#i spend so much time on tiktok and yet i never actually absorb anything

[effietrinket1619]

On the subject of Jess having a TikTok account dedicated to content produced by dint of her having the weirdest family anyone on the internet has ever seen (this is the true reason they are beating the Waynes for popularity), and Kyle finding that makeup is way more fun than expected:

-Simon being into cars and Hal being into planes. Does this cause conflicts? Who knows but they definitely both have multiple 'infodump about special interest' segments

-Kyle with makeup strikes again, multiple times (they even get John to sit for it, with a face of exasperated indulgence) which then devolves into 'everyone walks in heels challenge' and listen it's been a while since Hal was young enough to steal Carol's shoes for the hell of it but the muscle memory is still there so he's rusty but he's not Guy (cannot go five steps without tripping but he plays it off nicely). This is how everyone learns that Kyle can already walk in heels. He refuses to tell them how or why he knows this.

-also on the Kyle with makeup: does Jess get him into stage makeup and does he then try to make someone look like Kilowog.

-I want Hal to wear a dress at some point (with a good twirly skirt), possibly as another challenge Jess talks everyone into, because I think he'd enjoy it a lot more than he expected to. Guy spends the whole thing exaggeratedly emulating one of the PTA moms he knew back in the day and it's all fun and games until Kyle says 'yknow with dramatics like that you wouldn't be a half bad drag queen' and then Guy gets that specific demonic glint in his eye that means 'I have discovered a new way to cause chaos' and Kyle realizes immediately that he's all but signed himself up as the makeup artist for this. Hal is completely ignoring them in favor of looking at himself in the mirror and twirling in the twirly skirt and periodically hyping Kyle's makeup skills and the shopping skills of whoever picked the dress because "I was honestly expecting a repeat of that time I dressed in drag and sang ABBA at midnight on the tarmac because I lost a bet but you actually made me look nice!"

(Hal will drop anecdotes like that and then never elaborate or bring them up again. He does it specifically to drive Jess insane. She is aware of this.)

-at least one FMK of the Justice League, which about half the actual League watches, chaos ensues as a good quarter of the senior Leaguers pointedly flirt with Hal in Batman's line of sight specifically to make Bruce's eye twitch.

-vlog saga of a trip to an air and space museum, Hal geeks out the whole time, it's adorable.

-one video that's just Jess silently recording the dumpster fire of a trip that is Hal and Guy trying to buy groceries. It is captioned 'this is why John won't let us shop without him'.

-the One Time Jess got John to pop off about architecture

-Simon's litany of extremely helpful car advice.

-Kyle complaining about having art block because he gets so creative when he bitches about it.

-Jess replaces the sugar with salt and half the video is just her fucking booking it away from the rest of the Lanterns.

-yknow those prank videos where one party goes 'I trapped a mouse under the dish I'm too scared to touch it' and it's a computer mouse but you don't find out until the other party has moved it outside? Those fail absolutely in the Lantern house but they fail in such absolutely batshit ways she posts them anyway. Everyone's reactions to 'help there's a mouse/huge bug/etc under it' are just... so fucking weird. Jess tells John there's a big tarantula under that paper cup and he leaves and comes back with a mallet and that's the most normal reaction out of all of them.

-moves all the furniture three inches to the left. Compilation of creative swearing as toes are stubbed.

-rearranges the dishes while everyone's asleep, ensuing '....why are the plates in the bowl cabinet?????' Except Jess obviously can't stop there so one morning everyone wakes up and every cabinet and drawer in their kitchen has been emptied and filled with Legos. John turns the house upside down and he cannot find ANY of their dishes or cooking utensils and the only appliance left is the microwave which has been unplugged and filled with Legos. Kyle, Guy, and Hal immediately sit on the kitchen floor to start playing with the Legos, which is periodically interrupted by John's increasingly furious search for a SINGLE ONE of their dishes or utensils. He'll take finding a single chopstick at this point.

-compilation of having the family try weird foods except all of these people are so used to alien cuisine or the godawful space rations that they just... don't... react... she has Hal eat a carolina reaper the day after he gets back from a several month long mission in space and he's so used to space rations that he's just like 'oh thank god. Flavor.' And that's his only reaction. Like how all food is the best food ever when breakfast was ten hours ago and you've been hiking for eight of them.

-shdhgbsbd Jess does one of those horror movie prank challenges but it's the Lanterns so their reactions are.... not the expected. (Hal wakes up to see some horrific Halloween decoration staring him in the face. He gives it a once over, rolls over, and goes back to sleep).

these are absolutely FRYING me so i'll add on wherever i can

i'd like to make it so clear that jess never, at any given point, actually states the nature of her relationship to these people. they're all from different states, they all have wildly different cultural, religious and employment backgrounds. every time someone's brave enough to ask if [insert lantern] is her partner or parent, jess flat out ignores it and goes on with her day.

there's also the fact that guy and john, who crucially do not have secret identities, appear regularly and seem to live in this house with her? this is equally perplexing as jess apparently just casually knows two whole green lanterns. one person asks if the entire family is made up of green lanterns and jess makes a minute long response video that's just her laughing her ass off. no words at all. that puts the theories to rest for a while.

kyle's dabbled mildly in face painting but make up is a whole different game entirely. there's so much more. like, a lot of creative expression and more products and powders and paints he gets to figure out how to use as well as a whole new array of brushes. he cannot believe it took him this long to try.

john being the next victim is entirely fitting. he's silent and visibly fighting a smile so he looks as stoic as possible while kyle goes to town on him and gives him the cleanest cut crease anyone's ever seen. does this end up boosting john stewarts popularity publicly? yes. jess would tell you she had very little to do with it.

hal and his anecdotes give jess genuine aneurysms. as she films and helps kyle stencil in butterflies over his cheeks and forehead, he drops that he kinda wishes he went all out like this on his wedding day. kyle drops his brush and jess chokes audibly as they talk over each other to ask hal if he's actually married?? hal's response? a grin, a wink and a, "You never asked." horrifying.

kyle does end up getting really good with the state makeup and this spirals into a video where jess walks around looking like she got half of her face torn off (it's surprisingly realistic for makeup) and it scares the shit out of simon and guy.

the way hal is able to sashay in a dress and high heels has everyone deeply suspicious. jess also feels like john in particular is hiding something from them as they watch hal check himself out in a full length mirror. keli's, hidden behind the camera, is the one who asks hal if he's done this before. hal shrugs and says his airforce days were kinda wild. this will be keeping jess and her audience up at night.

anyway, john rocks an evening gown, guy is absolutely thrilled in a vintage, tea length dress that's very reminiscent of the forties housewife style, kyle gets a nice sundress with sunflowers printed all over it and simon has found a wedding dress (no one knows where he got it) and is twirling around in it. truly the video ever. jess has them do a whole catwalk and everything and hal in his heels and makeup really does steal the show.

no one knowing hal is a green lantern makes the FMK so much funnier. when asked for a reason as to why he'd kill batman in literally every single one of these, he has to come up with an answer that doesn't give away his history with bruce. what does he come up with instead? the first and only time he went to gotham, batman knocked his hotdog out of his hands and hal never went back. this gets #justiceforhaljordan and #batmanvshaljordan trending for a week straight. bruce is livid.

