#everthing I wanted nothing I'll ever need

[inlove76]

lost love

really random but its been on my mind might be a little short so

angst cause why not

male reader x kakashi hatake

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

why was loving so hard? why so difficult. why was loving him so hard to do

a man you once loved and gave your heart to

someone you couldn't think about living without.

kakashi was able to sense what you were feeling through how you body tensed and untensed. how your face turned and wrinkled into a mix of disgust and anger whenever you didn't like something are when ever your back muscles tensed when you were frightened are on guard. when your shoulders tensed out of anger are when your jaw tightened when you wanted to say something bile but never did. its a given kakashi is quite an observer so it doesn't come as much of a surprise when ever he knows what your feeling with out you telling him. his favorite definitely being the way your eyes light up whenever something fascinated you are whenever you were told something you hadn't known.

to kakashi you were easy to read, but you liked to bottle all your emotions so not many people knew how you felt and how often you'd zone out and forget everything until someone grounded you again. unlike kakashi you weren't really known by many people so it was easy for people to forget that you were apart of the conversation, but that was okay because you had kakashi and that's all that

mattered to you. kakashi could still remember the peaceful days when you two just cuddled in bed neither one of you wanting are needing to get up. oh how kakashi loved you and how he loved that you didn't judge people easily, that being one of the many reasons he fell in love with you.

but unfourtently everything must come to an end even this peace you had created for yourself. love was truly hard and loving someone was even harder. your wonderful (e/c) eyes staring at him with so much love and compassion.....but know those same eyes stared down at him with nothing at all everything that once made you so lively was gone. kakashi looked up at you as you held a sword to his throat as he stayed on the ground and bleeding slightly from the head from yours and his previous fight.

"give up all ready kakashi you've lost" you spoke with so much hate but your body didn't show any of it. grey and red eye meeting (e/c) ones everthing fell on deaf ears as you stared at him a nd he stared at you. "you look so dull" kakashi mumbled and brought his hand up to try and touch your face but you stopped him by moving your sword closer to his throat "don't touch me hatake" your words came out so venomisly your eyes no longer shining bright with love and affection, no. know instead replacing that love was dullness and there was nothing he could do about it.

why was loving so hard? did he not deserve happiness? I guess not because the one thing that brought joy to his dull black and grey world was you and know your staring down at the man you so desperately loved with nothing left to say and dull eyes everything seemed so...out of place. was this really how it ended were you going to kill him? kakashi looked at you one last time and smiled slightly "you know I'll always love you (name). he said and smiled as you stared at him a d finally brought your sword down but instead of hitting him it hit the ground beside him "you should stop...love is pointless" was the last thing he heard from you before you left. left him left the village everything. this was really the end, what everything came down to why was the world so cruel??.

wooooo finally got it down its freaking 10:31 and I'm exhausted

if you have any ideas of what I could write please let me know because my brain hurts right know bye bye all you beautiful people.

[cupiocopium]

vent

man dissosiation sucks

was on a trip yesterday and got a bunch of new stuff pluss in general it was a rlly fun day with my foster dad but like. I wasn't rlly there yknow. and that sucked. bcs most of the day I managed, it was just a bit worse than usual but it was fine. but then I got worse bcs of how tired I was and I couldn't express my emotions as clearly and I was rlly slow in my reactions .. like I was still kinda having a good time but at some points I think that my foster dad could see that I was feeling bad and that lowkey ruined it (not rlly but still)

I felt like a fictional character the whole time. Like y know when you read a book and you have the story be like a film in your head? that's how I felt

I wish I didn't care. I wish I could just treat this place like nothing matters bcs it's not real but I can't. I care. And I feel trapped. I still have to try I still have to go to school learn a new language be a part of a society and my family and I engage in my hobbies and interests but sometimes it's just so hard to care for all that. like what does it matter.

it's like being in a game where you have all the freedom you can get and yet not doing anything bad bcs you'll feel guilty

and I can't rlly tell anyone about what I'm experiencing bcs it's weird and they don't get it and also I don't want to burden them and there's nothing they can do to make me feel better and what if I vent too much or too often and all our conversations will be about how bad I feel and they will hate me and they'll get tired of me and I'm sorry I wish I wasn't like that and I wish I could be normal

I can't even tell my therapist bcs he said that we will see if the meds aer going to help or not and if not then we will talk more about that and like yeah technichaly I could vent to him but that'll just waste our time and we only have 45 minutes every 2 weeks and that's not enough

I don't think people in my life, my foster family mostly, understand that when I say I'm always dissasosiate I mean it. I'm never here. I can't remember the last time, if ever, I felt real. It has been so long that it doesn't even matter anymore

Some days I'm fine, I have enough distractions and nothing bad is making my dissasosiation worse and that cool, I love those days even if I feel rlly sad when I realize that I still don't feel here. On the days when it's bad it like. Bad. Fucking horrible. I'm not here I don't even know who I is. On those days I feel like someone pretending to be me. "yeah he (me?) would do that / react like that / say that" I feel like separate people too. Not DID type shit but like, there's me from the past and there's me now and they're conflicting. Idk it's rlly hard to explain

Lowkey wish this is all a dream / game / simulation / story / etc. at least then I'll have a possibility of waking up and actually feeling like me.

