#i have a test tomorrow and i cant stop thinking of them ^^

[goat-shoe]

Maybe Tomorrow

FlutterBee: Civilian x On Patrol. 610 words. 🌠 𝓓𝓮𝓭𝓲𝓬𝓪𝓽𝓮𝓭 𝓽𝓸 𝓢𝓽𝓮𝓵𝓵𝓪 🌠

The sun is setting, turning pinks and yellows in the blocky slivers of horizon visible through the towering buildings that make up her slice of the city. There's a cool breeze blowing past her cheek, dragging dried, crunchy leaves across the pavement. Cars pass by, easy, without the rush of daytime. She can hear a distant echo of street musicians, and they aren't bad. Maybe it's just the day she had, but- for a moment- she considers tracking them down and staying a while to listen.

She really should go home, though, and she will. Two cats await in her apartment, and the poor things must be starving.

A flier flutters against the phone poll it's been stapled to.

THE OFFICIAL HONEYBEE HOTLINE, OPEN 8PM TO 12AM WEEKDAYS.

The fluttering edge of the paper catches her eye, and then the bumblebees that border the page. It makes her smile, even before she really knows what she's looking at. 

Stopping, Florence takes the flier in her hand, and skims it.

Is this... real?

She giggles at the idea. That Honeybee runs a hotline- that Honeybee runs around to put up fliers advertising her hotline!

Florence tears off one of the little paper tab thingies with the phone number on it, from the bottom of the page. Her nails are dull, digging against the paper, tearing it unevenly. She sticks it in her pocket.

– – –

With the cats fed, Florence curls up on the couch. She's changed into her pajamas for the night, pulled her hair into a messy bun, and she puts on Gilmore Girls, for peaceful and kind background noise. 

There, in her soft sweatpants, with her long, fluffy blue hair, Florence looks down at the number she pulled off the flier earlier.

.... She smiles, giddy. Because if she really needed Honeybee, she could use the miraculous communicators. But... no, that's not what she wants right now.

She glances at the clock on the wall. 8:04 PM. Honeybee should just be starting to take calls, right? Florence tugs out her phone- an Android user- and dials the number.

Her heart flutters in her chest. She lifts it to her ear. Her neck warms with the blood rushing to her cheeks, butterflies filling her stomach. She waits.

"You've reached the Honeybee hotline! Please hold!"

Florence giggles, just to herself, alone in her living room. "Anything for you, Honeybee," she teases nobody.

"...Oh! Well, in that case-" 

Florence's eyes widen, and she just barely fights the urge to chuck her phone across the room. 

"What can I do for you tonight, civilian?" 

Honeybee's voice... is like sunshine passing through honey. Smooth, sweet, but bright, beautiful. Not to mention playful. The teasing lull in her voice makes Florence's heart tumble around her chest, making her face flush darker. 

Florence opens her mouth- simultaneously, her hand flies to cover her mouth.

"... Civilian? Civilian, is this an emergency? You-" 

"No! No," Florence blurts, hand falling to grip at the couch. Her heart is doing funny things in her chest- completely new things in her chest. "I- I'm just a f-f- a fan!"

Honeybee laughs. 

And Florence can't even pretend she's bothered that Honeybee's laughing at her. Because Honeybee's laughing at her. She covers her mouth with her hand again, hiding a delirious smile. Oh, to be made a complete fool for Honeybee. 

Florence opens her mouth again, but- but no words come out. She stumbles, stutters- and then in a sudden sapphic panic, she hangs up.

Her phone is lost to the couch cushions, and her face meets the warm embrace of a pillow. 

Maybe tomorrow night she will think of what to say, first.

[theannoyingmosquitoinyourroom]

cant wait to get back my adhd diagnosis getting professional help and possibly hopefully meds surely will help me break out of this self-sabotage. surely.

[todayitwillrainblood]

A MALE/GN!READER ACC!! AND YOU POST FOR WHC!!! GRAAAAH /silly

Hi, hello, good day! First of all i loved your posts, omg, thank you for the meal 🫶🏻 your sieun is such a cutie i love ‘em ☹️

And since is saw your requests are open, i wanted to maybe request something too!

i was thinking abt reader who’s really into music and loves to share their playlists w sieun to listen to them together everytime they can (a little against his will /lh) That to the point of one day reader catching sieun humming to one of these songs (one of their favorites perhaps? Who knows!); love his voice ueueue

Is this too long? I hope it wasn’t ougfy but thank you for reading it, and an even extra bigger thank you if you do take my request :]! Hearts hearts

a/n: “your sieun” 😭 my heart cant take this much love (///^///) i love the request, it’s adorable!! and it's not long at all!! i’ve read your ask at least five times before i started to write this fic, thank you soo much!! you made my day and night!

this lowkey became much longer and heartfelt than i intended it to, but i loved writing it and hope you love reading it! if it's too much feels, don't hesitate to send an ask, and i'd love to write another! i adore sieun, and you would be doing me a favour by sending in an ask. :3

★ candy-cane love; my sun,

☆ masterlist!

⟲ synopsis,

despite sieun's rock solid walls, [name] seems to have started to rub off on him!

★ “you give me butterflies, you know?”

— SIEUN HAS BEEN having trouble sleeping; [name] seems to have noticed. sieun didn't say anything truly, not that he would now often wake up with horror stories to tell and the blunt taste of exhaustion.

[name], however, did not need to be told.

it had started then, the summer before high school, [name] caught on and sought the first solution he trusted, seeing as it had worked for him—

a playlist.

the very first one he ever sent to sieun was a pure mess. it was testing the waters, trying to determine what sieun enjoyed; the latter had refused to be any help, by the way...

it ranged from pop, r&b, jazz, rap and even music that was practically softcore porn.

sieun was defeated, exhausted, but for [name]'s sake and his efforts, he sat through the two hours of the playlist. sometime between it, [name] had found him drifting deep into sleep on his apartment porch while waiting for [name] and listening to the songs he sent.

that was a very successful accomplishment, so he continued.

while sending him stray songs during the last month of vacation they both had left, [name] was making a couple more long playlists.

he felt prone to take care of sieun, look after him. truth to be told, [name] often found sieun's docile face to resemble a porcelain doll, and taking care of something as fragile as that came with that odd feeling.

"did you wait long?" sieun asked, walking up and begrudgingly into the embrace [name] offered outside their school gates.

[name]'s cheek squished against sieun's head as he rested his face on it, content to finally hold sieun, "no, i thought i was late, though. i was worried you'll be waiting."

sieun had extra duties lately, as his homeroom teacher barely trusted another student to carry them out. "how was your trip?"

"it was fine," silence, "i brought you souvenirs, let's go to my house?"

[name] lived alone with his sister, who spent all morning and afternoon in classes and all evening in internships; ergo, he was more or less always alone, except for dinner on occasions.

sieun hummed softly, burying his face as far as it would go into [name]'s chest. the warmth was welcoming, he almost found himself agreeing...but stopped.

"can't," he peeked up at [name], "i have class."

[name] pouted, upset in the way he was when he doesn't get to be with sieun every breathing moment—meaning, all the damn time.

he stared at sieun, debating his options, would he rather get yelled at by sieun now and get to spent the next couple hours with him. or part ways now and not get to see him until tomorrow (he was jetlacked so his option of sneaking in the middle of the night to see his boyfriend was off the table, unfortunately)?

you can guess which he chose.

he locked his arms under sieun's knees, picking him up and throwing him over his shoulders like a sack of potatoes.

sieun groaned, thrashing as much as he could with the grip [name] had on him, "let me go...! ugh!"

was he successful? well, he had a pen, but loved [name] too much to use it, so no, he was, in fact, not successful.

