#i was supposed to drink coffee today THATS probably why. everything fell through because i had icecream instead

[chunkofchange]

YOU CAN MAKE THE PINBORD BIGGER I CAN PUT SO MUCH crap DO you like the color of the BOB? Let's think about this

[jujubieberbae]

HOW MUCH LONGER? pt 3 - Jason McCann

Check out part 1 and  part 2  by clicking here!

Part 4 will be up soon, along with another imagine!

For what felt like the hundredth time tonight, my position in my bed shifted from my right side to my back as an agitated sigh escaped my lips. I hadn’t had a restless night in years, and tonight just seemed to have broken the streak, only difference was, this time, I had a reason for the disturbance of my sleep.

It’s been a week since Jason moved into my gang house and ever since he arrived, he seems to be the only thing on my mind. Clouding up my space to think logically and making it harder for me to keep my gang safe. Its dangerous honestly. If we got attacked, I wouldn’t be on my feet, not as alert as I usually am.

But tonight just crossed the line. Tonight, my mind was running marathons because of my thoughts and it was all his fault. Not just because I knew he was here, but I could also hear it, and not in a very pleasant way. The moaning coming from the room across the hall was beginning to make me so aggravated that I was honestly ready to stomp inside waving a gun around just to make them shut up so I can use whatever time left of the night to get some sleep.

Okay, and maybe I was a little jealous, but lets not get into that.

Just knowing that Jason - my ex boyfriend and the man I am still in love with - was in the room across from me, fucking his current girlfriend senseless was killing me. Especially when I realised that, that could of been me, if I had just stayed when he needed me instead of walking out, that would be me in there with him. Pleasing me, making me feel loved, and like I was the most perfect girl ever to be created. 

Because thats what Jason McCann can do, he can not only be powerful himself, but he can make you feel powerful. And I guess thats what made us so compatible, we both loved the powerful feeling each other gave off. 

But no matter how much I wish and dream - the reality is that I did walk out that night, and although I’m not one to believe heavily in God, I can’t help but feel this was my punishment for walking out that night. Having to sit here - in the comfort of my own house, listening to the love of my life pleasure another woman. A slut to be exact. A slut that he was in a relationship with.

I couldn’t bring myself to believe that he was in love with her, there was no way. His eyes didn’t have that glint, that glint he used to have when he looked at me. That glint that no longer exists. Instead, he looks at her more as if she was a peice of meat rather then a girlfriend, and is it bad to say that relieves me? But it might just be in my head. Maybe he does really love her and I’m just in denial because I don’t want to face the fact that he’s moved on and I haven’t.

Maybe. 

But that’s the thing. Life is a big fat ‘MAYBE.’ There is no yes, or no in life. There is no guarantee. Everything is just Maybe. Maybe this was how its supposed to end, with no one receiving what they wanted, everyone just feeling shit and unhappy in the end, or maybe things will turn for the batter and a miracle might happen.

but the chance of a miracle is near impossible, so I should probably begin readying myself for a depressing ending now.

Without even realising it, I had slowly began drifting off to sleep. And without hesitation, I allowed the blessing of sleep to finally take me in its arms until tomorrow, leaving the daunting thoughts for another day.

Bitter, the perfect way to describe my mood. And what better way to express that with a cup of straight, black coffee. Placing the kettle of caffeine back onto the machine after pouring a full cup, it was a slight surprise to hear a door opening and shutting upstairs. 

Who the hell is up at this hour? Only a gang leader would wake up before Dawn. And then it hit me, how could I forget? Jason is living here now.

Soft footsteps ceased to make there way downstairs, all before his perfect body slipped past the kitchen doorway, revealing his inked chest, shirtless. His eyes darted up in surprise at seeing me standing there, before his guard fell and he shook his head. 

“I always forget your up at this time as well.” 

I shook my head, running a hand through my slight bed hair. “Same here.” 

Without thinking, I stepped back and picked up the kettle, turning around to pour it into a coffee cup Jason held out for me. It was a habit, something we did when we were together. He would get a cup while I poured him coffee, it was so random but something we just always did. 

“Got any meetings today?” Jason mumbled, sipping on the same black coffee I drank. In fact, he was the one who got me hooked on the bitter drink. 

Although we both act like mean, careless criminals, we always felt like we could just drop the act around each other, no matter what happened in our pasts.

