#four normal humans one human pretending to be a slug three slugs and three. somethings. i never named whatever mmj are
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hands you a whole bunch of little guys. maybe ill give you lore for this au later. maybe it will just be something i draw for fun and i keep the lore to myself. who knows.
#four normal humans one human pretending to be a slug three slugs and three. somethings. i never named whatever mmj are#for some reason theyre seahorses in my head even though theyre very clearly not seahorses#like idk what they even are#not that it really matters. theyre aliens but a different sort of aliens than wxs and thats the main thing thats important#project sekai#ichika hoshino#saki tenma#honami mochizuki#shiho hinomori#haruka kiritani#minori hanasato#airi momoi#tsukasa tenma#emu ootori#nene kusanagi#rui kamishiro#w1f1 sketches#space au
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God (the play)
Written by L.A. Glanvill Copyright 2018 (rev.)
Characters: A mottle group that went to grade school together till the end of High school. Even though they have different personalities, they maintain a close relationship even in there late twenties. Bringing New couples into the mix and dealing with the off-putting scenarios the characters create.
God: Stereotypical character, white toga Style robe. Seems innocent almost naive. Seems to have an Identity crisis. Definite wisdom but seems simple when dealing with tough situation. Playful and whimsical as well.
Phil: Late twenties, anal and looks for people's approval even though he's successful at his job. Seems a bit needy with a touch of sarcasm that is retracted when he goes to far. Can be self-defeating and can be a bit of a whiner.
Martha: Wise but quietly wanting everyone to be happy. A people-pleaser, her main goal is to become the perfect host. Dedicated to Phil. Knows things others don't seem to know but can be so blind at times and a bit of a snob. She seems to miss the small things.
Tom: Very religious, devout, a little dumb. Easily influenced by Jen. Very scattered and reactionary. Illogical. Blind to all around him. Controlled by base emotions and short tempered.
Jen: Tom's Girlfriend. Not smart but thinks she is. Really argumentative. Emotional and reactive. Very aggressive. Uses sex as a weapon with Tom. Massively manipulative.
Tammy: The most unlucky person ever. If anything can go wrong, it will. She falls a lot, always hurt, outer circle even affected. Can be sad and meek at times. But still seems to carry a smile even if fake. Has an expecting nature about her and stoic.
Dr. Segal: Arrogant, controlling, big ego. Is a Player and condescending. Very shallow and materialistic. Male chauvinistic personality. Objectives women. Really believes he's better than others.
Corina: Very shallow, gold digger, materialistic. Only wears and top brands but never pays for anything. Has multiple boyfriends. Dr. Segal being one of them. Using her looks for gains. Very flirty cheats on all relationships.
Zoe: A clone of Corina but pretends to be dumber. Wrestles with being moral has a conscience but ignores it most times. Important to mimic Corina as much as possible.
Liz: Rhon's Girlfriend, an accomplished musician, university TA. Sweet, kind, a little silly, quiet and very smart. Super humble, supportive and affectionate. Loves animals and people. Can be naive because she wants to believe in the best of people.
Death: Based on a grandmother character. Super sweet, soft just exudes love. Must have grannies glasses. Flowered dress. Little hate, like going to church on Sunday. Cane, just someone you would love no matter what.
Rhon (the actor): Liz's boyfriend, logical, scientific in nature. A intellectual always ready for a debate. Can be loud at times. Knows a lot about the universe and not afraid to share his ideas. Strong sense of self.
Rhon Grenon (The director): Laid back but impatient, direct, demanding if pushed. Also has a contradicting personality, a “I don't care attitude”, but takes everything personal. Knows what he likes and can be a little arrogant about it.
Cue card guy: The real Rhon Grenon. AKA, L.A. Glanvill
Song list:
Voy Vance - Make it rain.
Kidnap kid - first light.
The Pete box - Wave.
Syd Matters – River sister.
Pretty lights – Finally moving.
Patrick Watson – To build a home. (Tammy Dies)
Youngblood Hawk – We come running.
Our last night – Voices.
Two Feet – Had some drinks.
San Holo – Light.
Suuns – Translate.
The Chemical Brothers - Snow.
Miike Snow – Cult logic.
John Butler – Ocean.
Waterboys – To close to heaven.
Phosphoroscent – Song for Zula.
The Strumbellas – We don't know.
Ray LaMontagne – Empty.
The Acid – Basic Instinct.
Low- Lullaby
Crews:
Sound Crew: Responsible of overall feel of the atmosphere and vital to success of the feel of the play.
Lighting crew: Timing is everything. Absolute focus is necessary or wont work especially in the end.
Food Crew: Have to do set up during end of play, Quietly and quickly. Then responsible to encourage people to start to eat. Bring them food or ask them what they want.
Audience Plants: Willing to engage neighbours and encourage them to get involved to the party. Start before the play starts.
Make-up crew: Responsible for all wardrobe and make-up but essential at the end to make Jen a car accident victim..
Visual Crew: Responsible for timing and visual play on TV. Easter Egg
Set Crew: Layout and design as well of placement for optimal full party organization.
Media Crew: Hit all formats of social media. Create a buzz.
Flood of lights across a room, showing all the details of the stage. Centre stage is a typical living room with couch and TV facing audience. Modern style decor Music plays softly in the background. Looks like there is a preparation for a party going on. Banner saying congratulations up and balloons, food out. Three characters are already walking around finishing prepping. The Lights dim, the characters continue to do what they are doing, above the lights and music comes the deep booming voice of God as his speech continues, the rest get the room finished and ready for the party.
GOD: In the beginning there was nothing. Pause Nothing here anyway. This darkness, which wasn't actually darkness at the time because no one had come along to start naming things. Just was... Pause nevertheless; anyway; All the same. From the darkness I created the sun, the moon and all the stars. People weren't even on my mind at this point. I was creating scenery. See. Then I laid out the earth here and touched it up with all the beauty I could imagine. Birds, flowers, trees, beetles, rocks, sand, rainbows and snowy peaked mountains. Eventually, water crept up on the land as land invaded the waters and beasts I envisioned lived in blissful ignorance. All but one; Distaste in voice HUMANS. Humans who started thinking that they had monkeys as ancestors. Who considered themselves the descendants of muscular slugs, who heroically dragged their slippery bodies from the water to land to evolve. Again distaste in voice Suddenly, I feel a need to inform them of their folly; To make my presence known; To inform educate, instruct and edify; To help them understand themselves and to do something. Pause You see, I've become so incredibly bored.
Lights rise again full. The three characters are speaking with one another from across the room. Light music. The doorbell rings.
Phil: I'll Get it. Walks towards the door. Stage Left. Martha raises a hand but not her head as she works away at making finger sandwiches. Phil opens the door to Tammy, Jen, and Thom. Who is carrying a bag of ice. Tammy has a grease mark on her face and her hands are slightly stained, her clothes are wrinkled and hair all messed.
Oh my god Tammy what the hell happened?
Tammy looks at her feet and doesn't answer.
Tom: Her car had a little trouble.
Jen: A little Trouble? I didn't even know that thing could move. It was a rolling horror show.
Tom: She just had a flat tire. Jen: A flat tire!?! I think all four tires of those tires were running on rims. She had flat rims.
Phil: Takes Tammy's hand You ok, hun?
Tammy nods her head walks over and puts a bowl of crab dip that she brought on the table.
Tammy: I'll put the Crab dip here that I made here Martha. Is that ok?
Martha: Come in, come in all of you. Why are you all standing around? Yes Tammy that's fine, right there is fine.
Phil moves to the side and holds the door open. The three walk by him and toss their jackets on the side chair. Phil, looking towards the entering guests goes to close the door behind him but Dr. Segal with Corina and Zoe walk in one on each arm like arm candy. Bumping into Phil as they enter.
Dr. Segal: How's it going, Hi, Hi. I'm here let the party begin.
Phil goes to close the door and looks out to the audience. The spotlight focuses on him. The rest of the cast greet each other , and talk give hugs and hellos. They all grab drinks that Martha is holding on a tray.
Phil: I decided to throw a party. Because I never do these kind of things: Normally I like a nice quiet night in with my fiance, Martha. Or a night on the town at a play, an intimate blues bar or a open air concert. But not in my house, I'm not to found of having people in my house. But these are my friends.
Pause, looks at the group.
A motley crew of misanthropes; self-doubters the lot of them. But aren't we all? They hide it well though, don't they? Dr. Segal there, with the ladies by his side. A plastic surgeon. He has devoted his life, specifically, to enlarging the mammary glands on the already well-endowed women: Women such as Corina, The young woman on his left.
Corina laughs, pushes her chest out, and gives Dr. Segal a slap on the shoulder
Corina didn't always look like that. Nor did any of us really want her to. She's beautiful, in her own way. Then there's Zoe who's thinking of surgery herself, but isn't sure. Why you ask? Because she isn't sure of anything or at least that's what I think. She sure seems to know everything.
Zoe steps back from the other two and raising one hand begins to yatter in a way that the others two roll their eyes at her
Phil: Jen and Tom, have a dysfunctional/ destructive relationship if there ever has been one. They can fight about anything; where the sun sets. What time it is on the moon. If an orange was purple what would it be called? But then they have, or so I've been told, knock out sex. Isn't that the way though?
Jen and Tom seem to be arguing about something of near the kitchen table
And then there's Tammy, poor, poor Tammy. We've been calling her that for years now. Nothing that we know of has ever gone her way. Her father left when she was four, then her mother died on her when she was five. She was shipped off and raised by a grandmother who didn't believe in children. Lucky for her she died when she was Ten. Then many foster-homes. And she disappeared for a good five years. These things are not mentioned in the group. None of ask and she doesn't share. Since she came back her luck has even gotten worse. If there is a chair leg to catch a toe on , she will. If she jumps a green light, she'll get t-boned by another car. If she dates a nice guy. An aspiring doctor...and don't let her know I told you this... he'll end up being the doctor only so much as that he'll get caught dismembering the neighbourhood cats.
Tammy goes to sit down and falls of the chair. Spilling her drink on herself
Then there is Martha and I, We've been together six years now. One day soon I am going to ask for her hand... I didn't know I could love someone this much. And this is my party which I have been planning for two weeks. Now you are all up to speed let's jump in and see where this goes.
Martha is handing out food still and the doorbell rings again. Stage lights up and Phil walks over to answer the door.
Rhon: Hey buddy boy! Gives Phil a hug then pushes him
Phil: Where's Liz?
Rhon: She's on her way. She wanted to bring her own car so she could leave when she wanted to from work.