[name] grinned happily as he presented a box of mixtapes to sieun, "for you!"

they were very last century, but god, were they romantic.

"i spent hours picking half of these, and more hours making the other half," he admitted. half of the mixtapes in the box were old and of people who lived before them. a couple of them ([name]'s favourites) belonged to couples, they were adorned with department store tapes that were completely drawn over with hearts and other adornments.

"i couldn't find a walkman for these, but i replicated all of them digitally, so i'll send them to you soon!"

sieun was...speechless. he had gone through very unfortunate times just a year ago, and he was broken from that trance by a case of airpods and a boy with a smile of a thousand suns. he could hardly believe, sitting right now in front of [name], talking to him like they were married for decades, holding a worn box of mixtapes that might no longer have an outlet, but spoke to him like they were made for the both of them.

[name] was made for sieun. i mean, he had to be right? what other force could bring someone like [name] to sieun's dark life if not fate itself?

the other half. sieun was just left registering that he wasn't the only half.

he didn't mean for it, but his smile turned upside down the way it does when he's overwhelmed, and his eyes reddened, unshed tears filling them up.

[name] panicked, immediately coming to sieun's side and pulling into a hug where he could softly sob without being heard.

he didn't ask what was wrong; sieun would tell him when he thought best. he just stuck to rubbing warm circles on sieun's back, muttering so just he could hear, "shh, it's okay...i'm here, i'll protect you..."

sieun hated to be looked at while he cried, so [name] placed a kiss on every surface he could without lifting his face, every surface he could reach. he brushed back sieun's hair over and over, trying to envelope sieun in his warmth.

they ended up lying down, and sieun had fallen asleep after completely draining himself.

"don't cry anymore, i hate it when you cry..." [name] kissed the tear streaks on sieun's face, salt filling his mouth and his stomach disappearing in an endless pit of worries.

sieun had not yet told [name] why he had cried like that, truthfully, he wasn't sure how to put it, but he knew that—"i owe you my life and i'm not sure how to pay you back."—did not cut it.

so he secretly began learning all of [name]'s favorite songs. that was a language sieun knew would reach [name]. sieun was not the best singer; that was a painful fact. [name] always joked that his pretty face made up for it. and that was coming from a man who once sat through three hours of sieun singing; he was just too prideful to admit how cute he found it, and also because he believed sieun would stop if he did.

ding!

[name] had sent him another playlist. complete transparency, sieun had found [name]'s habits very annoying at the beginning, even though they had helped him sleep. at one point he was very close to strangling [name] because of the pure frustration he felt, that had amused [name] so much that that day he sent sieun another seven playlists just hoping to see his at-that-time-crush make that face again. (he was not successful, though...)

he downloaded it as soon as he got it, knowing [name] would whine later if he hadn't.

"idiot," he mumbled, a deep flush on his ears and neck as he gazed lovingly on the screen.

he continued the math problems he was solving, the soft scratching sounds echoing in the silence of his room, until his phone rang.

he had a special ringtone set for [name], a song he had loved from the very first playlist he had gotten, so he clearly didn't have to check and blindly picked up the phone.

"hello?"

—"are you free? i was gonna order takeout, but i can take you out to eat."

sieun sighed, "you eat out too much." he clasped shut the pen and began packing up, sticking the phone between his shoulder and ear as he talked into it, "i'll make you something, come over."

he could practically hear [name] immediately brightening up.

— "yeah! i'll bring us drinks and that ice cream we had last time. you liked it, didn't you?"

sieun tried biting back a smile, even though it was probably visible in his voice, "...yeah. do that, you'll be okay with miso soup? i have a few leftovers, too." he spoke softly, leaning against his desk as he continued to talk, completely relaxed.

— "okay! i'll be over soon, love you!"

— beep!

and the line cut.

how odd, having love like this and still believing it to be a dream.

as much as [name] liked sieun grumpy, he didn't do anything to annoy him while he was cooking. well, for obvious reasons, sieun had a lot of weapons at his disposal: fire, scorching utensils, flammable gas, and easily breakable glass.

[name] was a man swooned, but he was afraid when it was due. (plus, watching sieun cook for him like his little wife positively melted him.)

and thats when it happened, sieun believing [name] was on the couch watching that corny show, when truly it was just background noise at this point. [name] had abandoned it long ago and was just a counter away, watching sieun cook food for him.

[name] made him so comfortable that he had let down all his guards...and started humming????

it was a song [name] knew all too well, it was one he had on various occasions pointed out that he liked—loved.

he had sung it when confessing his love to sieun, guitar in hand, a microphone; the whole she-bang.

he also sang it, purposely terrible, when taking showers with sieun around.

his eyes widened, and he bit back a squeal. last thing he wanted was for sieun to realise he was so close by and stop again.

who cares if sieun can't sing well, who cares that he is so off tune that he once made [name] cry from laughter (that was a bad move by the way, sieun stayed angry and pouting for a week, sure it was cute, super, but he was so lonely without the hugs and kisses and cuddles, he swore never to do it again.), who would care when he looks like that. blushing like that, whimpering like that, and groaning like that (in privacy, however, [name] doesn't share.) [name] does not care.

he tiptoed back to his spot. the food was almost ready after all.

throughout the night, [name] fed mouthfuls of rice and miso soup to sieun, enjoying his puffy cheeks and soft, weak protests.

he grabbed sieun, pulling him so his back was to [name], and held him down to stop his thrashing, "i swear i'll tickle you!" a baseless threat.

"no!" sieun yelped out, immediately shutting his eyes and ready to accept all the nourishment his amazing boyfriend was giving him.

"sheesh, i swear you're so frail you'll just fall over one day, and who'll pick you up, huh? me! eat more!"

he stuffed another mouthful into sieun's mouth, and until the bowl was empty.

"phew, who needs cardio when i have a boyfriend like you?" [name] jabbed playfully, slumping against the soft cushions, sieun still on his lap and glaring back at him over his shoulder.

"and who needs enemies when i have you with those e—hey!"

sieun lunged at him with a throw-pillow, "i'll kill you!"

[name]'s laughter echoed throughout the otherwise empty apartment, dying when he noticed that their bodies had twisted and turned until sieun was on top of [name] (who was lying down), pillow still in hand.

sieun fumbled, his grasp weakening, and he moved to pull away, knowing he would that [name] grabbed onto his wrist and waist, pulling even closer.

"what's on your mind, baby?" he questioned, his voice butter. of course, he noticed, how could he not?

sieun looked away, letting the silence hang there for moments before he found the courage to speak, "i...never thanked you..."

[name] let out a noise, somewhere between confusion and puzzlement, "why would you ever do that?"

sieun, against his best wishes, pouted, "for helping me sleep."

quite short, but he really can't thank the man for saving his life, now c'mon.

[name] chuckled, "back then, your way of saying thank you was almost choking me?"

sieun actually gasped, "i told you to forget about that!"

believe me, the voices and faces [name] brings forth from him are beyond comprehension for sieun.

he hit against [name]'s chest, "i'm thanking you, because i owe you... everything," he admitted, voice barely there, despite the determination in his eyes.

[name] grabbed onto sieun's face, bringing him closer so their noses were touching, "you did thank me. you're dating me, loving me, and humming my favourite songs while cooking food for me. what more could i ask for? i have happiness in the form of my human right here."

sieun coloured so deep, he thought he would pass out, he buried his face in [name] chest, fisting his shirt and mumbling 'idiot' over and over.

sieun had the sun to himself, and he was being praised for being the moon; how amusing.

