#how I have physically had to learn social cues and trial and error

[kavehayati]

Lord give me energy today eueueue

[crtter]

Hey, sorry if this is intrusive, if you don't want to answer it's fine. But I saw you reblogging some posts about adhd and I wanted to know If you are diagnosed, and If so, how was your process. Because I relate to like 80% of the simptoms, rsd and inattentiveness hit me especially hard, but I have no idea how to get a diagnose. I'm from Brazil too btw, and I see basically no one talking about this, and they mostly spot young restless boys.

Oh, it’s not intrusive at all! I’ll be happy to share how it went with me. You see, I was only diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, but I had been diagnosed with NVLD first in my teens.

During my entire childhood, I had trouble with socializing, couldn’t read social cues very well, and, despite being a “good student” in general, I’ve always been disproportionately bad at anything involving numbers. My parents have always been averse to the idea that I had anything “wrong with me” because I had learned to read and write at a young age, and school psychologists have always told then I was smart, I was just immature for my age and “didn’t try hard enough”. They left it at that and my dad, who has always been very good with numbers, used to go over the entire coursework with me so I would at least get good enough grades at math to not flunk my classes.

When I was 15, I changed schools and started to really feel the pressure to “fit in”, which I was really bad at. That was when an artist I admired on DeviantArt once described her experience with being on the autism spectrum and I could relate to a lot of aspects of it. I started to suspect I could be on the autism spectrum myself. I asked my mom a lot if I could see a psychiatrist about it, and she eventually agreed to let me attend this study made by a teaching hospital to diagnose young people who might have different kinds of mental disorders.

I took a lot of different tests and, after some months, I was diagnosed with Nonverbal Learning Disorder, which isn’t in the autism spectrum per se, but shares a few characteristics with it, mainly the whole thing with socializing. What differentiated it from an autism diagnosis was mostly difficulties with visual-spatial awareness and numbers, which in of itself would be called dyscalculia. So I was like “OK, this is what’s up with me, then.” and I started seeing a therapist to help me with it. I was 17 and in high school, then.

Despite knowing about my shortcomings, though, my therapist often told me that my problem was that I was “too lazy” when I related my issues with things like paying attention in class and not being able to just “get up and do things” sometimes she also body shamed me a lot but that’s not really relevant. Anyway, I stayed with her for a while but eventually it got too expensive to continue, so I left.

That was when I left high school and got into university for the first time. I got into vet school, which was the first time in my life I couldn’t ask my dad to help me with certain subjects I did badly in, because, unlike with math and physics and the like, he couldn’t really help with things like anatomy. Long story short, I did well for a while, then started doing really badly and eventually, I had to drop out. I attributed that to my bad visual-spatial perception and started attending another university, this time to learn animation, a subject I’ve always been passionate about. The same thing happened: I did well until a certain point, then I got in trouble with a single subject (this time it was 3D modeling) and eventually did so bad I had to drop out again.

This all took a big emotional toll on me and everything, but that was when I realized I had pretty much always followed a certain... pattern when it came to my academic life: I just couldn’t pay attention to certain subjects at all and had to try my hardest to learn them, often needing outside help, while others were naturally interesting to me so I didn’t really need to study. That was also when I first learned about executive dysfunction, which is very often a trait of ADHD, and I could relate to it a lot. The more I read about ADHD, the more I could relate to it. I started to suspect I didn’t only have NVLD, but I could have ADHD as well.

Also I kinda rushed things up for the sake of brevity but just to situate the story better, between graduating high school, getting into an university, studying for a few years, dropping out, getting into another university, studying for another few years and dropping out again, a lot of time passed. I was now 26 years old.

Anyway, I decided that I wanted to see another psychiatrist about possibly having ADHD, and I eventually got around to it. She asked me a few questions about my academic life, how I paid attention to things, whether or not I experienced “brain fog” (I did, and I described it as TV static in my brain) and about executive dysfunction, she told me “Well, you look like a pretty textbook case of Inattentive Type ADHD, alright” and decided to start me on a low dosage of Ritalin. And! Everything changed! My chores didn’t take the whole day long to complete anymore and eventually, I decided to give animation school a try again, and I did way better at it! I also started seeing a behavioral therapist, which also helped me much more than my “regular” therapist had ever done.

So... if I learned anything from all this, is that, in the end, we know ourselves better than we give ourselves credit for. If you read about a certain disorder and start to heavily suspect you might have it, there’s a good change that you do or that you have something pretty similar. The older you are (and the furthest you are from the “hyperactive little child” stereotype people usually have about ADHD) the harder it might be to get a formal diagnosis and medication, but it’s definitely not impossible! It might take seeing quite a few different psychiatrists -which is not going to be cheap, I admit- but with some trial and error, you might be able to find someone that’s willing to test you for ADHD.

That’s about it, I guess! Sorry for the length, and I wish you the best of luck!!!

[lily-sinful]

I'm either about to make or break your day because I want all 42 questions answered. Tell Me About Cehrih.

YOU UNBELIEVABLE FUCKING BASTARD I WAS ABOUT TO GO TO SLEEP

PHYSICAL PRESENCE AND GESTURE.

