#i tried to articulate it but some of the concepts didn't want to become words

[bookwyrminspiration]

WAIT. I'm late to the party but I just remembered all those anons were sending in "why I send you asks" and their reasons and I actually really want to participate, so I hope you will accept late applications?

The reason I send you so many asks is because you've just...built such a nice feeling that anything can be discussed, and it's never too niche or cringy or boring, and that's really relieving and amazing.

I'm sure you (along with many others) have realized by now, but I suffer from....really bad anxiety, both social anxiety and just in general, and it very often gets in the way of my life. Because of this and past experiences, I'm always very scared and hesitant to talk about my interests and my thoughts on anything.

But every time I've sent you an ask, even if it was, in retrospect, probably really annoying to read through the one hundred "sorry"s and "my bad"s, you've always been nothing but kind and interested in my ideas, and that was just...so surprising. Because I never really knew anyone who was willing to talk about anything, and it was just...really amazing to meet someone who was! Especially because I love and am interested in so many different things and kind of need someone to bounce ideas at. And it was really cool to see someone that was unashamed of their own interests and thoughts, but didn't make others feel bad for having different ideas.

Every time I send you an ask, you always have something interesting to say back. Something I hadn't thought of or considered, or a query that would make me rethink my own theories, or just a very well-thought-out answer to a question. I remember sending in tons of asks about the wings AU before it was released, and writing those was probably the highlight of my day, because I knew you'd take them and run with the ideas, and do your best to match my energy, and I was really grateful for that. And you were always willing to dig deeper, to think "but what if there was more?" and that's just...incredible! I don't have any other word for it!

I love sending you asks because you don't dismiss an idea or deem it as stupid, and you're just...such a kind and wonderful person that can make even the most obscure subject infinitely more interesting than before, and you never fail to make me consider things again, to expand my thoughts and views, and I'm really grateful for that.

So, because it should definitely be said by now, thank you!

And, well, that's why I love sending you asks :]

- pyro

there is no timeline so there's no way to be late! and I'm answering this a few days after you sent this, so if you believe yourself to be late then we can both be late together :D. you are fully welcome to participate if you want to (which you said you did)! it was mostly just a random question I had because i'm just as analytical with myself as I am with keeper, and knowing how other perceive and think of me is helpful for that--and I was curious about how i'd aquired so many asks so quickly, and then you all just turned it into complimenting quil hours for some reason !! (but on to your ask before I get even more distracted)

(note from a quil who has answered all of this: got very long so that's why there's a readmore! i love you /p)

this means so much to me--specifically your use of "built" because I do try pretty hard to maintain a positive atmosphere and welcome everyone in and treat everyone with the same attention. it didn't just fall into place, i try to be encouraging to everyone and support all the amazing work--art, writing, ideas, etc--I see from people. (note: i've been wanting to do a thing where I ask for fic/art/other recommendations from others (can be friends or their own) so i can go through and reblog a bunch of them with comments and the like, I just want to get through more of my asks before I start something like that). But you're right--nothing is too niche! there's so many details in the story it's impossible for one person to notice anything, so people bringing up the obscure and their own thoughts makes the story richer and more fleshed out for everyone else! and i think it's really cool to just see what other people focus on (like I said, my analysis isn't limited to characters, but I'm not like dissecting you all to understand each of you in a creepy way or anything. I just like to get a better sense of someone so I can respond in a way more tailored to them when we interact)

anxiety can really suck, so as someone who also has anxiety i am giving you a comforting hug if you'd like one. it genuinely impacts everything you do and think about, rewriting how you experience life. a single, inconsequential experience to someone else can literally change major aspects of how we think, which makes interactions so scary sometimes. i remember things people said years ago and still base my actions around them, but those people have absolutely no recollection of ever saying it, but just the fear of having done something wrong once permanently altered my thinking. (this is not to make this about me, I'm just trying to show I understand by sharing an experience of my own).

reading through all your "i'm sorry"s and "my bad"s wasn't annoying and never will be. you have never had anything to apologize for, and I know that sometimes you feel you need to enter a conversation and first apologize for being there, but I'm thrilled to have you here and always love seeing you in my inbox. I don't know how to articulate this properly, but I'm going to try. i saw your apologies and your apprehension as...a puzzle? that's absolutely not the right word but I can't think of the right one so please let me explain (I don't mean to imply you're like something to be solved or a problem in any way. words can be difficult and I'm trying to describe something very intangible rn, so I hope this doesn't sound bad). I didn't see it as annoying (you're never annoying), I saw it like it was something to work through, and while it's not my job or anything to help other's with their personal problems, it was like if I could just provide one space where I could encourage you (not just you, but anyone) as a friend to try shifting your language and start thinking of yourself more positively, then I wanted to give that.