Rhon Takes of his coat and drops it on the couch, Phil goes to close the door and Liz enters with God slightly behind her. She runs in leaving the door open, God wanders in as the attention is on Liz
Liz: Rhon, Rhon. I won! I won the award for my composition!
She runs across the room and hugs Rhon. Rhon raises a glass in his hand to toast her
Rhon: A toast, To Liz, who just won some epic award for which I assume is a beautiful musical composition.
Everyone raise their glasses, cheer and then drink deeply. Then the girls jump up and down in excitement and joy. Before going back to what they were doing. Lights dim. God Stands beside the couch examining the room, Hands behind his back, Tipping forwards on his feet. Phil goes and closes the door and turns to the audience. Spot light on Phil
Phil: Then there's Rhon and Liz. There's not a better couple out there, as far any of us can tell. And If I have to admit it I'm bit jealous of their relationship. Supportive and loving, disgustingly perfect. And then there's this...
Pauses looks at God hand stuck in air and confused
This Guy who I have never seen before. Who is this guy?
Stage lights up Phil walks over to Liz and Rhon who is excitedly talking to Rhon.
Phil: Who's your friend?
Liz: Who?
Phil: Dude with the beard. He came with you didn't he?
Liz: Never seen him before.
Everyone looks at God who is now watching the TV. Music changes to christian Gospel
Rhon: Who is this guy? And What's with the music?
Phil: Martha can we put on a different CD?
Martha walks over to change the CD but it keeps playing as she pulls out the CD as she holds it. She looks dumbfounded. Phil walks over to God
Phil: Hi There.
Looking quizzical, God just smiles, a kind generous smile
God: Good day, Sir.
Phil: Umm, Might I ask who you came with? Who you came with?
God pauses for a second, glances around the room and back to Phil. Some are looking at him, Liz, Rhon, and Tammy are paying attention to what he's saying. All others are conversing about there places and do not hear what he is about to say
God: I am God
Looking puzzled like he doesn't understand the question
Phil: God? As in Godfry. Right?
God: No, no, no. God.
Glances till he locks eyes towards Martha direction
Ask Martha.
Phil: Oh, you're a friend of Martha's.
God: Yes and no. But she'll understand.
Phil: God. Okay, God. I see.
Lights dim again, spotlight on God. Rest of the cast freezes.
God: To the audience. People simply do not understand. Was I to believe that they honestly would? God is not something that comes and talks to one Saturday night. Something, someone? That just shows up in your living room. God is supposed to be ethereal, everlasting and above all else, somewhere else; Somewhere mystical and above the clouds. Or trenched deep within one's heart: not standing on your carpet in your front room. How can I make them understand who I am? Well I cannot; they simply do, or they do not.
Lights back to full
Phil: God then.
God: To audience And Phil here does.
Phil: May I introduce you to my friend, Moses, Jesus and Mary. Snickers
God: I see. Sarcasm is the lowest form of humour. Has no one ever told you that, Phil?
Phil looks slightly shocked
Phil: How do you know my name?
God: I told you Phil, I am God.
Phil: I see.
God: Need I prove this to you somehow?
Phil: That may be a way to get over this awkwardness, no?
God: No.
Phil: No?
God: Yes, yes, of course. How might I prove this to you?
Phil: Snapping his fingers What was the name of the dog I had in high school? God responds quickly
God: Skippy
Phil: Where did I lose my Blanket when I was four?
God: You didn't, your mom threw it out? Taken aback and surprised but determined to catch him
Phil: Fine then, what is my favourite food?
God: Chocolate: which is odd, thought not as odd as the fact, bearing in mind the aforementioned fact, that you have never had a cavity. Thanks to me. He winks and giggles
Phil: And what...
God: Toothpaste.
Phil: Where...
God: Georgetown.
Phil: Stepping back But...
God: Spruce street, a quarter past five or quarter after five, Simultaneous multiple partners, a lakeside resort on the edge of Owen Sound, A four hundred dollar plate, the grass behind your house, with-in the bushes, Dying cats and teddy bear named Woo-woo you lost while searching for your little sister when she was lost one foggy May morning.
Phil: Head dropping Woo-woo.
God: Speaking in a Jamaican accent Yah Phil. I'm da real ting mon. And to answer you next question, I am here to raise my praise. People jus don believe anymore. Don believe in anything. And we all need somethin' to believe in, right mon. I am da lord and Savior. But if yu need some more proof.... Raises his hands above his head
Phil: No, No, that's alright. I'll play along.
God: Normal voice Are you sure? I have this amazing dancing elephant that will materialize at a moments notice. Doesn't make a mess. It's the dearest little thing I have ever seen.
Phil: No, I'm certain. But, could you do me a favour? I know you want to raise your praise and all, but could you keep the preaching to a minimum? I have been planning this party for a couple of weeks and really, well religious talk is such a downer. We just want to have fun.
God: Kicking his at the ground, head hung low, eyes looking up puppy-dog like Aww come on, I need to help people , help them understand that's there's something out there looking out for them.
Phil: Please. Begging
God: Oh All right, I'll try.
Phil: Try? If memory serves me right, you tried a few things a few times before and they have hardly worked out properly.
God: British accent Scotch, ma boy, I kna yu have a bottle a twenty five under yu bed.
Phil: Smiles I was saving that for a special occasion.
God: Well that special occasion is here.
Martha: Having made her way over to God Rod is it? My, my you should be wearing more clothing: it's cold out there.
God: Do you know what might warm me up?
Martha: Pigs in a blanket?
God: Yup. Pigs in a blanket. Smiles
Phil walks over to help Martha grab the food
Phil: It's god you know that don't you?
Martha: Yes of course I do. Who wouldn't know God?
Dr. Segal walks over quickly. God walks of to the food table. Picks up the crab dip that Tammy brought, Snif s it and gives a troubled face. Puts it back down
Dr. Segal: Who is that?
Phil: He's God.
Dr. Segal: With a smile on his face Let's look at this rationally, shall we. God, the being who created the universe, who created the prototypes for you and me. Who keeps the world spinning, who sends the sun up and the moon down. Or whatever it is that happens there. The big guy in the sky. He's here in your living room. The man with a plan, all the answers.
Corina overhears and comes over with Zoe in tow
Corina: This is stupid. If he has all the answers I don't care! All that matters is how you look and what you have. Everyone knows that.
Zoe: OMG! Corina come on that's not true. What about sad people: They need our help to make them happy. Like makeup and stuff.
Corina: Laughs loud and claps here hands like she has a great idea I know everybody feels better when you get a good haircut. Looking with wide eyes like she has a secret to share. We should start a club or crowd funding or group or facebook or whatever to give make-up workshops in Africa or hair extensions to the poor.
Both Girls squeal in delight and give each other a high five
Both: OMG YEAAA!!!
Phil looks dumbfounded and looks back to Dr. Segal to finish his conversation. Both girls talk among themselves
Phil: Umm, anyway sure, To answer you. Why not? I mean why not? Don't you...
Dr. Segal: Believe in God? Sure, sure. Why not. I believe in God But The guy with the beard over there is trying to steal your gold pen.
Phil: Pointing at God Hey, hey put that down!
God: Looking startled It's a beautiful pen Phil, lovely Fine gold.
Phil: Yeah, well you can see why I would be a little nervous about it then.
God: Indeed.
Dr. Segal and Phil walk over to where God is
Phil: And you might expect that I will Question why you have chosen to visit me. Tonight of all nights.
God: Indeed
Spot light on Phil
Phil: To Audience A rope walks into a bar and orders a beer, The bartenders says, Says we don't serve ropes here. The the rope bends over and shows him the top of his head and says fraid knot? No, wait that's not the one I wanted. Slaps himself on the knee Guy walks into a party and says, “ I'm God.” No, that's not nearly as funny. Guy throws a party and everything that could go wrong goes wrong. And God walks in.
Tom: To Phil smugly I see you are humouring the deity this evening Phil.
Phil: So you don't believe?
Tom: I do believe in God. I don't believe that that is him. I know God and his will: you know I am one of the faithful, one of his flock. I understand the heart and mind of God. I hate to say it Phil. But I am closer to God, more than any of you.
Jen: I don't believe it's him either. But let's have fun with him.
Phil Hangs his head as his friends walk past him. He turns around to find that the rest of the party members have gathered around God
Dr. Segal: Those are some hefty bags under your eyes, old timer. Drop by my clinic and I could help you out with those.
Martha hands God a snifter of scotch
Zoe: Like, where do you stand on abortion?
Corina: Can you make me Prettier?
Rhon: When I look into the night sky I can only see so far, right? I want to know what the edge of the universe looks like.
Everyone is there surrounding God
Liz: Where is the most beautiful place on Earth?
Phil: Once we have figured out DNA what will we know?
Jen: To Phil Why would he care about that?
Tom: To Jen Why would he not?
Jen: Where do you even come up with such dumb things to say?
Tom: Oh-for-crying-out-loud Jen! Why can't you just agree on one thing for once?
Jen: You always say that! I have my own thoughts, I don't like when you say I argue. Last time you did that I washed your shirt and nothing is ever good enough for you.
Tom: What the hell are you talking about? They both walk of arguing getting softer as they walk away. Improve argument from here. Everyone turns back to God to ask more questions. But not loud. Silent but dramatic actions. Music louder like a Montague
Tammy softly speaks as music drops almost shy like
Tammy: What is luck?
The party slips into slow motion but for God and Phil
God: Looking mournfully towards Phil You know Phil, You weren't selected at random. Your house was chosen. Wilfully selected. Let me tell you why I am here, Phil. Going into salesman mode People have managed to get the wrong idea about me Phil. My message has been bastardized to the point where I cannot tell what these people are talking about anymore. You have all made it more difficult than it needs to be. They've taken my words and ruined them. Changed them. Switched them up and spat them back out in odd formations to feed their own ego's. Someone should just ask me what I am talking about. Not these single little questions. These insignificant whims. Ask me what it is I mean by it all.
Phil: God, What are you talking about?
God: Ask me what it all means. What this world is all about.
Phil: What's it all about God?
God: Beats me. Giggles
Rest of the party snaps back out of slow motion and God and Phil are in there original places
Tammy: Why were all my loved ones taken from me so early on in life?
Jen comes back as Thom pouts in the corner by the food. She interrupts pushes her way in, then Thom follows back with a frown on his face
Jen: Is true love a reality? Or some sort of chemical bullshit?
Tom: Why are you asking this guy anything? He's not God!
Jen: How do you even know? Well? How could you know? It might be possible!
Tom: I, I, well I'd just know. I mean God doesn't come and start nattering to people in their living rooms, some night. Does he!
