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#how much does a website cost per month in india#customize the design of your shop#get your business online with google#marketing#how much does it cost to maintain a website#can i create a website without coding#best place to start an online store#web design company in jaipur#customize the design of your shop online#customize the design of your shop in jaipur online
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Survivability Bias Pt 1
Masterpost - Ao3
Danny stares at the screen in front of him. The fact that heās in a library is the only reason heās not squealing at the clearly well-maintained website heās currently exploring. As it turns out, this dimension does have NASA. That fact on its own isnāt too terribly surprising, considering all the other ways itās similar to Dannyās home. What is surprising (and, in no small part, exciting!), is that in this dimension NASA seems to have much better funding. Danny had managed to resist looking up anything related to space for the first hour of his time in the library, but then Danny had chanced across an article about the ISS, and his resolve had crumbled. Not even fifteen minutes later, and Danny is here, exploring the very nice NASA website. Plumbing its depths, really, for all the information it can provide on what space is like in this world.Thereās lots of new information; space research is definitely more advanced here than it was back home, and thereās occasional vague allusions to odd things like the livability of Mars, and other oddities, itās almost like this dimension has come to the forgone conclusion that aliens must exist. Which is certainly an exciting thought, but it also seems odd to Danny. What divergent experiences lead to such a conclusion Danny wonders, as he absently hovers over the opportunities tab for the fifth time. He knows he really shouldnāt get his hopes up, but with a more funded NASA, maybe he could find a way to get a job there eventually. After all he has no real idea when, or even if, heāll ever manage to go home, so maybe itās okay to think about the future a little bit.
Maybe theyāve already come into contact with aliens, Danny thinks. Maybe I could get a job working with aliens! Itās that thought that gets him to actually click the tab, desperate to know if thatās even a possibility. The page that opens doesnāt really list specific jobs or anything. Mostly, it seems to just be advertising that NASA is always looking for smart people that are passionate about space (Dannyās definitely one of those things, at least). But there is an interesting little banner advertising a special summer camp for aspiring astronomers, ages 14-18. The idea of that is both surprising and exciting. Danny doesnāt think his home worldās NASA had anything like that. Sam had sent him through with some money, but heās still unsure if itāll even work here, and heās also not sure he wants to risk getting in trouble if itās just a really close match. Plus itās definitely not enough to afford the inevitable cost of a whole entire space camp. Danny remembers going to summer camps a couple times as a kid and he knows they werenāt cheap. Still, Danny remembers that Sam had also given him a few pieces of really nice jewelry that he could pawn off for cash, and maybe that could let him afford it?.
It would be so much easier if Danny had a social security number. Or, like, literally anything proving that he really does exist. But, well, technically he doesnāt exist here. Obviously, physically he is here, but he certainly wasnāt born here. Heās basically an undocumented immigrant, just from a place that he literally canāt ever physically go back to. Even the computer heās using right now highlights just how alien this place is to him, with its large, flat screen and graphics better than anything heās ever seen in his life. It runs so smoothly, too, that he just knows Tucker would cry if he could see it. And this is what they have in a library. Danny canāt even begin to imagine what high end tech here might look like.
Everything here is strange and new, and Danny doesnāt even really know what he needs to catch up on. He wishes he could have stayed. He had wanted to stay. Of course he had. But after the second time the Guys in White managed to capture him, well, it wasnāt hard to see why they wanted him gone. So when Sam and Tucker and Jazz had cornered him, and explained that theyād found a way to send him away, to somewhere that the GIW couldnāt follow, he hadnāt argued. He hadnāt argued when they dragged him down to the lab, and he hadnāt argued when Jazz shoved a backpack into his hands, and he hadnāt argued when Sam had told him that sheād added cash and jewelry to what Jazz had gathered. He hadnāt argued as Tucker had messed with the portal, and he hadnāt argued when they pushed him towards it.
He canāt go home. Maybe just for a while, but maybe not ever again. He canāt see his friends, and he canāt go to sleep in his own bed, and he canāt come home from school and play Doomed with Sam and Tucker. But maybe all that wouldnāt be so terribly painful, if he could just have one little thing here that he couldnāt have done back home. Danny knows itās a long shot, but he clicks on the banner, just to see.
The first thing he notices as he reads through the description, is that it offers a lot. Eight weeks, overnight in a specialized science camp facility, an opportunity to experience both a shuttle launch simulation and a zero gravity simulator? The opportunity to experience multiple different kinds of jobs? This isnāt some camp that wants to introduce kids to the idea of astronomy, this is designed for kids who already want to be astronomers. All in all, itās everything Danny could have imagined and more. Itās not exactly cheap, though. Five thousand dollars isnāt exactly affordable when all you have is some cash that may or not work, and a few necklaces, fancy as they may be. After all, itās not like Danny knows enough about jewelry to have even a hope of not being ripped off.
At the bottom of the description, there is mention of scholarships, though, and maybe if he angles it right, he can manage to make use of one of those? Danny glances through the list. He doubts he can prove himself worth the aptitude scholarship. His grades werenāt exactly good back home, even if he did have his transcripts. And heās hardly going to get the financial hardship scholarship if heās got no proof that he even exists here. One of the scholarships catches his eye, though, specifically because he has no idea what itās for.Ā
Danny knows the word meta. Itās like self-referential shit or something. But itās not exactly a scientific thing. Thatās language arts stuff, the kind of thing Mr. Lancer goes on about, and there should be no reason for it to be a kind of scholarship. But maybe itās an acronym or something? Danny mouses over, and clicks through to see what exactly it is, even if it probably wonāt be relevant to him.
āHere at NASA we understand that people donāt always fit our standard expectations of normality!ā The meta scholarship page reads. Danny tries not to let his hackles go up at the mention of normality. They canāt possibly be talking about people like him, after all. Nothing heās seen so far has implied that ghosts have any sort of presence here. āIn our efforts to expand our understanding of the infinite expanse of space, it only makes sense to do our best to work with those who do not conform to those expectations, especially when those exceptions often represent unique opportunities for possible field work. If you identify as a meta, and believe your talents make you uniquely suited to extreme environments, we welcome you to apply for our full-expense meta scholarship!*ā
The introductory paragraph only leaves Danny more confused, and a bit wary. The references to normality and unique opportunities for field work have bile rising into Dannyās throat, and he shakily opens a new tab, and types the word meta into the search bar. If theyāre experimenting on people here too-
The search returns an astonishing number of results. Among the first ones are a wikipedia article on metas, and so many news articles. Danny clicks on the wikipedia page first.
āMetas refers to an individual who possesses meta powers. Derived from the prefix āmeta-ā, meaning beyond or transcending, meta powers are innately defined by the natural capabilities of the general population. Thus, on Earth, the term meta, or metahuman, typically refers to anyone who has abilities beyond the standard human experience. A significant portion of metas can be attributed to the human metagene,Ā which typically triggers in moments of intense physical or mental stress, and can produce unique situational abilities. Other metas, may belong to other species who naturally have certain abilities, or to individuals who are granted powers by various deific forces or even objects.ā
What.
It canāt possibly be that easy. This world canāt possibly be that perfect. Danny keeps reading. He realizes as he continues that this article is long, with literally dozens of subsections. On top of that, as he begins to read, there are references to numerous other events, and topics that heās never heard of before. And by the time the librarian arrives to usher him out of the library for the night, he still isnāt finished with it, but he has learned quite a bit.
Apparently, it isnāt exactly as perfect as it sounded. Rather, this dimension has a long history of meta-related conflict. Thereās been plenty of discrimination and mistreatment in the past; the kind of thing that Danny is more than familiar with. But on top of that, thereās literal, actual superheroes here. A lot of them. Superheroes that have fought against numerous world-ending threats and won. And those same superheroes have worked with the world governments, and ratified the protection of metasā rights as being fundamental human rights. If Wikipedia is to be believed, Danny really is safe.
Still, Danny knows first-hand the way that governments can and will lie. And just because the internet claims that these so-called metas are treated fairly, doesnāt necessarily mean that itās true.Ā
Propaganda, Danny thinks. Whoās to say it isnāt all just propaganda? I need to be more careful about transforming tonight.
But the library does need to close, so Danny heads out into the second night in his new hometown, mind racing as he thinks about the implications of everything heās read. The space camp seems so far away now, in the aftermath of the following revelations. Danny needs to get further from civilization if he wants to transform tonight. He follows the main street out, away from town. Maybe in a field somewhere, heāll be okay? This doesnāt exactly seem like a large town.Ā Even if itās not true, Danny thinks as he walks. At least Iām not alone here. And I didnāt see anything about Anti-Ecto Acts.
#dp x dc#me? posting two wips at the same time?#the secret is that this one's been sitting in my drafts half-finished for literal months and I finally figure out what was wrong with it lo#the one where danny stumbles into a new universe and immediately guns for NASA
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If you're still defending ChatGPT please condsider the following
I feel like the angle of āfuck ChatGPTā that isnāt given enough attention is the traffic it draws away from the websites itās ripping information from.
Now Google does this already. If you google anything now, Googleās āSearch Labs AI Overviewā will give you what youāre looking for summarized without having to scroll and click on various links.
Google has been up to some shady shit for years redirecting traffic. It used to just be a search engineāyou used it to find the non-Google-owned websites that you needed. Now, though, Google is doing everything it can to keep you on Google.
If you search up a product, Google fills half the page with ad-placement links, image search results, the AI overview, Google reviews, and other noise so you stay with them.
Less traffic to the websites itās ripping information from means those websites donāt get any profit for the information theyāre providing, through ad revenue and such.
You might not care whether XYZ website makes money off you, but hosting and maintaining a website costs money, and if thereās no return on investment because search engines are gobbling it up, itās that much harder for these businesses to stay afloat and not either bury their info under ads, or stick it behind a paywall.
Enter ChatGPT.
Remember when your teacher slandered Wikipedia to kingdom come? āDonāt use Wikipedia! Itās not a reliable source of information!ā
Wikipedia, at the very least, demands sources for all of its information, and scroll to the bottom of any article to find exactly where the people who wrote it are getting their evidence.
