#how long can I go without bringing cecil into this story challenge

[this-is-a-podcast-fanblog]

Chapter Two of my "Janet survives" Nilanjana/Janet fic is up! Featuring Carlos and Esteban, and the new University of What It Is staff.

[singledarkshade]

Edge Of A Blade

Summary: A year after losing Miranda, Rip is trying to help his son with his grief. He hopes ice hockey will bring Jonas back out his shell but it also may help Rip as an old friend is the assistant coach. Author’s Note: Day 5: “Time changes, people don’t” – Everyone is the same, but the setting is different, or possibly this is just a comment on the nature of being a Time Master. So, I was watching the Mighty Ducks TV show and thought, one of those kid looks familiar. It turns out the kid played Jonas. After a chat with @IncendiaGlacies, this fic appeared.                                ********************************************* The cold air hit Rip the moment he stepped inside the doors of the ice rink. He glanced at Jonas who had his eyes down, completely disinterested in why they were there. It was almost a year since they’d lost Miranda in the car accident that Jonas had been pulled free from with barely a scratch. The move to Central City was meant to be a fresh start for them, but Jonas didn’t seem to be settling in.

It was hard to watch his twelve-year-old son sleepwalk through life. Jonas had no friends and every day after school disappeared into his room, appearing only for meals. The school assured Rip that academically Jonas was doing well but they could see Jonas was not socialising at all.

Rip didn’t know what to do, Miranda would but Rip felt like he was floundering and failing his son.

The night before, sitting on his front steps contemplating what to do, Rip met his neighbour Joe West for the first time. He’d met Cecile, Joe’s partner, the day they moved in who had been incredibly helpful in getting him orientated, telling him the best places to shop or eat and Rip had been grateful for her help.

Joe had introduced himself, taking the offered beer, and as they chatted Rip found himself telling the older man his worries for Jonas. Joe listened sympathetically before mentioning that he coached a little league ice hockey team and suggested Jonas come along to try out for the team.

They’d taken him swimming and ice-skating from an early age most weekends as a family activity so Jonas could skate. He’d always enjoyed it and Rip hoped this would bring his son back to him.

“Rip, Jonas,” Joe skated over to the edge to greet them, “Good to see you both.”

“Joe,” Rip greeted the older man, “Are we early?”

Joe shook his head chuckling, “No, the team are just running laps outside after losing a bet with me at the last practice. This gives me time to see Jonas skate without anyone else around.”

Rip looked at his son, “Why don’t you show Joe what you can do?”

With a put-upon sigh, Jonas dropped his bag on the ground beside Rip, pulled on his skates and headed onto the ice. It had taken a lot to get his son to come this morning, finally Rip simply ordered him out the house and into the car, threatening to take away his phone and laptop if he didn’t. It probably wasn’t the best idea in the world, but Rip didn’t know what else to do. He took the bag and climbed onto the bleachers, seeing people he assumed to be the other parents in the café, taking a seat he watched Jonas skate around. And suddenly there was his son once more, racing around the rink with a smile on his face, listening to Joe explain the rules of ice hockey.

It was the most alive Jonas had looked in such a long time.

 Almost ten minutes had passed since Jonas began skating when the rest of the team arrived back, a woman running with them and shouting encouragement. Rip instantly recognised the voice before he even saw her face.

“Gideon?” he breathed in amazement.

“She’s the team’s assistant coach,” a voice came from his side making Rip turn to find a blonde woman walking along the bleachers to where he was sitting, “And you’re the dad for our new guy.”

“Rip Hunter,” he introduced himself, “My son, Jonas is talking to Joe.”

“Felicity Smoak,” she offered her hand, “Welcome to the ‘Lightnings’.”

Rip shook her hand, “So, which one is yours?”

“Number 5,” she pointed to the boy about Jonas’ age who was about to get onto the ice, “My stepson William.” Grabbing a seat at his side, she smiled “Joe said you’ve just moved here,” she paused before asking, “What made you come to Central City?”

Rip hesitated before replying, “My wife died a year ago and this is a fresh start for us. I’m hoping hockey will bring Jonas out of his shell.”

She nodded softly, “Joe is a great coach. He’s helped William with his confidence a lot over the past few months. And Gideon makes sure they all have fun as well as how to skate better,” Felicity chuckled, “I guess you recognise her from the Olympics.”

“Actually,” Rip smiled fondly, “I went to University with her.”

 Gideon smiled as the team all took their positions, she could see Joe with the new kid he’d told her about. There was something strangely familiar about him, but she couldn’t quite place what it was.

“Alright,” Gideon called getting the team’s attention, “You all know the drill. To the end and back, grab your stick and puck then round the cones. Let’s go.”

She smiled watching her kids go, she’d only agreed to be the assistant coach so Joe wouldn’t arrest her. The guy she’d punched had more than deserved it, but Joe pointed out unfortunately the law didn’t see it that way. He told her she would be his assistant coach then Joe talked the guy out of pressing charges, mostly by pointing out how embarrassing it was to have been decked by a woman who barely came up to his chest.

Concerned at first because she’d never really liked kids, she had always found them annoying and loud but from the moment she’d started working with the team Gideon had fallen in love with every single one of them. She knew their names, their likes, their dislikes, and their skills. To her surprise, they also loved her and always threw themselves into her challenges with enthusiasm.

As they started to play for a while, Gideon joined Joe to help work out who would start on their next game.

“The new kid is a very good skater,” Gideon noted as she watched him dodge around the rest of the team with ease.

Joe nodded, “And he seems to be enjoying himself.”

“I think you should partner him with William to help him with his skills,” Gideon noted, seeing he was not as comfortable with his stick as the others.

“Good idea,” Joe checked his watch, “Five minutes left, what do you have for today?”

Gideon smiled and reached for the bag behind her, “You’ll see.”

Chuckling, Joe blew the whistle three times letting the kids know it was Coach Ryder’s takeover time. They picked up all the pucks and put them out of the way before waiting. Gideon grinned and tossed several beachballs onto the ice. Joining the kids, Gideon grabbed a stick and joined them on the ice.

It was her favourite part of the practice, and a lot of the kids as well, when she took over and they either played a game or did a challenge. Finally, Joe blew the whistle again signalling the end of the practice. Gideon high-fived all the kids as they skated off, except their new boy who headed over to Joe to find out if he was staying or not. Turning to where the parents were coming to pick up their offspring, Gideon stared at the familiar man who was standing smiling at her.

“Rip!!!” she squealed joyfully, skating over she jumped into his arms hugging him tightly, “What are you doing here?”

He nodded across to the new boy, “Jonas joined the team today.”

“He’s your son,” she gasped, “No wonder he looked familiar,” she frowned confused, “Wait, Miranda agreed to leave London?”

There was no doubt, now she knew Rip was Jonas’ father that Miranda was his mother, but the woman Gideon knew loved London and would never have agreed to move anywhere in the UK never mind across the pond. At the sudden grief that filled Rip’s eyes, Gideon realised instantly and with tears filling her eyes whispered, “What happened?”

Rip took a slow breath, “Car accident, about a year ago.”

She squeezed his hand, “I’m sorry I…”

“We could have kept in touch better,” Rip assured her, “But it’s good to see you again.”

 Rip was extremely happy to see Gideon. She had been assigned as Miranda’s roommate their first year of university and they’d instantly bonded, then Miranda began dating Rip. The three of them had become a close unit who referred to each other as family. Rip and Miranda moved into a flat together in their third year and rented the spare room out to Gideon not wanting to let her be on her own.

After graduation, Gideon left to pursue her own dreams, the goodbye had been filled with tears and promises to stay in touch. Gideon returned for their wedding, but they hadn’t seen her since then. Miranda and Gideon exchanged cards at first, but it was hard to keep track of her as Gideon moved around so much.

Three months after Jonas was born, they watched her win silver for figure skating at the Winter Olympics, so proud of their friend, although Miranda felt she was cheated out of the gold.

“Dad,” Jonas called as he skated over to the edge of the rink, “Coach said I can join the team if I want.”

“That’s wonderful,” Rip clapped him on the shoulder, “Do you want to?”

“Yes,” Jonas beamed in a way Rip hadn’t seen in so long, “Can I?”

Rip nodded, “Of course.”

Jonas grinned before he realised Gideon was there, “Dad, you’ve met Coach Ryder?”

“Actually,” Gideon said before Rip could reply, “I have known your dad for a long, long time.”

Rip rolled his eyes at her explaining, “Gideon went to university with your mum and me.”

“You knew my mum?” Jonas asked softly, his exuberance melting away suddenly to sadness.

Gideon grinned wickedly, “Oh I have stories upon stories about her and your dad. Don’t think they were always boring parents because your mum was the most fun person ever,” before adding with a smirk, “Your dad wasn’t.”

Jonas laughed to Rip’s surprise.

“Why don’t you get changed?” Rip told his son, “And we can go get some dinner.”

Nodding Jonas headed off the ice leaving Rip and Gideon alone again.

“He’s a wonderful kid,” Gideon said softly, “I can see so much of both of you in him.”

Rip sighed, “Since we lost Miranda, he’s been distant. I’ve been trying to reach him for such a long time. This is the most engaged I’ve seen him in almost a year.”

She squeezed his hand, “He’ll get there.”

“Do you want to join us for dinner?” Rip asked hopefully, wanting to catch up.

“I wish I could,” Gideon grimaced, “But I have another engagement tonight.”

Rip smiled, “Girlfriend? Boyfriend?”

Chuckling she told him, “Business meeting with a client who is currently in Australia.”

“Soon though,” Rip told her, “I want to catch up with you.”

Gideon pressed a kiss to his cheek, “I promise.”

                                 *********************************************

 “Dad,” Jonas yelled, “Hurry up.”

“We have plenty of time,” Rip assured his son as he grabbed his coat and keys.

Jonas bounced impatiently at the car door, climbing in the moment Rip unlocked it.

“Joe hasn’t even left his house yet,” Rip told him son, pointing to the car in the driveway next door.

Jonas frowned, “I want to get some practice in before the others get there. I can skate but I’m only learning everything else and if I want to play in the next game, I have to get better.”

Amazed by how enthusiastic Jonas was after only one practice, Rip nodded, “Okay. We’re on our way.”

Rip had barely parked the car before Jonas was out of the car and was heading inside the building. They reached the rink to find a lone occupant already on the ice.

“Wow,” Jonas breathed as he watched Gideon glide and spin with ease.

Rip smiled at his son, “She’s the one who taught me and your mum how to skate.”

Finishing with a flourish, Gideon spotted them and skated over to the side, “You’re early.”

“Jonas wanted to get some extra practice in,” Rip told her.

Gideon grinned, “That sounds good. Why don’t you get your skates on too, Rip and join us for a while before practice?”

“Yes, Dad,” Jonas said, “Skate with us.”

At the two smiling faces, Rip gave in quickly, “Sure.”

 While Jonas practiced his stick skills on the other side of the rink, Gideon offered Rip her hand to help him on the ice, “How long has it been since you skated?”

Rip shrugged, “Over a year. Jonas hasn’t wanted to do anything like this for a long time,” dropping his head, he explained, “He was in the crash with Miranda, he wasn’t hurt but since that day it’s felt like I lost him too.” Rip sighed sadly, “Jonas barely even made a noise about us moving here away from everything he’s always known. I’m just so relieved he likes this.”

Gideon squeezed his hand as they glided around the rink, “I’m sorry, Rip. I wish I had known because I would have been there for you. I just kept putting off getting in touch.”

“Why?”

“Because being the best friend of a married couple is hard when you’re on your own,” Gideon let his hand go turning to face him, skating backwards, “I always wanted to find what you two had, which was not easy when I was so involved in your relationship. It was one of the reasons I left. Coming back and being just me, it felt like I hadn’t caught up and was still a third wheel. I had nothing special to show you.”

Rip frowned, “You won an Olympic medal.”

“An Olympic Medal doesn’t keep me warm at night,” Gideon replied adding, “That is currently my cat Mittens’ job.”

Rip laughed in disbelief, “You have a cat?”

“Yes.”

“You hate cats,” Rip reminded her, “You called Mrs Rollins’ cat the epitome of the species of evil.”

Gideon sniffed in indignation, “Mittens is a perfect angel and loves me more than anyone else does.”

Rip took her hand, spinning her back to his side, “That’s not true.”

She smiled at him, “I found her soaking wet in the alley near my flat as a kitten. I originally was going to dry her off and call the pound to take her but…”

“But?” Rip asked as she trailed off and did a small twirl.

Gideon shrugged, “She looked so sad and bedraggled when I brought her upstairs. Then once she was dried and drank some of the milk, she just snuggled up to me falling asleep.”

“So, you kept her,” Rip chuckled, seeing the other kids from the team arriving for practice.

Gideon nodded and they started back to the edge, “I did.”

He smiled, “That’s just like you.”

A slight blush touched her cheeks and Gideon tried to ignore it by calling, “Everyone on the ice and on the line in two minutes.”

