#fostercareflow

[joyfuldeepend]

Consideration

R and I were out to dinner last week. She had never had Red Lobster and somehow convinced me to take her (doesn’t take much bc she’s usually pretty sweet when it’s just the two of us). Red lobster in general isn’t much to write home about and typically when you go there you know that. Well R had never been to Red lobster and saw something on tik tok so there we were.

The dining experience left a lot to be desired but you don’t go to a chain like that (or shouldn’t) expecting to be blown away. So that was a learning experience for R who loves hibachi buffet and seafood boils. So we worked through expectations and comparing what we want versus what we get.

There was what appeared to be a double date happening one row over (2 Caucasian teenage couples, assuming seniors). Normally I am aware of those around but not typically dialed into the situation. The boys in the situation were determined to ensure everyone knew theirs. They made loud comments about how they should have gone to outback or Texas Roadhouse. The were verbally frustrated at the service and the way their food came after grilling the server about the menu and how the things were made or tasted.

When their food came they made the server stand there while they both saw if their steak was medium. Then continued the grumbling and disgust while the girls giggled. It was annoying and close to closing time so not many ppl to drown out their outbursts. R & I continued our eating and convos despite their interruptions. At one point I made R laugh and she started choking and laughing…and if you’ve met R she’s either quiet and moody or loud and silly. This was a loud and silly night. As a general rule I try not to censor her if it’s not inappropriate behavior. Side note: she has adhd and has a ton of intrusive thoughts and doesn’t get to verbalize a ton. When she’s with me not a lot embarrasses me so I let her get it all out so she does her “good behavior” aka be quiet and not seen stuff when with others. Well she was laughing loud (as many do) and then making choking sounds (don’t worry she was ok) and one of the boys started mocking her. Just as I was starting to speak up, R stopped laughing and told them to basically shut up or she’d beat them up 😂😂 I squashed that quickly and R and I talked about how it wasn’t worth it and how they had to live the consequences of their poor behavior. She thought for a moment and said “you’re right Joy…see that’s why I don’t like white people (not you Joy) but people like that.”…. It was tough not to agree with that sentiment as I watched those teenagers be entitled, rude and have zero consideration for the servers, the fellow diners or even how they were acting. I ended up saying something to my server and ensuring that table’s servers tip was covered.

While I’ve always known that I like when things are in harmony and people get along, what I can’t get behind is not saying something bc it makes things uncomfortable. I learned lately that when myself or others are not considered it makes my blood boil. Doesn’t matter the why, it matters the intent. Just bc someone is having a bad day doesn’t mean they get to take it out on someone. If someone can’t afford something, being mean to people to give a reason for why their bill should be comped isn’t right (in my opinion). I remember some years ago a friend at the time told me that hurt ppl hurt ppl as an explanation for their behavior towards me. I countered that that phrase is an explanation for those who’ve been hurt by that not an excuse to act in poor behavior due to hurt.

R and I drove home in silence and even 24 hours and it still stuck with me. My dad drilled into us about how to treat wait staff and delivery people. And also that creating safe space for others to belong was foundational as Jesus followers. When I experience people without regard for that it does something in me. I’ve asked myself if I should have been more vocal, there are about 10 tongue lashing stories I have in my head for the scenario. Or did I respond the right way. What is the point that takes us from bystander to advocate or to action. I don’t know what the point is, but I walked away disappointed in those teens and also how they represented themselves and my culture to others. We are all representing more than ourselves in every situation and sometimes it is hard to keep that in mind. What I do know is it doesn’t take much to be kind and have consideration for others. Thanks for joining me in the deep end today. May you give and receive consideration this season!

[joyfuldeepend]

Thank You Next

I was reminded recently why God doesn’t give me more than a step at a time notice. The moment he does I have zero patience and want to take the step even if it’s months away. I always think I’m going to do better and it will help me prepare. Guess who’s wrong lol!

After another set of 3 months of foster teen support ending in more destruction, spending the morning of my birthday navigating a fight, the police and an arrest (not mine)…I knew it was time to take a beat and evaluate my status. I took the month of August to pray and check in with God, my passion and my path.

During that time of introspection and prayer some potential opportunities came to light. Despite the life altering things they would bring, I felt excitement and peace around the change. It confirmed what I had been leaning towards and I made the decision to not renew my foster care certification. There were a lot of tears, fears and why God within that time, yet I can’t deny doing what I know is right…although my heart has not found it easy. I don’t know what the future holds for me in foster care, as God and I wrestle with my desire and His will and protection.

While the next move is not set in stone (though what is 🤪), I know it will happen when my lease is up in April 2024. As I count down to the time the Lord has been really clear about me creating space and not filling it with new things or productivity. I’m a doer and a fixer and so I’m both anxious about the in between time and resolute in my response. I’ve been doing a lot of coloring, crying, listening to podcasts, purging and letting go of what I thought I knew over the last couple months.

