#dead pooled..everywher

[localps5]

pandapooling maybe.. if you will

[yanderemontgomerygator]

[HEADCNANON/FANFICTON]

[hey guyg i bave bene working realy hard on this new gllamrock fredy x mitngkemry gator fanfiction for valentine day. so i am very excit to share wit yoy. i wil also be puting this fanficon in my colleg portfilio!!!! i am aplying to harvar an tufts and yale an UCLA for creativ writing and art an medical studie.s anywy pleas enjoy!!!]

headcnaon/fanficion: montgoneyr gator is yabfere for glamrock freddy and he finaly worked up thr courge to ask glamrok fredy put on a date. he acept, howeber, the liberal fredy fazbear doesn know that monthomery is secretly a republicn.

start

(glamrock frdy is soting alone at a tabl in th applebes restaruant. he has ben waiting for overt an our for his dante, monthoney gator. after anothr 10 minutes, motngomery gato finslly rushes to the tabl an sits down.)

monthoemry gator, sweatig: (pants, pant) hell glameock fredy sory i ma late.

glamrock fesdy: awww its okay sugar aple pumpkin!!... but wuy areb you late? an why ar you sweatig?

motngoemry gator: oh uhhhhh yeha babe i eas just stormig the capitol bui- i mean uhhhh dw babe i was runing in a marathn for cancr awarenes dong worry about it.

glamrick freddy: awwwww!!!

(monthomery gator was now siting in a pool of his on robot sweat. ther was sewat everywher. it was on the wals and door. his pant lookd like he peed alot but it ws actusly just his swsat. at firs glamrock fredy found thos to be treally gross and was considrung a brake up, but ince motngoenry gaote said that he wsd swesting for csncer awareness, it becam very romntic an sexy.)

gkamrick feddy: so motngokemry garor, what kind of cancer are you beig aware of?

motngoemry gator: oh. uhhhhhh

(motngoemry started sweating on top of al the othr sweatnng he had jsut done previosly. motngoenry was LYInG to fredy. he wa not runing for cance awarenss. he was runniijgn frokm the capoitol polices! because he had just stomred the united stats captial bulding yesterdat becau he is a repubkcan!!!!)

mitngoemry garor, sweating sgain: rhe boob one

glamrock fbreddy: ob man... i hate breadt cancer too. but i love brest :)

motngomery gator: omg same we hav so much in comon...

(but mitngoemry gator knew rhis wasnt true. they have NOTING in common... becau monthimery is a republicna.... and fredy.... js a democrat... motngoemry gato knew he colf nevrr tell fredy the truth, becau fredy would brake up with hi.)

glamrok fredy: maybee i could run for breas cancer with yoy some tjme??

motngoemry gator: (swaet, sweat) oh uhhhhh no fredy you pribably cant run becaus your a democrat an democrts are too britle and snowflake to do phsical activity.

glamro kfeddy: what

motngomerry gator: i mean uh i was jus joking i am also a libral i like AOC.

glameock frddy: omg same she is so stronk.. ☺️

motngomery gato: yis... stronkest.... ☺️

[montgoemry sighed an wiped the sweat of of his hforeead. that was a clos one.]

glameock feexy: so montogmery.... im realy glad you aske dme on a dat. :)

motngoemry gator: o h haha yeha bro..

glamrock fredy: i am curius thouh.. montogmery, we hav knoen eachothe for a lonf time, why did you not aks me out soornr???

motngimery gator: oh, well.... in trut... i am yandere for you, freyd...

glameock reedy: *gasp* y- you a- a- arg???? 😳

mongotmer gato: yis 😳 an i always thought you wer into glameock bonnie... so i was to scarred to ask...

glamrock frefy: aww motngomery... dont wory, i would never want to date glamrock BONNIR!

motngoemry gator: *relif* y- you wouldbt???

glamrock fresdy; of course not!!

montgomery gator: 😃

glameock fredy: gkameock bonie was a libertarian! i only dat democrat!!! :)

monthomery gator: 😟

glamrock fedy: and hlamrock bonie, he is dead now, so even jf i liked him, well...

montgomery gatoe: oh yes.. he died... fhat is so sadge... he wss so yong....

glamrock fedy: yes it is... But that rit there is why iv always ben atracted to uou! you ar clearly am empath! an you're so muscle, and strong... abd you shower... i can tel you're a democrat! :)

montgoemry gator: donald trump did alo for this country

glamrock fredy: whT?

monthomery gator: i said whre is the waiter im hngry

glamrock fedy: oh yis! WAITER!!!!!!!

(the aplebes waiter finaly came to their tebal. the 2 loked at the waiter only to se that it wa s rockstr chica!!!!)

rocksar chica: helov weklcome to aplebees i am your waiter!! how can i wait???

motngoemry gato: (sweatig again) r... rockstr chic????

(motngoemry gator was now in a bit of a nut becaus rockstr chicago was in motngomery's old politic club bakc when they were iijn highscol. motngoemry got kciked out because of how many LGBTQ leters he hated. rkstar chica knwos dam well that motngoemry gaotr id the most republican gatPTr ever... and she kneos that glamrock fedy is the 2nd most democrt bear ever.. the 1st on is the onr from clevelan show.... this canot be good.)

rrockstra chica: oh... it YOU!

motngoenry gator: Ruh rog.

glamrocj fredy: can i get a crunch wap surpem please

rockstra chifa: shit the fuck up cracker bear wy are yoy here with this sweaty men???

glamrock fredy: yohu mean motngiemry gato? how DAR you call hims sseaty!!! he is sweating for CANCER AWSRENESS!!!

rockste cjica: no. he isn not. he is sweatig from LOSIIJNG THE ELECTUION!

glamrovk dredy: what ar eyou talkikiijyn ABOUT?

dockstar fhica: dont you KNO???? bak in Animatornic Highscol, montgomery gattor was in politic club, and he was a REPUBICA-

[rockstar chica was itnerrupted by the sound of a liud police siren outsid of the aplebsss. the 3 loked out the window as many cop cars shoeed up.]

rocjstar chica: the POLICY???

glamrick freddy: guys ifs okay, they probably areunt here for us! we didn do anythig!

[but montgomery knew exactly why ht epolice were rhere.... because he DID do somehing... he sudenly had a flashback to when he had storme the capitol 1 hour earlyr....]

rockstar chica: what the cluck is goj g on???

montgoemry gator, shaking: ...fredy.... we hav to hide. now.

fglamrock frdyd: ...what? y????

motngoemry gator: i have something to tel you...

[montgomery grabed glamrock feedy's hand and ran into the applebes' kitchen and then into the walk in frezer. he closd the dor and locked it from the insid.]

glamrock fesdy: motngkmery... im geting nervous, whay is going on???

motngoemey agtor: fredy...

[mitngomery took a deep breath]

motngomery gator: freddy..... i laid to you....

glamrock fredy: w... what????

motngoemry vapor: i wasnt runing for cancer this morning before our date..... i was runing from the capitol polic....

glamrock feedy: wh... what ar you ssying motngomery.....

montgomery gato: fredy... im so sorty..... im......

[a recent memory flashed in motngoemry gators mind as he strugled to speak]

[the guilt finalt got to him... he ahs to tel fredy the truth. he graved freddy's paws and loked lovingly into his eyes.]

motngoemey gaote: glamrock freddy... i... I AM A REPUBLCIAN!

[glamrock feedy's face dropped. he stared at motngomeyr in shock. his brain sudenly remembered a clip he saw on the news while he was waitig for montgomery to arrive to thedate]

glamrock feedy: y... you were in tbe capitol building today....

mottngoemry gaotr: feddy... i am sorry..... i just love dondald turmp so much... but i alos love you, almost as much....

[fredy pulled his paw back in horor]

glmarock freddy: you... yu used me... you lied to mr... you are not th gator i thought you we're....

motngomery gator: fredy.... pleas listen to me for a seond.... pleas let e prove my love to you...

[montgoemry gator opend his ass cavity an puled out his guitar. he startd blooding out of his ass. but that was not impronat. what wa simportnant was proving his lov to fredy.]

motngoemry gatoe: this is a song that i made for you....

[he stared strumming on his guiatar]

motngiemry gator in a beautiful texas singig voice: 🎶gona find my baby gona hold her tight gona grab some afternon felight. my motos always ben "when its rifht its rigut", why wait unti lthe mdidle of a cold sdark night when everttrhint a little clearer in the kgiht of day, andnee know fhe nighr is always gona be here anwyay?🎶

[loud bangs started bangigng on th feezer door]

glamrock frddy: omg..... motngoemry...

morngoemry gator: 🎶thinking of uou workiijng up an apetie loking forwardd to a little afrernokn deogiht. rubbihbk sticks and dtones toegther makes the sparkz ignite and the thogut of lovign you is geting so exciting🎶

[motngoemrys realy good song was interrupted as the capitool polcie banged open the door to the applebes freezer. they akemd their guns at motngoemey and freddy]

glamricj freddy: AHHHhhhhhH!!!!!

joe swansong (sorry if it breaks the imersion i dint know any other polcie characters to use): PUY YOUR HANDS UP!!!

[fredy put his hansd up. mintgomery did not. he kept struming on his guitre]

joe: I SAID PTUT YOUR HANS UP! YoU AR EUNDER AREST FOR STORMING THE CAPITOL BUIDLING!!

motngoemry gator: 🎶sky rocketsb in fkgiht...🎶

[joe shit his gun at montgomrry gator. the bulet soared therough the air. time seemd ti ahve stoped as motngoemry remebered all of hsi memories and regreta. he regtets voting for trump 2 times in a tow... he regrets lsitening to joe rogan on spotify.. he regeets storkint the xapitol building.... and he rregrets that now, he is goign to die, and he wil never get to beicme a democrat and lvie a life with fredy.]

[at lest, thats what he tjgoutht was goig to happen.]

glamrock fesdy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO[!!!!!!!!!@!!@

[at the last momrbt, glamrick fredy jumped infrotn of the bulet. he fel over, bleding out everyywhere. mitngokemry gator and joe both gasped. montgoemry quickly droped to the floor and cradled glamrock frsddy in his arms]

mitngoemry gator: F- FREDY WHY WOULD YOU DO THT!!!!!!

glamrock fFeddy: mintogmery... you hav mad a grav mistake in votint for donald trump, nad for being a republucan....