because I am interested in your ideas! and I want to be kind and welcoming to you! but I also want you to be kind to yourself, so any impact I've had to give anyone a safer, less scary space is really cool. I don't know if that made sense, but I'm not trying to talk down to you or anything or be like I'm this high and mighty figure harboring lost souls or something, just that connection is important and I like being there for people. kinda worried that sounded bad because it feels worded strange but I'm trying to reciprocate and say i appreciate you and am happy to talk about anything!

i love bouncing ideas back and forth and you are more than welcome to say anything and everything you're thinking about. talking to you is always an absolutely joy and I get so excited when you send me an ask and when you're reading my response, because it often feels like this like...buzz? like we're just vibing on this frequency and it makes it so much fun to throw ideas back and forth and just listen to each other talk. i am very glad to have surprised you and met you! I don't know a lot of people like myself either, so having someone like you interact with me and just go all out on these little things and what we personally like about different parts of the so much fun. a lot of the other people I know irl feel like they just scratch the surface, they say things just to get credit for it and to appear like they know what they're talking about while ignoring all these other things that have such an impact, so it's amazing to have found someone else who looks at everything and anything like I do. my brain really is "a little bit of everything all of the time" so knowing you have so many different interests too is really cool. i am giving you an internet high five and pretending you aren't so far away.

I spent so much of my life being quiet when I had so many thoughts, so now that I have this kind of outlet I just! want to say everything I can! i want to look at everything from every perspective possible! the world is a huge collection of things tied together and I love following the strings to find the connected pieces! but I think that's a way of approaching the world not a lot of people share (I could be wrong), so it's really cool to hear you think my thought process is interesting!! my brain is practically composed entirely of questions. any subject at any time of the day and nearly all of my thoughts are just wanting to know more and trying to understand things, so having that opportunity to ask further questions and just learn things (about what other's thing, how things work, etc) is so much fun. you might've seen me ask some questions of other's in a few of the asks I answer, but those barely scratch the surface of just how many I have. my handle is in_quil_sitive (inquisitve) on nearly every social media platform (except for this one) for a reason.

I remember some of your asks from before the wings au was published, too. those were absolutely incredible, and I got a rush of excitement every time I saw you sent another. those were the the highlight of my week, too!! your enthusiasm and excitement for something I hadn't even posted yet gave me so much motivation to continue and you helped me think through so many future ideas and consider things from new perspectives. i know i specifically wrote that you inspired one chapter in the notes, but you've had an impact on every single chapter of this story/ it wouldn't be what it is without you, and I mean that with complete sincerity. you were the one who made me think "what if there was more" so I could make this au even better and work towards something bigger. I just have so many thoughts about everything all of the time, I can't go more than a few minutes without being distracted by a different train of thought, but knowing there was someone who would want to hear all the weird, disjointed ideas i'd strung together and composed into a more cohesive format was so cool. there's just so much to think about!!

I probably sound repetitive at this point but I love answering your asks because you're so receptive to the way i say things and it's like you're actually listening and want to hear what I specifically have to say, not just the general ideas. you want to know my unique, personalized opinions and perspectives and don't just dismiss them when they're not what you expect to hear or aren't generic. you're incredibly kind, too, I hope you know. I love the description of how I can "make even the most obscure subject infinitely more interesting than before." that is such a meaningful compliment to me. I just keep thinking about this line over and over again and it just...it really means a lot. because you're saying it's me that interests you and not just what I talk about. I could talk about anything and you'd still want to interact with me and that's so fucking nice. I hope you know the same goes for you. we can challenge each other's thinking together and make things even deeper and more complex before together <33.

thank you for being here and being my friend, pyro. talking to you is always one of the highlights of my day and gives me a very positive feeling that I carry around for a while. I do this thing sometimes where I film myself to later observe my behaviors in the middle of intense emotions to understand myself better (back to that whole analysis thing again), but it's not just negative things, it's also when I'm really excited or pleased with something and jumping around and stimming and all that, and some of those are from when I interact with you. that might sound a little weird but I mean it positively, as in talking with you makes me ecstatic.