Rip smiled and left her to sort the team while he headed to the bench to watch seeing Felicity was waiting for him.

 By the end of the warm-up Felicity had introduced him to the rest of the parents because, apparently, he only got to sit on his own for one practice. Rip was amazed by how the parents were not only very organised for the games and practices, but they also had team get togethers outside of those. In less than an hour, Rip had a calendar full of practices, games, cinema trips, pizza afternoons, birthdays, and barbecues.

“Don’t offer your place for anything,” Oliver Queen, Felicity’s husband murmured reading Rip’s mind, “You will upset the diary which has been delicately balanced over numerous negotiations.”

Rip frowned, “I should…”

“Trust me,” Oliver cut him off, “Enjoy the reprieve because if Jonas is on the team next year, then you will find yourself invaded.”

“As long as you’re sure I won’t be branded by not doing something,” Rip noted, “Then I will follow your advice.”

Oliver laughed before changing the subject, “Felicity said you know Gideon from college?”

Rip nodded, “Yes. It’s really good to see her again.”

“She’s amazing with the kids,” Oliver told him, “We were all surprised when Joe brought her in as assistant coach. At her first practice one of the older kids made a comment that because she’s a girl she couldn’t teach him anything. Gideon challenged him to a race through the obstacle course and not only won but did so in ways that had us all staring.”

Rip chuckled, “That sounds like the Gideon I know. She loves a challenge and can never resist a bet.”

“William adores her,” Oliver continued, “And since Gideon teamed them up, we have heard nothing all week but how cool Jonas is, especially since he’s sitting with the team at lunch.”

“That’s good,” Rip breathed, “He never said that he’s…” he sighed shaking his head, “It’s good to know he’s making friends.”

“This bunch won’t let him shy away,” Oliver replied, sighing as his name was called, “My turn for the post practice drinks. And you may not have to do the other things, but you’ve been added into the rota for next week.”

As Oliver left him, Rip turned back to watch the kids finding Gideon had them in two teams racing each other through an obstacle course. Spotting Jonas, Rip smiled, it was wonderful to see his son laughing and cheering with the rest of the team.

It was such an amazing change.

                                 *********************************************

 Gideon took a deep breath as she reached the front door and hit the doorbell. After several weeks she and Rip had finally managed to organise time for her to come for dinner.

“Hi, Jonas,” she greeted the near teen when he opened the door to her.

He gave her a quick smile, “Dad’s in the kitchen. You’ve just to come straight through.”

Entering the house, Gideon frowned slightly as she looked around. It was decorated plainly but it seemed comfortable and had the most wonderful smells floating towards her.

“Did you know that your mum and I got your dad cooking lessons for Christmas the first year we knew him?” Gideon asked Jonas as he led her to the kitchen, “He was the only one of the three of us who could cook to begin with, so we wanted him to learn more.”

Jonas laughed softly, “I didn’t know that.”

“It was your mum’s idea,” Gideon told him, “She always had great ideas.”

The entered the kitchen and Gideon took a deep breath realising what she was smelling, “You’re making my favourite.”

Rip turned and smiled at her, “Yes, Parmesan Chicken.”

Gideon gave him a quick hug, “I haven’t had it since I left because no one could ever get it right.”

Chuckling Rip turned to his son, “Why don’t you take Gideon to the table and get her a drink?”

Jonas nodded and led Gideon out to the dining table which had been set up for the three of them before he disappeared back into the kitchen. Gideon studied her surroundings again, noticing that there was nothing to show people who lived here. There were no little touches and no pictures anywhere. It made her sad because she remembered how much time they’d spent time decorating their first flat to make it look like it was theirs.

When Jonas returned with a glass of wine for her, she smiled at him. He really was such the perfect blend of Rip and Miranda, thankfully he seemed to have more of Miranda’s measured temperament although on the ice she’d already seen Rip’s fire in Jonas’ playing.

“Dinner is served,” Rip appeared carrying three plates and setting them down with a flourish.

During their meal Rip steered the conversation to Gideon, catching up with her since they’d last seen one another. Jonas sat quietly, although every so often Gideon caught a smile when she mentioned a memory of Miranda.

The moment he finished eating, Jonas stood, “William asked me to play some computer games with him tonight.” Rip frowned but before he could ask, Jonas added, “Online.”

“Okay,” Rip agreed, “But not too late. I know it’s Friday, but we have practice early tomorrow.”

Jonas nodded.

Gideon smiled as the boy left before turning back to Rip and seeing his frown, “What’s wrong?”

“There was a time he would have shot back at me not to keep you here too late because you had practice as well,” Rip replied sadly, “I keep thinking he’s coming back to me but then he shuts down.”

Gideon reached out and squeezed his hand, “It will take some time, Rip but he knows you’re here for him.”

 Jonas took his headphones off when William signed out the game. Even though it wasn’t that late they had hockey practice in the morning. Deciding to go get a drink, he frowned to hear Gideon hadn’t left yet. Jonas was even more surprised to hear his dad laughing.

Stepping into the living room, anger burned in the boy as he watched his dad and Gideon sitting on the couch, cuddled together as they laughed.

“What are you doing?” Jonas found himself yelling, making them stop laughing and turn to him, “You’ve forgot Mum already?”

His dad stood, “Of course I haven’t, Jonas.”

“Then why are you here with her,” Jonas accused, “You’re acting like it’s fine Mum is gone.”

Astonishment covered his dad’s face, “Jonas…”

“You made me leave our house to come here,” Jonas continued to yell, “Where there’s none of Mum’s stuff anywhere. I’d didn’t want to leave our home, I didn’t want to come here, but you made me, and I hate you.”

Finished, Jonas spun and ran up to his bedroom, slamming the door before throwing himself onto the bed.

 Rip stared after his son stunned, he came out of his trance when Gideon touched his arm.

“He didn’t mean it,” Gideon said softly, “You know that.”

Rip sighed, “As bad as it is that Jonas just told me he hates me, this is the most emotion he’s shown outside hockey practice in a year.”

“I’m going to go,” Gideon told him, “I’ve ordered a taxi which will be here in a few minutes. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Rip nodded and hugged her, “I’m so glad to have you here, Gideon. I have missed you so much.”

Hugging him back, she whispered, “I missed you too.”

Rip walked her to the door and waited until she was in the car, with her promise to let him know she was home safely. Closing the door, Rip let out a long sigh and walked up to his son’s bedroom.

He knocked, knowing that barging in right now wasn’t a good idea.

“Go away,” Jonas yelled, Rip could hear the tears in his son’s voice.

“I need to talk to you,” Rip replied, “I am not leaving until I do.”

There was silence for several minutes before Jonas finally called, “Fine.”

Opening the door, Rip found his son sitting on his bed against his pillows, arms crossed stubbornly while the tear tracks on his cheeks showed he’d hastily wiped his tears away.

Taking a seat on the edge of the bed, Rip sighed, “I miss your mum so much.”

Jonas sniffed but didn’t say anything.

“I know what it looked like, but Gideon is an old friend,” Rip reminded Jonas, he sighed before explaining, “When I think about your mum, I get so sad, and it hurts so badly she’s not with us anymore.”

Jonas frowned, “Then why were you laughing with…with…with her?”

Deciding not to scold him for not using Gideon’s name, Rip replied, “Gideon was reminding me of a bet your mother made with her that meant Gideon had to dye her hair blue when she lost. I was laughing because I’d forgotten how much fun we always had together and how mischievous your mum was.”

“You were talking about Mum?”

Rip nodded, moving to sit beside Jonas and wrapped his arm around his son, “I was. I haven’t forgotten her, and I miss her more than I can say,” hugging Jonas close, Rip whispered, “I’m sorry you feel like I dragged you here, but I was trying to do what was best for us.”

Jonas turned and wrapped his arm around Rip as he cuddled close, “I miss Mum.”

“I know,” Rip whispered.

Jonas gripped Rip tightly before muttering, “It’s my fault she’s gone.”

“What?”

“I wanted to go to the cinema,” Jonas told him, “If we’d gone swimming like she said we wouldn’t have been driving that way.”

“Jonas,” Rip moved so he was looking in his son’s eyes, “It’s not your fault. The only person’s fault it is that there was a crash was the man who stole the car that hit you. I am just so relieved that I didn’t lose you too.”

Tears fell from Jonas’ eyes, “But…”

“No buts,” Rip hugged him close again, “It was not your fault, and your mum would never want you to think that.”

Rip held his sobbing son until Jonas fell asleep knowing he had to unpack properly and put up some of Miranda’s things especially pictures of her. He had to make this place a proper home for Jonas and that needed to include his mother. As Jonas murmured in his sleep, Rip hugged his son close to soothe him and decided to sit with him just for a little longer.

                                 *********************************************

 Gideon walked into the rink finding some of the kids were already on the ice, with their parents in the café setting up the snacks and joking with one another. It was something she loved about the team, there were no pushy parents forcing their kids to play when they didn’t want to or be the best. Everyone understood that this was meant to be a fun activity for the kids, who were all friends which meant that the parents had all become good friends as well.

She’d let Rip know she was safely home the night before and he’d sent her a quick text back just saying goodnight but nothing about how Jonas was. She was worried, not about Jonas because she knew Rip would comfort his son, but about Rip. She knew that he wasn’t truly coping with their loss as well as he appeared to be.

Rip had always been stoic, and insular with his emotions. Miranda and Gideon were the only people he had ever really opened up to, and Gideon could see how close to breaking he was. She knew that his son was all that was keeping Rip going right now.

“Gideon,” a quiet voice made her look up to find Jonas standing contritely.

She smiled at him, “Good morning, Jonas.”

“I wanted to apologise,” he said softly, “I was very rude to you last night.”

Gideon motioned him to sit by her side, “It’s okay. I know how much you miss your mum. And it must have been weird to see your dad laughing with me.”

Jonas nodded.

“Your mum was my best friend,” Gideon told him, “We had so much fun together along with your dad. I wanted to remind him of that because I can see how sad he is right now.”

“He doesn’t seem sad sometimes,” Jonas sighed.

Gideon squeezed his shoulder, “Because he is trying so hard to be strong for you. You are everything to him, Jonas.”

“I’ve been horrible to him,” Jonas whispered.

“He understands how hard it’s been for you losing your mum and then moving here,” Gideon soothed. She patted his shoulder, “I’ll make you a deal. You let him look after you and I will look after him. Although I am warning you that means I will be around a lot,” she paused and grinned, “Mostly because your dad feeds me.”

Jonas let out a small chuckle and Gideon smiled at that.

“Time to practice,” Gideon told him, “We have a game this afternoon.”

 Rip had no idea that his Saturdays were going to be spent in the ice rink, when he signed Jonas up to practice with the team, but he liked it. Jonas was beginning to settle in and had made friends with the other kids which Rip was happy about. It was a relief to know that Jonas was settling in.

For him though Rip was so happy that Gideon was here, there had been so many times in the past year he’d wished for her comfort but had no idea how to contact her.

“Dad,” Jonas yelled excitedly making Rip jump out of his reverie, “Guess what?”

Rip smiled softly despite already sure of the news, “What?”

“I’m playing in the game this afternoon,” Jonas beamed, “I might not be on the ice long, but Coach said I’ll get to play for a while.”

“Your hard work paid off,” Rip said as he hugged his son.

“You’ll be here?” Jonas asked quietly.

Rip smiled, “I will be right here cheering you on.”

Jonas grinned and hugged Rip, before turning as he was called by Lyla to join the rest of the team for lunch. Rip watched him head to the café where the kids were all being fed lunch.

“They’re amazing, aren’t they?” Gideon asked as she sat at his side, handing him a plate with a roll and sausage, “And this is how every game day goes. Practice then food before the game.”

Rip chuckled, “They are supremely organised.”

“Jonas is so excited to be playing today,” Gideon said, “The moment he was told I saw him looking up, desperate to tell you.”

Rip smiled, “I haven’t seen him so happy in what feels like forever.”

“He apologised to me this morning,” Gideon told him, “He’s a sweet kid.”

Proudly Rip nodded, “He is.”

“More Miranda’s kid than yours,” Gideon teased, making him chuckle softly. She patted his leg, “Eat up. We have a game this afternoon.”

 “Is this usual?” Rip asked as he joined the parents at their seats in the bleachers while the kids warmed up.

Oliver shook his head, “No. Other teams don’t have a reserved bench for the team’s parents. Joe set this up, so we are a family. It’s the feeling he and Gideon try to foster at all times.”

Rip nodded, “That’s a great idea.”

“It is,” Oliver agreed before asking, “Ready for this?”

“For what?”

Ten minutes later Rip understood what Oliver meant as one of the opposing team slammed into Jonas sending him flying face down onto the ice. Rage boiled in Rip that someone dared hurt his child and he knew at this point Miranda would be on her feet ready to attack. He felt Lyla’s hand on his arm, keeping him in his seat.

“It’s part of the game,” she soothed, “Jonas is not only fine, he and Ruby have just taken out the kid who hit him.”

