#cs fics

[piinfeathers]

the scars we bare

it's a mid-january miracle, i actually wrote something. after threatening to finally start writing captain swan fics, i actually did it. thank you to all my beautiful friends on discord who encouraged me and to @dykelilypage i'm so glad you liked your gift <333 this is chapter 1 of 2, second one should be up tomorrow probably maybe who knows? :)))

summary: emma swan came to the underworld with one purpose; to rescue the man she loved from hades' grip. and she would do anything, sacrifice everything in order to that happen. when hades offers her a deal, a test of their true love, she takes it. in the end though, the bargain might just take more for them than they have to give. S5B canon divergence

tw: minor moments of gore and torture, also pregnancy and child birth

✨ ao3 link ✨

***

Emma had made plenty of bad decisions in her life. Big, catastrophic decisions, she could admit that. If she were to rank them though, willingly letting herself fall under a sleeping curse to rescue the man she loved from hell, probably would have ended up pretty high on the list.

She stared at him, across the wide airy field of middlemist flowers that wasn’t actually there, but felt nearly as real as she remembered, and wondered if he would feel the same.

“Swan.” Her name sounded like a prayer, rasped from his too-dry throat.

She was running then, or maybe she had started running before, she wasn’t sure. Her arms circled him when they met, his own grip nearly crushing as he lifted her off her feet. Frantic kisses and searching hands probed each other as incomplete pleas stuttered out of each of them. 

“You alright?”

“-m fine. You can’t be here-”

“-made a deal. Hades, he had a deal.”

“-have to go back. Please, you have to go back.”

“I can’t.” 

The last two words dropped like a stone between them and Killian jerked back. His face was the same as it had been when she’d last seen him alive. It was no longer the swollen mess of throbbing bruises Hades had left it in, when he’d shown Emma her lover’s broken body that was being torn and burnt and flayed apart until she had screamed to make it stop. Killian’s hand, the fingers still intact and no longer snapped and broken, cupped her face. He was trembling. Or maybe that was her. It was hard to tell at this point.

“Emma,” her name came out as a whisper. “Emma, where are we?”

She smiled as something huge and terrifying in her chest threatened to burst open.

“Somewhere... Somewhere in my mind. I think? Maybe,” she glanced around again, trying to focus. “A memory. He kept saying something about memories. Our memories.”

“Love, you aren’t making any sense.”

She laughed and it sounded like a watery hiccup. “Hades. Hades and I made a deal.”

The hand on her face tensed as she watched his expression grow brittle. “Emma-” his throat bobbed. “Emma. What kind of deal? What did you promise him?”

She held up her right hand, her index finger raised. A small droplet of blood welled up in the sensitive pad of flesh at the tip where she had pricked it only moments earlier.

“Sleeping curse,” she tried to keep her voice calm as she risked another glance at him. His face was ghost white, completely drained of colour. “I think he thought he was being funny. Something about “the old Charming family tradition.””

Killian’s head was shaking, his eyes darting away from her as he scanned the edges of the tree line behind them, looking for a way out. “We have to wake you up. Emma you don’t understand, Hades he-”

She watched his gaze go unfocused, the nerve in his jaw popping.

“Hey,” she said quickly, her hand curling around his neck, pulling him back to her. “He can’t get you, not here. Not unless he feels like breaking our deal.”

His eyes were still nervy, and she could feel his pulse jumping beneath her palm, but he focused on her again. God she had missed him. Missed the way he smelled, the way his scruffed jaw felt when she held it. It suddenly seemed so hysterically unfair that they’d only had a few months together. They deserved a lifetime. 

“This deal,” he rasped after a moment. “Tell me exactly what he asked of you.”

“He wanted…” she trailed off, trying to remember what he had said. “He said he wanted to test us. To see if what we shared was true love or not. That we needed to really see every part of each other before we made our decision.”

Killian was holding very, very still, his expression unreadable. “And for us to do this test, you needed to be cursed, is that right? Am I cursed as well? Is that how I’m standing here with you?” His voice sounded calm, almost reasonable, as if they were discussing the rules to a complicated board game. But Emma could still feel his panic, could see it starting to edge into the corners of his eyes, turning them glassy. Another one of her huge, catastrophically bad decisions alright. 

“No. No you aren’t under a sleeping curse,” she tried to make her voice comforting, but doubted it had much effect. “He said that souls without a living body don’t need curses to be moved to the dream realm, as long as they’re tethered to someone alive they just sort of- “hitch a ride,” or something.”

A smile started to spread across his face, though it didn’t reach his eyes. “So I’m tethered to you then?”

“Seems that way,” she said, her heart feeling like a dead weight in her chest. “I’m not exactly sure about the next parts, he was talking about memory magic, about old wounds needing to be opened up. He said the dream realm made the magic more…” she waved her hand. “Potent or something. Made it easier to find old memories.”

Killian’s hand dropped to her shoulder, his hook resting against her hip. “Why does he want us to explore old memories? Which memories? What does he gain from that?”

“I have no idea, I’m pretty sure he was just talking to hear himself speak at some point.”

“I don’t like this. Hades wouldn’t make a deal unless it was to punish or to trap you here. Emma, please,” his tone was growing frantic and it was making her own nerves start to fray. “Try and remember exactly what he said. Every word. If he’s trapped you here-”

“I don’t remember all the specifics! I was a little distracted watching you get tortured. Hades didn’t exactly have my undivided attention.”

Killian’s eyes shuttered and Emma could feel the slight tremor in his hand as it fell from her shoulder. She wished she hadn’t mentioned the torture. The second she had, she’d seen his face go blank. When this was over, she would kill Hades. She wasn’t sure how exactly, but she would get creative. Somehow she would figure out a way to make the god of death hurt in the same way he had made Killian hurt. 

“Look,” she said, her voice thick. “All you need to know is that he can’t hurt us. I made him swear it. He can’t touch you here, and he can’t kill me. Everything that happens now is up to us.”

He looked up, staring at something far away from them, like he was remembering something he’d rather forget. “And if we fail? What then? Does he get both of us to torture for eternity?”

“We won’t fail,” she told him. They wouldn’t. She couldn’t let that happen. Even if it killed her, she would never let Hades touch Killian Jones again. “I got down here didn’t I? And I found you. The hard part’s already done.”

He huffed out a laugh that sounded wrong to her ears. “Your confidence is admirable, Swan. But you don’t know what Hades is capable of. What he does to you once he has you.”

She could feel him slipping from her, could feel the despair coming off him in waves, and it killed her. “There’s a fail safe,” she told him quickly. “I can call off the deal at any time.” 

He jerked his attention back to her, suddenly alert. 

“But Killian, if I call it off, if I choose to end this, you go right back where I found you. Back to Hades,” she said, a world of meaning in her words. 

“But you’ll be safe?”

She looked at him. She should tell him. Tell him the entire truth. Tell him exactly what she had promised to keep him safe, to bring him back home. What she had signed away. But if she told him, if he knew everything, he would never agree to it. He would refuse and send her back and all this would be for nothing. He would go back to the endless, screaming pain that Hades had cleaved into him until there was nothing of him left. She couldn’t let that happen.

“Yes,” she said. “I’ll be fine. But you won’t. Please Killian. Please just let us try this first. We have to.”

He blew a breath out of his nose, looking down when she grabbed his hand in both of hers and squeezed. “Alright,” he said. “Alright, we'll try.”

She grinned as she wrapped her arms around him, kissing him, holding him. His hand moved up to her hair, cradling her head, his forehead coming to rest against hers. 

“So. How exactly does this trial work? What do we have to do?”

There was a quick burst of magic to the left of them, and a door twisted into existence a few feet away. The carved wood groaned slightly as it seemed to sway towards them, rocking on its frame, before coming to a stop. They both stared at it. 

“Well. Guess that answers that,” she said.

“Indeed,” he sighed, turning back to look at her. She saw a question, huge and all consuming in his stare that went unasked. Right, this was her deal. Her curse. He would follow her lead. Like he always did. Whatever happened, no matter how much it took from her, she would do whatever it took to make sure he got out of this. 

“C’mon,” she nodded towards the door. “Let’s get this over with.”

He grimaced as they walked towards it, reaching down to grip the brass handle and opening it for her. “Any idea what’s awaiting us on the other side?”

She squeezed his hand, raising her brows. “Nope.” 

They walked through. And the ground beneath their feet vanished.

***

She was falling. Her hair was whipping around her head while the wind rushed up and made her eyes water. Images and noise strobed past like flickering television screens as she plummeted down towards a huge, white nothingness. If she focused she thought she could make out faces, blurred and half formed, but they streaked past her, faster than her eyes could follow. She tried to reach out, tried to find something to grab a hold of, something to slow her fall, but it was like falling through light and sound and a great vast emptiness eager to swallow her whole.

Was this it? Was this what Hades had planned all along? No harm to her physical body sure, but trapping them in some fucked liminal space for eternity? Well. That was a different story.

She tried to look up, or whatever passed for up in this space and suddenly felt something grab her arm. Killian, his grip tight on her, was falling beside her. His mouth was open, mouthing something she couldn’t hear over the roar of noise and wind and her own frantic heartbeat. She tried to reach for him, her fingers outstretched-

When everything slammed to a sudden stop.

Her mind lurched, feeling like the contents of a car with its brakes hit too hard. The tunnel of noise, whatever it had been, was gone, and a blindingly blue sky stretched out in front of her. She tried to blink and turn her head, but her body was locked in place, no longer listening to her.

Only…only it wasn’t her body. 

She heard someone call for her, but it wasn’t her name she heard, it was Killian’s. She twisted and when her mouth opened it wasn’t her voice that boomed forth, but a man’s, low and accented, and oh-so familiar to her. 

She’d dealt with memory magic before, had stayed up long, magic-drunk nights as the dark one weaving dream catchers together in order to snare memories. She’d been expecting something closer to that, where memories played like snippets of old tv reruns. This was something completely different. She wasn’t just watching Killian's memories, she was living them. In his head.

“What news do you bring me then?” he called.

He sounded happy, and Emma could feel it then, he was excited about something. Somehow, inside his head, she could feel thoughts, could almost reach out and touch them.

He stood on the top deck, near the massive helm. Below him, near the rigging of the sails, a woman with dark hair and seafoam eyes grinned at him. Even before Emma felt the sudden rush of love and recognition, she knew exactly who she was looking at. Milah. 

“No news that can safely be shared among mixed company, captain ,” Milah called with a wink. She had Henry’s smile, Emma realized distantly.

The crew around Milah laughed uproariously, and her wide grin was a twin to the one stretching across Killian’s as he swung round the deck to go meet her.

Just as Emma was greedily drinking in the image of the image of the woman who had her son’s grin and Killian's heart, the world suddenly melted and shifted around her. It was as if the memory smeared, all the unimportant bits forgotten and discarded. She moved through short, foggy glimpses of old points in time. Moments alone with Milah, the sound of her laugh, the feeling of her eyes watching him, her laugh lines fanning out from the corners. At the core of it, his love for her was like a warm, even glow in his chest. Emma was suddenly sad that she would never get to meet this woman. This woman with the sharp wit and an easy laugh. She thought she would have liked her.

She kept floating through memories until they solidified all at once into sharp focus. Killian was back on the deck. Only he couldn’t move, something tight twisted around his chest and pinned him down. In front of him, Milah was on her knees. A man stood before her. His hand was buried into her chest. 

Emma recognized Rumpelstiltskin as blind, frantic panic tore through Killian, choking her. Killian had never told her explicitly how Milah had died, only that Gold had killed her. But she knew this moment. She knew what happened next. 

Rumpelstiltskin's hand tore free, Milah’s beating heart in his grip. He stared at it almost hungrily. Emma heard Killian shout, felt him pull himself free from the ropes binding him and dive for Milah as she slumped back. He caught her, begging, pleading words stumbling from his lips. She felt so light in his arms, a hollow empty shell. They shared a look, Milah’s gaze full of an unspoken farewell. 

She heard, rather than saw the crunch of the heart as Rumpelstiltskin crushed it. Milah gasped, dead even before the ashes crumbled and fell to the deck. 

Rage built in Killian, blinding and useless. It pushed him to his feet, surged him forward. He cursed Rumpelstiltskin, his hands in fists, desperate to drive them into the scaled skin and rotting teeth of the man who took his love. Rumpelstiltskin's grin was sharp. A blade flashed. Men shouted. A horrible, exquisite pain erupted from Killian’s left wrist and drove him to his knees. Emma wanted to scream.

Everything started moving too fast. The memory grew blurry again, every part of it dulled by the all consuming pain and rage boiling in Killian. He was screaming, driving a hook into Rumpelstiltskin's chest, mocking laughter meeting his ears. Then hands were grabbing him, pulling him back. Pain. Oh god there was just so much pain. Emma felt herself being dragged down with it, Killian’s vision growing black. But even in the darkness she felt the agony, unable to escape it. All alone in his head, she ached. 

The memories came and went. Bright flashes of faces crowding into his vision, frantic voices and bloody rags. Blood. There was so much blood. She could smell it, the sharp, copper tang of it. It felt like it coated his tongue, filled his nostrils and tried to drown him. He was being moved, every bump and bounce he felt sending jolts of pain through his system and forcing him back into blank unconsciousness.

Then heat. It was so sudden and sharp it brought him back to bleeding, screaming life. The world around him was thrown into abrupt focus as molten heat was pressed against the agonizing, throbbing stump of his wrist. He looked at the white hot blade being forced against his skin, watched as it melted his flesh and made it bubble around the edges, cauterizing it. He was screaming. It filled his head, an endless bellow of animalistic pain that crashed into Emma like a blow. 

When the darkness came for him again, Emma welcomed it with a sob.

She didn’t know how much time had passed when he started to wake again. She didn’t care. Every part of his body was one, long, endless agony. She couldn’t breathe from the force of it. Above him, it grew dark, then light, then dark again. Time moving on with or without him.

A noise woke him at some point. She blinked the grit from his burning eyes, trying to look at where Killian's hand had been severed. His wrist was an angry, mottled thing, the skin around it too pink, too tight. Thick blisters, fat and stretched taunt, seemed too shiny in the pale light below the deck of the ship where they had left him.

Her head lolled, their shared vision turning syrupy around the edges as the pain rose up again and smothered her in burning heat. 

She could hear voices, pitched low, all whispering with a panicked edge.

“Fever.”  

“ Infection…”

“The amount of blood he lost-” 

“No one could survive that.”

Emma writhed inside the shell of the memory. Killian , she sobbed, unsure if he could hear her. Was he in here with her? Was he reliving this too and she just couldn’t feel him? Or had Hades taken him away from her again? It was so quiet now. Killian. Killian. She repeated it again and again, his fever touching her own mind, choking the air from her lungs. How could he bear this? How could anyone bear this?

Fresh pain shot from his wrist and Emma threw her head back and screamed. Tears rolled down her cheeks when it was Killian’s voice, Killian’s pain she heard echoing endlessly in her head as she was pitched sidewise into another memory.

He was vomiting, heat and misery burning him, leaving him feeling feverish and delirious. He was fading in and out of consciousness, through the days, maybe weeks, he could no longer tell. Food and water had to be forcibly shoved into his mouth until he swallowed it, all the while he cursed at them for daring to try and keep him alive in his grief.

Emma watched it all, helpless inside his head. Killian had been right. Hades had found a way to torture them after all. Because this? Watching Killian break apart, unable to help, was agony. She wanted to fight, wanted to scream at the unfairness of it. But she could do neither. She could only sit and witness it all.

More memories faded in and out. In his rare moments of lucidity, the image of Milah, her heart torn from her chest, burned across his brain. His heart felt empty, like a hollow burden, sinking his body down deeper. His love for her burned itself away, twisted and malformed from grief. In its place, only one thought remained. Revenge. 

The word repeated itself, over and over, until it became a mantra. As his body healed, as the scar tissue on both his wrist and his heart thickened, he swore it to himself, again and again. He would have his revenge. No matter the cost. 

Trapped inside his tortured mind, Emma mourned for him.

***

Killian woke in agony. Pain snaked around his spine and sank into his bones, leaving him too weary to move. For one, terrifying moment, he thought he was back in the underworld. That all this had been a ruse. Emma had never come for him, Hades had simply split open his head and planted the idea of her, giving him hope and then taking it. Yet again.

But this place didn’t feel like his hell. There were voices around him, low murmuring, distinctly human voices.

He tried to open his eyes, but they stayed stubbornly shut. Another wave of pain twisted inside him, washing over him as his back arched and a low, sobbing moan filled his head. Emma. That was Emma’s voice.

“You’re doing great Emma, just a little longer now,” a strange voice near his feet comforted.

He felt her then, Emma. She was scared and exhausted and so, so heartbreakingly sad that it nearly swallowed her. 

He wasn’t here, he realized as her emotions buffeted him and surrounded him from all sides. This was Emma’s body. Her memory.

Her eyes opened and Killian looked across the room through tear blurred eyes. She was on her back, doctors and nurses standing around her, their faces hidden with masks and hair coverings. Blinding, overhead lights seemed to beat down on her, making her even more uncomfortable. She tried to move and Killian felt something tug on her wrist.

She let out a small sob of annoyance and pain, looking down at the silver cuff that chained her to the bed. They’d restrained her. She was in pain, she needed help, and they’d restrained her.

Fury raced through him, though he couldn’t tell if it was his or hers he felt, or a combination of the two. She felt so small in the bed, and so completely alone.

Another rush of pain, this one stronger than the first two, sent stars across their shared vision and Emma fell back.

“Okay Emma, you’re ready. It’s time to push, alright?”

She was shaking her head, and Killian felt her panic and his own bleed together. She was giving birth. He was about to witness her giving birth inside her own mind. For some reason the complete invasion of it flooded his brain, made him want to climb out of her head and simply hold her. This was her memory. Hers. He had no right to witness this and Hades certainly had no right to take that choice from her.

But he was here. There was no taking back what had been started. So he sat in the mind of the woman he loved and felt her body tear itself apart.

She was screaming, her body bearing down, the act of giving birth overwhelming her rational brain and simply taking over, trying to push. Sweat poured down her face as she strained, her pain now just a constant steady stream of misery. She wanted it to end. She needed it to end. She just wanted to lay back and sleep and never wake up. She’d fought so hard her whole life and now she had no fight left. She was done.

“You've got this Emma,” a nurse soothed from her left side, her gloved hand rubbing circles on her back. Emma liked her, Killian could feel it. This was a kind person, the only person who treated her like a patient and not a prisoner. A good person, a decent person. Someone who would make an amazing parent. Unlike her.

“Emma, I need you to work with us,” the doctor positioned between her legs called. “You need to keep pushing, your baby is ready to come out.”

Her baby. Killian felt a spark of something light inside her. Emma was too scared to give the feeling a name, but Killian recognized it instantly. Love.

Oh how she loved this little baby. She adored it. She sang it songs in her head and read to it in the bed of her prison cell when everyone else was asleep. She would give anything to her baby if it asked.

So she pushed. She pushed even as she felt like she was tearing in half, when the pain grew knife-sharp and carved her open. Voices blurred around her, all speaking over each other, telling her to take deep breaths, that she was almost there, that it was almost over. She gripped the sides of the bed, shoving forward and pushed until she thought her bones would crack and she would break apart until there was nothing of her left.

“Big push now Emma! Big push!”

She screamed and it was like the ozone in the room ignited, the lights in the room glowing white hot and shattering. Killian felt a punch of raw, primal magic explode from within her and then-

A baby’s cry, small but strong, broke through the silence. Henry. He was here. Killian wanted to look at him, wanted to see the boy's face, the feeling nearly overwhelming him. But Emma didn’t turn to look. She squeezed her eyes shut, and sank into the mattress.

“It’s a boy Emma,” the doctor said, a smile in his voice.

A boy. She had a son. A beautiful, perfect son. He cried out, and Killian felt it drive into Emma's heart like a knife. Every part of her wanted to turn, wanted to take him in her arms and hold him, to soothe his cries and protect him from every bad scary thing in this world like it was her only job in this life.

But…she couldn’t. She loved him more than anything. She would give him anything to make him happy, to keep him safe. And because of that she knew that meant he had to go away. As far away from her as possible. He deserved so much, he deserved the whole world. And she couldn’t afford to give it to him. All she had to give him was a chance. A chance at a better start. Without her. She couldn’t be a mother, couldn’t be his mother. She would ruin him. Taint him somehow. She wouldn’t do that to him.

Killian felt the decision form in her mind, felt her shake her head and grit her teeth, squeezing her eyes shut as tears spilled down her face. He heard the doctor tell her that she could change her mind, that it wasn’t too late. But he knew. He knew what happened next. He wanted to beg her to change her mind, to see that she already was a mother, he wanted to be there and tell her over and over until she believed it. But he couldn’t change the past. He could only watch it.

“No. I can't be a mother,” her voice was so small, it broke him.

He felt her heart tear itself in two. When the doctors carried her baby away from her, when Henry’s small, searching cries faded down the hall into silence, Killian felt as a piece of Emma’s heart went with him. Heartbreak didn’t come close to describing this feeling. It was as if a huge, yawning emptiness split open in her chest where her heart had once sat and consumed her.

***

Killian woke with a start, jerking up and dragging air desperately into his lungs. Beside him, Emma shot up, panting, eyes darting until she saw him. Her face was pale, her hair damp from sweat and sticking to her face. She opened her mouth, her eyes rapidly moving over his face, before flinching away from him and vomiting into the tall grass. He shot forward.

“Emma, breathe. It’s alright, it’s over. What did you-?”

“Probably a good idea to give her a minute,” a taunting voice called from behind them. “She had a hell of a ride in there.”

Killian’s head spun, white hot rage spilling into his blood. Behind them, Hades sat back in a plastic lawn chair, one ankle crossed over his knee, grinning.

“You bloody bastard,” Killian was on his feet, his hand clenched. The overwhelming urge to stomp the heel of his boot into Hades’ cold, dead smile, nearly blinded him.

“Ah, ah, ah!” Hades warned, a single finger raising in the air. “We wouldn’t want to do anything rash now, would we Emma?” He leaned over, calling to her. From her kneeling position, she shoved her middle finger over her shoulder without turning and spat in the grass.

“Hades if you’ve hurt her-”

“Me? Oh no, I didn’t do anything,” he said with mock innocence. “All I did was show her your memory.”

Killian felt his blood run cold. What memory could he have shown her for her to react like that? He knelt back down when Emma moaned, wiping the back of her hand against her mouth. 

“Ignore him,” she rasped. “I’m alright. It was-it was just intense.”

“Emma love, call off the deal. I won’t have you in pain like this, I can’t-”

“No!” her eyes burned as she reached up to grip him. “Killian, no, I can handle it. Please. I promise.”

Killian blew a sharp breath from his nose, trying to keep his composure. “Emma,” he tried to make his voice gentle but it still carried an edge. “Love, what memory did he show you?”

Her eyes went distant for a moment, and Killian felt his stomach tighten. He had lived centuries, had done countless brutal things. Any of them were enough to have her react like this. The question was, which one had Hades chosen?

“It was Milah,” she said after a pause. “The moment Rumpelstiltskin killed her, and took your hand.”

Killian went still, staring at her. Hades had shown her that moment? Milah’s face, frozen in fear, floated in front of his eyes, there and gone in seconds. A phantom twinge of pain jolted from his wrist reflexively.

“How much-” he swallowed. “How much did he show you?”

“Oh, I showed her everything, don't worry!” Hades's cheery voice called. “No gory detail left out. Gave her the full surround sound experience, didn’t I Emma?”

Beside him, Emma's face turned pale, her tongue darting out to wet her dry lips. Killian remembered the pain he had felt trapped inside her memory of Henry’s birth, the agony she had gone through, and felt dread turn his skin cold. She had experienced him losing his hand. Even in his most lucid recollections of that day, Killian had never managed to remember that pain in anything other than hazy, blurred-over recollections. He had pushed it so far from his mind to protect himself from reliving that brutal torment.

And Hades had just made her experience it in full, merciless detail.

“You bastard Hades, there was no bloody need to show her-”

“Show her what? The moment you decided to dedicate your life to avenging your one true love?” Hades asked, his eyes growing wide with mock innocence. He turned to Emma and grinned. “No offense of course. No shame in being the runner up.”

Killian surged to his feet, blood pumping, hook raised. He would bloody end him. Here and now.

“Don’t let him get to you.” Emma said, pushing herself up on shaky legs, to grip his arm. “He's not worth it.”

Killian spared her a glance. “He doesn't have the bloody right. He doesn’t have the right to reach into our heads and pull out our pain just to torture us with it.”

“Oh I’m pretty sure I do though. After all,” Hades steepled his hands together, his gaze locking on Emma. “We made a deal.”

“The deal was to test our true love, not whatever twisted game you’re playing at Hades,” Killian snapped.

“And that’s exactly what I’m doing,” Hades said, his tone taking on an edge of false sincerity. “True love isn’t just some cheap card trick, it’s the most powerful magic that exists. To have it you need to love so fully and completely that it’s like second nature. And you can’t have love like that when you don’t really know a person, now can you?”

The god of death gestured with both hands, like a demented talk show host. “Seriously this is a once in a lifetime opportunity here! I really wouldn’t pass this up if I were you. You,” he pointed to Killian. “Get to finally see inside the head of the saviour, finally learn what makes her tick. And you,” his hand swung to Emma. “Get to learn what kind of man Killian Jones really is.”

His words felt ominous. A promise and a curse all at once. 

“Ignore him,” Emma said. “I already tried to tell him earlier that this whole test was pointless.” She turned to look at him, her mouth turning up at the corners as a fire lit behind her eyes. “I already know exactly what type of man you are.”

“Mmmm, do ya though?” Hades asked with a hiss of breath, tilting his head to the side. “See, I'm not so sure about that. I mean you two have known each other, what, a few months at most? He’s got a whole three centuries worth of history before meeting you. Entire lifetimes lived before you were even born.”

His gaze sharpened, the edge of his smile growing pointed. “Are you really sure he’s even worth it?”

“Yes.” 

Killian sucked in a sharp breath at her sudden certainty. She turned and looked at him, her eyes holding promise. “Yes, I know he’s worth it.”

“Touching,” Hades said dryly. “Really. And for your sake, I hope you’re right. We’ve got a hell of show left to get through.”

Killian could feel the magic starting again, could feel the rush of it start to build, and shook his head. He still didn’t trust this, any of this. He knew how Hades made deals, and he knew there was no way he would give either of them up so easily.

“Emma said you agreed on a fail safe, a way out for her if she needs it. How do we know you’ll honor that?” He asked, stopping the god from conjuring another door.

Hades turned to give them a bored look, as if the question was barely worth his time. “Emma isn’t dead, not yet anyway. I don’t have any way of keeping her bound in the underworld with me. She has the ability to leave whenever she wants.”

“Yeah sure…one small problem though,” Emma glanced between the two of them. “I can’t exactly get up and walk out while I’m stuck in a sleeping curse, can I?”

Hades’s smile turned wolffish, his eyes lighting as if she’d finally said something interesting. “Well now, how funny you bring that up. I was wondering when you would.” 

When they both only stared at him, the god’s face fell. 

“Hello? Sleeping curse?” he said, gesturing to Emma with a flicking hand. “True love’s kiss? Big flashy light show? Thought this was all sort of obvious? Gods you two really are slow. Here.” he jumped to his feet, hands tucking into the pockets of his pants, and stalked towards them. 

“Let me break this down for you. You have two options, one; you see my test through to the end and test the strength of your love, or two;” he held up two fingers on his left hand. “If at any point you want the trial to end, all you have to do is kiss her. She goes back home, no hard feelings, thanks for playing, and you,” he turned to Killian, his grin predatory. “Stay here with me. And we go back to our fun little games.”

They were still for a moment, Emma hand in his squeezing tight. They could. They could just end this now. He could end this now, and save her. He turned to her, caught her tortured gaze. Her head gave one, barely noticeable shake, no.

“Unless, of course,” Hades continued, taking a step towards them. “You’re worried it won’t work?”

Killian blinked. An old, nearly buried dread rising in him like ocean water in a sinking ship. That old fear that Hades was right. That it wasn’t true love at all. 

Oh he loved her of course. He had never loved anyone the way he loved Emma Swan. Even the way he had loved Milah had been different. Not any worse or any less but…different. Loving Emma Swan was like loving the sun. It came as natural to him as breathing.

But in his weakest, most torturous moments of doubt he wondered. He wondered if she ever felt the same. She loved him, of course, in her own quiet way. And he had taken that love and cherished it, held it closely to his heart and lived off it, satisfied with all she gave him.

But. True love? In the depths of her heart was it really true love? The uncertainty of it killed him. And he knew that Hades was perfectly aware of that fact. He had practically split Killian’s head open, torn out chunks of him. Every fear, every doubt, every agonizing thought that Killian had ever felt, Hades knew. And now he planned to torture both of them with it.

“We’ll keep going with the trial.” Emma said, breaking Killian’s thoughts apart and scattering them.  “But we need real memories this time, not whatever sadistic thing you find in our pasts that you feel like torturing us with.”

“Ugh. Fine then, since you two want to be boring, we’ll do this your way! Let’s start at the beginning.” He flicked a hand through the air and another door appeared before them. “No more skipping to all the fun bits first. Off you go!”

They stared at it for a moment. It seemed to pulse with magic, threatening and inviting all at once. In his hand, her fingers were cold, the knuckles white where they gripped him tightly. He shifted, lifting his hook and brushing a lock of hair from her shoulder. Her eyes found his and locked on, a question in her eyes. He waited.

“What memory did he show you?” Emma asked finally, glancing up at him. “I’m guessing it was one of mine. Which one?” 

Killian debated not telling her. Did she really need to know how Hades had stolen that moment from her? But her face was resolute, her gaze steady. There was no point withholding this from her.

“You were in the hospital,” he said, watching her face. “Giving birth to Henry.”

“Oh.” she said, so quietly he barely caught it. Pain flashed across her face, fast and sharp, before her walls went up again and her expression grew blank. 

They both turned to look at the door as it swung open, the hinges squeaking slightly. He gripped her hand tighter, felt her hesitation before she squeezed back. Side by side, they walked through together. 

[frozenwolftemplar]

Writer's Month Day 18: Free

Fandom: Carmen Sandiego (Netflix)

Rating: G

Word Count: 2,730 (just dawned on me to include this, lol)

Summary: Carmen and Player have some time to themselves before meeting up with the others, and Player has a fit of inspiration for a fun way to spend it. After all, a park lawn presently being watered by sprinklers is basically an open invitation.

Author's Note: Someone in this fandom (not sure who) formed the headcanon that Player takes a gap year when he turns 18 and travels the world with Carmen; this fic makes use of that. Happy readng!

+++

“So:” Player didn’t look up from his phone as he walked, tapping and swiping through windows with practiced speed. “Shadowsan should get here later this evening, and Ivy and Zach tomorrow. Their ACME job just wrapped up in Seoul, so they’re good to hit an early flight first thing. Provided the plane leaves as scheduled, they should touch down sometime around ten-thirty, we all swing by the hotel to drop their stuff off, and then we should be good to get started on some sightseeing. Sound good?”

Merry lines crinkled around Carmen’s eyes as she looked over at Player, walking alongside her. He used the same clipped efficiency she remembered from the briefings that flowed through her comms before countless capers back when they were taking down VILE, and hearing it again caused something warm and comfortable to stir in her chest.

Was this what nostalgia felt like?

“Red?”

At the verbal nudge, Carmen blinked back to the mostly-empty park they were walking through and met his questioning look with a grin. “Perfect. It’s almost like you’ve done this before.”

“Who, me?” Player blinked up at her- he’d grown taller since she first saw him in-person, but she still had a good two or three inches on him- with obviously feigned innocence. “An expert in booking flights and scheduling rendezvous? What do I look like, some kind of tech genius to an incurable globetrotter who still can’t figure out how to book her own airline tickets?”

Carmen chuckled. “Something like that. And hey,” his footsteps broke out of their steady rhythm as she nudged him playfully with her shoulder. “I’m getting there. I booked our tickets to Osaka myself, didn’t I? And the train tickets to Matsumoto?”

He answered with an impressively flat look.