I have said. so many things. so I will stop (for now). but I really appreciate having you in my life <33

[doyouknowhowtowaltz]

Terribly sorry to pester you with my beast romance nonsense; but the angle I am sort of heading towards is a sort of Bonnie and Clyde, but instead of cash it's happiness.. I'm trying to keep the "Dante's Inferno" aspect, I know the Beast is essentially Lucifer -so this warlock comes in as a "Lilith" type. Where he wants to serve, like actually wants to keep the tree-man alive. Mostly on the grounds of thinking hope is weakness, so ultimately dying to feed tree boyfriend is like going to heaven for him I guess..this doesn't make sense lol.

This is an interesting concept! It has some very fun ideas to play around with

I'm not entirely sure from this ask and the last you sent me if the romance is one-sided or requited but both have interesting possibilities.

On the one-sided side, I could see the Beast initially brushing off the warlock, who keeps trying to get sent to an early grave, or maybe just show his affection, with the Beast eventually becoming fed up. The Beast tries to taunt while roots grow up around the warlock, something something "Look how devotion repays you." something something, but the warlock is lovestruck (You could also branch off here and maybe get into the fact that the Beast can't grow up an edelwood if he's happy leaving them stalemated, put them in a long-term game that could end happily for both or very very badly) and undaunted, succumbing to the edelwood, the warlock can make their profession of undying love, their comments about being happy to become a part of the Beast, their speech about sacrifice, whatever you write that strikes the best chord.

Then you can shift your narrative center off the warlock who's now an edelwood and depict the Beast's reaction. Maybe he's thoughtful, not having returned the affections, but intrigued, baffled even by the depth of the warlock's affection.

( Long dark fingers traced the seams where bark bled into a twisted face, the gouges in the tree carved into something almost peaceful. They pause at the place that wood warps into what might be a wan smile, lingering over lips that might once have kissed the hand that strayed there now with deepest devotion. "Curious," The word is barely a whisper in the brittle air, and the hand steals away, hidden within a shroud of furs. The snow quickly fills in retreating footsteps and shores up against the sturdy roots, water sinking down into the soil to offer its strength to the young tree. The Beast does not return for a long time)

Maybe even throw in some hints that the Beast actually did return the affection but didn't, for whatever reason express it. Maybe he didn't recognize it until the warlock is oil, maybe he wouldn't let himself be in love with a mortal, but now that it's a tree, he pays his affection there.

As for requitted you could have a lot of fun by putting them in a situation where the Beast wants to turn the warlock into an edelwood, but can't for whatever reason (magic, the warlock just is too damn hopeful about being turned into an edelwood, what have you) and the warlock won't leave until he does, meaning they're stuck with each other. Shenanegans ensue, romance, maybe the Beast falls a tiny bit in love, maybe he falls a lot a bit in love.

Does the Beast keep trying to turn the warlock into an edelwood? As his own twisted sense of love? (Get you as close as possible and savor you) I mean, I would say he would, that's how I write he and Enoch, but you can also get a lot of mileage out of him being unwilling to grow the warlock into an edelwood. I can see the Beast doing both (hence why I've written stories with both trains of thought) for his own complex sets of reasons. It could also be interesting to explore if the Beast is able to articulate those reasons to a mortal.

Thanks for stopping by again! Keep me posted on your story!

[fandomfluffandfuck]

20, 29, 30 for ao3 wrapped ask game :)

related to this

Thanks for the ask!

20. Which work of yours have you reread the most?

I think of all the fics I wrote this year, the one I've reread the most is "Through The Clouds, I See Love Shine, Keeps Me Warm As Life Grows Colder" because it's a cute fluff-based story that's been good to calm some of my more stressful times and I've had MANY stressful times this year lol

But, of all my fics in general... I think I've probably reread "I Want To Teach You A Lesson In The Worst Kind Of Way" because I just 🤌🏻enjoy🤌🏻 masochist Bucky and spanking lmao

(Truthfully though, even those fics that I've reread the most, I haven't read that much. I don't reread my own work almost ever! I'd rather read someone else's words lol, I've always been that way, like, I like my concepts but once they're out of my head and in a story, I, more or less, forget them and move on 🤷🏻‍♂️)

29. Favorite line/passage you wrote this year?

Okay, but this is so fucking tough!