I hate watching through the eyes of this body. I hate seeing it's face because it's not mine. I hate hearing it's voice because it's not mine it doesn't even feel like it's coming from my mouth.

My gender dysphoria doesn't help at all. It makes it worse. So so much worse. I think I need to tell my therapist that. Hope he can help bcs I really needs it.

I hate how flat and plastic-y everthing looks like, even people. Only things I touch or otherwise interact with feel 3D and more or less real.

sometimes I feel plastic. or made out of gum like car wheel thing

[compudescamso3000]

2023

It's been a while (not to say a couple of years...) ever since i been on tumblr, like for real. Looking for something in my old posts... i couldn't help but realize how bad i felt back then...

(and how cringe my english was)

Althought i can't say i'm fully happy now, i'm just a bit less bad... i hope i'm in the right way? I had some post full of hope over what the future was holding for me, making it even sadder how everything turned out now that i'm ... stepping on the time it was supposed to be my future, how my soul was crushed over and over.

Seeing in those posts how i went from someone who happily wanted to sing and that would sing as easily as breathing, to someone who could barely speak a word, whose voice would just have a limited time for speaking, a limited amount of words to say per day. More than a 5 min talk would leave me with a sore throat for days...

The source of high amount of my sadness been gone for 2 and half years now, not that i'm happy over her departure, i'm ... living a more peaceful life trying to understand how to be a person.

It's unbelievabe how trying to make your parents happy can break a person to the point that doesn't awknoledge it's own self, how easy it's to break someone else to the point that desires to die, but knows that attempting to make it happen, if failing, would lead to worse consequences from those that's already experiencing.

I wish i was braver...

"you better be using your phone only to sales"/"who you talking to? is it for a sale?" so i literally had to stop socializing

"everything you have, it was me who paid for it" so i basically stopped using much of my stuff

"come to the kitchen i want to tell you something" every couple of mins bc the 'something' was never told, so i ended up staying staring at the nothingless waiting to hear something that would never be said, to the point i barely laid a feet in my room but to sleep.

"you're useless, you do nothing, you're not helping at all and i'm paying for everything" but... i did DO a lot of stuff, house cleaning, laundry, sales, grocery shopping and most of the cooking, plus the sales picking up and organize the items... the sales itself the pricing the package the dropping at the post office.

"you know nothing/everthing you say you're wrong" then i stopped answering questions, i stopped giving my opinion

"you don't listen when i'm calling you" so i stopped listening to music

"you're drawing? that's a waste of time you're supposed to be studying" so i stopped doing it as well or if i wanted it so bad i had to sacrifice time from my sleep after SHE went sleep... "you can paint/draw on these stuff to sell" yeah, of course, when it was HER gaining money out of my work she was totaly up to me drawing...

"i'm going out to x place with x, i'll be back at x time" "are you sure you wanna go?"x500 times on a row till i say "you know what? i'm staying" so i barely went out in my life, and now the parent that's still around is *concerned* about me not leaving the house... oh dear god, i asked for his help more times that i can remember, and he never said a thing.

So... at the end, the career i was so proud about, the one that made my heart happy, i was silently forced to drop it, because i had to skip classes, because i coulnd't socialize and make connections, because i had NO time to do the one thing needed for it ... which was 'training my ears', because i wasn't let study. I changed for a career she'd be happy about, naive enought to thing she'd let me time to study for it... Only to realize she would expect me to answer messages from and about the sales page 24/7: while on classes, while being asleep (yes, i even had to wakeup to answer...), only for her to answer whatever thing pleased her even if i told her exactly what to say, because of course, she knew better. Even if it was my working, i wouldn't get paid or be able to decide what to bring to sell, i was not owner of my own money, because i had no bank account.

So i became silent, i stayed in standby mode sitting as a stuppid NPC awaited to be spoken to, seeing how my life was crushed and not knowing how to pick up the pieces. Sacrificing my sleeptime was the only hope to socialize... but when you sleep only 5~6 hours it's a terrible idea.