Rip was wondering if letting his precious son be a part of such a rough sport was a good idea when Jonas suddenly got the puck, he dodged around the opposing team, passing it to William who passed it back a few seconds later and Jonas headed for the goal.

Rip found himself on his feet staring, he could feel Lyla’s hand gripping his arm tightly as every member of the parent’s bench yelled encouragement to Jonas. One of the other team appeared in front of Jonas, who spun using a move Gideon had taught him to dodge before he took his shot.

The alarm sounded as the puck found the back of the net and everyone cheered, Rip saw his son celebrating. Gideon was cheering and hugged Jonas when he skated over to her. When Jonas turned to him, Rip grinned and waved at him.

Only a few weeks ago, Rip never thought he’d see Jonas smile again and here he was beaming with pride as his new friends crowded round him.

Although he knew they still had a long way to go after losing Miranda, Rip felt he had his son back.

[gstqaobc]

CBC THE ROYAL FASCINATOR

Friday, April 09, 2021

Hello, royal watchers and all those intrigued by what’s going on inside the House of Windsor. This is your biweekly dose of royal news and analysis. Reading this online? Sign up here to get this delivered to your inbox.

Janet DavisonRoyal Expert

Prince Philip’s life of duty

(Adrian Dennis/Getty Images)

For so many years, Prince Philip was at Queen Elizabeth’s side — or walking just behind — deeply devoted in his duty as consort to the woman who is now the longest-reigning monarch in British history.

But the Duke of Edinburgh, who died this morning aged 99 at Windsor Castle, was seen by many as having his own role in helping an institution steeped in tradition try to find its way toward the future.

Much of that began nearly 70 years ago, after the former sailor who gave up a successful naval career saw his wife ascend the throne.

“What Prince Philip did was help modernize the monarchy in the 1950s,” Michael Jackson, president of the Institute for the Study of the Crown in Canada, said in an interview this morning.

“It was still a very tradition-bound institution…. We can credit Prince Philip, with the Queen’s full support, of course, with modernizing [its] finances, protocols, how Buckingham Palace was run … its outreach to the Commonwealth.”

Philip pushed to have Elizabeth’s coronation televised in 1953, an idea she did not wholeheartedly welcome at first.

“He was the modern person,” John Fraser, author of The Secret of the Crown: Canada’s Affair with Royalty, said in an interview this morning. “He was in touch with real people, non-royal people, and so he always had the instinct to reach out. He understood both the dark side of the media presence as well as the necessity of it.”

Fraser credits Philip’s profoundly unsettled early years, after he was “born in poverty and insecurity,” with how he looked toward the future of the Royal Family, and the monarchy.

“I do think those early years were the single biggest factor in his life and how he approached life,” said Fraser. “I think he never assumed things would last forever because he didn’t make any assumptions like that, and I think he certainly assumed the monarchy wouldn’t survive if it didn’t reach out more to the constituency that it had to serve.”

Fraser met Philip, and recalled him as a man who would revel in asking questions and challenging others.

“He was — charming is not the word I would use — but he was an invigorating person to speak to.”

Jackson, who was Saskatchewan’s chief of protocol from 1980 until 2005, met Philip during four visits to the province — three with the Queen and one on his own — and remembered a man with “a great sense of humour.”

“Sometimes people found him a bit abrasive, a bit abrupt, but that’s the way he was,” said Jackson.

“He was a straight shooter and he complemented the Queen beautifully because the Queen is a very soft-spoken, more laid-back person. Prince Philip really spoke his mind and occasionally made jokes and … put everyone at ease. I found him very refreshing, good to work with.”

With Philip’s death, there is an inevitable sadness for the Queen, and inevitable concern for how she will cope with the passing of her husband of more than 73 years.

Both Fraser and Jackson say the Queen will carry on, with Jackson noting “That’s the way she is. She’s a very strong person” with a deep religious faith that will sustain her.

“She’ll do her duty,” said Fraser. “And I think that’s the big lesson of him. He did his duty.”

For a full obituary of Prince Philip, click here.

For photos from Prince Philip's royal career, click here.

Family dysfunction

When Philip Mountbatten married Princess Elizabeth in 1947, the family he was joining was in marked contrast to the fractured one he had known in his youth. His parents' marriage broke down and offered him nothing like the nuclear family arrangement (mom, dad and two kids) that Elizabeth had known throughout her childhood. "In marrying the Queen, [Philip] gained that sort of stable home life that he didn't have when he was younger," royal author and historian Carolyn Harris has said in an interview. Philip's parents were Prince Andrew of Greece and Princess Alice of Battenberg, a great-granddaughter of Queen Victoria. Philip was born a prince of both Greece and Denmark on June 10, 1921, on the dining room table at Mon Repos, a villa that was the summer home for the Greek royals on the island of Corfu. He was the last of five children — his four older siblings were all girls. At the time, he was sixth in line to the Greek throne. But life in Greece didn't last long. His father, a professional soldier, was exiled from Greece in 1922 as his uncle, King Constantine I, was forced to abdicate. Philip's family fled, with the story being that Philip was nestled into an orange box as the family was evacuated from Greece on a Royal Navy ship. They eventually made their way to Paris. Philip's childhood took a "dysfunctional turn," author Sally Bedell Smith wrote in her book, Elizabeth The Queen, when he was sent by his parents at the age of eight to England for boarding school. The family eventually broke down. Philip's mother, who was born deaf, was ill periodically, diagnosed with schizophrenia and spent time in a sanitarium in Switzerland. His father went off with his mistress to Monte Carlo, where he died in 1944. Philip was left to be brought up in the U.K. by his mother's family, shuffled among various relatives and boarding schools throughout his youth. He didn't see or have any word from his mother between the summer of 1932 and the spring of 1937. "It's simply what happened," Philip said matter-of-factly in an excerpt from a book by Philip Eade, Young Prince Philip, Turbulent Early Years, published in the Telegraph. "The family broke up. My mother was ill, my sisters were married, my father was in the south of France. I just had to get on with it. You do. One does." As life went on, there really was no father to guide, consult or do anything else a father can do for his child. Several other close relatives died in his early years, including his favourite sister, Cecile, and her family in a plane crash in 1937. The following year, the 2nd Marquess of Milford Haven, his uncle and guardian, died of bone cancer. That left the marquess's younger brother, Louis Mountbatten, to bring up Philip. His family ties also extended into Germany. Three of his sisters were married to German princes involved in the Nazi party. Cecile and her husband, Don, had just joined the Nazi party before they died. Those family alliances had a visible repercussion when Philip and Elizabeth were married in 1947. "His sisters were not invited to the wedding as they were married to German princes who had been involved in the Nazi party during World War Two," Harris said. Philip's mother, Princess Alice, however, was at the wedding, and in her later years, came to live at Buckingham Palace. Alice had her own moment in the cultural conscience in 2019, as an episode during the third season of the Netflix drama, The Crown, focused on her. "She's just the most extraordinary character," Crown creator Peter Morgan told Vanity Fair. She set up charities for Greek refugees and later established a nursing order of Greek Orthodox nuns. During the Second World War, while her son was serving with the Royal Navy and her German sons-in-law fought for the Nazis, she was hiding Jews in Athens. As much as there was the distance between Philip and his mother in his younger years, there was a closeness later. Alice came to live at Buckingham Palace in 1967. Alice died at the palace in 1969 and was interred in the royal crypt at Windsor Castle. In 1988, her remains were transferred, as she had wished, to the church of St. Mary Magdalene in east Jerusalem. In a 1994 visit to the Yad Vashem Holocaust memorial in Jerusalem, Philip planted a tree in his mother's honour and visited her gravesite. "I suspect that it never occurred to her that her action was in any way special," Philip said during his visit. "She was a person with deep religious faith and she would have considered it to be a totally human action to fellow human beings in distress."

No stranger to Canada

(Frank Gunn/The Canadian Press)

Prince Philip's last visit to Canada was a short one in 2013 — on his own, without the Queen — to present a ceremonial flag to the Royal Canadian Regiment's 3rd Battalion. It came as something of a surprise. Philip had experienced a few health scares in the 18 months prior. So overseas travel was not necessarily a given for the Duke of Edinburgh at the time. But given Philip's feisty personality, dedication to his role and some of the interests he showed over the years, his return to Canada — he made more than 70 visits or stopovers between 1950 and 2013 — may not really have been a complete surprise. The 2013 trip was billed as a private working visit and was only a few days long. But while he was here, he was finally able to pick up the insignias he had been awarded as companion of the Order of Canada and commander of the Order of Military Merit from David Johnston, then Canada's governor general.

To read more about Philip’s time in Canada, click here.

Royally quotable

“He is someone who doesn't take easily to compliments but he has, quite simply, been my strength and stay all these years, and I, and his whole family, and this and many other countries, owe him a debt greater than he would ever claim, or we shall ever know.”

— Queen Elizabeth, publicly acknowledging Prince Philip’s importance to her during a speech on the occasion of their 50th wedding anniversary in 1997.

To read more on what Philip meant to the Queen, click here.

Remembering Prince Philip

Royal Fascinator readers are welcome to share their thoughts on the passing of Prince Philip, and any memories they may have of meeting him over the years. We’ll include some in the next edition of the newsletter.

I’m always happy to hear from you. Send your ideas, comments, feedback and notes to

royalfascinator@cbc.ca

. Problems with the newsletter? Please let me know about any typos, errors or glitches.

GSTQAOBC 🇨🇦🇬🇧🇦🇺🇳🇿

[word-of-sanjana]

Local Offices 2020

Ok, I am very hesitant to put my specific location info out there on the internet, but suffice to say, I am a Santa Clara County voter, and these are the offices at stake here in my area.

Researchers

Sanjana and her brother Aditya

all opinions belong to Sanjana

Short Guide:

US House of Reps, District 18: Vote Anna Eshoo over Rishi Kumar - those of you who know what it’s like living in a community with Rishi Kumar, I hope you are big enough not to wish such a nauseating fate on all of us in the United States

CA State Senator, District 15: Pick Cortese over Ravel, even though both candidates seem pretty solid!

CA State Assembly, District 28: Obviously pick Evan Low over Republican weirdo real-estate agent Carlos Rafael Cruz.

Judge of the Superior Court, Office No. 24: Stuart Scott gives me a bad vibe so I’m going to ABSTAIN from this one.

SUSD Board: The only candidate I feel comfortable recommending you vote for is Scott Adler. As risk management, for a second candidate, I will recommend Melissa Stanis because she seems more trustworthy than any of the other remaining candidates.

City Council: After watching the City Council Candidates Forum, I recommend Renee Paquier and Kookie Fitzsimmons. But even more than that, I recommend you watch the Forum and make up your own mind. I suspect that my priorities (connecting with other communities, making space for non-wealthy people, thinking about the needs of the larger Bay Area, dismantling the illusion that Saratoga is a “semi-rural” town), are not necessarily yours. Anyways, my former write-up is below, and I take it back because some of the candidates did touch upon at least a part of what I am concerned about. As they say, op-ed writing means always having to say you’re sorry.

Oh wow, turns out (to no one’s surprise), most of Saratoga and I have different ideas about responsibility, humanitarianism, sustainability, and above all courage. I am of course, talking about Saratoga’s complete refusal to consider affordable housing. This is the central issue for the campaigns for city council, and no candidates reflect my values, so I will be endorsing none. Privately, I will most likely vote for this office as a form of risk management, so if you want to do that as well, please consult the longer explanations below.

Long Guide:

US House of Reps, District 18: Ah, the local kiss-ass is trying to go to Congress. Rishi Kumar snaked his way into being a local “leader” in the community I live in just a couple of years ago. His main platform has been cuddling up with law enforcement, creating “neighborhood watch groups” that profile people on the streets, and showing an overall tone-deafness about privilege, race, class, and basic decency. A lot of my stories about him involve other people, so unfortunately I am not at liberty to share them here, but here’s a fun one that was published in local news. Rishi Kumar is slimy both in policy and personality, and if you support him, you’re a fool to think he would remember you ever again if somehow he went to Washington.

As for Anna Eshoo, she’s nowhere near my ideal rep- she’s a classic establishment Democrat and career politician, and I can’t see her pushing for much-needed changes in the Democrat Party despite her influence. She’ll keep doing what she always does, and “the usual” is not something I’m satisfied with. However, for this office this year, we didn’t have any good candidates, and out of all the scrubs who showed up, she at least has some basic competency to get the job done. So, for the sake of not unleashing Rishi Kumar on the nation, I’ll endorse Eshoo for US Rep.

Sources: candidate campaign websites, community connections

CA State Senator, District 15: I have some internal conflict over this one. Dave Cortese has been involved in South Bay politics for years, and has a strong backing from progressive groups. But on the other hand, Ann Ravel has a record of bravery in fighting dark money, and also, I like what I’ve seen of her character. Honestly, I wish both of them could go to State Congress (and how rare is it to feel that way about an election!) In the end, I am going to endorse Cortese for State Senator simply because progressive orgs that know more than me are backing him. Ultimately, you want a senator that will work with the local groups doing the work on the ground, and if these groups are backing him, then they must have faith that he will get the job done in Sacramento as well. Still hoping to see more from Ann Ravel in the future!

