#i need to scream more....but tomorrow
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cherik fall collection i guess !!!!!!!!
#xmen#xmen comics#xmen tas#xmen 92#cherik#professor x#magneto#charles xavier#erik lehnsherr#erik magnus lehnsherr#max eisenhardt#snap sketches#first one was inspod by that uncanny xmen variant cover. second one was cause i wanted smooching and them wearing coats#cause i like that outfit erik wore in that one (1) episode of 92 Family Ties#and charles' lil outfit from marvel meow makes me giggle and kick my feet. he needs more trench coats i think#anyway Double Cherik Posting as good luck for me cause i have. A Day ahead of me tomorrow. a week even#and i need my old people to get me through it#alright i should sleep soon but i have to drive home so. //screams in two-hour drive//
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Went back to babygirl because I’ve neglected him
#I’m so excited about tomorrow I need to see more Higgs or I will scream#bit rusty so I’m trying to get back into the swing#death stranding#higgs monaghan#ds higgs#artblr#digital art#art#painting#artist on tumblr#digital painting
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SHIN SOUKOKU – BUNGOU STRAY DOGS SEASON 5
#atsushi nakajima#ryūnosuke akutagawa#sskk#shin soukoku#bsd#bungou stray dogs#bsd s5#bsd season 5#my gifs#Okay I'm sskkdone. If anything because I need to wake up in four hours#See y'all tomorrow for more sskk screaming
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I just found this photo and I'm kinda going ballistic
#I have my first sanskrit exam tomorrow that I haven't started studying for. I DON'T EVEN KNOW THE LANGUAGE-#but look at this pookie 🥹#I need him to try out more hairstyles WITHOUT TOUCHING THE SCISSORS#or the wind can do it for him#carlos sainz jr#formula 1#scuderia ferrari#I'm screaming#he's so perfect#look at him#bonito
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I don’t know if I’m having a crisis or what but I’ve been genuinely thinking about leaving my job all day.
#Like#just not going tomorrow#Not going back ever#The only thing is that I have stuff I’ll need to pick up from there 😭#but there’s a different person I’d like to work for in a creative field#and it would still be similar work to what I know#Less pay and hours but enough that I won’t be dying on the streets or anything lmao#Also it would mean I could have more time to chill and breathe#and do the things I want to do#And if anything I’ll be more available for circus jobs#I just cannot stop thinking about how desperately things need to change#and I’m the only one who can change them#It’s so fucking scary though aaaahhhhh znxbzncnx#lord of yappeth#text#The last day I worked kind of spurred this actually#It was really bad#like screaming at the top of my lungs in my car bad#crying the entire drive home bad#Finding an empty parking lot and crying there too#for 4 hours straight#💀#It needs to stop it needs to stop#I need to stop it
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sometimes i think about the realm and tr!sneeg and i want to cry and scream . is this normal ?
#one would even say i want to stim#but i dont really do that . i just sit in the overwhelming feeling and scream to myself quietly/mentally#one time i experimentally flapped my hands and it worked immediately . so . stimming should probs be on the table for me#anyway i want to yell and stim over tr!sneegsnag#unless mentally screaming is stimming but i dont think it is .? it doesnt even like .#let out my excess energy or anything#i just Need to scream a little ! but i still feel AAAAGAGAGGGHGGGR (thats what the screaming is)#anyway RAAAHHHHH THE REALM EVENT TOMORROW im excited ^_^#why did sneeg have to change his main heavy weapon to a hammer instead of battle axe smh#battle axe is sm more fun to draw smh my head bro#and no i am not diagnosed with autism or adhd or anything#in fact i tried . no dice#although the autism assessment smelled like bullshit#considering i couldnt answer half the questions fuckin properly#since they didnt accommodate my selective mutism#so . shrugs . smile . aint that a thing that is a thing . Yep#tr!sneegsnag#trsmp#kristiliyaps
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ONE EMAIL!!!