1. How do they move and carry themselves? Pace, rhythm, gestures, energy?

She mainly trips over her own feet a lot.  She has extremely bad balance out of combat.  If you saw her fight you’d swear she’s a completely different person

2. How much physical space do they use, active and at rest?

She tries to take up as little space as possible, except when she’s tired in which case she sprawls over the nearest thing.  A pain to share a couch with.

3. How do they position themselves in a group? Do they like to be the center of attention, or do they hang back at the edges of a crowd?

She stays at the back, to keep an eye on everyone else.  Also to flee if someone she doesn’t know tries to talk to her.

4. What is their size and build? How does it influence how they use their body, if it does?

Tiny, kinda soft.  Biggest thing is that instead of going “thwump” when she falls down it’s more like “paff”

5. How do they dress? What styles, colors, accessories, and other possessions do they favor? Why?

She likes dark colours with simple designs and ornamentation.  Hoards chocobo-related stuff.

6. What are they like in motion–in different environments, and in different activities? What causes the differences between these?

I don’t know what this means!

7. How do they physically engage with other people, inanimate objects, and their environment? What causes the differences between these?

She mostly dislikes touching people unless she’s flirting with them, but she likes to hug small fluffy things and also chocobos.  Inanimate objects are for climbing and/or tripping over.

8. Where and when do they seem most and least at ease? Why? How can you tell?

She’s most at ease when she’s doing/studying magic.  It’s her biggest passion, and she doesn’t get all clumsy when she’s doing that.  She’s least at ease riding anything other than Cehrih’a, and she usually struggles to remain mounted when riding.

9. How do they manifest energy, exhaustion, tension, or other strong emotions?

She’s very bubbly and talkative when she’s in a good mood, and she gets more physically tense as she gets more stressed.  Is why she looks so odd when riding on Egg.

10. What energizes and drains them most?

Taking care of Cehrih’a and doing magic-y stuff energizes her.  Dealing with tanks who don’t know how to do their damn jobs is what stresses her.

11. How are they vocally expressive? What kind of voice, accent, tones, inflections, volume, phrases and slang, and manner of speaking do they use?

I don’t know what a combination of ul’dahan and gridanian accents would sound like, but since she was raised in ul’dah and moved to gridania as a teen, that’s what her accent would be!

12. How are they bodily expressive? How do they use nonverbal cues such as their posture, stance, eyes, eyebrows, mouths, and hands?

She’s much more expressive with her tail and hands than she is with her voice.  She can come off as kind of flat if you aren’t paying attention to her tail.

DISPOSITION AND TEMPERAMENT.

13. How do they greet the world — what is their typical attitude towards life? How does it differ in different circumstances, or towards different subjects? Why do they take these attitudes, and why do they change? How do these tend to be expressed?

She’s constantly looking for new challenges, and despite being really shy, she’s usually quite bubbly.

14. What do they care deeply about? What kind of loyalties, commitments, moral codes, life philosophies, passions, callings, or spirituality and faith do they have? How do these tend to be expressed?

She cares most about her studies and Cehrih’a.  She spends a lot of time travelling and studying the world around her, and as such she tends to not get deeply involved with most people.  She doesn’t really have time for spiritualityl, and the closest she’s ever really come to that is studying conjury for so many years.

15. What kind of inner life do they have — rich and imaginative? Calculating and practical? Full of doubts and fears? Does it find any sort of outlet in their lives?

Her biggest goal is to make her mark on magical theory.  Her biggest fear is that she’s going to trip and fall off a cliff before she has a chance to do so.  I… think that’s what this question’s asking?  I don’t really know.

16. Do they dream? What are those dreams like?

Most of her dreams are surreal and leave her going “what the fuck” when she wakes up.  That’s about it.

17. Are they more shaped by nature or nurture — who they are, or what has happened to them? How have these shaped who they’ve become as a person?

Idk both?  I hate this kind of question it’s too nuanced a thing to reduce to something so simple :/

18. What kind of person could they become in the future? What are some developmental paths that they could take, (best, worst, most likely?) what would cause them to come to pass, and what consequences might they have? What paths would you especially like to see, and why?

Best case scenario: somebody pushes her into publishing her studies.  Worst case scenario: Stressing herself to death over minor shit.  Most likely: continuing to adventure/fall over.

CONNECTIONS WITH OTHERS.

19. How do they behave within a group? What role(s) do they take? Does this differ if they know and trust the group, versus finding themselves in a group of strangers? Why?

If she’s with strangers, she’s guarded, and usually resigns herself to having to show people how to do basic shit.  She doesn’t mind it unless the person should clearly know better.  Around people she knows, she’s talkative and lively, and much more willing to have fun and focus less on getting the job done at all cost.

20. What kind of individual relationships do they have with others, and how do they behave in them? How are they different between intimate relationships like friends, family, and lovers versus more impersonal relationships?

NO FUCKIN CLUE

21. What kind of relationships do they tend to intentionally seek out versus actually cultivate? What kind of social contact do they prefer, and why?