hal and guy at the supermarket goes viral because they get into an argument over the flavour of yoghurt keli likes best. it's banana vs chocolate when jess knows keli likes neither of these flavours. she says nothing. the argument lasts for thirty minutes and they end up not buying any yoghurt at all. hal and guy go to the next aisle over and start bickering again over chip flavours. jess's sigh rattles through her very bones.

jess purposefully strides up to simon and tells him that hal's considering getting a cybertruck (he isn't) and the audience gets to see simon's face go from shock to horror to disgust to pure and unadulterated rage. he then storms into hal's room (jess is still filming) and goes on this massive and impassioned rant about why cybertrucks are the single worst investment he could make and if hal bought one, simon would be ripping it apart immediately. hal is. so confused.

john is tipsy when jess brings up architecture and then everyone present, audience included, get an extended house tour where he proudly and deliberately points out every single design feature he included and the reasons for it (ofc john designed the house they're in, what the hell did you expect from me?). it's sweet, it's impassioned and it's clear it was all a labour of love.

the salt prank gets jo first. the others are either too exhausted or jaded to even really notice when they starts stirring salt into their coffee. but jo? she dumps a whole two teaspoons in and jess manages to keep a straight face until jo literally chokes on it and nearly starts drowning right then and there as tea goes everywhere. jess barely makes it out of there with her life preserved.

the mouse prank? yeah hal produces a fuckoff huge flamethrower from nowhere and jess is forced to reveal the prank before he actually burns the house down. jess takes her eyes off kyle for about five minutes and he's already rigged a very elaborate trap that absolutely will not work. jo takes one look at upturned dish and grabs a machete. about a billion viewers fall in love with her almost immediately. guy goes and finds a mouse cage so he can keep it and is devastated to see that it's a computer mouse. jess almost feels bad for him.

keli gets to participate in moving all of the furniture. kyle, eternally stuck in his own head, stubs his toes a million times and looks like he's on the verge of tears by the time he manages to navigate his way into his own room. when the door slams shut, jess and keli do hear another muffled yelp and they consider this a job well done. john eventually asks them to please move the furniture back before guy trips and gives himself more brain damage.

where did jess put the utensils and plates? she's not saying shit. but she does keep coming out with a bowl full of food and it's driving john genuinely nuts as he tries to figure out where the hell she's keeping this stuff. hal, kyle, guy and simon are entirely useless. they've been useless since the legos came out. jo absolutely knows something john doesn't and keli is thrilled that they get to have takeout the entire day. john is rethinking every decision that got him here as he combs through the house for the umpteenth time.

a lot of people find it incredibly attractive that hal, one of two white men in this fuckass family, can handle the heat of a carolina reaper. hal, of course, has been aided by oliver queen's chili recipe which he's consumed over the course of years. most of them have a pretty decent spice tolerance actually, so the challenge is less them feeling pain and more them being relieved that they're back on earth and they can actually eat food with flavour.

as a side note, i wanna make it so clear that the reason hal gets popular originally is because he's hot but after that point? he's just so fucking weird but also kind??? like he's possibly the weirdest guy anyone's ever seen cos he'll read hate comments and huff and go, "I watched my dad burn to death in front of me so this is not my biggest problem right now" and then never elaborate?? an enigma. he is also super cute when he geeks out. that helps.

hal's best friend is kilowog so there's virtually nothing that actually shakes him. jess positions a skeleton on the ceiling over hal's bed (supernatural style) and he doesn't even blink at it when he wakes up. no one does. not even with those enormous spiders that jump off the wall. jess's little pranks here are less about the comedy of her family getting scared and more about just showcasing how fucking weird they all are. it's infuriating and incredibly endearing all at once.

anyway this is so fun thank you for the ask <3

[freddyfreebat]

Jack Dylan Grazer Discovers Who He Is in Luca Guadagnino's “We Are Who We Are”

After supporting roles in the It and Shazam!, the young actor shifts gears with his turn as a capricious army brat in the Call Me By Your Name director's new HBO series.

by Iana Murray / Photography by Nik Antonio  —  September 14, 2020

A few years ago, Jack Dylan Grazer took a trip to the movie theater. He was in Toronto and it was one of his days off from filming Shazam!, the DC comedy in which he plays the shape-shifting hero’s foster brother. He decided to watch Call Me By Your Name, and he immediately fell for it. Grazer took note of the director’s name that appeared in the credits—Luca Guadagnino—and turned to his mother.

“I want to work with him,” he told her. With eerie prescience, she assured him: “You will.”

Whether Grazer, now 17, has a knack for manifestation, or it was all just happenstance, his wish came true in the form of We Are Who We Are, Guadagnino’s coming of age drama which follows a group of army brats living on an American military base in Italy. Thematically, the show is something of a spiritual successor to Call Me By Your Name: Grazer plays Fraser, a tempestuous 14-year-old with a pair of headphones constantly plugged in his ears. He’s the new arrival at the base with his mothers (Chloë Sevigny and Alice Braga), and quickly forms a deep bond with his neighbour, Caitlin (Jordan Kristine Seamon), as they both wrestle with their sexuality and identity in the midst of domestic troubles and teenage debauchery.

“He’s an enigma to himself,” Grazer says of his character. “He doesn’t really understand a lot of the things he does but he’s so forthright so he convinces himself that he knows everything. He feels like other people don’t deserve his intelligence. But he’s also very volatile and aggressive at times, and not because he’s coming from an angry place but because he’s constantly questioning who he is.”

If Fraser is just beginning his coming of age when we first meet him, Grazer is inching closer to the end. Starring in enormous blockbusters including IT, he became the Loser Club’s resident hypochondriac at age 12 and a superhero’s sidekick by 15. His films have grossed a combined total of over $1.5 billion. Suddenly the stakes are multiplied tenfold during what are ostensibly, and horrifyingly, the most awkward years of your life. Every misstep is now being monitored, examined through a microscope of millions. (See: His 3.8 million fans on Instagram, to say nothing of the countless stan accounts.) Child fame is a disarming transaction like that: a stable career and all the other perks of being a celebrity, but at the cost of normalcy. That unalleviating pressure forces a kid to mature fast.

Grazer is acutely aware of this fact, admitting outright that he’s “not a normal person.” But he wouldn’t have it any other way.

“I became 70 when I was 7!” he laughs. “I don’t know if I really had much of a childhood. But I didn’t want to. I wanted to grow up really fast.”

Nevertheless, he’s still 17. When we meet over Zoom, his shoulder length curls are damp and disheveled (he just got out of the shower), his black painted fingernails contrast with his brightly-lit, white bedroom as he rests his face on his hand. It’s a Saturday morning and he looks tired: It’s his first week back at school, which has traded classrooms for hours of video calls reminiscent of the one we’re currently on. “It feels like the days are shorter because the teachers don’t want to torture their students by keeping them on a computer for six hours a day,” he tells me. “You do miss the social aspect of being at school.”

