#help i am so indecisive and most of these are a huge ass time commitment

[artistype]

jrwi people i need opinions

[tinamaetales]

Fine, not fine

When the pandemic broke out in 2020, I was left with nothing to do. Our WFH arrangement during those times is not something I consider as a heavy workload so most of the time I just find myself alone with my own thoughts – which is one of the scariest scenarios for me. To kill time and distract myself from my own self-destructive thoughts, I decided to watch documentaries on Youtube but there really isn’t enough for me so despite not having a huge salary, I decided to subscribe to Netflix and from then on, I was able to watch a lot of movies, series and documentaries. I really wanna write a reflection on each of the stuff I’ve watched but I’m too lazy these days (and yet, here I am writing one).

As I mentioned, I watched a lot of stuff on Netflix but the last three that I’ve watched lately (before I start being invested with American Horror Story series), Angel’s Last Mission: Love, The Good Place, and Mystic Pop-up Bar tend to have a common theme – life, death, afterlife. I didn’t even do it on purpose; I was just really interested in the plot of their stories. What these 3 shows have in common is that they discuss about the morality and consequences and these days, I’m really interested in those topics. Lately, I’ve been questioning myself about what kind of person I am – am I good or bad? I also keep on having an internal debate with myself as to whether or not there is an afterlife and if there is, then where will I end up? Heaven or hell? Those questions are kinda giving me some headache these days but at least it’s a good distraction from my own self-destructive thoughts. Somehow, Philosophy seems interesting to me now (during my College years, I dreaded that subject but still managed to get a 1.25 final grade lol). Anyway, here are my thoughts about the shows:

Angel’s Last Mission: Love

Major lesson: Keep the faith

This kdrama has such a beautiful way of presenting its story that you will fall in love with it in just the first episode! (Also because Kim Myung Soo’s dimples are to die for, omg I’m so in love) Anyway, this drama’s plot is interesting: an angel who disobeyed the law (he’s not allowed to meddle with the lives of humans especially since he’s a guardian angel for animals) on his last day was given the most difficult mission – to make the fallen ballerina know what love is. As I am writing this, I can’t help but feel emotional because the show knows how to attack one’s heart. I will not be telling more of its plot for I might end up spoiling it so I’ll just provide my major take away from this kdrama. (This is one of those kdramas that I can watch again and again coz it’s beautiful)

I was raised in Catholic faith, which is really not a surprise for a Filipino like me since this country is heavily influenced by the Catholic Church, but ever since I’ve become an adult and finally opened my eyes and allow myself to stop living under the notorious gaslighting of people around me, I struggled with my faith in God. It’s really difficult living a traumatized life. In 2018, I seek for professional help and was diagnosed with Dysthymia and Social Anxiety Disorder. And despite therapy and medication, I have not yet healed and sometimes feel like my situation is getting worse. As such, I felt so alone in my struggles which became the reason why I relate to Yeon Seo’s character. People labeled her as a cold bitch and most of them are expecting her to just move on and heal without fully understanding where she is coming from. When Yeon Seo said “Do you know what it feels like to be left behind? It feels like I’m abandoned alone in an endless desert” it hit close to home. I know that one’s pain should not be an excuse for acting up and being mean but people should also understand that healing is different for all of us – we heal at our own pace at our own time. Pain can change a person – I know it fully well for I’ve become a completely different person because of all the pain I’ve been through. But what this show taught me is that God is a merciful God and He will not let us be drown into the abyss of darkness…..somehow, He will make a way to get us back on track and sometimes it’s in ways we never imagined it to be. Like how they sent angel Kim Dan into Yeon Seo’s life, God will also be sending us the answer to our prayers for He loves us and He is the only one who will never give up on us – even though we gave up on ourselves.

The Good Place

Major lesson: There is hope for humanity

I’ve been obsessed with sitcoms since 2019 (if I remember the year correctly) for they’re easy to watch and just fun but I never expected that a sitcom will make me become philosophical and somehow question my own morality: am I a good person?

