#fictive yapping ⦻⚠

[sparrowdin]

[Crawling my way back to front]

What year is it?

[qsside]

Is that a depressive episode or are you just happy to see me?

[sparrowdin]

I'm not sure, talking to the void is bitter. Falling in might get me somewhere, I guess.

Maybe.

It's dark, like Phil's wings.

Would falling into them be the typical soft, protective shield? Or the sharp and deadly weapons of the Angel?

Hm.

[sparrowdin]

It sucks. Especially since I'm an AU or whatever fictive.

Writing to no one helps, but at the same time?

Not at all.

Maybe it's because I'm tired.

Maybe it's because I know I'm alone here and nothing ever feels right.

I try to be useful, even in the most un-useful way possible. I've gathered up so many materials and goods in a new server that I have enough diamond and iron for like eight people.

I want to go back to snow and ice and laughter and being out of breath. You still owe me hot chocolate. And I'm sure I owe a whole lot and deserve a lot less.

I wish I got to lean on your shoulder and fall asleep one last time.

I wish I could have gotten your brother to like me without a mask.

I wish I didn't continuously fail.

How's that fair?

......

I know the answer.

It's not fair, most things aren't - that's probably what Blade would tell me outright.

Ya know what the worst thing is?

I keep looping back to the dumbest thoughts. The most inconsequential -

Would you even recognize me?

Not even a bodily question, a source question I guess.

Would you look at me and see your Tommy?

I don't look right anymore. And thinking about an answer is a stupid stab of fear - if my fic updates I might cry recently.

It's all so

Childish

I guess something right, huh?

[qsside]

There's something very amusing to me watching our Philza introject be so hesitant to make a sideblog - my guy, just go for it

I get why he's thinking so hard but also

Old Crow. Just do whatever you want.

[qsside]

Y'know what? There's something very funny to me about seeing that finale and going "pretty much what I expected dsmp", then trying new whiskey.

Like, very mecore, me.

But I am still displeased, so probably why I just kinda ignored it. I have enough thoughts to myself without the narrative telling me there is nothing forward for me.

[sparrowdin]

I hate longing for something I've never actually had

It doesn't actually matter and never mattered, so why does it make my chest tighten