I HAVE NO IDEA I DON’T REALLY THINK ABOUT THAT

22. How do people respond to them, and why might these responses differ?

People think she’s odd but mostly harmless.  They are at least somewhat correct.

23. How do they respond to difficult social moments? What makes them consider a social situation difficult?

Social situations being difficult is when people are being idiots about things they should know better.  She copes with it by setting fire to things.

24. How do they present themselves socially? What distinguishes their “persona” from their “true self”, and what causes that difference?

She tries to be calm and reserved but mostly comes off as babbling on about magic and chocobos.

25. What do they need and want out of relationships, and how do they go about getting it?

Mostly she just wants someone to talk to and sometimes say “hey drink this it’s probably not poison but who knows”

26. How do they view and feel about relationships, and how might this manifest in how they handle them, if it does?

Relationships are a thing that happens.  She’s on the road too often to form deep frienships outside of guilds and even those are hard to maintain since primals are just constantly poppin up all over the place.

ACTIVITIES AND PREFERENCES.

27. What do they strongly like and dislike, in any category? Why?

She likes all forms of magic, and loves studying historical magic use to better understand how things work.  She dislikes anything involving beets.  Because some people don’t like beets and that’s perfectly okay.

28. What are they likely to do if they have the opportunity, resources, and time to accomplish it? Why?

She will spend literally all her time studying magical theory, and then going out to put her theories to practice.  Because that’s her job and she loves it.  Adventuring is mostly a means to an end for her.

29. What kind of activities, interests, and hobbies do they have? What significance and impact do these have in their lives, both positive and negative?

Outside of studying magic, her main hobbies are cooking and wandering around helping out guards when they’re getting swarmed by toads or whatever.  She likes to be helpful.  Also, cooking is, y’know, basically tasty alchemy, and therefor can be considered magic shhhh no it’s magic shhhhhhh that egg was uncooked and now it is and that is clearly alchemy at work shhhhhhhhhhh.

30. What is their preferred level of activity and stimulation? How do they cope if they get either too little or too much?

She likes a lot of activity, but gets stressed out easily.

31. Is there anything that counts as a “dealbreaker” for them, positively or negatively? What makes things go smoothly, and what spoils an activity or ruins their day? Why?

Actually writing down her studies and discoveries.  It’s the least fun part of her job and she needs to be forced to do it.

32. Do they have any “props” that are a significant part of their life, identity, activities, or self-presentation somehow? What are they, how are they used, and why are they so significant? How would these props’ absence impact them, how would they compensate, and why?

Fun fact: she had perfect eyesight until she realised people took you more seriously as a scholar if you wore glasses.  Now her eyes are used to glasses and she can’t see without them.  They’d be the bane of her existence if she didn’t look so cute in them.

THINKING AND LEARNING.

33. How do they learn about the world–what is their preferred learning style? Hands-on learning with trial and error? Research, reading, and note-taking? Observation or rote memorization? Inductive or deductive reasoning? Seeking patterns and organization? Taking things apart and putting them back together? Creative processing via discussing, writing about, or dramatizing things?

She’s pretty big on research (clearly), but she finds nothing helps studying how, say, fire magic works like, say, setting something on fire.  Cackling madly is optional but a nice touch.

34. How do they understand the world–what kind of worldview and thought processes do they have? Why?

She sees the world as something to be puzzled over and eventually understood.  She tends to approach everything as a challenge to be learned from.  Anything that is not a challenge is to be hugged and fluffed and is also a chocobo.  That’s it.  Everything is either a puzzle or a chocobo and frankly both of those are delightful.

35. How and why do they internalize knowledge? What effect has that had on them?

I don’t know what this means either.

36. How much do they rely on their minds and intellect, versus other approaches like relying on instinct, intuition, faith and spirituality, or emotions? What is their opinion on this?

She very much relies on her intellect and instinct.  She’s had a lot of experience at doing her magic-y stuff and has a pretty good feel for it and trusting herself is usually a good plan.  She never really had much time for faith or spirituality, except in the concept of conjury, and ever since she’s always felt pretty calm when she’s in nature.  Emotions are a bizarre thing that happens.  She’s okay with this, it’s worked out pretty well so far.

37. Have they had any special education or training that colors their means of learning about or understanding the world? Conversely, do they lack some kind of education considered essential in their world? What kind of impact has this addition or lack had on them?

Since pretty much all of her education comes from a magic perspective, she often finds herself having to catch up on things like history and geography outside of said perspective.  It’s a problem for an adventurer and she tends to get caught up and get lost in things a lot.

38. Is there anything they wish they could change about their worldview or thought processes? What, and why?

Nah.  It’s gotten her this far, why does it need to change now?

39. What sort of questions or thoughts recur in their lives, either specifically or as a theme? Why are these never answered, or answered permanently to their satisfaction?

“Why are some people born without the ability to do magic?”  there’s no answer, since afaik the game never really addresses this outside the thamaturge questline

40. What do they wonder about? What sparks their curiosity and imagination, and why? How is this expressed, if it is?

She mostly wonders about a) magic and b) will there be soup, and if so, c) what kind

FREE FOR ALL.