Martha: He could.
Liz: Is music truly the greatest divine blessing?
Rhon: okay, so what I find hard to swallow, is what religion is selling. It seems flawed, in a way that is beyond explanation. Hypocritical, controlling, and self-centred. I think that is the problem. Self-centred. Seriously though, I use to look up into the nights sky when I was a kid and wonder what was up there, all night long, watching the stars move and the clouds and the moon. Then one day I found out that it was us that was moving and not the stars. Or that the stars had already moved and what I was seeing was not even there anymore. They were just what was left of what was once there. Like that flicker when you turn off a TV at night. And seriously listen I couldn't go to church any more. I mean, If I can stare at something with my own eyes like that, something that doesn't even exist anymore, and the lights are beautiful. The earth moves on its own accord, and all this, all this stuff was actually created by something. I was damned certain that it, whatever it was that created all of this, was not going to care whether or not I stuffed myself into a little blue suit every Sunday morning and sang songs about how much I loved him. And how much I praised him. Come on wasn't Sunday supposed to be a day off anyway?
Everyone stops and looks at Rhon rant. For a moment when he's done silence. Then in unison to God
Everyone: Aren't you going to give us any answers?
God looks tired, settles down in a seat. Martha grabs a drink and brings it to God and a small plate of pigs in a blanket. He smiles at her and sips his scotch and closes his eyes to enjoy it
Martha: Let's all leave him alone for a moment, give him some space you guys.
Cast but Phil walks back to the food table talking to themselves
God: He makes me sound like I've been neutered or something.
Phil: We are not supposed to know the face of god, Or so we have been told.
God: Not supposed to know? Who decided this? Shaking his head at the statement
Phil: Only his work.
God: My work. Hmm. But not me. The product but not the inventor.
Phil: But are we to thank you?
God: Thank me? For what? For what I have done for you? But not know who or what you are thanking?
Phil: Does it sound odd?
God: A little. Might I have a moment alone?
Phil: Certainly.
Phil walks over to where Tom is standing, Jen Kissing Thom Passionately, God looks likes talking to someone, then sips his drink quietly. As Thom Phil is there and pushes Jen of of him
Phil: Tom, you don't believe that God is right there do you.
Tom: Oh he's here. He resides in our churches and cathedrals and in our hearts. He's all around us. Watching, judging every moment of our existence.
Phil: So, you don't believe that he could come to earth and talk to us?
Tom: If he did, who would believe him? Unless he turned the sky into fire, and the world to salt. He would show the power of who he is.
Jen: Yea right, he's right!
Stage Darkens, spotlight on Phil. Who walks to the front of the stage. Rhon walks over to God. And you can see them starting a deep debate. Can only see actions no words
Phil: Well, I do. We've made him human. Sometimes some of us; If we care at all to look outside of ourselves for answers. But then, most of us are too busy for that anyway. Doesn't it seem that the stranger things get the more willing we are to accept them? The tabloids draw our eyes their stands at the grocery stores. Tweets build fear. Facebook isolates us. We don't know how to be friends anymore. The news that people have won millions in a lottery, keeping us buying and wanting and hoping that in someway or some how our number will come up and we will finally win. We have lost faith in anything tangible. And as we lose faith we begin believing more and more in things, like televangelists, products that will make us beautiful. People that lie to us and we want them too. Trying to be perfect trying each to be a God in our own right, hoping one more person will push the like button to make us closer to perfection. We have created a God so far from who he is here in my living room, that we can't even see who he is now. Or understand. No one has direct recourse to the Lord.
Lights come back on and Rhon Is beside God. Phil walks over in mid-conversation.
Rhon: So, you see what I mean? No, no seriously, if we live in a multi-dimensional universe. The introduction of infinity proves that a God could not exist in this wider sense of multiple infinitives of north, east, west, south, up and down. Time, God. Time could not exist if God does. What we have is a world within which we are attempting to link existing things, things we can touch and see. Like this glass of wine. Holds up glass of wine Like wise cannot see, like time, or infinity, or God. And that makes sense. Doesn't it?
God: You cannot multiply infinity times infinity, then interject variables with an earthly construct. Quantifying the equation and expect there to be a big equal sign n the end. Counting things out on his fingers
Phil: So then we made God. We made God for the answer to these questions?
God: Yes, that is entirely possible. The world spinning in infinity without a leader, without a God. So, there is no God. No, wait a moment... There is Dammit you guys, I'm God.
Phil, and Rhon Snicker At God for a moment Tom walks over near the end of god speaking
Tom: Extending his hand Right then, God I'm Moses. Would love to talk to you a little longer but there's Sea somewhere that needs to be parted. Tom walks off laughing
Phil: You could have said something.
God: I don't bother with his type. He has his own perception of who I am, what I do. I could do anything I wish to him, but he's still going to be looking for a bloody tear to come off of some manikins face or a bush to spontaneously combust. It's easier to let him live his life. Let him live simply. Than show him the truth of who I am. Like I said before the message has been lost in time. The ultimate telephone game.
Phil: So the faithful are wrong?
God: Hand to chin No, not wrong. But blind faith in anything will get you killed.
End of Act I
Act II
TV is on. Rhon Flicks remote begins to press buttons. God remains sitting munching on pigs on a blanket and sipping on his drink
TV: In Syria today, UN troops are gaining access to previously un... On highway 7 today at 2:00am just east of Peterborough, Five teens driving what is believed in excessive speed crashed into a tree. Alcohol may have been a factor. All Five teens... For only $29.99 plus shipping and handling. That's right Greg, we pay the shipping and handling this time. What Fran We do?... It's generally our notion that, upon discovering his men bogged down in heavy snow of a Russian winter. Napoleon chose, against the wishes of his commanding officers and advisors, to continue on, but what was he expecting to find in Russia that... Show me the way to go home, everybody now, I'm tired and wanna go to bed.
Phil: Hey Rhon turn up the music, turn that thing down. More party man.
Martha while walking across the room, takes the remote from Rhon and places it back on the TV, music plays softly in the background
Martha: What is it I have to do to live a good life? Sorry to bother you, I really am, but I have been asking myself this question for so long now and I need to know the answer.
God: Slow, steady, psychiatrists voice Need. Need as a word, if I am correct, normally signals something which, were one to not receive it, one might very well die? Well, will you die if you do not receive an answer, Martha?
Martha: Looking at the couch, running her finger up and down the seam of the arm rest I suppose not. But will I be allowed into heaven?
Phil: Wanders over and sits beside Martha Yes, is there a heaven? I've always wondered that myself.
God: Well, a while ago I rented this warehouse location on Roosevelt Island and now we get those souls packed in there nice and tight.
Martha: What!?!
God: Giggling No, Martha I'm kidding. I'll have to leave that up to your imagination. But yes to live a good life Martha. I will tell you a secret Motions for her to come closer Rubber bands. You must collect more rubber bands.
Martha nods her head and stands, when she passes the TV, there is an elastic on it and she takes it
God: Turns to Phil I've realized over time I'm not that good with people, Phil. I often forget how ridiculously low their sense of humour is.
Dr. Segal: At the kitchen Table But Club Monaco is the new big thing. Those Tight little tops that show off the ladies belly-rings. And the skin. Short, short, short. Legs, legs legs.
Zoe: Club Monaco? Like, whatever. I spend, like a thousand on a shirt I can wear it like forever. Club Monaco cost like Fifty bucks.
Dr. Segal: You could wear it forever? But do you?
Zoe: Guuuroossss, NEVER!
Dr. Segal: Nothing I like more than a woman in a tight sweater. Takes Corina's hand and smiles I really do appreciate the subtlety of a woman. I know that sounds hypocritical being a surgeon in the art of plastic. But to me seeing a beautiful angel filling a sweater, where a lot is left to the imagination...mmm...mmm
Corina: Sweaters! But they hide so much. They're so, regular. I mean, Like, I mean. They hide everything.
Dr. Segal: And there is beauty in that, isn't there? In the unknown about another person?
Zoe: No, there isn't. We should be able to judge people without talking to them.
Jen: Well, maybe if boobs are all you have then...
Zoe: Take that back! Waving her finger at Jen
Jen: Why do you immediately assume I am talking about you?
Zoe: Take it back! Jen: Well, it's true.
Zoe: You don't mean it. Take it back!
Jen: I do, and I won't!
Zoe: Why do you have to be such a bitch?
Jen: I just say what I know.
Zoe: Well maybe you should, like, think about keeping some of these things to yourself, do you know what I mean?
Jen: Honesty is a virtue. Right God? Looks across the room at God
Spot light falls on God, the rest of the room slips into slow-motion. God speaks to the audience
God: Petty disputes. What makes them think that I can solve their Problems? Who was it that said, all of your dealings with one another, your financial troubles, your social concerns, your love and loss of love take them to god. Send them my way. I can fix it. In the dead of night when you have just hung up the phone with the only person you ever believed you would be able to love. Who has just told you that you unfortunately are not the one for them. Well, yell to good old God. Tell him your troubles. You've driven your car into a wall because your high. Lying there in your own stupid pool of blood and cry out to God. Maybe God can turn back time, you'll think, maybe God is the answer here. Then while you're laying a hospital room, contemplating how ephemeral it all is, how absolutely tragic the world is. How horrible you have been treated, you will say, Why, God, why have you forsaken me? And I will tell you why. Because, dumb-ass you did it yourself. It was was your choice to smoke that joint and text. Not mine. And that person that convinces you to buy Bitcoin but at the last moment you bail.
God: They become rich and you don't. You can't blame them for your lack of courage. You wanting to play it safe. You make choices that dictate your future everyday. I'm not saying hardship won't happen for no reason now and then. Sure born into the wrong part of the world what choice do you have. But definitely you have a choice here. You already won the golden ring. You by being here in this moment of time in this place have won the lottery of life. Every opportunity is given to you. I look out for the ones that need it, the little people. Putting little angels on their shoulder... But these people are beyond my jurisdiction. They've made their own rules and now must live by them. Sorry to say.
Stage lights back up
Jen: I'm not saying that you are a bad person, Zoe. Just self-centred and.
Zoe: What? Self-centred and What? If you are having about of honesty here and all.
Tom: Simple.
Phil: Please stop it you guys.
Zoe: Simple! Simple! What do you mean by that?
Jen: Maybe more ignorant than simple, actually. I'd say. But that is not a bad thing. You just decided to live your life a different way. Different things are important to you.
Phil: No really guys please, my party come on don't be mean to each other. We can work this out.
Zoe: Pfff, like okay. What. The. Hell.