In general, I don't know if I have an all-time favorite thing I've written but also it's tough because it means I have to remember what I wrote 💀 And I am not good at remembering what I've written haha. (Maybe it's in part the habit I have moving on to the next idea, the next story near immediately or maybe I just don't have that good of a memory, I don't know lol)

If I can answer this super broadly... I think my favorite passage I wrote--as far as atmosphere creation, diction, emotion, and all of that--would be "Don't Forget To Remember Me". Like, I definitely have snippets of smut I've written in my head that I really like but... I also really, really, really like the mental images I articulated (or tried to articulate 😅) with that story.

30. Biggest surprise while writing this year?

Another tough one! Asking all the good questions I see lol

The meme answer is: wow, I was surprised that I wrote any stories that didn't contain smut! Let alone FOUR WHOLE-ASS STORIES! Who would've thought?!

And I think the more serious, "real" answer is that I'm surprised I have managed to continue writing consistently or at all.

For me, college has really, really ramped up along with my responsibilities as more things in my personal life change. Because, of course, the higher I get into my education the more shit I have to do and the more complex the work becomes. So, the fact that I've kept up with any writing at all (even though I'm not currently taking requests on Tumblr as I do during summer) isn't something I actually thought would happen 😅 I've obviously written during school before but, yeah, this year is already proving to kick my ass so I'm surprised it's still happening lol

Like, when I was looking at the "numbers" in words I've written, the number of fics, etc. for this AO3 roundup I was shocked. Like... when the hell did I do that? With what time? Huh?

[mono-dot-jpeg]

aaitl hcs - zhongli

summary; i ramble about hcs i thought of while writing "another adeptus in the line".

a/n; will i make a series out of this? idk. i would love to don't get it twisted, i strongly enjoy writing found family and child reader bc i lack family affection. however, i just think it would be hard for me to write conflict to keep it interesting.

i thought about making it an open tag for those who like this and wants to write about it. making it like a cute wholesome community thing!

but also i thought just not making the series tbh. idk if my braincell can handle making another series and keep up with my other series.

here's a poll,,, so feel free to help my indecisive ass decide

so,,, you're a dragon hybrid!! you took on a form similar to zhongli's dragon form

you have small horns growing in from the top of your head, once they grow out, they become a really brown to pretty amber orange ombre

you also have a tail! it's sort of wide at the base and then thinner at the end

it looks like an axlotl tail!! it matches the color of your hair and it also has a pretty orange ombre at the end

anyways, the story of how you became a child to zhongli

you were merely just a protector of mingyun village, meant to protect those who mined late into the night to bring riches to their family

you had no physical form but rather a spiritual one. similar to venti and his past form of an wind spirit, you took the form of dust spirit. but you didn't have any sight.

it's not like you needed sight, you could feel and hear the world around you

but it was bitter. you heard everyone in the village be happy but then, the mining village was empty

no one lived in it anymore

you were tied to the village, unable to explore the world.

while you lived as long as some other gods or immortals (though you could be considered very much younger than those gods), you knew nothing of the world you stayed in and longed for knowledge.

you wanted to see the world.

zhongli had remembered your presence in mingyun village even after all these years. he visited you.

you had told him of your struggles and your longing to really see and experience everything

"i can help you with that, little one."

he offered a contract. you would live alongside him as a hybrid, but you would have to protect liyue as you become of age to do so

you were more than happy to accept, one small problem, you didnt know what he meant by living alongside him as a hybrid

and before you knew it, you were a small dragon hybrid, not even close to 1/4 of zhongli's height and with a sudden urge to chew on something.

at first your mind was much more mature than it was in the present, but you succumbed to the child urges within you and now here you are as small child with bonking urges

yeah, when your mind was much more mature, he explained how he had transferred your age into much more simplified human years

turns out you were only 300 in spirit years, soon changing to 3 years old once the deal was made

your love language is bonks, i do not take any criticism

you just bonk your forehead against whatever you want

it gets zhongli very concerned when you just keep bonking your head against his chest sometimes

like do you want his attention? do you have a headache? he never knows

when you grow up, you become as tall as zhongli, maybe a little bit taller and it makes xiao so mad bc you tease him for it

when you first you met azhdaha and you both have this weird staring contest before you shout "big puppy!" both him and zhongli are very much confused until you start trying to climb him

please give the old man a break, he lost his gnosis, that's enough for him 😔

you get zoomies like a cat or dog and you just run around the house, trying to sound like a scary dragon yelling "roar!!" in like tiny font bc you lack the ability to be loud

not only bc you're a child, but bc you never learned how to talk as a spirit, you're really bad at speaking or articulating your words

it's really cute to zhongli when you try to say some words

hutao fucking LOVES YOU SO MUCH

she always tries to make it bring your kid to work day, just to make zhongli bring you over but he doesn't do it often

he dreads having you learn the concept of death

you never knew much about it when you were a spirit, but even if you did know, your mind was regressed into that of a child, so you barely remember your memories as a spirit.

