#fun fact: The Caduceus (two snakes instead of one)

[cheshirecat-syndrome]

Your call

[daniople]

hi OP i love your theory and agree with it wholeheartedly!! i just wanted to include in your post the fascinating detail that his first voice drama was titled 'Molech'

Molech (also known as moloch or molek) was a god whose practices were heavily associated with child sacrifice. with this in mind, im 100% sure you're right on the money with shidou trying to utilize the organs of his son to save his wife

his second voice drama is named 'Aesculapius' after the greed god of medicine. he is the origin of the symbol of the Rod of Asclepius, one thats often associated with shidou. (a fun fact is that shidou's birthday art actually features the incorrect rod! shidou's cake is drawn with the Caduceus, the magic wand of Hermes. it has two snakes instead of one and has no relation to medicine whatsoever but its a very common mistake)

Aescluapius was known as an incredibly proficient healer who could bring the dead back to life. it was for this that he was feared and slain by Zeus. i see similarities in how shidou's profession was regarded and how he, too, wishes to be slain. i think it aligns well with your observation with how japan generally views his medical practices.

Organ donation, compassion fatigue, and Japanese perspectives on brain death

I don’t think Shidou’s sin was actually a crime (as in, it was perfectly legal) and I’m going to explain why. This is essentially a very long Kirisaki Shidou Is Not An Organ Harvester post

To start: Shidou’s sin was convincing the families of braindead patients to donate their relatives’ organs. He confirms doing this in his T2 voice drama, and the way he words it makes it clear he thinks of it as murder. (He does say that this is only half of his sin, but we’ll get to the other half later.)

You know, I… continuously tried to persuade the relatives of braindead patients who were against organ transplants.

“In order to save the life of someone you don’t know, please let me kill your family member,” I told them.

It doesn’t even take much thinking to realize how cruel that is, but… I didn’t realize that until the very end.

Translation used: https://youtu.be/9xmokVJ-6x4?si=VgcIp5LCdNnUwqUW

Brain death is the irreversible, complete loss of brain function, meaning there’s no chance for a braindead patient to ever come back. Because of this, some people may feel that removing life support from a braindead patient doesn’t constitute murder. It definitely doesn’t constitute murder from a legal perspective, but it makes sense why someone might think of it as murder— especially in Japan.

Japanese perspectives on brain death

In evaluating Shidou’s case, we have to consider the cultural context within which it was written. Many people in Japan do not consider brain death as human death, and brain death cannot be declared without consent from the family and the intention to donate organs. In fact, braindead patients are not removed from life support until their heart stops beating. Shidou isn’t being dramatic when he frames his words as basically saying, “please let me kill your family member.”

Brain death is a very contentious topic in Japan—Doctors are put under scrutiny for declaring brain death and performing organ transplants. It’s important to know that in Japan, brain death only exists in relation to organ transplants. And only certain designated hospitals will do this. Even more so, if a person writes an advance directive asking to be taken off of life support in the case of brain death, doctors are not required to follow it. And many of them don’t, out of fear of the patient’s family lashing out at them.

Only in 2010 was Japan’s Organ Transplant Law revised so that organ transplants could be performed without prior consent from the brain dead patient (now only requiring consent from the family).

Here’s a couple of scholarly articles on the topic if you’d like to read more about it.

https://doi.org/10.1186%2Fs12910-021-00626-2

https://doi.org/10.1353/nib.2022.0019

Another very important facet of this discussion is how low organ donation rates are in Japan. To give you an idea, here’s a chart showing the per million population of donations after brain death (DBD) and donations after cardiac death (DCD) in a few different countries.

Sourced from this article, which has some other interesting statistics as well: https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tpr.2023.100131

As you can see, Japan’s rates are astronomically low in comparison to other countries. This helps to contextualize why Shidou had to try so hard to persuade families to donate, and why he later became extremely desperate when his wife’s life was on the line.

I’ve seen a lot of people confused about Shidou’s crime, and many speculations about him doing heinous things such as organ harvesting or purposefully botching surgeries—but I think this is because we’re approaching the case with a western perspective. As we know, many (if not all) of the Milgram prisoners represent a controversial social issue. Brain death is not nearly as divisive in western medicine as it is in Japan, so it’s easy to overlook the idea that all Shidou actually did was take organs from braindead patients. Perspectives on brain death in Japan have changed a lot in the past couple of decades, but it’s still quite controversial; because of this, I truly believe that this is the point of contention behind Shidou’s case, and there’s nothing more sinister secretly going on.

Compassion fatigue

Compassion fatigue is commonly thought to be the manifestation of secondary traumatic stress and burnout, caused by caring for others who are in stressful situations. This commonly affects people who work in healthcare.

I believe Shidou experienced compassion fatigue from working in the hospital, as he exhibits some of the symptoms—in particular, a reduced sense of empathy and a detachment from others.

I feel that Throw Down makes a lot of sense when you view it from this angle.

Lyrical analysis on Throw Down

Shidou expresses that he no longer remembers what it feels like to take away in order to give.