I'm broken, inside and outside. And it's sad to admit that i never attempted suicide because i knew that despite knowing that the treatment i recived was because 'i'm not a boy', the consequences i'd have to suffer were going to be even worse, i only lived because of Infinite, because sacrificing my sleeping time to listen to their music was the only thing warming my heart, and my dreams the second main source of happines/freedom i had.

After her departure, i ... filled a void in my soul by buying dolls, damn, first time deciding how to use my money...

Took me a while to realize i owned my time, that i could listed to music... the last year or so... music sprung in my heart making me sing again, can't sing or speak for long but, still i can...

Now, i've purchased a mic, not fancy, but it works, in hope to record my singing, to encourage myself to get back to the keyboard or the strings.

I've came to realize that my room, that was always my safe place, was as well my prison, my cage, it took me about a year to be able to stay in my room to read, or hear music, or write. I've been attempting to sing in here (where my pc is...) i feel anxious, and suffocated, can't find my voice, feel worthless, i forget... bloody hell, now i need to be able to feel safe in here again?

.........

Damn, i didn't expect to write such long text... but yeah, 29 years to come to awknodledge that what i knew as 'normal' was a lie, suffering of allergies in a chronic way, it an endless pain with around 30 different simphtoms i been able to identify that doctors have no idea about... because they only think allergies=instant death

[lyramundana]

What if yandere minsung got jealous of how sub! Fem! Reader act with other people ?????

Thank u ❤❤❤🌹

👀 That's a nice question, my friend (how did you know I'm a sucker for jealous minsung?) By how she acts, I'll take it that she's friendly with other people and that.

Ohh, they won't take it well, I assure you. Indoors, Reader is their compliant doll and lets them do whatever they wish to her because they all enjoy it. She has no problem letting them in control. But in public, she's actually a very outgoing person, who can make friends everywhere, and you couldn't everguess she's so submissive and docile in private. They can't stand the sight of some unworthy, pitiful hands taunting her beautiful skin, the sight of those pathetic dogs crawling to have her attention and get close to her (they're exactly the same but shhh)

They would do everthing in their power to show people that Reader belongs to them and only them. If this is before she's "added" to their relationship, they'll be more subtle about it because they don't want to scare her off, and they're still dealing with these feelings. They'll probably snap eventually and act on their jealousy, doing something they can't take back..

They know the way she acts in the bedroom with them doesn't reflect how she truly is, obviously, but they wish it was. They wish she was always this soft, this vulnerable with them. Only them. Maybe she wouldn't look at anyone else this way.

The moment they see her acting so friendly and welcoming with other people, they're mad. She's supposed to be like this only with them. Depending of what you had in mind, maybe Reader is not dating them and she's a situationship right now, a friend with benefits, and so she doesn't feel the need to be exclusive. She thinks she's just a stress reliever for the boys, something to spice up their relationship, ignoring their dark intentions. When they see her flirting her way around, they see red and agree to teach her a lesson.

They're usually soft and gentle when they fuck her, but not this time. No, right now, they have to teach her a lesson.

They want to unleash all their jealousy and anger on her, but they adore her too much to seriously hurt her (for now). They agree the fault is of those disgusting leeches who tried to get a hold of what wasn't theirs. Still, they have plenty of time to deal with them, because right now they have her naked and trembling under their control and they really need to at least remind her of your position. The small hint of fear in her eyes is new, but it makes something inside them purr in delight.

They tie her up at first, saying she's not allowed to touch any of them after her little stunt from earlier. She claims she doesn't know what they mean and that she's done nothing wrong, but gets spanked in result because "dolls don't speak". They tease her to the point of tears, touching her in all her sensitive places but never quite where she really needs them. They edge her until she's outright sobbing, and it's then when they decide to untie her, but now using their own strenght to keep her still. She can only touch what they allow her to. Then they make her cum again and again, until she starts to thrash around and scream, desesperatly trying to get away from the overwhelming sensations of pleasure and pain combined. They chuckle cruelly, enjoying seeing her beg for them and only them. It's exactly how things are supposed to be.

By the end of it, she's covered in cum and bruises all over her skin, still spasming ocasionally from the remnants of her last orgasm. She's drooling on the pillows and on the brink of unconsciousness, eyes rolled back and with dried tears in her cheeks. The boys then give her the softests, most attentive aftercare ever. They ask her if she's learnt her lesson, but she's so fucked out she can't respond. They take it as a yes and happily began to take care of her like they usually do. The three of them shower together, Reader between them so they can hold her and clean her properly. They kiss all her bruises, her lips, her cheeks, whispering praises of how she was, and treating her like a piece of glass. Then they carry her to bed and dress her up with their clothes, one of Han's oversized shirts and a pair of Minho's pants. She falls sleep as soon as her head hits the pillow, and they spent the night tracing the marks they left with their fingers and lips, glancing at them with a bit of pride in their hearts. Those are the unwavering proof of their claim over her.