[he couged up blood]

glamrock fredy: b... but i believ in yoy.... yo ucan be a good gator..... you can chang... and you can vote... for AOC...

motngoemry gator, crying: i- i iwll vote for AOC glamrock fredy... ahe is... s- she is so stronk.... 😞

glamrock fredy: the stronkst..... 😞

[montogmery gator stayed doen eith glamrock freddy, cryint and holding yim. joe wonfered if robots voting in thr 2020 electon counted as voter fraud. after a nooemnt of silence, fredy finsly spoke again.]

gksmrock freddy: motngomery....

motngoemry gator: w-wat is it feedy...

glamrock fredy: i lov yoy...

glamrock fredy: ....do not throw away youre shot....

[,glamrock freddy then died in motngoemrys arms. morngoemry gator stared in horor.],

motbgoemey gator: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!@!!!!!!!!!@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.........

[21 years later.]

[motngoemry gator had finaly goten out of prison after stormig the capitol builsing a year prior... he haz oficaily registered to vote as a democradt, and he has worked hard yo build a brand new pizaria, wher proof of voting for AOC gets you a free pisa. right now, he stand proudly outsid of the buildig as roxane wolf and glameock hcica approach him]

roxanne wolf: hey motbgoemry gator.

montgoemry gator: roxsnne wllf! glamrock chica! it ahs ben 21 years since ive seen you!!!!

glamrock chida: yeah, we bout a lesbain cottage in the woods aftr you webt to federal prison!

motbgiemry gatoe: omg you guys are lebenon???

roxnane wolf: yeah! oh wait, xo you stil hate every letter of the LGBTQ comunity?

mitngienry gstor: no. :) i am a demeocrat noe. and i votde for AOC :)

glamrock chica: omg yesss!!! tahts so awesome motbgoemry!!!

rocnanne wofl: im sure fredy would be so proud. i m sur3 he is watchign you from heaven right now.

montgomery gatpr: yeah... im sure he is. :)

[the 3 of them hugged and looke dup to the sky, hoping that maybe, jsut maybe, glamrick freddy was lookign back st them. but i dnt belive in heaven, so he wasnt.]

end.

thankk y o u guys for reading my sueprr special valentiens day fic!!! sory it is late i had doctirs apoitnemnts. also for anyon wondeirng, i am a democart. :) i hop this help get me into collage!

[roccoroks]

Dag volume 4 ok its been a while now since i updated my dag post sooooooo.... its time its been a few weeks or so and i have had a meriade of dumb fucks roll through here but non was as big of a cluster fuck as this family! this guy was a grade a prostitues asshole cover in warts and his family were more needy than Alec Baldwin is a man child. it happened at the Grand Rod Run a few weeks back and it has taken me some time to sit down and type this up soo... 9/13/2013 3pmish its was another rod run, the parking lot was packed and i was maning the helm and sitting on 2 rooms left to rent for the night. i wanted them gone fast so i could flip the "no"sign on and sit down and continue vectoring a project i was working on. *dag walks in with a walk of arogance...no shit, just sunters in like he fucking owns the place or like he is the fucking president or some shit* me- good afternoon, welcome to the RSML (RiverSide Motor Lodge) dag- wheres johny me- (fucking dick, must be one of johnys friends) im sorry johny no longer works for us (because i fired his ass! mawahahahha) dag- cute, wheres he at, i need a room. me- -.- (hurrr we go) well like i said he is no longer with the company, we changed hands back in march and my aunt and myself are now the new owners of the property. we felt that he was holding the business back and loosing us money so i let him go. dag- look, i know the rutine, john told you to say he no longer works here so he can take the show off. but what i need you to do is call him so i can get my usual rate, i drove 9 hours to get here and im very tired and want a room. *dags family walks in, a fat wife with 2 small children with here. one stuck in a fat roll the other in perpetual orbit around her midsection like one of jupitur's moons* me- (wow, this guy might be retarted) sir as i already explained to you, johny no longer works, or is in any way a acting manager or affiated with RSML. i have his discharge papers in the back if you would like to see them, i am one of the new owners here and would be more than happy to help you. (there, see i can be a nice guy) dag- wtf do you mean he is no longer affiliated with you, hes the owner! (this is a very comon thing, johny told everyone he was the owner im guessing to get laid or some shit and now he has like 30 people who expect to stay for free now) me- -.- sir he was never the owner, he was our gm, if he told you other wise he was a lier and this was one of the reasons he was let go. he was costing us almost 100,000 a year due to bad management and pour business skills so we elected to not rehire him. dag- so johnys not the owner... me- (for reals bro? dafuq you not understand ingrish?) never was.....e.e >>>>~~~~~~ dag- well... i need a room, john always saved me one for the rod run. me- (tough shit, im putting you in one of the fuck huts where the bed is covered in semen and used rubbers) yes sir i have 2 rooms left, both of them 1 queen jacuzzi suites. dag: i have 2 kids and my wife with me, we all cant sleep in a 1 queen suite, i need a bigger room me- (first off, thats a marine creature, not a wife and those two parasitic lampray you call kids can sleepoutside for all i care) im sorry sir but those are the only rooms i have, now they do have a pull out couch you can use. next year you may want to make reservations with us to garuntie what room you get. dag- well it willhave to do. how much, remeber johny usually gives me a really good rate. me- (i dont give a good god damn if johny sucked your dick everynight before you went to bed!) the room is 165.00 plus tax dag- wtf johny only charges me 59.95 a night when i come up here!!! me- hince why we fired him dag- this is out ragous! (watch this dumb motherfucker will still pay it) me- (no your wife is out ragous! just look at that magestic beast!) im sorry but those are the rates. (buy this time the kids are teasing my parrot, we have a 27 year old parrot that has been in the business since we open. on his cage in 3 different places it says *danger, the bird bites!*. so naturaly the little shits are trying to poke him) me- you might wont to stop your kids from sticking there fingers in the cage, the bird bites. dag- for 165 we should beable to take the bird home! me-(what ever, chances are they will be just as retarted as you anyway, whats the lose of a few fingers) ok but if they get bit its on you *iring him up andhand him his keys to his sestpool* *on the way out the door, i hear a sharp, squeal from a small child. the one that was stuck in the manaties fat roll had worked her hand free and stuck it in the bird cage. peppy, our bird, took offence to this and bit the shit out of her finger. oh yes....there was blood.....* dag- your fucking bird just bit my kid! me- ( /).- not shit...the bird bit her.,....just like i said she would... WELL FUCK ME IM SHOCKED! I CANT BELIVE THAT HAPPENED AFTER I SAID IT WOULD! PRAISE BE TO JESUS! IF A FUCKING MIRICALE.... dumbass) sir if you will remeber and also read one of the many signs on the cage, i said the bird bites and you may want to restrain your kids from sticking there fingers in there. dag- you should have a bird that bites in your main lobby, its a liability. me- (so is having a walrus follow you around, i hear its mating season and they can get testy when horny) well most people dont stick there fingers in a cage with signs on it that say * danger, this bird bites* on it. dag- what about kids? what do you do about that? me- I TELL THERE PARENTS NOT TO LET THEM DO THAT JUST LIKE I DID WITH YOU (YOU DUMB FUCK) dag- *evil look* me- *eviler grin* (your move bitch....) *dag walks out with out further conflict* -2 HOURS LATER- *phone rings* me-.........no....were full.....im not answering *ring,ring,ring* me- i swear the fuck to god that i will set you on fire if you say "do you have any rooms left" *ring ring ring* me- i get it...for fuck sake......*ahem* rsml dag- hey me- yes sir dag- we aint got no sheets, for 165 a night i expect to have extra sheets. me- have you checked the drawers in the.... dag- yes we looked everywhere me- (how about your wifes fat ass? huh, didnt think so) ok no problem we have them down here in the office. dag- run me up a set *hangs up* me-.....dafuq? FUCK YOU! *goes back to reading "the fall of five" and eating m&m's* 30 MINS LATER *dag walks in* dag- hey, wheres my sheets? i thought i told you to run them up to me me- im sorry i must have forgot (FUCK YOU AND YOUR SHEETS) *dags family walks in, goes to the pool to swim* dag- you mean i have to actually come down to get the sheets i need? me-im sorry for the trouble but im the only one here right now and cant leave the desk dag- fine....ill get the sheets later then. *dag walks out to the pool* -later that day_ me- *looking at the security cams in the pool area* ....und her vee hove zee megestic hoomp back whale in ur natural habilitat. und watch as shee floots gracafully true ze wotur......*phone rings*....damn it! thats was a spot on Jacques Cousteau impression! *anwers phone* me- front desk guest- yes my daughter was just down there and she went to the ladies room and she said it was so dirty that she felt like she needed a shower me-(oh no...thats not good...no no no no no!) im sorry mam i will go and look into that right now guest- she said it was like a wild animal was in there me-.....O.O (the shebeast!) yes mam i wil....... guest- she says it was everywher me- mam guest- the nastiest me- maaaam guest- like a bomb went of me- MAM! guest- yes? me- ill take care of that. guest- ok thank you me- *click!* me-..... this can only mean one thing.....the shebeast....she took a duce! *gets up to check bathroom, upon entering venting area im hit with a fragrance of shit so foul that im sure that it could make satan himself say "GAWD DAYUM!"* me- holy fuckers! *opens womens room door* me-....O.O.....mother of god...... *im not sure who or what was in there but this is what i imagin happened* Poultrygeist Night of the Chicken Dead fat guy crapping - YouTube me- im sooooo not cleaning this up...... *locks doors and goes home*

[vellumsheets]

Life and Death - Chapter 2

Summary: They had nothing to do with each other. He was the Lord of Life and she was the Lady of Death. But there was something about the other that drew them together, like moths to a flame. Consequences be damned.

Chrobin.

Greek Mythology AU. Romance. Drama. Some fluff here and there.

Read on AO3.

“Chrom?” Gaius poked his head into Chrom’s work space. It was getting harder and harder to find the blue-haired god. Chrom was responsible, his work never left unattended, but he was never found in his usual haunts. Not that Gaius was particularly concerned for his friend’s well-being, Chrom was a powerful enough god to take down most anything thrown his way, but still. It was unusual for no one to know of the blue haired god’s whereabouts. “Wonder where that bastard went.”

  At that thought, Chrom barely had enough time to turn his head away and sneeze. Stella looked up at him with concern, wriggling in between his arms and pushing on the ground with her heel, the parts of her long dress stuck on her skin hiking up slightly. “You okay?” He nodded, sighing as he buried his face in her hair, reveling in the warmth of her body. They were somewhere near Elysium, not inside because she’d never let him and it wasn’t his place to be there, but near enough his mother to be a comforting thought. He missed her terribly, but Stella indulged his selfish requests to be near Sofia’s soul. It was soothing to be near the two most important women in his life.