I was encouraged, by some very wise women, when I turned 40 to fight like hell for the person you are! I continue to battle feelings of selfishness and guilt as I think of what I feel I have left undone. I told the teens who have filled a large part of my heart for the last two years. I knew it was necessary to give them time to come to grips with it and shift into what will be our new style of relationship. I thought fight like hell would look a little different but here we are learning that it can all feel like hell and it can all be worth it too!

I’m thankful for what has been and the almost 3 years of this chapter of my journey…and I’m facing forward to the next. My heart is a little squishy and hella vulnerable…and hanging on like hell to what I know to be true! Thanks for diving into the deep end with me once again!

[joyfuldeepend]

Invited In

Recently I had a friend spend some extended time with me and the girls I support. It was a big deal to me. We have a few people who choose to engage or spend time with us. Also I am protective of who they experience. Honestly I never know what I’m going to get each day and while it’s my normal now, I perceive that could be a lot for those not in it regularly. When I recount things that happen sometimes I get unsolicited advice on how people would handle their behavior if it was them. Often people get a little terrified for me and other people are scared for me, which makes sense if it’s not the norm for them.

One thing that I’ve made a personal commitment about, is not to apologize for them. They’re working their stuff out and sometimes I’m confident when we’re in public people might think they have “special needs” or are shocked or think they should be more docile. That being said, choosing to be a safe place for them, for me, means in all settings. That doesn’t mean accepting all behaviors, however it does mean that every situation and behavior doesn’t get addressed right away. If that was the case I’d live in just corrective mode…and that’s not helpful for any one, especially me. There have been many times in stores that one or both are giving into their intrusive thoughts and I pick which battle I will fight based on factors impacted at the moment.

The girls have been in survival mode and lived with conditional love, undependable adults, manipulative families, toxic parenting and the list goes on. It takes awhile to work through those things to get back to zero and start there.

My goal is to get them to be able to graduate high school and hold down a job. Along the way if they learn some character and consideration of others that’s my bonus points. It has taken me a year…A YEAR to get R to be respectful to me (70% of the time), minimal lying, not flipping me off constantly, saying thank you, consider others (well at least me for now), want to spend time with me and say I love you and not be manipulative. She texted me recently and asked if I’d go with her to the doctors to get a shot bc she’s scared. This is HUGE!! Her caseworker said she was proud of her and saw her maturity this week, I could have cried right there. Besides me no one, that I know of, has told her that in years.

K has started recovering from her spirals in less than 2 hours versus the days to week it would take before. She calls me mid spiral and freaking and let’s me deescalate, she wouldn’t do that 3 months ago. I’m praising God for that movement. (UPDATE: things went downhill after I wrote this. After two weeks of up and down she was removed from my home after another police encounter and physical damage occurrence. It was a rough choice, however I’m confident the best one give the circumstances).

I recognize, just like with any kids, people see the current phase, and I…I see the journey and the growth. When interacting with the girls it could be chaotic and they could also be sweet, considerate and naive/youthful. They will always want to listen to music, eat junk food and watch movies and take long drives. As much as it “costs” I still remember that I prayed for this and I’m grateful for the ways people engage or find ways to support me/us as their boundaries allow. So grateful for all of those ways and the continual prayers as I know I do not journey alone, even when it feels like it!!

I say all of these things to say thank you. Thank you to the people who continue to find ways to support or engage with my journey. As a quality time person all of that means the world to me. It looks different for each person and I’m learning to grown in my appreciation of the varying expressions. Thanks friends for diving into the joyful deepend. This is our reminder to keep inviting people in!

[joyfuldeepend]

From Crisis to Crisis

It’s always a learning experience with supporting teenagers that don’t have proper emotional regulation or haven’t had a dependable support system before. Recently we had a weekend of things feeling explosive and then just boiling below the surface. We ended the weekend with a physical fight (me breaking it up), lots of yelling, tears, shaking with uncontrollable anger and me having to call on others to determine next steps and considering a psych consult. These kinds of experiences used to happen periodically, lately they are occurring with more regularity and I’m having to navigate how to best support them, do accountability and not overly focus on the challenges.

After things settle down with the teen, i take a minute to fall apart. Usually it involves me sobbing, praying, driving, eating or journaling. When the last one occurred I reached out to a few different friends to help process and not feel alone. No one was available and so I went for a walk in the rain by the harbor, sobbed and prayed aka pleaded with God to help me and give me wisdom. The Lord let me cry and listened, not that I give him much choice, and once I settled down a bit he asked me a question… “why do you pursue your work, your employees and your relationships more than you pursue me?” I may have had some choice words to say…that’s how God and I do (straight no chaser and honest). He is right, I don’t. He wasn’t the first person I wanted to go to for help, I wanted a human in front of me to tell me what to do and that it would be ok. I wanted someone to hold me and tell me it wasn’t my fault and I didn’t F it up. I wanted to hear someone affirm me. I didn’t think or want the one who created both of us and knows us better than we know ourselves to speak or intervene. More than that, I didn’t really think to ask (that’s a bigger topic lol). It was fitting bc we’d been talking about prayer at church lately and how it changes you. Mostly it’s about the change in our perspective and posture in the midst of a situation that may not change. Hence peace that is difficult to comprehend in the midst of the “storms”.

