#for Tracy...time. well. spent. :')))))))))))

[wickmitz]

SEDGEWICK SABLE & MITZI MAY : an overall study, part two . part one .

discussing their individual characters, their relationship, their respective scenes, and a plethora of details found in-between.

now that we’re here at the second part of this analysis, we’ve finally reached wick once again in the narrative! in grindstone there are a few things to note, like wick’s haggard state, tired from the events of last night and curing his hangover with more giggle water -- working away on finances he needs to present to the investors before the start of the week. lacy is also there at his house, slaving away on a variety of things we hear more about in sneakthief. it’s noted today is potentially one of her days off, but the workload is potentially a little behind and big enough that she’s decided to lend an extra pair of hands even when she shouldn’t have to. they are busy at work in grindstone, hence the title! there is hardly any time for extra activities that don’t involve wick chained to his desk and slaving away, with him already in poor working condition ; he claims he can’t see a thing he’s writing despite having his reading glasses on, and not only disrupts his time but lacy’s in an attempt to ‘find’ them. he’s very much out of it and whatever work he’s doing will probably need some revisions at best, yet wick’s job is put on hold again when lacy asks if he’s expecting company, a comment which spurs him into hurriedly changing and telling her to stall mitzi at the door. again, we have wick confirming that him and mitzi indeed made ‘last minute plans’ to meet up today, even though he and lacy acknowledge that he has no real time for this. despite that, wick greets her warmly after he’s dressed, also adorned with a fond smile while hovering a hand over the small of her back when ushering her into the foyer so he may fetch the car for their outing. nothing seems too amiss here, though things begin changing come balderdash, where wick noticeably begins crumbling as a character for the first time.

to start off, i think people are rather generous with wick’s character overall. his flaws are limited to readers, to where the most common ‘bad’ traits talked about when referring to his character is : alcoholic ( not a trait ), hypocrite ( accurate! ), and he’s too kind or oblivious. while the latter two can still be something the character can have too much of or lead to genuinely bad traits, this is still an extremely small inspection overall, one that almost shies away from a harsher read. this can be attributed to how little we see of wick, but there are things we can infer via his scenes with mitzi as well as church’s words all the way back in caveat … words which come into play here. during the comic page balderdash, rocky is desperately trying to ward off wick from his beloved miss m, getting rather physical in the meantime -- he’s still seething after the events of last night and in his attempts to thwart wick from helping mitzi further, he decides to lean into the public shared narrative that this widow is dangerous and got her husband killed. we see how strong wick’s faith in mitzi is during this page ever so briefly, looking almost amused at rocky’s words while maintaining an aura of confidence when dismissing these rumors. he says, “i’ve known her a while, rocky. whether out of class or kindness, she wouldn’t harm a fly.” what wick clearly hasn’t considered, however, is what rocky implies next, which is the idea that wick’s paramour could’ve hired someone else to do the dirty work for her … an idea that very quickly disturbs him and shakes his view on mitzi and, perhaps, the lackadaisy, even when he tries verbally dismissing all this as a joke.

despite his dismissal, it’s rather obvious that rocky’s words stay with wick. throughout the date, wick is stuck in a state of doubting things that he’s never entertained before, with no way of discerning what’s appropriate to fret about and what’s not, and this is in no small part because of the verbiage rocky was using. wick thinks he’s doubting mitzi, that he potentially doesn’t know her as well as he thought or that he has a reason to be afraid of her, due to rocky’s claim that she’s dangerous and his insistence on throwing the carnage and consequences of rumrunning onto mitzi as a person. however, his true feelings are rather far from that. while it’s true that wick is riddled with doubt after rocky’s attempt at driving him and mitzi apart, i find it prudent to clarify here that his love for mitzi outweighs those doubts in large measure. wick’s sudden and unfounded fear doesn’t drive him to isolate himself from mitzi, and thus some part of him does still believe that she isn’t a cruel person and that she wouldn’t try to harm him. there’s no reason why he would think otherwise apart from rocky’s unsettling and instigating threats. wick’s fears are both similar and dissimilar to the ones zib voices in blood-money. while zib is worried about the corrupting influence of the life mitzi is leading, wick is more so afraid of the life itself. wick still views mitzi as every bit the charming, funny, and impeccably elegant woman he fell for, but he is now forced to wonder if he would ever be harmed because of her presence in his life. in essence, rather than questioning mitzi as a person, he is worried about the danger inherent in the life she leads and how that danger might directly impact him. unfortunately, though wick seems to at least subconsciously trust mitzi, his doubts stick around like intrusive thoughts, presenting a constant what-if that wick can’t shake, and it’s these very thoughts that continue to make the business-meeting-turned-date as awkward as it is.

now, it’s rather interesting how much the notion of mitzi hiring rocky to kill her husband shakes wick up due to how normal this sort of method is within gangster lifestyles ; with us even seeing atlas absent or abstaining from mordecai and viktor’s violent work ethic, his hands physically clean despite how its his order causing all this destruction and death. asa does the same! they have workers for a reason, ‘faithful operatives’ as rocky so lovingly calls them, and these men are utilized with complete efficiency. it’s not insane to think that mitzi hired another to kill atlas, and besides rocky’s bumbling incompetence, it’s not strange to consider him a likely man for such a job due to his utmost loyalty to miss m over anyone else, including atlas. yet wick acts as though this hasn’t ever crossed his mind, wholeheartedly believing that mitzi would have to kill atlas herself in order to get the job done, something he’s sure she doesn’t have the heart nor the guts to do. he is visibly shaken the rest of the date, one more distraction piled on his plate high, so suddenly paranoid through the haze of perpetual tiredness that he even snaps at mitzi over something as simple as the word bunny. for the first time, i believe wick is thoroughly beginning to question his part in all of this and is starting to reexamine these once harmless aspects now that the inherent danger has been shoved in his face so earnestly. while a part of this is naivety ( he’s far away from the criminal underbelly after all, as rich and comfortable as he is, a lackadaisy patron and nothing more ) i’d also point out that another aspect of it is a sense of subconscious invincibility. perhaps he is too content in his status and wealth and how well he’s been doing to even consider he’s hardly exempt from consequences, much less the side effects of hanging around criminals or dangerous establishments.

it seems rather strange and far-fetched of a claim, but think of church’s warning to him back at the start of the comic ; “you’ve done well lately … but don’t imagine it means you and your reputation are invincible.” it’s easy to dismiss church’s words due to how mean he often is, how overly critical, but he arguably knows wick better than the readers do, so i think it’s pertinent to take his words and to consider them. he’s also not wrong. everything church says in caveat is the god’s honest truth and wick, to some degree, knows this! it’s why he’ll practically regurgitate church’s advice in mephistopheles when rejecting mitzi and explaining why he must reject her proposal. so then why wouldn’t church’s read on wick be somewhat accurate as well? i think wick’s biggest flaw is that he’s too easily caught up in emotional throes while also struggling to think of every tiny detail, an issue that may or may not have to do with how excessive exposure to alcohol has affected his short term memory. he doesn’t bat an eye at the ruffians or violent gangsters who hang around the lackadaisy because they aren’t currently threatening wick himself, and he won’t dwell on it too hard that these men have to procure their hooch somehow, and that it’s said to be a bad business. if it’s not affecting wick and his enjoyment of the establishment ( or the woman he’s eyeing ) then it is not something he concerns himself with or feels the active threat of. has a simple mindset that sort of functions like : well, mitzi wouldn’t be able to kill someone with her bare hands! she’d loathe to get blood on her lavish garments, doesn’t have the coldness inside to see the life leave a man’s eyes! much less her husband’s! it’s ludicrous. imagine knowing the lady and thinking her capable of that, when she looks and acts as she does! …

again, it’s a rather closed-minded view of the whole thing. how could you not consider she has guns for hire? that the men she surrounds herself with are indeed dangerous individuals who are more than willing to watch the life leave another’s eyes for her? he sees viktor at the bar and in the pilot even appears intimidated by his stature and scarred face, yet doesn’t think twice about what a man like that is doing there on mitzi’s paycheck? even thinks it normal to take viktor to the hospital after hearing that viktor’s been shot at the lackadaisy, not at all considering that police and doctors would pry. wick is extremely privileged and short sighted here, a little full of himself and what he can get away with -- this is the very same man who actively showed interest in a man’s wife, for crying out loud, and didn’t at all consider that someone like atlas would’ve killed him had he known wick’s intentions. this is more than just being blind or oblivious. while i love wick for his kindness and loyalty, i can also admit that he’s still a capitalist at the end of the day, and a successful one at that. him getting too big for his britches and throwing himself into scenarios without considering how this will affect him is extremely likely for his character, and is exactly what he did when agreeing to meet with mitzi the first night in lackadaisy. i believe wick was too caught up in the passion and euphoria of finally getting what he wanted, and started making promises and plans he couldn’t necessarily deliver on, not thinking at all about the logistics or the next day and instead focused on some whimsical future. he loves the lackadaisy and he adores mitzi, so why not invest in it? sure, they can discuss the details tomorrow, he has time just for her … and then reality hit him like a train twice over, leaving wick scrambling around aimlessly. he knows what he has to do but doesn’t want to actually do it, which instead makes him seem completely disinterested and wishy-washy instead.

( i also want it on record that the potential of harm or danger really scares wick when he’s made aware of its presence, at least in certain scenarios. while he can brush off the pig farmers raiding the lackadaisy and viktor’s injuries, he can’t ignore rocky’s threat or its implications because this is shoved directly into wick’s face rather unsubtly. what wick gets from the lackadaisy is mitzi, it’s some strange sense of belonging, and a break from his stressful normal life -- it’s not the awful booze he’s interested in, it’s not the thrill of being in the center of danger, it’s the mindless company and vague sense of ‘i have a seat here, right here, around all these people who don’t seem forever irritated by my presence.’ it’s also the rocks but that’s less poetic. point is, wick’s horrific loneliness and ridicule from his peers is what has him drinking at the lackadaisy instead of in the wine cellar he has at home, which means him being perfectly blind to the danger the workers there face is all the more heartbreaking. he won’t ever truly be one of them until he’s actually breached their criminal lifestyle in its entirety. he may pose with them in pictures, but he’s still an outsider in title. he can’t choose them over his business because he needs and wants his business and, clearly, the lackadaisy needs that too. he can’t sacrifice his safety but he doesn’t want to sit idly by and allow mitzi and her employees to suffer because he is still a very kind man. it all exists in extremes and is what makes wick’s arc fascinating in my eyes … his character also becomes more interesting with this in mind, more human, and that’s exactly why i adore him and mitzi ( and their relationship ) as much as i do )

though here we are, finally done with the detours and event recapping to discuss the original question : what is wick’s and mitzi’s mindset during their date? we have all the tools available and any further information i may give later should be extra elaboration at this point rather than anything new. after all, in order to understand why the date went the way it did we had to understand wick and mitzi’s individual characters and what they feel towards each other, what they think they feel, as well as how their relationship has functioned so far. and with a multitude of misconceptions cleared up too, this section hopefully seems a bit more straightforward, though i suppose we’ll wait and see. now, we’ll be discussing the pages doublet, drollery, veracity, photomajig, briar-patch, and mephistopheles … plus some of the date’s aftermath much, much later!

at the start of doublet ( and carrying into drollery ) mitzi and wick are seated in a rowboat, with wick doing the rowing while she’s situated comfortably on a pillow and enjoying the view ; typical of their gender roles during that time. wick looks almost quizzical in the first panel we see of him, though some of that tenseness appears to leave his face by the time mitzi turns to look at him … only for such a look to return when she says, ‘let’s talk business, wick.’

throughout this page and the others it becomes obvious wick very much doesn’t want to discuss business with mitzi, despite that being the purpose of their little meetup at all. he’s extremely quiet when she begins rambling on about how wrong her approach had been last night, how she should’ve just sought wick out to begin with ( an interesting thing for her to say given how reluctant she was to use him initially ). there is a wave of compliments and flattery here from mitzi, an almost buttering up, and it’s worth saying that what works a genuine smile out of wick here is mitzi saying something as simple and as romantic as liking his face. it’s undoubtedly an earnest expression, still tired but softened considerably, and wick will continue to show that what he’s most receptive to are mitzi’s advances, her small flirty remarks and gestures. but once again, when she decides to come out and say what she’s trying to discuss with wick, ‘i’d like you to be my business partner’, he quickly shuts down. his expression falls and he becomes even more quiet than before, enough so to prompt mitzi ( who’s now rowing with him ) to ask if he’s lost interest overnight. all wick can muster in response is some hesitantly worded excuses, like how he’s a little tired and that this proposal is a lot to think about. i say these are excuses because i think wick knew from the start that he was going to reject mitzi’s deal, whatever it was, because now that reality has set in he’s come to understand church’s warning as pure facts. there was never a moment during the outing where wick was even thinking about mitzi’s offer, and he does everything he can to avoid discussing it because he knows his answer.

mitzi, similarly, only wishes to discuss business with wick here -- it’s what she came over for, after all, and she’s at the end of her rope after last night’s and today’s events. she needs this deal and wick’s money, to the point where she remains almost purposefully stereotypical throughout their entire outing. gone is the more genuine bond between them that we saw in rendezvous, because now every time mitzi does a romantic action ( or a sexual one ) it’s wooden and rather fake ; it’s her feeling as though there’s no other choice and being desperate enough to stoop so low if it means wick won’t reject her business. their wants and desires are complete opposites at this point, with wick wanting this to be a date and to be with mitzi while the woman in question is avoidant of any lovesick antics until she feels like she’s losing wick. there’s definitely some manipulation happening on mitzi’s end just as much as there’s some purposeful misleading on wick’s, with both of their behaviors rubbing the other party the wrong way ; wick is still on edge due to rocky’s comment and is prone to getting upset whenever mitzi so much as jokes about it, and then we have mitzi, who’s already dealt with a similar situation today with asa, someone who dragged her to an outing she didn’t ask for and then avoided the conversation she wanted to have with him. for perhaps the first time, neither wick nor mitzi are really seeing each other anymore, they’re instead doubting one another where there had once been ironclad resolve and are too blinded by their desires to have an honest conversation about any of this. add this on top of how exhausted and stressed they both are, it’s no wonder their ‘date’ was doomed from the start.

i also want it on record that mitzi is being extremely open and upfront here about what she wants from wick from the first page. she didn’t waste any time before making her intentions with him clear! this isn’t me dismissing her more manipulative behavior during the date, but she certainly doesn’t use wick to the extent some people act like she does. rather than asking him to be an investor, she tells wick she wants him to be her business partner who would get 40% of the revenue and a 40% say in her decisions regarding the lackadaisy. it doesn’t seem like much, but given how little wick actually needs this money back, it’s a rather generous offer all around, with it almost being half and half. while she’s still undoubtedly using him, there is still a level of respect here, i think, some kind of : well, if i have to use wick, let me at least make the terms as good as they can be. some fans act as though mitzi deceived wick from the start when i’ve more than proved she’s mostly been completely transparent with him outside of a few select situations, which happen to be moments where her desperation turns her impulsive and wholly selfish, as seen briefly in rendezvous and whenever she flirts with wick during their outing. an impulsive instinct that will only worsen come sneakthief, when mitzi is utterly humiliated, angry, and at the very end of her already thinned rope. to me, it’s important to understand that her reasons for her actions during this arc are understandable and, perhaps, a bit sympathetic -- but that and the fact that what she does is wrong can coexist. wick is in a similar boat, where i mostly want to present him through a neutral lens so we can understand that he’s also done some wrong himself and is hardly a perfect victim, but that these wrongdoings still don’t dismiss the fact he shouldn’t have been stolen from or had his affections used. but i’ve gotten a little ahead of myself, so let’s dive back into doublet and drollery.

doublet ends with mitzi cooing at wick in an almost teasing but fond tone, calling him a ‘poor bunny,’ a comment so unremarkable that she’s not at all anticipating wick to react rather aggressively. he’s sort of accusatory and defensive, as though bristling from the mere title alone. we quickly find out in the next page ( and from his mumbling before his outburst ) that he’s still unable to shake rocky’s threats from balderdash, to the point of internalizing the confusing metaphor he was given, which wick hardly understands but is still reactive towards. he’s tired and stressed and on top of that he’s suddenly nervous for his life, it’s little wonder why he’s so jumpy. mitzi, in turn, expresses utter confusion at his question and, when wick explains that rocky insinuated he killed atlas because she wanted him to, she begins making light of the situation … much to wick’s dismay. to her, it’s just not something to take seriously! and she repeatedly pokes fun at the mere idea, going back and forth between ‘i’m kidding!’s and ‘or am i?’s until relenting entirely, going on to tease wick for believing she’d do something so awful and for taking rocky’s words as something to be worried about. drollery is a deceptively important page, as it’s a great demonstration of how little wick and mitzi are understanding each other. it makes complete sense for mitzi to make light of the situation and to be unable to understand why wick is so afraid, considering that rocky idolizes her and therefore has never threatened her or even done so much as to appear annoyed around her. in stark contrast, wick’s emotional state here is frazzled and fraught, and he’s in desperate need of some sort of comfort. he seems to get that comfort when mitzi teases him about believing rocky, only for fear to take over once again when mitzi casually mentions, ‘rocky’s name is definitely not on my murderers-for-hire roster,’ implying that she still has one even if rocky himself isn’t on it. wick is noticeably so shocked or frightened that he stops rowing, and then there’s a brief timeskip before we see the pair again in veracity.

what i find most prudent to talk about during this page is the discussion of atlas may between the pair, with wick asking two rather wise questions ; if the talk about mitzi’s part in her husband’s death is false and, if so, why not speak up on it? her answer is rather similar both times, saying she didn’t kill atlas because she loved him, and that she doesn’t like discussing the circumstances surrounding his death due to how fresh it all still is. she begins fiddling with her necklace, a telltale sign that her late husband is on her mind, before offering something rather interesting.

as we know it, mitzi is a rather reserved and private person, and that goes tenfold for anything involving atlas post mortem, an aspect of her character that’s even referenced in this very page! so for this to even be offered, albeit hesitantly, is fascinating on many levels and can be read through two lenses. either this is a genuine offer from mitzi or a fake one in an attempt to garner wick into her corner, with the promise of a solved mystery in his pocket. both are completely valid interpretations of this scene given where mitzi’s currently at, and i won’t dismiss either one. however, i personally view her words here as an honest invitation, one she’s extremely reluctant to give but is willing to let it be out there regardless. she’s not promising that wick will get this information, it’s merely a possibility ; if such a question truly weighs on him so heavily, then perhaps she can find it in herself to someday tell him about atlas. i think mitzi is more than willing to give wick that sort of honesty in return if he decides to help her out -- which, in a way, is a blend of the two options i brought up earlier. i just don’t see why she’d bring this rather sensitive and personal wound up to wick at all unless she was serious about it, given how avoidant she usually is with this subject.

one aspect of lackadaisy that i rarely see brought up is the tangible theme of grief. mitzi is often interpreted without her grief being a factor, or her grief being a small obstacle that she simply needs to ‘get over’. this is hardly how grief works, especially not when a loss is sudden and violent, as atlas’ death unquestionably was. this is to say nothing of the horrific circumstances that followed mitzi afterwards -- while previously, she was a wealthy socialite, sheltered from harm and the particularly gruesome details of her husband’s work, she is now forced to wear shoes that are far too big and bloody for her to fill. i find it prudent to digress and harp on this a bit, as it’s hardly ever mentioned in the lackadaisy fandom that it can be incredibly difficult for a grieving person to hear the name of their lost loved one, especially when you’re someone as reluctant to share your feelings as mitzi is. hell, mordecai just hearing atlas’ name once was enough for him to flee the luncheon and squirrel himself away in mitzi’s car. and not only has atlas been brought up twice today already, he’s been used as a tool to threaten mitzi’s life. while wick could hardly know that his discussion of the rumors surrounding atlas’ death might have a serious impact on mitzi considering the context of what happened that day, he certainly belatedly realizes that his words have the very real capacity for hurting mitzi -- he just doesn’t realize how much. with this in mind, there is undoubtedly something to be said about how mitzi offers to talk to wick about atlas at all, with us being able to read into this as a testament to their previous closeness or miss may’s rising and almost animalistic desperation. wick’s response to this is rather telling too, with him immediately rejecting her offer due to mitzi not ‘owing’ him such an explanation and apologizing for bringing atlas’s death up at all, as well as expressing that he’s duly ashamed of himself for it. while this puts a damper on their outing ( and gives wick another excuse to try and avoid mitzi’s desired topic by ending things early ) there’s no denying that even when they’re on relatively strained terms, a glimmer of respect and care for each other keeps shining through. it’s either that or wick just has impeccable manners and an innate understanding that bringing up a widow’s murdered husband during what’s supposed to be a date isn’t a wise move. or, like always, it’s probably a mix of the two. this fondness and affection towards one another, as subconscious as it may be, is highlighted once again in photomajig! a page which i won’t talk about too much, but one that’s integral nonetheless.

realizing things aren’t going the way she wants them to go, mitzi spies an opportunity to prolong and ‘fix’ things when seeing a photo booth, one which she drags a curious wick to with a renewed smile upon her face. for the first three-ish photos, wick seems rather apprehensive about this situation, likely still feeling their earlier talk in its awful entirety ; only for mitzi to physically tug and pull at him in an attempt to help him loosen up, going as far as to pinch his cheeks into a poor facsimile of a smile for the camera. after this, wick gives more of an attempt during the next two pictures, mimicking mitzi’s pose both times and seeming to find himself having fun despite circumstances. there’s a noticeable shift in the photos where the two not only appear to be enjoying themselves, but are actively enjoying one another’s company. for a couple shots it’s almost like the current despairing state surrounding them disappears entirely as they silently fawn over each other and indulge in some harmless fun, with these three specific pictures being prime examples of this.

there’s no denying that wick is visibly smitten with mitzi here once he loosens up, burdened with an overwhelming attraction his face can barely hide once the date begins feeling like an actual date. mitzi’s more subtle, though there’s a lightness to her expressions that feel less forced and sad, actively engaging in ridiculous poses and naturally falling into more loving gestures without much orchestrated affections on her end. you can see what they could perhaps be like as a genuine couple if they could allow themselves such a future ; happy and silly and capturing memories to always keep … and this brief insight makes what happens at the end much more devastating, where we see mitzi ( who has, maybe, remembered herself and her goal ) throw this away to force herself onto wick again with a bruising force, attempting to take advantage of his good mood so they can talk about her business proposal again. just like that the moments are gone, as are their more honest feelings, and although wick still dodges the topic yet again ( which, as previously stated, he shouldn’t be doing given the true purpose of this outing ) he retains a more playful attitude than before. joking that he was planning on running away from mitzi until he begins looking rather smug and adoring while teasing her ‘ruthless’ strategy, and how it doesn’t leave him in an advantageous negotiating position. the page ends with them realizing they’ve cultivated an audience with their antics as wick laments he’d hate to disrupt them with business talk -- a sarcastic remark undoubtedly, but further drives my previous points home nonetheless.