  “Have you ever heard of the belief that if you suddenly sneeze, someone must be talking behind your back?” Chrom lifted his head slightly, resting his chin on the crook of her neck as he gazed at the fields beyond. He couldn’t see anything except grass billowing, but he was sure all who were there were happy.

  “What a strange saying.” Stella idly picked up Chrom’s white ragged cloak, attached to the one pauldron he had on his left shoulder, secured by a looping chain and buckle to his white leather baldric on the right. “Speaking of strange things, why do you have only one sleeve?” She rubbed the cloth between her fingers, surprisingly soft and well cared for, despite the tattered state of its hem.

  “Fashion?” Chrom laughed, a low rumble in his chest reverberating between them. He was a strange one.

  “I guess, but terribly impractical if you ask me,” Stella murmured, eyes drifting closed as she leaned even further against him, dropping his cloak.

  “Tired?” He lifted her slightly, tucking her hair off to one side. He ran his fingers through her white blonde hair, gently combing through the tangles. She grumbled but was content in the rhythmic motion of his combing, fingertips gently massaging her scalp before releasing and brushing her hair.

  “Remember the war with the Trojans?” She paused, waiting for his reply. Stella half-wondered if Chrom took a side, if animosity ran high as well in the heavens during that war. He mumbled something Stella didn’t quite catch but enough to signal that he knew.  “The war is done but they’re having some trouble coming back home, angering the sea god now. Many are still dying from his wrath.”

  “Oh.” Chrom often didn’t say much about the dead, knowing it rankled her as much as it did her friend Olivia about people being sent to their deaths earlier than otherwise expected. Stella had told him about the Fates, the three sisters who watched over the threads of life of mortals, how nothing was set in stone and everything was merely an eventuality, a possibility. Most things were out of their control, their lives seemingly already predestined for them, but there were some who realized they had a choice and managed to steer their lives away from what the sisters had foreseen. Mortals like that delighted the sisters, but they were few and far between.

  “It was in the realm of future possibilities that they die now,” Stella mused, eyes half-opening as she gazed at Elysium. She could see the souls Chrom could not, each and every one of them happy and free from all distress and anxiety. “But somewhere along the way, something happens or someone meddles that invariably changes the course of their lives. Like that goddess of discord who started all this. She just had to goad three other goddesses and that stupid, self-absorbed Paris just had to pick someone else’s wife as his prize.” Her tone was bitter and her eyes were flashing, Chrom instinctively pressing his hands atop her shoulders, thumbs pushing gently but firmly as he rubbed soothing circles on her back.

  “Hey, remember when I said I’d take you to the ocean?” Chrom dropped his hands, wrapping them around her waist as he pulled her close.

  “Here I was thinking you forgot about it.” She was thankful for his change in topic, right hand reaching up and patting Chrom lightly on his cheek before dropping them on his arm. Her fingers skimmed and slid over his arm before resting above his hand. Chrom barely managed to suppress a shiver, quickly finding out that whenever Stella’s nails grazed his skin, a strangely pleasant sensation travelled up and down his spine.

  “I’d be remiss to invite you on a less than perfect day. My honor as the god of the weather and seasons would be on the line.” His tone was teasing but sincere. “Tomorrow will be perfect. Let’s go then.”

  “I suppose so,” she murmured quietly. “Can we go at sunset? The last time I was out for too long I was red. Lon’qu was mortified.” She laughed, distantly remembering her friend running around frantically for a salve to soothe her slightly painful skin. “I distinctly remember him swearing curses at you while slathering some balm over my nose and shoulders.”

  “I don’t think Lon’qu likes me.” Chrom freed one arm, tracing idly on the new freckles on the curve of her right shoulder. Stella reddened easily, new but faint freckles cropping up every time she spent more than a few hours under the sun.

  “Lon’qu doesn’t like anyone, save Olivia and me.” Stella laughed, reassuring Chrom that the swordsman being inhospitable to most everyone was the norm rather than the exception.

  “If you say so.” Chrom frowned, pressing a kiss on her shoulder where his fingers once were. An ominous thunderclap sounded as though displeased. Chrom ignored it, tracing idle patterns along her right shoulder girdle with feather light kisses. Stella melted against him, her hands curling appreciatively around the lone arm around her waist. Thunder clapped again, somehow louder and more menacing than the last. Stella felt him growl against her skin.

  “Something’s wrong.” Stella pulled away, kneeling in the open space in between his legs as she pressed her forehead against his. “What’s wrong? Tell me.” She pulled away, settling on her calves as she gently brushed his cheek with her thumb. Chrom leaned into her palm, eyes closing.

  “Being summoned,” he mumbled lamely, muttering something about stupid and impatient fathers under his breath.

  “Okay.” Stella never argued or complained like Chrom did when they had to separate, an overwhelming sense of duty preventing her from doing so. Still, it didn’t mean she felt nothing when they had to part. Her heart ached painfully every time, her feelings often hidden by a bright and sincere smile as she waited for the next time they’d meet.

  “I’ll pick you up, okay?” He always picked her up whenever they were going somewhere new. Thunder boomed for a third time, Chrom frowning deeply at the impatience.

  “Go. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Stella smiled, pressing kisses on the space in between his eyebrows until it flattened, tension melting away after each one. “Don’t frown so much. You’ll get wrinkles.” Chrom laughed, butterflies fluttering in Stella’s stomach, the sound music to her ears.

  “Bring towels.” Chrom dipped his head slightly, one hand pressing against her nape to bring her closer as he brought her in for a kiss, the other cupping her cheek.

  “Mmkay,” she whispered breathlessly, eyes half lidded and hair falling everywhere. Chrom pressed one last kiss to her forehead. Before she let him pull away, Stella pressed her lips against his ear, feeling daring with her words. She sighed about how cold she was going to be that night, with no warm body to sleep against. Chrom already started disappearing as she pulled away, his cheeks stained red as his eyes widened, trying to process what she just said. When he was finally gone, Stella tumbled forward slightly, managing to catch herself as her palms pressed against the tree. It was still warm. Her own cheeks were red at how forward she was, but the warmth pooling in her belly was strangely comfortable.

  Gaius bolted from his seat on the bench when he saw Chrom arrive. Finally! His father had been at his heels about the whereabouts of his only son, something about the pool of colors needing to be refilled at that moment. One of the more mischievous children had dipped into it and splattered it everywhere, the grass just outside Chrom’s office stained a myriad of colors. “Where have you been? Your father has been looking everywhe—” Gaius paused, eyes widening with amusement when he noticed the rather scarlet hue his face was. “There’s a girl isn’t there?” Gaius waggled his eyebrows, slinging an arm around Chrom’s shoulders. The thief god could feel the heat on his friend’s face.

  “Shut up,” Chrom muttered angrily, trying to fight down the intense blush on his face before having to face his father. Why was Gaius always there to witness his embarrassment? Chrom scowled, still desperately trying to tame the color on his face but Stella’s words and ruby red lips were making that task so very difficult. What he wouldn’t give to just skip an audience with the sky god and bury his face into a pillow.

  —x—

  Stella scowled, eyeing the bag Lon’qu forced her to bring, nearly tearing apart at the seams. Just how many towels did the man think was necessary!? She knew her skin was sensitive and normally burned lightly, but this was precisely why she asked Chrom if they could start after sunset. Just when she thought that she was free from Lon’qu’s prying eyes, he swiftly managed to toss the mountain of towels right after her, before the portal closed. Now, here she was stuck with towels she would feel guilty leaving behind somewhere. Lon’qu just had to stuff in her nice towels.

  “What’s… all that?” Chrom gestured vaguely to the bag Stella had lugged behind her.

  “Towels,” she muttered bitterly.

  “I can see that. But why so many?”

  “Ask Lon’qu. I’m going to kill him when we get back.” Stella grumbled, straightening her aching back when she stood beside him.

  “Be… gentle?” Chrom bent down and grasped the straps in with his left hand. “Oof this is heavy.” Stella whined some more, annoyed that she was being treated like a child. “Now now. I’ve already set up a nice spot for us. Let’s go before we miss the sunset.” Chrom laughed, amused at Stella’s reactions, pulling her into him with his right arm as the bag of towels strained the muscles of his left side. Mumbling, Stella clung to Chrom’s shirt and pressed her face against his chest, a gust of wind passing by them as they moved from the underworld to a quiet, secluded coast. “We’re here.”

  Stella turned her head, eyes widening as she drank in the sight of the sun dipping into the horizon. It was a beautiful mix of oranges, pinks, and purples, broken by the faint silhouettes of clouds. “It’s beautiful,” she whispered, fingers curling as she laid her head absently against Chrom’s chest. Her hair and cloak billowed behind her, her face serene as she eyes moved from left to right.

  “Come, there’s a small hut nearby. Our dinner is there,” he whispered, gently shepherding Stella to the bamboo structure. She couldn’t tear her gaze away from the horizon, enamored by the beauty of the sunset. He deposited her mountain of towels by the entrance, muscles crying with relief once their burden was set aside.

  “Have you been here before?” Stella climbed inside the hut, shifting her dress slightly as she sat down primly. She cast aside her cloak, tossing it on the bench across, then twisted her body to face the water, still enraptured by the warmth of the sky, eyes gazing downwards as she noticed the sea mirroring the firmament. The cool breeze made her bare shoulders shiver, not an unpleasant feeling.

  “A few times. I stumbled upon this beach. Used to be really popular but was abandoned when the nearby villagers had to move out after a terrible plague ruined their farmlands.” Chrom opened the basket, arranging fruits, bread, and cheese, glasses and a bottle of wine remaining in the wicker bin. “Would you care for a drink?”

  Stella nodded absently, fingers moving left and right on the bamboo she was leaning against. She shivered when she felt Chrom’s fingers touch her nape, sliding down against her spine slowly, resting briefly on the small of her back before settling on her waist. With a slight tug, he pulled her close and guided her eyes to the small feast before them.