#THANK FUCK!!!! THANK U FOR PULLING THRU [REDACTED]#im also glad that i ended up resending it lmao#now one more party left to coordinate... please fucking pull thru early#they get all of today (wednesday). and then im calling tomorrow if i get nothing#they asked last week if i was free this friday. i confirmed but received no response.#schedules had to be cleared. it is 3 Fucking Hours Out. i NEED them to be square with me on this or im gonna fucking scream
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I'm realizing I barely make any edits/shit posts for other people like I used to. there was a point where I was making shit for people unprompted at least several times a week and now I can't even remember the last thing I made specifically for anyone else. it kinda makes me sad but also I don't think anyone really cared at all about my stupid little edits in the first place and also it was just starting to suck for me. I can give and give and give and spontaneously want to make things for other people, for their fics or just silly discord messages, because they inspired me
and then none of my effort is reciprocated. my folder for stuff I've made for other people has like 60 pics (and I recently deleted a lot of the large files from the foldee to free up space on my phone, it had a lot more) and there's only 9 pics people have made for me. I don't want to sound ungrateful or entitled but I've really just lost the urge to make stuff for other people when I know it's always going to be a one-sided thing. I don't think anyone's ever made anything for me unprompted really, 95% sure everything in my stuff from friends folder was requested or for my birthday or one of my previous mental breakdowns, not any random out of the blue "I loved your fic/concept and wanted to make something" like I've done for other people on so many occasions
so it's like yeah I'm tired and having a selfish arc all I want to do is make stuff for my own fics and AU's because the only person who gets inspiration from them is me and I just gotta accept that and appreciate that at least I can make cool self indulgent stuff for myself. like sorry but I don't care how much I love your fic I'm not spending hours making a cool edit to show my appreciation when what will happen when I post the edit is a million people reblog it also praising your fic and it'll get more attention than any of my fic posts. if I'm not going to get similar energy from you I don't want to spend my time and effort. like at this point I can only see myself making an edit for a fic I like by an author who consistently comments on my fics too. I don't want anything straight up transactional (like a deal that I'll make something for X comments or whatever) but I just don't want to spend hours doing things for people that don't care and wouldn't spend any amount of their own time on anything for me, I need to feel like you care about me at least a little
so I'm just going to focus on edits for my fics because I'm the only one who will ever care enough to make things. it could definitely be worse, I can't draw for shit but at least I came to the RE fandom with many years of gimp and picsart experience from doing RP promo edits so I can make SOMETHING visual to go with my fics. I'd probably actually lose my mind if I didn't have that going for me
#not helping the matter is someone who i made a Lot of things for and would consult me for dsc lore stuff randomly unfollowed me one day#ive said i would do detailed looks at krauser and re4 leon like i did for oj leon but honestly idk if im even going to unless i get out of#this stupid selfish spiral bc each of them are going to take me h o u r s to do especially re4 leon and it's like. i don't feel like it. i#don't want to. im normally eager to help ppl but im Tired#like idk if it's ACTUALLY useful and ppl ACTUALLY appreciate it since that person said all those things right up until they randomly#unfollowed so it's like ok im going to devote so much time to this and ppl will thank me and i'll be happy for a day and then everyone will#move on and even if it continues to be useful i'll never know after the notes drop off#im going to sleep med and hope i wake up feeling less selfish and wanting to at least do the stuff ive already said i would#shit wait i also said i'd update the fic today i should do that before sleeping#i will delete this tomorrow if i remember to since it feels whiny and entitled i just want to scream into the void i don't expect or want#anyone to see this and feel bad i don't want temporary pity attention#what i want can't be forced it has to happen organically. no one can force themselves to find my stuff inspiring it happens or it doesn't#all i can do is just accept it and try to fill the void w my own edits#my feelings get so contradictory. sometimes i desperately want to be useful and then sometimes i end up feeling like a resource and#resentful of that. i guess it's like in an ideal world my writing would be my primary source of interaction and engagement and i'd get asks#abt my fics and au's but that doesn't happen so i try to settle for being an authority and getting asks and dms abt lore/game texture stuff#and it kinda sort of feels nice but doesn't quite fill the void#i guess it just makes it feel like everything is so conditional. if i stop being useful and a resource no one in the re fandom will ever#reach out to me again. i also fully expect that all my re mutuals will unfollow me if i get into another fandom. ive got nonfandom mutuals#that are ride or die but ive had re mutuals i really thought were ride or die randomly unfollow so like. hard to trust anyone else#feels like im always one tiny misstep away from someone in the fandom disowning me#and my only hope to have anyone who wants to talk to me is continue to be useful#i am not an interesting person worth knowing on a personal level and talking to. im a resource to be asked when you need something from me#and forgotten about and ignored the rest of the time#the vast majority of my dms both on tumblr and discord are ppl wanting stuff from me. i can think of one time someone dmed me complimenting#one of my fics. the rest is needing my help so it feels like that's it. that's what i am to ppl. and idk that it's even possible to escape#this feeling bc if ppl reach out more my cynical aside will assume selfish motives. oh better throw heather a bone once in a while and chec#in or compliment a fic bc i don't want her to crash out and break down and stop helping me with lore and references for fic/art
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Testing stuff again, so here take a BS Spam
#sunny screams#sunny’s art#spamton#Not tagging it with a lot since it’s just a test#I need to post more art again especially if I get a new art tablet to replace the broke one#I’ll spam y’all with traditional stuff tomorrow lolz
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Hate waking up to a barrage of emails from my boss and coworkers asking me to either do 1. Things I have already done 2. Things that have never been my responsibility or 3. Things that would've taken less time for them to fix themselves than it took for them to ask me to do it.