“Okay,” she amended. “Mostly by myself.” Because no matter that she was the one operating the touchpad and clicking the appropriate buttons, the feat would have been impossible without Player perched next to her in the hotel, coaching her through each screen and patiently pointing out where to click.

“That’s more like it. But hey, a few more cities, and you’ll be a pro. Maybe not as good as me, of course...”

Carmen huffed a laugh.“I can live with that. You said we’ve got time before meeting up with Shadowsan?”

Back down to the phone Player dove, pulling up and scrolling through windows with a speed Carmen’s eyes never could keep up with. “Just checking for any delays or traffic slow-downs...” he muttered as Carmen, at the rapid pattering of a jogger coming up behind them, took ahold of his elbow and steered him onto the grass (they’d already nearly been bowled over by her twice and what kind of master thief nearly had the same accident three times?).

“About half an hour.” Player slid the phone back into his pocket, matching his stride to hers as they stepped back onto the pavement.

Carmen hummed thoughtfully. Not much time, relatively speaking, but after a couple of months traveling together, they’d gotten remarkably good at making the most of even the briefest length of time. “We can work with that. Anything you want to-”

A sharp hissing sound cut her off. They both stopped and looked towards sprawling emerald-green lawn the path bordered, where an army of sprinkler heads had just popped out of the ground and were busily filling the air with misty plumes of droplets, sprayed out in wide, sweeping arcs over the grass. Player whipped towards Carmen, grinning wide, eyes alight with a sudden idea.

Carmen tilted her head in confusion, brow arched in incomprehension. They were just sprinklers, nothing to get excited about.

“It’s a hot day,” he said in a leading tone, nodding towards the lawn. “Want to cool off a bit?”

Carmen blinked.

....He couldn’t be serious.

Her confusion must have showed (not that it would have made a difference if it didn’t; she’d never cease to be amazed by just how well he could read her), because now he was looking at her with disbelief. “Don’t tell me you’ve never ran through sprinklers?”

“Uh...no?” Carmen looked over his shoulder at the grass being subjected to a localized rain shower, brows furrowed. Run *through* them? Was this a Canadian thing?

“Seriously?” Player looked at her quizzically. “No one, like, ever set up sprinklers to water the Academy lawns?”

She shrugged flippantly. “Never needed to. It rained a lot.”

“And your mom?”

“Artificial turf. She said she gave up on grass a long time ago.” Because apparently, grass did not mix with dozens of kids stampeding over it day in and day out for a decade plus.

”Uh-huh...” Player nodded slowly, letting her answer sink in. The second it did a grin burst across his face, impossibly wide and bright enough to cause Carmen to fight a squint. “Then this is perfect! I can finally show you something cool!”

The uncomprehending brow was arched higher. “Niagra Falls doesn’t count?” Because from where she stood, thousands of gallons of water rushing over a cataract was definitely a more impressive sight than urban lawn care.

“That’s different.” Player waved a hand, brushing aside one of the natural wonders of the world like it was as pedestrian as a rain puddle. “This is a summertime tradition. Every kid does it at least once. You *have* to. It’s the rule.”

A smirk answered him. “Even if I got hung up on rules-“ (they both knew she still didn’t), “I’m pretty sure they don’t apply here. I’m twenty-two.”

Player shrugged, unbothered by the technicality that was age. “So? Better late than never.” He crossed his arms and looked at her archly. “Don’t tell me the great Carmen Sandiego is afraid of getting a little wet?”

Carmen huffed through her nose. “Of course not.”

“Then...?”

“It’s just...” she chewed her lip, rolling her eyes upwards, away from his quietly expectant face to search the cloudless sky for words, then shrugged lamely. ”I’m just not used to doing ‘kid stuff?’” A pathetic answer, she knew, especially since she knew Player knew what an average day at the orphanage looked like for her, but playing tag with the kids in her mom’s yard or even Marco Polo with Zach and Ivy at a hotel pool (an old mainstay during their travels, one she’d never tired of and was frankly looking forward to once they finished sightseeing tomorrow and returned to the hotel; now that Player was here, they were going to try teams) just felt...different from what Player was proposing.

She supposed VILE was to blame for her hesitation, at least partway. She *was not* a part of them, but their old lessons were still a part of her, from protecting the face to perfecting the featherlight touch that was a master of stealth’s perennial pride to more delicate lessons in criminal comportment, memories tinted with the posh, perfumed scent of Cleo’s classroom. A professional thief, per the haughty echo that still rang in the back of her thoughts, always carried themselves with dignity while out in the field, a mantle of aloofness that precluded any unsavory questions from passers-by being an indispensable part of any outfit. Accordingly, when she’d taken up her own mission of bringing VILE to its knees, her modus operandi had, by habit, included the attitude of abstaining from any public displays of spectacle.

So, yes, VILE had a hand in her hesitation, but...not fully. Part of her sensed that even if she had grown up as her father intended, ignorant of them and away from their clutches, she’d still be wearing the mantle, albeit out of nature. She just...wasn’t that sort of person, she supposed, to spontaneously run through sprinklers in a public park, saving those indulgences in ‘kid stuff’ for more private venues; a mirror of sorts to how Zach and Ivy never did share her enjoyment of high-class galas (both far preferring the street fair fundraisers they frequented back in San Diego which, she could admit, held their own charms).

Player’s expression softened as he listened between the lines. “I get it, Red, but look around.” She obediently did, scanning the park in all of a second. The day, even as it slid towards evening, was too hot for most people to brave the outdoors, and the only person in sight that same laser-focused jogger who had eyes only for the pavement speeding under her Reeboks.

Player followed Carmen’s gaze as she tracked the woman and, in answer to her knotting brows: “I doubt she’d notice.”

Carmen didn't. True, the woman had proven to have commendable tunnel vision, but two definitely-not-kids running through sprinklers making a spectacle would likely be the exact sort of occurrence that would *force* her to take notice of her surroundings.

Hence her opinion remained unchanged: no way

But when she looked back at Player with a disagreement on her lips he was holding out a hand, hopeful, eager. “Please, Red? It’s fun...”

She supposed she should be embarrassed at how little it took for her to capitulate to puppy-dog-eyes and an enticing sing-song, but, well, what else could she do when such a request came from her best friend? And, well, when she looked at the sprinklers, still chkk chkk chkk-ing away, the sound oddly enticing, she couldn’t ignore the fact that a part of her really did want to.

She offered one final rebuttal, but the smirk curving the words robbed it of any purpose beyond their old, familiar banter. “I doubt getting soaking wet in your clothes is fun.”

"Oh, just wait."

The second she set her hand in his, he tightened his grip and bolted onto the lawn, darting through the jets of water and dragging her after him. Droplets laughed against her skin, splashing and tickling her with a cool so sudden she gasped. Then the laughter was seeping into her, causing a light, tripping feeling to bubble up in her chest. Ahead of her, Player tugged left, taking Carmen in a zig zag path, not missing a jet of water, laughing loud as she shrieked at each spray they crashed through, the giddy, wheeling sensation in her chest at last spilling over into a rush, wild and without reserve, of girlish giggles.

The sound spurring him on, Player banked sharp to a right, heading for a sprinkler head whose fan shaped plume was arcing high, unfurling straight into the air. A wild light blazed in Carmen's eyes as she saw his intention, and she summoned a burst of speed so she was no longer being dragged behind him, but running alongside, then ahead, strides long and pounding as she gathered herself and leaped through the spray, elegant and unfettered to cause the roe envy. She kept her speed as she landed, heading for the next jet to the soundtrack of Player racing not terribly far behind, whooping in a way she hadn’t heard before and cheering with abandon as she flew, arms spread out wide behind her, through spray after joyous spray, a wilding set free.

Crud, she would always be amazed at how good it felt to just play, no constraining rules or machinations for victory; no confining chessboard or suits of diamonds or spades to pen you in; just her and Player running through sprinklers, getting absolutely soaked for the fun of it. It was exhilarating in a way the capers never had been.

“There!” Player, bangs dripping into his eyes, laughed when they at last came to a stop on the far side of the lawn. “Told you it was fun!”

Carmen pushed a tendril behind her ear. “Yeah,” she panted, grinning wide, a lightness somersaulting joyously in her chest. Really, it was more than fun; she couldn’t explain how, but the sensation of racing through the jets coupled with the feel of her decidedly damp shirt clinging to her skin was oddly freeing, unlatching a door inside her she hadn’t realized had been shut and loosing all manner of coltish, frolicsome impulses she never knew were hidden inside her. She grinned slyly over at Player. “But you know what would be more fun?” Not giving him time to answer, she tapped him on the head. ”Tag!”

“Wha-“ he blinked after her as she bolted through the sprinklers again, fleet as the wind and completely heedless of the jets, shouting, over her shoulder, “You’re it!”

For a moment he stared, wondering how in the world Carmen, who’d needed an explanation for ‘Simon says’ when her mom asked her to lead the littler kids in a game, knew what ‘tag’ was (the possibility of Shadowsan teaching her back on the Island both did and did not make sense), then threw off contemplation in favor of, with a cry of “La Femme Rogue!” that would have had Zach and Ivy in stitches and Julia trying very hard not to be, taking off after Carmen.

“You will not escape this time!”

Such a bold statement very nearly came true as his quarry nearly doubled over laughing as she stumbled to a stop, hands wrapped around her middle (crud, that was a terrible impression).

“Ah ha! She has a weakness!”

“Not fair!” Carmen panted as she straightened and resumed running, albeit with a smaller gap between pursuant and pursuer than before.

“All’s fair in- WHOA!”

Proving that even in imitation she held the advantage over her old adversary, Carmen pivoted on a dime so Player’s reaching hand armed with ‘Tag!’ completely missed its mark and, being propelled by its owner’s momentum, proceeded to cause said owner to topple towards the ground. Player hastily tried to correct his balance, slow his fall, and regain footing in the slick grass, but ultimately his efforts proved futile, seeing him faceplant heavily- Thud! -on the ground.

A candle attacked by a bucket of water was doused slower than the sprightly mood that had glistened over the lawn.

“Player!” Carmen darted to kneel by her friend, breathing heavily but otherwise motionless. She moved to grasp his shoulder to shake, then thought better of it, leaving her hand hovering uncertainly in midair. “Player, I am so sorry, are- can you-“ Crud, she much, *much* preferred being the unconscious one. “Can you even hear me?!?”

“...Red?”

Carmen breathed out a sigh of relief (small relief, he could still be concussed or paralyzed or a dozen other grim possibilities). “Player, thank goodness, are you hurt or-“

“M’fine, Red. Just...”

She bent closer as he trailed off to hear better, completely missing how one of his hands was scuttling towards a sprinkler jet.

“Yeah?”

“YOU’RE IT!”

Grasping the head, Player shoved his thumb over the jet so it sprayed directly at Carmen.

“AUGH!!!” She fell back, spluttering and trying (uselessly) to shield her face from the spray with her hands as Player leapt to his feet, front smeared with mud and grass but eyes wild with fun. “That doesn’t count!” she managed once the water was back on its normal trajectory. “You didn’t tag me!”

“Eh,” Player shrugged, unrepentant. “A technicality. Besides, I thought you didn’t get hung up on rules?”

“Fair point,” Carmen, after some deliberation, conceded with a slow, thoughtful nod. She stood, idly brushing some blades of grass from her thighs. “And since we’re playing that way...”

She glanced up at Player, and he gulped, catching the way the sun snagged on the mischievous glint in Carmen’s eyes. “Uh oh.”

“I’ll give you a head start.”

On her next circuit, the impossible happened and the jogger paused, running in place as she watched the pair frolicking in the sprinklers, the earlier game of Tag having devolved into a tickle fight. A smile blossomed across her face and she turned to a man who had just materialized beside her, also watching the pair. “Nice to see young people enjoying themselves.”

“Yes.” The man nodded his concurrence, the years melting from his weathered face at an especially wild peal from the girl as the boy attacked an unusually ticklish spot on her ribs (no regrets on divulging that secret to him, that was certain). “It most certainly is.”

And none, Shadowsan thought with a grin as the jogger moved on and he turned back the way he came, letting Carmen and Player have this moment to themselves, the laughter frolicking at his heels lifting the corners of his mouth, deserve it more.

[cowboyschumi]

HEARTLESS

Summary: Lando Norris has entered his heartless era with no intention of leaving it anytime soon. Now he’s hunting for prey on Raya, and that’s where he stumbles upon you.

Author’s note: Y'all really thirst over Mister Norris, my god. English is not my first language. Enjoy the reading lovelies, interactions are much appreciated.

Warnings: Slightly suggestive, cheating mention, cursing ig. Tried to be inclusive, reader's gender is not specified.

————————————————————————

COWBOYSCHUMI | 2025 All rights reserved. Do not copy, translate, or upload on other platforms.

————————————————————————

Luisa was the best Lando ever had, everyone knew it including him, but he wouldn’t admit it out loud. The only ones cheering over their breakup were jealous, parasocial thirteen-year-olds.

But that was long ago. He moved on pretty quickly, not exactly beating the cheating allegations. Russian model this, Brazilian actress that… and it was all true. There was no denying. He was really enjoying his singleness, having a blast every heated Sunday. But beyond that? Nothing. He got scared easily by commitment or brushed off any trace of a slight chance of dating someone seriously.

He didn’t know why, this tendency to avoid and escape. Deep down, he knew he was hurt. Not hurt by someone else, though. He did it all by himself, ruining the only real thing he ever had. Fans who cared pointed it out: 'His spark is missing,' 'We miss silly old Lando!'

And after claiming he didn’t want to mature because he was happy where he was, he finally matured. Or at least, he pretended to, showing himself as nonchalant and bold. Expressiveness and cameras were just a performance, because in his daily life, he still acted like a teenage boy, eager to get laid

Anyone with an average experience on dating apps knew they were the worst—a way to boost egos based on looks, only to end up rejected and discarded. Raya seemed different, more polite, you guessed. You weren’t the dating type, but curiosity got the best of you. You wanted to know what the hype was about.

Lando, on the other hand, spent most of his day on that app. Every girl swiped right on him, but he rarely matched with someone he actually liked. He wasn’t too strict about looks, he was more of a 'the bigger, the better' type of guy.

Raya wasn’t Tinder. Access was limited, and confidentiality was a must. That’s why you were really surprised when you got in after an exhausting approval process. Your friends freaked out, screamed, and practically climbed the walls of your apartment—the excitement was real. Maybe even a little more than yours.

"Hand me the phone." I don’t even know all these people you’re swiping left and right on." Your patience was limited, and your friends knew exactly how to test it. They kept using your Raya like it was theirs while you minded your own business, eating ice cream. You had no intention of swiping, and the girls knew it, that’s why they took matters into their own hands.

"Oh. My. God. Shut up."

"That’s Lando Norris!" One of them immediately snatched the phone from your friend’s hands.

"Who’s Lando Norris?"

They looked at you like you had just committed a crime, or like they’d seen a ghost behind you. You weren’t sure if your question was out of place or if it was the fact that you had just spoken with a spoonful of ice cream in your mouth

"You’re kidding, right?" Finally, one of them spoke after a long, awkward silence.

FOMO—a word used by chronically online people to describe the fear of missing out, not knowing what’s going on, feeling excluded. That was exactly how you felt for not knowing who Lando Norris was.

"Formula One driver?" Now the phone was in your hands. You were reading his description with the screen practically glued to your face, like a mom who can’t see a thing unless it’s that close.

"That guy beat Verstappen a few times, right?" That was the only thing you could come up with, just from scrolling through Twitter and catching bits of the news. You didn’t know a single thing about the sport.

And sometimes, famous people liked that: their love interests not knowing anything about them, their jobs, the rumors, or the creepy facts.

Your Raya profile didn’t have anything special, aside from your picture-perfect photos. Celebrities didn’t actually care about you deep down—only if you fit their beauty standards. Being active and checking profiles wasn’t on your to-do list. It was just pure curiosity.

But somehow, you two matched. May the universe know under what circumstances and why.

————————————————————————

"When will I have the chance to meet you?"

His text was blunt, like you already knew each other. Maybe even a little desperate.

"What happened to 'Hello, how are you, my name is…'?"

You answered sarcastically, but truthfully. Not introducing yourselves was kind of rude. But you got the point, Lando didn’t care about who you were or what you had to say. The quicker you ended up in his bed, the better.

He laughed at your text, you had the kind of sense of humor he’d fall for. He wouldn’t lie, he enjoyed how obsessed girls were with him and how quickly the dirty talk escalated with just one message. But to his surprise, you weren’t that easy to win over.

"Haha, sorry. Is dinner fine with you?"

Wow, he was really a bad texter. The driest you’d ever seen, dare you say. Was it a guy thing or just a wannabe mysterious famous person thing? You hoped the conversation would be better in person because, damn, it’d be a shame if his pretty face had nothing to say.

"Send me the addy. I don’t need an F1 driver picking me up, I’d rather pass."

Your fear of speed was a thing.

————————————————————————

Lando was attractive. You weren’t exactly interested, but nervousness ran through your veins. Dates always did this over you—stuttering, sweaty palms, and way too much overthinking. You even considered canceling, but your friends wouldn’t let you.

You were a fashion design student, meaning you had some knowledge of trends and what suited your silhouette. Lately, silky long attires were your go-to for night fits; simple, elegant. You dressed for yourself, for comfort, but you’d be lying if you said you didn’t enjoy the attention and the flattering compliments on your fashion sense.

Monaco was small. Getting anywhere was a short drive, so the Uber didn’t take long. But as you stepped out of the car, your stomach twisted. The restaurant in front of you was huge, glowing with warm lights, yet no people coming in or out. The classic internet trap flashed through your mind—what if there was no Lando Norris waiting for you at all?

“Y/N?”

His voice sounded unsure. He was glued to his phone, shamelessly checking if you actually looked like the pictures he’d been thirsting over on that awful app.

You turned around slowly, mentally cursing yourself, and then your friends. And there he was.

He really screamed Formula One driver. The expensive car gave him away immediately. You had boots on, and he was wearing sneakers, making him not nearly as tall as you expected. You bit your cheek, trying not to laugh at the fact that you were practically the same height.

How were you supposed to act on a date with someone worldwide famous?

Lando leaned in to kiss your cheek, but you instinctively extended your hand for a handshake instead. The night hadn’t even started, and you already wanted the earth to swallow you.

“Shall we?”

He offered his arm, effortlessly charming. Gentleman, innit?

You hesitated before looping your arm through his, still not saying a word. But as you stepped into the restaurant, your stomach dropped.

The place was empty. No other customers. Just you and him.

Your face went pale because there was only one explanation.

He did not…

“Mister Norris!”

A well-dressed waiter greeted him with familiarity. They knew each other. With a simple hand gesture, he led you both to your table. The level of formality made you feel like royalty.

Dim lighting, soft music. A candle flickered in the center of the round table, it had the scent of chocolate, if your nostrils weren’t failing you. The ambiance was undeniably beautiful.

He really outdid himself.

You sat down, eyes narrowing at him. "You did not rent out this whole place just for us."

"Yeah, I did."

Lando chuckled, his smile boyish—like a kid caught red-handed. You playfully shoved his shoulder, you hated surprises and gifts in any format.

Your face burned red, so you instinctively hid behind the menu. Of course, he noticed. He found it adorable.

His foot lightly tapped yours under the table, trying to get your attention. "Are we playing hide and seek now?"

You sighed, setting the menu down just so he could see you roll your eyes. "What are you ordering?" you asked in a hushed tone, like it was some kind of secret, despite the fact that no one else was around.

Your elbows rested on the table as you leaned slightly toward him. He did the same. The tiny candle was the only thing between you.

There was no need for flirtation or innuendos—the tension was already there.

For you two, banter was enough.

————————————————————————

"So, fashion designer, huh?" He asked, cutting his food, trying to throw the conversation toward you.

"So, Formula One driver, huh?" You mocked him, mimicking his tone—because, seriously, that was the most basic question ever. Your background was more than obvious; it was explicitly written on Raya. But you got it—he was just as nervous as you were.

One thing Lando was sure of: you weren’t like his other dates. My god, you were hard to get. An hour in, and there had been no physical contact at all—just chatter, chatter. Not that he was complaining. You were an interesting and undecipherable human being.

"How many girls have you brought here?"

You loved making people uncomfortable with your questions, especially when you already knew the answer—you just wanted to see their reaction. Lando practically choked on his food at your out-of-the-blue assumption.

"W-what?"

It was hilarious how fast he grabbed his water, like he couldn’t believe how unfiltered you were. You repeated the question, and he had no choice but to answer.

"I don’t know… two or three?"

At least he was honest. Or tried to be.

————————————————————————

Dinner happened, to your surprise, quickly—because time moved fast when you were really enjoying yourself, losing track of it completely. Luckily, the Formula One driver caught up with your jokes, knowing exactly how to turn them back on you. Like an Uno reverse card. For you, there was nothing more intimate than teasing each other mutually and just the right amount. Some people couldn’t take a joke, and that was such a turn-off. But Lando simply got you.

Now, you were exiting the glamorous restaurant, shoulders covered by his huge coat. Your laughter was loud, and in just two hours, you had already built inside jokes between the two of you.

"Looking forward to seeing your replacement next Sunday if you catch a cold."

"And I'm looking forward to seeing your pretty face again."

He ended all the joking with a cheeky, flirtatious remark—he knew exactly how to make a girl’s legs weak using nothing but his natural charisma.

"You never shut up, do you?"

And then you did the unthinkable.

Without thinking twice, you pulled him in, your lips merging into one. Your heart was pounding out of your chest, finally releasing all the tension and need that had been weighing on you.

————————————————————————

The car you once eyed as luxurious was now the place where you were making out frenetically. The kissing was obscene, neither of you knew where all that passion came from, but it was addictive.

His firm hands gripped the fabric of your branded clothing, holding your hips in place, not wanting you to make any movement against his lap. It’d be the death of him—he was already suffering a nightmare between his legs.

Your fingers instantly got lost in his curls, tangling and pulling them mid-kiss. Lando’s mouth was practically fighting against yours, turning it into the sloppiest mess. Heaven had never felt this chaotic. You took your time exploring every corner of his mouth with your tongue, while his hands traveled deliberately across your body, wishing there was no fabric separating you two. His fingertips traced you as if you were as fragile as a sculpture, slow and delicate. You melted under his touch, squirming on top of him at the barest touch. It was inoffensive, yet he knew exactly how to caress all the right places.

A shiver ran down your spine as your body suddenly felt colder than seconds ago—a thin breeze brushed against your right thigh. He was sliding up your outfit, eager to go further.

"Easy, driver." A whisper escaped your lips, breathy from all the intense air-exchanging. Your lips brushed against each other, expectant but unmoving. "I know you like adrenaline and fast things, but not tonight."

Fucking on the first date wasn’t your thing, you had at least some dignity. This wasn’t just a hook-up; a few butterflies were already flying around in your stomach, and you despised it.

With half-lidded eyes, he looked up at you, locking gazes. His puppy-blue eyes were now dark with lust. His swollen, glossy lips formed a slight pout. If you kept staring at him—at his pathetic, needy, almost convincing face—you’d be stripping down quicker than lightning.

Trying to put an end to his little show, you placed a hand over his face and shoved him away, cutting off all dangerous eye contact.

"Not tonight gives me a free pass for a second date, according to my understanding." He contradicted you, attempting to sound smart with a cocky grin spread across his face.

"You really are something else, Lando Norris." You did your thing to keep him quiet, preventing any cringey pick-up line from escaping his lips, and restarted the make-out session.

He was relieved that you’d shut him up quickly, because the longer it went on, the more he felt like verbalizing the flying feelings in his stomach.

[r3starttt]

CAM-GIRL! ABBY

fucking you with a dildo | TAGLIST

DON'T BUY TLOU | PALESTINE MP | PALESTINE LINKS | DAILY CLICK |

She has you sitting on her lap. One of her hands on your neck, the other one in between your legs with her dildo, pounding your pussy to a point your words come out as sloppy whimpers.

Your eyes shut tightly and her fingers around your neck feel a bit too tight. The little breaths you let out sound more like desperate gasps for air. Until the softest pant brushes through your lips.

Your fucked up face being reflected on her glasses, just a bit foggy. "That's it baby, take it for me" She coos. Her fingers brushing the flesh of your neck as she let's go.

Her hand now on your hair, pulling you closer to her. Instictively you hide your face on the crook of her neck. Your whimpers hitting her ear while she keeps on thrusting the dildo over and over again.

Her lips meeting the skin in your neck at your every weak plea. "Hear that? fucking mess for me mhm?" and you just nod, giving her the pleasure to fuck you dumb, again.

Until you feel like you're about to cum, tilting your head back. your spine arching. Her eyes delighted with the sight of your breasts as you ride the dildo. "Wanna cum, baby?"

She takes a moment to make sure her phone catches the same sight she has in front of her. To get the nicest clip of your boobs bouncing, the minimum sight of the dildo now ridden by you.

You can't let out any coherent word. Just a bunch of whines, nodding in hope she'll let you cum. But she shakes her head, slowing her thrusts.

"Let me cum- please, need to cum" you manage to weakly speak, the words like mumbles.

Your hands seek for support on her shoulders, feeling the dildo deep inside you once again. Her hand soaked.

"There's my girl"

[writingmochi]

cast: drummer!jake ✗ videographer!fem.reader (ft. enhypen and &team’s 02 liners, katseye's sophia, and other idols)

synopsis: all jaeyun felt behind his drum kit is pride as his band ends another concert of the tour. then, his mind trails back towards you once again, the videographer recording their performance from the sidelines: the one he always ends his nights with. but when a short break before the last tour stop results in you trembling in his arms; your presence slowly dwindles away from him, making him wrestle with his feelings for you.

genre: coming of age, drama, romance, rock band au, musician on tour au, friends with benefits au, very angsty, fluff, mature content (explicit smut, traumatic experience), set in the same universe as my txt's soobin fic subterranean homesick alien

based on: music my bloody valentine's "come in alone" (1991)

word count: 30516 (30.5k)

warning(s): mental health discussion (survivor's guilt, ptsd, depression, anxiety attacks, suicidal thoughts), minor character(s) deaths, mention of a major car accident, medication (pills for depression, motion sickness, and birth control), self-harm, description of scars and wounds, blood, drug consumption (alcohol), piercings and tattoos (jake has a labret piercing and a full sleeve tattoo on his left arm. mc has septum and belly button piercings), sex used as coping mechanism, explicit sex (three scenes; from borderline pornographic to love making), unprotected sex, yun's dick is BIG, manhandling, hand job (m&f received), oral job (m&f received), dacryphilia, bulging, sub space, squirting, creampie, cockwarming, (if there is something i forgot, let me know)

message of the moon: remember that this story is fiction and do be careful and read the warnings at the top. all the idols mentioned here are not what they are in real life. jaeyun will be used more, but jake is also referred!

welcome! this fic tackles heavy topics, espeically regarding mental health after a traumatic event. i also want to suggest to listening to the fic whilst reading because it helps with the many inclusions of songs written here—both openly referenced to just implications. hope you enjoy!

playlist | visualizer part of the loveless anthology

musician that inspired the sound of amperhyphen: american football / car seat headrest

the air is electric as the spotlight shines on him. the sweat sticking onto his body frames his arm muscles as they move in front of him. the click track in one side of his ear as he gazes at the front. his friends were all in the zone as they all stood at the front of the stage—standing on top of them. his left arm was shining and showing his full sleeve tattoo while playing the snare drum. his right hand was counting on the hi-hats as he had to adjust his rhythm. nicholas, who is standing closest to him, moves his bass melody around his rhythm, following the down beat from his kick bass. while euijoo and jongseong play their guitar melodies interchangeably, making the sound of his crashes and tom-toms an anchor for them to follow.

behind the drum kit, jaeyun feels at home.

his hands drumming the snare so hard as he bit on his bottom lip, feeling the ring of his piercing cool against his skin, as the beat became faster. the end of the show is so near that he had to eye the bucket of drumsticks near his legs—finding one less of them after he broke one tonight. sweat on his dyed blond hair falling down as he felt the music all come together and enter his blood veins, like drugs that he consumes through a syringe so that he could directly feel seep into his cells. his vision continues looking at the crowd, their hands in the air. some are holding their phones; but in his band's genre of music, the audience doesn't need a phone recording to feel the euphoria of the night that will be imprinted in their memory. the spotlights shining on their faces as he could see himself in that crowd, watching his favourite band as they create music live that sounds even better than their studio counterpart. then, he trails his eyes towards the front of the barricade where security guards stood. and, there is also someone holding a camera, recording their audience having fun as the figure walks in front of the stage.

the people who noticed smiles and sing towards the camera as the figure walks to the other end of the stage before turning around, letting the lens capture the band's performance as the light shines perfectly on the face behind it. you.

you hold the camera still with your hands, eyeing from the viewfinder to capture the right scene before you of the band performing their hearts out, to then the stage where his eyes find yours; a smile forming on your face when he can also feel the electricity of the music combine with the one coming from you.

his hands move to the crash cymbals as the song nears the end. nicholas, euijoo, and jongseong all sang into their microphones as he mouthed the lyrics by his mic, head lulling following the rhythm, counting the bars of music in his mind to then stop! the spotlight shines on jongseong, who continues playing his melody meticulously on his trusty guitar as the music fades away. jaeyun hears the screams and cheers from the audience as the final song ends, wiping away his nose bridge, yet his eyes still stay on your figure who is shooting jongseong's solo for the recording, ending the song like it is written.

claps and cheers fill his ears as he can feel the jitters coursing through his body. jaeyun leans back on his stool as he takes a breath after playing for two hours by now. he could already feel the scratches on the thick blisters on his fingers—courtesy of gripping the drumstick—as he felt the outermost skin peeling off. the boy stands up from his chair, eyeing the audience, you, and then the spotlight that shines on him; blinking as he captures the moment.

"this is amperhyphen! thank you and good night!" euijoo's voice rings through the microphone as the spotlight shuts down on the stage. finally, he could take a fucking breath.

jaeyun picks up his water bottle as he leaps off the foundation of his drum kit, walking behind the speakers to the wing of the stage when he sees sunghoon clapping his hands, ruffling his hair when he arrived before him, to then move and greet nicholas, who was walking behind the boy. on his side, sophia is already pushing out their small towels for them to grab and wipe up their sweats. but, jaeyun's attention is somewhere else as he eyes the moving crews that are tidying up the venue and their instruments: to bring them to the next stop of their tour.

"the fuck, jake?" jongseong comes to stand beside him. his long black hair framing his face as he felt the brush of his guitar neck by his back. "you broke another stick when playing letters. i saw it flung near me."

"that means that he was fucking enjoying it, of course. i'm surprised that my guitar string hasn't snap yet." euijoo added as he leans into sunghoon's—their band's manager—side who replied with "don't fucking jinx it.". sophia stood in the circle too as she nods at jaeyun who had already use the towel to wipe his face, looking down to see the dark eyeshadow around his eyes melting onto the material.

"oh yeah, jay. i think your d string was a bit off-tune between silhouettes and twin fantasy," nicholas added after swallowing his drink from the water bottle.

"fuck! thanks nicho. didn't fucking caught it there. thanks again, dude," jongseong answers as he pulls off his guitar and places it inside the case full of stickers of band logos—from their own amperhyphen, and to their other favourite bands such as green day and radiohead.

"we gotta fucking celebrate the night. one more stop of the tour!" sunghoon said, wiping his own sweat as jaeyun recognised his hard work behind the stage. from handling the logistics of the instruments to the audio engineering and all others that. he could only nod his head as he looked at the stairs leading to the front of the stage, and instantly, he could feel his breath hitch when the final member of the core amperhyphen team finally approached the rest. his body continues to jitter as his eyes gaze at the figure.

you are wearing a red flannel shirt outside of your white t-shirt that is short enough so he could catch the glint of your belly button piercing because of the shine of the light. the camera is in a grip between your hands as you close your distance, hearing the greetings from the other boys as sophia wraps her arm behind your shoulders.

"the crowd is genuinely so fun tonight. i was fucking scared that they could pick up the camera and shit," you said as the others giggle. your nose scrunches as he gazes at the septum piercing while the others continue to converse. only some unintelligible noise comes into his ears as he pulls off his in-ear monitors and device of his body to be packed up along with the rest of the concert equipment. then, jaeyun's eyes meet yours once again. the wide smile on your face fades away as you read his expression, from the way he licks his bottom lip to slightly biting it, his stare hot and burning against your skin as he disregards the impromptu planning for the night.

you already guessed what he was going to do to celebrate the night.