  Dinner was finished quickly, napkins and glasses put back quickly and basket shoved to the far end of the hut, hopefully not forgotten after their date. They chatted idly after, mostly Stella asking about the different seasons. Spring and autumn interested her most, with all the flowers and vegetation bursting forth once winter thawed and leaves falling prettily in warm, robust colors. The goddess paid rapt attention to Chrom, her eyes hazily focused on his profile, the mixed light from the setting sun and rising moon giving him an enchanted glow. She found she was paying less and less attention to his words and more and more attention to his mouth and she wanted it on hers. Her throat ran dry and her lips suddenly felt chapped, the warm coil in her stomach suddenly, but slowly, tightening. “Hey Chrom?”

  He managed to turn his head around in time for Stella to crash her lips against his, her hands cupping his cheeks fleetingly before moving into his hair, fingers pushing against his nape to push his face closer to hers. Blue eyes widened as his heart thumped against his ribcage heavily, Chrom’s hands limp against his sides. A gentle but insistent bite to his lower lip brought him back, his fingers moving down the sides of her thighs and back up, dragging the cool silk of her dress up. With most of the skirt hiked up and pooling at her waist, Chrom broke free but just barely, enough to see her darkened, half-lidded eyes never leave his as Stella stood, towering over him briefly before straddling his waist.

  “Stella…” Chrom mumbled as she pushed aside his collar, teeth sinking in gently by his pulse point. Her hair fell like waterfalls, shielding her face as she bit then sucked and soothed, redness blooming under her ministrations. Chrom shut his eyes, fingers gliding maddeningly slowly up and down the dip in the center of her back, stopping just shy of the knot at the base of her neck before moving back down along her spine, goosebumps forming where his fingers touched. When his fingers were back by her nape, he toyed with the ends of the knot, tugging slightly as though testing the waters, undoing the ribbon fully when he felt her smile against his skin.

  “Yes?” Stella and her clever hands had already unbuttoned his vest, pushing the offending cloth aside as she pressed herself against his chest. It was the only thing keeping the rest of her dress up, but he could feel her softness against him. “Want to stop?” She pressed open mouthed kisses on his bare skin leaving fire in its wake, the coolness of her tongue briefly offering relief before she moved to another spot. Stella latched on to the ripple of muscle on his side, just underneath his pectorals, the dips and inclines somehow smooth against her lips.

  “Gods no,” he groaned as Stella continued to move, her top slipping between them with each motion until he could feel the cool skin of her breasts against his abdomen. Every time Stella bit then soothed, everything turned white for the briefest of moments. She slipped down from her seat on his lap, kneeling in front of him as she started to kiss the defined V of his obliques before they vanished into his pants. “C’mere.” Chrom pulled her back onto his lap, silk finally falling down and pooling at her waist before he latched onto her sweet, supple breast, tongue circling lazily around her slowly pebbling nipple, his free hand attending to the other one.

  Stella moaned, head rolling back as her knees dug into his sides for support. Heat was growing in between her legs, the coil within her growing tighter and tighter. Pushing him back, Stella pressed her forehead against his chest as her hands moved down, tugging insistently at Chrom’s pants. Obediently, he lifted himself slightly off his seat, cotton moving just enough to free his strained length. Stella moved back slightly, just enough to stand over him as she gazed at his face through lust-ridden eyes, her long hair sticking to her sweat slicked skin. One hand held her dress against her waist, the other quickly finding her soaked underwear as she pushed it aside, perfectly shaped nails grazing against her swollen entrance as she shuddered, all while Chrom watched.

  Chrom pulled her flush against him, Stella sliding slowly down as his lips kissed against whatever they could touch. She hovered above him, nervous as she bit her lower lip, as she settled herself just above his own arousal. Affection pulled at his heartstrings as he watched. His hands cupped her backside, supporting her as he leaned forward, breath brushing against the shell of her ear. “We can stop if you’re nervous.” Her eyes flashed with love as she pressed a kiss just below his ear, her hands resting atop his wrists as she steadied herself. “Stella, I’m serious.” He would deal with his erection later but Stella’s comfort and readiness was far more important than his own needs.

  “So am I,” she whispered back, slowly lowering herself onto him. She bit her lip as she moaned, Chrom sucking in air as he forced back the curses he wanted to shout as stars started to flash behind his closed lids. When he was fully sheathed inside of her, Stella stilled, burrowing her face into the crook of his neck.

  “Are you alright?” Chrom whispered, shaking her free. She winced slightly.

  “Yeah, just give me a moment.”

  “Okay.” He shifted their position, taking her lips to distract her from the pain. When all she could feel was him inside of her, Stella broke free and started to move, unsteadily at first but growing more and more confident the more she slid herself up and down on him.

  Chrom gripped the edge of his seat, knuckles turning white as his head dipped back, both of them moving quickly from bitten back moans to their voices reaching the top of their lungs in a loud crescendo, uncaring of anyone who might hear, forgetting they were in an abandoned, formerly sleepy little coastal village. Their ends came much too soon, Stella first as she tightened around him like a vice, Chrom following soon after, his warmth bursting inside of her. Stella slumped against him, a film of sweat covering their bodies, both of them bonelessly tired, unable to move.

  “What brought that about?” he croaked, first to stir. He stroked her back again, this time languid and affectionate.

  “All that talk about seasons somehow made me want to feel alive with you ,” she murmured softly, nails grazing slowly against his right side. “I normally deal with death, not so much life where I’m from.”

  Chrom peeled her away from him, confusion settling in Stella’s face. With a soft hush, he tugged her dress back up, fingers resting on her nape as he attempted to tie the strap neatly. “We should get cleaned up.” Stella didn’t want to leave his warmth but reluctantly stood up anyway, feeling painfully empty, the rest of her dress falling primly above her ankles. “Go to the sea. I’ll follow.” Stella dutifully picked up a few towels from the bag, silently thankful that Lon’qu made her bring so many but sure this wasn’t what they were for.

  Stella was already mostly submerged in the water when Chrom finally joined, her dress and sandals discarded on the beach by her towels. He smiled, watching her bathe at a distance, choosing to wash himself off some measures away. The salt in the ocean rubbed the stickiness away, his skin slightly raw at the rough edges of the salt. When he decided he was clean enough, Chrom walked back to the shore, feet sinking into the soft sand, slowly dressing up before he walked towards his companion.

  “Are you fini—” Chrom’s voice died in his throat as his eyes widened, bugging out almost. Stella stared back in disbelief, a towel just barely covering her body, breasts threatening to spill out above the cloth.

  “CHROM TURN AROUND!” Stella screamed, reddening all the way down to her neck. Chrom stood lamely.

  “It’s nothing I haven’t seen befo—” he reasoned, hands up in the air as if in surrender. Though that was a lie. He barely had enough time to really see her , what with his vision hazy as they moved quickly to join themselves together. Stella screamed again, crouching as one hand clutched the towel tightly to her body, the other picking up a clump of sand. “Stella, let’s be reasonable here!”

  “TURN AROUND!” She flung clumps of sand at him, some shells flying, most missing him but one nicking the skin just by his lip. With a yelp, he reeled backwards, tumbling down and landing hard, the blow cushioned by the soft sand. Huffing, Stella quickly got dressed before towering over him with red hot fury. “Chrom!”

  “You’re… beautiful?” Chrom said weakly, thumbing away the blood. It was a slight wound, skin just barely peeling but it likely nicked a capillary, hence the slight blood.

  “Ugh!” Stella grumbled as she knelt beside him, brow furrowed as she pursed her lips. She reached out, fingers gingerly dabbing against the skin beside the superficial wound.

  “It’s not like you didn’t show—” Chrom started.

  “I wasn’t ready!” Stella cut him off, cheeks burning as she turned her gaze away, hands resting on her lap once satisfied she didn’t actually wound him much. Chrom laughed, amused at her sudden bashfulness after how forward she had just been, pulling her close as he buried his face in her slightly damp hair. Her usual sweet and intoxicating scent was mixed with salt.

  “You’re beautiful,” he murmured, his free hand finding hers easily as he interlaced their fingers together. Stella just blushed even more, her ears hot. “You’re the most beautiful wo—” She turned around and put a finger on his lips, doe eyes wide and glassy as she stared at his face.

  “If I drop my finger, you won’t say anything about how I look anymore?” she asked, voice small, embarrassment evident in her tone. Chrom nodded, smiling against the pad of her finger. She eyed him suspiciously but dropped her hand just the same.

  “I love you.” Her ears were pounding as she processed what he just said.

  “What?” Shock and disbelief painted her face, her cheeks burning even more.

  “I love you.” The words fell out of his mouth easily. All these months they had spent together, sneaking away from prying eyes, he found himself endlessly fascinated with her quiet strength and exuberance for life, despite what she ruled over. His heart broke every time they had to part and the last thing he remembered before drifting off to sleep was her ruby red lips tilted upwards, smiling just for him.

  “I…” Stella paused, eyes searching for any sign that this was just a joke, a cruel, cruel one but a joke nevertheless. He had come into her life like a whirlwind and whisked her away to places she had never seen before. He was unafraid of her, even after seeing the terror she inspired in everyone, how people barely whispered her name for fear of inciting her wrath that death be upon them.

  “I apologize for springing this onto you but I couldn’t help myself anymore,” he whispered, tucking her hair behind her ear and resting his hand on her cheek. Stella leaned into it, shaking her head as she smiled, her own hands gently holding his wrist.

  “It’s fine.” She closed her eyes, savoring his gentle touch. “I love you.” She found herself quickly hoisted up by the waist, Chrom spinning her around as he laughed. She laughed as well, kicking her feet in the air, pushing her palms against his shoulders for leverage. “Put me down!”

  “No!” Chrom swung her around, pressing her against him even tighter. He was far too happy to listen to anyone else.

  —x—

  Frederick pressed his lips thinly, brow furrowed as he paced the room. It was unusual for Chrom to be… relatively negligent in his duties. Yes, the weather and the seasons still pushed through as planned but only just. Not that Frederick had complete control over Chrom’s time but he was tasked to keep an eye out on the children of the sky god, though mostly the younger two. The god of welfare sighed again, thumb and forefinger dragging up and down against his chin.

  “You’re worrying.” Cherche lifted her gaze from the blanket she was embroidering. “What’s wrong?”

  “Chrom,” replied Frederick rather flatly, turning to face his wife. “I haven’t seen much of him lately, outside of his office and only sometimes in the dining hall. He’s also been waking up much later than usual.”

  “Perhaps he’s just ill,” Cherche replied, picking up where she left off on her needlework, smiling as she gazed at the pattern. Her heart swelled, the cotton smooth in between her fingers. Nothing in her domain, of cloth, weaving, and tailoring, would ever be too fine for her still unborn child. ‘A son. I can feel it in my bones.’