xiao is always ready to square up with you. pls he does not care if you're a child

he calls you brat, demon, troublemaker all affectionately

you always love playing with his necklace but you have really sharp teeth once you get past the terrible twos phase, and xiao keeps a close eye on you in hopes to have you not break any beads or the blunt arrowhead on the necklace

zhongli has bite marks on his clothes bc of you

he does have some bites on his ankles too bc of you

people think he has a dog, no it's just you

ganyu can never say no to you

you want to play with her? she has the toys ready. you want her to read a bedtime story? which one, she'll even make one up if you want.

ganyu best sister. send tweet.

you have the biggest fear of the dark. child mind you doesn't understand why, but zhongli understands. you can remember the feeling of loneliness and emptiness of not having eyes to see. but of course human you has not connected those dots

you literally speed run to zhongli the moment you get scared

he's always glad to help you during those times, letting you sleep on his bed with him, telling you a story, humming a lullaby even.

you and qiqi are best friends

when you meet childe, you are like an abrasive cat to him

you literally hiss at him

he is completely scared of you

"they don't bite."

"YES THEY DO-"

childe was right on that.

anyways, eventually you bond with childe. he starts to see you as his own kin often buying you some presents whenever he can

overall there's a lot sweet hcs i could talk about all day if i wanted to, but alas, this is all i could think of

[ladyalienist]

So what happened yesterday is that I posted a rant about fatphobia in radical feminist spaces. And today I woke up finding some notes, some I had already seen yesterday but I didn't bother to reply, which I deeply regret.

Yes because I would like to offer a shoutout to that one single person who reblogged it with a series of tags that proved the point, but sadly some hours later she changed her mind and erased the tags, thus forbidding me to offer her the attention she clearly deserved. I managed to take one look at them and they were along the lines of "you're a lazy and not feminist dipshit", so luckily the concept of such a profound insight has not gotten entirely lost, even if the poetics of the wording has. Food for thought, my ladies, food for thought!

However, another reply I managed to save:

@september-morning-butch I hope you don't mind me making another post to reply to your insight, which I indeed found fascinating.

See... I find it fascinating that you automatically assumed I never once in my life spoke to a sporty person.

I was a sporty person. Some posts earlier I wrote about the sports I've tried and sometimes kept on doing for years, and since I am human and I live in a society, I also have had interaction with fitness enthusiasts, coaches and casual sporty human beings. Most of my friends hit the gym on the regular or practice some other kind of physical activity. When I have spare time I, too, do so.

Maybe I should have asked more expert sporty people. Like this man, for instance. Or this woman. Or, why not, this guy. The list goes on, and on, and on: maybe not every sport enthusiast will tell me the same things.

I find it also fascinating that you assume I do not know the criteria for a diet to be actually working. Do you by any chance think that fat people do not ever try to go on diets, or that I, personally, did never try? Because I did.

And now I will share with you what usually happens when Average Jane, who just needs to keep off those 10 kilos and then she's fine, goes on a diet-and-gym-new-lifestyle:

Average Jane decides to go to a nutritionist, who will (usually) tell her to cut all processed foods, all sugars and most carbs and invest on proteins. She then will subscribe to the gym and receive her personalized (which is usually just a standard one but let's not become too pedantic) programme. She starts the next day, full of good intentions. At first she's enthusiastic: she's finally losing those ugly ugly fat rolls! She will be in shape! Her lifestyle will be healthy and good, no more food guilt! Then, usually after a month or two, she starts noticing that the weight loss is slowing down and she's stabilizing somewhere that's not her ideal weight. Let's say she wants to weigh 50 kilos: she weighs 55 and can't seem to go under. At the same time, gym is getting increasingly tiring and she's starting to crave sugar and carbs, she dreams of full plates at night, every waking moment is spent in food obsessing. At some point she'll either understand that she needs to restrict more, and then more, and then more, in order to keep those rolls off herself, and I don't know how to tell you that this is usually called an eating disorder, or she'll give up and order takeaway one evening, gulp it down, immediately feel better, and in a year she'll have all of her previous fat back on, plus some more in most cases. Two months after she decides that after all it wasn't that bad, and goes back to the nutritionist and to the gym and the cycle restarts. This is called yo-yo dieting and it's far, far more dangerous for health than just staying fat and eating balanced meals.

