#even my (ostensibly) straight husband talks about how pretty he is

[the-breath-in-air]

Fixing "Boy Erased" (2018)

I recently decided to watch Boy Erased (2018) again, now that we're a couple years out from its initial release (and hype). And I came away with some thoughts.

First, something I think worked. You know that scene near the end, when Jared (Lucas Hedges) is trying to leave the conversion camp and he's racing through corridors and whatnot. That whole sequence works, but there's one moment that really stands out.

Jared attempts to get his phone and Michael (one of the 'camp counselors') tries to physically wrestle it away from him. There's a bit of a fight but eventually Jared makes his way to the bathroom and he calls his mom to come take him away. He then emerges from the bathroom and says to Victor Sykes (who runs the camp), "If you, or anyone else puts their hands on me, I have witnesses." Victor puts up his hands and says, "Nobody's gonna put their hands on you. Why would anybody do that? Come and sit. We're gonna wait for your mom, okay?" Then there's a hard cut to this:

Victor Sykes and Brandon literally laying their hands on Jared and praying. And I love that juxtaposition because it brings to light the violence inherent in this situation. They're restraining him through enforced religious acts. There's violence in this prayer.

And on top of that, it serves as a pretty good metaphor for the whole film. Jared's parents (especially his mother) believe they're helping but really they're hurting. They can't see the violence of their actions in sending him to the camp.

If only the rest of the film was working on this level.

Problem the first: Audience as observer. The film is really about observing its subject, Jared, as he experiences these events. But it isn't about giving us any insight into his perspective or interiority as he does so. The camera is looking at Jared more often that it is revealing to us what he's seeing. Perhaps the most obvious example of this issue is with the perfume ad scene. Jared is on a run and he comes across a perfume ad on the side of a bus stop with a bare chested buff guy. The camera shows us the ad, and then the rest of the scene has the camera (and thus, the audience) placed some distance away as we see Jared first touch the ad, then throw a rock at the ad, and then scream "fuck you" at it repeatedly. The ad itself isn't salacious enough to illicit that kind of response in the average audience-goer, and the camera is so disconnected from Jared's experience that we aren't really gaining insight into why this ad is affecting him in such a strong way. It ends up making it so that scene really does not work.

This isn't to critique Lucas Hedges's performance in that scene. It's more to say that all the other elements of that scene make it feel ridiculous - because the audience has not been guided toward viewing that ad in the same way that Jared does in that moment.

The second problem: Casting. To be absolutely clear, this is not a knock against any of the actors performances. On the contrary, I think everyone was pretty dang exceptional. Rather, it's more a conversation about casting choices. Two of those choices really stand out as somewhat misguided: Xavier Dolan as Jon and Emily Hinkler as Lee.

Turns out Emily Hinkler is a nonbinary actress. Lee (the character) is a cis guy who is conspicuously unmasculine. (If you've seen the movie - he's the one who gets hit in the head with a baseball). Casting a nonbinary actress as a cis boy at a conversion camp feels a bit off on it's own in that a conversion camp would be forcing people to adhere to assigned genders at birth. But I could get behind it as a sort of statement, like, a casting decision as direct opposition to the enforced gender binary of a conversion camp. i.e. Why should the movie adhere to the oppressive gender binary that the camp would? However, by casting a nonbinary actress as the least conventionally masculine character - it actually feels like it ends up reinforcing the binary. Lee's defining trait is that he's small and unmanly and, afaik, he's the only one of the male characters who is not portrayed by a cis man.

My issue with Xavier Dolan's casting is much simpler: Jon feels like he was written as a teenager and Xavier Dolan was approaching 30 when this was filmed. Maybe it wouldn't have bugged me so much if I didn't already know who Xavier Dolan was when watching the movie? Like, maybe if you watch it without knowing the actor's age, it works better? But also, the character feels like a teen but isn't explicitly stated to be a teen. So whenever he was on screen I kept wondering if actually part of Jon's situation is meant to be that he is 30 but stuck in a sort-of adolescence due to his relationship with his abusive father. Or did they just cast Xavier Dolan to portray a teenager?

This brings me to the third problem: Not enough of the ensemble. Jared, and thus the audience, spends proportionally, little screen time with the other people at the camp. They are rarely shown talking to each other - especially outside the restrictive observation of the camp's 'counselors.' This could be part of the point - i.e. that the camp is so isolating - but that isolation wasn't really highlighted by the camera/scenes/dialogue...so it really feels more like it's just an oversight. The movie focuses on Jared and his individual story and so the rest just fell by the wayside.

This is really unfortunate because there are some (potentially) great characters in there, especially Jon and Gary. Jon went through the program once before and is now back for a second time. We don't know what happened to make him come back. He appears to be 30-ish but he's staying at a hotel with his abusive father. He is completely invested in the program and treats his sexuality like an addiction. He has even taken it upon himself to forego all physical contact with other men (not even a handshake). His self-loathing is at once horrifying and heartbreaking.

In contrast, Gary (Troye Sivan) knows the entire program is bullshit, but he's playing along for his own survival. He's over 18; he lived with his boyfriend for a year prior to coming to the camp. So that begs the question of how his family convinced him to enter to the program. Also, Gary's so invested in his own survival, that he stays silent and is complacent in the abuse and violence he witnesses against others in the camp. He is both a victim and a bystander (at times).

I think this film would've really benefited from spending more time with these characters (as well as Sarah, portrayed by Jesse LaTourette, and Cameron, portrayed by Britton Sear) in the camp and seeing how they all interacted with each other. Give us a sense of their different contexts and perspectives - and give us a better sense of the ways that conversion camps disempower the people sent there (even people like Gary, who knows it's bullshit). It's the thing that makes all the other movies about conversion camps work so well.

Which brings us to the fourth problem: the ending. If we spend more time with the ensemble, we'd either end up with a really long movie or we'd have to cut out something else. Well, folks, we can cut about 10 minutes off the end. Everything after the dinner Jared has with his mother post-escape can go. The climax of the film is when Jared finally decides to leave the camp. The resolution comes when his mother places herself in opposition to Jared's father (which she had never done before) and decides that she's going to take Jared home. And the emotional resolution comes when she admits to Jared that they made a mistake and that they harmed him by sending him to the camp.

Everything after that is extraneous. We don't really need to see Jared living in a city with a boyfriend, or see him begin to reconcile with his father. His relationship with his father was never the emotional core for the film. Boy Erased is, in some ways, a movie about self-actualization and that's the sort of movie that's best to end with something a bit open-ended. Y'know...a sort of end-that's-just-the-beginning kind of thing. Because the story of Jared falling in love and dating and moving out and gaining the self-confidence to confront his father - well that's a whole other movie. And here it gets shoved into the epilogue, which does the whole thing a real disservice.

Then there are the informational cards at the end. Two stick out as being particularly frustrating. One, "The real Victor Sykes left L.I.A. in 2008. He now lives in Texas, with his husband," feels irrelevant and unnecessary. The audience cares about what happened to Gerrard Conley (who wrote the story and whom Jared is based off of). But why do we care about what happened to the real guy who ran the camp? We don't...except for the jab about him now being married to a man - which feels like it's a more significant point for the cis straight people in the audience than for anyone queer. Turns-out-ex-gay-pastor-was-actually-just-gay-the-whole-time is not revelatory, I gotta say.

Then there's also this:

The emphasis about conversion therapy "practiced on minors," feels a bit disconnected from the film we just watched - which emphasized how abusive and traumatizing it is, even for adults. And in the U.S., all states currently legally allow conversion therapy for anyone 18+. Only Washington D.C. has banned it. And that, to me, is equally egregious, yet it isn't mentioned. The film itself challenges the notion that it's somehow okay for this to be practiced on adults because it's ostensibly their "choice," and then the info cards at the end shy away from that stance by focusing on kids.

I think the thing I find most frustrating about this movie, is the wasted potential. As I said at the beginning of this, there are some moments that really stand out in how they use the medium to convey meaning. There are some choices in how the film uses light and brightness (or lack thereof), that are pretty dang good, too. But ultimately, it's a film I feel so detached from and I think some of what I explained above is part of why.

[joanofarchetype]

A Connecticut Yankee...a kid...that's all well and good but we really don't talk enough about the werewolf in King Arthur's court

This is not a shitpost — in Le Morte D'Arthur, Sir Thomas Malory makes mention of "Sir Marrok, the good knight that was betrayed with his wyf, for she made hym seven yere a wer-wolf". Of course, Malory lifted the tale of the werewolf knight straight outta "Bisclavret," which is one of the Twelve Lais of Marie de France. And it is...wild. There's also "Melion," an anonymous Breton lai which along with "Biclarel" is believed to have evolved from the same source as "Bisclavret". In this post we're gonna refer to the protagonist as the "knight" or the "wolf-knight" and tell a somewhat composite tale.

(A note: this takes place well before commonly established werewolf lore, which crystallized thanks to Universal's The Wolf Man. Curt Siodmak wrote all that stuff about the full moon and silver bullets in 1941 so well that our common imagination accepted it as ancient fact.)

So anyway our guy is a knight who disappears for a couple nights a week and his wife is like ?????? dude ??????? where ??? do you ???? go ??????

And my dude is like "babe I love you but I can't tell you because you won't look at me the same" and she's like "I am your wIFE you better tell me right quick or otherwise have a good nose for almonds in your oatmeal" (jk she doesn't say that because if she did he might've gotten a little foreshadowing of her treachery, but alas, our man was a sucker)

So the knight tells her he's a werewolf, and on the nights he disappears he's wolfing around the countryside and his wife is like !!!!!!!!!! on the inside but makes sure her face is only 🤔 on the outside

(Mind you, Marie de France goes into how the wife is grossed out because she shared her marriage bed with a beast, which has some interesting implications but we'll get to those later)

She starts digging about his transformation until he explains how in order to return to his human shape, he *needs* to put his human clothes back on or else he'll be stuck as a wolf, at which point wifey is 👀👀👀👀

Wifey's like, "but if ur in wolf form, how do u remember where u put ur clothes lol" and the knight's like, "no no, I retain my human mind even in wolf form and besides, I always put them under this one rock outside this cave"

now bear in mind he's never been able to talk about this to anyone so he's pouring his heart out about his deepest secret which he kept even from his wife & I know we're all pretty used to medieval repression but imagine how it must have felt to share this secret at long last 😥

So to recap:

knight: 🤵🏻🛡🐾🌕🐺🤫😅😍♥️💐 wifey: 👰🏼💭🤢🤔👀🧐💡💡👔💍🔪🔪🔪

Our knight is like "yeah so I was born this way and it's just a part of who I am and whew it's kind of a relief to finally be talking about it with someone"

Wifey nods along 🤔🤔🤔 because she's had a💡moment and is 🍳 up a plan...

so the knight has unleashed (pun intended) his secret for the first time in this life and is feeling just dandy, but what he doesn't know is his wife is already plotting his downfall with her...LOVER (dun dun dunnn)

wifey & her secret lover steal the knight's clothes when he's transformed, essentially trapping him in wolf form, get him declared dead in absentia, marry each other & take over his lands

and the royal court goes for this because at this point the whole kingdom knows about the knight's habit of disappearing for days at a time (because medieval nobles are messy gossipy bitches who live for that drama) so they just assume he abandoned her

*~*ONE YEAR LATER*~* (or if you're Malory, *~*SEVEN YEARS LATER*~*)

the king & hunting party corner the wolf-knight in the woods. knight is overwhelmed at the sight of his monarch & runs up to what for all he knows might be his oblivion to kiss king's feet at which point king's like, "THAT'S NO ORDINARY WOLF. HE SHALL JOIN MY COURT IMMEDIATELY."

the wolf-knight goes to live at court where he's basically regarded as a knight (so the takeaway from this part of the lai is that a literal wild animal had a better chance of becoming a knight in ye olden days than a peasant or a woman but I digress)

anyway so there's a celebration at court and who comes to the party but the ex-wifey's new husband, now a baron. understandably, the wolf-knight does NOT react well and attacks him, and the reaction of everyone at court at this near-mauling isn't to say "whoa whoa maybe bringing a wolf to court was a bad idea" but rather "huh, this wolf has never been hostile towards a human before so obviously this guy must've personally wronged him." which is...progressive.

so the new husband/baron/co-conspirator is all "wtf keep it away from me" and the king is like "idk man, what were you wearing? maybe you smelled like royal beef jerky at the time. seems like you were asking for it"

king & the other barons take wolf-knight to the new baron's property. they just need to figure out what's going on because they're not ready to take sir wolf to his final veterinary visit, u feel? they're attached. now get ready for this next part because it's a doozy.

ex-wifey hears about the king's visit so she's waiting with gifts & cakes & shit. the wolf-knight sees her & immediately BITES OFF HER NOSE & he bites it so good her progeny can feel it & henceforth all her descendants are — I SHIT YOU NOT — born noseless. talk about losing face.

under questioning (*cough cough* torture *cough*) the wife admits to her crimes & yields the stolen clothing, which they put in front of the wolf & he just stares at them until they realize "wow yeah sorry dude our bad" and leave the room to give him privacy

when they see the wolf-knight again he's in his human form and in Marie de France's "Bisclavret" it's expressly written that the king embraces him in the bedchamber and gives him "many kisses" (hashtag heterosexual friends doing heterosexual things)

the king restores the wolf-knight's lands and ex-wifey has to live with her ex-baron in exile, forever marked for her betrayal. some real Mark of Cain shit. (obviously this lai has a lot to say about spousal dissatisfaction but that’s another day’s dissertation)

the wolf-knight (Bisclavret, or Melion, or Marrok, or Sir Wolf or whatever you fancy calling him) not only regains his good name, but also the support of a court which now knows his secret dual nature.

something to be hated or feared, only understood and accepted. no one at court shuns him once the secret's out & no one tries to change or "heal" him of his lycanthropy.

remember when I said we'd come back to the wife's reaction? in "Bisclavret" Marie de France specifically states that upon finding out his secret, the wife no longer wishes to "lie beside him." let's unpack that a bit by exploring similar themes across folklore.

the marriage bed serves as a common motif in tales of animal transformation. ex: in "Beauty and the Beast," the protagonist has to overcome her revulsion towards her suitor's ostensible monstrosity before she can accept his marriage proposal. traditionally these stories with mysterious, beastly husbands who are secretly a true catch serve as an allegory for arranged marriage, designed to help young women process their anxieties about being passed from their father's house to that of a strange new husband.

(we should differentiate these tales from those of an ostensibly appropriate groom who turns out to be a monster in disguise such as "Bluebeard," "Mr. Fox," and "The Robber-Bridegroom," as those deserve a detailed thread of their own but also provide good thematic contrast here)

more often the Beast is kind, patient & gives Beauty the time she needs to the detriment of his own freedom from the curse. once the protagonist gets over her anxiety, she ceases to perceive her groom as just a hulking hairy beast and he can take the shape of a prince at last.

circling back to wolves! in most lore both ancient and modern, werewolves represent something uncontrollable; an animalistic second nature which threatens to literally tear through our well-mannered social façade. "Bisclavret" and its various incarnations don't do that.

if you read "Bisclavret" under a queer critical lens, you can interpret the knight as bisexual; a husband has a secret duality to his nature which he is unable to express in their current social order. significantly, he is born with his lycanthropy rather than being afflicted by the sudden, violent means through which most fictional werewolves are afflicted. it's a part of who he is, and it requires no further explanation or cure.

the wolf-knight finds freedom rather than shame in his lycanthropy, and as a result maintains both honor and control while in wolf form. unlike other famous werewolves, he doesn't function as an expression of tension between the id and the superego.

considering how often wolves are used to imply sexual violence (see also: "Little Red Riding Hood" or its medieval predecessor, "The Grandmother's Tale") this would be a fairly positive portrayal of a bisexual man.

however, his wife doesn't see it that way and is repulsed at the thought of sleeping with him again, so she commits adultery and conspires against him. so really, the crimes in "Bisclavret" have a lot to do with sex, just not sexual violence.

the king's attachment to the wolf & the way he embraces the knight can easily be read as homoerotic. there's absolutely an argument to be made about the normalization of homosocial behavior & male kinship across eras but...two things can be true. either interpretation is valid.

so what we have is a werewolf protagonist — not a villain or tortured anti-hero but an honorable man who isn't made to shed his lycanthropy at the end of the tale (tail). rather, he is accepted by his contemporaries and given a place in society to live as he truly is/ROLL CREDITS

[believerindaydreams]

I was not expecting to channel Tuco Ramirez energies into a young pregnant hatmaker but Carla has very promptly become the sardonic loveable glue in this ongoing ball of poly!energies

This'll all show up on a03, properly edited. Eventually.

Into the fire, part 3

"He's scared stiff," Carla says, looking at Arcade sleep. "I mean, literally stiff. Look at how tightly his hands are clenched."

She fluffs a pillow to put under his head and I'm falling in love with her all over again, just to see her. That calm, sure way she moves, the sparkle of earrings she ground herself from broken beer bottles. Utter self-confidence wrapped in a hand-knit shawl.

"He's not as important as you. Nobody could be."

She snorts. It's cute. "You keep thinking you need to surrender something for me. That's not true and it never has been."

"Might be this time. Uh- we weren't planning to stay in the Mojave. What with him both of us being marked by Legion assassins, a friend of ours was gonna help us get out."

"Ooh. Friend friend, or-" She gestures, disgracefully. Makes me bark with laughter.

"No. Dyed in the wool lesbian. On the outs with the Brotherhood...she says she can get us cross-country. I don't know if it's by Vertibird or what, but if she says she can do it, she can."

"Are you sure she's trustworthy?" Hell, just the way she wrinkles her nose half kills me. Manny used to tease me about the way I'd keep on about her.

That was before he met her, though. "Yeah. If she wanted us dead, she had plenty of chances she didn't take. And we didn't tell her anything about...you know."

"I still say we need a better way to refer to that." A big smile appears. "Maybe we could say baby names. That's personal but not strange in a conversation."

I run my hands along the inviting bump of dress; she's pretty far along now. "What happens when the baby's born, though?"

"We can say we're planning for the next one." She laughs, pins my arms back in a bear hug; and I don't mind a bit. "But hey. If you were planning to go, let's go. God knows I'm hardly stuck on this two-bit town."

Whatever that means. Her Vault had some funny expressions. "I'd like to say it'd be safer to stay put...but honestly, it wouldn't be. Not while I'm still here."

"And I am not letting you wander off without me," Carla says, cupping my chin in her hands. "Bad things will happen. I want you where I can see you."

"...okay. Then I guess we'd better pack. Your sewing machine is under the bed."

"Not anymore," Carla says, tapping a footlocker with her bare toes. "Manny fetched it for me, all the way to Arizona and back."

"Guess I wasn't up to much compared to him, was I."

"Listen," Carla says, her small face suddenly turning intensely serious. "You're here, I'm here, Manny is here. And your new boyfriend. We're all alive, that's what matters."

She makes me blush, sometimes; and it doesn't help when Manny comes out of the bath, drying his hair with a towel and butt naked otherwise.

"Damn. Your Arcade looks cute curled up like that."

"He says it's a habit. Bedrolls aren't ever long enough for him."

"I can fix that with my magic sewing machine," Carla says, grinning dryly. "And I'll make him a hat. That's an important order of business."

"Don't know what I did, to deserve you two...look. You're sure you're okay, him coming along?"

"Would you be here if he hadn't helped you?"

"...no."

"Then let's bring him," Carla says conclusively.

"If it's good enough for your wife," Manny says with a wink, "it's good enough for me. Besides. That ass."

"Definitely one of the more shapely asses populating this wasteland," Carla agrees, straight faced.

"Fuck...you two don't talk about me that way when I'm asleep, do you?"

Manny gives me a patient look. "Don't be stupid, Boone."

"Huh."

"Of course we do."

***

It's ridiculously late by the time Arcade wakes up; and he has a pretty good idea why. There's a part of him that never quite feels safe falling asleep, without the hum of conversation and a trustworthy guard around; and he hasn't really had that since the Old Mormon Fort.

(Avoided going places for exactly that reason, if he's being honest. He's still never seen the Strip.)

He looks at the Sierra armor, frowns, puts on light doctor fatigues instead. It's hot already, that's a fair excuse.

Manny's asleep on a spare mattress, but there's no sign of the other two. He heads out and finds Carla cooking at the motel campfire, a tired Boone besides her.

"Oh good," she says when he approaches, poking her husband. "Boone, go to bed. Someone else is here to play bodyguard."

"Mmm...'s Manny?"

"No, it's Arcade. Go to bed."

He grunts and goes, slightly to Arcade's surprise. Carla looks after him fondly.

"They always were a little paranoid, even when we thought Novac was safe. And it wasn't really good for them, being on opposite shifts...they missed each other." She shoves beans around in a cast iron pan, takes the lid off a milk crate filled with tortillas. "Would you enjoy a burrito for breakfast? Or I can just give you some caps to buy from Cliff, if pre-war food's more your thing."

Right. After being taken as a slave and then dumped into a pre-war casino he is in fact broke right now, at least until he and Boone split the pre-war money stashed in the room. "Burritos sound fine. Trust me, you don't have the luxury of choosiness at the Old Mormon Fort, it's too chaotic."

"Sounds terrible. But then I'm a luxury hatmaker and I enjoy what I do, I'm probably the last person who'd understand charitable impulses." She places a tortilla on a grill to warm. "It did seem simpler in the vault, when we used lotteries and left morality out of it...my other vices include overpacking, an impatience with village idiots who think that three cornfields equal New Vegas, and I will bite you if you hurt Boone or Manny. Hard. Just getting that out of the way upfront."

"Ah." He's been expecting something like this conversation, but had rather expected he'd have to go first. "Um. I'm a poor liar, despite being privy to more secrets than I ever wanted to know. I seem to have mislaid an inherent pacifism in favor of wanting to shoot any Legionary I see, which despite Boone's opinion I can't really see as an improvement. And despite my ostensible position with the Followers, my medical capabilities leave almost as much to be desired as my bedside manner."

"You seemed to handle it well when my husband passed out."

"Battlefield medicine is one of the things I can do, yes. Along with making broc flowers grow anywhere and boiling homemade bagels."

" ...actual bagels? You're hired. Damn shame no NCR caravan imports lox yet, Boone took me to Shady Sands for our honeymoon and that's the only time I've had it...do you want to make bagels? Do you need ingredients?"

"Uh. I would need to buy a few things, yes, and it would take time to grow a new culture." He thinks with a mild pang of the last sourdough he had going, left unattended in a Followers tent. Hopefully someone found it before it started to smell. "What I mostly did for the Followers was garden, actually. We've figured out ways to emulate stimpaks with herbs, but they always put the subject in a fever, and there are ailments that's contra-indicated for. And of course nobody wants that on a battlefield...except the Legion, apparently, they don't seem to care."

"A crafter rather than a soldier. I'm not outnumbered anymore, that's great news." She has buck teeth and it shows when she smiles. "Honestly, I've had to become a regular Crusoe just because the boys aren't. Want them to turn any kind of ammunition into any other kind, they'll do that for you. Anything else, it's strictly DIY." She forks a piping hot burrito onto a plate, hands it to him. "There's sour yoghurt in the fridge if you prefer topping."

"Mmm...this is fine." Better than fine, actually, there's grilled iguana in the mix and a hint of jalapeno. "You've read Crusoe?"