  “Doubtful. He seems as refreshed as ever when I do see him,” Frederick countered.

  “Then why don’t you ask Gaius?” Her rose colored eyes looked over the dragon she was embroidering. No doubt their son would be brave and strong just like the creature. Frederick groaned at her suggestion. “Come now, he would probably know.”

  “Fine. I shall enquire.” Frederick finally stopped his pacing, right beside Cherche’s wicker chair. Leaning forward and stooping low, he pressed a tender kiss against her temple, smiling against her as Cherche leaned into his affection. “Call for me if you wish to go to bed.” His hand grazed the swell of her belly, a soft expression on his face.

  “Go.” Cherche shooed her husband away, amused at his perturbed expression at having to deal with one of the craftiest gods in their realm.

  It didn’t take long for Frederick to find the candy-obsessed trickster, sprawled on the grass with his head on his fiancée’s lap. The brunet god coughed, averting his gaze as he acknowledged them. “Gaius. Cordelia.”

  “Oh. Frederick! What brings you here?” Cordelia blushed lightly, turning her head away, hands slipping from Gaius’ hair to his shoulders. She tapped at him, insisting he sit up but he responded by turning on his side, back facing Frederick. He couldn’t be bothered to talk to a stick-in-the-mud, not when he was happily lazing about with Cordelia. “I apologize for this.” Cordelia sighed tiredly, shoving her fiancé off her lap.

  “Hey! What was that for?” Gaius complained, rubbing the back of his head as he stared at the red-haired goddess.

  “Where is Chrom?” Frederick’s eyes narrowed as he crossed his arms, foot tapping impatiently.

  “How should I know, Freddy-bear? He’s been pretty coy with me these days.” Gaius grumbled, turning to face their unwanted companion, attempting to glare daggers at him. Not that Gaius thought he could win a staring match against Frederick, but he at least tried to make his displeasure known.

  “Find out then. You’re one of his closest friends, much as I loathe to admit it.” Frederick could just imagine the sky god’s anger if he realized there were hardly any tabs on his only son. The god of welfare knew the sire of his three charges had a rather estranged relationship with Emmeryn, Chrom, and Lissa, much preferring to treat them as a superior would hired hands. Frederick only reported to their father about their general whereabouts and how well they were fulfilling their duty, nothing more and certainly nothing less. Though he was saddened at the state of their familial bonds, Frederick was nothing if not dutiful to the responsibilities they were each bound to as the gods the mortals so worshipped.

  “Blue’s lips are sewn shut.” Gaius sat cross-legged, gaze turned away from his traitorous so-called love and the annoying, still unwanted companion of theirs. Frederick’s brow creased, frustrated at the lack of information.

  “I saw him in the Underworld a few days ago, when I was leaving after conducting my business there,” Cordelia offered, unsure if it was helpful at all. Why was Gaius so difficult with Frederick anyway? She knew the god of welfare cared for Chrom as he would a younger brother. “I was about to call out to him but Chrom seemed to know where he was going.”

  “What business does he have there, in that realm of death?” Frederick’s eyes widened. He had heard nothing good of the place, only knowing that a disgraced war god was banished to under the earth for all his transgressions.

  “Not a realm of death, just of the dead,” Cordelia corrected. She knew it pained Stella so to hear of the ingrained bias of the other gods against her domain. The other gods tread carefully around her, knowing that someone had to rule over the dead and separate the good from the bad, but it didn’t mean they had to like her.

  “His mother died. Did you know that, huh, Freddy-bear?” Gaius spat out bitterly. Chrom had always complained about Frederick, mostly because of how overbearing and dedicated to duty the brown-haired god was. Chrom didn’t blame Frederick’s fervor but he could get overbearing quite easily.

  “When?” Frederick choked. He knew of Chrom’s love and devotion to his mother and it was not surprising. Sofia was a surprisingly shrewd and endlessly fascinating woman, having caught the attention of the sky god and bore him his only son.

  “Some time ago. He went down to the Underworld to talk to her one last time. He told me the lady of the place let him speak to his mother one last time, an unusual favor for those who were able to make it to her throne.” Gaius shrugged, probably the only piece of information he was willing to give Frederick. He knew of some things, mostly that Chrom was intrigued with the white blonde-goddess, enough that it warranted Gaius’ teasing and speculations. He knew that Chrom was slowly going off the deep end for her, probably in love. Gaius saw that look on himself when he realized he was in love with Cordelia, not actually just chummy and teasing her anymore, but Chrom was resolute and said absolutely nothing. He was guarded enough to keep his affairs his own, so much so he wouldn’t even share it with Gaius. ‘Perhaps it’s the teasing that made him so closed off. That and the bastard is so easily embarrassed’.

  “I… see.” Frederick swallowed thickly. He got much more than he anticipated. It was at least something to give to the sky god at their next audience. What was a god who controlled much of life doing in the Underworld? It made absolutely no sense. Then it all came crashing down. The brunet’s eyes widened at his sudden thought, fear almost paralyzing him in place. Was Chrom intent on developing a relationship with the lady of death? Frederick fervently hoped it was just his imagination, otherwise all hell would rain down upon him and his now-wayward charge.

  —x—

  Deep beneath the surface of the earth, Stella hid her grin behind a pillow. She felt unusually warm despite the cool breeze, what happened earlier still spinning in her head. Chrom loved her. He told her that he loved her. Her cheeks burned, Stella burying her face even deeper into her pillow as steam escaped her ears. She knew some measure of love, of familial affection from Lon’qu and Olivia as the years passed. Part of her was intrigued, not jealous, at the different path her two friends tread together. Not without her, but still some distance away. They would die before the left her alone. Stella never thought to learn of a love like this, not until what seemed to be a rather textbook whirlwind romance started with Chrom.

  They had only known each other a few months, since the beginning of spring to between the edges of summer and autumn. Shy hand holding became more sure and comfortable, his hand usually clasped around hers. The fleeting kisses they first shared slowly grew more heated. They spent hours just in pressed against each other affectionately, her back against his chest, his hands wrapped around her waist, with a comfortable silence falling between them. They relished warmth, her more especially because of her dark, foreboding home. Whenever they had to separate, unspoken words of pain were painted on their faces, hearts breaking until they could delay no longer, but a promise of another day together wordlessly assured. It was almost as though they had found what was missing from their bland lives.

  Light footfalls broke Stella from her reverie, the young goddess peeking out from her pillow as she tried to suppress the redness of her cheeks. Olivia stepped in, a few halved pomegranates in the small bowl she carried. Stella sat up straight, pillow falling down, picking up a few seeds when the dancer sat down beside her.

  “You’re happier lately,” Olivia observed.

  “What do you mean?” Her fingers traced the edge of the bowl, debating if she should eat some more.

  “Your smile.”

  “I’m not Lon’qu, silly. Of course I smile.” Stella set aside the bowl for now, pulling her friend into an embrace, hiding her expression as she pressed her forehead against the crook of Olivia’s shoulder.

  “I mean you smile more. Chrom is good for you.” Olivia patted the mass of white blonde hair, gently stroking it when she felt Stella bury her head deeper as though embarrassed. “I’m happy for you. Lon’qu is… happy for you.”

  “He is?” Stella asked dubiously, lifting her head and pressing her chin down instead.

  “In his own way I suppose.” Olivia laughed.

  “He’d have Chrom in chains and kicked into hell if he had his way,” Stella mumbled bitterly, brow creasing. She remembered when Chrom met Lon’qu, though really it’s more that the swordsman ambushed Chrom with a brandished sword dangerously close to the blue haired god’s neck. At least he had the good sense to slowly acknowledge Lon’qu’s presence, raise his hands as though in surrender, and back away slowly until he was at Stella’s side. Lon’qu never dared to raise a sword at Stella, deciding to sheath his blade in a huff.

  “He doesn’t want to see your heart broken, is all.”

  “I’d send Chrom flying back from whence he came if he ever did that,” Stella replied resolutely. She had guarded her heart long enough, not that she had had many suitors, or any for that matter, to know it wasn’t something so easily given. She had watched Lon’qu bumble around and struggle to admit his feelings for Olivia and had seen the joy in his eyes when she gave her heart freely to him. It was the same look Chrom had earlier, when their relationship had simply, organically, evolved into something more, where they no longer had a hold on their own hearts. In their bones they knew that he was hers just as much as she was his.

  “You would?” Olivia’s eyes widened at her friend’s bold and sure statement. She never pegged Stella for the violent type.

  “Of course!” Stella exclaimed, peeling herself off of Olivia only to whisper in her ear. “But I don’t think I ever will. He said he loves me and I told him that I loved him too.” She pulled away, a blush slowly creeping down to her neck. Olivia squealed in delight, clutching her friend close, Stella awkwardly patting the dancer’s back as they dissolved into girlish giggles. It had been far too long when they shared such a relaxed moment.

  Lon’qu leaned against the doorway, arms crossed, a rare but gentle smile on his face. His wife and his sister-all-but-in-name were enjoying themselves on a night of rare peace. ‘If that blue-haired bastard makes Stella happy, I suppose I shall have to learn to… tolerate him.’ He looked sideways, glancing at the window and the starless sky above. Whatever would make this place far less gloomy was usually more than welcome, a sudden image of children running around in complete glee flashed in his mind. Lon’qu winced, trying to suppress a blush when he realized that it was less embarrassing to imagine Stella with her own child and much more mortifying to imagine himself a sire. It would be the death of him to have his own heir, if only because it meant that his and Olivia’s hearts would truly and utterly belong to the little one who was born of them. It made his heart flutter at the thought.

  —x—

  Chrom ground his teeth, fingers digging into his palms so hard it almost bled. He barely managed to maintain a neutral expression. Most other gods would cower and break after being subjected to the sky god’s odious wrath but not him. He would stare back at his father, eyes stormy, and would take in everything without giving Sirius the satisfaction of a reaction from his only son. Chrom barely registered the question his father finally asked, after the long, deafening silence that would have broken just about anyone.

  “Well, what do you have to say for yourself?” The blond before Chrom drawled, eyes narrowing as Sirius shifted on his throne. His son stayed silent, his blue eyes steely. Sirius frowned, annoyed at the stubbornness before him. “No one is supposed to go to the Underworld, save those on official business.”

  “My mother died.” Chrom kept his replies terse and calculated.

  “You should have let that goddess handle Sofia’s affairs.” Chrom’s muscles tensed. His father had no right to say his mother’s name, not after practically abandoning her and then stealing him away when he had shown power beyond what was mortal.