Dr. Segal: Laughing All I was saying is that I like a woman in a sweater. But if we're going to be talking like this well Jen, I mean, really, Pot, Kettle, Black. Hahaha
Zoe: Oh shut up you, you, you pimp.
Dr. Segal: Whooaa Hahaha. Pimp? Hahahah, let me explain to you what pimp is.
Zoe: Like, I know what a pimp is. And. And. Why are you all being so mean to me? Starts to cry
Jen: To Dr. Segal as she puts her hand on Zoe shoulder to support her What do you know about or anything you glorified sculptor!
Dr. Segal: I'll take that as a compliment. Hahaha
Zoe: What did I do wrong?
Jen: What is it that I said so wrong? Or awful? It's just the truth.
Tom: I wish this never started. Why can't you just keep your mouth shut? Why do you have to fight with everyone at every moment?
Phil: Guys, guys, my party remember?
Corina: I think my left Boob is bigger than the right one. Can anyone see this?
Rhon: Why can't we just get along people. It's the differences that separate us and we have to start finding common ground here. Common you guys.
Tom: That kind of attitude will get you beat up these days. Hahahaha
Dr. Segal: Softly There's more to life than looks.
Jen: And you would know.
Tom and Phil both start laughing
Liz: Guys what's going on?
Tom And Phil Still laughing
Jen, Zoe: what you you laughing at?
In the background Tammy is eating her Crab dip, standing alone. No one else is there after eating it she sits. She waves for help but no one notices. Then leans back and dies with her eyes open. Everyone is focused on Phil who is awkwardly laughing.
Phil: Ha, Ha, So here's a good one. This guy, he decides to have this party and, Hahaha, makes everything perfect for everyone. For his friends and then, ohh, here's a good one. The Lord almighty shows up and. Hahaha his friends start to fight with one another and Hahahaha, toss some drinks around and insult one another and then, hahahahaha.
Dr. Segal looks over at Tammy where she is slumped over eyes open, as Phil has his break down. He walks over puts his ear to her mouth and listens for a moment. Picks up her arm and checks for a pulse. Stage goes dark and the spotlight focuses on God. God put his drink down and shakes his head
God: This isn't going to be pretty. Lights come up full on the stage
Dr. Segal: Tammy's dead! He shouts out to everyone.
Everyone: Dead?
Dr. Segal: Dead!
Everyone: Dead?
Dr. Segal: Dead!
Phil: How?
Dr. Segal: Dead!
Rhon: No, How?
Dr. Segal: Shrugs his shoulders Might have been something she ate.
Zoe: I told her to go on a diet!
Everyone glares at her still in shock.
Phil: And then, here's the punch line. I mean get this one, It's better than three guys walk-into a bar. A priest, a mime and a drunk Irish man. Or the one about guy and his neighbour wife? Which is a good one. A real good one. This one is better. This guy, see, he throws a party and wants everything to be perfect. But then God shows up and his friends fight and argue. And then, here it is, here's the big one, the clincher. The old whoompa! One of his guests Dies. DIES hahahahahahah
God: As he eats the crab dip and other things It was the crab Dip. I guess I could have mentioned that but then I got this scotch and got into these conversations and then the ladies here started fighting with one another.
Rhon: You couldn't have mentioned this? I mean really God. Come on.
Phil: I let you into my house. For the party.
Zoe: She was my friend.
Tom: I can still remember our night together. Walks over to Tammy strokes her hair
Dr. Segal: No leave her be.
Everyone sits down at the table then ignores that Tammy in dead. Someone pushes the Crab dip to the end of the table. The stages darkens slightly Music in the background. Death walks in touches Tammy on the arm and she pops up fully animated, Stands and tests out here new body. She seems stronger, more confident, both move to the back of the table and seem in a good happy conversation
Jen: Wait! What night with her? Thom? I introduced you to her. So if you did anything with her I'll Frig'in lose it I swear to God!
God Perks up and looks at them points to himself questioningly
Tom: Aww, Tammy. I feel so betrayed. Jen How could you think this?
Zoe: Like, Serves you right.
Tom: Oh shut it Zoe!
Phil: My party.
Rhon: You couldn't have mentioned this? You're God for Christ sake. You didn't get around to mentioning that the Crab dip was going to kill our friend?
God: Well, I knew the possibility was there that it could maybe, kill her. But things can always go one of two ways.
Zoe: Like, whatever. IF you're God, I'm Marilyn Monroe.
Tom: And I'm Moses.
Jen: And I'm Princess Di.
Zoe: That's pretty Tasteless.
Jen: What do you know about taste?
Tom: Name one Tchaikovsky Symphony.
Zoe: Who? Me or her?
Tom: Either of you. And at the same time points to God Prove you are who you say you are. Prove you're God. Let's get it all figured out here. All the cards on the table.
Phil: No, no, please don't make him prove anything. The elephant and the destry what's left of my party. And. Oh, please just don't make him prove anything.
With a big pause, everyone's attention is focused on God he sighs and gets ready to speak
God: This girl has an unlucky life and I get the blame when she dies? I didn't make the dip. I didn't make the crab dip with old eggs and old crabs. I didn't take it from the plate and stick it in Tammy's mouth. But I get the blame? See that's what I have been talking about. You all think that I have something to do with this.
Tom: Well, you do have the ultimate control over everything. Right? That's the deal. Your job description. Right? Or will you just admit now you aren't God.
Phil: Gone, deceased, dead hands flutter in the shape of a bird. Taking off above his head an at my party. The party I have been planning for over two weeks.
Rhon: Oh sweet-Jesus-tap-dancing-Christ Phil. Shut up about the damn party. We get it, we know, but right now things have gone a little sideways here and we have bigger things to think about that that right now.
God: There. There is my flaw. Snaps his fingers and points My cosmic joke, my point of break or my cracked vase. You little buggers can only think yourself. Yourself and how you can be better than one another. But, in the end, just yourself. Yourself first and last. Start, middle and end, me, me, me. Do you know how I got here today? I took the subway. While I was standing there on the platform, a woman named Patricia Barker, was severely depressed. Believing the world was to much for her. She was so desperate, to much pain to speak of. Decided to remove her and her child from it. The world that is. Remove herself completely. By jumping , child in arms, in front of a oncoming subway. I was the blind black beggar at the station. You want me to help? Well it's not my job!
Martha: That's awful.
God smiles sadly at Martha
God: But this woman beside me, Three piece suit, a couple grand worth of jewellery, late for a business meeting as it was. She began to complain. Complain that she was going to be even later for this meeting. Huffing and puffing. That it would change her world. That it would make more and more money. “Screw this stupid woman, who is dressed like a street person.” She said aloud. Decides to jump in front of a train, I mean come on people, you want to know everything in the world there is to know? Life on mars, eternal happiness, the perfect orgasm, long life and maybe inner peace? Well, compassion is a good start. Compassion and empathy is a damn fine start actually.
Phil: And then my guests piss off God.
Death makes her way to Tammy stands beside her and Tammy instantly comes to life. they talk but know one notices as all focus is on God. Death waves hello to God, God nodded in acknowledgement
Liz: God: are you okay?
God: Runs his hands over his face I'm sorry. You are no more to blame than anyone else. But you must understand that it is all about free will. And that is going to shock you all. I mean, especially Tom there who actually believes in me.
Tom: Looking sheepish and acting defensive I believe in God, and there's nothing wrong with that. But you my friend are not HIM!
God: You are a rarity these days. But no one really has it wrong. Well, except for the Scientologist. They are way out in left field. Anyway I created the earth, and it was good. I created the plants, the sea, the sky, it was all good. Good. Put animals in the mix nice batch of insects all life. Then I got tired or maybe bored I can't remember. So I set the program in motion, a basic free will if you like. It was good. I went away for awhile and I came back and what do I see. It was no longer good. Yu'all screwed it it up. Yu'all forgot a few things changed a few things. But yu'all had yer purposes to fulfill. And and yu'all don't like it. Then you have someone like Tammy here who, tonight, has fulfilled her duties. Who's free-will has brought her to this. And this.
Lights focus on Death and Tammy
Phil: Who is this?
God: Death.
Rhon: This old lady is Death?
Death blows her nose and fixes her glasses and smiles a big smile Tammy Appears beside Death. The rest of the cast realize shes alive and standing
Rhon: Oh my God, It's Tammy!
The rest are shocked
Liz: Tammy I thought you died?
Tammy: I think I did.
Phil: Wait I thought she died!
Tom: I told you she wasn't dead.
Corina: Tammy Come here, with us.
Death: No folks we need her with us.
Phil: Then Death shows up. What a party!
God: Yes, Gladice here is Death and she does a damn fine job of it to. Don't you Gladice. He raises his glass to Death
Death: I try.
God: You've been with me for what? Two, three generations?
Death: Going on four, God.
God: Elected by a body of her peers each time. And she still loves the lot of you.
Death: I do, I truly do.
God: With birth out of the way, and Death taking care of business. I have so much time on my hands. Thank you Gladice.
Death: No Thank you God.
Dr. Segal: Sounds reasonable to me.
Rhon: But can't you stop Death?
God: Sure, why not. Throw a stick in the spokes of history. Why not? But it's none of my business, now is it.
Rhon: What if we found a good reason?
God: Ahh a salesman. Great, perfect. Hit me with your best pitch, Mr. Lowman.
Rhon: Can I discuss this with my friends?
God: Certainly, By all means, take your time.
God rises from his seat with a grunt and joins Death and Tammy behind the table. The rest go join Phil on the couch
Rhon: What are we going to say?
Liz: Tell him Tammy's life was horrible and that she deserves a break.
Jen: Tell him that we could trade some of Corina's hair for Tammy. Or a leg. What are your legs insured for now Corina? Three, four hundred thousand.
Corina: Like shut up!
Rhon: Or maybe we could just bribe death?
Dr. Segal: Cheat him, lie to him, bribe him. Sure, what the hell, hahaha. The whole shebang. Bring her to her knees in negotiation. Tie her up in litigation. Appeal her rulings then jump bail with our Tammy in hand. Hahahah.
Liz, Rhon, Zoe Tom: Shut up Segal.
Jen: To Tom You shut up.
Tom: To Jen No you shut up.
Jen: Why do I hate you so much?
Tom: Talking through clenched teeth Why must I talk through clenched teeth whenever I talk to you?
Jen: Why...
Tom: If only...
The two of them lean into one another and start kissing
Phil: Two weeks. Two weeks I planned...
Liz: This is never going to work.
Rhon: We will have to make this work, figure out some loophole never thought of.