Pomegranates represent death in Greek mythology, and I believe that’s what they represent here too. Shidou has become desensitized to death; the pomegranate no longer has any flavor.

If it’s not needed, I’m not interested

Shidou only thought about what was physically necessary to keep a patient alive, and remained emotionally distant.

They’re dead either way, so it doesn’t really matter to him.

Now slowly close your eye, put your regret on display

Wish for being there for someone

With the same expression no matter who comes

This is the part that most makes me think of compassion fatigue—Shidou had difficulty expressing empathy for grieving families and had to fake it.

I don’t feel scared because I don’t know

Shidou didn’t understand what it was like to be in that situation. But now that it’s happened to him… he understands. And, looking back, he understands how unkind he had been about all of it. This is why he considers himself to be a murderer, why he truly believes that he has killed many people.

Ethics is a delusion

This is a line that definitely struck me as odd for awhile, but I think it makes sense in the context of his situation. His sin was not illegal—but is it ethical? That’s what all of this—whether you forgive him or not—hinges on.

The other half of Shidou’s sin

Going back to what I said earlier, Shidou’s sin wasn’t only convincing families to donate their relatives’ organs. His sin is also transplanting his son’s organs in an attempt to save his wife.

I believe that Shidou’s family got into a car accident, which resulted in his older child experiencing brain death and his wife being left in critical condition (and the younger child presumably died immediately). Considering the views surrounding brain death in Japan, it would have been difficult to find a donor, so Shidou became desperate enough to transplant his son’s organs. Since he’s the father, there wouldn’t have been any issues with receiving consent for the transplant.

Some people believe it’s the other way around—that he transplanted his wife’s organs into his son—but I believe otherwise, for multiple reasons.

In Shidou’s T1 voice drama, he expresses relief at the fact that his judgment is being determined by Es, who is a child. This makes sense if he feels that he killed his son.

Instead of being told by the law that I won’t be forgiven, I wanted a child like you, Es, to tell me that.

I feel sorry that you had to be given this role. And, I truly apologize for being so insistent about sentencing me to death as well… But, you’re perfect. You’ll give me the ending I’m most suited for.

Translation used: https://youtu.be/C4MiQ3V3YjQ?si=hPmlUkc6BfdcacNg

Additionally, a few scenes in Triage…

As stated before, I interpret the pomegranates to represent death. Shidou brings home three pomegranates, one for each of his family members. He later hands his son a price tag from the pomegranates—a representation of Shidou sentencing him to death.

And at the end of Throw Down, an organ tag falls out of the flower person. The name seems to read “Rei Kirisaki” and has XY marked, probably indicating that the donor is male.

Not to mention, it’s much more plausible for the flower person to represent Shidou’s wife rather than his son. When the person falls apart, there’s a shot of a red rose—the flower most known for representing romantic love—falling out of them.

Final thoughts and conclusion

To summarize: Shidou used to routinely try to persuade the families of braindead patients to donate their relatives’ organs. Despite that the prevailing thought in Japan is that brain death is not human death, Shidou did not think of it this way.

Shidou’s family later got into an accident; he transplanted his braindead son’s organs in an attempt to save his wife, but it was a failure, resulting in her death. This situation made him reflect on his past actions—he did not consider it murder before to discontinue life support on a patient, but now that he did it to his son, his perspective has changed. Everything he has done is within the confines of the law, but he is now burdened with immense guilt and thinks himself a murderer. Not just in regards to his son, but to all of the patients that he had pulled the plug on.

Side note: I don’t think having low empathy is inherently a bad thing (I have naturally low empathy), but in this context it would make sense for Shidou to feel bad about lacking empathy.

Side note 2: Shidou is a surgeon, so it is entirely possible he personally performed the transplant on his wife. Operating on family members isn’t illegal or anything, but is widely considered to be unethical and not really a good idea.

Well, that’s all I had to say—Feel free to either add on to this theory or debate me on it. This post ended up quite long, so thank you for reading!

[itsomgitsgreenblogging]

Let Me Hold You: A Critical Role Fanfic

I really have no excuse for this besides the fact that it was half-finished and I need to absorb the latest episode and figure out how to edit my current WIP to match up a little better with all the canon we've been getting. Also...like...I love Essek so much. We could have this. Caleb...it is your duty...level up the party. Just do it.

Enjoy!

Read on AO3

Warning: Explicit content

"For once, the anxieties...the fear...all of it felt so far away. Without those things, he barely even knew who he was. How did one define themselves without the things holding them back? It had to be with the things they desired. And all he desired was for Caleb to touch him, recklessly and like Essek would die without him. What did that say about him?"

“Oh Luxon,” Essek groaned as Beauregard laid him down on the floor. He was cold and dizzy, the sort of cold that came from continual blood loss. An ice shard in the leg would do that to a person, Essek thought. He hadn’t expected to die today, but he also hadn’t expected to run into an ancient white dragon either. 