41. What associations do they bring to mind? Words or phrases, images, metaphors or motifs? Why?

She makes me think of simon because simon is 100% the inspiration for cehrih’s clumsiness.

42. I have a question of my own!

No you don’t that’s a lie that’s not a question.  Ugh fine stuff about cehrih this doesn’t really cover:  Despite growing up in Ul’dah, she considers gridania the closest thing she has to home.  She’s the only one of my characters with an active sex life even if she doesn’t really do romantic relationships.  As far as she’s concerned, Cehrih’a is her only son because she’s never ever having kids nope nope nope weird tiny things that she wants no part of taking care of.  Part of the reason she hates writing down her studies is because she has really tiny handwriting and it gives her hand cramps.  She’s 27.  Likes to wear dark clothes but her favourite colour is pink.  She’s gotten really good at falling but that’s not really by choice.  Once had to steer a pirate ship back to shore by herself.  It went poorly and she’s really lucky she got clear of the scene before what’s-his-face from Costa Del Sol found the wreck on his beach.  She has never told anybody about this and likely never will.  One of her biggest fears is that someone will go “Wait, no, the forseer definitely left her on the ship and they knocked out or killed all the pirates on board how did it get back to shore” and then go “cehrih can’t swim” and every time she goes to Limsa she’s terrified she’ll be arrested.

[zoraydas-domain]

Oh you're going to regret having so many characters! Can we get... 10, 29, 33 and 41 for Jasttor, 7, 12, 18 and 35 for Helmi, 10, 20 and 31 for Integrity, 6, 22 and 24 for Quilana? Aaaaaaaaaaand 9, 19, 23 and 24 for Ilweth! <3<3<3<3

Jasttor

10. What energizes and drains them the most?

Jasttor really likes exploring new places. He wants to see all of it and he’ll go climb on the damn rocks like a crazy person to check it all out. It also gives him the best view if he’s trying to sketch out a map, when he does it. He’s also super energized by any form of contest, whether it be a great spar or game with a clear winner.What’s draining for Jasttor is having to sit still for long amounts of time. He can do it, and he has, but he doesn’t like it. He likes to be up and around instead of listening to, say, a long speech or lecture or something. He’ll be inexplicably tired after having his brain “turned on” without moving for so long.

29. What kind of activities, interests, and hobbies do they have? What significance and impact do these have in their lives, both positive and negative?

Jasttor, like I’ve mentioned a few times, likes drawing maps. Especially of new places. It’s kind of like taking a picture of a place you’ve been and looking back on it later, remembering all the stuff you did there. This makes him really good at exploring, and he has a knack for finding his way around places. He rarely gets lost. However, he doesn’t do his cartography much anymore, seeing it as a time sink when he should be doing more important things. He also has a deep-seated interest in the lore behind old dragonborn tales and the stories and legends of Bahamut. He tries to reflect their values and actions, which can be really good at some times, and leaves him at a loss in other situations.

33.  How do they learn about the world–what is their preferred learning style? Hands-on learning with trial and error? Research, reading, and note-taking? Observation or rote memorization? Inductive or deductive reasoning? Seeking patterns and organization? Taking things apart and putting them back together? Creative processing via discussing, writing about, or dramatizing things?

He’s not exactly the type to love learning in an environment dedicated to it, but when he’s in a new city or a landmark he’s never been to before, he wants to know everything about it. Like I mentioned before, he likes to see it, be in it, have it all around him. Jasttor learns by experience and observation more than anything–basically any environment that doesn’t feel like “learning”. Also, when he gets into his creative process, it’s not manic or anything like that–he’s slow and deliberate and keeps going until he finishes what he’s doing. The only reason anything is left unfinished is because something else more important took over and gave him no time for what he considers a less important hobby.

41.  What associations do they bring to mind? Words or phrases, images, metaphors or motifs? Why?

Morning sun over the ocean, nimbus clouds, steady, youth, strength hiding weakness

Jasttor’s young and therefore still a little impulsive, but he’s a strong and steady presence for most. He’s reliable and loyal, but his strength does hide some fear and insecurity. He still has a lot of hope for the future and feels like… light, I guess? He’s also a bronze dragonborn, naturally attuned to the sea and always crackling with electricity. Another thing the sun versus storm could represent: He’s definitely a spiritual person, believing that having faith is important–in your deity, in people, in the future. It makes him a bit naive at times, and can lead to a harder emotional fall and bitterness that runs deep when something bad happens.

Helmi

7. How do they physically engage with other people, inanimate objects, and their environment? What causes the differences between these?

Helmi is a very touchy person. They must touch everything. Now, they know that not all people are comfortable with this so they have gotten better at reading people before tackling them with hugs and affection, so it’s not too much anymore. They’re very hands-on with the environment, but they are very particular about cleaning up after they’re done. During the building and experimenting process, their workplace is a mess, but they’re constantly cleaning it and it’s spotless at night. First lesson in building: keep your workplace organized!

12. How are they bodily expressive? How do they use nonverbal cues such as their posture, stance, eyes, eyebrows, mouth, and hands?

