#i hate being so sick nothing i do mattwrs
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having a bad time
#can’t stop thinking about how bad i feel#both emotionally and physically#and then when i try to stop thinking about it and just feel it#it becomes completely unbearable#keep thinking about how i’ve ended up so alone/lonely again#and how much i cannot comprehend or accept or tolerate that#and then i’m just like well all this pain is too much for me to bear#so i wish i just didn’t exist instead#i will probably never get out of feeling this way#and like i knowwww i will eventually and feelings pass and pain passes or at least changes#but i will end up back in the same feeling or at least a similar one#that is inevitable#and i feel like i’ve not only reached my limit with myself#but like the world has reached its limit with me#i feel like there is nothing left for me unless i create it myself#maybe that’s just reality#but i feel like no one else cares about what i create#and maybe i’m wrong but i’m too scared to share it or even TRY to do it#because i can’t handle more of the same#humans NEED each other right?#but i have just been left behind too many times#and i can’t go through this again and again#i’m too tired#sometimes i really wish my health scare last summer just killed me for good#sorry for all of this lol#i hate being so traumatized that i can’t fucking function at a baseline#i hate being so sick nothing i do mattwrs#even resting is impossible#i rest in hope that i might not get worse and that’s the only illusion of control i have#the idea of getting better feels like a pipe dream at this point
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i think probably the owrst but most tempting idea on self improvememt ive had tonight is cutting everhtime someone misgenders me, becuz surely that will motivate me to do more things to pass better and overcome very shitty piece of genetics ive been given that everyone else gets to just skip over having to fight or easily defeat it becuz they just take testosterone and within the first few months have everything ill never fucking have so im always left with the hardest fights with no way out so im better off just fucking killing myself than even bothering to try becuz i havent had a single god damn thing easy for once in my life i have a shitty fucking button nose and a shitty fucking round and shirt face, and shitty fucking wide hips and shitty fucking small waist and shitting fucking tiny shoulders and a shitty fucking body that refuses to grow facial hair despite being a year on T and refuaes to gain even thebslightest bit of muscle mass deapite working out, and just decided that every aspect of it needs to look as feminine as possible so that i cinstanrly want to fuxking kill myself no mattwr how much neutrality or acceptance or effoet i put into coping with my reality becuz just deciding to be okay with my body as is means living my life knwoing that ill never look the way that will have people treat me the way i want to be treated so im cinstantly being fucking stabbed in the fucking brain by the way thinga are so why should i fucking bother continuing to live i fucking hate the cards ive been given and im sick of people just telling me to wait and that things will change and things take a while sometimes to happen and that i domt look that bad like YES YSS I DO LOOK TJAT BAD I SOUND THAT BAD NOTHING ABOUT MY BODY IS GOOD NOTHING ABOUT MT BKDY SERVES ME WELL, ITS A FAILING XRUMBLING PIECE OF TRASH THAT WILL NEVWR LOOK THE WAY IT AHOULD AND EVERYONE WHO TELLS ME THAT IT GETS BETTWR ALREADY LOOK WAY BETTER THAN ME AND BETTWR THAN I EVER WILL AND ALREADY STARTED WAY FURTHER AHEAD THAN I COULD EVER DREAM OF BEING ITS NOT FUCKING FAIR WHEN IS IT MY TURN IM ALWAYS JUST WAITING IF IM NOT WORKING TO MOVING EVEN A SINGLE STEP FORWARD THAT NEVER FUCKING COMES WHEN IS IT MY TURN WHY AM I ALAAYS STUCK JUST WAITING I HAVE TO WAIT FOR EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND THEY NEVER COME THE INLY THING THAT COMES IS THE PASSAGE OF TIME WHERE WVERYOEN GETS TO MOVE FORWARD IN LIFE BUT ME THE INLY THING THAT COMES IS FUETHER PEOOF THAT I WILL NEVWR CHANGE FUCK
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