#eemelduhh

[eemelduhh]

y’all wanna know what hella hurts?

being drunk and feeling rejected.

yo, i love this man but damn he makes me feel soooo little. 

[eemelduhh]

heeeelllloooo

aye but foreal how am i supposed to find the love of my life if i’m home all day 

[eemelduhh]

To die a young legend or live a long life unfulfilled 'Cause you wanna change the world But while alive you never will 'Cause they only feel you after you gone, or I've been told And now I'm caught between bein' heard and gettin' old Damn, death creepin' in my thoughts lately My one wish in this bitch make it quick if the Lord take me I know nobody meant to live forever anyway

j cole, immortal

[eemelduhh]

i think about dying but i don't want to die. Not even close. In fact my problem is the complete opposite. I want to live, I want to escape. I feel trapped and bored and claustrophobic. There's so much to see ad so much to do but I somehow still find myself doing nothing at all. I'm still here in this metaphorical bubble of existence and I can't quite figure out what the hell I'm doing or how to get out of it.

horacio jones’ insta 

[eemelduhh]

hairy arms

in 7th grade i got bullied for having hairy arms. it happened while i was hanging out with group of girls and i just remember gripping onto my long sleeves so tightly so they would stop yanking on my sleeve and talking about my hairy arms. and yes, they were hairy but man they never bothered me until that particular moment.  within the next couple of days, i remember standing in the shower, picking up the razor and just contemplating whether or not i should just shave them off. At the time, I was more worried about how they were going to grow back (like if they were going to grow back too thick, etc), i didn’t even take into consideration how i was taking away a part of me that was unique and different.  so ever since the 7th grade i’ve been shaving my arms. every single day, you know in the same way you would shave your legs, but my arms are more visible so i would have to shave those more often.  this winter tho, i stopped. i stopped shaving, and even tho the weather is still cold and i’m only wearing long sleeves, i can’t wait for spring to hit to show off my hairy arms.  peluda & proud 

[eemelduhh]

tearzzz

yesterday i woke up crying and fell asleep crying and this morning i woke feeling relieved. 

letting it out feelz good, y’all 

[eemelduhh]

post-eye surgery fun

when you cry real tears of sadness, you’ll have bloody tears. 

[eemelduhh]

so i had eye surgery today

and i won’t go into the gory details but y’all like you have to be accepting of whichever surgery you ever go into.  i feel so attacked. it was just very traumatizing for me.  i’m walking around my house crying because i lacked control of the whole situation.  be aware that i was awake during the whole thing, so the doctor guided me through the whole procedure, she kept asking are you okay, all that necessary stuff. but right now i feel so vulnerable.  

like my eye hurts because someone else went in and jabbed at it.  idk y’all, it’s weird. it just happened too fast and I didn’t really wrap my mind around it.  but i feel like i’m getting unnecessary flashbacks of where i didn’t have control over what happened to my body.  i want my eye to heal and be okay.  i know i required the surgery and i am going to benefit from it in the long run, but it was very very traumatic. 

[eemelduhh]

imelda fun fact

my left eye is totally a lazy eye and i have a huge stye on it right now that might leave a scar and you know i’m just trying to power thru it because if i have a scar on my lazy eye that’s all i’ma focus on and my self-esteem is shit and i already suck at making eye contact  but you know things can be worse, i could be losing my vision or something like that but i’m not. it’s just going to be a new appearance that i have to embrace because i’m already a lil fea so you know this is going to be like a bonus 

[eemelduhh]

1

this December marks one year free from binge drinking

i can’t remember the exact date but it was for my friend’s graduation party, it all started off well but i began drinking with the intent to get fucked up. i started off with a few shots and then played a few games next thing you know the shots didn’t stop coming.

i can’t remember what caused my tears this time around, but i just kept thinking of my little cousin who was slowly passing away in the hospital, the one who i only recall seeing when we were kids, the one who is now gone. and then i would look at my best friend and remind myself of how strong he is because his father passed away and yet here he was surviving amongst the rest of us. those two thoughts absolutely shattered me.

i couldn’t stop the tears, the yelling and the throw up. it was like a college episode all over again but this time it was with my high school friends, the friends who had never seen me like this. i haven’t even seen myself like that.

one year free.

[eemelduhh]

Ya me canse

I'm tired y'all, how do people make it to there 80-90s?

[eemelduhh]

omg i’m missing that connection with someone i’m feeling lonely, does that make sense. i have a lot to say but i don’t know who to even say it to or who is willing to listen and just accept it. uggghhhh

[eemelduhh]

things i like about myself

1. 

fuck this is going to be harder than i thought... i’m going to make it so i add on to this everyday.  and eventually they’re going to turn into things that i love about myself.

[eemelduhh]

I get so lonely, I forget what I'm worth We get so lonely, we pretend that this works I'm so ashamed of myself think I need therapy-y-y-y I'm sorry I'm not more attractive I'm sorry I'm not more ladylike I'm sorry I don't shave my legs at night I'm sorry I'm not your baby mama I'm sorry you got karma comin' to you Collect and soak in it right

sza - drew barrymore

[eemelduhh]

For women in particular, it seems as though Society pressures them into relationships the most. When they meet a guy, and start hanging around him for a few months, they race to pushing for a relationship title and seeing him in the future. One reason why they seem to do that is because Society will say that they are being “hoes” for wasting their time entertaining a single guy for so long. It's like they pressure her as if she must be in a relationship in order to hang around a man and be respected.

Horacio Jones

[eemelduhh]

things i’ve realized...

1. i’m a big home-body -- i enjoy staying at home and spending time online/watching youtube videos or movies 

2. i love to seek adventure -- which totally contradicts the top one, but i’m always down to go to new places, of course, depending on how long i spent out, i’d totally need a few days or hours to recover from being out 

3. i can finally drink alcohol without wanting to get completely wasted which ultimately would lead to my major break downs (involving tears, throw up, and maybe even involve some kicks/screams)