"you're coming, jake?" euijoo's voice pierces through the wall of indecipherable noise as he finally glances around at the others. and by the knowing looks on some of them, such as jongseong and sophia, they already know that he has a plan going on for tonight: a plan that involves him and you.

jaeyun shakes his head before glancing back at you who is standing still, already eyeing him and waiting for his signal. his body moves quick as he breaks away from the circle and grabs onto your wrist, hearing you yelp as he feels the chuckles bubbling when hearing the others reacting to the two of you.

"don't forget your fucking bags, you two." sunghoon shouted as you replied with a "okay, hoon" and let the darkness of the hallway consumes you both from their eyesights.

the air is crisp as you feel your bag hanging by your shoulders, jaeyun dragging you with his letterman bag that is draped with his sweater hanging and tied across his chest. his fingers already signing for hailing on the road as a taxi came by the pavement and you both step into the backseats. as you leaned back against the soft seat while jaeyun tells the hotel name, you take in the view of the town you visted even if it is just for three days, taking in the scenery of it that looks more or less like a growing city. the skyline is still full of high-rises and office towers as the car drives into the dead of the night filled with glowing signs that captures the eye.

a warm touch rests on your ripped-jeans-covered thighs, turning to the side as you see jaeyun with his hot gaze on you. his smudgy eyeliner and eyeshadow frames his eyes that pierce into you even more, biting one side of his bottom lip that you know is already swollen—because he always bites his bottom lip when focusing on something and especially behind the drum kit. the streetlights let you see his simple silver labret piercings that cool down your lips whenever you feel it-

reality kicks in as you pick his hand up and curl it with your own, giving him a look that says, "please wait just for a bit." many times, he couldn't handle it. sometimes, he had already had you wrapped around his fingers and thrust you against the vanity table in the backstage area where sophia put on his and his members' make-up. sometimes, he had already using the bottom of his palm to make you dry hump for him, lips already marking your neck as you cover your mouth to not let a sudden pant came out. jaeyun had become more behaved since the first time you both hooked up at the start of the tour three months ago. he had access to groupies and fans—much of what euijoo and jay hook up with as, usually, nicho hooks up with soph—but jaeyun: he always picks you to end his night.

as the taxi stops by the lobby area of the hotel, a bell boy opens the door for the backseat as jaeyun puts a pile of cash on the tray by the driver.

"thank you!" you shouted as the boy helped you out of the taxi.

"big bucks over here. you're welcome!" the driver shouted back as you both giggle, leaving behind the bell boy who opened the door for you and the taxi as jaeyun and you jog towards the elevator as quick as possible. because it is nearly midnight, the elevator door opens quickly as you press the floor number where all seven of you have settled. leaning back against the back wall of the small space, you looked down to see his foot moving in rhythm like it was still on the kick drum's pedal. your interlocked hands holding on tight as you trail your look up towards his arms—his left arm full of black and red-inked tattoos that create contrast with his bare skin right arm. you let out a huge sigh when the screen above the door shows your floor, and the doors slide open.

"your keycard," you whispered-screamed to him when you bumped into his back by his room. his hand instantly moved to pull out the keycard from his bag's front pocket as he pressed and saw the unlocked green light on top of the handle. jaeyun twists it and pushes the door open hard as the closed curtain greets you on the other side of the room. you haven't even taken in everything when he closed the door and pushed you to it. one palm resting beside your head as he finally kisses you hungrily.

closing your eyes, you let your hands trail around his toned and sweaty body, feeling his wet locks clumped together as his piercing's cool texture presses down your lips. your hand grips his nape when you sense his lips biting yours. you kick off your sneakers away towards the door as he does the same before pulling deeper into the hotel room.

the warm bedside lamps are turned on and placed on each side of his double bed. jaeyun pulls away as he sees you put your bag beside his bed, pulling off his own letterman bag and placing it on his desk. adrenaline courses through him as he pulls away his white compressed tank top and feels the cool air brushing against his sticky skin. turning around, you are already perched on the front edge of the mattress, outer shirt strewn away as he realises that you both were wearing nearly matching outfits for the night. your palms are pressed on the mattress behind as you push your upper body upright. darkness clouded your eyes as he felt the same aura exuding from you as he also exudes.

the boy let out a groan as he stepped before you, grabbing onto one side of your face and leaning down to kiss you hard. jaeyun felt how your clean and short nails trailed down his shoulder muscles as he pushed his tongue into your mouth's cavern. your other hand cradling his face, brushing his angular cheekbone and gripping his jaw. his hands brush down onto the end of your tee as he pulls it away, letting him see the black bra that you adorned when he pulls it off of you. his lips trail to the button of your nose, licking against your septum piercing before trailing down towards your jaw and then neck.

"jaeyun…." you moaned out when he bites another mark on your collarbone. the only people in this world who fully refer to him as jaeyun are his parents, his brother, and himself. his best friends and bandmates all call him interchangeably with jake—because of the use of his english name as his stage name—and the crowd only knows him as jake. but when he heard you moan jaeyun after he told you his birth name for the first time months ago, he felt his world turn upside down and the blood flows more into his hardened cock that makes his jeans tighter—even until now.

he licks up the trail of your skin on a path, feeling the loose band of the bra by his upper lip after you unhook it, making his hands move it away and throw it somewhere in the room. your perky nipples stand tall as his trail runs down and licks one up while gripping the other boob with the amount of force you liked. your hands burshes his fringes to look down at his head by your chest—worshipping your body as he continue to learn every time you both fuck. your favourite places to be kissed, to be touched, to be gripped, and to be marked.

a chuckle bubbles out from you as he continues downward and licks around your belly button that adorns your piercing, his hands unbuttoning and unzipping your jeans as he brushes his lip ring on your lower tummy, feeling him getting closer to where you want him. pulling the jeans away, he sees your matching black underwear sticking onto your hips as he trails kisses from your knee to your inner thigh. you lean up with one arm pushing your upright, the other hand raking on his back as you could feel the healing scars that you inflicted on him the last time—marking him the way you like it.

his breath brushes the wet spot on your underwear as your body squirms, reacting right to his touches as he licks a strip around your slit and finding your clit at the same time. you muffled your moans by biting your lip as he continues before brushing the fabric aside. jaeyun could see your libia already opening for him, letting him see your hole that is only reserved for him. your slick is already coming out as he felt how you were already wet for him, even without foreplay. like it started when you see him on stage. like he also felt the bulge grazing his thighs when he sees you below the stage whilst drumming.

"jaeyun- fuck!" you gasp at the sensation when he pushes his tongue into the hole, the cool lip ring surface touches your warm skin as he finally looked up to your face. the boys' eyes continue to pierce into you as you try your best to hold on the eye contact and not roll your eyeballs back into your skull from how fucking good he is fucking your walls orally. your hips continue to squirm as he pulls away and suck your clit, pushing two of his fingers into the entrance as they scissor you opened—widening the opening for him.

"prepping you to take me in deep until my balls hit your hips," jaeyun mumbled against your skin as he watched your knitted eyebrows from pleasure, pushing the hole wide as he thrusts up his fingers into you.

"always… prepared… for you," you mumbled back as he pulls his face away, letting you see the sheen around his lips from his saliva and your slick as you presses down your thumb to the middle of his bottom lip with his piercing, making him lick the fingertip as he continues opening you up for him. jaeyun stands up on his feet and leans forward to you once again, making you let out a free flow of moans as he continues to open you up with his fingers as both of your lips press against each other. your hands grasping his hair and neck as your toes curled up under your socks, feeling your pulsating wall after he pulls out, then giggles when your whines travel to his ears.

with him pulling away from the front of bed, you drag yourself up to the end when you felt the headboard and the pillows behind you, eyes gazing at him who is taking his jeans off as you spread your legs beside you, folding your knees before you push the area behind your kneecaps towards your chest—showing his reward to him by opening so much for him. jaeyun chuckles as he could see how desperate you by the way you are spreading your legs like he is yours, finally pushing down his boxers as his long and thick cock stands upright and taps against his abs. you eyed his member with a lick on your bottom lip as he crawls over, already prepared as ever to wrap your walls around him.

jaeyun crawls his body on the mattress and kneels by your spread hips. he brushes his sensitive part as he puts his palm before his mouth. you hear him spit then he pushes his open palm down towards your mouth, letting you spit on it as well, before he uses the palm and stroke his cock. the boy hissed at the coolness of the liquid as he already felt his pre-cum flowing out out of his slit. leaning closer, you eyed him playfully, pushing yourself to brush his tip on your lower lips.

"hmm…" you reacted with a high-pitched whimper.

"look at you. so hot and bothered for me," he spoke above you as you nodded your head. when his tip catches onto your opening, his sight focuses on you as he plunges deep. you can feel yourself getting so full—your eyes rolling back into your skull.

"fuck yes!"

"fuck yes, (y/n)." jaeyun echoes your word as he pushes himself deeper until his balls touches your hip. his tip meets your cervix as your walls clamp and adjust around him. you roll your eyes back as you gaze at his intoxicating face, his sight focusing on your rising and falling chest before he zones out. you let go of one of your legs and bring it to lean against his shoulder, breaking his trance as your free hand finds his that is gripping onto your waist.

"you can move," you whisper only to him as he gets your command, pulling back until more than halfway before plunging back in. his vision now focuses on your face as you nod even more, urging him to continue before you mouth "faster" to him. the leftover adrenaline from the concert comes back as he adjust his pace, faster like you want him.

your jaw is unhinged as you let out strangled moans that feeds into his ego, knowing that when you lose your push to voice out a moan means that you are already deep in pleasure from his cock. he groans out. sounds like skin slapping against skin and the light thumps from the mattress against the wall fill the room as you stretch yourself open for him. when he leaned down closer to your torso, you shrieked as you folded your knee towards his frame.

"s-so deep-" you moaned out, letting go of both of your knees as you folded them at the back of his upper body, letting him press you down underneath his body as his hips falter in the pace but he replaces it with how full he is filling you up. from the tip that your lips are gripping on, to then plunge deep until you feel him by your cervix. you feel the familiar burning stretch as his torso moves forward—folding yourself more than half for him. sweat continues to trail down his hairline until it reaches the outside corner of his eyes, mixing it with his black eyeshadow before it trails down and thins out on his cheek.

the bottom lip of yours is bitten as you try your best to gaze at his face. his adam's apple bopping as he swallows every breath whilst thrusting into you and you following him—not making him go fully out of you. one of your hands reaches for his inked tricep before moving to his shoulder, making him lean more as he finally smashes his lips on yours once again. your tits moving against his chest as you moaned into his lips. your hand, that is behind his left shoulder, is already curling into his skin as his hands hold himself on each side of your head, tangling it with your spread legs so he can push deeper into you than ever before.

trembles came from you as you let out a shaky breath, mouthing your impending release as he felt it on his lips before your jaw was widely agape and you sank your head into the pillow as deeply as possible. your fingernails digging into his back muscles as he continues to thrust yet slowly, letting him take in your euphoric expression with your folded legs holding onto his shoulders that continue to shake. you sense how your walls are fastening on his cock, yet still feel the moisture that is produced from your cum as he is getting even harder than ever inside you.

pushing with all your might, his body now lies on the mattress with you at the top. after fixing your position in a more comfortable one, you sink yourself down until you are practically sitting on his lap with his member inside you. your upper teeth biting onto the centre of your bottom lip as he is doing the same. eyes dark and warm gazing at you like something he is so proud to attain. in your mind, you shake your head as you wet your lips and press your hands against his abs, pushing yourself upwards before falling onto him.

you continue doing so, perceiving every muscle of your walls clenching onto him as the moist sound continues to get even louder. sneaking to look at the area where you both are connecting, you stare at how your arousal mixes together to create an opaque ring around the base of his cock: of your cum and his pre-cum. with a knowing look from you, you continue your flury of moves as you bounce on him, feeling the oversensitivity coming to you as his groan is a signal of how tight you are sucking him in.

"come here," jaeyun said as he pushed himself upwards. back now leaning against the headboard as he brought your upper body to him. you felt his knees folding behind you as you can't help but let your tongue meet his as he guides your hips while moving his own—pushing his hips up into yours. your hand is clenching onto his tense muscles as you moan back into his mouth, finding his back as you pull him into you, just like he does to you.

"y-yun." you curled yourself into his embrace and moaned into his ears. his energy pushing through to get you to come one last time.

"close?"

"yes! mpmh-" your lips meeting his again to muffle the noise that he is also letting out from the neighbours close to his hotel room. hips meeting his as he held onto your waist, feeling how your figure trembled as he moaned into your parted lips. eyes open wide, you met them with his that is frowning from how tight you are holding onto him—cumming for the second time of the night.

leaning in, the tip of your nose presses against his before you move your head to his forehead meeting yours as well. one of your hands trails to his face as you feel his thrusts getting sloppier, pressing your thumb down against his hoop lip piercing as he licks the fingertip.

"fucking cum in me," you say, full of frustration but also coated in lust as your lips brush against his when you speak. his thrust suddenly becomes quicker as he chases after his high like so many times you and he have done before. forehead pressing hard against each other's as his moan fell out between his open lips. jaeyun tilts his head to finally meet his lips against yours as you can feel his semen squirt out inside you—warming you up from the inside.

you both breathe so heavily as you sit upright. his cock inside you plugging his cum so that it doesn't slip out as you both stare at each other. with another tick, the tension melts away, and you both giggle.

"i still can't believe that you have that much energy after every gig," says you who lets both of your forearms rest on each of his shoulders.

"i got more kick of adrenaline when i know that every night, i will be here inside of you."

"oh, shush." you put a pointer finger in front of his lips as he playfully opens them to nibble on it. the cycle of breathing came from both of you as he continued to warm you from your nether region. you gazed at his dyed hair, noticing his natural black hair growing from the roots, showing just how much time has passed as you still remember his fully dyed blond hair when you first saw him. his eyeliner still sticks on his waterline with a few smudges from the sweat of performing and the tears of pleasure creating a shadow around it.

"can you help grab my bag?" you said as jaeyun's hold on you continued, moving both of you slightly nearer to the side of the bed. the movement makes your body bounce as you continue to clamp onto him, eyes already rolling at his method of doing so as he cock brushes against your walls. his muscles tensed up as he picked up your bag before placing it on the space beside you.

"you're sleepy, i know. but you gotta clean your makeup first," you muttered as you brush around in your bag—from feeling your notebook to your wallet and phone—to pick up the bottle of makeup cleanser and cotton pads. jaeyun finally leaned back on the headboard, sturdy enough to hold him upright as his hands were still splayed on your waist. after pouring the right amount of it on the pad, you exhale as he closes his eyes, letting you clean out his eye area as he reacts to the cool sensation, continuing to hold onto you.

wiping away his makeup, you let his skin breathe as you find one of his eyelids void of obvious signs of eyeshadow and eyeliner. looking from afar, you could see the inner youth jaeyun still has within him—even with some creases around his eyebag area from maturing into the fully fledge young adult. your hand rested on his jaw to help clean the canvas that is his face more easily. then, you felt him pushing his head forward with a little pout forming, making you giggle as you continued to clean his makeup.

with three pads used, you lean back a bit to take in his beautiful face before you. a few blemishes rest on his face including an unsmooth texture to a scar that blends in with the rest of his skin tone. yet this softer jaeyun is the same as the one you recorded on stage on your camcorder, banging the drums as the metronome of the songs with his best friends in a small, albeit sold-out, performance.

when jaeyun opens his eyelids, your breath catches off guard as he peers at you. his pupils looking around your face as you felt the familiar surge of post-sex sensation faltering away in an instant—making you question why you are here in the first place. looking down at the bottle and the rest of the cotton pads, you packed them into your bag as the boy's breath settled down before you. after that, you push yourself up as his cock lays on his body, feeling the breeze that comes through you as you felt his cum already near dripping out—landing more on the base of his cock as you can already imagine just how slimy your core is.

"i have to go," you said to him as you move away from his lap and stand on the edge of the bed, eyes set on your black underwear as you rush to get them and tuck it on, stopping more of his cum leaking out of you while also making the cloth now stained. and when you approached him to get your bag by the bed after tugging on your jeans and t-shirt with the flannel shirt and black bra on your hold, you felt the familiar warmth grip your wrist.

"stay," he had said, his ruffled bangs that is now covering most of his forehead making him look much more innocent even before people notice that he doesn't wear anything under it. his confident body still exposed against the cool air as you strain yourself to not trail your gaze down. but you shake your head as you pull his hand off yourself and feel its searing grip creating an imprint.

"i have to go. i still have to pack my stuff."

such an easy lie to say, knowing it is half true. because you have packed your luggage a day ago with only the clothes you'll be wearing for the next two days in the wardrobe.

a smile adorns your face as you put the rest of your clothing items haphazardly into your bag. you pivot one last time at him, seeing his familiar unreadable expression that he will always show when you have to get back and leave him behind. maybe he had felt something more than what this is. because you both had set up this situation as full of benefits that are only fulfilled sexually. no underlying emotion should seep out other than lust and how it helps relieve, or in the case of jaeyun, how it helps relax.

"good night, jaeyun," you uttered, tucking the strap of your bag on your shoulder with your hand gripping onto it.

"good night, (y/n)," he echoed, still leaning against the headboard as his piercing gaze stayed on you until you weren't seen from his spot on the bed.

hanging the pair of shoes with your fingers, you rummaged your bag's small pocket to find your own keycard as you stepped in front of your hotel room. entering it, the lights that greet you are dimmer than what jaeyun has, as only the lights from the desk and on the bedside table in between the two twin beds are lit up. you walked towards your bed and placed down your belongings before pulling out your skincare pouch from the bag.

the familiar cotton pad that once cleaned jaeyun's makeup is now cleaning yours. the liquid smooth cleansing milk moves along with your movement as you eyed yourself in the mirror. dust and makeup staining the white pad as you felt his remains still leaking out of you and nearly dripping onto the jean material you're wearing. finding your bare face from the reflection—your concept of time is fleeting out as you don't know how long it took for you to actually clean your face, you rush up and grab onto your sleeping clothes before stepping into the bathroom.

underneath the cold water shower, you feel his warm touch dispersing as you try to not think about anything further from what you have with jaeyun. 'maybe he got emotional because it is nearing the end of the tour,' you were thinking as you brush the bubbles from the soap against your marked skin, sensing the pain when you accidentally push on the skin with too much force. his cum now falling and mixing into the water as you clean your lower region while leaning against the nearest surface—numbness finally caught up to you on your hip area from the ways he fucked and manhandled you.

with your sleeping clothes on as you dry your hair as best as you could with the towel before letting it air dry, you went back to the desk again as you pulled out your nightly skincare products that involve acne care and for your dark circles. then, you hear the click of the door unlock as you turn and see sophia, your roommate for the past three months of the tour, coming in still giggling as her sway shows just how tipsy she was, even if it is only the leftovers.

"hey (y/n)," yet she said so casually.

"hi soph," you reply.

she steps deeper into the room as her hands find the backrest of the sturdy chair you are sitting on. her eyes nearly threatening to close before focusing on yours as you put the acne solution on the place where the area with remaining acne scars is. a pouty smile comes out from her as you could already tell that she can see the sex glow on you, like the many times she had mentioned ever since you came forward and told her your very active sexual rendezvous with jaeyun.

"did you clean jake's makeup? i really don't wanna make him get that big batch of the little pimples along his face that i had to cover up."

"yeah, i did," you answered. sophia is always meticulous as ever when it comes to the band's appearance. she will find solutions to make the boys' skin much healthier. you have heard her mad when she notices jaeyun has some pimples on his cheek and the many speeches she talks with all of them about them not taking care of themselves. it's the reason why she is always prepared with fresh, clean towels after every show—to wipe away any sweat and grime on their faces to clean themselves up. the appearance of a band that plays alternative rock and midwest emo songs is meant to be grungy, but when the stake of popularity of the band rests on their members' visuals as well as their music, especially in this economy; it becomes a great asset to upkeep.

your eyes followed sophia's as she turned her head to the side of the desk where you had another pouch open. her mind is sober enough to process a lot of things as you let the acne solution dry out on your face, creating inconsistent dots of chemical white before she then also reminds you.

"don't forget the pills, yep?" she said so nonchalantly as you glance to find your new strip of birth control pills peeking out. one pill out for today because you finished your menstrual cycle yesterday. a pout shows from you, even if it is not so prominent. you nodded your head, mind returning to the reason why you use birth control in the first place: because of jaeyun.

you have not been sexually active before you meet jaeyun. the tightness of your wall clamping onto his condom-covered cock the first time he insert himself into you is the pain you are never forgetting—because you also feel it for the first time in your life with him. he doesn't know it that way and you don't really want to announce it to the boy as of recently, but being with jaeyun made you feel wanted differently in your whole life. a life that is full of expectations, memories that some you want to leave behind yet still stick with you, and ever ever-changing job to hustle in your life. jaeyun's searing touch against your skin feels different than the romantic partners you had in your life—those that only saw you as this cool kid they would like to date because of how alternative you are—yet when you meet someone as alternative, then you can actually feel the numerous substances combining into a chemistry miracle.

and yet, you both only defined your relationship as pleasure-seeking: to end the day with calm and relaxed selves. your arrangement with each other only happens because sunghoon hired you from your personal collection of concert pictures and videos you watched since you were a freshman and sophia vouching for you since you both went to the same college. in the end, it will only be temporary. jaeyun will go on his merry way, banging his way into people's hearts with amperhyphen. while you? you don't know what to do. maybe finish your degree that's going to accumulate in cost. but you know that you want to stay close to music: you don't know if it's off stage like right now, or on stage like you used to do.

sophia quickly pecks your wet hair before approaching her side of the wardrobe full of her fashionable clothes—you know that you will have to help her pack tomorrow morning before check out. her face is flushed as the alcohol continues to seep into her cells as she picks up her sleeping clothes to end her day and start tomorrow in.

"oh yeah! where's the last stop going to be again?" you watched her from the mirror across from you, moving behind your chair towards the bathroom before facing back to you at the front of the open doorframe.

"haeyang," she answered in a beat. just like the thumping of your heart that quickens when you hear the town name.

inside you, it all comes crashing down. tinnitus showing up in your ears as you sense your head spinning. headache forming as your eyesight becomes blurry, unable to see your reflection on the hotel room mirror again. but you see something else: your reflection on that day, marred with scars and blood dripping down your face on the reflective surface as the orange sky shines upon yourself in that very moment. your trembling, bloodied hand holding your phone after calling the emergency hotline before adrenaline kicks in and makes you move.

the water runs inside the bathroom as sophia cleans away her worries, while yours come back to haunt you. every inhale feels so heavy as you shake your head to bring you back to sanity once again. but those flashbacks—nightmares—returns and will not be going away as they stake their claim in your mind for the time being. until this attack stops.

your hands reach into the pouch full of pills that you rely on for these past three months, eyes frantically scanning every brand and medicine name as you find the pill bottle that is inscribed with your name. you just hoped it hadn't expired from the last time you consumed it as you pop open the cap and take open pill out. the pill goes down along with the water as you read again what your prescribed antidepressant pills have in them before tucking the bottle away so sophia doesn't see it.

resting your head on the pillow, you turn your head towards the window covered by the sheer curtain—still letting the moonlight shine inside the room. you can feel the placebo effect of the pill kicking in as you reassure your heartbeat's rhythm is back to normal and stable, knowing that the pill's chemical will only take effect when you are sleeping. the tiredness in your muscles and your mind finally makes you close your eyes, hoping to not think of whatever tension you and jaeyun have when you clean his makeup, and especially hoping that the flashback doesn't come back to haunt you for the rest of your sleep.

because you will need this deep sleep to face the next few days.

-

the drumming engine of the 7-seater SUV trembles as jaeyun is reminded of the ghost sound of snare drum, kick drum, and hi-hat playing in the same rhythm all the time. the sound that rings every time he goes to the venue for his rehearsal. the sound that permeates when he enters the venue and goes to the stage to find his drum kit empty—only finding you, who is taking in b-roll footage to add to the videos you will then upload to social media to excite people about their last stop in the national tour.

his vision gazes at the moving scenery of the highway whilst he continues to rub against your back, your head leaning onto his shoulder as you let out little snores. even if he wanted you to stay the night and sleep with him and you reply with rejection, he is still the one who will let you sleep in the car. you always had your water bottle and a pill ready before entering the back of the vehicle with the many duffle bags resting beside jaeyun as they don't have any more space in the trunk. jay already asking what the pill is when you first do it in front of him.

"it's for motion sickness. i get car sick if i stay in a car too long."

and so, when sophia was the one who sat in the very back with you, she became your pillow as you slept your pain away until she woke you up when you arrived at the next town. but ever since jaeyun's growing relationship with you and sophia's relationship with nicho, he moves to the back and lets himself hold you upright so he could see his best friend getting it on with the girl that he likes. it is what friends are for, right?

your hair covered nearly half of your face as you slept as soundly as ever. he did notice how tired you seemed when they had to pack up, so he hoped that the pill would help to let you rest so you could be more energised when the vehicle arrived. because out of all the towns he went to, haeyang is the one he anticipated the most.

haeyang itself is a town—the marketing statistics show—where most amperhyphen fans come from. its growing hipster scene as a campus town also helps with the beautiful scenery of a mountain, hills, and the sea. he couldn't wait to explore haeyang with you because he thinks you would love the town, especially with the similarities you share with him from your relationship.

"hey, jake!" jongseong asked from the seat in front of him, turning his head so he could look at the figure seated behind him as he spoke, "when are you available for those drum lessons? jungwon is already asking me for dates after we are back home."

said boy chuckles as he replies with, "didn't your brother say that he had a college orientation? maybe before that is good."

"next week, then. let me text him back," jay types away into the chat message between him and his brother, jungwon. the little brother of two has always wanted to play drums ever since jongseong allows the band to practice in his house's garage, finding his older brother and his bandmate jamming away from covering their favourite songs to practice their own written songs every time the younger arrived home from high school. jungwon has an affinity for jaeyun's drumming, reacting in focus to how jaeyun plays the beats perfectly so that it wouldn't be too fast or slow. he feels honoured in inspiring his best friend's younger brother to play the instrument he truly loves.

the outside view continued to go past as the plains of the barricaded highway slowly were being overwhelmed by hills full of trees. the SUV goes through tunnel after tunnel and when the highway continues after the last tunnel has gone by, he could actually hear euijoo's gasp from the shotgun seat. from the view of the small window beside him, the hills are now replaced by the vast sea. islands are freckling upon the waters farther out from the shore as he felt you stirring in your sleep—somehow knowing that all of you have reached haeyang. looking through the window on the other side where you are sleeping, he found buildings on the forefront of hills—a little barricade to cover up the town's nature.

jaeyun's hand gently holds your waist as he looks to the front to see that all of his friends are staring outside of the car windows in wonder. sizzling noise of the fm radio dissipates when the frequency finds a local radio station that plays the sound of an indie folk act as the acoustic guitar fills in the space—introducing the town as this familiar and authentic place, where it is not been fully replaced by large gentrification projects unlike the towns he had performed in.

"hmm…" you hummed beside him, making the boy pivot his head to look down at your head on his shoulder, watching as your eyelids fluttered open, your sight meeting his neck before peering upwards to meet his.

"have we arrived?" your mumble reaches his ear as he nods. slowly, you push yourself against jaeyun to sit up, blinking the sleepiness away as you look around at the windows showing the scenery outside of the vehicle. he watches as you take in the view, a slow yet huge inhale and exhale coming from your body as you continue to stare outside. the sunlight captures your face perfectly as his eyes flicker on your side profile. the light shines on the surface and makes your iris colour much more pronounced. yet, your face remains still as you watch along the moving scenery—he focuses back on your eyes to see that there is something sort of blue in them.

when sunghoon mentioned that they would be in haeyang for six days as the last stop of the tour, the boys were already trying to set up things to do since day 1. catching onto the talks that they had of their last night celebration—which jaeyun and you only got to know this morning after what you were doing the previous night—they already had an idea of something to do today. and as they all check into their motel rooms at the establishment near the haeyang beach, his eyes looks back towards you who is waiting for sophia to unlock the door a few doors from him. and how your hand are clenching then unclenching before meeting sophia's sight as you give her a smile and entering the door.

as the sun sets on your first day in haeyang, all seven of you gather at a karaoke place where sunghoon booked a large room that you all can fit into and prance around. finger foods to full-on meals sit on the tables alongside bottles of flavoured soju and a bottle of tequila as jaeyun sits on the cushioned sofa, his arms resting on top of the backrest, curling it behind your figure who is sipping from the shot glass of the peach-flavoured soju. jongseong and euijoo rock out on the space in front of the tv to the green day song they're singing, both of them taking turns as they play air guitars with their hands forming the chord on their imaginary fretboard. sophia is recording them with her phone as jaeyun caught your giggles from watching the two's shenanigans—seemingly much better emotionally from when he saw you in the morning.

"oh, fuck me! we should actually cover this song next time," euijoo says as he twirls his body before collapsing on the sofa and jongseong collapsing on top of him, playfully crushing the boy as they both battle it out with their hands.

"we fucking should. i would definitely love learning that bass solo at the bridge. it's fucking rare to get bass solos in songs." nicho fans himself, jaeyun turning to see his face a bit flushing from the alcohol as he sways to lean against sunghoon, who is just looking at his friends very perplexed.

"who's turn is it?"

"my turn!" sophia exclaims as she picks up the tablet that controls the karaoke machine. the letters filling in the query box one by one as jaeyun recognises the word and the famous song it is related to.

as the percussion plays into the speaker, the familiar synth of toto's africa rings out into the room as the boys are all cheering with sophia as they all stand up, hand in hand and sway from side to side. jaeyun chuckles at what his friends are doing as he hears her sing the lyrics, trying as best to match up with the key. then, sophia reaches for the other abandoned mic on the table and pushes it towards you.

"come on, (y/n)!" she eggs you on. eyes all turn towards you as you let out a small shake of your head. in the numerous times all seven of you have done karaoke, you never sing. you've never picked up the mic and led a round of singing like everybody does. you are usually sitting there, gazing at everyone who sings their hearts out whilst giggling with a glass or a spoon in your hand, enjoying the cuisine served instead before clapping your hands when they finish performing. everyone in the room knows this, but with the boy's eyes looking at the girl's expression: sophia knows you more even than jaeyun.

"i know you can sing. i always hear you sing this song in the shower," she slips the mic into your grasp as you sit up with your back straight on the edge of the cushion, holding the mic up against your lips before downing the rest of your soju as you blinked the bitterness away. when he looks at your face, he doesn't see denial anymore—he sees determination.

"'hurry boy, it's waiting there for you~'," sophia sings before turning around, eyes on you as she signals "the chorus is yours." with a deep breath, jaeyun watches you let out a smile and lift the microphone in front of you.