“Caduceus!” Caleb shouted. There was an ugly looking bruise on his face from where he had been bashed against a wall, and his coat was half frozen. 

“I got him,” Caduceus said, voice calm and coming from underwater. There was the sensation of more pain, a rough tugging, and then blessed warmth and comfort. It had to have been his Goddess’ power rushing through his veins, pulsing against his ribs like something alive and growing. Essek’s breath came harsh and whistling in his lungs. Caleb was already handing him a water flask, and Essek gratefully swallowed the water. He cringed as he felt a pulling at his ribs, obviously whatever spell the cleric had used had been strong enough to heal him, but not completely. 

“We all alright?” Fjord asked, looking harried and frost bitten. 

“Well, we’re not fucking dead,” Nott grumbled, pulling an ice shard out from where it was impaling her bag. 

“That dragon was super duper not fun!” Jester nearly whined, splaying out on the floor like she was about to make snow-angels on the carpet. “Fjord you really ought to have married her, so that way she coulda loved us!”

“Uh, no. That is definitely not a plan that would work,” Fjord pointed out with a long suffering sigh. 

“Wow, Essek, I didn’t think it was possible for you to look pale. Dude, are you fucking okay?” Beauregard asked him rather astutely. 

“I feel still...a bit bloodless,” Essek admitted, managing to pull himself into a sitting position with Caleb’s help. Essek was surprised how warm Caleb felt, and how that warmth bled into Essek and made living almost become manageable. If he was less exhausted, Essek would have probably shied away from the touch. Even after everything, he still had that ghost in the back of his brain screaming at him to leave and to go home and to bury himself in a book and to not interact with another breathing entity for at least twelve hours. However, somehow, Essek found that in his exhaustion it was easy to overcome that. Especially since being in Caleb’s arms felt worth the whole near death experience. 

“Nott, ach! I am out of healing potions. Do you have any extras?” Caleb asked, and Essek could barely focus because his arm was around Essek. It was giving everything in Essek’s body not turn his head and bury himself into that embrace. 

“I think I do,” Nott said, rummaging around in her half-ripped bag. The goblin swore as things came tumbling out and she barely managed to catch them. She shoved two potions into Essek’s hands. Essek, still half-lucid and very hurt, opened them both and downed them like shots. As was usually the case, the taste of a healing potion hit him in the front of his tongue. The liquid was made of a cacophony of herbal bitter notes that had him cringing. However, strangely, something else...something floral caught his attention. 

Essek immediately felt better, as if a rush of energy and health had been breathed into his flesh. On his own strength, he was able to get up to his feet. He caught Caleb’s relieved smile, watched as it unfurled across his mouth. It was sweet and private and was just for Essek, and it made him breathless to think that he could ever be so lucky as to have seen that smile. Even battle hardened and bruised and dirty, Caleb was always a sight to behold. 

And then, immediately, his knees went weak. Caleb yelped as he reached out and managed to catch Essek before he collapsed completely onto the floor. His arms catching Essek’s, and half-hoisting him up. 

“Essek? Are you alright?” Caleb asked him, desperately searching his gaze. Essek couldn’t respond beyond nodding his head because his mouth was suddenly watering. Caleb’s scent was overwhelming through the strange fog in his mind. His canines itched to bite into the nape of Caleb’s neck and claim the exotic...pale...untouched skin there. 

No, Essek thought, physically shaking his head to rid himself of these inappropriate thoughts. This was not normal...in the sense that this had come on too quick. His thighs pressed together as just the sensation of Caleb’s hands on his arms made him half-hard. Yes, definitely not normal. There was something wrong with him. 

“What...did I drink?” Essek managed. 

“You drank a health potion and--” Nott looked at the second bottle. “Uh…” 

“Did he drink Rhino Sex?” Yasha asked, looking down at Nott. 

“You gave him what?” Fjord asked, sounding horrified. Jester nearly shoved a fist in her mouth to hold back giggles...and it didn’t work in the least. 

“It was just something I stole from an apothecary! Yeza said it was like, snake oil! It wasn’t supposed to work!” Nott shouted. 

“Oh Gods,” Essek groaned, a wave of strange dizziness hitting him again. He couldn’t even follow the conversation any longer. This time he gave into his instincts and buried his head against Caleb’s neck and shoulder, breathing in deep the smell of wood fire and male. He had to resist every urge in his body to rut against Caleb like an animal. There were others watching...and yet, it was becoming harder and harder to think about them. Besides, who cared if they were watching? Caleb was right here...was right against him and he wasn’t moving. It had to mean that Caleb wanted Essek as badly as Essek wanted him. 

For once, the anxieties...the fear...all of it felt so far away. Without those things, he barely even knew who he was. How did one define themselves without the things holding them back? It had to be with the things they desired. And all he desired was for Caleb to touch him, recklessly and like Essek would die without him. What did that say about him? 

Honestly, considering how hard he was and without any relief, he might die anyways. 