now we approach the last stretch of this analysis, centering around wick’s rejection of mitzi and then briefly touching upon her stealing his money. briar-patch is an intricate dance between two exhausted parties, but this exhaustion is exactly what makes it so easy for them to fall into their normal styles of talking. the next time we see the pair, they’ve left the park and have since returned to wick’s home ; holed up in his wine cellar and enjoying some quality wine. it’s very interesting that wick has an entire underground room full of illicit beverages when he so often frequents the lackadaisy, though i digress. still sporting his improved mood, wick behaves rather coyly during most of briar-patch, rambling about the bottle of wine mitzi asks him about and implying he’s too socially awkward to properly entertain a lady … this is an obvious lie, and it’s one mitzi doesn’t hesitate to call out, but this doesn’t dampen his spirits any. once again looking smitten at the woman sitting in his lap, his tail seeming to curl slightly around her outstretched leg. it all paints a rather fond and romantic picture, in spite of its context.

just like mitzi with his earlier fabrication, wick sees through her attempts at getting him drunk until he acquiesces to her proposal, though doesn’t visually appear mad at mitzi for this. naturally, she denies the claim -- a little tipsy and not at all a good liar, instead resorting to a minor guilt trip -- ‘i’m starting to worry you’re leading me on,’ -- as another way to nudge wick into her desired direction. i’m sure wick knows what mitzi is getting at when she claims he’s leading her on, but he chooses to ignore her true meaning by saying that he couldn’t be leading her on because he’s been eyeing mitzi since she was married to atlas. and mitzi admits to knowing about his interest … making a slight remark that she’s surprised atlas didn’t have him killed for it. we see more evidence of wick’s avoidance towards the topic of murderers for hire in his very clear statement of ‘…that’s comforting. anyway’. wick goes on to immediately dismiss the very real danger he was in and confess that he ‘couldn’t help’ being attracted to mitzi. this highlights one of wick’s other flaws ; his belief that he is unable to resist his impulses and that this somehow absolves him of the consequences of his actions. he could very easily have gotten over his initial attraction to mitzi instead of constantly mooning over her and feeding his interest. he could also have thought through mitzi’s invitation and decided against sacrificing his investors and their reputations for his own gain. this flaw can be tied into his alcoholism as well, where we see that wick has poor impulse control yet again when, after just being scolded by his secretary for drinking, he then pours hooch into his coffee when her back is turned, not even waiting for her to leave the room. all of this is to say that wick has a penchant for ignoring the consequences of his impulsive decisions and struggles heavily with the awkwardness involved in taking accountability for them.

we then move onto the next page where lacy interrupts the two, asking if wick could drive her home since bix, wick’s driver, isn’t outside anymore. wick, who admits to essentially forgetting about her presence, promises he’ll be up in a second to take her home -- and it’s that scene which marks the end of the date. wick was more than content to drag this on as long as possible, having been all but relaxed and cozy earlier, in a manner of undress with mitzi ( who had taken her heels off ) and filling the air with meaningless conversation. these aren’t the actions of a man who is eager to push the lady out the door, but rather someone who enjoys this reality too much to do the right thing and end it ; to save them both the now wasted time because they both have businesses to run, and can’t afford pleasantries like dates that last hours … or, in mitzi’s case, this was never what she wanted at all with this meeting, and wick knew that deep down and purposefully withheld from addressing the topic until the end was near, and then there wasn’t much else he could do except finally come clean. his face falls and scrunches, initially turned away from his company before he begins to let her down, fidgeting by scrubbing his neck and avoiding her gaze again by looking into his wine glass. i think paying attention to wick’s body language is always important, because his tone and how he speaks is rather glib in nature.

wick is a character who doesn’t really speak emotionally with his voice ; perpetually stuck in a stuffy but charming sort of tone as seen in the pilot ( even when he’s noticeably angry at rocky’s implications of dynamite and machinery ) as well as here, where his words are so casual sounding that it’s hard not to view them as apathetic. starting his rejection with a polite but seemingly uncaring, “uh, i was saying … i’d love for this to work out … but, uh …” he sounds like he’s talking to a stranger, almost, someone who came up to him on the street with a business proposition rather than with a girl who he cares for and selfishly kept the entire evening once he could manage it. even his verbal hesitation can be viewed as indifference. he carries this normal air afterwards too, able to seem unfazed during sneakthief and chauffeur ; propped with a casualness to him and his words that make it hard to comprehend that the situation is as bad as it is. as mentioned above, wick is rather short-sighted and tends not to think through the finer points of things. he has a notable talent for dismissing schools of thought that aren’t immediately pertinent, and i’d argue that he has a penchant for self-soothing, burying his problems in fine wines and expensive toys. it’s not outside the realm of possibility that wick would immediately fall back into his glib, carefree tone, trying to soothe himself with the normalcy of bantering with lacy. it’s probably fairly easy to write wick off as never being too interested in mitzi because of this, but given the rest of his character ( along with the brief faltering we see in his expression here and there ) that’s likely not at all true. honestly, i believe he’s even less likely to consider the true consequences of what’s transpired, considering that he a.) completely dismisses lacy’s assertion that mitzi had been rifling through her things and threatening her with dismemberment, b.) is so tired he is hallucinating a duck and therefore can’t drive straight, and c.) is definitely drunk, having seemingly polished off two bottles with mitzi over the course of the date.

sedgewick sable, for all intents and purposes, is a businessman and a capitalist after all. and while he’s leagues better than his peers in terms of kindness, passion, and humbleness, there’s still no denying that he’s still a man made of money who has to spend hours of his day rubbing elbows with blue blood types. he may be an outlier, but he’s secured investors for a reason and isn’t new to the social games that are a part of that environment. can’t be, when he can act so confident and ‘better than’ when such displays are needed from him. i understand the narrative of wick being ‘socially inept’ or ‘socially awkward’, because he is to a degree, though i think some people have the habit of erasing him of any competency entirely. during quarryman, caveat, and quacksalver, wick does well when holding his own and is able to keep an almost smug look about him even when faced with ridicule or critique from his wealthy peers ; never letting their insults or boredom stick, and behaving as if he’s amused by their comments at best.

i don’t think wick truly feels unbothered by these events nor do i believe his constant pleasant tone is always genuine. there’s a case to be made here about masking : the practice of concealing or suppressing aspects of one's ( potentially ) neurodivergent traits or conditions, in order to fit in with the norms of the workplace or society. it may be a ruse, but it’s a damn good one, to the point where it’s potentially taken over how he speaks entirely. and it’d make sense given the themes surrounding wick’s character already, but i’ll just leave that there for now. what matters in the context of him rejecting mitzi and his behavior thereafter is that wick has a really bad habit of coming across as uncaring on occasion, something not only the reader could be fooled by, but mitzi as well ; in her already sensitive state, still angry and hurting from asa’s imposed lunch as well as last night’s many humiliating events. despite this, the actual wording of wick’s confession, as distant as it may seem, is rather purposeful in my eyes, because he says : “i’d love for this to work out, but, uh … not if it’s contingent on a business partnership.” here, wick makes it clear that he’s not rejecting a romantic relationship with mitzi, merely the business proposal itself. if she wanted to date him without the business part, than wick would be more than willing to indulge her -- and even during the rejection itself, he never comes across as mad or angry at her in particular, expressions-wise. just rather saddened about things, a little shameful, but he seems to hold little issue with mitzi even though he’s still uncertain of her motives.

it’s also worth noting that despite wick’s feelings for mitzi being ‘obvious’, it’s very likely mitzi has no clue what those feelings really are in nature. to her, it could be a physical interest and nothing more, and given how she acts around wick ( as in, being extremely touchy physically ) i think her views of his attraction veer towards more shallow waters than sickly sweet romance. something that adds further insult to injury here, and makes her rather aggressive reaction, where she essentially says this :

all the more understandable, and honestly a rather human reaction all around. people love to dismiss everything mitzi says as ‘manipulative’ or ‘fake’, but tracy herself has essentially called wick a hypocrite before too … so there’s more truth to her words here than fans are comfortable to admit. while cruel, there’s honesty to what she’s saying. wick is indeed, by definition, a hypocrite. he also has, undoubtedly, led her on throughout this entire date and did so on purpose. she has every reason to lash out at him here and to continue doing so afterwards, torn between being angry at him as well as desperately needing him in turn ; still throwing herself at wick in a last ditch attempt to save things, even though we know she regrets and loathes such actions. her shallow view of wick’s affections isn’t exactly helped when, in response to her still biting words, he calls her mephistopheles and draws attention to her curves. if you don’t know, mephistopheles is a demon who corrupts the souls of men, and in some interpretations is said to take on desirable and pleasing forms. while a rather mean remark ( something mitzi even points out ) wick’s lips are in a tiny smile, eyebrows raised as he stares at mitzi with lidded eyes … it reads more like a tease, an action that the two engage in often when talking to each other ( as can be seen here, and other such instances ), rather than being a scathing review of character like mitzi’s words previously.

still, despite mitzi’s tempting offer of the more sexual implication, wick holds his ground and stays true to his rejection. a rejection that was practically just church’s words to him word-for-word, might i add. the date ends here and they separate. but i’d be remiss to not even briefly discuss sneakthief and other events afterwards, since they’re rather major in nature. though i will only talk about these events briefly, since they’re an entirely other can of worms and this analysis is long enough as it is.

as we’ve thoroughly covered thus far, mitzi stealing a blank check from wick’s checkbook wasn’t her plan all along, nor was it even a malicious action on her end. it was pure desperation that drove her to steal, just like it was pure desperation that drove her to play the condescending, evil crime boss gig to lacy … a gig she’s scarily good at, and one she’ll probably utilize more in the future. and no, this doesn’t dismiss how awful these actions are, it merely explains them. mitzi is not some evil manipulative mastermind, she literally heard about the checkbook in lacy’s bag and instantly ( foolishly! ) stole it immediately thereafter, basically getting caught as well. mitzi doesn’t even seem to think about what she’s doing before she moves to do it, a side effect of her all consuming obsession and, again, her desperation. these are hardly the actions of a woman who’s thinking reasonably or with any level of coldness, even if her actions here are extremely selfish. still, there’s no excusing it, though mitzi tries to find some justifications for her actions in an obvious attempt to soothe her own mind and, perhaps, to make her actions more palpable to even herself. you see this in backalley, where she briefly touches upon her actions in a way she won’t ever do again.

she’s rationalizing it to herself, thinking wholeheartedly that she’ll pay it all back eventually, and that she isn’t intending to take this money without giving any of it back. this is rather shortsighted of her, since a.) she doesn’t know if she’ll be able to make this money back, enough so to be able to give it to wick, and b.) that’s hardly the issue here, when the real betrayal lies within the fact she’s done this to wick at all. like most things, mitzi’s clouded view isn’t allowing her to realize the extent of what she’s done … i don’t even think she’s understanding that by doing this, she has potentially lost wick as a friend forever. or if she has realized this, it hasn’t begun weighing on her yet -- which is understandable, given her fight with zib and his disappearance right after the fact, as well as her beloved necklace being broken. there are just other things on her mind besides wick sable! and that’s the tragedy, isn’t it? there’s no room for her to really evaluate her feelings about him or him at all when she’s so obsessed with the abstraction of her late husband and all he represents ; down to the pearls she wears of him and the bad reputation he kept. it’s still easy to justify things in this state, to talk in circles about how wick is too nice to be mad at her or send her to jail and how she’ll eventually pay him back, when there’s no clarity for her. mitzi knows what she’s doing is reprehensible but she doesn’t know how bad it all is yet, something tracy has, again, said about her before. the last we see of mitzi in the comic currently is her saying this, which isn’t the expression nor the words of someone who is feeling anything but awful, though has found company and comfort in it despite the pain :

and we’ve now reached the end of this analysis! i want to give an immense thank you to anyone who’s sat through and read all of this from beginning to end given its length! and i also want to say that i understand some of the things covered here are a bit vague when compared to other parts, so if anyone has further questions or wishes to discuss this further, please feel free to do so! i view this project as an overall analysis rather than one that’s extremely specific to certain topics, so because of that ( and for your sanity and mine ) there were things i was curt with on purpose. trust me when i say that there’s not one aspect of these characters or their relationship that i haven’t given immense thought to, or analyzed. similarly, to reiterate my earlier disclaimers, everything i’ve said here is said with neutral evaluation at best and with some bias at worst, a bias that pertains to both wick and mitzi. i adore them both equally and i don’t want my words here to be twisted as me saying one of them deserves ‘better’ than the other, because frankly i care very little for that argument. at the end of the day, they’re two extremely human characters : flawed and intense and existing in multiple extremes, good and bad, and that’s exactly why their relationship fascinates me. i’m not here to play the moral police on fictional characters who are actively in a morally ambiguous work, i’m here to merely observe them and hopefully give them justice in my readings of their dynamic and respective complex characters … especially since i don’t think the fandom has done a good job of that for either of them!

though this is still just my opinion and analysis of the text that’s been given to us, so to each their own. i feel like i have so much more to say or elaborate upon, but this is a nice little place to leave it for now, so again, thank you all … and thank you tracy butler for squeezing my brain for thousands of words worth of braincells that has went into studying her comic like the bible <3 and then actually writing those thoughts down like some insane person!

[the--last-great-american-dynasty]

OATHBOUND SPOILERS

I'M NOT KIDDING. I NEED TO GET OUT MY THOUGHTS SO THIS IS SERIOUS SPOILER TERRITORY. READ WITH CAUTION.

yeah, so Oathbound was... insane. and absolutely fucking incredible. Tracy somehow managed to exceed my very high expectations and left me wanting for the fourth book as quick as possible.

for one. literally the prologue made me cry. when Bree woke up without anyone left in her mind??? i was just devastated. i genuinely can't think of a much worse fate than to suddenly just lose the memory of the people you love.

and then suddenly we get a William pov. guys i SCREAMED when I saw we were getting that. William is legitimately one of my favorite characters and a whole fucking pov from him??? i could not have asked for more. i do wish we got more of his pov towards the end, but like, this book is already 640 pages so i get it. him and Lark are such a duo too. they spent basically this entire book together and i loved the conflict between them but also the very clear attraction. "and if Larkin Douglas happens to be the most alluring cambion i've ever met, well, that might just be due to our proximity." William. babe. and when Lark called William sweetheart??? i LOST it.

the Mariah pov took me utterly off guard. i could never have guessed we'd get to see her side but i LOVED it. her and Valec's relationship is the sweetest. Valec clearly cares for her so much and their family is just really sweet in general. i'm still so nervous for Alice and so so sad that she still isn't awake. that's a death that would hurt me. but Mariah honestly pulled through in so many ways this book and it was so good to see more of her. also my girl is POWERFUL. i knew when she put the heart on that some shit would go down, but DAMN. my girl held back Mikael himself. fucking POWERHOUSE.

i wasn't super shocked at the Natasia pov but it was so interesting. it was very interesting to see her as a mother above all else and how much love and guilt she feels towards Sel. she was also... not the personality i was expecting? i guess i thought she'd be more like Sel? i'm not really sure tbh. but i was just WAITING for her to find out that Bree was the real Scion of Arthur and it did not disappoint. i really want her and Faye's relationship to be expanded on. and, of course, more of her with Erebus and Sel.

speaking of Sel... well, i'm actually gonna wait till the end for him

Nick Davis again proved himself to be literally one of the best characters. dude... he's just so good. like he's so smart and so protective and just so so kind and loving the entire time. he's also an impulsive idiot with a savior complex, but it's neither here nor there. i had no idea what his game was for the curia and i fear he played everyone. i was also SO glad William and Lark both stepped up to join him. but my boy is just so impulsive and the thing with the Morgaines was, uh, not his best move, i gotta say. also his power. my god, he is immensely powerful. and it's so interesting to watch it play out. His ability to literally unwind aether is, like, insane. it's so interesting that Lancelot and Arthur had their own oath built in, binding Nick and Bree together even more. speaking of, i had thoroughly missed him and Bree's relationship in Bloodmarked and this book did NOT disappoint. when I realized that Bree and Zoe, Mariah, and Nick were all going to end up at Penumbra, I was on the edge of my fucking seat. i immediately knew that he was the other thief and when he finally realized it was Bree i almost cried. especially because he just immediately understood her loss. Erebus had held over Bree's head the threat that people would be angry that she'd forgotten them, but Nick just understood immediately. and he was just so good to her. the playing at fiancés thing was hilarious and Tracy gave us the one bed trope!!! one of my favorites!!!! the tension between then was so thick and i was just waiting for it to come to a head. and my god did it not disappoint. this definitely ended up being the steamiest of her books (nothing explicit but still steamy). then, of course, you can't really not mention the communions and Nick's confessions. his unending love for Bree is just so beautiful. he even knew about Bree and Sel for the most part and just still was never angry at her. the fucking shadow crown piece in his chest was dumb as hell, but he did still looking out for Bree and I just can't fault my guy for that.

Bree... my beautiful, powerful Bree. so much of her story is just so tragic but my girl just kept pulling through. i think it was Valec that said that so many people with fractured souls are led astray from their path, and yet Bree continued on. she continued to fight for the people she loved, even when she didn't remember them. she is so good and lovely and such a character. also i LOVED her with the twins. we obviously saw a lot more of Zoe than Elijah, but i really loved their relationship development. Bree and Zoe's relationship was so sweet and they cared so much for each other. (also Zoe is a trans femme cambion??? like slay???) their humanity really shown through above all else, and Zoe's care for Bree and the rootcrafters was so sweet. i really hope we see them again in the next book. i'm not ready to let them go. and Bree, in the words of Valec, is a fucking powerhouse. when she first made that barrier around her with Erebus, i knew we were entering a different level of power. she leveled up so hard. it was incredible watching gain power and when she fucking broke down Erebus' ward??? incredible. not to mention literally fucking chaining Daeza, like damn. she had some intense character development in this book and really came into herself. and as much as the loss of memory hurt me... i also know that Bree developed so much because of it. watching her just not know anyone was so painful for me though. speaking of, her reunion with her dad? i literally burst into tears. honestly, her reaction made me really miss my dad (i haven't seen him in a couple months). also her continued relationship with the rootcrafters was also incredibly important to me and i'm so glad that they had such a heavy play in this. they are also clearly a very important part of this story and i'm so glad that this continues to be acknowledged and used. i also did not see souls coming into play with this. the shattering of her soul, Valec's less than pleasant reaction, the scar tissue, the missing piece... god, there was just so many layers.

the end of this book was intense. like super duper intense. the confrontation with Erebus. the end of their bargain. and their entrapment of the fucking Shadow King (shout out to my girl Mariah, again pulling through). Bree basically forcibly getting back her missing piece of soul and the memories returning. Erebus crawling away like a baby. dude got fucked up.

and this, of course, brings me to Sel. oh, my boy, i mourn for him so much. i miss the character we had in Bloodmarked with ever inch of my being. this is not how i thought we would see his character go. i just assumed that we'd get him back from his demonia and god. his character was so interesting but so painful because of the loss of the Sel we know and love. and we just... never got him back. when i saw the line "...because Selwyn Kane is dead" i honestly almost had a mental breakdown. i sobbed so hard and couldn't believe it... and then, of course, he wasn't dead. but the Shadow King's son. and now the heir of Bree's bloodmark.... damnnnnn, i did not see that coming at all. granted, i did have my suspicions about the relationship between Erebus and Natasia. i kinda figured it was more. but i guess i never expected for that to mean that Sel was his son. which means that Sel is has much more demon blood than anyone expected. which changes so much. god.

i haven't given up on him. nor have i given up on the Sel-Bree-Nick relationship. there were still hints throughout, of Sel and Nick's relationship, of Bree and Sel's. i really want to have faith that the Sel we knew can return. but i honestly fear that we've lost him completely now because of his claim on the shadow crown.

this book was everything i could have wanted and more. i laughed and cried and was literally so stressed out for so much of it but i'm 100% going to be rereading it again soon to absorb more of it. and Tracy... not to like pressure you, but PLEASE, i am BEGGING for the fourth book to come out quickly. i'm not sure i'll survive another two years without more answers.

⚔️💙💜❤️⚔️

[jensettermandu]

vampire - aeri uchinaga

genre; angst, fluff (not much), sfw

pairing; giselle x female reader

content; unhealthy relationship; poor communication, 'i can fix her' - aeri, 'hot and cold' - y/n, arguments, jealousy, and toxicity in general. 6th member of lsfm, 01' liner.

synopsis; aeri can't help but feel like she's in a relationship with a vampire the way her girlfriend bleeds her dry, but she also can't help but continue to feed into all of her whims and desires despite it feeling like she isn't getting a drop of blood back.

wc; 7.6k+

songs; big city blues - lil peep , risqué - cute is what we aim for , tragic girl - weezer , candles - juice wrld , your favourite dress - lil peep/lil tracy

masterlist

“I missed you,”

Aeri expected to hear the same words back, but she should have known better, however, Y/n was impossible to read most of the time. It had been over a year yet Aeri felt like she was at times still on the same page as when she first talked to the girl. 

Y/N was impossible to learn because she changed more than the weather. Her girlfriend was hard to love, but even harder to understand for anyone, yet Aeri was putting her whole heart on the line and would always take a leap of faith for Y/n. There was no transparency to her, but there were cracks at times. 

It wasn’t Y/n that messed up, but Aeri saying these words of affection after longing for someone she viewed as her other half. She shouldn’t have said that she had been longing after her. It wasn’t even metaphorical; a wall dropped down between them and Y/n was no longer in her arms.

“Yeah well, you wouldn’t miss me so much if you decided to spend more time with me.”

She forgot how cold the nights could get at times, especially when they weren’t in each other’s arms. The days ran busy and nights were used to suffice exhaustion and she knew that she had spent less time with her girlfriend. Y/n was high-maintenance as her friends had told her; Y/n’s friends included. 

It didn’t help that they both lived in dorms and it did limit them at times. 

Y/n was also hot and cold.

Their meetings felt almost like secret affairs which Y/n would complain about now and then. The quiet–in Aeri’s opinion serene and intimate–rendezvous after dark with just them and no one else around as they would walk along the sidewalks, talking, gazing, sharing a bond and intimacy. 