Now, am I being catastrophic? A little. But I'm not making this up, I'm paraphrasing words from at least one trainer who bragged about her own weight loss journey and how she had spent the last few years never enjoying a social gathering because she cannot deviate from her diet in any way. Not so different from what you told me, but she was totally bragging about... being miserable during celebrations. How is this in any way good for her?

Does this mean "go get stuffed on McDonald's"? Absolutely not. Following a healthy lifestyle and a good diet and exercise regimen is essential! And it's true that sometimes lifestyle changes can and will do wonders for your body! You could cut off McDonald's for anticapitalistic/antispecistic reasons and realize you're losing weight, and that's amazing! However, that's not how most people work and I don't know how to tell you that being constantly hungry because "that's my new lifestyle and I need to keep the weight down" is not healthy in the slightest!

You were unlucky, living with an ugly disorder that requires loads of attention. I understand this and I fully see where you're coming from. Making eating choices that are good for our health sometimes is a hard path that requires willpower, and I am not saying that it doesn't do wonders and that your life quality doesn't improve a lot when you manage it.

But framing the "not working-ness" of dieting as a matter of willpower and basically saying that the only reason they don't is that fat people are not enthusiastic enough about their health... is again re-framing that you think fatness=laziness and moral failure.

So thank you for expressing your point of view in an articulated way instead of just hurling insults, but my point still stands.

[dr-mizmix]

In your wings

There was a lot to unpack. Many things had happened over the course of the last few days but neither of them seemed to have enough courage to articulate their thoughts. Both of them discreetly glared at each other waiting for the perfect moment or maybe just waiting for the other one to start. Either way, the bus arrived before anything could be said, leaving them to march into the empty bus and sit down together.

Crowley rested his head on the window sighing exhausted as the bus began its journey to what should have been Oxford but ended up being London. Aziraphale discreetly glanced at him examining his state. He was covered by sweat and ashes from head to toes, with two seemingly recognizable sources of each substance: heat and anxiety sweat and bookstore and Bentley ashes. He could also smell the remainings of an almost completely evaporated alcohol trail; he knew where that came from. “You appear to be extenuated, my dear,” he gasped preoccupied.

Crowley turned giving Aziraphale a tired smile, “Well, saving the world ended up being way more exhausting than I anticipated.”

“Ah, will you embrace another 100 year nap to deal with it?” He tried to sound carefree but he couldn't hide his disappointment.

“No.” Crowley replied almost instantly. Afterwards he paused slightly embarrassed because of his timing. “I've become quite fond of this time period.”

“Oh, then we'll be able to see each other more often don't you think, dear boy?” His curious and friendly manner made Crowley's face blush.

“Yes, I s'ppose so.” Aziraphale tapped his shoulder as if to ask him permission for something and even though he didn't quite understand what he was being asked, he found himself complacently nodding.

Seconds later he had an smiling angel using his shoulder as a pillow and playing with his hair. He took some air gathering the courage needed for his next move and then proceeded to slowly place his arm behind the angel who replied by making some complicity noises and snuggling.

It took hours for the bus to arrive to London. They may have averted the apocalypse but the M25 is still the M25 and no amount of Anti-Christ magic could change that. But as the ride wasn't all that bad, they found no reason to complain and instead they silently enjoyed the silence, the peace and the company.

“We arrived”

“After you”

They took the elevator to the attic. Aziraphale thought it was ironic, a demon living so close to the sky. Crowley opened the door allowing him to see his apartment for the first time in maybe decades. The walls were gray and the apparent didn't have many furniture or decorative objects, but it was done on purpose. The way everything was spaced out and decorated resembled Aziraphale what Heaven would look like if they knew how to decorate a place. Not that Crowley's place reminded him of Heaven, Hell no! But Crowley captured the open concept monochromatic style in a way that somehow transmitted love instead of emptiness.

“Your home is pretty minimalist” he finally concluded.