Google might show you the most relevant link, one out of the thousands of possible search results. Itās foggy here so I googled a question about fog, and beneath the AI overview was a link to NOAA, for example.
ChatGPT goes one step farther. ChatGPT does not fact-check. All it does is answer your questions, but where itās getting those answers and how correct those answers are, are pulled from the Internet. And if the Internetās most popular results are wrong, ChatGPT isnāt going to care, itās just going to regurgitate what those results are saying.
You still have to check your sources, but the difference is, now you donāt know who those sources are, or how biased their information is.
If I want to know the morality of declawing my cats, and I google āshould I declaw my catsā I might get two very different answers. The ASPCA will tell you itās harmful to the cats and animal abuse. āSuburbanBoomerCatMoms.netā (hypothetical) might tell you you gotta do it for the sake of your furniture and that outcry from the other side is just leftwing snowflake libtards.
Wikipedia will cite both of those sources (actually Wikipedia wonāt give the second one any credence at all but hypothetically speaking). Google will show you the URL before you click it to both of those sources. ChatGPT will steal from both of those sources, not tell you itās doing it, and present it as if both carry equal authority on animal care. Do you see the issue here?
Saying all of this because I know somebody whoās putting their medical information into ChatGPT to ātranslateā it for them.
Anyone who googles any symptom finds out pretty quick that āyou have cancerā is a very popular and overblown answer. At this point I have to brush them off because arguing with them wonāt change their mind.
So even if you donāt care about information diversity, sustained by giving those smaller websites traffic and revenue, you should care about the smoke and mirrors being very quickly normalized around hiding where information is coming from and making it that much harder to sort fact from fiction.
The Robot cannot be an unbiased source of information, because it is trained on the biases of the information it is scalping. It is your job, your responsibility, and your right to know and understand the ulterior motives behind what any one source is telling you.
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Axolotl
So we all know about Frilliam, don't we? Ford's pet Axolotl, gifted to him by Fiddleford? In case you don't, here is the journal pages from the website (I think?) to remind you.


Anyway, now that that's out of the way. I was thinking about him today. Specifically about this picture:

I couldn't find the colorized version, but you get the idea. Stanley has a pet Axolotl, but this can't be Frilliam, because Ford released him into the creak!
Well, that's such a shame!
Except this doesn't make any sense. Why would Stanley go out and buy a rather expensive pet for himself? These journal pages are discarded, not part of the journal three.
Now, that doesn't make it impossible for Stanley to have found. Just unlikely.
The missing pages where likely destroyed, considering they returned after Weirdmageddon and the book was made whole. I bet those are the only pages Ford found the strength to burn, his pride and shame winning out over his need to maintain his research. Ever the egotistical man. (We love him)
No, I have a much sadder theory for why Stanley has Frilliam. Because I'm sure that must be the same fish, how could it not be?
My best guess is that, once again, its because of Fiddleford.
What if, hypothetically, Fiddleford found Frilliam back in the creak? Maybe the following spring (we're assuming he survived the winter) Fids was wondering around town, not in a very good state of mind. He didn't really remember Ford, but he got a piece of a memory. And that involved finding this little critter and delivering it...Somewhere.
He can't remember where, but grabs Frilliam in a bucket and just lets his feet lead until he gets to the shack, sets it down, and wanders back off into town, immediately lost again. Very sad.
In comes Stanley, coming outside probably in preparation for another tour or seeing the last one off-
And he finds the bucket, thinks its junk, until he sees the sad and poorly cared for little buddy at the bottom in some shitty water.
It looks so sad, maybe missing its tail, and looks like it might die!
So he brings it inside, because he does still have a tank, and gets him set up. He can't just leave it in a bucket to die, poor little thing. Stan's a little bit of a sucker, but he's also lonely. Sue him.
He can't rationalize having a dog or cat or much of anything. Those cost a lot of money because of the adoption fee, vet bills, and oh my god the food! Way too much if he plans on keeping the lights on and saving Stanford!
But a little lizard? It only costs a few extra cents to run the tank all the time. Barely noticeable. The food isn't much, and the stupid runt is kind of cute, so why not keep some company?
It'll either live, or die from its poor state.
Surprise, surprise. Stanley does such a good job it lives. For. Thirty. Years.
And Stan doesn't ever question how he ended up with an immortal pet that never gets worse despite not getting fed sometimes for weeks at a time. This is Gravity Falls! Weirder things have happened!
Just a theory, and a fun sad little snip-bit. I was just thinking about him today. I love him. So much. We where robbed of the Ford and Frilliam reunion after the portal. Wouldn't that be fun to write a one shot of? Stupid Ford. Realize your brother loves you! He even kept your stupid adorable dumb fish alive for three decades!? They make me mad.
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Timestamped responses to Jenny Nicholson's new Patreon ramble about Evermore.
You'll have to be subbed to her Patreon to have any context for these, but Patreon is also pretty bad at sorting and finding comments so I'm reposting it here for a bit more visibility.
4:34 I hadnāt heard of him either, despite the fact that I was a performer during time he was supposedly a manager. This isnāt really surprising, ground-level employees scarcely received communication from or about anything above their departmentās management.
6:55 Hi Bob! He was actually a cast member at Evermore for one season. This was after he had already been reporting on Evermore for a while, and AFAIK none of his content even during or after that period was endorsed by the park. I can attest he is as friendly and genuine in person as he is in his videos, and a great guy.
7:07 There were several others during the first few years. After Evermore announced in early 2021 that they were discontinuing all stories, quest, and characters they had done up until that point and changing to a more story-light experience, several of the most dedicated fans and frequent guests stopped engaging with the park, including any who made content about it.
8:32 Yeah. They did reorganize and lay people off several times, but only below a certain point in seniority. Obviously Ken himself and any business partners or investors that had any stake in the company maintained control. Though, if they ever āmanagedā anything, it was done in a very hands-off way and dictated through several layers of employees.
9:55 This kind of toxic positivity is rampant in Utah. Any type of criticism or discontent towards any leadership, usually rich, straight, white men, is highly frowned upon. Literally, in this case. The people who dare to express negative opinions or challenge the status quo (who are often not rich straight white men) are then viewed as problematic and practically shunned. Anyone who criticizes or challenges is bad, bad people are untrustworthy, therefore their criticisms and opinions are invalid.
10:23 Also strange since he did create a TTRPG company. If anything, I think that would qualify someone as a ānerdā themselves.
10:45 Exactly!
11:12 Ken held strong control over a lot of aspects of the park and the business, but itās obviously far too big of an operation for one person to micro-manage so much of it. Another example is he wouldnāt let anyone change the Evermore website. It was commonly suggested to use the website as a way to communicate storylines and background information for new guests but it never happened. Itās unclear if Ken outright refused that, or if he didnāt mind the idea but wouldnāt do it himself or let anyone else have access to do it.
13:25 There were times when the food at the park was good. I donāt know if they were only able to have better food by cutting corners, operating without being under code, and then changed once they were under scrutiny (remember when one of the buildings lit on fire?), or if they just cut costs.
17:40 I think [Jenny is] probably right, and I donāt think this was the only time it or something similar happened. There were several times Ken would try to bring new money in, and sometimes people would bite-only to quickly back out after learning how bad the situation was.
18:50 That would require admitting fault or failure from park leadership, and thus would have never happened.
22:50 This aggravates me lol. Changing the official Facebook page name for the park changed all my āworked atā and tagged posts to say āThecrookedlanternā instead of āEvermore Parkā and it looks awful and drives me crazy.
23:30 Iām definitely biased here but I do think that some of the intellectual property that Ross now owns does have some value, or at least at one point had the potential to, but ironically it was all but abandoned after the aforementioned 2021 announcement. The worldbuilding and characters had their moments, and the Evermore Realms card game, while a relatively small project, was reportedly actually profitable for Evermore. There was an entire second set of cards designed and ready to print that never saw the light of day. Furthermore, even though Ross technically owns all the intellectual property from Evermore, he might not even be aware of most of it. Even if he was it probably wasn't properly archived anywhere. Heād have to dig through old employee emails Google Drives to piece it together, if that data even still exists or he has any way to access it, or rehire someone who worked on it to attempt to recreate it.
25:25 An Evermore property only designed to look nice and not actually facilitate people or events there? Consider me shocked. /s
30:00 Beyond the Gates is not the first former employee/fans spiritual successor that has been attempted. I was briefly involved with a group called Mynheras larp that was also the same concept. Their goal was to not have the same problems Evermore had and then almost immediately began falling apart because they were having the same problems Evermore had-at least on the creative side of things. They didnāt have any money. I havenāt worked with Beyond the Gates but there are good and talented people who are involved and I wish them the best.
31:20 Iād like to think most of us are appreciative towards the work [Jenny] did and agree with all the criticism [Jenny] made (and more), and I know several of us are, but it is Utah. I would be disappointed, but not surprised, to find a handful who hold undue resentment towards [Jenny].
39:00 I donāt know anything about this exhibit in particular, but there were so many incredibly talented people who were exploited, burned, and abandoned by Evermore. Several sculptors and creature-creators worked for months to years before the park opened, and then were laid off within months of the park opening. Iām glad to see some of their efforts and creations survived and are being put to some use.
42:30 Iām getting emotional and nostalgic seeing these omg ;_;
44:25 oh Iām so glad you had the opportunity to speak to one of them directly!
44:50 YES. This was actually a part of a big and surprising problem with Evermoreās development and how there was no intellectual property developed (e.g. story and characters) before they had to start building them. Iāll go into this in more depth in my eventual video about my experiences at Evermore if I ever finish it
45:28 yep yep yep
46:20 YEP YEP YEP
47:00 I actually didnāt know a lot of this either and it explains a lot.
47:20 and while Iām sure this all true, a lot of the puppets and creature suits did fall into significant disrepair and were never fixed.
51:20 I never personally saw any of this behavior but I did hear about it from others who I 100% believe.
52:00 My impression is that heās not evil or malicious per se, but is someone whose ego far surpasses his competence and refuses to acknowledge or accept his failures or shortcomings. When confronted with them, he lashes out.