[rachhaven]

Hii! How are you?? I come from Elle's post (where you told them about the requests) and want to give my two cents.

How about poly!marauders (or any of them alone really, I love them all) with reader who is being too hard on her/their self (whatever pronouns you want to use). Like reader doesn't get bad grades, they are rather good but she/they is too much of a perfectionist. It can be comfort to fluff.

Change anything you like or don't write at all if you don't feel comfortable! Hope you have a wonderful day <3

here you go lovely, its my first proper go at this so I hope you enjoy

437 words :)

“Dove?” Remus’ voice breaks through your concentration, drawing your head up from “the battles of the elves: a history”, your latest homework from the dreary professor binns. The three of them are stood there, hovering in the doorframe of their dorm, the dorm you took over to perfect your understanding for the test tomorrow. 

“hi?”, its tentative, shy, your throat hoarse and dry from how long you’ve been working on this, and it suddenly hits that its dark outside, it was the bright sunshine of 2pm when you started, so what time is it now? You were meant to go for a walk with the boys before dinner. “did I miss our walk?”

“you missed dinner lovey” Sirius gently scolds, worried about how much effort you’re putting into this, sliding towards you and dropping down into the pile of notes you’ve created on James’ bed, disrupting your focus completely. 

“you’re gonna smash this test y’know, darling, you’ve already passed the class, you don’t need to worry about this one” James reminds you, but it does nothing to stop the pull you have to see higher than at 85% on that test paper when you get it back next week. 

“But- I mean, it still means something, doesn’t it? I don’t want him to think little of me for the rest of his life”, you practically ramble, both James and Remus now coming to join you and Sirius on James’ bed. Its crowded, but it always is, and the close contact actually slows your racing heart. Remus is hiding something behind his back, you cant see what it is, but you can smell it, and its exciting. “I’m sorry, do you have mac and cheese?” 

“couldn’t let our girl go hungry, could we?” Sirius grins as Remus passes you the bowl, its your favourite dinner, still warm and with a fork, they really are the best. You quickly take it and start to eat, James piping up now. “honey, you need a break, tomorrow will be fine, I swear. Why don’t we head down to the common room once you’ve eaten? We can tidy up later and just watch a movie for now” 

The idea softens your soul, curling your legs up as you eat your food, blinking away the stress of the mess around you, and looking between your three boys, the ones who love you more than anything else in the world. Eventually, you nod, “yeah, that sounds nice”, and sooner than later, you’re all curled up on the sofa, eyes drooping as you curl more into Remus, sleep welcoming you while you’re safe and sound. 

[shradsmanifestt]

hi, im sorry for bothering u right now. ive been asking around for advice everywhere because i really need all the help i could use right now. my anxiety is flaring up like crazy because my results come out tomorrow and im so scared because if i mess this up then my future is ruined. my mental health has been horrible and that has severely affected my grades but in most asian countries they dgaf about that and basically think it's nonexistant for minors so ofc i'm still undiagnosed, and if i were to apply to a uni i wouldnt get any good chances anywhere. if i could just get 3 Bs in my AS levels it would be okay or else i'd have to retake it and it's super costly here.. i don't wanna put my family through that because they'll talk me down, degrade me, destroy my self esteem which i've managed to build back a little. they were like this since when i was the topper and thats what made me burnout. undiagnosed adhd, trauma, depression also contributed to it

im applying the law, but instead of the feeling of success that everyone else gets i feel panicked. the 'feeling' people usually get when they're in the wish fulfilled state, the feeling of accepting it and it being real—im not getting that. i dont see a clear picture when i visualize. every time i try to, i end up breaking down and feeling like a failure... but I'm still trying to go on because why is it that the people who hurt me and practically ruined my life get to live successfully, while i suffer? thats not fair... i promised myself that if i could just get 3 Bs, ill turn my life around and work really hard... but is it over for me? i want to win, im trying to, but im scared

im trying my best to visualize myself getting 3 Bs, reenacting my friends faces when i get the results, praying to God and thanking Him for blessing me and continuing to bless me, but there is this fear still lingering at the back of my mind... i feel like I'm not doing it right. i have like one day left and I'm so nervous. im going over posts, tweets, and every time I feel a little better, it all comes crashing down because of doubts. theres only one thing one my mind right now: 'how am I gonna turn it around in one day?' i know that the 3D does not matter and that everything is done in imagination, but here i feel like its not done in imagination either

right now nothings clicking in my head, whatever i read is getting scrambled in my mind, i feel so lost and empty. could u please tell me what to do in this specific situation? u can be as harsh as you want if that's what's needed to get the point across. im really sorry for the bother and id be really grateful if u could please help out, ive never been this desperate before... my life cant be over before it even started

Hey love,

I get you, I really do but trust me when I say this.

THIS SHIT IS REAL AF. Manifestation is real af. It's as real as the fact that you are a human being. All you have to do is trust yourself that it is already done. If good results is what you want then that is exactly what you'll get. You need to choose to stop having doubts because it is already done. That is the simplest answer I can give you. Persist on what you want.

I am glad to tell you this but I just got test results for a major exam held in my uni today and I got into the 95th percentile just by saying to myself that my super power is aptitude tests and that I already scored great. In my friends group only 3 of us were eligible and I have 70+ more marks then them as well. If I can do it, you can do it. You need to stop doubting yourself. Atleast stop doubting manifestation. Cause at this point you're only gonna manifest your doubts.

I'll give you a scenario - If you're worried about getting bad grades, Trust me when I say this you're gonna manifest exactly that coz you will manifest exactly what you assume. You can choose to stop that right here, RN. Choose to accept that you got great marks. I mean don't even like aim for B's go for A's. I don't care even if you left the paper blank coz if you assume you're the topper, that is exactly what's gonna happen.

If you do get bad marks and I'm gonna be harsh here - You're the only reason why! You're gonna manifest exactly what you assume to be true even if it's good or bad. Your sc mind don't differentiate btw what's good for you or what's bad for you. It only knows what you feed it.

You got this, TRUST ME

Love, Shrads.

[xxxg0ryygurlll13xxx]

political hopelessness

the current state of american politics is terrifying, we all know this. right now i am once again crying over it. i posted on my instagram story awhile ago a post about president trump taking over the kennedy center, americas art institution, to censor it and ban "woke" plays and musicals basically scrap the arts and my bubbe my jewish grandmother whos family escaped eastern europe during WWII swiped up and responded

"this is what the nazis did."

that was about a week or 2 ago but i havent stopped thinking about it. i never responded. i mean what do i say to that? i know thats what the nazis did, i know that trump and elon are basically hitler and himmler re incarnated but what can i do? nothing. nothing thats what. im a 17 year old girl with nothing to stand on. the people chose trump knowing what hed do. this isnt surprising to anyone. a bill recently passed in the house that would make almost all married woman unable to vote (it said u cant vote unless ur name matches ur birth certificate).

no one seems to care though. people have stopped talking about these things. 3 more republicans did hitler salutes and all my global issues teacher had to say about that was that soon we'll be heiling the american flag every morning. my family didnt flee europe for this. they didnt pack up everything including their little daughter and come to america the land of the free for this. for nazis to come back into power.

im scared above all else. ive seen this before, ive read Maus, ive red Night, ive seen Schindlers List, ive been told the stories of how it started by my bubbe and zeyde and aunties and uncles. those stories all end with "never forget, never again" i dont want this. we cant have this again, to anyone. no one should be taken away, "go missing".