Once Jesus and I got it sorted out, I headed back to my car. At that moment a good friend called me. They also have teens and I asked for some advice. It was such an encouraging conversation and a good reminder to me…God first and then people. My heart was ready then for what I needed to hear and not just what I wanted in the moment. While I’m growing more comfortable in the knowledge that crisis will come…I also am sure that I will not be swayed bc my God is my firm foundation. The song firm foundation has been an anchor point for me lately and I’m grateful for the gift of music that calms my spirit in the midst of the storms.

Keep standing strong and diving deep my friends!

[joyfuldeepend]

Recently I had the sex/birth control/choice talk with my foster daughter. It’s not often you go from zero to adult conversations in the space of a couple months into parenting. However when your first placement is a teenager it’s off to the races.

The idea of a sex talk is a bit of a touchy one for me given my ultra conservative foundational upbringing. Plus I’ve always felt sensitive around it because I somehow was left out in the conversations from my parents…they thought they had, but didn’t. Unfortunately it served to affirm the tape I used to have that I didn’t matter and that I was forgettable. I have come to recognize that those items in my life are of deeper meaning to me than others who observe them. To my horror one year (one of the only years I was dating someone at Christmas) one of my sisters gave me an anatomy book to “fill in the blanks”. I got to tell my then boyfriend why everyone thought it was so funny and be reminded of how different my journey was in comparison. In all fairness I’ve never confessed that to my sibling because I didn’t want to admit just how impactful, something that felt like an awkward right of passage, meant to me. I’m confident it wasn’t about the conversation…it was the lack of making sure I had what I needed. Instead I learned through movies and having to ask my girlfriends (at a much later stage in life) what things were and how they worked.

I’m confident the conversation I had was very different than the one I would have encountered. My foster daughter comes from a very different background and it’s very important to me that I meet her where she is and equip her with the journey she is walking. Creating safe places for conversation, screwing up and asking questions is monumentally important to me. I don’t have it all figured out and I could puke at the idea of what the next step of this conversation will bring. However what it won’t bring from me is shame and hiding. It will bring lots of information for informed choices and guidance to a future built on those choices. As I told her today, ever choice has a consequence…some good and some “bad”…so if we want to make grown up choices we accept the consequences that come with them. If we’re ready to make those choices then we have to show it and be armed with what we need to be successful in those choices. I feel semi successful because apparently she recounted the conversation with the guy she’s talking to. Told him while she wasn’t ready now when she is she plans to have a conversation with me first to be sure she is prepared for what will come.

So here we are…I kind of had hoped driving would come first. But I’m also grateful I’ve wrestled with these things and am finding my way in time to give her real life examples of the good, the bad and the trauma that comes from these choices. Y’all pray for me!! Thank you for diving in the deep end with me friends!!

[joyfuldeepend]

Pushing Through

Some days I find it so interesting just how close my feelings as a teenager are applicable to the teenager in my home. It makes me wonder if it is a universal experience or just God knowing what he’s doing in who He placed with me.

The signs my teen is going through something are her room is a disaster area and she avoids me. She gets moodier and moodier the more distance, emotional or otherwise, there is between us. I’ve spent my life with the desire to be pursued, they say the thing you desired as a kid is the thing you look for or do as an adult. I’ve said to friends and to my kids, it’s a blessing and a curse that I don’t give up and will pursue even when you push me away. So you’re welcome and I’m sorry.

When behavior and disobedience pushes me away from my teen…it’s time to lean in and push through. One Saturday night she didn’t come home without permission. That Sunday she missed curfew and showed up minutes before midnight. She didn’t go to school on Monday, despite being up and able bodied to go. I came home about 8:30pm that day and she was asleep, so I did the annoying parent thing and woke her up. Pressed about why she didn’t honor her commitments. She did all the teen things that made me want to walk out. But Jesus gave me to her. So I invaded her space, got close and hugged her and said nothing.

It didn’t take more than a minute till she started crying and self loathing. I just listened, affirmed her feelings and then gave her the facts. The facts about being a teenager and how it’s the worst. That fact that I don’t need anything from her, so I’m the easiest person to let down rather than her friends/sister. The fact that her disobedience doesn’t disappoint me for me, rather for what I know it does to her mind/emotions. The fact that everyone needs help. The facts that she can have a future and hope. The fact that she can’t get rid of me easily, even when I think maybe I’m not the best support for her and should throw in the towel. The fact that her room gets messy when she’s depressed, just like mine is currently. 🤦🏻‍♀️😊

I don’t know if I’m doing the parental thing right. If I’m being too much of a “white” parent vs a “black” parent, as they call it. I often wonder if it’s just manipulation or if I know what I’m doing, however she ended up cleaning her room and talking to me…for now that’s enough for me. For now I will continue to push against what feels comfortable. To hug her when she’s prickly. To buy her Chipotle when she has bad grades. To not withhold good things or limit things to positive behavior and things that make my life easier.