The wind somewhat howled as it blew from the corner of the apartment building’s rounding. Aeri had yet to move as she watched Y/n’s slim figure walking away from her, the only small light being the one from the girl’s phone. 

How much sacrifice was love worth?

Aeri wasn’t going to put a limit now; she was ready to go until she dropped dead with no heart left to keep her alive because Y/n had consumed it all; blood and flesh because she was aware of how selfish the girl could be. She could hand her her heart, but Y/n would grab her whole and rip her to shreds to fulfil her hunger; with Aeri possibly getting something back. 

It didn’t end there because Y/n would then spit her right back out.

It was what she wanted in the end; for Y/n to just want her too, no matter how she wanted her as long as she did even if the girl didn’t want her after.

Could she blame Y/n? No. She was aware that her girlfriend had been through a lot, that it all led to walls being put up and that whenever something was off the smallest amount; new walls dropped. Aeri was willing to sacrifice for her love; she was stuck with the mentality of being able to help Y/n.

One step forward could at times mean ten steps backwards though.

It had been a long day, she should have been back in the dorm, sleeping, they were still promoting their new album. Aeri was drained as it was, but she was offering herself for Y/n’s sake. 

“Y/n, I’m not in the mood to run after you tonight.” Her tone was somewhere between pleading yet firm, walking a thin line because she knew what the wrong type of tone led to. 

“As if I could expect that from you.” She barely caught it and shoved her hands into her pants pockets, refusing to follow. 

Her eyes stuck on the girl who was taking long yet languid steps, dressed in a black skirt, ripped tights, white tank top with a zip-up that was sliding down her shoulder. Aeri’s zip-up hoodie as she stood in just her t-shirt after giving it to Y/n. 

How long did she stand still? Fighting the urge so she wouldn’t run after Y/n like she always did. It was as if something was pulling her after the girl, perhaps the invincible collar that Y/n had on her while at the same time, she tried to fight against its every tug.

She remembered what truly had pulled her towards the girl, to begin with, and what tied her to Y/n. It was physical attraction when she first saw her, then came the attraction after seeing how similar they were in interests to aesthetics and at last, she spoke to the girl and realised that she would fall. 

She did.

Aeri walked right after Y/n because she wasn’t going to limit her love for the girl. There was no love without pain, right? Y/n was worth getting hurt for, she was sure that she could mend what was shattered inside her girlfriend, but it would only be possible if she followed her even if it was blindly.

“Okay wait.” She gave in at last as she took a few long strides towards her girlfriend, slipping her hand into Y/n’s. Maybe those constant texts and calls weren’t enough throughout the days; she could do more than text and call. 

Her fingers intertwined with Y/n’s who looked at her with her piercing gaze, the one that devoured Aeri from the outside. However, it would eat long enough until she was consumed whole. 

“I wanna take you on a date, I have a day off Monday.” She could make it up, she always did even if she wasn’t sure if there was much she had to make up for. Aeri would still do it for Y/n. It wasn’t like she could do much about her schedule, but there was always a way to give more than she already had. 

She refused to let Y/n slip through her fingers. 

The wall was still there and she knew that she needed to make up for it to come back down. Y/n would be distant, it would be cold, again, until those icebergs melted. 

Y/n looked uninterested, her eyes vacant and Aeri always tried to occupy them. To fit into Y/n’s gaze, to reflect in her eyes and to feel seen. At times she wondered if Y/n’s heart at least sped up at times because of her, if it was even beating to begin with. How did someone manage to be so cold yet magnetise like a warm fire? 

She reached her hand up to the girl’s face as the wind blew, fixing the loose strands of layered hair. “Fine–” She pursed her lips as Y/n moved her face away and dropped her hand. It did ache, it did make a fear run across her spine; how much did she mess up this time? When would she pushed away far enough by Y/n to lose her? Why was she always so apprehensive around Y/n? “I still want to go home, I’m tired.” 

What had it been? 30 minutes since they met up? Aeri spent more time getting to the place together with getting back than she had spent with her girlfriend. It was still worth it. Those 30 minutes with Y/n were worth it. She had grown to realise that it was better to take whatever she got at times. 

She had missed the girl in the end after the distance between them due to work.

“Y/n,” Aeri started as they stood face to face, Y/n’s gaze didn’t falter while hers had to wander away every three seconds. “I’m sorry, I promise to make it up to you.” 

“I know. You promise each time.” 

She swallowed down the heaviness of not being able to take care of Y/n like she wanted to and always tried to. She was only able to speculate what could be going through Y/n’s head at the moment or ever for that matter. It felt like she had never been let inside; it wasn’t a feeling, it was the truth. That was why she clutched the small crumbs dearly.

“I’m for real this time.” 

“I’m aware.” 

An awkwardness fell upon her, knowing that she made more promises than she could handle. She at times had to cancel because of work. She still made up every time, yet every time it still got distant from Y/n’s side.

“Are you mad?”

“No.” That meant yes, she knew that much about her girlfriend. Aeri would say that she was thankful that Y/n’s manager pulled over by the curb, saving her from any more opportunities to mess up again. 

She couldn’t just let her go like that, “I love you,” she reminded and for a moment she hesitated. Aeri leaned in and got the cheek turned to her which she settled for. “Yeah, love you.” The words felt thrown and she was fully aware that Y/n was mad at her despite all her efforts to see her amidst her busy schedule as the car drove off.

“Awh, that’s so cute.” Yunjin cooed, being quicker to the gift by Y/n’s makeup spot than the girl herself. The other girl walked around Yunjin and took her seat in the makeup chair as the green room was starting to crowd. 

A cute black bat plushie, Y/n rolled her eyes, her hands reached for the small envelope stuck to it together with a blood-red rose. She opened it, somewhat already expecting what would be said. Aeri often sent her gifts, but the older tended to send them more often on these occasions. 

‘I’m packed today, but I fixed everything for you, I will call you when I get home. Love you <3’

Aeri’s care was overwhelming and Y/n couldn’t figure out if she was overcaring, overdoing it just to fool her or if it was out of genuine care and love. It only filled up the balloon of anxiety and distrust towards her girlfriend instead of doing the opposite for Y/n. What were her intentions? People always had ulterior motives, didn’t they? Was anyone just nice to be nice?

Y/n knew what love was. 

“What did it say?” Yunjin’s curiosity never subsided as she found herself more nosy than Y/n would deem acceptable. 

“The same.” She mumbled, haphazardly handing the note to her side and the girl beside her took it.

“I think it’s the thought that counts, she could have just sent a text.”

Why would Aeri go out of her way? It only made Y/n run more leery. 

It wasn’t the same words every time, but each time she wouldn’t be able to talk throughout the days she sent gifts and other things. Was it to make up for it? Y/n had no clue. 

Y/n would prefer a short text over the care.

She reached for the plushie and looked over her shoulder at the glimpse of a shadow that passed them. “Eunchae–” The girl was cut short by Yunjin who grabbed hold of the plushie, catching the rose that was about to fall.

“No, you can’t just give it away.” She clicked her tongue and grabbed the stuff, the note included before she turned around and handed it over to a passing manager who would bring it to the car. 

Yunjin was close with Aeri; she was the one who gave her Y/n’s number and was there when they first met as it was disguised as a casual hangout. She was the one who without Y/n’s knowledge possibly slipped up and mentioned that Y/n was high maintenance, but would also draw back despite wanting care. It was an accident. All in all, she was always there for Y/n as her friend. 

“It’s only a matter of time until she retreats and leaves me to grasp for crumbs. It’s always the same.” Y/n muttered, looking over her nails, trying not to give into the overwhelming emotions that continued to fill the balloon every day. There was a reason to let Aeri close, but not too close, too close meant that she could hurt her if she let all the walls down. 

“Why not talk to her about it then?” Y/n’s eyes moved up and looked in the mirror at Sakura’s voice who sat down on the chair beside her. They carefully moved to Yunjin for reassurance of what she thought about those words, but all she got was an unfortunate nod of agreement. 

“About what?”

“Your insecurities, fears, the fact that you’ve had terrible experiences with your previous partners.” Yunjin started to list the things, not beating around the bush, however, her tone held genuine care and compassion to try and help her friend. 

“So she can use it against me?” Was the first thing that came to Y/n’s mind at the suggestion, making the two older girls share a look; it wasn’t as easy as they wished it was. Y/n too wished it was easier, but when she found warmth and comfort behind cold walls, it was hard to let them down. If something happened before, what reassured her that it wouldn’t happen again? 

Just because it was Aeri, didn’t mean that it couldn’t happen. Y/n was aware that she could never completely know someone; never 100% and that she would always have to trust her for her words. The issue was that Y/n couldn’t do that; trust gestures or words.

“Why would she do that?” Sakura genuinely questioned and Y/n got up from her seat at the call of her manager about food; yet another gesture of Aeri to make sure that she ate.

“I already regret telling any of you anything at all.” The girl honestly spoke as the help only got overwhelming because it left her in more conflict. 

“That’s not very nice of you.” She pushed past Yunjin, ignoring her further complaints about being hurt as she grabbed Kazuha to eat with her instead. 

Not let Aeri close enough to hurt her.

Aeri sighed and tossed her phone to the side, trying to figure out what she did wrong this time. At this point, she was close to believing that she possibly sent the wrong type of food to the girl. It was ridiculous and she was painfully aware of it yet she did nothing about it, but continued trying. 

She couldn’t help the fact that she cared, being fully aware that Y/n wanted her to care even if it left her misled because of how Y/n also pushed her away. 

The darkness in her room was lit up as she got a notification and she blindly reached for her phone.

: stuck at practice, let’s talk later

: ok, lemme know when you’re back 

: Love you, take care and don’t push yourself too far

She watched as the message was read, but she got nothing sent back which elicited a groan from between her lips. The guessing game was impossible to win; did Y/n want her to care or not? Did she want an ‘I love you’ or not? If she did and Aeri didn’t send it to her she would grow cold, but if she didn’t want it and she still sent it, Aeri felt like a fool. 

This was the girlfriend she wanted, this was the girlfriend she fed her every drop of blood to the way she sucked her dry and left her with no energy. 

With the phone resting on her chest she stared at the dark ceiling, it was nearing midnight and all she wanted to do was talk on the phone with Y/n until she would doze off. All she wanted to do was make sure that Y/n wasn’t overworking herself and that she was fine, but she didn’t want to be too much at the moment. Aeri figured that Y/n needed her space after the staleness that grew after they saw each other. 

In the end, guessing was all that she could do.

She was snapped out of it when the door opened, saving her from the overthinking that always turned melancholic.

Y/n learned that she could probably stare at the messages with her girlfriends for hours as she waited for an answer. It was past midnight and she was in the car with Chaewon who she had stayed behind with. 

It had been a good ten minutes since she texted Aeri.

She didn’t have the time to reply earlier; at least that was her excuse to make herself seem less cold. It left her guilty otherwise because she did care, but how did she show that without having to be vulnerable? Without having to let her girlfriend closer?

Ten minutes of waiting for an answer.

Ten minutes too long. 

She left the chat and opened her socials. The girl sunk into her seat, biting the nail of her thumb as she felt that green garden growing inside her. Aeri wasn’t obliged to be live on Instagram with Minjeong, ignoring her texts or at least not answering them. She didn’t like feeling jealous, it always made her melt into a miserable puddle that had no clue how to express it because of the susceptibility it made her feel. 

She hated that one person was able to affect her this much. That one person was able to hurt her at any moment. That something this small could affect her at times. 

At least an answer would make her feel better, but Aeri seemed too busy with her friend. Was it because she had accidentally let Aeri past too many walls? Her fingers wouldn’t be trembling from overwhelming emotions if she had kept her at arm's length. It meant that she had let her closer than she dared.

Grief turned to anger and Y/n could only blame herself for being vulnerable enough to get hurt by this. To get hurt in the first place.

Aeri knew that she was in shambles when Y/n hadn’t replied to her texts, she replied exactly 15 minutes later, and all her calls had led to the automated voicemail. She had gone to bed, barely able to sleep, without any goodnight or I love you, and there hadn’t been any answers in the morning either.

Her last hope had been Yunjin. Her schedule had come to an end at around 7 P.M. With still no answer from her girlfriend, she called Yunjin. Even though it wasn’t the first time that she had been ignored for hours, it still left her worried each time. 

It somewhat irked Aeri to hear that Y/n had been at the company building the whole day and didn’t have more than the practice that ended at noon. It irked her that she had been ignoring Aeri without letting her know why, all she knew was that she somehow messed up. How? When? What was it? What did she do? She had to guess, again.

What irked her the most after her call with Yunjin was that Y/n was with Kazuha. 

She wouldn’t have minded if she had at least gotten a single reply. 

It wasn’t something she could help, but she had always been the slightest bit jealous when it came to Kazuha. Oh how much she hated it, to be jealous of someone who was Y/n’s group member. However, she felt like she had every right to hate it and be pissed about the proximity of Y/n and Kazuha’s relationship.

What was she angry about while sitting in the back of the car? That green mixed with red, angry about how the girl was always there when Aeri messed up and was always the one comforting her girlfriend. Someone had to, that someone should be Aeri, but instead, whenever she wanted to apologise, make up for it, and be there for Y/n…Kazuha was somehow always already there, witnessing Aeri at her worst while soothing Y/n, making it look like she only knew how to hurt and mess up.

Far from the truth. She hoped. Aeri had managed to grow insecure as their relationship progressed; regressed would be a better term. 

What hurt the most was that deep down she was aware that Y/n possibly didn’t trust her enough to find comfort in her.

All she wanted was for Y/n to open up to her. All she got was drained while watching her girlfriend open up to someone else about the problems of their relationship, but never to her. She had tried to bring them up, but it had always been a one-sided conversation. 

“Does she think that I’m enough? I get shut out when I mess up, I get shut out when she opens up…I’m honestly so confused at times.” Aeri frowned, unsure where she got the urge to suddenly start spilling out her feelings to Yunjin. There had been a heavy feeling in her chest, she wanted to be perfect for Y/n, to care for her and love her.

“I’m not even sure how I messed up this time.” She somewhat exclaimed in exhaustion, her voice leaving that timid whisper-like tone, with her arms gesturing outwards before falling to her sides. 

Aeri sighed to gather herself and not get too emotional, knowing well that Y/n and love were a sensitive topic for her because she loved her so much that she couldn’t love more. It was frustrating enough that she couldn’t show it in any more ways. 

She stared at the metal doors of the elevator they were in and looked to her side as Yunjin squeezed her shoulder to comfort her.

“I don’t think it’s that.” Yunjin shortly replied, sounding like she may had an idea what it would be.

Aeri raised her eyebrows in question at the words. Yunjin looked off to the side at the numbers that went up about to reach the floor. She clicked her tongue and heaved a sigh–probably not in the position to make statements–she knew what it was in the end.

“It’s not because you mess up that she distances herself—” Yunjin started and took the first steps towards the doors that had slid open as she quietly finished, “it’s because you don’t.” 

Aeri has put up with it, she had been standing in Y/n’s burning home despite being far from fireproof. She put up with the pain for Y/n, willing to stand in what was her home that was burning; Y/n’s whole world was on fire. Aeri wanted to put it out and help her see that just because the inside of a home was up in flames: it didn’t mean that everything outside of it was burning to the ground too. 

It seemed to have a different outcome and her not messing up, showing how much love there was, only made the fire ablaze and out of control.

She wasn’t going to stop though.

A long pause came—a silence that no one breached for the next few seconds—when Yunjin opened the door to the room where Y/n was. Kazuha included of course.

Jealousy bubbled inside her, Aeri never wanted to be that type, but it was impossible when it came to Y/n. The small couch was occupied by the two, Y/n’s legs thrown over Kazuha’s and they barely made an effort to look at them until Yunjin called for the younger. 

She felt stupid, but her heart knew what it felt and why it hurt, why it made her feel sick. She had too many feelings for Y/n to not feel like a part of her would rot every time she got jealous. It was ugly in the end, but she couldn’t help it when she saw someone she tried everything for open up within seconds to someone who wasn’t her. 

She bunched up the material of her jacket as she watched Y/n lift her head from Kazuha’s shoulder who unwrapped her arms from around her waist. Her eyes fell on Y/n who was already looking back at her and amongst all this, at least her presence was acknowledged and not ignored, Aeri already felt foolish enough.

The door closed after they left and Y/n leaned back on the couch, crossing her legs as she looked at her nails while picking at them. She knew what was wrong, she knew that Aeri would show up at some point, however, she had hoped that she wouldn’t because it would be easier to stay upset. To blame her for something (anything) and push her away for it even if Y/n had wanted nothing more than to spend a day with the girl who sat down on the other end of the couch.

Arms distance was still better, wasn’t it?

“Why do you treat me like–” Aeri started but stopped, her lips pursed and she took in a breath, deciding to consider her words first. With a sigh she averted her gaze towards her girlfriend, barely being able to feel her presence because of the walls that the girl had put between them. 

Was she supposed to get on her knees and beg for forgiveness? Was Aeri supposed to let Y/n tug her closer by the collar she had on her like always? To give in the way she always did. She had been patient for so long and nothing was working, the only thing she wanted was for it to work. It wouldn’t, not if she kept avoiding everything wrong for Y/n’s sake if she ignored it because Y/n didn’t want to ever talk about it. 

She had been doing everything for the girl, but nothing for their relationship to actually work out like it should. 

“I don’t like how close you two are at times,” Aeri admitted, deciding to be truthful, to be open about the ugliness that didn’t have to be there if they only talked about it. 

She for the first time in the one year they had been together brought up a problem without beating around the bush; Y/n always ran away from all problems, especially if she tried to talk about them and it made Aeri look like a terrible person. 

“It was fine for you to be all over Minjeong on live though, I wasn’t comfortable with that.” In contrast to Aeri’s calm tone, Y/n spat venom at her. She could see the walls growing taller by the second as it started right after she brought it up. It was always the same, nothing changed yet it always hurt no matter how used she was to it.

“I wasn’t all over her, plus we were live, obviously I will be a bit closer and you know it yourself Y/n. We are in the same industry.” Her fingers threaded through her hair, sighing at the emotions that were bubbling inside her chest. “What I don’t understand is why you would be so close to her when no cameras or fans are watching. I get it, but there is a limit even between friends.” In the end, Aeri wouldn’t mind, but it was a bit too much for her to be comfortable with it. 

It could be mistaken; Kazuha could be mistaken for Y/n’s girlfriend and Aeri for her friend.

Y/n could feel the walls closing in on her, she had always found comfort in the walls she put up. These walls were ones that Aeri was pushing past and it was all closing in on her, leaving her with no room to breathe. All she needed was a way out before it would become overwhelming and she would be unable to breathe. Aeri was getting too close–arm's length, she was past that–and Y/n wanted to run, but her feet were stuck to the ground.

“Maybe because my girlfriend doesn’t have the time to give me what I need. I needed to talk to you, I wanted to be with you—” All her defences went up as she tried her best to crawl into her shell of safety in case Aeri managed to crumble her walls. “You were too busy being on a live you weren’t obliged to be part of.” The girl scoffed out, in disbelief. 

Y/n hated how gently the girl was doing it, that she wasn’t wrecking them like everyone else had always done. All those times her walls were forcefully broken down and she was wrecked together with those walls. Why couldn’t Aeri wreck all her walls and her like the rest? Why couldn’t she hurt her and be familiar? 

It made red lights go off in Y/n’s head as she stood up from the couch. One thing in mind: Aeri was coming in softly and would wreck her, ruin her worse than anyone else had managed to do because she would have Y/n in her arms when doing it. She would get close enough for it to hurt more than anyone had been able to hurt her because she would be on the inside. 

Love had turned into logic for Y/n; this was like a trojan horse. 

“You were too busy taking care of someone else, someone who you see every day.” 

“I’m always there for you though, I just happened to be away from my phone for a few minutes and you made it a big deal.” She reasoned, watching the girl anxiously pull on the sleeves of her sweater. Even if the girl was a closed and locked book, Aeri could read Y/n when it came to certain things. She took her time to analyse the small details on the outside and the tiny peeks she got on the inside. 

Enough to know that everything was burning on the inside. Enough to know that Y/n was doing everything to turn it around and make it easier for herself to push away Aeri again. 

“Why do you invalidate my feelings, Aeri? You don’t know what I felt or what I feel and when I try to tell you about it, you say it’s the opposite.” 

And she knew enough to know that it would start draining her again. Aeri didn’t want to fight with Y/n so she caved before she even managed to start. She felt like Y/n’s marionette, however, she was fully aware of how she was controlled and bent to her master’s every whim and desires. 

“Hey–” She clicked her tongue and grabbed hold of Y/n’s hand, gently pulling the girl over to her. “I didn’t mean to make you feel like your feelings aren’t valid, they are and always will be.” It came with ease, to give into Y/n came naturally to her as she pulled the girl to sit down beside her on the couch. “I shouldn’t have said that.” She continued, being okay with being wrong as long as Y/n was there.

Y/n couldn’t determine whether or not she liked that Aeri gave in the way she did. She expected her to fight, to drill on until Y/n couldn’t defend herself until she was destroyed. No matter how much her mind told her to run, her heart melted as she got pulled into a hug. It was an embrace she had always needed from someone who was more than a friend, even if it was scary it was comforting. 

It was hard to distinguish whether it was excitement or fear that she felt at the moment, but she loved the feeling. She loved Aeri.

Aeri rested her chin on Y/n’s shoulder, pulling her closer at the tickling feeling of the girl’s breath hitting her neck who ended up in her lap, sitting sideways. Her eyes glanced down and she intertwined her fingers with Y/n’s, caressing the smooth skin with the tenderness she had for her. This was all she wanted.

“I love you, Y/n.” She reminded her that all that she did in the end was love and care for her. 

It followed with a small silence as she stared ahead at the empty wall, she wasn’t worried because she knew where Y/n’s heart lay. Not necessarily fully in her hands, but she could touch it with her fingertips and feel its pulse. 

“I love you,” Y/n loved her even if she had yet to fully trust her. 

Aeri lifted her chin as Y/n pulled back and she looked up at the girl in her lap, her hand caressing the small of her back. It was these moments where there were cracks in Y/n’s walls and it made Aeri’s heart speed up at the vulnerability she could see in Y/n’s eyes. It sped up because of the relief knowing it was possible to delicately get past those walls, but it also sped up in fear; knowing it was only a matter of time before that one step forward would end up with ten steps back.

She untangled her fingers and moved her hand over to Y/n’s face who this time didn’t pull away, but leaned in as she pushed aside her hair before cradling her cheek in her palm. Their eyes met, Y/n’s fingers fiddled with the baby hairs at her nape, her arms loosely around her shoulders. 