Gosh. Imagine a cartoon. That’s Helmi. They’re just very all over the place, bouncy, and extroverted–even though they’re holed up in the lab all the time. Anytime Helmi gets out of there to interact with people, they are generally the center of attention. If happy, there’s a literal bounce in their step. If they’re angry, pouty lips, brows drawn low, crossed arms. If you’re a friend, you get a big smile and probably a hug.

18. What kind of person could they become in the future? What are some developmental paths that they could take, (best, worst, most likely?) what would cause them to come to pass, and what consequences might they have? What paths would you especially like to see, and why?

They eventually want to go back home, or live somewhere near their father again, and continue in the tradition of gnomes building amazing things and teaching each other the things they’ve learned. The most likely thing that will happen, barring bad Tiamat stuff, is that they go home or close to it and do just that. The worst is that they ultimately fail in learning anything useful, feel like a useless person, and go off to find somewhere to try and fervently find something that makes them worthy. I would like to see Helmi do the former, but perhaps find some friends and form bonds with people and continue to be a presence in their lives.

35. How and why do they internalize knowledge? What effect has that had on them?

Helmi absorbs information like a sponge. They’ve always been very observant and clever, deducting and inferring information and having excellent questions. Knowledge they keep around is usually about how something moves or functions, whether it be mechanical or biological. Things in motions fascinate them, and it’s inspired a lot of ideas. Sure, they really like making weapons, but shit that moves autonomously is what they really like.

Integrity

10. What energizes and drains them most?

Not… much truly energizes Integrity in the way she once was anymore. She has bouts of more fire when an emergency happens and she snaps to, taking control of the situation. She also gets a little more energized when people need her. She has to feel needed. Otherwise, activity is draining. Thinking is draining. This is why alcohol helps–less thinking.

20. What kind of individual relationships do they have with others, and how do they behave in them? How are they different between intimate relationships like friends, family, and lovers versus more impersonal relationships?

She mothers people in her own way. She likes to take care of people, even if she can be blunt or a bit intimidating. With the average person she feels nothing for, she doesn’t change all that much. She still tells them what to do and is her usual self, uncaring of others’ opinions for her. She doesn’t really have any intimate relationships right now, so knowing how she acts in them is a bit difficult to discern.

31. Is there anything that counts as a “dealbreaker” for them, positively or negatively? What makes things go smoothly, and what spoils an activity or ruins their day? Why?

Positively, she really likes when people stick up for the “little guys”. Minorities, someone who can’t defend themselves, someone being bullied–she appreciates when others stand against the crowd for them. She really liked Havine for that reason, even if she didn’t get to know her all that well. Disloyalty is a quick way to get Integrity to hate you forever. Betray her or the people you trust, and not only will she hold a grudge, but she’ll make certain to make your life miserable any way she can.In general, Integrity considers it a really good day when nobody gets hurt or when she’s made a positive difference where she can. It’s bad when someone dies under her care, even if it’s not her fault.

Qilana

6. What are they like in motion–in different environments, and in different activities? What causes the differences between these?

Qilana is most often teaching others. She has a proper, professional demeanor here, with crisp movements and a way of speech that seems sure even if it’s entirely rehearsed and practiced to push past her natural shyness. If she doesn’t have “material” or anything to help her know what to do, she’s a lot more mousy and closed in on herself, but still very cordial and polite. She just isn’t all that sure of herself in general and has a naturally quiet and often-overlooked personality.

22. How do people respond to them, and why might these responses differ?

In general, people assume she’s helpless or shy because of her behavior. When she does magic, people are shocked because she’s actually quite talented–not just because of her natural sorcery, but because she knows it in a way that she can manipulate it to her will. She’s also very intelligent, possibly even more so than Helmi–at least in the booksmart sort of way. She’s always surprising people with the things she can do.

24. How do they present themselves socially? What distinguishes their “persona” from their “true self”, and what causes that difference?

Like I mentioned, she’s painfully quiet and shy. She’s easily intimidated by social situations and seems unsure most of the time. When relaxed, she is still fairly quiet, and listens more than she speaks, but she’s obviously much more easygoing and has lengthy discussions about whatever interests her.

Ilweth

9. How do they manifest energy, exhaustion, tension, or other strong emotions?

Energy is manifested through excited words, touching things, and big smiles. Exhaustion is something she tries not to show outwardly, but she’ll get quiet and miss opportunities to try and snap at people. Tension is manifested by her being particularly nasty, her body closes in on itself by folding her arms, and she avoid direct eye contact unless trying to make a point. When she’s truly happy and at ease, she’s quiet, but it’s not tense, and she seems relaxed. If greatly upset… well, let’s hope that doesn’t happen to this poor thing.

19. How do they behave within a group? What role(s) do they take? Does this differ if they know and trust the group, versus finding themselves in a group of strangers? Why?

She’s basically the sarcastic asshole. In the New Dawn, as prisoner, she was just the bitter brat making scathing remarks constantly and trying to impose some power over them in her weakened position. If she was a part of a trusted group of people, she would be the smart mage, scoffing at the idiots in the group and teaching them better so she can be less embarrassed in their presence. In a group of strangers, she’s much more hostile, revealing nothing about herself and hiding her power in case she needs to use it against them.