She's theirs forever. To love, to worship, to touch, to break.

Later, while she's still recovering from the punishment, they go after the worthless pests that tried to take her away. They make sure they never lay their hands on anyone else again..

[lokisprettygirl]

😭😭😭😭 whhhyyyyy 💔💔💔💔💔

But it was foreseeable that exactly this would happen. This family is so evil and the seed they sow blossoms. Y/n believes everthing they ever told her. 😭😭. I'm afraid that she's going to give up now. They took Loki away from her, the only person she trusted, listened to, the only person who took care of her, her body, heart and her soul. Now she has no reason anymore to survive this whole mess. She's maybe going to stop eating and skip meals completely.

I have two horrible scenarios in my mind what could happen to her and hope instantly they don't come true...but it would be amazing for the dramatics of the story 😁😅...we will see what you're going to do with us 😉😏.

The whole scene between Loki and y/n in the car broke my heart. I can feel their sadness and the inconsistency between what they say to each other and what the want and need from each other. They would save and protect each other at all cost but they don't know how...not yet.

'I will continue to stand up for as long as I can'...'I don't deserve their care, I don't deserve any happiness '...and Loki hurt her so bad, the way he treated her was just a further confirmation for her that she's right. I'm sur Loki regrets what he did, he has to find a way back to her and to get her trust again...hopefully it's not too late and it's a long way to go...for both of them. Y/n need to know his whole truth to get the chance to understand him, that he wants to orotect them both. Unfortunately he took the wrong way.

Loki's past with Sameera is so sad and cruel. I can picture him bloody, broken, crying, down on his knees, begging her to stand by him and to save him...and she did nothing, she told a lie instead. I get her motives but she never deserved him, her love wasn't true or not deep enough. He shattered inwardly.

And now it's absolutely clear why he didn't want to get involved like that again with y/n, that he didn't want to have feelings for her. But y/n is not Sameera and he need to learn this🥺❤️‍🩹💚. They need each other to heal 😢💚💔❤️‍🩹.

Erik...y/n's new Bodyguard. I hope he's not a bad one and hopefully he is someone who stands at y/n's (and Loki's) side and can be of help to escape somehow out of this mess.

This chapter was sooo fucking good and very well written, I'm on my knees my Queen. You give us really everything and I adore you for that so much 🧎🏻‍♀️😍💚. Can't wait for the next chapter but please...your health is a very important thing and you are the most important person. Get well soon, my dear and you know.... I love you my Queen 👑💞🫂

And some Loki healing power 💚💚💚

I think loki already regrets what he has done after what what she said to him about not deserving any happiness. That kills him to hear that because he saw how happy he made her just by being a close companion to her.

They definitely need to talk and clear each other's misunderstanding:( that's the only way to. If y/n still refuses to stand up for herself and marries Steve then he really does need to maintain his distance from her.

I know people like Sameera and they're not worth the trouble honestly.

We will see Erik in next chapter and it might not be what you guys think 👀

Thank you my dear and I'll try my best, love you so much 🥰🥰💚

[nishbish05]

THOUGHT YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE.