Distantly, Essek felt himself be half-carried and half-dragged somewhere. Suddenly Essek realized that he wasn’t pressed to Caleb any longer. Essek, fueled by his ravenous desire and desperation, found himself pinning Caleb to a wall. The kiss was bruising and filthy, and sent his hips bucking against Caleb’s. There was the distant slamming of a door, and then a bed hit the back of Essek’s knees and sent him toppling backwards. Caleb didn’t go with him, instead his eyes were bright and wild and a strange grimace was pulling at his mouth. 

“I’m sorry,” Caleb apologized, and it didn’t make any sense because he should have been kissing Essek instead of apologizing. “Jester and Caduceus are out of spells, this is all I could think to do.”

“Caleb, I need you,” Essek moaned, pulling at the clasp of his trousers and finally releasing himself from the confines of his pants. He arched as he grabbed a hold of his own cock, the sensation stronger than anything he had ever felt before. It was as if he had been on edge for days, teased until he simply could no longer take it. He had never understood the appeal of that, until right then, when even the brush of the covers against him made him wanton. 

“No,” Caleb said firmly, though his gaze was burning into his skin like the hottest glow of a flame. It settled upon his skin and made him whimper. 

“Why?” Essek pleaded, his hips stuttering into his own hand. He sounded debauched to his own ears, and in any other situation he would have just curled over and expired from the sheer embarrassment. But at this exact moment he didn’t give a damn.  “Caleb, I promise, I’d make it good...I’d make it so good!”   

“Work through this first,” Caleb said, softly, comfortingly. He reached out to brush his fingers against Essek’s cheek. Essek leaned against it, chasing the touch, and just that made Essek gasp with pleasure that wracked him down to his bones. “Then I’ll give you what you want.” 

An oil vial was pressed into Essek’s hand. Essek wasted no time. After all, it made perfect sense, Caleb wanted Essek to open himself up for him. Essek managed to open it with his shaking hand, before turning it over into his fingers and coating them. The slick slide against his cock was worth it, as was the feeling of fullness as he pressed inside himself. This. This was what he had wanted. Now all Essek needed to do was chase the feeling until he was ready. 

“Very good,” Caleb said, kneeling on the bed beside him. “You look beautiful like this, Essek.” 

Essek screwed his eyes closed. He was close. He was so goddamn close. Why? What was missing? 

"Please Caleb," he begged, trying to work in deeper, to press harder, but it wasn't any use. He needed Caleb so badly, entirely, desperately and he was right there. Essek could almost taste his scent, his kiss, his everything. Why was Caleb doing this to him? Why, when it was so obvious what Essek wanted? He may as well as been bleeding his feelings all over the floor for everyone to see. He was doing it again, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. Essek didn’t want to stop it, especially when it felt this good to be vulnerable. But if only Caleb would touch him it would feel so much better. 

"You are doing so well," Caleb promised, forehead pressed to his. "You are almost there, Essek. Be patient. Once this is over then we may give in to any of your desires." 

"Why?" Essek sobbed, tears welling in his eyes and thick in his voice. He moaned as another one of his fingers stretched inside of him, but his fingers weren’t enough. "Caleb, I want you so badly. I don't...I don't want to wait!" 

"Sh," Caleb soothed, cradling Essek's cheek. The sensation shooting through him and making Essek tingle. "Liebling, I want to watch you. You are so very beautiful like this. You wouldn't want to deny me that pleasure, would you?" 

Essek couldn't answer beyond a whimper, he was so close, so close. He was a thread ready to be snapped by  the tension. Caleb wanted to see him, and then he would fuck Essek. It made perfect sense now. He had to do this, and do it well, or else Caleb would withhold more of his glorious touch and that was something Essek simply couldn’t stand. 

"That's it," Caleb said, forehead tenderly pressing against Essek's. "Come for me, Essek. Let me see you." 

Essek broke over Caleb's words and the gentle soothing touch like a wave against the rocks. It was perhaps the most punishing orgasm of his whole life, and it left him light headed and strung out upon the bed. The strange fog in his mind that washed everything out in shades of desire was lifted, and everything crystallized into much more rational thoughts. He ran his tongue over his teeth, minding his still aching canines, before groaning at the utterly foul taste that clogged up his mouth. 

"Water?" Essek croaked, and Caleb immediately gave him a wineskin. He swished the water, gargled and then swallowed. Thankfully, he was rid of the awful stale taste in his mouth. He couldn’t help but stick out his tongue and shudder, causing Caleb to chuckle at his antics.

"How are you feeling?" Caleb asked worriedly.  

"Sticky…" Essek sighed, rubbing his legs together. The simmer of arousal was still there, but it was easier to think around. His thoughts were coming clearer and more organized, and at the moment he was choosing to simply not feel the warmth that blossomed across his skin. "Embarrassed."

"No, no need," Caleb promised him.

"Horny," Essek concurred, and despite everything this is what made Caleb blush. "As are you, I'm assuming." 

"I'm...I'm fine--" 

"No," Essek said desperately, wrapping his arms around Caleb's neck. "I'm open, and I want you so badly. Please, let me have you. I need to feel you inside of me, now."