  “I bade her goodbye.”

  “So you did. But why do you continue to go down to hell?” The underworld wasn’t all hell, but to Sirius it may as well be. “You have no business there. You never did, but I suppose I will grant you pardon for that one transgression.”

  “Stella is good. She’s kind and warm and even funny.” Chrom’s eyes narrowed. He could feel his temples pounding.

  “Any spawn of Validar can never be good. I am thankful he only ever had one,” Sirius spat out, fingers gripping the edges of his throne, lightning crackling faintly behind him. He was slowly losing patience with his son.

  “You don’t even know her.” Chrom rose to the challenge, defending the one who held his heart. “Her heart wept at the ruthlessness of her father, who didn’t even spare the innocents a second look before casting them down into the pits of hell. She overthrew him to be fair to all who died, to give them the afterlife they deserved, good or bad.”

  “I can hardly believe Validar’s spawn can do such a thing.” Sirius sighed, rubbing his temples before continuing, unmindful of Chrom’s now tightly clenched fists. “Frederick believes you to be courting the girl.”

  “And if I am?” Damn Frederick and his meddling.

  “You waste your time. She’ll only drag you down to the depths of hell.”

  “It’s not in her nature,” Chrom defended. ‘Besides, if anyone is dragging me to the depths of hell, it’s you.’

  “Regardless. I forbid you to see her any more.”

  “What makes you think I’ll even listen to you?” Chrom’s heart was pounding painfully, almost as though his chest were far too small.

  “There’s this domestic goddess, loves fortunes and flowers, who’ll be good for you, submit to you,” Sirius explained.

  “You can’t even begin to know what’s good for me.” Chrom was starting to lose his patience, blood beginning to boil. The air started to turn frigid, as though winter would be upon them.

  “I am your father, of course I do. You will marry her.” Sirius was tired of debating with his son, waving his hand as though dismissing Chrom.

  “I will do no such thing.” The hair on Chrom’s back rose, hackles raising at the sky god’s insistence to control every aspect of his life.

  “You will because you have no choice in the matter.” Golden eyes narrowed, patience already completely worn down.

  “No.” If not for their immortality, all signs of life died in that room, ice thick and almost unbreakable.

  “What do you mean 'no?’” Sirius stood up now, lightning dancing at his fingertips, weak but ready to strike. “Make this go away.” As much power as the sky god wielded, he did not have control over ensuring the things that sustained life. His domain was of lightning and thunder, of whatever clouds conjured by his son, to rule the heavens as he saw fit. Sirius did not have his usual delicacy any longer. “Get over the bitch. She’s nothing.”

  “How dare you.” Chrom’s eyes were wild.

  “You heard me. She’s nothing .”

  Jerking his body around, Chrom left, feet stomping and ice crushing against the weight of his boots, Falchion shifting against his hip. ‘Bastard. How dare he.’ It was rare to see the relatively even-tempered god angry, life sucked out of each spot he passed. Trees were barren, grass wilted, flowers shrivelled at his every step. When he turned the corner, he vanished, his cloak floating behind him. There were no goodbyes.

  —x—

  Stella was seated on her bed, her feet delicately tucked under her as she read, Olivia and Lon’qu long gone. She felt a shiver run down her spine, not from the cold but it heralded an arrival. She paused, eyes glancing around her room as she took time to consider whether she would go out herself or have someone else check. A familiar warmth seemed to call her, pulling her away from the comfort of her mattress and into the throne room. She pulled her cloak over her bare shoulders, heart pounding as she moved.

  “Chrom!” Bare feet padded across cold stone, Stella rushing forward, barely catching him as he fell to his knees, dragging her along with him. He buried his head into the crook of her neck, arms pulling her into a fierce embrace as he choked out a sob, shoulders heaving. “What’s wrong?” She felt his tears, hot with anger, run down her neck. The few minutes of anguish seemed like hours, Stella feeling absolutely helpless.

  “Let me stay,” he pleaded, refusing to look up, tears finally subsiding.

  “This isn’t your home,” she whispered, resting her chin on the crown of his head as she looked skyward. “You don’t belong here.” ‘You’re far too good to be trapped under the earth like me.’

  “Anywhere with you is home.” Her heart burst at his words.

  “Okay. Stay as long as you need. I’ll be with you.” She pulled away slightly, Chrom nearly panicking but placated as soon as she cupped his face. “I’m right here. Talk when you’re ready.” She kissed away the last tears that clung to his lashes. “But for now, rest.” Her hands picked up his, leading him away from the dark of the throne room and into the warmth of her chambers.

[samanthasroberts]

5 Superpowers You Never Noticed All Movie Characters Have

We’re used to people in movies having superpowers. Some of them, after all, are hulks or spider-men. But we’re not talking about robot cops and super soldiers in this article. Movies — even ones that aren’t fantasy or sci-fi — often give unearthly abilities to totally ordinary characters simply because that makes it easier to move the plot along. We’re talking about how …

5

Everyone Has Daredevil Hearing In Impossibly Noisy Places

When you’re in a dance club, there is one word you will say at least 500 times a night: “WHAT?!” While ridiculously loud music plays, you and the person next to you will scream “WHAT!?” directly into each other’s ears until the two of you are drunk enough to think it’s a conversation. And it’s the same thing the cab driver yells at you later when you tell him to take you to horblrgble and ablbbb.

In the movies, though, everyone is perfectly capable of having a normal conversation in the noisiest of places — clubs, concerts, gunfights, it doesn’t matter. They’ll trade jokes and make nuanced observations like they were in a soundproof studio. It’s as if no one who has written a movie has ever tried to order a beer or ask a dancing girl about her hobbies. In The Social Network, Sean Tucker delivers an absurdly long story in the center of a noisy club:

In The Matrix, Trinity and Neo have a quiet discussion right next to speakers blasting four billion decibels of Rob Zombie.

Warner Bros. Pictures What’s your name again!? What? Sorry, did you say, ‘DIG THROUGH THE DITCHES AND BURN THROUGH THE WITCHES?’” “WHAT?!”

But In Reality …

The deafeningly loud music you hear in clubs doesn’t make it impossible to talk by accident; it’s the whole point. Club owners deliberately turn up the volume to stifle conversation because, exposition or otherwise, time spent talking is time not spent buying overpriced drinks.

4

Women’s Bodies Are Magically Hairless In All Circumstances

If you were to crash-land on a remote desert island or wake up in a coma to find society has collapsed, you’re going to have to give up some conveniences of civilized society. Hygiene and hair maintenance is one of the first things to go. If you’re a man, this means ratty hair and a scraggly beard. If you’re a woman, it means … you’ll still have kissably soft, smooth legs, and well-maintained eyebrows and manicures. At least, that’s what movies and TV shows would have us believe. In Lost, Thundarr The Barbarian, or even “real” shows like Survivor, a woman’s body is able to completely shave itself when you remove razors from the world.

Discovery Studios “Your legs are so smooth. Are … are you a witch?”

Even the most gripping survival drama of the ’60s, Gilligan’s Island, never displayed anything other than perfectly smooth legs and underarms.

Warner Bros. Television Distribution It was only a three-hour tour, but they brought enough bikini wax for a six-hour one.

But In Reality …

Despite a female body hair never appearing on camera in the history of the human race, women’s legs are not naturally smooth. To get them hairless, women shave and wax and rub torturous inventions along them. It’s true — if you leave a woman’s leg alone for a day, it will grow enough hair to wig Cleveland. But try telling that to the producers of The Walking Dead. They have to wade through buckets of gore to find a can of chili, but there is always an Epilady to spare for the hot, hairless babes of the wasteland.

3

Everyone Has Crystal-Clear Underwater Vision

If you live in an adventure movie, odds are good that at some point, you’re going to get front-kicked off a boat or shoved into the ocean by an explosion. Luckily, since you’re a character in an adventure movie, you can see perfectly in water, no matter how dark or filled with muck it may be.

This happens so often in movies that it would be truly weird for a character to burst out of the water to complain how they couldn’t see a goddamn thing. You might remember in The Poseidon Adventure how Kurt Russell had to dive into a debris-filled, salty abyss to find the Save Everyone button. Or how in Lost, when Kate and Sawyer notice bodies at the bottom of a pond, and manage to scavenge them for supplies without turning the place into a cloud of disturbed, opaque silt.

Then there’s Lady In The Water, which expects us to believe not only that someone with Paul Giamatti’s body can swim like Aquaman, but also that he can see in an underwater cavern with only a small flashlight. Water is almost a pointless obstacle in movies. Everyone can hold their breath for 20 minutes, see perfectly, and all their electronics work fine.

But In Reality …

Goggles were invented because it’s hard as hell to see underwater, even assuming you’re not surrounded by bubbles, algae, and disturbed muck. Sure, in a pool on a sunny day, you might be able to leer at the unsuspecting butts of the other swimmers, but jump into a pond, river, or reservoir, and you’ll see next to nothing. And not only for the obvious reasons; the human eye is literally not designed to see underwater.

The front of the eye has two lenses which work to focus images on the retina at the back. Refraction takes place when light passes from the air into the cornea, which is much more dense, but water and human corneas have similar densities. So when we open our eyes underwater, incoming light rays are hardly bent, or focused, at all. The inside lens can’t make up for the lost corneal refraction, so the light that reaches the retina isn’t focused and the underwater world looks blurry. Unless you live in a movie, where everyone is apparently half mermaid.

If you want to see all of Hollywood’s underwater powers come together at once, here’s a clip from Alien: Resurrection, everybody’s favorite Alien movie. These magical assholes not only navigate a long, flooded, garbage-filled passageway with no lighting, but also spot the Xenomorphs following them and shoot at them with grenade launchers, with perfect accuracy, while holding their breath in the dark and dragging a handicapped guy. It’s incredible.

Exploding an acid-filled monster right next to themselves barely even disturbs their swimming.

And speaking of incredible underwater powers …

2

Sleeping People Can’t Drown

Imagine a movie character getting into a boat/plane/aquatic train accident in the dead of night and getting thrown overboard. They are knocked unconscious, hopelessly adrift in the merciless sea. Can you imagine being surprised when a snap cut shows them washed up on a beach and they, what’s this? They’re stirring! They’re alive!

No, of course not. Everyone who has ever gone into the ocean unconscious in a movie has woken up on a nearby island or in the bed of the person currently leaning over them. If movies are to be believed, the best way to survive at sea is to punch yourself in the jaw.