“Is it okay if I kiss you?” She asked, not wanting to feel her chest tighten at the girl turning her cheek again. Her eyes glanced down at the full lips, the girl’s tongue coming out and poking at the corner of her glossy lips. 

A mere ghost brushed past her lips when Y/n leaned closer before letting Aeri close the little space left between them. Y/n couldn’t deny that she loved how Aeri kissed her, how she held her, how she took care of her, and how tender and filled with love it all was. She loved how it made her heart go into a crescendo. 

Yet Aeri cared too much—she had always been caring and it wasn’t obnoxiously so, but giving an abused dog a treat won't make it trust the person, it won’t probably touch it in fear that it is used to deceive to be able to hurt it after. It made the treat it so much wanted turn obnoxious.

She traced patterns over her back as they pulled away, fingers playing with Y/n’s hair as she admired her face from close, missing her girlfriend because she never felt like she truly got her. That distance strained them and made it difficult to stay warm in the cold. 

“I just want this to work out.” It was a small whisper as if saying it too loud would harm them, but it harmed everything anyway. She could feel the mood shift in how Y/n’s body got less relaxed in her hold. 

“It is working out, there’s no need to bring it up,” Y/n argued, liking it when they were like this. When they were in a spot where she could have Aeri right there whenever she wanted, but also put space between them whenever she wanted. It had worked so far; at least Y/n liked to think it did because it worked for her. 

She wasn’t selfish enough to not notice that it was only working in her favour, that Aeri always gave in while suffering. However, she had been selfish enough to keep at it; to fill her needs and then disappear when Aeri offered a bit too much and she knew that she had to give something in return. To let her guard down.

“You’re choosing ignorance, Y/n. I don’t want that.”  It was hurting Y/n as much as it did Aeri who didn’t want the girl to hurt when they chose ignorance. Aeri frowned and Y/n was slipping through her fingers again and the heat turned into cold as the girl moved away from her. She watched Y/n who placed her head in her palms, elbows resting on her knees while she took deep breaths. 

“Why can’t you just choose to be ignorant for once too?” She wasn’t taken aback when Y/n snapped at her. The warmth was gone from her eyes and they were once again filled with that vacancy and anger to this time.

She knew where this was heading. ‘It’s not because you mess up that she distances herself, it’s because you don’t.’ She was aware of how Y/n always twisted everything until Aeri was stuck in a corner where she could only mess up because of the pressure of being put in that situation, to begin with. It was draining her; how long could she take this? How long could she put up with it out of pure love?

“Why do you always have to make things so complicated for no reason?” Her girlfriend continued as she looked at Aeri in disbelief.

It hurt when she only wanted the best for Y/n, for them, but maybe she didn’t know what the best was. 

“I’m doing it for a reason, I’m doing it because I care about you, I love you and want the best for you, for us and we can’t have that if—” 

Y/n stood up in frustration, cutting her girlfriend off, and not letting her finish. She didn’t know what to do with all that love and care she received so all that she could think of was to turn it away; to block it out. It made everything crawl inside her out of fear and Aeri did everything but understand that.

“What do you want me to do?” The girl exclaimed, turning around and gesturing with her arms that then fell to her sides with a thud. The anxiety was filling the room from the heaving breaths for air, from the way she paced and tugged at her clothes; nothing was helping her grasp reality as the thoughts were getting too overwhelming. “I can’t help that I don’t want to jump into your open arms no matter how much reassurance of a safe fall I get. It doesn’t work like that, Aeri.” 

Aeri’s love and care were overwhelming and Y/n hated that she couldn’t appreciate it the way it should be appreciated. She loved that she got it, but hated it once it lasted a second too long because she felt how it slowly melted everything she had built over the years.

It had been a year of Aeri standing with open arms. Her world felt like it was falling apart, but her desire and love for Y/n stayed strong and it was the only thing keeping her together. Trying to save Y/n was killing her and soon enough it would be too late and she would fall into Y/n’s burning world and end up just like the girl.

Love was worth the sacrifice.

“It doesn’t work like this either!” Her voice went up and she never raised it, Aeri never could when it came to the girl in front of her, but she was desperate. Her hands clutched onto the material of her jeans as she stared up at Y/n with tears in her eyes. It was frustrating as she was trying everything and kept being proven over and over that there was nothing she could do. 

Yet it wasn’t enough to stop her from trying.

“I get that it can be hard to trust someone, Y/n.” She calmed her tone, huffing as she leaned back against the couch and took in a deep breath to stop the uncomfortable prickling in her nose. When did it get so frustrating? Has it always been this draining to be with Y/n? But she loved her. How hard could love get at this point? 

It went silent aside from Y/n’s anxious pacing, which was anxiety-inducing for Aeri, it was silent. Aeri stared down at her lap and she could feel how the tears were floating in her eyes. She was ready to start grieving the loss of someone who she still had; she had already started crying because she knew that she lost Y/n once again. 

All she wanted was Y/n. Her fingers were restless as she pulled on the material of her bottoms, pouting, pursing her lips, huffing, blinking, swallowing (with pain), and clearing her throat. She was doing everything to not cry; it would only scare Y/n away further, wouldn’t it? To show that she meant so much that she could make Aeri cry. 

She could suppress it; just for Y/n. 

She could fix it. Fix them, fix Y/n, fix herself, and overall fix everything. There was a lot of fixing, but there was still enough left of her to do it, she could use whatever energy she had even if it would end with her collapsing from exhaustion. She would give her every drop for Y/n.

“But why can’t we just try to make it work.” She mumbled and with the words dropped tears, and with quick reflex, she caught them with the sleeve of her jacket and snivelled. It was choking her, the way her heart pushed to her throat and left it to hurt, it all hurt and left a faint tremble. Aeri looked up at Y/n, her vulnerability was something she couldn’t hide unlike the girl in front of her who stopped at last. 

Was it wrong to cry because she felt bad for Y/n? The girl didn’t deserve to be in pain behind all those walls in her opinion. Y/n wasn’t doing anything wrong even if it seemed like it; she was just badly hurt and that wasn’t her fault. It wasn’t her fault that she didn’t want to be hurt again. 

It wasn’t Y/n’s fault that it was hard to go back to the person she used to be, knowing that that person she used to be had died at the hands of someone who wasn’t deserving of Y/n. Someone who wrecked her home and set it on fire.

“It is working until you bring it up.” Y/n knew how to suck her tears up as her gaze bore into Aeri’s soul, the tears from her girlfriend a sign of the drainage she caused. It wasn’t intentional; it tore her knowing that she was breaking Aeri’s heart, someone she loved, but she had to put her heart first. 

She had learned that love wasn’t worth putting first.

Aeri exhaled, wiping her eyes again, using her sleeves while barely shaking her head. “It’s not working and this is the proof, Y/n. We wouldn’t be arguing about it if it all was fine. You said it yourself that you’re being ignorant. I’m willing to take it slow, I want to help you, but I can’t when you close off.” Even after all this time–a year–she was willing to give it more time. To give Y/n all the time she needed.

“I don’t need your fixing, Aeri. I’m fine with the way things are, the way I am.” Y/n bellowed with anger, too stubborn to change her ways, too stubborn not to put herself first despite wanting Aeri. Too stubborn not to put walls around her heart no matter how much it tried to beat free from the chains just for Aeri. It was a conflict she was facing; not with Aeri, but with herself.  

“You’re obviously, lying–” Aeri knew Y/n enough from the outside to know, but she had taken in as much as she could from those small cracks that could at times appear in Y/n’s walls. It was enough to let her know that Y/n wanted to love but was scared. 

“I’m not lying, I’m–”

“Yes, you are! You get defensive, you close up, and you ignore me. How is that fine to you or me?” Aeri exclaimed, abruptly getting up from the couch with a harsh wipe to her dewy eyes that couldn’t help but shed at the discomfort of her heart aching. 

Y/n scowled, gripping onto the sleeves of her sweater. “I’m done.” She stated the words firmly and her jaw clenched to the point where it hurt just to not tear up.

However, Aeri wasn’t done, she grabbed hold of Y/n’s closed fist, but with tenderness, because despite the anger there was no room for brutality in her love for Y/n. There was no room for hurt, however, it was harder than it sounded to prove it to someone who had only seen the love that came with nothing but havoc and brutality.

“You always are when it gets hard yet it’s fine the way it is?” 

“Fuck off, Aeri.” She exhaled as Y/n left her hold, leaving her to silently wipe at her tears in the now-empty room. Those tears that she would be wiping for the next few days if not weeks. There was no one else to do it for her. No one to mend her heart because even if Y/n left, it was still with her; aching at the distance that made her feel weak and sick.

Aeri didn’t say more, she didn’t do anything more, she didn’t chase, not at the moment; this wasn’t the first time Y/n was done with her. It was an endless cycle with her girlfriend–temporarily ex-girlfriend now–and she knew that she had to wait a few days or weeks until she could pull Y/n back in and show her that she loved her, that there was love for her, that it could all work out if she let Aeri in.

She was, in the end, willing to sacrifice for her love. 

masterlist

[lonelyl00n]

To Love a Boy

billie eilish x fem!reader

- in which a girl is in love with her childhood friend (based on 'To Love a Boy' by Maya Hawke).

i want to love a boy the way i love the ocean...

Billie and I sat at the foot of the ocean, our jean shorts sitting vulnerable against the sand, a fact that I’ll probably regret once I uncomfortably drive back home. But there was a reason that it was worth it, as I watched Billie’s brown hair blow wildly in the California wind.

It had been a while since I’d last seen the girl. She had been on across the world on tour for several months. She had even asked me to accompany her, but I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t brave enough. Visualizing glistening sweat dripping down her body after a set, seeing her smiling and flirting around with her new influencer friends, and knowing that every night, she’d be cuddling into me, her legs entrapping mine in a tiny queen bed.

Just like she’s done since we were kids.

I couldn’t bear to feel these sinful feelings about my own best friend. Like an objectifying beast, so instead, I found myself a distraction. Jack.

Jack was nice. He approached me during an intense manga reading at the library, cutely stuttering out something along the lines of “you’re beautiful.” Nobody had ever called me beautiful, well, nobody except Billie. He invited me out to coffee, and we talked about the weather, about life, about fears, about hopes. He understood me in a way that nobody else had ever cared to before. Nobody except for the girl beside me.

“So...” The girl playfully spoke, “When were you going to tell me about Jack?” Huh? I hadn’t told her about him, for a very good reason. Recognizing my confused expression, the brown-haired girl laughed, “Dude, I had to find this out from Zoey. I mean, you tell her, but you didn’t tell me?”

I let out an awkward chuckle.” There’s a lot I haven’t told you.” I thought.

“Umm, well, Jack is nice.”

Billie cocked her head to the side, “Really, that’s all, just nice?” It was obvious she was skeptical, as I had never in my life expressed an interest in a boy, and now I was dating one.

But it was true. When Billie left, I spent almost every night at Jack’s house. At first, not much would happen between the two of us. We would order Chinese takeout, challenge each other in Just Dance, Binge watch How I Met Your Mother, and we would also kiss a bit. I say only a bit because there was no passion, not from me and not from him. But for some reason, we both put up with it. I didn’t find out why until a couple weeks later.

Jack and I met at our regular meet up spot, the coffee shop across from the library. Jack had offered to pay for our orders while I went to the restroom. As I walked out of the restroom, I found Jack, talking to a barista. The same Barista that’s working every time we’re there. Jack had both our drinks in hand, yapping nervously like he always does to the poor worker, but it was then that I noticed. That look.

His eyes were shimmering like a pile of gold was in front of him. His smile wider than the Nile Delta. Meanwhile, the man in front of him looked oblivious to this fact, but I wasn’t. It’s the same look that I caught myself giving to Billie.

Later that night, as we were binging season four of our favorite show, I finally spoke. “I saw.” I simply said. Jack jolted for a second and sighed. “And I see the way you look at the girl on your lock screen.” The two of us said nothing else, instead we scooted closer to each other. Jack lifted my body onto his lap and we let our lips do the talking.

It was not sweet, it was not tender, and it was not angry. It was filled with longingness. Not for each other, but for who we wished the other could be. But I knew that Jack wasn’t my childhood best friend, as he knew I wasn’t the handsome barista he admired. We called each other the Tracys to each other’s Robin. Nobody understood me the way Jack did. He became my closest friend, a companion that I could express my deepest feelings about Billie to and then kiss it all away and pretend like none of it existed.

But it did. I felt it every time she would call in from her hotel room after a concert, pouting and complaining about how much she missed me and how she wished I wasn't so stubborn on my decision of not coming with her. I felt it whenever she would send me good morning texts at exactly the same time every day, even when she was on the complete opposite side of the world. And I felt it whenever she would flash me that gorgeous smile of hers whenever she felt that I was feeling down. So yes, Jack was nice, great even! But he wasn't her.

I hadn’t even realized how silent I had gotten reminiscing about Jack and I’s pathetic relationship, two homosexuals roleplaying as people we weren’t, that I failed to notice how awkward the atmosphere had become.

“Well,” Billie finally broke the silence, “I’m glad you and your boyfriend are so in love.”

There was something weird in the way that she said it, but I didn’t get to think too much about it as she pulled me in, her lips pecking my forehead, how she’s always does. Because to her there was no meaning behind it. To her I was only her best friend and that’s all I would ever be to her. She rested her head on my shoulder as I laid my head on top of hers, together watching the glistening blue ocean. And as waves of the ocean kissed our feet, as the seagulls soared through the sky, as her warm breath invaded my shoulder, a terrible thought encroached my mind: I wished I could be in love with Jack the same way I was helplessly in love with the ocean.

[seecarrun]

“Misty does not like me.”

Brock and Cilan exchanged a look.

“She doesn’t!” Ash insisted. “She’s never even kissed me.”

“You think she needs to kiss you if she likes you?” Cilan asked, looking concerned.

Ash’s frown deepened. “Serena did. I mean, she like, left and didn’t talk to me for a long time right after, but she did. That’s how I know she liked me. Melody too. And maybe Bianca, though that was probably Latias. It was unclear.”

“Plenty of other girls have liked you without kissing you,” Brock stated simply, then began counting them off on his fingers. “Macy, from the Johto League, for example. She asked you on a date and everything. Misty did not like that, by the way.”

Aah scoffed. “No, she just didn’t like her because she was a fire-type trainer and she insulted water types.”

“Incorrect. Angie, from Sinnoh, that’s another one. Oh, and I’m pretty sure Anabel from the Battle Frontier. All liked you, never kissed you. And that’s just the girls.”

“Oh?” Cilan asked, raising his eyebrows in interest and surprise.

Brock smirked. “Remind me to tell you about Goh.”

“You hardly even hung out with Goh!” Ash cried.

“Yeah, but Dawn is a gossip,” Brock said with a smirk. Ash pouted.

Cilan hummed. “I didn’t realize you were that popular, Ash. I’m almost impressed.”

“Don’t be. None of those people like me. Especially not Misty.”

“Maybe Misty’s never kissed you because the last time she tried, you went running and screaming into a table,” Brock offered, deadpan, causing Cilan to cringe.

“Oh noo. Really?”

Brock nodded, sadly. “Christmas party. She got him under the mistletoe. It was brutal.”

“Ouch, Ash,” Cilan tsked. “Rude.”

Ash rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. “You don’t even like Misty!”

“I do too!” Cilan gasped.

“You do not! You spent the whole time you were hangin’ out with us making fun of her!”

“So did you,” Cilan sniffed, which shut Ash up immediately. “Besides, it was all in good fun. She was a good sport. She has an exquisite sense of humor.” He glared down at Ash and wagged his finger. “And don’t change the subject!”

Ash groaned and flopped backwards into the back of the chair, throwing up his arms in indignation. “Misty doesn’t like me!”

Brock sighed. “Ash, who knows Misty better than me?”

Ash raised an eyebrow at him challengingly. “I mean, probably her sisters and Tracy at this point, with how much he hangs around Daisy lately.”

“Wrong. I know her best. I’ve known you two for a long time and I know she likes you.”

“Why does it even matter?!” Ash finally cried, throwing his hands into the air. “Why are we even talking about this?!”

“Because you like her too,” Cilan stated simply.

Immediately, Ash’s face flushed. “No I don’t.”

Brock smirked. “You’re blushing.”

“No I’m not.”

Cilan sighed, clasping his hands behind his back and shrugging flippantly. “Well then, I guess it won’t matter to you to find out that Gary asked her out yesterday.”

That seemed to get Ash’s attention. “Gary? Gary who? Gary Oak?” He made a face. “Well, now I know you’re just making stuff up. Misty wouldn’t go out with Gary. I know Gary is cool now, but she’s always said she thinks he’s egotistical.”

“I guess you’re right, Ash,” Brock began, obviously not believing Ash was right in the slightest. “What would Misty see in someone rich and smart and handsome and mature enough to admit he actually likes her?”

Ash frowned, his eyebrows furrowing. “Did she say yes?” he asked quietly.

Brock and Cilan shared a look. “Not yet,” Brock told him. “But she might. Unless you do something about it.”

[badaziraphaletakes]

This isn't exactly a bad take, but...

I don't agree with the idea that Aziraphale is "morally grey" or "complicated".

He is a complex character, yes - as in three-dimensional and fully fleshed-out, like all well-written characters. He's a living, breathing individual. Sometimes he's snarky and sometimes he's hungry and sometimes he's joyous and sometimes (well, always) he's in love and sometimes he's silly and sometimes he's confused and sometimes he's bored and sometimes he's petty and sometimes he's giddy and pretty much all the time he's generous and caring. (Occasionally he makes morally iffy choices, like possessing Madame Tracy, but they're always understandable, at least. I personally have not seen him make any choices that didn't make sense to me under the circumstances.)

But I don't find him in any way morally complicated. I have spent zero minutes racking my brains about whether he is a good person or one of the heroes or whether we're supposed to be on his side.

He loves Crowley. He loves humanity. He's risked his life for both of them on multiple occasions. In fact, he's never failed to do so when it was necessary. So far as we know, he has always been ready to lay down his life to save others.

Hm, idk, that's all, I guess.

[rileychester]

I was watching a video about Aaron and Mack's friendship. And I was thinking Robert needs a friend outside of Aaron, Robert's family, and Aaron's family.

So, no Victoria or any Dingles in this situation. I'm also taking Mack out of the equation because he's connected to Dingles as Charity's husband, and he's Aaron's best friend.

Yes, people can share best friends, but we all know how messy Aaron and Robert get; they need friends to be able to sort things out with. And Mack can not be split down the middle or forced to choose sides.

Which leaves characters like Vanessa, Nicola, Tracy, and Jimmy. They all had interactions with him in the past, and they all need a story boost in the new Robert's return fairy dust.

I also think it should be an already established character that was around when Ryan was first there. So no Steph, Lewis, and as much as it pains me to say no Caleb or Ruby.

Though I think he would make a brilliant friendship pairing with either Caleb or Ruby. But they are connected to Dingles, since Caleb is Faith's son, and they are new characters. I do think that there are longer-standing characters that should get the benefit of Robert being back. We all know that Robert is going to get a lot of scenes when he is back onscreen, he's going to have a big hot girl summer.

I say let's make them all his friends, though I know ED limits that, especially with the budget cuts. I mean, they must have spent most of the budget getting Ryan to come back. So they keep characters very separate from each other. I miss the days when the show felt like an actual village.

So, who is in the running for Robert's bestie?

Nicola:

Now these two are a lot of fun together, and dear god, do they have history. Robert lost his virginity to Nicola when he was a teen and she was an older woman. These two have bickered and schemed together and have shown they work great together. Plus Ryan and Nicola have great onscreen chemistry together. She knows better than anyone what it means to be a morally gray character and what it means to come from rock bottom. The chaos these two could cause in the village together. He also gets on with Jimmy, and he could get two friends for the price of one. Though Nicola already has a long-standing best friend in Laurel. Like I said, ED keeps characters pretty separate.

Jimmy:

I have always loved Jimmy, and I always will. He's just a sweet, stupid, but loving guy who does try. I have also always liked Ryan and Nick's onscreen chemistry, and Jimmy has been a good friend in Robert's corner before. Plus, Jimmy is a King; he knows what it's like to be morally gray, too. What it's like to have everyone turn on you and have to take your lumps and work your way back. Jimmy also knows what it is like to have VERY complex relationships with your siblings, which will come in handy for Robert. He also has several different kids with several different women. Jimmy could be a good dad friend for Robert to hang out with. As well as I don't think Jimmy really has a lot on and could really use some Robert magic for more screen time. Also, Jimmy could really use a friend of his own, I think there is Bob, but I am not sure.

Tracy:

I don't think they ever interacted much, but I think she was always a fan of Robron. Plus, she could really use a friend outside of Vanessa and Eric. Tracy is fun, sweet, kind, and up for almost anything. Robert and she could get up to all sorts in the village. She also knows what it's like to cheat on someone you deeply love and have it destroy your life. But she didn't get her second chance at a happy ending because Nate died. Though I don't think Robert will feel guilty for what John did to Nate. It would be super soapy if Robert stepped up and helped out the woman whose daughter had lost her dad because of his long-lost half-brother. That sounds like something Jack would do. And I hope for Robert to step up as the head of the Sugden family like Jack, Diane, and Andy were. I also think that once Nate's death and John's showdown are wrapped up, I don't think Tracy will have much on and could use some story help.

Vanessa:

I LOVED these two being paired up as friends before Ryan left the show.

With all honesty Vanessa ticks pretty much all the future best friend of Robert Sugden boxes. They were just good fun, and Ryan and Michelle had great onscreen chemistry. And how great to see a out and proud queer friendship.

I know technically Vanessa already has two other besties with Rhona, her longtime best friend, and Tracy, her baby sister. Robert could have fun with her, and he could also have real conversations with her. She also would be a strong person to be in his corner and to have his back. And she was in a serious relationship with Charity Dingle; she understands and accepts complicated people. But like I said, she's Tracy's big sister, and I could see her joining forces with Robert to make John pay.

She has also been a solid person in Robert's niece Sarah's life. And one of the main things I really want in Robert's upcoming storylines is for him to rebuild the Sugdens. Including him being there and having a solid relationship with Sarah.

Also, can you see the soapy complicated drama goodness, if Vanity becomes a couple again, from what I have heard from rumors. If Robert is best friends with Vanessa, who might be paired with Mack's wife, Charity. Mack, who happens to be Aaron's best friend. Causing so much drama and complications because there is a lot of tension and loyalty issues in play.