If you were to judge Grazer by what’s out there on the internet, you’d expect an anarchic and relentless bundle of energy. A quick YouTube search brings up results like “jack dylan grazer being a drama queen” and “jack dylan grazer being chaotic in interviews for 4 and a half minutes straight.” He trolled a YouTube gamer on Instagram Live. His TikToks are inscrutable.

But here, he’s incredibly earnest, as he excitedly talks about his skateboarding hobby (a skill he picked up after auditioning for Mid90s) and his attempts to learn the flute (“I need to learn how to read sheet music, but it’s like reading Hebrew!”). He’s calm and thoughtful, as if this project we’re discussing requires a shift in sensibility.

For Grazer, acting had always simply been fun. While other kids might take up a sport or get hooked on video games, he performed in musical theater with the Adderley School because he “just wanted to play.” His roles so far have been reflective of his carefree approach to the job: Up until now, he’s portrayed best friends with biting one-liners, or the younger version of the protagonist in a flashback. IT is a prime example of both. In the horror franchise, Grazer plays a neurotic germaphobe running from a fear-eating clown, but in reality, the film felt like “summer camp.” Both films never felt like work; he just learned his lines and got to hang out on extravagant sets with his best friends. Likewise, school amounted to being pulled off set by a teacher in between takes to cram in the mandatory hours.

But with We Are Who We Are, he steps into his first leading role, one that required him to convey longing and confusion through Elio-like physicality and subtext. It’s abnormal to talk about the show as a turning point for an actor who isn’t even a legal adult yet, but Grazer explains that the show required him to radically change his approach to acting. He spent six months in Italy (“It felt like I was in Call Me By Your Name.”) and built up the character beyond what was on the page in collaboration with Guadagnino. “His philosophy is that we know our characters better than anyone else—even the writers—because we are the characters essentially,” he explains.

In many ways, Grazer absorbed that philosophy entirely. He describes the experience less as a performance and more like a “rebirth”—perhaps even an attempt at method acting. Over those months in Italy, the distinctions between actor and character gradually became indistinguishable. “I had no other choice but to act and surrender to Fraser entirely and throw Jack Dylan Grazer out the window,” he says. “I would go out and get a coffee as Fraser and walk like Fraser. That was just me trying to get into [character], but then I slipped at some point and just became Fraser.”

One day on set, he looked at himself in the mirror, and the hardened kid standing there with a bleach-blond dye job and oversized shorts was unrecognizable to him. He could only see Fraser. While talking about his character, he seems to unintentionally switch pronouns, from “he” to “I”, as if the two still remain one and the same.

The process was so transformative that it forced him to re-evaluate himself entirely. “I never really struggled with identity before,” Grazer tells me. “But I think the show opened up my eyes to question myself. Being Fraser forced me to question what I wanted and what I stood for and what I believed in. At some points, the show bled into reality.”

When asked how he has changed, he takes a pause and a pensive swivel in his armchair, unsure of how to answer. “I think I was more ignorant before I did the show,” he says, and he leaves it at that.

Coming of agers are a particularly well-trodden genre, but there’s a naturalistic, raw energy to We Are Who We Are that is distinctive from what we’ve seen before. Each character quietly struggles with their own problems and growing pains—for Fraser, it’s his sexuality. Caught in a fraught relationship with his lesbian mother and an infatuation with another man, his story doesn’t tick off the familiar beats. His personal discovery is instead internal and intimate. "I think every single person born as a boy has this guard. It’s this guard that they don’t even realize they have, where they’re initially like, ‘Being gay? I could never.’ But we’re all born as humans who are attracted to whatever we’re attracted to," he says. "I think that’s how Fraser interprets it as well. Yes, he’s reserved and nervous about it in the beginning because he’s unlocking this new idea for himself. He’s figuring it out, and that’s what you see in the show: him coming to terms with this idea."

As our conversation winds to a close, I ask him if Martin Scorsese ever visited the set—his daughter, Francesca, plays the confident cool girl of the show’s teen cohort—and his eyes widen. “That was actually a really stressful day,” he divulges. Still, he revels in the memory, speaking so fast it’s like someone has put him on 2.5x speed as he shows off his impersonation of Guadagnino. The director was so nervous about Scorsese’s presence that production halted that day.

“Luca was like, ‘I cannot do this today because Martin Scorsese is on my set. I don’t know what to do, this is not good for me. I will have a panic attack before the day ends,’” Grazer says in his best Italian accent. “It’s like if you’re a painter and Van Gogh shows up.” 

Admittedly, Grazer is also a self-proclaimed superfan of the Wolf of Wall Street director, and afterwards, he got to spend several days with his idol, as they went on lavish restaurant outings in Italy and talked about anything and everything.

He takes a second to compose himself. A giddy, Cheshire cat smile spreads across his face. The kid in him comes flooding back.

“...Oh my god!” he yells. “I met Martin Scorsese!”

[onestowatch]

For Louyah, One Viral TikTok and His Closest Friends Changed Everything [Q&A]

It's a tale as old as time; through the power of friendship and the internet, Staten Island-born singer-songwriter and producer Louis Attillio Vigorito’s, better known as Louyah, life changed forever. In a car ride with his friends in New Jersey, the artist had the surprise of a lifetime when he realized his friends had secretly worked to get one of his singles, “I Used to Care,” played on the radio.

Eight million views and counting later, the 25-year-old has proven his versatility as an artist and established himself as an impressive rising talent. Raised in South New Jersey, Louyah entered the music scene as a vocalist and guitarist in metal bands Premonition and Idle Minds. After six years as a band member, he took the plunge and launched his solo career. Rather than focusing on one genre, Louyah’s strength lies in incorporating an eclectic yet balanced mix of pop, rock, rap, and R&B elements.

We had the opportunity to chat with the artist about the viral, wholesome moment, how their life has changed since then, and what fans can expect next.

It's safe to say the last month has been a whirlwind for you. You went from playing in a bunch of bands to setting off on your solo career in 2019, followed by releasing your first album to now being catapulted in front of the internet. What has been the most eye-opening experience during your journey so far?

The most eye-opening thing that hit me was that, just when I was ready to move forward with the whole album and ready to say fuck it let's put something else out, out of nowhere my friends got me on the radio, and that just changed everything. It was a very "expect the unexpected" moment.

How do you spend your time now? Has anything in your life drastically changed?

I keep writing songs! I've honestly been writing a lot of music. Other than that, I've been just kind of doing the same thing. Keeping to myself and hanging out with my friends and my family. I wouldn't say anything's changed, because I'm a very family-oriented person. So, I mean, a lot of people have definitely hit me up, and I think it's awesome. Personally, though, I don't know a lot of people and, for me, it's hard to want to do a project with someone if I know I haven't met that person. I just stick with what I know in the moment. Once I'm introduced to somebody in person, then I'll feel better about it. But as far as making music with people who are hitting me up, it's... I don't know. I just blew up and you're hitting me up. It's a weird feeling.