its all happening so fast yet so slow at the same time. massive layoffs, replacing workers with yes-men, pushing propaganda, outright saluting, making people pledge their allegience to one man who calls himself King, and sleeps with mein kampf next to his bed. weve seen this before. it wont be long until were all done for.

and yet i have an english essay due tomorrow morning, prom shoes to buy, driving lessons this weekend, a chem test tomorrow, life goes on. my world seems to be ending or at least crashing and i still have things to do. i worry about my bubbe and zeyde being hate crimed in florida cause i know no one would help them.

weve become the very thing we fought against 80 years ago, Nazis. i long for a time when the socially acceptable answer to "what would u do if u had a time machine?" would be to kill baby hitler. nothing is ok. it just keeps getting worse. someday in the next 3 years and 11 months i will have my i told u so moment, when no one is allowed to read anything not government approved, we have another great depression, and the arts are dead. i know exactly how we got here and i have a feeling i know how it will end, i dont want it to go that way but theres nothing i can do.

i will never forget when i woke up the day after election day to the news alerts that he won. frantically trying to find a source saying he lost, to no avail. going into my mothers room to say goodbye like i do every morning before leaving for school and as soon as i saw her i started to cry like a baby. she hugged me as i cried cause i was scared she told me "i wont let anything happen to us, well be ok" but i saw that look in her eyes. she had a sad uncertain look, a scared look in her eyes one that told me she was scared too. scared and sad. i walked into school and saw girls with their heads down on the tables weeping. everyone was sad, there was such a gloomy air to everything.

it rained that day. it was the 7th day of rain in a row. one full week of rain and flash flood warnings. it was so rainy and cold. my chem teacher talked about female scientists the whole class, my very cynical global issues teacher told us to get our popcorn ready cause it was gonna be a hell of a ride, i called my best friend when i got home he seemed sad too, but not the same kind of sad. sad yes but not mourning. we talked, talked about the future how uncertain it was and still is.

i know how he got elected but i still have such a lingering unknowing. i was so confident she would win "how could people not elect her??? she stands for all things good!! She has morals, kindness, she cares about people!" i got so blinded by my confidence i forgot the american people would never elect a woman. i hope in my lifetime we get a woman president but i think ill be long dead by the time that happens.

if it ever does.

[mochiwrites]

“The plan has changed. I’ve hired someone to do what you couldn’t do the first time.”

NONONONONONONONONO GRIAN PLEASE GRIAN NO GRIAN PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE GRIAN NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONNONONONONONO

THAT TEASER YOU POSTED SOME TIME AGO MAKES THIS SO MUCH WORSE NONONONONONONONONONONONO

He knows what he has to do, what he’s meant to do. It’s the role he’s been cast to play. 

Secret life parallels oh lordy lord. i am SO UNWELL. no. NOOOOOOO. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH i legitimately dont have any words. the only way i can properly express how im feeling right now is just AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

He’s not naive and hopeful like Grian is, or as kind as Mumbo can be. He’s selfish and cruel, and his loyalty is fickle. 

this is legitimately one of my favorite parts of scar's character actually. i don't have the brain power to properly analyze this, but something about how honest he is about this is so. augh. this trait is what's ultimately going to be his demise (at least, he thinks so). he'll lose grian and mumbo (possibly through death) because he chooses tubbo over mumbo and grian. he knows and he's not proud of it but it's vital to his survival anyways so he does nothing to fight it.

i dont think i make sense at all and theres a great possibility ive mischaracterized him entirely (it wouldnt be the first time, sadly) but i love it regardless. i love how flawed he is. how flawed they all are. i love how tragic their stories are. grian with his unwavering hope and optimism that gets constantly tested (and possibly crushed at some point) and scar with his insistence to not get close that eventually stabs him in the back and mumbo with his guarded but oh so big heart that he's tentatively given out only to get hurt in some way. please correct me if any of this is wrong, btw, id rather be corrected than live in ignorance of the truth

No amount of rope can pull him out. It’ll snap apart under the weight of his actions, so why try? There’s no real point in it. 

this is why you need a grian, scar. sigh.

He needs to stop being Scar and start being the Grim Reaper. He sucks in a breath, throwing Scar away.

oh this is fantastic because scar cares so deeply for them and would do just about anything to protect them, because as much as he tries not to, scar cares and loves. but that's exactly the problem because he cares for and loves tubbo so much he'd do just about anything to protect him, including sacrificing grian and mumbo. but scar couldn't possibly do that when he cares for them so much. so he weaponizes the grim reaper, who doesn't care for anyone or anything besides getting the job done.

im genuinely just rambling here there's zero coherence to be found in any of this

“We figured we should take advantage of the peace while we can,"

wow youre really just pulling out all the stops to make this hurt as much as possible arent you

But even then… surely it wouldn’t take this long to heal. 

this is SOOOOO CONCERNING are you KIDDING ME???? MUMBO PLEASEEEEEEEEE YOU CANT DO THIS TO ME MAN😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

“Maybe we can come back tomorrow earlier.” 

i have you say you are incredible at setting the mood. having an idea of what's about to happen as a third party, watching it all unfold. grian and mumbo being right there and nearly getting to the truth, but not quite getting it because they trust scar. BECAUSE THEY TRUST SCAR!! grum and jrum being there adding to the innocence of it all and amplifying how unsettling scar's actions are. "maybe we can come back tomorrow" when there's not going to BE a tomorrow for them (assuming scar succeeds). it's so tense. it's so anxiety-inducing. it's such an intense sense of foreboding and it has my heart rate genuinely going up. infinite props to you.

He aims for Mumbo’s shoulder.

might be overthinking this but i hate that this implies the possibility that scar informed this assassin with ways to make the killing easier

He grits his teeth as he pulls another glyph from his pocket. He slams it between his hands, vines wrapping up around his arms.

GRIAN'S GLYPHS LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOO!! IT'S EVEN COOLER THAN ID IMAGINED HEHE

“Did you get hit at all?” He does a quick scan of the changeling for any injuries.

you're really making this hurt

“Dad!” the two boys cry, the word not registering to any of them in the moment. 

AAAAAAAAAA YOURE GONNA MAKE ME CRY STOP IT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Blood splatters on the ground in thick drops, spilling in the grooves of the cobble path. 

i havent read ahead and i swear to god if this is grian sacrificing himself for mumbo and he turns around and sees grian's body on the pavement and screams "GRIAN!" and that's what the teaser was and that's how it ends my brain is going to be filled with unspeakable screaming until it gets confirmation that he's okay.

“GRIAN!”

I WASNT SUPPOSED TO BE RIGHT. I WASNT SUPPOSED TO HAVE GUESSED CORRECTLY. I WASNT. THAT WASNT. IM. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

IM. I HAVE NO WORDS. I HAVEN'T A SINGLE COHERENT SENTENCE. I AM JUST. WOW. IM. WHAT. NO. NO?????? NO. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HFGJFHKFHGJFK WELL. HI LMAO

reading through all of this with a big grin because excitement and Also knowing what happens next >:3c I'd apologize about the teaser thing but I am Not sorry WHEEZE

but in regards to the scar stuff, you're 100% right, yeah, along with grian and mumbo. they're all flawed characters just trying to do the right thing with the cards they've been dealt. their best qualities are Easily their greatest weaknesses. and none of them realize it but y'know. that's what being human is all about! :D

aND THE GRIM REAPER YEAHHHH. I talk about it all the time but I genuinely love scar being the grim reaper. weaponizing it in this chapter. he's such an interesting character to both study and write

but !!!! very glad to see that the first bomb of three has landed appropriately! :D

[ridiasfangirlings]

munashiro scenario where Adolf hears about the rumors that Munakata "has his personality in his glasses", so he decides to check if the rumor is real for Scientific Purposes™, and one night when they are supposed to sleep(Munakata keeps saying that he has some paperwork to finish and Adolf heard that a hundred times to know that he's not going to sleep but he's still trying to make Munakata go to bed), Adolf decides to pick up Munakata's glasses to put on himself and to tease Munakata, Munakata tries to stop him but its too late and Adolf is already with his glasses on his face, after that they go to sleep(because Munakata obviously cant see correctly without his glasses and Adolf just decided to sleep with his glasses for some reason, probably to not let him pick it), the next day Adolf starts to act like Munakata and that causes so much trouble to him and Munakata has to stop it.