EDIT: I have since seen his recent Twitter replies. He has gone full alt-right Musk bro. Evermore was something of a haven for a lot of marginalized communities in Utah, not to mention -he has queer children himself-, so him revealing those opinions is a complete betrayal. I try to afford some benefit of doubt where possible, but heās shown his true colors.
55:00 this is hilarious and I never heard these details before. While, I believe, none of the displays were intended to be specifically religious, several of the antiques were originally religious in nature and several sculptures made for the park were themed similarly. It all felt very classically Catholic or Anglican, which is funny to do in Utah where the population is very religious and conservative but specifically (and proudly) NOT Catholic or Anglican. Mormons. ĀÆ\_(ć)_/ĀÆ
56:55 lmao we literally called that building āthe barnā the first couple of seasons.
57:55 I was under the impression that the tavern was one of the few that was an original design, but maybe that was just the interior.
59:10 As far as I know, they never attempted to sell liquor on the park premises outside of the premium special events and Vanderās Keep. Corners were cut constantly, but I donāt think they were ever this bold with it. Iām sure he wanted to, but it would be impossible to get away with in Utah. It would stand out so much compared to any other similar attraction in the state, and enough of the population would actually be shocked and offended at the presence of alcohol that some suburban parents with too much time on their hands would report them immediately.
1:00:30 I donāt recall any specific details but there were several liens and lawsuits from contractors who werenāt paid even in the first year Evermore was open.
1:01:40 Iām not an authority on this subject but I donāt actually think this was the case for this building. The upper floor did have āpillarsā, but they werenāt put in until several years after the park opened and were clearly fake and not structurally integral. There were antique stone columns in the park (and I once heard they were actually the oldest artifacts on site), but they were across the graveyard from the building around the weird shrine with the antique statue of Saint Apollonia, the Catholic patron saint of dentistry. To be clear, the mausoleum could easily have not been up to code but it wasnāt because there were marble columns in the upper floor. Iām not trying to defend the park by any means, but Iād like to try to keep the facts straight to paint an accurate picture.
1:03:50 These details are also new to me and also not a surprise. Infrastructure throughout the park was very limited. Again, Iām not an expert and donāt know the specifics, but the idea of hosting mid-sized performances and concerts was brought up several times almost immediately when the park opened, and I was told the infrastructure couldnāt support anything like that. Not even electricity for proper lights and sound.
1:04:50 As far as I know this is correct. Iām sure new owners wouldnāt want to inherit all the problems, debts, and negative reputation Evermore Park the company has, but it is sad that the park and the intellectual property have been separated.
1:12:13 Iām getting flashbacks to hbomberguy revealing that Tommy Tallarico wasnāt actually on MTV Cribs
1:16:00 While Iām also not particularly optimistic, this is still a much better outcome than having it all be demolished and bulldozed for condominiums.
1:20:00 This isnāt the first time this has happened in Utah. They seem to be copying a trend of semi-high-profile scavenger hunts that have taken place in the state over the past several years. Unsurprisingly, the winners are always the people who can afford to commit the most time to it (i.e. not working a day job), which arenāt the people that could use the money the most.
1:32:20 Amongst the several, several red flags around Realm Town (and that terrible, terrible name), the one point of optimism Iāll give is that the man in this footage here (heās not as public as the owners so I wonāt name him but for all I know he introduces himself in one of their videos) is the former āProject Directorā at Evermore from late 2019 until the layoffs in 2021, and was in a senior creative position for at least a year before that. He was creatively involved in all the storylines and āgameplayā that existed during what is considered to be Evermoreās peak, and experienced firsthand all the traps, shortcomings, frustrations, and challenges in developing and operating Evermore. Him returning to the land formerly-known-as-Evermore is something of a redemption arc, or could be. I would say that because of his direct, firsthand experience that he is one of the more qualified people who could direct this project, but judging by everything youāre pointing out here I worry he is in a similar position under the Foxes as he was under Ken. But I also wonder, because of the new ownershipās apparent cluelessness and aimlessness, if he and/or other people passionate about the park were the ones who encouraged them to purchase the land in the first place.
1:50:40 Meh. If they didnāt know what they were getting into when they purchased the land then youāre just educating them about it now. Anyone reasonable would be grateful for it, but maybe itās unrealistic to expect that anyone who owns these projects to be reasonable.
1:52:10 Oh! There it is! The card game. I am forever bitter about it because the characters I played werenāt included in the initial set that was printed but were going to be in the finished but unpublished second set. Someone who had connections to its development very generously leaked the art to me and itās amazing and I donāt know if I can even legally share it.
I moved states after my last season at Evermore in August 2023, so I donāt have too much more insight into Realm Town or any other ongoing developments. What small relevance Iāve had here is quickly diminishing haha. I mentioned in another comment that Iām working on a video describing my experiences at Evermore. I say this not to self-promote, but hopefully by making myself accountable to some other people I might be encouraged enough to actually finish it. Big thanks yet again to Jenny for her earnest and thorough approach to this fascinating topic (and to all the topics she covers on her channel) that means a lot, or meant a lot, to several passionate and talented people and for encouraging large-scale creative endeavors to meet their potential by offering helpful and specific criticisms and ideas.
#jenny nicholson#evermore park#evermore#youtube#video essay#patreon#Realm Town#jenny#evermorepark#Jennynicholson#galactic starcruiser#starcruiser#larp#interactive#immersive#immersive experience#theme park#fantasy#roleplay
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You keep saying "Build a website" but doesn't that cost money?
It does! Like basically any other profession or hobby there are expenses eventually, and hosting is just another one like the tablet or the bristol board.
Generally my advice is to start out hosting somewhere free like ComicFury, both to see how well you actually like maintaining a long term project and how seriously you want to take it. If it turns out it's important enough to you that you want to turn it into a career or ensure its stability, you find a way to sustain it. In my case, I hosted Kidd Commander on tumblr for the first fifty pages or so, realized how unstable that was and how much it would upset me if they changed their content policies or functionality in ways that would harm my comic (which they have, several times), and started making efforts to drum up enough support to maintain its own site. Every person running a website of any kind went through some form of this process at some point!
If you give it a shot and find you DON'T really care to dump resources into it, if it isn't that big of a deal to you if it goes down with a company's ship one day, then it's probably not worth the trouble or the money! Websites are a lot of work and resources, and while in my opinion it's a good trade not everyone would agree. Maybe you have other places you need to put your money or your time, you have other things that take priority that means you don't elect to drop money on something that's more like a hobby, that's fine. This isn't like, backhanded either; not everyone DOES want to fool with all this, and even if you're into making comics that doesn't mean you also have strong enough feelings about longevity or ownership to want to put in the effort to own your own space.
Whether it's something you want to carve out for yourself is up to you, I can't help y'all with that. A lot of my aim when I bring up hosting is to remind people about the inherent risk they're taking by relying entirely on corporations to house these passion projects that are long term and, frequently, unattractive to the shareholders who will probably gain influence over the corporation during the course of the work. The internet is aggressively centralized, to the point a lot of people have gotten so comfortable with apps and for-profit social media that they trust them with a lot more than they should and aren't even aware there are other options. If it's free, you're the product, and as soon as you stop being profitable they will sweep up everything you've built and send you out empty handed. If that's not alarming to you, by all means set up shop somewhere like Webtoon. Really! But if it is, figure out what your goals are and get to work.
#not a rec#website help#people are leaving additional suggestions in the comments btw! go check em out if you like
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One of the things I think people as a whole don't understand about the internet today is that so much of what's wrong/dangerous/flawed about the internet exists because so much of the internet started as one person's hobby they built in their spare time or as a specific task for a specific function that was just useful/functional enough that literally everyone started using it. There's tons of biases built into the modern internet and some of that is carelessness but a lot of it is... just like. This was invented by a group of grad students fucking around for a few weeks. How the fuck were they supposed to know it'd be become the global standard and that nobody would bother to address or change these things?
Like, the whole reason that the US government gets the ".gov" domain name is because this entire system was invented in the US primarily for use in universities. Under the original system, you had to phone in to talk to the center who owned the list, tell them what name you wanted and then a person would type your name/ip onto the list attached to a nickname much like a phonebook. Then people slowly figured out domains and maintaining domain registries. And then the system became useful enough that more of the US started using it, and then people realized "oh shit, other countries want to use this too, guess we need to figure that out".
The "world wide web" or the thing we all know as the internet (and the reason that every website you visit has www in front), was invented originally by one dude trying to make his own job easier (Tim Berners-Lee). He thought it was pretty cool and shared it, and he was one guy who only spoke English and was just doing what he thought was going to work.
Like, this is a very lighthearted article talking about him, but I think it illustrates the point really well,
Sir Tim Berners-Lee, the creator of the World Wide Web, has confessed that the // in a web address were actually "unnecessary". He told the Times newspaper that he could easily have designed URLs not to have the forward slashes. "There you go, it seemed like a good idea at the time," he said. He admitted that when he devised the web, almost 20 years ago, he had no idea that the forward slashes in every web address would cause "so much hassle". His light-hearted apology even had a green angle as he accepted that having to add // to every address had wasted time, printing and paper.
via "sorry for the slashs"
We have an entire internet and infrastructure built rather haphazardly but also in such a way that going back and trying to change or fix things either requires an insane amount of work or could render vast swaths of the prior internet inaccessible.
Like, I think everyone here remembers Flash getting shut down and how much of childhood games got wiped off the generally accessible internet and relegated to projects like Flashpoint. It was really hard to see, but Flash was also a project started in 1996 (or 1993 if you count the OG version that turned into flash) that was supposed to be for a limited set of use cases, and not the medium on which major parts of the internet would run. By the time Adobe shut it down, Flash was incredibly dangerous with the constant risks of malware, it was buggy, slow, and there were a million better programs. It had to be killed to make way for better things, but because of how the internet was built, that death came at a pretty high cost.
So if you're ever wondering why it feels like the web is a bunch of dominoes ready to fall down at any time, it's because it is. And it does. And so many people spend so much of their time combating all the problems created by using systems that were never intended to handle everything they are currently handling because the alternative is a task of monstrous undertaking that would almost certainly turn decades of history to dust.