“Yeah, that's what I was goin' for” Crowley studied Aziraphale's expression looking for his opinion.

Aziraphale directed his sight to his houseplants gently grabbing one of its leaves “I heard you have the most wonderful plants in all London” He redirected his sight to Crowley who seemed tense and smiled candidly “But I would say they are the best in the world. You're really talented.”

“Thanksss” he covered his mouth after hissing.

“Don't worry about it my dear.” A painting on Crowley's wall caught his eye “Wait a minute, is that the…”

“Mona Lisa. You are correct. Da Vinci lend it to me in his will.” he answered proudly

“So you are the famous Salai.”

“The man didn't know how to keep a secret”

“So all those paintings…”

“Oh no, no, no. Was I Salai? Yes. Did I pose naked before one of the most famous artists to ever exist so they see me naked for generations? No.”

Aziraphale couldn't stop himself from grinning “Understandable. Any other artists you befriended that I don't know about?”

“Eh” He looked at his 'evil triumphing against good' statue and discreetly miracled it out of sight “No.”

“I know it's not your thing but if you want to sleep” he pointed at his bedroom “The bed is yours, I'll crash in the sofa.”

Aziraphale yawned stretching his arms, thinking “You know what? Sleeping does sound well. But given that your bed big enough for two, there's no need for you to sleep anywhere else.”

Crowley devilishly grinned “Just know I have a tendency to hug the nearest thing near me while I sleep.”

“You say that as if it was a problem, dear” that came out way flirtier than what he expected. Not that he regrets it.

Crowley miracled himself into a black silk pajama when he sat down on his bed spreading his wings to examine them. “Tch, my wings are a mess!”

“I can fix them for you…” Aziraphale proposed slightly blushed

“Would you really do that for me?” He asked almost incredulous.

“Well of course, my dear.” He sat down next to him while blushing in the most undeniable way “After all, my wings are messy too” giving a playful smirk.

Crowley scanned Aziraphale trying to read the room as he became more conscious of each word he said “Are you suggesting me to groom your wings in exchange of being groomed?”

“Maybe” He placed his jacket aside the bed “It's common knowledge that demons have better groomed wings and maybe I am jealous of certain demon I know because he has the prettiest wings in the universe.”

Crowley smiled and pulled his tongue out “Then ask him to do it”

“Don't be like that!” he laughed.

“Sorry” he tapped Aziraphale's back ordering him to spread his wings “Come on, I will try to undo years of neglect to your wings.”

“Hey!”

They took off the clothes that covered their torsos. Crowley handed Aziraphale a bottle which he examined intrigued.

“You use cinnamon oil to groom your wings?” That explains how he manages to smell so nice.

“Obviously angel, I'm a demon not an animal. What do you use anyway?” He opened the top drawer of his nightstand, searching around its contents.

“I didn't��� Angels don't…” Aziraphale was extremely ashamed. Apparently he's been doing it wrong for more than 6000 years. It takes dedication to do something wrong for 6000 years.

“You've been grooming your wings just with your hands this whole time?” He took the dramatic color change in Aziraphale face resembling the one of traffic light as an answer. “No wonder why angels have such nasty wings” Crowley smiled endearingly.

He showed him a luxurious unopened bottle of vanilla scented oil. It looked like if no one had touched it since the day it entered his drawer. “I have a feeling that you might like this one.”

“Vanilla?”

“Thought you'd like it.” Crowley seemed confident on his answer but he still waited doubtful.

“It's actually my favorite.” Aziraphale smiled and Crowley smiled back with an expression which could only be translated as 'I knew it'

They stood on Crowley's bed with Aziraphale sitting on top of Crowley's legs, chests almost touching so they could reach all the way to their backs and wings completely spread. Aziraphale opened the bottle of cinnamon oil and unfurled some of Crowley's smaller feathers as he did the same. Crowley then took the liberty to move on to his primaries, going through them up and down one by one almost as if he was giving him a massage (he was).

“Your wings are really soft.” Aziraphale giggled as he spread oil on them.

“That's what happens when you treat them correctly.” He stopped for a second in order to focus on the feathers of the end of Aziraphale's wing (scapulars) “After being in my hands yours will be as well.”

They kept silent until Aziraphale slowly wrapped his legs around Crowley embracing in some sort of hug

“That's not my wing.”

“I know. Do you mind?”