And from what I have heard Vanessa could desperately use a screen boost since they really didn't delve into the fallout of Suzy's death or what went down with Suzy and Mary from what I have heard.

Matty:

I love Matty Barton, and the show has basically given him crumbs since he returned to the village in 2009. That's freaking 16 years of basically being a background character who gets a storyline if the writers can be bothered. Which is mostly zero percent of the time.

I don't think Robert and Matty really have a friendship or relationship. But dear god, Matty could use some screentime magic by being paired up as Robert's new best mate. Matty is kind, loyal, sweet, and an overall great guy. Plus, he knows what it's like to be in prison and have people turn on you for crap reasons. Matty has also survived and accepted both the Dingle and Barton madness. I think he could handle the chaotic behavior of Robert Jacob Sugden.

Also, I think Ash is a fine actor when given the chance, and I think he could rise to the occasion.

Ross:

Ok, hear me out, yes, they are canon enemies and Ross calls Robert and I quote, "big-headed pompous git." And techinally there is a lot of anger there since you know Ross shot Robert almost killing him and Robert has screwed over Ross over from time to time too. Like dumping Ross's money-making weed into a woodchipper. But Robert was okay-ish with Ross being Seb's stepdad, as far as we know.

Ross, for as far as we know, took good care of Seb, and they both love that little boy. So they could bond over that. As well as having complicated dad issues, over fathers playing favorites, and in some ways, pitting brothers against each other. Both their father are dead, so in some ways they can't get closure. They also have COMPLEX sibling relationships. Like long-lost half-brothers showing up out of the blue from long-dead parents, turning their lives upside down.

Plus, Mike and Ryan have strong chemistry, so their being frenemies could be fun. Though, as far as I'm aware, Mike and Danny still do not like each other, which is understandable considering the behind-the-scenes drama. And since Aaron and Robert are a double act and any best friend of Robert would also spend a lot of time around Aaron. I can not see that happening.

Though honestly, I have no idea where Ryan and Mike stand. All I know about what went down is that Mike has made peace with Isabel. But from what I have heard, Mike and Danny do not get on, though I guess they are civil, considering they work on the same show again and have shared scenes and stories.

Also, if it wasn't for Ross nicking Robert's car way back in the day. We probably wouldn't have Aaron and Robert. So basically, Ross helped Robert meet his soulmate.

Here is where I'm a giant hypocrite and cheat at my own rules.

Caleb:

I'm sure these two are more likely to be freenmies, considering the complicated relationship Caleb has with Aaron and the rest of the Dingles.

Plus, Caleb is his own morally gray complex character to bounce off of. Not to mention Robert's business and them both being ambitious businessmen.

I know it's unlikely, but I just think they would be really entertaining.

Ruby:

From what I have seen of her so far, I have quickly grown to love her character. She's complicated and messy; she likes to constantly slam the self-destruct button like another blonde I know. And I think she could use a bestie of her own, someone who could be fun and drama-filled, enter Robert. I think they would match each other's energy.

The only other friends' options I think she has are Chas and Moira, and they both have complicated relationships with her. Well, maybe Charity, though I don't think the show really lets them interact. She needs someone out than Caleb to interact with. Robert and Ruby could talk each other down, but also make each other worse. Which is perfect for a soap.

Mack:

I know he's Aaron's best friend, but if there is anyone who can keep up with Robert's chaotic energy, Mackenzie Boyd is your man. Also, we can all agree on the amount of competing sassy comments and pizzazz that these two would have. PURE ENTERTAINMENT all around. You just know that Lawrence and Ryan are going to deliver gold in their scenes together.

[wardenparker]

The Unbearable Weight of Perfection, ch 14

Javi Gutierrez x female reader Co-written with @absurdthirst

When an accident of fate throws Javi G into the path of his soulmate, his instinct is to dive in head first. Adjusting to life as the fated partner of someone you barely know is going to be harder than either of you suspect, but anything worth having is worth working for. Isn't it?

(This story is heavily inspired by the lovely house museums that I work in every day and the fantastic few months that HBO was using our houses to film a TV show in fall! I spent each day on that set in wonder and I can't wait to share the experience with all of you through this story.)

Rating: M for Mature but this blog is always 18+ Word Count: 3.3k Warnings: *Blanket warnings for this story include: Cursing, alcohol, food, references to abusive family members -- i.e. Lucas, discussion of money/finances.* No warnings to speak of. Mentions of babies, desire for babies, and pregnancy. Summary: The next chapter in your life is as a mom - but also as Mom Friend. Notes: We're trying something a little unconventional with the ending of this story, darlings! The next soulmate story is teased in the last chapter of Javi's story and we hope you'll be excited as we are. 🧡 Next week's epilogue will be a lovely send off for our favorite Spanish Sweetie.

Ch 1 ~ Ch 2 ~ Ch 3 ~ Ch 4 ~ Ch 5 ~ Ch 6 ~ Ch 7 ~ Ch 8 ~ Ch 9 ~ Ch 10 ~ Ch 11 ~ Ch 12 ~ Ch 13

Monday, May 4, 2027

"How are you feeling, honey?"

Tamara is all but bouncing in her seat as Tracy and Tandy set her hair and makeup. She's in a silk robe and smiling happily for the few photos you're taking as the Get Ready with Me! post for your social media pushes to be posted throughout the night and into tomorrow. The gown you designed for her to wear – and all its accompanying accessories – are artfully and carefully hung throughout the room. It's a hell of a whirlwind night. The Met Gala is a career dream come true and here you are, with one of your very best friends, even going to walk with her on the carpet to make sure she has help with her gown if she needs it.

“I’m excited and nervous.” She admits, looking like she’s about to burst and maybe throw up at the same time. “I still don’t know how I got this invite.”

"Because you're incredible," you remind her with a beaming grin. The communication had come in through your office – which at this stage of the game is a grand total of six people that run the Del Amor label. An offer of funding and promotion from a New York businessman named Harry Castillo had assured unlimited funding and attendance at this year's Met Gala provided you brought Tamara to represent your label. A myriad of phone calls and emails had followed, and you had found Harry Castillo to be an affable and straight forward man – one who had confided his ultimate goal in you.

He believes a friend of his is Tamara's soulmate and had contrived this whole thing so they could meet. The only condition was that you couldn't tell Tamara beforehand.

"You're incredible." Pumping up your friend's confidence is where you'll put your energy for tonight, since you're practically bursting at the seams with the surprise. "An intelligent, well-spoken superstar and you deserve to have a spectacular night."

“The dress is amazing, by the way.” She has stars in her eyes as she glances up to you in the mirror. The bright lights around it are perfect for applying makeup and the theme is a glamorous gothic to go with what you had designed.

“It turned out to be a little harder than I imagined to get right, but it’s stunning on you.” With the theme being weddings and death, you and Tamara had gone on a long train of thought about how she wanted something more original than a wedding dress and wanted to avoid the Victorian period altogether because it would be the most popular for mourning gowns. What you had decided on together was a dress inspired by ancient wailing women — a Greek inspired gown with a handkerchief hemline and accents of fabric Laurel leaves to mimic the wreath that was placed on a Greek corpse for burial. Her jewelry reflects the coins placed over the eyes of the dead for passage across the River Styx, and the artful tears that make up the most interesting pieces of her dress’s structural elements are the homage to all the mourners who would beat their chest and tear their clothes in procession at funerals. It’s an artful piece and one that both of you are extremely proud of.

“It’s only stunning because of you.” She corrects, grinning at the way you still try to deflect praise. Her brows waggle. “I should have brought you as my escort.”

“I’ll be with you on the carpet,” you remind her, even if you both know you’ll be off to the sides just to watch with eagle eyes to match sure she looks perfect for the photos.

“Not the saaaaaaame.” She pouts prettily but she’s too excited to be upset. “I just don’t know what to expect from this mystery escort.”

“All I know is his name.” And only his first name at that. In Harry Castillo’s e-mail instructions, he had been quite specific in telling you plenty of good things about his friend but in asking you to let Tamara judge entirely for herself. “Percy. That’s it.”

“Percy.” She tries the name, trying to imagine what a Percy looks like. “As long as it’s not that fucker from The Green Mile.” She huffs playfully. “Couldn’t stand him. On screen or in real life.”

You snort, sliding out of your seat to go and fuss with her dress a little. There is a corner that might need to be re-steamed. It's curling in a way you don't like. "I seriously doubt it'll be a fictional character, Tam."

“You know what I mean.” She huffs, waving her hand at you. “Percy-like behavior.” You roll your eyes and she busts into giggles. “I don’t know, I’ve never met a man named Percy.”

"Neither have I." With your face temporarily in her gown, you still shrug one shoulder. "If nothing else, enjoy your first Met Gala. If he's a dud you'll have a good story to tell and if he's not?" You glance over your shoulder and smirk. "Please don't tear this masterpiece."

“Me?” She presses her hand to chest and gasps dramatically. “Sleep with someone on the first date?”

“Oh sure. Sure. You’ve never done that.” All four women in the room dissolve into giggles and you look back at Tamara with a grin. “Especially not last new year’s. Alex’s party will live in infamy.”

“Hey.” She huffs, even though she’s matching your grin with no shame. “That was a great party and we did go on two dates after.”

"I'm not saying you shouldn't have a great time!" More giggles. The room fills with them and it makes you heart light, and even with a bit of hope for your friend. Tamara deserves someone fantastic. "I married Javi the third day I'd known him. I'm not about to say you shouldn't make your own decisions."

Her giggles settle down and she sighs softly. “Because he was your one.” She reminds you. “Brad definitely wasn’t, but he was a good time.”

"Who knows?" You shrug as if you don't already know there is a suspicion. "Maybe Percy is your one?"

“That would honestly be amazing if he was.” Tamara shrugs one elegant shoulder slightly. “I’m ready for my forever and babies.” She admits. “My clock started ticking when I became Auntie T.”

"And you're an amazing auntie." With her dress squared away, you stand back up and squeeze her shoulder as you move past. "Javiera adores you."

“That’s because she’s the smartest, bestest baby, ever.” She huffs proudly.

"She's an angel." Ever since your baby girl was born, you've felt like the whole rest of the world could collapse and as long as you have your sweet baby Javiera, everything will be just fine.

“Yes she is.” Tamara sighs softly. “I want a baby just like her.”

"You'll have one, honey." You lean over to press a kiss to Tamara's forehead. You would never disturb the riot of carefully manicured curls on her head. "You'll have one and Javiera and Sky will have another playmate, and it will be everything you want it to be."

“I’m honestly surprised that Billie and Alex haven’t had a baby yet.” She admits.

"I have feeling it will be soon." Avoiding her gaze and biting back a shit-eating grin, you cross the room to nab the open bottle of champagne and refill everyone's glasses.

“No.” Her eyes widen but she doesn’t press, knowing that it’s in the happy couple to make the announcement in their own time.

"That dinner party they're throwing next weekend?" You waggle your eyebrows at her as you top off her glass. "Might be for a reason."

“Oh God.” Her quick pang of jealousy is quickly overwhelmed by pure excitement for her friends. “More babies.” She grins and quickly starts to fan her face. “Nope, no tears.”

“If you wanted to cry, you should’ve done it an hour ago before I started your makeup,” Tandy chides — teasingly playful as always. “There is not enough setting spray in the world to stop tear tracks.”

“I know, I know.” Tamara stresses, laughing when she manages to stop the emotions from welling over. “Ughh crying on command isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, I’ll tell you that.”

"We'll take your word for it, honey," Tracy hums, concentrating on setting each and every one of Tamara's curls just right.

She watches as the team transforms her, completely in awe of the process. Most of the time, actors are friends for the moment. On set besties and then life and projects make them drift apart. But the cast and crew of the movie that had garnered everyone their first Oscar were still tight. Lifelong friends now. It makes her smile thinking of the anniversary party coming up in a few weeks. Everyone who had worked on the film was coming.

It does take quite a bit more fussing, but when Tamara is finally fully dressed and styled she looks like an absolute vision.

“You’re breathtaking.” Tracy declares, stepping back to take it all in. “Stunning.”

Tamara turns toward the mirror and gasps. “It’s- I can’t believe that this is me.”

"You're a hell of a muse, sweetheart," you hum, standing just behind her as she looks in the mirror. "You're going to be incredible tonight."

“It’s just like any other red carpet.” She lies to you and to herself as she stares at the beautiful creation you have put together. “No big deal.”

“You do realize,” you grin and pinch her arm as you pass by her. “That red carpets are still a big deal for me? I still get starstruck.”

“That’s because you’ve only been on a few so far.” She huffs, grinning at you. “Wait until Javi decides he wants to act too.”

“He tried to tell me I should.” Which had been a discussion that had led to no end of amusement on your part. “So I think it’s only a matter of time until he tries it out.”

“I don’t think you would like it.” Tamara admits with a small laugh. “Too many people telling you what to do.”

"The only person who tells me what to do is a tiny princess currently being spoiled by her Meemaw." And you would not ask for a single thing about that sentence to change. Not long after your baby shower, your grandmother had agreed with almost no prodding whatsoever to move out to southern California. Your guest house became her house, and she had taken on the duties of live-in babysitter with gusto. Javi is on set today, while you're in New York for the event, so you're being treated to the occasional texted photo sent to your phone featuring your daughter having the time of her life.

“I cannot believe how spry your grandmother is.” Tamara grins, having seen the photos as they come and absolutely adores your spitfire of a paternal grandmother. There have been times that she has taken the older woman out for lunch dates and laughed until she ached. “I love it, and I know she adores spending time with you and your little family.”

“We’re making up for all the lost time that we can.” It’s so important to you that you get to spend time and share memories with your Meemaw after missing out on so much time together. She’s brilliant with your baby girl, and Javi loves having her around just as much as you do.

“That is the best part of the entire situation.” She’s learned about your dad, about your life before you lost him and a part of her mourns his loss for you. She has always been such a daddy’s girl she couldn’t imagine what it felt like. “I love it. She’s become everyone’s Meemaw.”

"It's the role she was born to play," you laugh. "Meemaw to a bunch of full ass grown adults who want nothing more than to prance around LA with her and listen to her crazy stories."

“Alex adores her.” Tamara laughs with you. “And so does Jason. Billie, I honestly think she forgets that she’s technically not related to her.”

"We're all family now." And you all know it. "She just tied the knot that keeps us all together."

“And now, you’re gonna talk me down from having a panic attack.” She teases, her pulse picking up when the rap at the door to the hotel suite can be heard.

"Miss Wilson?" A young man's voice can be heard from the other side. "Your car is pulling around to the front of the hotel. We're ready for you."

"Oh God....oh god." She's reaching for your hand, her perfectly manicured black and gold fingernails almost talons as she grips you tight. "It's time." She looks over at you with almost a pleading expression. "Tell me it's stupid to be this nervous."

"It's not stupid, honey, but I'm going to be right there with you." Through the course of talking, you've gotten yourself into your own dress and slipped on your shoes – hair and make up long having been done. Your look is far simpler and not as essential as Tamara's and it had been easy enough for you to do most of it yourself. "We got this. Together."

“Together.” She takes a deep breath and pulls herself together. Shoulders rolling back, chin coming up and the perfect air of compete control settling over her. Her smile bright and measured as the door opens to reveal the first person she will come into contact with for the night.

The young man at the door is older than he sounded, and leads you down the hallway to the elevator. This is his job tonight, escorting guests from their rooms out to their waiting cars, and it's by far the most stressful night of his young life. "Right this way," he shows the path with one hand. "As soon as the next car pulls up, you head straight out. There are photographers and gawkers outside but security will keep them back so you can get into your car safely."

“Thank you.” She tosses him an appreciative smile. “You are doing a fantastic job.” Shes always made it a point to thank and praise those that work behind the scenes to pull off an event, knowing they are the true heroes.

"Have fun tonight, Miss Wilson." His face burns at her praise and he looks just as gooey and pleased as just about everyone does when they're on the receiving end of Tamara's praise.

"Come on, Tam," you urge her, heading for the door. "Sure you got everything you need before we leave?"

“Wish I had gotten some of the little travel bottles of tequila Javi was bragging about.” She huffs. “But I have my bag, so I think I do.”

"There will be plenty of tequila when we get there," you predict. Although you could go for some teeny bottles of the liquor that your husband and Alex are currently marketing as a joint venture. That is some good goddamn tequila.

“Yeah.” She grins as she gets closer to the door. “Lots of tequila.” The door opens and there is a million flashing lights as the paps start to shout her name trying to get her to look toward their cameras. Everyone vying for ‘the’ shot.

Good natured as always, Tamara gives just two poses on her way to the car. When the door opens, she slides in and you follow, easily closing it behind you so the driver can pull away from the curb again. "And now," you laugh, blinking rapidly. "I'll be blind for the rest of the night."

“It’s always that way.” She snorts. “I swear there could be a lawsuit about how bright those flashes are.”

Your phone pings with a now-familiar name coming up on the screen. Harry Castillo checking in, because the man is obsessively organized. You shoot off a message to let him know you're on your way and then open up your text thread with Javi instead. "Selfie for my hubs?" You ask, holding up your phone to Tamara.

“Absolutely.” She smiles and leans in close. “Anything for Javi. He’s probably the most perfect friend and I know you think he’s the perfect partner.” She giggles. “He’s probably watching the streaming right now to catch a glimpse of you.”

"I don't think he's the perfect partner, he is the perfect partner." Stated like fact, it seems to be a silly thing. But the thing about you and Javi is how hard you both work at being perfect for each other. Finding the balance and maintaining it isn't always easy, but it's worth it. He's come a long way since the days of impulsively buying massively expensive gifts without a second thought, and you've learned the small and large ways to help him feel the most supported and the most loved.

“I love that for you.” If anyone deserves it, it’s you. You are sweet and kind without any pretense or need for acknowledgement. Fake friends are easy to have, but you are one of the true, loyal people she can count on no matter what. “He’s going to meet us there, right? This Percy?”

"He just arrived. That's what the confirmation text was. Now say cheese!" You snapped a quick selfie with her in the car to send off to Javi, caption it with a half dozen colored hearts, and sit back in the slow moving car. "Harry says he's nervous to meet you. Percy is, I mean."

“Is he some superfan, like Javi was with Nick?” She asks. You’ve been frustratingly stingy with the details of this escort. It’s starting to feel like a set up, but she’s never met a Harry Castillo that she knows of.

“Sort of,” you admit. “But not in the way that he paid to meet you. He’s a business associate of Castillo’s who also happens to be a fan.”

“And so this Castillo sponsored my admission to the Met Gala so he could meet me?” She asks suspiciously.

“Call it a…happy side effect?” She’s intrigued, not annoyed, and you grin. “He’s a massive donor to the Met, apparently. Like able to buy out a table at an event where people don’t really buy tickets kind of massive. He also commissioned me to make their suits.”

“Fucking wow.” She snorts. “He must be richer than your husband.”

The two of you huff in joint amusement. "I'd say that with absolute certainty."

“Well, shit….” She snorts and shakes her head. “I guess it would be rude to blow them off, wouldn’t it?” She fiddles with her bracelets and looks over at you. “We need a code word.”

You look into her eyes intensely, trying your damnedest not to giggle and spoil the joke. "What's your safe word, baby?"

She waggles her brows dramatically. “Peaches.” She provides with a deadpan look before busting out laughing.

The two of you are still doubled over giggling when the car rolls to a stop, and you have to squeeze her hand tightly to have any chance of recomposing yourselves before the door opens. "You ready, gorgeous?"

“As I will ever be.” It’s a lifetime dream to be included on this exclusive guest list and now it’s here. The door opens and she is the first to step out, a dramatic set to her face to match her dress.

The flashes start again, but a man steps forward out of the melee and extends his hand, smiling at her like she’s the only thing in the entire world.

But her focus isn’t on his smile, or even his rather handsome face. It’s on the inside of his wrist, which peeks out of his elaborately styled cuff just enough for her to see the swirl of white against his smooth, dark skin.

A little sugar maple leaf emblazoned on his wrist in white ink.

Just like hers.

------ Master Tags: @pixiedurango @chattychell @winter-fox-queen @lady-himbo @artsymaddie @princess76179 @paintballkid711 @missminkylove @pedrosbrat @ew-erin @sarahjkl82-blog @sharkbait77 @justanotherblonde23 @lv7867 @recklesswit @mylittlesenaar @f0rever15elf @gallowsjoker @steeevienicks @athalien @sherala007 @skvatnavle @thatpinkshirt @jaime1110 @girlimjusttryingtoreadfanfics @goodgriefitsawildworld @greeneyedblondie44 @littlemousedroid @harriedandharassed @churchill356 @ajathegreats-blog @haylzcyon   @beardsanddetectives @kirsteng42 @ladykatakuri @adancedivasmom @madiebear @tanzthompson @emilianamason @bigsdinger @xocalliexo @pedr0swh0r3 @avaleineandafryingpan @charlyrmv @avidreader73 @iceclaw101 @loveslide @elegantduckturtle @becsworld @julesonrecord @its-nebuleuse @itsrubberbisquit @mikeyswifie @guelyury @lizzie-cakes @for-a-longlongtime @vabeachazn @purplerain04 @weho2kcmo @madnessofadaydreamer

TUWOP: @inept-the-magnificent @missladym1981 @sunnytuliptime @iamladyp @spishsstuff @famouslyanonymous

[squidsinashirt]

I saw your post about your dad and loved it, very good answer! But wanted to ask, if you’re okay with answer - what about your eldest brother?

Oh boy. That’s well timed, Anon…

(And under the influence of meds, this should be good. I see a delete in my future…)

Ahem.

What about @scramjettracy ? (That username is so appropriate…)

Shoe size? Too big.

Sense of humour? Awful.

Clothing choices? Woeful, owns too many blue shirts.

Okay, okay. I do get the question, I promise.

What about Scott Carpenter Tracy…

I think I would start by saying it would be really easy to just take a lot of what I said about Dad and apply it to Scott - about living your life around legacies and legends, and trying to figure out how that all fits together.

I mean, he’s THE Scott Tracy. Golden eldest son, CEO of Tracy Industries, Commander of International Rescue, dashing hero and pilot of Thunderbird One. Veteran, Boy Scout, brother, son, grandson. Living legend, that guy.

And he deserves it. He’s every bit as brave and courageous and forthright and principled as all the vids make him out to be. If you’re in need of help, it’s that grey baldric you want to see coming. There’s nothing he can’t do, and nothing he won’t do.

And if you can be JEFFTRACYSSON then you can most definitely be SCOTTTRACYSBROTHER. Happens frequently.