#sif speaks#internet culture#internet security#idk I just like#see people talking about the internet in such a way that shows they do not understand it#like I'm pretty sure the vast majority of people these days could not describe the difference between the internet and#www#and like#that says a lot
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some unsolicited, honest homebuying advice
hi hello it's been almost a year since i bought my house, so i wanted to post some advice that i've received in the last year related to buying a home and maintaining a home in hopes that it helps someone.
and yes, i know this is the housing crisis website, and i'm acutely aware of how incredibly privileged i am to be able to buy a house in the first place. we don't need to point these things out.
tldr; buying a house is a struggle and paying for upkeep on a house is a struggle, especially given the current economic state of things. struggling is normal and being frustrated is valid. but if you are in a position to buy and you've done your research, you should go for it bc the long-term investment is worth it. also if nothing else, you can paint your walls and decorate however you damn well want cos fuck renting
before you buy a house
like with renting an apartment, it's super important to factor in things like where you're located in relation to your work, to the grocery store, to busy roads, to potential natural disaster risks, etc. you should also consider the size of place you're looking for (depending on your family size, pets, etc.) and what you can afford, obvs
get a realtor and a mortgage broker, preferrably by way of referral. it's all well and good to google "realtors near me" or w/e, but getting someone that a family member, friend, or coworker has used and trusts is super valuable. also, most realtors/brokers are paid by commission, so their fees will come out of the closing cost (i'm pretty sure). they shouldn't charge you by the hour unless that's part of their business model ig
give yourself and your realtor enough time to properly search and tour houses and negotiate with the sellers. this is what i wished i'd done last year since i started searching at the beginning of july, then closed in the middle of august. it worked out in the end since the seller was super helpful and eager to sell (the house was part of his late mother's will), but it was super rushed and more stressful than it needed to be
this goes without saying, but make sure you actually have enough saved up to buy a house. the general rule of thumb is to have 20% or more of the buying price on hand
having a broker is super helpful since they can negotiate with mortgage companies on your behalf and get you the best rate. i THINK the most common type of mortgage is a fixed-rate mortgage, so no matter what the housing market does after you buy, you keep paying the same amount that's agreed on at closing (until you can refinance). the standard length of a fixed-rate mortgage is 30 years
if at some point you want to buy a second home or go back to renting, you need to live in your home for at least a year before renting it out (though this may be a state by state basis, so always check with your broker if that's something you're interested in. also i think you need to have a landlord license in some counties? idk, but this is something i remember lol)
also make a budget sheet ahead of time. this is just generally good life advice, but knowing how much you're paying each month on your mortgage, MI (mortgage insurance), HOA dues, and other expenses will help you in financing other projects (see below)
while you're buying the house
make a list of tasks to complete! i.e., when you need to report what amount of loan you prequalify for, when you need to complete an appraisal, when to deliver earnest money, etc. your realtor/broker will be staying on top of this stuff too, but i found it helpful to keep track of it on my end too
find out ahead of time what things you need to change your address on, like bank accounts, credit cards, insurance, etc.
HOA's suck. if i had a choice, i would 100% paint my home in a fun color that isn't sad beige and i would put bird feeders everywhere, but alas. however, HOA's do serve a purpose. if a sewer pipe bursts in your home, it's usually the HOA's job to fix it. same with if there's a foundation issue. or a rot in the siding. while you still have to cover certain things, an HOA will help with others. i personally think reasonable HOA dues are around $250-$300, but it depends on the house and neighborhood. either way, make sure to factor HOA fees into your monthly payments
also, if they don't already provide these, ask your realtor to request HOA docs like minutes, bylaws, policies & procedures, budget sheets, etc. these can give you a good insight on how the HOA works and how useful/effective they are
when you have a property inspection and the inspector finds some egregious problems, 100% try to negotiate the price down or get the seller to fix the problem before you buy. my place had a gas leak (not major, but still), and we asked the seller to fix it at his own cost and he DID. also i think they ended up knocking like $4k off the final price?? so that was cool
if possible and applicable, try to bundle your home/condo insurance with your car insurance. it'll save you some money in the long run. also in tandem with the HOA advice above, homeowner's insurance tends to just cover what's inside the walls of the house (if you have an HOA). your situation may be different, so always always ALWAYS do your research to make sure you're adequately covered
this goes without saying, but show up on time to your closing lol. also, hold onto your closing documents and note important dates like when your MI goes away or when you're allowed to refinance
after you've bought the house
shit will break. it will suck. more likely than not, you'll be responsible for fixing it, either by learning how to fix things or by calling a contractor. but you gotta remember that buying a house is a long-term investment and one of the best ways to build equity in the US of A. the shit that you fix now will pay off in the long run
buyer's remorse is real. it will also suck. don't look at other properties after you close. you Will regret it
the things you should ABSOLUTELY call a licensed professional for (unless you yourself are a professional in these areas, in which case, go you) are plubming, electric, pest control, heating/cooling, and doors/windows. if you have referrals from family, friends, or coworkers, that's even better!
things you can learn to do yourself: drywall repair, painting walls (super fun, btw), installing carpeting or basic appliances/fixtures, etc. if you run into issues or a project is more than you bargained for, swallow your pride and call a professional
that being said, contractors are EXPENSIVE!!! for a good reason of course, but a necessary repair can decimate your savings. if the contractor offers a financing option, take it, especially if it's something that absolutely has to be fixed. be aware of how much you can put down initially so you can lower your payments in the long run
with no. 5 in mind, be aware of how many lines of credit you have open. these can positively or negatively affect your credit score. i would not recommend paying for major repairs with a credit card unless you can pay it off like. immediately. or if it's an absolute necessity. otherwise you'll be sitting with that debt for a looooong time
also side note, furniture is stupidly expensive, even when its on clearance. 100% would recommend getting thrifted or free furniture. just make sure to thoroughly clean everything, especially couches or other furniture with fabric/cushioning. do NOT pick up furniture like couches or mattresses from the side of the road. just Don't
i would recommend signing up with a pest control service like orkin or terminix (or whatever is available in your area). they should give you a relatively affordable rate (terminix is like $50 a month?) for inspections and quarterly cleanings. like, i appreciate wasps as pollinators, but i do Not want them making nests in my garage. yknow?
part of your monthly mortgage payment goes into an escrow account, which is basically just money that the mortgage company doesn't put towards your loan. instead, the escrow account is used for property taxes (which vary by county) and your homeowner's insurance. these payments should be automatic and shouldn't require anything on your part. i learned this the hard way and paid the first part of my property taxes out of pocket. you cannot get this money back and it will go into your escrow account. which is like. fine. but it's a bummer. so don't do what i did and just let your mortgage company handle it
if you're in a position where you can ask your family for help financially, just do it. it sucks a lot. nobody wants to ask for money. but your parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, or whoever should want to help you*. just approach the conversation like an adult, say what you're able to contribute, then ask what they can contribute. if they're able to loan you money or give you money as a gift, thank them! say how thankful you are, send them flowers, show them your love in another way, idc!
again, i know HOA's suck. but if you have an HOA, get involved, find the loopholes i mean follow the rules, and pay your dues on time. you don't have to be on the board, but at least attend an HOA meeting or two and keep up with the minutes from previous meetings to stay in the loop of what the HOA is doing for the neighborhood. when you have the opportunity to vote on things, do it! vote in new board members if you can't stand the current ones. vote to have a special assessment or not. just be informed!
if and when you have the opportunity to refinance AND if the interest rate is lower than when you bought the place, DO IT. REFINANCE THAT SHIT. you can lock in at a lower monthly mortgage payment, that shit rocks!!!!
this bit i got from my therapist yesterday, so i'm really taking it to heart: unless you're rich from the getgo, buying and owning a house is fucking hard. as long as you're doing your best to pay your mortgage on time and responsibly managing your finances with repairs and whatnot, you're doing fine. a lot of people are in the same boat as you or worse. give yourself some grace when you have to finance a project cos you can't pay it all upfront. remind yourself that we're living in a total hellscape, and the fact that you own your own place is fucking awesome. and you don't have to deal with a leasing company! you have complete control of how the interior of your place looks! hell, as long as you find loopholes abide by the HOA's rules, you can do pretty much whatever you want outside, too! sometimes it can be hard, and you can cry and scream and be as frustrated as you want, but you have to keep going. you got this!
*because i know tumblr is also the piss on the poor website, let me be clear that i know that not everyone has the same family dynamic as i do. i'm giving this piece of advice ONLY if you're on good terms with your family and ONLY if they are in a financial situation to help you. do NOT feel like you need to ask family members for money if it would put you in a bad place physically, mentally, or emotionally. it ain't worth it and you will find another way
#wow shush lavi#life advice#i guess is what i'll tag this as lmao#idk if anyone will read this or care too much but#oh well. it's therapeutic for me anyway lol#to remind myself of all the shit i accomplished to get here. and how i just gotta keep on trucking along#anyway. i should probably do some actual work too lol
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Best IVF Doctor in Gurgaon by Dr. Sonu Balhara
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Indiaās Best SEO Services: Boost Your Website Rankings with Proven Strategies
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In todayās digital world, search engine optimization services in Delhi play a crucial role in helping businesses enhance their online presence. SEO is not just about ranking higher on search engines; itās about building brand credibility, driving organic traffic, and increasing conversions. Companies investing in SEO services in New Delhi enjoy long-term benefits that help them outperform competitors and establish a strong online footprint.
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How to move your business online | Convert Offline Dukaan in ā¹149
How to move your business online | Convert Offline Dukaan in ā¹149
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Every so often you see a ridiculous post, usually something with sexual content presented humorously, and a reblog comment will say something to the effect of "this is why this website is unprofitable"
And while those are funny, it's just patently untrue.
Firstly, it behooves us to establish a baseline of terminology, because in current discourse there's a major disconnect between what 'unprofitable' means when used by tumblr users and when used by tumblr executives.
Unprofitable in lay use typically means 'there is a net negative cash flow for this company' while in executive terms it means something more like 'the revenue generated here is unfit for long term growth'. The key distinction is that root word profit; In reality Tumblr is profitable by the first definition but unprofitable by the second. If tumblr wasn't bringing in enough money to at least balance out operating costs it would have been gone long ago. MySpace still exists, Tumblr will likely occupy that same space until it literally can't afford to anymore. The real issue is that tumblr's business model doesn't generate its own growth, and therefore doesn't continually expand its proft above operation like every corporation expects to.