When I was a kid and into my teenage years I just wanted someone to come after me. When I was mad I wanted someone to talk to me and break through the barrier. When I was in a bad mood, I wished someone would try to understand me and help me understand myself. So while I still yearn for those things, I will create what I crave and watch it transform their perspective and if I’m lucky maybe impact their trajectory. It’s not easy, nothing worth having ever is, however this is the joyful deepend. Thanks for being along for the swim friends!

[joyfuldeepend]

I Want More For You!

Something I’ve come to understand more, as I fill a parental role. The desire to want something more for someone than they want for themselves. Hope even when evidence fails to show that it is warranted. The idea of forgiving 70 times 70 and new mercies every day. These concepts that I’ve been taught God exhibits felt so foreign and a farce until there is a kid in the picture.

I grew up with a desire to be the good girl. To do what was good and to not need help or grace, because there was none for me to offer to myself. It was always a pass/fail in my mind and I was always failing on my own and hated myself for it. However the older I‘be gotten the more I recognize the need to fail and to still be safe and received in safety.

I told K the other day that every time she tells me something I have hope that it will be true that time. Her actions have often shown me it is unlikely the truth, however the parent in me holds out hope it will be true THIS TIME! I’ve preached the definition of insanity and how it we cannot do the same thing expecting a difference result. However apparently that is what parenting sometimes looks like. Constantly believing that another chance will be the right amount of times for a new behavior to begin. That the motivation will be there this time.

Real talk, the human side of me wants to throw away Easter baskets and withhold gifts/kindness when disappointment and trust is broken time and time again. The Jesus within me asks me to forgive one more time and offer kindness and safety to return from failure again. I find myself saying words I hear God whisper to me often. You’re going to be ok…it’s not too much for me to handle…I love you even though…I love you more than you could ever know…the list goes on and on. I’m mesmerized by this experience and also wonder just how God does it, cause some days I am straight up exhausted…and yet I’m starting to believe Him and take him at his word. Cause for the first time in my life I’m starting to get it…and want to accept his grace.

This is Love, this is Foster care, this is the joyful deep end friends!

[joyfuldeepend]

Sometimes I am The Bad Guy

K stood before me sobbing. Late at night I’d stopped waiting for her and shown up to where I knew she was hiding from me. She laid out her fears and anger at the last 5 months and at me and while my heart broke and it was also resolute. I found myself saying something to her, that in turn healed something within me. She told me how I let her down in her darkest time and how everything that was supposed to help her, hurt her more and she didn’t know how I could do that to her. I told her it was ok to be mad at me, I could handle being the bad guy for her as she works through her story.

In the moment I wanted to give her my context and help her understand my intention and the bigger truth. Yet I am confident in that moment she couldn’t hear those things, she only needed for it to be ok to be mad at me and to be scared. Me telling her my perspective in that moment would only cause her to shrink, for her healing I need all the feelings to be safe to be felt and spoken.

As I said those words to K, my younger self felt relieved as she needed those words too. This parenting journey lives in the AND. In some moments I am both the bad guy to her AND I am her rescuer (with Jesus’ help) AND the choice that led to it was the best choice for the bigger picture. Her piece was hurt AND yet bc I made that choice I am healthier and more equipped to help her now. AND we both learned some hard lessons apart for what we took for granted. It’s not the way I wish we learned it, however it is the path the story unfolded. And for now I can handle being the bad guy because I know what is true and sometimes what feels bad is really for our good.

For now I will give permission so it’s not bubbling up inside of her consuming her. I remember how that felt in my own story. Now it’s in the open and I can ask about it, call it out and also show her the AND. My goodness the last 5 months hurt like hell AND also my soul is well!

This is not the end or the beginning, this is another chapter of the story God is writing that we get to be in together. It’s scary af AND the journey that makes me feel the most alive and resolute.

This is love, this foster care and this is the joyful deep end friends!

[joyfuldeepend]

And now what….

Hi to all my deependers!! It’s been awhile since I’ve had the capacity to write anything. I’d love to say it’s because life has been busy and I’ve been thriving. However, just like my kitchen calendar, I’ve been stuck in October. When things ended abruptly with the girls it crushed something in me and I haven’t figured out how to untangle it.

Seasonal depression seemed to invite itself in and I’ve been fighting to keep my mind above water. Increasing meds, talking to doctors and trying to just keep…moving. Busy days are best because when it slows down the ability to even get off the couch seems insurmountable.

I keep looking at the dates and holding on for the day when sunlight will return. When the afternoon sun will warm my face and the desire to move and engage will return. When the grief of this season will feel like a distant memory.

My therapist reminds me to sit in and feel the grief and not push it away. I often would like to push her away 🤪😂…because I can’t breathe some days from the weight of all the things I feel. So I lean in and feel it and swim up towards where the sunlight crests the water and my peace awaits.

