#dont judge my thoughts my brain is mush

[aredpenny]

i should be allowed to bite somebody on the neck. as a treat

[smoked-salmon-official]

found my pen so im finally drawing idw vagabond and victory but i wanted to asky ask:

from your perspective as victory's creator, what do you think about their dynamic? what would happen if they meet (djd or baseline) and just what do you think about them?

you said you had thoughts, so i'd like to hear another perspective as i draw this

(also i wish you the best :[ burnout + depression fucking sucks, i'd never wish it on anyone)

wahoo!!!! yippee!!!!! yay!!!!! glad to hear your pen reappeared from the void - (i swear, sometimes my items just straight up despawn too...)

oughhhhh being their creator is so weird you really can just make a silly guy and do horrible things to them

*apologies if i misinterpret or mischaracterize anything!! brain feels like mush but i did reread through the tag <3

onwards to the actual stuff!!! -> for simplicity's sake im pretending this is after main story line stuff has concluded!! nothing bigs goin on

-victory is both frusturated and concerned by vagabond's general depressiveness, they are very depressed and not doing great either, but they express this in other ways (read: violence)

-however if they found out about his past they would not judge, they have done things they are not proud of either. they can't say if he's changed (dont know him well enough) or if they themself have changed either, so they dont judge

-and, theres a lot they would relate to vagabond on, like bad experiences w factions and the "good guys" not being so good, and just generally being neutrals who wandered around a bit

-victory would probably quite enjoy his company, they are quite quiet after the main events of the story too, and its nice to hang out with someone who doesnt really know them too well, doesnt expect anything of them, and doesnt really make any particular judgements either. they feel so defined by everything thats happened in the past, its hard to be anyone else now

-its kinda weirdly refreshing to meet someone as sad, complex, and generally kinda miserable as them who also feels like he has no one and no support system. i don't think theres gonna be much talkin to each other till later, but they have, i guess, a quiet understanding of each other... the past is very complicated but with someone who gets that but is otherwise a stranger, there can be a little bit of peace ..

-if they met on the lost light they would bond over being the strangers/outcasts/being judged by others

-if they met somehow djd ending peaceful tyranny 2 victory would actually welcome vagabond abord if he wanted, they kinda have a lot of sympathy for anyone just sort of drifting around alone with no one to care about them, thats who they were once and other peoples kindness saved them. im not sure if vagabond would accept the offer, but victory would definitely extend it after some ambiguous adventures together

-ya, sorry lol if this is disjointed, out of character, doesnt make sense etc..... brain is mush! lookin forward to seeing what you make tho!

[and thank you, yeah its a bad combo and things suck rn but i think everything will be okay<3]

[ultimateloserboy]

Found this song and thought it kinda reminded me of Red Guy, it's in russian so there's a translation

Note: "неважно" - "nevajno" can be translated as both "unwell" and "unimportant"

Thoughts?

tumblr kept blocking and unblocking the image of the translation so i hope its not messed up on anyones screen when i post this, but anyway. BANGER.

the translation being both “unwell” and “unimportant” means so much because in the red guy world red guy himself would feel VERY unimportant. hed feel mocked by others, judged heavily. it’s obvious all the other red things are unhappy, but they refuse to admit it. he works every day with them and he knows they dont enjoy it any more than him, but thats what they’re supposed to do, so they all deal with it. sorry if this is short im very tired rn and also sunburnt as shit so my brain is a little mush, but this is so red guy its insane. that is my thoughts. does a little curtsy.

[nerdfighterwhatevernumbers]