Sources: candidate campaign websites, this interview on Valley Politics August 2020, SF Chronicle endorsement, Progressive Voters Guide, research I did back in the primaries

CA State Assembly Member, District 28: This one is a no-brainer; vote Evan Low. He’s been around for a few years now and from what I’ve seen, he’s alright. Actually when I get more time to be a politics nerd, I might go through his voting record and see what I find in there; I was told by Progressive Voters Guide that it’s mixed, and I’m curious to see for myself. Oh yeah, the opponent in this race is Carlos Rafael Cruz, who is a never-held-office Republican real estate agent, who seems to think Sacramento is trying to take over parenting? He garbled something about how children are all gonna be “emancepated wards of the state”. Anyways, the choice is clear just from the ballot itself- there really was no other research necessary heh.

Sources: candidate campaign websites, Progressive Voters Guide, official ASM28 website, research I did back in the primaries, background knowledge on Evan Low from a few years ago in his last election

Judge of the Superior Court, Office No. 24: My friend in Chicago gets to vote Yes/No on Judges?! And here in California we basically don’t have a choice by the time the General election rolls around. Anyways, this dude, Stuart Scott gives me a bad vibe. He’s super pals with the police– and he used to be a prosecutor– and this incident rubs me the wrong way. So instead of voting for him, I will ABSTAIN.

Sources: Ballotpedia, 2016 Mercury News article, Gilroy Dispatch article

SUSD Board:

Scott Adler mentioned that he wants to “acknowledge and address racism, sexism, harassment and bullying” which sounds good to me. It could be empty words, but at least mentioning these realities is a needed start. I’ll give him a shot and say YES.

Melissa Stanis seems like a dedicated parent volunteer, which is not necessarily what the school board needs. I’m more interested in finding someone who will bring challenging issues to the forefront. But she does seem to really care about the students and the district, and that is not a bad base for a school board. (Plus, I didn’t like the candidates below very much.) So while it’s not an enthusiastic endorsement, she has at least half a YES from me.

Cecile Cohen-Jonathan mentions “social-emotional programs” for students, which sounds intriguing, but I’m unclear what these programs are without concrete details. Can’t support without enough info so it’s a NO.

Sunita Verma’s “Voice of the community” section says ”I will work to ensure visibility to all district stakeholders through open and timely communication,” and if I was a corporation, that would sound great. Unfortunately for her I am a human, so her corporate tone plus a lack of any interesting policies makes her campaign a NO in my book.

Azadeh Weber says some great things about mental health and about connecting with the larger community. However, she is also supported by the Libertarian Party, so... hm. In politics, it’s always best to look at actions first, allies second, and words third, so even though the words are good, the allies are not, so it’s a NO from me.

Sources: candidate campaign websites

City Council: Ugh. Ok, first things first- all these candidates are against SB 35, the bill that mandates counties build affordable housing. There are valid reasons to be concerned with putting local control in the hands of the state; HOWEVER, to my understanding, we in this area have not made ANY notable steps to build affordable housing on our own, so OF COURSE the state is going to take control when there is this crisis going on. Despite what many want to believe, Saratoga isn’t a separatist, elitist colony– we’re as much a part of the larger Bay Area community as anyone, and if we can help with the housing crisis, we have a responsibility to step up. SB 35 may or may not be the best way to force this town to help our community; there are, as always, legitimate concerns as to how changes will play out. But the housing crisis has gone too far for us to not take action, let alone pretend like we don’t have the means to do something. I find it shameful that so many of the candidates for city council are more interested in pushing back against SB 35 than looking for ways we can actually share support with the communities in crisis outside our borders.

[10/12, 11:30 pm: The City Council section is revised, with the old write-ups crossed out. I did indeed have to eat my own words on some of what I said previously, so please forgive me for being sharp-tongued on limited information. I have made the updated recommendations after watching the Saratoga City Council Candidates Forum.]

Belal Aftab may be what I initially suspected: a sheltered South Bay tech guy with political aspirations and a myopic sense of vision that extends to wealthy counties in the Bay Area and no further. He thinks Saratoga is doomed by SB 35. It’s a NO for him because while I don’t think he’ll change Saratoga at all, I do think he’ll continue the cycle of Saratoga elitism. Also, I don’t want to enable his inevitable State Congress run.

Belal Aftab is a finance/tech guy, but I wonder if he has higher political aspirations, given the pandering tone of the website. Anyways, his agenda has a couple of interesting ideas, like a “Psychiatric Response Unit“ and more city budget transparency. He also wants to work closely with the Sheriff’s dept. and wants to push back against SB 35, so clearly he and I are not on the same page here. I can’t in good consciousness endorse someone has a less than 50% chance of representing my values, so I’ll give him a MAYBE.

Renee Paquier seemed fairly balanced in her forum appearance. She talked about economic recovery for local businesses, which no one else addressed early on. She also consistently brought up discussion with community members, and deferred to the people most impacted when considering proposals. She also said she’s not against housing in principle, which is what I’m looking for (because I have lowered my standards after seeing the other candidates). Also, very tellingly, she was the ONLY candidate who supported Prop 15 (and one of two that supported Prop 16). I am still wary of her ties to policing, and given that we have a county Sheriff’s Office in our town, this is an important consideration. But by far she seems more progressive than any of the other candidates. Now that I have a better sense of her, I will say an uncontested YES.

Renee Paquier is a former cop turned West Valley Dean. She had no notable ideas, as far as I could tell. She does want to expand the Neighborhood Watch Program, you know, the one championed by the illustrious barf bag Rishi Kumar. Anyways, if it wasn’t clear before, it’s a NO.

John Fitzpatrick is obsessed with open space areas, and connects every question back to that. He says his lawyer skills will help when dealing with Sacramento. Altogether, it’s not enough so NO.

John Fitzpatrick seems really devoted to keeping low-income people out of Saratoga. His website even said “more highly skilled jobs in Saratoga could prevent the high density development that we are now facing,” which is real telling. I don’t have a NO strong enough for this asshole.

Kookie Fitzsimmons is a bit scattered but also does her research. She was open to new housing options and supports Prop 16 (one of only two people who do). I wonder if she’s too soft, but I’ll take nice over a snake any day of the week. Compared to everyone else here, she’s in the top 2 so it’s a YES from me.

Kookie Fitzsimmons has the worst website I’ve seen so far. I didn’t see any specific policies proposed, but maybe it’s just on a page I can’t access cause the HTML is so screwed up. No policy, so it’s a NO.

Doug Case had a good answer to the housing question about the need for space for people who need a place in Saratoga, like non-white collar workers whose children can go to the schools. But that was the only point on which we fully agreed. So he’ll come in third with a NO.

Doug Case has no website, and his candidate statement just talked about his life. So as usual, no policy, NO endorsement from me.

Tina Walia is very against SB 35 and very in love with self-promotion. She knows her policy and is ready to wield it against new housing as much as possible. She’s smart, so some of her suggestions are reasonable, but I see no evidence of a heart there. She kinda feels like a person who would be the headmistress of a school but doesn’t seem to care about humans as individuals to the point that you feel like, why did you choose this career? Anyways it’s a NO.

Tina Walia seems to have a great grasp of how Saratoga works, and would no doubt be an efficient and positive addition to the council. However, her policies are all in favor of minimizing Saratoga’s housing supply, with no other ideas detailed on her website. Hmm, should I vote for a probably decent person who has clashing values with me? MAYBE, but I don’t know what I’ll choose yet.

Sources: candidate campaign websites, LWV Candidate Forum - Saratoga City Council

Conclusion

Finally I am DONE! Researching those local offices ended up being pretty grueling. But they are all very important, so I hope you will vote in these  elections, or whichever downballot elections are in your area. These are the positions that most directly affect people’s lives, so don’t forget about them! As of now [Oct. 12, 2020], this section is complete!

[authorbelleward]

Halloween in Central City

A/N: I finally finished! Time snuck up on me, so this ended up being a little rushed. This is for the DCTV Halloween Challenge! I wanted to get back into the writing mindset and, with NaNo coming up FAST, this was a great way to do it! Take note, this is sliiightly canon divergent. The prompts I chose are listed below! Now, without further ado, enjoy some Flash chaos!

Pumpkins/Jack-O-Lanterns/Pumpkin Patch

Candy

Costumes

A quick glance at the others in the room told him he wasn’t the only one staring.

Honestly, they should have seen this coming. He always got excited - they all got excited when it came to this holiday - but this… They hadn’t seen this before. Usually, it was an overkill costume or crazy decorations. This was a new one.

“That’s, uh…” Barry rubbed the back of his neck, looking between the mountain of candy and Cisco. “A lot?”

“Cisco, exactly how much did this cost?” Caitlin asked, sounding somewhere caught between stern and heavily amused.

The doctor was in costume, decked out head to toe in...sparkles. Honestly, Barry hadn’t believed her when she said she was dressing up as Elsa, but here she was, wearing a white wig and killer eye shadow.

Cisco shrugged, like having six huge bags of Halloween candy was a normal occurrence. He was also dressed up for the occasion, decked out in the best and most affordable Batman costume he could find. The first time Barry had seen the costume, he’d wondered how his friend would fit all his hair beneath the mask. Apparently, Cisco’s solution to the problem had been to use one of the cheesy sunglasses masks. The contrast between the sunglasses mask and the semi-realistic costume was amusing, to say the least, but Cisco wore the glasses proudly.

As for Barry himself, he was dressed up as Batman’s friend-slash-enemy. In his defense, he’d had no idea Cisco was going to be Batman until after Barry had bought his costume. So, there they were. Cisco in a fun Batman costume and Barry with a red cape with Superman’s signature symbol on his chest.

“Enough that I’m probably going to be working overtime for a few weeks,” Cisco admitted before grinning. He bounced on his feet, clearly not bothered by this. “But isn’t it awesome? There’s no way we’re running out of candy this year!”

That got a laugh out of Barry. “That is true,” he admitted. “No, with this much candy, we’ll probably have enough for next year too.”

“That’s right!” Cisco cheered. He spread his arms wide, smiling proudly. “And we’ll once again be the cool house on the block.”

Barry shook his head, grinning, and walked over to one of their kitchen cabinets to take out one of the large, plastic Halloween bowls they’d gotten for candy at the dollar store while Caitlin raised an eyebrow. “We lost that status?” She questioned. “I wouldn’t have expected that, considering the fog machine you have hooked up every year.”

“Yeah, that is pretty awesome,” Cisco admitted, looking towards the dining room, where said machine was waiting to be set up. He sighed dramatically after a moment, “But,” he turned to face Caitlin again, the cape on his costume swaying with the movement, “sadly, yes, we lost the cool house status, because someone had to give out raisins last year.”

Barry pressed his lips together to keep from laughing as Caitlin’s mouth dropped open. “They were chocolate covered!” She protested, arms flying as she defended herself. “Those are good! And better than the obscene amount of candy you have stacked behind you!”

“The neighborhood kids think otherwise, Miss Snow,” Cisco chirped. He patted the stacked candy bags on the kitchen counter, a wide smirk settling on his face. “See, what kids look forward to most on Halloween is sweets. They get to eat as much as their parents will allow in a single night, and have plenty more for the days to come. It’s a special time. Raisins aren’t exactly something they look forward to. Even chocolate covered ones.”

Caitlin huffed and crossed her arms, lips jutting out in a pout. “I still say it’s not my fault. You were the one who-”

“Ah ah ah!” Cisco interrupted hurriedly, voice taking on a panicked pitch as he waved his hands in the air. “We don’t speak of that, remember? Lesson learned, trust me. I will never be making that mistake again.”

Barry smiled at his two friends, setting the bowl he got down next to the candy bags. “Well, this year there’ll be no raisins and no… Incidents. So, really, it’s win-win,” he said.

“I’ll accept that,” Caitlin smiled. She walked into the kitchen, her blue heels clicking, and grabbed a pair of scissors from a drawer. “Now come on, let’s get the candy set up for later.”

Cisco grabbed and grabbed the first bag. “I can get behind that.”

The three of them filled the bowl for the trick-or-treaters, then another for themselves to enjoy during the night. Now, the bowls weren’t small. They were fairly large. Yet, when they were done, there was still over half the candy leftover.

Barry crossed his arms and looked between the bags and the bowls. “So… I’m think we probably needed a bucket instead. A really big one.”

Caitlin hummed an affirmative. “We have the bucket we used for bobbing for apples last year,” she suggested.

Cisco waved a hand dismissively. “Nah, it’s fine. We’ll just give out tons of candy this year.”

“Almost literally,” Caitlin joked, red lips pulling up into a grin.

Before Cisco could reply, the bell rang, sounding over the spooky background music they’d been playing for the past hour. “I’ll get it,” Barry said, already moving.