You want to make sure the connections you make with people are genuine and authentic before you make music together.

Definitely! But as far as you know, DMs are cool. Pink Sweat$ follows me now and that made me happy. I messaged him in 2018 and I said, “You're an inspiration to me. I can't wait to work with you,” and then he followed me and I was like, no way, you just followed me and he said, “Your music's dope,” and I was like, wow, okay. But that's it. I'm not gonna ever be like, “Let's work together! Let's do XYZ.” I feel like it should naturally play its part, just like it did. And there's gonna be a time and place where I sit in a room and he's there and he'd be like, “Louyah!” and I'd be like “Pink Sweat$! Hi.” And then from there, maybe we become best friends or maybe it doesn't have to be anything more than music.

You've mentioned that you still hang out with your friends and family and that nothing in your personal life has changed. What are some things that you do to keep yourself grounded?

I enjoy watching gamers on Twitch and the people I watch are my friends. Outside of that, I spend all my time on music. I really don't do anything else. I would love to travel and music is now giving me the opportunity to travel. Like I've never owned a car. I'm 25 and I've spent my whole life working for this moment. This is all I've ever wanted, and I'm ready for it and I've been ready for it. I've been ready to just accept everything that's happening right now. 

If you could leave tomorrow, where would you go?

Japan. Catch me in Tokyo. I just think the culture is beautiful. I think everything's beautiful. I will respect it. I will love it. I will enjoy it. And I just want to see all the cool shops that they have. I want to see all the interesting foods that they make. I think the way they present things is just insane to me, and I would love love, love, love, love, love to go to Tokyo and take some cool photos at night with all the neon signs and just absorb the environment.

Now that you're working on your next record, can you tell me more about the evolution of Louyah and your creative process?

So young Louyah, just Louis. There was no Louyah. I was a 16-year-old kid that loved metal music, so I picked up the guitar and started playing. I then joined the band as a guitarist and after that band broke up, I was a vocalist, so I screamed at people for a little bit and that was interesting. There was a whole metal scene community that loved our band and what we talked about. We talked about a lot of heartfelt things.

Heartfelt things like what?

I talked about my father's struggle with addiction. And that was a big part of my life before I even ventured into Louyah. The band and I were helping people that were not able to talk about those things and just be open and be honest. I would do this thing where I would have everybody close their eyes at my show, and I would say, “Raise your hand if you're struggling with addiction.” Everybody would close their eyes and you would be so surprised at how many people raised their hands. And then I would have everybody open their eyes and I'd be like, “Alright, now look around you. What do you see?” I've watched people just start crying, because they're like, “Oh, my God, my friend is standing right next to me. And he has an addiction. And I didn't know that.” My whole thing was just being a part of that community, helping people in those realms because that was a big struggle of my life. Through my father, and me, my two brothers, my whole family, we all struggled in that. Once that had kind of cleared up, I stopped doing the band stuff. A few of the people were getting older. Some are married, some had kids. I was looking for something else to do. I didn't want to do the five-member band thing, I wanted to just do something that was a little bit more solo. So, I started Louyah.

And how was that change for you? Was it difficult setting off on your own?

That was a big change for me, because I did listen to hip-hop. I was a fan of hip-hop, I love Biggie Smalls. My parents showed me older stuff, but my brother was constantly recommending artists to check out that he thought were cool. And he was like, “Well if you're going to do hip-hop, you should do it the way you want to do it,” because I was a little on the fence about doing it. He just told me to do it the way I want to do it and see how that works. So, I've been using that method. I've been doing it the way I've wanted to do it this whole time and that's working out well. I'm still technically in a band because I work with a whole group of people. Is the band all on stage with me? No. But I think they all play a really big part just like any other band would. That's my band of brothers. One of them has been my best friend since first grade. He makes all my music videos, he does my graphic design content, and he’s also my live drummer. I remember being young and being like, “yo, we're gonna work together, one day we're gonna be in a band together....” and we are now.

Is he one of the friends that got you on the radio in that TikTok clip?

No, he wasn't one of the friends that were in the car. The reason why I put “friends” is because those guys are basically my best friends and also more or less family. But behind me in the car was my little cousin Young Pwavy. And then behind the driver is my friend Gervs. He's actually on the album. He is such a talented singer. And the person that is driving is actually my brother. All three of them went ahead to just put a smile on my face when I needed it and they knew I needed it, because I dropped this record, and just nothing happened. So they just were like, “Yo, you put a lot of work into this, and we see how much work you put into us,” because I record them and I help produce for them, and they just wanted to make me happy. They literally are the reason my whole life changed.

@louyah

If you don’t have friends like this you’re missing out ❤️ #radio #song #louyah #newjersey

♬ I Used to Care - Louyah

I can only imagine how much joy you must have felt in that moment.

I cried. I cried A LOT. Yeah. I cried to my mom, my brothers, I just cried. There was nothing to do but cry for like, three, four days straight. I would go on live and I didn't even know what to say. I would just cry. They would ask why I was crying and I was just like, “I'm happy.” I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I don't know.

What can we expect from the next stage of Louyah?

I think everyone’s in for a surprise.

So a polka album?

Yeah definitely. Or jazz. Snake jazz!

People would love it!

Yeah, of course! But seriously, I think people are in for a surprise. Like I said, this first album was released in February, and I was ready to move on and move forward. I changed a lot of things about Louyah. Let's just say this new stuff is leaning more towards hip-hop than it is pop and rock. It still has similar elements but it's more hip hop. I'm not changing my voice or anything that crazy. There are some cool things that I'm doing, especially with the new song “La Da Di Da” I just put out. I've been working hard. Like, I have too much. I have too much music that needs to be listened to.

I know genres are arbitrary, but would you call yourself a hip-hop artist? What would you call yourself if you had to call yourself anything?

Honestly, that's a great question but also the hardest question for me. It's so changeable because I could say hip-hop right now, but a week from now, I could say rock. And then another week from now, I could say, pop or alternative. I can even say acoustic, because I do make acoustic music too. So I think at this point, it's just music. For right now, I can’t slap a label onto it because a label will box me, and I do not want to be boxed in any way.

What do you want to manifest for yourself in the year to come as an artist and as a person?

First and foremost, a house for my mom and a house for my dad. Also, a place to be more creative that has more room for the whole team that we have. That's number one, because I know that needs to happen. As for other manifestations, I want diamond records. I want plaques. I want to do US tours. God, I want to tour. I love touring, and I love traveling. I want to do sold-out shows. I want to sing in front of thousands and thousands and thousands of people that just all are connecting with me in that single moment, because that always felt like a very surreal moment, and I had just a short little taste of that at my own sold-out show for five hundred to six hundred people. 

I want to work with Post Malone. I want to work with Don Toliver. I want to work with JACKBOYS, Cactus Jack, and so many others. But these are big-name artists. On the real low, I've manifested the actual people that I love working with, which are Gervs, Young Pwavy, my friend Alec, and Kevin. Oh, and Dakun. I can't forget Dakun. Dakun mixes and masters everything and produces with me. I can't forget Dakun. All of those people I have manifested. I really did manifest everything I've wanted, and now it's just opened to more wants and more needs. So I'm excited to see what else comes of those things because, at this point, I don't even know what could happen tomorrow. There's something new every day.

