#disaster thoughts

[datamodel-of-disaster]

Ooof.

It's been about a year now, and I'm still not entirely over my devastating friend breakup.

Like, I guess I AM over it in the sense that I'm pretty much fine. I did my grieving (Read: cried my eyes out on the living room rug, downed a bottle of too expensive wine at a sushibar while sorting through the devastation with Husband and QPP, listened to Miley Cyrus' Wrecking Ball and wallowed in self pity until I got tired of myself, wrote a lot of cruel/angry/miserable/desperate tumblr posts that didn't make it out of my drafts, read The Friendship by Connie Palmen and Take Care Of Yourself by Sophie Calle, found a modicum of peace with the fact that I really felt more humiliated than sad, you know.) and I mostly no longer think about it. It's not really a thing in my life anymore.

....

But holy fuck. I'm NOT over it in the sense that accidentally coming across anything they made is still a recipe for Instant Physical Panic. Like, heart racing, nausea, the works.

It's just...

I can't fucking believe they wrecked me so bad that accidentally seeing their art or their fics or even their bloody username makes my body respond with such instantaneous threat response, almost 9 months later still.

There they are, completely and utterly unaffected, and there am I, having hypertension over seeing their art reblogged on somebody else's blog. It's like the humiliation just won't end.

And whatever can I do about it? Nothing, that's what.

Except this.

One of the reasons I originally gave them the ick was my "bad habit" of publicly processing all my feelings; guess I'm not escaping that allegation. Still. I'm lancing the boils of this grief, one by one. Better out in the open than festering inside.

[datamodel-of-disaster]

This... This tickles me.

Discipline as an art project.

The masochism of it! The sheer punishment of repeatedly, routinely subjecting yourself to something hard and unrewarding. The immense pride in both bearing and applying that punishment unflinchingly. You are the torturer, but the face looking back at you on the rack is your own.

Life kinda feels like this already -a series of tasks that are hard and unrewarding and you do them again and again with no escape or catharsis. But in the real world, there's real consequences muddying the water. The task is done to postpone or avoid punishment. You cook to not be hungry. You clean to not be dirty. You work to not be destitute. Life lifts a pot and you are but a scurrying bug trying to hide from the sun.

Making art, however, is not obligatory. Nothing unpleasant happens to you if you don't. Most people don't. To then do it anyway, again and again and again? Spinning in place, you turn that aimless burden into a purification ritual, a distillation of the very essence of life.

Again and again and again. Nothing changes. Nothing changes. But there you are, day after day. Gritting your teeth. Pushing your boulder. There is no point to it, it goes nowhere, it gains you nothing... Except, perhaps, life itself.

Some things are worth doing for the sake of being the sort of person who does them.

For being the sort of person who chooses life, despite it all.

[datamodel-of-disaster]

Sometimes I still get comments on or asking about my old fics. And I do mean my old-old fics, like, “rare!pair Harry Potter fic I wrote when I was 16” old.

And it has made me realise that anything you create, no matter how niche or low quality, has a chance to touch another person positively.

Like, I can say a lot of derogatory shit about my teenage writing, but… I think from now on I’m gonna remember that fic as “the one that got someone to track me down on another platform just to compliment me on it”.

So you know, that thing you made and didn’t think good enough? That fic you think about deleting, that art you think is kinda shit? For all you know, there is someone out there right now who absolutely loves it, who is being inspired by it, who wishes there was more of it.

Anything you make can touch someone positively.

[black-swan-ldr]

‧₊˚♪ 𝄞₊˚⊹ ʚ🧸ྀིɞ‧₊˚♪ 𝄞₊˚⊹

[lazylittledragon]

costumes and other things :3

[datamodel-of-disaster]

"It's bad and if you don't tell them you know it's bad then they'll think you're stupid."

THIS. This right here is the source of all the irony-poisoned, insincere bullshit in our culture. This is the core of what cringe really is.

The fear of wholeheartedly loving/living/enjoying something in the face of potential group disapproval. Of being perceived not just as having bad taste, but as unaware that others think the thing is bad, aka stupid.

It is implied in this fear that "interacting with the audience", the meta-think of "existing as though observed" is an inevitable, perhaps even fundamental part of the human experience. It implies that the opinion of the presumed observer trumps your own and that to not acknowledge the observer is tantamount to being dumb and embarrassing.

But OP is right. This will ruin your life if you let it.

The only way to lead a fulfilling, authentic life is to live it unapologetically. Acknowledging the (often invisible or imaginary) observer only gives it power over you that it doesn't deserve. You gotta dance, write, draw, exist, as though no one's watching. That's the only way to live.

you'll get the urge as an artist or a writer to say out loud the things you're worried about "the proportions are off" "kind of out of character" "i'm not good at summaries" "didn't get as much detail as i wanted" "i made a mistake and here's how" and that's the self-conscious part of your brain telling you "it's bad and if you don't tell them you know it's bad then they'll think you're stupid" but you've got to ignore that little voice and pretend you think it's good or else that little voice is going to ruin your life

[datamodel-of-disaster]

Sometimes I see all this great art from my old fandom, and I'm like... You know what? Maybe. Maybe I could come back.