“Just one. An old Ally wants some land, gotta put the fucker in his place.”

He smirked, side glancing me from the cup he was sipping on before slowly removing the mug from his lips, swallowing the beverage with a loud gulp.

“You hungry?” I suddenly asked. 

His eyes flickered from the floor to my face, his expression blank and hard to read. 

“I’ll make pancakes if you want?” I added.

Slowly, his eyes squinted to slits as he eyes me. “Why?” 

“What do you mean ‘why’? Because I feel like pancakes and I thought I’d be nice and offer you some as well.” As I spoke, I began walking around the kitchen, picking out ingredients for the pancakes.

“Is there a problem with that?” 

“I mean, no its just-....” He trailed off, eyes wandering around the room.

“Just what? We're not together anymore?” I scoffed. When he didn’t reply, I knew that was the answer. “Don’t be so up yourself Jason, I offered you pancakes not asked for your hand in marriage. I’ve moved on from you. Just because where Ex’s doesn’t mean I can’t be nice. I mean, where living with each other for god sakes, might as well make the most of it.”

It wasn’t an entire lie. I did want to make the most of it. I just....haven’t exactly moved on.

From the look in Jason’s eyes you could tell he was putting some effortless thought into what I had just said until his face fell flat once again, then slowly slid into a smirk. “In that case, I like Syrup on my pancakes.”

“Ah! Mr Brown, nice of you to finally join me!” I shouted in fake enthusiasm, glancing at the rolex watch on my wrist. “And your only an hour and a half late this time! This must be your new record.”

Brown smirked, placing himself in the leather chair opposing my desk, his men stepping behind him. “I tried to make it on time this time.” 

“No you didn’t.” I smiled, but there was no humour in my tone. “Everyone know’s your attempt of being fashionably late never works Axel. Stop trying.”

His smirk dropped, face turning red after being caught. “Now lets get to business. you want land? Well the only land you’ll be receiving from me is my foot, when it lands on your ass.”

“Mrs L/N, If I must remind you, you still owe me for the first drug deal you made. Remember that? When you were nearly shot. Who saved your life then?” He smirked. 

But I had the upper hand, I always did. They don’t call me most wanted for nothing! “Your right, I do owe you. Actually, I did owe you, not anymore.”

“My first drug deal was nearly 6 years ago, and If I recall, I repayed you many, many times.” i smiled. “Let’s start with when I saved you from Larson, and killed Harold for you. When you hired me to kill Michael, or what about the time I loaned you 50 grand for drug money? And lets not forget the time I -”

“Okay I get it!” Brown yelled, sighing agitatedly. 

“Good, so now that we’re both on the same page, I think it’s time you repaid your debt to me.” 

He visibly gulped. “And what would that be?”

“Well, I’m in need of a little upgrading. Not only do I have my whole gang in here but now an Alliance’s gang and I need some space.”

“So what’s it you want? You wanna send some gang members over to mine?” 

“Oh jesus no!” I laughed. “’I would never torture my gang members like that. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind a good torturing but only to the people who deserve it. What I want is your gang house.”

“What?!”

“You heard me. And If you didn’t get the hint, I just warned you - actually more threatened you. Get the fuck out of this state. You - and your gang.”

“But-”

I was quick to interrupt “Get out of north America, and If I see your face here again, its not gonna be pretty. Do you hear me?!” 

I was standing at this point, steam almost pouring out of my ears as I raged in fury.

“Y/N-”

“You don’t think I know you’ve been stealing from my warehouses?! Nothing goes unnoticed by me.” I gritted. “Now I’m giving you a chance to run because really, I should just shoot you, right here right now. Now either leave my office, and don’t come back, or make sure you double up on men and always look behind you, cause soon, your gonna have a bullet implanted right in that thick head of yours.”

Brown’s face was shocked, nervous and twisted in fear. Without another word, he nodded his head frantically trying to make hsi way out of the room. “Nice doing buisness with you!” i yelled as he made quick to scramble out of the room. 

Just as Brown left, Jason strolled slowly over to the door frame, leaning against the wooden post. “So...how was your deal?” 

“Great. Now that that part is over with, I’ll just get a few of my men to sneak back to his warehouse and eliminate him by tomorrow morning.”

“I thought you were letting him go.” He chuckled. 