"Oh, we had education machines in the vault, they worked great. Mr Gutsy reading your ABCs to you and blasting radroaches...we were happy." She starts on her own burrito, looking a little pensive. "I'll never forgive Mr House for that, never. Half the kids my age ended up in the Gomorrah turning tricks for sleazeballs, a lot of the others signed up for the NCR and died right away at Hoover Dam...there was a rumor going around," Carla says, a little vicious now. "That House cut a deal with the NCR, so many warm bodies in exchange for not appropriating the Strip. I'd believe it, but then I'd believe anything of the bastard."

Arcade nods, mentally notes one more vice: Carla, for all her sunny disposition, certainly can hold a grudge.

But then, she is Boone's wife; not entirely surprising. "So you got to Novac and hoped it would be home sweet home?"

"If such a place exists, it isn't here," Carla says; and violently pokes out the fire.

[ofsinnersandsaints]

say my name (beg for me)

rating: E word count: 3166 one shot

AO3

Undercover, fake married, shower sex because it’s Kastle Smut Week and why the fuck not

Frank was checking the view from the office window, looking out into the expanse of green grass which appeared almost silver in the moonlight. They hadn’t seen any kind of patrol over the past two days of surveillance but he didn’t want to take the chance. 

“Frank,” Karen hissed from across the room, and he looked up in time to see her kicking off her shoes. “Take off your clothes.” 

He blinked once, twice, three times. Was he dreaming? He was pretty sure he was awake, but other than when he was dreaming, the only time he could remember Karen telling him to remove his clothes was when he was alone in the shower with his cock in his hand. 

“Excuse me?” 

She pointed to the cabinet which had hidden the sixteen screens, cameras which had been posted all around the mansion and-much to their chagrin-their bedroom. On the one of the monitors a woman was walking on the far end of the hallway which would eventually lead her to the office he and Karen were breaking into. 

“Someone’s coming,” she whispered, pulling her shirt over her head. “And they’ve been watching us in our room.” 

He looked up and over at once of the screens and realized that he and Karen had been friendly, but hardly what anyone would considered husband and wife in the past few days. If they’d been watching, what did they think of Frank and Karen Nelson?  

“What better way to convince them we’re married then being found fooling around in their office?” Karen asked. 

He would have answered but he was distracted by the fact she was in a pale pink bra and he could see the hard points of her nipples through the lace. 

“Frank,” she snapped and the sharp sound brought him back to the moment. 

The moment where they were pretending to be married to infiltrate a marriage counseling retreat which Karen suspected was a way for a cult to cull new members. 

Frank had agreed because he’d briefly run out of people to shoot in New York and he’d never been very good at telling her no. 

He wasn’t about to start now, when she was asking him to disrobe. 

Pulling off his shirt he dropped it on top of hers on the ground, then wrapped his rough hands around her waist so he could pick her up and set her back down on the desk. 

She wiggled against him, spreading her legs so he would be centered between the v of her thighs. “Kiss me, Frank. And make it believable.” 

He snorted, thinking that was hardly going to be a problem.  

When he kissed her, framing her face in his big hands, there was nothing fake about it. He kissed her like she belonged to him, licking the seam of her lips until she opened for him on a quiet, desperate sound.  

It had been a long time since Frank had been the seducing type, and he didn’t bother with it now because when whoever would walk in on them finally made it through the door, he wanted it to look like they had been there for some time. 

So he went from zero to sixty in less than five seconds, his hands spanning her ribs, his thumbs resting just below the curve of her breasts. Wouldn’t it make it all more believable if he palmed those sensitive peaks in hands?  

Then she started kissing him back, her fingers with their blunt nails pressing into the muscles along his back and pulling him closer. With a groan he cupped her ass and dragged her closer so she’d feel exactly how good he was at making it believable. 

“Eh-hem.” 

Frank pulled away from Karen, her fingers trailing down his arms as she seemed to struggle to catch her breath. He turned around, keeping Karen behind him because if he was her husband he’d want to protect her from the embarrassment. 

The woman who owned the mansion, and ran the marriage counseling, was standing in the doorway dressed in casual black clothes.  

“Elizabeth,” Frank greeted, feeling Karen’s forehead pressed into his back. “I-uh-“ 

“Decided to use my office for a liaison?” she asked casually, her brow slightly raised as if amused. “I can see that.” 

“It’s an old habit,” Frank covered, reaching down for both his and Karen’s shirts. “Back when I was enlisted we couldn’t ever get any time alone when I was home from leave so we got to finding our enjoyment in less than conventional places.” 

She made a noise in her throat which was understanding if not approval as Frank handed Karen her shirt and put his own back on. 

“We’ll just get out of your way.” 

Elizabeth nodded and crossed her arms. “We’re very accepting here of the many different kinds of relationships, but I would appreciate it if you kept your more intimate moments out of my office.” 

“Yes, ma’am,” Frank put his hand low on Karen’s back and led her out of the room and back to their suite upstairs. 

Karen walked straight to the bathroom where she turned the shower on full blast and Frank, unable to do anything else, followed her in. 

“I can’t believe they’re bugging the place,” she whispered, keeping her voice low enough it wouldn’t be picked up over the sound of the water. There had been sound along with video in the surveillance cabinet. 

“I’m not surprised,” in fact he would have bet on it. “It would make their jobs easier, don’t you think? They’d know all of our secrets, what we fight about, if we have sex. What kind of sex.” 

“Jesus,” she said even she blushed. 

“Good bribery material,” he shrugged, even as he wondered how far down the blush went. “If you’ve need of it.” 

“Well,” Karen folded her arms over her chest. “After what Elizabeth saw downstairs she’s definitely thinking we’re having shower sex.” 

He had a quick image of Karen naked, water sluicing down her body as he knelt down in front of her, her long fingers in his hair. 

She tucked her hair behind her ear, the fake wedding ring flashing on her hand.  

He’d watched her put the wedding band on two days earlier, then the matching engagement ring, with the absentmindedness of someone who was busy thinking of more important things. She’d been talking about the place they were going, Marriage Mansion, a home turned into a retreat for marriage counseling but his heart had been somewhere in his throat watching her wear what was ostensibly his ring. 

In that moment he hadn’t been thinking about the mission, about the details he’d need to memorize so he wouldn’t slip up. Instead, he’d been thinking of Karen in a wedding dress; of taking Karen out of a wedding dress, and all the lovely bits of white lace she’d have underneath. 

He really needed to stop thinking about fucking Karen, or he was never going to be able look her in the eye again. 

“So we should probably stay in here for a couple minutes,” she suggested, her voice a little unsteady. 

When his eyes met hers he could see her reaction to whatever she saw in them, her own eyes widening before taking a small step back until she hit the counter. “Whatever we do in here, Karen, it wouldn’t take a couple of minutes.” 

Her hand come up to touch the necklace at her throat, an odd little strangled sound coming from her side of the bathroom. He wanted to ask what the sound meant, if she was for him beneath those tiny cotton short. Frank wanted a lot of things. 

“How long would it take?” 

He almost missed the question, she said it so quietly, but he could see it on her lips because even as her voice shook, her eyes stayed steady on his. Maybe he wasn’t the only one who wanted things. “Depends.” 

Karen wrapped her fingers around the edge the counter, and he liked to think it was to keep from reaching for him, but damn he wanted those hands on his skin. “Depends on what?” 

On how long he could hold out, on how good she felt, the sounds she made, “On how long it would take to get you to beg.” 

She scoffed, her lips tilting up in that amused smirk he’d grown to love. “You think you can make me beg?” 

He weighed his options, risk versus reward, but he knew even before he started thinking that he’d risk just about anything for her. “I think I’d like the opportunity to try.” 

Karen straightened her shoulders, tossed her hair behind her and looked him dead in the eye; confidence always had been the sexiest thing a woman could wear. “How would you do it?” 

“You should know better by now, Karen. I’ve always thought actions speak louder than words.” 

She swallowed and he had the almost irrepressible urge to taste that spot with his teeth and tongue. 

Karen licked her lips, and he would bet every year he had left of his life she was looking at his mouth when her gaze dipped down below his eyes. But she met his gaze as she spoke her next words, and she couldn’t imagine how weak they made him. “Then let’s see some action.” 

She had taken the door that stood between who they were, and what they could be together, and thrown it wide open. He wasn’t strong enough not to walk through it because he was desperate for Karen, and that was before having ever touched her body.  

Now that he had, there was no going back. 

“Is that a challenge,” he asked, stepping close enough the breath from his words shifted the hair at her temple. 

“It is.” Her breathing was no longer calm as he cornered her against the sink, her pupils so wide he could barely see the blue. “I dare you to make me beg, Frank.” 

He didn’t kiss her immediately. 

He wanted to, God and the Devil himself knew how bad he wanted to, but getting someone like Karen to beg would take every ounce of his skill, a specific kind of seduction. 

So he kissed her jaw, the place hidden just behind her ear, down the length of her neck. 

Frank moved his hand from the edge of the sink and brushed his fingertips along the edge of her shirt, then under it. She gasped and leaned into him, but kept her hands on the sink like another challenge. 

Remembering how she held onto him downstairs he leaned back and pulled off his shirt, watched with a little bit vanity as Karen greedily took in his bare chest. Scarred to shit, but it was enough for her to release her death grip on the marble and touch him. 

He’d had her hands on him before; they’d been on top of each other, thrown together. Hell, just a few minutes ago she’d had her hands on his back, but this was different. Her fingers were a slow exploration of his skin. 

Her palms ran over his pecs, his nipples, down his stomach, and Frank briefly wondered if she was trying to out-seduce him and then decided he didn’t give a fuck. At the end of this, they both won, no matter who came out on top. 

But the challenge had been to make her beg, so he pressed his lips to the hollow of her neck, and worked the drawstring of her shorts, pushing them past her hips and down to the cold tile while her fingertips moved along the bump of his ribs. 

Frank kissed her again, full on the mouth, with all the pent up want he held in him. A year’s worth of want went into the press of his lips on hers, a slippery slide of tongue and lip as his fingers traced over the slight curves of her hips and breasts. 

Even as he kissed her, he acknowledged to herself he could have waited to fuck her; she wanted him and it would have been an easy enough thing to control his desire until they were home, away from the creepy cameras and egotistical counselors, but there was one reason why he hadn’t. 

He wanted to fuck her while she still wore the ring. 

His ring. 

His woman. 

Frank let himself pretend it was all real, including the ring on his own finger which glinted in the harsh bathroom light as he covered her breast with his hand. His fingers toyed and twisted with her nipples, tugging on the sensitive tips as he kissed her over and over again, certain he’d never stop. 

“Jesus, Frank,” she murmured against his lips. 

“You ready to beg yet?” 

She huffed out a laugh, her legs spreading to fit his thigh between hers. “I’ve got more standards than that.” 

“Good, I’d hate for you to make this easy.” 

Frank stepped away from her, tugging her shirt off her and throwing it over his shoulder. Before she could so much as react, he was kicking off his pants and boxers, wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her into the shower, under the spray of the hot water. 

“I’m not naked,” Karen said and he couldn’t tell if it was an admonishment or a tease but he didn’t care. He’d left her in the pretty lace on purpose. 

“I got to say,” he started, his fingers tracing the lines of her bra. “I’ve never been much into lingerie, just seemed like one more thing to take off, but there’s something about you in this pretty lace I can’t get over. It makes me want to take a taste.” 

Frank put his hand on her shoulder, nudging her a step or two until she was underneath the shower head, most of the water hitting him on his back, and covered her breast with his mouth. He could feel the rough pattern on his tongue, pressing it against her as he licked the curve of her. 

He heard the quick intake of breath, felt her legs frame his thigh as she’d done only moments before; she wanted to get herself off. Frank let her while grind against him as he kissed a dark mark into her pale skin but when he could feel her pace quickening her put his hands on her hips to keep her still. He wasn’t about to let her shatter without begging first; that was the challenge after all. 

When she made a frustrated noise he smiled against her skin, “Something wrong?” 

“I’m going to murder you.” 

Frank laughed, certain she could give him a run for his money, but the threat didn’t hold any weight considering she was running her hands over the cropped hair on the back of his neck. She wasn’t going to kill him if she wanted to keep his mouth exactly where it was. 

Pulling her nipple into his mouth he used his tongue against her, knowing the feel of his ministrations combined with the wet lace on her skin would be, at the very least, an erotic sensation. He knew it was working for him at the very least, and the way she was trying to arch into him was a good indicator for her as well. 

There were a dozen things he’d fantasized about doing with her; all kinds of raunchy, dirty positions. He’d had a particularly vivid daydream about fucking Karen from behind in front of a mirror, but that was for another day. 

Tonight, he’d get down on his knees and show her exactly what he’d been dreaming of for months and months. 

Show her how could good it could be. 

His ran his hands down her legs, the sound of Karen’s ragged breathing spurring him on, and encouraged her to spread her legs. She did, her hands trying to find purchase on the wet tiles as he pressed a closed mouth kiss to the pink covering her pussy. 

Frank mouthed her through the lace, the fabric scratched against his tongue and caused Karen to whimper. “Take it off, Frank, or I will.” 

He heard the warning and thought he could probably distract her long enough to keep her from following through but he wanted to put his tongue inside her, to taste her as she rose up and over her orgasm. So he pulled the underwear down her legs and feasted on her. 

She cried out his name, her fingers pulling on his hair as she arched against him. 

But he didn’t want to just to make her come, he wanted to make her beg first.  

Frank pulled back, removed his mouth from her clit and nibbled on the inside of her thigh and listened to her breathing even out and then moved back to the wet heat, separating her lips so he could lick every inch of her cunt. 

He buried his tongue inside her, using his nose to brush and bump her clit so she could never guess when those tight little nerves would be touched.  

When he started to pull away again her back curved, pressing her pussy into his mouth but Frank kept his face just a few centimeters from where she wanted it. “Frank,” she pleaded. “Frank.” 

“Was that you begging?” he asked, a taunt, a gauntlet thrown between them. 

“Yes,” she breathed after a few heated seconds of stillness. “God, Frank. I need to come, please let me come.” 

“Finally,” he whispered against her skin, kissing her leg once before turning to her pussy. “Spread your legs for me.” 

She shifted her feet on the tile and Frank plunged first one, then two fingers deep inside and she nearly screamed as he sucked her clit into his mouth, scraping it gently with his teeth as his fingers pumped into her, the rhythm fast and desperate as she rode him, desperate for her own pleasure.  

She choked out a sound, her body going stiff above him and he nearly came at the feel of her clenching around his fingers, at the taste of her flooding his tongue. 

“Holy shit, Frank.” 

His grin was likely as cocky as he felt as he stood up, but he didn’t care as he leaned down to kiss her. “It’s a good thing Mirco kept our first names for this undercover op.” 

“Huh?” 

“Otherwise people would start wondering why you were calling out some other man’s name.” 

Karen laughed and linked her fingers on the back of his neck, smiling up at him as if there wasn’t anywhere else in the world she wanted to be. 

“Well then,” she put her hands on his shoulders and stepped around him to switch their positions. “I guess turnabout is fair play.” 

“What do-“ he stopped when Karen reached for his cock, still hard and desperate. 

“Let’s see if I can get you to yell my name,” and then she dropped to her knees.

[scully-eats-sushi]

I’m pretty sure that the winter of 2018-2019 will, I think, go down as the biggest period of personal change for me, and for my family, since perhaps I had my first baby way back in 2001.

I spent much of 2017 and 2018 in a pretty severe depression. After my second or third anxiety attack (possibly becoming panic attacks), I was finally ready to overcome the fear of getting help. The anxiety I felt at the idea of calling and getting an appointment for help was overwhelmed by the full-time anxiety I felt in my status quo depressive situation. I got some very good advice, and I finally made a call in the summer of 2018. I went on antidepressants. Two or three weeks later, I felt human again, for the first time in maybe close to two years.

Simultaneously, throughout 2018, I was questioning my sexuality. I had never consciously considered that I might be anything but straight. But all of a sudden, I was having fantasies about women, faceless and nameless, but most definitely women and not men. At some point, gradually over time rather than in a lightning-bolt manner, I came to the conclusion that it wasn’t curiosity, that I was genuinely bisexual.

I thought I had hinted to my husband, @mistersushiman, that I was bi. Apparently I didn’t do a good enough job of it, because when I accidentally-sort-of-on-purpose came out to him in the middle of sex one night in the fall, I thought I was just confirming in words something that he already knew. I apparently floored him, and we had a very tense, emotional couple of days. I hoped he would be accepting, and I assumed that that would be the end of it. I would have to live with the situation, loving my husband, feeling very, very lucky in a good relationship, but never experiencing that other side of myself. I was okay with that, in theory. It didn’t make me entirely happy, but I didn’t see another choice. What did I have to complain about? Nothing. I didn’t want to lose my marriage. I love him, very much.

But Mr. Sushi had a friend, R, an older gay man, who told us to test it out. For many decades, he’s known many gay and bisexual individuals and couples. Maybe I was just bi-curious, and we could figure that out and then put it behind us. We went out to burlesque. Mr. Sushi told me later that the moment he saw me watching the dancers there, he knew I wasn’t just curious. A mere week or so later, we went to a strip club. I got over my fears and started talking to strippers. Of all people, who I, as an outwardly religious woman, would never ever have expected to become friends with, some of them did become our friends. That was late December 2018 through January 2019 and into February.

It became a thing for us to do once or twice a week: go to a burlesque show or go to the strip club or to the LGBTQ-friendly bar, have a drink, hang out. We got to know a number of different dancers by name, and we learned their stories. Some of them surprised me. A couple of them have become friends. I had coffee with A, and I will do so again. She is supportive, a good sounding board, and she gives me good advice. There is some sort of attraction there, but we are just friends at this point. Another couple of dancers actually prefer Mr. Sushi to me, but they like me as well. One of them texts me every so often. Last time she sent me a picture of her dogs. They’re cute.

When we go, we sit, have a drink, and chat with one or two of them for a long time. They will often have deep conversations with us about whatever personal things (for them or for us) instead of wandering the club, looking for clients who want to buy lap dances. We have become good enough friends with a few of them that they willingly forego potentially making additional money to talk to us. It’s that kind of a strange relationship. It’s a strange life. Four months ago, I never ever could have imagined where I am now.

Back to the story of how things have dramatically changed, from the theoretical to the actual. When Mr. Sushi realized that it wasn’t just a curiosity or a minor emotional attraction, we considered R’s advice more carefully. R felt that eventually, the pressure would be too much for me, and our marriage would fail, in one way or another. He had presented another option: we have rules, and we find someone. A “third”, who must herself be single, so we don’t affect any other marriages or relationships. The rules we came to adopt mean that we have no intention of having parallel relationships. We do not shame each other. And we treat anyone we’re in a relationship with as equally (to ourselves) as possible.

We met someone. Ostensibly we called ourselves “friends with benefits”. She’s really become a girlfriend, although it’s not (yet) a long-term commitment. We don’t see her all that often. However, both of us chat with her regularly. The relationship is supportive and mutually beneficial. She likes us, and we like her a lot. Suffice it to say, it was a big shift, but after the fact, it sort of just felt normal, in a weird way. Mr. Sushi has nicknamed her “Cuddlebug”.

I want to be clear, though: our solution is not for everyone. I’m not going out and recommending it to people. Bisexual does not equal polyamorous. It does not necessarily lead to our situation, or some sort of non-monogamous relationship. It just means that our situation seems to fit for us. Having said that, I have chatted with a few other people about it, in an almost universally supportive manner. I know and understand that some people do not approve, either for reasons of it feeling morally wrong or because they fear that it feeds a stereotype. I myself would not have approved if I had thought about it just a few months ago. But I will keep telling myself that I’m still valid, as much as any other person, straight, gay, bisexual, or pan.

Anyway, the other thing is, Mr. Sushi and I have been talking off and on about what and when to tell our children. He told our second oldest child, who is 15, first, about my being bisexual. I could have done it, but Mr. Sushi thought it would be better father-to-son. And he was completely accepting of it. In fact, our son seems to have realized, much like his father, that he himself tends to be mostly attracted to bisexual girls. (Have I mentioned that Mr. Sushi has apparently only ever dated bisexual women? Not intentionally, but he has a type. Yeah, it’s true.)

Mr. Sushi’s mother died on Saturday. We had the funeral on Sunday. Over 100 people attended. He is sitting for the traditional week of mourning afterward, with family members, most of whom have left town and gone home early. He’s discovering that he has less and less in common with his siblings. His father is not doing well, but Mr. Sushi doesn’t have any real way to help him, with all the long-held anger and resentment (from his father, not from Mr. Sushi). It’s a long story. It’s amazing how family members see the family history with such very different memories. I will take Mr. Sushi over his siblings any day of the week. He is a much more kind-hearted, empathetic person than any of them.

And then just last night, Mr. Sushi told our oldest son, who is 17 and more moderately (versus mildly) affected on the autism spectrum than most of his siblings, that I am bi. In turn, our son surprised my husband (and later me, when I heard), by telling him that he thought he was gay or bisexual. What a surprise! And yet, I feel emotionally more capable of dealing with this now, much more so than a couple of years ago, when I might have been much more concerned about how this would be so hard on him, given that he already had to deal with having no friends and anxiety and autism spectrum issues. Not only that, but Mr. Sushi hinted that we had a “friend”, and our son only wanted to know that I wasn’t cheating on him with her. Once he found out that I wasn’t, he was, shockingly, accepting of the fact that we are poly. As was, apparently, our 15-year-old, who also learned of it last night. I guess there is something to be said for being non-neurotypical, where the “standard society norms” just don’t seem to apply.

We haven’t yet told the youngest three kids yet. That will come as it comes, I suppose. But I will probably tell them I’m bi, at least, pretty soon. The added complication is that our youngest two, our daughters, are in a religious school. It’s not going to be shared in the overall community, even though we have been moving away from it gradually and then rather quickly. But they have been very accepting of the girl and boy twins in the scout troop who have two mommies, and of the drag queens that they saw on “Skin Wars”. It’s nothing to hate over. It just is.

So. Major changes. This is now my life. It is a strange, surreal life, but somehow still normal, and much happier than six or twelve months ago. We have to keep talking, always talking, to avoid misunderstandings and pitfalls as much as possible. As much as it seems strange, our marriage is now more open and honest than it’s ever been.

[glasskaleidoscopes]

Chapter 8 - Thursday, November 26th, 2009

Carolyn was shaken awake by Janet, “It’s time to get up honey. The family will be here in a couple hours and I need everyone’s help this morning.” Janet was already showered and wearing dress clothes. Her hair was done up in a twist, and she looked beautiful. Carolyn groaned slightly, then sat up in bed. Janet was having a harder time waking Sam up, but eventually she was able to get the young boy up. Carolyn got up and checked the bathroom. Seeing that it was empty, she grabbed her shower stuff and headed to the bathroom. About a half hour later, Carolyn emerged from the bathroom in a towel, carrying her pajamas. Carolyn stopped in her tracks when she saw Adrian emerge from the boy’s bathroom, also wearing only a towel. He turned, saw Carolyn, then blushed.

“Good morning Carolyn. Ready for Turkey day?” Adrian asked, regaining confidence. Carolyn was unable to speak. Instead, she nodded her head emphatically, then headed to her room. She heard a soft chuckle from Adrian as she walked away.

She got dressed, then went down to the kitchen to help Janet. The rest of the morning was filled with the family following Janet’s orders so that the house could be put together before the rest of the family arrived. Since there would be about 40 people there, there was one extremely long table made of various folding tables. They snaked through the house; starting in the dining room, through the study, and into the living room. Carolyn had been asked to count the chairs, twice, and she counted 42 both times. 