Basically when users on here talk about profits they're measuring velocity, while executives are measuring acceleration. How much will the money increase its own collection, how can we make that happen faster, and how can we maintain that acceleration curve?
Now that that's out of the way, let's look at Tumblr's actual business model. Compared to Twitter and Facebook, tumblr lacks two key things: Public acclaim, and user incentives for engagement loops.
The first part is easy. Tumblr isn't a famous platform like Facebook is or like Twitter is. Outside of Tumblr, nobody talks about Tumblr. This means it's not viewed as a strong market for advertisers, it's not generating waves of new users, and it's not gonna get attention for doing critical maintenance or breakthrough innovation because the crowds simply aren't here. There are millions of Tumblr users, but it really doesn't mean the same thing as the collective hundreds of millions of users across Facebook and Instragram that all generate tons of ad and data revenue for one corporation.
The second part is more complicated because it gets into the psychology of social media engagement, and I'm not gonna pretend to be an expert on how that works. But the crux of it is that the mechanics of engagement with Tumblr are just different from that of Twitter in a few basic ways that mean huge differences in how the space is utilized.
Firstly, Tumblr is fairly obtuse about post longevity; the halflife of a tumblr post is effectively eternal because posts from the first year the website was open for public use still circulate. Posts didn't even have dates put onto them for users to see until like two years ago, unless you modded your website layout with third party tools like Xkit. This is great if you want a website where your art can last forever, but terrible for creating large surges of engagement super quickly on hot button topics and posts. This latter model is how basically all social media operates nowadays, with posts basically dying after 48 hours. There's always a frenzy on every meme, headline, picture, thinkpiece, and political fuckup that inevitably creates micro-surges of engagement for whoever saw it. This creates vicious cycles of attention seeking in just about everyone involved, but it just doesn't work that way here. I get periodic validation from writing I've posted years ago and that gives me the feedback I'd normally have to post hourly to attain on twitter, so there's really no drive for me to constantly be posting. This lack of need to constantly generate content feeds into the first issue of public acclaim; if everyone isn't constantly posting then the content which does leak out from here isn't enough to cross most of the thresholds to motivate people to migrate to the platform and give it public acclaim.
Secondly, the people who *do* post constantly aren't rewarded for doing so in any meaningful way. People who generate tons of content for YouTube and Instagram and TikTok make actual literal money from doing so. People can use Twitter and Facebook to advertise themselves, their products, their podcasts, their personal websites, whatever. With enough of a presence on most social media, there's monetary drives involved. And this motivates some unsuccessful users to keep trying to gain personal acclaim because it's no longer a social media platform, it's a shovel salesman in a gold rush. Tumblr does not have this. Tipping was added a while back but from what I can tell it's not widely used, and even if it was that's still money coming from other users and not the platform itself. Nobody is posting on tumblr to try and make it big and get real money doing so. The people posting a lot on tumblr are people like writers posting updates for their fics, artists posting their art, sex workers promoting their OnlyFans, porn blogs, stolen meme accounts, and the odd wizard here and there. Most people here are engaging for social fulfillment, which is ironically the least profitable motive a social media platform can offer its userbase.
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AI to Human Text Converter Free Online
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MS Flanges Q&A
What is the current 2 inch MS flange price available at Udhhyog?
The current price for a 2 inch MS flange at Udhhyog can vary based on market conditions and bulk purchase agreements. For the most accurate and updated pricing, please visit our MS Flanges page.
How much does a 3 inch MS flange cost from your inventory?
The price of a 3 inch MS flange is competitive, with prices typically reflecting the quality and manufacturing standards we uphold. For specific pricing, refer to our product listing on our website.
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What is Cloud Hosting?: Benefits and Types
Are you a startup owner looking to host your website globally? Are you tight on budgets prompting you to seek an efficient yet economical solution for server hosting?
With the world growing digital, where everything is becoming more accessible, there's a solution that aligns perfectly to your needs: cloud hosting. But, if you're wondering what exactly cloud hosting is, you're not alone. This article is designed to help you understand cloud hosting, guiding you through its nuances and illustrating why it might be the ideal solution for your startup
What is Cloud Hosting?
Cloud hosting is a web hosting service that enables you to operate your application and website globally in a cost efficient manner. Your website is being hosted through a cluster of servers and even if one server fails at some point of a time the other one backs it up enabling your site to run smoothly without failing to load when a user clicks on your site.
How is Cloud Hosting different from traditional hosting?
Traditionally organisations host websites and applications on single,Ā physical servers. This method may require purchasing or leasing data centres. This not only consumes a lot of space to store the servers, it also increases the hiring cost. And if your website or application experiences a sudden spike in the traffic, it will slow it down drastically. On the other hand, cloud hosting offers a solution to overcome these challenges by hosting your site globally from wherever you are with just a click. Cloud hosting is more flexible, scalable and cost efficient. In this method,Ā you pay a cloud service provider to host your site and app across various physical and virtual servers enabling it to host globally. This is an ideal way for the business owners who are trying to expand their global presence.
How does cloud hosting work?
Cloud hosting uses multiple servers to balance the load and improve the loading speed of the site or application. In this approach even if one server fails the other server kicks in making everything run smoother. This is called virtualization where multiple virtual servers run on a single physical server each running independently of the other.
What are the benefits of Cloud hosting?
Cloud hosting is one of the most cost efficient ways to run your site and application which provides immense flexibility.
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What are the types of Cloud Hosting?
Cloud hosting can be categorised into 4 main types:
1. Public Cloud
Public cloud works in a similar fashion like the public transport where many people travel in one bus and third party service providers maintain and manage all the services. In the case of public clouds the cloud infrastructure is available for multiple websites and third party service providers maintain and manage the hardware.
2. Private Cloud
It is similar to having your own car that's managed by you. Private clouds are built and maintained by you and later your organisations make use of it.
3. Hybrid Cloud
It is similar to renting an OLA cab. Either you want to pool the cab and travel with others or you want to travel alone. That depends totally on you. Hybrid cloud is a blend of public and private cloud where you run your website and applications through multiple infrastructure and store data in specific locations.
4. Managed Cloud
It is similar to renting a cab on a monthly basis where a third party manages all the operations. Managed cloud works similarly where third party cloud providers manage all the operational practices like backups, security and more.
Bottom Line
Cloud hosting represents a transformative approach, providing startup and businesses a flexible, scalable and cost efficient way toĀ host websites globally. There are 4 types of cloud hosting like public, private, hybrid and managed cloud you can choose from. Understanding fundamentals will help you make informed decisions for growing digitally.
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My Brothers, Corrupted
Book Five: Section Three
Dapper's psychosis worsens as he goes on without treatment, and the others try to figure out what to do while still trying to maintain a feeling of safety. Masterlist
Tws for self-hatred, past abuse, and psychosis and treatment discussions, including institutionalization. Marvin also snaps at the audience a couple times. Tws may not be completely exhaustive - keep in mind the heaviness of the fic and look out for yourself.
Thank you to @lehhoh7822 for taking the time to compile this book!
.
Blue wakes up alone.
He rubs at his face and turns over, considering just going back to sleep. Heās tired. But heās hungry, too, and if heās hungry than his brothers are hungry, and if his brothers are hungry, he needs to make breakfast.
āJackie?ā he calls, hoping his twin is just getting ready in the bathroom, but thereās no answer. The house is cold. He drags himself out of bed, shuddering in the chill. Ugh. The football jersey he threw on as a sleep-shirt is sweaty and unwashed, not unlike his dead white hair. He picks at a scab on his neck til it bleeds, frustrated from the moment he wakes up.
Thereās a note on the bedside table in his brotherās struggling, messy handwriting.
Blue, I went to town because I found out about some people who can maybe help us get a place to stay and food and a job and things. I will get some stuff we need at the store. I checked last night and you and me and Chase are registered as Irish citizens in the health care system acording to the website but Dapper and Dok are British and German so it maybe costs some money to take them in to see someone but if they need appointements right now I will find the money. Iāll be home later and hopefuly we can go stay somewhere else. Love Ro
āYouāve got to be kidding, Red,ā protests Blue, gripping at his hair. āNone of us should be out alone. He hates crowds and public transportation but he just goes out alone⦠determined bastard. How will I find him if something happens? Dammit!ā
He crumples the paper and throws it at the wall, slumping back into bed. Maybe he will just go back to sleep. But then again he feels so disgusting. This goddamn skin. He pulls the blankets over his head and groans into his pillow.
Anonymous asked: Blue, I think it might be possible some of Anti's magic or his 'soul' or anything might remain in you. Not that you are not your own person, but you've been showing signs that some of his magic might have stuck in you when Dark ripped him out. I mean, the anger, the love of Trick, the possible accidental hypnotism. I think it's something you should consider.
āAh, right, yeah,ā says Blue, slouching out of bed and washing his face in the bathroom sink. āForgive me for having some shit going on right now and a friendship with one of my brothers. Must be a demon in my soul. Glad to know I look that much like my abuser to the lot of you.ā
He throws the towel down and stares back at you, eyes flashing. āYou sound like Dapper. Anti is DEAD. Move on.ā
scunneredzombie asked: Jackie, did you bring a camera with you?
āHe probably didnāt even bother to think of that,ā mutters Blue, checking the bag to count how many cameras they have with them. āMaybe he at least took Antiās phone if he really needs anything. Heās having so much fun with his new independence heās starting to get sloppy.ā
Blue shifts through some of his clean clothes for a minute, but what does it even matter? He drops his bag and gets up, heading to the room next door.
āChase, Dok! Do you want breakfast?ā
Thereās no answer. He cracks the door open quietly and finds only one sleep-tousled twin laid out in the stolen bed, eyes closed, breathing soft and even. For a second, Blue feels a little better. He shouldnāt be so grouchy. Theyāre fighting a lot lately, sure, but what matters is that Anti is gone and theyāre all together and alive. Theyāll go from there.