23. How do they respond to difficult social moments? What makes them consider a social situation difficult?

Difficult social moments are ones she can’t conquer or dominate over. Ilweth demands control over every social situation as a display of power and for her own comfort–if she controls the flow of conversation, nothing unexpected will happen and she won’t reveal anything she doesn’t want to. Anything she isn’t controlling makes her uncomfortable, and she eventually shuts down to say nothing at all.

24. How do they present themselves socially? What distinguishes their “persona” from their “true self”, and what causes that difference?

Ilweth is stuck-up and sarcastic, prickly with everyone new until they prove themselves to be worthy of her presence. This haughty behavior is picked up from the cult she was a part of, where her superiors were hard and unforgiving, and her peers competed and fought at every turn about every little thing. So she has a front of toughness and anger that drives people away from even trying to be social with her. Her true self hasn’t really appeared yet, but we’ve seen little pieces with Kitrick. She’s actually really funny, and can be thoughtful and sweet if she really tries or has the desire to.

[wisdomwalked-blog]

you said all of them, instead how about every multiple of 3 B)

PHYSICAL PRESENCE AND GESTURE.

3. How do they position themselves in a group? Do they like to be the center of attention, or do they hang back at the edges of a crowd?

          annabeth is a leader, but she isn’t one to try to be at the forefront of a conversation of the one with all focus on her. she doesn’t fade into the background, however, but she’s also not someone overpowering. she has a presence that naturally draws people to her as a figure to follow due her mother athena being the goddess of wisdom. annabeth is thus someone that naturally draws people to her in times of conflict.

6. What are they like in motion–in different environments, and in different activities? What causes the differences between these?

          annabeth can be calm and frigid almost as if a statue when alone and studying something important. however, she is quick and skilled when in action or situations involving combat. regardless she maintains a calm and collected outward appearance in nearly any situation. its really only around someone that she is extremely close to that she lets her guard down. around someone like percy she is more open and goofy.

9. How do they manifest energy, exhaustion, tension, or other strong emotions?

          annabeth has become skilled at holding in her feelings and strong emotions. she doesn’t particularly like to let just anyone into the things that she is feeling. she typically tries to manifest all of her feelings into a very neutral sort of energy. its only when something really excites her or upsets her that she lets her guard down enough to let any other energy seep out. as for tension, she holds a lot of it, never really taking the time to get rid of it. most of the time she holds almost all of her tension in her shoulders. 

12. How are they bodily expressive? How do they use nonverbal cues such as their posture, stance, eyes, eyebrows, mouths, and hands?

          annabeth typically doesn’t use a lot of large gestures in expression. her eyes and eyebrows however are highly expressive. percy describes her as having a certain scrunched up face whenever she is deep in though and i think she definitely has other faces specific to certain situations and reactions. none-the-less she has a killer poker face when needed. only someone who is really in tuned to her would be able to really grasp what she’s thinking when she has her guard up.

DISPOSITION AND TEMPERAMENT.

15. What kind of inner life do they have — rich and imaginative? Calculating and practical? Full of doubts and fears? Does it find any sort of outlet in their lives?

          annabeth is very practical and calculating but she definitely has a rich creativity. at the same time she is often full of fear and doubt. what demigod isn’t to be honest? no matter what there is always a nagging fear of her own mortality or for those around her. annabeth typically tries to channel these negativities into her own creativity through design and architecture.

18. What kind of person could they become in the future? What are some developmental paths that they could take, (best, worst, most likely?) what would cause them to come to pass, and what consequences might they have? What paths would you especially like to see, and why?

          annabeth never really gave much thought to her future. after all, the odds of surviving past her teen years were pretty low. idealistically she would love to be able to go to college to study architecture. she’s very concerned with permanency and because of her short life expectancy she wants to make something lasting. i think there is another part of her that wants to spend her future with percy. annabeth’s ideal future consists of something some sort of permanency. she wants something that she can hold onto and not worry that its going to be ripped away from her at any moment.

CONNECTIONS WITH OTHERS.

21. What kind of relationships do they tend to intentionally seek out versus actually cultivate? What kind of social contact do they prefer, and why?

          she really doesn’t go out of her way to try to create relationships. usually she just lets them happen. she is cordial with social contact but she prefers to let people come to her instead of pursuing them initially. of course, over knowing someone she might pursue them as a friend or even a significant other. annabeth definitely prefers to interact with other people in person. phones are right out. they make her uncomfortable. letters and iris message are preferable but not to talking to someone face to face.

24. How do they present themselves socially? What distinguishes their “persona” from their “true self”, and what causes that difference?          

          annabeth puts up a wall when interacting with new individuals. she tries to highlight a darker more stern side of herself to avoid being taken advantage of. she doesn’t want to appear weak of dependent so she outwardly distinguishes herself as someone not to mess with. granted, its not a far stretch from the truth. however, in private and around certain people she is a lot goofier and dorky. more apt to gush about the things she loves and to just be a kid since she never really had that opportunity growing up.

ACTIVITIES AND PREFERENCES.