"'it's gonna take a lot to take me away from you~'," you sing the first line of the chorus before the boys' cheers muffled your voice as you continue on. jaeyun's sight focuses back on sophia, whose smile is so wide as your voice rings from the speakers. your body leaning forward as you gave your might to sing the lyrics out loud.

sophia is right. you can sing, and you sing well. and so, only the presence of your body lingers beside him as sophia drags you to stand up beside her. the mic is held in both of your hands as she wrapped her arms around your shoulder, swaying you along with the song as even sunghoon can't help but to smile seeing you finally be courageous enough to sing. jaeyun leans back on the sofa, staring at your singing figure and his friends who are singing along. the timidness that he recognises thaws away as you continue to sing—even filling in on the notes sophia couldn't reach with such a perfect pitch. he knows that, if he had a voice timbre like yours, he wouldn't even stop singing. and as you continue, hearing the way your voice stabilises with confidence, even allowing you to startle sophia where you take the lead: he realises that you are in your element. jaeyun doesn't even know where it comes from, but you have only known each other for three months now. there are many aspects in your life he hasn't fully explored. and if singing is one of them and you are good at it, he is determined to know more, even with the short time he has left.

as the song's instrumental bridge plays and he looks at you and sophia dancing hand in hand, he can feel warmth spreading from your smiling face. and as you sang the first line of the chorus for the last time with enthusiasm in your voice, sophia continued along with you as the boys followed in, singing the iconic lyrics to africa and how it repeats and repeats. with his mouth following along—jaeyun's eyes are still on you as he notices how your voice is losing volume compared to the others in harmony. but then, your smile fades away in a moment. the fluidity of your movement suddenly becomes stiff as your lips, which were mouthing the lyrics perfectly, began to stagger. the lights from the screen reflected in your eyes as he notices more and more glimmering in them—looking downwards as your chest starts to heave openly before closing your eyes.

the last of the chorus fades as the boys and sophia are singing the lyrics along with the synth melody that is now stuck in their heads. however, jaeyun is the one who notices you sobbing in sophia's arms with your head tilted down.

immediately, jaeyun stands up, startling everyone, as he steps and gathers you into his embrace. your small sob grows bigger when you feel his heat enveloping you, muffled your sobs as your head rested on his shoulder while he reassures your trembling figure with a smooth rub down your back. the room turns quiet as only the last instrumental of the track is playing, and the joy slowly dissipates as they all stare at you. jaeyun's eyes were still on you, not knowing how to react to the suddenness of it all.

"you're okay. i am here," he whispers into your ear of words that just show up in his mind. a phrase so neutrally positive that he hopes they don't undermine what you are feeling. because he doesn't know why you reacted this way in the first place.

your head is droning with the numerous hits as you feel jaeyun's voice pierce through the buzz, reacting in an instant as you put your hands on his chest to push him away. but he doesn't budge as he still holds you close, the shakiness of your body makes him want to hold you tighter. yet, he gave you space as you wipe away the tears, a groan came out from deep within you as your eyes find your friends', which are full of concern.

"i, i'm okay. just-" you swallow down your saliva, "all of you can continue. it's nicho's turn, right?"

they all look around and at you awkwardly. you felt jaeyun's hand giving a pat on your back as you darted towards him, towards his eyes as you pushed out the first thing in your mind that could calm everything down. your swollen eyes widened as you looked up and down at his figure. jaeyun's face changes from worry to curiosity—knowing what your gaze is telling. then, he felt your hands reaching for him. nay, reaching for his waist underneath his baggy graphic tee.

nicholas had moved to the tablet as you still stare at him with your knowing gaze. slowly, you bite down on your bottom lip—knowing that he will take the bait as his hands curl on your back. the only coping mechanism you know that will get you away from that mindset you wanted to not even think about in the first place.

"we'll be going first, okay?" jaeyun spoke up, aiming his words for the others. your eyes still stay on him as he watches how everybody nods. nicholas is already pulling sunghoon with him when jaeyun hears a nirvana song playing in the back. as the first notes of come as you are ring around the room, the door has already been slammed open, and you pull him with you into the dark hallway.

the evening outside is decorated with a purple hue as you walk down the pavement. your eyes are looking both ways to know when to cross the street when it is clear. whilst jaeyun is just letting you pull him away—knowing the end result of it all anyway.

this is the first time you had ever been so open to fuck. usually, he is the one who signals first.

both of your feet rush down the sidewalk when you see the motel getting closer—sunghoon's SUV parked in the parking lot indicates it as you both quickly climb up the stairs to the second floor of the accommodation. jaeyun fetches his key from his bag's pocket as you wait beside him, urging him on by how tightly you are holding his hand. and as the door opens and you both clamber in, jaeyun quickly closes the door before pushing you to it, trapping you as you wrap your arms around him and pull him into a hot clash of kisses. he keeps up with you, with how pushy and clingy you become as you even bite on his bottom lip near his lip ring, making him groan as he moves his hands around your body, feeling every part of you with his palm.

after both of you have kicked off your shoes, jaeyun crawls his hands down to your thighs as you accepted his signal; raising one of them before he lifts you up, holding you as he turns you both around towards his bed—lips still connected as he feels the saliva spreading around his lips from the fighting tongues. when he drops you down, he quickly removes your bag as you take off your top as fast as possible, making him have to keep up with your pace as you stand bare before him. instead of waiting for him, you kneel down quickly and help him with his bottom layers as you are met with his growing cock after tugging his pants down.

licking the underside of it, jaeyun peers down on you as you use one hand to stroke his shaft and the other hand moves to play with his balls, fondling the two as his hand moves strands of your hair to clearly gaze at you. your lips move towards his tip, kitten licking his slit before taking the head in your mouth with a pucker. a hum comes from you as he let out a trembling breath, biting his lip so hard he can feel his skin breaking when he tasted the iron. your eyes are glimmering under the minimal light, shining from taking on his member as you take more and more of him before closing your eyes when your nose ring trailing up his shaft until he felt the wall behind your mouth before you pull your head. yet when you open your eyes, you look back up at him—sticking your gaze on him.

"give it to me," you mouthed, your lips brushes against the head of his cock when you say the words as he felt the jitters from how it is getting more and more sensitive as you take him in. jaeyun watches how your free hand shifts from his balls to play with your pussy. his hands then hold onto each side of your head as you nodded as you continue to bob and take him in, making him picks up the pace as you kneel there pliantly, accepting what he is giving you as you continue to rub yourself and move your hand to his balls, edging him more and more with how much he can push himself into your cavern.

"gosh, you want me to ruin?" jaeyun asks as you let out hum with his cock in your mouth, eyes blinking towards him as he pulls away after a few fast thrust, looking at the strings of saliva connecting his member with your lips as your mouth is left agape to take in every oxygen you can.

the boy then stands you up as you let him, pushing you on the bed as he climbs on top of you, kissing your lips before going down to your neck as he gives a huge suck—knowing the hickey that will show up there when you gaze at your refelction—before he inserts two of his fingers into your moist hole covered with your arousal, earning a gasp from you as your hand reach down for his to do whatever he is doing. but he has something in mind for the girl who is craving for him.

you let out a whine that gets cut as he moves your body to rest on the side. jaeyun rested behind you before he stretched his inked left arm so you could rest on it, and he could move his hand to hold your shoulder down. his other hand lifted your leg so he could slot himself between you, resting it on top of his hip. your hand reachs down for his cock that is brushing against your lower lips, tapping against the sensitive clitoris you were rubbing before you push his tip between the rim of your hole as he pushes in, hand on your thigh as he moves his hips so he can enter more of himself in you.

a moan came out from you deliciously, making him turn his head to look at you with a squint in his eyes and a smirk forming on his face. pulling back until the bulb of his head is left, jaeyun pushes back in deeper as you let out another loud moan full of yearning. you had never moaned so loud before. even with the many times he had fucked you, you were always the silent type: gasps, small-volumed moans, trembling breaths, and unhinged jaw. but when he heard the pornographic moan you let out from this position, your body all stretched out in his liking, he knew he had to get more of them out of you.

with your body brushing against the mattress and his arm, the boy picks up the pace as he watches your facial expression full of bliss. eyes shut and jaw opens as moans came out of you following every thrust you both are receiving. his left hand that holds onto your shoulder felt your hand gripping onto it as you turned to look at him beside you, reaching with your hand to settle behind his head and get a hold of his lock as he caught the signal to press slight kisses on your lips and the corner of them. jaeyun also lets out moans as he watches you, blubbers coming out from you as your walls mold to his shape as he feels all the sensations in the right place.

jaeyun pulls your head closer, bringing him nearer to your skin as his lips touch your side of the face. whispers of dirty talk flow out of him as you opened your eyes with a hooded gaze, glancing down and watch how his cock is filling you up deliciously with how it dissapears inside of you so easily. his eyes are closed as he fully felt every nerves of him waking up from the pleasure, not realising the sniffles coming out of you as another liquid hits the bridge of his nose. pulling away slightly, he watches the tear falls from the corner of your swollen eye—the one that had cry before this and the one that had endured his cock baraging into your mouth until you almost couldn't breathe.

"are you okay?" he had asked as he slowed his pace down when he couldn't help but remember what happened at karaoke. however, he felt your hand on top of his that is resting on your tummy, pushing down on the bulge you felt so he could feel himself inside of you.

you nodded your head and replied, "letting go."

he returns his sight from your tummy to your eyes to find them all dark, goggling at him as you push your hand against the bulge he made inside of you once again, rubbing your hips against his. jaeyun can't help but force you to meet his lips, leaning down as best as he can as he continues to thrust. with every increase of the pace, more of your moans fell out as it blends well with the sticky noise coming from the skin-to-skin action as he puts a grip to hold your body still as he chases after your high, feeling how your walls are gripping his shaft like your fingers are to the pillow on his bed. then, when he pushes his fingertips and rubs them against your clitoris, he lets out a growl when your walls become tighter and eventually pushes him out as you actually scream.

squirts come out of your opening as he watches them spray across the mattress and felt them running down his thighs, leftover moans come out of your whilst jaeyun slap his hard cock against your lips as he gives a searing kiss to your temple when you peek towards him, still nodding as you continue to want more. and so, he moves you again so you now can fully clutch the pillow with both your kneecaps resting on the mattress, face against the bed as he brushes his cockhead between your buttcheeks before the tip caughts onto your hole as he thrusts in deep, feeling your cervix hitting the tip as your moans are muffled with your face burying itself into the pillow you are hugging. the boy's pace quickens as he presses kisses down your arched spine. your walls continue to clamp onto his shaft as he felt how trembling your body is, slamming his hips against your butt as he grips onto your hair and pulled the head up, letting him sniffs your scenr and sucks more hickeys onto the crook of your neck and collarbones. one of your hand grabs onto his as you guide it to grope your breast, squeezing the skin of it as he groans in your ear when felt more of your arousal flowing down as he fills you up with his semen.

breaths blow out of you both unorderly as you twist your head and find his lips, kissing them while jaeyun felt how your hips are moving against him once again. pulling out, he hastily flips you onto your back as he watches how both of your cum is flowing out of you before he stops it with the head of his dick as he pushes in. your legs are spread wide unconsciouly, watching him with a pleasure-fulled face of open mouth and tears of delight coming out of your hooded lids. with his stamina, the boy increases his speed as he leans in close to you, feeling how your belly button piercing presses against his skin as he folds you in half. your eyes then open, noticing how they are darker than before as you nod your head instinctively—not fully in control of your own body as he is the one taking charge, but also because you are slowly not feeling fully there.

"don't stop…" you mumbled out, holding your legs open for him as your eyes rolled back into your skull with every deep thrust you get. edging jaeyun even more from your actions, he makes his thrust faster and thorough as his fingers also rub your clitoris, feeling how your walls are pressing around him once again as he chases after it with his own high. when he spurt more of his cum into you, you let out a cry as another squirt of cum comes out of you, making his release flow out of your slit as you opened your eyes wide and skim to his face—his eyes also darkens like yours.

nevertheless, the only words that are is coming out of your mouth scramble his mind once again: "don't stop."

and so, he didn't stop until you both fell into exhaustion. jaeyun manhandles you into another position, thrusting upwards into you as your hands rest on his chest. your body is limping as he realises how gone you are from the pleasure—entering another space of existence. it makes him pull you down into a hug as he chases more of your release alongside his own. yet, when he fills you with another set of cum, your lips still utter "don't stop."

he fucked you in more ways that you both had actually done before. jaeyun moves you more into various positions: one with his hand pushing your head on the mattress as he kneels with your flat figure beneath, your front facing away from him as you bounce above him, and another previous position when you ride and face him as you finally crash down on his figure. your body is quivering with broken giggles coming out of your mouth as you lean down your head on his chest—feeling every cum that both of your bodies make blends in and staining the mattress. jaeyun gives you many kisses all across your face as your hooded eyes blink, feeling the muscles spasm all around your body as he feels your arms wrapped around him, making him hold you close as best as he could.

"i'm not letting you go this time," he whispers into your ear, earning a nod from you as he spreads his palm over your shoulder blades to hold you tight against him. your walls snuggling him as he glances at how your face relaxes and lets exhaustion take over in making you rest. however, when jaeyun looks at the ceiling of the motel room; he couldn't help but feel like a total shit.

'what is this feeling?' he asked himself when he unconsciously soothed down the back of your head as your breathing became much stable than before at the crook of his neck.

'it is only sex, right?' jaeyun asks again as he looks back toward your figure lying on top of him.

in this arrangement you have made, all actions are mutual. many times, he is the one who initiates sex. and if he can show his want to have sex with you, then you can also do the same with him. he will do what he was doing from the last few minutes numerous times more if you had asked for it. yet, you said you are "letting go", you indeed "let go" when he can assume how clouded your mind is. when you had said that, every vigorous thrust of his going inside you felt different—like it was coated with a different coating than what happened last time.

when he thinks about it, every caress on your body become so fucking different in an instant. he looks at how your eyes are tightly shut. tiredness taking you away into the dream state as he gives a one slow caress from your neck and following your spine until nearing your bottom. that the way he was fucking you moments ago—even if it does looks so dominant and tough—felt more in benefit for your pleasure than his, an ulterior motive you haven't been able to speak to him until now.

"i got too fucking romantic. apologies," jaeyun mumbles to himself, but it is actually for you, even if you are not awake.

the boy recalls moments of how it came to be: your trembling body against his as he soothes you down for the first time; your head resting against his shoulder as you sleep beside him in the vehicle; how he sometimes gave more of his food to you because what you order is not exactly in size from the menu; how he helps you with aiming for your pool game against on of the boys; how he lets out a small smile when he notices your camera lens recording him but he is looking straight at you instead. how soft his touch became when you said "let go," before it was replaced with "don't stop."

gosh, jaeyun's having feelings for you. but he knows you may not feel the same.

that is the nature of this established relationship you two have—how you help him relax after a night full of adrenaline—and how little you also reciprocate about it from the numerous times you have denied being with him after every intercourse. shaking his head, chuckles of bafflement come out of him. because even if you are in his arms like right now, he couldn't fucking read you. and so, the only way for him to show it is by comforting you, being your shoulder to lean on like a friend would. jaeyun does just that: his eyes looking down at you as he soothes his hand down your back in a stable rhythm—forcing his eyes to be wide open as he doesn't want you gone when they finally close.

however, his body was also exhausted as sleep beckoned him to succumb. his eyelids were already drooping and almost covered his eyes as his hands found a part of your body he wanted to hold, pushing you down onto him so he could feel your warmth pressing against his cold skin. and so, jaeyun lets sleep take him into the dream state, hoping to find you there as well.

he did find you there. you were smiling as you sat beside him. your hands interlocked with each other as you stared at the void of a view in front of you. yet he doesn't care about whatever the view before him is unless it is you there in his vision. but a brush of coolness startles him awake and he looks down to find the warmth he senses is his body covered by the bed's duvet. then, he glances to the other side of the bed, finding it still so tidy.

you were gone. just like you usually do.

a frown decorates jaeyun's face as he gulps his saliva down. shaking his head and straining his face to not let his burning eyes let out something full of disappointment, but also leftover guilt.

he sits up and rested his bare and hurting back against the headboard, feeling his flaccid cock brushing against the material as the cold hits his torso, making him snuggle more into the cover. his eyesight skims around the room—finding evidence of his rendezvous with you still there as he formulates memories to hold onto the remnants of them. jaeyun found his clothing pieces and bag scattered on the rugged floor. but he doesn't recognise the book that is lying there as well.

jaeyun's legs almost fall out as he stands up, feeling how his muscles are tired from the intercourse, meeting the sensation of being half awake as he steps onto the rug-textured floor. eyes on the book's silhouette as he steps forward and picks it up—even with his joints hurting from holding his body up to not crush you. he recognised the distinct texture of the book as a moleskine notebook when he brushed against a protruding sticky note on the top of the book. opening the page where it is sticking, his eyes widen when he looks at what is written.

five makeshift lines stretch from one edge of the page to the other horizontally. filled in circles and x symbols scattered and placed on the lines, and he also sees the flags on the right side of the circle of x. jaeyun can read these symbols, already hearing the parts playing in his head with what each of them associates with. he looks to the top of the page, finding the words "rosanna shuffle" with lots of underlines. then it clicks in his head as he recognises the sound. how the beat sound with the stops and ghost notes as it continues to the keyboard part playing in his head when he recalls the song that this very shuffle drum part comes from: rosanna by toto.

it's a drum notation. but it is not his. and there is only one other person who came into the room hours ago with him.

it must be yours.

with his mind expanding about the knowledge, he flips open the rest of the pages as he finds more drum notations with notes scribbled on the space around the main musical staves. drum notations from songs he identifies like easy lover by philip bailey and phil collins, head over heels by tears for fears, in bloom by nirvana, and even reckoner by radiohead. but when the pages he flips come nearer and nearer to the front of the notebook, he finds notations that have more scribbles to them, like they are so regularly revised. looking at the top of the page, jaeyun scans the names of songs he doesn't know. utopia? animal noises? voyager? he questioned the words as he arrived at the very first page of the notebook.

thumbing it around, he found the same phrase that shows up on the top of the page alongside those words he had questioned—the words he realises are song titles. and so, he reads the phrase he found beside each title; the name of the band that he voiced out.

"dawndreamer."

-

as the door clicks behind you, feet dragging against the rugged floor with your shoes and undergarments held within your hands, you eye the dark room with a lone small lamp lit up on the desk as you hear the sniffles coming from the sleeping sophia tucked in her bed. the sweat is sticking onto your skin along with yours and jaeyun's cum trailing down your thighs and drying there.

honestly, you feel like shit and you look like it too when you step into bathroom after dropping your items by your bed. the lights on the ceiling shine down on you as you see your reflection. marks and hickeys marred your skin from your neck to your wrists. swollen lips and eyes staring back from the mirror as you scan yourself until they dart lowly at the porcelain sink. your hands holding onto the edge of it with your fingers curling into the material—giving a small pressure on them before turning towards the shower.

in the past three months of your situation with jaeyun, never had you outwardly used him like that. yes, most of the times when you both fuck each other is when he wants to let out pent up adrenaline so he can go to sleep easily—the others are where you both are horny—but being that rough has never occured in every session you have held before the last. your mind was blanking on some memories there that look more and more like vignettes instead. the euphoric state captures you as you witness yourself from a helicopter view; how elevated the sensation is as you enter a domain filled with absolute pleasure. but when it dies down as you regain consciousness, sensing him still inside you as you didn't stick to your own bargain of the deal, which is to return to your room right after, you realise that it has consequences.

the cold water washes down your skin as you lather it with bubbles from the shower gel. hisses coming out of you when you felt a slight tinge of hurt as some part of the skin that was scraped open from that sensation. but you deserve that when you push him to do so and he also says no to it, because the memories of why you did that don't erase fully; especially now with the added weight of this whole ordeal alongside it. and so, you start to rub down your skin a bit harder, feeling the numbness of your muscles from the stretch and bruises coming from that session as well.

guilt climbs into your veins as you can taste its bitterness in your mouth, not even knowing how long you had stayed in the shower in the dead of night until you notice your fingertips getting wrinkly. when you finally wear only a simple, oversized t-shirt over your underwear and gulp down your birth control pill, you don't hesitate to quickly grab and consume your antidepressant pill as well. primarily because of what happened today and the emotions you felt when you heard the very song playing in that karaoke room's speakers. it is true. sophia knows you can sing—there are numerous times you had unconsciously sung the song you play in the shower and she has complimented you for it—but because it is the final stop of the tour and knowing it may be the last time you will have fun with the core team, you can't help but to say yes. you just didn't know that this song would hit you with that pain once again.

it has been two years since you last came to haeyang. two years since the day that changed your trajectory forever. you gaze at the lit-up path on the side of the beach from your room's window, looking at the dark waves coming closer to the ground like it is crawling back into your heart. that is when you see the shining beacon from the lighthouse, adding more to the overwhelming sensation of the muffled crashes of waves as you turn around to go and tidy up your items. all the memories that are flowing in make you push to suppress them as best as possible by doing anything else other than wallowing in those emotions invoked while waiting for the pill to kick in and make you sleepy.

placing your bag on the bed, you rummage through it as you feel everything there, your wallet, your camcorder, your phone; except one item.

quickly, you pour your belongings on top of your mattress as you scan each item. dread slowly but surely shows up prominently and filters your sight. because you couldn't find the rectangle silhouette as it is separated by its pen, now lonely between your phone and your wallet.

your notebook is gone.

fingers twitching, you recall every trace of the steps you have taken with that bag of yours. that includes when you wake up in the vehicle that is nearing the motel and when you carry it along with your luggage into the room right after it. the bag is with you when all seven of you go to the karaoke place and you never pull out anything out of it once through out that part—including when you cry at that fucking song. then, you remember your strap slipping down your body as the bag follows with jaeyun's lips on yours, brushing those thoughts away with his touches.

jaeyun might have your book.

with a palm slap on your forehead, you rub it down your face before massaging your creases as best as you could with the frown showing on your face full of embarrassment. he might've read it. he might've caught onto something that you have been hiding when you moved on. but you never truly move on, don't you? jaeyun could put all the points together with the way you can sing, especially in how shocked his expression looks when you start to sing after so long in such a loud volume amplified by the microphone.

you gazed down at your palm, seeing the calluses in creases of each of your digits as you felt them burn with the sensation. folding them into a fist all balled up, the sensation is gone as you pack up your things and put your bag on the desk before turning off the desk lamp. your figure, shrouded in darkness, walks to lie down on your designated bed. the only source of light is from the moonlight coming into the window that you haven't fully covered with the curtain as you hide your whole body under the duvet, hiding from everything, as you know that you have to confront him in the daytime. preferably today before he spreads it to his friends.

when you wake as the moonlight is replaced by the sunlight coming in from the window, you pivot back to find sophia still asleep deeply after the effect of the alcohol she has probably taken more after you and jaeyun left the place. you tug on the hoodie and sweatpants you had owned since high school as you eyed the clock that is telling you to get brunch, your rumbling tummy reminding you as well. eyeing your phone screen with notifications from the group chat that includes all seven of the main amperhyphen crew, sunghoon and euijoo are already at the american-style diner that you had remembered seeing when you walked down the sidewalk with jaeyun. knowing that if someone has already staked their position to eat, the rest will follow, including jaeyun.

your footsteps feel heavy as you walk towards the stairs to the ground floor of the motel, striding towards the pavement when you turn your head and find the diner building so near to the motel. biting your lip, you brace yourself and rush there as fast as possible.

eyes gaze at the exposed clear window where people are eating their meals, you barge in with a dingling bell sounding at the top of the doorframe. but your sight is set on the five boys with differing hair colours sitting down on the booth table whilst waiting for their meals to come, with the appearance of the boy with dusty blond hair making your nostrils flare.

when you arrived at the table, the four boys were talking amongst each other as the last one—the blond one—listened in on the conversation. but his hand was rubbing against the front cover of a notebook and gently touching the pages on the side like he owns it: your notebook.

"there she is." jay had spoken when he was the first one to find you approached. but, quickly with an eye on a gap in his hold on your book, you quickly snatched and held it close to your chest and heart. a deep frown forms on your facial expression as you look at the blond boy.

"for fuck sake, don't you know not to read what other people owns?" your statement startled the boys and also the waittress tending to the counter after the last customer other than the people you are working with steps away and go do their activities outside. your words are aimed at one person who is looking at you with wide eyes.

"(y/n)! i didn't know you are also a-"

"so what?!" you retorted, making jaeyun flinch as you glance at the faces that the others have. nicholas, who sat next to him, looks at you before looking away. euijoo, who moves his eyes to look at him mixing his milkshake with a paper straw, and jay, who has a look of curiosity in his pair. every gaze that you capture with your eyes of their eye contact goes away when you catch and decipher the look coming from them—including sunghoon, who you believe is the one most logical about this situation, still looks away from your fiery stare. because combined with the way they act, their eyes are telling everything.

they know. jaeyun told them.

your foot reacted immediately, retreating your body away from their booth as you shook your head with an even bigger swing. punishing them for their inner cats chasing into their curiosity about something so personal to you, not minding that they will get killed even with a swipe of your movement. hugging the book tight against your chest, you secure it as you run as quickly to the door—hearing the shout of your name in jaeyun's recognisable voice as you don't stop.

leaping down the small flight of stairs of the diner's entrance, your shoulder was hit as you looked back and found sophia's surprised expression quickly turning into one that was full of concern.

"are you okay?" she asked—not like you aren't the one who slammed her and you have to be the one asking it instead. but you couldn't refute like you usually do. hiding it will make it worse. the city itself, the memories you have of this city, and the love you lost in this city all come back as you stare into her soft, worry eyes. for the first time in a while in this situation, you shake your head in disagreement with sophia's question as a tear fell down your cheek. you are not okay.

you push yourself away from the diner and the parking lot as you run on the pavement. your mind is set on one place as everything you tried by coping against it—from drugs like the antidepressant to the sex like you had last night—doesn't work to get rid of it. it doesn't work when you are outnumbered by the nightmares as you let your feet carry you away, knowing where they will make you go as you turn the corner on the edge of the street, running to the one with a name that you recognise.

each steps feel so heavy, reminiscent of last night when you walked out of jaeyun's room. but you still let the aesthetic of the town sink into you as you gaze at the building no taller than five stories high. chipped painted walls of some building exteriors scattered in the view, letting you see the mostly mom-and-pop shops' signage. views of cafes with their sitting area bleeding out towards the sidewalk to some places with a small patch of soil to accommodate the growing tree rooted there. but, your eyes are focused on the signs with the street names, combing through to find what you are looking for: the intersection.

the four-way intersection is mostly clear as you can see the clear markings of newly painted crossroads on all sides and the warning yellow cross at the square between the four streets. yet, all you could see at that intersection is yourself, all tussled as you gaze down one of the streets to the truck that scurries away down the road. the corner shop staff at the intersection go out to look at the wreckage with a few other bystanders helping the other passengers—your friends—as you turn to face the reflective surface of the metal. hand on your phone from calling emergency services as you just know, you just know that you might be the only one that survived.

at the corner of the four-way intersection, alone under the sky nearing noon, you crumbled.

your figure falls onto your knees as you hug the notebook so tightly against your chest. body trembling as you let the tears fall out of you in a free fall, reaching your neck and staining your hoodie as you sobbed hard. and, with your body leaning down against the concrete into a bow, you prayed. you prayed for your friends who didn't survive that day, prayed for any higher power out there to elevate you from the memory of this place. but, even after two years, you can only sense the underlying guilt and grief remain in dormant until it all comes out at this moment.

you gaze at your wrist as you decide to bow down before placing the palm against the textured concrete surface, seeing faint slit marks of self-harm that even goes deeper and breaks a vein—many times of contemplating suicide as you just want the pain to go away. you don't deserve to be the only one living. you should've died with your friends that day. and as you remembered how pale their faces have become when you acknowledge that there is no oxygen flowing through their veins anymore, you wail into the morning space as everything that you have been suppressing all arrives back to you.

the way that you could've fucking avoid their deaths on your hands as the one on the steering wheel, to swerve or even press on the brake even if you are supposed to move because the light is green. the following court case on the truck driver as you are brought into the town's courthouse as a victim and witness. the faces of your friends' pictures as you attended their funerals, which all of your families agreed to be buried side by side with each other. their families treat you like their daughter because their own daughters are all deep under the soil. how you had lost your dream forever as it goes along with them.

your palm pushes you back to a kneeling position, feeling every tear and snot all come out of you as you don't even mind rubbing the palm dirtied by pavement onto your face. that is when you felt a warm hug around your shoulders when you heard the familiar feminine voice you've found comfort in in the last three months.

"the boys are so fucking shitty. they were only just standing there, but i can't stay still and i had to run after you," she said into your ear, humouring you with her usual cadence in talking as you let her move your torso upright, still sobbing out as you let your head hang in her embrace.

even if sophia is just a friend that you know from attending college, she has been there since day one. she knows you had some depressive thoughts and she has seen your wrist bandaged when you went into the class you share with her. but, she doesn't know that this is the thing that triggers all of it and how severe it is with how you have to be prescribed pills to help function yourself if it gets too much. because all you wanted was to move on, to move on from those broken dreams you shared with your friends, from the fame you receive even momentarily, to live your life while able to balance your love for music—to be able to play the drums openly again. and as you kneeled there, continue with praying with your inner voice at the makeshift shrine you imagine in that corner of the intersection, you let out a huge breath that is still as shaky as ever as you turn your head, facing sophia who is looking down at your kneeling body with huge frown on her face.

"i, i have to tell you something."

jaeyun is still in a daze as he watches you running away, his feet following your path when he catches sophia's glare through the window before she chases after you onto the sidewalk you were running on. his eyes trail her figure as she disappears, feeling his heartbeat also jogging as he turns his head towards his friends. call him naive, but jaeyun doesn't know why you reacted that way. he wants to embrace you into his arms when he finds out you can play drums, proudly telling his boys that you have been playing drums by showing them the drum parts you are learning or able to play. some of the songs even shocked them as they teased him that he couldn't even play it—already set up a jamming session so you could play with them as well after the tour ended.

with your explosive reaction that startles him, he knows that there is something deeper as to why you didn't tell him or the others you used to play drums. for that reason, it left him in intrigue as his mind is echoing the name of your band.

so, jaeyun walks to the counter all by himself, sitting on one of the stools that overlooks the preparation area as he gazes at an older woman preparing the food and an androgynous-looking girl cleaning up the place. the girl hears the bell from the window in the kitchen area as she turns and picks up the orders from the table and brings them towards their booth. while the old lady picks up the plate of jaeyun's order and places it on the counter before him. her salt and pepper hair makes jaeyun let out a small smile as he peeks down to see that there is a strawberry donut he didn't order on the small plate beside his brunch.

"on the house," the old lady says, seemingly able to read his expression full of conflicting emotions.

"thank you, ma'am." jaeyun replies curtly as he gazed at the food and then at his trembling hands. one of them slowly picks up the heavy weight of his phone from his sweatpants pocket when he remembers what the guys also said when he shows your notebook to them.

"i also don't know who dawndreamer is," sunghoon said.

"wait, so (y/n) used to be in a band?" jongseong questioned, and the boys continued to discuss as jaeyun quickly grabs the open book that is placed in the middle of the table into his grasp.

his fingers itch as he finally opens his browser and types "dawndreamer" into the search inquiry. pressing enter, the first thing that shows up is the name and the subtitle underneath it: "rock band." in the picture section, he finds a monochrome photo of what looks to be a picture of four teenage girls. their faces are pretty blurry as jaeyun scrolled down to find the first two links of the band for their instagram and bandcamp.

the instagram account opens as he presses on it, letting him see the pictures that are mostly abstract arts and the band members doing something, with the recent one being a post of black background and white text: an announcement post. so, jaeyun presses the last post before it, seeing the date to see that it was last posted two years ago. most of the posts are the usual posts he sees posted in amperhyphen's own instagram account, showing their artistry and authenticity as emerging indie musicians. he scrolls through a post full of photos of the girls in high school uniform showcasing their favourite vinyl LPs they own, such as sufjan stevens to vampire weekend, like it is a showcase of who they are as musicians and their inspiration as they cultivate their own flavour. but one post captures his attention. the recognisable face he admires.

it was a picture of you behind a drum kit, the stick you are holding is blurry as the photo was captured mid-action when you are twirling it. it is a candid picture as you are looking another way towards the ride cymbal. the background is dark so as to make you the focal point. you haven't had your septum piercing as he couldn't see a glint of light under your nose even with the flash photography. staring at that image, you look so comfortable behind the kit, like he also feels as scans and recognises that your kit is pretty similar to his.

scrolling upwards, he finds the pixelated post he had scrolled past to notice that it is a video. jaeyun watches as the video starts, a band—dawndreamer—that is playing their instruments in the small venue as he presses the volume button on the side of his phone to hear it louder. the frame was so pixelated he could only focus on the sound, hearing your drum part playing tightly with the strumming guitar chords as the bass comes in, adding the harmonies alongside another voice that sings along. jaeyun's eyes focused on the drums as he could see the pixelated image of you playing the drum full of intensity, seeing the movement matching to the sound that he is hearing as jaeyun's eyebrows furrows whilst looking at your pixelated self—holding the song on as the glue between every other members instrumental parts before the video loop in back to the start.

jaeyun's breath was taken away from him as he scrolled back up to the recent post, finally meeting the announcement post he dreaded to read as he also looked at the date it was posted. two years ago. the last update of the band that he just got to know. the last update of the band you played in—a part of you you never told him before. and so, he reads what the white text says.

eyes_on_dawndreamer: thank you for everything.

for all the support, the prayers, and the words of encouragement. we won the suit in haeyang's courthouse and that is all because of your support too. we were four girls with a big dream in revolutionising alternative rock music—a dream we had shared with each other since we created this band during our second year of high school, to then releasing singles and EPs on bandcamp, to even going on tours as we have all graduated. and now, all that remains is one girl. i would like to thank gaeul, tsuki, and ningning for being there for me. they are the bestest friends a girl could have wished for. and i hope that all three of them could be happy wherever they are in the skies.

as for the band, it doesn't feel right to continue without them—as a one-woman band or even adding new members. dawndreamer is as much their band as it is mine. it is not complete without them when i can only do so much because they all complete me. and with all the respect i have for that name and that dream of ours, i decide that this is the end of dawndreamer. i would love to thank every person who helped us to reach these heights, from the crewhands to you: the fans, who have been patient with all of this process. i am saddened that this cuts away the chance for us to greet you. to perform before you.

the dawn will always rise

-(y/n), your fellow dawndreamer.

as the sombre tone of the post hums in his head, he pulls out his headphones from his bag and puts them on before opening the bandcamp website that links to dawndreamer. inside it, he sees numerous cover art of your band's releases as he presses on one of them randomly, finding out that it is one of the EPs you were talking about in the post. he doesn't hesitate to press play on streaming the digital track at the top as he scrolls down to read the comments, praises singing towards the EP as he couldn't help but smile at the comments. then, your voice pierces through the song with the strumming guitar playing underneath. the voice that hints at certain emotions as you sing the lyrics while the drum plays with the rhythm of open hi-hats and kick bass. he can already see how you will play this live and how beautiful it will be as you open the song and the show with your voice and drum playing.

jaeyun felt his eyes were burning with tears as he let the bandcamp stream play the EP when he opened another tab to continue his research of your band, finally able to scroll down the search result when the third result showed him a news headline. a headline that makes him feel a heavy thump in his heart:

dawndreamer's gaeul, ningning, and tsuki pass away in a car accident, (y/n) survives.