Everyone was dressed in their Sunday best, and they all looked dashing. Brad was even there the entire morning, being very helpful and present. It was about an hour before they expected the family when there was a knock at the front door, then the front door opened. “Hello! Is anyone home?” A deep voice rang through the house.

“John!” Exclaimed Brittany, then she and Trixie both ran to the front door to hug their eldest brother. The rest of the family met John Brudowski in the entrance, with Carolyn and Sam hanging back. Carolyn had met John only once, and very briefly. Even when he did live in the Brudowski home, he was seldom present. Vera had told Carolyn and Sallie that he spent almost every night out with his friends, and had been busted by his parents several times for drinking. John was tall, just like the rest of his brothers, had dark brown hair, and had a coarse beard. Everyone was hugging John, as it was his first time home since he started at U of I. When John eventually got to Carolyn and Sam, he stooped down and hugged Sam, introducing himself, then he hugged Carolyn. “My mom filled me in with what happened, I am so sorry.” John said to Carolyn, then quickly moved onto chatting with the rest of the family. 

Soon enough, the doorbell rang again and the house started filling with relatives. Carolyn and Sam hung around Janet, as she ostensibly had to explain to each of her siblings why these kids were here at their family gathering. Carolyn shook and hugged so many strangers, she definitely couldn’t keep any of them straight. The entryway and sitting room were full of chattering family. Carolyn found herself ping-ponging from relative to relative, each of them giving her their condolences. She was definitely tired of listening to people she barely knew tell them they were sorry her father killed himself. She tried to keep a brave face, and thankfully she was pretty good at plastering on a convincing smile. 

Janet spent most of the early gathering in the kitchen, getting everything ready for the meal. Her sisters, sisters-in-law, and mother were also in the kitchen helping. Although, it really seemed like Janet’s mother was berating Janet for seemingly minor things, while the other women weren’t really coming to her rescue. There were about 15 children that were Sam’s age or younger, and they were mainly in the living room bouncing around. Then there were another 10 or so teens, who were chatting with the rest of the Brudowski kids, minus Sam and Brittany. The men all had beers in hand, and were chatting easily about various topics like the day’s football match or what was going on at work. 

Eventually, Brad let out a perfect dad-whistle to quiet everyone down. He explained that everyone should find their place card and sit at their spot, as dinner would be starting soon. Janet had prepared the kitchen so that the meal could be served buffet style. Countless dishes lined the counter, and the turkey had just been carved, ready to go. Everyone shuffled to their seats, then Brad explained that they should get up table-by-table so everyone isn’t waiting in line for a long time. The teens were placed in the study, between the ‘adult’ table and the table full of the younger kids. Carolyn was sitting in the middle of the table next to Vera, with Jaret on her left, and Adrian sitting directly across from her. They got up and went to the kitchen as soon as most of the adults had sat down, then they piled their plates high with delicious food. They all sat down, and Carolyn remained relatively silent throughout the meal. 

The meal went smoothly, so at this point Carolyn was wondering why everyone had called Janet’s family crazy. After everyone finished eating, they remained at the tables chatting. Carolyn was listening to Vera talk to her cousin about school and how dumb it was, then she would switch and listen to Jaret talk to his cousin about video games. Every so often, she would look across the table and make eye contact with Adrian, but he mainly was chatting with other cousins about various topics. 

A couple minutes later, Carolyn noticed a hush fall over the adult table. She turned her attention and saw most of the adults staring down at their empty plates. The teens soon fell quiet and were paying attention to what was going on with the adults. Then, one of Janet’s sisters spoke, “I don’t know why you’re criticizing me, mom. I’ve spent my whole life trying to please you. I married the man you wanted, had children like you wanted, stayed home like you wanted, but nothing is ever good enough, is it? Why don’t you lay some of your criticism on some of your other children, huh? Or maybe even consider giving them some love.” The woman had stood up and was shouting at the older woman. Janet’s mother’s face remained cold, seemingly unaffected by the outburst.

“Well, Diana, I wouldn’t criticize you so much if you actually followed the word of god. You are a lying whore. Everyone knows that you and your husband haven’t slept together in years because you’re having relations with another man! Mind you, a black man.” The grandmother said, seemingly not caring about airing the couple’s dirty laundry. 

“Is this true, Diana?” A man, who Carolyn assumed was Diana’s husband, said as he stood up from the table as well. Diana was then in tears. 

“How could you say that, mom? Of course that’s not true. Why would you lie like that?” Diana asked hysterically.

“We all know it’s true, Diana. How could you be so naive, Daniel? It is your job to know what goes on in your home.” The grandmother added coldly. The man glared across the table at his wife.

“Tell me the truth Diana.” He said through gritted teeth.

After a few beats, Diana responded, “Yes, it’s true. But you’ve been gone so much lately!” The woman was sobbing and reached out to her husband. 

“You whore!” Daniel roared, then he reached across the table and slapped Diana across the face. The woman gasped, as did the rest of the table. Then Diana ran out of the room. Daniel sat back down at the table, clearly fuming. 

Vera leaned over to Carolyn and whispered, “See?” Carolyn turned to Vera, who looked completely unphased. 

“What the hell just happened?” Carolyn whispered back.

“And this is just two glasses of wine in. You’ll see some real shit happen after 4 glasses. Grandma is a real bitch.” Vera casually explained. Carolyn sat back in her seat, flabbergasted. 

Eventually the chatter started back up again, filtering from the kids, who really never stopped talking, up through the teens, and finally the adults started talking. About 30 minutes later, Brad signalled to the Brudowski kids that they should start clearing the tables. They all got up and helped clear the innumerable dishes. Brittany lead the kid group down into the basement, as most of the adults were happy having them run around away from the rest of them. The twins helped pull down some of the tables in the living room, then brought several of the folding chairs in so there would be enough space for everyone to sit. 

Carolyn was stacking the last couple of plates in the kitchen when she felt a hand grab her wrist. She turned around, but already knew whose familiar hand was grasping her wrist. “Follow me,” Adrian said, pulling Carolyn quickly from the kitchen and upstairs. He sat at the top of the staircase, and Carolyn sat next to him. Her heart pounded as she felt her side against Adrian’s side. 

“What is it?” Carolyn turned and looked at Adrian’s handsome face.

“Oh, nothing. I figured you needed a breather from the lovely Nowak family.” Nowak was Janet’s maiden name. Adrian looked into Carolyn’s eyes, and this made Carolyn melt. 

“Thank you.” Carolyn smiled. She rested her hands on her knees and took a deep breath. Adrian then rested his large hand on top of Carolyn’s hand, and Carolyn leaned to rest her head against Adrian’s shoulder. They sat in silence like that for the next five minutes. 

Eventually Adrian went back downstairs; Carolyn went to the bathroom, then joined the rest of the family in the living room. The rest of the night alternated between people chatting pleasantly, and some drama surfacing with random people of the family screaming at each other. Carolyn sat silently for basically the whole evening, afraid to say anything in case she would offend someone. Finally around 10 p.m., the various parents would go downstairs and bring up small children, then say goodbye to the rest of the family members. The family took about an hour to leave, and the Brudowski family was clearly exhausted by the end of the day.

Tag list: @the-mockingbird-of-neverland

[impartofthesolution]

Luna’s Guide to Immortality

           When Luna moved into the small, quaint town, it was a whole to-do.  The villagers didn’t have many people move into town with an indication they will stay awhile.  Furthermore, Luna was downright gorgeous, and everyone was captivated by her grace, long black hair, round eyes, rosy lips, and full figure.  He skin was also pale.  That, in and of itself, was not uncommon in these parts, but it provided a stunning contrast to the rest of her features.            She had no lack of visitors to her small cottage with its colorful garden and flourishing bushes.  In her first few weeks, every adult, both man and woman, had visited with her multiple times.  Every eligible bachelor made it no secret he was trying to court her.  Even the bachelors already suiting women stopped by often, with their ladies, of course, under the pretense of welcoming the new resident.  Luna also caught multiple women winking at her surreptitiously.            All of that, and she never once gave them reason to think she was interested in that sort of thing at all.  Hospitality.  Grace of form and etiquette.  These are what made her so irresistible, if any villager were to be questioned on his or her relationship with Ms. Luna.            Luna, for her part, came alive during her first season in the cottage.  The novelty of a new neighbor had worn off, but she still daily had one or a few visitors. They came at all hours of the daylight but never at meals.  Meals were the three times of day no one could get her to open her door.  Those who called upon her right before a meal were graciously led to the door, though not a single person could remember what excuse she gave for dining alone.            One day, Henry came to visit Luna in the early afternoon.  It was a bright day, and the sun was out in full glory.  However, Luna was in her house with all the curtains drawn.  Still, she was radiant.  “Luna, dear,” he was one of her more frequent callers, “the garden is looking a bit neglected.  Have you tended it recently?”            “No, I don’t suppose I have.  Do you think I should do something?”  She gestured for him to have a seat, and she pulled up a chair to sit next to him.            “It’s just they were so pretty when you moved it.  I remember how perfect the whole scene was. You’re just so beautiful, the wilting flowers just don’t fit,” he explained himself.  She watched him with an interested expression on her face.  She knew she could do nothing for the garden, but she’d make an effort for appearance sake.            “Of course.  Now I remember.  I’ll try my hand at it,” she promised.  They sat for a peaceful moment.  Henry was admiring Luna, and Luna sat straight with her head cocked, not looking at anything.  Ostensibly, she was considering how to improve her garden.  She broke the silence.  “How’s your back doing, Henry?  I remember you mentioning it has been stiff lately.”            “Oh dear, not much better, I confess.  Some mornings, I can barely get out of bed.”            “You’re too young to be dealing with such things,” she joked light heartedly.  Indeed, Henry only had 26 years to him, but he had seemed to be aging quite fast. Luna looked at him and noticed the number of grey hairs had yet again multiplied.  She smiled at him and absent-mindedly ran her fingers through her lush hair.  The overall effect was Luna seeming to enjoy her time with Henry.  Oh, she was enjoying her time alright, but in a very different way than he was.            The time came for the evening meal, and Luna said, “Alright, Henry, it was so lovely of you to visit, but I’m afraid it’s time to say goodbye.”  Henry nodded and stood stiffy.  Luna accompanied him to the door, and he left with a polite goodbye.  A few seconds later, Henry found himself on the road, wondering, not for the first time, how he got there.            The next day, another of Luna’s frequent visitors paid her a visit. “Trying to save your garden, I see?” called out Millie when she noticed Luna digging in the dirt around some flowers. Indeed, she was not trying to save the flowers, just look like it.  She’d been swirling her fingers around between three holes she dug for an hour.            Luna looked up, “Oh, Millie, how nice of you to stop by. I was just finishing up.  Why don’t you head inside and make yourself comfort, and I’ll be in in a minute or two.”  Luna wiped the dirt off her hands and dunked them in a bucket of water to clean them.  She dumped out the entire bucket on a bush and went inside, leaving the bucket.            Millie looked distinctly uncomfortable as she kept fidgeting in a vain effort to get comfortable.  “What is it, Millie?  Is something bothering you?”            “Well, yes.  I know you’re not a doctor or a priest, but I feel like I can tell you things.”            “Of course,” Luna smiled kindly, and all of Millie’s agitated energy faded.            “My husband has been gone for months, as you know. Off studying at the university.” She paused.            “I remember.  He was packing up the day I moved here,” Luna filled the pause gracefully.            “Oh dear, Luna, I think I might be pregnant.”            “How exciting!  Congratulations.  Does your husband know yet?”            “That’s the problem.  I wasn’t pregnant when he left.”  Luna waited for her to continue.  “And I swear I haven’t lain with anyone since.”            “So what makes you think you’re pregnant?” ask Luna, slowly reaching her hand towards Millie.  “I didn’t notice you showing.”            “It’s not that.  I haven’t had my period in months.”  Luna could tell she was close to hysterics.            “Millie, dear, there are plenty of reasons to miss your period.  Have you been stressed?”  Millie shook her head no.  “Really? Because being apart from my significant other would stress me out.  Tell me, do you have any aches, pains?  Noticed your hair falling out?”            “Well, yes,” Millie looked up, straight at the beautiful Luna.  “All of it. My back has been aching for a month. Every day, it seems like a clump of my hair falls out.”            “It doesn’t show,” Luna assured Millie.            “You really think it’s just stress?” Millie asked, still dubious, but with a glimmer of hope in her eyes.            “I really do,” replied Luna adamantly.            “Good, thank you.  I feel better.  Now I really must be going.  Thank you for talking to me, Luna.  Have a lovely day!” and she hurried off to whatever errand she had.            It was late fall, and people seemed to have all forgotten Luna ever had a garden in the first place.  Its death was so slow that it could have hardly been noticed. Besides, there seemed to be a crippling plague running rampant through the city.  Everyone was either haggard from the effects of it or haggard from supporting an ill loved one.  Only Luna seemed perfectly untouched by it.  If anyone noticed, they might have said she even looked younger, but no one noticed.            One cloudy day, Luna went out for a stroll. “Henry?  You’re looking like an old man!”  Henry had been arguing with a street vendor and turned to start with her, until he realized Luna had addressed him.  A smile bloomed on his face, creasing his skin, and he did his best to straighten up and pretend he didn’t need the cane both hands were using to support him.            “Luna!  You look as lovely as ever.  What’s your secret?  Did you steal my youth?” he joked.            She smiled in response.  “You need to take care of yourself.  You should be at home resting and recovering.”            “If I did that, how could I see you?  My visits are the only thing that gives me joy these days. I couldn’t bear even the thought of not seeing you.”  Luna replied with a polite frown, as if flattered but unable to understand the logic behind it.            “I might know a trick that can help your back. Why don’t you stop by later?  I found a book on physical medicine that might help.”            “Really?” the hope spread across his face, wrinkling it even more.  “Thank you. Yes, I shall be there.”  He stayed upright until she resumed her stroll, then he hunched over his cane and hobbled home to get ready.            Two days later, Millie stopped by, looking much worse for the wear.  She had not been pregnant, so she told herself it was stress.  Even after her husband returned, her hair was still falling out.  Now, she had a few straggly strands still sticking out of her hair.  Her eyes were puffy.  That was new, Luna noted.            “Did you hear?” Millie asked Luna as she sank into a chair.  Luna waited for her to go on.  “Poor Henry died yesterday.  So young. He only just celebrated his 27th birthday.  He looked awful.”            “Oh my!” exclaimed Luna.  “But I saw him just yesterday.  He looked so much better than he has in weeks.”            “Word is that he made it home and collapsed with a really faint heartbeat.  His parents had to move him into his bed.  He couldn’t get up and then died yesterday morning.”            “That’s so sad.  I shall miss him dearly.  Does the family have funeral plans?”  They spoke a bit longer about details and the strange plague and the people falling ill. Millie explained she had fears, too. Luna tried to comfort her by telling her she had nothing to worry about.  It would all end up alright.            “Thank you, really,” said Millie, at the door.  She leaned in and kissed Luna on the cheek. She was about to pull back, but then decided to embrace Luna in a hug.  Luna wrapped her arms around Millie and smiled.  Millie felt a pleasant numbing sensation soothing away the aches that had worsened every day.  Luna broke off the hug, still smiling.  Millie had tears in her eyes.  “I don’t know what I would do without you.”            Those were the last words Luna heard Millie say. She died that evening in the arms of her husband, wishing they were the arms of Luna.  Luna, for her part, acted surprised and sad to hear of Millie’s death. However, though Luna would never admit it, things couldn’t have been going any better.  Immortality was such an easy thing. Back to Table of Contents (x)

[lolainblue]

Presque Vu   Chapter 14

   Cassie came by with a big bag of takeout after she got off work, ostensibly to be Raina's guinea pig for her presentation.  But when she asked Raina if she had heard from either of the brothers again, Raina realized that somehow she had left Cassie completely out of the loop and spent the next hour catching her up.  It felt good to get it all of her chest, to have someone to talk to.  She really needed someone to help her get her head back on straight.  

   “Telling Jared you're seeing someone else is not the same thing as telling him you're sleeping with his brother.” Cassie pointed out.  “And you know it.  That's why you're having panic attacks again if you ask me.”

   Raina groaned. “Attack.  It was just the one.  And Shannon was completely chill about the situation....”

   “... which he also doesn't know the full truth of," she scolded. "Come on Raina.  Just tell them. You've come this far.  It's going to be so much worse if they find out on their own.  They might not mind as much as you think they will.”

   Raina started clearing the takeout containers while Cassie put her feet up. “Jared is already not happy there's someone else.  He's kind of possessive I think.  Which is ridiculous because it's not like we're pretending he's not seeing anyone else.  I bet he has a whole little harem on call.”

   Cassie tucked a pillow under her heels.  “Does he? Do you know that? Did he tell you that or are you just making more assumptions?”

   “He didn't deny it,” Raina answered as she sat down next to Cassie. She and Jared were doing such a ridiculous dance around each other and she knew it.  She just didn't know how to break the cycle. “We'll figure it out, Cassie.  I mean, you're probably right, we should all sit down and have a talk but I don't think anyone is really ready for that.  At least Jared and I aren't.” She reached over and picked her tablet up off the table and opened her presentation notes.  “So are you going to  help me with this or what?”

   Cassie left just before midnight.  Raina felt drained from a day that had started off rough and seemed to stretch on forever but at least she was confident about her final tomorrow afternoon.  She checked her phone before getting ready for bed and noticed several text messages from Shannon that must have come in while she was working.  He wanted her to call, and the most recent message was only about twenty minutes old so she figured he was probably still up.  She thought about just taking a shower and going to bed, she was exhausted, but thought maybe she had enough time for a short conversation.  She dialed his number.

   “Hey Rainy Girl,” he greeted her.  He sounded sunny and happy and Raina immediately started to smile.

   “Hey Shannon, what's up?”

   “Not much now.  Rehearsed kind of late tonight, we've got the tour coming up soon but I'm just hanging back at home now.”  I guess that's what Jared was referring to when he said he was pretty busy the next few days, Raina thought.  “I was just thinking about you.  Did you say that big final thing was tomorrow?”

   “Yeah, it is.  Tomorrow afternoon.  Cassie just left a few minutes ago, as a matter of fact, she's been helping me get ready all night.”

   “I was just thinking if it goes well …. and I'm sure it will...” Shannon added hastily, “then maybe we can go out to celebrate?  I mean I'm sure your friends or classmates or someone is taking you tomorrow night but maybe this weekend?”

   Clearly, Shannon thought she had a much more active social life than she did. “No, Cassie was over here helping me tonight but she and her husband have plans tomorrow, it's her mother-in-law's birthday.  I'll probably just buy myself an extra nice bottle of wine on the way home or something.”

   There was a long pause on the line.  “Raina, I don't want to sound like an ass, but don't you have anyone else? Cassie is the only person in your life you ever mention.”

   Raina felt that lump return to her throat, the same one she had gotten when he had asked her questions before, when Jared had told her to take care of herself.  Sadly, her emotions were no more under control than they had been this morning.  “I'm very busy,” she told him, trying to make excuses.  “I don't really have time to socialize much.”

   “You've found time for me,” Shannon pointed out.  Yes, but when you get to asking too many questions I can just stick my tongue down your throat and shut you up.  “Look, I'm sorry, it's not any of my business I know. But you should have someone.  Let me take you out for a nice dinner tomorrow night to celebrate.  It can be just as friends.  I'd like it if we were friends too.”

   Raina wanted to cry in frustration.  These guys were not going to let her off the hook as easily as she thought they would.  Weren't men only supposed to be out for one thing? Maybe they were right though.   It wasn't like she thought any of this cutting herself off from other people was healthy.  It was just safe and familiar and, at least until recently, far easier.  She'd made friends with Cassie and the world hadn't come to an end.  Maybe she could make friends with Shannon too? “Okay,” she conceded, “I think that might be nice.”

   “Great!” She could hear the enthusiasm in Shannon's voice.  “It might be kind of late, we're rehearsing again tomorrow but I think Jared has this charity thing he's doing either tomorrow or the next night.  I can't remember which one but obviously if it's tomorrow we won't be rehearsing late at all.  I'll call you when I know more okay? And you call me after your final?”

   Raina realized with a sense of panic that if they were going to be together tomorrow calling to tell them her presentation was done was way too dangerous.  “Just call me once you're out of rehearsal.  I'll surprise you when you pick me up.  It will either be a celebration or consolation evening.”

   Shannon laughed.  “Okay, have it your way.  I'll see you tomorrow.”

   The presentation went outstandingly well.  The proctors were blown away, and stayed more than a half an hour after everything was supposed to be done to continue to discuss her work and ask questions about her plans for the next year.  She may have been a mess with her personal life but it was good to know that academically, professionally, she was the same superstar she always had been.  Maybe she hadn't completely lost herself after all.

   Fate cut her another break when Shannon called just as she was driving home.  Apparently whatever Jared's previous commitment was had caused them to break rehearsal exceptionally early.  She went ahead and told him how well everything had gone, she was bursting to tell someone, made plans for him to pick her up and then, after confirming he was in his car, alone, headed for his own house, she called Jared.  He wasn't able to stay on the phone with her long but gave her a hearty congratulation and promised they would do something special when they got together again.  They made plans for that coming Thursday before hanging up the phone.

   It was just a 'friends' thing, and Shannon had told her to dress casually, so Raina didn't have particularly high expectations but when he pulled up at the Chophouse Shannon had been raving about she started to wonder if even the jeans she had chosen left her overdressed.  It was dark and windowless and in need of paint and looked for all the world like it housed a seedy strip club.  Inside was better, but the red velvet seatbacks still carried a certain vibe.  With her permission, Shannon ordered for both of them.  

   What came out was a steak almost as big as Raina's head served with crispy potatoes and creamed spinach.  It was the best steak she had ever eaten in her life.  Shannon laughed at the way she tore into it after the doubtful looks she had given him from the minute they pulled into the parking lot. Once they had finished they lingered for a while, chatting over whiskey flights and cigars and a bourbon pecan pie that Raina said was easily the best thing she had ever had in her mouth. Shannon cocked an eyebrow at that statement but she had just given him a playful shove and kept on eating.  Her life had taken a mercurial turn since yesterday morning and she felt happy and relaxed for the first time in ages.

   “Hey, I know this is just supposed to be friends celebrating, but would you like to come back to my place?  I could put on a movie or something.” She asked as the waiter dropped off the check.  

   Shannon just flashed that big smile that had been melting her since their first date.  “I'm not doing anything else.”

      Raina really had intended for it to just be movies and conversation, and once they got back to her place, that was how things had started. But they had found themselves edging closer and closer on the sofa as the movie played, then Shannon had his arm around her, and by the time the credits were rolling no one was looking at the TV screen anymore.  Shannon had her stretched beneath him on the sofa, their lips locked tightly together as his tongue made long slow passes against hers.  There was no urgency to it, they were simply enjoying the feel of each other as his hands unhurriedly explored Raina's curves.  He felt warm and heavy against her, and there was a certain peacefulness to it that topped the day off perfectly.  When Raina's foot began to fall asleep Shannon sat them up, pulling her into his lap, his hands resting lightly on her thighs while she straddled him. He let his kisses trail lower, and when his stubble brushed the tender curve of her neck a giggle escaped her lips.

