#dont even get me started on the skeletons who had to remove the rats. every. single. rat. these guys deserve a raise

[siri-ike]

Magpie stealthily crept out the window, Trogon jewels in hand. She had only intended to steal the Seriemas emerald and the bedazzled Frogmouth statue, so there wasn't enough room in her pouch. She landed on the ground in the classic stance, the one that's bad for the knees. She was about to sneak off into some dark corner of Gotham when she heard the unmistakable sound of Solomon Grundy flying past the ally and crash landing in the street. Magpie poked her head out to see what was going on. In the middle of the street was a crater full of Grundy. She scurried over to check on the guy, but he seemed to be happy. He wasn't moving, but he didn't look like he was knocked out either. It was more like he was resting after a long day at an amusement park. She slid down and crouched near his head. "Hey, Grundy, you okey?" She placed the jewels from one hand on her lap so she could stroke his forehead.

"Grundy...new...friend." He growled in his usual manner.

"Friend" like how he and Bizaro are friends or how Penguin calls them "friends".

"Who is Grundys' new friend?"

"Kiteman...sidekick."

Sidekick? Wassnt Charlie's kid dead? Magpie glanced in the direction he'd come flying from only to be met with a green glowing skeleton mere inches from her face. Instinctively, she punched it and jumped back. Its skull went flying, and the body flayled around, trying to find it again. The whole scene looked like it belonged in the background of Pirates of the Caribbean. Magpie stood up and looked around. Other skeletons were running around picking up people and animals. She couldn't help but feel sorry for the ones desperately trying to catch bugs and remove them. Suddenly, the first skeleton picked her up and started running.

----------

Penguin was not happy. It was bad enough that Red Hood had defiled his territories by spray painting penguins dressed as Pokémon everywhere, but that morning he had hacked into the iceberg lounge speakers and played "flightless birds" on loop for 6 hours. It had completely flipped the patronage base. There was only one solution.

"I want you to kill the Red Hood."

Across the table sat Dick disguised as a hit man.

"This is what he looks like." Penguin slid a photo over to his guest.

Suddenly, a goon burst through the door.

"WHAT!!"

"Boss, the news, someone's messing up Gotham."

Penguin scrambled for a remote in his drawer and turned on the TV, which was conveniently tuned to the right channel.

"-going only by "Kitemans Sidekick Danny"-"

"Kitemans Sidekick, huh? Ol Charlie thinks he can cause an uproar in my town, does he? Change of plans." He turned back to the hired gun. "Your target is Charlie Brown." He snapped his fingers at the goon. "Get the file on Kiteman."

----------

Pamela had recently started staying in bed longer. Of her own free will ofcorse. It had nothing to do with the death grip Harley could somehow manage in her sleep.

"Woah, girl. You got it bad."

"Shut up." She scolded her mutant pitcher plant. "It was just a hook-up. Nothing more."

"A hook-up that's lasted 8 nights?"

"What do you know." She spat.

"Well, for starters," crap, she definitely messed up in giving Pitch room to judge. "There's the fact you created me." The smug overly testosterone filled voice dug into her ego. "And let me just say: mutating a pitcher plant to only eat human penises is the gayest thing you could have done." Why the hell does she keep this thing in their bedroom anyway?

*riiiiiiiing* *riiiiiiiing*

A distraction the phone, finally. Pamela sat up, still letting Harley hold onto her waist, as a long vine brought her her phone.

"Morning."

"Pam, something weird is going on." Selina sounded somewhat worried but kept her cool tone. "Is Harley with you?"

"Pfffft, what? No. We don't spend all our time together or anything. It's not like we're roommates or a cupple . We're friends, and nothing more. Why? Did the plants tell you something?"

"Wha- no. She's not answering her phone. I just wanted to make sure you two are okay. Gotham's gone off the hook. There's someone out there throwing Grundy around like a rag doll."

"Is anyone else involved?"

"Red Hood, it looks like. The Gentleman Ghost was in it for a spat, but he tagged out early. But I also saw Creech there. I wanted to be sure that Harley wasn't involved."

"Ugh, fine." Pamela paused. "This stays between us." She took a deep breath. "Harley is at my place. Been here all night."

Selina snickered.

"Platonicaly!"

"Huh? Whuh?-" Harley sturred.

"Nothing, sweety. You can keep sleeping."

Harley settled back, this time squeezing a little tighter.

"Sounds platonic."

"You keep this to yourself, or I'm growing lilies and tulips all over the city."

"Oh, I won't tell anyone. But know this. When had a betting pool in "when" not "if".

----------

Bullock really didn't want to deal with this today. He had finally worked up the nerve to ask Marge out, and a classy lady like that deserved a nice dinner. Not... this.

---------

The first thing Two Face saw when he woke up in a hospital bed was the news. The little twerp that broke his kneecaps was fighting Solomon and Red Hood. He must be with the Bats. Or rather, from how he flies and hits, the Supers or the Martians would be more likely. Two Face pinched the bridge of his nose. He was startled by the loud crash of a tray of medical something or other hitting the floor. Harvey looked over to the source of the noise. It was a nurse. The sound also woke up the officer in the chair next to him.

"Sorry, I just need to change the bandages." She addressed the officer who tried to act like he hadn't been asleep. She picked up a roll of bandages and walked over to the bed. Something was off about this woman. Her uniform was revealing, and she didn't even seem intimidated approaching a known criminal. She gave him a sly smile before her arm quickly turned to clay, covering the officer from head to toe. Muffled screams could barely be heard as he struggled for air. It was no use.