He strode across the house, feeling himself start to smile again as he reached the front door, knowing exactly who’d be be there. Sure enough, when he unlocked and opened it, there stood Wally and Iris in all of their Halloween glory.

With many pumpkins on the porch.

“Hey!” Iris greeted, stepping forward to greet him with a hug. After a second, she pulled back and nodded towards the ground. “We brought the pumpkins, but we’ll need some extra hands to bring them inside.”

Barry had always thought she was a princess, but tonight, she literally was. Wearing a flowing gown of greens and creams, long white gloves pulled up to her elbow, and dark hair done in an elegant bun, she looked exactly like Princess Tiana.

Beside her, Wally was also proudly wearing his costume. And once it clicked in Barry’s mind what exactly he was wearing, he doubled over laughing.

“You did not!” He exclaimed, his loud laughs dying down into chuckles. He looked at his stepbrother again and shook his head, smiling widely. “Oh my God. Wally.”

Wally looked very proud of Barry’s reaction, if his grin was anything to go by. “Whaaat?” He asked, dragging out the word and fighting laughter himself. “Iris supports it!”

Barry exclaimed, “And I do too! I just...” He waved a hand up and down, gesturing the cheesy Flash costume, “didn’t expect this, is all.”

Iris rolled her eyes fondly at the boys, smiling at their antics. Before the conversation could go any further, she jumped in. “Come on, let’s get these pumpkins inside!”

With help some Cisco and Caitlin, the five of them got all the pumpkins inside and set up on the dining table, which had been completely covered in newspapers, along with various other things to help with pumpkin carving and decorating. Bowls, paints stencils, knives, and more were all laying on the paper, waiting to be used.

While waiting for the last guests to arrive, the five killed time by telling stories and talking. And laughing. Because the second Caitlin and Cisco saw Wally’s costume, it was chaos.

Caitlin slammed a hand over her mouth, eyes crinkling and shining as she tried not to laugh. Cisco, on the other hand, was gaping at Wally and looked like he’d just been betrayed.

“That’s what you dress up as?!” He yelled in disbelief. “Seriously? Why not Vibe, huh? Huh? I mean, the Flash is cool, but come on-”

Wally winced and hissed through his teeth. “Yeah, about that...”

When he didn’t continue, Cisco whipped off his Batman glasses and narrowed his eyes. “What?”

Wally clapped his hands together, took a deep breath, and... “They had no Vibe costumes.”

Cisco blinked. His eyebrows furrowed. He was silent for a moment... “WHAT?”

“Hey, I looked everywhere!” Wally said quickly, putting his hands up in defense. “They didn’t have any! Trust me, man, I tried.”

Cisco’s shoulders slumped. “Nothing?”

Wally nodded solemnly. “Nothing.”

Barry patted Cisco on the back reassuringly. “The city just hasn’t had enough time to recognize your awesomeness yet,” he consoled.

“Yeah! I bet you’ll have tons of costumes by next year,” Caitlin added, smiling softly.

Iris nodded confidently. “And then there’ll be tons of little kids walking around the city as tiny Vibes.”

The conversation moved on and half an hour later, Cecile, Joe, and Harry arrived, bringing the candles they needed to put the Jack-O-Lanterns. Harry wasn’t wearing a costume and was immediately chided by Cisco, which quickly got them bickering until Iris threw candy bars at them.

The night went by. Pumpkins were carved, tricks were played, candy was handed out, movies were watched. Between Cisco’s mountain of candy and having all the people he cared about having fun in the same place, with no worry about a metahuman, Barry couldn’t have asked for a better Halloween.

[tube-thoughts-blog]

tube thoughts vol. 5

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star- dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

Hanna-Barbera present Hillbilly Bears - "Woodpecked" *To stop Maw from nagging his lazy ass, Paw hatches a plan that involves hooking two woodpeckers up, only it backfires, when their screwing reproduces.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: "The Robot versus The Aztec Mummy" *Bring me the head of Montezuma, and make it snappy. MOOVVIIEE SIGGGGNNNNN!* 2 1/2 stars with riffing 2 stars without

Scare Tactics: ---- *Gorilla with a Fist: A slacker goes apeshit during an animal rights activist holdup at a crazy testing lab.* 2 1/2 stars

Anger Mis-Management: Aggression therapy gone wrong.* 2 stars

Fear Antics - The Mandroid: An idiot is convinced to act like a robot and wishes he hadn't when a slow thinking human goes crazy with a crowbar.* 3 stars

World's Scariest Flowers/Smell of Fear: A stalker's special delivery.* 3 stars

----

I'm Alan Partridge: The Talented Mr. Alan *"I was repellant, to women, for two years."* 3 stars

The Prisoner -- 1967 - 1968 -- "Arrival" *A Brit spy awakens in a sickly serene and isolated village from which there is no escape or cerebral evasion.* 3 stars

Shock 'Em Dead (Traci Lords) *A pizza slicin', and always being picked on, poindexter succumbs to the temptation of glowing green goo voodoo in order to become a 'rock god' in a prissy 80's hair-band.* 2 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Judy Miller Come On Down *A bitchy yuppy's boulevard of boring dreams.* 1/2 a star *Gameshow good fortune forces a 'days of future past' visitation experience.*      2 1/2 stars

Rifftrax presents J.J. Ambrams "Lost" (pilot episode) *"When in danger, when in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout."* 3 plus stars with riffing 3 stars without, and zero stars for the vomit vision use of shaking camera

Hanna-Barbera present Jonny Quest: Arctic Splashdown *The team travel to the North Pole to play around with whales, seals, walruses, and the coca cola polar bears. They also try to stop a Ruskie submarine crew from tampering with a crashed, in the ice, rocket.* 3 stars

"Dawn of the Planet of the Apes" *I was a stubborn human, refusing to give "Rise" a fair chance. I wanted humans, in ape costumes, acting ape. "Dawn" is smarter, and more well made, than any modern "Apes" movie has any right to be. Also, the scene where the villain ape rides horseback, through flames, firing twin machine-guns, during an all out ape-assault, on the human stronghold fortress is the most fun, and satisfying, thing that I've seen, in one of these "Apes" movies, since I first witnessed apes, on horseback, net a fleeing savage-human in the Charlton Heston' "Apes" classic.* 3 stars

Stargate -- Atlantis: "Rising" *Cracking through the ice to find the ancient city of the 'Gate Builders.' Genetically dialing into the unknown. Angels with ugly appetites.* 3 stars

Z Nation: Die, Zombie, Die... Again *Zombie Groundhog Day* 1 star

The Mothman Prophecies *An "It's A Wonderful Life" George Bailey type sad-sack goes chasing a shadowy figure through his own personal Unsolved Mysteries story.* 3 stars

Rifftrax presents "Paranormal Activity" 2007 *Uninspired. for the immature,'shock' end similar to those trick internet videos where a Linda Blair face pops up and screeches when you're staring at something bland for a while.so uncreative that it's more of a threat to the art of filmmaking than digital piracy.* 1 1/2 stars with riffing 1/2 a star without

Swamp Thing: Spirit of the Swamp *Green thumb for a black rose.* 2 1/2 stars

Thundarr, the Barbarian: Challenge of the Wizards *A wacky race, on horseback and roadwarrior vehicles, through a destroyed sin city, for the prize of the ultimate wizard's helmet.* 2 1/2 stars

American Horror Story -- Freakshow: "Pink Cupcakes" *Small screen jealousy. Picnic poisoning attempt. Girl with a goober gynecological visit. Gay bar American Psycho. Strongman finger torture. Missing maid's daughter. Lobster Boy looking for true love. Morbidity fame dreams. More David Bowie.* 3 stars

Bob Clampett's "Beany and Cecil" 1962 *"Your obedient serpent" a cartoon dragon handpuppet searches for a treasure in goldfish, solves an illegal eagle's bald shame, and screws up looking after the taco bell dog. Complete with commercials for Chatty Cathy, Matty Mattel, and Casper dolls, along with a Beany toy helicopter hat, plus the kid from 'Lost in Space' gets his own Dick Tracy official snub-nose revolver and tommy-gun (so realistic, modern parents' groups would be up in arms, ha.)* 3 stars

Silent Hill: Revelation *Ned Stark, and his bastard, try to protect Alice from underland. Flawed, but a better frightmare than its cousin series, Resident Evil.* 2 stars

Dr. Caligari 1989 *New-Wave Psycho-Sexual DADA Expressionism* 3 stars

Max Headroom --pilot episode-- "Blipverts" *Network 23's hotshot reporter is serious about getting a story, even if the higher ups are willing to snuff him out to stop it. That story being that subliminal sales messages cause slovenly viewers to suddenly 'splode.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: "Mad Monster" *Long in the tooth, and low on thrills, tale of a lobo named Petro.* 2 stars with riffing 1 1/2 without

Amityville 2: The Possession *Building on burial ground. Basement from hell. Blasphemy. Bad ideas coming from the voice in the headphones. Big, mean daddy. Bad parenting. Beating the kids. Blessing a bloody bed. Bellybutton penetration. Body horror. Bad touch with sister. Blue confession. Black mood birthday. Bullets for loved ones. Batshit defense in court. Bureaucracy of the church. Boy saved by sacrifice. Being forsaken.* 3 stars

Heart She Hollers: And So It Begends *The "Boss" of a grotesque backwoods town tries to continue to micro-manage from beyond via a surreal video-will and his idiot son that he kept secretly bricked up until now.* 2 1/2 stars

"Born Innocent" (Linda Blair) *Cold, mechanical 'justice' for juveniles. Few caring influences. Peers that are jealous hurtful monsters. Disinterested or damaging parental figures. Yearning and underdeveloped 'wards' of whoever is forced to deal with them, and it's unfortunately a system drained of any constructive compassion or intelligent humanity.* 3 stars

Town of the Living Dead: *Zombie Baby: The crew think they have a great idea, a zombie baby (rolls eyes). And they keep screwing up the gross birth scene and nervous kiss scene.* 1 star *Stunt-Double: The chubby mama's boy can't be thrown out of a window, so... a black guy has to take the plunge, instead.* 1 star

The Walking Dead: Self Help *Abraham scares people. He scares his family into fleeing from him, in a flashback, resulting in their deaths. He's about to commit suicide when he meets Eugene and finds his new purpose in life. Eugene needs to watch Abraham and Rosita have sex. He also needs people to believe he's smart. It's been tearing at him and he must confess his dark secret, but this might tear Abraham, and everyone else in the group, apart.* 3 stars

Hill Street Blues --pilot episode-- "Station" *Happy go lucky until it gets heavy and hits with a hard left hook.* 3 stars

Joe Bob's Drive-In: The New Kids *Two orphaned army brats go to live at their uncle's rundown carnival/petting zoo in backwoods Florida where a gang of good ole boys (lead by a creepy James Spader), who won't take no for an answer, decide to make their lives a living hell. Hicksploitation from the creator of the original Friday the 13th.*3stars

William Friedkin's "The Guardian" *A wood nymph (is that what she is?) who frolics & forest bathes nude. A killer tree, like  from Evil Dead, that rips people apart. Fairytale like wolves devouring human flesh. Nice modern architectured home. Beautiful wind cinematography like an Andrei Tarkovsky film. Skinemax levels of eroticism. Hansel & Gretel. Hand That Rocked the Cradle. Jeep Wrangler to the rescue. A little ham-fisted. Fun gore fx.* 2 1/2 stars

Kolchak, the Night Stalker: Legacy of Terror *For a year, Erik Estrada's character, PEPE, gets to hangout in a high-end hotel, play a flute, and be pawed over by beautiful blondes. That is if he willingly sacrifices his heart to an Aztec mummy. The fifth sacrifice in an every fifty two year ritual where the heroic are skewered so the blood god will someday rise again.* 2 1/2 stars

Sam Raimi's "Darkman" *Liam Neeson channels Lon Chaney & Boris Karloff doing Tex Avery & Chuck Jones cartoon  stunts meets a macabre moody Bruce Timm & Paul Dini cartoon story in one of the first truly good comic style movies.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: Corner of the Eye *A dying priest, suffering from demonic visions, is all out of bubblegum, and patience, with his alien overlords, even though they've given him a seemingly miraculous gift.* 2 1/2 stars

Rifftrax presents: The Bermuda Triangle -1978- *"Annoying sounds and boring repeatitive visuals, Bermuda Triangle, you spoil me."*  3 stars with riffing 1 1/2 stars without

Adult Swim, Newsreaders: *Motorboating Dads: Bros give parental advice for sons.* 2 stars *The Negative $100,000 Question: Smug,unfunny Children's Hospital"celebrity."* zero stars

The Simpsons: Itchy & Scratchy *"So television is responsible!" For the problems with the youth, today, that is. Ahead of its time in pointing out how media protests groups are misguided, could be making better use of their time, and hypocritical. Though it doesn't go easy on the media, either, which is why shows like Simpsons & South Park can be such good satires.* 3 stars

"Wavelength" 1983 *Sublime, stranded and subdued Navi 'children' send out strong signals that they'd like to  unobtain our stringent hospitality in this low fi sci fi forgotten classic.* 3 stars