27. What do they strongly like and dislike, in any category? Why?

          annabeth loves moments when she can spend time alone. she likes to curl up with a book or take a nap. she also enjoys moments spent with close friends or a significant other. she loves moments where she can just feel another person’s presence next to her, even if they aren’t talking. as far as dislikes, she is not fond of people watching over her shoulder at what she is doing or generally being nosey with her work.

30. What is their preferred level of activity and stimulation? How do they cope if they get either too little or too much?

          being a demigod, she is genetically apt to dealing with high levels of stimulation. she has to be to survive. there are few moments when she isn’t faced with high amounts of stimulation all around her. i don’t think she dislikes it, but i do think she enjoys moments when she can just sit in peace, in seeming nothingness simply because it is a change and a rare moment to relax. annabeth never really has time to cope with the overstimulation presented in her life, and the lack thereof is often a a brief blessing and time for much needed relaxation. 

THINKING AND LEARNING.

33. How do they learn about the world–what is their preferred learning style? Hands-on learning with trial and error? Research, reading, and note-taking? Observation or rote memorization? Inductive or deductive reasoning? Seeking patterns and organization? Taking things apart and putting them back together? Creative processing via discussing, writing about, or dramatizing things?

36. How much do they rely on their minds and intellect, versus other approaches like relying on instinct, intuition, faith and spirituality, or emotions? What is their opinion on this?

          annabeth relies typically on her mind and intellect for any situation. of course she does have times when emotion and instinct take over. she is well aware of the way her mind works and the parts of herself that she relies on. i think she has found that intellect is often safest for her to fall on.

39. What sort of questions or thoughts recur in their lives, either specifically or as a theme? Why are these never answered, or answered permanently to their satisfaction?

          what happens next? her life is constantly unsure. she never really knows what to expect. will this quest be her last? will percy come back? she has a lot of what ifs regarding life and death. most of them are questions she really doesn’t want answered. annabeth would much rather live life with the what-ifs rather than knowing what is to come. living a life of a greek tragedy is much more fully lived when the outcomes are not known. 

[suzannemcappsca]

What does good mediation look like? A consumer’s eye-view.

Charlie Irvine

“Like poets, but with less time”

The Deep End

Getting to grips with mediation can leave students and trainees overwhelmed. That favourite training tool, the roleplay, throws most in at the deep end. The sudden immersion forces them to speak, listen and observe while trying to remember models and skills plus a sea of reading and the trainer’s feedback. Oh, and all combined with performance anxiety. (See Michael Jacobs’ excellent critique of this approach in “How About Making Mediators More Stupid: A Training Agenda”). This is well-intentioned and even helpful, but I sense that most emerge from their training with the same unanswered question: what does good mediation look like? To expand this slightly: what exactly do expert mediators do and say? How do they work their magic?

Rather than add more tips to the long list already out there (for which I must bear some responsibility: see Practical Tips for Mediators) I’d like to offer another perspective – the user’s. Regular readers will know that I am myself immersed in, and sometimes overwhelmed by, a PhD study of mediation parties. Mediation practice isn’t the main focus; in fact I’m researching ordinary people’s sense of fairness and justice. However, from time to time, in the stories I hear, I catch glimpses of mediators in action.

A Consumer’s Eye-View

Here’s an extract from an interview with a small claimant referred to mediation by the court (in Scotland, where this is a relatively new phenomenon – see And Finally… Some Plain English from Scotland). Asked if the process was fair this individual spoke highly of “the senior mediator”, then added this passage:

Respondent (R).. It was a good process. Yes.

Interviewer (IV).. Yeah? OK.

R.. Yes. It was fair –

IV.. And what made it so?

R.. The professional way it was done.

IV.. OK.

R.. Yeah. The controlled environment that it was done in. The clear wording that was used all the time. They had no – the mediator didn’t have a challenge from either party, so that helped.

IV.. Right.

R.. Neither party was challenging to any serious extent. There was never a raised voice, ever. But that’s only created if you create the correct environment and I think the mediator did.

IV.. OK.

R.. And a proper briefing in advance.

Sounds So Simple

What does this tell us about effective mediators? At first glance it’s simple, trite even: behave professionally, create a controlled environment, explain things clearly and, almost as an afterthought, brief people about what’s going to happen. And yet this person’s repeated mention of the lead mediator suggests there was something striking about her approach. The claimant clearly felt in very safe hands.

That ‘to do’ list elegantly captures four faces of good mediation: trust, setting, word choice and preparation. Let’s consider each in turn.

Trust: “the professional way it was done”

The mediator had clearly gained the individual’s trust (and the other party’s – note the reference to no challenges). How did she do this? I imagine in part by her actions. Winslade and Monk, in their 2001 book Narrative Mediation, say of trust: “It is primarily an achievement, or a moment-by-moment series of little achievements.” Yet trustbuilding has an equally important negative side – NOT taking actions that betray trust, such as revealing confidences or causing someone to lose face. A nice metaphor for trust is the stalagmite, built in tiny increments yet snapped by a single blow.