For a show with only four seasons and fifty-three episodes, The Good Place sets the bar high for a sitcom.  It did not drag its plotline but is able to tell the entire story in a way that leaves the viewers satisfied with it. The Good Place is a story *SPOILER ALERT* that revolves around the afterlife lives of the four main characters: Eleanor, Chidi, Tahani, and Jason who all end up in the “good place” because they earned enough points on Earth but there’s a catch, two of them are not actually meant to be in the good place. Eleanor and Jason both mistakenly went to the good place because they died at almost the same time as someone with the same name as them but the other two actually deserved to be in the good place. The dilemma started when Eleanor admitted the truth to Chidi, a Philosophy professor who specialized in Ethics for he is torn between helping them or snitching on them. But perhaps the biggest plot twist of all, *SERIOUSLY STOP READING IF YOU DON’T WANT ANY MORE SPOILERS* they are not really in the good place. All four of them are in the Bad Place disguised as the good place and they were specifically chosen to torture each other, just like what Jean Paul Sartre said, “Hell is other people” Now this gets interesting because while none of these four people have committed heinous crimes which can then make them deserving of a spot in the bad place, the actions they’ve done during their lifetime on earth has bearing. At first I find it surprising how Chidi and Tahani end up in the bad place considering that Chidi spent his life in the pursuit of goodness and Tahani is a philanthropist who raised millions of dollars for charities. But then, as the show progressed, I understood. Chidi’s vast knowledge of morality made him become an indecisive person which led towards the suffering of others. Chidi made other people suffer because he finds it difficult to make a choice. On Tahani’s part, she raised millions of dollars to help improve the lives of others but such is a self-serving interest – she did not do those things because she wanted to help but because she wants to make herself look good. On Eleanor’s part, while she did not commit serious crimes, she was a big ass jerk towards others during her time on earth. With Jason, although he is kind, his actions often lead to disasters and although unintentional, harm towards others. With these in mind, I guess it’s safe to say that humans are doomed for the things we do are most of the time self-serving. It’s hard to make it to the Good Place because in one way or another, we do some things that affect others in a negative way. But what this show also taught me is that while it’s true that hell is other people……humans have a chance to improve and be better when given the proper environment as well as when they help each other out. Just like what Michael said “The point is, people improve when they get external love and support. How can we hold it against them when they don’t?”

At first, this show kind of made me realized that I’ve been a bad person….that most of the decisions I’ve made in life are self-serving….I only do things that benefit me and I could not care less about other people but my biggest realization here is that, I acted this way because my unhealed pain and trauma is manifesting itself. I have been hurt way too much that it made me become a bad person and end up with the mantra that life is shitty anyway so why try to be good? And because of that, I felt bad. Now, I try my best to do good things, not because I want to feel good for myself but because it’s the right thing to do. I have come to the realization that just because I was hurt does not mean I have the right to inflict pain on others. I know that morality is not something that can easily be answered since it’s such a complex thing and humans are flawed but as what Michael said (he has a lot of great lines from the show, I can’t help but to keep on quoting him) “What matters isn’t if people are good or bad. What matters is, if they’re trying to be better today than they were yesterday. You asked me where my hope comes from? That’s my answer.” Please, please, please watch The Good Place! I guess it’s one of the best, if not the best, sitcoms ever.

Mystic Pop-up Bar

Major lesson: Grudges are the heaviest to carry/ the art of letting go

One word to describe this k-drama? HEARTWARMING. With only 12 episodes, this k-drama was able to provide me comfort and healing. I did not actually expect much from this as I only watched it because of Yook Sungjae but what I failed to realize is that this kdrama’s approach to storytelling will be heartwarming. The plot is pretty simple for a fantasy drama: a woman, Weol-ju, runs a pop-up bar in order to fulfill her mission of settling the grudges of 100,000 people but as the years went by, it became difficult for her to have people to open up. When people fail to open up about the grudges they are holding, then it will be difficult for her to help them in solving their problems. And since it is taking her way too long to finish her mission, she was given an ultimatum of having to finish her mission within a month – good thing is she found two people to help her with the case: the afterlife police agent Gwi and the human with special ability of making people open up to him just by having a slight physical contact with them, Kang Bae. I love the way these three main characters complemented each other and I sometimes wish that I was given the chance to be a customer at the Mystic Pop-up Bar not just to have them help me solve my grudges but because sometimes, all we need is people who will listen to us.