-

for the rest of the day, jaeyun hadn't heard back from you directly. the last information about you came from sophia who told the group that you would be joining back tomorrow, as they are setting up the stage to continue your job in recording the behind-the-stage b-roll footages. yet, he knows more about you than ever, especially concerning the car accident you experienced in this very town.

the numerous articles he had read created multiple tabs in his browser that even made him stay up at night—he can't even comprehend what you are feeling even with all the information the internet has shown him about this. about you. about your band. about the case. how you were the only survivor of the car crash, and how you were in the driver's seat that day. how you, as the only surviving band member, decided to put your effort into getting the driver jail time and pay for the damages, especially to your bandmates' family—even if you are still 18 years old. how you were on tour at that time, the day after the crash was supposed to be your concert day at haeyang. how you were a prolific drummer that even many articles have mentioned your playing, dawndreamer being highlighted as bands to follow not knowing that it will only be so short of a career. how you are technically his senior in the music industry, becoming a performing drummer at 16 while jaeyun just started making songs with his amperhyphen bandmates during college freshman year.

words are being ingrained in his head as he realises a lot of things about you that click in his mind. how you sometimes fidget in a rhythm that you caught from anywhere you can hear them, like the drop of water to tapping on a laptop's keyboard. how as you watched them rehearse whilst sitting in one of the seats by the FOH, you tapped your thighs in rhythm with his drumming; your camera on your lap as you had gotten enough behind-the-stage footage to edit for the next set of posts to publish at the band's social media. the way he could feel faint bumps between the folds of your fingers—smoothed-out calluses that he also got from playing the drums that you have also helped bandage around his fingers, eyes focusing down as he looked at you attentively, like you are reminiscing about something as you seemed to familiar in fixing up these types of injuries.

when sleep came to him, the last thing on his mind was your peaceful face when you are asleep on top of him. too tired out from your sexy time with him but full of blissfulness when jaeyun's thumb smoothed out the creases on your face.

that nagging feeling continued to last inside his mind when he came to the diner once again to order breakfast, finding sunghoon talking to the phone with the corner of his lips turned upwards. as the manager's eyes found his friend, the call ended as he turned towards jaeyun.

"the instruments arrived last night. the stage crew are setting them up as we're having the rehearsal tomorrow morning. i'll be going there after finishing up breakfast," his friend uttered with a stern voice and a slight brush of relief. the boy nods before thinking back to those ghost notes he had caught onto and seared into his memory. the ghost drumming sound that always comes up right when he arrives at the venue to do his rehearsal. if his assumption is correct, he had to go there to witness it with his own two eyes—because he has his guesses and one of them is the certainty of who is the one making those notes.

"can i go earlier with you? right after i'm done with my breakfast?" jaeyun tugs in his hands into the front pocket of his hoodie, making sunghoon gaze at his body to see how truthful his friend is asking of him with raised eyebrows.

"sure. right after your breakfast." the boy looks down at the empty booth as they both sit across from each other, letting the girl from the diner last time take in both of their orders.

with his stomach full, jaeyun gazes out the window of the shotgun seat beside sunghoon, watching as the town buildings slowly morph into tall and lush forests that shade the scenery as the car continues to drive on the road. his head leaned against the glass overlooking the outside as he also found what looked to be a bus stop littering the side of the streets meters between each other. as he continued to gaze outside, the vehicle drove up onto the hilly road as it climbed up to the venue. then, a few hundred meters from the last bus stop, his sight came across slivers of a large land behind the trees as jaeyun heard the clicks of the turn signal and sunghoon moved the steering wheel to let the car go inside the lot.

it is mostly empty except for trucks and other vehicles that are parked, as he recalls that those are the vehicles bringing the stuff for the concert tomorrow. leaning forward against the dashboard, he gazes at the venue, which looks to be a lone abandoned convenience store that supposedly has everything. it is large enough to be a concert venue as he finds various posters stuck on the wall and the boarded windows with wooden planks. a concert venue that is so his style and where his band can see them perform at.

when he stepped out of the open car door, sunghoon was already walking first as he greeted one of the moving crews and the ones with the concert staff. they all gave a handshake towards jaeyun as the group moved toward the side of the buildings for the backstage entrance. behind the doorframe was a dark space that looked so faint until he stepped closer to find the silhouette getting more vivid—gazing at the lights that line up the hallways.

"are all of the instruments inside?" sunghoon had asked.

"yes, we have finished assembling the drums and speaker while the other stagehands are testing the lights. one of your crews is also checking in," the head crew said to sunghoon as jaeyun let out a slight pout. then, he heard it. the faint drumming voice from inside the venue. he had a guess who this crew member is because one of the three main crew—sunghoon, sophia, and you—only one can play the drums. jaeyun's heart is beating hastily as he peers into the darkness where the sound comes from, hoping that all of his predictions are right.

his footsteps follow the hallways lit up with the minimal lighting to test out the stagelights, arriving at the larger backstage area where he recognises the crates of his drums and cymbals. the sound gets louder and louder before the rhythm falters. then it starts again, the snare, kick drum, and hi hats moving in a mixture of a half time and a shuffle. the hesitation from the first round of playing becomes more confident as it continues. he walks down the path to the wing of the stage, noticing the beam of the light shining down on the stage as he pushes past to get to a clearer view; the sound dimmers as he stands by the wing overlooking the exposed part of the stage.

underneath that beam of light is you, sitting on the throne behind his drum kit, holding onto his drumsticks as he steps closer to the edge of the wing, one step away from the stage. jaeyun watches as you sit there, holding the sticks upright as your eyes are closed, mouths moving slowly like you are meditating. you look ethereal behind the drum kit. your posture signals that you are so comfortable there that he can relegate his space to you, too. deep down in his heart, he regretted not knowing it sooner, and you had to actually hide it because of what happened—playing behind the backs of people who are helping to succeed his band.

your head leans down and looks at the open notebook on the stand, your phone leaning against the page as he watch your finger presses on what looks to be an audio folder. after the press, your voice speaks out, but it is coming from the speaker of the phone as you count down like a metronome. then you started drumming, hitting the parts of the shuffle with your hi-hats and kick drum playing in a steady and fast rhythm as the other stick plays the ghost notes on the snare. the rhythm plays like the notations he reads from your notebook.

as piano and guitar enter, his eyebrows are lifted as he witnesses how you are doing the rosanna shuffle so well. even if he likes progressive rock music like toto and yes, he has always thought of playing their drum parts later in his career because he is not prepared enough. even with the mix meters he recognises from playing a lot of math rock, many of prog rock songs are longer to play and complicated. but you play it flawlessly, a shuffle so tight he could see your written notation floating above your head as he remembered.

the way you drum has a level of tenacity that makes him more mesmerised by you. but that constant cycle of awe cuts short as he also heard the sound of you talking back in the song—like you made the edit layered with your voice for a reason.

"here comes the slow part, one, two." your voice talks from the recording as the song enters the prechorus that stops the shuffle altogether before it ends with a few crashes and you counting down back to the shuffle as the chorus plays. jaeyun couldn't help but mouth the lyrics as he saw that you were doing the same. then, your voice gets louder as you enter the second verse, singing along with the song. a smile grows on the boy's voice on how your singing doesn't break the rhythm of the shuffle and the timing for the crash that transition to verse section b. he watches as your eyelids are nearly shut, slowly getting into the space: the space he is always so addicted to when he gets in—a flow state that he got when he is drumming. no other thing can distract him from that flow state as the world melts away.

jaeyun's head bops as he gazes at the way you smile unconsciously; the spotlight shining on you as he can see the way your lips are now grinning so widely. the realisation hits him as the numerous ghost notes he had caught listening to before his rehearsal are you practising the drum part of the song, from the half-time shuffle to the part where you move to the ride cymbal. and this is the time you are truly nailing it. every single hit of the drums, every single beat that you feel running through your body, you have done so by following the recording of your voice guiding you through the song. like a rally driver with her navigator marking each turn and each gear shift changes, cruising through the race track that is rosanna by toto. jaeyun thinks that this idea is ingenious, especially combined with the notation notes he had seen you write—maybe there's the reason why you are so brave enough to learn hard drum parts by prolific drummers of history, such as the likes of neil peart in rush and john bonham in led zeppelin.

but then he saw your eyebrows creased as the song landed in the last pre-chorus, your eyes were still closed as he noticed the wrinkles around your face's t-zone before you shook your head and continued drumming. jaeyun felt his breath hitch as he heard your sob that echoed towards him. the spotlight allows him to catch the sheen of liquid coming from your eyes as you try not to stagger with your hands that are playing the last crash transition. you mouthed the lyrics with your heart as you entered the last chorus. the boy finally noticed your tears coming down in a free-fall down your cheeks. a long exhaled breath coming out of him as he watches with raised eyebrows and squinted eyes.

he understands it now. he felt it. how cathartic it seems for you to do this, nearing the end and nearly failed but you persist. the frown of your face forming as you're realising something and he can only assume it, but you might be doing this whole thing for your bandmates who died here in haeyang. to know that you are still capable of drumming. a swan song that tells the universe that even without them, you can still drum.

as the main song ended with the fading piano solo, your drumming still continues as you play a solo section that he is also witnessing. playing the tom-toms still in the beat as you improvise with the ending, adding crashes as you interplay the half-time shuffle with your own pizzazz. with the hot spotlight beaming down on you as he could see your face wet by tears and sweat, his breath was carried away. how he could see how you pour every strand of your drumming skill into your muscles when he also got a flicker of what looks to be blood flying from the hands gripping onto the sticks. your eyes now open widen as you heave, creating the most satisfactory ending when you realized that the song and your voice that is navigating your playing has stopped, ending with cymbals crashing before the last cymbal crash, kick drum, and snare hits altogether, making you actualy jump from the stool as the sound echoes in the empty venue. his breathing noise becomes loud as the sound frequency travels from the drum kit, echoing all over the venue. then, jaeyun heard it; the sobs kicking in as you lean your head down, back hunch, and shoulders shaking.

you couldn't stop shaking, pain flowing through your body from muscles strains to heartache as you looked at your hands, opening the folded fingers while slowly holdng onto the drumsticks to witness your bloodied hands, two cuts form at the fold between your forefinger and middle of the palm on each hands as blood continue to pour and gather at the opening. your eyes looked beyond the drum kit to the space where the audience should be standing, to find no one there. to find out that your friends aren't there watching you. doubts that have haunted you numerous times during practice sessions for this drum part come in like a flood, that whatever you practice and what comes after is all a failure. that they will not come back.

they did not come back.

in the empty venue with a lone stage and a spotlight on you, your cry rings against the walls. the acoustics of the room make it even louder as you curl up to yourself as best as you can, swiftly bringing your bloodied hands to yourself so that it doesn't stain jaeyun's snare drum—not minding at all if it will stain your clothes instead. though as your heart continue to hurt, you just can't help yourself to put the your bloody palm agaisnt the left side of your chest; feeling the ache inside you squeezing in both catharticness of finally able to play the drum part until you are satisfy and the onslaught of hopelessness replacing it instead. the aftermath hurts like a drug redrawal, particularly as the realization hits that even with playing the drum part perfectly, your friends, your bandmares; they're not coming back.

that's when you heard the sound of a few sniffles coming from the stage wing. turning your head, you find jaeyun and his frowning face, looking back towards you.

you carefully wipe your tears away from your eyes, feeling the warm blood staining a little bit on your face as you say, "i'm sorry for staining your drumsticks. i can replace it if you want."

"no, no." jaeyun exclaims as he steps out to the stage, jogging towards you as he treks on to the foundation of where his drum kit sits and kneels on the floor, facing his body towards you. your fingers continue to shake as more of your grip on his stick loosens. his eyes look at them before you when he watched you close your eyes and let another onslaught of tears fall once again.

"i, i hope," you hiccuped, "that if i could play the rosanna drum part perfectly, then my bandmates can come back to me." you bit your lip even for a few moments after mumbling out, head shaking once again, "but it doesn't change anything. they're gone. they left me behind. i…" you looked down at your palm to watch the streaks of blood and it staining the wooden sticks, "i should've gone with them."

"i'm here," jaeyun could only utter. you open your eyes and meet his, feeling the sincerity exuding out of him as you continue to your jittering to get rid of it all; knowing that it is not as simple as that.

"you've must have known i'm a drummer when you found my notebook." your gaze is still on the floor before turning to face his drums for a few seconds, "i, i also want to apologise for playing your drums. i shouldn't have done that without asking for your permission."

"i forgive you, (y/n)," the boy carefully handpicked his words, knowing that you are in such a fragile state. he should've never even taken advantage of you that night, even if you pushed him on to continue, now understanding how much pain you are feeling even if he now knows you are using sex to cope with them. he doesn't mind kneeling for so long right there in front of you as you take your time to process everything. he watches over you and the way your fingers still twisted up against the drumsticks—not wanting to let go. when you hiss as the surge of pain comes from the open wound on your palm, your eyes look down at how jaeyun is holding on to your wrists so gently. the weight of his touch on your limbs lets you know that you aren't fully alone now.

your eyes blinked as you felt the warmth inside you thawing whatever rigidness you had built as a shield, knowing that yes, you have to talk about this sooner or later. all of this because he is also involved.

"can you stay by my side today?" your request had made him lift his eyebrows which you then follow with, "i feel safe with you." jaeyun nodded instantly, letting him pull the sticks of out your hands and places it in his bag as he helps you stand up, gathering your belongings into your bag before giving it back to you—not even letting go of his hold on you.

the boy stayed beside you as he watched the water turning a tint of red as you washed the dried blood on your hands, not even caring to clean up the stains of blood on your clothes, as you looked up at the mirror to find your swollen face and you exhaled with tremors. gently tapping on the hand with tissue so lightly, you met his gaze in the mirror's reflection as he watched you with a certain level of sadness. when you lean into him, he accepts you with his arm wrap around your waist as he gives a small kiss on your temple, holding you close as he follows you to whatever place you want to go.

your eyes met with sunghoon's—whose face is surprised but changes into a slight frown when he sees you—and he gives you a curt nod as jaeyun brings you away. you both left the venue's lot and stepped onto the bus. your head rested against the wide window as jaeyun still has his eyes on you, carefully holding your wrist even if he wants to interlock your fingers, because pressure on your wounds will just hurt you more. the bus drives down the hilly forest into the downtown area as you both step down at the bus stop by the beach that is overlooking the orange sky and the sun going nearer to the horizon.

you both sit down on the bench by the beach. the view of the lighthouse on top of the cliff paints more to the ambience that is the town of haeyang as you hold your hands to your lap. jaeyun is sitting beside you with his back leaning against the bench's backrest as he gazes at the beautiful view of sparkling water by the setting sun. then you started talking, reiterating what he might have known by the time he had found your book to this current moment. how you have your own band like his amperhyphen called dawndreamer, but your bandmates died in this particular town from a car accident against a truck.

"i was there, driving the car, and i can't help but be responsible for that event in my life." you let out a short chuckle as you continue to look at the glimmering water from the shining sun, knowing that jaeyun will listen. "we were listening to our shared rock playlist when we arrived in haeyang for our concert. rosanna by toto was playing as we all are basically continuing our carpool karaoke session. i also can't help but drum along by tapping against the steering wheel. as we drive to a green light four-way intersection when a truck comes through and slams into us from the passenger side of the car. we tumbled as the truck doesn't even fucking brake, continue to drive on and even slamming onto a lamp post before driving away. rosanna was the last song my friends heard as their pale skin just tells me that they're gone. the song that i will always cherish now." you can't help but blink away a little burn from the tears that are starting to form.

"you were driving in the intersection at a green light. you did the best you could."

"i should've…" you cut jaeyun off instantly before shaking your head, "i don't know why i'm telling you this. we're fucking friends after all." hearing the words that define your relationship nudges a little pain that blossoms in his heart, "but maybe, me talking about this could make you help me navigate all of this, especially because i've been using your drums too. without a verbal permission."

jaeyun moves his body and fully faces you as your fingers continue to curl and uncurl, knowing that rubbing the sweat off your palm would make the pain worse. the sunlight shines into your eyes, your side profile is mesmerising as ever, as he recalls back that your words say that you don't see him the way he sees you, especially in the ever-growing relationship you have.

"for the past three months, it has been such a wonderful time touring with you. with all of amperhyphen and sunghoon, and, and sophia too. seeing you on stage makes me feel like i live vicariously through you. we had similar genres going on with our music, so i can already imagine playing your drum parts on the stage. i was determined to be your friend, but we became something more… physical." you peek towards his side, making you tilt your head even a bit so he knows he is getting your attention, "but there is something more there as well."

you lightly bite your lip as a small scoff bubbles out from you, "you were holding me so warmly, especially in our last two stops. you always sat beside me when you first realised that i drink pills for motion sickness when we are doing long intercity trips, because that's one of the side effects from the car accident. you're trying to make me stay in your room when we agree that we will go back to each of our rooms after each fuck. but i always felt like you were stringing me along as i tried my best to stay down and deep on the ground, where i lay out myself so that i don't have to be swayed by you."

as jaeyun takes in all your words in his mind, from the denial to the bargaining, he is struggling to find the right words because he remembers all the times you left his room at night, all the times he had felt right after you went away from every fuck session you both had—including quickies and what not—and how he realizes that you're always cool at the receiving end of it all. that certain coolness also allowed him to be clingy when you reacted so naturally, but much of what you mentioned, he is doing them unconsciously. the last time you went to sleep with him was the first time you demanded him to do something, realising just how awful the power dynamic has been with knowing his situation as a musician and you are his staff. he can understand now what you meant by "stringing you around" because every time you both interact for intercourse, it is at his behest. and then he treats you more outside of it, too—knowing that that is not what you two agreed on.

jaeyun had wanted to give you a signal that yes, he does that because he cares for you. that what he is doing outside of the bedroom is his way to repay you for what you both have done. that he felt worried when you said that you were too tired or too sickly. that he discerned how his lips twitched when he heard you laugh at whatever his friends were saying. that he can't help but still be so mezmerized when watching you under the spotlight and even under the setting sun right now. he wants so much to repay you, to let him treat you like you treat him.

"every time you left after we fuck, i am always awake when i supposed to go to sleep." your eyes glance to the corner as he started speaking. your eyebrows starting to fold. "at the beginning, it was quick, five minutes to 10 minutes, when i just think about how you felt against me before that. but as we got into more of them, it gets longer, 30 minutes to one hour to then more." he lets his eyes meet yours.

"it was just me trying to take you in deeper than just surface-level memory: into my heart. when at first i was thinking about your body, then i started thinking about you in general. how in that time that feels so long before going to sleep, i was craving your warmth." jaeyun moved his hands, making you look down at how he is clenching them on his lap. "the last stop before haeyang, when you went away, i had contemplate to come and get you back, to let you sleep with me."

the boy let out a small chuckle before pursing his lips. "i did that actually. i stand in front of your door for 5 minutes, contemplating if i should get you back in my arms again for the night. but i can't, it breaks both of our boundaries that are going to be more bent beyond repair. and what happened two nights ago, when you were pushing me to fuck you so hard…" one of his hand move so he could feel yours, letting it graze your skin ever so slowly. "i'm so concerned for you, but you were having a bliss and you were pushing me to do so. so it's my turn to fulfil your wants that night. and then you stayed in my bed, exhausted. i stayed awake that night for a long time as i wrapped my arms around you and wish that i would still stay awake until you wake up, taking in that you're beside me." you peer down towards the hand that brushes against his, feeling the pain from the wound that are still there as you stretched the skin surface with your movement.

"what i want to say, in all of that rambling nonsense, is that i like you, (y/n). you playing the drums is a plus bonus because i already like you before that." his hand moved so he could touch your palm so gently, not wanting to press down on your hand as he continued. your eyes returning back to his face, who is now looking at the setting sun before glancing back to you. "i am addicted to your warmth and knowing how distant you've become the past few days makes me realize that i can't let you go like that. for the past three months, you're the one that has been there with me. understanding me when i sometimes rant out to you even if we didn't fuck that night. you were taking care of me, cleaning my makeup and patching me up when my drumstick broke and scratching my skin until it bled," he eyes your palm that is nearing to touch his, curling his fingers just for a little, but not adding pressure for a skin-to-skin contact.

"let me do that back to you. i want you to know that i'm here for you too, your beck and call, just like you are to me."

you take in his words, curving your fingers gently between his as you let out a huge sigh. you gaze back at the setting sun and the orange light filling up the sky around you. the sound of the crashing waves becomes the background noise for your process each and every phrase he had uttered about you. from the night after you left, to standing in front of the door, and his confession. you felt absolutely weird after saying what you said before him, but the lens you are seeing it through is changing from neutrality to a positive view.

after a slight squeeze coming from you in your connected hand, jaeyun lets out a silent exhale when you slip your hand from his touch, making him turn his head towards you as you still sense his light touch lingering on your skin. you finally spoke with a question.

"can you let me take it in first? let me process all of it?"

"absolutely." jaeyun immediately answered, "you're doing such a good job." he continued, leaving it so vague that it encompasses every worry you have of everything. you slowly stand up as you let your palm be grazed by the cool wind, taking a step backwards slowly towards the direction of your motel, which is so close to where the bench you both sat.

"good luck with the performance tomorrow, jaeyun."

he lets out a smile as you turn yourself around, glancing down at your swaying hands to see the blood staining your hand, then at his that was connected to your palm—seeing the little speck of your maroon blood on his skin. hollowness lets the air float inside him as he knew that that is what would happen anyway. that he does have feelings for you, he likes you and is very much interested in you, and the guilt is filling up because he was so fluctuating in his actions that he gives you mixed messages. jaeyun felt how his shoulders sag into himself. he will have to wait for you until you are ready with your answer, but for now, that worry also transfers to the state of tomorrow's performance.

the very last one. and he will have to pour it in with all of his might.

-

jaeyun's body jitters as he peeks out from the left wing of the stage, watching as more and more of the crowd enters the venue before turning around to face the backstage. he walked towards the vanity table where sophia had put makeup on him and the rest of his bandmates, lightly biting his lip ring as he gazed at the ruffled blond hair and his black and red tattoo on his left arm with the black tank top on through the mirror. he catches the sound of claps as he sees sunghoon standing nearby the stage, making him turn and walk towards him as he tucks in one side of his in-ear monitor. jongseong, euijoo, and nicholas all gather by their manager along with sophia who stands back. their faces are all full of smiles as he looks around and can't help for the smile to grow on his face too,

"come on! this is THE last stop. let's end it with a fucking banger." sunghoon had said as the other yells in excitement. he could see sophia taking the video of the band as they do their group cheer. hands on top of each other as jongseong—the designated frontman—starts the yell and they all move with their arms up high in synchrony. jaeyun's hands have bandages wrapped around the area he is most prone to cuts as he glances at the hand that taps on nicho's back and the other holding onto the set of drumsticks whilst they stay by the wing. when the lights from the building turned off, he could hear the crowd enrapturing in the darkness and he looked one last time at the wing to find no presence of you.

shaking the shivers off of him, he then steps onto the stage as more cheers come from the audience who are watching their moving silhouettes. jaeyun climbs on the foundation where his drum kit stands and sits on the stool, placing the drumsticks in each hand as he can't help to glance down, gripping onto the sticks that have your blood stains—the pair you were playing with yesterday. in this very moment, he remembered your words perfectly.

"seeing you on stage makes me feel like i live vicariously through you…"

and with the sticks you marked within his grip, you are now playing with him on the stage. he sure hoped that you were still watching him, even if he didn't see you before the concert starts.

he looks at the rest of his bandmates who are setting up their instruments, straps across their chest as jaeyun hears the familiar guitar tuning sound from the speaker. the pressure comes suddenly, digging onto his shoulders as he caught the eyes of each of his friends, all are assuring each other that they are ready as euijoo nods towards the stagehand at the side.

when he heard the click track in his ear, the spotlight lights up on jaeyun as he starts the song, knocking the drumsticks with each other as the rest of the band plays their first song, which starts with an instrumental. his head starts to buzz, focusing on the click track and also on nicho's bass as he plays the lines along with the drums. his eyebrows start to furrow, jaw tense as he plays the part and the transitions between each section of the song, like the many times he had practised and the few times he had to revise and improvised. yet, under that spotlight, he is reminded of you. you who had played his drum kit full of vigour, focusing on stabilising the rhythm and supporting the song as best as you could. jaeyun can see himself in third person, watching himself like he had watched you yesterday, drumming away under the stagelights and the vision from the audience watching them.

his hooded eyelids, a tell for him that is slowly going into the flow state, become wide open full of awareness when he gets into the right dosage, looking at every cymbal and tom before on euijoo's and jongseong's backs who are singing into their mic stand. then, he let himself view beyond his kit. his sight is looking at the fans who are watching them in awe, some are singing along, some are nodding their heads as he glimpses from one corner and trails down the barricade area. when he arrived at the other corner, he also saw a crew who had their hands wrapped with pristine white bandages that stand out from the darkness, a few bandages on the fingers and a bandage on the fold between the forefinger and middle finger on each side—similar to what he has on his hands.

jaeyun continues to look that certain way as he watches he reflecting camera lens moving downwards even for a bit, looking at the owner who doesn't focus on the viewfinder but instead on him: you. you with a smile on your face that makes him tug his own lips to mimic it as he heard jongseong yelling "hello, haeyang," whose audience cheers for the greeting before he goes to the guitar solo as the boy stabilises his rhythm to support the guitarist.

the concert continues on and jaeyun couldn't keep his eyes off of you for most of it. you're moving from one side of the room to the other as he lets muscle memory kick in after the tens of performances he had done for the tour. jaeyun had to look at the others too when they turned towards him as the band played their instrumental parts, hearing screams of his bandmates' stage name and his own "jake!" bursting into the space as they seemed, more or less, feels like jamming for themselves instead of perfoming for an audience. but that is what is desired for the crowd who continues to urge the band, as he could feel the familiar growing chemistry that combines in their performances. yet, the others didn't notice when they turned back as he continued to glance at your way.

he continues to glance at you as you record them playing on the stage, running around with your camcorder as you zoom in on the way euijoo is picking his guitar strings before turning towards its fretboard to capture his hands moving in chords as the sound continues. jaeyun can't help but peek at your face now with a new context—how you looked at euijoo with a sense of pride in them, like you are seeing your own bandmate performing on the stage and playing the guitar. when you moved to record him on stage, he turns his head in a suave way as he focuses on the drums, earning giggles from you, and he smirks as a reaction because he knows that it is only for him to notice.

jaeyun continues to play for the next hour or so, taking a bit of rest that includes the drink break as the members are all speaking into the mic and interacting with the audience for a few bits. sweat trailing down from his head to his torso to even on his exposed kneecaps of his ripped jeans as he continues. returning back into the flow state that makes his body move on autopilot as the adrenaline kicks in and produces once again. his tongue is licking his bottom lip ring unconsciously as he can feel the beat entering him, and yet, he is still holding onto the consciousness that is the unanswered confession of his to you. an anchor that makes him more aware, which in return makes him able to gauge the force he had to use to drum away—controlling his stamina as best as possible until the end of the show.

his hands move to the crashes as the last song nears the end. nicholas, euijoo, and jongseong all sang into their microphones as he mouthed the lyrics near his mic stand, head lulling following the rhythm for the last time, to then let the music stop and the spotlight shining on jongseong, who continued playing his melody as the music faded away. yet, jaeyun's eyes landed on yours when he could feel the fulfilment in him that is making him want to let out every emotion he is feeling through his tears. and he did so.

the boy smiles when he feels his eyes are burning, turning back towards the stage as euijoo says his final, final goodbye to represent the band.

"this is amperhyphen signing off from the tour! thank you so fucking much."

he heard the cheers and claps that is making his ears numb, causing him to pull out the in-ear monitor as he takes in the reaction that hits him hard. a sole tear fell down from the corner of his eye as the spotlight shines once again on the stage, seeing nicho opening his arm that is making him step out from his stool and jogs to the front of the stage. jaeyun never lets go of the drumsticks when he and his friends all gather in a group hug. finally. finally letting go of the big pressure of the touring in this last performance that has gone through without any clear hiccups. he can't help but lean his head against jongseong's shoulder, hearing euijoo whispering just between the four about how proud he is.

as he steps onto the wings when the audience all go out from the venue, his breath is knocked out of him when he feels arms wrapped around his sweaty body. arms tangles and pressed against his back as he felt the familiar warmth—making him wrap his arm around the figure as they pulled away, finding your face that was hidden in the crook of his neck when you hugged him. then, he felt one of your bandaged hands cup his cheek and make him lean into you, crashing your lips on his as his splayed hand rested to hold onto your back.

at first, he was in a daze before he could reciprocate, feeling your warm breath on his face as you let him push his tongue into your mouth, earning a muffled moan from you that made you both pull away. both of you are taking deep breaths as you lean in closer to his face.

"i like you too," you spoke to him, to answer what he asked yesterday.

"r-really?" he felt how his heart beat kick-started into a fast pace so suddenly.

"yeah, sim jaeyun. i like you too," head producing nods as you say it. then he wrapped his arms around you as you squealed, hugging you so tight as he peppered kisses all over your face. you pushed him away, making him look back at you with an overwhelmed face.

"are you alright?" jaeyun questioned so suddenly as you wiped a little drop of tears from the corner of his eyes. you lean your nose as it brushes against his.

"never been better."

the others come in as they all gather around you, feeling all the stickiness of their sweat as you roll your head to look around when you feel them hugging around your figure—even with sophia's little squeeks as she is brought into the hug as well. a group that you called family for the last three months. then, you pushed your head to rest against the exposed skin of jaeyun's shoulder.

"we're going to celebrate tomorrow, yes?" jongseong asked the group after they created their distance to look clearly at each other. all eyes are on sunghoon who looks at them with a small smile.

"yeah, one more day for us to relax here. then, the next day, we can go home."