i’m too young to be tired of being alive, right? i definitely don’t wanna die and i know a lot more people have been suicidal in their teens but idk right now i feel like ‘tired’ shouldn’t be how i feel about living in my 20s. i quit my job a couple weeks ago because i couldn’t handle it anymore and have applied to a couple new ones, but every time i look at listings i’m like. i’m just sad because so many of them seem like they’d make me feel bad all over again and it feels like that’s just gonna be my life. my whole life is gonna be working a job until i can’t handle it anymore and then quitting or moving away hoping to find something better, which i won’t because i’m not good enough for the options i only half want and can’t find anything i completely want. my whole life is gonna be not talking to people cuz i know they’ll judge me or i won’t know how to have a conversation. my whole life is gonna be nothing feeling fulfilling, cuz even today when i managed to complete a chore and got a lot of crochet done at a certain point i was like ‘this is all i did today- it has been hours and i just crocheted and watched videos’ cuz i didn’t wanna do anything else but just doing what i wanted for hours felt like a waste of time while doing what i don’t want sounds terrible. i was tired like an hour ago but i wanted to get more crochet done, so instead of going to bed at a reasonable hour like i meant to so i stop waking up at 11 i just stayed up more cuz at least i wanna do something now, idk if i’ll want to do anything in the morning. i said i wanted to make potato soup last week but haven’t had the motivation to cook again. i like baking and want to bake things a bunch cuz i also like eating a ton of sugar but i can only let myself bake so much because i wanna eat so much. my sense of time and my memory have been real weird and it’s partly because i’m no longer on a work schedule and partly because my doctor upped my meds like a week ago. idk if they’re actually giving me memory problems but they do make me dizzy for a good while in the morning. that means if i wake up at 11 and take my pill i’m out of it at least til noon.

idk how much of this feeling is quarantine. i was between jobs when i first moved but i had just started living with people instead of having lived in quarantine with the same people for almost a year. it was summer when i moved and i had air conditioning for the first time in my life, so being inside felt safe, but going outside also wasn’t terrible and it’s mostly freezing now. my old apartment had a small gym, so exercise was a way to leave the house without being freezing or boiling or going too far in a new city. here i can walk outside where it’s only just getting warm again or use my roommate’s treadmill, which keeps me in the basement with little to keep my brain occupied (even listening to podcasts, it’s the environment that feels weird. i also get sweaty and end up showering in the middle of the day which bugs me more in winter). there’s one big window that faces west in the living room so it’s way too bright if we open the curtains, but i can’t look outside for the most part. i also felt like i had a good excuse to not feel bad for not having a job. i just moved. this time, i left my job because it made me sad. there’s guilt that comes with that, and a lack of hope. 

it’s a small thing, but maybe stuff being on hiatus isn’t helping either. a lot of shows and movies got put on pause so it feels like i don’t have as much a) to keep track of time b) to look forward to. i know i feel better on mondays with ducktales back, but that’s ending in a couple weeks. tma is pretty steady, but that ends in a few weeks too. i dont keep up with timely updates on other podcasts, most youtubers i watch either don’t have a consistent upload schedule or they only upload once a month. netflix doesn’t have any incoming shows or season updates i care about. 

idk how much i can blame not being able to go anywhere, cuz where did i used to go? eating out was a nice break, but it goes back to the only things that i look forward to being things that make me fat. I didn’t go anywhere, I didn’t party, i only hung out with people if we were eating. and because i can’t think of much that i used to do before quarantine it’s like what will the end of quarantine actually do for my mental health?

i know it’ll help somewhat but idk i thought quitting my job would make me more relaxed and happy in a way i didn’t wanna leave for work again, and i feel way better, but my brain also feels like mush at least half of the time

[wtf-eden]

Text  📱 Eden & Aaron

Discord thread featuring: Eden & @aaronhart93

When: October 12th

Mentions: @masondawson

Description: Eden pays Aaron back from this summer when she borrowed money, then they talk about Mason.

Trigger Warnings: none I dont think

Eden.

Apple Pay $1,500

that was from when you helped with my rent this summer

I know you said I didn’t have to pay you back but I feel like it’s the right thing to do.

thanks again.

Aaron

I mean I respect that you want to pay me back

like a lot

you know that was nothing though right?

Eden.

I know you’re like a billionaire so this is pocket change to you]

but I just felt like I owed it back to you.

Aaron.

that’s fine. I totally understand. I’d be the same way

thanks, Eden. I really fucking respect that.

so like

weird thing

but I swear I ran into your ex the other day

mason?

Eden.

it means a lot that you helped me when I needed the help.

you most likely did

Mason lives in kingsboro now

I definitely totally ran into him the other day too

Aaron.

oooo

I thought it was him but I wasn’t sure

definitely him though

Eden.

100% him

it’s weird that he ended up here

Aaron.

did you guys talk?