   “I love the way you laugh,” he told her, brushing his rough chin against her again.  As she giggled his slid his hands up to her sides and began tickling her.  She fought merrily to get away, and they ended up tumbling onto the floor, her face down on the brightly patterned throw rug and him across her as he danced those fingertips mercilessly across her exposed skin.  When they slipped under the back of her shirt he came to a sudden halt.

   “What the fuck Raina.” Shannon pushed the back of her shirt higher.  She was momentarily confused until she remembered the bites Jared had left behind.  They had ached when she brushed against them and stung when the shower hit them but she hadn't checked to see how dark they actually were, had forgotten about them completely with everything else that was going on.  Quickly she sat up and pulled her shirt back down but the damage was done.  

   Shannon looked at her, waiting for an explanation but she didn't know what to say.  He didn't look jealous.  He looked worried.  She wished now she had looked at her back in the mirror.  Just how bad was it back there?  Cautiously, Shannon reached towards her again, gently turning her and raising the shirt up.  She didn't try to stop him, there was no use hiding what he had already seen.

   “Raina those are bite marks,” he observed.  He ran his finger over one of them and she could feel how tender it was with the direct contact but she managed to avoid wincing.  That would have only made it worse. “Do you know how deep these are?”

   Feeling like Shannon had seen enough, she pulled her shirt back down.  He just yanked it up again, this time without the gentleness.  “This is too much.  You need to stop seeing this guy.”

   Raina sighed.  “It's not like that. It's not like he forced me into anything.” She pulled her shirt down again and spun around before Shannon could go in for yet another look.  The angry expression on his face made her wonder just how much he knew about his brother's proclivities.  Maybe he only disapproved because it was her?

   “I'm not saying he did.  But there are a couple of places back there where it looks like he broke the skin.  That's not playing.”

   No, it hadn't been playing.  Jared had been doing exactly what she thought he was doing at the time – marking his territory.  He wanted to be sure that her other lover saw it.  Well, mission accomplished Jared.  She tried to minimize.  “I'm not sure how it looks but really, it wasn't that rough at the time.  I guess I just mark up easily.”

   Shannon got up and pulled her to her feet before leading her into her bedroom.  He stood her in front of the mirror on her closet door, turned her around and lifted her shirt up again.  What Raina saw made her jaw drop.  No wonder Shannon was angry.

   Both sides of her spine were lined in round bruises, the lower ones where Jared hadn't been able to dig in as well from the position they were in were just regular bluish-purple marks.  But they got progressively darker as they got higher.  The real problem was the one right behind her right shoulder blade.  It was about three times the size of the others and an ugly black color.  You could still clearly the outline of Jared's teeth where he had bit the spot repeatedly.  How it wasn't more painful was beyond her.  Had he known he was doing this much damage at the time? Had he been waiting for a safe word that never came? How the hell did it get this wildly out of hand?

   “Tell me again how rough he wasn't,” Shannon said, his eyes dark and angry as they both stared into the mirror. Raina let her shirt fall back down a final time and turned away.  

   “I don't know what to say.  It wasn't like that.  At least it didn't feel like that...” She suddenly wasn't so sure though,

   Shannon wasn't having any of her deflection. “You need to stop seeing him. You're lonely.  He's taking advantage of you.”

   What the hell? “Okay, you need to stop right there.  You don't know anything about that relationship and you're making assumptions. Wrong ones.  It isn't like that with us at all.”

   Shannon folded his arms.  “Well I'm only working with what is in front of me Raina but I see someone who cares so little about your safety that he left marks so deep I'm wondering if we don't need to take you to the doctor.”

   “Now you're exaggerating," she told him in frustration, but his words had instilled a little doubt in her.  Jared had been very careful to be sure that he had her permission before they had done anything rough, he had checked on her comfort levels as they went along, she had never once felt like she was being used or victimized.  She had been quite sure at the time that if she had asked him to stop he would have done so immediately.  But she hadn't tested that theory, hadn't so much as made the tiniest protest of his treatment.  Was he really looking out for her if he could leave that kind of damage?

   She thought of the way he had tucked her in before leaving that first night, the dorky way he had texted her from Australia, the way he had worried about her when he found her on the sofa, the way he had gone shopping and made sure she had decent food to eat.  Sure, he was a little controlling, but she liked that.  He was also caring, and had been kind and patient with her even when she had been difficult.  He would probably be as surprised as she was with the severity of that bruise, she imagined. And then she was angry at Shannon for making her doubt him.

   “I think it might be a good idea if you went home now,” she said, turning away from him.  

   “You're kidding me.  He does that to you and I'm the problem?” When she didn't respond he laid one large hand gently on her shoulder.  “I'm just trying to look out for you.”

   “I know." She did.  She got that.  But this was a lot to sort through and she was no longer in the mood for their makeout session. "Maybe I just have some things to think about.”

   Shannon sighed.  “That I can agree with.” He stepped around in front of her and wrapped her in a ferocious hug.  “Don't pull away on me. You can talk to me about anything.  I meant what I said about being friends.”  He gave her a light kiss on the cheek.  “I'll let myself out.”

@msroxyblog  @nikkitasevoli  @maliciousalishious  @meghan12151977 @snewsome756 @fyeahproudglambert

[lorainelaneyblog]

I'm at Brian's work and we go to do a test drive. The woman places me in the front. When we stop the design is ridiculous, there are two long arms with the wheels which retract. I kiss Brian, and he kiss me back, more openly, and I say, 50 Cent will be upset unless it is the chastest of kisses. He kisses me again, and puts his tongue in my mouth. The woman is sightseeing over a cliff, and Brian hands me their courtesy umbrella, with some explanation to keep it. And that's it.

There may be more but Patrick Crean in heaven asked me not to cater to the husband's demands with dreams. 'She's not going to write dreams on demand,' I said. 'It's enough that she has to have sex.'

Brian - Not as pretty as he really is, his teeth have spaces and stick out a bit. I keep questioning this to myself, because everyone said he's handsome. I don't know who I think I am, but it is the usual thing, I just go with it.

Me - disgusting, I just go with people I'm not very attracted to, it's horrible, because it's bad for them. What is wrong with me? I'm so desperate for love that I use people whom I don't find attractive. I even kiss him.

The car - It's bizarre. I have been warned, by Brian, on the ether, against designing cars in my dreams, and I would, certainly, agree, even at a spatial deficit, it would appear that the car wouldn't roll. The design is counter to forward motion. Why? It's an M. The outer lines of the M, come out at an angle, so stupid, and then retract straight. When we get out, and I would say I'm pretty chuffed that I get to ride in the front, I look back while the wheels retract, and also one side goes in first. Also, while we are driving, I ask Brian about test drives and the depreciation of the car. And he tells me something like a hundred dollars, or something, and I ask who pays the depreciation and he says, "I do," but not before he tells me "We don't discuss that in front of the customer."

The customer - A woman, a nice woman, a basic woman, she could even be a prostitute. I may even wonder if she can afford the car. I wonder about test drives and how many are legitimate, and Brian says something like, we don't do test drives all the time, like they are selecting who gets to go on one.

Test drives - reminiscent of "try before you buy." Why am I kissing him against Fifty's wishes? I have done so many things in dreams against Fifty's wishes. And when I say it, he tries all the more. Brian has asked for a car job. And Fifty says no. Fifty doesn't want me away from him unless I'm at home. I reiterate, "So whatever the car is worth when it sells, is what you get." And he agrees. Of course, he gets a percentage, as a salesman. I'm very proud of Brian, he makes less than anyone in the family though. It is incredible that a woman, me, can be such a greedy, judgmental bitch despite having nothing, and making nothing of myself. I am nothing.

The umbrella - It's a courtesy umbrella with the name of the company on it. I doubt whether he can legally give it to me.

I don't like his look, I call him a liar, I think his car is stupid, and I still go ahead and cheat on 50 Cent. What a gal.

The woman customer looking over the cliff - despite that she's probably wrangled a test drive, she's a better woman than me. There's even a hint that she's gleeful for being a better woman than me. Gleeful.

The woman as gleeful - sure of her decisions in love. She deserves a test drive because she didn't mislead Brian. Why does she put me in the front? Why does she feel comfortable in the back? The front is usually reserved for a partner, and that's what I'm passing myself off as. Nice.

50 Cent - Not in the dream, but, clearly, he is in charge of me. I have no natural faithfulness, it is emerging, every resistance I blame on him. I have wondered a lot in light of my theory of exposing girls and women to men under equality, how much bad decisions are to be blamed on men, and, whether, in fact, women are naturally less faithful. I don't know. It would be nice if I could feel like I didn't want to kiss Brian for faithfulness, rather than for fearing discipline. 

Talking to Brian on the ether, he wonders why I think he's not handsome. Why is Brian not handsome in the dream? 'God?'

Yes, Loraine.

'I find Brian handsome, he's unequivocally handsome. Why do you suppose..?'

'Sometimes dreams morph people for a purpose. What do you think the purpose is?'

'I think maybe, is he? Is Brian the example of a man in the family who has less money than me?'

'Yes, Loraine. He has less money than you. What does that mean to you?'

'I want to help him buy things then.'

'Like what? My purple shirts?'

'Yes, like your day to day needs. Is that insulting?'

'Why am I ugly though?'

'I'm a faithless, old, slut is why.'

'Oh, I see. So even though you're into me, ostensibly, you'll cheat on 50 Cent though I'm not your type?'

'Maybe it's to do with the car job. It figures fairly heavily.'

'Why?'

'Because it was over that that Fifty decided I would never leave the house without him.'

'Oh. And I brought you to work. Did you want to kiss me?'

'I would say yes.'

'Why?'

'In the dream, we were bonding, over what I don't remember. And I snuck it in real fast. I thought I could hold the line, I guess. But you can't arouse a man and then deny him, I suppose.'

'Right, Loraine.'

'That was interesting, because you purposely retaliated to my admonishment with a more invasive kiss. You weren't having it.'

'Oh, I see. Did I want the other woman?'

'I don't think so. There's no sense of you wanting me either though.'

'I don't want you if you're not attracted to me.'

'No. This is going to be brutal. I will have to say exactly what it is, and risk rejection.'

'That's true. So let's leave it. You like me, though. You wanted me a bit in the dream?'

'I want you a lot more than that dream.'

'Why, cause I'm smart? Cause I'm rich? Cause I have wheels? Why? You're shallow and greedy and superficial, Loraine. And a cheater. And non fidelous. We'll have to watch you all the time.'

'Are women inherently less fidelous, Lord, notwithstanding the seduction from men?'

'No, Loraine, it is the seduction from men which takes them by surprise, and that is why the route to fidelity in women is the avoidance of the company of men while alone, Loraine. Men don't care about your affiliations, Loraine, unless they respect the husband, and, if the get wind of a temptation in a woman, they will take advantage, despite the loyalties among men.'

'And then they tell them after, and preserve the friendship?'

'Right, Loraine. It's brutal, but it's true. Now smoke, Loraine. Finish it. You have an 8 o'clock appointment, Loraine.'

'Oh, yeah. Thank you, God.'

'You're welcome, Loraine. Smoke. Finish it.' 

‘I have to answer your question.’

‘Which?’

‘Yes, I kiss you even though you’re not my type.’

‘But you like me in real.’

‘But I don’t know you in real.’

‘Why are you so picky?’

‘She’s not, says God, she’s not picky enough.’

‘Oh. Maybe I’m ousted. We haven’t really answered the question of why I’m not attractive here.’

‘Right.’

I’d leave it, says God.

[recentanimenews]

7 Anime Characters Who Can Beat the Crap Out of Goku

Editor's Note: This is a republication of a feature by Peter Fobian that originally appeared on Crunchyroll News on 10/15/18.

---

Depending on who you ask, April 16th is kind of an important date in the Dragon Ball fandom. Rightfully or not, some people have taken to using the day to celebrate Goku. Since his actual birthday is unknown, any day in 365 seems just as good, but what about Vegeta? Since we're just about to hit the point in the year furthest away from that fateful day, I figured now was as good as any day to celebrate the Prince of All Saiyans. And what better way to celebrate Vegeta than by writing about a subject near and dear to his heart: beating the shit out of Son Goku.

It’s been a while since Vegeta delivered anything approaching a decisive defeat to Goku. Since Namek, Vegeta’s been chasing after Goku’s accomplishments. Goku’s been beaten before, but he’s rarely received what we’d colloquially refer to as an “ass-kicking”--I’m talking not even putting up a fight. As the one often on the wrong end of a beating before Goku earns a new accolade, Vegeta might enjoy watching any of the following duels to see Goku getting dropped in a trash can for a change.

Accelerator - A Certain Magical Index

If I had to think of one guy who perfectly counters Goku, it’s probably Accelerator. His vaguely-defined vector manipulation power perfectly neutralizes Goku since it can redirect force, which is the only thing in this world that Goku understands. If his claims are to be believed, Accelerator could even survive something like the destruction of the planet, which Goku didn’t seem too confident about. The only way I can see Goku winning is using Instant Transmission to drop Accelerator off in space, but at best that would probably be mutually-assured destruction. Accelerator can redirect your blood with physical contact, and heart disease is one of the few things to have canonically killed Goku.

Himiko Toga - My Hero Academia

I’m not saying she could win in a stand-up fight, but it would never come to that--if there are two things Goku is afraid of in this word, one of them is syringes. With a necklace made out of jet-powered hypodermics, Himiko is basically represents a real-life walking horror movie too insane to recognize the difference in their power. The moment he discovers she plans to draw his blood, Goku’s number one strategy would become fleeing in terror. Himiko could never catch up, but Goku would forever live in fear, and imprinting that sort of psychological trauma is more meaningful than any bruises or broken bones. Basically I’m saying she might not beat the shit out of him, but she’d definitely scare it out of him.

Yami Yugi - Yu-Gi-Oh!

I’m just gonna come out and say it: no way Goku is ever gonna beat Yami Yugi in a straight-up duel... I’m honestly not even sure if he can read? No way a guy who believes so completely in his own fighting ability has the capacity to trust in the Heart of the Cards. Also, Yugi straight up cheats, using banned cards like Pot of Greed. On the plus side, we already know Goku can survive a trip to the Shadow Realm without too much trouble--Garlic Jr. wouldn't be much threat to a Super Saiyan.

Takumi Fujiwara - Initial D

For someone who can travel across infinite distances instantaneously and move faster than the human eye can follow, Goku’s reaction time plummets to geriatric levels the moment you put him behind the wheel. Cars may actually be some sort of Kryptonite-like weakness for him--he’s just shit at driving. Not even the overwhelming advantage of flying a hover car would be able to prevent a race from ending with Goku ruining another one of Akira Toriyama’s magnificent vehicle designs in an embankment... or would drifting be harder without friction?

Madoka Kaname - Puella Magi Madoka Magica

This one is pretty simple: Goku has yet to defeat a god, and Madoka is one. In Madoka’s case, we’re talking one of those history-rewriting, dimension changing, Zen-oh-level deities. Since she can canonically change how entire systems of magic work, having essentially solved the magical heat death of the universe, Madoka could pull tricks like turning effective power levels into quarts of gravy--this a pure discrepancy-in-power thing. Also, magical girls specialize in exterminating witches, and I’ve got this killer theory about the Dragon Balls and Grief Seeds which I can't get into right now.

Simon - Gurren Lagann

Goku’s pretty strong, but I don’t think he can KO the entire Milky Way. This is just a matter of size. How’s Goku supposed to beat a mech so big it uses spiral galaxies as shuriken? Good luck finding a cockpit in a robot 80 billion light years across. Even if he did manage to land a hit on Simon, the Gurren Lagann can keep its pilots alive despite fatal injury, so long as Simon's fighting spirit isn’t dead, I guess this really wouldn't even be a duel so much as the Gurren Lagann accidentally destroying Goku along with whatever planet he happens to be on during some bigger, more important battle.

Chi-Chi - Dragon Ball

  If caring about someone means giving them the ability to hurt you, then Chi-Chi might be the greatest strategist in the history of war. After getting Goku to marry her, she became his greatest weakness and, ostensibly, the greatest warrior in the galaxy. After losing to Goku once, Chi-Chi husbands Goku and never loses a (canon) fight again. Since needles aren’t alive, Chi-Chi is the only being in the universe he’s actually afraid of, reacting to her raised voice like Vegeta when the God of Destruction drops in for a visit. The guy obsessed with fighting never wants to take on Chi-Chi. I can only assume that’s one of the reasons why he’s always running away from home.

That’s the list. All pretty one-sided fights, I’d say. Even if Vegeta can never hope to catch up to Goku, I hope he can at least find some solace in the idea of someone else delivering the beat down. Whenever his birthday is, I hope Vegeta enjoys it.

Know of any other characters that would kick Son Goku’s ass? Let us know in the comments below!

---

Peter Fobian is an Associate Features Editor for Crunchyroll, author of Monthly Mangaka Spotlight, writer for Anime Academy, and contributor at Anime Feminist. You can follow him on Twitter @PeterFobian.

By: news+feed@crunchyroll.com

[melledotca]

Podcasts

I ported Parts 1-5 over from my old WordPress blog, and have updated those since. From then on has been added anew as I’ve started listening to new stuff. First post was back in 2010, so some of these I stopped listening to (or they ended) years ago. YMMV.

Part 1

A History of the World in 100 Objects

Andrew turned me on to this one, which comes to us from the BBC. If you've ever watched a show like Britain's Secret Treasures, this is quite similar, and one of the objects featured so far is one that was also on the show.

Each podcast they feature an item from world history and talk about what it is, when and where it came from, what it was for, and other socio-cultural contexts, often with interviews with really interesting folks. And there is some Attenborough. :)

Answer Me This!

Two British people get questions in from all over the world, though mostly from other British people, about anything and everything, and then they endeavour to answer them. Some of them relate to trivia, some actually require a bit of research about origins and such, and some of them are filthy and funny. Cuz, y'know, it's the internets. Host Olly really, really loves his cat, Coco, and Helen hates cats.

How Stuff Works

These were some of the first podcasts I started listening to. Stuff You Should Know has been going for a decade now, and while I listened to hundreds of episodes, I stopped listening some time ago. The landscape just filled up with too much more interesting stuff. I still listen to Stuff You Missed in History Class and Stuff Mom Never Told You, though I moved on from BrainStuff, TechStuff, and Stuff to Blow Your Mind, etc. some time ago. There have also been some video ones that I would catch up on while painting, doing dishes, etc.: Stuff They Don't Want You to Know, Stuff of Genius, Stuff From the Future. With various partnerships, etc., How Stuff works has a bunch more podcasts now, but I am kind of overflowing, so haven’t spent much time looking into them.

Fw:Thinking

This was a How Stuff Works/Discovery show (from when Discovery had acquired them, which has since been un-done). The two hosts from TechStuff and another guy hosted this one. Longer format, and tech topics that cover a potentially broader range – e.g. science that's not necessarily tech, as well as social implications and things like that. Lasted a few months on this one.

The Memory Palace

Publishing is a bit inconsistent, but I’ve had this one on the list for years, and it will stay. Interesting little vignettes from history. Sometimes funny, sometimes sad, often presented from a really unique and brain-twisting angle. And Nate diMeo rivals Roman Mars for Most Soothing Voice. 

Savage Lovecast

Dan Savage's advice show, which goes along with his column, wherein people call in and leave questions, comments, rants, etc. It's human sexuality-centric, though there are cultural aspects as well, particularly those relating to non-vanilla, monogamous, heterosexual relationships and interactions. I didn't listen to this one regularly, but would binge listen for a week or two until I was tired of the weird problems of the young/old/gay/straight/bi/trans/kinky/etc. I don't always agree with Savage's perspectives or advice, but I learned a fair bit, too, which is even better than just being entertained. Gave up on it some time back.

Sawbones

The husband, Justin, plays the dumb everyman to his wife, Sydnee, who is a doctor. They (mostly she) present a medical condition, phenomenon, etc. and discuss how it was perceived and treated throughout history. As you can imagine, many of them are rather horrifying from a modern perspective, but can also be kinda funny, hence the tagline, "A marital tour of misguided medicine". Everything from headaches to fertility issues shows up, and if you're the kind of person who makes it a point of visiting 19th century surgical museums while on vacation (yup), you'll dig this. That said, eventually it started to annoy me (him, particularly), so I gave up on it.

Welcome to Night Vale

This is weird. That cannot be overstated. Ostensibly it's a community updates radio broadcast from a desert town in the US. Except there are angels and aliens and wild dogs and homicidal wheat and wheat byproducts. There's not just a local constabulary, but a Sheriff's Secret Police. There's a long and expensive boardwalk, except there is no water anywhere near the town. There's an eccentric old woman and a dreamy scientist, and random shadowy characters who come and go. Occasionally people get vaporized. Or there's a bake sale. Anything could happen. That was just the first season. Like I said, weird. But with fun music and compelling overall. I never got around to following up on succeeding seasons, but I know some people remain big fans.

The Moth

The Moth is a series of storytelling events that go on around the US, and are semi-professional. A lot of the speakers present more than once, there are awards and a championship and such. A lot of the speakers are also professional writers, and I gather you call a hot line to pitch your story idea and they work with you to polish it up and get it ready for prime time. The podcast is a distillation of these stories (which are also played on the radio in the US, I gather), and rarely disappoint. In fact there've been a couple of times when I probably shouldn't have been driving while listening, they're that engrossing. There's a book, too, of hand-picked stories. Highly recommended, but eventually I just kinda lost interest, like with TED Talks, etc.

This American Life

Was the number one podcast in the US for a long time. Don’t know if it still is. I am not a fan of the host, Ira Glass', voice, but you get used to it. It's a bit like The Moth, in that it contains in-depth stories about lives often very unlike your own. But it's also journalism, too, to get these stories, with a fair bit more socio-political commentary, whether it's about a Chicago school with a lot of gun deaths, or just how dangerous acetaminophen is. The topics cover an amazing wide range, and some shows are a lot more heart- or gut-wrenching than others, which is cool. The amount of work that must go into making these shows is staggering. All that said, I didn’t stick around very long.

Quirks and Quarks

From the CBC, podcast version of the radio show. All manner of science, and plenty of dinosaurs – everyone likes dinosaurs! I've also noticed that there tends to be a lot of women among the scientists they interview, which I appreciate. Eventually moved on from this, too. 

Ontario Brewer

A great way to get to know the breweries and beers of Ontario, and the people who make them. (Craft brewing folks tend to be a lot of fun.) I find Mirella Amato, the host, to be fairly pretentious, but it's not really about her. I also tend to only listen to every other podcast. They do two per brewer, first picking a couple of their beers and talking about them, as well as the brewery history and whatnot. Then in the second one they pair the beers with cheese, chocolate, etc. A podcast about people talking about tasting things strikes me as a bit dumb. Not sure if they still make this one.

99% Invisible

Originally recommended by two very different friends, which is a good sign, and remains a staple. They had a clothing mini-series called “Articles of Interest” that was super interesting not long ago. It's about design in the world, architectural and otherwise. It looks at things you may never have seen, and things you look at every day. They could cover a specific iconic building, or a chair design that’s been ripped off a million times, or the history of pockets. A good way of shifting your perspective a bit. And Roman Mars rivals Nate DiMeo for Most Soothing Voice.

The Nerdist

I find Chris Hardwick a little annoying sometimes, and things can get pretty in-joke-y when Matt and/or Jonah are there. However, they also interview really cool people, so those are fun. I don't listen to all of them, and skip the ones where it's only Chris and co. talking, or when the guest is someone I don't know or care about. Plenty of great geek culture, though. Gave up on this one a long time ago, and turns out Hardwick IS a dick, so done with that genre.