Town of the Living Dead: Zombie Fun Run *The town asses (Thr33 Days Dead) organize a run-from-zombies-a-thon, and the town's assclown (Ben Farley) causes one of the town's jackass mascots (a mule statue) to get ran over, leading to the town's asshole authorities going out and catching Thr33 Days Dead with their pants down and their ass hanging out when they ask them to stop being a zombie pain in the ass all over town and ban them from filming in Jas(s)per.* 2 stars

Twin Peaks: The Path to the Black Lodge *"We are all God's fools, more or less, but you will learn, as I have, the value of hate."* 3 stars

Joseph Zito & Tom Savini present "The Prowler" 1981  --Veteran's Day Movie-- *I'll be seeing you in all the old, familiar places that this heart of mine embraces... I'll be looking at the moon, but I'll be slashing you... and pitchforking too...* 3 stars

Chuck Jones' "Yankee Doodle Cricket" *Call it macaroni* 2 1/2 stars

Sam Peckinpah's "The Osterman Weekend" *A cynical, Cold War, conniving version of 'The Big Chill.'* 3 stars

"Thr33 Days Dead" (Why not two e letters instead of two of the number 3? It doesn't look 'cool' and it becomes possible to mistake the title for a 'The 33 Days Dead,' at a glance.) *Plague of the 'People of Walmart'* 2 1/2 stars (It's more entertaining than Birdemic) or 1 1/2 stars (It's almost as poorly made as Birdemic) ---(((this movie is just asking to be riffed by rifftrax)))---

Scare Tactics------------ season 2 episode 6 *: A plumber's helper stumbles onto (Silence of the Lamb's) Buffalo Bill's messy bathroom secret.* 3 stars

*: "Are you kidding me, bro?... WTF, bro?..." Late night, middle of nowhere, construction site, strange cult terrorizing a bro scenario.* 2 1/2 stars

*: "You got me trippin'... I watch 'shit' on t.v." A goofy girl gets going- going- gone, when Mummyhotep begins to step.* 2 1/2 stars

*: A telekinetic tween's tantrum.* 2 stars

----------------------------------------------------

X Files ---pilot episode--- *A logical, lady FBI agent gets assigned to keep tabs on the guy, in the basement, lurking in the unexplained phenomena cases.* 3 stars

Bizarre Foods -- Ireland: Ancient Bog Butter *Waxing poetic over 3,000 year old marsh gunk.* 2 1/2 stars

A Return to Salem's Lot --1987-- *Diverges, almost entirely, from the mood and suspense of Tobe Hooper's Salem's Lot. I don't even see this as being the same Salem's Lot setting as that first tv movie. That one was quirky, to an extent, but this one is really quirky. It's a Larry Cohen style (It Lives & The Stuff) 'American Gothic' fatherhood/son struggle and a secret society / corrupt small town stake to the heart of a movie. Featuring a young Tara Reid as a Lucy Westerena type, an old bitter Jewish man as a nazi hunter turned Van Helsing, and a cultural anthropologist who ironically has to try to destroy one of the oldest fabled civilizations.* I give it between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Swamp Thing: Blood Wind *A mason jar filled with murderous moonshine mist that puts everyone in a killer rage. Mr.Butterfingers, Swamp Thing, accidentally lets the lid off of it to hilarious results. The craziest, best episode yet.* 3 stars

Farscape: DNA Mad Scientist *On a rock, covered with giant dinosaur bones, floating in a cold corner of space, a grotesque menagerie of lab workers now serve one of their experiments gone wrong. A stilt stepping, kinky outfit wearing, feline-esque Dr. Frankenstein seeks out all the best traits of every living creature, in the known universe, in order to further advance its own twisted evolution.* 3 stars

BBC All Watched Over By Machines of Loving Grace: Love and Power *The speculative power of computer systems versus the supreme success of global forces  like the Chinese. The desires of self superior people like Ayn Rand versus the so called weak and in need. Also, for some reason, a lot of looking back at Monica Lewinsky on her knees.* 2 1/2 stars

American Horror Story -- Asylum -- "Welcome to Briarcliff" *There are none so blind as those who will not willingly receive electroshock treatment and give morning confessional.* 2 1/2 stars

Bob & Margaret: A Tale of Two Dentists *Neglecting needs of his customers and wife leads to Bob losing them both, and both being  diddled by a bogus dentist & real looney known by the alias Harry Ramsbottom.* 3 stars

I'm Alan Partridge: "The Colour of Alan" *"I am happy. That may vwwewy wewwl be because I'm on morphine."* 3 stars

Paranormal State: Season 1 Episode 5 *A shaken teen girl, from Sin City, is seeing the scarred and strangled spirit, of a San Antonio teen girl, who died around the same age as she is during the paranormal state investigation of the situation.* 2 1/2 stars

Stephen King's 'Kingdom Hospital' season 1 episode 2 *"Inside the skull is another universe. The strangest, scariest haunted house of them all." Or in Lars Von Trier's and Stephen King's cases, a silly sausage factory featuring surgeons with unzipped flys, creepy ice cream man demons, aardvark assassins, and candle light dinners in the morgue.* 3 stars

--- Hanna-Barbera --- Hillbilly Bears: "Modern Inconvenience" *Paw gets mangled by Maw's flirtation with the new-fangled.* 3 stars

Thundarr, the Barbarian: Valley of the Man-Apes *To protect the village of the Lollipop Guild, a group of stinky simians must be stopped from reassembling an abandoned movie studio's animatronic King Kong.* 3 stars

Joe Bob's 'Drive-In Theater' presents "The First Power" *Another dime-a-dozen body hopping demonic serial killer thriller. Lou Diamond Phillips' idea of playing a hardboiled detective is to pass an unlit cigarette between his lips and his fingers, constantly, and to wear a heavy, black trenchcoat, during the heat of the day, in downtown Los Angeles. The Richard Ramirez type, "Pentagram Killer," has satanic powers of a super human variety. Also, a lot of side characters' stunt doubles doing unintentionally comedic acrobatics and kicks to the groin.* 2 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Women of the Prehistoric Planet *Time paradoxes. Stereotype sneaky "Japs." Toasted thunder-lizard. Rubber snake attack. Tropical set design studio setting. Rodney Dangerfield wannabe comic relief. Death by "plush toy" hopping spider on a wire. A boy, 'all alone,' named Tang. Blue Lagoon romance picnic. Red hiney monkey. Racist astronaut shoots the first minority he sees. Feel good ending where the two minority lovebirds are abandoned, by the spaceship, on a paradise planet, with an extremely active volcano and killer cavemen.* 2 1/2 stars with riffing 1 star w/out

Hanna-Barbera -- Jonny Quest: The Curse of Anubis *Hadji's Hindu whack a mole magic, flute serpent charming, and Jonny's motorscooter camel-jockey skills help stop a doomed thief from uniting the Arab world against the West via insinuation involving iconography and superstition.* 3 stars

Sam Raimi's "The Quick and the Dead" *Vengeance is mine, said the Lady to the Lord. A Sharon Stone western shouldn't work, but it does.* 3 stars

Space Rage: Breakout on Prison Planet --1985-- *There aren't any spaceships firing at each other in asteroid storms, though there is a arcade asteroids machine in a bar. This is a space frontier, corrupt penal/mining colony western. There are no laser blasters, only traditional western handguns, shotguns, and rifles. Replacing spaceships are dunebuggies. Replacing an otherworldly planet is the California desert. There's a great, constantly playing, punk-western soundtrack, and Richard Farnsworth, Michael Pare, and John Laughlin are badass as usual.* 2 1/2 stars

Cowboy Bebop: Sympathy for the Devil *Harmonica playing, mystical gem having, ageless child of evil -who needs to be and deep down wants to be put at rest.* 3 stars

Transformers: Fire in the Sky *Christmas/New-Ice-Age in July, when the Decepticon grinches try to turn the earth's core into a cold day in hell. Luckily for earth and the Autobots, an unfrozen, gigantic robot makes the right decision and sacrifices itself for its love of science and all creatures, including humanity.* 3 stars

South Park: The Magic Bush *"Jennifer Lawrence's butthole didn't take a picture of itself."* 2 1/2 stars

Comic Book Men: Brony Con *Grumpy forty-something comic nerds attempt a Vaudeville two-man horse act at a convention for twenty-something male hipster fans of a little girls' pony cartoon.* 2 stars

Adult Swim ==off-the-air== "Seramthgin" *Nightmarishly surreal art video garbage played, mostly, in reverse.* 2 1/2 stars

Z Nation: Going Nuclear *Citizen Z's paddle ball dexterity. Mt. Rushmore defaced. Glow in the dark zombies. Stealth until a zombie alert fart. Radiation sickness. Stopping a nuclear meltdown in the Black Hills. Twirling, Donatello-esque ninja staff that's actually a really long handled hoe. Hazmat suits & ammo. Radio controlled drone robot named Robbie who has a lazer cutter for mowing down zombies. Fueling up on vodka. Fleeing from fallout in a small aircraft and of course crashing. Citizen Z 'checks' zombiepedia (lame joke.) Zombie sign language? Murphy wearing a little girls' pink & cute spikes backpack. Zombie puppy love. What really is mercy?* 3 stars

--- Paul W.S. Anderson's "Soldier" starring Kurt Russell

*Thematically like Stallone's 'First Blood' mixed with Terminator 2 and other outerspace and post-apocalyptic genre movies.

Finger painted in the most broad, obvious, hack ways possible.

Supersoldier has never seen a pretty lady, so he daydreams about the one time he saw her nipples under her shirt.

Supersoldier is suffering ptsd, so he freaks out over Santa at Christmas party.

Supersoldier doesn't know how to deal with kids, so he tries to teach a kid to bash a poisonous snake's brains out.

Supersoldier is feeling sad for the very first time, so we zoom in close up on a tear streaming down his face.

Supersoldiers need to be tested, American Gladiator competition is orchestrated.

Married couple is getting romantic on a planet with limited supplies and garbage everywhere, hundreds of lit candles love scene.

Thin mustached military commander villain's gotcha moment is pissing down his pants leg in fear...*

1 1/2 stars

---------------------------------------------------

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "The Stepfather" *There were no real Freddy Kruegers running around in suburbia, in the 80s, but there were actually psychos like this. A Fox News fan type dad is a little too into 50s era family "perfection," and when things don't go his way, he heads down to the basement to beat on his workbench with a hammer, and when he can't take it anymore, he heads upstairs and bangs on the family with the hammer. When he's done there, he catfishes the "perfect" next family.* 3 stars

Friday the 13th, the series: Cupid's Quiver *When you're skeezy, it's love made easy. The poor, wretched bastard, in this one, oozes, and then drips desperation from his every pore.* 3 stars

ABC's Selfie: A Little Yelp From My Friends *I expected this to be another obnoxious sitcom like Big Bang Theory or 2 Broke Girls, but it's more like Ally McBeal. A real bait and switch. The topic as it has been thrown out there in the media would make one think it would be about a total social media whore with constant references to current social pop culture, but it's really more of a show about a pathetic weirdo and her bizarre, unsocial behavior, and the one genuine person (Harold from Harold & Kumar) who actually cares about helping her cross that bridge back into the real world.* 2 1/2 stars

E! Total Divas: The Double Cross *One diva trades her vibrator for a date with an NFL hunk. Another diva gets jealous when her man's (pro wrestler John Cena) ass is going to be shown in a movie love scene. Also, at a movie premier for a comedy flick, starring the twin divas, the big muscled pro-wrestler puts on a blue monkey suit, and the butt and breast implant diva, along with her man, sit stoned-faced during a supposedly funny scene. Odd and insipid reality show trash.* zero stars

MTV's True Life: I Have A Strange Phobia *One Italian-American young man can't even pee in a public restroom. He has to get in his car, get on the freeway, and drive all the way home and scrub the toilet with cleaner and antibacterial products before the act. (Why not pee outside, in public, behind a dumpster or building or car? It's not really polite behavior, but it would save the trouble of going home and cleaning. And, why not just aim really well when you pee at  home or not care if you pee on the seat?) The next, unfortunate, case is about a young woman who is deathly afraid of pigeons. I think there's some other attention issues there, or maybe a bit of deceit going on where the girl just wanted to get on MTV.* 2 stars

American Horror Story -- Murder House -- "Murder House" *As much a love letter to true crime history of Los Angeles as it is a ghost story. And the haunted people and haunts themselves have more personality and poignancy than most ghost stories.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: Under the Bed *A child psychologist struggles with a cryptozoology related child abduction.* 2 1/2 stars

The Walking Dead: Consumed *Getting the drop on crash test dummies.* 3 stars

Adult Swim --fake infomercials-- "Smart Pipe" *Taking smartphone app use to its inevitable pinnacle by having the waste management of the world's pipes turned into an opportunity to scan shit and then use that information to in turn sale more shit to the masses.* 3 stars

Squidbillies: Sheriff-in-Law *Daddy don't come around here anymore, and we're all glad he doesn't.*3 stars