Eden.

yeah a couple times.

Aaron.

aaaaaaannnnddddd

Eden.

I mean I crashed at his place last night 🤷‍♀️ and Friday 😬😬😬

Aaron.

oh shit

I remember you didn’t really like him though

Eden.

😬 yeah about that

Aaron.

??

Eden.

I might have liked him more than I let on.

Aaron.

hahaha no shit

I know you😂

miss “I don’t do relationships” then dates me

😂

Eden.

okay but like I really don’t do relationships

you were an exception

Aaron.

I’m blushin

Eden.

before you I hadn’t dated anyone since I was eighteen soooooo

Aaron

22 but yes

I see your point

Oh

I read that wrong

sorry Des is throwing a fit

Eden.

but now I don’t know what I’m doing.😬

sounds like you have your hands full 

Aaron.

no it’s good

she’s better now

what are you thinking of doing?

Eden.

glad to hear that

I dunno what I’m thinking of doing.

my brain feels like mush when it comes to all this.

part of me wants to get back with him, but the other part of me says that it’s way too fast.

but being friends with him isn’t possible either

srry to dump this all on you.

Aaron.

no it’s okay I’m glad you’re talking to me about it

I wish I had better advice. I suck at this stuff too as you know

honestly. Follow your heart

as corny as that sounds

Eden.

wow Aaron you sound corny as hell.  😂 😂

Aaron.

I know but it’s true! It’s not always the easiest thing to do or sometimes it’s not the right thing but you’ll be happier in the end

Eden.

I just don’t want to get hurt again. If there was a fool proof way to not get hurt then I’d jump right in

because all the feelings I had in high school came right back when I saw him.

Aaron.

there’s always a chance of getting hurt

Eden.

I know

so you think I should go for it?

Aaron.

I mean he seemed decent

he doesn’t necessarily get the Aaron Hart stamp of approval quite yet

but he’ll get there

Eden.BOT10/12/2020

oh and do all my future boyfriends now need the Aaron Hart stamp of approval?  😂 😂

I’m going to talk to him tonight. See what he thinks we should do.

Aaron.

yes they do.  😂

Luca didn’t get it. Loren didn’t get it. He should consider himself lucky if he does 😂

Eden.

Ah, so you judge all your friends partners.

got it

Aaron.

not judge

just make sure they are good enough for my friends

Eden.

and it sounds pretty hard to get this stamp of approval?

Aaron.

it is

I have high standards

Eden.

oh boy

Aaron.

😂

Eden.

thanks aaron

you’re a good friend

Aaron.

I try

I have some making up to do

Eden.

it means a lot that we can still be friends

Aaron.

your friendship means a lot to me

I hated it when we didn’t speak

Eden.

me too

I’m glad we could work things out.

Aaron.

same

Eden.

g2g, going to talk to mason. Wish me luck🤞

Aaron.

good luck!!

[inthishousewelovepyrrhanikos]

Ta-Da! Here’s my updated RWBY Shipping Chart
Instead of having a bunch of characters I don’t have a ship for, I instead have only characters I have ships for!

**Look under cut for details**

OTPs

• BlackSun -Sun makes her so happy, and when she’s upset she runs to him. He brings out the best in her.

• Freezerburn -These two are great for each other. Yang needs someone she can relate to and who can help her with her abandonment issues.

• Arkos -I’m still on this sunken ship and I plan to stay here. That statue scene destroyed me.

• Renora -Been here since Vol 1 and not going no where.

• Hummingbird -Yeah yeah Qrow isn’t Ruby’s dad but I still feel like there’s a stronger connection between these two so bite me.

• Emercury -Save these kids. Please. Let them be actually happy.

Cuties

• Rosegarden -Oz is there and makes it kinda weird but Ruby and Oscar are cute.

• White Rose -I prefer Freezerburn but White Rose is also cute. "Thank me later" adorable

• Nuts and Dolts -PENNNNYYYYYY COME BAAACK (so I can have my heart ripped to pieces when she comes back in Vol 7 and Ruby hugs her and Penny goes “who are you?” I will be deceased. I guarantee it.)

• Iceberg -Kinda dead now but still cute in thought.