[ehstarwar]

and nothing brings me all things (reylo drabble)

Rey could watch more TikToks or play more Animal Crossing or try another disastrous Pinterest recipe or re-read her favorite Galaxy Battles fan fic. Puzzles were a good way to kill a few hours. She had at least three episodes to catch up on with Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

And while all of these were valid options, the most appealing was the one Rey did most often: bother Ben.

-

Rey and Ben are stuck in quarantine and Rey's solution to boredom is being clingy af. (Ben absolutely does not mind.)

-

Rating: Explicit

Word Count: 4.2K

Read on AO3

Notes: hello all! here is another quarantine induced drabble that i did to fill the void of not being able to go to Galaxy's Edge whenever i please. enjoy 

( ˊᵕˋ )♡

(also, get chu a soft!freak like Ben)

-

It’s not that Rey has nothing to do. There is plenty to do. She could do laundry or re-organize the pantry or change out the air filters or clean out her closet. She could also watch more TikToks or play more Animal Crossing or try another disastrous Pinterest recipe or re-read her favorite Galaxy Battles fan fic.

It’s just that she’s done it all. For the past three weeks. Ad nauseam.

As she sits a one of the bar stools, looking over the staunchly white kitchen, (because Ben had insisted that a gourmet kitchen should be all white), she thinks of the activities that would take up the most time. 

Puzzles were a good way to kill a few hours. She had at least three episodes to catch up on with Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Leia did get her the basket of french skin care products that she should would have to use google translate to figure out what each one was for. Animal Crossing was a good distraction for the first two weeks of quarantine, but even scamming poor, old Tom Nook out of bells didn’t have the same appeal three weeks in.

And while all of these were valid options, the most appealing was the one Rey did most often: bother Ben.

Her beautiful, stoic, fuckable redwood of a boyfriend who was lucky enough to actually work from home. One of the benefits of being a lawyer was that the majority of paperwork and emails and meeting’s Ben dealt with regularly could all be easily made available at home. The office that Rey had insisted on for him was finally being put to good use months after they finally moved into their renovated apartment. 

What had been a place to put Bens’ libraries’ worth of books and various awards and achievements was finally getting some good use out of it. Which is more than Rey could say for herself. Han made the difficult decision to close the auto shop the same day Leia sent everyone at the publishing company to work from home (including Ben) and Rey tried not to be bitter about it. 

It was for her safety, and everyone else, and she understood why it was being done. Han had even begrudgingly admitted that fear of Ben chopping his head off would have probably meant that Rey wouldn’t have been working even if the shop had remained open. 

It was the most common story these days, and Rey was grateful that Ben was still working all while being home and safe.

But fuck all if she wasn’t bored. 

Rey decided that two hours in between annoying Ben was enough time for him not to be mad that she was back to do it again. (But Ben never got mad at Rey for long.) She stepped quietly down the hall, knocking slightly on the door while opening it to Bens’ study.

Ben had is attention on his computer, typing away, not needing to even look at Rey to guess why she was here.

“Bored already, my love?” He asked. Rey entered the room all the way, but still stood by the door in case she needed to make a speedy getaway.

“Just wanted to see what you were doing in here.”

“The same thing I was doing the last three times you asked me that.” Only then does Ben spare a glance at his girlfriend, raising his eyebrow while a slight smirk adorned his lips.

“All is well in the legal world of publishing? No damn plagiarist trying to pass off as Shakespeare these days?” She asks, fiddling with some items on his desk as she steps further into the room. 

“I haven’t come across any lately. But I’ll keep my eye out.” She hums her response before turning towards the gigantic book case that covers the entire of one wall.

“May I borrow a book?” She asks, running her hands along the spines of the shelf closest to her reach.

“Of course, my love.”

She grazes titles, avoiding the large volumes of legal names that she’s not sure she could pronounce if asked, heading to the smaller but more worn shelf of fiction titles that are more her speed. 

It’s nice, Rey realizes after a minute. Sharing the same space with him, neither of them intruding or unwelcome. She likes hearing the tapping of keys behind her, knowing that Ben is absorbed in whatever project he’s focused on now. She has half a mind to not even pick a book, just look at the rows of titles so that she may stretch out this oddly calm time together with Ben. Not that its in short supply these days, but its always nice in a different context. 

She plucks out the copy of Pride & Prejudice, a read she’s made many times but loves nonetheless, before making her way out the door and into their living room. 

“Babe,” Ben calls out for her and she stops just before closing the door, and turns back to him. He is fully looking at her now, eyes big and lips pouting. When realization of what he wants washes over her, she feels less silly for wanting to annoy Ben. 

Rey walks over to him, pressing a sweet but firm kiss on his impossibly plush lips, fulfilling his silent request. When the kiss ends, Rey goes back to walk out and Ben turns back to the monitor without any fuss. 

Maybe Ben needed some attention just as much as Rey did. 

-

Rey tossed and turned in her bed, finding no comfortable position. It’d been like this for the past hour, but Rey was too stubborn to give up on her nap. She moved and crouched until the evident failure of her mid-afternoon power nap became so frustrating, she screamed into her pillow. 

Four weeks of quarantine and the boredom was enough to make Rey go nuts. She wasn’t someone who needed to leave her house often; she wanted to spend more time in the new apartment after they moved in, she just didn’t expect to spend this much time here.

Rey sighs as she opens her eyes, taking in her surroundings. Its the perfect mix of elements for Peak Afternoon Nap; freshly washed sheets, thunderstorms outside, BiBi balled up at the foot of the bed. All this, and yet, no magic nap.

Well, there was one element missing…

But said element was dutifully working after taking a long weekend to help cure Reys’ boredom. Going to him now and asking to lay down with her just so she could take a nap seemed kind of silly (even though Ben would do it).

They had formed something of a routine the past few days. Rey would wander into his office to find a book to read for the afternoon, spend some time asking inane questions that really didn’t deserve attention, then kiss Ben before heading out to read the first chapter of chosen book before abandoning it for something else. 

It was a nice, sweet ritual that Rey looked forward to everyday, but that had already occurred on this day. The upside down cover of This Side of Paradise sat on her bedside table, next to her Nintendo switch. She thought fondly of this morning, Ben waking her slowly to remind her that she should get up before noon so she had enough time to buy turnips. Ben tells Rey he loves her in so many ways that sometimes Rey gets so overwhelmed with love that she physically aches. 

She thinks that might be what she’s feeling right now, and she desperately wants to march into his office and tell him how much she loves him to try and find some semblance of balance, but she shouldn’t.

She shouldn’t march, at least.

She’ll quietly come in and give him another sweet kiss that is better than any piece of chocolate she’s ever had and tell him how much she loves him then allow him to get on with his work. It’s a good plan. Fool-proof. She can totally do it.

