oh dang, did we miss a public service announcement? We should have told you guys about this stuff back in 1993!

Well, lets start with the obvious one: As stated on the contraindications on the package, once daily Lycantrozine™ has severe reactions to persons with type 1 and type 2 vamprism. While it will eventually solve the problem, this is a weakness in precisely the same way PCP is a weakness for lowland gorillas, and is recommended with a similar lack of enthusiasm.

The following works of music repel vampires of types 1 and 2 precisely like the lord's prayer, hymns, and the psalms*:

The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald (Gordon Lightfoot)

Old Man Mose is Dead (any version)

Won't You Be My Neighbor? (Fred Rogers)

Believe it Or Not (Joey Scarbury)

Rapper's Delight (the Sugarhill Gang)

Stayin' Alive (Bee Gees)

Opblaaskrokodil (Ome Henk)**

Time (Full Album, including Julie Don't Live Here Anymore) (Electric Light Orchestra)

My Ding-A-Ling (Chuck Berry)

the Mennen aftershave jingle

Complete Discographies: (Queen, Dolly Parton, Sir Mix-A-Lot, Johnny Cash, RATT, Spike Jones, Donna Summer, Kraftwerk, Andrews Sisters)

No Guts No Glory (John Van Tongeren)

Super Mario Brothers Underwater Theme

Buttermilk Biscuits (Sir-Mix-A-Lot)

Beautiful World, Through Being Cool (Devo)

What is Love? (Haddaway)

Kiss Kicker '99 (The Fontanelles)

The Monster Mash (Any Version)

Valerie (Steve Winwood)

The End of the Century (SEIKIMA-II)

Go Robot (Red Hot Chili Peppers)

The Battle Hymn of the Republic

*These were all deduced by brute-force testing undertaken by Liberace Liverpool Labs. There's a Nobel in it for ya if you can discern a pattern! ** But NOT French Erotic Film (Albino Blacksheep)

If you lack grains of rice or fennel seeds, you can achieve a similar arithmomania reaction by brandishing a match-3 puzzle game or any variant of Bubble Bobble long enough to catch the vamp's attention then immediately handing the device to the vampire. This keeps them locked down until the charge dies or they can no longer afford the microtransations. This is both only applicable to type 1 vampirism and ethically questionable, but will provide an opportunity for escape.

White Gatorade - Supernormal stimulus for feeding instincts while providing no useful nutrition.

Vampires with type 2 vampirism are vulnerable to one or more of the following (consult their DracAlert™ bracelet or their Ailments, Limitations or Undeath Card):

Wouldn't it be entirely possible, even likely, that with all the silly weaknesses vampires and stuff were supposed to have, they'd also turn out to be weak to any number of things that have only been invented more recently? Like who's to say vampires aren't also repelled by the smell of play-doh or driven insane by MIDI music? We've invented so much shit in just the last century there'd be NO predicting this. For all we know they burn to ash if they look at Luigi.

[melinoelabs]

Type 1 and Type 2 vampirism are both manageable with appropriate treatment.

If you have type 1, you take your Garlicol™ injections and monitor your V3 levels.

If you have type 2, you take 4 drams of colloidal silver, 16 acorns of rust from a church gate or ship's anchor, a goodly slice (15 grams) sheep's liver, and compound it in a quartz mortar with a cedarwood pestle for 7 times three minutes, and consume it under moonlight fortnightly.

Also, human blood? It isn't 1897. You have options.

Anyplace with a traditional butchers is likely to be able to provide enough animal blood for even a mid-sized clan. Does pulling a Forever Knight taste as good? No. But some spices and a little liquid smoke and you're good to go, and what tastes better/is in better taste than a lack of murder?

A single tub of DracMaxx™ or another brand of ley-infused-whey prey-replacement-shake mix is cheaper than Maruchan Ramen over the same two month supply. You can also get it on SNAP.

Just lure in a redcap, lock him in an iron cage and tap the moist little bastard like a keg.*

Ermine blood is pricier but you get that same human taste and pick-me-up with five drops and a 16 ounce bottle of water (try it with Arnold Palmer. Zachariah in the mail-room swears by it).

And while no, we still don't understand why it works, in a pinch you can get some coleslaw from KFC. We keep asking them why it works but the Colonel plays it close to the vest, and their defenses are surprisingly robust.

Really, if you're feeding on humans, even ones that volunteer, you're just complicating things.

Important Note: We know that white Gatorade tastes amazing and is incredibly filling. It has zero nutritive properties for persons with either type of vamprism, it just triggers a supernormal food response. I'm not saying don't drink white Gatorade recreationally, but always have real food first.

*They know what they did.

Honestly, I love the idea of a vampire who only drinks blood taken from blood banks and hospitals, because it so beautifully encompasses someone who's more concerned with the vibes of something than the actual impact of it.

Drinking from someone on the street, barring some other condition they may have, isn't likely to kill them unless you gorge yourself. Taking blood packs? There's always a shortage of blood, and having even less of it runs the very real risk of getting someone killed in a way that is wholly out of your control once you've sipped on that blood. Someone you can't assure the innocence or guilt of, if you're the type of person who cares about that.

Despite that, in popular stuff, I often see discussions of drinking from a blood bank being somehow better or preferable, and yeah. No. The only thing it does is make you feel better while doing more harm, because of that degree of removal. You're effectively drinking blood from someone on the cusp of hypovolemic shock, but since it's not straight from the tap, some people seem to think it's better.