I guess too what I said about trying to become the sort of man that earns that birthright also fits. A lot of looking in the mirror and reflecting on your own character and achievements. Making sure before you claim to be something, you’ve earnt it.

Dad would love that kind of accolade. I mean, he was an astronaut, for crying out loud, they’re hardly shy and retiring types these days. Their reputation, and ego, proceed them. Dad would love to know that he’s still such a cornerstone in my life.

That’s not Scott. If you’ve ever met my brother, you’d know from one conversation that is the furthest statement from the truth you could make about him. And that’s where the comparison becomes pretty unfair.

Scott will absolutely hate reading those last couple of paragraphs and he’ll have an earful for me if he sees this.

And if International Rescue was Dad’s dream, then I guess that makes it Scott’s life work. I mean, a dream’s all well and good but… it takes a lot more than that to get it off the ground and running. For iR, that ‘lot more’ is Scott. There would be no International Rescue without Scott, end of story.

Again, I suppose there’s a private side to it too.

Listen, my Dad was… mh. Yeah. I loved him, everything I said before is absolutely true, but… well, it’s complicated.

For a lot of my memories as a young teenager, Dad was grieving. It’s not a free pass, it’s just a fact. He spent a lot of time in his own mind. That’s where the Thunderbirds were born, that’s not a part time commitment.

Scott picked up the pieces, in a lot of ways. Yeah, we had Grandma but… look, we were five little boys who’d lost their mother, and then five slightly older boys who lost their father. I mean, Scott was younger than I am now when we lost Dad… and he was the same age as I was when we lost Dad, when we lost Mom.

Scott still filled both those shoes, without anyone really giving him the choice. He was already buckling up Dad’s long before the crash.

I mean, sure my Dad cheered loudest at my swimming competitions. But it was Scott dragging me out of my bed, packing my swim kit, sitting memorising gym regimes and diets and ready with a pep talk when last minute nerves hit right before I won my gold.

My dad told the best bedtime stories, but it was Scott’s bed we all snuck into at night when it got a little too dark or a little too windy.

Dad let me drive his truck, but it was Scott who made me take driving lessons, any lessons, who made me apply for college and hounded me about my work. After the crash, after the last incident, every time I’ve ended up in casts and braces and slings, it’s Scott that’s pushed me and been the one at my bedside. Some things never change.

Dad made amazing pancakes, but Scott’s are better - he makes ‘em vegan for me too.

Dad and I might have pranked Mom together, but it was Scott who made birthday cards with us, and picked her favourite flowers, and it was Scott who held Alan and I’s hands at her funeral.

And maybe it’s only as I get older that I start to appreciate, start to get an idea, just what Scott gave up to be there for us. I guess you start to reflect on the experiences you have had and compare to the experiences that he had, and start to take stock of it all as each year passes. I know he wouldn’t want me to feel guilty for it, but… well. I guess it’s hard not to. To wonder now and again what he’d have done, if he’d been given the freedom to chose and not saddled with us…

Don’t get me wrong, he can still be a total dick - he spends far too long in the bathroom on his hair and he is the most competitive cheater player at Risk. He is overprotective to the nth degree, and he gives himself grey hairs about us. We’re still brothers, fyi, and we live together.

We’re also more alike than either of us will ever freely admit to, and sometimes that’s not for the better when tempers start to fray. If there’s an argument to be had in the Tracy household, you’ve got a 98% chance it’s us.

But I think we feel… I feel… very protective of him. He’d hate that, he’ll groan and roll his eyes at it and insist it’s not true but… we do. I do. It’s hard to watch the big brother you love so much put in front of the world’s stage to criticise, especially when everyone else sees about 5% of him, and makes assumptions. The rest of us get to hide behind being part of International Rescue but Scott is iR. There’s no shying away from that, and there’s no off switch.

But… yeah.

Anyway. Rambling again. Pain meds. Gonna stop there.

I guess in summary - if I’m proud to be Jeff Tracy’s son, then I’m even more proud to be Scott Tracy’s brother… and there’s a reason he gets a present on Father’s Day.

[glowinggator]

Any ideas of what a first date would look like with Rocky? 👀

(Side note, I adore your writing style so much!! ^^)

A/N: Awe, thank you so much!🧡 Sorry for the late reply, school has officially started back up again, but I'm glad I was able to get this out! I remember in one of the livestreams Tracy said that he'd see nothing wrong with taking you to 7/11 for a date, which let's be real, is my ideal man. Enjoy! 

Extravagant; Theatrical; Moonstruck. These are but three of the most common words to describe Rocky. Despite his handpicked friend group -- or more bluntly, his small group of people willing to stick around -- Rocky tends to draw quite a bit of attention. Very little of it is good, but still: words like that are thrown around with ease. As such, one might assume that Rocky's perfect date would be to some extravagant place where the music never stops and the night never ends. 

But… they would be wrong. 

Because despite his tales of grandeur, Rocky's life has taught him to enjoy the simpler things. Car rides down the streets of Saint Louis, hopping through abandoned streetcars, pocketing snacks from the big convenience store down the lane… that's what Rocky really looks forward to. 

And let's face it: Rocky would love to take you out to a fancy dinner and a movie, but this cat just doesn't have the funds for it. Closest he could get would be the Little Daisy during daylight -- Miss M's always makes sure he's at least somewhat fed -- but he knows all too well that Ivy would leap at the chance to get him back for all the times he's teased her about Freckle. 

(He's sent her off on a few wild goose chases before to grab a bite with you, though. Pancakes can't be beat,  you know.) 

But loving Rocky, you know that money isn't everything. Every moment spent with him is memorable. Many of your date nights are just the two of you hanging out together, whether it be driving around or completing a run for the Lackadaisy -- any moment spent together is so damn good that it's hard to call it anything but a date. Your friends don't quite get it, but that's alright. 

For your first ever date though… he tried pretty damn hard. 

He hopped the fence of some richman (it was Sedgewick, although he'll never admit to it) to steal some flowers for you, tying them together in orange and blue ribbons. You still have their petals saved, pressed into books and stored in mahogany boxes along with all of the letters he's ever written to you. 

The rest of the day is spent in each other's company, driving, talking, and occasionally stopping to dance in the streets of Saint Louis. You can't say you were much of a dancer before meeting him, but he has an infectious energy about him. 

He eventually convinces you to let him sneak you into a movie -- he refuses to let you spend a dime on him, even if you're well-off. You can't tell if he likes the thrill of sneaking in, or if it's out of some chivalrous obligation. Likely both. 

All in all, the night is one of the most magical you've ever had. No price tags for rose colored glasses, or awkward lapses in silence. Just the two of you, taking every moment as it comes by. 

He insists on driving you home that night, just to make sure you get in safe, still thrumming with excitement. Neither of you really want the night to end, but alas. 

(It's not like the two of you don't see each other daily.) 

(He short-circuits when you press a kiss to his cheek before darting out of the car. His voice cracks a little when he says he'll see you tomorrow, hands slipping off the center console when he leans out to shout. You can't wait to see him again.) 

[tagsecretsanta]

From @pareidoliaonthemove

From @pareidoliaonthemove to @littleoldrachel

The Art of a Gift

Fanfic for the TAG Secret Santa 2024

@pareidoliaonthemove

NOTES:

For TAG Secret Santa 2024

Prompts: 1 Nightmare Before Christmas | 2 “Well, SOMEONE just made the naughty list…” | 3 Feeling sad but everyone expects them to be happy because it’s Christmas!

Extra: Virg is my favourite but I’m happy with anything!

I hope this story fits the bill, and a wishing the recipient, and all the Thunderfam a very happy Christmas, filled with all the things you love the best!

Virgil Tracy approached the cluster of girls in the schoolyard nervously. While he knew the laws that governed the hierarchy of the school now allowed him to approach them, his gut instinct told him to keep away.

Boys who like art and piano do not associate with cheerleaders, and ‘in girls’.

But Candice Callen – cheerleader, ‘in girl’ and widely acknowledged as the prettiest girl in their year – had asked him on a date.

Virgil had been uncertain about accepting – things like that just don’t happen, not for real, but no matter the circumstances, boys like him don’t turn down girls like her – not if he wants to survive to graduate.

So Virgil had accepted, even if he spent the whole time waiting for her parents to chase him off their doorstep, or the football team to materialise and do god-knows-what to him (stories of past ‘pranks’ abounded throughout the school and had traumatised Virgil and all his friends before they even thought of casting eyes at girls).

But nothing bad had happened. Candice had introduced him to her parents as her boyfriend, and declared him as such to several other couples from her circle of friends that had been at the restaurant they had eaten at. At the end of the night, Candice had looked up at him shyly, and said she had enjoyed it, and would he like to go out again…?

Virgil, still in a state of shock and unsure about what exactly was going on, had stammered out an agreement, and somehow found himself going on a succession of dates with the prettiest, most popular girl in school.

That his father and grandmother were also doubtful about this new and unexpected relationship was also concerning. But Virgil couldn’t find a graceful way to extract himself from the situation while ensuring that he could walk the school grounds without being either shunned or beaten to a pulp, and time progressed until it was nearly Christmas and Virgil found himself attending a succession of Christmas parties that he would normally not have set foot on the same street as.

And when Virgil somehow found himself attending the Christmas party for his father’s company with Candace on his arm, wearing a dress that had his grandmother tutting with disapproval, his father frowning censoriously and asking pointed questions about Candice being cold, while his brothers eyes were out on stalks, and Virgil was afraid to touch her, lest he make contact with Something That He Should Not Touch.

It was much earlier than customary when Jeff summoned Kyrano to take ‘the kids’ home, to the poorly concealed delight of the five Tracy brothers and Kayo, and the pouting disappointment of Candice.

But Christmas was nearly upon them, and now Virgil was nervously approaching his girlfriend and her friends. He was spotted as he dithered a short distance away.

“Virgil!” Candice squealed, throwing her arms wide and running towards him. Virgil resolutely Did Not Look at the bouncing of her sweater front. She stopped a short distance from him, placed her hands on his shoulders, and leaned in, performing her customary European Double Cheek Kiss with two loud ‘muwah’s, her left foot raised behind her.

Virgil, at a loss what to do, had rested his hands just above her elbows, as she pulled away, he let his hands slide down her arms to catch her hands. “I, uh, I was wondering if, if it would be alright if I came around tonight to deliver your Christmas present?” he asked, feeling his face heat up as the cluster of girls behind Candice elbowed each other and tittered. “You know, with you heading out of state to visit family…”

“Oh, Virgil! A present? Oh, you shouldn’t have!” Candice cooed, and then she giggled coyly. “My parents will be home, so I hope it isn’t that kind of present…”

Virgil flushed beet red at the laughter from her cohort. “NO! No! Oh, no! Nothing like that!” Then Candice pouted and Virgil realised how his words could have been taken. “I mean, um, what, ah, that…”

Candice giggled again. “Silly. I was teasing. Of course you can come around tonight, you know my step-mom and dad like you and you’re always welcome!”

Virgil swallowed. That was true, Mrs Callen had been a friend of his moms, back then she had been in her first marriage, and had been a meek and nervy woman – Virgil had been too young to understand at the time; but with her second marriage she had flourished, and was by all accounts a ‘good match’ with Mr Callen, a well-respected accountant and volunteer firefighter in the town. Virgil had long been familiar with both adults, and they had been nothing but welcoming when he visited their house.

“Uh, okay. Would about five thirty be okay? Only I can’t stay long, because …”

Candice waved away his explanation. “Five thirty will be perfect, Virgil. And Toby has some dreary Rescue Scouts thing that I have to go to, and he’s got to be there for six-thirty.”

Virgil would also be at the ‘dreary’ Rescue Scouts ‘thing’: it was John’s last mid-year presentation, and he was being honoured as one of the thirty Scouts ever, world wide, to have accomplished all badges, and all three of the ‘Personal Improvement’ Challenges. John was particularly pleased to be receiving his recognition at the Mid-Year. It meant he had beaten Scott by six months.

Virgil nodded. “Okay. Um. I’ll see you at five thirty?”

Candice nodded, and pulling her hands free, turned, and hurried back to her friends, disappearing into their midst amid a tsunami of giggles.

Virgil backed away a few steps until he was sure they had lost interest in him, before scurrying back to where he belonged.

“All set, kiddo?” Grandma Tracy looked at Virgil slumped nervously his unaccustomed seat in the front of her car.

“Uh, yeah,” Virgil glanced at the back seat, where the gift was carefully strapped into one of the rear seats. Scott sat on the other side of the car, and grinned encouragingly at him. His eldest brother was back from College having turned in his assignments early, and having withstood his father’s interrogation on the subject, was now along for the ride to ‘support’ Virgil.

Jeff had taken his other three sons to the hall early to help set up, and Scott and Grandma would join in after dropping Virgil at the Callens house, and would be back exactly forty-five minutes later to collect him.

Virgil stared out his widow at the house. He was sweating, and it had nothing to do with the heater Grandma had on full blast in the car.

“It’ll be fine, Virg. She’ll love it,” Scott said. “Do you want a hand carrying it to the door?”

“NO!” Virgil yelped, before shamefacedly turning to face his brother. “Sorry, no, I’ll be fine. I’m just…” he waved a hand. “I’ve not done this before, okay?”

Scott grinned his unrepentant amusement, and Grandma chuckled sympathetically. “Come on, kiddo. Out you get. Faint heart, and all that…”

Virgil flushed again and scrambled to escape the car. He still remembered her giving Scott advice – rather graphic advice – about how to french kiss, when Scott had embarrassedly admitted to a disastrous attempt at a kiss with an early girlfriend. He did not want to hear what she might come out with for this situation.

It was with his Grandmother’s fond laughter ringing in his ears that Virgil mounted the front stairs to the Callen’s house, carefully carrying the large gift wrapped package. He waited a moment to ensure the car had turned the corner on its way to the hall before he rang the doorbell.

It was a suspiciously short time before the door opened. Mrs Callen was there, “Virgil! Come in, we’ve been expecting you.”

As Virgil shuffled into the house with his package, Mrs Callen scanned the road outside. “Your ride already left, Virgil?”

He nodded. “Yes, Mrs Callen. Grandma and Scott have gone to help set up the hall. Dad and the others are already there.”

She smiled. “Toby and his Dad are there helping set up, too.” A glance towards the stairs. “Candice takes a bit of time to get read, and I needed time to get the dinner sorted. So we’ll catch them up. If you’re going to the hall too, we can give you a ride?”

Virgil smiled. “Thank you, Mrs Callen, but I’m under strict instructions. I think Dad is looking for a way to make sure Grandma’s not asked to help in the kitchen again,” he added, conspiratorially and she smiled.

“I don’t think there’s anybody new enough to make that mistake,” Mrs Callen reassured him, then paused taking in the gift wrapped parcel, Virgil was clutching.

“Why don’t you wait in the lounge, and I’ll hurry Candice along? I promise, I’ll keep out of your way!”

Virgil flushed, muttered his thanks and followed Mrs Callen to the door to the lounge room. As she hurried off, Virgil carefully propped the gift up against the low coffee table, and turned to stand beside it, facing the door.

Virgil was always nervous when he performed, or when people saw his art, but it seemed to him that this was the worst he’d ever been. He felt hot and cold by turns, there was no oxygen in the room, and it took him a second to realise that what he had thought was some weird metal band being played at high volume was actually his own heartbeat.

This is stupid, he told himself. It’s just a present. I’m just giving her a present. He ran through the breathing exercises his music teacher had taught him and gradually he restored control of his own body.

Candice appeared in the doorway. “Virgil! You made it!” she squealed, and he had yet another repeat of the shoulder-grip double European Cheek Kiss.

“Uh, yeah. Grandma dropped me off. She’s got to pick me up in a bit…” Candice gave him a blank look. “Oh, um, so,” he picked up the package and held it out to her. “This is for you,” he said, awkwardly. “Ah, Happy Christmas?”

Candice blinked at the gift and took it, her face a wide, toothy smile. “Oh, thank you!” she cooed. She tore off the paper, letting it fall to the floor around her feet. Virgil shuffled slightly to the side as she held the revealed canvas out at arms length, so he could see her expression. For a second there was the blank look, then she frowned at the canvas. Virgil’s heart sank.

He knew the painting – a portrait of Candice – wasn’t his very best work, but it was very, very far from his worst. He’d had the realisation that he’d be expected to give her a gift a bit too late, but overall, he was pleased with the result.

He shifted a little, and Candice seemed to realise that he was watching her. The wide, toothy smile that plastered itself to her face was unconvincing, as she exclaimed, “Oh, it’s amazing, Virgil! To think you painted a portrait of little old me!”

Virgil relaxed. Maybe she wasn’t used to receiving art? It had long ago become his go-to. Paintings, drawings, small sculptures and specially written piano music were received with great enthusiasm by his family and the friends he gifted them to.

Candice set the painting on the lounge and looked back at him expectantly. Virgil flushed, his nervousness returning as he realised he didn’t know what she was waiting for him to do. “Um, I’m glad you like it,” he hedged. “I don’t normally give people portraits, not of themselves, but I realised I didn’t know what your favourite type of landscape was, and a still life seemed too, uh, generic, you know? Just … not personal enough? Ah, I’ll get it framed, I just didn’t know what type of frame … Mr Mishra, has a shop just off Main, I always get him to frame my paintings. Um, it’ll have to be in the New Year, though, he’s gone to India to visit some cousins…”

Virgil ran out of things to say, while he was waiting for Candice to … stop looking at him like that.

The silence stretched for a moment, and the frown began to form on Candice’s face. “Is that it?” she asked.

“Is what it?”

“Is that it? Is that all you’re giving me? A painting? Where’s the rest of my present?”

Virgil stared at her. “The frame. You’ll need to choose that…”

He cringed under the thunderous frown. “Virgil,” Candice said, very slowly and deliberately. “I am not your mother. This is not Mothers Day in kindergarten. This is Christmas, and I am your girlfriend. And some tacky painting you made yourself isn’t going to cut it. I know you know what I want. And I know you brought it. There was only one, and it’s gone now. The day after I marked it out for you.” She glared. “I don’t know what you’re playing at, turning up with this painting, but I’m giving you one chance to get it right. You hear?”

Virgil nodded, his knees feeling week.

“Good. I’m going to tell everyone that my present, my real present, had a problem with it, and it’s taking some time to get it fixed. You can give it to me once I’m back at school from my trip. At lunch the first day. In front of everyone. So make it good. Make sure everyone knows how valuable I am. Understand?”

Virgil nodded.

“Good. Now go. And. Fix. This. Up.”

Virgil went.

He was halfway to the hall before he realised what he was doing. He paused, shivering in the street as the wind cut him straight to the bone, as he considered his options. If he called for a ride, he would be both reprimanded for walking alone and so far in the cold, and interrogated for the reason for his quick departure from the Callens.

Virgil had to go to the Rescue Scouts presentation. Virgil didn’t want to go to the Rescue Scouts presentation. He wanted to go home. He needed to think. And he needed quiet to do so. Candice’s words had shaken him to his core. Tacky. Childlike. What if everyone though that? What if Dad, Grandma and his brothers thought he was tacky and childish and cheap giving them gifts he had made, rather than spending his money on them, like they did for him?

He started walking, only to stop after a few dozen steps. What if Mom hadn’t liked his gifts?

The cold that chilled him now had nothing to do with the wind.

Eventually Virgil managed to get his feet moving, Jeff’s long-held mantra kickstarting his thought processes. When problems dogpile on you, start working on the most immediate one. First up, Virgil needed to get to the Rescue Scouts Presentation, and come up with an excuse for not calling for a ride, or waiting for the appointed pickup time.

He still didn’t have a suitable explanation by the time he slipped into the Hall, and almost straight into his grandmother.

“Virgil! I was just heading out to pick you up!” she exclaimed. “What are you doing here so soon?”

“I, um…”

He was saved by Grandma glancing over his shoulder. “Oh, Mrs Callen is here. I hope you thanked her, young man.”

“Yes, Grandma.” It wasn’t lying, Virgil told himself. He had thanked Mrs Callen, just not for what Grandma thought he had. He quickly sought to change the subject. “Is there anything I can help with?”

Grandma smiled at him, “You’re a good boy, Virgil. Yes, they still need help setting out chairs up the back.”

Virgil nodded, and fled to the back of the hall, on the far side from his father and brothers and started dutifully lining up chairs for the audience.

Caught up with trying to figure out which of the next of his problems, Virgil lost track of his familys whereabouts, and bumped into his father. “Virgil, you’re here early,” Jeff said, surprised. “How did it go, son?”

Virgil froze, he had no story ready and no desire to tell his father exactly how badly he had messed up.

Mr Callen came to his rescue. “Jeff, honestly, what a question! Would you have told your father the particulars of a meet-up with your girlfriend at his age?”

Jeff chuckled. “I guess not, at that.” He smiled at Virgil. “I’m sure she loved her present, son. I just like seeing you get the appreciation you deserve.”

Virgil’s heart sank at the words. What did his father mean by that? Did he really think Virgil deserved praise? Or was that a way of saying that Virgil deserved the scorn and disdain Candice had just shown him? He forced a smile. “Thanks, Dad,” and fled with another chair.

Virgil was living in a nightmare.

It was less than a week to Christmas, and every waking moment was taken up by trying to figure out how to fix the problems he suddenly fond himself faced with.

He had nearly two hundred dollars in his hidden wallet. One hundred and ninety three dollars and eighty cents, to be exactly.

One hundred and ninety three dollars and eighty cents. One week to Christmas. Four brothers, and two adults. And a girlfriend who had apparently told him what he was expected to buy. Her comment about how ‘valuable’ the gift was to show her to be suggested that he was supposed to give her an expensive present.

Virgil threw himself into all the chores and after-school jobs he could, trying to scrape every last cent he could to firm up his personal finances, while he tried to figure out what to do. Should he use all his money to buy a present for Candice and try to save his hide at school? Should he commit social suicide and try to buy acceptable gifts for his family? Virgil couldn’t decide what to do.

And all the while he went to school, and tried to focus on his lessons; continued his usual after-school lessons and activities; and fulfilled his Christmas-related obligations – playing piano for carol concerts for the hospital, and two of his Grandmother’s fundraising extravaganzas. All the while he tried to hide the true extent of his misery and confusion.

He knew he wasn’t managing it: reprimands for daydreaming in class, followed by concerned questions about his health from teaches; teasing comments from his brothers about ‘moping because he was missing his girlfriend’; and frequently being felt for fever and having his throat and glands checked by his father and grandmother, who were concerned that he was coming down with a seasonal malady. Virgil desperately tried to deflect all this unwanted attention, it was a distraction he didn’t need. There were concerned looks, but everyone backed off, not wanting to provoke a quarrel this close to the time of peace and goodwill.