Except when she slowly walks in to his office to watch him type away, she thinks that a simple kiss and ‘I love you’ won’t do justice. So, as unobtrusive as humanly possible, Rey slides into his lap, facing him, legs around the side of his chair, and face resting in the crook of his neck.

Ben doesn’t say anything. In fact, he doesn’t even move. Just allows Rey to adjust herself around him like a koala bear to a tree. When she finally situates herself in a comfortable position, completely flush together, Ben speaks.

“Rey?”

She hums against his skin.

“Are you alright, my love?”

The deep rumble of his chest when he speaks is probably her second favorite sensation in the world. The first being when he makes her come so hard that she blacks out. 

“I decided that I love you very much and this seemed like the most effective way to tell you.” She’s glad that Ben can’t see her face right now; he’d see the blush undoubtably spread across her cheeks.

“Ah,” He says. She thinks for a minute that Ben might indulge her before carefully peeling herself off fo him, citing work to be done as reasons for ending their entanglement. It would be perfectly valid and totally understandable and Rey wouldn’t be upset with him because she’s an adult who doesn’t need constant coddling.

But, oh, how she loves that he doesn't. 

She feels Ben scoot the chair closer to the desk, then hears the tapping of the computer begin again. Ben continues on working, either not caring or not minding that Rey is in his lap. She waits for a few minutes, still thinking he might kick her off him, but when that never comes, she allows herself to relax further.

Her arms go to encircle his stomach as she burrows herself further into him. Bens’ only way of response is a pressed kiss to her temple as he continues to type away.

-

Rey isn’t sure what lulls her to sleep, either the white noise of rain or her endless boredom, but she does know that she wakes up to Bens’ hands rubbing circles against her back and his mouth humming her name into her skin.

“Rey..” He mumbles, between kisses on her neck. She really comes to then, realizing her mouth is open and a small wet spot of drool had formed on his shoulder. Her eyes blink open as she leans back to look at him. 

Ben trails his kisses up her jaw, to the side of her mouth, not minding the dried drool there. 

“What time is it?” She asked, voice groggy from sleep.

“5:30,” He responds, causing Rey to go rigid.

“5:30? I slept for two hours?” She gasps, pulling back to look at Ben. He shrugs, and pushes some hair behind her ear. “Why didn’t you wake me? You legs must be killing you by now!”

She goes to get off him, but Ben keeps her tight against him and leans down to continue kissing her face.

“I liked having you with me. It was… comforting.”

Rey ‘humphs’ indignantly. 

“I feel bad now. I slept literally on top of you while you worked. I am the definition of a slug.”

Ben chuckles against her skin. “We are doing our civic duty by staying inside. I get rewarded with having you in my lap for the majority of the time. I think its a pretty sweet deal.”

Rey grumbles something like ‘too sweet’  while leaning into his kisses. 

“Plus,” he adds, “I’m going to wear you out tonight, so I figured you could use a little nap today.”

-

It becomes their thing. She doesn’t always stay in his lap for such a long time, even though Ben wouldn’t mind, but she spends at least some time there everyday. 

Ben never chides her away or make it difficult for her, just opens his arms whenever Rey comes into his office. She brings activities sometimes, mostly her switch or a book, things that won’t distract Ben from his work any more than she already is. If she falls asleep, Ben doesn’t wake her until his day is done and he logs off. Sometimes she pretends to be asleep just so she can feel Ben wake her up with sweet kisses.

It becomes such a comfort to her, that she’s honestly a little bummed out when Han gives them a call to say he might re-open the shop soon. She tries to sound enthusiastic about it, but can’t help but think about how she won’t get to spend half the day curled up in Bens’ lap. 

When Rey’s face doesn’t light up at the prospect of going back to work, Ben knows somethings wrong. He doesn’t bring it up until they’re both in bed, curled together and freshly exfoliated by his mothers salicylic acid peel that she’d given Rey.

“I’m happy to be going back to work, really, it’s just…” Rey struggles to find the words that won’t make her seem like a petulant child.

“You’ll miss our afternoon cuddle session?” He finishes for her. She thinks Bens’ superpower is being able to talk about the most trivial of things without being condescending. She loves him even more for it. 

“It’s just so nice! Spending that time together, physically together. Its so intimate and special to me. It’ll be hard to see that end.” She burrows closer to him, and Ben just wraps her in his embrace. 

“I could always come down to the shop for lunch? It’s really not that far away, and-”

“Benjamin Chewbacca Solo, you will not spend half you lunch time commuting just so you can cuddle with me for a few minutes. While the gesture is incredibly sweet, it would just make me feel like shit for making you do it.”

She can feel his frown even if she can’t see it. 

“It’s not like I don’t enjoy it, too. This may be shocking, but I like having you in my lap. You’re like a… weighted blanket, or comfort vests.” Rey snorts against his chest, muffling her laughter.

“That’s a very nice way of putting it, darling.”  She imagines what they must look like, draped together in a shapeless blob.

Ben grumbles now. “Maybe not all the time… but I’d still do it.”

-

“Ben?” She asks, the first she’s spoken in well over an hour.

“Hm?”

“Are you watching porn?”

“What?”

“Are you watching porn right now?”

“No?”

“Well then what are you doing?”

“Organizing my email? Babe, are you okay?”

Rey stifles a laugh against his neck.

“You’re getting hard from organizing you emails?” Ben doesn’t miss the teasing lilt in her voice.

Ben gives a gruff ‘no’, but Rey continues to laugh anyway. 

“Well, you’re defiantly getting hard.” She experimentally rocks her hips to his, feeling the ever-growing length of him. 

“I happen to have a very squirmy girlfriend in my lap who like to tease too much.”

“Hmmm, I think it’s the organizing that’s doing it.”

The tapping on his keyboard gets a little stronger as he ignores her jibe, so Rey just continually rubs against him, feeling him twitch though his sweatpants. She kisses the underside of his jaw, working her way up to behind his ear, a spot that he’d previously described as his achilles heel.

“Rey,” Ben says, voice warning her. She ignores him and continues her assault. The clicking has ceased all together, and Rey feels him breath heavier. She trails her hand down his torso before dipping into the band of his pants and pulling him out. The whole foregoing underwear during quarantine is truly one of the greatest gifts she could receive. 

He is hot and hard in her hand, twitching as she begins working her hand around his length. Rey swirls the beaded precome over his head, and Bens’ hands grab as her ass, hard. She feels so powerful like this, feeling his body constrict in pleasure beneath her, know that she’s the cause.

Well, her and organizing his email.

“Do you like this, baby? Like when I’m in your lap and I do this?” She nips his earlobe.

“Unnnnf… yes, baby,” he huffs. She works him faster now, feeling his hips start to jerk on the on volition. She rocks against him, still, not to get herself off, but just to make Ben go a little out of his mind. His palms kneed her butt, stretching her yoga pants to the maximum limit. 

“You gonna come like this for me? You gonna come in your lap and make me sit in it, wishing it was in me instead of on me?”

Ben is past the point of coherent words, just grunts frantic nods as his orgasm approaches. She speeds up, using one hand to jerk him while the other plays with his balls. Rey mouths at his neck, sucking and biting him, wanting to leave little, purple marks wherever her mouth can reach. 