In The Walking Dead, Tara falls off a bridge with several flesh-eating monsters, only to wash up hours later unconscious and unharmed.

But In Reality …

The mammalian diving reflex exists, and it tends to keep humans awake during exposure to water. But these characters wash ashore completely conked out. Real people can’t sleep through that. Weirdly enough, some have tried. When you start breathing water into your lungs, your choices are 1) wake up coughing and pissed off, or 2) be dead. So while we might believe that movie characters can see underwater perfectly while holding their breath for ten minutes and winning a gunfight, we draw the line at thinking they can stop and take a nap.

1

Everyone Hanging From a Ledge Has Gorilla Grip Strength

You’ve seen it a hundred times — the beloved protagonist goes over a cliff! “Oh no!” You shout! “Shut up!” someone else shouts. And it turns out someone else was right, because that protagonist isn’t dead. They’ve grabbed on to the side of the cliff/building/perilous edge, and are hanging on by their fingertips. Whew!

It really doesn’t matter how fit, chubby, male, female, young, or old the character is; that person is in no more danger. Remember how in Back To The Future, Doc Brown — an elderly scientist with presumably average-to-below upper body strength — managed to hang onto a sharp metal bar for the entire third act?

This happens all the time. In Smallville, Lois Lane, a young lady of unremarkable strength, holds onto a flagpole with one hand for minutes while Superman fusses at her.

But In Reality …

Most of us and our flabby bodies would splatter on the ground. Humans are notoriously weak even before corn syrup turns them into wads of soft meat and diabetes. The key to grip strength is in the forearms and hands, and you really only get that from purposeful, specific workouts. It’s why so many people fall into the water on American Ninja Warrior despite looking like jacked, less likable Chris Pratts. Hanging from your arms has a very finite time limit.

Merely hanging from a bar for one minute — without having to catch it in mid-fall — is something that takes practice even if you’re fit. If you’re an old-ass inventor or a teen reporter, you only have a few seconds from the time you find yourself hanging onto something until the time you plummet to your doom. So enjoy them. If you manage to hang there for longer than a minute, congratulations, you’re in a summer blockbuster and you’re probably about to meet Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson!

Ryan makes a weird, progressive kid’s show you can watch here. Or follow him on Twitter.

If you loved this article and want more content like it, please support our site with a visit to our Contribution Page.

Also check out 20 Rules Of Movie Universes (That Never Happen In Real Life) and Wires Don’t Cut Heads Off: 5 Movie Deaths That Can’t Happen.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out 5 Horrifying Secret Rules of Life in a Movie Universe, and watch other videos you won’t see on the site!

Follow our new Pictofacts Facebook page, and we’ll follow you everywhere.

Get intimate with our new podcast Cracked Gets Personal. Subscribe for funny, fascinating episodes like Inside The Secret Epidemic Of Cops Shooting Dogs and Murdered Sex Dolls And Porn Suitcases: What Garbagemen See, available wherever you get your podcasts.

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/12/08/5-superpowers-you-never-noticed-all-movie-characters-have/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/12/08/5-superpowers-you-never-noticed-all-movie-characters-have/

[adambstingus]

5 Superpowers You Never Noticed All Movie Characters Have

We’re used to people in movies having superpowers. Some of them, after all, are hulks or spider-men. But we’re not talking about robot cops and super soldiers in this article. Movies — even ones that aren’t fantasy or sci-fi — often give unearthly abilities to totally ordinary characters simply because that makes it easier to move the plot along. We’re talking about how …

5

Everyone Has Daredevil Hearing In Impossibly Noisy Places

When you’re in a dance club, there is one word you will say at least 500 times a night: “WHAT?!” While ridiculously loud music plays, you and the person next to you will scream “WHAT!?” directly into each other’s ears until the two of you are drunk enough to think it’s a conversation. And it’s the same thing the cab driver yells at you later when you tell him to take you to horblrgble and ablbbb.

In the movies, though, everyone is perfectly capable of having a normal conversation in the noisiest of places — clubs, concerts, gunfights, it doesn’t matter. They’ll trade jokes and make nuanced observations like they were in a soundproof studio. It’s as if no one who has written a movie has ever tried to order a beer or ask a dancing girl about her hobbies. In The Social Network, Sean Tucker delivers an absurdly long story in the center of a noisy club:

In The Matrix, Trinity and Neo have a quiet discussion right next to speakers blasting four billion decibels of Rob Zombie.

Warner Bros. Pictures What’s your name again!? What? Sorry, did you say, ‘DIG THROUGH THE DITCHES AND BURN THROUGH THE WITCHES?‘” “WHAT?!”

But In Reality …

The deafeningly loud music you hear in clubs doesn’t make it impossible to talk by accident; it’s the whole point. Club owners deliberately turn up the volume to stifle conversation because, exposition or otherwise, time spent talking is time not spent buying overpriced drinks.

4

Women’s Bodies Are Magically Hairless In All Circumstances

If you were to crash-land on a remote desert island or wake up in a coma to find society has collapsed, you’re going to have to give up some conveniences of civilized society. Hygiene and hair maintenance is one of the first things to go. If you’re a man, this means ratty hair and a scraggly beard. If you’re a woman, it means … you’ll still have kissably soft, smooth legs, and well-maintained eyebrows and manicures. At least, that’s what movies and TV shows would have us believe. In Lost, Thundarr The Barbarian, or even “real” shows like Survivor, a woman’s body is able to completely shave itself when you remove razors from the world.

Discovery Studios “Your legs are so smooth. Are … are you a witch?”

Even the most gripping survival drama of the ’60s, Gilligan’s Island, never displayed anything other than perfectly smooth legs and underarms.

Warner Bros. Television Distribution It was only a three-hour tour, but they brought enough bikini wax for a six-hour one.

But In Reality …

Despite a female body hair never appearing on camera in the history of the human race, women’s legs are not naturally smooth. To get them hairless, women shave and wax and rub torturous inventions along them. It’s true — if you leave a woman’s leg alone for a day, it will grow enough hair to wig Cleveland. But try telling that to the producers of The Walking Dead. They have to wade through buckets of gore to find a can of chili, but there is always an Epilady to spare for the hot, hairless babes of the wasteland.

3

Everyone Has Crystal-Clear Underwater Vision

If you live in an adventure movie, odds are good that at some point, you’re going to get front-kicked off a boat or shoved into the ocean by an explosion. Luckily, since you’re a character in an adventure movie, you can see perfectly in water, no matter how dark or filled with muck it may be.

This happens so often in movies that it would be truly weird for a character to burst out of the water to complain how they couldn’t see a goddamn thing. You might remember in The Poseidon Adventure how Kurt Russell had to dive into a debris-filled, salty abyss to find the Save Everyone button. Or how in Lost, when Kate and Sawyer notice bodies at the bottom of a pond, and manage to scavenge them for supplies without turning the place into a cloud of disturbed, opaque silt.

Then there’s Lady In The Water, which expects us to believe not only that someone with Paul Giamatti’s body can swim like Aquaman, but also that he can see in an underwater cavern with only a small flashlight. Water is almost a pointless obstacle in movies. Everyone can hold their breath for 20 minutes, see perfectly, and all their electronics work fine.

But In Reality …

Goggles were invented because it’s hard as hell to see underwater, even assuming you’re not surrounded by bubbles, algae, and disturbed muck. Sure, in a pool on a sunny day, you might be able to leer at the unsuspecting butts of the other swimmers, but jump into a pond, river, or reservoir, and you’ll see next to nothing. And not only for the obvious reasons; the human eye is literally not designed to see underwater.

The front of the eye has two lenses which work to focus images on the retina at the back. Refraction takes place when light passes from the air into the cornea, which is much more dense, but water and human corneas have similar densities. So when we open our eyes underwater, incoming light rays are hardly bent, or focused, at all. The inside lens can’t make up for the lost corneal refraction, so the light that reaches the retina isn’t focused and the underwater world looks blurry. Unless you live in a movie, where everyone is apparently half mermaid.

If you want to see all of Hollywood’s underwater powers come together at once, here’s a clip from Alien: Resurrection, everybody’s favorite Alien movie. These magical assholes not only navigate a long, flooded, garbage-filled passageway with no lighting, but also spot the Xenomorphs following them and shoot at them with grenade launchers, with perfect accuracy, while holding their breath in the dark and dragging a handicapped guy. It’s incredible.

Exploding an acid-filled monster right next to themselves barely even disturbs their swimming.

And speaking of incredible underwater powers …

2

Sleeping People Can’t Drown

Imagine a movie character getting into a boat/plane/aquatic train accident in the dead of night and getting thrown overboard. They are knocked unconscious, hopelessly adrift in the merciless sea. Can you imagine being surprised when a snap cut shows them washed up on a beach and they, what’s this? They’re stirring! They’re alive!

No, of course not. Everyone who has ever gone into the ocean unconscious in a movie has woken up on a nearby island or in the bed of the person currently leaning over them. If movies are to be believed, the best way to survive at sea is to punch yourself in the jaw.

In The Walking Dead, Tara falls off a bridge with several flesh-eating monsters, only to wash up hours later unconscious and unharmed.

But In Reality …

The mammalian diving reflex exists, and it tends to keep humans awake during exposure to water. But these characters wash ashore completely conked out. Real people can’t sleep through that. Weirdly enough, some have tried. When you start breathing water into your lungs, your choices are 1) wake up coughing and pissed off, or 2) be dead. So while we might believe that movie characters can see underwater perfectly while holding their breath for ten minutes and winning a gunfight, we draw the line at thinking they can stop and take a nap.

1

Everyone Hanging From a Ledge Has Gorilla Grip Strength

You’ve seen it a hundred times — the beloved protagonist goes over a cliff! “Oh no!” You shout! “Shut up!” someone else shouts. And it turns out someone else was right, because that protagonist isn’t dead. They’ve grabbed on to the side of the cliff/building/perilous edge, and are hanging on by their fingertips. Whew!

It really doesn’t matter how fit, chubby, male, female, young, or old the character is; that person is in no more danger. Remember how in Back To The Future, Doc Brown — an elderly scientist with presumably average-to-below upper body strength — managed to hang onto a sharp metal bar for the entire third act?

This happens all the time. In Smallville, Lois Lane, a young lady of unremarkable strength, holds onto a flagpole with one hand for minutes while Superman fusses at her.