"alright!" nicholas exclaimed as he already had sophia in his arms as all of you turned towards the backstage area. you quickly pack up your items, checking for the last time all the belongings in your bag to find them all there before you turn around to find jaeyun leaning against the wall with his arm crossed in front of his chest. his muscles are flexing as he found your eyes and lifted one of his eyebrows. walking towards him, he pushes his arm towards you as you grasp his hand, feeling his bandaged fingers meeting yours as you take a low, sharp breath when you feel the pressure that remains there.

stepping out of the back door, you and jaeyun expresses your gratitude to the stage crew who has worked hard on the concert tonight, hands not letting go as you small talk with a few of the stagehands that helped you with the recording, telling them to send the clips they have to the cloud folder you had mentioned yesterday so you can make the edit to put on the band's social media. you return to face jaeyun, who only has a warm smile as he was staring at you before turning his head towards the car that is starting its engine. you wave the crew goodbye as you both quickly go to the vehicle, the passengers are waiting for you two outside as the ones with the designated seats at the very back.

the car drives down the road that is full of trees on either side, making you lean your head against the glass window as you can see your own breath fogging it, your sight focusing on the moon's shine behind the branches and leaves of trees. then, you felt something on your shoulder as you peeked to find jaeyun's nose and mouth in your peripheral vision, letting him gaze at what you were seeing. the trees starts to thin out and more buildings start to show as you eye the downtown area of haeyang. finding that most of the businesses are all closed except for the nighttime ones, like bars and fast food restaurants. the view also includes the beach as the vehicle approaches the motel, seeing how the streetlight by the path before the sands highlights the shore area before it is being covered by the buildings and the now familiar parking lot.

"you have a key copy on you, right?" sophia turns to you as you finish stepping on the flight of stairs, still connected by hand with jaeyun as you turn to find nicholas' arm is wrapped around her shoulders, and the view of the other boys retreating towards their rooms.

"yeah!"

"nice!" she replied with the same enthusiam as you before a smirk came out on with an expression, "though i don't think that we will be needing them anyways." nicho giggles at her saying when she turns towards him, making you raise your eyebrows before turning to the boy beside you to see him wiggling his own, which you reply with eye roll.

"well, have fun, you two. just like we will have fun." nicholas gave a wink to both of you as he guided sophia, who gave you both a small wave, to his motel room—leaving you behind in the corridor with jaeyun.

"let's go?" he voices out, returning his eyes from his friends' figures to you as you meet them with yours.

"let's."

the walk towards his room feels different from the last time two nights ago. when the previous one has more energy to it—both of you are necessarily tipsy and full of lust; this time is much more comfort-based, where you both are just happy being in each other's company. you had a restless night the last two nights and you don't want to make it worse with your overreliance on antidepressant pills. that the night before the concert, when you told jaeyun everything, you had watched sophia's breath whilst sleeping as you thought about your feelings for him, not being able to sleep yourself. how you used him for yourself at first—joining the crew just so that you could relive those concerts again whilst memorising it digitally—but also for your closure and how it affects him and you.

leaning back on the cold pillow last night whilst you stare at the ceiling, you realised that you do like jaeyun. his sizzling touches turning soft as he guides you to the car, or when you're hanging out with the others with him. the conversations still felt normal, like what friends should have, but his warmth felt different whenever he sits beside you or tells you to sit beside him. having the same position in a band—the same job if you squint at it—makes you more open with him, even if you didn't tell your other side to him at first. but the chemistry is already there. you have a lot of things in common that you can now voice out after acting so nonchalantly about the band that creates music you actually listened to. trying to create this image of yourself that just doesn't feel authentic when you are more similar to the boys than the image of a typical social media person—where sophia's attentiveness to the cracks makes you open it fully, especially in this very town.

you tugged your sneakers off after loosening the laces. jaeyun is already a few steps away as you view his room. his suitcase is closed so tidily with his other belongings on the desk. placing his stuff by his bedside table, including the drumsticks he used today that he hasn't let go, he turns towards you and helps you pick up and place your bag.

"you wanna join me?" jaeyun asks, his head turning to the open bathroom door beside you already with its lights on. facing him once again, you looked back at his eye-shadowed and eye-lined eyelids as you just knew what you were doing next and nodded. you walked towards him as you pulled out a pouch from your bag and the makeup cleanser and cotton pads before walking into the bathroom. there, you find items strewn across the sink counter. but the one that caught your eye is the box with the photo of the bandages that are wrapped around his fingers.

scooting a bit more, jaeyun stands beside you as you catch his reflection on the mirror across from you both. his fringe was all floppy from the sweat accumulated from performing. his eye makeup was melting to the side of his cheeks as he caught your eyeline. giving a thin smile, you put the items on the counter between both of you. and as you grab onto your cotton pad, jaeyun follows as he spreads the cleanser flat on the pad he is holding before letting the coolness touch his skin. he watches you as his hand mimics yours that is moving around your face, wiping away the eye area as he can see the dark colour smudge there.

you also wipe your lips and cheeks, letting your cream blush and most of the colour of your lipstick all gone as you chuckle when you turn your head to him, making you point at the upper lid of your own eye as jaeyun wipes there. serenity washes both of you as you wait for him to finish, looking at your covered hands as you slowly curl your fingers, feeling the strain of the muscles there—but also the leftover pain of the wounds.

a hand reaches for yours as it wraps around your wrist and pulls you towards the closed-lid toilet. jaeyun brought you to sit on his lap, your breath knocked out as you pulled back to look at him below you. but his attention is on your bandaged hands.

"let me help," he mumbles before peering up at you, making you nod as he brings one of your hands before him. with his left hand holding it still, you watched him slowly pulling away the bandage on the space between the two fingers, the slight pressure dissipating from your hand. the cool air graces your scar as he flips the hand with the palm now facing upwards. his hand then continued to remove the other bandages sticking onto your skin, now letting you see the scabbed scar as he could see the little blisters around from the broken skin surface that is healing up.

"we need to get another layer of antiseptic after showering on these two wounds." jaeyun uttered as you watched him, not expecting for him to actually kiss the skin around scar as he hold it so carefully. that action makes you cup onto his jaw and pivot his head for you to easily kiss his lips. jaeyun instantly reciprocates, moving his pair in tandem with your other bandaged hand resting on his face until you move away and your forehead rubs against his.

gently, you helped him open his bandages as he continued with yours. he reacts with a hiss when he sees the blisters on your fingers that the first layer of skin couldn't keep safe, waiting for the cells to regenerate. while you admired his fingers and felt the hardened calluses on them and how they're more spread than the ones on your hands. both of them have proof of drumming as you both adjust on how to grip the sticks in your own ways, creating friction against the skin that rubs too much and creates chaffing you both have to endure. and as the last of the bandages is placed on the counter, both of your hands then peel off each other's clothes.

skin-to-skin contact makes shivers run down your spine as you breathe out so shakily. your body already recognises his touch as you feel his muscles on his chest and toned arms. the black and red tattoos gracing his skin as you felt his lip ring adding coolness to his warm kiss on your neck—feeling your nipples hardening against his skin as jaeyun stands in front of you. helping you to stand up, you both then tugged down your bottoms as you stood bare before him as he to you. usually, when you both are fully naked, one of you will jump on the other and initiate that habit you had created with him. however, as you stand before him now, those acts were being pushed back as you eyed each other before he leads you to the shower area behind the glass.

the shower head pours out water as you stand at the back, letting him test the water out before asking "is this alright for you?" as you place your hand against the falling droplets.

"yes, it is," you answered as jaeyun steps first and you could feel how your breath hitches. as you stand across from him, you watch as he lets the downpour hit him with his eyes closed and head tilting back, letting the water glisten down his body. from his nose, down to his adam's apple. from the chest and it trails down following his abdominal lines before going to his v line as they drop from his big hanging cock. you lightly bit the inside of your cheek before returning to his face, finding him already watching you as he moved to the side to let you stand under the pouring water.

you let it flow down your skin, feeling the grime washing away down the drain as you stood in front of him. the water wetting your hair as the strands get heavy, brushing against your skin as it flows down until your nether region and dripping down the side of your thighs. your hand brushes against the skin, making you wince even a bit as the water grazes the blisters across your hands. jaeyun moves to the side as he squeezes the soap that the motel gives in the bathroom before turning towards you.

"i can't imagine how much you're struggling in soaping yourself," jaeyun mentioned as you chuckle, letting bubbles show up between his palms after rubbing them.

"i'll help," he mumbled and you nodded, making your turn around from him as he lathers the soap across your back. you let out a huge sigh, feeling the pressure of his movement massaging your muscles, especiallly your shoulders. as it continues to go to your waist, you then turn around to let him pour some soap on your palm before, as careful as ever, spread them against your palms without hurting yourself as you help him too. his hand brushes against your belly button piercing as you spread against his upper chest.

as you both continue to spread soap on each other's bodies, the air feels different. gone was the lustful atmosphere around you when you two are doing something so domestic, so calm and careful, as you also reciprocate his impromptu massages with you doing it to his back muscles as well.

you both stood by each other, his hand that was spreading soap to pull the dirt off of you now rested against your waist. your head is tilting forward as you brush the shampoo away from your hair. jaeyun is also doing so until there is no slippery surface you can feel. his warmth combined with the relaxing warm shower, but then he starts to do more.

tilting your head to face the tiled walls, you sense his hand moving down to your hip before moving closer to the middle. you stepped back and felt him behind you. his skin touching yours as you felt a gush of your arousal that was threaten to show as you kiss him backstage finally showing up—and you also feel his cock becoming harder, felt it sliding between your buttcheeks.

"you're gorgeous," he whispers into your ear, making you lean your head back to graze against him as his hand moves now to your middle. his fingertips brushing against your lower lip before finding your clit.

"hah!" you gasp as he rubs his fingers against your sensitive bud, which you like. and with his haggard breaths against your skin and the pelting water flowing down between you two, you reached out behind your figure until you felt his cock and wrapped your hand around it.

in all that time of jaeyun brushing his thick lips against your skin, you could feel yourself getting warmer against even the warm water. shivers continue to spread across your body when you feel his other hand moving closer to your core. the moisture you are excreting is evident in his touch as his breath gently caresses the leaf of your ear. eyes now closed, the eyelids only letting a small amount of light seep inside your vision as jaeyun continues to trail kisses from below your neck and to your shoulder. your hand continues stroking him, feeling how his blood runs in his veins and makes his member harder.

opening your eyes even with droplets sticking onto your eyelashes, you turn your head to the side and bring your free hand to cup his cheek, guiding his lips to yours as they crash against each other—both of your breaths are taken away. your lips pursed as you felt two of his fingers plunge inside you, combining with the one caressing your clitoris as you adjusted your stroke to his pace as you also mind about your wound. water runs down between your faces as your hooded eyes meet his, breathing against each other's lips where every brush of movement makes them meet.

you could feel him pushing you towards your edge as jaeyun groans, his jaw unhinged as you also have your mouth agape. shaking your head, you know you can't take much longer after all the sud have been down the drain.

letting his cock go, you turned yourself around in his embrace as your force push him towards the tiled wall. hands on his nape as his naturally moved to your hips when jaeyun lets you kiss him hard. his head knocked against the wall softly as he sense how you are rubbing yourself on him. a leg slowly lifts up against his and that makes him cup both of your cheeks, pulling you back to face him. jaeyun nudges forward, letting his nose brush against yours as he says, "let me love you on the bed."

nods came from him as you follow, blinking slowly at the boy as one of your hands grabs his and he turns off the shower. the soft towels dried most of the liquid from your skin as he brought you to him and helped dry yourself as best as he could. your hair is still full of water as you brush your lips against his—earning giggles as you try to squeeze as much out as possible.

as the bathroom door opens and jaeyun throws the towels somewhere near it, you throw yourself on his bed before scooting up to feel the soft pillows under you. his wet blond hair sticks onto his forehead as he crawls above you, pressing and trailing his lips from your ankle towards your leg and arriving at your core—giving a long lick that makes him hum and you gasp because of his lip ring. and it trails upwards. licking your belly button and its piercing, to your sternum and giving sucks to both of your nipples, to your neck and sucking eac side to give you little lovebites, to your jaw, your cheek, the button of your nose, and then your lips as you open your mouth to let his tongue in; hands bracing him as it settle between you.

his hard and red cock presses up against your lower lips as your hand moves to grab it, making him move back a little as he watches you guiding his tip to your slit. finding the hole where it catches, you use your other hand's fingers and spread it open, creating a perfect target for him to push in as you both fleet your eyes back to each other. the sensation is all so familiar, but something you both aren't tired of—especially now when many more emotions are flowing between the two of you. stakes much higher than ever before as this is the first time you lay beneath him bare—both physically and psychologically.

small moans came out of you as you held eye contact with him, sensing the delicious push as your walls formed around him once again, gripping onto him as something so familiar. jaeyun's look on you has something different other than lust, evident with him brushing the baby hairs sticking onto your forehead as he brought his lips closer to yours. your eyebrows folded as he pushed himself until he reached the hilt, caressing his tip against your cervix as you bite your bottom lip before raising your head slightly to give him a small kiss. your hand curling against his wet locks of hair as you nodded at him, folding your legs near his hips as he rolls into you.

jaeyun watches how your face contorts, the silent moans combine with the loud ones from before, creating a perfect balance for you. a stable balance to receive his passion as he felt your fingernails moving against the skin on his back. eyes continue watching his—never letting go.

"you're mine…" you mumbled out as one of his hands rested on the pillow beside you move to brush against your lips. his thumb is dragging your bottom lip as jaeyun continues to thrust into you slowly, feeling your arousal coating him to create smoother movements.

"i'm yours and you're mine," jaeyun echoes, forehead leaning against yours as you gaze into his beautiful irises.

"always has been yours," you trail your hand across his back and cup his cheek, making him lean into the touch with his now enlarged eyes—asking an unsaid question about what you said.

a small chuckle comes from you as you reply, "you're the very first that claims me." and the corner of his lips lifted as he reads into every word you said. and as you move down your hand to his back, pushing him deep as you both let out gasps, you make it clearer to him. because you have nothing to lose anymore when he knows everything—he wants to know everything about you and you want to know about him too.

"the very, very first and forever."

jaeyun let out such a delicious moan as he pressed his lips on yours, making you brace yourself against him as you sense how his thrusts become faster. your heels digging into his skin as you give your control to him. moans bounce against each other as you can't help but grip onto him so tightly. his wet hair forms in clumps as it dries when you touch them. your eyes flipping back into your skull as you nodded to him, eyes speaking to him with whatever you want to convey.

"yeah?" you nodded to his reply.

"please…" his mouth caught onto your whispers.

"voice it out for me," jaeyun follows with a groan, baring his teeth that are gritting against each other. "let me hear what you say to me out loud."

"please… fill me up with you. i'm all yours- fuck- yun!" your head continues to move as he slams his forehead against you, rooting his body on you there as his hips moves against yours—your own also moving in rhythm to chase that high. the moist sound fills the room as the skin-to-skin contact is proof of the passion you have for each other. your thumb traces his bottom lip that he is biting before letting it and the coolness of his piercing meets your swollen pair. eyebrows furrowed as you felt your muscles spasming as he didn't let go, making your warnings swallow by him as you felt yourself shaking against him.

jaeyun moans into your mouth as he continues moving, your walls clamping down as his sound vibrates against you when your hands cup his cheeks to hold him tight. a warm liquid spurting inside your walls as he holds you close and tighter than ever before. pulling away, your saliva is sticking to each other as the lamp beside you shines on the glistening skin around his thick lips. giggles bubbling out of you as he follows, pecking your kiss before flipping his position—making you straddle onto him with your hand bracing against his tattooed arm.

you teasingly wiggle above him, feeling his cum and yours trickling down and pool against the base of his groin. leaning down, your chin rested against his chest as he fixed his pillow's position. his hand moves to your back, caressing from your pubic bone and up your spine as you smile at him—knowing that you both aren't going to have much sleep with the leftover lust in his eyes full of love. turning your head towards the bedside lamp, you caught onto the wooden texture of his drumsticks when you actually had to do a double-take. mouth slightly open at seeing the realisation of the crimson spots on the grip side.

the pair of drumsticks was littered with blood stains. the drumstick you played with yesterday—the drumsticks he was playing with tonight.

your hand reaches for one of the sticks as jaeyun watches, feeling the wooden material grazing your skin as you fixed your grip—the stains are mostly covered up with the way you are holding it as you eye your numb wound that is very much alright with the contact. eyeing back to the boy, he only tilts his head at you: confirming every thing you are thinking about as he gets his reward by a small kiss under his eye.

pushing yourself to sit upright, you fix your position as if you are sitting on the stool behind the drum kit—feeling how his cock is still snuggled inside you and how messy this will be. but you were too tired and tangled to even be thinking of going away from him, and then, jaeyun watches you as you twirl your drumstick in your hand. the wooden stick glides across your fingers as the momentum of the swing feels so familiar for both you and him. you lightly bit your bottom lip to see how you are doing the twirls you do when you are so in the zone when playing.

"since when did you play drums?" jaeyun asks a crystal clear question between the two of you that he didn't ask yesterday. but you already had an answer in mind about it.

"since i was seven years old," his eyebrows widen and jaw agape with your answer.

"seven?! i thought i was early when i started playing at nine." his reply earns chuckles from you before you purse your lips, eyes looking away from him for a bit as you gather your childhood memories with drums from your mind's filing cabinet.

"in a way, it's earlier than that." your hands rested on his chest, the stick between his skin and your palm as you leaned a bit closer to him.

"i joined a marching band corps when i was in kindergarten. i wanted to do the xylophone, but the slots are all filled. so they move me to the colour guard position. you know, those who twirl the coloured flags," both of your hands move to hold the drumstick in them, twirling it around like you are holding the flag pole. "after training with it for two weeks, the instructor suddenly tells the team that they are one short in snare drum. so i volunteered and played a snare drum in the marching band. we actually won a few regional championships—whenever there's a kindergarten level for them, of course."

jaeyun watches as your hand holding the stick moves once again into a grip he recognises as the traditional grip. the palm facing upwards instead of down as you play with it, feeling the tip of the stick brush his skin as you mimic how you drum back then.

"i took a liking in playing it. then i had to graduate kindergarten and my parents notice me liking it so much. so on my seventh birthday, they give me this mini drum kit for that is child-size in our living room and i swear, they regret the day after because the only thing i wanna do after school is banging some toms and crashes." laughter flies between the two of you as you then continue, "then dad starts to introduce me to the music he listens to. typical dad rock music like rolling stones, ac/dc, and toto. but i got addicted. and yeah, that's how i became a full-fledged drummer."

"you have more flight hours than me in drumming," he startes as you felt him holding onto your waist, "that you are so confident in playing prog rock that when i saw that fucking rush's tom sawyer notation, i swear i was baffled." jaeyun's hands pulls you into his embrace once again, making your chest rest against each other as you felt how his touch turns to tickles.

"i have to hear you play it. better yet, can you teach me?" you lightly tapped against his chest, licking your lips while holding in from showing a wide smile—which you fail to do.

"hey! you're also familiar with odd time signatures, baby," the nickname came out unexpectedly. but then you felt him wrap his arms behind you, to bring you closer. now chin to chin, you still held your head up to look into his eyes, feeling him shaking his head side to side.

"tom sawyer and fucking rosanna are a different beast than what i play, baby," he echoes the nickname to you as you roll your eyes playfully. a pout forming on your face as you look back at him. then all of the muscles on your face relax as you take a huge breath with a long exhale.

leaning down, you rested your head against the crook of his neck. the free hand moved behind him as the other grips onto the drumstick that now rested on the pillow beside his head. jaeyun heard the little sobs coming from you, making him move his hand to your shoulder blades. you tugged him closer, bridging the gaps between the two of you as you let the night bring you anywhere you both want. any conversation opened for both of you, and you both know that you won't let this moment down, even if sleep reminds you multiple times.

-

"you two are lucky i have made several sketches for drums." those are the first words uttered as jaeyun spoke to soobin, the tattoo artist you both got assigned to for your walk-in session.

your hisses continue as you watch the blond-haired tattoo artist finish the stencil pressed on your right inner forearm. the ink colour blooming against your skin as your left hand grips onto jaeyun's right hand that already has his matching tattoos inked in the same position. the tattoo of the drum kit with smooth lines as jaeyun has his kick drum area to be tattooed with the ampersand symbol that strikes through with a hyphen symbol that he had drawn: ampherhyphen's logo. while your kick bass drum has a cursive writing of dawndreamer on it, exactly as the one you have of the kick drum back in your childhood home.

eyes gazing back at jaeyun, his eyes met yours as soobin prepares to wrap your arm with plastic as aftercare. the older boy glances towards jaeyun as he nods, "all done. you know your tattoo aftercare." he tilts his hand towards the full-sleeve tattoo that he asks jaeyun about and how great it looks. "show your girl what to do with it too."

"got it, mate," he replied as you both stood up from the seat. your eyes look at the fresh tattoo etched on your skin that is so vivid as you glance back at the tattoo artist, giving a curt nod as a thank you, as he also nods his head.

with your tattooed right arm connecting its fingers with his tattooed left arm, you both walked down downtown haeyang for the last time. both of you are on standby for sunghoon's chat when you are ready to go and celebrate the ending of the tour. but you also need your closure, and when you found the familiar street, you let out a sigh as you took every step forward with confidence.

standing at the corner of the four-way intersection, your eyes are burning with tears as jaeyun notices—his fingers wrapping tighter around you to let you remember that you are not alone. that he sees you. that he understands you.

"hi gaeul, ningning, tsuki…" you started, eyes focused on the very middle of the intersection where all of the streets come together. a tear slipped out from the corner of your eyes as you remembered your crashed car, but in front of it, you see three apparitions appear before you. all are wearing the clothes you remember, all wearing their guitars and bass across their chest like you always see them when you all jam out.

"i hope you're proud of me…" you nodded your head as you spoke, holding still on the confirmation as you felt the heavy weight you were carrying on your shoulders tumbling down. turning your head to face jaeyun, he had already watched you with a reassuring smile. you reciprocate as you press your forehead on his.

"i, i don't know what to do after this," you said to him, truly. after the conversation you had last night, opening up about everything to the last thing about the impromptu matching drum kit tattoos with your respective bands, the aftermath of this tour lingers in your head because of sudden separation after being with him—being with them—for so long.

"you still have college to do, right?" jaeyun speaks slowly before as he feels you move your head in nods. "i also have mine to finish," he lightly bites his lip before continuing, "but i will get back to you all the time. i will drive to pick you up and bring you with me. therapy, gigs, concerts to watch, i will be with you in the entire journey."

a small gasp comes from you as you brought your arms behind his figure and presses him against you in a tight and warm hug, letting his shoulder become a place to cry on as you let out such many sobs—pushing all those feelings out as your eyes gaze back at the intersection, seeing the ghosts of your best friends all smiling at you. your lips brush against his ear.

"thank you, jaeyun, for making me realise i am not fully alone"

you lean back as the boy looks at you with such an endearing smile, his thumb brushing the fallen tear trailing down the apple of your cheek as he nodded and mouthed back a "thank you to you too." he brought his hand to connect back with yours when your ringtone rings at the same time, the sound coming from the group chat as jaeyun lifted his phone and show you the notification of sunghoon telling you all to gather around so you all can go to where you will be celebrating.

nodding in agreement, you let him take the lead to bring you back to your friends. yet, you still turn your head back to look at the intersection, finding the hazy apparition of your friends smiling back at you before they fade away as they move on—and you have to do so too. pivoting back to see jaeyun looking back at you, you let out such a wide smile as you take steps to stand beside him so you could walk together. leaving haeyang and this chapter of your life as you walk on to a healing path with jaeyun beside you—celebrating his band, all of the work, and your relationship that is getting richer and richer than the sound of drums playing in a crescendo.

taglist: @raeyunshm @leilasmom @evidive @boba-beom @kwiwin @heesw1fe @aloverga @fancypeacepersona @endzii23 @fluffyywoo @camipendragon @hiqhkey @wccycc @cha0thicpisces @y4wnjunz @yeehawnana @beansworldsstuff @kimipxl @blurryriki @amazzwon @sunpov @ineedsomezzz @reallysmolrenjun @stealanity @zyvlxqht @deobitifull @gandaengene @kristynaaah @m1kkso @amaraeofsunshine @nyxtwixx @shinrjj @jiyeons-closet

© writingmochi on tumblr, 2021-2025. all rights reserved

[maybankprincess]

Heyyy this is a request for kinktober could you please do one of Carlos Sainz x reader

With a praise and lactation kink?

day 10: praise kink + lactation kink

pairing...carlos sainz x reader 

warnings…postpartum, lactation, unprotected sex (remember to wrap it kids!!), not proofread 

word count....1.3k

it’s been nearly 3 months since you’ve had your babygirl. nights were spent waking up every 3 hours to feed your babygirl. the joy you felt when you were able to breastfeed your babygirl, happy you were able to do it without much trouble. 

you felt a deep sense of contentment not only from bonding with your daughter but also from watching carlos embrace fatherhood so naturally. the way he would get up without hesitation to change diapers in the middle of the night or gently rock her back to sleep filled you with pride and happiness. you could see the love in his eyes every time he held her close, whispering soft words to soothe her tiny cries.

he'd always wanted to be a dad, and now here he was, holding his little girl with the kind of care that made your heart swell. whether it was playfully making silly faces to coax a smile from her or simply lying beside her on the floor during tummy time, carlos was already her first hero. 

there was something so primal and undeniably attractive about watching him step into fatherhood with such devotion. you found yourself growing impatient for his touch in a more intimate manner. 

you were laying down on your shared bed as carlos was shirtless while rocking your baby trying to get her to sleep. you watched in awe as carlos looked down at your baby with love filled eyes, singing her a lullaby to get her to sleep. once she was asleep, he went to her room and left her in her crib to sleep before coming back to the bedroom. 

he laid down next to you and placed the baby monitor on the nightstand. “hopefully we’ll get a few hours of sleep in before she gets up for a change and a feed” carlos says and sighs as he looks over to you as you nod at his words. 

you looked down at his shirtless frame and couldn’t help but start to feel turned on by the sight of him. you had been wanting to pin down your husband for a while now but the added responsibility of becoming parents always got in the way. and now that you’ve got an opportunity to feel your husband in you for the first time in months, you’re gonna take it. 

you moved closer to your husband and let your hand gently caress his exposed chest. carlos notices his intimate touch and turns his head to look at you. “baby” he mumbles as he watches you glide your nails down his abdomen. 

you press your lips against his as you tangle your legs with his. “i want you” you mumble against his lips as you start grinding against his growing member. 

carlos groans at your movements as he grabs your hips and guides your grinding speed. your hips come in contact with soft thuds as the sound of rustling sheets fill the room. 

he moves so that he’s holding himself over you and you lay down on your back. you hold your legs apart as he places himself between them. he leans down to kiss you. you feel your panties getting soaked as carlos grinds into you. you pull away from the kiss as you feel a tingly sensation coming from your nipples. 

you look down at your shirt and realized that your shirt had dark circles from milk leaking out of your nipples. carlos notices the shift in emotion and follows your gaze down to your shirt. he chuckles as he touches the wet spots. 

“looks like someone’s turned on” he teases as he helps you take off the oversized shirt you were wearing. 

“i can’t go anywhere without these leaking” you mention and pout as you see your chest glistening from the liquid. 

“well let’s go something about them” he says as he leans down and connects his mouth with your nipple before starting to suck on it. 

you feel the warmth spread towards the center of your boob before feeling a sense of relief once the milk starts coming out of your nipple. carlos moans as the warm liquid enters his mouth, he sucks harder as he squeezes the boob he wasn’t using causing some milk to trickle down your chest. 

“you’re making a mess, baby” you moan out as you tangle your fingers in his hair and gently pull on the roots. he groans as you pull his hair and pulls away to look up at you with swollen cherry red lips. you smirk as you look down at him before connecting your lips to his. he groans in the kiss as he moves to take off your comfy pants and panties. 

you help him take off his clothes leaving him only in his underwear. he pulls down his underwear strap releasing his hard cock as it springs up to his lower abdomen. he groans as he jerks off his cock, pulling the skin down revealing his red tip. 

carlos helps you part your legs as he begins to rub his fingers between your holds, gathering your arousal on his fingers before plunging them in your pussy. you sigh in pleasure as he moves his fingers in and out of you. 

your body jerk as you feel pleasure rush up your body, you moans as your breathing and heartbeat increases. 

“shh you’re doing so good for me” carlos whispers as he presses wet kisses to your neck “let me make you feel good” he adds 

his words make you relax as you hold onto his biceps. craving more, you begin rocking your hips up into his fingers. 

“i want you” you moan out as your walls involuntarily clench around his fingers 

“alright baby” he whispers as he takes his fingers out of you before quickly replacing them with his hardened cock. 

carlos slowly pushes his member in you, giving you time to adjust to his size again after months of not having sex. 

“you doing okay, baby?” he asks as he groans as your walls barely give him space to fit. 

you nod and reply “yes, you can move” you add before feeling him start to thrust in and out of your hole as your mouth parts open and you let out breathy moans. 

carlos increases his pace and soon the room is filled with the sound of skin slapping. when he starts hitting your g-spot, you start moaning loudly, loving the way it made you feel. 

“oh, i love when you get vocal for me, cariño” he lets out between his own groans.

you feel yourself come undone under him, “i’m so close” you moan out as your hands wrap around his back, holding onto him for dear life. your nails scratching his back as he pounded into your swollen pussy. 

“give it to me, baby” he groans out as he fucks you harder and rubs your clit. the friction being what made you fall off the edge, feeling your walls pulsate around his dick. 

carlos groans loudly as he also comes undone, his dick twitching inside you, coating your walls with his load. he collapses on you as he catches his breath. you hold onto him as you do the same feeling satisfied with your bedroom activities. 

“you did so good for me, cariño” he whispers as he presses kisses to your neck and jaw. you nod and hum as you gently rub his back 

“thanks for making me feel good” you whisper back as he sits up looking down at you covered in sweat, breastmilk and with a fucked out expression on your face. 

he chuckles as he gently picks you up to bring you to the bathroom to draw a bath for you. 

“let’s get you cleaned up, baby” he says as he lifts you to the bathroom. 

add yourself to the kinktober taglist!

[diemsomnians]

- You’re mine too, you know that right?

- Laurent I’ve been yours from the moment you kissed me.

artwork for All The King’s Horses by @rosyandraw

This fic has become my obsession since the first chapter was posted. I became so instantly attached to this version of Laurent and Damen that i would daydream about what’d happen to them as soon as i was done reading the last update, rejoicing in all their little steps of progress, going again through all the angsty moments in my mind just to suffer a bit more, and dreaming about the moment they would be able to call the other ‘mine’.

It is raw, emotional, vulnerable, real, incredibly painful, but oh so worth it. Even with all the difficulties Laurent and Damen have to face here you can never doubt the endless devotion, care and love they have for one another, and seeing the progress that they make both as a couple and as individuals is really touching. It is so wonderfully written, I cannot recommend it enough nor thank Holly enough for sharing it with us ❤️.

[lilghostiequinni]

Family = Familia

Main Masterlist Carlando Masterlist

Pairing: Wife!female reader x Lando Norris x Carlos Sainz

Warnings: Fluffy,

Summary: Family, Familia, it was all the same. The word met the same in every language. You found your family in that of two men and they had never made you more happy.

Requested: NO / yes

When you first met your husbands, you had met Lando first.

At first, you didn't want to pursue anything, having just gotten out of a serious good relationship that turned toxic and abusive to both you and your ex.

You did everything that you could to avoid Lando, but he doubled his efforts, that's when you met Carlos.

Then with the both of them pursuing you, it was four times as hard to avoid them.

You thought that they were just enjoying the chase because you wouldn't give in to them.

But then, one day, they both cornered you, and the three just talked.

You told them your concerns about the both of them pursuing you and about them only being interested in the chase.

They eased your concerns and said they both agreed they wouldn't make you choose and would be okay if you chose one or both of them.

They told you it wasn't just about the chase, that it was about you.

Afterward, you gave them a chance after a couple days; you couldn't deny your feelings for both of them, so you told them so.

It started in 2021, and before the end of 2022, you had been married to both of them.

They became your family.

Your own family had practically disowned you after you moved away to college, your dream college; they wanted you to stay behind and take care of your younger siblings rather than live your life.