Ben comes with a strangled grunt, spilling hotly between them. Most of his come drips down her hand as she works him, still, but she feels a hot splash across her chin. She pays it no mind, just continues to pepper kisses along his skin. 

Bens’ head is thrown back as he comes down from his high, and he slowly lifts it back up as his breathing returns to normal. Rey pulls back from against him. Bringing her hand up to lick the come coating it. His gaze becomes dark when he sees what she’s doing.

“Wear a skirt, next time.” His voice is low and a little breathless, sending a chill though Reys’ spine. 

“Or… nothing at all.” 

Rey smiles at him as she continues to suck her fingers.

-

Their routine changes once again, but Rey can’t find the heart to complain. Not when she’s being so thoroughly seen to by Ben. 

Sometimes its a slow, building thing, that they draw out until either one of them breaks from desire. Sometimes its fast and rough, and Rey always feels a little dirty after it. Ben occasionally is content to let Rey bounce on his dick, taking her pleasure from him in any way he can give it to her. Other times, Ben fucks her against the desk, keyboard digging into her back as he pounds into her, relentless and untamed. 

She asks him after one session, come oozing out of her and back onto his lap, if his work suffers from it at all.

“My productivity has increased by 27% since I’ve started working from home.”

Rey fucks him twice the next day to congratulate him.

-

The first day she’s back at work isn’t as bad as she thought.  

It’s really, really nice to see Han and Chewie, even if they must maintain a six foot distance. When she expresses her deference to this and tries to hug Han, he hold up a drill at her, effectively stopping her.

“Kid, if you get sick under my watch, my son will defiantly set my car on fire, with me in it! He told me so, in a very strongly worded text that any god-fearing adult would be wise to abide by.”

Rey rolls her eyes, but she knows her boyfriend. She chooses not to risk Han’s life.

-

Once the novelty of being back out in the world wears off, Rey can’t help but feel a little miffed. Ben is still working from home, and trying desperately to make that a full time thing, because he is literally mauled by Rey when she comes home. 

As soon as she steps through their threshold, Rey is on Ben like they haven’t seen each other in days. Never-mind the fact that they have sex every night. And every morning. And usually get each other off after breakfast. 

Even just a few weeks of getting hot office sex has spoiled Rey for life; she’s honestly not sure if she’ll survive not being in quarantine. And to think she once thought she was bored.

“My offer still stands, you know,” He tells her one evening. He’s staring the pasta while she is attached to his backside like a leech. “I can come to the shop during lunch if you miss me that bad.”

She groans against his shirt. “That’s so silly of me though! I should be able to go a few hours without seeing you! There are so many memes about couples who want to slit each others throats after spending so much time together, and I can barely work a full shift without needing to jump you as soon as I see you!”

 Ben just stirs the pasta and rubs her harms around his midsection. 

“I can tell my dad to let you work from home.” She laughs against him.

“I don’t know if you recall, but I physically can’t work from home. It’s how we got into this predicament to begin with.” Ben hums in acknowledgement, and Rey just knows he’s thinking of alternatives.

“You could just FaceTime people who need to fix their cars and explain what they need to do. Probably safer that way, too,” he offers. 

“Its got merit,” Rey starts, “But I usually need to get into the car to figure out what’s wrong. Plus, I don’t think it would actually be a good idea for us both to work from home.”

“Why not?” Ben spins around, looking down at her with a pout that she can never resist. 

“If we both work from home, we would never step outside this apartment again. Or wear clothes! We’d become wild people, who rut nonstop and have to be chained apart just so others could speak to us.”

“I don’t see any real downside to that.” Rey slaps his chest playfully and he laughs down at her, pressing a sweet kiss to the top of her forehead. “Fine, fine!” He concedes. “Just promise me one thing.”

Rey tilts her head up, waiting for Ben to continue.

“You’ll at least work from home when we have kids.” 

She narrows her eyes at him.

“Just while I’m pregnant.”

“And at least three months after.”

“Deal.”

-

-

“Did you get that file that I sent over around two?” Ben asks.

“The one about Ackbar’s book?” Leia questions.

“Yeah.”

“Yes, I’ve already forwarded it onto Holdo.”

“Okay, good, just checking. Thats all I had for today. I’ll wrap up the memo tomorrow and send it over before lunch.”

“Sounds good, Ben. But aren’t you forgetting something?” Leia’s tone implies that he is, in fact, forgetting something mildly important but nothing work related comes to mind. It isn’t until  chubby little fingers grab at his sleeve that Ben realizes what his mother is asking for.

“Oh, sorry,” Ben puts the phone on speaker before lowering it to his chest. “Isobel, can you say hi to grandma?” 

His daughter makes a babbling noise of glee that makes his mother coo. 

“Awww, hi sweetie! G-ma will be over on Sunday for dinner! Can wait to see you, pumpkin!” She baby talks through the phone. Ben smiles down at his daughter, nestled firmly in his lap. Her chunky hands reach for his phone, no doubt to chew on it, so he quickly grabs one of her teething mitts instead. Her little mouth works on the plastic, drool spilling out the corners of her mouth, and bright hazel eyes look back up at him. 

Ben will probably never recover from the way he feels when his daughter looks up at him and smiles. He’s okay with that.

Ben and Leia finish with their goodbyes and Ben heads to the kitchen, Isobel in tow, and starts to make dinner. More than a few people scoff when they find out it is Rey who does the dirty work in the household and Ben is the dutiful husband; cooking, cleaning, watching Isobel all day. Ben adjusted so well to working from home that he never went back to an office full time, which worked out perfectly when he and Rey found out they had a little one on the way.

It wasn’t the most usual of set ups, but it was theirs, and Ben loved it. 

Rey swept in the kitchen once she got home, adorning both his and Isobels’ face with kisses, before plucking her daughter out of the carrier Ben is hardly ever without, and resting her on her hip. 

“How was work today?” Rey asked, between blowing raspberries on Isobels freckled cheeks. 

“Usual. Mom says hi. We have dinner at my parents on Sunday, this week, not ours.” Rey hums in acknowledgement. “How was the shop?”

“Same, really. Bunch of teenagers blowing out every part on their car because they don’t know how to drive. I honestly can’t wait until someone invents teleportation; too many dummies don’t know how to drive.” Rey makes an exaggerated frowning face, causing Isobel to laugh as her little fingers to to feel mama’s face. 

“Why don’t you just invent it. Teleportation, I mean. That way you could retire early,” Ben gives her a smirk as he looks at Rey over his shoulder. 

“Hmmm… would be less greasy,” Rey pretends to ponder. “What do you think, Bel-bel? Should Mama just finish the most technological advancement in human history so she can retire early?” Isobel babbled happily in her mothers arms, making them both laugh. 

“Sounds like yes to me,” Ben shrugs, making Rey laugh harder. 

Ben looked at the sight, his wife and daughter happy and laughing, and thinks he may have found paradise.

-

come say hi on twitter!

[isa-ly]

OH MY, WHAT’S THIS?