“Nah, I just said that so he won’t suspect it. Hes less likely to put up a fight if he doesn’t see it coming.”

“Those words sound oddly familiar.” Jason sarcastically smirked. 

“They should, you taught me them.” I stated. 

“I know.” And like that, he turned on his heels to begin walking down the hall.

“Actually McCann!” 

“What?” He spat.

“Tonight, how about keeping it down. Your side hoe moans like a cow, its quite disturbing.”

Jason turned, a smirk on his face. “Why? You jealous your not getting any?”

“Hah! You wish. It’s just some people don’t enjoy falling asleep to the sound of a dying goat.” 

“You know, you gotta lotta hate towards my girlfriend. You sure that’s not personal?” He smirked. 

“Please McCann don’t flatter yourself.” I scoffed. “Just keep the fucking noise down tonight. Or rather, just leave it all together. Don’t you have any self respect?” 

“I do.” He smirked. “But my hand got kinda boring.” The smirk only grew as my face fell in discuss. A wink was sent my way before he quickly descended down the hall, leaving me weak at my knees from the wink that was only meant to piss me off.

[constantodyssey]

untitled one through eight (-three)

nov. 4 2016 

day in day out walking from place to place no one ever stops to find out what the world could be like if things were different if things were better

we’re all numb we’re numb to the politics we’re numb to society numb to the international troubles the world is facing the constant threat of war taking everything for granted because we’re too ignorant and numb to stop and find out what the world would be like if we tried to make it  a better place.

- 

nov. 5 2016 

my brain is being torn into parts pieces and parts that no one can figure out how to repair swirling spinning ripping my mind flows into several directions i try desperately to grab hold of whats left tightly keep it together so maybe not all of it will all apart i feel my pieces and parts slipping between my fingers they escape with no mercy flying in every direction trying to find a way out of my head theres no escape for brains like mine my mind can try but i know it will find there is no better place to be than the home that will set you free.

- 

nov. 7 2016 

I walk into my 4th hour class knowing how this is all going to play out. I’m going to sit in the back of the room, next to the filing cabinets, the student computers and my English teachers desk. Then, the boy called Jaden will walk back to me asking why i sit there instead of with the class in the normal seats. I will ignore him. He will walk away,  eventually. My teacher will walk in, give the instructions for the days assignment, i will finish before most other people. Then I sit and wait for the bell. Normally, I finish then read a book, but today was different. Today I felt different. I didn’t want to read, but at the same time i wanted to. i also wanted to stand up and walk straight out of the classroom, but i didn’t. Today felt numb. I felt  numb. I don’t know why but i know i did. Maybe it was  the sleep deprivation or the build up of depression. I’ve had days like this before; where i could laugh easier than ever, then switch to sad in a spilt second. it’s an odd feeling, for sure. These are always my worst days.  I never know how i will end up feeling. “neeka, you need to read,” she paused, “or do something productive at least,” teach said impatiently. I tried to reply. I wanted to turn my head and say ‘i can’t’, but i didn’t. I just nodded and continue to sit. A few minutes later, I caught her glancing at me to see if i was reading, which i wasn’t (i was still sat there staring at the wall ahead of me, twirling an old gum wrapper between my fingers.) I decided it would probably be best to begin reading if i wanted to avoid her any further. I quickly push back my chair to retrieve the book from my bag. Making both minimal and the most noise i could. In doing this, i received glances from a few other students and a concerning look from teach. After twenty minutes of staring at the dead paper, the bell finally decided to ring. Every person in the class hurriedly gathered their things and rushed out the door to make it to their next class, but mostly to socialize in the hall. i took my time today, though. Making sure my book mark was placed perfectly in the crease of the book and placing it gently into the bag before slowly zipping the bag and flinging it over my shoulder with a thud. I turn to face the door, sigh, and begin shuffling towards it. Only as i was about two feet away from the door, teach called after me. I turned. “Are you okay? you seem a bit off.” I won’t look at her, i can’t. I’d rather not look at the eyes of an insincerely worried teacher. “Just tired, is all,” I replied convincingly. Im not sure of her reply or if she even had one because as soon as the words fell from my lips i turned and began walking again. I wish people would stop trying to act like they care. I know she wouldn’t have asked if i didn’t actually work hard in her class. 

-

dec. 26 2017 

What terrifies you the most?