The group come together heads close like they are making plans hands waving and pointing. Death, God and Tammy seem to be in a deep conversation as well. Pointing to the other group. Lights start to fade as music plays up.
End Of Act II
Act III
On one side of the table is God, Tammy and death. God and death standing on either side of Tammy who is sitting in the middle seat.. On the other side Tom, Phil, Liz, Rhon and Corina standing. Jen and Tom have moved to the couch and pawing each other. The TV playing old family 8mm home movies in silent mode.
God: I see you have a couple of non-players on your side. Gestures at Jen and Tom Never-the-less, we should do this properly. Everyone, this is Death, Gladice. God points as he introduces each one to Death. This is Rhon, Liz, Zoe, and Corina, Phil and Martha. Oh of course you, know Dr. Segal.
Dr. Segal moves across stage towards Death. He sticks his hand out to shake her hand then pulls it away
Death: Yes, Dr. Segal, I know your work well. Rhon, a Lovely boy, Liz. Liz there are some pianos in the great beyond that you will simply love.
Tammy: To Liz Sorry I didn't get to talk to you tonight, but that CD you loaned me is on the cabinet by my bed. You can get it back whenever...
Liz: Aren't you scared?
Zoe: Like of course she's scared. I mean, She's like dead.
Corina: I'm not sure I understand all this.
Dr. Segal: You don't have too, dear.
Tammy: Actually, I'm not scared. Death told me about where I am going and everything and it sounds nice. And I did put on clean underwear today so we can take the express route. Anyway, I had a huge Visa Bill. Hehe. So all is good.
Dr. Segal: Hahahaha Good one.
Rhon: Coughs into his hand Ummmm.
God: Yes, yes, our salesman. Gladice, these young people would like to discuss the removal of their friend from this earthly plane. If that would be ok with you.
Death: Checking her wrist watch We really haven't the time. I wish we did.
Liz: Yelling I don't think its fair you are taking Tammy.
Zoe: Yeah, Like her life sucked and you're, like taking it away from her early and it's wrong.
Dr. Segal: Well spoken.
Zoe: Go to hell.
Corina: Maybe I could do work or something.
Death: Now, now, my children.
Rhon: Okay. Let's take this back one step. Calmly, Calmly. Tammy is our life long friend, ok? Everyone nods. And she has had a pretty horrible life. If something could go wrong it would. By far the most unluckiest person I have ever known. It was like watching someone being tortured slowly. There has to be a better way to do this this ending I mean.
Tammy: Well, it did have its moments.
Rhon: But it wasn't that great. I mean, your parents, your living conditions, your poor, poor luck.
Tammy: You make it sound like I should be happy to be dead.
God beams a big smile
God: You're losing your defendant.
Rhon: Tammy I don't mean it the way you think. What I mean is you deserve to have a little luck fall your way. A chance to turn it around a second chance. And bottom line Tammy we want you with us.
Tammy: I kind of like this dead thing. It's tingly.
Rhon: Tingly?
Phil: Why did she have to die at my party though?
Death: It's that easy isn't it? Someone snaps their fingers and someone is dead. There is no research in this no analysis. My team of professionals...
Phil: Phhhhh
Death: Who work very hard.
Phil: Phhhhhhh
Death: Very hard to get everything organized. Okay what is it Phil? Is there something you would like to tell us? What is it?
Phil: Absurd!
Death: Absurd?
Phil: Does no one else find this absurd?
Death: There is nothing absurd about this, young man. This is a very serious business. Where is he going?
Phil moves away towards the TV and just stares at it.
Tammy: Listen you guys, I don't know why this happened, well I do it was the Crab, but what I mean is this is bigger than me. More important than all of us. I feel like This means something and what I thought was bad luck or sadness or even loneliness, was teaching me something that I needed to learn. I may not understand all the nuances but I feel like for the first time. What I do matters. If you think about it, I will get to see my mom and dad, right Gladice? Gladice Nods her head yes and to me that's a greater gift than anything I have here right now at this time.
God: Okay folks, time to jump in for a bit here. What I want to mention is that what you are forgetting is that Tammy does not have a choice. Her life was designed this way for a purpose. It was all to teach her for the moments to come. She was being trained to take over for Death. In time she will have the compassion and the grace to help people cross over. Her training started before she was born. Everything she needed to be was planned out every second in time. Tammy nods like she understands and accepts this idea with a smile.
Rhon: What about free-will. You were pretty hip on that before.
God: It's all part of a system. Systems do not change at the drop of a hat. Everything has a function to the overall purpose.
Dr. Segal: Devil's advocate here for a second. You tell us all about you, the almighty, your work. Ect, ect. Then you introduce us to you organizational skills. Aka this free-will deal. What, in effect, is a program set in motion to do your work for you while you were elsewhere. Taking a nap and such. Correct? Right, then you introduce us to Gladice who you inform us, is part of a system as well. You can't believe in two systems of thought. You either believe in free-will or fate. Both can't exist. And, whoa is it just me or are there some things here that no longer make any sense?
God: This is getting out of hand. I know I made the rules, but I made them a long time ago and now I cannot recall the sensibility behind them all right now. Searching his pockets
Rhon: You're contradicting yourself now.
Dr. Segal: Now I was never a lawyer but I did go out for Law school before I became a doctor and I must say that...
God: Giving a stern look finger up Tammy serves a better purpose dead than alive.
Dr. Segal, Rhon, Liz, Zoe, Corina, Thom, all at once, after a slight pause, say But, Then fire questions fast then they pair of slowly mock talking to each other
Rhon: An infinite universe. Indeed, But what if is flat? And what if something created it which we can't even fathom. Something outside of cumulative reality than the God we know? Of even stranger what if we are just senescence stuck on an event horizon. On the edge of a Black hole? Existing only for a nano-second, but time being relative we exist for trillions of years before our reality is destroyed by another dimension. An mathematical nominally. Mistake by happenstance.
Steps aside
Liz: There is so much beauty in the world. But there is so much hatred and violence. How can I believe or not believe?
Zoe: Do we need to know?
Corina: If there is a god, and I’m a saying if, what will it think of us? We inject plastics into ourselves, we pierce our bodies and we plaster them with ink. We shave off bits here, suck out fat there. We don't consider ourselves or others in eight out of ten actions. Or we don't care. I can't believe because too many of us don't seem to care.
Tom: From the couch, unattached himself from Jen For the moment my belief is strong.
Jen: My will is strong.
Phil: I believe. How could I not. But it's like my party. God created this thing, this world, these existences, and then everyone ruined it on him.
God: Stop! Silence!
Lights strumming in the background all actors go to speak but find they cannot, they open and close their mouths like fish on land, god does circles at the centre of the stage like he's in deep thought and concern
God: I came here with the idea of teaching, showing people the problems which exist and possible solutions. And, again, to prove some things to myself. I mean, I had that Job fellow awhile ago, but what did that prove? You need to keep testing and testing and testing till you find a weak spot. The spots where the light gets in and you patch them up. You make them stronger. You make them better. Thicker, Darker, more resilient. But I wasn't expecting all these questions. Or all these people with all these problems. All self-centred, petty little people have confused me. I mean, what am I supposed to do with them? What am I supposed to say? What am I supposed to say?
Lights have a soft dim not full, spot light on God, he walks to the front of the stage puts his hands to cover his eyebrows to look out to the audience, to stop the glare.
God: Rhon, Rhon Grenon. Are you out there?
Out in the audience is the director of the play Rhon Grenon. On each side of hims is an AD cute with pens in her hair and a clipboard. On the other is a model like woman Possible Girlfriend. Super classy, snobbish air about her.
Rhon: Right here God.
Rhon the actor on the stage pipes up and God turns around to answer him then turns back into the light searching the audience.
God: Not you, you fool. You're not even real.
Phil: What does he mean you're not real? You've come here and really ruined my party. You've drank my wine, filled yourself with my Doritos.
Rhon: Yeah, I ate his Doritos. I'm real.
God: SHHHH! None of you are real. Rhon I know you're out there!
Rhon G: Yes God what's up? Stands up
God: What is going on here Rhon? Apparently I am God And have ultimate control over the universe. Right? I don't get it, where were you going with this?
Rhon G: I was trying to show ideals and obedience with conformity and such do not necessary guarantee a good life. Or a good afterlife, whatever the case may be.
Rhon: Who are you?
All the cast walks to the front of the stage, stay in character, they stand beside God. Do what you thin your character would do but silently
Rhon G: I'm you but real. Look forget it.
Rhon: He's telling me to forget it. Gestures to the other actors Forget it, he's me, But real. No problem, right, Rhon No problem.
Rhon G and God: Please be quiet. Timing Is very important here they must say it together perfectly
God: Rhon, what are you going to do about this play? It has seemed that it has spiralled out of control.
Rhon G: Well, I had a god handle on what was going on until people started shouting at one another. But that was all planned, in away, as it was, but now…
Jen removers herself from Tom walks to the forefront to face Rhon G.
Jen: So, You're God? This is our friend Rhon, And this guy here points to the Rhon G is the real Rhon who created us all and, of course, we are all just characters in a play? Well, then none of this would matter... That's it I'm leaving, are you coming Tom.
Tom: I, I don't think so Jen. No, Not this time.
Jen: Looking angry Fine! Have it your way. I'm sick of you and this dumb group anyway. And just so you know I'm glad this is over. I wanted to end it a long time ago Tom. So screw you!
Jen runs to the front of the stage jumps of and storms of through the audience and out the back door
Rhon G: Calm down everyone. It's okay. She can go. I wrote that scene in to get her to leave. I wasn't a big fan of her character anyway. I think I wrote her to pushy. That's why she gets hit by a car now.
From the back of the theatre doors open, you hear the long screeching of tires and a hard body thump. Hit by car, Out back have a team of make -up artist ready to bandage her hun give her bruising and deep wounds.
Tom: WHAT?? NOOO, NOT JEN!! Runs after her in hysterical After Tom leaves out the back
Rhon G: See, now he's all distraught and horrified. Now he has real emotions. Now he feels.
God: Is that what this is all about then?
Zoe: Okay. Like, what was that? I'm bored and confused and freaked right out and I have things to do tomorrow, I wanna leave too.
Rhon G: No, Zoe you still have a love interest. And what is this all about? This is all about Said quickly The conceptual reality within the confines of a subversive universe, will only express the complex level of benevolence that a higher manifestation of God Transfers. But we colour our realities in deep conjecture of patronizing subtle passions. I created you, God, with a reality which transgresses all boundaries. There is no logical process or grounds of functionality that readies the mind in a state of perpetual grandeur. With willingness to explore we touch the spiritual bond of life and we express as well as experience the differences that enumerate the belief of something bigger than we are.