Image provided by Pixabay: https://pixabay.com/photos/cave-frasassi-stalactite-cave-2703778/

At the same time the statement speaks of being as much as doing. Mediators must be seen as trustworthy – “the sort of person you can trust”. I have a hunch that effective mediators share an unwritten code of values, most likely built up by trial and error. Examples would be treating everyone as if they’re well-intentioned (Bush and Folger articulate this in their Ten Hallmarks of a Transformative Mediator); assuming that if something’s a problem for one it’s a problem for both; being careful and consistent about what’s confidential and what needn’t be; and the right combination of patience and impatience. It sounds odd but clients tend to appreciate both telling their stories AND being kept on track.

Setting: “the controlled environment”

This speaks both of physical setting and atmosphere. Effective mediators care deeply about what’s around them. They understand a simple truth: if the room isn’t right, most people won’t notice. But they’ll blame the other party or the mediator if things don’t go well.

By “the room” I mean a raft of factors: the seating (too close, too far away, socially awkward positioning, not comfortable enough, too comfortable?); the lighting (too bright, too dark, sun shining in someone’s eyes, glaring fluorescent light?); the table (small, large, low, high, none?). And of course the temperature! Ijzerman and Semin’s 2009 experiment found that warmer conditions induced (a) greater social proximity, (b) use of more concrete language, and (c) a more relational focus. Surely all matter to mediators. My most frantic moments can be the few minutes before parties arrive when I’m shown into a cold, impersonal boardroom dominated by a large, rectangular table pitting one ‘side’ against the other. Cue urgent furniture removal, light dimming and air-con tweaking.

“Atmosphere” refers to the intangible yet instantly detectable feeling in “the room”. To an extent it wafts in with the parties. Humans are pretty good at detecting atmospheres: warm, cold, wary, angry, defensive. Yet they can also trigger and exacerbate each other, one reading wariness as coldness; another reading nervous laughter as mockery. So alongside the physical environment mediators need to shape the atmosphere. If things are fraught they calm it down. Faced with despair they pep things up, injecting energy and focus. And if someone’s angry and threatening they have the confidence to steer into conflict, curious about what’s behind the behaviour. They use their whole humanity: tone of voice, facial expression, hands, posture.

Word Choice: “the clear wording that was used all the time”

This could be the whole blog. There is something of the poetic about mediators in full flow. Like poets, but with less time, mediators must carefully weigh the precise tone of each word. They can’t wait around for inspiration, which Picasso said “exists, but it has to find you at work.” (Thanks to poet Anthony Wilson for this gem). Mediators too have to keep working, carefully crafting each question, each evocation, each capturing of the moment as an offering, for taking or leaving. If something doesn’t work, try something else. Don’t give up.

It’s hard to say much more. I absolutely hate scripts. The right word, the “mot juste”, is rarely planned – it’s a reaction, a response to something said or some look given. It’s both emotional and rational. First, watch and listen; then speak; then watch and listen. When you get it right you know it. When a mediator’s words land the effect is visible and visceral. It can be sudden or it can be gradual. No matter. When done well the atmosphere changes and the conversation flips from confrontation and accusation to the exchange of perspectives, the solving of problems and the saving of face. So hats off to our lead mediator for her “clear wording”.

Preparation: “a proper briefing in advance”

Again much could be said. Because mediation is a mystery to most we need to explain what we’re about. This is not the same as the traditional mediator’s intro. Liz Stokoe, author of “Talk: The Science of Conversation“, once told our national mediation conference that when potential clients hear “mediation philosophy” (ie impartiality, confidentiality, not-judging) it’s a tumbleweed moment. They zone out. They prefer to hear something more concrete : what’s going to happen, who’ll be involved and how long will it take. Presumably the lead mediator’s briefing did this so well that it seemed almost effortless, hardly worth mentioning except as an afterthought.

What Does Good Mediation Look Like?

This is just a snapshot. The American Bar Association’s “Task Force on Research on Mediation Techniques” produced a 2017 report running to 69 pages. Very good it is, full of detailed insight and carefully weighed analysis. Yet there’s something appealing about my Scottish consumer’s depiction of a mediator at the top of her game. This small business-person was understated and mostly factual, having to be prompted to reflect on the process. It was a bit like asking someone fresh from surgery how good the doctor was. You might think the result is all that matters, but people who feel in really safe hands go to great lengths explaining what the doctor did and said that “made all the difference”. It’s as much art as science.

So for new mediators the prescription is straightforward: do as much as you can. Volunteer, observe, co-work, get out there (see the recent Kluwer Mediation blog for Rosemary Howell’s inspiring tale of three new mediators who have). Each mis-step will lead to learning. Get 50 mediations under your belt; then 100. And sooner or later someone will say about your work “It was a good process. Yes.”

More from our authors:

EU Mediation Law Handbook: Regulatory Robustness Ratings for Mediation Regimes by Nadja Alexander, Sabine Walsh, Martin Svatos (eds.) € 195 Essays on Mediation: Dealing with Disputes in the 21st Century by Ian Macduff (ed.) € 160.00

from Updates By Suzanne http://mediationblog.kluwerarbitration.com/2019/03/28/what-does-good-mediation-look-like-a-consumers-eye-view/