(this is basically that one cd drama with the Silvers called 'Megane of Blue', but with Munashiro instead)

But now the glasses will take over Shiro’s body D: Imagine Shiro was stopping by S4 to pick Munakata up and heard some subordinates gossiping, talking about how Captain is so mysterious and I’ve heard his personality is in his glasses. Shiro thinks that’s funny, like how silly I’m sure that’s not the case. That evening they’re both getting ready to sleep and Shiro thinks about the gossip again, smiling mischievously as he plucks the glasses off Munakata’s face. Munakata requests his glasses back and Shiro reminds him that it’s time to go to bed and stop working. For extra measure he puts the glasses on his own face and adds ‘I believe rest is important in order to be freshly prepared for tomorrow’s work,’ in his best Munakata impression. Munakata is rather amused and closes his computer, leaning back to sleep since it doesn’t seem like Shiro will be giving his glasses back any time soon. Shiro ends up going to bed with Munakata’s glasses still on, initially he was just going to rest his eyes until Munakata was asleep and couldn’t steal them back but he’s tired enough that he just falls right asleep. 

The next day Kukuri hurries to find Kuroh because it seems there’s an emergency: German-sensei is making students cry. Kuroh says that isn’t like Shiro and goes to investigate, Neko meets him by Shiro’s classroom all upset because something’s wrong, Shiro is acting scary. Kuroh goes in to check and there’s Shiro with a pair of shiny glasses on his face, accompanied by someone with messy hair dressed in disheveled clothing. Kuroh asks Shiro what is going on and Shiro adjusts his glasses, smiling proudly as he says he was simply attempting to test his students’ mastery of their skills. He didn’t find the test to be difficult at all but perhaps he overdid it. Kuroh is all insistent like there’s something wrong, we need to solve this before you become a most hated teacher. Shiro doesn’t see how that is possible, it’s via such tests that he is bonding with his students.

That’s when the disheveled man speaks up and suggests that maybe a break would be good right now. Shiro says that isn’t there work to do, he would hate to be caught wanting when there is more yet to be completed. The other man laughs and says it’s fine, we’ll just take a little break and have a snack, he could use a bite. He adds ‘you’ll do it for me, won’t ya?’ and Shiro sighs fondly as he says very well. The man adds oh, perhaps y’can give my glasses back and Shiro’s all oh, my apologies, I forgot. He hands the glasses back and it’s only now that Kuroh realizes the other man is the Blue King, it’s like this aura suddenly settles over him once the glasses are on. Shiro laughs sheepishly and says he doesn’t know what came over him, Munakata pushes up his glasses and assures Shiro that it’s fine, let us be off on our coffee date. They head off together, leaving Kuroh staring after them in complete bewilderment, he doesn’t trust those glasses now.

[bipolar-hello-me]

I swear-

yall i cannot possibly be making this shit up like bro why is my life such a mess and chaotic when i literally dont look for it, the guy from yesterday blocked me...BLOCKED ME, out of nowhere, literally no motivation no explanation just block- like we were talking just fine the whole day yesterday and even had a late nigh convo and this morning i was like oh i fell asleep but good morning, then i called my mom to tell her about this guy and as im yapping about it i get the urge to ask him to go out and i go check his profile in kakao and everything is GONE. WTF...like you said you wanted ot come back cuz you thought you were immature last time, that you didnt wnat your actions ot hurt me, you wanted to be with me so like WTF happen overnight that you changed your mind and didnt even care to communicate. yk its funny because men tend to say that women are complicated but its them that cant even be straightforward about anything and they be acting like such divas like bitch calm down you aint got the hairline to be talkin or acting this way. anyways #ihatemen lol. not tho actually like yes its annoying but im not about to treat myself liek shit or treat any other man that might come in my life like they ar eall the same becaus ewho knows maybe one person could change my mind but until that person comes imma just be gentle to myself and not get my hopes up because expectations lead to dissapointment every single time. It is so hard to not blame myself, to not say awful stuff to myself to explain his lack of communication but i think im finally understating that it is not me that is lacking something but him- maybe he was never worth of my love to begin with and God knew better than to let me waste my energy and pour my love into a void. For now, I'm just focusing on the present and future, no more being stuck in the past. anyways aside from that today i just got ready super cute and even took photos to post on my insta, then got lunch with a friend, run some errands with her and chismosear (gossip) and then i came to a cafe where i been studying non stop for my last test tomorrow- i think out of all of them this one im the most scared about cuz its online so i genuinly have no idea whats going on but i kin dof read my tsudy guide and went mutiple quiz rounds with chatgpt and i think imma do that againt tmmorow before the test so we shall see. Later, i have a meeting with this group for a project and we shall see what i gotta do, hopefully i can finish it today and yeah i think thats gonna be it for today, talk to yall tomorrow.

[perlapulido]

Always Been Hours

Summary: "You really think that you forget about what we had, Doll." said Chucky. "You're dead wrong. You cant do that to us." he says. "Im nobody special remember." said Esmeray. "I do but thats how you see yourself. Do you know what i see?" said Chucky. "What we see?" Tiffany corrected. "We ourselves in you. We're not that different and deep down is a killer ready to get out." said Chucky holding his knife to her. "You know you want to." he sang urging her to take it. "Come on, Sweetie." said Tiffany. TW: Mentions of SA

Ch4

Its been years since Esmeray left her past behind her and is now living in Chicago as a housekeeper and retail clerk on clothes to pay the bills for her really small apartment. She walked into the store seeing her coworkers Karen and Maggie talking on her way to her station when a shorthaired blonde Karen came over. "Esmeray, how are you?" said Karen smiling at her. "Good. Just been busy getting my clothes out as usual. What about you and Andy?" said Esmeray. She known Andy when he was three after starting her job with her as her babysitter which Andy grew attached. "He is doing okay just really excited for his birthday tomorrow." said Karen. "He still asking for the Good Guy doll huh?" said Esmeray. "Its gonna be hard to get them." she says. "I know and the prices. I'm here to ask if you can spent the night at our place. He'd be happy to see you." said Karen. "Fine but thats my birthday gift for him." said Esmeray. "Ms. Thorne. Ms. Barclay. Arent  you both supposed to be working at your stations?" said the manager. "We are just catching up on the schedules. I wasnt sure if i was coming in or not since i didnt see mine on the board. Again." said Esmeray. "you're in for five hours until the new guy comes in." said the manager before he left. Esmeray did job was helping out the customers like any other employees taking her time and saw the new guy the manger mentioned earlier came in. She got her bag heading to the subway which is a struggle to depending on the issue she has to deal with. Esmeray pushed through the crowd going downstairs reaching the platform feeling breathless once she stopped a few feet away from a man with a long coat and dark hair. "Long day?" said the man looking at her. "Depends on the ride for the subway. It can be good or a massive bitch." said Esmeray. "Yeah. Theres a lot of crazies out there especially a serial killer on the loose." said the man. "Dont remind me." said Esmeray as the sub stopped. She got in seeing that all the seats were full and grabbed a pole to hold onto with the man doing the same by taking the one across from her.