āWhereās your twin, though, huh?ā he sighs, closing the door. āDok? Chase must be tired if heās sleeping through you sneaking off. Henrik?ā
Anonymous asked: I didn't say you look like your abuser. I said it's seriously a possibility some of his magic stuck to you. Blue, he is dead, and he is gone. But this is a serious thing to consider, you shouldn't brush it off so quick. You looked Chase in the eye and possibly hypnotized him a bit. That can't be just tossed aside like it doesn't matter.
āWhat are you talking about?ā mumbles a sleepy voice behind him, and a second later, Chase is creaking open the door, blinking at him.
āJust something stupid,ā snipes Blue, setting the camera down on the shelf beside him. āForget it.ā
Chase hums sleepily.
But the more he thinks about it, the more it starts to eat at him. Heās nauseous. Anti still here? Anti still inside him, moving him, controlling him? He remembers -
Ink in his mouth, and blood on his face -
Laughter. Not his laughter, but from his mouth.
Dapper stares up at him like heās everything he hates and loves at the same time.
Henrik is splayed out beneath him, screaming for help, but all he does is keep hitting him, again and again, beating his fists against his head, his chest, his arms, til his knuckles are stained with Henrikās blood.
āDo you think Marvinās going to fucking wake up, you little bitch, is that what youāre screaming for? Do you think big brotherās going to save you? No one is fucking coming, Henrik, no one is going to save you, and all your brother can do is fucking WATCH - ā
āBlue,ā comes a steady voice, and then Chaseās hands are cupping his cheeks, trying to draw his gaze. āBlue. Iām here. Just breathe.ā
Blue leans over and grabs his stomach, shaking so hard he canāt stay on his feet. His knees buckle and Chase grabs him, holding him tight and helping him to sit down.
āYouāre okay. Youāre okay. Blue, youāre okay.ā
These hands, these hands, his hands, his hands. He can feel - he still remembers -
He grabs his throat and wheezes, crumpling in over himself, letting Chase fold over him and hold him, making reassurances to him again and again and again.
Anonymous asked: You are you, even if his magic does remain. You were you and he was him. Nothing he did is your doing, nothing he said is your fault. You are Blue/Marvin and you have been through all of this. He stole from you, stole your body, but nothing he used it for is your fault. Do not shoulder the responsibility of your abuser, love.
āI need - I need to talk to Henrik - why wonāt he talk, Chase, why doesnāt he talk, I need - ā
āI know, Blue, I know.ā
āAnd Dapper looks at me like he still sees him in me, I hate that, I hate him, I hate all of this. I canāt ever fix anything, Iām just - ā
āItās not your job to fix anything, Blue, just breathe.ā
āHe took everything from me!ā screams Blue, jerking so hard Chase pins him down slightly, scared heāll slam his head into something. āI wish I had killed him slower! I wish I had chained him up in that barbed wire and tore through that fucking cut on his throat once and for all!ā
Chase takes long, slow breaths, trying to get Blue to follow.
āItās not your fault, Blue, what he did.ā
āI can still feel him crawling inside me, fucking parasite.ā
āItās just the trauma, Blue. Heās gone.ā
āWhat if I did hypnotize you?ā
āWhat?ā
āWhat if I did? The other day? We made eye contact and you - you got all - kind of dopey, you know?ā
āIām not Trick anymore,ā says Chase firmly. āNothing like that happened. Just forget it, Blue. Itās done.ā
scunneredzombie asked: Chase, any idea where Henrik got to? Outside maybe? Take your time with Blue, he needs you, but finding Dok should be the next-up.
āOh, shit,ā says Chase, sitting up. āOh, fuck, he must have snuck off while I was asleep, fuck.ā
It puts fear in him immediately, and heās on his feet, calling for him. āDok? Iām here! Where are you? You donāt think he ran off, do you? Blue, Iām going to go grab him, just quick, Iāll be right back.ā
Blue lets him go without protest, slumping back against the wall. Itās Chaseās job to protect his brother the same way Marvin was supposed to look out for all of them. He buries his face in his hands and closes his eyes, flowers curling out from one sleeve of his shirt in woeful blue petals.
Anonymous asked: None of you have jobs anymore, you all deserve to relate with and help each other at any time, like a family. Not Antis dollhouse, but an actual family, all of you to all of you.
āI gave up Marvin for a chance to save them someday,ā Blue tells you quietly, running his fingers over old scars. āBut all I could do was kill him and that fixed so little. I still have to see them all breaking in half and I canāt do anything about it. Canāt even get a hold of myself. Youāre right, Red and I are just going to end up being the new version of him. Controlling because we think we care, unlike him, but controlling anyway. Maybe I do still treat Chase like Trick. I wish so badly that one of them could just be⦠okay. Could just be himself again. Happy and healthy and fine. But weāre all just fucked up and tired. How am I even supposed to start fixing any of this? I think even if Red gets us everything we need, weāll still all just be shadows of the people we used to be.ā
He pauses, breathing more even, more slow. Okay. Okay.
āI wish my hair would grow back,ā he adds, voice small. āI really wish this body was mine again.ā
scunneredzombie asked: And are shadows not still worthy of love and care? You, all of you, need to stop trying to be the exact people you were before he was in control. Trauma /changes/ you. Trauma changes your brain, physically and emotionally. But those changes don't take away your value or your personhood. It's okay to change, and it's okay to feel like shadows for a bit while you heal. Don't give up, you lot!
Blue is quiet, staring down at his feet, his knees drawn to his chest.
āYeah,ā he mumbles. āThey all still deserve a lot. I⦠deserve better. A lot better than the way he treated us. I just wish I could give it to them. I think itās so ingrained in my head - and in Roās too - that we have to make sure theyāre okay before we can be okay. I guess maybe I should be focusing on myself but I just want them to be⦠ugh. What a mess all of this is.ā
He feels bad all the way down to his heart, doubly exhausted now from his freak-out, and embarrassed that Chase saw him like that. His little brother is coming back towards him now, Dok in tow and a worried look on his face, but Blue doesnāt want to see them right now. Doesnāt want to see Henrik silent and blank from the things that Blue - that Anti did to him. Doesnāt want to risk looking too deeply into Chaseās eyes and realizing that you might be right, and some part of Anti remains inside of him, enough to mess with Chaseās brain. Doesnāt want to be looked at at all, not while heās⦠this.
āCan I just get some alone time?ā he asks, rubbing his face.
āI could be alone with you,ā offers Chase quickly. āBut, um, also - ā
āChase, I just - I just want some alone time.ā
Chase glances back at Henrik, who blinks at him. He sighs.
āUm, okay. Yeah, no worries. But if you need anything, Blue⦠you know Iād do anything for you, right?ā
āI love you too,ā answers Blue softly.
Chaseās mouth flickers with a small, taut smile. He leads Henrik back down the stairs.
Anonymous asked: Blue. You're putting shields up against people that don't want to hurt you. You have a right to your privacy always, but you don't have to deny the fact that you need help and you want to get better. You're a problem solver but it's okay to ask for help and it's okay to accept it as well.
āYeah, well,ā grouses Blue, getting up and heading back towards his room. āConsider this one more shield.ā
And he closes his door and leaves you in the hallway.
Downstairs, Chase flinches at the sound of the door shutting. He squares his shoulders and lets go of a deep breath, stepping out onto the porch.
āOkay, Dap,ā he says unsteadily. āBlue is taking a break. But we can figure this out between the three of us, right?ā
Dapper doesnāt reply. His hands are coated black with charcoal, which he has spread across the entire back wall of the house, repeating drawings of eyes over and over and over again.
Anonymous asked: JJ, are you alright? Another paranoid episode?
āHey, Dapper,ā murmurs Chase, sinking to his knees beside him. āHey, look at me. Are you okay? JJ? Can you look at me?ā
He just keeps drawing. Henrik is already on his other side, right where Chase found him this morning - trying to pull the charcoal out of his hand and touching the back of his head like heās somehow holding him in place. Itās the most independent reaction Chase has seen his twin offer in weeks, but it isnāt doing much. Henrik tightens his grip on the charcoal and Dapper shoves his hand away, curled low over an eye on the corner of the house.
āDapper,ā says Chase, louder, putting a hand on his chin and trying to draw his gaze to him. āYou didnāt sleep, did you? You have to stop. Jameson, hey.ā
Henrik blinks at him from the other side of their brother. Dapper doesnāt stop.
āOkay.ā Chase chews on the nail of his thumb. āOkay, so not listening. Maybe not hearing me. Dapper, canāt you just tell me what you need? What are the eyes for?ā
Heās been scrawling so hard and for so long that thereās blood on the ends of his fingers.
scunneredzombie asked: Offer a reality check, Chase? Like reminding him where he is, his name, your name, that he's safe, etc. Reminders of truths and things that would provide comfort.
āDapper? Iām here. Itās me, Chase, and Henrik, too. Thatās whoās touching you. Youāre safe here, yeah? Dap. Look at me, okay? Can you please? Can you tell me what the eyes are for?ā
Dapper scrapes at his ears for a second. Theyāre black with charcoal and red with how hard heās been scratching at them, cupping them, striking them. Chase pulls his hand down from his ear.
āYouāre going to make yourself bleed. JJ, talk to me.ā
āCanāt talk.ā
āHey! Yeah, here I am, okay, I know you canāt talk, I just mean - you know what I mean, right, you - ā
āNobodyās listening. Just talking talking talking.ā
āIām here, itās Chase, Iām listening.ā
Dapper keeps drawing eyes. Or Chase thinks theyāre eyes. They seem to just be devolving into ovals with circles inside them. Dapper rocks himself forward with a sudden intensity, letting himself slump against the back wall like heās trying to collapse into it, but still drawing, still drawing.
āIāll get you some water, okay?ā offers Chase, drawing back from him, unnerved. Dapperās posture is distinctly uncomfortable-looking, like a mannequin with cut strings left splayed against the wall, but he doesnāt try to adjust. His pupils are shrunken dots.
āFuck, fuck,ā he whispers to himself, hurrying into the house to get him some water.
Henrik stays outside, staring at Dapper as he draws. After a second he sits down beside him and starts tracing over the eyes with his finger, smudging it in charcoal. Dapper pushes his hand away and corrects the lines heās marred without comment. Henrik has a hand on his knee, quiet.