• Gelato -Used to think it was weird but I’m over that, they’re also cute in thought.

AUs

• Crimsun -OKAY WAIT HOLD ON. IT STARTED OUT AS A JOKE BUT THE MORE I THOUGHT ABOUT IT I STARTED TO LIKE IT. Like think about it, Sun is great at bringing out the best in people. In a different time when Adam didn’t lose his fucking mind entirely, I can see them in a relationship where Sun is the one to calm him down and just be like “dude chill you’re fine breathe” I DUNNO MAN IT JUST SORTA HAPPENED. I CANT EXPLAIN IT WELL.

• Raging Bull -AGAIN HEAR ME OUT. (REMEMBER THESE ARE SHIPPED IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE AND NOT IN CANON FOR FUCKS SAKE CALM DOWN) It started as a crack ship but I slowly became more and more serious about it. Because of how similar they are. If some events had happened differently, I could see these two getting along fairly well. Judge all you want this is my guilty pleasure ship. Both are hot headed and aggressive when agitated past a point. ONCE MORE ITS NOT IN CANON. LITERALLY THE ONLY THING THATS CANON IS THEIR PERSONALITIES.

Bromance

•Seamonkeys -Just. Go watch any Chibi episode with them in it. Just. Absolute bromance.

NoTPs

• Lancaster -Still dont ship it romantically. Platonically yes!

• Rosewick -Why is this still a thing I don’t understand. Put this one here just because it still baffles me.

• Bumble/by - …I mean doesn’t really need an explanation. Main reason now is because of how forced it is.

It’s Complicated

• Tauradonna -This one’s complicated because there is a time in canon where I shipped it. Pre-Black Trailer. Before shit hit the fan, before Blake left. Hell, even a bit into Vol 2 I still shipped it. But then the Fall of Beacon happened and Adam absolutely lost his goddam mind (and didn’t even seem like the same fucking character but ya know whatever) I ship it in the periods before the show. Their past intrigues me. Because clearly there was a time when things were different. And there’s still more that we don’t know AND PROBABLY WONT KNOW NOW. still pissed if ya couldn’t tell Like I have so many questions. Did Blake always know about his scar? It sorta seemed like she did? But if she did why didn’t she bitch Weiss out back in Vol 1-2 about the company literally fucking branding people?!

Anyway so yeah here’s the updated chart Sorry explanations are shit my brain is mush and I haven’t watched rwby since Vol 6 ended so it’s not so fresh in my head

[frangipanidownunder]

Finding a Way: fic part 2 of 2

Read Part One

In response to a prompt from @i-dont-wanna-wrestle asking what would Bill Scully Jr’s reaction be to the news of Scully’s pregnancy? Tagging @today-in-fic

She’d missed the 12 week scan because she hadn’t realised she was pregnant.

           “I’ve been missing periods for years. I didn’t think…the symptoms are similar to menopause. I don’t even know what made me do the test. I saw it on the pharmacy shelf and picked it up.” He held her as she shook against him. Even after all their years together, it was so Scully to do this stuff alone. To find out all the facts before revealing them to him. He thought of her cancer reveal. How she’d learned everything she could before presenting the fait accompli to him in that too-bright room.

           “We can still get the scan, though?”

           “I saw the OB-GYN yesterday.” She cast her eyes down, wouldn’t look at him. The flame of fear burst out of his gut.

           “What did she say? Why didn’t you let me come? I want to be involved, Scully. I need…”

           Her hand on his chest quelled his fear a little. “I’m sorry, Mulder. You’re right. I should have let you come. But you’ve been…”

           “Is there something wrong, Scully? With the...?” His breath got stuck in his throat and a vague pressure built up in his temples. In his mind he was saying sorry again. Over and over.

           There were tears shiny in her eyes, loaded, ready to drop. She shook her head. “Not that we could see in that scan. But they’re not always accurate. The risk of genetic or chromosomal abnormalities in geriatric pregnancies is high. An amniocentesis is the best way to be sure.”

           “But do you want that, Scully? It’s invasive, isn’t it? There’s an inherent risk in the test itself.”

           She pulled away from him, sniffing back those unshed tears. “Don’t you want to know what we’re dealing with here, Mulder?”