Danny: Omg! It's you! I'm a huge fan of your work!

Kiteman: What? Really?

Danny: Yeah! Do you know how cool it is to meet someone who flies and rarely attacks civilians? I broke the Riddler's knee caps in your honor! Can I have your autograph?

Kiteman: Of course! Would you like a picture, too?

Danny: WOULD I!?

Bruce watching from a rooftop: Everyone move in on Kiteman once he finishes the meet and greet with his fan.

Damian: Why wait? He's completely distracted. This be the optimal time to take Kiteman down.

Bruce: I am not ruining this moment for him.

Damian: Why?

Bruce: The man's main weapon is a tribute to his dead son that Riddler killed. A kite. The last person to be as excited for his kites was said, son.

Damian: .....We shall wait.

Tim on com: Why wait when we have a perfect-

Damian: YOU LEAVE THAT MAN ALONE DRAKE LET HIM ENJOY THIS.

Duke: Are we just going to move on from the guy who said he broke the Riddler's knee caps?

Bruce: The question mark bitch had it coming.

[blookmallow]

workin on skyrim houses.... i am steadily amassing all real estate in skyrim lmao

most of this is super old news now but i never got around to posting it so 

i hate that bag back there so much every single time i see it i think its a person for half a second 

moved my family to solitude and everyone seems happy 

fuck YES this is the kind of room worthy of my beautiful children 

i got TWO MORE MANNEQUINS who are both very unruly and frequently refuse to stand where they’re supposed to but i at least haven’t seen them move,

what is this room down here??? is my housecarl sleeping here?? why doesn’t she get a bed this place is enormous. lydia gets a bed. argis gets a bed. what the fuck is this nonsense 

also i built an alchemy lab for my wife bc she used to be an apothecary’s assistant and i thought she might like it and I DO ACTUALLY SEE HER USING IT which makes me enormously happy 

i dont know if your spouse just always makes use of the things in the house or if its a particular characteristic for muiri or not but i like to think she appreciates my efforts 

im not using this house for a whole lot yet its mostly for my family 

this isnt related to houses i dont know why this is in here but i dont feel like moving it, anyway this guy was offering what he clearly described as “meat pies” at the fire festival but then it turned out to be apple, which is probably because apple pies are the only ones that actually exist in the game’s coding as far as ive ever seen/they probably wanted to avoid this being The World’s Rarest Pie or something but its still :’) odd 

time to BUILD AN ENTIRE HOUSE!!!!! by MYSELF!!!!! 

I HAVE A COW!!!! LOOK AT HER!!!! COW 

i dont have a lot of progress shots of the falkreath property but it took a Very Long Time :’ ) its coming along great now though i think i just have a couple more things in the basement and it’ll be totally finished 

check out this sickass taxidermied skeever i got 

yEAH!!!!! SKELETON!!!! YEEAAHHHH

as it turns out, though, owning a house outside of the city is, uh. apparently very dangerous, because, in addition to the giants constantly going after my cows, 

SKEEVERS

I DIDNT KNOW THEY COULD GET IN THE BASEMENT 

man you dont really fully appreciate the size of these fuckers until they’re in your goddamn HOUSe

i didnt REMOTELY expect them to be in here so i didnt even notice them for a good few minutes, i was just like. fucking around sorting things or something when i suddenly noticed Movement 

for half a confused second i thought they were just like, hanging out and was momentarily very pleased with the new friends i had obtained before they all started attacking me :’) 

had to kill them, which is a shame because i would have absolutely loved to have random skeevers hanging out in my basement. why must we fight 

this also meant my basement was full of skeever corpses for a bit until they despawned lmao

but, ok, rats in the basement, giants getting in your yard, thats like, understandable hazards, i guess, but falkreath was not done with me yet

I HAD BANDITS COME BARGING INTO MY FUCKING HOUSE

ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO DO THIS???? THEY CAN JUST DO THIS????

you have the option to move your family in to this house if you want to and im fucking glad i didnt, children cant be harmed as far as i know but they could’ve come in here and fuckign murdered my wife 

I MEAN I UNDERSTAND THATS. THE WAY THINGS ARE SOMETIMES IN A PLACE LIKE SKYRIM BUT COME ON NOW

aNYWAY, i and my. snarky dark elf friend from solstheim who was with me at the time killed them all and there wasnt much in this room so nothing important got knocked over or anything, i dont know where the fuck lydia was during all this bc she’s supposed to be guarding this house and she didnt do shit, but 

ALRIGHT. SURE. MY HOUSE IS FULL OF CORPSES AND THERES BLOOD SPLATTERED EVERYWHERE BUT ITS FINE EVERYTHINGS FINE WE’RE FINE 

the corpses and the blood disappeared the next time i came back here but. god :’) 

i bought the windhelm property a while ago and forgot about it/didn’t want to remodel it bc i didnt want to lose the fuckign butcher crime scene but finally decided to investigate it 

unless you choose to pay to have it cleaned up you do Not in fact lose the crime scene. you could potentially move your kids in here and still have blood everywhere. i m losing it 

welcome to my lovely home 

i feel like theres somehow MORE blood in here than there was before but i dont remember 

you can remodel the secret room into an alchemy lab without removing the murder debris which is VERY funny to me 

also very kind of the windhelm steward or whoever remodeled this for me to provide me with fuckign black soul gems,

arent these like. illegal

one of my mannequins got stuck in this ridiculous pose for a while and the helmet is absolutely not helping lmao