Anonymous asked: Is Anti talking to you, Jay? He's just a ghost now, don't fret. He can't hurt you, and he can't see you. He's a hallucination. You're very paranoid and scared right now, I understand. Try to bring yourself back to reality. Focus on the water's coldness, on Henrik and Chase being there for you, on the friendly, brotherly hands that touch and try to bring you back. You will be okay. No one is watching besides people who love you.
Chase is good with him by now - knows what to say, how to hold onto him, what to look out for when things are getting bad. But no matter how much he speaks reassurances in calm, even tones and short sentences, or how gently he repositions his shaking body, or how carefully heās trying to look after him, heās not coming out of it.
āHow long has he been like this?ā asks Chase, looking up at his twin like heās hoping heāll start talking again in this exact moment and give him all the answers like he used to. āWhat are we supposed to do? I need Red or Blue.ā
He gets to his feet, stalking in circles as he tries to think. Thereās a sudden dry yelp and he turns, alarmed, to see Henrik reeling back, gripping his nose.
āDapper!ā Chase howls. āItās Dok, not Anti! Did you hit him?ā
He reaches down to grab his wrist, but Dapper thrashes free, teeth gritted, eyes watering with fear.
āHeās everywhere, he wonāt leave me alone, I canāt get out of my roomā¦ā
Chase pulls Henrik to his feet and leads him inside, sitting him down on the couch. This is out of control. He knows what he would do next, but - well, heās not in charge. He needs Red or Blue.
scunneredzombie asked: You're in charge right now Chase. You're the most functional person around currently. Try doing what your idea was, it could be helpful. JJ just needs people to be cautious and gentle to him right now, remind him he's free and not in that prison of a room. Turn him around and let him see the grass and forest behind the house, take him onto the soil if you can. Literal 'grounding'.
Chase sits with Dapper a while longer, looking at him. He tries touching him, pulling at him, trying to turn him around, but Dapper just yanks back towards the wall with increasing desperation, his fingers smearing blood across charcoal. Itās been a long time since heās been this stuck in his head, but the truth is that heās been struggling for weeks now, and there are a lot of things Chase wishes they would have done for him a long time ago.
Okay. Heās in charge right now.
Heās not little brother. Heās just a brother. No more hierarchy. Okay.
He gets to his feet and goes up to Blueās room. He opens the door and steps inside, and his sibling looks up at him in confusion from beneath a pile of somebody elseās blankets.
āDapper needs to go to the hospital,ā says Chase. āIām going to take him to the bus stop.ā
Anonymous asked: Good call, Chaser. Do you know if there's any behavioral clinics near to you? JJ would have a difficult time in the hospital, what with all the strangers, but it might be just what would help right now. He need his medicine and he needs a safe place with people who know what to do.
āHold up, whatās going on?ā demands Blue, hurrying out of bed. āLet me see him. Iāll handle it.ā
āBlue, I love you, but you and Dapper arenāt really best friends right now. Heās been hallucinating and erratic for days now and now heās almost totally unresponsive, drawing eyes on the walls and scraping at his ears because his voices are so loud. Blue, heās having a psychotic break, and if it doesnāt get handled, not only is he going to keep suffering, he could snap the timeline. I know weāre used to Dapper being kind of - well, weird. But we canāt pretend any of this is normal.ā
āOkay, but Chase, if we take him to a hospital, they might put him in a psych ward.ā
āWhat if he needs to be in a psych ward for a little while?ā asks Chase, exhausted. āWith professionals? Or what if they just give him some medication and let him come home with us once heās stable?ā
āWe need to run this past Jackie,ā says Blue, pushing past Chase to go find his little brother.
āJackieās not here. And even if he were⦠you know he wouldnāt let us do this. Heās so scared of losing control he would never let someone else take care of his baby brother. Heās paranoid too right now. Dapper needs to see a professional. Now.ā
Blue pushes out onto the porch. Dapper doesnāt look up at him, but when Blue reaches out to touch his shoulder, Dapper gasps and cowers from him, wrapping his arms around his head and curling in on himself, panting.
āOh, lovey, oh, love,ā moans Blue, tugging at his hair, stressed. āUm, I - I donāt know. I just wanted to take him to a clinic to get a prescription.ā
āThatās all Anti ever did for him,ā mumbles Chase. āIt was never enough. Letās at least look for behavioral clinics like they said.ā
āWe donāt have any way to do that. No phone or computer or anything. And we are not talking to the neighbors - weāve already fucked up this whole house, donāt need to be any more suspicious.ā
scunneredzombie asked: Blue, I know it hurts, but there's not much you or Chase can do for him right now. Going to an urgent care or a hospital is what he needs right now, or something bad could happen to him. When people become unresponsive there's not much to do - if they don't have their medicine - besides taking them to a doctor. I've had to do it before, there's no shame in it. Psychosis is a serious thing and needs serious help.
āWhatās the stress here?ā asks Chase wearily. āWhatās the problem?ā
āI donāt know,ā snaps Blue, trying not to cry. āMaybe that weāre broke and heās not in the health care system? Or that heās mute and psychotic and they might treat him badly? That he might be scared, that he might be violent, that he might talk too much about his abusive family and all the people weāve murdered? How about the fact that Jackie is going to be pissed and terrified? Chase, this isnāt going to work.ā
Chase stares down at his feet for a second, eyes tired.
āBlue,ā he says after a moment. āI donāt want to spend the rest of my life sick and hiding.ā
Blue sighs, closing his eyes.
āYouāre good, right, Chase?ā he asks. āThatās not true what Jackie said. That youāre just acting like the sunshine kid to make me happy.ā
Chase cringes slightly, looking away. āCan we talk about this later?ā
āFuck,ā Blue curses, rubbing at his face. āFuckā¦. fine. Okay. Okay, yes, weāre doing this. Jackie will flip his shit, but weāll deal with it. Dapper, honey. We gotta go. Come with me, okay?ā
Still just drawing. Just drawing in circles.
āHow are we doing this?ā asks Blue.
āI donāt know,ā sighs Chase. āCarry him?ā
āIām going to pull him a little here,ā warns Blue, reaching down. He ends up wrapping his arms tight around Dapperās shoulders and heaving him to his feet even as Dapper starts to struggle, alarmed. Once heās up heās a little less steady, but less angry too, just blinking around at the world with tears in his eyes and a shaking piece of charcoal in his hand.
āBabe, weāre going to the hospital,ā says Blue clearly. āCome on, okay?ā
āIām not allowed - ā
āYouāre allowed. Itās okay. Chase, you ready?ā
āWhat? No, I have to stay here with Dok.ā
āYouāre sticking me with him alone? You were the one who said he doesnāt like me that much right now!ā
āWhat are we supposed to do, bring two tortured brothers into the ER? That wonāt look suspicious!ā
āSo Iāll stay with Dok, then!ā
Chase flinches, shaking his head rapidly.
āChase - ā
āIāll stay with him,ā says Chase, creeping back towards the house. āI have to stay with him.ā
Blue groans and turns to Dapper, who stares back at him with his huge, terrified eyes.
āFine, fine,ā he breathes out. āThis is going to be a trainwreck. This is going to suck. Come on, buddy.ā
āIām not allowed.ā
āYouāre allowed.ā
āIām stuck in my room⦠heās going to hurt meā¦ā
āCome on, Dap.ā
Anonymous asked: Chase, let Blue stay with Henrik. You need to be able to trust other people to take care of him. Get away from the twin hierarchy and let another brother care for him. JJ is scared of Blue currently, he needs someone he fully trusts to guide him. Henrik will be okay without you for just a few hours. Everything will be alright.
Chase shifts back towards the house, clinging to the doorway. He can hear Henrik playing with an old game of dominoes on the coffee table, clicking and placing the pieces together. He doesnāt want to go.
āDonāt you trust me?ā asks Blue.
āItās not about that,ā says Chase.
āSo whatās it about.ā
āHeās mine,ā snarls Chase, face darkening. āNot yours. Not anybody elseās. And when he wakes up, itās me heās coming back to.ā
He turns on Blue and shuts the door.
Anonymous asked: He doesn't belong to you Chase. Henrik is his own person, and he is not to be treated like he's helpless just because he can't speak. Don't be possessive in that way, it too reminiscent of Anti.
Chase chews on his nails, staring at his brother. Henrik is putting the domino pieces together right, or at least in a way that makes sense. Matching colors and numbers. Heās there, just⦠far away.
āSorry, Blue,ā he calls through the door.
Blue snorts on the other side. āThat was fast. You have a temper like a bunny rabbit. Go get Dapper some shoes.ā
Chase moves off to find the nearest pair of torn-up sneakers, tired of the day already. He hands them over to Blue and watches him help lace them onto Dapperās feet, sinking down onto the couch beside Henrik. He moves one of his dominoes and Henrikās eyes flicker up to him, slightly narrow in a way that makes Chase think maybe he knows heās being played with. He laughs weakly and touches his brotherās cheek. Henrik gazes at him, blinking.
āI should never have left you alone, man,ā whispers Chase. āI wish you were here to forgive me. I just donāt want you to be alone again when you come back.ā
Henrik stares at him. His glasses are a little crooked on his nose. A little broken and a little crooked. His twin.
Henrik reaches slowly out and wraps his arms around his neck, letting his head fall down onto Chaseās shoulder. Chase feels a shaky breath escape from his chest. He tries to move slowly. Tries not to startle him. Canāt break this.
He hugs his brother back slowly, his hands pressing into his back. They seem to fit just right.
āIāll take him if you really want,ā Chase tells him a few minutes later, sliding back towards Blue. āDokās okay. Dapperās not.ā
āI almost want to take him now,ā sighs Blue. āThatās my job, right?ā
āDoesnāt have to be.ā
āHeās already upset with me. If you take him, he might be mad at you too.ā
āEither way will be okay with me.ā
Anonymous asked:
Would either one of you be more confident dealing with medical professionals and paperwork and all that to get him admitted? I'd lean more towards Chase just because JJ and Marv are still having a hard time, but of course it's up to y'all. There's practical bits to taking him to a hospital that y'all can consider too.