I’ve had contact with all the girls, who’ve been in my home this past year, within the past few weeks. I’m working towards trust and relationship with the sisters as I discern what our future could look like. My mama’s heart yearns for their laughter and shenanigans to fill my silent home and my adult sense waits for relational stability wisdom.

This isn’t the only thing in my reality (oh the work & dating stories you’d need popcorn for) and yet it often feels like my world. I told my therapist that there was something that was awakened in me, something that finally made sense in me as their foster mom. This awakened part of me doesn’t know what to do with itself in this season. It cries out and is left to wail without response. I resist the urge to tie a bow on my life and journey. For those who this feels dark and like too much, I often say I’m too responsible for suicide so don’t worry for that portion. Worry about how our system treats foster kids. Worry for the kids that won’t have someone tell them they’re loved this season. Worry for kids who’s parents breed trauma in their children. Worry for the next generation. For me I will survive, so let me be sad, let me talk without a direction as I wrestle with this. For people who need tangible things, send random texts, food and gift cards as you desire…but most of all ask me “and now what”…and just listen 💜

It’s deep here and it’s also the joyful deepend friends! For where great love was, deep loss is felt!

[joyfuldeepend]

Shattered Pieces

Shattered picture frames, shattered hope, shattered peace, shattered dreams & my shattered heart. My mantra these days is that loving deeply means grieving deeply and it keeps me from regretting the choice to love and give myself fully to my call and my dreams.

In a nutshell the last month-ish has been full of trauma, police reports and navigating difficult things for my home. The cliff note version is it started with breaking up a fight of about 15 people who tried to jump one of the girls outside my door. Then escalating to multiple weekends of running away, people trying to break down my door, sneaking boys in (oh the stories I could tell), violating safety house rules on multiple levels and then what I didn’t think would ever happen…the process of removal.

One thing about me is that I’m rarely afraid in any surrounding. For the first time I’m dealing with fear of my surroundings and even being in my home. As each kick on the door sounded, with the glass still shattered and strewn about on the floor (from the destruction exit) my panic became deeper. I was locked in and no more safer than from the outside. The girl I love is no longer there as the lies/destructions woo became too much for her not to succumb to their lure.

Two weeks later and I still cry randomly, bring them up in conversation like they’re still here and work to rebuild what’s left behind. I honestly didn’t think my life would ever be without K, given the option, and I’m still in shock that all that remains are pictures of our time together and the memories held in my shattered heart.

I told my therapist I hate being sad and I’m ready for next…but I’m not. I’m not ok…and I hate that. I still go to work every day, I still make food, go grocery shopping, read and I still daily check my phone to see if they’ve called. I’ve closed my home till after the holidays, as I know the wisest thing to do is to make sure I’m good again before inviting children in. It’s hard to be “selfish” and not help in fostering when I know the need is great. The opportunity to reevaluate and pivot is here and so I get to use this season to do just that. It’s not how I planned to spend the holidays, however it is what’s happening.

I said recently that something came alive in me as a foster parent that now feels aimless. Someone reminded me that it’s still alive and just has the opportunity to find a new muscle and outlet. This experience is increasing my love muscle and expanding my capacity. I’m grateful for my church and my community that literally held me when I collapsed in grief as I tried to walk into church, sat with me while I waited multiple times for the police, sent me food and reminded me that this isn’t the end and it’s ok to stand up for myself too.

So here I sit in my home…alone. The house is quiet and the streets continue their noises and I often wonder if it’s the girls. My home feels empty, but this weekend I’m starting the process to reclaim the peace and safety within it. Twice in the last month someone has tried to knock down my door to bring harm and be lying if I said I wasn’t still jumpy…but I’ll keep moving. My physical barricades are down, the space being rearranged, the glass cleaned up (as I keep finding it) and my home getting “righted” (at least in the physical portion). This weekend I reset and prepare for how I will do battle back to “even” as I dig through the grief, the fear, the panic and the uncertainty. To be clear I do not regret my decision to be a single foster mom, to take K in (and the others that came along) and love her deeply and even with this “ending” I wouldn’t trade a thing. Cause I got to see how God can love me, no matter how many times I eff up and still show grace in boundaries…cause that’s what I got to do for 11 months. So here’s to the now, the new and the next all a product of what has been. Thanks for cheering me on friends and for diving in the joyful deepend!

[joyfuldeepend]

How do you do that??

The other night we were having a corrective conversation and ownership about some actions that violated our rules or expectations. It was a rough day for me and I was doing my best to keep my cool as we talked. I did better at some moments than others and when we got down to it what I needed was an apology.

Once we got to a point where we were as resolved as possible I moved on to a conversation with another of the girls about cleanliness and expectations. I was gentle and asked questions without statements to understand and gently offered to show her how to do better. The daughter I had just had the discussion with said “how do you do that?” How do you be kind, soft and gentle when you’re mad? She states that when she’s mad she flips out on the people she loves and can’t control it.