An impossible road to love life...why am I saying it as an impossible road is because she spent loving this guy for a long time from being his close friend for a little long. It all started with a smile,when he was made to sit next to her in school, she was the happiest when he was right next to her, dint feel like going home after the school left,and was excited until the next morning to see him again. U call it as madness ? No, I call it as LOVE. She had a gutt feeling that he loved her too, but never confessed to each other. Infact both are right opposite to each other, he was an introvert and she was an extrovert sometimes an introvert too. Both had different personalities. She was the most talkative, he wasn't that talkative. She wasn't that great when it came to books, he was pretty good at it. As they say, "Opposites attract' it is a total myth in relationships", and who are too similar are less likely to last,but I guess he expected someone to be just like him!! Okay so finally the Farewell day came, the entire school was filled with tears,sweet memories, photo-shoots. She cried only because she had to leave him, thinking they would never see each other again and nothing would ever happen between them.Everytime she heard his name, would make her smile like an idiot. Then they started to text each other day and night,and finally confessed to each other and now that they know they love each other and finally got into this cute relationship,thought they were just perfect for each other or say "made for each other", they laughed, had some funny silly talks, fights and arguments and sometimes dint talk to each other for weeks together. Every relationship has its problems but what makes it strong is when you still want to be in it when everything sucks. Morever after months on a cold winter evening, they had their first kiss and it certainly wasn't the kind of kiss you see in movies these days and all she could remember about the moment is when their lips touched,had goosebumps all over her body, eyes filled with tears, hugged each other so tight, she knew the memory would last forever.I think heaven will be like our first kiss. And this continued and for a year and half,there was some kind of discomfort between them which certainly was not a big thing. He overthought about it. Suddenly he stopped texting her when everything was fine, she cried.She also had a lot of ego.Yes,handling your ego problems can be tough.Secondly,it doesn't wants you to be happy after all. She dint ask him for a reason for not texting. She wanted him back. She found out a lot about him very quickly. Now it seems like they hardly know each other. She thought-" how can I pretend to not know anything about our past and everthing we had,but I can try"! Am very good at pretending you know!. She still had his texts and whenever she felt lonely she would go back to those texts and everything just rewinds and replays all those moments of him running right in front of her.She really wanted to tell someone about the things that were going on in her head,but truth is, everyone else is busy with someone else, "I am nobodys priority and I don't want to bother anyone with meaningless problems that they don't need to hear". She dint loose hopes for months thinking he would surely come back to her until she received a message on her birthday from him saying "Happy bday", pricked her heart so bad,and that's all it was. When someone has broken your heart,you all of a sudden notice how powerless you've become.She slowly begun to realise that things will never be as they once were.After this she always thought" If I knew leaving you would hurt me so much,I wouldn't have tried to find you in the first place".And now that both are in the same University pursuing their bachelors degree(coincidence).They pretend not to know each other at all, perfect strangers,"Stranger things" lol. Everthing has changed and yet she's more than she's ever been. It's silly, isn't it? You're surrounded by people who love you and you can think about the ones who don't.

" You are not coming back, And someday I'll stop hoping".

Love - nishbish

[cheguevaraismydaddy666]

so many people dislike me it's actually unreal. i'll hear that someone talked badly about me and it's like a person that i maybe said 2 words to, TOPS. it's just so weird to me.... i always make sure to never hurt anyone. i'm a nice person. is me having a reputation for being slutty and annyoing enough to make people hate me? well....i know, i tend to talk about myself A LOT. this is mostly due to the fact that i've been lonely and friendless for years, so the only thing i could ever think about is , well, ,me. also i struggle to connect to others. the only way i know to communicate is by (over)sharing, so that maybe someone will be able to relate to me and in turn spark a conversation. i can listen to people. i really want to. sometimes i have trouble not interrupting, because my mind works so fast and my memory is so poor that i fear forgetting what i was gonna say. but i'm trying really hard! i can see how i could seem self-absorbed....but that's really not the case, i think.... i care way more about others than i know how to show. all i ever wanted was to be part of some type of community, friendgroup whatever.. just people that will always pick me up when i'm down.listen to me, understand me, support me.... but whenever i get a chance at being part of a social circle like that i seem to just simply ruin everthing within weeks. i guess being possibly autistic plays a part in me failing to normally socialize. also, age 12-14 i spent in my room, only ever going outside for therapy, not even going to school. i think just being so isolated during important time periods for learning how to communicate with people is also one of the reasons i still struggle so much. through trial and error, i've been trying to make and keep friends since then. but to no use. i always end up being left behind by myself. i just wish all these people that left me would've told me just WHAT it is about me that makes everyone leave. not knowing what exactly is wrong with me is confusing me. it's hard to not believe that there is something fundamentally wrong with me. i feel like maybe the thing that makes people leave, is simply so obvious, that no one feels the need to tell me because any normal person would already know that. i'm a really big fan of open communication in any relationships. i want nothing more than honesty from my friends. i need them to honestly tell me when i'm doing something wrong, so i can stop doing that. well idk, i'm rambling again.... i guess i just wish someone would take the time to listen to me, understand that dealing with other people is not exactly something i was ever good at, and then help me navigate my relationships through honestly telling me when i'm being too much, too weird again. but my experience has been that nobody tells me anything, they just abandon me suddenly and leave me hating myself, knowing that i must've done something wrong but not knowing what exactly. but who knows.....some people are just simply unlikeable. there's not really a cure for that. i wanna change so bad. i wish people would know all this. even if it wouldn't change a thing. i hate every little thing about me. the scene in my town has stayed open to abusers, narcisstic and generally terrible people...and i'm the one that gets kicked out? what the fuck is so wrong about me that a rapist is more accepted and liked than me??????????????seriously, is it THAT bad???what.the fuck.is.wrong.with.me???????i know they won't be sorry if i'm gone, but at least i won't have to feel and remember anymore.