She spread her hands over her abdomen. He imagined the baby rolling and turning under them, seeking their heat. This baby, like William, was an unexpected invader. They had made love sporadically over the years they’d lived apart. Neither of them really wanting to draw a final line. But since she’d told him, she’d spent more time at the house and eventually, recently, moved back in. The inquiry into the deaths, into Jackson Van De Kamp’s disappearance, was being dragged out. Kersh had approved their leave with pay but only to save face. It was only a matter of time before everything changed. Before everything changed again.

“I don’t know, Scully. I’m not sure I’ve ever really known what we’re dealing with.”

***

Dinner is at 7pm. It’s too hard to get up. The soft bed pulls him further under, a warm grogginess enveloping him. His brain is mush. He remembers feeling like this for years, it’s why Scully left in the end. He couldn’t get up. Life pulled him under, kept him down for days at a time. While Scully worked, he slept and when he did wake, the fatigue made his limbs leaden and he sat in his study while Scully kept them both going.

           “Mulder,” she says. “It’s time to get up.” There’s a whisper-kiss and the faint aroma of Earl Grey. It’s enough to rouse him but when he sees the curve of life at her waist, guilt pinballs through him again.

           The light over the mirror is harsh. Maggie Scully judges him from a gold frame on the vanity. “Are we doing it tonight?” His hair is sticking out. His chin is sprinkled with peppery whiskers. His clothes are rumpled. Bill will see him as he sees himself – old, unkempt, not fit to be anything, let alone a father.

           “We’ve faced worse, Mulder.”

           He lifts her hand to his rough chin. “But has Bill faced worse than this?”

           She lets out a laugh and it settles around his ears. “He’ll come round.”

           Mulder breathes out, leaning on the basin. “I’m not sure I have yet, Scully.”

           Her face falls serious. Her short hair is pushed back behind her ears, like she used to wear it, but twenty years and a late-life pregnancy makes her face sharper in places. She hides the grey. She uses more foundation to cover not just that fucking mole, but her lines. She’s been  taking multivitamins for years, even though they both know they’re about as useful as bee pollen in yoghurt. She does weight training, Pilates, swimming. She drinks a little alcohol, too much caffeine and indulges in Ben and Jerry’s Salted Caramel more often than she’ll admit. She’s 54. He’s 56. The sum of their years is going to catch up with them at break-neck speed. It’s amplified now but when the baby is born, it’ll be blaring out of every speaker.

           “We can’t have this conversation now, Mulder. We have to go down for dinner.” Her hands are kneading her hips and she’s looking at the polished floorboards.

           “What happens if there’s something wrong with it? How can we look after it?”             

The fear spills out and takes the shape of words. She turns to walk out. He swings round to catch her arm. “I wasn’t there for you and William. And truth be told, Scully, when I came back and he was gone the first thing I felt was relief, because I knew I couldn’t fuck it up. I’m scared, Scully. And I’m sorry.” His hands are around her neck, nails digging into the taut line of muscle across her collarbones. Tears sting his eyes but they won’t fall, just stay there, trapped and useless.

           “We’ll find a way, Mulder.”

***

Scully straddled him and rubbed her wet heat along his length. She was full, ripe above him. Breasts heavy, inviting his gentle touch, hair hanging forward as she rocked, soft thighs bracketing his. She’d been sick but told him she needed to feel him inside her. Her mouth pushed against his and he let go of the fear that had balled up in his stomach like a clenched fist.

           She lifted herself up to slide on, taking her time, easing herself down. She grimaced and he held his breath.

           “It’s okay, Mulder. It’s just been a while.”

           “I don’t want to hurt you. We don’t have to…”

           She let her head drop back and he watched her throat as she swallowed and talked. “I want to. I need to. I want to feel something other than nausea and worry. I want to submit to my baser instincts. Besides, the release of hormones will do me some good.”

Her movements were tantalisingly slow, squeezing him. She felt different, thicker, slicker. He had to stop himself from thrusting up too hard but she was flaming around him and his baser needs were building and building. He clenched his buttocks and pushed into her, holding down her hips as he did so.