“I s'ppose not.” he stopped his massage and smirked “But remember that two can play this game.” Crowley grabbed Aziraphale by his wrists and carefully pinned him against the bed.

While Aziraphale hovered his hands over Crowley's back, he tenderly drew shapes with his palm on Aziraphale's trunk.

“May I?” The angel pointed at the demon's glasses with the intent of getting rid of the awful barrier. Crowley nodded and shrugged as if it wasn't a big deal while he took them off. Aziraphale beamed.

“They are really beautiful.” the angel admired the demon's eyes, hypnotized.

“You…” he sighed

“What is it my dear?” Crowley's head slowly approached Aziraphale's “May I?” Aziraphale nodded while Crowley gently placed his hands under his tilting head in anticipation of what was to come.

Their lips matched as they closed their eyes. Crowley stopped breathing as he focused on feeling his Angel's hair. Aziraphale's senses augmented as he heard a muffled 'I love you' and instinctively gripped the demon's hair to pull him even closer. It was a slow tender kiss that gave so many answers yet created so many questions. Unsurprisingly, they repeated it again, and again, with muffled 'I love you's coming from both parties.

“You are beautiful” He kissed him again, “You are the definition of beautiful” And again, this time more passionately “You are the most beautiful thing in the world.” His eyes shined golden amber as they filled with tears and emotion “If I had the chance, I would name the entire firmament after you, I would wait a million years just for the chance seeing you one more time.” Aziraphale's wings spread fully making Crowley smile

“Oh my dear boy, you're going to make me cry” Crowley's fingers were now tracing an infinite between Aziraphale's wings which made him involuntarily arch his spine.

“But you shouldn't angel. It should be blasphemy, sacrilege to make someone as beautiful and as good as you cry. You are the most precious being in the entire universe and I can't believe you're in my arms” His fingertips practically flew above the angel's skin, making minimum contact but activating most of his nerve receptors.

“Crowley” Aziraphale placed his hands tightly around Crowley's face as Crowley flapped his wings to spread them.

Crowley got closer to his neck to whisper so him and only him could listen to his words “I love you angel. I love you. I love you.”

A few seconds later Aziraphale managed to reply between his heavy breathing “I love you too.”

As soon as he heard it, Crowley dropped embracing in a hug using arms and wings which didn't took long to be reciprocated and kissed Aziraphale sweetly as many times as their bodies allowed them. “I love you” “I love you” “I love you” at this point they couldn't tell who was the one saying it, but did it matter?

In the end, they didn't end up sleeping but who cares? They have the rest of eternity to sleep or not, they can do whatever they want now that they know they own each other's heart.

[neolithicastronaut]

Ok after a bit more time to mull it over....for me personally this doesn't change much. It's just a concept to describe what I think has already been the case for many years.

I'll tell you what made the penny drop. I was watching a film in which some men were wearing dresses and I got some real funky envy over it. As someone who is immediately perceived as "Woman" at first glance, I can't wear dresses or make-up or nail polish in any way other than that which aligns to people's impression of me. I like doing those things, but I don't always want them to mean what people think they mean and its frustrating. I want to be able to be a man wearing a dress sometimes. And then I was like "hmm that doesn't sound very Cis of Gender to Me My Guy".

This got me thinking about how I experience sexuality. I'm bi, but recently I've become more aware of the fact that I experience attraction and those feelings from a multitude of "places". There have been times where I've been quite conscious that my attraction to people is coming from a place that feels more closely aligned to a masculine space inside me, if that makes sense??? So towards a man it feels queer/gay, and towards women it feels...less queer? And sometimes its not like that at all. It's very hard to articulate it just makes sense to me.

What's interesting is that I've known about these words/identities for such a long time but never really considered that one of them could apply to me. Also hilarious given that in my early 20s I was wearing men's underwear, experimented with a packer [didn't feel right but worth a try], tried going out dressed in 'men's clothing' with makeup to strengthen those features, etc etc and yet I've always just been like "ah yes I'm just a Cis Woman nothing to see here"....like...babe...no lol.

Anyway the concept of gender being fluid inside of me feels right. It is not static, it shifts day by day, and having this awareness I think will help me to just lean into whatever is going on at the time.

Just goes to show that we keep uncovering ourselves and learning new things and thats cool.

Here's something. I was lying in bed last night and I was just like "oh! Maybe I'm gender fluid?" and the thought felt like putting on a comfy cardigan so that's cool I guess.