But time ticked steadily away, and Virgil was very aware of the looming deadline that grew nearer and more ominous.

It was two days before Christmas, and Jeff Tracy was worried. Virgil had been quiet, withdrawn and anxious for nearly a week and for the life of him, Jeff couldn’t figure out why. If he had to make a guess, he would say that the exchanging of Christmas gift with the Callen girl hadn’t gone well, but Virgil had denied it when asked. Although it hadn’t escaped either Jeff or Sally’s notice that there didn’t appear to have been a reciprocal gift.

Both Jeff and his mother had been surprised when Virgil had announced that he had a date with the girl – she wasn’t in his usual circle of friends, and didn’t appear to have anything in common with Virgil; but now that surprise was becoming a vague concern.

Sighing, Jeff pushed his concerns aside. Failed romances were practically a right of adolescence, and at least Virgil wasn’t indulging in the drama that had accompanied some of Scott’s early forays into the world of romance.

He turned his attention back to what he was supposed to be doing: wrapping Christmas gifts. His main gifts had already been wrapped and slid safely under the Christmas tree, protected from Gordon and Alan’s inquisitive fingers by the barrier of the booby-trapped old playpen. But, it had almost become tradition for Jeff to make last-minute purchases – that little something that always seemed perfect when he saw them – that could be wrapped and used to sate the boys exuberance Christmas morning before everyone was ready to face the day.

He pulled the small bag towards him, and pulled out the box it contained. He had been surprised to find a jewellers catalogue open on the kitchen table, a scribbled circle highlighting a diamond and titanium tennis bracelet. The only person who could have done it was his mother, and it was unlike her to show a particular interest in jewellery, but he had a vague memory of her speaking of her grandmother and a bracelet the woman had always worn. It had gone to a cousin, as Jeff recalled, claimed by her uncle as his right as the oldest son to bestow it upon his daughters. Maybe the bracelet reminded her of her grandmothers? The two thousand dollar price tag was expensive, but he could afford it now, and it was Christmas.

He had only managed to cut down the wrapping paper and find where the tape and ribbon had disappeared to when there was a knock on the door. Desperately flipping his comforter over the mess on his bed, Jeff called out, “Who’s there?”

“Jeff, you’ve got a phone call. Simon Callen. He says it’s very urgent he speaks to you – privately.”

His heart sinking, Jeff went to the door and, carefully blocking his mother’s view of the bed, slid outside, firmly closing the door behind him. His mother was twisting her hands anxiously in the corridor. Jeff understood her anxiety. Simon Callen, the father of Virgil’s girlfriend, making an urgent and private phone call from his holiday; what had Virgil been up to?

“I’ve transferred the call to your study, and I’ll keep the boys away from the main phone,” Sally told him.

“Thanks, Mom,” he caught and squeezed her hand. “I’ll find out what all this is about, and I’ll let you know.”

Hurrying to his study, Jeff again secured the door behind him, and slid into his chair, as he accepted the waiting call. The video screen flared to live and he was surprised to see a devastated looking Simon Callen. All sorts of scenarios filled his mind. “Simon, what…?”

“Jeff, I’m sorry to bother you, but I thought this needed to be dealt with immediately.”

Jeff’s heart sank. Oh, god, what?

“Do you know what Virgil’s gift to Candice was?”

Jeff blinked. That was not what he expected from Simon’s greeting. “Um, a painting. I think it was a portrait of Candice?”

Simon bit his lip. “So he hadn’t brought anything else, some jewellery?”

A niggling thought began to worry at Jeff’s mind. “Not that I know of. Virgil always gifts things he’s made – paintings, sculpture or music he’s written.”

Simon nodded. “That’s what I thought.” He sighed. “Jeff, Mary and I overheard Candice talking to a cousin today, she was saying how Virgil was going to ‘fix up’ his screw up with the present he’d given her, that he’d tried to ‘cheap out’ on her by trying get out of giving her some bracelet she’d indicated to him she wanted, and she knew he’d brought.”

Everything suddenly clicked into place. Jeff swallowed. “I can promise you that Virgil didn’t buy the bracelet. He probably didn’t even know he was supposed to buy it. I found a catalogue with a bracelet indicated. I thought it was my mother highlighting something she liked. I brought the bracelet.” Jeff smiled thinly. “Virgil wouldn’t have been able to afford it, at any rate.”

Simon sagged with relief. “I’ve told Candice that she’s not going to be seeing any boys, and especially not Virgil. From what we’ve gotten out of my niece, Candice has been pulling this kind of racket for a while. She set her sights on Virgil because she’s decided that you’re rich, and he’ll pay to be seen with her.” His lips tightened. “I’ll be contacting the school, to ensure that they know to keep an eye on her, and try to get some information about other boys she might have been … pursuing.”

Jeff nodded. It would be humiliating for Simon and Mary. They were good people, and certainly wouldn’t have raised Candice to be like that. “I’m sorry, Simon. I appreciate how hard this must be for you. I’ll talk to Virgil, in the meantime. I’ll do everything I can to help you through this, Simon. I can’t imagine how I’d feel if any of my boys had done something similar.”

Simon smiled sadly. “You’re a good friend, Jeff. I just wish…”

Jeff nodded. “I you and me both.” He offered a smile of his own. “I know it’s going to be awkward for you, but I hope you have a good Christmas.”

Simon sighed. “It’ll be hard, but we’ll try, Jeff. The same to you and your family. And I’ll be in touch.”

As the videophone went dead in front of him, Jeff sighed. Oh god. Now wonder Virgil had been moping. His thoughts went to the catalogue and bracelet in his room. Two thousand dollars. How did the girl think Virgil would be able to afford that?

Jeff had a moment of doubt. He hadn’t doubted until now that his mother had highlighted the bracelet. Could he be wrong about the girl?

Jeff left his office, slid into his room and gathered up the catalogue and jewellers box. Bundling them into a jumper he pulled off the chair Lucy had always insisted she needed in the bedroom, and Jeff had never had the heart to remove permanently, Jeff went in search of his mother.

“Jeff, what did he have to say?” He indicated the kitchen and shut the door after her before turning to face her.

Jeff pulled out the catalogue. “Mom, did you mark this out?” he handed her the paper, cover folded back to show the advertisement for the bracelet.

She took the catalogue, glanced at the page and shook her head. “No, wh-” her eyes went wide in shock. “She didn’t?”

“Apparently she did,” Jeff said grimly. “Simon and Mary overheard her bragging about it to a cousin.”

Her eyes turned to the door. “That poor boy. No wonder he’s been so quiet.”

Jeff nodded. “I’m going to have to talk to him. Can you keep the others away from my study? I know it has the best soundproofing, but you know what they’re like.”

Sally nodded. “You take care of Virgil. I’ll sort out the rest of them, Jeff.”

A grin. “Don’t be too harsh on them, Mom.”

She snorted, and pushed him gently towards the door, tucking the catalogue into his grip. Jeff took the hint and went to the lounge, where the boys were all playing a board game, Virgil only giving it half his concentration.

“Sorry to interrupt, boys, but I need to talk to Virgil.” The five of them looked up, Virgil’s expression stricken, as the others were surprised.

Jeff held out an arm to his son, and Virgil reluctantly stood up and shuffled towards his father. Jeff swept his arm around his sons shoulders and started guiding him towards the study. Behind him, Jeff could hear Gordon snickering, “Well, SOMEONE just made the naughty list…” before John and Scott shushed him, and his Mom pounced, chivvying the boys to some chore she suddenly desperately needed completed.

Jeff directed Virgil to a chair in his study as he shut the door behind them, and dragged his office chair around to face his dejected son. “I’ve just had a call from Simon Callen,” he began cautiously.

All the colour drained from Virgil’s face. “Wh...what did he want?” he asked, his voice unusually high.

Jeff pulled out the catalogue and handed it to Virgil. “Have you seen this?” he asked. Virgil took the catalogue frowned and shook his head. Then something caught his attention, and he – almost impossibly – paled even further, his lips moving inaudibly. Jeff lipread his sons words ‘Two thousand’.

“I thought your grandmother had highlighted the bracelet,” he said. Pulling out the box and offering it, open, to his son.

In shock, Virgil accepted it, and considered the bracelet. “It’s pretty, but it’s not really Grandma’s style,” he finally managed. “She’d probably prefer a hinged circle type. Um, kind of like a tighter fitting gypsy bracelet?”

Jeff considered, and took the box back, examining the bracelet again. “You’re probably right on that,” he conceded. “I thought it maybe reminded her of a bracelet her grandmother had had, that went to a cousin.”

Virgil gave a silent ‘oh’ in response. They remained silent as Jeff closed the box, and again re-wrapped it and the catalogue in the jumper which he sat on the desk. Jeff sighed. “Did she ask you for other presents?” Jeff asked gently.

Virgil shook his head. “No.” He paused. “I didn’t know she had ‘asked’ for the bracelet until I gave her her gift.”

Jeff nodded. “How did that go, Virgil? Honestly, this time.”

He was alarmed when Virgil’s eyes immediately filled with tears. It took a moment before Virgil managed to say, “At first she made out like she liked it. But then she was … waiting. Like she expected something more, you know?” Jeff nodded. “Then she said … she called the painting tacky, and said that it was childish giving a painting I’d painted.” Virgil stopped, taking several deep breaths before he continued. “She said she knew I’d brought when she’d wanted, and I had one chance to ‘fix it’. I had to give her her ‘real present’ at school in front of everyone. And they had to know how ‘valuable’ she is.”

Virgil bit his lip, for a long moment, then looked up at his father, his eyes threatening to overfill with tears. “Dad,” he whispered, “am I childish and cheap giving people presents that I made?”

Jeff swallowed the lump in his throat, and ignored the burning in his own eyes. “No, Virgil,” he managed, ignoring how his own voice caught, in his throat. “We all, that is your brothers, Grandmother and myself, all know how much time and effort you put into your gifts. It’s the thought you put into what you make, considering what people like, and how best create it.” Jeff smiled wryly, “Between you and me, it can be something of a relief to know that I’m guaranteed one present that isn’t more pairs of socks or underwear, you know?”

Virgil stared at him, and suddenly, uncharacteristically, threw himself at his father, wrapping his arms around him and burrowing his face into his chest. Jeff quickly felt the shuddering breaths and developing damp patch on his shirt front, and his heart broke a little more. Gently rocking his son as though he were several years younger than his actual age, he began stroking the back of his head, quietly waiting out Virgil’s emotions.

It was a long while, but finally Virgil’s breathing settled and sniffing embarrassedly, he pulled back. Jeff let him go a little way, but kept his hold. He examined Virgil’s face carefully, before offering his handkerchief. “Feel better?” he asked as Virgil scrubbed at his face.

Virgil nodded. “I’d been all twisted up, I didn’t know what to do.” He pulled back again, searching for his seat, and Jeff let him go. “I didn’t know what Candice thought I’d brought, and I just felt sick thinking that everyone might think the same as she did…” His breath hitched again. “I didn’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do.”

Jeff looked at him in askance. “Candice is one of the ‘it girls’, and everyone says she’s the prettiest girl at school. You don’t say ‘no’ to her. Not if you want to survive at school.”

Jeff’s eyebrows rose. “So you dating her…”

Virgil shrugged. “She asked me. Maybe one of the footballers, or someone like that might get to turn her down, but me?” Virgil shook his head. “It’d have been like declaring war on the popular kids, Dad.” Virgil looked down, embarrassed. “And, I think, I liked that she asked me.” He coloured. “But I didn’t really like her, you know?” Jeff nodded. “We had nothing in common, but she kept asking me out again, and telling people I was her boyfriend, and I kinda … never had a chance to say otherwise.”

Jeff nodded again. “Well, you won’t have to tell her ‘no’,” he offered. “Her parents are banning her from seeing any boys, and they’re going to explain to the school what’s happened. I think they’re planning on following up with other boys she’s done the same thing to. Make her pay them back for the, uh, ‘gifts’ she’s asked for.”

Virgil offered a tight smile. “That might be a long list.” Then his shoulder’s sagged. “I’ve been an idiot, falling for this, haven’t I?” he asked despondently.

Jeff reached over to lift his face up with gentle pressure under his chin. “No, Virgil,” he said, firmly and maintaining eye contact. “You’ve been young. You’ve been inexperienced. You’ve been trusting. And you’re not the only one. There’s no shame in what you’ve done. Understand me?” He waited for an affirmative response. “And the next time you come across a woman like her, you’ll be older and wise for this experience.”

Virgil stared at his father. “You really think there will be more like her?”

Jeff sighed. “Yes, son. I’m afraid there will be. The business is starting to move ahead, and we’re … better off than most in town.” He shrugged. “Somewhere like New York, nobody would notice us.” He smiled. “Well, you’ll have to watch out when art galleries and music studios start to recognise your talent. But the rest of us?” Jeff shrugged again.

Virgil managed a smile. “Until the business gets even better again.”

Jeff chuckled. “I appreciate your confidence in my abilities, son, but I think you’re being a bit fanciful there. I might manage big in Topeka, maybe even Wichita, but even I don’t think an ex-astronaut will have the nous to pull it off world wide.”

“I guess we’ll see, then,” Virgil said.

“I guess we will,” Jeff agreed. “And speaking of seeing, will I be seeing another round of socks and underwear Christmas morning?”

Virgil grinned, a bit of his customary mischief back in his face. “I guess we’ll see,” he repeated.

Jeff chuckled. “I guess we will at that,” he agreed. “Now, get going. Go save your brothers from your Grandma, and have some fun.”

Virgil shot to his feet, “Yes, sir,” he offered a poorly executed salute before scurrying the door.

Jeff heard his feet thundering down the corridor. “Gordon, you had better not have messed with my pieces!” He chuckled at the shouted admonition from his mother for Virgil to walk, competing with Gordon’s protections of innocence and Scott’s assurance he had prevented all attempts to cheat.

Picking up the sweater, Jeff headed back to his bedroom. He had some gifts to wrap, and he had to decide what to do with the bracelet. Virgil was right, it wasn’t really his mother’s style.

Jeff smiled, daydreaming a little. If Virgil was correct, he would have to get used to making such high-stakes decisions...

[gumnut-logic]

J Protocol

The Protocols

This one is a long time coming and I've been staring at it for hours, so have no idea if it is good enough and it hasn't been read through by anyone but me, so I'm going in blind.

This is for @onereyofstarlight who has waited long enough ::hugs::

I hope you enjoy it.

-o-o-o-

John liked to be alone.

It allowed him to rest, to think, and to be himself. There were no demands on how he needed to act, what he was wearing or what he felt like saying.

Alone he could serenade the stars, karaoke dance to his ABBA collection, read without anyone commenting on what he was reading, and, hell, leave the bathroom door open if he wanted to. Being alone had its advantages.

But it also had its disadvantages.

Today had been an unpleasant one.

The fish brother in the back of his head cried foul and described it in much more colourful terms, in several different languages - did Gordon actually know how to speak Greek? All of the above would have had Grandma threatening to clean his mouth out with soap, but really, John couldn’t help but agree with the description.

Even the thought of his little brother had him smiling just a little as Thunderbird Five slowly grew larger.

He had been out in his exosuit, something he usually enjoyed when a rescue was close by. This had involved a couple of idiots in orbit who had done something very, very stupid.

And it cost them everything.

John had been fast, but space was faster and it took their lives.

Scott had been on comms at the time. His eldest brother had all the kind words amongst the command decisions, but a mission failure was still a failure and after the long shift before it, John was just tired and sad.

Returning home to Five was a relief, but there was part of him, a very small part of him, who missed the loud of home.

He liked being alone.

But he loved his family.

And today sucked all the ass.

Gordon, watch your language.

Talkin’ to yourself, bro.

Solitude also tended to promote conversations with himself.

“John, which airlock will you be using?”

But then, was he truly alone?

“The rear ‘lock, Eos. The suit needs some repairs and a good clean.”

“Should I alert Virgil?”

“No, I can manage.” But that would be an excuse to see his big brother. Virgil wasn’t a fan of space, but he would drop by at any hint of John needing help.

A glance in the direction of Tracy Island, in midnight darkness just like the whole half a planet beneath him.

John sighed as he slowed, firing reverse thrusters to kill off his velocity, to a smooth pacing of Five. Splattering himself across her solar panels would certainly be an undesirable end to an already shitty day.

Eos had the airlock open and waiting, enabling John to slip in quietly. Five crept around him with her protection. Being out in space was a raw experience. Beautiful, but raw. His ‘bird provided a sense of security with cahelium between him and the harsh environment.

The airlock sealed and the air pressure welled up, familiar in its reassuring caress. The inner door slipped open and he pushed off gently into the module he had left in such a hurry several hours earlier.

He ran through the disassembly routine for his exosuit, robotic arms pulling it gently from his body. For some reason he found himself leaning into that metallic touch.

Damn, maybe he had been away from Tracy Island for too long.

He would have to schedule some leave.

But he had that experiment running…and Auckland University were waiting for his write up on his comet. He could do the writing on Tracy Island - would his brothers give him the space?

The pun was ignored.

His brothers tried. He knew they tried. They respected his wishes as much as they could. Didn’t understand them, but respected them. They knew social interaction took energy he felt better spent elsewhere. They knew that what worked for them didn’t necessarily work for him.

They tried.

Hard.

But he also knew they missed him.

And he loved them for it.

Returning to Earth added him to their lives in three dimensions and they often wanted to take advantage of that. Hell, he wanted to take advantage.

But there was transition time from space to Earth, and all the stuff he had up here, and…

God, he was tired.

The mechanics finished up, leaving him floating free in the centre of the module.

He let himself drift just a little.

“John?”

Eos didn’t ask if he was okay, but the question was there anyway.

He sighed. “Stash the exosuit, I’ll do the repairs tomorrow.”

“Yes, John.” How did she put so much emotional inflection into those two words?

He refused to sigh again, simply reaching out to touch the wall and nudge himself towards the airlock leading into the central hub of Five.

The room lit up as he entered, the familiar map of the planet below spreading out across the spherical walls. The rescue indicators were clear for once in his life and he was quite happy to pass by the map and head for the gravity ring, aiming for his bathroom and the chance to clean off the sweat under his uniform.

“Hey.”

The sudden appearance of a body blocking his path confused his exhausted brain and he was slow to connect the dots of green, blue and heavy lifting brother.

“Whoa, Johnny, take a breath.”

A hand steadied him where his reaction had sent him spinning just a little.

“Virgil? What? Eos, why didn’t you tell me?”

“Virgil asked me not to. You said I should listen to Virgil, so I did.”

John deflated, and sighed in exasperation. “Virgil, why? You scared the shit out of me.”

That earned him a raised eyebrow.

Okay, so plain, old boring swear words weren’t usually his thing, but he was tired.

That eyebrow twitched in his direction.

Oh.

“Just dropping in for a home visit. That last situation was a rough one.”

“I’m fine, Virgil.” He pushed past his brother. “Just need some sleep.”

“Uh-huh.”

John rolled his eyes as he pushed himself out into the ring, his feet lightly landing in the low gravity environment. He strode across cahelium reinforced glass. “If you’re going to order me back to Tracy Island, I rather you didn’t.”

Virgil was obviously following him, the soft squeak of his specialised boots on the glass a not unfamiliar sound. “Haven’t even thought about it. Just wanted to drop by and see how you were going.”

“At two in the morning.”

“I’m a night owl.” He could feel his brother’s smile bounce off the back of his head.

John grunted as he reached the doors to his rooms. He turned to his brother standing behind him. “I’m going to get cleaned up. Back shortly.”

“Scott says debrief in the morning, but I would like to check you over before bed.”

“Really?” It was whiney and childish, and he earned that extra eyebrow arch, but damnit, he was tired.

“Really.” And there was just that touch of steel in Virgil’s voice. Not quite the same as Scott’s commander tone, but just as final. “Don’t make me come in there after you.”

“Fine.” He threw open the door and wished he could slam it behind him with all the petulance he felt right now.

Virgil didn’t answer, nor did he follow him.

It only took a moment or two for the guilt to sink in and John was faced with the fact that Virgil was worried about him. He climbed up into orbit, into space which he didn’t enjoy, to check on his little brother, only to encounter …John.

He let his head drop against the glass of his bedroom wall. Because of the lower gravity, his forehead did not hit with any of the thump he needed it to.

A sigh. He would apologise, but first he needed to get clean.

-o-o-o-

It was a bit longer than he had expected when he finally emerged from his rooms, but he felt just a little bit more human for the clean and new spacesuit.

Time also helped. His head had been caught up in rescue gone bad. Those few extra minutes helped him step back and breathe.

Virgil wasn’t outside his door, which, considering he’d likely left him with the impression he might have to hogtie John to get the readings he needed, was a surprise.

“Eos, where is Virgil?”

“In the infirmary. John, do you like pineapple?”

He frowned, heading in the direction of the small room set aside for medical needs on the gravity ring. “Yes, why?”

“Even if it is on pizza?”

“Uh, no. Pineapple should never be put on pizza.” He frowned as he slipped into the infirmary. “Have you been talking to Gordon?”

“Yes, and he is most emphatic that pizza should include pineapple in its toppings.”

“Gordon has issues.”

Virgil snorted. “That he does.” His brother looked up as John entered. Apparently, he was doing a medical supply inventory.

He had removed his baldric and harness, and was standing in his overalls-styled uniform without his usual green. It wasn’t right.

As if sensing John’s affronted senses, Virgil frowned. “You okay?”

John shrugged and sat down quietly, and obediently, on the small bed. “You need the green.”

Virgil looked down at himself, wrinkling his nose. “I do feel kind of naked.”

“So why did you take it off?”

“Didn’t need it. Need the suit for safety, but didn’t want to clink every time I moved.” He pulled the medscanner out of it protective sleeve on the bulkhead.

John held up a hand. “Sorry about before. I-“

Virgil put a hand on his arm. “Nothing. Been there, it’s not fun. Understandable.” And that was the end of that.

Virgil gently pushed John’s arm down to his side and began waving the scanner over John’s body.

Ten seconds later he turned off the scanner. “You’re good. Could do with some food, drink and sleep, but everything else is fine. You don’t even have any bruises.” A gentle smile. “You’re good, John.”

“Thank you.” There was a double meaning there, good in health and a compliment on a good job done. “And thank you for coming all the way up here. I could have saved you the trip.” He did know how to use the medscanner, after all.

“There is more to your health than what that scanner can tell me.” Virgil eyed him as he put the device away. “Besides, I like to see my all my brothers from time to time.”

“The time, Virgil. You should be in bed.”