Once the sub started moving Esmeray pulled out her sketch book doodling some designs while the man began to pick pockets from other people who werent looking then took a grab at her wallet. The man opened it taking the cash but stopped to see her ID like he knew her from somewhere and decided to test it. He dropped the wallet on the floor between them and pretended to pick it up clearing his throat. "Miss? This yours?" said the man showing it to her. "Oh shit. Thanks." said Esmeray taking it and looked through it as the man stared at her then found a tiny diamond necklace on her. Esmeray then noticed him staring at her making her uncomfortable moving away a bit making him laugh. "Is everything okay, Beautiful?" said the man. "What?" said Esmeray looking at him. "Surprised you dont recognize an old boyfriend huh? Burlington ring a bell?" said the man. "Charles?! My god look at you. What brings you here?" said Esmeray. "It's Chucky now. Yeah I live here with old Eddie. I didnt know you be here too." said Charles. "Ten years after my Dad got a promotion here." said Esmeray. "I knew it was you. I see you got still have my gift." said Chucky looking at her necklace. "I wasnt expecting it." said Esmeray feeling his arm wrapped around her shoulders. "Where you off to now, Doll?" said Chucky. "Just got off work heading to do somethings. Why?" said Esmeray nervously remembering what he did when they were teens. "I just want to catch up." said Chucky. "Arent you busy with " "Im actually not right now." Chucky cuts her off. "Okay. You can come over." Said Esmeray nodding her head. Chucky smiles when she held on after the subway moved roughly grabbing onto the pole tightly. He kept his arm on her leaning over to his face like they were couple again making her tense up a little. "Im not gonna hurt you. Unless youre into that." Said Chucky kissing her head. No im not. Just want to get things done at mt place." said Esmeray adjusting her bag. She saw her stop and got out with Charles by her side with his hand on her waist walking out of the station into the sidewalk 

Esmeray doesnt to be around him not knowing what he'll do to her if she went back with him. He is unpredictable from the innocent act he pulled back in Jersey and wasnt even caught for the murders he did. Esmeray and Chucky got a small apartment building going up tie fifth floor using the elevator. They walked to her apartment number walking in with Esmeray leading tot he living room while she went to the kitchen. "Nice place. Nicer than mine." Said Chucky looking at the very small apartment. "I had to sell some stuff to afford this place. Want anything?" Said Esmeray looking at him. "Nah. Im fine." Said Chucky watching her coming to the couch with a coke bottle. He leaned back in his spot with his arms spread out watching Esmeray open her drink using her keys. "What have you been up to?" Said Esmeray. "Doing this and that. But you dont have to be scared of me . . unless you told." Said Chucky. "I never did. What am i going say that my first boyfriend killed the janitor and two family member who ruined my life." Said Esmeray. "Lets not forget that you threatened my life?" She say looking at him. "At least they're gone. They wont be touching my doll anymore." Said Chucky. "Thanks but i was never expecting this side of you. Or have you always been like this out of curiosity." Said Esmeray. "Doesnt matter as you keep that pretty mouth of your s shut." Said Chucky. "Or what fucking kill me like you're the Lakeshore Strangler?" Said Esmeray. "I could but id miss a babe like you." Said Chucky smirking. "Dont fuck with me." Said Esmeray scotting back. "Why are you moving away? I told you im not going to hurt you." Saod Chucky dragging her to sit on his lap. "Charles! No." Said Esmeray getting off. She then had her mouth covered after Chucky pulled her back on the couch with laying on top of her. "Im not going leave you and youre not leaving me. Nobody leaves me!" Said Chucky. He let go her mouth to liss her roughly then worked his way down to her neck. "Chucky please! Please dont." Said Esmeray pushing him off. She quickly ran to the bathroom locking the door feeling her heart beat fast slowly to the floor shaking. "Babe? Can you open the door?" Said Chucky once he stood in front of it. "Please just go." Said Esmeray. She looked at his shadow under the door move away and waited until the door to the apartment opened and closed. 

[ooglywooglies]

home from attempting to get my blood drawn and i feel like fucking SHIT and i didnt even get my blood drawn

the plan was to eat this morning at 6. i missed the window and ate at 7:30 which meant i couldnt get blood drawn til 3:30. all pathology clinics close at 4 so its cutting it close. the time comes me and husband go to the hospital bc he was thinking we can get everything done at once (bc i needed to go to the pharmacy and get an xray done and another test) i found out that fasting during the day is really really difficult bc your metabolism works different when youre awake than when youre asleep and makes you hungrier so im already dying when we get there (we gotta take the bus everywhere bc we dont have a car) and im like fuck im ready for this to be over im going to pass out on the floor of this hospital any second and its a private hospital so i cant let that happen bc i dont have insurance we walk into pathology give the lady the paper and she says "you cant do that here" which means the whole day was pretty much wasted, gotta get back on the bus and go home. went to the grocery store to find something to keep me from dying but 1) we dont have any money left so we cant really afford anything and 2) im on a 0 cholesterol diet which means im essentially a vegan+pescatarian. i get like a little thing of peanuts, eat like 10 of them and choke on them at the bus stop.

i am home now, dying in the comfort of my own bed my husband is cooking me some emergency potatoes

were going to make an attempt to do this stuff in the morning tomorrow instead, draw blood in the morning (at a different place obviously), come home, have my pbjs and whatever, then go back out and do the xrays in the afternoon

the extra trouble with all this is MY BACK FUCKING HURTS, ough surprisingly that was sort of the least of my worries for once, it still hurts but i actually have a little bit of pain threshold left

[imraespace]

GANG IM BACK AFTER GRIEVING OVER MY GRADES AND I HAVE DECIDED TO LOCK TF IN THIS TIME (.. hopefulyl.)

A CPT IS LIKE A FINAL PROJECT OF LIKE EVERYTHING YOU LEARNED BASICALLY AND ITS USUALLT WORTH 15% OF UR GRADE BUT DEPENDS ON THE COURSE AND USUALLT EXAM IS ALSO 15% its displayed on like the course syllabus but for some reason our science cpt is only worth 10%??? so idk how that chem cpt is worth 5% like if it was 5% per unit cuz theres chem bio physics for our science course then 5 x 3 is 15 but the math isnt mathing if the cpt is only worth 10% on the syllabus???????? SO THATS WHY IM CONFUSED AND ALSO WHY TF IS THERE A CHEM CPT AND IT TEACHES US A WHOLE NEW CONCEPT?? LIKE HUH WHAT

i also have a history cpt due on monday and another cpt due wednesday so that is fun AND I HAVENT STARTED BOTH HELPME I NEED TO ACC GET ONTO THAT ILL JUST WAKE UP EALRY TOMORROW….. 6 am grind trust…..

i just memorized the map for europe 1914 but i keep confusing denmark and sweden but its ok bc my test is monday …. i will be tweaking out bc apparently he makes the alternative test version harder and im taking that cuz my kidney appointment was on friday and the original test date was kn friday so im like lowk scared … STOP THIS. 💔