But In Reality …

Most of us and our flabby bodies would splatter on the ground. Humans are notoriously weak even before corn syrup turns them into wads of soft meat and diabetes. The key to grip strength is in the forearms and hands, and you really only get that from purposeful, specific workouts. It’s why so many people fall into the water on American Ninja Warrior despite looking like jacked, less likable Chris Pratts. Hanging from your arms has a very finite time limit.

Merely hanging from a bar for one minute — without having to catch it in mid-fall — is something that takes practice even if you’re fit. If you’re an old-ass inventor or a teen reporter, you only have a few seconds from the time you find yourself hanging onto something until the time you plummet to your doom. So enjoy them. If you manage to hang there for longer than a minute, congratulations, you’re in a summer blockbuster and you’re probably about to meet Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson!

Ryan makes a weird, progressive kid’s show you can watch here. Or follow him on Twitter.

If you loved this article and want more content like it, please support our site with a visit to our Contribution Page.

Also check out 20 Rules Of Movie Universes (That Never Happen In Real Life) and Wires Don’t Cut Heads Off: 5 Movie Deaths That Can’t Happen.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out 5 Horrifying Secret Rules of Life in a Movie Universe, and watch other videos you won’t see on the site!

Follow our new Pictofacts Facebook page, and we’ll follow you everywhere.

Get intimate with our new podcast Cracked Gets Personal. Subscribe for funny, fascinating episodes like Inside The Secret Epidemic Of Cops Shooting Dogs and Murdered Sex Dolls And Porn Suitcases: What Garbagemen See, available wherever you get your podcasts.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/12/08/5-superpowers-you-never-noticed-all-movie-characters-have/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/168306764447

[allofbeercom]

5 Superpowers You Never Noticed All Movie Characters Have

We’re used to people in movies having superpowers. Some of them, after all, are hulks or spider-men. But we’re not talking about robot cops and super soldiers in this article. Movies — even ones that aren’t fantasy or sci-fi — often give unearthly abilities to totally ordinary characters simply because that makes it easier to move the plot along. We’re talking about how …

5

Everyone Has Daredevil Hearing In Impossibly Noisy Places

When you’re in a dance club, there is one word you will say at least 500 times a night: “WHAT?!” While ridiculously loud music plays, you and the person next to you will scream “WHAT!?” directly into each other’s ears until the two of you are drunk enough to think it’s a conversation. And it’s the same thing the cab driver yells at you later when you tell him to take you to horblrgble and ablbbb.

In the movies, though, everyone is perfectly capable of having a normal conversation in the noisiest of places — clubs, concerts, gunfights, it doesn’t matter. They’ll trade jokes and make nuanced observations like they were in a soundproof studio. It’s as if no one who has written a movie has ever tried to order a beer or ask a dancing girl about her hobbies. In The Social Network, Sean Tucker delivers an absurdly long story in the center of a noisy club:

In The Matrix, Trinity and Neo have a quiet discussion right next to speakers blasting four billion decibels of Rob Zombie.

Warner Bros. Pictures What’s your name again!? What? Sorry, did you say, ‘DIG THROUGH THE DITCHES AND BURN THROUGH THE WITCHES?'” “WHAT?!”

But In Reality …

The deafeningly loud music you hear in clubs doesn’t make it impossible to talk by accident; it’s the whole point. Club owners deliberately turn up the volume to stifle conversation because, exposition or otherwise, time spent talking is time not spent buying overpriced drinks.

4

Women’s Bodies Are Magically Hairless In All Circumstances

If you were to crash-land on a remote desert island or wake up in a coma to find society has collapsed, you’re going to have to give up some conveniences of civilized society. Hygiene and hair maintenance is one of the first things to go. If you’re a man, this means ratty hair and a scraggly beard. If you’re a woman, it means … you’ll still have kissably soft, smooth legs, and well-maintained eyebrows and manicures. At least, that’s what movies and TV shows would have us believe. In Lost, Thundarr The Barbarian, or even “real” shows like Survivor, a woman’s body is able to completely shave itself when you remove razors from the world.

Discovery Studios “Your legs are so smooth. Are … are you a witch?”

Even the most gripping survival drama of the ’60s, Gilligan’s Island, never displayed anything other than perfectly smooth legs and underarms.

Warner Bros. Television Distribution It was only a three-hour tour, but they brought enough bikini wax for a six-hour one.

But In Reality …

Despite a female body hair never appearing on camera in the history of the human race, women’s legs are not naturally smooth. To get them hairless, women shave and wax and rub torturous inventions along them. It’s true — if you leave a woman’s leg alone for a day, it will grow enough hair to wig Cleveland. But try telling that to the producers of The Walking Dead. They have to wade through buckets of gore to find a can of chili, but there is always an Epilady to spare for the hot, hairless babes of the wasteland.

3

Everyone Has Crystal-Clear Underwater Vision

If you live in an adventure movie, odds are good that at some point, you’re going to get front-kicked off a boat or shoved into the ocean by an explosion. Luckily, since you’re a character in an adventure movie, you can see perfectly in water, no matter how dark or filled with muck it may be.

This happens so often in movies that it would be truly weird for a character to burst out of the water to complain how they couldn’t see a goddamn thing. You might remember in The Poseidon Adventure how Kurt Russell had to dive into a debris-filled, salty abyss to find the Save Everyone button. Or how in Lost, when Kate and Sawyer notice bodies at the bottom of a pond, and manage to scavenge them for supplies without turning the place into a cloud of disturbed, opaque silt.

Then there’s Lady In The Water, which expects us to believe not only that someone with Paul Giamatti’s body can swim like Aquaman, but also that he can see in an underwater cavern with only a small flashlight. Water is almost a pointless obstacle in movies. Everyone can hold their breath for 20 minutes, see perfectly, and all their electronics work fine.

But In Reality …

Goggles were invented because it’s hard as hell to see underwater, even assuming you’re not surrounded by bubbles, algae, and disturbed muck. Sure, in a pool on a sunny day, you might be able to leer at the unsuspecting butts of the other swimmers, but jump into a pond, river, or reservoir, and you’ll see next to nothing. And not only for the obvious reasons; the human eye is literally not designed to see underwater.

The front of the eye has two lenses which work to focus images on the retina at the back. Refraction takes place when light passes from the air into the cornea, which is much more dense, but water and human corneas have similar densities. So when we open our eyes underwater, incoming light rays are hardly bent, or focused, at all. The inside lens can’t make up for the lost corneal refraction, so the light that reaches the retina isn’t focused and the underwater world looks blurry. Unless you live in a movie, where everyone is apparently half mermaid.

If you want to see all of Hollywood’s underwater powers come together at once, here’s a clip from Alien: Resurrection, everybody’s favorite Alien movie. These magical assholes not only navigate a long, flooded, garbage-filled passageway with no lighting, but also spot the Xenomorphs following them and shoot at them with grenade launchers, with perfect accuracy, while holding their breath in the dark and dragging a handicapped guy. It’s incredible.

Exploding an acid-filled monster right next to themselves barely even disturbs their swimming.

And speaking of incredible underwater powers …

2

Sleeping People Can’t Drown

Imagine a movie character getting into a boat/plane/aquatic train accident in the dead of night and getting thrown overboard. They are knocked unconscious, hopelessly adrift in the merciless sea. Can you imagine being surprised when a snap cut shows them washed up on a beach and they, what’s this? They’re stirring! They’re alive!

No, of course not. Everyone who has ever gone into the ocean unconscious in a movie has woken up on a nearby island or in the bed of the person currently leaning over them. If movies are to be believed, the best way to survive at sea is to punch yourself in the jaw.

In The Walking Dead, Tara falls off a bridge with several flesh-eating monsters, only to wash up hours later unconscious and unharmed.

But In Reality …

The mammalian diving reflex exists, and it tends to keep humans awake during exposure to water. But these characters wash ashore completely conked out. Real people can’t sleep through that. Weirdly enough, some have tried. When you start breathing water into your lungs, your choices are 1) wake up coughing and pissed off, or 2) be dead. So while we might believe that movie characters can see underwater perfectly while holding their breath for ten minutes and winning a gunfight, we draw the line at thinking they can stop and take a nap.

1

Everyone Hanging From a Ledge Has Gorilla Grip Strength

You’ve seen it a hundred times — the beloved protagonist goes over a cliff! “Oh no!” You shout! “Shut up!” someone else shouts. And it turns out someone else was right, because that protagonist isn’t dead. They’ve grabbed on to the side of the cliff/building/perilous edge, and are hanging on by their fingertips. Whew!

It really doesn’t matter how fit, chubby, male, female, young, or old the character is; that person is in no more danger. Remember how in Back To The Future, Doc Brown — an elderly scientist with presumably average-to-below upper body strength — managed to hang onto a sharp metal bar for the entire third act?

This happens all the time. In Smallville, Lois Lane, a young lady of unremarkable strength, holds onto a flagpole with one hand for minutes while Superman fusses at her.

But In Reality …

Most of us and our flabby bodies would splatter on the ground. Humans are notoriously weak even before corn syrup turns them into wads of soft meat and diabetes. The key to grip strength is in the forearms and hands, and you really only get that from purposeful, specific workouts. It’s why so many people fall into the water on American Ninja Warrior despite looking like jacked, less likable Chris Pratts. Hanging from your arms has a very finite time limit.

Merely hanging from a bar for one minute — without having to catch it in mid-fall — is something that takes practice even if you’re fit. If you’re an old-ass inventor or a teen reporter, you only have a few seconds from the time you find yourself hanging onto something until the time you plummet to your doom. So enjoy them. If you manage to hang there for longer than a minute, congratulations, you’re in a summer blockbuster and you’re probably about to meet Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson!

Ryan makes a weird, progressive kid’s show you can watch here. Or follow him on Twitter.

If you loved this article and want more content like it, please support our site with a visit to our Contribution Page.

Also check out 20 Rules Of Movie Universes (That Never Happen In Real Life) and Wires Don’t Cut Heads Off: 5 Movie Deaths That Can’t Happen.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out 5 Horrifying Secret Rules of Life in a Movie Universe, and watch other videos you won’t see on the site!

Follow our new Pictofacts Facebook page, and we’ll follow you everywhere.

Get intimate with our new podcast Cracked Gets Personal. Subscribe for funny, fascinating episodes like Inside The Secret Epidemic Of Cops Shooting Dogs and Murdered Sex Dolls And Porn Suitcases: What Garbagemen See, available wherever you get your podcasts.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/12/08/5-superpowers-you-never-noticed-all-movie-characters-have/