“Are you thinking clearly?” Caleb asked suspiciously. 

“I could list every component in my bag in alphabetical order if it would make you feel better,” Essek offered, kissing Caleb’s neck--sucking and biting at the places that were open for him. He opened Caleb’s shirt, sighing at the feeling of them skin-to-skin. Finally, he thought as Caleb sighed into his embrace. “I just need you, Caleb.”  

 "Desperate," Caleb chuckled, and Essek raked his nails across skin, yanking at his pants to get them loose. 

"Yes," Essek admitted, finally getting his hands on Caleb. He moaned as he did. Caleb's cock was hot and pulsing against his fingers. He liberally coated him with the oil still wet on his fingers. "Oh Gods, get that in me."

"Surely I am nothing compared to what you have had before?" Caleb said, mouth kissing and sucking. "A beauty like you, you must have tasted pleasure greater than what I can give you." 

"No, no, I…" Essek gasped before spreading his legs. Caleb's hands were hot on the back his thighs. He felt Caleb press into him, the sensation so overwhelming that he nearly was thrown over the edge again. He would never forgive Nott for this. He was going to die. Caleb was going to kill him with his cock and Essek didn't care. "I haven't!" 

"No?" Caleb grunted as he sank in, Essek scrabbled at him trying to touch him. He needed to feel Caleb's weight as he reached so deep. Caleb caught his hand and pressed a languid kiss to Essek's palm. And Essek couldn't explain then, not when Caleb had him speared on his magnificent cock. Not when his brain was on fire from the arousal and the remnants of the magic coursing in his veins. Essek couldn’t explain that nothing in his life had ever felt like this. The Essek he knew was just a simple observer, distant and solitary like a star. His other brief, loveless relationships--his flippant couplings, nothing had touched his heart. But now he was rupturing. Caleb and his friends had broken through the walls of his heart--had passed through them like ghosts and now Essek couldn’t get enough. 

But Caleb didn't move. Essek attempted to buck his hips back--to get friction, relief, something! But it was no use. 

"Move!" Essek snarled and in his desperation for Caleb he had become transformed into a feral creature. His voice was almost unrecognizable in his own ears. 

"Of course," Caleb said, his voice warm and halting. It broke goosebumps out all across Essek’s skin as he held him down with ease. "But tell me--hn, you didn't answer my question." 

"Anything, anything! Just move, Caleb!”

"When others have had you, tell me, did you plead so prettily?" Caleb's asked before slowly his hips forward, and the drag of it, the overwhelming sensation made him breathless. Essek curled his legs around Caleb's hips to keep him from escaping. "Perhaps, ugh! Perhaps the potion, has no effect. Maybe you have always been so needy." 

"It just feels so good," Essek moaned as Caleb angled his hips and hit the place inside him that had him splintering with pleasure. "More! Don’t stop!" 

“Of course, anything for you,” Caleb gasped as he caught Essek’s mouth with his own, licking into it, and Essek tasted Caleb thoroughly. His fingers twisted in his hair, scratching at his back, as he tried to pull Caleb against him harder. He needed more, he needed all of Caleb. Essek needed Caleb to touch more of him, to touch him deeper, further, and harder than anyone else had ever dared to.  He wanted to crack open so that he could feel more. It was filling him up, like pressure--like the light of a full moon. And how could he contain that inside his body? 

“Please,” Essek begged, gripping Caleb because he would fall apart without him. Essek felt Caleb pulsing inside of him, and threw his head back with reckless abandon, baring his neck and everything inside of him. “Please, Caleb!” 

“Fuck!” Caleb groaned, “I’m close!” 

Essek’s hips were moving without his permission--and he was so close too. He was balanced on the edge of a knife and he couldn’t take it anymore. His second orgasm crashed through him, ripping a bestial keening noise out of his throat. Essek distantly felt Caleb’s hips snap harshly into his, felt the sticky warmth spread deep inside of him. Caleb rocked them through the aftershocks of their explosive lovemaking, before collapsing off of him. 

“Oh Gods,” Essek gasped as he finally managed to catch his breath, his chest heaving with the effort. 

“Are you alright?” Caleb asked, concerned, half-sitting up. Essek immediately caught him and pulled him down into another kiss. This time, it was deep and longing and felt like a breath of cool air. 

“If you consider recovering from the best sex of my life alright, then I suppose so,” Essek said, unable to help his cringe at the soreness of his hips as he tried to sit up. Almost immediately he felt thrumming of arousal rise once more. Caleb noticed it too, because almost immediately his thick calloused fingers curled around him and pumped. “Oh Gods above and below…my hips are going to break.” 

“Lay back down,” Caleb bid him. Caleb’s expression was tender as Essek traced the darkening marks upon his shoulder and neck. He then traced his mouth, catching on Essek’s nipple, eyes dark and longing as he continued to move down the length of his body. He tasted of Essek like he was starving, and only he could sate him. Essek wondered if maybe he had gotten a dose of the potion too, or if he was always like this. They had slept together before, and it hadn’t been like this. But were all humans so secretly and ravenously insatiable? “Rest...I’ll take care of the rest this time.” 