God: Uh-huh.
Pause
Zoe: Like really, A love interest? For real? Okay I'll stay.
She sits on the edge of the stage looks out pick a cute none actor in audience and flirt with the person. Try to convince him/ her to come and chat and eventually on stage. At this point the food crew will start to move food in slowly and quietly on the side of the audience
Rhon: It wouldn't actually be for real though would it? If we are just actors and all in a play?
Rhon G: Don't get bitter now Rhon, whos to say what is real and what instinct. How do you know if I'm just and actor playing a part in a bigger play or reality. It could be endless.
Rhon: I have my own mind. I am real.
Rhon G: I can prove you're not.
God: Here we go.
Rhon: Okay, Go ahead.
Rhon G: Think of a Number between zero and one hundred.
Rhon: Okay got it.
Rhon G: Forty-two
Rhon: Uh-uh... No. uh.
Rhon G: Yes it was.
Rhon: Clenching his teeth as he says it Fine it was!
Rhon G: Go sit down big boy.
Rhon G and Rhon Sit down at the same time in the same pose.
Rhon G: Carry on with the play now. We'll talk , After the show.
*** Ref. 58 PG
God: Wait. So if you created me then I am not god?
Rhon G: That's not true at all. God is the ultimate power in the universe according to some. I can't Create God. Only God Can create God if God even exists. Which I can't prove... or disprove. I just wanted to challenge people's thinking. That's all. People are so damn set in there ways sometimes. I mean, don't people want to see different things? Different views? Visit a concept they never experienced before? Life is about experience and all the times we can see things differently, added to a whole of who we become.
Zoe should at this point should have dragged someone up to stage to come and get food. Other audience plants should be making there way up trying to bring someone with them
God: So I am God.
Rhon G: Yes
Phil: I want you to know mister, whoever you are. Pointing to Rhon G in the audience That I know who I am and I am not a character in a play. I am a man who spent a great deal of time putting together a party which has been, for all intensive purposes. The cast Laughs at him I have parents and a pet, and a woman here who... more laughter What are you guys laughing at?
Rhon G: Look Phil. None of this, is in the play. Now I put a lot of time into this play and would really appreciate it if you would, you know, follow the script.
Phil Stares out into the audience. The light goes to his eyes as god turns back to the party. Phil stares for a moment then turns around and sits back down at the table. With his head in his hands he yells
Phil: LINE!
Guy with a cue-card steps out from the side and shows it to Phil so the audience can see it
Cue-card guy: So you are the creator of the universe then. And this is all a joke.
Phil: In a tired and defeated voice So you are the creator of the universe, God. And all this is an elaborate joke and laughs hard and long But me, I've been planning this party for weeks now and nobody seems to care.
God: No Phil It's all real. You've done a great job. But I think that maybe this is what I've worried about all this time. I guess the world is doing ok and As the side tables of food and drink get placed food crew get slightly louder, not as careful. Talking saying is it ready improve at this point. Ask people closest if they want a drink or a bit to come and get it. Actors on stage will have to compensate at this point that people do look out for one another every so often and that in the long run will all do fine. Right Rhon?
Rhon: What's this God?
God: Not you. Quiet voice Rhon. Rhon Grenon. I'm a little worried. I'm a little scared how does this all end?
Silence from the audience
God: Softly Mr. G? How does this all end? The party.
Rhon G: Louder God, we can't hear you!
God: How does this all end?
God pauses no one says anything, makes his way slowly with Tammy and Death. They all leave out the front door
Phil: What was that?
Rhon: Huh?
Liz: Where were we?
Zoe: What was that?
Dr. Segal: We have just witnessed something miraculous.
Rhon: What was it?
Liz: Yes, what ?
Phil: It's a pretty good party, isn't it?
Rhon: I've had a blast.
Liz: Are we purposefully not talking about God being here?
Phil: Who?
Rhon: Who?
Zoe: Who?
Dr. Segal: Who?
Liz: Okay. Who?
Phil: Much better. Welcome to my party. There are more people to come, I welcome you all with open arms. I think. We'll just wait and see what happens next.
Party Continues this will grow from page 58 any free hands will join on stage at this point and help pull friends and family up or to tables on the side lights will finally rise full in the audience. But will happen slowly from page 58. so subtle you cant notice it should take about 7 minutes till full. All Chartres even ones that left will come back and join in the fun. Make small talk, engage people full talking now, normal voice. Some will dance and lots of laughter. Create a real party. The goal is to make an amazing transition into real life., the goal is to have no one clap no ending to the play. All behind the scene crews will join now eat, talk about the play enjoy the success of what has happened and let go of the reality that has been created. If we do this right we will blur the lines and will give the audience an experience of a lifetime. Thank you for all your hard work and bask in the wonderful thing you have created
One last thing as the music plays God will read “New.” As long as he wants. A key style writing that challenges the way you think. Join the party when the timing is right for you
God: It isn't love, but it is better than nothing. As monsters run wild inside of me. I can feel your soul. But the question is. If dimensional shifts are a real construct of a multi-verse, and all possibilities are real. Then it lends itself not only to experience all aspects of love and loss. But as prophets say, to be everyone in every situation and experience all realities. Maybe the true nature of love is the sadness of what we already know to be true. And that is to hold on to hope. That in this moment of fleeting desire we seek it to be different than all realities that we have witnessed before. Or maybe it's just dumb luck, and being stupid with the choices we make that end up breaking the continuity necessary to find that one willing to work as hard as you do to make love last...
Is that the meaning of existence?
Do you think I can see your soul?
Do we choose what to forget?
Are you the answer to the question I have asked all my life?
Forgotten along the way no place is safe for us to lay our weary head. Two hearts beating. Is this all we know? I tell you now we are not ready for the truth. As far as I can tell we hide from what is offered all around us. Every part of the world is angry at what is to come. But high with our heads in the sand as a fee is paid to crazy... Raise the Goddamn alarm, both middle fingers raising to the sky. One question we haven't been able to answer yet is how do we break the chains of capitalistic greed? Enslaving all that buy into a system of empty promises and high hopes. Since when do we allow corporations to decide in the matters of love, freedom, free-will, ideas, health, science, passions, morals, values, environment and life? A marketing wet dream of sheeple walking doe eyed into the grinder. Homogenized pale realities swallowing one red pill at a time. Laughing the whole way loudly, blinders on, crying inside, screaming for sweet release. How can I explain the infinite to you if we can't grasp the lack of survival we seem to adapted to without a touch of nature.
Feather touches the mind of entropy, brushing utopia around the corner. Ideas and ideals brought forth by constant thoughts hell bent on saving humanity. As the masses fight tooth and nail to destroy all that we know. A collective autistic nature, allowing institutions to lead us down a path of paranoia and greed. Selling phantom pocket ringtones, created in the cerebral cortex a basic animal instinct to be sold bought controlled keeping us further from our true self. Keeping us yearning for connection, even if its forgotten in the depths of time. Warning signs of cold nights to keeps us safe and alive. Are we getting better generation after generation? Right now we seem to collectively want a reset but don't know how to accomplish this task. A hard reboot. But the system has grown past anyone's self control. We hope that religion will guide us to the next time. Laughing that this is the start of the road to ruin. Fulfilling the prophecy that we decided long ago that we do not want to be here any longer.
How is it possible that the masses have decided this delusional state of mind? Willing to challenge life itself to its very core. Does cancer know of its existence? Manipulation of idol passive conquests. Steer us into non-reality voids. Painting colour apon colour. As our perception gives way to chaos. Disintegrating terror gives us hope that we are not sheep that we really are. Safety in anxiety of a world gone mad, we have watch all empires fall.
Wheels grinding , screeching and folding as humanity is perforated into bite size portions. Fed miss-information, lies and miss-steps. Taking us to the brink of loss.
Two minutes to twelve...
Extinction grows closer…
Pockets of us see a clear path a picture if you will. How to wake us up to survive. Answering questions on how to build on what has been destroyed. The more we hold on to our own reality and try to control it. The more we lose control of the awesome nature that life it self has to offer. We have to start to understand our nature. The will to feel what is real all around us. Seeking those moments of clarity wrapped in a soft blanket and a warm hot chocolate. Mother is coming folks. She is waking up. She will set us straight once again. On a paths of balance one way or another she will show us what her truest self is. Holding our hand like impetuous children we are. Time out, nose in the corner, looking over our shoulder waiting for the punishment to end. But my dear reader/ listener. I paint an easy picture in your head. If we pick our fight now...
If we wait. We will see the witch rise and all hell will break loose. A wash of fury that not one human in the existence of humanity has ever seen. It will be a cleansing like no other. There will be no record to keep. Now idols to worship. Not one person will be safe. Some may survive, some may even grow. But not like now. Time will have wiped the memories clean. You know I'm right. Think about it my friend. Inside you is the actual light of the universe longing to know itself.
It isn't love, but it is better than nothing. As monsters run wild inside of me. I can feel your soul. But the question is. If dimensional shifts are a real construct of a multi-verse, and all possibilities are real. Then it lends itself not only to experience all aspects of love and loss. But as prophets say, to be everyone in every situation and experience all realities. Maybe the true nature of love is the sadness of what we already know to be true. And that is to hold on to hope. That in this moment of fleeting desire we seek it to be different than all realities that we have witnessed before. I once heard, dreaming of what the world has taught me about love. Soothing complex fears wrapped in a neatly, tight, red ribbon. In that vision of truth. Don't ever question the deep burden I carry for you. My passion for you encompasses all. Let the dimensions cry for sweet release. It has given us the only way we can be who we need to be. Can it be as simple as you expect it to be? Passions remembered. Never giving up, never willing to fall. Making sure that all left behind will learn the lesson of true love. Beyond all expectations, beyond all hope. It isn't love, but it is better than nothing. I once heard. Dreaming of what the world has taught me about love. As monsters run wild inside of me. Soothing complex fears wrapped in a neatly, tight, red ribbon. I can feel your soul. In that vision of truth. But the question is. Don't ever question the deep burden I carry for you. If dimensional shifts are a real construct of a multiverse, My passion for you encompasses all. And all possibilities are real. Let the dimensions cry for sweet release. Then it lends itself not only to experience all aspects of love and loss. It has given us the only way we can be who we need to be. But as prophets say, to be everyone in every situation and experience all realities. Can it be as simple as you expect it to be? Maybe the true nature of love is the sadness of what we already know to be true. Passions remembered. And that is to hold on to hope. Never giving up, never willing to fail. That in this moment of fleeting desire we seek it to be different than all realities that we have witnessed before. Making sure that all left behind will learn the lesson of true love. We are the grandest illusion ever created. Beyond all expectations, beyond all hope. Stepped in, time is up, here we go! Feel the wind on your face, the sun in your eyes. Blue all around you. Paradise found.