As mentioned, Weol-ju’s mission is to help people settle the grudges they are carrying and she makes it happen by having people go inside her pop-up bar, let them tell their stories to her and then she will eventually offer them a special drink (which she disguises as an alcohol) that will make them fall asleep so she can enter the dream world and do her work in settling the grudge. While watching this drama, I can’t help but wonder: why do people drink when they have problems? For someone who never drinks and is not interested in drinking, I’ve always been curious of it. They said that alcohol tastes bitter, so I don’t understand why it seems to be helping people in dealing with their problems? Some say that by drinking, it helps them escape their reality for a while. I did some research about this topic and according to Origins Recovery, alcohol contains anxiolytic properties which means that it helps in inhibiting stress or anxiety. As for the bitterness, I heard from someone that as time passes by, the bitterness become sweet unlike life itself in which as time passes by, it becomes more overwhelming. I guess drinking really helps people to take a pause from the absurdity of life despite its bitterness as well as the headache that follows after drinking. Moreover, who am I to judge people who rely on drinking when their life becomes a mess when I also have my own ways, sometimes self-destructive, of finding an escape from this horrible world that we live in? After all, when life gets too tough, we all just want an escape – even though it’s temporary.

With every episode, Weol-ju and her squad helped people settle their grudges and each time they do, it makes me feel emotional. This show makes me realized that all of us are carrying grudges we don’t talk about and when we do not have the avenue to vent it out, then it eats us up alive. All of us are no stranger to struggles, but it is important to be strong and courageous. We can choose to struggle alone but asking for help does not mean you are weak.

Let me end this blogpost by putting my favorite line from Weol-ju: “No matter what’s making you suffer right now, things will settle and pass eventually. Hang in there until then, and you’ll find yourself stronger”

x,

TinaMae

[delveintothemadness]

A letter to whom it may concern...

To whom ever I end up with in near or distant future,

Not to make it sound it sound like a bad thing, I'm sure you are great.

I thought I would write to you, whoever you are and let you know some pretty important details about the girl that could be or already is your girlfriend, so you know what to expect, unless you know already. Hopefully, whoever you are, you will find this, and you'll have a good chuckle, especially if you know me so well.

Okay, firstly you should know its always awkward for me to start conversations at first, and when I'm nervous, I ramble. I just hope you can hold a conversation and you're open to discussing anything. If you did this, you obviously made a good impression and made things very compforting for the first meeting, I'm always going to assume it was anything but boring to say the least.

I will also have this habit of being shy if you introduce me to any friends or family including anyone new to you or myself. Its nerves, completely normal but it will pass as a I get to know them. But please don't force me to chat or expect me to behave a certain way, I'd hope your friends and family will get to know me on their own terms where it doesn't feel pushed or forced- I'm sure they will like me on their own.

Once you get to know me I'm sure you will realise two things, I'm either tired or hungry. Most of the time, I'm tired. (It's a thyroid thing)...(Google it) so if tired, I have either taken my medication late, or its been a long day or night. So at some point if I yawn or fall asleep infront of you, its not that you are boring. Its more that I really needed a nap and couldn't keep my eyes open. We'd need to be outdoors doing something for me to actually not want to sleep. I'll still be tired, i just won't sleep.

You may also notice that I am usually weird about you paying for dinner, that I try and pay you or pay for part atleast. Please understand that, I just want to contribute too. I don't believe that every date has be paid by you all the time. I'm not that type of girl that expects everything to be paid for. I'd like to treat you also to dinner when we go out, both people should feel equally special and respected. So if I offer to pay or pay you back, please don't argue. I just wanna contribute when I can on dates.

*Whoever* I understand you will have your bad days, and I will be respectful of what you need in order to get passed whatever it is you are dealing with; whether it is me or work or life. I do hope that you understand that I'm not a person who enjoys or takes yelling or fighting very well, I'd rather talk it out or avoid at all costs. I hope you are patient, and you can remember that if I'm with you, I'm also finding a way to support or understand what you are dealing with. I won't however accept name calling, or being blamed for things that were or are out of my control. So if you've had a shit day at work or whatever it is, and you take it out on me.

I'd say don't bother coming home or over to me until you are in a better mood. I am however open to hearing what is bothering you if you can manage to talk. Remember, my role is to support and try and help where I can.

*Whoever* your eyes will probably wonder, and this is some thing most girls will freak out about. Mine probably will at times too if they are cute.

Yes, there will be moments where I will get jelous of a girl, jealousy is a curse of human emotions, we will feel it at some point in any given situation. I have learnt you can overcome jelously, it does pass if we know the person is with you for the right reasons, and if they are genuine to you, so obviously I trust you more than guys believe their girls do. So in short, I won't freak out about you checking out a persons rack or ass. I'm not gonna freak out about you liking an insta picture, or having girl mates, because I myself have girl and guy friends, I'd expect the same trust.

But if you can appriciate some random girls ass, and you know I've been killing myself with squats at the gym, remember to appriciate whats infront of you too.

