#h.e.horrors

[headsemptysys]

"No weed Saturday" what if I did though. What if I did anyway. And also still bought the Papa's games. What then. Nothing will stop me.

Guhhh. Hhhgggg. Guhh.

[headsemptysys]

8:45AM ish

Ramen + weed let's goooo

I'm gonna overheat SO bad HELP

[headsemptysys]

9:07 AM

I really need to cut this shit out. Like. Yeah . This is a problem... I'm aware of that, now. 5 hits yesterday was unacceptable, I can’t keep doing that.

Of course. Still doing it though. Ugh.

[headsemptysys]

So I sketched a rough concept of a sona because I want one separate from the main "teddy bear child" thing. That one's cute and all but like. Girl that's pink and frilly I don't want pink and frilly I want to be the fukcign void y'know

[headsemptysys]

3:50AM ish

Cutting it. Very close I think.

But Ace did the thing where he just leaves suddenly. Just decides to go to bed and leave.

I planned to stay up. So..

[headsemptysys]

I also... Hmgh. I want to ask Ace to try to let me know if he's in a bad mood when we call because getting surprised by that was distressing enough to make me completely nonverbal and barely able to communicate even through text.

I feel awful for it though. Yeah sorry you being not happy triggered me so bad I was having flashbacks the whole time we were in call. It just feels like telling him he's not allowed to be upset around me and it fucking sucks.

Logically, I think he would want to know. I *know* he would want to know. I feel like I need to ask, though, but I can't without it being really obviously begging for reassurance. And if I beg for it, how can I know it's genuine?

I hate that I want this. That I want to do better. That I want to try. It's fucking scary because it means I have hope again. If I have hope, I won't want to kill myself. If I have hope, I won't want to get worse... But I have to get worse, if I'm going to kill myself.

I just... I want my friend back, I think. I want to be able to trust him again. I think something in me finally snapped, I think coming so close to finally following through last month flipped some desperation switch in my brain and now I want to like... Live, or something. I want to get better.

I don't... Want to. I don't want to want it. Fuck. Fuck!!

[headsemptysys]

2:37PM ish

I hope this doesn't like. Ruin my being functional. Lol.

[headsemptysys]

Wow I wish I was capable of existing and having interests without hurting everyone around me. Wow. Thank you for the random ass fucking out of nowhere reminder. I super appreciate it. Sooooo much.

[headsemptysys]

Man I'm gonna be so fucked up it feels like it's been forever. I think it's been like, a week and a half? I'm not gonna hold back I've been looking forward to getting absolutely fucking destroyed today

[headsemptysys]

Opened Discord to the typing indicator.

Hello trauma how are you doing today that feeling of impending doom sure is familiar. Time to sit here dreading everything, frozen in place because if I do anything the world will end.

[headsemptysys]

Why does trying to kill myself have to be so damn fucking scary..?

I want to die. I do. I really, really do. I've known this for years-- most of my life, in fact. I've been preparing for this for over a decade. Why is it still *scary*?

I'm finally working on a plan. So far I've learned that ibuprofen is probably not the way to go, lol. I'm going to get better results with acetaminophen. And it looks like "over time" is more deadly than all at once. Good to know.

But also offers greater risk. If I back out halfway through... What then?

I want to do it maybe.. a Saturday? So Pat isn't home, but he'll have time after to find somewhere for Pixie. And it won't disrupt his work... As much. I have no illusions that this won't be cruel to him, and I know it will interfere with his job, but I'm hoping... I can lessen that impact. If even slightly.

The alternative would be a Wednesday, on a week he works that day. Hide the developing symptoms best I can. It will probably take several days to kill me. I don't like that, but I don’t have a better option right now.

I'll look into it more. It's not going to be today, probably not even this week (unfortunately), but... Maybe I can work up the courage soon. Hopefully.

... I'm really doing this, huh? Finally.

At least there's some comfort in that. Somehow.

[headsemptysys]

Does thinking about the system cause me to dissociate for system reasons or for faking reasons......

[headsemptysys]

It occurs to me... I think I'm Elle. Or, Estelle, or Ellie, or whatever my name is lol. I think I've been... Very *here* for... The last week? Ish?

Feels kind of weird to talk about myself like that. I'm not sure it matters? But we've needed a lot of comfort this month in general, and I've noticed patterns that feel like... Well, me. I don't know if I should say something. The awareness of this has been sort of floating around in my head for awhile anyway.

I think the whole system is suicidal. I don't think it's just Pooka, or Static, or Jack, or any specific one of us. I'm... Less suicidal, but it's still *there*. Maybe it's bleedthrough from passive influence or co-con.

Actually scratch all of that I entirely forgot we.. I think for awhile thought we had a Lucy in here? We've been watching Fairy Tail again. Oh my god. Idk if that's like, real? Elle still feels right? The name Lucy doesn't feel... Wrong, though. Idk. Why is this so complicatteeddd....

[headsemptysys]

It really feels like I'm using this blog as just a drug tracker lmao. I really do intend to use it for other things and actually putting my thoughts out, but... Idk. If I just leave them as thoughts, I can ignore them and forget. Writing them down forces me to actually think about them long enough to put them to proper words.

Fantastic as a way to get a better timeline of my emotions and events, but it also makes me dwell on it. I *want* to journal, I like doing it, I like the feeling of having one and having the option when I *need* to get the thoughts out before they consume me. And with how much I struggle to remember emotions and the events that caused them, it's a good tool.

But god, it's... Yeah. Exhausting. Depressing.

All that but I'm getting high again anyway. Lmao. 11:20AM (ish)

[headsemptysys]

Hey what if I *am* Jack? Like. Me as in Static. I mean, that doesn't sound wrong honestly.

A bad fucking sign if I'm basically constantly around but makes more sense than being a mix of Pooka (ew) and Jack. And honestly with the name feeling that right? Probably lmao.

Idk which one I like more. Jack. Static. Could really go either way. I don't like the idea of having a face though. Just a neck I can rip open with my bare hands.

[headsemptysys]

I'm procrastinating taking a hit bc as much as I would like to be high I do not want the experience of taking the hit. It's bad. It's like really awful to do. And while it may be worth it in the moment it is Not lmao.

Anyway uh.

9:26AM

(Wow that's early. But I was kinda planning to do this all day lol.)