A
āOh, hell,ā says Chase. āI donāt even know my fake name. Or his.ā
āI gave you your ID, how can you not know that?ā
āI donāt know where it is, haha.ā
āChase!ā
āIāll find itā¦ā
Anonymous asked: You are allowed to go Dapper. You are free, Anti is gone. You can finally have therapy and doctors and medicine. No one tells you what to do anymore. You are 'allowed' to do anything at all, especially if it's helpful and beneficial for your health.
āDo you want to pick, bud?ā asks Blue, putting a hand on his back. āYou can make your own choice now, theyāre right. Itās okay. Itās allowed.ā
Dapper stares at Blue. Stares at Chase. Stares at Blue.
āOkay, this is going nowhere,ā crabs Blue, taking his hand. āChase, bring Dok and come with us on the bus. You guys can go for a walk or something while we check in. Itāll be good for Dok to get out and about. Weāll leave Jackie a note. Come on.ā
āThat works.ā
scunneredzombie asked: You are allowed to get help, buddy. Anti is dead. You're free from your room. You can finally get the help you need, it'll all be okay. I know it must be terrifying, but you can finally have your medicine and have therapy and people to help you through it. Repeat to yourself. Anti is dead. Anti can't control you anymore.
They go for a walk and sit on the bus with what little cash Blue was keeping from Jackie, exhausted together, though Dapper is a buzzing ball of nervous energy beside Blue, staring out the window like he doesnāt understand how theyāre moving or what theyāre moving past. Chase and Dok are behind them, Chaseās eyes fixed on his little brotherās head. Dapper flinches every time someone coughs or shifts or yawns around him. Like everything in the world is waiting to hurt him.
āLook at you, all mussed up,ā sighs Blue, licking his thumb and trying to wipe some of the charcoal off his brotherās face. āAll that curly hair growing out and all these old cuts and bruises. And so skinny. I should have made sure you ate last night. I just hid from you all. No wonder you ended up freaking out on the porch all night. You shouldnāt be alone right now.ā
Dapper clings to the window, leaning forward to trace a dog passing by. Blue tries to smooth down his hair, stroking across the mess of his locks, scratching at his short beard.
āTheyāre right, okay?ā he murmurs, trying to clean him up, though he knows the lot of them must look like disasters. They are disasters right now. āYou control yourself. Just a little sick right now. Anti is gone. Heās gone, Dap. Itās just you and - ā
Dapper whirls on him and grabs his face between his hands, staring at him dead on. Chaseās nervous hand reaches out to grab Dapperās wrist. Blue waits, frozen.
Dapper draws back again, still looking at him.
āYouāre okay,ā says Blue softly, because if he loses it on the bus, theyāre screwed. āYouāre okay.ā
āIs it you?ā asks Dapper.
āIām whoever you need me to be right now, Dapper.ā
Dapper blinks, apparently considering this. After a second he nods and sinks down in his seat, looking back out the window.
Anonymous asked: Sorry, I haven't been here for a bit - do any of you have phones? Can you contact Jackie? I'm a touch concerned that he could come home to an empty house. Is there a camera there for us to talk to him, at least?
āHe did that to me this morning,ā grouses Blue. āAnd he took the only phone. But yes, there are extra cameras at home when he gets back. And maybe heāll actually have found us somewhere to stay⦠now that weāve messed up the porch and eaten most of the food, I donāt think weāre exactly discreet.ā
āIs it you?ā asks Dapper again, looking back at Blue.
āI donāt know,ā answers Blue. āWho do you think I am?ā
Dapper shakes his head, blinking. āIām⦠not sure. I donāt think weāve met.ā
Blue laughs weakly, smoothing out an extra strand of his hair.
āWeird, I was just thinking that too. Maybe we havenāt met.ā
āNo?ā
āWe really donāt know each other at all, huh? When he was still alive, you were just the brother in the basement I was supposed to save. His twin, wrapped around his finger. I think maybe thatās why Iāve been so ticked off. You still remind me of him. Itās all Iāve ever associated you with.ā
āDo you want me to be something else?ā
āNo,ā says Blue quickly, squeezing his hand. āNo, just yourself. Just healthy and yourself.ā
āIs it you?ā
āItās Blue, Dapper.ā
āI donāt know who that is.ā
āI wonāt hurt you.ā
āOkay. Weāre friends?ā
āWeāre siblings. But Iād like to be friends sometime too.ā
āYouāre being funny with me, Anti,ā says Dapper, laying his head on his shoulder. āYou always laugh at me when Iām sick.ā
Blue lets it go, wrapping an arm around his shoulders.
āWeāre almost to help, JJ.ā
scunneredzombie asked: JJ, try to stay calm at the hospital. Strangers will have to touch you to check you out and keep you healthy. Strangers will have to watch over you to make sure you don't hurt yourself/anyone. You'll be perfectly okay and none of them mean you harm. They should be understanding if you lash out, just try your best. I believe in you, all of you!
āReady?ā asks Chase as the hospital comes into view, leaning forward.
āWhere are we?ā Dapper asks.
āHeās talking now. Maybe we can just go back home?ā
āBlue, no,ā chides Chase. āDapper, letās go get you to a doctor, okay?ā
Dapper looks up at Blue in alarm, gripping his hand. āItās okay,ā offers Blue. āDonāt sweat it. People are here to help.ā
āThis is a test,ā signs Dapper uncertainly. āYouāre testing me.ā
āNo.ā Blue switches to signing, hoping to avoid as many odd looks as they can. āDapper, you know that youāre paranoid when youāre off your meds. You know thatās what those thoughts are. No oneās testing you and no oneās trying to hurt you. Some people are going to come help and theyāre probably going to touch you and maybe have needles and that sort of thing, but you need to stay calm.ā
āYouāre going to leave me here, then,ā Dapper says, his breath hitching. āYou - I did something wrong and youāre going to have me locked up. I donāt even remember, you canāt do this to me.ā
āNobodyās leaving you here.ā
Dapperās shaken, eyes flickering around the bus. Blue takes his arm and pulls him carefully to his feet. āIām going to stay right with you,ā he says clearly. āIām going to stay right here.ā
āYou donāt want me to take him?ā asks Chase.
āHe thinks Iām Anti,ā mumbles Blue. āI think thatās the only reason heās not attacking us or running for his life right now.ā
Dapper clings to him in return, shaking. They help him off the bus amid a crowd of people. Dapper cowers against Blueās chest, scrambling for a knife at his side, but thereās nothing there.
āWhy are we out in the open like this?ā his hands snap. āYouāre just being reckless now.ā
āWeāre allowed to be out in the open. No oneās coming for us.ā
āMake them be quiet, Anti, make them be quiet!ā He clutches his ears, knees buckling, and Blue grabs him, keeping him on his feet and hurrying forward with him.
āDapper,ā calls Chase, worried.
āChase, just take Henrik to the park or something. Keep calm.ā
āYou stole me and now youāre putting me back,ā protests Dapper frantically, his feet scraping against the ground as he tries to pull against Blueās grip. āLike you said youād put me in an asylum and Iād never get out.ā
āAnti told you that?ā
āI know I canāt handle it without you, I know, donāt punish me!ā
āDapper - ā
āIāll break everything if youāre not around,ā he sobs, gripping at Blueās shirt between signs. āI donāt have any control of myself, of my magic, when youāre not around. You have to keep me in control.ā
āDapper, you can handle this on your own! He just wanted you to believe you were helpless without him, he just - ā
āYouāre not even real, why are you still hurting me?ā He strikes Blueās chest, crying in earnest, his face swollen in red. āIf I didnāt need you so badly do you know how long ago I would have left?ā
āYeah, well, you didnāt!ā shouts Blue, grabbing Dapperās wrist. āAnd donāt you dare fucking hit me! You could have run from Anti like I did! I let him take me for the sake of the others, but you! Why did you ever let him keep you like that? Huh?ā
āSir! Hey, do you need help?ā
Blue barely hears it. āWhy donāt you tell me that, JJ?ā he screams, shaking him. āWhy didnāt you fight him?ā
āYou liar,ā sobs JJ, pulling away from him, near crumpled in half. āYou promised me. You said you would let the others go. I wasnāt enough for you. I hate that Blue got to kill you. I hate that I was such a coward. You took everything from me. I should have killed you slow and painful. I loved you too though. I donāt know what I was holding on to. Maybe if I had been the one to do it you wouldnāt still be here haunting me. You donāt know how much I hate myself. Coward. I should have been the one to do it.ā
Blue feels a sob in his throat, his eyes burning. He crashes back into Dapper, grabbing his face and shoving their heads together, meeting his gaze, and his little brother looks back with his tortured eyes, and Blue is sorry for everything heās been through and everything theyāve lost together.
āHe sucks, doesnāt he?ā he manages finally.
Jameson sinks against his chest, closing his eyes.
āI hate myself lately too, little brother. Weāll get through it.ā
āIām always going to be dangerous. I canāt control myself without Anti in my head. Weāre twins. We canāt survive without each other.ā
āNah,ā offers Blue, shaking his head. āNo, thatās just more of Antiās stupid brother system. The cameras were right. It all has to fall apart. Weāre going to help you figure out how to stay in control without needing him. Okay?ā
JJ stares up at him. āAre you sure?ā
āSure Iām sure. You must have done it before Anti came to take you. When we were living in the house in the woods. When things were kind. Things will be kind again. We just gotta take some steps.ā
Jameson watches the sidewalk, thinking.
āIt just starts with this, okay?ā says Blue, taking his hand. āWith getting some real help.ā
āIām⦠Iām going to get left here. Stuck again. Stuck.ā
āNo. Weād never leave you behind.ā
āEven if you get mad?ā
āYeah, even if I get mad.ā
āEven if I remind you of Anti?ā
āYeah. Thatās my shit, not yours. Iāll get past it. Cause I love you.ā
Jameson looks up, and for a second, his eyes are clear.
āOh, silly,ā he says, laughing faintly at himself. āSorry, I just realized itās you.ā
āThere you go,ā beams Blue, relieved. āYeah. Yeah, itās me.ā
āMarvin,ā signs JJ fondly, touching his cheek. āYeah, I see you now.ā
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