Essek was helpless but to agree. 

Essek tried to make his exit out of the Xhorhaus as quiet as possible the next morning after about three more rounds of mind-blowing sex and the deepest trance he had ever had in his whole life. Half of the reason for his sneakiness was so that he wouldn’t disturb anyone, but the other half was in order to preserve what little dignity he had left. However, seeing the other members sitting in the living room made Essek feel the kind of fear he had only ever experienced when the Bright Queen was displeased with him. Essek nearly turned around and went to go find a window to escape out of when Jester shot up. 

“Are you alright?” Jester asked. “I mean it sounded like you were better than alright but I’ve rested and can use a spell--” 

“Please,” Essek bid her. Thankful to all of the powers in the universe that the high collar of his mantle hid how...well...marked up he really and truly was. The last round had particularly punishing in that regard.  “Let’s...never speak of this ever again.” 

“So no head?” Beau piped up from the back. 

“I will eviscerate you,” Essek warned, the dull ache in his hips overriding all of his well-established niceties. “Don’t make me consider it.” 

“Are you gonna stay for breakfast?” Caduceus asked good-naturedly. 

Essek was about to answer that though he appreciated the offer, he would be able to find breakfast on his own at home where he could recover from his all night ordeal. And he was about to open his mouth to speak those words into existence when there was a distant thud and a swearing in Zemnian from down the hall. Nott gave Essek a thumb’s up, pat his arm, before disappearing down the hall to go investigate. 

“So...does someone need to go heal Caleb?” Yasha asked softly. Fjord sank down in his seat, looking mortified as Jester hid giggles into her hand. Beau began to whistle. 

Essek immediately pressed his hands to his face and tried not to scream.  

[freakcliff]

It wasn’t all at once, like Jester had always figured. 

In all the stories, the heroes defeated the big terrible bad guy, and then they all went back to their lives. Jester had always thought that the Mighty Nein would be like that, that they would defeat some big evil bad guy, like maybe a dragon, or one of those gross ball eye thingies with the other eyes that Beau had showed her in a book one time… 

Of course, she really should've figured that it wouldn’t go at all like the stories. She’d been adventuring for like, at least four years by then, when they’d started leaving. Veth was the first to go. Which was, fine. It was great, really! She had a whole family, and Jester knew how much they missed her, and she had a lot of money and stuff, so it wasn’t like she needed to make more of that… and Jester could still message her! In fact, she did it every day, for the first few weeks! And then every other day, cause Veth was busy. And then they had to fight that one kraken, and Jester needed to save spells, and well... she kind of sort of forgot to, after that. But it was okay, cause they still sent letters, and pastries! When they could.

It actually took Fjord dying three times before they all decided it was better that he, well, she didn’t want to say retired, but half-orcs aged a bit faster than humans did, and he’d been technically the oldest of them when they’d all met, and, well, no one wanted him to die again. Obviously. Jester just kind of sort of wished that Caduceus hadn’t insisted on going with him, cause then she was the only cleric left in the party! It had taken her a while to get used to having to prepare healing spells whenever they went into battle, instead of cool ones, like Control Weather. And she also kind of missed waking up every morning to Caduceus’s on-sea attempts at baking (he’d really actually gotten pretty good). 

He and Fjord had an entire orphanage to bake for now, so really, it was totally fine. If only they sent her more pastries… then she might be able to fill all the empty space left on the Ball Eater. The entire Nein (there were only five of them now) had felt the absence of their captain, too. Beau had to learn how to sail a ship, actually, not just repeat whatever Fjord said in a dramatic voice. It was Jester, actually, who had to do most of the dramatic yelling now. and even though it was actually really fun (she couldn’t believe Beau had been stealing that job for so long), it didn’t feel right. 

Jester always knew that Caleb and Essek would leave too, eventually. It really shouldn’t have been a surprise at all, really, when they stopped pretending that they didn’t like their fancy wizard books and things― Jester still couldn’t make sense of any of them― more than fighting monsters. She understood. Kind of. But… Like, really, c’mon. She knew they were squishy, but wasn’t it even exciting anymore? Didn’t they like fighting monsters, and ending wars (even if they’d started one or two of those wars― but that wasn’t the point)?

 Who was supposed to turn her into wooly mammoths, or make her float everywhere, or let her draw dicks in their spellbooks now that they were doing all their fancy wizard things? She knew that keeping peace in Wildemount, and ‘teaching the next generation of mages’ or whatever Caleb kept telling her he was doing was really important and all. She had just thought that maybe the Mighty Nein was important too, you know? 

Beau and Yasha never left though. Jester thought that they would, by then. Everyone else had left, so obviously this was going to end like everything else did. Everyone on an adventure, with Jester… alone again. But it was okay, cause she was really good at entertaining herself alone, and she had the Traveler, didn’t she? Even if he didn’t talk to her as much anymore. She kind of wished she hadn’t done so much to spread the religion, now. 