This gave me an opportunity to share some of the reasons I work really hard to not take my frustration out on a party that it isn’t directed to. If we love people they can’t be our punching bag, it’s not fair and they will only stay around for so long if that becomes a pattern. Plus the reality is that if I’m upset with her and use that tone to communicate she is going to shut off and not listen to anything I’ve said. It doesn’t get me or anyone what is needed. … plus I said “I’m a good person” 😂

She asked if I just foster and am nice because I want to get into Heaven. Apparently one of the girls was saying that’s why I take kids in. My response I’m going to Heaven because of my relationship with Jesus and not because of anything I do. I’m able to do kind things because of the work of Jesus and the Holy Spirit within me. And when you’re living a 2 decade in the making dream. It’s that much easier to walk in the challenging spaces.

Sometimes the attitude and emotions of fostering teenagers are a is intense and the disrespect levels are on 100. However when you have a mission of caring for the kids brought into a world they didn’t ask to be brought into, it makes it all manageable. They matter more than my desire for an easy day….these are the things I hope make an impact on their hearts.

[joyfuldeepend]

Saying Goodbye

There is no easy way to say goodbye. Though I’ve been told see you later or so long can lessen there sting of it. For me it still feels like a gut punch that also is the right thing.

After 3 tumultuous months, where grace upon grace was extended, it is time to say goodbye to my 2nd girl and a piece of my heart. I could write a book at the things that transpired and what we walked through. What I know for sure is it taught me a ton and made me realize just how much I can withstand in the name of love and caregiving.

My commitment to my placements/kids have been that as long as I can keep them safe and no drugs and alcohol, that this could be the home for them. Well after a few violations, tries and grace, the culmination of 6 hours of driving around Baltimore, filing police reports and losing my “stuff” on a the desk clerk at the police department. Insert another reminder to men not to tell a woman to calm down when she is crying and asking for help, especially when her kid is in potential danger. So after schooling said clerk, on how to not talk to woman, in the midst of my hysterics, he quickly disappeared (not to return) while someone much more helpful was sent to deal with me. It became apparent that I could no longer keep her safe and had to honor my commitment to say goodbye when that occurred.

Instead of getting to say goodbye and end things well my girl chose to run away in an effort to not face time what would set her up for success. It breaks my heart just how much she has to walk with and not to be a part of her long term solution. The system is broken and my heart is shattered. My caseworker asked me the day after to let her know when I was ready to reopen my home and understood if it took a few days. Obviously I told her it was gonna take me a beat and I was going to redistribute my efforts to K and the full plate of my work/personal life for a bit.

There is a lot more than I can put on this blog, however this gives you a glimpse of our world right now. Thank you all who gave to her birthday wishlist, she squealed in excitement and loved all of them. I’m grateful to know people who are willing to shower strangers with kindness. The journey is long and I’m grateful to get to be on it regardless of the ups and downs that come with it. Thank you friends for diving into the deep end with me!

I saw this piece at the store this week and immediately felt tears come to the surface…I even paid full price (well TJMaxx full price) to put it in my home as a reminder!

[joyfuldeepend]

Choosing Perspective

It’s 2am and I’m scrubbing blood out of the carpet and picking up shards of glass out of the carpet. The days events running through my head over and over, this wasn’t the birthday party I had planned for. I’m angry, feeling inadequate, a little hopeless and sad…deeply sad. I have to stop myself in the midst to choose not to work myself up when I’m so emotionally and physically exhausted I can’t think I’m a straight line and I’m holding on for sleep. I’m at the end of my strength so I do what I believe to be true…I find the beginning of Gods. I don’t have many words so I just plead for help, healing and new ways to love my girls. This is my life and these aren’t the moments I expected to happen yet ones I’ve somehow been prepared for.

The day was filled with pivots and disappointments and tons of opportunities to choose perspective and shifts. In my family one of the best parts of gift shopping is seeing the person open their gifts. For months I’ve been planning the gifts for my daughter and so excited to see her responses. When I returned from picking up her sister and getting groceries for her party…she had opened her gifts and I lost my opportunity to experience it with her. Disappointment and an opportunity to shift…it took me about an hour, making brownies and cleaning to get there. Choosing to acknowledge my disappointment, the unspoken expectation and redirect to the truth and to hold loosely to things.

Multiple teens in one house, with lots of trauma, bad moods (because teenagers), hating their body and their wardrobe while trying to get dressed up. Trying to set the tone and create the space your daughter has hoped for months in the making. Frustration and leaning away from instead of down to the emotions that threaten to change the temperature of the room negatively.

Frantic runs to the store because one of the friends has a visit from Aunt Flo that wreaks havoc during their dinner party. Waiting late at night to do pickup because planning things ahead or understanding of how long things take is not a common things. All the while babysitting younger siblings of friends so they’re not left at home alone and answering their million questions and desire to be included. A choice to take offense/frustration or show grace, teach where applicable and move on this is where we find ourselves.