They didn't even come to your wedding, at least your parents didn't, your siblings did, and your grandparents died, and your aunts and uncles wanted nothing to do with any argument between you and your parents.

So their families became yours.

Cisca and Reyes became not only your mothers-in-law but also treated you as if you were one of their own.

Same with Adam and Carlos Sr.

You were living the life you had always wanted, one with a loving family.

When you found out you were pregnant, you asked both of your husbands if you could design them a helmet, not telling them at first, wanting the helmet to be the surprise.

They originally thought you just wanted to design a helmet for fun.

You made sure they were separate when they opened their helmet bags to see the helmet.

Their respective social media teams had been in on the whole thing and recording their reactions.

Lando was the first to open his helmet; when he opened it, he froze and then turned so fast you would have thought he was in the car.

He got to you in less than thirty seconds, picked you up, and just held you, kissing you and asking if it was true.

When you said yes, you could see the tears in his eyes.

Then you went Carlos, and at first, seeing the helmet, he didn't freeze; he looked at you, then back at the helmet, then back to you, then back to the helmet, then registered what was going on, and then froze.

When he looked back at you again, you just nodded and he was there in three steps, holding you close and kissing you, saying how he was proud.

None of you three wanted to tell anyone else until you were sure that you wouldn't lose the baby.

Well, that turned into never telling anyone else during your whole pregnancy.

The social media teams agreed to not post the videos until you were ready for people to know.

During winter break, when the twins were born after Lando's win in Abu Dhabi, you told the media teams they could post the videos a week later after you told your families.

When you went to dinner with your family, your two husbands went out and said they were sorry that you weren't coming alone.

Everyone was confused as to why you weren't there, not understanding why Lando and Carlos would say that you weren't coming alone.

Then you walked through the door, with your twins.

Everyone was shocked that you kept the whole pregnancy a secret, given none of the three of you could keep one.

What was shocking to everyone when they saw your twins was that you could tell who their father was.

The elder twin was an exact copy of Lando, and the younger was an exact copy of Carlos.

Your family was growing; you couldn't have been happier.

Nothing else mattered to you, just your found familia.

A/N: First in the 100 Follower ship poll.

Tags: @poppyflower-22 @samantha-chicago @barcelonaloverf1life @tallrock35 @ellen3101 @llando4norris @mcmuppet @issi-loves-dannyric @1800-love-me @barcelonaloverf1life @scopeiguess @01rrdbull @taetae-armyyyyy @watermelonslut @hellothere9597

If you want to be removed from a tag list, let me know so I don't keep tagging you. If you are striked through, I don't know if you want to be tagged, but just let me know if you want me to continue or stop

[serveandchoke]

Everything has changed

Jannik Sinner x Reader

Synopsis: You're the girl next door, foreign, and out of place. But you meet the red-headed boy from the house next to yours and changes your life.

a/n: 2/3 fics :p im so soo sorry for making u guys wait, tourney has been unforgiving and it's hard balancing activities hahaaa but yeah after my tournament i got to go to madrid and see matches happen in real time so yeah.. but i kinda wished jannik was playing, i miss him. BUTTT we get to see him again in a few weeks and i cannot wait for that. alright enough oversharing hope u enjoy this fic!!!🤍🤍

It all started when you moved to Italy. You were just a kid, barely twelve, when your family decided to make the move from your home country to Jannik’s small hometown of San Candido. At the time, it felt like an impossible adjustment, a different world filled with strange customs, a new language, and people who all seemed so far ahead in their lives. But there was one constant that kept you grounded: Jannik Sinner.

He was thirteen, just a year older than you, but he made everything feel easier. He was quiet, a little reserved, yet incredibly kind. His smile was rare but always genuine, and it seemed like he always knew how to make you feel at ease, even in the most foreign of settings. He spoke in his thick Italian accent, which at first was hard for you to understand, but soon enough, you’d learned his words as if they were your own.

The two of you were inseparable. Every afternoon, after school, you'd both ride your bikes through the winding streets, exploring the beautiful town together, laughing over things that seemed silly to everyone else. It wasn’t long before you realized you had developed an undeniable bond with Jannik. The friendship blossomed naturally, and you never thought twice about it, he was just the boy you grew up with. The boy who always made you feel like you belonged.

By the time you were sixteen, something in Jannik changed. You could feel it before he even said it, before you even understood it fully. You’d noticed the subtle shifts in the way he looked at you, the way his hand would brush yours when you walked side by side, the way his smile became a little warmer every time he saw you. The small things that shouldn’t have meant anything, yet they did. But you were too caught up in your own world, high school, your family, your plans, to pay much attention to it.

“Hey, I’ve been thinking,” Jannik said one evening, the two of you sitting on a grassy hill overlooking the town. He was staring at the sunset, but you could see the tension in his jaw, his lips pressed together like he had something heavy on his mind.

“About what?” you asked, tilting your head slightly, trying to read him. You could tell something was different in the way he spoke. It wasn’t the usual carefree Jannik who would joke around and tease you.

“I’ve been thinking about tennis,” he said, his voice low, almost hesitant, like he wasn’t sure whether he should say it or not. “About how... I might want to take it seriously, go pro. You know, travel the world and all that.”

It wasn’t a surprise. He was already exceptional at tennis, the best player in town by far. You’d always known he had potential, but the weight of it hit you when he spoke those words aloud. He had always been so grounded, so humble about his talent, and now, you could see the pressure in his eyes.

"That’s... that’s really amazing, Jannik, you should go for it. I mean, whatever you feel like what works for you, you know?" you said, trying to sound as supportive as you could. But deep down, you couldn’t shake the feeling of unease. The thought of him leaving, leaving everything behind, was too much to process.

His eyes flicked to you, reading your expression, shaking his head. “I’m not sure if I’m ready to leave here, though,” he said quietly, as though he were confessing something. “I don’t want to leave you.”

The way he said that made your heart race. You opened your mouth to say something, but the words didn’t come. Instead, you just nodded, not trusting yourself to speak. The moment stretched on, both of you sitting there in the silence, but the air was different now, charged with something unspoken. Something you didn’t know how to name, and neither did he.

But the day came, and Jannik left for the big leagues. It wasn’t a grand goodbye, just a quiet one. You clung to him, as if it was the last because this was the last you'd be having this. Having him. "I'll miss you." You'd say, swallowing the tears back. "I'll miss you even more," He'd press a kiss to your temple, and you'd pretend it meant something to him. Because it did to you, and maybe, it meant something to him too.

You watched him go, as he stepped onto the plane to begin his journey. And you stayed behind, your world still in San Candido, your heart feeling the loss more than you ever expected.

Years passed. You focused on your studies, diving into your work, pushing through medical school. You had dreams of becoming a doctor, helping athletes, but every now and then, Jannik’s face would flash in your mind. It wasn’t often, but it was enough for you to realize that part of you still held onto him, even from afar. You followed his career, of course. Everyone did. He became one of the best players in the world, and with every victory, you felt a mixture of pride and ache. He had become everything you had always known he could be. And as much as you tried to ignore it, you couldn’t deny that you missed him.

By the time you were twenty-four, you had finished your medical degree and started working as a sports doctor, focusing on athletes. The job was demanding, but it was everything you had ever wanted. And yet, no matter how busy you were, the thought of Jannik lingered at the edges of your thoughts. You had moved on, in a sense, built your life around your goals and your work. But Jannik’s absence, the loss of that connection, still weighed on you.

Then, one day, it happened.

You were working at the clinic, reviewing a new athlete’s file when you heard the familiar voice. At first, you thought you were imagining it. But when you looked up, there he was. Jannik Sinner, standing in the doorway of your office, wearing that familiar smile that sent a warm rush of nostalgia through your veins.

It took a moment for your brain to process it all. He had grown taller, his body more defined, his face sharper. But his eyes, those deep blue eyes, were still the same. They were the same eyes that had watched you grow up, the same eyes that held secrets in them when you were younger, when you were both too scared to admit what you had.

“Jannik?” You blinked, unsure if you were dreaming.

He chuckled, a low, familiar sound. “It’s really you. I wasn’t sure if you’d be here.”

The warmth in his voice made your heart flutter. You hadn’t realized how much you had missed it, missed him, until now. “What are you doing here?” you asked, standing up from behind your desk, suddenly feeling self-conscious in front of him.

“I’m here for a check-up,” he said with a shrug, as though it was no big deal. “You’re working as a doctor for athletes now, no?”

You nodded, trying to steady your breath. “Yeah, I’m actually the team doctor for some of the tennis players now.” You gestured to the seat across from you. “You can take a seat.”

Jannik did, sitting casually across from you, his posture relaxed as always. But even now, you noticed the subtle tension in his jaw, the way his eyes searched your face, like he was trying to figure something out. Something important.

“How’s everything?” you asked, trying to sound casual, but you couldn’t help the flutter in your chest. He was here. After all these years, he was here.

He smiled, and for a second, you swore you saw a flicker of something more than just friendship in his eyes. “It’s good. You look good, too. You’ve really grown up.”

You laughed softly, nervously. “Well, I did go to med school, so... there’s that.”

The conversation shifted easily from there, but beneath the surface, something had changed. You both had changed. Jannik, the young boy who had once been your best friend, had become a man. A man you couldn’t deny you still had feelings for. And as you talked about everything that had happened since you last saw each other, you realized something. Something that had been building for years. This wasn’t just a reunion. This was fate pulling you back together, as if it was always meant to be.

As Jannik stood to leave, he turned to you with a look that was both familiar and new. “It was good seeing you again,” he said, his smile lingering a little longer than necessary. “Maybe... we can catch up more? Off the clock?”

Your heart raced as you nodded, not trusting yourself to speak. But you didn’t need to. His smile said everything.

And just like that, everything had changed.

[snakesinsocks2005]

A redraw of some fanart i made for @disfordevineaux 's fic A Simple Mission

[piinfeathers]

the scars we bare ch2

aaaaand here's part two. if you saw me promise this would be done on tuesday no you didn't <333 thank you to everyone who took the time to read this. it nearly killed me and i loved it

summary: emma swan came to the underworld with one purpose; to rescue the man she loved from hades' grip. and she would do anything, sacrifice everything in order to that happen. when hades offers her a deal, a test of their true love, she takes it. in the end though, the bargain might just take more for them than they have to give. S5B canon divergence

tw: minor moments of gore and torture, also brief mentions of abuse

✨ ch1 | Ao3 link ✨

Hades hadn’t lied about starting from the beginning. The memories they witnessed were, quite literally, some of the earliest moments of their lives. From infancy to childhood, the memories seemed to blur together. At times they watched together, both occupying the same head, witnessing old, long forgotten moments. Other times they were separated, both of them lost in the long, endless tunnel of sound and noise that led to yet another moment in time.

As the memories blurred together, one into the next, it occurred to Killian how similar their childhoods were. Aside from the time and setting, they could almost be confused for the same, miserable adolescence. The same empty bellies, the same too-cold nights, the same edgy fear of the too-large hands that reached out to slap or to hit. And sometimes, in the worst memories, the hands that would reach out and grab. The hands that would pet and coax, almost comforting. But even in the minds of the young children they knew not to trust them. So they ran. And when they couldn’t run, they fought. They bit and screamed and clawed until the large hands learned not to touch so easily.

Through it all, one key difference made itself apparent. The loneliness. Killian had felt small as a child, had felt fear and isolation, but never truly lonely, not when he had Liam. Liam who fought for him, who protected him, who held him through the worst of it. Emma had no one. She floated through her hopeless childhood completely and totally alone. 

At times people would drift in, foster parents who promised to love her, friends who tried to get closer. But in the end, they left. They always left.

Memories of Ingrid and Lily seemed to blur together. The bright hopeful spark that this person, this bond, would be different. That they would choose her and mean it. And when their betrayals hit her, blindsided her defenses, it hardened her. She built walls around her heart so high no one would ever scale them again. Killian ached for her. 

Through the bond he felt her, felt her presence, and tried to reach for her. He felt her hesitation, and imagined himself wrapping his arms around her. The feeling of her stilled, then softened, curling into him.

He’d spent nearly three centuries alone like that. It ate at a person. He couldn’t imagine a life that had known only that aching, hollow loneliness from the very beginning. 

Eventually the memories slowed. They became mundane and repetitive. It felt as if they were watching days pass just for the sake of wasting time. Hades was toying with them, drawing out the memory spell to keep them there longer. Killian pushed against it. 

That’s enough, he thought loudly inside his head. Do you hear me hades? I said that’s enough.

The memories broke apart, dropping them back into the middlemist field. Killian staggered, glaring at the god lounging in the chair. He had a drink now, a bright blue cocktail with a miniature umbrella sticking out from it. He toasted them with it and grinned.

“Enjoying the show?”

“You’ve made your point,” Killian snapped. “We don't need to drag this out.”

Hades' eyes grew sharp, focusing on something behind Killian. “Oh I don't know about that,” he said quietly.

Killian turned and stopped. Emma swayed behind him, her eyes unfocused, her face white. He rushed to her, his hand moving to her face, his hooked arm snaking around her when she faltered and nearly fell. 

“Emma! Emma, look at me.” 

Refusing to take his eyes off her, he snarled back at Hades. “What the hell did you do to her?”

“Just following the rules of our deal. Isn’t that right Emma?” 

Emma groaned, trying to push herself free from Killian's hold, but his arms didn’t move. 

“Killian, it’s ok,” she said with a croak in her voice. “I just need a minute.”

“What is he talking about? What does he mean ‘the rules of your deal?’”

Emma took a long shuddering breath and pulled herself upright, standing taller. Some colour returned to her cheeks and Killian cautiously let his grip on her relax. 

“He told me that in order for him to trust me, to make sure that I would see this through and mean it, I'd have to put some of my magic into it.”

Killian felt dawning horror bleed from his chest and into his lungs. 

“What does that mean?” he asked quietly.

She looked at him. “The memory spell he's using, it’s mine. I’m the one who cast it.”

There was a ringing in Killian’s ears, a shrill, staticky whine that made the world fade away for a moment. Her magic. They were standing inside her spell. He tried to think of how much power a spell of this size would take to keep going, and couldn’t conceive of it. Every moment that passed, ever second they stayed there, she was expending magic at an alarming rate. He could see it now, from the way her hands shook to how her skin looked thin enough to see through. It was devouring her. The magic was drinking her dry, hungry and unstoppable. 

Hades let out a gleeful giggle and clapped his hands. “And there it is! I was wondering when you’d tell him.” 

Killian heard the god of death move, and turned to watch him as he strutted closer. “A bit different when you’re not the dark one hmm? You’ll notice the magic hits just a liiiittle bit harder using light magic instead of all that infinite dark one mojo.”

“Go to hell,” Emma muttered, glancing back at Killian. “I'm ok. I swear I'm ok.”

“Were you ever going to tell me?” he asked, not quite able to keep the betrayal from his voice.

She looked at him for a long, heartbreaking moment. Something tragic flashed in her gaze, there and gone in seconds. “Would you have agreed if you knew?”

“No,” he said reflexively. The truth. He wouldn’t have. “But that was my choice to make Emma.”

She nodded “I know.” 

"Can you end it? Call off the magic?"

Her head shook. "Not while I'm under the sleeping curse. As long as I'm asleep the magic keeps going until this is over."

Her words struck him in the chest, robbing the air from his lungs. Of course. This had been Hades' plan all along. To force her to burn herself out. The cruelty of reliving memories was just a bonus.

“Why?” he asked, “just tell me why.”

She frowned, looking up at him. “I wouldn't leave you here. I can't.” 

She was going to kill herself for him. He knew it even before she answered. She’d die down here and he didn’t know how to stop her. 

“You have to go back Emma. You need to figure out a way to call off this spell and you have to go home.”

“I can do this. Killian please-” her voice broke and Killian felt his resolve crumble. “Do you trust me?” she asked after a moment

He smiled even as his heart split in half. “With my life.”

Her answering smile could have lit the entire night sky. “Ok then. See this through with me. We can do this. Together.” 

He wanted to say no. He needed to make her see. Did she even know? Couldn't she feel how much this spell was taking from her? But when she looked at him, when her chin raised and a light started to ignite behind her steady gaze, he knew he couldn’t stop her. Not yet, not now. But soon. Somehow, he would figure out a way to save her from herself.

As if caught in her current, he nodded at her mutely, and another door sprang into being beside them, swinging open and inviting them in. She took his hand again.

“It’ll be ok,” she said, a promise he knew she couldn’t keep. 

When she stepped through he followed her, powerless to do anything but let himself fall down after her.

***

Emma was tired. And pissed. And sore. And so filled with guilt it nearly choked the life out of her. She’d lied to him. Again. He probably wouldn’t forgive her this time. 

She’d live with it. Somehow, even if he walked away from her after this, if she managed to save him? It would be worth it.

They were falling again, she was holding his hand as the magic flowed around them. What he said earlier stuck with her. Hades was playing them. He wanted to drain her and let her die inside the sleeping curse. She realized that much. She needed to figure out a way to move this along. They needed a way out, and fast.

She tried to think, tried to feel for the edges of the magic. It was her spell damn it. If anyone knew a way out it would be her. But how-

She was thrown, full force into another memory before she had a chance to finish her thought.

In this one, Killian was back on the Jolly, in the captain’s quarters. A man with dark blonde curls stood behind the desk, his grin infectious. Emma felt the rush of love and relief at the sight of the man’s face. Liam. This must be Liam. She should’ve known from the smile. It was almost a twin to Killian’s.

“What now brother?” Killian asked.

“We reveal our king’s cowardice,” Liam announced, marching around the desk, grabbing his jacket.

Emma felt Killian's trust, his complete and total belief in his brother’s ability, and her heart hurt horribly. 

They kept talking, making plans and speaking about the future. Overhead someone called to brace for landing and the ship shook beneath their feet. They grinned at each other and Killian moved to the window, glancing out at the waves, a sense of new found purpose lighting inside him. They were going to expose the king, become heroes. No one else had to die because of his treachery.

“What do you say Liam? Want some company when you report to the admiralty?” Killian grinned as he turned to Liam. Liam who was doubled over in pain. Liam whose face was turning ashen and grey. 

Killian ran to him, grabbing for his brother, trying to pull him up. “No! Liam! Liam please!” he was begging, pleading to anyone who would listen for help

In his arms Liam gurgled, thin veins of inky black creeping across his face like curling spider limbs. Emma held on as Killian’s panic and grief crashed into her all at once, watching the life drain from his brother’s face. Killian’s voice sounded so tragically young when he begged for help, it nearly pulled her under. 

How could one person bear it? she thought again. All this loss. How did he keep moving forward, carrying it all?

She wondered how much more there would be. Who else had he lost? What else had he sacrificed and bartered away? How much more would Hades force her to witness?

None of this was new to her. None of these memories revealed “the man Killian Jones really was.” She already knew damn well who he was, and her heart broke for him. For who he had been and who he was now.

She was done. This was over. This pointless test was ending. Now.

She flared out her power in her mind. She could feel the borders of the spell that trapped them, felt the solid walls of it. She imagined herself reaching out both hands and pushed. Hard.

She felt the bars of her cage start to give and pushed again, harder this time, imagining herself balling her hands into fists and slamming them against the wall again and again. Cracks started to form. The memory she was in faded away, Liam's body and Killian's mind floating back into the past where they belonged. Here, in the present, Emma Swan wrapped herself in her power like armour and pictured the face of the man she loved. 

And punched her fist straight through the spell, shattering it.

***

Killian let the memory pull him where it wanted. He hoped it would be over quickly. He still needed to figure out a way to save Emma from herself. The answer, of course, came to him almost instantly. There was one way to show Emma the man he was. The man he hid from her. He had to show her the truth of his past. She would be horrified, she would leave and it would break whatever was left of the heart she had put back together. But she would be safe. She would go back to her life and she would love again. She would move on.

The thought of it. Of Emma Swan moving on without him, of her loving someone new almost destroyed him. But he knew deep in his bones that he would tear himself apart for her happiness. He had done it before and would do it again.

The memory formed around him as his decision was made. He glanced around. Emma stood alone in a dark back alley. Nervous excitement, and youthful joy crowded her mind. She was happy, so dizzyingly happy it made her head spin.

She was looking at a gold wrist watch, two sizes too big on her wrist and frowned, nerves started to edge their way into her excitement. She reached into her pocket and grabbed her phone. Baelfire- No, Neal’s face, filled her mind. He was late. He was supposed to be there and he was late.

She dialed the phone and held it to her ear, frowning when the automated voice told her the number had been disconnected. The hell? Had he forgotten to pay the damn phone bill again? 

“Damn right there’s an error,” she muttered, starting to dial again.

“Unless he set you up,” a loud voice called from behind her.

She turned and froze at the sight of the gun pointed at her. Icy, numb panic flooded through her, made her heart stop. When the cop told her to put her hands on her head she obeyed robotically, not understanding. Neal? Where was Neal? 

The cop was talking but Emma could barely hear him over the rush in her ears. He was full of shit, she was thinking. He didn’t have anything on her, and she told him as much.

“Possession of stolen goods,” he said, gesturing to the watch with the butt of his gun. “Your boy set you up.”

Emma could only stare. Neal . she thought. Just Neal , over and over. 

“He called in a tip, told us to take a look at the surveillance footage at the train station.” 

The words hit her like a physical blow. He’d betrayed her. She’d loved him, gave him everything she had, and he’d betrayed her. Cold, aching misery filled her head. Killian felt it, letting it wash over him. She was alone again and all he could do was watch.

When the cop turned her, snapped the cuffs of her wrists, a numb fury filled her, clouded her mind and settled deep in her bones until walls made of steel formed around her heart. Never again. She would never let herself believe in love. Love made you stupid. It used you up and softened you until you were helpless. Never again.

Killian let the memories move around him, too tired to fight them. So much hurt filled his head, both his and hers, like old scar tissue, hard and calloused. Had love ever come into her life without strings? Without hurt? The unfairness of it made his blood boil.

When the memory finally stilled, she was in a police station. The officer across from her asked her her age. In a quiet, barely there voice she answered; “Seventeen.”

“Got a kid your age,” the cop said flatly and Emma didn’t know how to respond.

Killian tried to focus on the memory, but everything felt blurry. Time seemed to move too fast and too slow all at once, sliding around him.

“Killian.” 

Inside Emma's mind, he froze. The memory around him came to a grinding halt, nothing moving.

“Killian, we need to go.” 

He turned, no longer in Emma's head, but in his own body, sitting inside her frozen memory. Emma, his Emma, stood in front of him, her hand extended.

“C’mon,” she said, “This way, we need to go before Hades finds us.”

He was on his feet, hand in hers and moving before he could ask any questions. She led him to a door with an exit sign above it and pushed through. Instead of the back street he’d been expecting, Granny’s dinner sat before him.

“Emma what-?"

“Just keep moving,” she snapped, breaking into a run.

They ran together through another door, this one leading them to Mary Margret and David’s loft. He tried to make sense of what he was seeing but Emma was pulling him forward still. They headed through another door into the cabin of the Jolly Roger. Then through another into their bed chambers from Camelot. She led him through door after door, all places he recognized, places they had shared together, until finally they crashed through back into the middlemist field.

It was exactly the same as the field they had started in, only it was night time now. They were dressed as they had been in Camelot, she in her white gown and him in his black coat.

She gasped when they came to a halt, stumbling and nearly falling. He caught her, cradling her head as he brought them both to the grass.

“Emma!” her eyes were closed, her breathing ragged. “Emma, what did you do?”

“Bought-” she took a shaking breath. “Bought us more time.”

She was still for a moment before opening her eyes. “You were right, Hades is toying with us and I'm tired of it.”

She moved to sit up and Killian saw her arms were trembling even as her shoulders straightened and her jaw set with determination.

“I’m done screwing around. We’re going to finish his stupid test, and then we’re going home.”

“Emma,” he dropped his forehead against hers. Cold sweat dampened her skin. “Emma, this has to end. You can’t keep going like this.”

He felt her nod. “Agreed. That’s why we’re only going to important memories, ones that-”

“No more bloody memories!” he bellowed, whipping his head up and gripping her shoulder. “This ends now. Call hades, call whoever. But tell them it’s over before you kill yourself.”

“No.” 

Her one word answer made his teeth grit, fear and anger nearly blinding him. “I won’t sit here and let you die for me Emma.”

She was still for a moment, studying him. “You’ve already died for me three times, Killian. I'm not stopping.”

He reared back as if she’d hit him. “So what? This is payback? Retribution? I die so you have to as well?”

“No!" the colour was back in her face now, her eyes alive and burning. “No this is me doing what I have to to save the man I love. And I will.”

He shook his head, raising to his feet. “No. Emma, no. I'm not worth this. I'm not worth losing your life over.”

She stood, the fine tremor in her limbs gone now, a halo of light magic behind her. “I’m the one who gets to decide that. Killian-” she broke off, then tried again. “Killian, I'm sorry I didn't tell you the whole truth. I should have and I'm sorry. But I am telling you now. I'm seeing this through. Because you’re worth it.”

“Enough!” his shout echoed across the field, shook the grass around their feet. “You want to see what kind of man you’re trying to save? The man you want to die for? Here.”

He thought of it, the worst things he had ever done, every unspeakable act he had ever committed and formed them into one solid, writhing mass in his mind. Inside the heart of the memory spell, the magic grabbed hold of him, greedily drinking in his shame. A door sprang into life between them. 

“Here, walk through here and see.”

She looked at him. One long, horrible silent moment passed as time held its breath. Then, she turned, opened the door and walked through.

***

There was no tunnel of light, no waiting, no falling. The memories started all at once. Killian with a sword in his hand, laughing, blood spraying on his face as he drove the blade through another man. Killian, with his hand wrapped around an insubordinate crew member's throat. The man was begging for mercy but Killian only squeezed tighter, his rage cold and unforgiving. Another man on his knees, pleading with Killian, telling him of the family who needed him, before Killian ran him through.

The memories felt sharp, pointed. They bit into her skin and tore at her, shredding her clothes and ripping her hair. All of it ruthless, unforgiving. At the heart of them, Killian stood with his heart completely black and hardened, a vicious grin on his face. The deadliest pirate of the seas. Revenge and blood and pain all muddied together in a blinding red haze around her.

He wore rings on his fingers, of the men he killed. He remembered all of their faces. In the darkness of his cabin he tortured himself with their memories. Of the feeling of ending their lives. He'd felt nothing while he did it, and yet in the quiet of his own mind he sliced himself open again and again at the sight of the rings. 

A bastard. A miserable, cruel bastard. He loved it. And he hated it. 

Emma sat in the corners of his mind and watched as the centuries moved in a blur. The heart inside Killian's chest turned hard as stone. Slowly, the killings grew less vicious. They became methodical. Practiced. 

Faces blurred past, cursing him, and he welcomed it. He was cursed.

Every part of him grew colder, harder, crueler. He no longer felt any sense of justice from the death around him. He felt nothing, only a bleak, yawning emptiness that he let fester and rot until there was nothing of him left. A living corpse that bayed to the sky for revenge. A man made of decay. 

***

In the field, cradling her body, Killian waited for Emma to awaken. When her eyes slowly fluttered, he braced himself, waiting for the hatred in her eyes, the revulsion. She blinked and stared up at him for a long moment. Then the most horrifically beautiful sight passed through her eyes; forgiveness.

“Killian,” she murmured, her hand reaching up to brush the hair from his eyes. “I’m so sorry.”

He found it hard to breathe. A lump had formed in his chest, growing hard and sharp. 

Emma pushed herself up and wrapped her arms around him. “It's ok,” she said, her voice barely a whisper.

He pulled away from her and just stared. “No. Emma no-you can’t-”

“Just shut up,” she said, her eyes closing as she rose to her feet. He followed her, his arms ready to catch her. She sounded so tired and it terrified him. 

“Was that it? Was that supposed to prove something to me?” her eyes opened and the green depths were so clear and understanding it completely shattered him. “It was a good try, pretty rough stuff. But Killian? Did you think I didn't know about your past?”

“I-”

“I know who you are. I know who you were then and I know who you are now.”

“Emma please, don’t do this.”

“I love you Killian. I love the man you are right now. And that’s the man I'm going to save.”

Laughter formed in his chest, rough and malformed, it thrust out of his throat in a harsh burst. 

“You can’t Emma, it’s too late, don’t you see that? Please. You need to let me go,” he looked down at the field of flowers beneath their feet then back up at her. In her white gown, lit by moonlight, she seemed to glow. “This is where it should have ended the first time love. Where it was always meant to end. Please just listen to me. You can’t stay here and die for me. I’m telling you now, I’m not worth your salvation. I’m not worth your life.”

She shook her head in short, frustrated jerks. “And I’m telling you, that you’re wrong.” Her hands lifted, framing his face. Hot, angry tears forming in her eyes, shining like burning stars. “I’m not offering you salvation Killian. You already earned that all on your own. I’m offering you a life, a home. With me.”

He smiled, trying to trace every line of her face, trying to memorize the curve of her cheek and the way her eyes lit with emerald flames. He wanted to burn her memory into his mind, how she looked at this exact moment, full of righteous purpose. His Swan.

“I know you love me Emma. And I know you feel you need to save me. But you can’t. Whatever misplaced guilt that’s keeping you here, please just forget about it. It’s alright,” his hand reached up to touch the ends of her hair, running the strands of them through his fingertips. “It will be alright.”

“Is that what you think?” she jerked free of his hold, took a step back. Whatever exhaustion had clouded her expression before was burned away, replaced with something hot and furious. “That I came all the way down here, let myself get cursed, put myself through all this, because I feel guilty?”

“Emma-”

“Well guess what? I do! I do feel guilty. I got you killed in Camelot and then I brought you back and cursed us all. And you know what? I'd do it again. I’d do this a hundred times over and then a hundred more times because when it comes to you Killian Jones? I'm selfish. Because. You. Are. Mine.”

She punctuated each word in short, clipped bursts that hit him like cannon fire to the chest.

“You’re mine,” she repeated, taking a step towards him, invading his space. “And I’m yours. And I'm not leaving you down here. I'm not leaving you with Hades. Because I love you. I love you so much and I'm bringing you home. We. Are going. Home.”

She was swaying, magic seemed to frame her like a halo. He couldn’t look away. “You told me, back in Storybrooke when I was the dark one, that it didn’t matter what I had done, that you still loved me. Well guess what? It's a two way street. Whatever you’ve done Killian? It doesn’t matter. I love you. I love you as the man you are now. The man who did those things and who still changed. They’re a part of you. And I love every single part.”

Her eyes were burning. He stared at them, transfixed. She had always been like golden sunlight to him. Now she was like a supernova, lighting him on fire. 

“We are going to get through this together. And then you’re going to kiss me, break this stupid sleeping curse, and we’re going to go home.” 

She sounded so certain, he didn’t know what to say. His mouth moved to speak, but nothing seemed to come out. What could he even say? That this wouldn’t work? That if he was right then this whole endeavor was doomed? That while they loved each other, it might not be true love?

“What?” she asked, searching his face. Slowly, a dawning look of realization came over her face. “You don’t think it will work. The kiss.”

“It isn’t just that, Emma-” he swallowed around a lump in throat. “Emma I love you, and I know you love me. But true love is the rarest magic there is. What if we’re wrong?”

��We’re not. I know it. I know what we have, I know it’s true love.”

Her confidence crashed over him like a wave. He wanted to drown in it. He wanted her belief, needed it so badly at that moment. But he just couldn’t.

“You still don’t believe me,” she said, studying him. “Ok then. Here. I’ll show you”

He saw her raise her hand, and dread filled him, knowing what she was about to do. Calling another door now would drain what was left of her magic and probably kill her.

“Emma don't! You can’t-”

Her hand flicked once, a surge of power snaking out like a ribbon of smoke, forming another door. She stood for a beat, then staggered. He cursed as he caught her, his arm circling her as her legs gave out and she fell into him. 

“There,” her voice was barely audible as she jerked her chin toward the newly formed door. “Let's go. You’ll see what I mean.”

Annoyance, terror, and misery surged through him all at once. Her face was too pale, her fingertips cold where they touched his arm. They didn’t have time for this. But as he looked into her face, saw the determination in her eyes even under half closed lids, he knew. There was only one way forward.