#ramblings of an arrow#please can I not rest for one fucking day#istg I have been doing so much more than usual for the past like 3 weeks with no breaks#im so fucking tired#if I have to drive out somewhere to pick something up or drop something off today I will scream#I only get compensated for my gas if I drive over 100 miles in one day#not if I am doing likely more than that over the course of like 3 days#my gas bill : (#I am so exhausted#and I have a zoo shift tomorrow#I cannot win or catch a break#I need summer to be over yesterday
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it was rare, i was there ❤️
#ill be screaming more tomorrow because i still need to escape london and sleep but#THE ACOUSTIC SONGS!!!!#taylor swift eras#the eras tour#taylor swift#taylor swift eras tour#dorian speaks
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collapses to the ground like a deflated balloon
#my god#stage one is finally complete . . . . . . . .#if you can recall that poll i reblogged about passing out#that important contact i received was mr. seto of the vocaloid team#who messaged me asking about a collaboration and quite literally nearly caused me to pass out#i read the message preview on my phone#stood up#saw stars#and collapsed onto my bed and had to lay down for like. 10 minutes before my body would stop feeling distant and weak w#i similarly felt ready to pass out today when i sent a message to ask when the announcement tweet would be#and they tweeted it. immediately after w#no joke rice and i were scrambling behind the scenes to get our act together and figure out what we wanted to say KHGJGSJKFHGKJ#all the while screaming because yamaha said they'd be posting it on valentine's day and we thought they meant our timezone w#because the whole point of this collab was to get the zolas more well known in the english-speaking sphere w#EITHER WAY#i am. so so tired and now i need to pass out so i can get enough sleep before more internship tomorrow w#which is heating up because my seminar professor wants a detailed plan of my final project goals This Friday#but my mentor won't know anything about where to fit that in until Thursday at the earliest#and my supervisor just hounded me over email to coordinate with the two other people at my station and choose an activity to lead#but that requires. planning. that our mentors won't have until thursday........#perishing . . . . . .
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people who say they love my artstyle make me feel a specific kind of elation
#and because of this tonight i will draw instead of working on my speech for tomorrow because this one is fucking tired#i'll just whip it out tomorrow morning i dont give a fuck#(i will give a fuck. just not now)#i am way too happy that someone told me this in one of my latest kcd sketches#and the other people screaming about pious and others too just. god. i need to draw more of my takes on kcd characters#i like the validation. lol
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if i randomly disappear this week and dont show any signs of being alive - im not dead, but deathly tired
just worked an 11 hour shift for like $10-11, and i have same shit tomorrow, then i have physiotherapy at 12th and idk how that would work out
#life update ig#my legs are screaming crying to be forcefully perished#working in a bookstore is NOT a fanfic fantasy#its chill but like this is the bullshit i have to deal with#also no internet access there so im rereading same story about same fools make same mistakes.#i will memorize entirety of my downloaded fics soon. like i am on my way there#also if i show up late for like 1 minute tomorrow i will probably pay a fine :D#and tomorrow they close the fuckin streets :D#suddenly i am feeling like i need therapy even more than ever cuz i am about to cry like a crybaby#sorry for that vent in tags
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I finally caught up to Epic and the mental cinematics I'm making for Siren!MC and Get in the Water
#siren!mc#keeping in mind that the whole situation between you and touya had been that you were trying NOT to be a villain#and were rejecting your family and your upbringing. and it's inevitably why you break up#because you very much needed to believe that heroes and villains could come together#and spoilers but I am planning a supplemental fic after hex to show what you were doing while he was having fantasies#and you were begging shouto to save him#and even when you were at your most humble and vulnerable it did not make a difference#you were Good and refused to fight and everyone died anyway#so that's what I've been writing in the bg lately is her return to villainy and her very patient plot of revenge touya would be so proud of#and I keep thinking about her sing-screaming through tears “RUTHLSSNESS IS...MERCY UPON....OURSELVES!!!”#like that's something her family has always said and now she's finally agreeing a little too late#and if she would've accepted it sooner maybe everyone would still be alive#GOOD GOOD STUFF ANYWAY I GOTTA GO TO BED#MAYBE I'LL WRITE MORE ABOUT THIS TOMORROW
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Nature is healing I’m getting Deltarune theories and content pop up again! My undying interest is finally being fed instead of being pushed away with a chair for something else to occupy time
#sunny screams#deltarune#never kill yourself#I swear I am at my last string of composer at the moment and the thing keeping me going instead of snapping is new Deltarune content#MY FAVORITE GAME FR FR#terrified for when the game ends and there is no more so the fandom may shrivel like it did just a few days ago- BUT WE DONT NEED TO UNPACK#ALL THAT FOR NOW#Anyways yippee Deltarune AND Silksong tomorrow <333
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