Sending friends home because emotions are too high and we have to circle the wagons to protect the them from themselves. Hours of deescalation, accountability conversations, speaking and showing love consistent despite behavior that creates a desire to withhold it. Feeling disrespected and not even part of the consideration, this is the role of the adult. Admitting to teenagers that adults don’t have it all together. They ask you how you haven’t exploded or kicked them all out, you get to explain that because of Jesus and the crap ton of therapy and self awareness work you’ve done you have more bandwidth and capacity for things. Plus 20 years on their teen years to know what’s reactive and what’s making choices.

It’s midnight and candles must be blown out and the mood shifted by creating the tone of fun with uno playing. Pushing beyond my limits and trying to cover what feels like a sinking ship of celebration.

Doctors visit to rule out strep only to find out it’s Covid and end up with 3 positives including yourself. Driving in torrential rain to return guests home and make sure everyone is safe before collapsing yourself. Your daughter who’s birthday it is takes the time to apologize for how she contributed to the drama and poor choices and thanks you for the best birthday she’s ever had. It’s in that moment when considering it all pure joy makes sense. Where the 48 hours of turmoil felt bad to you, yet still shown through as beauty to her. That the understanding of just how bad her trauma must have be for this to be the best birthday ever.

Standing in the shower sobbing as you let the last 48 hours wash off of you. Thanking God for the moments of beauty and favor while giving him the moments that tried and discouraged you. Grateful for a community that let me borrow cars, gave gifts, prayed for us and encouraged my heart and life to keep going. This is what foster parenting and being a city on a hill casting light where there is none looks like. I’ll take the price of Covid to get to be in this role even just a little while longer.

Considering it all pure joy and grateful to dive into the joyful deepend again. It might feel like drowning sometimes only to realize it’s really swimming. Thanks for the support and diving into the joyful deepend with me once again!

[joyfuldeepend]

Unmerited Kindness

Grace and patience even when it’s undeserving. The battle that I’m learning in parenting these days is about choosing not to treat someone the way their behavior may deserve. I’m reminded about the scripture that talks about the unmerited favor of God and not receiving what our behavior deserves. This seems like a daily opportunity for us these days.

Getting out of bed and going to school is the least favorite activity of our girl Ty. She is a different person after school and in the evenings than the person I wake up in the morning. There have been days where she cries, straight out refuses or takes her frustrations of the situation out on me. Because I am the adult I get to choose to not step down to her headspace and instead remain calm, resolute and as understanding as possible.

After school when she is chipper and talking a mile a minute without breathing and wants to do something fun. It is a conscious choice to not say no because of her behavior that morning. To not withhold what I would normally give without hesitation as a way of teaching her a lesson. Now I’m sure there are many parenting rules to help curb behavior that would disagree with this, and I am certainly no expert. However when you have teenagers who came to you with trauma, baggage, negative coping mechanisms the last thing they need from me is treating every situation as the same. Not getting up for school doesn’t always mean you can’t have a treat before dinner.

Recently after not wanting to get up for school, and struggling to get to school timely…I got some panicky texts. She was panicky and feeling like she was dissociating and scared. Given her behavior that morning it would have been easy to write it off as trying to get out of school. But because what better thing do I have to do but care…I answered the phone. I stepped away from my work station and talked my kid through her panic attack. I drew on all of my studies and general human behavior knowledge and we got through it. In that moment I could have missed what I was meant to build. Trust! Now I’m her first call, when she dissociates I’m the one that she needs for safety and to find her bearings. There are days I want them to be more self sufficient or to be more responsible…then I remember for the better part of 15 years they didn’t have the kind of safety, kindness and support that they do now. For as long as they’re here they will receive that in spades.

This month I decided to put the girls on my phone plan (after many phone issues and stranded texts & just…well… because). I made the decision and purchased before a few challenging things occurred with them. There were bad decisions, truths revealed, fights and some other odds and ends. I was tempted to withhold the gifts because of the behavior but then I remembered what my goal is as a caregiver. Delight! Unmerited kindness! I want to be a reflection of what I experience from God when I mess up. He doesn’t withhold, he gives kindness…and sometimes that kindness is all the reprimand I need. Seeing their faces light up, the screams, the why did you do this, oh you really love me don’t you…makes me well up with tears at the thought. They will serve the consequences to their actions and live out the positive consequences to their better choices and yet my desire to give gifts can’t be hindered by behavior.

This is a daily choice and often hard to live it….like REALLY HARD! Grateful for the years of my own work to keep going and a community that supports me in ways I cannot even begin to verbalize. Thanks for diving into the joyful deepend friends! It easy yet it’s refreshing there!!!

[joyfuldeepend]

My First Mothers Day

Today I practically ran out of the house to protect my sanity and get out of a bad mood. The sound of hearing my name yelled in a whiny tone was too much for my already grumpy spirit, so figured this was a good time to reflect on my first Mother’s Day.

There is something so sweet about being called mom that I didn’t realize would melt my heart like it does. Even without being a biological mom, being in the caregiver/nurturer role makes my heart smile in ways I never though possible.