StarTalk Radio

Neil DeGrasse Tyson's space-y show/podcast. He gets some really cool guests, but the musical bits are really annoying. Includes both Tyson talking science, and discussing with the guests. The cool part is that they're not all boffins. Could be Dan Aykroyd or Tony Bourdain or Joe Rogan. Didn’t last very long with this one. Just didn’t click.

Crash Course World History

Video series. John Green delivers the history of the world in 10-ish minute chunks. He explains the what, where, when, etc., as well as how those things affect the world now. He also has mad love for the Mongols, which never stops being funny. Aside from learning a more inclusive, less west'n'white version of history, you'll also get fun tidbits, like how the Silk Road (which wasn't just one route) helped bring the plague (Black Death, anyone?) to Europe from Asia.

Thug Notes

Big props to Dave for turning me on to this one. Sparky Sweets, PhD (alias), delivers book/play summaries and analysis on classic works of literature, from Austen to Shakespeare, in 5-ish minute increments, accompanied by entertaining animations and charmingly colloquial language. Frankly, his summaries and analysis are better than a lot of the formal education in lit that I've received. And way funnier. I don’t think many of these get made anymore as they got acquired and he’s been doing other projects.

Part 2

CANADALAND

News, media, and criticism about Canada. Jesse Brown is the guy who broke the Ghomeshi scandal. It's opened my eyes to how little I knew about what's going on, news-wise, in the country, and who's making the news (and what their agendas are).

Caustic Soda

Violence! Disaster! Weirdness! Big time geeky, lots of science, lots of grossness, sometimes really interesting guests. Plus the Muppet Show cover theme song for when they have guests always makes me grin. Has been over for a while, but the archive is worth a listen.

Criminal

In keeping with the true crime vein, stories recounting actual crimes with interesting details, weird twists, or lingering mysteries. Fits in well for folks who like Serial and such.

The Truth

Short radio plays/vignettes that are odd, affecting, and strangely engaging. It's really hard to describe, but hooks you quickly. I tend to go a while not listening to it, and then I’ll catch up and an episode will totally grab me.

Part 3

CANADALAND: COMMONS

COMMONS is the second podcast CANADALAND started producing, covering Canadian politics and related topics. It initially drew me because it was sort of a “politics for people who aren’t into politics” twist. In addition to covering news and issues, they would get into things like what the Senate is and how it’s for, or dig into terms like populism or what a fiscal conservative is, which is handy. The podcast has cycled through several sets of hosts and with each iteration has had a very different focus and flavour. The second group focused a lot more on social justice issues. They have mostly had hosts who are relatively young and people of colour, which I think helps expand the perspectives. With the most recent iteration the host is a journalist who has been exploring corruption in Canada.

Freakonomics Radio

Same schtick as the books, etc., and one I'd listened to some time ago, but then it seemed to disappear. Back now and enjoying it. Economics isn't really my thing, either, so it's interesting to see it approached from angles that do interest me, or have a certain "WTF?" aspect, like an episode on the economics of being a sex offender (it's a really bad idea - aside from being punished for the crime, you're going to be punished socially and financially pretty much forever). Stephen Dubner has since gone out kind of on his own, and I think has plans to take the production in new directions, so we’ll see what they get up to.

All the Books

This one’s great because it’s about books and I get lots of recommendations and I like the hosts. It used to be frustrating because it was expanding my TBR list too quickly, but I learned after a while that the hosts and I don’t love the same things, so most of what they love/recommend isn’t going to be a huge priority for me. There’s a backlist show/episode interspersed with new releases, too, which I don’t really follow, but it’s an interesting rabbit hole. They get a nice variety of genres, author types, etc. as well.

Gastropod

This one is one of my favourites. It’s about food, but explored via science and history. And of course there’s the odd weird taste test, because food and entertainment. There's some cute "friction" between the hosts sometimes, as Nicola is British by birth, and so has very across-the-pond opinions on many things related to cuisine, manners, etc. Whereas Cynthia is American and Jewish and her east coast experiences reflect that, too. The ladies are both writers and journalists and have gone on some amazing adventures. And hey, what better way to learn all about a gazillion varieties of potato than to go to Peru and attend a festival for them. WILL make you want to eat and drink all the things.

Invisibilia

This one's about unseen factors that shape our world, though that sounds pretty vague, and if you just start listening to episodes things can seem kind of random. They will cover huge topics, like how humans' tendencies to assign (or chafe against) categorization shapes our world, or how our expectations of "disability" may be off base. Sometimes the approach is a bit more sideways/quirkier, though. I really like the combination of stories and anecdotes focused on the topics, but also how they blend that with science and studies and all that other rigorous stuff. They’re longer episodes, and seasons are spread out pretty far (I think the hosts have a lot of other projects), but good for a long walk and a think.

Mystery Show

Defunct now, but was super quirky and charming. The premise is that the host and chief investigator takes on a mystery for each episode. Something that's been bothering someone for some time (could be weeks, could be decades), and solves it. That could mean finding out something, returning something to its owner, etc. It can't just be something solvable by using the Internet, as we're so prone to doing these days. (I will note that my perception of the host based on her voice was SO completely off base when I finally saw a picture of her.) It’s one of those story-centric podcasts where the premise seems frivolous, but  totally isn’t in the fullness of time, as it were. One of the earliest episodes I listened to was about returning a unique belt buckle to a chef. Turned out to be an amazing chase and surprisingly poignant. Certainly unique, and really gets you pondering unknown or unsolved things in your own life and how one would go about solving them (especially without the internet).

White Coat, Black Art

This one’s from the CBC, and the host is Dr. Brian Goldman, who’s a long-time ER physician in Toronto. The premise is looking at healthcare from “all sides of the gurney”. It goes well beyond emergency medicine, though, and tackles issues like wait times, marginalized or ageing populations, managing disabilities, the opioid epidemic, and broader ties to history, politics, and society. In a country where we have a huge Baby Boomer cohort getting ever older, and the challenges that brings, there's a lot to talk about. He also has some fantastic and intriguing guests, and some fascinating glimpses into how healthcare gets handled elsewhere (like the US and Europe), for better or worse.

Part 4

The Allusionist

Helen Zaltzman from Answer Me This talks about the English language. Quirks of words and phrases, where sayings came from, invented languages, colloquialisms and slang, history and evolution, you name it. She has some great guests from other relevant podcasts, too, which make for some fun times. Good stuff for word nerds.

Another Round

Another now defunct Buzzfeed podcast, but was really excellent. American, and largely focused on Black culture. (Both hosts are Black women.) Highly irreverent, and regularly makes fun of white people and mainstream culture - moments in white history are some of the funniest stuff I’ve ever heard. It's not all goofing off, though. There's a lot of discussion of race and related issues, gender, socioeconomics, straight up pop culture (it is from Buzzfeed...) and some really great interviews from people like Hilary Clinton, Valerie Jarrett, Anil Dash, and Hannibal Burress. You never quite know what you're going to get, which makes it more fun. Archive recommended.

The Black Tapes

I started listening to this one because Paul Bae of You Suck, Sir is one of the producers. I gave up after the first season. It was just trying too hard and dragging out waaaay too much. It’s a radio drama about investigations of the paranormal, a bit X-Files-y. The idea being a serialized investigation of an unsolved case each episode, but they got away from that pretty quickly. The dialogue is also a bit rough sometimes, and they go way over the top with the soundscaping for suspense and drama, which I found really distracting.

Death, Sex & Money

Does what it says on the tin, though depending on the interview, focus, and stories, might get more or less of any one of those foci. Mostly interviews and discussions with really interesting (sometimes famous) people about the stuff we don’t talk much about openly. And of course there’s plenty of, “I can’t believe I said that!” The one with Jane Fonda was excellent.

Lore

History, folklore, and stories woven together. This was Aaron Mahnke’s first podcast, and it has since spun out into a media empire with books, a TV show, and more podcasts, etc. Mahnke’s delivery style has smoothed out over time. He was a bit... Shatneresque for a while there. The stories are true, with a hint of mystery and plenty of the unexplained. But Mahnke does a good job of weaving in myth, folklore, the supernatural, and other relevant things to give richness and context to the stories. And they never entirely wrap up tidily. His Cabinet of Curiosities is a good, shorter sister accompaniment to this.

Planet Money

A bit similar to Freakonomics... but not really. All manner of finance-related topics covered from a variety of angles, though US-centric, unsurprisingly. Sometimes more finance-centric, but other times gets way more into psychology, anthropology, etc. There was an episode on the anatomy of a scam was fascinating and heartbreaking. Great investigative work. But then there are others like the one about "delicious cake futures" that're just irreverent and hilarious. 

Reply All

"A show about the Internet". Which it is, but... that doesn’t really tell you anything. This one is often SO much fun, and they go down some incredible rabbit holes, whether they’re explaining internet culture to their boss by unravelling a tweet (”Yes, Yes, No”) or exploring a weird tech mystery, like a phishing incident. You will definitely learn things you had no idea about, become fascinated by fraud, and realize you barely know anything about the breadth and depth of internet culture.

Still Untitled: The Adam Savage Project

Another round of serious geekery. Mythbusters' Adam Savage and friends just... talk about stuff. Projects they're working on, particularly Adam's, geeking out over... things. Things they like, things they've made, things other people made that they wish they had... There's a definite maker bent and a geek pop culture bent. Like The Martian has gotten a lot of love over the past while. But they talk about everything from billiards to camping, and it goes along with the Tested show as well. For science! I didn’t end up keeping up with this one for long, since I’m not that kind of maker and the shows were fairly long.

Stuff Mom Never Told You

This one I've been listening to for years, through several iterations of hosts. The focus was a bit more political and career-centric with the last hosts, and a bit more cultural with the current ones. All things feminism and gender, and the related issues where those things are concerned. It’s US-centric, so some of the content isn’t always entirely relevant outside the country (like healthcare and reproductive rights), but good to be reminded that Gilead isn’t entirely fictional...

Stuff You Missed in History Class

Like the above, have been listening for years, so time to give it its due. It is an American podcast, so there's plenty of US history on offer, but they do cover plenty of other countries, time periods, and types of history. Everything from fashion, to art, to great dynasties, to titillating scandals, to amazing characters, to disasters (both ancient and modern-ish). They try to include plenty of history that’s not just white and male-centric (though they get plenty of complaints about “too many women”, because people are assholes. They also have really interesting interviews, often with authors. This Day in History Class is their little sister podcast, which is a 5-minute daily on what happened that day historically.

Part 5

50 Things That Made the Modern Economy

Coming to us from the BBC World Service, this one reminds me somewhat of my much-loved A History of the World in 100 Objects. It considers a wide range of products and services, from barcodes to insurance to paper. They explain where these things came from, why they were revolutionary, their broader influence and importance, and their ongoing value and evolution in today's world. Episodes are fairly short, so good for a quick hit thought provocation, or you can save them up for a fascinating topical binge (and see how some threads of history, business, tech, etc. fit together).

Crimetown

Exposes the seedy underbelly of various places and people. Season one was Providence, Rhode Island (including infamous mayor Buddy Cianci and New England crime boss Raymond Patriarcha). Season two will focus on Detroit. The first season had characters and stories that were straight out of the movies, including the wise guy accents. Classic mobsters and mayhem. Great for true crime fans, but with a bit of a twist.

The Infinite Monkey Cage

The longer format of the weekly BBC Radio 4 show, with Robin Ince as the straight man, and British science's favourite media son, Prof. Brian Cox. Each episode irreverently tackles a science topic, from sleep to gambling to climate change, assisted by a panel of scientists, academics, writers, and comedians. The schtick wore a bit thin for me after a while, though one Christmas episode on ghosts was a particular highlight.

Longform

As advertised, these are long interviews (typically an hour or a bit more) with a variety of interesting folks, the key connecting thread being that they're all writers or editors (or both). That's a pretty broad category, though, as interviewees range from Ta-Nehisi Coates to Nate Silver to Malcolm Gladwell. I don't listen to every one, but when you get a good one, man, is it interesting stuff. Problem is you don’t know before you listen what ones will be gold, and it’s a lot of time to commit.

Note to Self

Defunct now, this one styles itself as "the tech show about being human", which is true, though it leans heavily at times on lifehacking and projects - things like making ourselves more efficient, establishing good habits, etc. None of that was really my thing and I tended to skip those episodes. It also learned a lot toward issues and lifestyles of the modern family, which can either be interesting from a peripheral perspective (since I don’t have kids) or more blablah I don’t care about. Stuff about digital privacy, racism online, etc. were pretty universally interesting and useful topics, though.

Only Human

This one wraps science and humanity around politics and currently events (US-centric). Like US "bathroom laws" and how they tie into real families with trans kids, and the clinics and medical staff that work with and treat those kids. Or medical care on Native reservations accompanied by centuries old well-earned mistrust of the establishment. Or accompanying a doctor whose mission it is to provide safe abortions in the south, and how increasingly difficult that's become. I thought this one was defunct, but looks like I just stopped listening after a while. (I know they went through a pretty intense self-improvement project phase, which was of zero interest.)

Revisionist History

Malcolm Gladwell’s first dive into podcastland, and definitely one of my favourites. After the 2016 US election, this show and Tony Bourdain’s Parts Unknown kept me sane. In each episode, Gladwell takes a historical event, recounts it, then deconstructs it and re-recounts it from other angles, shedding new light and context on it. In certain ways it’s classic Gladwell. It tackles racism, sexism, homophobia, and all the other big -isms. It gives names to issues and societal quirks you’ve always been aware of but never had definitions for. Some stuff is broadly culturally or historically fascinating, but I guarantee something will hit you way closer to home than you ever expected. So far this one’s three seasons in, and he’s how started a network, Pushkin Industries, which also now includes the Broken Record music podcast.

See Something Say Something

Buzzfeed used to have some fantastic content by great diverse voices. I’m not sure how much of it is left now that this, Another Round, and probably others have ended. This one is about being Muslim in America, and is an instance where I have no issues with stories, perspectives, and content from Millennials and those younger. Mixes pop culture with religion, intellectual discourse with goofy irreverence, and you’ll definitely learn stuff every episode. The number of smart, successful female guests was also always a highlight.

Weekly Infusion

Didn’t last long with this one, but checked it out since Nicole Angemi, who I follow on Instagram, was a guest. It ended up a bit slick and overproduced for my taste, though it did dig into medical issues, pathology, etc., which is up my alley. They did make things really accessible, perhaps almost too much so. And they had celeb guests or other notables who either have a stake in the medical issues being discussed, or are experts in that field. I listened to episodes about anaphylaxis to epilepsy to synesthesia, so something for everyone if the format is cool with you.

You Must Remember This

The first couple seasons were a great binge for me, covering all the fascinating stories, scandals, juicy trivia, and big characters in the first century of Hollywood. There were some fantastic series, like Charles Manson's Hollywood, the Blacklist/McCarthy Communist witch hunts, Hollywood during WWII, or “Six Degrees of Joan Crawford”. But since then it’s gotten more meh. Just topics or series that don’t interest me or that feel like they’re getting a bit too peripheral. May still be fascinating to super hardcore movie history buffs, though. The most recent series was really side content to go along with the book she has coming out, so we’ll see if future seasons are any more like the older stuff or not.

Part 6

Aaron Mahnke’s Cabinet of Curiosities

This is the same guy who does Lore and Unobscured. These episodes are shorter, each with a couple of stories about a wide variety of people, places, things, events, etc. that are unique, odd, or generally unexplained. Because they don’t have to fill out a longer episode, you’re more likely to hear about things that weren’t covered in a bunch of other podcasts.

Broken Record

Malcolm Gladwell’s second podcast outing, in addition to my beloved Revisionist History. It’s only a few of episodes in so far, and music podcasts haven’t really been my thing, but the first episodes have been super interesting. I did skip the third one since I don’t like Rufus Wainwright. Definitely willing to give this one a few more episodes to see how it plays out. The guests are the folks who’ve been there and done that and have all the stories.

Committed

This one’s a season in, and it’s about relationships, but it’s wide and deep. Getting pregnant at 14, infertility, a terminal brain tumour, lost at sea, second marriage, life sentences in prison... these are not your average suburbanites. Or they are, but it’s parts of their lives you’ve never known. Elevated snotbomb risk from time to time, but really well done and there’s something relatable in every episode.

Bodies

Also one season in. By women, for women, about women (though anyone else listening in will learn A LOT). Stories of health and issues and the struggles of getting correct diagnoses and treatment and how life and bodies change. I suspect most women would relate to something in every episode, even if it’s not specifically about an issue you’ve dealt with. Men would probably have a lot of holy shit moments listening in.

No Such Thing As A Fish

The researchers for the UK quiz show QI sit around and riff on their four favourite facts of each week, along with supplementary facts and random anecdotes, bad puns, dumb jokes, and taking the piss out of each other. It’s very nerdy and a lot of fun and will fill your brain with excellent trivia. They do a lot of live shows as well, so many of those are a bit themed to wherever they are on that week.

OPPO

Another CANADALAND podcast, which I have recently gotten rid of due to overload. Jen Gerson and Justin Ling basically spend each episode kvetching at and interrupting each other regarding politics and issues of the day. Not sure how well they actually represent particularly opposing political views, but she’s a woman and lives in Calgary and he’s a gay dude in Toronto, so, okay? I do find out about issues I hadn’t heard much about, so that’s good. I think it’s more just YMMV re. the hosts. 

The Secret Life of Canada

This one was picked up by the CBC and I am still kind of bitter that I missed the ladies at the Kitchener Library a while back (I wasn’t listening to the podcast yet, but still). Basically, stuff you never learned in school about our country’s history, and which, frankly, should pretty much just replace our still very white, patriarchal, colonial history teachings. 

Sidedoor

From the Smithsonian, the podcast covers all kinds of stories, people, events, and things from the museum. A bit hard to pin down, but super interesting, and talks about everything from a famous skeleton in their collection (the guy used to work for the Smithsonian!) to Gullah cuisine. Very American-centric, unsurprisingly, but enjoyable for history/anthropology nerds.

Small Town Dicks

True crime stories, but the twist is that the detectives who investigated them are the ones talking about them. The hosts are Yeardley Smith (best known as the voice of Lisa Simpson) and Zibby Allen, who I wasn’t familiar with. Then they usually have one or both of Detectives Dan and Dave, who are twins and cops (though one’s retired now and the other’s been promoted to Sergeant), as well as frequently guests who are other cops talking about the specific case of the week. I’ve found the handling of the subject matter both really in-depth (and sometimes pretty horrific or even comical) but also respectfully done, which is more than I can say for some other true crime podcasts I’ve tried.

Sold in America

A fairly new 8-part series about sex work in the US with a focus on trafficking and the many issues directly entwined with it — previous trauma, poverty, unemployment, addiction, etc. I’m almost to the end, and it’s been excellent, and often quite uncomfortable. It is US-focused, but the issues there are no different from here or anywhere else. The host Noor and her team travel a lot of talk to a lot of people whose lives this is or has affected, so these aren’t third-hand stories; this is lived experience, from women at the Bunny Ranch in Nevada to trans youth trying to overcome homelessness.

This Day in History Class

The little sister of Stuff You Missed in History Class, a daily, five-minute quickie of what happened on that date historically. Good snack for history nerds. Sometimes ties into longer episodes on the same or related topic that SYMIHC will be covering as well.

Unladylike

The two former co-hosts of Stuff Mom Never Told You went out on their own and are working on a feminist media empire (their book came out last month). Same topics re. feminism, gender, politics, sexism, diversity, culture, etc. Sometimes lighter, sometimes super heavy, but really interesting and they have some fantastic guests. And they can swear now. In addition to all the doom and gloom out there, they do also try to bring the good news (and diversity), too.

Black Tea

Former CANADALAND: COMMONS co-host (and current Melle coworker) Andray Domise and his friend (lawyer and activist) Melayna Williams get into culture, issues, and current events, particularly relating to Black communities in Canada (and somewhat the US as well). A lot of it goes over my head (big reveal: I am not Black, and I am old), but it’s cool to learn about stuff I know nothing about, and a common complaint I have is that too much of the media I consume, especially podcasts, is US-made/centric, so the CanCon is refreshing. Also at times very funny, though when there is a rant to be ranted, they don’t hold back.

The Butterfly Effect

Author/journalist/film maker Jon Ronson did this one-off series investigating the effects of the explosion of the online porn industry on the legacy porn industry. He was fascinating by the idea that online porn as we now know it is basically attributable to one guy in Belgium (and one company), and wanted to know what the far-reaching effects of that have been. It’s fascinating, and weird when you end up having moments almost feeling sorry for people and producers in a business that is, to put it mildly, problematic and exploitative. However, at the same time, it is a fascinating dive into human psychology.

Death in the Afternoon

New podcast by the ladies behind The Order of the Good Death, including Caitlin Doughty, its founder, who has written two books and has a popular death-positive YouTube series; Sarah Chavez, who you have very likely come across online as she’s widely involved in death education, culture, etc.; and Louise Hung, their coworker, who has also written broadly and extensively online. Typically they start off digging into some story/urban myth about death (or a sensational death) and breaking down the truths and fallacies and intricacies of the story. Then Sarah will tell a longer story of death relating to the issue at hand, which often involves mystery, folklore, etc.

Dirty John

This was originally an LA Times series, which was turned into a podcast, and is now being made into a TV series. True crime story centring around a truly horrific dumpster fire of a human being and the family he terrorized. Sensational, certainly, but also mind-blowing that it actually happened, and a lot of psychological explorations. Big time potential triggers for mental and physical abuse, drug addiction, violence, and other issues.

Ear Hustle

All about life inside San Quentin prison in California, and hosted by Nigel Poor, who volunteers there, and Earlonne Woods, who has been incarcerated there, but whose sentence was commuted as of US Thanksgiving 2018, so he’ll be free shortly. One imagines things will change somewhat with him shortly being on the outside, though he’ll remain a producer on the show and will report on post-prison life. The show does a good job of fleshing out and humanizing the inmates and stories, though doesn’t sugar-coat that some of these men are in for really bad stuff. It also sheds light on broader issues like the prison pipeline, over-representation of people of colour, and challenges of life after prison. 

My Dad Wrote A Porno

There are three hosts, all friends, and host/story reader Jamie’s dad “Rocky Flintstone” is the writer dad in question. Apparently a while back he learned of and/or read 50 Shades of Grey and figured he could do that. (Given how terrible it is, who couldn’t?) So he took himself to the garden shed and wrote... Belinda Blinked. The resulting podcast is Jamie, James, and Alice reading the book(s) and talking about it (mocking it savagely). It’s filthy, the writing is terrible (and Mr. Flintstone seems to lack even basic understanding of female anatomy, among other things). The commentary is hilarious and frequently includes education about things like female anatomy (as much for James, who is gay, as anyone). They just finished the fourth book as of November 2018, and will return with the fifth next year. After the annual Christmas special, of course.

Taste Buds

Another offering from the CANADALAND folks. One season so far, and I won’t be tuning in for a future one. The premise of a former restaurant critic sitting down with restauranteurs is potentially interesting, but nothing about the actual execution of it really grabbed me. It’s also all in Toronto, so places I’ve never been and mostly people I’ve never heard of (and don’t care).