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The Quantum Virus - Final Victory
Chapter One
Four andalites, with two missions. One sort of secret, the other extremely secret. Two did not even know about the extremely secret one, but what are you gonna do?
Yup, it's me, Marco. I am probably the last person who should be telling you how this all went down but I might as well include my perspective right? After all I don't want to be remembered in the history books as the monkey boy who didn't have anything to do or say.
And yes, future bored kids reading textbooks will call me monkey boy. You can't convince me they won't.
Anyway, the andalites showed up. At first we were all like "oh ---- yeah, we're saved" cause we thought they were here to actually save our butts right? Wrong. This was a one-way mission to take out the head of the invasion of earth. They were gonna kill Visser Three. Which is cool I guess, good luck with that. Can't wait to meet the new Lord of the Slugs- that's not copyrighted, right?
But they fail pretty hard, Visser Three survives, and that is when we find out about their super duper secret master plan whipped up by the biggest nerds in the andalite species. That's right, weapons of mass destruction! One of the few horrors of war me and my ragged fellow animorphs have not been on the receiving end of. Yet. Right now it looks like that might change, but... We can talk about it later.
So, you know what a Quantum Virus is. You don't need me to explain it. (Not to mention I am not at all sure what it is.) But a couple of the andalites sneak into the yeerk pool complex (one of the worst places to sneak into I might add) with the plan of dropping an anti yeerk virus into the liquid of the yeerk pool. Problem is, it might kill us humans too. Thanks Mr Andalite! Boy do I appreciate you gambling my entire species like that.
Me and this (honestly kind of cute) andalite girl sneak down there too, with a plan to stop the andalite guy who has the virus. But we were just a little too late, he drops it into the water and chaos ensues.
At first, for like a few seconds, it is all normal. (in that horrible, yeerk pool sort of way) Then, an alarm goes off. An another. Apparently yeerks are dying in the pool so fast that nobody is even sure how many are dead so far. Distress signals are transmitted into holograms, brought up straight from the yeerks in the pool. What is bizzare is, nothing looks any different. If not for the yeerk technology I would have no idea if it worked yet or not.
So like a minute later... The yeerk pool is just, dead. There are no live yeerks in it left as far as the yeerks outside of it can tell. Nobody seems to know what happened or why except for us obviously. Everybody is panicked, a hork bajir says something about the Visser, I assume warn the Visser or get the Visser. All the hosts start getting packed into cages. But while that is happening, the controllers start screaming and clutching their heads. They start losing control of their hosts. I play along too, screaming and holding my head and thrashing on the floor like an idiot. Maybe I even overplayed it because I got some funny looks but it didnt matter because none of the controllers were in a state to fight anyway. The hosts start getting away, and helping each other get out. More and more controllers succumb to the virus. It is slower than in the pool, but over the next five to ten minutes all the controllers are free from their yeerk masters. Still none of them know what happened but human and hork bajir alike are going as fast as they can to free each other. Me and everybody else get the hell out, I still pretend I am a freed host like the rest to not draw attention to myself.
So that is how my Tuesday went, how about yours? Did you catch the whole thousands of people claim they had an alien living in their head thing? Did you see the helicopters fly over my town? Did you hear about the NASA explorers who got shot by hunter-killer robots while trying to analyze the yeerk pool facility?
That was just two days ago. We haven't heard from the Chee but I am guessing they will let us know how things are going for the yeerks in space or if Visser Three actually survived.
I am guessing he did. That slug is practically a cockroach. And I know a thing or two about cockroaches.
Well, I am still alive so I guess the virus does not kill humans after all. Yet, anyway. Me and the other animorphs have been spending time with who makes us happy. For me, that is Estrid. Can we talk about Estrid instead? Yes we can, because I am the one writing this log.
Estrid, is brilliant. And funny. She's got all the charm of Ax but even more unfamiliar with earth stuff. It's almost nostalgic to hang out with her. Like when Ax was first trying to do things with us. Except unlike Ax, Estrid is a cute alien girl. And holy moly I swear on the sixth season of Buffy being good that she likes me. She likes my jokes. She doesnt laugh at them, but she likes them IN A WAY. That is more than any human girls would say.
"Estrid, that is not food. That is a video game controller."
"I know it is not food, I am not stupid! I am putting. ting. In my mouth so that I may impress. Press. Immmmm. Press. You."
I laughed a bit at that. "How is that supposed to impress me? I'm curious."
"I saw a picture of a human on a computer. Pooter. Who was female and put one of these in her mouth. All the males seemed very happy with her, based on my analysis. Sis. Of the text based responses. Text is a cool word."
"Text is a very cool word. But I don't want your spit on my games, please."
Estrid smiled at me in her human morph. Her eyes twinkled mischievously. "Where, then, do you want my spit? Spi-tuh."
That took me a little by surprise. I felt my cheeks flush slightly. "How much time have you spent on the internet for the last two days?"
"Seven hours, nine minutes, and forty-three seconds."
"That was rhetorical."
Estrid smiled more at me. "I know."
God, I am crushing hard on this alien right now.
She put the controller on the coffee table and stood up. "Marco, the wireless entertainment device was unsatisfactory to taste. Let's go eat something?"
"Estrid we just--okay." how can I say no to her? She is going to eat me out of house and home, I swear. Worth it though. Dad may not agree.
We go into my kitchen, and start looking for more for her to eat. We don't really store a lot of food here. She ate most of the light snacks. All of MY snacks in particular. Still worth it. I had to resort to bringing out my secret candy stash to deter her from eating my dad's stuff.
Estrid began chomping down chewy peanut butter candies, pausing only to chug some soda. She immediately figured out earlier how to open a soda can. I didn't even have to explain it, and she says they don't have lids like that on the andalite world. Estrid is just so smart that she can easily understand alien technology. She keeps beating me in all stragety video games. Actually can we delete that last sentence? And can we add that she repaired a computer someone threw out that was so broken it wouldn't come on? And rigged up her own internet receiver without having to pay a dime? Thanks. Estrid is incredible, maybe she can give me fast and free internet next.
Tomorrow we are going to go on an actual date. Our first one. Let's hope this doesn't turn out like some kind of romantic drama cliché.
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Seven
Category: Wrath
Rating: K+/T (saying T just to be on the safe side because of some language)
Length: One-shot
Summary: Seven times Ron’s temper makes itself known - in one way or another - because Hermione is in his life.
one.
Merlin, she’s insufferable. As if it isn’t enough that she seems to always pop up when she’s least needed, like when he and Harry are on their way to a midnight duel with Malfoy (not that anything came of that, but still) or turning up on the train to tell him he’s got dirt on her nose. This girl is everywhere, there when he’s not ready for her, there with her bushy hair and impossibly bossy voice and an attitude that could fill the Great Hall, and of course, of course he gets paired up with her and not Harry, or Seamus, or even Lavender Brown.
“You’re saying it wrong,” she tells him haughtily, and he tries his best to be polite and not roll his eyes. So he’s not as good at magic as his brothers or Professor Flitwick over there or even Harry. She doesn’t have be so rude about it, she doesn’t have to make him feel like he’s something stuck to the bottom of her shoe. The heat rises in his face and he can’t believe it, but he sort of wants to break something. Normally he has a better grasp on his temper, and this is just school, after all, but she’s just so unlike anyone he’s ever met before.
“You do it then,” he snaps when she’s finishing detailing every little thing he did wrong in his attempt at levitating a feather, “if you’re so clever.”
And of course she does it perfectly, because, like she just had to tell them on the train, she already memorized all of her textbooks (not even Percy did that!), and Professor Flitwick is beside himself with praise for her. Ron wishes he were anywhere but here.
On the way out of class, he starts venting to Harry about it, knowing if anyone will understand, it’s him. “She’s a nightmare, honestly,” and he’s about to keep prattling on but Harry gets jostled as a small figure knocks into him and scurries away - a small figure, of course, with bushy hair and a rucksack packed with books.
His heart sinks; he didn’t want to be mean right back.
—
two.
Ron’s heart leaps into his throat as the words escape Malfoy’s lips: “filthy little Mudblood.” Suddenly it’s like his entire body is shaking because he knows that the Malfoys are terrible people, he knows that their families have entirely different views on how a pureblood wizard should conduct oneself and who to consort with and who, apparently, to fire disgusting insults at over what should have been a normal Quidditch practice. He remembers talking with his dad over Ginger Newts when he was seven years old because someone in Diagon Alley had called his parents blood-traitors and later he wanted to know what it meant. He remembers Dad, of course, in his own laid-back way, explaining that some wizards felt they were superior to others just because of their bloodline and how it was an awful way to see the world and how all human lives were worth just the same, and it was only by sheer coincidence that the Weasleys had stayed pureblood as long as they had.
And he thinks about it now, and how that tosser Draco Malfoy has just called Hermione the very worst thing he could possibly think of, and suddenly his hands are plunging into his robes. Ron knows it’s stupid, since his wand hasn’t been worth a damn since school started but he can’t just stand there and let this happen. Hermione’s his best friend (after Harry) and she’s better at magic than all of them combined and he just can’t let Malfoy get away with it.
The hex he thinks of is one he heard Fred and George discussing over the summer and as he points his wand at Malfoy, he’s not even sure it has a name and it’s probably - okay, definitely - not taught at Hogwarts but it’ll sure teach the git a lesson. Just as Ron’s about to speak the words, a jet of green light fires backwards into his stomach and sends him flying on the pitch. All the Slytherins are laughing and taunting him, jeering at poor blood traitor Weasley with his hand-me-down robes and broken wand, as Harry and Hermione rush over to check on him.
He spends the rest of the afternoon burping up slugs in Hagrid’s hunt and explaining to Harry just why that word is so repulsive and knowing that this isn’t the end.
—
three.
Lovely. Just what everyone needs, a double dose of Severus Snape; Ron is repulsed as he walks into Defense Against The Dark Arts, which he’s actually been enjoying this year, to see the greasiest professor to grace the corridors of Hogwarts behind the desk. And what’s he playing at, anyway, deciding to start the chapter on werewolves when they were just about to start the chapter on hinkypunks? Surely Professor Lupin wasn’t in such a bad way that he couldn’t leave a quick note on the desk about what everyone was learning, even though that’s Snape’s story. Though Ron supposes that even if he had, Snape wouldn’t bother to check for it.
