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everybodyshusband · 2 years ago

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what was supposed to be a tiny little drabble because dysphoria is stupid and it sucks turned into 1.9k words because i couldn't stop writing, haha !! (see again: dysphoria is stupid and it sucks)

transmasc dysphoric dew being comforted by cirrus and rain <3

cw. lots of crying, dew has a mindset that he can't do certain things because he sees girls doing them but he's aware that this is an unhealthy thought process to have, he also misgenders himself in his head once out of dysphoria

Dew's skin is crawling. Sweat from tonight's ritual clinging to his compression shirt and making his skin itch more and more with every second he keeps it on. He needs to get it off. In fairness, his skin has been crawling since before the ritual caused him to sweat buckets into his shirt. He's been feeling distinctively wrong since this morning, when they all arrived at the venue and realised the venue crew had allocated the dressing rooms differently than usual.

Dew's with the ghoulettes. He hates grouping them all together like that in his mind—knows Cumulus would probably have his head if she knew he was referring to the three of them as one single entity rather than individually appreciating them as they all deserve—but today, there's something in the back of Dew's head that itches every time he tries to separate them. He hates it. He can't figure it out.

He doesn't figure it out until after the ritual. When Rain calls out to Dew over his shoulder as he makes his way to his own dressing room. "When the rest of the boys and I are done, we'll meet the four of you in the greenroom with Papa, okay?" Dew calls out his response but the way Rain phrased it won't stop echoing through Dew's mind as he chats with Aurora, lifts his mask off, unbuttons his shirt, unlaces his boots.

"The boys and I" Rain had said.

The boys.

And Dew's not with them.

As he comes to this realisation, he pulls his first boot off, throwing it to the ground in frustration as tears pinprick the corners of his eyes. Cirrus jumps at the loud noise as she unbuttons her shirt, revealing her short-sleeve compression shirt underneath—most days Dew forgets that she wears it, given that it doesn't show when she rolls up her sleeves. And because he's never placed in the same dressing room as the... The girls.

"I don't know what kind of tantrum you're throwing over there, Dew," she says, not looking at him as she takes a seat in front of the mirror to unlace her own boots. "But if you could cool it enough to not make loud noises, that'd be great."

She's joking. He knows she's only joking and that her casual dismissal shouldn't hurt as much as it does but... Well, he's already had an off day and apparently, the disinterest in her tone is enough to break the dam of tears that was already struggling to contain itself.

He cries silently, too scared of disturbing Cirrus even further and of interrupting Aurora and Cumulus' conversation by making more noise. It's not until Cirrus is finished with her boots that she looks up and sees Dew sitting on the beat-up, beer-stained couch with tears streaming down his face. Her face softens immediately, an apologetic furrow forming between her eyebrows as she makes her way over to him. He flinches back before her outstretched hand can come to rest on his knee as if she's got cooties. As if he's going to catch "the girl" from her. As if her touch will cement the fact that Dew's just a silly girl playing pretend with her boyfriends' clothes.

The worry in Cirrus' eyes as Dew sobs makes him hate himself even more. "I'm sorry I was so rude to you, love," she tries.

"'S fine." It's not fine, they both know that. The real apologies and explanations from both of them will come later, they always do. The cursory, meaningless apologies happen in the moment, and the real ones come later as they hold each other close, tears streaming down both their cheeks. That's just how they work.

"Do you want me to get Rain?" She knows her presence is too much for him right now. She's probably able to read him better than he's reading himself. Come to think of it, she probably knew how Dew was feeling before he did, if her gentle questions throughout the day are anything to go by—well, with Cirrus, "gentle" usually means gripping Dew around the neck and ruffling his hair, laughing and pressing a kiss to the top of his head once she's had her fun; Sathanas, he loves her so much.

Dew nods. "Rain," he echoes.

Cirrus nods as well and disappears out the door, letting it band shut behind her as she goes off in search of the water ghoul. On the other side of the room, Cumulus and Aurora are trying very hard to pretend they haven't been watching the entire exchange.

In what feels simultaneously like no time at all and all the time in the world, Cirrus returns with Rain in tow, looking especially soft and relaxed in his street clothes. She must have briefed him about what's happened because although Rain runs to Dew and drops to his knees in front of the couch, he doesn't touch Dew.

"No," Dew whispers softly, longing for Rain to reach out and touch him.

"No?" Rain starts to move away from him.

"No! Come back... Please." He holds his hand out and almost starts crying again out of relief when Rain takes a hold of it.

"You doing alright, darling?" Rain's voice is soft, kind.

Dew tilts his head this way and that, not quite a nod but not quite a shake of his head either. "I'll be okay." He's not actually sure he'll be okay for a while, but he's rather Rain not worry about him even more than he already is.

Rain fixes Dew with a look, but gives him a gentle smile regardless. "D'you want to get out of this, love?" He gestures to Dew's uniform, his pants and the compression shirt that remains clinging to his sweaty skin.