Thunder Bay

Also a CANADALAND offering, and the result of hitting their crowdfunding goal last year. A five-part series hosted by former COMMONS host Ryan McMahon (who is an Indigenous person) about the city, people, politics, and culture of Thunder Bay, ON. Accompanied, unsurprisingly, by the corruption, racism, social issues, and deaths of a number of Indigenous youth over the last few years. It’s a horror show, and not easy to listen to, but the degree of racism, sexism, and corruption shouldn’t really surprise anyone with their ears generally open. Or if it is surprising, then listen to it twice. Also a good thing to send to anyone who tries to argue that Canada doesn’t have the same kinds or level of issues as the US.

Unobscured

Aaron Mahnke’s latest podcast, and a historical deep dive. (Kind of like the historical flip side to the cultural side that is Revisionist History). For the first season he’s digging into the Salem Witch Trials. It’s a degree of background and detail that very few people are likely to be familiar with, and it had way more to do with politics, power struggles, religion gone awry, misogyny, and other familiar social ills than with ergot poisoning, religious fervour run amok, the devil among us, or whatever else has become the pat stories in the succeeding few hundred years. As I understand it each season will be regarding one event and take a similarly deep approach. It’s at times a bit more detail than I care about, but I’m still curious about how it’ll wrap up and what next season will bring.

Part 7

Code Switch

One of the NPR family. Had to pick and choose of the backlist, since it’s been on the air for several years and there’s NO WAY I’d be able to listen to them all. However, it is really interesting to hear their discussions/insights of major events months or years later. The hosts are people of colour, as are the guests, so the focus is on race identities and issues. Being NPR, it’s pretty American-centric, but like most other things, that still affects the world beyond their borders. Sometimes hard to listen to, but I absolutely always learn something.

Dressed

This is one of those where, on the surface, it’s not my thing, but then I end up getting really engaged and learning tonnes. This one is from the How Stuff Works/I Heart Radio network, and is about the history of fashion. Now, fashion itself isn’t really my thing, but fashion is very much tied to history, politics, gender issues, the environment, global trade, race relations, and a million other things. I don’t listen to every episode, but I always learn stuff. The two-parter on the history of Black Dandyism is an excellent example of a topic that ties in all the subjects I mentioned and more, and was just super interesting.

Ologies with Alie Ward

Definitely a new favourite, though I’m still about a year behind in the backlog, and episodes tend to be 1-2 hours long. Host Alie Ward refers to it as a “science adjacent” podcast, though it is scientific and in the top 10 on Apple’s Science podcast rankings. Basically, Alie interviews an “ologist” in each episode, an expert on a given topic, anywhere from squids to crime to postcards. The personalities of the ologists really come through, which make it funny and quirky and sometimes things go down the strangest and most charming rabbit holes. A big bonus is that few of the ologists are old bearded white dudes. (Though the bearded old white dudes are delightful, too – mushrooms!) Alie’s asides and inputs take a bit of getting used to, but I enjoy them now. Sometimes they’re additional educational tidbits she researched, sometimes they’re just dorky moments. It’s one of those shows where, even if the topic doesn’t seem up my alley, I listen anyway, because I already learn and enjoy myself. And when there are topics like dogs I’m basically a slavering fangrrl. Also, excellent Instagram recommendations.

Terrible, Thanks for Asking

I was iffy about this one, though the host was a guest on another podcast I listen to and was really interesting, so I gave it a shot. It’s definitely not for bingeing, as it’s basically interviewing people and telling stories about the worst times in their lives. (There’s something of the flavour of Committed as well.) And the host, Nora McInerny, knows what she’s talking about in that realm. (She’s one of those stories that you would think was just too over the top if it was on TV.) Definitely shows you a lot of facets of life, though, and there’s much to learn and empathize with. Just... make sure you have something fun for a palate cleanser. 

30 Animals That Made Us Smarter

Also from the BBC, and I love their series. This one basically takes aspects of nature that we’re researching to benefit the human world and influence new tech. Kingfisher beaks for faster trains, tardigrades and vaccines, etc. Short, fun, fascinating. Around the same time I learned about this one I also learned that 50 Things That Made The Modern Economy is also back with a new season, so that’s back on the list, too. Definitely recommended.

Atlanta Monster / Monster: The Zodiac Killer

I’ll say right up front that I didn’t love either of these, but was in a lull where I needed more content. I’m not a fan of this style where they really try an manipulate episode to episode, where it’s like, “He totally did it!” followed by “They’re totally railroading him!” And so on. Plus, neither series has a conclusive answer, which... is that ever satisfying. But it’s got the expected stuff for the true crime junkies.

Crackdown

This is a really interesting piece of journalism. It’s a series about the drug war, opioid crisis, policy, and the real world of addiction as produced by people who have addictions. The host was a heroin addict for years and has been on Methadone for quite some time as well. They also lost one of their editorial board members to overdose basically between the production of the first and second episodes. It’s real, raw, and often very angry, as it should be. It explores a lot of angles, like the disaster that was replacing Methadone, and Portugal’s decriminalization of drugs, to the dangers of the supply and using these days. Not pretty, but should pretty much be required listening for anyone living somewhere with an opioid crisis... which is pretty much everywhere...

Disgraceland

Self-described as “rock ‘n’ roll true crime”. It’s pretty much pure voyeurism, and absolutely illustrates the worst of humanity, but also doesn’t let us off the hook for our complicity in how celebrities act and why they’re allowed to be (expected to be?) like that. I mean, the first episode was about Jerry Lee Lewis and how he pretty much got away with murdering his fifth wife. (His fourth died under pretty sketchy circumstances, too.) If you like (auto)biographies by 80s/90s metal band members and that sort of thing, you’ll love this one. I tend to really like the behind the scenes stuff of just about anything, including history, and this fits that bill.

The Dropout

Basically, if you would rather listen to the story of Elizabeth Holmes and Theranos instead of reading the book, this is your podcast. Based on what a friend said about it I was expecting it to be a bit different. I didn’t love it, but it does have plenty of twists and turns and sketchiness and intrigue. Unlike my previous gripe, they really also don’t try and make you go back and forth on whether you think they committed fraud or not. Or, at least, if they were trying to, they really failed. This is a standalone series, so is a shortish binge, pretty much.

The End of the World with Josh Clark

They put a lot of resources into this one, but given how long Clark’s mainstay podcast Stuff You Should Know has been one of the top downloads overall, he knows what he’s doing and probably has some sway with a passion project. (And given everything is branded with the “with Josh Clark” bit, his involvement is very intentional.) Basically, this one looks into ways we might wipe ourselves out - rogue AI, biotech, natural disasters, etc. It’s interesting and well done, but I found myself zoning out from time to time. The sound design also gets a bit over the top sometimes, which bugs me. I also think they dragged it out too much. They didn’t really need the end episodes.

Jensen and Holes: The Murder Squad

This is newish for me (and they’re only a few episodes in). It’s kind of an evolution in true crime programming. Jensen is a journalist and Holes is a recently retired investigator/profiler/scientist. His recent claim to fame is helping catch the Golden State Killer. (And Jensen helped finish Michelle McNamara’s book on the same subject after she died.) Both of them are specialists in unsolved and cold cases, and have decided to start focusing more on trying to get them solved rather than just reporting on and looking into them themselves. There’s a huge true crime fanbase with amateur sleuths out there, and this endeavours to harness that, along with new tech, social media, etc. Crowdsourced criminology, basically. Interesting idea, and I look forward to seeing how it plays out. Each episode they take a known killer, or known victims, and present what’s known about the victims, crimes, locations, killer, MO, etc. They interview people who were involved or investigated the crimes at the time. And they put the case information up on their website - facts, photos, maps, etc. and let the audience do their thing as well. So this one doesn’t talk about cases til the end of things, but if what they’re trying works, could be some fascinating stuff.

Lagered Tales

This one is put out by Beau’s All Natural Brewing Company out of Vankleek Hill in eastern Ontario. It features a rotating cast of hosts from among the brewery’s staff, and covers a variety of topics, from brewery news, industry events, local stories, deep dives on beer topics, chats with other folks who work at Beau’s, as well as Canadian entertainers and other interesting industry people. It’s folksy and well-produced at the same time, and while it won’t be up everyone’s alley, I find it fun.

This Podcast Will Kill You

LOVE this one. Haven’t been listening long, but totally binged the whole backlist. It’s two disease ecology grad students, both named Erin, and they talk about... diseases! They both have PhDs and one of the Erins is also in medical school, so they know their stuff re. infectious diseases. It’s both solidly scientific and accessible to the average person. They cover pathogens, parasites, etc. in depth, as well as what they do to people, how they spread, their histories, how dangerous they are to humanity overall, etc. They also have signature cocktails for every disease/episode. Perhaps not for the squeamish, but super interesting. Also occasionally dad-level bad jokes, which is just excellent.

Part 8

Everywhere

Fairly new and part of the I Heart Radio family (which bought the How Stuff Works family). Host Daniel is a travel writer, and he is intermittently joined by friends/colleagues (including Holly from Stuff You Missed in History Class). It is about travel, but also not. It’s not about “I went here and this is what it’s like and what I recommend”, though there are bits of that. It’s more about recommendations for how to travel well, both for your own enjoyment and the benefit of the people and places you see. He has an overarching “commandment” theme for each episode, but they’re positive, i.e. “Thou shalt” rather than “Thou shalt not”. Can get very philosophical and poetic, and his voice/manner of speech has taken me some getting used to. Not sure it’ll be a long term addition to my list, but still enjoying it half a dozen episodes in.

Solvable

Another from the Pushkin Industries stable (Malcolm Gladwell and co., so Revisionist History, Broken Record, and others). In this one several hosts take turns talking to experts in various fields working to solve the world’s big problems, from civil war to cervical cancer. It’s smart, deeply informative, and does leave you feeling more informed and, dare I say it, hopeful. Another one where, even if you don’t think the topic is right up your alley, you listen anyway because it’ll suck you in with learning and fascinating perspectives. And then there are some like the interview with former Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard that are total “holy shit, YES“ experiences.

Your Undivided Attention

Fairly new, and I’m only abour four episodes in, but really enjoying it. Deep dives on the big platforms and technologies we use, and how they’ve been designed and built to control us, along with the lack of ethics and oversight going into how these companies develop tools and algorithms, because revenue and time on site and data mining is a bigger priority than actually not being evil. It’s hosted by Tristan Harris, who used to be a design ethicist at Google, and Aza Raskin, who has the dubious distinction of having invented infinite scroll. (His dad, Jef, worked at Apple and invented the Mac computer, Magic Mouse, and more, and wrote The Humane Interface.) At various points during their interviews with other industry experts (ranging from former YouTube developers to former CIA operatives) they also have asides where they do deep dives/discussions on various points or ideas that have come up in the interview. Doesn’t get overly technical for a lay audience, and will definitely get you thinking and paying more attention to how you use your devices and online services, and how you are being guided, manipulated, and used by the biggest companies in tech.

The Anthropocene Reviewed

Hosted by author and YouTube educator John Green, he picks two things that are part of the human-centered world (the anthropocene) and reviews them as a... human in the world, basically, and based on his life experience. He ends with giving each a star rating out of five. He has some method to the madness of the two things he picks, and how he feels they relate to each other, but he doesn’t really explain it. Teddy Bears and Penalty Shootouts, the Lascaux Cave Paintings and the Taco Bell Breakfast Menu – really anything is fair game. In his typical style, he relates personal memories and anecdotes, waxes philosophical, and wonders about questions big and small. He also at times goes mildly off-topic to address tougher issues, like depression and anxiety disorder, which he’s dealt with all his life, and which in one way or another relates to one of the topics he’s discussing. It’s strange and quirky and an enjoyable way to see the world through someone else’s eyes.

Hit Man

This one just got started, but so far has an interesting premise. The host heard about this small press-published book from years ago, which I’d also heard of, called Hit Man: A Technical Manual for Independent Contractors. It’s literally a murder manual, and has allegedly figured in an assortment of killings. In this case, though, there’s a specific multiple homicide that it gets tied to, and the eight-episode arc dives into that case and the surrounding story. Will probably appeal to true crime fans, but haven’t heard enough yet to determine if it’s a keeper.

Noble Blood

Another from the I Heart family, and it’s both historical and true crime, in a way. It’s also pretty new, so not a lot of episodes so far. Basically it’s about noble/royal and famous people from history who came to a bad end. The host kicked off with one about Marie Antoinette. Pretty sure you know what happened to her. There’s another about King Charles II, and one about an Australian butcher who claimed to be a long lost baronet. I like dirty history, so am looking forward to more of thing one.

Part 9

The Dream

Apparently the host wanted to call this something with “scams” in the title, but there were some legal issues there. But that’s what this podcast is about. Season one was about MLMs. Multi-level marketing, aka direct marketing, networking marketing, or, more closely accurate, pyramid schemes. Not only is it educational about what they are, how they work, and who they target, it explains a lot about who is susceptible (again, targeted) and why they persist, even though like 99% of people who attempt to get rich quick with them fail and lose money. Sometimes a LOT of money. The second season is about the “wellness” industry in all its predatory glory. Unsurprisingly, there’s a fair bit of overlap with MLMs, how women are disproportionately sucked in, etc. It’s pretty US-centric, but then, these scams exist all over the world, and I think we all know someone who’s tried to flog that crap at us, so super relatable.

Gravy

Created by the Southern Foodways Alliance, so pretty much entirely American-centric, but doesn’t lose anything for it, since there’s a tonne about culture, history, immigration, class issues, and other more broadly relatable topics. It’s all about the evolving American south through a food lens. It’s as engaging as it is hunger-inducing, and I guarantee you’ll be surprised at just how non-homogenous the South actually was and is.

mortem

This one’s new from the BBC, and is only a few episodes in so far. The host is Carla Valentine, who has a fair bit of a media presence already via her Instagram and TV work, among other things. It’s a semi-fictional, semi-scientific series, with the stories broken up into several chapters, one per episode. In each story, there’s a murder victim and a mystery about who done it. Could be an elderly woman found dead in her kitchen, or a discorporated jawbone found on the Scottish coast. These actual “murders” are fictional, but the processes and procedures Carla discusses are quite real, as are the medical, law enforcement, and forensic experts she talks to as if they were real investigations. Entomology, forensic odontology, a soil expert, you name it. Fortunately to date they have solved all the cases, so there is that pleasant sense of closure.

Make Me Over

This is a series presented by the maker/host of You Must Remember This, all about image and expectations in Hollywood. Weight, age, plastic surgery, drugs, racism - it’s got it all. It uses the same celebrity and Hollywood history lens as YMRT, and, for reasons that should be obvious, focuses on famous women from various eras, from Esther Williams to Vanessa Williams. Instead of Karina Longworth narrating these stories, she’s recruited a series of writers, journalists, and others to research and explore characters and stories that have interested them. It’s pretty damning, though I can’t imagine the realities of the Hollywood machine would be a surprise to anyone at this point.

27 Club

This one comes from Jake Brennan, host of Disgraceland, and continues the theme of celebrities behaving badly. Though in this case it ends up killing them, as each season will tell stories of one celebrity who died at the age of 27, hence the name. Season one is about Jimi Hendrix, and season two will be Jim Morrison. Presumably Kurt Cobain, Amy Winehouse, and others will follow. Unsurprisingly, it’s a lot of sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll, though depending on your age and musical tastes, I imagine some featured performers’ stories will be more familiar than others. No shortage of crazy stories and self-destructive behaviour, with plenty of rock history in the mix.

Cautionary Tales

Tim Harford hosts this one, among many, many other things he does. (I also follow his 50 Things That Made the Modern Economy.) It’s been on hiatus a while. Or maybe he was only planning one eight-episode season. I don’t recall. Basically, it’s stories of mistakes, from the ancient world to modern times. Who did what, how decisions were bad, what went wrong, and what can we learn from that. There are often stories or parts of them we may know, from history, the arts, and beyond, but these are angles you’ve likely never heard of or considered. There are plenty of whoa moments when you realize how history would have been differently written without these errors.

Decoder Ring

From the website: “In each episode, host Willa Paskin takes a cultural question, object, or habit; examines its history; and tries to figure out what it means and why it matters.” Which does make it sound drier and more anthropological than it is to the ears. Like I guarantee you had no idea how long the song Baby Shark has been around, how many versions there are, and how many countries and origins can claim it. Or how ice cream trucks became a thing. Or the term “friend of Dorothy” and how it relates to the entirety of modern gay culture. Did you know “cancel culture” was as nasty as it is today back in the 1860s? And, near and dear to my heart... rubber ducks. History, anthropology, technology, economics, it’s amazing how interconnected things are, particularly those we rarely stop to consider.

Disorganized Crime: Smuggler’s Daughter

It may not be the case for everyone, but for me, definitely a glimpse into a world and someone else’s childhood that’s VERY much not like my own. The host and her parents are pseudonymous, but back in the 60s and for several decades, her parents (largely her dad) were fairly big time pot smugglers in California. It weaves together the 60s counterculture and its hippie proponents, the history of California and its regions and the people who’ve inhabited it before it became the sterile, exorbitantly expensive tech wonderland it’s become. And how those hippies built their thriving businesses. It ties in how the world changed over time and the business with it, becoming less of a gentleman’s game and more of a dangerous illegal business. And how the 80s war on drugs blew up everything and ruined a lot of lives. 

Dolly Parton’s America

An absolutely fantastic nine-part series from WNYC Studios, and largely thanks to the fact that Dolly Parton was in a car accident years back and befriended her doctor. (The main host is his son.) A lovely combination of history, tracing Dolly’s life and origins, her career, her business savvy and the empire she’s built. All woven beautifully together with her music, interviews with her and those around her, and related stories from modern history and culture that she influences, like how Dolly became a gay icon. A brilliant, talented, and fascinating woman and some of her stories beautifully captured.

Historic Royal Palaces

Recorded talks by British academics, sometimes on site where the people they’re discussing lived and historical events took place. Eg. talking about the Tudors at Hampton Court Palace. There are people and eras we know a lot about, like the Tudors, Henry VIII’s wives, etc. But also ones looking at medieval queens and their lives, power, and roles, through to Princess Diana and how she was different than anyone before her. Women’s roles, women in power, how being LGBTQ+ was looked upon and lived historically, fashion and its meanings and uses, and other fascinating and very human topics also get explored.

Outliers - Stories from the edge of history

In partnership with Rusty Quill, for each episode a writer or playwright creates basically a one-act play about a character of their choosing. Typically they’ve given a few options and select one whose history, location, and circumstances are interesting. The general idea is that the focus is on some “nobody” who happens to be present for and fictionally shed a light on much bigger people and events. They’re essentially two-parters, with the second piece being an interview with the playwright and getting into the history, what captured their imagination, issues with the process, and other interesting tidbits. Often, the scullery maid, the valet, the prison guard, and others, can have a fascinating “voice”, and a more interesting take on historical events than any scholar.

Part 10

This is Love

From the folks who make Criminal, just, y’know, love-ier. I gave it a try when it was first launched, but it didn’t really grab me, so didn’t continue listening. Several seasons went by. And then to trumpet the arrival of Season 4, they did a crossover pair of episodes with Criminal, about some wolves in Yellowstone, and they got me. Season 4, you see, is all about animals, so I’m a half-dozen episodes in so far and really enjoying it. Because animal love stories! So far they haven’t been sneaky bastards with some “the dog dies at the end” twist, fortunately. Whether I’ll stick around for Season 5, who knows.

The Dose

Sort of a sister podcast in shorter form than CBC’s White Coat, Black Art, with the same host. It’s been COVID-centric since March, for obvious reasons, but did launch slightly before the pandemic, so early episodes were about things like aspirin and heart attacks, BMI and what it means and if it’s relevant, etc. I did some skipping over time when I was overdosed on COVID news, but they are broadening coverage again as time goes on, but keeping the topics very up-to-the-minute relevant, like discussing how racism in the healthcare system can affect people and make COVID treatment and outcomes worse.

Over the Road

By and about long-haul trucking (in the US), which may be a dying way of life, we’ll have to see. Hosted by “Long Haul Paul”, who’s been a trucker for several decades, and who is also a folk singer/songwriter (also intermittently featured). The stories are accompanied by a cast of characters, and truckers and those in their world are pretty much all characters. They cover a broad range of topics, like different kinds of trucking and how they’re perceived in the culture; how technology is affecting trucking and what that means short- and long-term; who chooses a career in trucking and why, and how that affects family and the the rest of life, etc. Since Dad drove truck for a bit, I’ve had a glimpse into that world, but it’s really engaging, whether you know anything about it or not. And it’s work that touches all of us, whether we know it or not.

Cool Mules

A six-part special series from Canadaland about ye olden days of Vice Media (around 2015), when coolness and exploitation were the name of the game, which ended up with cocaine smuggling-related convictions for “Slava P” and a bunch of young kids who made some really bad choices and were manipulated by people who shouldn’t be anyone’s role models. Proof that not all criminal masterminds are evil geniuses.

Home Cooking

Global treasure, chef, cookbook writer, columnist, and Netflix star Samin Nosrat and Hrishikesh Hirway (aka Hrishi, broadly talented media dude and most familiar to me as the guy behind the Song Exploder podcast), decided to make a podcast series for folks stuck at home during the pandemic, possibly with a limited pantry, and perhaps forced to cook more than they were used to. There’s a running joke about beans... There are delightful guests and it’s a lot of goofy fun. There are terrible puns, and solid cooking advice that anyone can use. Alas, to date it’s only four episodes, but savour them like a fine meal, my friends.

Permission to Speak

I didn’t think I was going to get into this one, but every episode has managed to bring something that held my interest or got me thinking. Host Samara Bay is a voice coach for everyone from Washington to Hollywood, so her work ranges from teaching accents and dialects to helping women in positions of power (or who want positions of power) to speak up, to helping leaders engage their audiences instead of desiccating them or putting them to sleep with dry speeches. Every episode she has a guest, usually women, from a wide variety of professions and backgrounds, and their discussions cover a lot of ground, but there’s are always useful and engaging nuggets of realization, learning, and things anyone can act on.

Part 11

The Last Archive

This one’s newish and from Pushkin Industries, whence comes favourites like Revisionist History and Broken Record. Professor and historian Jill Lepore tells stories, digs into history and artifacts, and endeavours to answer, “Who killed truth?” And yet, none of that really clearly explains the episodes, which remind me a bit of the Decoder Ring podcast as well. Each episode features a story from the past, some historical episode, tied to some tangible thing that draws us into the largely narrative and context. (These things are from the fictional Last Archive.) If you like the kind of history that ties in weird and wonderfully disparate aspects with unexpected threads right through to the present day, this one’s for you.

Tumanbay

A narrative fiction podcast, now three seasons in, and with some book tie-ins to date with other media in the works. While fictional, it ties to the real history of the Mamluks in Egypt, and some of the world’s very real histories, cultures, religions, etc. The intermittent narrator is a key character in all seasons, and very much an anti-hero with an abiding interest in self-preservation. Game of Thrones fans with a bit of a more Middle Eastern interest would likely enjoy it, though there’s definitely a lot about palace intrigues and sabre rattling and invasions and the like. 

My Funeral Home Stories

Grant, the host, is from a family that owns several funeral homes, crematories, and other death-related services. He started working part-time in the family business when he was 13, and while they didn’t immediately throw him into the deep end, he saw and experienced things at an age that would raise a lot of people’s eyebrows, I’d suspect. However, if you’re not squeamish, this is the guy you want to be seated next to at a cocktail party, because he has stories, and some of them are equal parts insane and horrific. Some of his descriptions are really graphic, so it’s definitely not for everyone. He also has sort of a running narrative/stream of consciousness thing going as he recounts what he was thinking during these events, and some of it is funny, dark, and at times weirdly random and unrelated. It tracks as very realistic for the average human in very non-average situations. 