“When this is over,” he said carefully, bending down to pick her up even as she huffed a protest. “If by some miracle we make it out, you’re going to bed for two weeks. I'm locking the door and throwing the phones away. Understood?” 

She grumbled even as her head lolled against his chest. “If we get out of this, I'm sleeping for a month.” she muttered.

“Deal.”

Her face brightened with the ghost of a smile as the door opened and he carried her across.

***

The memories started so gently, inviting him now, rather than dragging him. Inside them, he could feel Emma beside him, her presence like a steady heartbeat, guiding him. He held onto her, felt her grip him back, and let them both fall into the past together. 

They were alone, in his cabin below the deck of the Jolly. He was stretched out beside her, asleep on the too small bunk. Through Emma’s eyes, he watched her reach out and brush the fringe of his hair away from his face. Love, a constant, drumming, beating force inside her heart, bloomed up and spilled over her. In the privacy of his room, where no one could see, she let the tears sneak into the corners of her eyes. She hadn’t known it could feel like this. That love could be simple sometimes, that it could be peaceful. Killian made loving him so easy that it had almost blindsided her a few weeks ago when she realized what she had been feeling. She loved him. Of course she loved him.

There were times it nearly overwhelmed her. Even thoughts of him were enough to have the feeling flood though her, washing her in the blinding glow of it. She hadn’t felt love like this, not once in her life. She’d thought she had, thought she knew everything love had to offer and decided it wasn’t worth the hassle. But god. For Killian? She would do anything, give anything for this feeling. She would have loved him for free. She didn’t know how not to.

In the memory, past-Killian’s eyes fluttered. He groaned something in his sleep, turning to her, reaching for her. He was always doing that. She wondered if he knew. She moved her head to rest it on his chest, felt the steady beat of his heart and grounded herself with it. And when she drifted off to sleep, she couldn’t help the smile that grew on her lips.

The memory blurred, winding around them. Killian felt helpless to stop it. They were at Granny’s, sitting together at a booth. He was making her laugh about something, his thumb tracing circles on her palm. The bright glow of her love for him was like a banking fire, strong and steady. When he turned to look at her, when she saw in his eyes the love he felt for her like an answer to her own, it took her breath away, the love inside her chest growing into an inferno. She knew he loved her. She could feel it in every moment he spent with her. Killian Jones loved her so much it practically shone out from him and bathed her in the warmth of it.

It scared her at times, being loved so strongly. She wasn’t sure anyone had ever loved her this much. She didn’t think anyone ever would again. 

More memories formed, all blurring over one another. They were in the car, Killian had brought her coffee and remembered to include extra sugar packets. She’d kissed him like they were teenagers making out in the backseat. Then they were at the station together, going through paperwork. Emma had shivered and Killian had thrown his coat over her shoulders without looking up, the act almost second nature to him. She thought her heart might have burst open in that moment.

Killian wanted to stay in these moments, wanted to live in them as long as he could. But they were moving him, gently guiding him, and he let himself be pulled along. 

They were on her bed in the loft. She was on top of him, dizzy, joyful relief making her giddy. He was alive. She had watched him die in another realm and here he was. Alive. 

She loved him so much at that moment and it nearly paralyzed her. She had almost lost him without telling him, almost lost her chance to say it out loud, to make it real. And the idea of that terrified her even more. She should say it, now while they were alone, while they had this time. In his eyes she could see he knew, he knew the words she wanted to say, could feel his anticipation. 

He loved her, but he hadn’t told her. He hadn’t needed to of course, she already knew. But still he had held off, waiting for her to make the first move. He knew her better than anyone else, and he knew she would run if he moved too fast. So he waited for her. He was waiting now.

The words were there, ready, waiting to come out. And she couldn’t say them. 

If she told him, it would become something else. It would be out there, in the open, for anyone else to see. In this moment, her love, this perfect, precious feeling, was only theirs. It belonged to only them. And she wanted to protect it, keep it safe. At least for a little while longer.

She would tell him. Soon. She would sit him down and tell him the words and make everything real. But for now? For now all she wanted to do was hold him. To feel the weight and the warmth of him beneath her. To sit in the feeling of his unspoken love for her, just a minute more.

Killian’s heart clenched, hard. Inside the frozen moment he felt Emma, his Emma, press a kiss to his face. Sorry, she thought, and he heard it inside his head. I’m sorry Killian. 

There was nothing for her to be sorry about. She loved him. He adored every bloody inch of her and in return? She loved him back so fiercely he was nearly blown down from the force of it. 

He tried to imagine himself holding her, pulling her close. Was there more? More quiet memories like this? Full of love and endless happiness? He thought he’d like to see them.

But slowly, the memories started to fade, the colours running, the sound quieting. All around them, the light dimmed, and the magic ended.

***

Emma, he thought. Emma. 

She had been right all along. It was true love. How could it not be? How could this feeling be anything less than true love? He woke in the field, his heart full, turning to reach out for her. 

She lay in the grass beside him, unmoving.

For one awful, terrible second, Killian could only stare. Her face was too white, the skin of her eyelids a pale purple, her lips blue. She wasn’t breathing.

“No.” The word came out as a whisper. “Emma no.”

He moved mechanically, his arms jerky, his breathing shallow. No she couldn’t be. He had just been with her, in the memory. She’d been alive and had kissed him, she was-

Her whispered words came to him, unbidden. I’m sorry Killian. What had she been apologizing for? 

“No.” He repeated the word. “No, no, NO, NO!”

He touched her cheek and nearly flinched back. Her skin was frozen. Terror built up in him in a frenzy, a dull whine building in his head. She couldn’t be. She couldn’t.

He pulled her to him, his movements gentle, like she might shatter in his hold. Her head lolled to the side, her arms heavy and dragging, a dead weight at her sides. Something primal beat through his veins, a screaming, gnawing terror that bordered on hysteria. She was not dead. They had not done all this, come this far, for her to die. 

He pressed his ear to her chest and nearly sobbed when he heard a heartbeat. It was sluggish, but it was there. 

“Emma please, you need to wake up.” He cupped her face, rubbing his thumb across the icy chill of her skin, trying to press some colour into it. “I need you to wake up. Please-” his last word broke on a strangled plea, tears filling his vision.

A crack of magic snaked through the air and a door exploded into life several feet away from him. Hades burst through, his face a mask of pure rage. 

“You little-” he hissed. He came to a halt at the edge of the field, his snarl freezing at the sight of Emma in Killian’s arms.

“Well now. Isn’t this something?” A cruel, vicious grin split his face. “This looks almost  familiar doesn’t it? Killian Jones, holding the body of the woman he couldn’t save.”

His words bounced off Killian, unheard. He was too deep inside his own churning panic. She was fading, every second they spent here, she was slipping away. There was only one thing left he could think to do.

“Emma,” he murmured, brushing the hair from her face. “If you can hear me, please. Come back to me.”

He cupped her face and lifted it gently. From behind him he heard Hades shout.

“NO! DON’T YOU DARE-”

Killian pressed his lips to Emma’s. 

And the world exploded.

***

Emma had seen true love magic before. She’d felt it herself when Henry had nearly died in her arms. The raw power of it had taken her breath away. But it was a different feeling altogether to be the one receiving it. To be kissed by her true love. It felt like coming home. It felt like love. It felt like everything. 

Every moment together, every lingering thought, every second she had loved and been loved by Killian Jones crystallized into one perfect, all consuming force of magic that flowed all at once into her body. It ran down her boneless arms, flowing into struggling lungs, and filled her with a warmth and a light so full and strong it felt like being lit from within. And when she started to wake, when the sleeping curse snapped apart and her eyes flew open, she swore she could taste rum and sea salt in the air.

Killian’s face floated in the space above her, his wide eyes shining as his mouth hung open in an expression Emma could only describe as awe.

“Told you,” she said with a smile, her tired eyes still half drooping. “True love’s kiss. Works every time.”

He let out a watery laugh, dropping his forehead to hers. “Aye that you did. Should have known you’d be right.”

She hummed a weary sound of pleasure, even as her exhausted body throbbed like a bad toothache. Her fingers moved up to thread their way through his hair. “Wanna see if we can do it again?”

His breath fanned across her cheek as he huffed out a laugh. “May have delay that love. First,” he glanced up. “I believe we should figure out where exactly we are.” 

Emma frowned as things slowly started to come back into focus. White, glowing light seemed to surround them from everywhere, and when she tried to slowly pull herself up, the floor beneath her felt smooth and warm to the touch. 

“Your guess is as good as mine,” she said as she looked around. It almost resembled a hallway. The widest and most expensive hallway she’d ever been in. It had golden marble floors and walls, and impossibly tall, carved column pillars that held up a domed ceiling. It rose so high above them that they had to crane their heads all the way back to see it.

“Another memory?” she asked him.

“Not one of mine.”

“Well it’s not mine, I think I would’ve remembered this place.” she said, trying to squint up at the airy, arched ceiling.

“If you’re both done laying around,” a voice called from behind them. “The way out is over there.”

Emma nearly jumped as Killian's arms tightened around her, both of them quickly turning to look at the woman seated at the far end of the hall who hadn’t been there a moment ago. She sat, half sprawled on a stone bench draped with spotted furs, a massive bow between her bent knees that she was trying to restring. Her copper skin seemed to glow faintly as she pulled the string taught and glanced up at them, clearly annoyed. Emma tried not to tense when she noticed the intense yellow of her eyes, or the way her pupil seemed to lock onto them like a hawk. 

“Well?” she asked again, jerking her chin towards the other end of the hall. “Go on, you can’t stay here forever.”

“Ah, where exactly?” Emma stuttered as Killian helped her to her feet.

The strange woman with the bird eyes waved her hand, dismissing them. “Just ask one of the others, I'm busy here.”

“One of the others…?” Killian murmured, trailing off as they both turned. 

Dozens of bodies suddenly moved around them, all of them with deep skin that held the same faint glow as the woman, and all draped in loose, airy fabrics cinched at the waists. Some slowed to stare at them, their smiles warm but puzzled. Others ignored them completely, pushing past with somewhere else to be.

“So I guess we just,” Emma gestured forward. “Find the exit.” 

“It would appear that way,” Killian said with a frown as his hand found hers, pulling her closer.

“Are they..? I mean do you think we’re in-?”

“I don't think it would be wise to ask that question,” Killian said in a hushed tone, keeping his eyes lowered. “I have a distinct impression that we aren't allowed to stay here very long.”

Emma tried not to stare as they moved past the impossibly beautiful masses, even when she felt the force of their power brushing against her senses. The sudden, overwhelming urge to not draw attention to themselves, took over her, and she tried to shrink. 

“Up there,” she whispered to Killian as she pointed to a spot where the hallway opened up and forked off in two different directions. “Let’s just pick one and hope the way out is somewhere along there.”

He nodded, gripping her hand tighter. As they got closer, they veered left, away from the crowd of people, and down another hallway. This was once smaller than the first, and quieter, but still managed to tower over them. 

“If we get lost here…” Emma said after a moment.

“Let’s hope very hard it doesn’t come to that.” Killian said tightly, pulling her through an arched passageway. “I imagine this isn’t a place they allow you to overstay your welcome.”

They moved into a massive room, the floor curving down towards an enormous raised platform that held a throne made of pulsing, molten gold. On it, a bearded man, nearly three times their size, towered over them. His fingers drummed against the arms of the chair, sending sparks of lightning shooting and dissipating into the air.

“Welcome heroes,” he said, his voice echoing and deep. “I was wondering when you would arrive.”

Killian and Emma stood frozen, awestruck. His eyes were a burning gold and so bright they felt hot on her face. Emma's own eyes watered with the effort of looking directly at them. He smiled at them, his teeth blinding white against the dark bronze of his glowing skin. 

“You have faced your trial with great bravery I see.”

“I-ah thank you. We appreciate that,” she murmured, at a loss for what else to say. “Are you-? I mean is this-?”

He leaned forward, his attention on them scalding, like the heat of the sun beating down on them. Emma nearly felt herself take a step back, but stopped when Killian’s arm curved around her waist, holding her up.

“What Emma means is,” Killian glanced at her, his smile tight, his eyes slightly too wide. “What might we call you?”

The man reached a massive hand up, his fingers stroking the thick, dark curls around his chin. “I have many names, given to me by many people. Although, I believe the one you may know me as, is Zeus.”

“Oh.” Emma said in a whisper, unable to stop herself. Zeus. Of course. He was certainly… bigger than the other gods they’d seen.

“I’ve been watching you two as you embarked on my brother’s trials. That was quite the clever loophole to his test, little Swan,” he said, inclining his head towards her.

“Your brother?” she blinked, glancing at the crackling electricity arcing across his knuckles, then back at his sun lit face. “I can uh- see the resemblance.”

His laughter was a boom of sound that made Emma’s ears ring.

“Hades spends too long below ground,” Zeus said. “I keep telling him he should get out more, put some life back into his cheeks.”

Emma smiled and nodded, suddenly wondering if she was still caught in the dream realm. Was this really happening? Was she making small talk with the king of the literal gods? Beside her, she could feel how tense Killian stood, every line of his body pulled tight.

“You look distressed Killan Jones,” Zeus said. “I would think meeting a god would not affect you so, having met two of my brothers so far.”

Two? When the hell had he met another one? If they made it out of this without being melted into puddles, she would have to ask him about that.

“It’s not that,” Killian said, his voice deceptively calm, a charming smile on his face. “I just worry about overstaying our welcome here, as honoured as we are to be here.”

Zeus leaned back on his throne. He was enjoying this. For the time being at least. 

“You two have fought well today. True heroes, both of you are welcome in my halls.”

“Thank you, that is a great honour indeed,” Killian said, his voice growing slightly sharp. 

Emma could feel panic start to rise in her. They could stay here forever if they weren’t careful, talking in circles with a god who seemed in no hurry to let them leave.

“Is that why we’re here? Because we passed the trial?” she looked at Killian, held his gaze. “Did we win?”

“Well that depends,” Zeus said, his voice like heavy stones rolling down a mountain.

“Depends on what?” she asked cautiously, her tone holding none of the tremors she felt in her limbs.

“Depends on you, hero born of love and magic. Do you believe you have passed the trial? Do you believe you know now what kind of man Killian Jones really is?” 

Emma felt like time held its breath. This was it. This was the sort of thing they wrote legends about wasn’t it? Trials set by the literal gods to test heroes? Everything that happened now rested on her shoulders. No pressure. 

“Like I already told Hades earlier, there wasn’t any need for a test,” she said after a beat. “I already know what kind of man he is. And I was right.”

She turned to look at him and saw he was already facing her, his face filled with love and awe at the sight of her. “Well it’s true,” she said, low enough that only he could hear.

Zeus's laugh was booming. Emma tried not to wince as her ears throbbed. She glanced back at the king of the gods, her eyes going about as high as they dared without looking directly into his molten stare, and landing somewhere on his chin.

“WELL SPOKEN LITTLE SWAN!”

Emma swore her knees almost buckled beneath his praise, but still managed to nod her thanks

“I bear witness to you both. Emma Swan;” his enormous hand swept towards her. “Saviour of magic and of her people. And you Killian Jones; Hero of the Saviour.”

Emma thought she heard all the air shoot out of Killian at once, the title landing squarely on his shoulders and nearly taking him out at the knees. She gave his hand a reassuring pat. It was a good name. She would remember that.

“Thank you Zeus,” she said finally, nodding her head to him. “We’re ah- We’re both honoured.” 

Killian stood still beside her, and she turned to look at him. As if drawn by her attention, he turned away from the king of gods, and leaned into her. His arms rose, circling her waist, pulling her closer. 

“I will tell my brother the trial is over; you’ve both passed.” Emma could hear the grin in his voice. “I’m sure Hades will be most pleased.”

Emma doubted that. She just hoped they were both far the hell away when he heard the news. 

“Are we…I mean. Are we free to go?” she looked up at him, trying not to squint as she met his stare, even when tears started to form in her eyes. “Can we go home now?”

Zeus smiled and it was like watching the sun rising between mountain peaks, the light of it so brilliant and overpowering it left spots in her vision. 

“Of course,” he murmured. Behind him, a passageway opened, forming between the towering columns. White, brilliant light spilled from it, as warm and welcoming as a homecoming. “You have my blessing. Well met heroes.”

They both nodded, moving towards the door with the warmth of his stare on their backs. When they walked to the passage, hands held, Killian turned to her, his face shining. “You did it Swan.”

She gripped him, pulling him to her. “We did it. Now,” she smiled, a heavy mass buried deep in her chest finally releasing its grip on her and falling away.  “Let’s go home.” 

As they stepped into the light together and the magic curled around them, their heads tilted together, their lips meeting. A bright light, shining and radiant, erupted from inside them. The power of it shimmered, colour and magic spiraling together like jeweled starlight, holding a world of promise and the faint scent of middlemist blooms.

[frozenwolftemplar]

Writer's Month Day 6: Surf

Fandom: Carmen Sandiego

Rating: G

Summary: In my Day 5 entry I mentioned Gray teaching Carmen/Black Sheep how to body surf. Basically, this is that.

+++

“Okay, here comes a good one!”

Gray grinned down at Black Sheep as he looked over his shoulder. “You ready?”

“Oh yeah!” Black Sheep returned his grin with her own do-or-die one, digging her toes into the sand so she didn’t start bouncing excitedly on the balls of her feet (conducive to absolutely nothing except looking like a kid, which she officially wasn’t since enrolling a couple months ago).

“Alright,” Gray turned back around to face the beach, leaning forward like a runner about to start a race. Black Sheep copied his stance. “Remember what we’ve practiced?”

“Yup!” She faced the beach, steel in her eyes as she mentally ran down the list of steps Gray and her had been practicing for the last couple hours. Arms out in front, body rigid, feet pointed, head down. “Ready.”

“Good, cause here it comes…”

The current around Black Sheep's waist started to pick up, the water rushing faster as the building roar of a wave prowled up behind her like a wild thing readying to pounce.

“GO!”

At Gray’s starting whistle of a shout, Black Sheep pushed off the sandy floor. She snapped her body stiff, putting all Cleo’s lessons on posture and poise to use as her spine went ramrod and her feet followed suit, toes in those ever-perfect points a lady was supposed to have mastered. Carefully, she maneuvered one arm behind like some Superman characters she was apparently supposed to know about (like heck she was going to ask and look ignorant), using it to steer, just like Gray had shown her back on the sand and in the shallower, calmer, tamer waves closer to shore.

The beast of a wave surged around her, foam ruffling through her hair, and a thrill coursed through her veins as she felt its power swell beneath her, rising, arcing, cresting-

If it weren’t for the foam rushing around Black Sheep's face, she’d be laughing her triumph out for all the Island to hear.

Because the wave was no longer a wild beast rushing behind, seeking to subdue the meek sheep that was its prey; the tide had turned and now she was its master, riding it like it was a docile thing whose sole existence was to heed her command. A precursor of sort of things to come, for this, she just knew, was what the world would become once she graduated and stepped with head high into the glorious, adventurous, unmatched life of a professional thief, herself the undisputed exemplar of that elite breed.

“Right on, Black Sheep!” Gray’s voice came from somewhere next to her, and she could just make out, under the roaring wave, the cheers of Antonio and Jean-Paul from the shore, evidentially having taken pause in the former burying the latter to celebrate her victory over nature. She grinned into the foam, on top of the world.

But the wave was still The Wave, and even the most docile, tractable mount may buck its rider. Gaining speed as it rushed towards the beach, the water tugged, heedless of her Superman arms on its reins, jerking her sharply to the right.

“Pull back, Black Sheep!" Gray shouted, a note of panic in his voice. "Pull back!”

She thrust her shoulder back, trying to break out behind the wave and free herself from its headlong charge towards land, but, well, she hadn’t quite gotten the hang of that part yet. She was a prisoner of The Wave, helpless to break away to save herself, so when it, in the throes of a vicious rampage, plunged towards the sand-

“WOAH!”

"AAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!”

*CRASH!*

-it left behind a scene that set the grains of sand laughing riotously as it, with feigned innocence, retreated: one dripping and disheveled Black Sheep, lying dazedly atop one newly-soaked Sheena, face rapidly turning red from something other than the sun.

“You okay, Black Sheep?” Gray asked, jogging out of the water, eyes concerned but with the beginnings of a grin waiting at the corners of his lips.

“HER?!?” Sheena fumed, extricating herself from the thumbs-upping tangle of immature. “She nearly cracked my ribs!!!” (ooh, that little punk was probably conspiring to get her benched until after exams, that’s probably what).

“Well, I mean,” Gray shrugged helplessly, the grin wending itself across its face, having been given license by way of Black Sheep’s own laughing one. “I *did* warn you that sunbathing was dangerous.” (never mind he was thinking of sunburns rather than flying sheep, but, well, danger was danger, right?)

“OOH!”  With that, the picture of indignance that was Sheena, proving that excess sun was not necessary in the slightest to turn her red as Hell, snatched up her useless towel and stomped back up the beach towards the tree line, kicking an irate sand spray towards the helplessly guffawing Antonio and Jean-Paul, both of whom were unaffected by the cutting remark that joined it.

“Crikey!” Gray gasped out presently, straightening up from where he’d been doubled over at Sheena’s exit. “That was some wipe out! Got Sheena awfully steamed.”

“Eh,” Black Sheep waved a dismissive hand in Sheena’s direction, sultry air simmering hotter in her wake, and cocked a grin. “That close to the water? She was asking for it.” (and she was, so she was blameless here).

“Not bad surfing either.” Gray winked, holding up a hand for a hive-five Black Sheep eagerly granted. “Want to go again?”

Seriously?

Black Sheep tossed him a smirk over her shoulder, a shove in his ribs for the stupidly obvious question, and sprinted towards the breakers, laughing as he raced to catch up to her. As if he had to ask. Because body surfing that wave, she’d felt on top of the world, and she couldn’t wait to feel that again!

****************🌊****************

Light burned through Carmen’s eyelids, causing her to stir and wake with a groan. The worn springs of the motel bed creaked their objections to early risers, and she looked dully around the room, the sun-drenched beach melting into the faded wallpaper and a tired-looking wardrobe and the drone of the air conditioner swallowing the echos of the pounding surf, her laughter as she rode the wave, and Gray’s beside her.

Only the salt spray on her cheeks remained.

[cowboyschumi]

ANGEL

Summary: Who was Max Verstappen when the cameras were off? A mystery to everyone but a reality for you. A four-time champion is more than just a mentality, and luckily, you went through all those layers to finally reach who he really is.

Author's note: First time writing for Max, so bear with me as I try to portray a realistic personality for him! Flashbacks are aligned differently for clarity and easier reading. As is typical of me, there's a song inspiration for every fic. Not my finest work. English is not my first language sorry for any typos.

Warning: Slight mentions of cursing, mental health, drinking; jealousy and intercourse.

————————————————————————

COWBOYSCHUMI | 2025 All rights reserved. Do not copy, translate, or upload on other platforms.

————————————————————————

No one knew how on earth you pulled Max. Not because of his status or wealth, but because you somehow ended up dating the man who was the devil reincarnated on track.

The answer was simple and it was the number one rule in your relationship: what happens on the track stays on the track. No rage, no outbursts, no carrying emotions home. Managing feelings. Was it easy at first? Absolutely not.

"Breathe in, breathe out." Those stupid breathing exercises of yours, that’s what he used to call them. And now, they were one of his top habits, something he did every morning and before bed. He was a new man with you, no doubt about it. Max sat on the edge of the bed, the one permanently covered in cat hair, while you knelt behind him. Connected by body contact, by the rhythm of your synchronized heartbeats and breathing. Your torso pressed against his back, one arm wrapped over his shoulders, and your free hand resting gently on the center of his chest, rising and falling with each of his now-steady breaths.

Managing emotions wasn’t for everyone. You had to know when to react, how to handle things. Anyone else might have freaked out at Max’s outbursts, but not you.

He definitely wasn’t a verbal guy. Occasionally, he made exceptions, but his love language was acts of service and quality time—an action-based way of showing how grateful he was for your patience and love. Sometimes, he outdid himself, crossing the line into extravagance.

"I mean… they didn’t look that big in the photo, I swear." His thick Dutch accent always became more noticeable when he was nervous. That was an indoors thing though, because there was no way Max Verstappen would ever let nerves show in front of the press. But around you? He was a mess. He had bought you flowers. Not just a bouquet, a whole bed-sized arrangement, so massive it nearly swallowed the room. There was no reason behind it, no special occasion. Just a sudden, over-the-top surprise.

Sometimes, Max felt like he owed you something, or like too much time had passed since he last gave you a gift. And when that happened, he’d show up out of nowhere with the most ridiculous, oversized boxes imaginable.

There were nights when he fell asleep first, and you stayed awake, watching him—running your fingers through his still-damp shower hair—wondering how you even ended up by his side. If you hadn't taken the time to get to know him, you probably would have run away at first glance, judging by how awful his first impression was: a man who didn’t seem to care about much of anything.

But as time passed, you realized the two of you weren’t so different. It was the little things that brought you together—sharing the same interests, enjoying the same comforts. There was a quiet peace in the home you shared, despite the occasional chaos of his late-night gaming sessions. He napped with the cats while you baked, or you’d both sit in the living room—paddle tennis playing in the background—while you lost yourself in a book. Everything was perfectly balanced, respecting each other’s schedules and space without overstepping. That’s why spending all day together never felt suffocating. Living together, coexisting, wasn’t a burden the way it ended up being for so many other couples.

Cracking him open took months, maybe even a solid year. There were dates where he barely spoke, post-race weekends where he completely shut down, and times when he disappeared without a word. It took you a while to understand that every person, every emotion, is its own world. You couldn’t be behind him constantly, checking in like some obsessed detective. Everything had its time. He would open up when he was ready.

You certainly didn’t expect him to open up on a Monday at midnight, after winning a race.

"He drank—just a little bit," Daniel Ricciardo grinned widely, as always, helping you carry Max into his apartment. No shit, Sherlock. The younger driver could barely stand, stumbling over his own steps. After Daniel overexplained for the millionth time—without bothering to hide his amusement—that Max always drank this much at parties, you shoved him out through the front door. Oh, how you wished you could share his optimism. And there you were, alone with the drunken enemy. Though, not much of an enemy now, considering he was about to pass out in his party clothes, sprawled across the couch. Arms crossed, a jokingly disapproving look on your face, you stared at him from across the room. "Bet you even drank from the flower vases." "Don’t make me say a word, or I’ll throw up any second," He shot back, his usual sarcastic and sharp tone. The cameras knew him for this side of his personality. You were already used to it. Once again, you guided him to bed, making sure he lay on his back so the dizziness wouldn’t hit as hard. More than a few times, he complained that the ceiling was spinning. "Hold me," He murmured, not demanding, just needy. You stood frozen beside him, and he had to say it twice before you snapped out of your daze. His head rested on your lap now, the sound of the ceiling fan filling the quiet room with a soft hum. The dim, warm glow from the bedside lamp cast shadows on his face, highlighting the sheen of sweat from the party still dripping down his skin. Curled up beneath you, ready to sleep for the next eight hours, he hadn’t even registered that you hadn’t congratulated him yet. "I’m proud of you," You sighed, running your fingers along his back. His black shirt clung to his body, outlining the definition of his muscles. No response. You hadn’t expected one. That had always been your dynamic from the beginning—being present, caring, without expecting anything in return. How could you ask for love from someone who had never learned how to receive it? Someone who had never truly felt it? "Fuck you." His voice was muffled against your lap, trying to silence the quiet sobs that shook his body. Even now, you hadn’t figured out how to get him to swear less. You’d have to work on that.

It took him a long time to figure out sex, he barely knew the basics. To him, it had always been just a mechanical act, nothing more than pulling in and out. Aftercare wasn’t even in his vocabulary.

It felt like moving backward, but in the purest, sweetest way. Learning each other’s bodies from scratch, asking if every touch, every movement felt okay.

You gave sex meaning for him, the feeling of making love, rather than just bodies colliding.

"Do I have to dress up for that?" Max asked, tossing his shirt aside. He wasn’t joking about not wanting to wear a costume, he was genuinely concerned about the possibility. You brought the word foreplay into the conversation. Perplexed was an understatement. His reaction caught you off guard for a second, but then you laughed it off. Him not knowing? Actually hilarious. You hooked an arm around his neck, pulling him closer as you lay back on the bed. Keeping deep eye contact, without any warning at all, your hand trailed down—palming him through the fabric of his clothes. Slowly, deliberately, letting your touch explore every warm inch possible without actually giving him what he needed most. In an instant, his head nestled against the crook of your neck. His handling span was subtle, as if unaccustomed to your overwhelming attention. "It's about teasing each other just the right amount," You murmured. "Testing our limits playfully."

From an outsider’s perspective, anyone would assume he was a wreck in bed, and truthfully, he used to be. In fact, if you asked him to go back to his old ways—ruthless, relentless—he wouldn’t hesitate to leave you utterly wrecked within minutes. But that wasn’t his comfort zone anymore. You had taught him how to take care of you, how to slow down, and he had learned to like it. Now, he preferred to take his time, savoring every moment. After all, for him, you always came first—in every sense of the word. His top priority.

The building of a healthy relationship has a bit of everything—ups and downs. Sometimes, no matter how much effort you put into someone, their beliefs were stronger. Self-esteem is key to that—well, at least in Max's case. Being number one wasn’t just a state or a way of living; you had to believe you were the one first.

But in a world of multiple numbers, there’s always more than one number one

"Haven't you seen how he stared at you? He even looked twice." He had very expressive, almost cartoonish reactions. Brunch was set on a table outside— a tranquil midday scene, with just enough people around to create that typical background hum of chatter. Your favorite kind of day involved eating out, trying new restaurants, and pretending you were exigent food critics. It had become a sort of ritual—while it took you over an hour to get fully ready, he would just shower and throw on the same white shirt as any prior date. The dress code was formal, but the manners were anything but—immature, noisy laughter, and an endless string of inappropriate jokes.

Looks were tricky. You appeared composed and serious, but never judge a book by its cover. The same went for Max—rock-solid on the outside, with a slightly silly demeanor or playful banter for the media. You two brought out each other’s true selves because, with each other, you felt the safest being your realest.

The way you were with him: compassionate and soft, became the meaning of it all, the reason behind his persistence in calling you angel and reminding you that you were his angel. Sometimes, you could hardly bear his cliché explanation that you saved him, but in truth, you did—not from any external harm, but from himself. You had some sort of protection and halo over him.

“My sweet angel.” "Max Emilian." You protested, just like every other time he called you that. He sounded so careful with each syllable, as if he meant every word. It was him at his corniest, if you were being honest, taking your breath and words away with just a surname. Leaving you all giggly and flustered—that was exactly why you hated being called that so much. "I'm really touching heaven by having you by my side." The Dutch man whispered against your lips, wearing a full smile. He was only this happy with you and only you. The podium wasn't a factor in the happiness equation.

You changed his life for the better, so how could he not feel happy and blessed to call you his?

[stubblesandwich]

[ohmightydevviepuu]

fanbinding: the reason birds can fly

the story: the reason birds can fly by philthestone

genuinely i sometimes wonder if i am the only person who has read this little gem of a fic. canon-divergent post-s5 finale and an absolute delight of absurdity and ... reality from Henry Mills' POV as he heads to college after everything he has survived.

the binding: sewn boards paperback legal quarto. designed to look like an american school kid's composition notebook. took me ages to line up the notebook lines and then they didn't print that way so i had to trim it pretty much by hand using a guillotine. speckle design from stock imagery printed on sparkle HTV. modified spine with bookcloth, no backing, to give it that rounded feeling. in retrospect, i might have made a few different choices; if i ever print it again i might try black kraft paper with white sparkle HTV so the feeling of negative space is different. but this bind has been in progress over a year and i'm happy just to be holding it in my hand.

yes, the first page is on the wrong page. yes, i (mostly) did that on purpose. lol.

[naffeclipse]

Soooooo, Naff, seeing lots of awesome Monty art being shared by you... Any possibilities of a Monty fic? No pressure or anything! I love the celestial boys; just curious since I love the grumbly gator, too, and your works always make me excited/giddy. 🥰

I would keep an eye out this February 14th ❤️ You've got a marshy valentine!