Snape is extra Snape-like today, too, probably because he’s so excited to finally be teaching his favorite subject; he snipes at the group for no reason and deducts points from Gryffindor because Harry asked one question. Hermione’s being so Hermione about it, trying to tell Snape where they’ve left off, and of course he won’t hear a word of it and barks at them all to turn to page three-hundred ninety-four. Ron resigns himself to it, flipping through his textbook and wishing he had a way to speed up time. Professor Lupin had better get healthy quick, because Ron’s not sure he can tolerate this for the rest of the year.
As always, Hermione’s the only one even trying to answer questions, even though Snape’s looking at her like it enrages him that she’s daring to raise her hand in his class. Why even bother, then? Why even pretend to teach them?
“Please, sir,” she’s saying calmly, ever the prepared one in class, the one who already read the entire book and the one who’s actually trying to salvage this wasted lesson (Ron has started to doodle a mustache and glasses on the drawing of a werewolf in the book), but Snape cuts her off and begins berating her for speaking out of turn.
“Five more points from Gryffindor for being an insufferable know-it-all,” he declares, and Ron’s head snaps up. He’s not the only one shooting daggers with their eyes - the whole class looks ready to pounce - but his hands curl into fists as Hermione’s eyes lower to her desk and well up.
How dare he? How dare he?! He’s supposed to be their teacher, and the one person in class who’s actually trying to learn, he insults her? And it feels different, somehow, than all the times Ron has called her a know-it-all over Transfiguration essays because she knows that he’s her friend, that he actually thinks she’s completely brilliant. It’s never barbed like that, he never says it just because he wants her to shut up, and the words are erupting from his lips before he knows what’s happening.
“You asked us a question and she knows the answer!” he blurts out, noticing Hermione furiously blinking back tears. “Why ask if you don’t want to be told?”
It happens so fast: suddenly he has an up close and personal view of one Severus Snape, whose dark eyes glisten with vindictive glee. “Detention, Weasley.”
Worth it, Ron decides as he’s scrubbing out bedpans the Muggle way in the hospital wing later that night. Totally worth it.
—
four.
Stupid Viktor Krum. Who does this bloke think he is, anyway? He just shows up to Hogwarts, his name comes flying out of the Goblet of Fire and now it’s like everyone can’t get enough of him. Everyone, apparently, including Hermione, who’s deemed it necessary to not only come as his date but to dance up a storm with him all night. Just because he’s the most talented Seeker in the world, just because every witch in the castle has been fawning all over him for months, just because his dress robes probably cost more than Ron’s dad earns in a year, it doesn’t mean he’s worth going to this ruddy ball with.
Hermione looks so happy with him too, it’s sickening, he actually spins her around at one point during a fast song and they’re both laughing and Ron feels a heavy weight drop into his stomach. She isn’t supposed to here having fun with Viktor Krum, what would they even have in common, anyway? Hermione’s the smartest person Ron’s ever met but she doesn’t know the first thing about Quidditch. They can’t possibly have anything to talk about.
Padma Patil has long since given up on any hopes of Ron being a decent date and he really doesn’t care. He only wanted to go to this stupid thing in the first place because Harry’s required to go and he figured that if he, Ron, had to bring a date, well, Hermione made sense, didn’t she? Except, he always felt a bit funny about asking her, and then when he managed to - when Fred scared sense into him - he went about it in maybe not the smoothest way, and now she’s here with Viktor bloody Krum. It’s like she’s here with his, Ron’s, exact opposite, and the thought sets his insides on fire.
It feels like hours, but the damned ball actually comes to an end and Ron stomps off to the common room with the sole intention of never thinking about this night again, but Hermione’s there when he steps through the portrait hole, and she must not like his terse greeting because soon enough they’re screaming at each other. Her hair is falling out of its elegant knot and her face is twisted up in anger and as her words fly across the common room, Ron finds himself rendered speechless.
“Next time there’s a ball,” she tells him furiously, ignoring that Harry has just stepped into the common room and is shell-shocked and watching them, “ask me before someone else does, and not as a last resort!”
He can do nothing but sputter uselessly at her as she whirls off toward the stairs to the girls’ dormitory. She wouldn’t have actually wanted to go with him, would she? She’s just mad, she’s just saying things… right?
Or had he missed his chance?
—
five.
It’s his third stay in the hospital wing, but he’s still more accustomed to being a visitor rather than a patient, and it feels strange to sleep here surrounded by his friends, and even stranger to sleep in the same room as Hermione. She’s in the bed next to him, snoring just a little bit from the strength of the pain relief and sleeping potions she’s been given. The whole room is quiet and Ron’s mind is just racing because it all feels like it’s his fault and he wants to throttle himself for being so stupid. Why, why did he have to get himself hit by that ridiculous curse, the one that turned him into a giggling mess, into the sort of imbecile that summons bewitched brains out of tanks and nearly gets himself strangled to death with them. He was trying to protect Ginny and Luna by running behind them, but he should have insisted they follow Harry.
If he ever gets his hands on Dolohov… he can feel them shaking now, even though his arms still feel a little weak from the deep grooves that the brains left in his skin. He can’t believe he let her down, he’s supposed to be the one in their trio that protects the other two. They’re his best friends in the world, he’s supposed to look out for them, and instead he may well have been sloshed on Firewhisky for all the good he did. Somehow this always ends up happening, somehow he keeps trying to do the right thing but he messes it up somehow, and apparently being Gryffindor’s unlikely prefect hasn’t changed his propensity for letting Hermione down. If he’d been coherent he could have jumped in front of that curse, taken it for her, or taken Dolohov down before he even had the chance but all he’d been was dead weight, distracted, a burden.
Hermione rolls over in her sleep, now facing him, and the sight of her peaceful features sends another wave of self-loathing over him. She’s okay, but it’s not because of him, and while his heart pounds in his chest, its thrumming the only thing he can hear in the quiet hospital wing, he resolves to do better.
—
six.
“You were brilliant tonight, Ron,” Lavender coos, gazing up at him, her hands wrapped around his bicep.
“Er, thanks,” he replies, feeling as though he’s the furthest thing from brilliant, but if she thinks so, he’s going to let her. At least Lavender doesn’t believe that he can only play well if he’s hopped up on lucky potion, she actually seems to think the sun shines out of his ass and it makes for a nice change from Hermione’s utter lack of faith. Unlike Hermione, Lavender doesn’t invite him to Christmas parties solely out of pity (because it must have been pity and nothing more, right, if Hermione’s the sort of girl who can land Viktor Krum) and she doesn’t constantly critique him; she actually seems to like him.
He scans the room and he doesn’t see Hermione’s wild mane of hair anywhere, not that he wants to. He thinks back to how she’d acted in the locker room, how she’d been furious with Harry for slipping Ron the potion and then so incredibly stunned when she found out that he’d tricked everyone, that he hadn’t used any of the potion at all, that it was he, Ron, who had saved all those goals. Of course she wouldn’t have known, right, that he wasn’t always completely rubbish at Quidditch because last year she’d actually missed the one match in which he played decently. Not that he’d measure up to Viktor Krum, anyway.
“So,” he says as he turns to Lavender, about to ask her which Quidditch team she supports (and as long as she doesn’t say Tutshill, it’s fine) when her lips smash firmly against his and he feels like the wind is knocked out of him. He tries, after one stunned instant in which he becomes acutely aware that there’s about fifty people staring at them, to kiss her back, but it’s all just some messy tangle of lips and teeth and tongue and he hasn’t the foggiest clue what he’s doing and he really doesn’t care because, he realizes with a fresh wave of self-loathing, this is not who he really wants to kiss at all.
Ron pulls back for a second and uses the back of his hand to wipe the lip gloss from his mouth (it tastes like strawberries, though, so at least there’s that) as he spots the portrait hole swinging shut. Hermione still isn’t here, not that it surprises him that she’s gone. She always chooses to think the worst of him, never wants to believe in him, always sides with everyone else.
And it’s not like she’d rather he kiss her instead, anyway.
—
seven.
He’s going to explode out of his skin. This is a rage, a fury, an all-encompassing fear that he’s never felt before, and despite what they say about Gryffindors, Ron definitely gets scared sometimes but it’s never like this, it’s never made him like this but nothing has ever been this bad. This is his worst nightmare come to life and he’s stuck here, he’s just stuck and there’s nothing he can do but he’s still going to try everything. He’s going to try to Apparate without a wand (he’s heard it can be done, but it’s difficult and it’s risky, he could end up Splinching himself into a thousand little pieces but he’s still got to try), he’s going to pound on these walls because this is not happening again, he will not be some useless bystander while Hermione gets hurt. He still hates himself for walking out on them and he’s got to make it up to them, to her. He promised himself years ago that he will always protect her and he will, he has to, even with tears of anger and terror dripping through the grime and blood on his face.
She screams and he screams back, unable to help it, she has to know that he’s at least here, that he cares, that he hasn’t given up on her, that he won’t. And if he can get to her, there’s no telling what he’ll do. He’ll probably kill someone and they’ll probably deserve it, everyone up in that drawing room deserves to be torn limb from limb, and he’ll do it himself if he has to. It’s all he can think about: get to Hermione, get her to safety, destroy Bellatrix Lestrange, destroy the Malfoys.
It takes a miracle involving a house elf, a silver hand that turns on its owner, a decent impression of said silver-hand owner, and Harry stupefying Death Eaters with two wands at once, but they get away. Ron lands on his knees in the pebbled sand outside of his eldest brother’s house with Hermione, limp and unconscious and bleeding, on his lap. He presses his fingertips to her neck and oh, thank Merlin, she has a pulse, it’s weak but it’s there, and so he hoists her skinny frame into his arms and carries her to the house. She comes to after a few minutes and is well enough to attend Dobby’s funeral; Ron wraps his arm around her shoulders to support her, his mind a maelstrom of thoughts.
The night has sparked an incredible fury in him, but now it’s fury laced with determination, it isn’t frantic anymore. He can take it now and channel it and use it as his driving force. He’s no longer the insecure little boy who was annoyed because the girl sitting next to him in class was better at a spell than he was and wanted to make sure he knew it. Okay, he’ll admit that the insecurity is still there, sometimes, but he’s a man now. He’s grown up these past seven years and now his anger isn’t petty or laced with jealousy or self-hatred, it’s focused. He can’t believe this is the world he lives in, and he can’t let it go on, he won’t let this world try to stomp on the person who makes him happiest, who amazes him daily with her brilliance, who means more to him than anything.
They have to win this war; there’s no other way.
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