TW: mental health, therapy

Golly gosh, has she really gone and made yet another god damn blog? Yes. Yes she has.

Let me explain myself. I know this is probably like what, my tenth or eleventh online blog that I’ve made now? You would think that I would have a huge and dedicated reader base by the rate and ferocity I create these blogs with, but well, since I forget about every .tumblr.com and .wordpress.com after about a month or two, it comes to no surprise that these unattended digital corpse-pages don’t really have many readers. Should maybe give them a proper burial by hitting that delete button and letting them move on to the afterlife of 1′s and 0′s. But since I don’t even remember half the URLs I came up with, they’re probably just gonna keep peacefully existing in the graveyard that is the the forgotten blog section of the internet.

So. Why another one? Why add onto the pile of aesthetic yet virtually empty “personal” websites?

I’m just going to tell you what my therapist told me: “It seems like you have so many thoughts in your head, it probably feels like exploding.”

Don’t worry, I’m not saying that I’m Miss Big Juicy Brain and too smart for my own good – that’s not what my lovely therapist meant either. The reason she said that to me was because in our latest session, she had asked me to give her a quick rundown of what goes through my head whenever anything emotionally triggering happens to me. I had then proceeded to talk for twenty whole minutes (there go twenty whole bucks, thanks a lot, non-existing public mental healthcare system) about what happened in my old noggin whenever ~A Feeling~ occurred. And I described it in such excruciating detail that I think she stopped taking notes halfway through and just zoned out. Can’t blame ya, Kerstin, twenty minutes of incohesive rambling doesn’t really meet the expectation of a “quick rundown”. Sorry for that.

Anyway, we then proceeded to talk about overthinking, as we have done a million times before. And, as we have also done a million times before, we came to the conclusion that my inner monologue resembles a thirty-meter death-ride water slide, when it comes to the velocity and severity of how fast and far I tend to spiral with my own thoughts.

Now, don’t worry, by now I’ve been in therapy for long enough to know how to safely land back on the floor. However, I did agree with my therapist that my intense introspection does sometimes compromise me in my day to day life, as I will spend days on end in my own head rather than in the world that lies outside of it. That then usually leads to self-isolation and that, in return, leads to even more introspection. Hooray, to unhealthy processing mechanisms!

Alright, enough self-deprication. Basically, the conclusion I came to in that session, was that I’m pretty much the exact opposite of the “no thoughts, head empty” meme. For me, it’s more like “all thoughts, head explode”. And while I’ve been trying to get better at sharing face-to-face what’s going on in my head, I don’t always have the energy to text, call or meet friends and make my brain form words that my mouth then says out loud (which, I realize, is also known as talking). 

I have made progress in that direction but ironically, these thought spirals tend to be the exact reason why I sometimes get into the bad mindset of thinking “Ugh, why even bother sharing? It’s already exhausting enough to just think it. Talking and explaining will be even harder.” And I know that that is not entirely true but listen, change comes in waves and you can’t battle all your inner demons at once. It is important to choose your battles accordingly to your strengths.

So, that is what I’m doing. I am choosing a battle by making a compromise. And making a blog. 

God, how awfully millenial of me. What’s next? A TikTok account where I ironically document my panic attacks over the sounds of Jason Deulos’ ‘Savage Love’? (Hold on, just gonna note that idea down for later...)

Seriously, I realize that this has a certain bobo-esque, self-absorbed cringe vibe to it (did I really just say vibe, this is worse than I thought). However, I also care for and know myself well enough that I tend to downplay and ridicule the fact that I really do have a massive stick up my ass when it comes to talking about my emotions, my traumas and all those pesky, invasive thoughts. And that’s why Kerstin and me came up with the idea of me simply making a blog where I can dump all my thoughts whenever it feels like they are getting too much.

This is obviously not the first time that someone thought of jutting down what’s going through their head. I am self-aware enough to know that I didn’t invent the concept of writing about my life and inner turmoil. YouTubers and ex-Vine stars already did that before me, just look at the list of New York Times Bestselling Authors and you’ll see it for yourself. And if Gabbie Hannah can publish her own poetry book (never forget “Link ... in Bio”), I can damn well make another unknown blog where I share what seems to have gotten stuck somewhere on the way from my brain to my mouth.

Sorry, by the way, if nobody got those weird references. Whenever I’m not busy bashing my overthinking head against the metaphorical wall of fear of my sharing emotions, I spend most of my time watching drama channels explain why yet another book published by yet another unproportionally famous vlogger is yet again unsurprisingly shit. But that’s not the point of this first blog entry, so let’s let the money-hungry world of YouTubers performing figurative self-fellatio rest.

Bottom line: I need to get better at talking. To people other than my therapist, that is. Because frankly, if that poor woman has to listen to even more twenty minute rants of me dissecting my own broken psyche, she’s probably gonna quit her job and then I officially have no one left to chew through my issues with. And that would be quite unfortunate for everyone involved.

So, I want to practice. Try out the whole brain-to-mouth thing, but in a less confrontational way, by making it a brain-to-keyboard thing first. And not just that, I want to make an active effort in setting myself reminders that no matter how deep and lost I am in my own overthinking patterns, I can always put a stop to it and just spew it out onto virtual paper. To get it out of my system, manifest it into something more physical, read through it, recognize what’s lacking and what I need to change and lastly, editing it into something that makes more sense to me and also others. 

In summary, this is kind of just me making my own “How To Talk About Emotions – For Dummies” guide. I expect no one to read all of what me and my sore yet hyperactive mind come up with, but I still gladly invite you to, should you care to see what that looks like. I apologize in advance though, I do tend to over-dramatize and under-estimate the way and amount I write about most things, including my own feelings. 

But hey, maybe by writing this blog somewhat close to regularly, I’ll also figure out a way to talk about my emotions in a way that isn’t filled with unnecessarily smart-assy Big Dictionary Words and pop culture references barely anyone understands. Let’s hope for the best.

After it now took me exactly 1.291 words to explain what could have been explained in about two sentences, I’m finally gonna shut up. “Thank the Lord”, I hear you say. Or ... maybe that’s just my overthinker voice and fear of vulnerability that heard you say that? Kerstin would probably smile and nod proudly now. Gold star for me, yay. Just kidding, I never get any cool stickers for my achievements. Honestly, that whole therapy thing is way less fun than I thought it would be, I just want a stamp that says “Great job!” or “Super cool!” every now and then. Is that too much to ask? Okay, I think I see now what she meant when she said that I seem to secretly rely on the approval of others for personal successes so I can compensate the fact that I never give myself any credit for them.

Phew, that whole writing things down idea seems to already pay off. But okay, enough self-revelations for today. I have no idea how often I will actually write on here and even less of an idea what the topics will be. However, I will always include tags and trigger warnings, so that if there actually is someone who reads through it, they can know what each post is about.

So, yeah. That’s it for now. Brain-to-keyboard to you soon. (Get it, that’s my way of saying talk to you soon, because– okay, yeah, you got it. Right.)

P.S.: Yes, the name of the blog is a pun, let me live a little.