OH AND MY SAE PLSUH CAME IN TODAYYAYAYA i got a free clip and bracelet so now im gonna amke my rin and sae plushies recreate that one scene muehhehehe im #Evil rn STOP or ill make them hug depending. MY MOM APPARENTLY LOVES SAE BTw??? LIKE SHE SAW HIM AS A PLUSH AND SHE WAS LIKE i want that get me my card and paid 85 dollars for it HELPME STOP im also waiting on the yukimiya volume………. and im thinking like oh maybe i shouldve just waited to buy all the bllk manga cuz theres yk these bundles of like mangas 1-6!! and i save like 10 dollars or so from it bc of tax and im like Ugh i couldve saved money but in reality that 10 dollars saved wouldve webt jnto buying tiny bllk figures and it makes like no difference HELp SO IT DOESNT REALLT MATTER I GUESS ……. 💔💔

umumum nothing has happened other than OH WAIT I BOUGHT TWO ONESIES HELPME ONE ISNA FOX AND ANOTHER IS A DOG AND I WANNA WEAR IT FOR HALLOWEEN LIKE FOR SCHOOL AND IM THINKING LIKE OH DO I REALLY WANT TO BC WHAT IF PPL CALL ME A FURRY BUT ITS LITERALLT SO COMFY STOP.. like…. let me live its so comfy…… and very warm so idk if i acc will wear it cuz sometimes my school blasts the heaters after 12 pm BUT I MIGHT 😈

umumum okaya thats actuallt all that hapepned HELPME

OKAY DAILY QUESTION IS UM who in bllk would be really good at eating salmon sashimi bc i want salmon sashimi rn.

- 🐙

HAIIII YOU WERE MISSED DEARLY by me

IM GLAD YOU LOCKED IN I gotta lock in soon exams are almost here..

OH THAT SOUNDS.. confusing🤨 I MEAN IT MAKES SENSE but also sounds confusing that kinda reminds me of SBAS here but instead you do an SBA when you reach senior level bc your SBA overall grade adds to your FINAL FINALL exam mark the one you do to leave the school ykyk

I WISH YOU LUCK DAMG I'll be procrastinating like crazy

WHAT IN THE FAC A WHOLE MAP?? I feel bad for yall geography and history students.. whatever you're doing idk ever since i started business my knowledge narrowed (im joking)

OMG SAE PLUSH MSHDJAJS

HELO.EE MAKE THEM HUG🤬🤬

AW THATS SI CUTE my momma saw chigiri and asked who's girlchild is that!!?😊😊

idk anything abt money there.. but ik it has more value than mine so I'll be mad SHOULDVE SSVED UP THAT 10 DOLLARS ANS BUY MORE FIGURINES🗣🗣🗣

I started sneezing after reading this I'm allergic to you....😕😕😕

AW THATS SI CUTE BUT HELP FURRY I WISH I COULD DRESS UP FOR HALLOWEEN BUT MY SCHOOL HAS A STUPID ASS UNIFORM AND WE CANT ENTER THE SCHOOL IF WE DONT HAVE THE ACHOOL LOGO ON😒😒😒😒

erm what has happened to me this week🤔🤔 um.. OH we don't laugh.. but long long ago!! I used to play league of legends BUT WITH MY BROTHERS AND MOMMA but I stopped bc someone on dc asked if i stink bc he saw it on my profile but whatever.. I kinda.. wanna play it again.. bc I saw character I like.. PLUS THE NETFLIX SERIES FOR THE GAME ARCANE which I love #VIFORLIFE LEMME AT HER is literally coming out in November ITS SO SOON anyways

ISNT HE LIKE HOT?? it's all the same person but different skins THERES MORE HOT PPL THERE IN HIDING BRO THE PLAYERS JJST SCARE YOU AWAY☹️☹️😕😕😕😞😞

not the heaters.. the heater in our school is the darn sun! only a certain group of students gets AC and only like the library.. my group has fans then classes battle for bc apparently THEYRE TOO BROKE RO BUY ONE😒😒

UMUM ILL SAY REO HELP

[fraener]

9/7/24

if i had the time to write, i would have. this past month was one of the hardest ive gone through. i didnt have a day off since before my last entry in here. im listening to stefans piano music in bed now, had dinner, painted for the first time in a really, really long time. it didnt give me the same level of enjoyment as it used to but i think id like to start doing that again every day. i had to leave work early today because my period finally came with a terrible vengance, 20 days late. the stress of the move nearly killed me i think. i lost even more weight im pretty sure, ive never been this thin. im going to try and get my thyroid tested again because im getting very worried about it. h told me he felt like i criticized him too much and was so ungrateful for all his help moving. i am not allowed to have any feelings about what happened in front of him because he feels this way. i told him he was right so hed stop yelling at me. its just yet another thing i cannot rely on him for or trust him for, i dont feel like i ever want to ask his help for anything ever again, at least not that big of a thing. it just doesnt seem like a good idea anymore and im almost glad i never let go of my suspicions around it. im too depressed to really be disappointed or saddened by it. this is just what relationships turn into for me, a strange dance of self suppression when faced with the continuous obstacle of being something foreign and unordinary in the face of what the other person wants and expects. i feel like im speaking a different language to most people. i feel so extant and as i get older it becomes less and less surprising that i feel that way. i wonder what would have happened had i been ordinary or had a shot at seeing the world in an ordinary way. i dont really think i have it in me to keep trying to find someone who will see me and understand me and love me for what and who i am. maybe thats a good thing. i dont really know. i want to lean into my uncommonness again. i am unloveable in my uncommonness, i think, but strong in it. tomorrow i think id like if i am able to go and paint on the hill above the bay and watch the little sailboats go by. for the first time in a long time im feeling reasons to return to myself rather than turn away. what am i here for? what do i like to do? i want to paint, i want to watch other people enjoy learning something new, i want to be included in or witness to someones passions, i want to find my friendship in the nonhuman again. i miss rosie so much. i miss all the animals i cant talk to anymore like ed and zoey. at least rosies still alive. and gigi is too, and tally. so many friends of mine are so far away now. learning over and over that i am so terribly lonely here! i think maybe im beyond sad about h. this hasnt been a very good relationship but i havent been well or strong or brave enough to end it even when its really bad or even when its not so aggressively bad but just so bald faced in its discrepancies that it doesnt make any sense to keep going. for some reason i keep going. for love or habit i do not know. i dont feel loveless like i did with m but i dont feel like the love is enough most days. im tired of writing in my journal about him. i want him to matter less in some ways, maybe just matter less in the darker matters of the heart. i saw o's play and we spent some time together. theyre so magical and i can see so pure as day why we didnt work out. exactly what i admire about them is the thing i cannot stand! funny how it works sometimes. im glad to see them a little again, a year from when we did last. always the end of summer with that one. i miss my apartment, my new house is quiet but lonely without my ghosts. the fellow above the doorframe threw the picture one last time at h while he was scolding me which was really funny but a bit naughty. not that h would know or understand necessarily. yes, tired and lonely. one day soon maybe ill feel a bit better, or at the very least, different.