MTV's "Slednecks" episode b (b because the "writers" were lazy) *Bros go Go-Go dancing. 4 wheel drive pickup truck versus airboat in a tug o war match. Drunk skanks pissing in the snow. Feeding buttered toast to the wildlife. Tundra wookies at tha club. You know, typical Alaska stuff. Saddening that this kind of stupidity is going on in one of the last frontiers. I've never more wanted a moose to kill someone since back in the day when Fox would air those 'When Animals Attack' videos.* zero stars

American Horror Story: Freakshow -- "Bullseye" *Desert butterflies* 2 1/2 stars

Game of Thrones --Season 3-- Episode 2-- *Lions, piggies, crows, wolves, and a hound.* 3 stars

USA network's --Chrisley Knows Best-- "Jugs and Ammo" *Boob cake for 100 dollars. Boob job for your daughter 30,000 dollars. Protecting your sixteen year old beauty pageant girl's "vag of honor" untold dollars. Making  your redneck son-in-law uncomfortable because he thinks that you're a closet homosexual is priceless.* either zero stars or 2 1/2 stars

Animal Planet's --Finding Bigfoot-- "Turtleman's Bigfoot" *for some unknown reason, MSNBC's Rachel Maddow and 30 Rock's "Bobo" travel to Kentucky to holler hunt a primate with Jim Varney's nephew Ernie the "Turtle Man."* 2 stars

rifftrax presents The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers *Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew. Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew. Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew.* 3 plus stars with riffing 3 stars without

Adult Swim -- "Too Many Cooks" *Never ending 80s tv theme song intro video parody turned massacre.* 3 stars

Kolchak, the Night Stalker: The Knightly Murders *Balefully back, from the Black Ages, with a big axe to grind.* 2 1/2 stars

Gargoyles: Temptation *Goliath's former piece-of-tail tries to put him back under her spell.* 3 stars

Stargate --Atlantis-- "Hide and Seek" *You're not yourself when you're hungry, or an energy entity. Eat a Snickers, and be like Doug Flutie.* 2 1/2 stars

"The Babadook" *Illustrating one's insecurities into isolation, insomnia, and insanity.* 3 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Saturday Night Special *Yuppy dating schemes and dreams come apart at the seams.* 1 1/2 stars *Springwood beautification project leaves a plain jane feeling numb.* 2 stars

South Park: Freemium isn't Free *Temptation. Addiction. Boring Gaming. Gambling. Micro-Transactions. Trendy drinking. Denial drinking. Pussy advertising. The Prince of Canada. The Canadian Devil.* 2 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Loved to Death *More than a minute of seeing man-sized-shaped Mariel Hemingway in lingerie is like an eternity in hell.* 3 stars

Joe Bob's Drive-In presents "Night Angel" *So bad it's good, succubus-slasher softcore-skinemax-style flick.* 1 1/2 stars

Hillbilly Bears: Courtin' Disaster *Haltin' hatin' the Hoppers, like they's was Hatfields, in hopes of havin' Hottiebear hitched.* 3 stars

Scare Tactics --Season 2-- episode 7 *Meat locker scab wishes he hadn't swept the salt off the floor after he meets the one armed mangler who had the job before.* 2 stars *"Pretty big, probably around 5 foot 9 or 6 foot 2" webcam show babehouse psycho slasher that ruins a horny, dumb guy's first night on the peep job.* 3-stars *Digging a hole, in the desert, for a lazy mobster.* 2 stars *Poltergeist -heather o'rourke- style closet scare* 2 1/2 stars

Paranormal State season 1 episode 6 *This haunted place is for the dogs...* 3 stars

"Intruders" CBS 1992 *Abductee: I was taken aboard a spaceship, by little grey men, and experimented on. / Psychologist: No, you were molested, in a barn, by your cousin.* 3 stars

American Horror Story -- Freakshow -- "Test of Strength" *"Come as you are" as ruined by the folks from GLEE. Strong Man vs. Amazon Lady. You're my dad, dad. Earl (Dell) had to die - Carnival Dixie Chix. Two-Headed blackmail. Dreadful Penny. Penny's dreadful dad. Tattoo nightmare. Dandy not feeling dandy.  Surgeon suicide. Blonde ambition makeover.* 2 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Crawling Hand *"Eat, drink, and be merry. Tomorrow, you die." Then, it's all fingerwalking on the darkside, you dig?* 3 stars with riffing 2 1/2 stars without

Jonny Quest: Pursuit of the Po-Ho *Lost tribe lunar sacrifice lunacy.* 3 stars

Swamp Thing: Grotesquery *A case of toxic swamp ass lands ST in a two-bit big top, where it's all soggy tater chips and being caged while being poked with a stick with the rest of the misbegotten misfits.* 2 stars

"The Shuttered Room" 1967 *Hostile Arkham homecoming. Where the isolated islanders hold strong to ignorant superstition, when they're not trying to tear someone to shreds.* 3 stars

Z Nation: Sisters of Mercy *Survivors of a Utah Mormon "sisters wives" style society form a militant lesbian ladies only cult. No "Ah, not the bees!" moment or bearsuit disguise, but similar to Nic Cage's predicament. Story focuses on the two least interesting characters, the crazy redhead chick and her wannabe boyfriend, and not enough Murphy moments, though his getting "pie" scene is hilarious. False advertisement with the unfortunately underused zombie bear. I was hoping that it would maul the Sisters of Mercy.* 2 stars

Phantasm 3: Lord of the Dead *A Home Alone orphan vigilante brat and a Grace Jones / Pam Grier -esque kung fu sista join Reggie to fight Return of the Living Dead style zombies with attitude. The actors playing Mike & Jody almost seem out of place in their own series, but Reggie excels in a more Sam Raimi plus Bruce Campbell horror-comedy environment. I think I figured out who the Tall Man is supposed to represent, Sam Walton, the founder of WalMart.* 2 1/2 stars

Thundarr, the Barbarian: Stalker from the Stars *It twas a simple sinus sniffle twitch kill't the strigoli at that snowy eskimo carnival.* 3 stars

Cowboy Bebop: Heavy Metal Queen *ride the lightning and chase the thunder with a prairie oyster.* 3 stars

The Prisoner: The Chimes of Big Ben *There's not enough hours in the day to sail away. So, pick up a required hobby.* 3 stars

Max Headroom: Rakers *Taking a stand against mindless television violence with a sport of "refined aggression." Risking everything professionally for a personal bond of obligation with an estranged and wreckless loved one.* 2 1/2 stars

Larry Cohen's "The Ambulance" 1990 starring Eric Roberts *A sinister old school style ambulance stalks the streets of NYC picking up sick people and then not taking them to the hospital but instead to an insane doctor who experiments on them and sells them to shady medical labs. Spooky.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Adult Swim's "Sit Down and Shut Up" --pilot episode-- *animated with the whimsy of nickelodeon or cartoon network kids cartoons but with the right amount of offensive humor for the slacker 3am audience.* 2 stars

SyFy's "Ascension" --preview-- 'Building the World' *Nice to see SyFy actually spending some money on a show's elaborate production.* 3 stars

CMT's "Redneck Island" Dec 2014 -season preview-

with host "Stone Cold" Steve Austin *"I wouldn't even introduce you to my dawg! MY DAWG, YA HEAR!"* 1 star

Hill Street Blues: Presidential Fever *A matter of pride. Two partners struggle with the distance between each other after being shot on duty. An undercover gets 'ruff' with rape suspects. Lady attorney holds her own with police chief lover. Gangleaders precinct meeting to hold a truce during Presidential visit. NYPD Blue's David Caruso as a top-hat wearing Irish gangbanger. Hick cop hassles the wrong barrio & almost goes vigilante to heal a wounded ego.* 3 stars

"Open House" 1987 starring Adrienne Barbeau *John Tesh is trying to reason with a rabid dog when Charles Bronson walks up and shoots it between the ears. Los Angeles, the land of broken dreams. there's only so many options for the down on their luck to vent. one is to call in crazy to the talk radio stations. another is to act like an obnoxious slob. then, there's the nutbags who'd like to find absurdly creative ways to kill the chippy sales people of that broken dream.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Crawling Eye *Slight fever in the Swiss Alps, with cyclops brainball tentacle aliens who like things frigid and hate telepaths.* 1 1/2 stars with riffing 1 star without

X Files: Deep Throat *Aim high, in the Air Force, and be an alien spacecraft test pilot. Side effects may not be worth it. It's 2 the xtreme, says 90s stoner, Seth Green.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: Dark Matters *Melodramatic ghost brother space catastrophe* 2 stars

Michael Crichton's "Runaway" 1984 starring Tom Selleck *Jargon, jargon, household robots gone haywire. Jargon, jargon, science dept. mustache cop. Jargon, jargon, spider assassin robots. Jargon, jargon, Gene Simmons techno-terrorist. Jargon, jargon, magic heat-seeking bullets. Jargon, jargon, vertigo-tinged thriller climax.* 2 1/2 stars

Joe Bob's Drive In Theater presents "Steel and Lace" *Willard's Bruce Davison creates a cyborg out of his sister, Shannon Tweed (Gene Simmons' long-time girlfriend), years after her suicide resulting from a non-conviction for a group of corporate buddies who raped her in an alley. The sexy cyborg seduces then performs gruesome fatalities on the slimeballs.*  stars 2 1/2

Freddy's Nightmares: Sister's Keeper *Freddy turns the twin daughters, of the cop who was a thorn in his side in life, against each other.* 2 stars *Freddy is determined to make one of the twins an only child.* 2 1/2 stars

Hammer Films' "Vampire Circus" 1972 *A morose quarantine livened with a sanguinary shadow puppet sex show.*  stars 3

American Horror Story -Asylum- "Tricks and Treats" *Sticky caramel on the mossy banks of a Stygian river.* 3 stars

I'm Alan Partridge: Brave Alan *"The worth of boast worlds."* 3 stars

Bob and Margaret: A Night In *Boring and barren, but better off than the dead.* 2 1/2 stars

All Watched Over By Machines of Loving Grace: The Use and Abuse of Vegetational Concepts *make like a tree and be a leaf / a cog in the machine or don't because it's a false belief.* 3 stars

"Dreamscape" 1984 *David Patrick Kelly is a creepier dream demon than Robert Englund.* 3 stars

South Park: Grounded Vindaloop *The boys try to figure out which one of them is actually stuck in virtual reality limbo. Real world Butters is cutely portrayed.* 3 stars

Squidbillies: Hybrid to Hell *"Hawt Rawkin' Santy Claus in a bubble globe."* 2 1/2 stars

Swamp Thing: Natural Enemy *ST beats science to the punch, when he swats and splats Beelzebub.* 2 stars

--- Scare Tactics -season 2 -episode 9

*Party van fails to take police warning and runs into vampire bikers on a desert highway.* 3 stars

*Hysterical hissie over a hybrid dwarf-critter.* 3 stars

*"You ever step on a landmine, before?" nervous and shaken response "Nah, I'm from Cleveland." 2 1/2 stars

*The show's new host, a Baldwin brother, is traumatized when he's not recognized after shedding the disguise of a scary mob boss.*

1 1/2 stars

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Paranormal State -season 1 -episode 7 *A cemetery caretaker stews and his wife claims to suffer after sticking in a hole, and covering with cement, an urn of unclaimed cremated remains that had sat on their shelf for years.* 2 stars

Insidious: Chapter 2 *That's not my husband. That's the spirit of a crossdressing serial killer. Again with the Ed Gein/Norman Bates mommy issues killer and somehow crossed with the crazy killer dad -like the Shining. Also, I could do without the lame antics and shaking camera  ghosthunting of the two paranormal hipster nerds. Still, I very much enjoy the eerie astral projection limbo world.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Friday the 13th, the series: A Cup of Time *Old age is wasting the youth, when youth aren't wise enough not to drink from its cup.* 2 stars

The Walking Dead: Crossed *Rick Grimes used to be a cop. Emphasis on used to be. Now, he's cold blooded. Come to think of it, then again...* 2 1/2 stars

American Horror Story --Murder House-- "Halloween" *"find my nest of salt, everything is my fault... choking on the ashes of our enemies..."* close to 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Dead Right *It's a given that grotesque Jeffrey Tambor will gore gorgeous gold-digger Demi Moore.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Corpse Vanishes *"A cockeyed nightmare or a nighteyed cockmare?!"* 1 1/2 stars with riffing 1/2 a star without

Tex Avery's "Jerky Turkey" 1945 *"Don't eat at Joe's"* 2 1/2 stars

"Thankskilling" 2009 *"No more pumpkin pie, no more cranberry sauce, just turkey..."* 1 star

Twin Peaks: Miss Twin Peaks *Which way to the castle? Where there's a key, there's always a lock. Fear and love open the door.* 3 stars

"Dreamchild" 1985 (with Jim Henson creature shop puppetry) *Ian Holm makes a better Jack from the Titanic, for Alice in Wonderland's  elderly Alice, than Leo DiCaprio ever could. Also, Peter Gallagher is certainly more charming than Billy Zane. He's more of a sly weasel too.* 3 stars