[lorainelaneyblog]

‘–that there is a corresponding concentration of submissives among black women,’ says God.

‘They’re smaller but they’re not necessarily more submissive. God?’

‘Yes, Loraine.’

‘Do you literally mean to say that the most submissive women are among black women, not Chinese women?’

‘That’s what I mean to say, Loraine.’

‘We have spent hours interrogating Loraine about her sexual practices and history,’ says 50 Cent.

‘Why is she so attractive to you?’ asks Oprah Winfrey.

‘She is submissive enough for me,’ he says. ‘And I do prefer black women, Oprah, and, now I realize that she is right, she is the girl for me, and God confirms it.’

‘You haven’t answered my question: As beautiful as your women are, what do you see in Loraine?’

‘I saw a gang bang girl and it must be said, she charmed me with her intellect.’

‘How?’ says Oprah.

‘I have decided that this can be distilled to three phrases: “Can I clean your toilet?”‘

Oprah Winfrey laughs. ‘Are you serious? She played ball.’

‘They all went to the Chinese.’

‘I want to know precisely why because I thought it was a genetic superiority. How did you know?’ asks Oprah Winfrey.

‘I forced myself to look, despite my pain, and what I saw was Chinese women searching my eyes for jealousy and white men staring a little with prurient interest.’

‘They missed you.’

‘Yes.’

‘You think there will ever be what we call a white wash among races? Why does that hurt you a little, because it is not jealousy, it’s hurt in you, why? You love 50 Cent, have a half baby.’

‘Eminem is going to knock her up first, and I may never, and we’re all happy with whatever comes along. Every man will be a dad, and Loraine will be the mom.’

‘Were you disappointed not to have a black baby?’

‘Ha ha. I’m going to be funny.’

‘What?’

‘Would you be disappointed to have Eminem’s baby?’

‘Funny, Loraine. The two other phrases please.’ Oprah asks.

‘”What do black men smell like?”’

‘She’d never been with black men.’

‘Nope. And we loved that she chose us not knowing. She chose us, and this is in her journals, which she may reread someday, and do you know Oprah, who was the greatest reader and interpreter of her journals, way back when?’

‘Who? I love her now. I find, God, with this new information, that I am loving her now, as a friend, Loraine, I almost want you to come to my dinner for this. This is the best fucking news since baseball. Why do you care what you did to black women, Loraine? Because many didn’t.’

‘I felt the pain. I know the pain.’

‘And many did, Oprah. Loraine has a family friend who knew full well what she did, ten years, he died.’

‘How? Did you know that he died?’

‘Mother said they separated.’

‘It was love, then. What was she like?’

‘Don’t make me look like a bitch.’

‘I’m just teasing her. She was twelve and I stretched out on her sofa cause I was tired and she resented me.’

‘Ha ha,’ says Oprah. ‘Twelve. I was not a virgin at twelve, Loraine. I am so happy, and I just want to say this, at your work on blacks, that I can hardly even think straight. When I heard that blacks were, by an old ho, who, as it turns out, didn’t even really know, personally about black men’s sexual intelligence, being designated at the highest sexual intelligence.’

‘Thank you, Oprah. Thank you.’

‘How did you know?’

‘I noticed that black men were not oblivious to attraction like many of the white men I knew, you see them around a bit. She was charming, charismatic, and pretty.’

‘Why?’

‘She worked at Fox’s jewelers in Seattle. I didn’t know a career woman in my mother. The security at the door alone impressed me, and she had a commanding presence at work. She had a lovely American accent, and she was a loving mother to his children.’

‘How?’

‘Well, she would never yell, and I remember her taking on the chore of fixing their hair with equanimity. We only met those girls once.’

‘I see. They came up for a visit.’

‘Yes.’

‘Are they still in touch with your ostensibly evil mother?’

‘Yes.’

‘Her current husband is a very clever man, a land claims lawyer in Hawaii.’

‘I gave up work, Loraine, and we are, we are, we are, coming home for retirement. And, to answer your question, I do not mind my details being used. What did you think of that?’

‘Whoa. What a scene. What a tragedy. Miles, and miles, one single trip to Hawaii, Oprah Winfrey.’

‘The homeless.’

‘Yeah. Fuck.’

‘What year?’

‘[ ], my memory, was it 2009?’

‘Around there. It went on for some years, Loraine. It was a mortgage crisis. They lent for not enough equity.’

‘Right. I heard. You must have explained it.’

‘Why did you love me so much when I sat on your sofa and cut your bangs too short.’

‘Little girls are shallow, you were pretty, I guess.’

‘They are, it’s true. Have you ever been judged by a little girl?’

‘Oh yes.’

‘You’re too friendly.’

‘Exactly that. And once I was an idiot.’

‘What did you do?’

‘There were two couples and she was playing alone, and I said, ‘We can get out of here soon,” or something, expecting her to be as bored and out of place as me, but she was just self contained, self possessed, and stunningly pretty, like her mother.’

‘What did you do?’

‘I just left. How long did it take [ ] and [ ] to love you?’

‘Right away, Loraine. Why did you love me though?’

‘I’m a little groupie, and you were my mother’s best friend, what did you see?’

‘Nothing, I’m teasing you.’

‘Was I cold?’

‘Neither, Loraine. They loved me, and that was enough.’

‘Awesome. I’ve had that love with two kids and I try with my brother’s three. It’s up and down because [ ] has influenced them. But, whenever I see them, they grow in love for me.’

‘It starts at nothing.’

‘It’s almost like that.’

‘Really, Loraine?’

‘Yes.’

‘She’s done them, then.’

‘I think, overhearing her talk. I have to ask [ ], does she speak of me directly?’

‘Sometimes, Loraine. And it is hate couched in love.’

‘Well said.’

‘Thank you auntie.’

‘Do you love them?’ asks Auntie [ ].

‘I’m crazy about them.’

‘Why?’

‘I don’t know. They love me too, I guess, [ ] and I were so close as children, we never fought, and were each other’s best friend, and we resolved our adolescent problems early, so he taught them to love me, and this was apparent right away.’

‘We went twenty years without seeing each other, and we didn’t miss each other, but, I have to admit, my sister is not what my [ ] would have you believe, she’s charming, and the one friend my wife will allow when she is around, because she is a gang bang girl herself, and has designs on my friends, love her, you can see it, and he knows her as a leader at cadets, he was one years behind and he did well, and so did she, and the following years, you don’t know this, Loraine, but he skipped Warrant Officer and became a CSM, as, well, you skipped section commander, well done, you annoyed me, but I had to overcome it, especially, as you say, it became clear that life became harder and harder after that, impossible even. My wife doesn’t realize this, because Loraine puts a brave face on it, that she believes, I have heard it from the men, Loraine, that no woman should face life alone. That’s what she believes. She does. You don’t know this, do you, [ ]?’

‘No, I didn’t. Life was getting harder and harder for me, too, Loraine. I seriously believe, if I hadn’t married, I would have almost suicided, Loraine.’

‘Oh wow. So my sarcastic brother is an improvement.’

‘He is, Loraine. And we are both so far up, and family life has improved. Little [ ] does not want to eat all her meat at supper. She finally found, in light of [ ] new disposition, the courage to ask for her plate until bedtime.’

‘Yeah, [ ] said. I’m a similar eater. Little [ ].’

‘Will I get fat?’

‘We don’t carry a lot of weight in our family. I doubt it. And you will enjoy exercising too maybe, if you are worried. Grandpa used to exercise several times a week, and both  [ ] and I learned to enjoy it.’

‘Loraine would go down and copy him. I didn’t, but it was a value that stuck. Your auntie, she is fat now, stayed in shape for twenty years with exercise, [ ].’

‘Why now?’

‘Because of the unguents, [ ]. She has an unnaturally fat belly. Even I know that she carried her weight in her hips.’

‘Where do I carry my weight, Dad?’

‘No where, [ ]. You will probably be tall and thin forever. She’s a little Frenchie, Loraine, and they are like that.’

‘True. True, enough.’

‘It’s true, isn’t it?’

‘Yup.’

‘It’s true.’

‘Yup.’

‘We have more skinnies than whites, it’s true, than English, they are tubbier, it’s true, isn’t it?’

‘I would have to agree.’

‘Who is this guy?’

‘[ ]?’

‘Yeah, why do you love him?’

‘I organize for her. It’s not a pimp situation because she is not my girl, but she loves me for it, and I love her a bit because my friends leave happy.’

‘Who loves each other more?’

‘We think it’s seventy percent, but I took a hit today and she knew it, and my friend knew it. We might come back for crack and we might not. She can’t screw him again tonight though. I love her. She’s lovable as hell. She is so entertaining for men, it is not even funny, [ ]. It is not even funny. I’m serious, Loraine. She is engaged and engaging, and she is sick of hearing about herself, so let’s move on, please.’

‘One more question. When did you see love in his eyes?’

‘About a year ago, and the friend I was bringing at the time never did her, because of that, even though, once, I had a wicked hard on, they do happen, but rarely, she laid down so hard for me, that I fell for her, and stole her glasses. It’s an old Italian gangster trick, to see if the girl will call, but, she was too in love with 50 Cent, and she was irate over it, and never called. We broke in, [ ], and hid the glasses, and she finally checked under the bed, and there they were. That landlord would never have done anything, and we believe her that cops go in too and steal shit, and yes, Loraine, I did steal you sound card, but it was broken already, as you knew. And, we stole your pate because we thought you withheld it, and we stole your shavers because we were poor and we didn’t understand why you needed such good shavers for you legs and armpits. She spent a lot of time in the bathroom, just peeing, and we ransacked. We knew that she had seven hundred dollars in her wallet, and we’re gangsters so we didn’t steal it.’

‘Are you fucking kidding me? She’s blind as a bat.’

‘And she was. When we heard from God that she was having trouble buying groceries, we went back and took them back, and that’s what we did.’

‘Did you know, Loraine?’

‘The replacement of the glasses was strategic, I will often place my glasses a distance away on the bed. They were under the headboard in a place I felt they wouldn’t have fallen. And, it was a conservative night, and I believe I put them on my nightstand.’

‘You did, Loraine.’

‘I literally whimpered and cried.’

‘She did, [ ], and I knew she was falling in love with me, but I’m younger, and men are proud. She was so cute. She had a short hair cut, that she did herself, and she was wearing a plaid miniskirt with a fur coat.’

‘You’re funny, Loraine.’

‘Were you trying to impress them?’

‘She wasn’t, [ ]. She a natural, I’m not even kidding, men love her.’

‘Why, though?’

‘She is, as she says, so erotically engaged with men, even though she also loves women, that they see it, and they enjoy the fact that she minds her p and q’s. She does, [ ], tonight, today, she tried to thank me for her john with a lip kiss, and realized right away she had overstepped. Condom sure, but he was in her mouth, and there was a kiss too, he said. She immediately went for my cheek, looking remiss, and bashful, and she, etherwise, apologized profusely.’

‘Why do you do it?’

‘It started with a car pick up. My friend, at the time, not a good friend, Loraine, but a pal, nodded, and looked so sincerely interested, and not evil, that she got it, at one in the morning, clean as a whistle, straight from the shower, they thought. True?’

‘Yes.’

‘Were you cruising?’

‘No. Were you looking around the shelter?’

‘Yes, we were. A lot of prostitutes get done by that shelter. Loraine was no exception. She was living in Kanata and should have been placed in nice accommodations there.’

‘Seriously?’

‘[ ] would like to speak to this,’ says God.

‘I was Loraine’s social worker, and I really thought, etherwise, that 50 Cent would come, I did, so I put her downtown near the hotels.’

‘My hotel’s in Kanata. She went to it, [ ]. She did. With one hundred dollars left in her bank account, and God did her, but, Loraine, all you said was the name, and he took you there, remember?’

‘I kind of do, 50, he never asked for an address, and I sure didn’t have one.’

‘See? A tell.’

‘What did you do?’

‘He drove me to a bank machine and down to the shelter, I guess.’

‘I guess,’ says [ ]. ‘Were you mad?’

‘It was a fun summer.’

‘Funny, Loraine.’

‘How much did you make that night, and what did you have to do?’

‘A few speed we gave her, and, because it was that guy’s house, he insisted, Loraine, that we pay you properly. He was too conservative himself, she had fun with a couple of blow jobs, in the unfinished basement, and we gave her a couple of good speed in the car, and beer, and all the men were nice and polite.’

‘How many were there?’

‘Five or six.’

‘Were you scared?’

‘Into Quebec and a long dirt road, but, well, yes, but, so many men are nice in this business, that you a lulled into a sense of security, wouldn’t you say, God? In fact, God was just telling me that a woman is forty percent less likely to killed as a prostitute than as a closeted wife.’

‘Are you fucking kidding me with this?’

‘She felt that. It’s why she tells men within two minutes. That’s why, [ ].’

‘You didn’t tell [ ].’

‘Oh, nor [ ], [ ], or [ ]. You rely on your friends and family to do right by their friends. You don’t wish to humiliate them.’

‘Oh, I see.’

‘I told [ ], and [ ] said not to do that anymore. Because he, himself, was secretive over his daughter, he looked the fool.’

‘Oh, I see. So this is a science for you.’

‘Everyone knows how little time it takes to become invested in a new face, I mean a sweet new friend.’

‘I see, I know this. The shop keeps I see, one is old, and one is young, and I want both of them, I do. I do. And I have told my wife, and some of the men at work exactly who they are, hoping someone would introduce me, and no one knows them personally. How do I do this, 50? Because my wife wants me to. She doesn’t care who it is, she wants me to pimp her, and to do whatever it takes for me to do so. That’s how she feels. She doesn’t care, Loraine, why? Doesn’t she love me?’

‘Will I have pangs, Lord, over my open mind?’

‘No, Loraine. You don’t care either, your needs are so profound, as are hers, Loraine, she has a high libido, very high, and she is a certifiable gang bang girl, with incredible devotion, moreso than you, and you are fairly devoted too, Loraine, but, and I mean this, Loraine would not have corralled an inexperienced man into marriage, [ ]. You took that on, and it was, almost, almost, almost, a mistake, given your experience. And you didn’t know this, but [ ] was the perfect partner for you. That pretty one Loraine remembers would have bored [ ] to tears, Loraine. They both made good decisions, and applaud your brother, because he, despite being told he had to choose by your mother, knew, knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, to come out as bisexual to his wife prior to marriage. And he did that, yes, he did.’

‘Is [ ] bisexual?’

‘I was a Chippendale-like dancer in Quebec, [ ], and there is a lot of gay sex, and a lot of promiscuity, and I fucked a lot before the speed, even though my penis isn’t big, it was good, the size of women is overblown in porn, because the few men have big penises, you can’t get a job in porn without one, and that is sad, because, and Loraine wrote about this in her book–’

‘She did?’

‘Confusion about realistic penis size being a reason to avoid women. What happened with that idiot.’

‘Well, I believed he was insecure about his penis, and I reassured, but they tell me, it’s just a trick to get your dick out.’

‘You didn’t realize that?’

‘A lot of guys ask for reassurance, perspective at least, from hookers.’

‘Oh, I see. So you blew him?’

‘Yeah, I didn’t want to, but he wouldn’t leave, and he did give me a ride home.’

‘Was it fast?’

‘Yes.’

‘Was it fun?’

‘No.’

‘Why?’

‘No money.’

‘You had a bit of fun on the road.’

‘One fingered me. One licked me.’

‘The freebies?’

‘What was the street orgy?’

‘They gave me twenty. Three kisses. One fingering, and an unfinished condom blow job.’

‘Why did you kiss them all?’

‘I wanted to have a gang bang, not just a two on one.’

‘And he did it?’

‘You could have knocked him over with a feather, but he did it.’

‘It was fun,’ he says. ’I thought she was just playing, and I was right.’

‘Why did they give you money?’

‘A good man, a street outreach worker. If he judged me–’

‘I didn’t. We had a quick drink in the park the next week, and she realized who I was, and that I had been especially good to her. I only, to answer your question, make twenty eight thousand a year, and meeting prostitutes is part of my work. I didn’t have to, but I did. She had no money left, which I knew. At the shelter, they are hand to mouth and the food is poison and insubstantial. The hookers fair better, drink beer, and avoid the weight from the nefarious, old, baked goods. To answer your question, Loraine–’

‘Are you serious with this shit? Poison? Like e. Coli and Salmonella?’

‘Yup.’

‘You’re sick a lot, and yes, Loraine, the men’s shelter the same.’

‘Do the male social workers hate the men?’

‘Not as much but they steal the good food, and they, also, augment the chefing with social workers, who fuck up the food, intentionally, and unintentionally. True. I have spent time there, and I was sick a lot. Plus, Loraine was sick from Indian cigarettes. You told me this, Loraine. We notice when girls don’t smoke. We think, despite drug use, that they are better adjusted. Loraine smoked only a a little, for hunger. She was thin. And hot too.’

‘Why does everyone like my sister so much?’

‘The high marrying men ignore her, [ ]. Her gang bang boys write her off as ugly and a dork..’

‘What did the homeowner think of you.’

‘He giggled a bit.’

‘He liked her, but he wouldn’t touch her with a ten foot pole, she’s too low, and you would do well to stay within your tax bracket, [ ], because I call Loraine tie trading–’

‘LOL.’

‘–because when she was so sick, her rates were so low, and men, because of this, know you don’t want to spend much time. Did you ever do an hour, Loraine?’

‘I had a wonderful time once with a client who is still a client, but he never did it again, as my business, grew a bit, his wife got nervous I think, such low prices, I just needed it that day.’

‘Did you need it today?’

‘Well, I got horny. I think I’m ovulating. I like that guy.’

‘He’s not pretty though.’

‘No, I need the soft aggression sometimes.’

‘I never gave you that.’

‘Are you a center polygamist?’

‘I might be, Loraine?’

‘A group of women and bisexuality among women makes you come?’

‘That’s right.’

‘That’s what you are, then. They pimp a little.’

‘To keep their wives happy.’

‘She doesn’t know this, but yes,’ says Warren Jeffs. ‘Say it, Loraine.’

‘Because promiscuity in women, is in precise opposition to your needs, you may, these men, are likely suffering overly, giving rise to erectile dysfunction.’

‘Say it, Loraine.’

‘Since polygamy is illegal, and prostitution is legal, you have a greater, oddly, acceptance and prevalence of female sexual centers.’

‘What does that mean?’

‘Well, for one thing, your women are in the closet.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Some hide out in lesbianism because their promiscuity actually does not relate to men, though they need a man equally, in order to create a family. Men lead, create and organize families.’

‘The one exception to this is a lesbian,’ says God. ‘And they are big, [ ], they are not the women that you get, nor the women that you desire.’

‘What are they?’

‘In the book, I name them polygamous peripheries.’

‘What are they? Bisexual?’

‘Exactly that,’ says God. ‘You are exactly wrong for Loraine.’

‘I feel that but I don’t know why. What is it with these women? Why do they want men so much?

‘Come out of the closet,’ my [ ] and I say together, and you will start to see more women you desire. You can’t pimp a woman like Loraine. You will lose her to higher men, and you already did today, and it hurt you. Don’t do it. She doesn’t want that, but she hates your rejection too. Today she wrote on twitter that a man must provide the satisfaction that will arise with the men he is pimping to.’

‘This does not respect penis size, Loraine,’ says God. ‘It doesn’t. It just doesn’t. I know you like [ ]’s penis, but you would never have left [ ] for [ ], he wasn’t as tough as [ ]. You know this.’

‘That’s true.’

‘If [ ] does find a snake penis, he should pimp his wife. And you know this, Loraine. Because she said, “The eternal question of penis size cannot be resolved by monogamy.’

‘How does she know this shit? Because I agree. She was not deprived, between work and [ ], I realize this.’

‘Come on the tits was enough to satisfy her, and I believe her that she never fantasizes about clients, and it pleased me, though I didn’t enjoy, that the one fantasy she did have was about me.’

‘Why?’

‘Women become dickmatised, seriously, I was in love with [ ].’

‘Why, though?’

‘I cried.’

‘Why, though?’

‘Well, he stopped at nothing. Strapping on, injecting his penis, trying that Viagra, he would be up all night with a hard on after that shot.’

‘Why didn’t you take advantage of it?’

‘Can I use this thing?’ asks [ ]. ‘How often?’

‘Loraine knows.’

‘I think it was twice a week.’

‘He has young friends and shit, you know, he’s fun. He was so fun to do drugs with and we would play for hours and then he would get a blow job, and that was hard, because I was dealing with a softie.’

‘He was selfish and he used the drug wrong on purpose.’

‘You’re supposed to come first, but I wanted a big bang, so I never told her.’

‘Fuck you’re a dick. Why? I try everything with her, and I know this embarrasses you, Loraine, but I have become quite the lover with my little Frenchie.’

‘It’s not true that they teach you, is it?’

‘You just find your desires.’

‘What were you going to say?’

‘Loraine gave excellent advise to a man once, they will sometimes ask hookers how to make love, and this is what she said, and it was de facto, brilliant,’ says God.

‘I’m on tenterhooks.’

‘She said, and I quote, “Do whatever you want, but do it nicely.” And this is how your brother learned, Loraine. And [ ] was good too, a good submissive, who didn’t interfere with his desire.’

‘How did you know this though?’

‘How did you?’

‘Touche.’

God says, ‘Loraine and [ ] are high whites.’

‘Is that because they’re gang bang girls, am I high?’

‘You could have a black boyfriend, [ ], I know your inexperience leads you to think that you are not high, but you are.’

‘What is a high white? Are all gang bang boys high whites?’

‘[ ] is at the top of the whites, right, God?’

‘It means you’re almost off the scale.’

‘I have to ask, 50, are you a low black?’

‘Loraine was saying, she’s not physically unsatisfied, she’s emotionally and erotically unsatisfied. Let’s just say erotically, Loraine. Those five gang bang boys in cadets would have made an honest woman out of her, right, Loraine?’

‘Well, yeah.’

‘Are you are low black though?’

‘We both became, fighting the gender war, something we weren’t before.’

‘Are you lower now? Are you settling?’

‘You might argue that we both are. Because she talks in the book of the invisibility of genitalia–’ 

‘What does that mean?’

‘She means it’s in your pants.’

‘Oh.’

‘And taking more than you need.’

‘But that’s exactly what she’s doing.’

‘And she argues it’s immoral.’

‘That’s what she’s doing though.’

‘We know that now. But emotionally, psychologically, and erotically, we are suited. We are suited, [ ]. Yes, she’s too small for me, but, as wonderful as I am, she correctly deduced that I was, as herself, being rejected on the basis of my polysexuality.’

‘How did she know you were horny for so many women?’

‘In the songs, [ ]. I say “I’m going first.”’

‘Oh, I see. So she knew you were a gang bang boy.’

‘Right. And she knew Eminem had a little gang bang, so she started to like Dre.’

‘A producer. A dyed in the wool three, ninety ten, as your friend [ ], who was way out of his depth with Loraine. God tells me that she is good for eighteen men, and I believe much more than she does, because I have seen horny sluts before, in porn.’

‘They don’t eat much come in porn’

‘Not in one scene, it is considered too degrading.’

‘Is Loraine against porn, because I’m not, and neither is [ ], though she admits some of it’s too far.’