[indigo474]

Saturday-long run-

My runs are getting longer and taking more time. An hour - i was running about 35 minutes. my music still will not play when im running. ive tried to figure it out to no avail. it's so frustrating. i'm left alone with my thoughts. my breathing- my shoe was making a weird noise today- and i had to blow my nose on a leaf... i forgot tissues again. i checked the temp before i headed out and it was 35-- warm.. hahahaha.. 45 is hot. 20's cold.. i thought of my uncle chuck today and how when i was little her taught me the right way to paint my finger nails. that was the type of kid i was- i didnt ask how to do things.. i just did them and figured it out.. from a very young age. there was no one paying much attention to me. my mom always said children should be seen and not heard.. i dont even think they saw me. i was a good kid.. i dont even know if my uncle chuck is still alive. i wish i cold thank him.. for seeing me and teaching me how to paint my nails.

i spent some time with Mads today. always a good time.. mostly always. she likes working 3rd shift.. so far.. next week will be the real test as she is scheduled like really overnight. i'm glad she is happy.. but ughh.. i feel better knowing she is home,safe with me at night. i really do not like her out all night. she said the people are weird. i am done Christmas shopping and looking forward to a relaxing day tomorrow and Monday- i'm working a few hours on xmas. today was a good day. i feel blessed- happy - peaceful- my car is acting weird again.. months and months of it running good and today the dash decides to light up. madison said something about aunt paula.. we started taking about paula and how she basically hated kevin.. i was telling madison how it was normalized- the brothers being assholes was normal.. ohh thats just the way they are.. im convinced paula is an abused person. without a doubt.. it brings up a lot of things for me. once you see the truth you cant unsee it- how is it that i spent over 20 years with someone and knew nothing about him. i dont think there is much to know- he was and is just a shell of a human. nothing real to get to know- he of course knew nothing about me- his made up version of who i was/am.. bipolar like her mother. i can hear him say it. i have come to terms with my role in michael and meghan's life. i'm sure there will be a time when the pain of what is brings me to my knees- again.. i dont know much about anything but i do know that the pain does stop and i am able to find my peace again. acceptance- how many times in my life have i wanted things to be different how many times? ive spend decades wishing things were different- things are the way they are. i think of madison and how she has handled things. i know it hurts her. i'm proud of how she's handled herself and the pain she feels. i hope Michael and Meghan can heal themselves and live with the decisions they have made. how can 1 man cause so much damage to so many people? if i didnt live it i wouldnt believe it.

Madisons friend was telling me how her family has needed a kitchen table for years. I told her that someday htey would get a kitchen table- it takes time- i waited over 20 years for a dining room table. sometimes it take time. I feel bad for her friend. its just a bad situation. the mom doesnt food shop.. there is never any food in the house. maddy's friend had to have her hours cut at work because her mom would get less welfare. how is anyone supposed to better themselves? an uphill battle for a young girl that already has years of trauma behind her. i thought about x today more than i have in a long long while.. maybe because of the conversations i had wiht madison.. he actually told my children i was a sex addict.. i wanted to have sex with my husband.. who the fuck tells their children that. its difficult to not blame yourself when the person you're married to doesnt want to have sex with you. there must be something wrong with me..

someday.. someday.. he will get what he deserves.. eventually, we all do.. tomorrow... run.. i need new sneakers. i'm running longer and my feet are swelling up. i'm not sure-i'm hoping its normal.. i'm gonna need to do something. i dont think ill be running 13 miles by spring. i finally figured out how to use my fitbit.. to actually track my run. hopefully i'll remember to use it tomorrow. i'm excited for tomorrow- tomorrow feels like Christmas to me. i heard someone say my name at work.. i actually said who called my name.. no one..

one of my co workers gave me a bottle of wine.. i gave it away. my mom asked me if i wanted a bottle of champagne wiht out even thinking i said no Mom i dont drink. she said oh good.. i do worry that in the dating world not drinking can be seen as a red flag.. i'm not dating but if i was.. if someone does think not drinking is a red flag,i guess they arent my person.. alcohol is actual poison.. i think not working out it a red flag so there's that.

[bubsub69]

Entry 35

6/12/2023 00:15 Why the hell did i think it would be different. why would we go back to talking regularly after she ghosts me for almost 2 weeks i wish i could just move on, but i neither want to nor can find someone else, i browsed through fetlife and stuff and tried messaging some poeple yesterday but no luck there either… one of the scammers from telegram posted a story about needing a 'favor' and theyll dominate for free… the favor is most likely asking to borrow an account for posting on reddit because of karma requirements because shes posted another story asking that… asking about the favor seems really tempting for some reason, i dont know why im interested in someone that charges and is dishonest, probably because of despair, you know i dont even know why im being anonymous about her its @goddessclaire8 if someone shares this telegram accoung a) she charges and b) is dishonest. you know what fuck it im just gonna ask her to see if thats what she wants.

tomorrow im gonna have test, which means i should stop writing and maybe go over some stuff, but who has the mental capacity for that amirite… im really getting sick of some stuff at college, too many teacher just expecting you to know not explained stuff, but everyone somehow already knows it, maybe theyre not lazy fucks and actually look up relevant stuff and you know learn outside the classroom which i dont really do.

ive been talking to some people online but i still feel really lonely, i dont know if i just want deeper connection or just physical touch, i dont know wtf i want anymore…

dad kind of demanded i go to a therapist but i refused… honestly i dont even know why i did it, maybe a bit of a mix between thinking they wont be useful and they'll share stuff with my parents which means i wont be able to completely open up, tbh i dont want to completely open up to them either, not gonna share that im desperate sub and that im touch starved and stuff, i guess i could keep it to myself and its not like id impact the effectiveness of therapy but who cares stubborn brain wont let me get help, all i need is touch and gf and im fixed, classic solution.

also the discord thing didnt really work out, havent talked there, cant do it. also kinda sucks that most people dont really talk back, its hard to be the one that always starts talking, and ive only kept contact with 2-3 people, some didnt even reply to my heys anymore so i guess i was just too boring as usual. damn just remembered theres someone that would always start and we havent talked in a bit should text him tomorrow. And i guess i should just go to sleep, not being eepy is proabbly gonna do more good than looking at some stuff in a hurry.

maybe J will text me on sunday again… that seems to be the day shes usually free… maybe ill get that video call… i also had to wait a fair bit to talk with D so… i just have to be patient… again… like ive been… for a month………. itll be worth it in the end………………………… i hope

[blueempty]

I forgot to take a night pic but it looked just like this except dark

I had a pretty good day despite not sleeping enough. Me and my brother tied in Mario Kart three grand prix's in a row, and then I beat Barony as a skeleton ninja on switch. I made my own food for before and during work so I got through the day without spending money on food but I also got in at like 5:30 so it kinda wasnt worth it. It was good though

I've been trying to be more assertive about it but lately I've gotten really tired of people being so toughies on me. I think I generally present myself as being pretty emotionally stable, certainly not all the time and certainly less in recent years but like, at least in social situations I can be trusted to not completely fly off the handle, and idk if that has people forgetting that I am Unwell in the brain region. I try not to lean on my self diagnosed mental illnesses too much but I'm PRETTY SURE I'm displaying symptoms of autism and ADHD in the group chat, but it feels like people are constantly expecting me not to have the memory problems I have

My job is fake, it's the easiest job in the world. I pushed that test off again, I can not be stopped, but like the routine of waking up 6 days a week and having to rush to either be at work or at band at a reasonable time and then 5 of those days having to be at work for minimum 6 hours whether theres anything to do or not, and then coming home and having no time to do anything after showering, eating, and cleaning up, it's taking its toll on me bro. I get one day a week where I dont have to worry about shit and I really should be spending it trying to be more productive, but like I'm bad at being productive. I fucking love being unemployed I wanna be unemployed so bad!!!! But yeah I just cant keep things in my brain. I literally failed an object permanence check yesterday and today when I went out to the kitchen to eat things I was excited to eat. Just forgot they were there. I keep wasting food doing that. Anyway vent over sorry bro I'm so sorree

My phone absolutely refuses to focus on the moonstones but my dudes are growiiiing. They've come so far since the shipping accident and as soon as I find the right time to behead the bigger ones theyre gonna be so cash money. I gotta post garlic pics tomorrow too that thing is insane. For all the bad brain shit going on rest assured the plants are kicking ass and I feel good about them. Even the cocoon that won't rehydrate for literally no reason

Peace and Long Life