She’d asked Yasha and Beau, one night, what they were going to do when they left, too. 

Why would we leave? Yasha had said. It had made Jester pause, for a moment. She’d never really thought about that part, just, well, Everyone’s left, you know? Veth went back to her family and Caduceus, and Fjord went to start their orphanage, and you know, get more people to follow the Wildmother and Caleb and Essek went to go keep peace or whatever, and I guess that’s all great and all, really cool, really, and I just figured, you know, that you would―

Jester hadn’t really realized how many tears were stuck in her throat until they started making it hard to talk. That you’d have… cooler things to do too, I guess.

Beau had wrapped an arm around her then, and turned away from the sunset over the water to look at Jester. 

C’mon Jes, what could be cooler than being a pirate captain? She’d asked.

Well, we’re not really pirates… They hadn’t technically raided any  boats in a long time by then. Mostly just the lairs of big snea snakes, and krakens, and sometimes even a dragon.

Whatever. It’s the thought that counts.

You wouldn’t ever want to go back and like… be a monk who spies on like, evil people and kicks ass?

Nah, I kick plenty of ass here.

Jester had laughed a bit, at that. You wouldn’t want to go home, Yasha? To Xhorhas? Or… I don’t know… 

Yasha hadn’t said anything, at first, but Jester had known her long enough to know she didn’t need to hurry to speak like other people did. My home has always been where my family is. And you are all my family.

That’d made Jester smile. Even Marius?

He has gotten quite good at killing people since we first met him, don’t you think?

They’d all laughed at that, and Jester had slept easier that night, with Yasha and Beau next to her, knowing they wouldn’t leave, at least for a while. 

A few weeks later, when they’d docked in Nicodranas to see Caduceus and Fjord and Momma, they’d seen a familiar face at the Open Quay.

I am Kiri! she’d said, and it was pretty weird hearing her own voice come out of the mouth of a not-so-little-anymore Kenku. 

Kiri was looking for a job, on a ship. She’d said it all in a mix of different voices, and none of them were familiar, and it was reminding Jester how, wow, she’d grown up so fast and all without them. But then Kiri had pulled out a dagger, which she was actually really good at (Beau was lucky Kiri wasn’t trying to hurt her, she definitely would’ve gotten stabbed), and said It’s sharp! in that accent that Fjord used to use, and sure, Kiri was all grown up now, but she was still Kiri.

Welcome to the Mighty Nein! She’d crowed, and so then there were four.

And when they’d met another little tiefling girl, looking for money, and a family after that dragon turtle had capsized her ship, well, that was five of them!

Another ex-scourger in Rexxentrum, a paladin of the Traveler, and that was six… Seven… and then eight… 

And now it was years and years later, and there weren’t really just three of them, or just nine even. There were ten or so, and like, at least sixteen if you counted everyone on the crew, and if you counted everyone, like Calianna, and Reani, and Keg, and Nila, and Twiggy, and Molly, and Caleb and Fjord and Essek and Caduceus and Veth, cause they were still part of the Mighty Nein, even if they were doing other things now, and everyone else they’d welcomed over all the years they’d been doing this, well, it was a lot. 

[superkooku]

Honestly, for a god that shows up a lot in the myths, he does surprisingly little in modern stories, which is a shame because Hermes is a very versatile deity. Yes he's fun and witty and a speedster, but he's more than that.

Everything you mentioned would be a very interesting plot point.

Also, I'm convinced Hermes and Perseus are the two illegitimate Zeus children that Hera instantly liked. Perseus probably because of his virtue and Hermes because... probably because he's useful. The twins, Dionysus and Heracles on the other hand... they had to work hard in order to reconcile with her 😅.

Ok, headcannons aside, I wonder how Hermes and Hera's relationship is. They probably had time to bond during the Trojan War, since they were both on the Greeks' side.

(Zeus literally named Alcides "glory to Hera" and it didn't work while Hermes simply existed and she didn't do anything. Lol)

I feel like Hermes is one to win over his potential enemies by trickery or services. Like Apollo, to whom he gave the lyre and apologized. And he had zero consequence for his thievery, gaining a place on Olympus instead. Zeus and Hera just let it go too. I can't get over the fact that as a baby, his first decision was to steal his brother's cows 😂.)

Also for the segment of Hermes helping heroes, since Epic the musical I feel people remember that Hermes is Odysseus' great-grandfather and helps him to escape Circe and Calypso.

Yk mythical godly trickster is the ancestor of the mythical mortal trickster. The apple doesn't fall far fro the tree.

(I'd also like to see him with Asclepius too. Yk he helped Apollo save his baby from literal flames in Coronis' palace and I'm sure Hermes' caduceus was at least a source of inspiration for that snake staff.

Also that'd allow more Hermes and Apollo interactions).

What's your opinion on Hermes in adaptations ? I personally think that, like with other gods, a lot of nuance is often lost.