On Mother’s Day my girls made me breakfast and K wrote me a card that made me immediately burst into tears. These last two decades waiting to get to live out my dream of fostering has been filled with many things I didn’t know would preparing me to get to this place.

My Pastor asked me to share my motherhood story and the connection to scripture on Mother’s Day. I was filled with doubt, fear and a whole lot of excitement. It’s been a while since I’ve taught in that context and despite the whirlwind of the week was excited to say yes. If interested you can watch here (starts at about the 47 min mark).

As I reflected in this season, I told a friend that I feel full these days, like I’m finally not looking and waiting any longer. This is what I’ve been building and waiting for and it is exceeding my expectations in so many ways. I feel out of my comfort zone, challenged, stretched, rewarded and the list goes on. I in no way have this thing down and every time I think I’ve hit a stride, a reset is needed or I’m reminded of just how long the road ahead is.

Some of my fave mom moments:

My girl K was recounting recently about me. Usually things like this come up when I’m encouraging growth/character in her. She said I don’t know how you do it but you always know how to fix everything. No matter what comes up you have something that can help. So apparently my over preparedness and OCD do come in handy for teenage things. Counting it as all pure joy ��

My girls both like to mock what they call “My Karen voice.” Every time they hear me talk on the phone for work, make appointments or sometimes with friends. I hang up and they start laughing and say “why do you sound like that!?!” I can’t replicate it when I’m not on the phone but healthy doses of reality and mirroring I guess can be helpful.

The harder parts to deal with are your kids opinions of your life. I’ve been told multiple times my life is boring, my wardrobe is boring and I need a man. It’s funny because my life feels like it’s been turned upside down and isn’t boring at all since these two walked into it. The wardrobe part is up for interpretation. The man part…they preaching to the choir. Someone recently inadvertently asked me and my hubby to something, while it was a typo I told them I was taking it as prophetic. Though it’s waaaaayy easier to be single these days.

We all know that when someone starts a sentence with “no offense” usually offense will follow. However my girls say it often when they’re comfortable and talking about something and then realize I’m in the room, so quickly they say “No offense Joy!” Usually I’m confused why I would be offended. But roll with the punches as I’m grateful that they feel comfortable to be themselves in my presence.

Most of my stand out moments are just every day life. Packing lunches, being a sounding board, every-time they “would literally die”, coming in my room to talk about the drama of the day, needing me, every time they seek me out for help and when I get to be the security/anchor in the midst of the difficult.

In my message I talked about God as the ultimate caregiver. A God who longs to be this FOR his children. The safe landing place, the one who’s word we believe of all others, the one we turn to when things are in an upheaval (God’s ear is turned to the cry of the righteous) and the one who delights in our VERY presence.

This is the beautiful maternal side of God that I am so very grateful and don’t take the opportunity as much as I could. I have often see God as a representation of the adults in my life who were not like that and I always fall short.

What a gift to serve and know a God who is the mother who can forgive literally forever, the mother who records no records of wrongs and mess ups, the mother who always has space and time, the mother who is never overworked and over tired. As a new mom this has so much more meaning for me than ever before.

I am so grateful for this season I get to attempt to reflect those characteristics of God to the girls in my home. I recognize I am completely broken and in need of a savior in every moment and so thankful to not do this alone.

Thanks for diving into the joyful deepend friends. Thank you for the gifts, the prayers, commiserating and the encouragement…the support has been extraordinarily helpful!

[joyfuldeepend]

First Trip

My girl had never been outside the state and is terrified of planes. So when I planned my New York work trip (by train) I knew I wanted to take her. And so the planning began…we brought along her cousin for hanging out while I worked.

From the beginning I was so excited to get to be a part of this new experiences and also learned that single parenting it at home is very difference then traveling. Overall we had a blast with many firsts and many learnings and self awareness to be found,

What I loved: watching them laugh and carry on as they discovered the city. Talking about history and things they weren’t alive to know about.

Watching them in awe of New York, the big building, the history and more.

What they learned: everything in New York costs money, yes even that picture in time square! We had New York bagels, New York pizza, something from a cart, shopped in China town, ate at a Chinese place where we were the only non Asian people there, rode the subway, saw the Statue of Liberty and inhaled the smell of trash as we walked the streets!

What I learned: 48 hours of no personal space with two teenagers is my limit, not 72. Note to self travel for less time or splurge for the second room.

There is no turning off teenage drama, even for New York City. 😂😂 I lost count of the times they talked about their boyfriends and rehashed the issues over and over and over and over…this is the song that never ends.

There is no volume level for teenagers and my girls don’t know how to whisper. Subway rides were super fun 🤪

That being said they fell in love with the city, the lights and the exploration. It made my heart delighted to experience it through their eyes. While it was exhausting to work and be on for kids too, I wouldn’t have traded it for anything. I got to be mama bear to two teenage girls and gave me a taste of what it would be like in preparation for the second teenager now in my home.

It’s fun to consider the experiences we’ve had and remember them when things are intense and learning to navigate all the things. Thanks for diving into the deep end with us friends! Hope you’re enjoying all the things that come today.