Dew nods, standing up to shuck his pants and replace them with his favourite fluffy sweatpants, balancing himself against Rain and chuckling good-naturedly when he trips as he steps into his pants and almost falls flat on his face. As he tries to pull his shirt over his head, Rain collects the other parts of Dew's uniform and places them into a neat pile.

He turns back to Dew while Dew's shirt is halfway over his head, his head trapped in the damp fabric, stretching it as he tries to pull it over himself to no avail.

"Love–" Rain's hands are gentle as he stills Dew's hands. "Love, stop pulling. You're going to wreck the shirt."

"It's stuck." Dew knows his voice is muffled by the shirt from the way Rain chuckles at him.

The water ghoul's cold hands are welcome against Dew's warm skin as he pulls the shirt back onto his body. "Don't pull it off, you're just going to stretch it. See what Cirrus is doing?" Dew's gaze finds Cirrus just in time to see her cross her arms in front of her body and grip the hem of her shirt, pulling it over her head.

He knows it's irrational, but his stomach twists and his skin begins to itch all over again in that same uncomfortable way as before at the idea of taking his shirt off the same way Cirrus did.

"N– No, that's... That's..." He trails off, voice thick with tears before he can say "the girl's way" because Sathanas, if he doesn't know how horrendous that sounds.

Somehow, though, Rain seems to understand what he wants to say, because before Dew can even start to think about panicking any further, Rain is taking Dew's hands in his and nudging their foreheads together. "Do you want me to take it off for you, love?"

"Sh– Shouldn't you take me out to... To dinner or something first?" He stumbles over his words and his voice cracks as he tells the joke, but Rain laughs anyway and something in Dew's heart feels a little lighter, but with Rain still looking at him expectantly for an answer, all he can really do is nod miserably and pull back from the water ghoul to give him room to help him out of his shirt.

Once Rain has pulled the sweaty shirt off of Dew and has begun searching for the fire ghoul's hoodie, Dew does his best to avoid looking down. He knows he's got something on underneath his shirt—whether it's a binder or tape he can't remember, but the incessant itching feeling from earlier makes him think it might be his tape—but regardless, he's hesitant to test his luck with his dysphoria, especially after everything that's happened today. Soon enough, Rain is passing Dew his hoodie and helping him pull it over his head, ruffling his hair gently and kissing the top of his head once he's finished.

"All done, love," Rain murmurs against his forehead. "Just shoes and then we're done, 'kay?"

Dew nods, eyeing up his choices. He's got the Doc Martens he arrived in leaning against the wall, or the pair of beat-up Converse buried in the bottom of his bag. Against his will, his eyes drift across to the other side of the room, where Cumulus is lacing up her own Docs.

Rain's fingers are gentle against his cheek as he guides his gaze away from the air ghoulette. "Don't worry about what's she's doing," he says gently. "What shoes do you want to wear, Dew?"

He casts a longing look at his well-worn, comfortable Docs before dropping his head and asking for his Converse.

Rain kisses him again—a soft thing that makes Dew's stomach swoop at the realisation of just how loved he is—and moves away to rummage through Dew's bag and hand him the shoes. He kneels down at Dew's feet once more and laces the shoes for him, stroking his knee gently before he stands up once he's done. Rain holds his hand out, offering Dew a hand up, but he ignores it and stands by himself, pretending not to notice the disappointment in Rain's eyes. He can't help it. Rain's extended hand reminded him of all the times Mountain has pulled Lus up off of the couch, or the few times Swiss has offered a hand out to Sunshine to help her up when she's been sat on the floor during their rest time at practice.

Once he's up however, he takes Rain's hand gladly, just as Aether and Aeon or Ifrit and Omega when the pairs walk around the Abbey.

Rain huffs out a quiet sigh, looking over at Dew with a soft smile on his face. "Ready to go?"

Dew nods, grabbing his bag and slinging it over the shoulder not obstructed by Rain's hold on his hand. He pushes the door to the dressing room open and tries to turn left, but Rain tugs him along to the right. "Greenroom, remember?"

Dew sighs and follows without saying anything. In all honesty, he couldn't care less about their post-ritual rundown at the moment. He'd much rather head back to the bus with Rain and let himself be held—maybe he'd even be able to convince himself to curl up into Rain's side without feeling wrong about it.

As they walk, he feels Rain look over at him. He returns the gaze, knowing the smile he sends Rain's way is a bit too tight to be genuine. He's tired out from monitoring his own actions all day, he just wants to cuddle up with Rain in one of their bunks and go to sleep. The water ghoul squeezes his hand twice in quick succession.

You okay?

Dew squeezes back once.

I will be.

#i don't know if i like this much but that's okay #also i'm aware cirrus doesn't actually wear a compression shirt but for Plot Reasons i gave her one :)#and i like the concept that maybe she wears it for the sensory comfort of a tight garment under her loose uniform shirt #because she can't handle the inconsistent feeling of loose fabric against her skin #ANYWAY #dewdrop ghoul #rain ghoul #cirrus ghoulette #nameless ghouls #the band ghost #husband ficlets

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