He's usually just a fun speedy guy in modern vision and we don't really see his status as god of merchants, travels, rhetoric, theft or his role as a psychopomp. It's really a shame, honestly.

He's portrayed as a bit witty, but I'd love to see him more as a trickster god (like in Argos' story), a persuasive talker, a traveler who explores the world and his relationships to mortals and various gods alike.

(like his relationship to youthfulness, being the second youngest Olympian, at odds with Apollo before reaching an agreement, taking care of Pan then Dionysus, some interactions with his mom Maia or his chthonic coworkers, etc...)

Idk I wanted to talk about him a bit instead of complaining about Dionysus for the 100th time this week 🤣. Since Hermes is your favorite god, I thought it'd interest you 😉.

@superkooku thank you for this ask aaaahhhh!!!

Honestly, Hermes as a deity has so many layers of potential when it comes to story writing, and while he is a Certified Happy Go Lucky Extrovert^TM, there are so many aspects of him that aren't just the comedic messenger!!

I could make a list of all the aspects of Hermes I'd personally love to see more in modern media, so here we go:

Hermes' role as the god of thieves and trickery (his darker self, his suave nature, how he killed one of Hera's favorite servants so effortlessly and still remains in her good graces? His caduceus has two snakes- in a dual way representing his slyness along with his role as a protector)

Hermes' role as the god of trade and merchants (you telling me my boy won't be good at haggling prices and owning the market? I need some version of him where he owns the black market or some crazy stuff)

Hermes' role as a psychopomp (and by extension his relationship with his Uncle Hades. What is his relationship with the other chthonic gods? I love what Hades Supergiant did with Hermes/Charon but I long for more! Especially when he's very much there as Persephone's personal escort to and fro the Underworld. Thanatos should not get all the credit for reaping souls and guiding them home. )

Hermes and Maia (extroverted son, introverted mom, so many things we can explore here! How he felt growing up in that cave, his relationship with Arcas who his mother adopted!)

Hermes and Zeus (his aspect of being the god of hospitality!!) (Modern Media might never give us the Zeus-Hermes-Baucis-Philemon adventures but I am still for it always)

Hermes' mental health and depression (+ the bad side of his relationship with his mother and father) (more specifically Lucian Dialogues of the Gods 4, where Hermes states he is the most miserable god in all heaven, working every day and waiting upon Zeus' grander sons from mortal women. Now in my interpretation, Zeus wouldn't be that harsh to Hermes to make him almost like an indentured servant, but reading this dialogue you can really feel his exhaustion from the God of Trade and many other things. We can all relate to the feeling of being brushed off when you're feeling down, and I think this is the least likely aspect of Hermes to be explored since we will be putting him out of the "lucky, carefree" god persona that most put him in)

Hermes and Atlas (going back to Dialogue 4, Hermes mentions being the grandson of Atlas. I find it fascinating bc how does Hermes feel looking at his grandfather? Does he hate his grandfather for siding with Kronos? Does he resent his dad for creating this void for them to not have a relationship? Does he fear that if he steps out of line Zeus could do the same to him? Does he talk to Atlas forced to hold up the sky? Very compelling stuff)

Hermes and Hera (*holds them very tightly* they are the stepmother and stepson duo. Hera can be a certified Apollo-Artemis-Dionysus hater but has almost no hate for Hermes from what I know. There is no retaliation for Argos' death, and we all know Hera can hold a grudge! She milked him once in an obscure myth and that makes him her honorary son alongside Heracles, even appearing to bind Ixion alongside Ares, Hera's biological son. Hermes even makes an effort to deliver all of the invitations to her wedding to Zeus. Sure all of these can be explained by his messenger/servant role, but they seem to have an amicable and fun relationship that most media just writes them down as "Hera hates him" looking at you Blood of Zeus **EDIT: all of these are mostly headcanon-territory, so apologies for that!)

Hermes and Perseus and his role as helper of heroes (his canon bf... people out there shipping Perseus and Medusa when HERMES IS RIGHT. THERE! Perseus is called a beloved of Hermes and I'm sad that people are erasing that in their Perseus retellings. Gifts seem to be a love language for Hermes since he gives him his sandals, sword AND invisibility helm free of charge)

Hermes and Ares / Mercury and Mars (sorry I'm biased the Ares stan in me is coming out forgive me I think Hermes and Ares as a symbiotic relationship is something that can be explored more. The Jar Myth where Hermes saves Ares lets into some of the vulnerabilities Ares has, Lucian Dialogue #1 and the differences with how they view Zeus, war vs diplomacy, both being athletic gods, both being lovers of dogs, and many other things I can pitch for the secret Ares/Hermes fans out there)

Hermes and Dionysus (more modern media of Hermes taking care of his little bro-bro!! To be best buds in the future, that's just so endearing and sweet and we need more interactions between them. Their duality is similar to Ares/Hermes, with the additional madness factor. How would Hermes react to Dionysus' darkest side as his guardian and brother? Also, Hermes would definitely shake up Dionysus' parties. Would they murder together? Maybe. Definitely.)