A pained cry and she sat higher, lifting off him, not quite clear but enough so the rush of cooler air surrounded him. “It’s okay,” she said, voice husky. “I’m okay.”

Her mouth sought his and her breasts fell against his chest. He ran his fingers up and down her spine. Her skin was cool, goose-bumped. “I’m sorry, Scully. Let me help you…”

But she rolled off and went to the bathroom.

***

Tara has cooked a feast. There are three kinds of roast meats, two types of potato dish, pumpkin, vegetable varieties, crusty bread rolls, salads and various sauces and pickles. There’s barely enough room at the table to breathe. Everywhere there is a jug, a pot, a bowl, all perfectly lined up, poised. Matthew has arrived and sits opposite Mulder, a carbon copy of Bill.

           “It’s good to see you again, Mr Mulder.” The young man’s hand is thrust into his, over the glazed carrots.

           “And you too, Matthew. How’s life treating you?” He’s mentally calculating how old this he would be. Have they missed his twenty-first? He doesn’t remember.

           “I’m majoring in Economics, Sir. There’s a post-grad internship at one of the major banks in the city I’m applying for. How’s your portfolio looking?”

           Bill guffaws and Tara smiles as she serves Mulder pumpkin and pork. “Oh, I didn’t check, you do eat it, don’t you?”

           “For God’s sake, Tara, he’s not a practising Jew.” Bill piles beef and chicken onto his plate. “Any wedding plans, Dana?” he adds, as he mounds potato and peas next to his meat.

           Scully, to her credit, simply smiles as she serves herself some vegetables. Tara holds her breath. Matthew pours red into Mulder’s glass and offers some to Scully. She covers her glass with her hand. “None for me.”

           “Oh, Dana, I was hoping to get silly with you tonight,” Tara says, cheeks already pink.

           “I’m not able to drink at the moment,” she says and Mulder notices the tremble of his hands as he serves himself some broccoli and cauliflower. This is it, he thinks. And he finds himself subconsciously reaching for his weapon. His pocket is empty, of course.

           “Are you sick?” Tara asks. Bill watches his sister closely, eyes slightly narrowed.

           “No, I’m…we’re… it’s unexpected, but Mulder and I…” she reaches across to him to take his hand. Warm and soft. “We’re having a baby.”

           He squeezes, tries to breathe but the blow to his guts from her announcement has winded him. Out loud, here, before her family, hearing their news is like listening to the hundreds of people who confided in them over the years of the X-Files, about poltergeists, presences, ghosts, monster dogs, pixies, doppelgangers, unicorns, Yetis, blood-sucking goats and vampires. He shrinks into himself but at the same time knows he needs to be bigger, stronger, for Scully.

           Tara is already around the table hugging Scully before he can even consider Bill’s response, who is watching his wife, his knife and fork clattering to the table. Bill finishes his mouthful, pushes his chair back.

           “What in the name of God, Dana? What are you saying?”

           Scully wrestles herself free from her sister-in-law. “I’m saying that I’m pregnant, Bill. That I’m having a baby. We’re having a baby.”

           Mulder stands behind Scully, hands on her shoulders. She’s tense but he feels her breathing even out and he breathes too. In and out. The pit of fear solid in his gut but anger at Bill’s attitude making it a good fear, a useful fear. They can do this, they can prove them all wrong. They can give this child a life. A good life. A safe life.

           “How about congratulations, Bill?” Mulder holds out his hand. Bill’s hands clench at his sides, his jaw sets firm, his eyes drilling through Mulder.

           “Yes, honey. This is fantastic news. A surprise, yes, but it’s a miracle. A beautiful miracle,” Tara says, kissing the side of Scully’s face. She rushes to Mulder and hugs him close.

Bill puts down his serviette. It flops open on his food. “What will you do?” It’s not even a question. It’s a statement about their life. Mulder almost nods in agreement. What will they do? They haven’t even begun to work their way through this. There’s too much grieving to do, too much processing to wade through. They haven’t come to terms with the impact of losing William, let alone faced what bringing another child into the world will mean.

“We’ll do what we always do,” Scully says quietly, but with authority, with hope, with the sense of belief that they’ve both been searching for. She loops her arm through Mulder’s, tips her chin up to him and smiles. “We’ll find a way.”