#i do think that (under false impression) aaron does love john

[icouldhyperfixatehim]

coming back to follow up this post bc i've been watching little snatches of john and aaron (it's the only way i can stick it) and i just saw the scene of aaron having a bad mental health/gordon day on the day of john's hero award yoke. making myself sick with heartbreak again bc, danny the actor you are, you can absolutely see that aaron truly believes john loves him. and for that, aaron does love him back.

aaron's relationship with love has always had really defined halves of loving vs being loved. he wants to be loved. desperately. but he thinks he's an inherent obstacle - do you know how difficult it was to love you? ...i'm your son - i'm not exactly easy to love - he's not offering more. so i'll take what i can get - this little percentage of worry that he never really loved me the way i thought he did. he thinks the love that people have for him has its foot in the door for the day he's not enough, too broken, too messed up, too not worth the hassle.

people don't stay with me.

so when john forgoes his award, says he'd rather be there for aaron while he struggles through a bout of recurring trauma, that it's where he wants most to be - of course aaron believes john loves him. and if someone loves him that much, how can aaron not love him back? it's what he's been looking for isn't it? that love. that love that's worth hanging on to and fighting for, that he thought he'd never have again, not really.

and you loved me, you loved me like nobody ever has before

aaron doesn't feel about john the way he feels about robert. but when john loves him like this, when that's such a hard thing to do, aaron does love him back for it. does owe it to him, doesn't he? it amounts to the same thing, even if it doesn't feel the same way.

but we know john doesn't love aaron like that. from john's perspective, that scene doesn't show love, it shows addiction to aaron's victimhood. shows love as a selfish martyrdom.

which is why you'll find me wretching and sobbing and wailing. because as @sunsetsover pointed out in my notes, the love aaron's looking for, the real deal, is utterly egoless. and it never had its foot out the door - it just had no way of a stopping itself being pushed through it. either way, aaron had to accept that the door itself was closed.

but there's a knock. and aaron's frozen in the foyer right now, but he'll answer it eventually.

you're the strongest person i know