And then, as I find myself on a reblogging spree, I always hit a post I can't like or reblog, and I see the username, and I am reminded.

You are not welcome here.

This is their turf and you are trespassing.

BEGONE.

I don't know. As long as it's been, it still hurts.

[thimblings]

truly a feast for all of the senses

[inkskinned]

"don't make it political!" .... what proportion of death and suffering must occur before politics are involved. if this isn't political, what is even the point of any politics, ever. of democracy. the words are "by the people for the people." if i am going to be left alone by my elected representatives to "figure it out" - to undergo damage, hardship, fear. what the fuck did i elect them for. what was their job. the entire point is that they handle this shit. this is why we were supposed to be electing leaders.

poverty is political. misogyny is political. gun control is political. climate change is political. how much aid a community gets is political. what the fuck are you talking about. it's been political this whole fucking time.

[maythedreadwolftakeyou]

look i love Varric. with all my heart. so when I call him the “poster dwarf for centrism” what i mean is. he went through all the events of DA2, and then everything in and following DAI, and was still utterly convinced that people railing against injustice in the world just need a serious chat in order to see his side of not wanting things to change actually. and then they’d stop doing all that nonsense

[black-swan-ldr]

𝐒𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞𝐬 𝐈 𝐜𝐚𝐧’𝐭 𝐡𝐞𝐥𝐩 𝐢𝐭 ❤︎︎

[koolaidashley]

How I think a de aging ep would go

[datamodel-of-disaster]

I dare add something here, actually.

Many things are worth doing even if they're hard and you don't like doing them and you're no good at them and don't really improve.

Maybe this is my ADHD speaking, but... My life is comprised mostly of things that I find hard and unenjoyable and that I'm no good at, from holding down a job to keeping my house livable to making sure I meet basic standards of cleanliness. There's thousands of skills and tasks involved and I hate and suck at over 90% of them. It never ends. There's no opting out. And hobbies? I am objectively quite mediocre at everything I've ever tried. There's no grand talent within me, and not for lack of trying to unearth one.

And that sucks, yeah. But... It also exposes me every day to just how very, very worth doing a lot of stuff is. Looking back on 30 years of doing things that were hard and unfun and not very rewarding, I can finally see the real reward, slowly building in the type of person I became and still am becoming.

The process of trying to acquire a skill, even if you never really master said skill, shapes you.

Even if you never draw a pretty picture, learning to draw changes your eye, how you look at the world.

Even if you never become conversational, learning another language opens your mind to the possibility of new perspectives.

Even if you sweat and cuss over every cryptic word, reading academic literature fundamentally changes how you engage with information.

Even if you never even master a simple tune, playing an instrument alters your brain in ways I can't even explain (anecdote: learning piano *helped my clumsiness*, I'm not kidding. I went from seriously injuring myself multiple times a year to nearly never. No idea how but it's real. No physical changes, only piano classes. I still can't play Für Elise, but I haven't broken anything in years.)

And in having to do all the hard and unpleasant tasks of life despite only nominally improving at them over time, I see how with my own reluctant hands I shape a life I love living. How I make space for happiness. Anything worth doing is worth doing badly, with grit teeth and clenched jaw if need be.

You don't have to love the process. You can bite your teeth and hang in there for the result if need be. You just have to know that the result is not a product, not the success or failure of a single attempt, not even the building of mastery over time. The result is becoming the kind of person who does things.

You will steal from yourself the one and often only thing that makes the vast majority of stuff worth doing, if you let a machine do it for you.

Unpopular opinion but if you don't enjoy the process you should find a different thing to do.

And I think this is true in general but now I'm talking about it in the context of AI.

If you don't enjoy making art and only care about the end piece and how it'll look and how much traction it"lol get online then making art is not something for you, find something you enjoy from start to finish.

Same goes for writing: if you do not enjoy writing and rewriting and then some more and instead want AI to write for you, being a writer is not something you should pursue.

Sure, not every part of creative process is going to be equally enjoyable but you should get satisfaction from solving the problems along the way and you should get a sense of accomplishment on your way of "making the piece yours" and you should have a sense of ownership once you are done.

None of these things will come from typing in a prompt into chatGPT. And I am sad to see so many people are missing on the opportunity to experience the joy of making something with their own hands and brains.

[grey-viridian]

Twins Angst My Beloved

[hawkinsbnbg]

Eddie: Am I gay or is Harrington just conveniently and infuriatingly hot?

Gareth: Why are you asking me??

Eddie: Well, it takes one to know one.

Gareth: ... Yeah, he's hot.

Eddie: But you're not. You're just gay.

Gareth: You know what else I'm not?

Eddie: What?

Gareth: Your friend.

[lacy-0hlacy]