Then as if to throw John completely out of whatever universe he was currently in, Alan bounded through the door. “Virg, it’s working. All ready to go.” His littlest brother looked up. “Oh, hey, John.” And he darted out as fast as he had entered.

“What?” The word burst out of his mouth. “How-?” He glared at Virgil. “What’s going on?”

But Virgil just straightened and smiled. “J Protocol.”

“You’re kidding.”

“Nope.” Virgil strode past him and pushed open the door. “Come with.”

John found his mouth open and had to shut it. “Virgil-“

“Nope.” His brother waved an arm towards the door. “C’mon.”

Instinctively, John knew that if he didn’t move, Virgil would start on more drastic transport options. After all, John had seen his heavy lifting brother throw Scott over his shoulder in exasperation.

Virgil always got his way eventually.

John let his shoulders drop and walked through the door.

This time he felt like stomping instead of slamming, but the same emotion was behind both.

“Virgil, I’m fine.”

His brother nudged him forward as he shut the door behind them. “Good. Keep it that way.”

“But-“

A strong arm wrapped around his shoulders. “John, you need this.”

“I-“

But his brother herded him through the airlock into the central hub of Thunderbird Five.

The sphere was full of brothers.

And pizza boxes.

Scott was sitting cross-legged like some kind of suspended Buddha, poking at his phone. Gordon was upside down chattering non-stop to Alan who was the right way up - there was no ‘up’ in space, but there definitely was an ‘up’ on Thunderbird Five, despite the lack of gravity in her central hub - and conversing with an ease that spoke of extensive space experience.

An irrational sense of pride of his littlest brother swelled John’s heart.

All at once the three brothers realised John was in the room.

“Johnny! Welcome to the party!”

Alan flipped midair in an obvious over-the-top move to land right next to John. “Hey, John, way until you see what we’ve done.”

John frowned. “What have you done?” They better not have messed with his ‘bird.

But Scott had unfolded and was narrowing in on John with a frown. He didn’t say anything, just glanced a question at Virgil who gave him a nod.

His two eldest brothers were irritating when they did that, especially when the non-verbal conversation was obviously about him.

Scott reached out and gently clasped John’s arm. “Good job out there today.”

Yesterday, technically. “What are you all doing up here?”

“Pizza party!” Gordon’s eyes were glowing with glee.

“At 2.30 in the morning?”

Scott shrugged. “Sometimes pizza is just needed.” And there was something in his big brother’s eyes.

Goddamnit, he was fine.

But then Scott gently pulled him into a hug. It wasn’t tight, just a wrap of his arms around John, his head resting, just touching John’s shoulder.

The room was oddly silent.

And John found himself leaning into the hug. His brother’s caring touch etching into his skin, drawing him in deeper, feeding a need he hadn’t realised he had.

His head fell quietly onto Scott’s shoulder. The moment it touched, his brother’s grip tightened just a fraction before loosening again…so, so gentle.

Oh god.

But then Scott was equally as gently pulling away, blue eyes eyeing him as if unsure how he would react. Perhaps gauging his next move.

A big hand landed on his back and its partner wrapped around Scott’s shoulder. “I don’t know about you, but I’m hungry.” Virgil nudged himself between them, aiming for the huge pile of floating boxes.

The moment snapped and the world started moving again. Gordon and Alan joined Virgil with the boxes, happily discussing toppings…which ultimately led to the ongoing war between yes-pineapple and no-pineapple on pizza.

Gordon was never going to win that one, outvoted four to one, but he was a determined fish and kept up the battle at every chance.

It was a familiar sound of home.

Blue eyes were still staring at him. Saying so much unsaid.

“Hey, Johnny, me and Virg set up something cool for you.” Alan was bouncing as much as he could in a zero-g environment.

It forced John to look away from Scott. “What have you done?”

“Virgil said he wanted to set you free, but keep you safe, so we did this.” Alan poked at his wrist control.

And the hub walls disappeared.

What?

All his brothers, the stack of pizza, the random slice of pepperoni that chose that moment to drift through his eyeline - all of it, and them, was floating above the night side of Earth with nothing around them.

Thunderbird Five was gone.

His breath caught in his throat. “How?”

Virgil was smiling as he gazed at the view, pizza slice in hand. “A few more sensors on her hull, improved communication with the holoprojectors, and a little bit of programming by Alan, and you have your own space-themed holodeck.”

He stared at the lights of Auckland and Sydney. “You built me a holodeck?”

“Isn’t it cool?!” Alan was definitely bouncing.

John nodded. “Yeah, it’s cool.”

“This is the default view. It draws directly from Five’s exterior sensors. What you see here is what you’d see if we were outside. But I did add a few of my favourites for you and tweaked the input from your telescopes.”

Alan poked at his wrist control and Earth vanished.

It was replaced with a view of the Andromeda Galaxy. They were staring down at a sea of swirling stars surrounded by the deepest darkness.

“It’s not interactive, though. The processing power required for this resolution is huge and Five does have a much larger program it needs to keep safe.” He looked up for a moment, but when there was no response, Alan warily turned his attention back to John. “If you want to add more views, we’ll need to up Five’s storage. We should probably do that anyway. Never hurts to have more storage.”

“Says the video game addict.” Gordon snorted.

“Hey, your holos of fish take up more room than my games.”

“Are you kidding? Zombie death 16 pushed me onto external storage.”

“That was an accident.”

“How?”

“I may have put it on the house servers twice.”

“What? Did you delete it?”

“Of course I did.”

“Guys?” Virgil’s voice was ever so tolerant.

Gordon and Alan glanced at John. “Sorry.” It was a chorus of the both of them.

No, this was fine. It really was.

Andromeda glowed beneath them.

His family was…being his family.

And there was pizza.

He let himself float and closed his eyes.

The smell of toasted cheese and tomato sauce, peppers, that unique pizza smell.

His brothers talking quietly - Gordon and Alan still at it, but desperately trying to be quiet about it. John would look at digital storage options both for Tracy Island and Thunderbird Five tomorrow.

At the moment…

A soft touch to his shoulder and Virgil was offering him a slice of cheeseburger pizza, his favourite.

Scott had gone back to being aTracy Industries Buddha…until Virgil coasted past, snatched his phone out of his hand, and smoothly replaced it with a slice of pepperoni and cheese.

Scott’s protest was muffled by Virgil’s glare.

John bit into his pizza slice surrounded by his family and an amazing projection of his second favourite galaxy.

Yes, he liked to be alone.

But he also loved his family.

And they loved him enough to follow him.

-o-o-o-

[seecarrun]

A coffee shop opens up a block away from the gym, and Misty decides it is the most exciting thing to happen to her since she stopped traveling.

She doesn’t visit every day, but visits enough that they know her Usual and slip her a free muffin or coffee cake at least once a week, so it doesn’t take long for her to claim the location as Hers™.

She’s there one lazy, rainy Sunday afternoon, sipping on a vanilla chai latte and completing some paperwork, when he walks in. She almost misses him, so deep in the music playing in her ear buds and the file folder of her battle reports, that she only looks up at the bright flash of yellow fur and a red cap popping out of his coat when he flips back the hood of his jacket.

“Ash?!” she cries.

Ash starts and spins to face her in surprise, Pikachu immediately leaping out of his coat with a “Pikachupi!” and jumps onto her arms.

“Hey, Misty!” he laughs, grinning. “I didn’t expect to see ya here! I was just on my way over to the gym, actually. Just wanted to grab a hot chocolate or something to help warm me up first.” He gives the cafe a quick glance. “This place is nice. Is it new?”

She knows her mouth is hanging open as he stands there all casually without a care in the world, but she manages to snap it shut. “Ash, what are you doing here?” she demands. “You’re not supposed to be back in Kanto for months!”

He blinks at her in surprise and chuckles. “I’m here for your birthday, duh,” he explains, raising an eyebrow as if to check if she forgot that important little piece of information. “It’s on Tuesday, right? I told you I’d celebrate with you this year.”

He had said that, she remembers, when he hadn’t been able to call her until three days after the day the year before.

She thought he just meant a phone call.

“You don’t already have plans or anything, do you?” he asks, his eyes wide and nervous, like she wouldn’t cancel on freaking royalty if her time could be spent with Ash Ketchum instead, and she smiles at him softly.

“Nope, just a boring dinner with my sisters and Tracy.”

He grins. She feels her cheeks flush. “Think they’d mind if I crash the party?”

Misty scratches Pikachu’s ears, finding it hard to look at Ash without grinning love a lovesick loon. “I bet they’ll squeeze in a chair for the World Champion.” She smirks. “And if not, you can just sit on Tracy’s lap.” He makes a face and she bursts into laughter.

“I dunno…” he drawls after a moment, “shouldn’t Daisy be the one sitting on Tracy’s lap?” She’s the one to make a face this time, and Ash laughs uproariously, attracting the attention of a few of the other customers. “So they’re still together, huh?” he asks, a goofy little smile on his face.

“Yes,” she answers tersely, letting Pikachu jump onto her shoulder so she can bus her table and take her coffee to go. “And I try not to think about it, thank you very much.”

“Aw,” Ash says, clearly amused more than anything. “I think they’re sweet. Oh, hey, do you mind if I get a hot chocolate real quick?” He gestures to the counter.

She waves him over, giving him the okay, and stands off to the side while he puts in his order. It doesn’t take long for one of the employees Misty knows well to poke her head over a stack of cups and grin wolfishly.

“He’s cute,” she says.

“Can it,” Misty snaps back, but can’t stop the smirk that sneaks its way onto her lips.

His drink is ready, so they grab the cup and walk out the door, both so engrossed in catching up, neither notices the message written on Ash’s cup in thick, black marker:

‘ASK HER OUT! 🖤’

[aziraphales-library]

hello there! thank you so much for all the work you're doing, it's amazing:)

i was wondering (since i tried to search ao3 myself and found nothing), if you know about any pretty woman AUs? thank you so much and have a great day!

I do! Not a complete one unfortunately:

Pretty Boy by SerenityStargazer [E], WIP

Aziraphale Fell, real estate tycoon, finds himself in need of a companion during a business week in London. He meets Crowley in Soho and finds he enjoys the younger sex worker's company. They spend the week together and both are surprised to find themselves falling in love.

"Hey, handsome," Crowley purred, "want a date?"

"Right now," the blond man replied in a very proper, educated accent, "what I need are directions to the Ritz. Got myself turned around, I'm afraid."

"Five pounds for directions, luv," Crowley said calmly.

"Five pounds? That's ridiculous!" the man sputtered indignantly.

"Ten pounds. The price just went up."

"You can't charge me for directions!"

Crowley grinned. "I can do whatever I want, angel. I'm not lost." He stood up and turned his back, letting his arse lean against the window frame.

"Oh, very well," the man said, pulling out his wallet. Crowley opened the door and climbed in.

"For a twenty, I'll take you there personally," he offered.

Aziraphale handed the twenty over silently then tried to find first gear.

Other fics with similar premise:

The (Half) Boyfriend Experience by ZehWulf [M]

The image on the monitor remained static for another minute or so, but then the door to the connected room opened, and the pale, curly-headed figure of Crowley's client—a man who went by Fell at the club—stepped through. As always, he stopped just after closing the door behind him to collect himself, gaze trained on where Crowley's lower half was splayed wide on lewd display. There was a whole ritual of straightening cuffs and waist coat and shifting his weight that he would go through before approaching.

Crowley felt their lingering scowl soften as they watched with vague fondness as he worked himself through the motions. At first, they'd wondered if the whole process was some sort of pre-sex psych-up, or a fussy-looking-middle-aged man version of reflexive peacocking. But, Fell had been requesting them for long enough by now that they'd been able to observe the way things evolved over time: the gestures loosening up, the amount of time spent shortening.

The poor bastard was just anxious.

OR

Crowley works part time as a sex worker at a club, and one of their favorite, most baffling clients comes in looking like he's had just as bad a day as they have.

Dreaming of You by TawnyOwl95 [E]

AJ Crowley likes helping people discover and heal the neglected parts of themselves. Even if that's only for their scheduled session. He likes being a sex worker, although he's started to dream of some genuine intimacy.

Aziraphale Fell knows he isn't deserving of romance. As much as he might like the idea, a lifetime of neglect has left him insecure and afraid to reach for what he wants. He still dreams that one day he might be brave enough to take a chance.

Hired Heart (illustrated by many artists) by GayDemonicDisaster (scrapheapchallenge) [E]

As a result of his sheltered upbringing, Aziraphale made it to 50 without exploring his sexuality or coming out. After 50, all that changed - he's gay, he's out, and wants to find love. He also wants to have sex. He's a tad nervous about that. His friend Agnes suggests he consult a professional and get some no-strings practice and advice, and build some confidence. And her friend Tracy runs an agency…

Crowley has quite the breadth of sexual experience: he’s a high class escort. He’s been in his line of work for a long time, though in this industry, that’s not exactly an advantage. He likes his work, but the more he’s reminded that he’s not as young as he once was, the more he contemplates his exit strategy. When his bookings manager and friend Tracy gives him a new, nervous client, Crowley finds him unexpectedly captivating. In fact, Crowley can’t seem to get him out of his head.

A Smitten Crowley is also a very silly Crowley, so prepare for giggles and fluff along with your love story and smut...

Seirbheis by Kalimyre [E]

Human AU - Crowley is a sex worker, hired by the wealthy and eccentric Ezra Fell for a long weekend. He goes in expecting it to be just another job. But Ezra is not like other clients, and Crowley is soon in over his head.

In which our beloved ineffable husbands have clear, honest communication, a whirlwind romance, and tremendous amounts of soft, tender, kinky sex.

~Mod N

[rileychester]

Ok since Ryan is back I have a long list of things I want to see for Robert to explore when he's back.

Robron back together, that's a given.

Dometic Robron are living together and making each other happy.

Robron is getting legally married again and being a unit.

Robron is being friendly and having a laugh.

Robert and Aaron are a normal couple who share kisses, inside jokes, and cuddling. I want to hear a lot of I love yous. I love Robron and Danny and Ryan, but there were moments where those two would come across more as buddies than an actual couple.

Robert and Aaron are a healthy and happy couple, a power couple. Where Robert and Aaron tell each other everything and there is open and honest communication. With no major secrets and lies between them.

Robert is getting Seb back and they are being a proper family. I could see Aaron, Robert, and Seb being a sweet and happy trio.

Robert is getting Seb back and getting to know each other after missing six years of Seb's life.

Robert, being used to rebuild the Sugdens, like John, should have been used.

Robert is visiting Liv's grave and talking to Aaron about Liv and losing her. It felt like finding out the news she was gone all by himself.

Robert is interacting and being friends with Mack. Those two are similar and would be a lot of fun together.

Robert, Aaron, and Mack trio scenes, those three would be brilliant and hilarious together.

Robert is a proper uncle to Sarah and supports her with her cancer story. Maybe even helping to find Andy, so she can be reunited with her dad.

Sibling moments between Robert and Vic, and Robert getting to meet Harry and be a proper uncle to him.

Robert is interacting with John, not just about Aaron, but about Jack.

Robert and John are fighting over Aaron.

Perhaps a Robron short affair, cause we all know the second that Robert comes back, Aaron is gonna be like, "John who?"

Robert is getting to enjoy being free, and we actually get to see him interacting with the villagers and being a part of the village.

Aaron and Robert are talking about what happened to Rebecca, and Robert is concerned about Seb.

Robert being friends again with Vanessa, I always liked their friendship.

Robert is getting custody of Seb back, and that is causing a story and conflict with Ross. Who was not only Rebecca's partner for a long time, but was also Seb's stepdad. He had spent more time with Seb than with Robert as a father. Kinda like when Marlon and Ross were at odds over Ross being involved in April's life.

Robert is learning about the new situation between Paddy and Chas with their new partners. Also, Robert meets Eve, whom I don't think he has met. Robert is interacting with Aaron's parents and Aaron's little sister.

Robert's prison time. Robert is clever and a survivor. I have no doubt that he is someone important inside. I also have no doubt that we will see some friends from prison later in the village. Both friend and foe alike.

Robert is dealing with the ghost of Jack.

Robert is telling Vic the truth about Jack and that Jack knew that Robert liked boys. Also, how Jack didn't take the news well.

Vic finds out the truth about Katie, which Andy knew. Also, that Andy and Ross were behind Robert being shot. That Andy and Robert had made peace on the subject and did love each other as brothers in the end.

Robert is interacting with Caleb and Ruby.

Robert is helping Tracy with the fallout of what John did to Nate. I don't think Robert would feel guilty for what John did. But feel bad for Tracy, especially if Vanessa and Robert become friends again, since Tracy is Vanessa's little sister and Nate was Aaron's cousin.

Robert is interacting with Cain again. I could see them banding together to make John pay.

Aaron and Robert are finally having that surrogate storyline. Matty and Amy almost had a suggogate storyline, and so did Aaron and Robert back in the day. I want to see what that story would be.

Robert finds out about the Anthony situation and Aaron's part in it.

We learn more about Robert as a character, and he's not just a prop for any Dingle storylines.

NO MORE BISEXUAL CLICHE AND STEREOTYPES WHEN IT COMES TO ROBERT.

Robert has lots of snarky and sassy moments again. Basically, more of "How much weed, could a woodchip chip if a woodchip could chip weed?" comments from him.

Robert, being the same clever and ambitious businessman he was before and butting heads in business with Caleb, Joe, and Kim.

To be honest, I'm not that interested in Robert having much to do with the Home Farm crowd. I never liked him being part of that place when the Whites were there, and Seb is the only good thing to come from that place.

I hope we see Robert in prison and see what he gets up to there. Cause I'm sure half of Robert has been a model prisoner and has been behaving himself, so he gets out early. But also, it's Robert, and he always has several plans on the go, so I'm sure Robert is planning something in prison to get out early. Like helping to gather evidence or finding something to blackmail someone to get out early. Like finding out the warden is crooked or having an inappropriate relationship. But he's been gone for six years, when I think they planned for fourteen years. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if he's also being let go because of overcrowded. And it's not like he killed the man in cold blood, plus the circumstances of what happened to Vic. I could see the courts giving leniency.

Robert is stirring the pot in the village and bouncing off people with his signature style and wit.

Robert's secrets, I'm giving ED a chance to redeem themselves, and I'm sure Robert has raked up a boatload of secrets while being away.

Robert's commentary on all the crazy stuff that the show had been peddling. Because you just know he's gonna have a lot to say about what has been going on.

Mainly, I just want lots of Robert onscreen cause I have missed him so much. And his return means I'm back to watching ED full-time again.

[call-me-casual]

Chasing Ghosts - chapter 1

First chapter of the story of this post. I might make it longer someday idk.

Flashes of light and shadow swept across his vision as the boy turned his pedals rhythmically, pushing the bike on down the compact dirt track. The day was hot and dry, unusually so for the time of year. Winter had been spent with promises of up to 24 inches of snow and eagerly discussed days off from the monotony of school, only to deliver an average of about 10, which had come and gone quickly. He’d always found snow beautiful, the way it fell, how it began a blanket of pinks and blues at dawn and dusk. But it didn’t offer much fun anymore.

The track began to level out from its incline, and ahead lay an easy, and fast, ride to home. Even now there was an undeniable thrill that came with the building of speed, the wind rushing through his hair and the rare swerve over to years old dirt ramps and trails through the trees. It felt like their own personal rollercoaster.

He used to love racing down here…

“Wait up!”

There came the frustrated, huffed squawk of his little brother as Gordon slowed to a stop beside him. Virgil immediately felt a small lurch in his heart and ran his gaze across the family aquatic. Satisfied he wasn’t hurt and was in fact there, he whipped his head around, checking every shadow and corner. Nothing.

Too close, he frowned, he should be paying attention.

“Sorry,” he mumbled, “just lost in thought.”

“Well try not to be, because if I pull something trying to keep up I won’t be in top shape for the competition!” Gordon swatted at his brother’s shoulder, but slowly his eyes softened.

“John and Allie are fine, Virg.”

“They’ve been home alone-“

“They’re fine.” The blond frowned, narrowing his eyes in a rather poor attempt at mimicking their old man or maybe Virgil himself. Or him.

With Alan’s school closed for the day, the responsibility of keeping an eye on him had fallen to John, who himself had been spared going in thanks to a nasty migraine. But the baby of the family was always good for their space-case, so maybe John had been offered some peace after all. Virgil still didn’t like it.

“We should still get home quickly though.” He said, eyeing a particularly dark patch of thicket. Even Gordon, in his infinite optimism, didn’t hide his slight shiver.

“Yeah… race you?”

-

Momentum carried them most of the way, and as dirt turned to gravel, the Tracy Family farm house came into view. They were almost there. They would find Alan and Johnny, lock down the house and get on with their evening-

A car was in the driveway.

For a moment years of dread felt as if it reached its boiling point, that this was it, but as he read the registration Virgil slumped, the tension draining from his body. As the pair crossed over into the threshold of its comforting aura, they hopped from the bikes, shoes crunching on the gravel as they were carefully stored in the garage. There would be no need for knocking codes today, Virgil thought as they walked back to the front door. His hand curled around the handle, and he kept an eye out as Gordon slipped inside first. Virgil made sure to lock the door behind the both of them. Just in case.

“Good day at school, boys?”

“It was okay.” Virgil shrugged, but Gordon pouted,

“Swim meet’s been cancelled, something about Coach’s daughter being sick.”

The man at the counter hummed,

“Well you can’t blame her, son, I’m sure she didn’t mean it.”

“Still!” Gordon retorted, kicking off his shoes, “The competition is in four weeks! If I win I could go to the nationals!”

“Then we‘ll just have to make sure you get the extra practice in! The community pool opens… oh what day-“

“Thursday, dad.” John answered from the top of the stairs. He squinted harshly, barely noticing as little Alan rushed past him and into waiting arms.

“Right, Thursday. Thank you, John.”

Virgil may have only had a few years on Alan, but he still swung the kid around before he dared address the elephant in the room.

“I thought you were staying late tonight.”

Jeff Tracy paused, his hand half way to the pasta container.

“The logistics department managed to crack the issue so there was no reason for me to stay. And I wanted to check on John’s headache.”

His words made sense. Of course they did, he was a single father trying to balance work and home life. John had kept an eye on it, Tracy Industries had really, really taken off in the last few years. And that meant more on Jeff’s plate. More late nights. More good night ‘I love you’s over text. More reminders for the boys’ events.

But the real answer was clear as day in his pause, his silence. The unoccupied chair and stickers missing from the calendar.

“Why don’t you boys let Alan show you what he’s been up to today?”

Nice deflection, dad.