Game of Thrones -Season 3 -episode 3 *"In the grave, there are no masters."* 3 stars

Joe Bob's Drive In Theater presents "Posed for Murder"

with special guest host Elvira *A generic softcore thriller about an adult magazine centerfold being stalked by a psychotic motorcycle glove and every meathead who wants to screw her. It's one of those bad movies where the lyrics of the songs, playing throughout, sync up with the on screen stupidity.* 1 1/2 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Cutting Cards *Compulsive rivals go head to head til the last stump standing.* 2 1/2 stars

"Paradise" 1982 *A very Biblical man, Willie Aames, watches his parents get murdered by bandits, then flees and gets stranded with a beautiful maiden, Phoebe Cates, in a desert/tropical oasis where he sneaks peeks at her sinful nudity, tries to keep a chimpanzee from self pleasuring, destroys dirty medical texts, and tries to keep an Arab jackal from stealing his woman and deflowering her.* 2 stars

Farscape: They've Got A Secret *Space whale calf care is killing the crew, and crossbreeding with the empire's clone troopers is strictly forbidden and must remain emotionally hidden.* 2 1/2 stars

Cowboy Bebop: Waltz for Venus *Lacking one quality but heightening another's fluidity.* 3 stars

Hillbilly Bears: Stranger than Friction *monkeying around with hospitality can get ya head blown't off* 2 1/2 stars

Z Nation: Murphy's Law *Every ridiculous thing this show tries to do somehow works. Drug addicted zombies, check. Viagra sex zombies, check. Murphy having telepathic control over the infected, check. The most surprisingly effective show of the year. Each new episode is something new. Rarely boring or stagnant in an all too boring and stagnant apocalyptic / zombie / survival horror genre.* 2 1/2 stars

"Walking Tall" 1973 *Landmark hicksploitation with Buford on par with Leatherface in terms of legend. A yarn that satisfies in its visceral exaltation of justice, while still having enough subtext about the road of revenge being a ragged one.* 3 stars

Kolchak, the Night Stalker: The Youth Killer *sucking the life out of the singles scene* 3 stars

USA Up All Night with Rhonda Shear presents

"Fright Night" 1980s version -------------------------------

*Necking with your girl while watching late night vampire horror hosted by a faux vampire slayer from such movies.

USA network has the world's hottest show 'Baywatch' five nights a week.

For the girls of paradise call 431 Girl at 2.50$ a minute.

Psychic Talk USA... are you astounded?

La Femme Nikita, Sunday Nights on USA the cure for the common show and the common boner.

Has your neighbor committed homicide? this horror obsessed kid thinks so.

Having a horrific mental breakdown? don't turn to the town Beavis for understanding.

99cent psychic encounters. It sounds dangerous. But damn affordable. 800 Predict. I predict that if you call, you'll be out 99cents.

Rhonda is at her wedding reception, where she's trying out two potential hubbies. One is a morose long haired artsy guy and the other is a big, fat cowboy with his big, fat mama who thinks that Rhonda has child bearing hips enough to produce fifteen younguns

"Someone knows their secret." I Know What You Did Last Summer, now playing in theaters everywhere.

back to the ‘’up all nite’’ movie,

the fearless vampire slayer gets fired from his job and vents on his hatred for 80s slasher monsters like Jason.

Apparently vampires yawn in the evening and are groggy when they take phone calls.

Stephen King's "Thinner" available now at videostores everywhere.

You never thought it possible, the Motorola Wordline Pager with streaming text updates  in the palm of your hand in black and grey text. It will never  get more advanced than this, says the 90s business professional yuppy.

No rules, no ring,  no exit, and not place to hide 'Fighting Force' for the playstation.

The legend is here, the time is now, Chuck Norris is Walker Texas Ranger, weeknights on USA.

I'm all alone pick up the phone, sluts are standing by on another phone sex commercial.

Macho Man says REST IN PEACE and SNAP INTO A Slim Jim, OH YEAH! Halloween Havoc, Dig it!

Peter Vincent is like the Alan Partridge of the occult.

What do you do when a David Bowie type douche wants to do your girlfriend?

Hollywood's hottest stuntmen use bodyheat activated degree deodorant.

USA's Sunday Night Heat with Pacific Blue, Silk Stalkings, and The Big Easy. Turn it on and turn it up.

I miss sleazy USA network programming.

Magic the Gathering, all you need is a brain, a deck, and a friend, and an intact virginity.

Rhonda is a  runaway bride when she realizes she doesn't have to be married to shop.*

3 stars

-----------------------------------------

Gargoyles: Deadly Force *"Movies, television, videogames...(sigh) it's hard to tell what's real anymore." A lesson about how our culture ignores the real drama of the consequences of gunplay.* 3 stars

Stargate - Atlantis - "Thirty Eight Minutes" *The perils of dealing with stubborn parasites, wormhole constipations, lifeboat malfunctions, and bruised egos.* 3 stars

Stephen King's "Kingdom Hospital" -season 1 -episode 3 *Solid cold oldies* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: The Conversion *The future's not ours, you see...* 2 1/2 stars

Max Headroom: Body Banks *Eternal sunshine of the sober mind that refuses to sell out to corporate swine who think they can harvest the poor & healthy in order to buy more time.* 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: 'Til Death *Fated to the fetid* 2 stars

Swamp Thing: Treasure *Little Jim has a long lost relative dying on his bathroom floor, a Swamp Thing trapped in his attic unable to sneak away, and an evil blonde beauty who wants to shoot him, or his mom, with a small pistol -if he doesn't cough up the location of stolen money  hidden in a junkpile out in the swamp.* 3 stars

Jonny Quest: Riddle of the Gold *The smite of the tiger.* 3 stars

Scare Tactics -season 2 -episode 10 -------------------

*Cleaning the ham bones out of a creep's croc pond.* 2 1/2 stars

*Maids stumble onto a bloody, and active, crime scene.* 2 stars

*A ladies man looks at the wrong farmer's naked daughter.* 3 stars

*Carny folk forget and leave a horned dwarf troll in the walls of a rental home.* 2 1/2 stars

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Roger Corman presents "Streets" 1990 *For skid row kids, like Christina Applegate's homeless teenage prostitute character,  it's a symbiotic game of staying ahead, and also in reach, of their constant pursuers  and abusers, but sometimes the bleak circumstances highlighting the literal dead ends  make it even more painful if a glimmer of hope happens to also be there.* 3 stars

American Horror Story - Asylum - "Nor'Easter" *Pontius Pilate wept at the end of E.T.* 3 stars

Paranormal State -season 1 -episode 8 *Remodeling the home of a early 20th century sawbones stirs spirits.* 2 stars

Bob and Margaret: Blood, Sweat, and Tears *stretching thinly to feel the burn and avoid the fine line of permanent injury in the process of healthy activity and friendly civility* 3 stars

I'm Alan Partridge: Never Say Alan Again *pass the Sunny D and STOP TALKING ABOUT AMERICAN THINGS!* 3 stars

X Files: Squeeze *Spooky versus mutie (aka mutant).* 3 stars

The Walking Dead: The Coda *Rick Grimes drives a hard bargain, but compromises and evasively dangerous behavioral maneuvers, of others involved, put everyone back on the road of loss.* 3 stars

House 3: The Horror Show -1989- *"An electricity of evil." Lance Henriksen is a straight current running parallel to an unsteady moronic shocker.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Mother's Day *You gotta fight or flight for your right to party with Fredddy.* 2 1/2 stars *Weepy Wendy can't get any affectionate attention from her radio shrink mom, a seriously Selfish Sherry.* 2 1/2 stars

Ultimate Scooters: Featuring the Hot Wheels Shocker -2000- *Video time capsule documenting how turn of the 21st century bro-men took to the streets, with tots, riding toy scooters.* 1 star

Popeye the Sailor Man: ----------

*Me Musical Nephews: Runts rockabye a restless Popeye.* headache inducing zero stars

*Spooky Swabs: Ghostly mutiny.* 3 stars

*Patriotic Popeye: Safe n' sane U.S. n' A. holiday or party explosives?* 2 stars

*Ancient Fistory: Disney Princess Cinderfella Queer Eye for the Popeye.* 2 stars

*Taxi-Turvy: Scat cab skidoo.* 3 stars

----------------------------------------------------------

Fleischer Studios presents Betty Boop: -------------------------

*Betty Boop's Crazy Inventions: Spunky sales pitch for quirky products.* 3 stars

*and the Little King: Calamity Betty* 2 1/2 stars

*Pudgy in Ding Dong Doggie: Hot doggy, Betty spank.* 2 1/2 stars

*Grampy in the Candid Candidate: Mayoral mishap calls for thinking cap.* 2 1/2 stars

*Language All My Own: Betty is super kawaii in the land of the rising sun.* 2 stars

*Grampy's Indoor Outing: homemade carnival play on a rainy day.* 2 1/2 stars

*Little Nobody: Stuck up pup and a blue ribbon baywatch doggy strut.* 2 1/2 stars

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Adult Swim --off the air-- "Worship" *vacation bible surreal* 2 stars

Squidbillies 96: How did my worm get in your taco? *Early en Espanol, an all american buttthole.* 3 stars

Tim & Eric, Bedtime Stories: The Bathroom Boys *Dragging the viewer into the toilet with the non-humor painful shits & giggles of Tim, Eric, Zach Galifianakis and surprise guest, the beautiful, cleaned, and dolled up Maggie from the Walking Dead.* between zero and 1 star

Thundarr, the Barbarian: Portal into Time *Apple 2 defender of the Alamo. Beastmaster 2 culture shock. Thundarr, Ariel, Ookla are  Earth's mightiest Avengers. Volkswagen Beetle dragon. Ookla, a cookie monster. An escalator can never be broken, it can only become stairs, so said Mitch Hedberg. Terminator 2 style skynet tech heist. Finally, a first ever victory at the Alamo.* 3 stars

Hill Street Blues: Politics as Usual *Bribery. blackmail. backstabbing. bargaining courts. boo-hooing. barking like a dog. busted. buttcheeks and butthole search. bathing lovemaking. break up.* 3 stars

Burn, Baby, Burn: Riots and Violence in the Modern World *unabashed ugliness* 1 star

Victor Salva's "The Nature of the Beast" 1995 starring Lance Henriksen & Eric Roberts-- *A serial killer plus a casino riches thief, both on the run, find homogeneity on a lost stretch of desert highway.* 3 stars

Paranormal State -season 1 -episode 9 *a spirit is shattering and nudging (the babypowder test, "thrilling") wine glasses in a, struggling to survive, sports bar.* 1/2 a star

The Outer Limits: Quality of Mercy *Hogan's Heroes meets Enemy Mine with an M. Night twist.* 2 1/2 stars

Cowboy Bebop: Jamming with Edward *A self activated spy sattelite is sad & lonely and so is a spunky hacker.* 3 stars

Swamp Thing: New Acquaintance *Jim brings home a misunderstood stray, and ST resurrects a rabbit.* 2 1/2 stars

Shaw Brothers: Iron Chain Fighter (aka Assassin) *There are no bonds that chop sockey can't break.* 3 stars

Game of Thrones: -season 3 -episode 4 *Climbing and falling. Losing a hand. Handing over a legacy. Protecting the virtue of an innocent. Hungering for insurrection. Dispensing the light of justice. Burning a path for freedom.* 3 stars

Friday the 13th, the series: HELLOWE'EEN *The awful uncle seeks offal flesh to slip into back to life.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Three's A Crowd *cuckold anniversary surprise* 3 stars

American Horror Story --Murder House-- "Piggy Piggy" *Growing pains. Raw brains. Oinking angst.* 2 1/2 stars

BBC All Watched Over By Machines of Loving Grace: "The Monkey in the Machine and the Machine in the Monkey" *We humans are something like a phenomenon or perhaps maybe an automaton.* 3 stars

"Beyond the Black Rainbow" --2010-- *Timothy Leary has gone too far this time.* 3 stars

Scare Tactics: season 2 -episode 11 ---------------

*Family killer in a scarecrow disguise puts a young carpenter in concern.* 2 stars

*Gold chain necklace wearing "Dr. Jeff" doesn't want his "molecules heated up" in a mad scientist's The Fly -esque matter transport experiment.* 2 1/2 stars

*A greaseball is hired to clean up "red wine" stains for a Sopranos sausage and refuses to wear a wire for an undercover sting.* 2 1/2 stars

*Fear Antics: A wannabe actor, in a slasher prank, gets pushed over the edge.* 2 1/2 stars

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Paranormal State: Season 1 -episode 10 *A Native American coyote spirit / chaos critter is an unwanted housepest, for a rural Maine mom & visiting daughter, when its vortex in the backyard is disturbed. So, the team calls in some Native elders to do a ritual at the rocks around a hole on the property, and Christian psychic medium Chip Coffey tells the howling haunt to hit the road.* 2 1/2 stars