#clocks.source

[diaryofclockwork]

I know I talk about Toby a lot on this blog (the Toby from my source) but another person from source I remember was Jeff the Killer. We had a weird relationship, it was mostly insulting each other and ripping on each other for fun, and then being really protective of the other if somebody else made fun of them.

For example I remember a night where Jeff came knocking on my door and said he'd had a tough day, and he just wanted to argue with somebody. I asked him why he thought that what he just said wasn't the most pathetic thing I'd ever heard. Cue us 10 minutes later arguing with each other in the kitchen of my cabin while I made us coffee. He was sitting on the counter and I was washing us a couple mugs.

Now, it was about 11pm at this time or somewhere close to that, and Toby had been sleeping in our room but woke up because Jeff and I were loudly arguing about literally nothing. This fucker comes in all tired and annoyed just to ask us if we could hatefuck quieter.

[diaryofclockwork]

Ain't too far off honestly.

TicciWork my beloved....

[diaryofclockwork]

I have a distinct source memory of wrestling Toby on the floor for fun, and he wins, no surprise to me. Toby tells me his reward for winning was to be able to draw in one page of my sketchbook. So I give it to him and because being normal isn't in his skill set, he finds the one page with a drawing of myself and writes "Big Dick Energy!" in red sharpie with an arrow pointing from it to my crotch. He then states he's done and that he's going to frame it.

I miss him and his stupid antics every day.

[diaryofclockwork]

Remembering things about source is fucking strange when your source is mostly fandom run. Yeah I fucking love popcorn which I'm pretty sure is canon. I also like it covered with so much salt and vinegar it's toxic to most people, which is apparently not so canon.

Side note my system has no idea how I eat "nuclear waste flavoured popcorn" (quote my host).

[diaryofclockwork]

In the spirit of pride month, I remember Toby and I messing around one time and it lead to me getting in drag. Toby laughed and said I really did pass for a guy, so I asked if he'd still find me attractive with a dick and he got really flushed and looked like he’d just learned something about himself. Like he could not have outed himself more, so naturally I teased him about being bi for weeks. (He liked it.)

[diaryofclockwork]

Thinking about source Toby again.

I have a memory of getting out of the shower late at night in the cabin I shared with Toby, walking to the bedroom and laying down with him. I hate being touched by people, but Toby had always been my exception because he'd never given me a reason to question his intentions. He held me close and kissed my face, neck, and shoulders. I told him I loved him and he smiled, jokingly muttering back "I'd hope so at this point," holding back his own giggles as I laughed and told him to shut up.

It was domestic, it was quiet and calm. Toby held me securely and I knew he didn't expect anything of me. He just wanted me to share my life with him. And on those nights where we just held each other, it felt like a normal life. Like we weren't traumatized and fucked up, like we weren't monsters or outcast freaks. We just existed in the love of the other. I miss that feeling, the feeling of belonging so strongly.

[diaryofclockwork]

Hey, I'm Clockwork.

I'm an adult introject in a 22 year old OSDD1b system of the creepypasta character Clockwork / Natalie Ouellette. This blog is about everything that comes with that — from source memories to fantasizing about source, my experiences as a fictive, and my experiences as a protector. Although most things are on the table.

Please call me Clockwork, use she/her pronouns, and feel comfortable to talk to me, I don't bite unless you do.

Much more information about me, triggering content, tagging, my system's main blog, and more are under the cut.

My past in my system is complicated, but all you need to know is I am the primary protector and though I connect deeply with my source I know I'm not actually her in real life. My life IRL revolves around what's best and safest for my system, and rarely if ever I have the chance to even think about my own needs, wants, desires.

This side blog is here to act as an out for my personal thoughts and feelings, many of which revolve around my source. This is not a roleplay blog, I'm not pretending to be the actual or the "real-life Clockwork", I just am what I am and need an out to talk about it.

Know that though I accept minors interacting now, this blog was not made for minors or people in vulnerable mindsets.

Trigger Warnings may apply to my blog.

My blog sometimes contains content about violence, dark impulses, sex, sex crimes, mental health and illness, and many other potentially triggering subjects. I will be talking about my trauma here.

This is not a completely SFW and completely minor-friendly blog, and it is not made to be viewed in vulnerable states of mind. This blog won't be majorly NSFW but may contain those topics. Minors may interact due to this but tread lightly and be aware not everything here is meant for you. If you see something marked mature, no you didn't. Scroll past.

Just because I have an impulse or thought or fantasy doesn't make it okay for me or anyone to act on it, and doesn't make me likely to act on it either.

Tags List:

#clocks.casual -> Just talking, or anything not fitting into other tags.

#clocks.a.simp -> Forgetting my filter I use IRL and just being an idiot who goes hard when she likes things.

#clocks.dysphoric -> Talking about BIID and anything considered atypical dysphoria in myself.

#clocks.source -> Talking about source.

#clocks.source.vent -> Venting about source.

#clocks.vent -> Non-source vents, may be TW.

#clocks.nsft -> Anything NSFW, may be TW, minors shouldn't be on my blog anyway but minors DNI with this especially.

#clocks.mind -> Anything directly mental health/illness related, probably TW.

#clocks.kills.tw -> Anything violence related. Heavy TW.

#clocks.nsft.tw -> Anything sex trauma related. Heavy TW.

Disclaimer about my "main blog".

My system's main blog is @sillyguystrawb and in it you'll see a lot of creepypasta stuff on it and the affiliated blog @deadrose-compound. Don't take anything said there as accurate to me, my source memories, or anything like that. I am very separated from those blogs except when I follow/like from our main blog. I don't use those blogs for the most part and other alters don't speak for me - only the characters they like. I find this completely acceptable because they and I have come to an agreement that they're talking about the fictional characters and not me really. Even their headcanons for my source aren't accurate to how I am as a fictive. Thank you for coming to my TedTalk.

And just so we're clear, I block freely.

I don't support harassment at all, and don't want to fight anyone, so just expect to be blocked if you are listed in our main blog's pinned post block criteria