The fact we wake up every morning with the threat of intercontinental nuclear war  

- 

dec. 26 2017 

its dark outside a few outside lights shine from the house further up on the hill the house is dimly lit you turn the slightly rusted circular handle of the full length window-door an open floor plan kitchen, living and dining room are present under and around the kitchen counter are familiar people. stoned you turn your head slightly to the left to peek into the living room to find people drinking and playing cards around a large coffee table there is one light on over the coffee table that is lighting the entire room a few steps forward from the door, through the kitchen/ dining room, you turn to your left and enter a hallway that leads to three bedrooms and one bathroom directly ahead you turn to the right, to the first room. people are intertwined on the bed. peaceful. that room reeks of weed you exit the room and enter the one right behind it, also on the right needles on the floor and in arms are needles people passed out with these needles you leave the bathroom is next it lies at the end of the hall one person lies in the bathtub covered in their own vomit passed out the third bedroom, the biggest, is on the left side of the hall as you enter you recognize all the people occupying this room as your friends they are gathered around a tv playing video games they might be sober but you can’t really tell you keep moving straight towards the french doors at one end of the room through these doors is an office windows line all the walls its the kind of room you don’t need lights in when the morning comes around all the people that hate you lie on a air mattress on one side of the office they’ve been drinking you can tell they glare and talk shit but you can’t hear it turning to the right you walk toward another door that leads to an add on of the house this room is the brightest so far all the lights are on but in a good way it looks like all the lights fit in with each other to make the room look perfect the people who occupy this room are the ones who are supposed to be out there they are the stoners and alcoholics and druggies but your can’t smell anything in this room there are no needles in sight not one damn bottle of anything they are all clean this is where you stay you know they know whats out there but they are still in here, having a better time than everyone out there laughing and enjoying being awake and sober this is where you stay not because you don’t want to be drunk or high but because you know what happens when you are drunk or high they know too thats why you are all in this room together clean

- 

jan. 4 2018 

my mind is never not racing. all kinds of thoughts flowing through it nonstop. it’s almost enough to drive a person mad. or maybe this is just normal and I’m too weak to handle this. its 2:19am. i have school tomorrow but i don’t really have school tomorrow. its crazy how much you can hate something but the minute its taken away from you, you miss it almost more than ever. why do our brains work like that. its like that with all things as well. no matter how miserable that thing is, you miss it at least a little when its gone. even depressed people miss their depression when they’re happy. its almost comical. why do feelings feel so awful. why do i feel feelings for people who don’t feel the same feelings. why do feelings fuck us over like that. why do we lie about things to other people when we know those things aren’t true. we know it as we say it. but we still continue to lie, then make a story out of it. why do people like to destroy their home. even if they are told the home they are given will most likely never be replaced, they still don’t take care of it like they should. why do people in higher up places love rules so much, but never follow their own. why do they think just because they are placed higher in society they have the right to control everyone else but not play fair. why is the world not fair. why do people hate the concept of equality so much. even people who are put down by the majority don’t fully support equality. If war is started by simple misunderstandings, why do humans have such a pattern of not listening to each other. why don’t we respect each others opinions. we all want to live longer, better lives, but we destroy that possibility by disrespecting other cultures and viewpoints. maybe if we listened more instead of just plugging our ears and pointing fingers maybe the world would be a better place. Every free country on the planet fought to be free. but why would we fight to be free just to turn around and fight to conquer.

- 

jan. 4 2018

drugs don’t give a shit what color your skin is. it’ll drag you through hell and back until you don’t have anymore functioning brain cells. these drugs are everywhere. worldwide. they don’t care if you’re blacker than the night sky or a pale rich asshole. you could be living in bum-fucked-egypt or on the highest floor of a skyscraper in Shanghai. cheap drugs, rich drugs, suburban drugs, hood drugs, its all the same shit with a different name. they don’t fucking stop till everyone looks the same on the inside. burnt up and fucking dead. we live in a society so fucking divided we argue about who produces the most or the best drugs when we should be coming together to find a better way to keep all economies stable enough to not have to rely on drug sale. everyone thinks its a fucking joke but people are dying every fucking day. Everyone left and right overdosing on the new biggest thing. don’t get me wrong, drugs are great. they make you feel great. but maybe if we made the world less shitty to live in people wouldn’t be turning to things like drugs to take them out of reality.