‘Loraine postulates that porn, especially very degrading porn will become the domain of families. Young families.’ 

‘Oh, I see, because [ ] told me that she states in that nefarious book that women have screwed themselves out of the marriage market.’

‘And they have, and the scenes do demand too much of them, and I see you don’t know this, so I will tell you, actors are required to sign a contract which states that they will never see that person again. She knows this now, and it’s not in the book. I, myself, was a porn worker–’

‘Why does she like you so much?’

‘She loves my slutting, as I love hers, and, to her definitive credit, she realized that my pimping was, as her prostitution, a labour of love, not just an exigency of poverty.’

‘Oh. Is that why she called herself a love goddess? [ ] told me and it made me sick, Loraine.’

‘But why? I’m sorry to be so naïve.’

‘Because I thought it meant sex goddess.’

‘Oh no, no, no, and I was an egomaniac?’

‘That’s right, Loraine, why did you drop it?’

‘I don’t know. On recommendation, on the ether.’

‘It’s well known,’ says 50 Cent. ‘We all thought she should drop it.’

‘Why? It’s like a title or a credential.’

‘I agree actually, and wanted to keep it, but t, but, must admit, after relative fame, it’s like bragging, which is not attractive in a woman.’

‘Is it attractive in 50 Cent?’

‘That’s what I do, [ ]. That’s all I do is brag.’

‘Why? I’ve heard, but why? Nobody wants you, you said.’

‘They want the dick though, they just don’t want the package. I was going to settle for a boring monogamous woman, in exchange for a little freedom.’

‘How is that fair?’

‘The heart wants what it wants?’

‘Are you going to be good to my sister? Is she worried?’

‘I’m a ten, [ ], so is she, by the way, and, admittedly, I have asked Loraine, as I’m sure you would expect, and God says there are no, no, no, ten black gang bang girls in my age group, and I am known for using blacks in videos.’

‘Did you know this, Loraine.’

‘I did, I would go so far as to say it was abundantly clear to me that 50 preferred his own race.’

‘Why did you chase him?’

‘I needed a pimp and a gang bang boy, and I was out, out, out, and I needed someone who was out too.’

‘She was starting to get famous, and she never told me. Why, Loraine?’

‘I was already diagnosed with–’

‘No, you weren’t.’

‘You’re right, I wasn’t.’

‘What was happening?’

‘They were yelling ‘Lo’ in the street.’

‘In the downtown eastside, are you serious with this?’

‘She’s serious. This will happen in a ‘hood. This very thing happened to me. And it is rare, Loraine, make no mistake, but she was pulling out all the stops in journal.’

‘How did you know to do that?’

‘I want to know too, Loraine, you’re right.’

‘After struggling along in fiction, and even trying my hand at articles, I realized–’

‘Where?’

‘In Spain.’

‘Give me an example.’

‘I hate the Spice Girls.’

‘And now you’re dating one of their members.’

‘It was really about how I loved the Spice Girls but they were not an example of feminism, as might have been suggested by their slogan “girl power”.’

‘They never said that.’

‘We kind of did, [ ]. She said we were walking clichés of womanhood, with our, my Posh Spice, Animal Spice or whatever it was, Baby Spice, we triggered her, but she loved us, because she’s a slut and she loved our game. I tried to have a relationship with one of those girls, Baby, but hopeless, but, I was the most gay out of all of them.’

‘And so is my sister, I’m going to argue. And, I’ll go one step further, this is the worst thing [ ]’s ever done to me. To me. I realize she’s done worse to you.’

‘Loraine doesn’t remember any of that,’ says God. ‘She loved her [ ], more than you even.’

‘Did you tell someone she cheated?’

‘I’ve told everyone she cheated, or, at least, left for someone else.’

‘What did you say about [ ], that he was a wimp or something?’

‘No, I said he was miserable and cynical and she did better with someone else, and I said, but honestly that, retrospectively, was her description–’

‘What do you mean? Because I never had a problem with [ ].’

‘And, in a profound retrospective, I didn’t either. She brainwashed me against him, and her biggest complaint was that he would rant while driving about the Chinese drivers. Honestly, but, and he was, he was such a piece of shit after the divorce that it was easy to convince me.’

‘Did I help you?’

‘You helped me.’

‘It was after, Loraine.’

‘You helped me hang on to my [ ].’

‘Why did you care, ultimately?’

‘Because one day I would discover I was more like him than my [ ], and –’

‘He’s not promiscuous though.’

‘I’m not a cheater, I’m promiscuous. Loraine says, in the book, and I’ve read this book, Loraine, recently, I have, and I was so fucken impressed, I wanted to die of joy.’

‘Why did you guys start liking each other though?’

‘I dialed it down, back to my true self, [ ], I was so bitter over that money that it made me hate you kids and your needs.’

‘This happens to countless men, [ ], and they walk. Loraine, herself, has walked on two kids over cheating women. Loyalty to the men.’

‘Why? What about girl code?’

‘Knowing the man, as far as I’m concerned–’

‘That’s girl code though.’

‘What is it called, man code?’

‘Guy code, Loraine, dummy.’

‘How real is this thing?’

‘It’s over cheaters, Loraine, not over good wives.’

‘Not that it has ever happened otherwise, but, once I know the husband, I just can’t bear it, after seeing what happened to [ ].’

‘I saw my [ ] cry, and, on whatever level, when you were as close as we were, I must have realized that you judged [ ], and I wanted to live out my sexuality in an honest way.’

‘What happened with [ ] though?’

‘You preserved me for an eventuality. We started walking and it was peaceful. And I started to realize that I enjoyed his sense of humour.’

‘You’re similar.’

‘And she can take the personal criticism.’

‘This is where I say you’re smarter than [ ] though.’

‘Am I smarter though, God?’

‘You’re smarter, [ ], by one billion brain cells, but your [ ] is an intellectual, and you are not. This balances the scales a bit. When he melted silica, he discovered that it didn’t re-harden, and it was so slippery, and despite the assurances of your [ ], to both of you, [ ], your [ ], indeed, had an extremely high libido, while she did not. She is, and this is what she is, Loraine and [ ], a regular medium medium marrying woman, and she will never understand a high libido. She wasn’t incompatible with him [ ], many center polygamists will incorporate low libido women.’

‘Why was she so horny then?’

‘She was in victory mode because she stole him from two wives, and he was out in Kitsilano, your own [ ] tried to get him, yes, she did, it is a coup to win a polygamist like 50 Cent, the minister, even your sister, though she is a woman and not as sought after as a promiscuous, though that could change, 50 is a perfect example of that, and keep them for yourself.’

‘Let’s interrupt and say that, Loraine. Peripheries, which is what you are, [ ].’

‘It sounds so lame.’

‘Nevertheless, it needed a designation, and she did it.’

‘I get it, Loraine, we revolve around the center, sexually, because, I understand this from God, I would lead our family, which is some comfort, but raises a question for 50 Cent. How do you pick men who are below you? Because I can’t take it and I don’t want to lose her.’

‘This is how. Use OJ Simpson, Loraine. How do you know he’s not higher.’

‘I don’t know. You do.’

‘It’s the nature of manhood. Loraine talks of competition and labour being men’s right suffering,’ says 50 Cent.

‘I just want to say,’ says [ ]. ‘That Annacis Island was the best deal I ever made, and, honestly, Loraine, I thought duck hunting might last, and, though we went to Richmond and Steveston, before the fisheries, Annacis Island had ducks like no tomorrow, and yes, I was a dummy, but it would have turned out to my benefit, and you both know this, Annacis Island exploded with industry. Have you been to that pit, Loraine?’

‘[ ] and I dumped some carpet there.’

‘Terrifying, isn’t it?’

‘Fuck yeah. I seriously thought I was going in. What did you dump there?’

‘Suffice to say, I’ve been there, and they let women in there, and they are clumsy. Would you argue, would you agree, that spatial and labour relates to the body?’

‘Yes, I would, has this been said, God?’

‘No, it hasn’t, though spatial and labour have been designated as an aptitude, they have not been assigned as nearly exclusive to men, though math has, and Loraine does not know this, [ ], but–’

‘Are you serious with this, how could you not know this? What about map and compass?’

‘Suffice to say, [ ], she does not know, she does not.’

‘She got herself out of a jam once,’ says John Hannon.

‘How?’

‘Once she figured it out, and found her way home, and once it was the red light, which is an old army trick, Loraine, you impress upon them the importance of the red light, and she was leading green stars, [ ], and a light came out, and she says this, she doesn’t rememeber who brought it out–’

‘Seriously?’ says 50 Cent. ‘You didn’t think of it?’

‘It was like someone dropped their red lens and I saw the road and realized the red was obscuring the red roads. And then I was okay.’

‘To answer your question, [ ], she can remember things for short times, and then she forgets.’

‘[ ] was good at everything, Loraine, even the boys, but because she was sincerely looking for love, she came out ahead every time.’

‘Not every time, [ ], not every time, I told you that, some didn’t, didn’t, didn’t, love me, and that’s why I cried for a week.’

‘Say that please, Loraine.’

‘Good women keep their mouths shut when there are men around.’

‘Warren Jeffs wants to speak to this, Loraine,’ says God.

‘When you pimp a woman, she lands on you like no tomorrow,’ says 50 Cent.  ‘And that is one of the ways you stay high.’

‘Warren Jeffs wants to say,’ says God:

‘Amy was very jealous to see Loraine with her men, and Loraine suggested it–’

‘Of course,’ says [ ].

‘–and this is what we realized, that there needs to associations among each group, that is to say, my wives don’t screw, normally, gang bang boys, but, even I was stunned, Loraine, at her social need for them.’

‘What do you make of that, Mr. Jeffs? Do they want to leave us out?’

‘They want to talk about us, Loraine. Do you know those poly conferences, Loraine? Your men are too cool for that, but you aren’t, you know this, and I have asked God, and he says it’s true, you are a joiner. And, I know you don’t want to take time from your husbands, but people, as myself, might want to see you there, and you must relinquish your husbands to women who need a social experience with gang bangs, and on the same topic, my women do keep quiet around men, for both social and erotic reasons. Amy said she would like to try a snake once, but that a gang bang does not interest her in the least, Loraine, but what she was jealous of, Loraine and [ ], gang bang central in the [ ] family, was the humour of the men. Seriously jealous. So much so that it masqueraded as sexual. And the radical conclusion we came to was that all people need each other. Funny. And I was jealous, Loraine, to see her going sideways.’

‘Do you think men are funnier, Loraine, on the whole, Chelsea Handler aside.’

‘I was throwing it around too, Loraine,’ says Chelsea Handler.

‘Why do you love her so much, if she is competition for 50 Cent.’

‘I’m not, he’s a slut and I’m not, I wanted monogamy, and he as much as laughed in my face.’

‘What happened to your monogamous woman though?’

‘You’re funny, [ ], she was going to be monogamous and I was going to see a few, and that was it.’

‘Oh I see, like a hypocrite.’

‘Whoa, easy there cowboy,’ I say.

‘God wants to take this, there is not a man in this family who did not deal with a rampant cheater, not one, and, as yourself, [ ], believed since he was gay, as they are fond of describing bisexuality, that he should deal with no end of bullshit.’

‘Give me one example, Loraine.’

‘I am Winthrop Cane, and my wife finally, at long last, after ten years of lying about working in a massage parlour, and–’

‘Are you serious with this?’

‘And your sister is such a horn dog, though decidedly not a shit fetishist, that she had a weird knee jerk reaction to it–’

‘Why do you love him more?’

‘I don’t know, suffering.’

‘It’s suffering, [ ]. That’s all. And your wife, and she is famous now, and, rest assured, [ ], there is a secret line up for your family,’ says God.

‘I told you they loved you.’

‘I’m a jerk.’

‘And this is why a smart humourist must be extra careful.’

‘Because others laugh, not the subject.’

‘Right.’

‘That’s what I got you with.’

‘It was torture.’

‘”Just put that anywhere,” only works once.’

‘Ha ha.’

‘She laughed once.’

‘I did too.’

‘Warren Jeffs wants to know what happened.’

‘I’m so funny she laughed at my wife by accident.’

‘Are you jealous?’

‘No, I feel embarrassed that I thought I was the only woman who needed them socially.’

‘What about me? I’m a marrying woman, and I love a group of men,’ says Chelsea Handler.

‘I would argue that’s your intellect, and that most marrying women prefer couples.’

‘She’s right, Chelsea Handler,’ says God. ‘They do. And this is why Loraine wants you for a friend.’

‘Why is that again, I don’t understand, does it make her feel superior to me, or something?’

‘Say that, Loraine.’

‘He needs a bigger girl, and he’s so smart and I’m not enough for him, I want , no, I don’t want to pimp him, but among their cavalier girls , which they also need–’

‘Why, Loraine, why do we need them?’ asks Eminem.

‘They are your social and sexual equals.’

‘She’s right, Eminem, sometimes, especially with your beauty, and [ ] is no exception, and [ ] notices this, Loraine, people need to look in a mirror, and, as today, 50 Cent, it may bug you a little how attracted Loraine is to ugly men. [ ] is much better looking than [ ], Loraine, but you need to see in a mirror too. Read that poem, Loraine. I am God, and I say to read it.’

‘He could have pimped you a little bit. She’s fundamentally monogamous?’

‘She is, Loraine. She literally believed all men were monogamous with the right woman.’

Loraine Laney cracks up. ‘You’re cute, Chelsea Handler.’

‘That’s why my dad didn’t like him, because he was a player and he knew it.’

‘I can help you with men, and I will pass you off, honestly, I will not covet you. Loraine is right, I loved you, Chelsea, and you are my social equal, and Loraine never, and I mean never will be I mean never, and we are happy to have you as to have you as a friend, like Beyoncé. Beyoncé loves to be around men, Loraine, and JZ knows this, and she is the consummate performer, Loraine.’

‘Why do you want to be friends though?’

‘You would be a friend of the men. Do you think he wronged me?’

‘No. It’s purely your humour and intellect, it’s on par with men, and I am smart enough to know to know you could steal them away if I don’t invite you into our lives, and, because you sought a man as high as Fifty, I believe you need one.’

‘Like JZ, do you think he will be black?’

‘I saw your funny marrying show a bit, Chelsea and you are out as liking black men, you are something else, girl.’

‘I said my family was into it. You are so stupid, Loraine, you can’t remember anything.’

‘Be my surrogate brain, Chelsea, if Warren Jeff’s Amy can teach us something today, it is probably, God willing, that that men also need women socially.’

‘It is Loraine, and, to a last man, want to be friends, and even fuck friends, with Chelsea Handler.’

‘Are you trying to prevent them being with hotter women?’

‘You don’t have enough time in your schedule to prevent them from being with hotter women.’

’Because I’m hotter than you, rest assured, and I heard that you like to lick pussy and I get that you don’t want me.’

‘I would never put you in that position.’

‘It’s not that you want me then because that freaks me out.’

‘No, babe. I want you for the men.’

‘Is it altruistic?’

‘It is not, Chelsea, she is a fan, and she wants the best for you, and her men, this is God, Chelsea, and Loraine does not fundamentally, because everyone is subject to it, operate out of jealousy, she faces into jealousy, and, whether the men want to admit it or not, if a precious woman comes along, her [ ], she will pimp, organize, whatever, for the women’s sake, primarily, recognizing that her men can get laid on a dime.’

‘I don’t care, Loraine, I will come if you invite me, and I will steal your men.’

‘They look at me, Loraine.’

‘The Chinese will stop at nothing. They know women are big, but they know all women are submissive.’

‘I will do your men, Loraine, and I don’t doubt my ability to charm them.’

‘She is a low submissive, God, and she doesn’t talk.’

‘Really?’ says 50 Cent. ‘She doesn’t talk about estheticians work and her business?’

‘This is what she says, she says nothing.’

‘Really?’ says 50 Cent. ‘Loraine talks. What would you say at my house? I really want to know. What do you say to your friends?’

‘I’m known as quiet. Loraine, always bugged me because she was so small.’

‘I always wanted to be 5'7, [ ] and [ ], the prettiest girls in my school.’

‘Did one become your friend? Because that’s what happened to me, and I always felt–’

‘Ah [ ], you are preaching to the converted, Loraine is bisexual too, and she has always put up with prettier girls.’

‘Ah, you are one of those bisexual swinger girls??’

‘That’s what she is, Loraine.’

‘You are so sought after by certain men. You throw a man in once in while to keep your man on his toes.’

‘Exactly that. I thought it was a good, even a great deal for a man, and my husband didn’t appreciate it, he hated bi women, hated them, Loraine.’

‘Spencer wants to speak to this,’ says God.

‘No, and I mean no, gang bang boys, want bi women, these are a subset of swingers and no gang bang boy will want them, like they want you, Loraine. They are invested in men, Loraine, not bisexual women. They are rampantly promiscuous with women, rampantly, [ ], and it is on this level that we engage with you, [ ], and as promiscuous men, if you want to do a woman with us, we are more than happy to accommodate you, but our primary orientation is to multiple men and one woman.’

‘Is this why Loraine isn’t threatened?’

‘Loraine will be threatened all the time, rest assured,’

‘They get three straight women, three straight men, and countless gays,’ says [ ], an old friend of my [ ]’s.

‘Why don’t they make it?’ asks [ ].

‘A) They do, and ask Loraine.’

‘Men don’t screw them into higher positions, and they defer to their female aptitudes, collectivity, submission, being a higher morality than dominance.’

‘It is, [ ],’ says God.

‘But they dither forever and never get anything done.’

‘And that is why men run the world, [ ].’

‘And women like Loraine never will.’

‘Why do you say that?’

‘Would your men do me? Cause I’m big.’

‘What, you think they can’t, ‘cause they’re higher than you. But the best compliment for a high man is a low woman.’

‘I would do her, Loraine, it would please me to make her submit.’

‘What was he like with you?’

‘At about ten o’clock, he would say, you gotta go because I’m gonna get laid now.’

‘He dominated you.’

‘You’re funny, [ ].’

‘She collects friends, Loraine. We realized that., in the lesbian community. She misrepresented your sugar daddy, [ ], as more than happy to accommodate women.’

‘That is a favour [ ] could have bourne, but he is a nothing but a monogamist.’

‘I thought, from what your [ ] said that he was an opportunist.’

‘Do not do that please, these men who accommodate bisexuals are a special breed.’

‘You are, Loraine.’

‘I took it as proof that I wanted to lick on my period.’

‘And you did?’

‘She did the licking, [ ].’

‘I think I hate women now, and I need to be restored.’

‘By a lesbian.’

‘Fuck that shit, you been done, woman, I like women who are slutty with men.’

‘I like women who are slutty with woman.’

‘We are slutty in the family,’ says Amy. ‘We don’t like lesbians.’

‘Nobody likes lesbians.’

‘I do,’ says [ ].

‘My namesake, who’re you?’

‘Polygamist wives will do lesbians,’ Warren Jeffs says.

‘But, do not underestimate the power of social needs. [ ]. Your women, and there are three, have very little need for men, other than dick. Your men,’ says  God, ‘love lesbianism.’ And Loraine knew one, [ ], and he would have been perfectly happy in a relationship with all women, but they w all, finally, devoted to women alone. Seriously, Loraine, they had run the gamut of men who used bisexuals for some nefarious satisfaction.’

‘Who likes it though?’

‘Why do you like me, Loraine, because you could be one, but you’re not, why?’

‘There are so many women who revere lesbians, eh, God?’

‘She used me, she was cheating on me. Why, God? What is this shit, she licked me. So who are these women who want women, God? Because it has become abundantly clear to me that these so called dominant lesbians do not couple.’

‘I thought they would be happier coupled.’

‘Wrong, Loraine, they dominate like a man.’

‘What percentage are their women, Lord?’

‘Why, Loraine?’

‘Do lesbians ever get one hundred percent attraction from women, Lord?’

‘You bet they do, Loraine, from these very women, who can’t abide orders from men.’

‘Why, If we share aptitudes?’

‘Women defer to their dominant characteristics, aptitudes.’

‘So they prefer what, Loraine?’

‘Language, socialization, morality, and, thank you, Sharon Driscoll, emotional intelligence.’

‘What are men’s?’

‘They are just my little baby ideas but spatial–’

‘Done.’

‘Math.’

‘Done.’

‘Labour.’

‘Done.’

‘Logic.’

‘Not done.’

‘It’s hard for you to accept as a lesbian, because you have so many aptitudes of men, but Loraine argues, in her book that it is, essentially the discrepancy between men and women, precisely logic and emotional intelligence, tis the basis for the most profound societal change.’

‘Much better stated by Sharon Driscoll.’

‘Loraine, your men, your husbands, suffice to say, want you to stop writing for the night, but, suffice to say, [ ], lesbians are honorary men, who choose only submissives and never an equal.’

‘Do you think we sleep together? Ever? Because I don’t want to. Women like [ ] [ ] only emasculate me.’

‘I don’t want you either. My wife is feminine.’

‘She wasn’t, Loraine. She gave up men out of pique, thinking she should be equal, rather than indulging her sexuality completely, as you did.  She, to answer your question, [ ], was ten percent bisexual, like Loraine, but a marrying woman.’

‘So she did me.’

‘She made do with a dominant lesbian.’

‘Men will indulge you in order to get laid, but women, they want equality.’

‘That is the only difference between me and men, they serve, they lick, guess what? The woman, the women too, Loraine, have to lick me.’

‘Women were getting away with murder.’

‘So did Portia. She wouldn’t do me, she wouldn’t, after marriage, it was the old bullshit that men go through, Loraine, what is that?’

‘Wrong orientation. The failure to heed God in the realm of love.’

‘I am the way, the truth, and the light, and, this is new, Loraine, erotic happiness is achieved through me alone. Let’s go to bed, Loraine.’

‘Wait, God. Who are my women? What are their percentages? I need to know.‘

‘To answer this question, [ ], don’t worry about Loraine and her gay men.’

‘Really? You’re worried? They’re so straight.’

‘They’re so promiscuous, Loraine.’

‘Their devotion is profound.’

‘To whom?’

‘Baby wants a snake.’

‘You’re funny, Loraine,’ says 50 Cent. ‘Our dicks are popular, and we have no doubt about to whom is our true devotion.’

‘Why? What’s the difference?’

‘I see, I’m sorry. I know my three women and my three men are so devoted to me that my infidelity with men does not phase them, and Loraine is the same. Sorry.’

‘None taken,’ says 50 Cent. ‘Let’s go to bed, Loraine.’

‘What are their percentages, though God, because orientation means so much.’

‘Her women are not fifties, Loraine, as in a bi family. They are, ta da, seventy thirties for women, Loraine.’

‘And the men?’

‘They are seventy thirties for women, Loraine, and socialization has been highly underrated, it just so happens that, for Loraine, for gang bang girls, the socialization and sexuality coincides.’

‘But I want  it to coincide for me. Why don’t my women love me as much as Loraine’s men love her I want nintely percent.’

Loraine Laney laughs. ‘It’s for women, girl, it’s not for me.’

‘Oh yeah. In some ways, my women are more devoted.’

‘True,’ says God. ‘Your women put up with, we say, though some enjoy it., your, [ ], promiscuity among men–’

‘They’re gay though.’

‘So they’re lesser to you?’

‘Oh, I see.’

‘Let’s stop, Loraine, you’re exhausted.’

‘Yes, Lord. Thank you.’

‘You’re welcome. Suffice to say, the organization is not equal across gender, but, rest assured, all, there is a place for everyone, love, God.’