I cant promise this with my breasts by the way, lets just hope your an ass person (not an ass.)

I'm weird, something that you may have already picked up. It's probably the thousandth time you've clarified. (Nothing you find off-putting of coarse.)

Just remember that I am either trying to play along, be funny or creative, if your the type of person who can play along even if you look like a dork too, I'm sure I will always appriciate your efforts. (Perhaps you are weirder than me.)

You probably know this already, but I am the hugest movie and music buff ever. Including horror movies. I hate romance and drama, you probably also know this. If you're gonna choose something on Netflix, don't stress. We avoid those two genres. Just please for the love of god, let me pick the film instead of asking me what i want to watch and not agree to it in the end. You might aswell just decide what we're going to watch.

Chances are if you like cars or know how to maintain one, you already know I'm going to tune out by the third word of that sentence or, not understand a single thing you are talking about. You have probably been let in on many stories about how I am the worst driver ever or, you've figured this out for yourself. I would probably not allow me to drive further than Calder park to get to the city, or at all.

If you like sport, thats okay, I'm not that sporty but, if you are to invite me to a game. I'll have fun. I wont understand whats happening but I'm happy to figure it out. Just make sure there's alcohol, if its during winter and they don't serve alcohol, make sure we bring alcohol.

If you're a gamer, same thing applies. Maybe not the alcohol part so much.

I'm just taking a guess about your interests, I don't know who this is going to be for.

But I'm probably going to drag you to stuff I enjoy anyway like; gigs, festivals, poetry slams and food truck festivals. Luckily for you all these places serve alcohol incase you want a drink and chill.

GoT Mondays are pretty important to me, I'm commited. I'm also commited to Walking Dead Wednesdays and Taco anydays. But if you like Game of Thrones, thats a relief, I won't need to battle you for the remote.

But you should know that its an intense experience where yelling occurs, kind of like how people are at the AFL when dickheads make some pretty bad calls. You will probably hear a lot of profanities, some that may seem unexpected from yours truely. Just remember to stay calm during that hour, maybe a little longer when the after shock occurs. If not calmed, wine or head tickles, if you provide either of these, you will send me to sleep and the day will seem much more peaceful. But you probably will figure this out on your own with your own methods to have a peaceful day after GoT.

Good luck during, please note that this is also any other series I get hooked on. If you know this already, I'm obviously very grateful.

Like any girl, I can be indecisive, but I just don't make a huge deal about it. If you ask what I want to eat and I say I'm not fazed. It literally means I'm not fazed. You are talking to someone who will eat any dish you put infront of her. If you really want an answer or input, always assume burritos or anything mexican, you'll always be right. And if i say I'm not hungry. I'm probably just tired so I'm not gonna steal your food, I'll likely take care of myself if I do get hungry; if you are snacking though, and you have a pack of MnM's or skittles in close reach, I will most likely take all the red or blue ones. I cant promise I won't, I'm sorry. Same goes for your BBQ shapes its a weakness..If I do this already and you haven't been fighting me for the red or blue MnM's then you must be the most patient person ever.

If I'm upset with you. There will probably be a brief time after a disagreement or if you are behaving like an asshole. Even if you don't find it to be a big deal. Remember the following, (if i met you, you probably have heard it before.) I'm not in your shoes, and you aren't in mine. We have different sets of brains and certain things will effect us differently. So if I'm upset, three things will help you, calm communication, understanding and a hug (When I'm upset, a hug usually helps). If I don't want to talk at the time, it means I just need down time to relax for a bit before talking, nothing is calm if a person is still upset. If you can manage calm communication and providing me with space if I dont want to discuss it yet, its usually the first step in the right direction. This is just incase it does happen, it's usually a rare thing if I'm with the right person. That will shine through. You don't want to date people who upset you so much.

Also, I hope you realize *whoever you are* I don't expect you to be perfect or have your shit together all the time because I certainly don't. I think the important thing is as long as you are happy, as long as you are healthy and honest with not just me, but yourself. That would be the only thing I care about. I'm sure I will love you no matter what.

With that being said, I hope you are the same with me, I hope you see that I'm not perfect, but I hope you know I try my absolute best and work as hard as I can to be the person I want to stive to become, even if its a bit crosswired and I'm all over the place. Even if I'm completely disorganized and a complete mess. I'm hoping I will have your support like you will have mine.

I guess what it all comes down to is, if I haven't me you, I'll see you soon. And if I have and you're reading this now, I'm glad I did.