#i'll try not to hope it'll make me feel a bit more alive too much because it probably won't work

[radioactive-cloud]

why did no one tell me that in sherlock and co watson was wounded in ukraine and in the very first episode he and sherlock eat deruny and borsch that sherlock made for breakfast (absolute taste btw but now i want deruny)

[bingbongsupremacy]

I love your stories so much! Could you write one about Fanboy bringing his girlfriend to meet his family and she finds out he has like a gazillion family members,and she ends up insecure(maybe she’s an orphan or estranged from her family) and he comforts her? Angst/comfort if you know what I mean. I need to cry a bit 😭

Mi Familia Es Tu Familia

Pairing: Fanboy x Fem Reader

Warning: Cursing

Summary: You've never had a good relationship with your family. You're scared you'll mess up meeting Mickey's.

*Not Proofread*

No description of reader's weight/body type or race.

A/N: Tysm! I'm so glad you like my fics! I hope this is what you were looking for!

In case of confusion: Mijo/Mija mean My son/My daughter but are also used as terms of endearment by people who aren't their parents.

Mickey's been excited for weeks.

He's counted down every passing day, excitement growing more and more the closer his brother's birthday weekend gets. It's the first time I'll be meeting his family, and the first weekend I'll be spending with them.

He's spent hours, listing every dish his mom is making, promising that his abuela's (grandma) tortillas are "literally life-changing," telling me which cousin is most likely to embarrass him in front of me.

He says "my family" with so much joy, like the words themselves are warm and safe. I smile back, echo his jokes, pretend I don't feel the quiet ache blooming in my chest. I try to pretend that I understand, that I know the feelings he experiences every time his family's brought up.

The truth is, I don't understand what he's feeling. I've never had a family like that. Never had a house full of laughter and too many people talking over each other, or the comfort of knowing there's always someone waiting for me at home. My parents never showed up for big events in my life, and the idea of an entire extended family there? Unimaginable. I don't know what it's like to live in a house so alive and full of happiness, that it makes me want to tell everyone about it.

Sometimes it feels like Mickey's got enough families stories to fill a book, and I... I don't even have enough to fill a pamphlet.

I'm happy for Mickey. I really am. I'm glad he had a good childhood and was surrounded by so many people who loved him. Every kid deserves that. And Mickey, he deserves all the love in the world.

I want to be just as excited as Mickey to meet his family. This is a huge step in our relationship. I just can't help but feel a little nervous.

What if I don't fit in? What if they can tell I'm different, that I don't know how to be part of a family? That I don't understand what it's like to actually get excited to come home.

I'm worried I'll stick out like a sore thumb, and that Mickey will realize I'm not enough. What if he thinks that because I don't know what it's like, that I can't give our potential future family the life and love that he's used to. The life and love that he's told me he wants for our kids some day.

So far, whenever the topic of my family's come up, I've been able to dodge the subject. I just... I don't know what to say. Unlike Mickey, I don't have many good memories from my childhood. And I don't talk to my parents anymore. They made their decisions, and I made mine. And even though it hurts, this is how it has to be.

So I keep it in. I haven't told him how nervous I am, and I don't plan on it. I don't want to ruin his weekend.

I don't want Mickey to feel bad for me or like he can't talk about his family with me anymore.

I just need to keep it together and it'll be okay.

Now, as we walk up to the front door and I hear the shouts and music spilling out onto the porch, my heart pounds so loudly I'm sure he can hear it.

I want to belong here. I want to be enough for him.

But as he squeezes my hand and flashes that wide, unstoppable smile at me, I'm terrified he'll realize just how empty my world is compared to his.

I try give him as normal as a smile as I can muster as I squeeze his hand back.

"Don't worry. They're going to love you."

I know he means them as reassurance, but to me, they sound like a standard I'm already afraid I'll fall short of.

I don't have a chance to respond before the door is thrown open, startling me. Music and laughter from inside spills onto the porch, completely surrounding us. Amazing smells waft outside, instantly making my mouth water.

The face of a little girl immediately pops into view. She looks exactly like Mickey, just a lot younger and with lighter hair. "Tio (uncle) Mickey! You're here!" She immediately launches herself at the man, wrapping her small arms around his legs. She squeezes him tightly, a wide smile on her face.

"Whoa, hola chiquita (little girl)." Mickey chuckles, bending down to properly hug her, his hand slipping out of mine in the process. She immediately wraps her arms around his neck, hugging him tightly against her.

"I missed you so much!" She exclaims.

"I missed ya too, kiddo." He ruffles her hair softly.

A shout from inside draws my attention. "Tío Mickey's here!"

"Tío Mickey!!" Another little voice exclaims.

Within seconds more children spill onto the porch around us, each of them trying to get to their uncle. Little arms and hands are thrown around Mickey, surrounding him completely. Their little voices and Mickey's laugh blend together, creating a chaotic buzz that's hard to understand.

I quietly take a small step back, trying to give them enough room for the reunion. I feel my heart begin to race at the sudden burst of energy buzzing around us.

"Guys, I promise I’ll hug every single one of you!" Mickey's voice is full of happiness and laughter. "Just give your Tío Mickey a little room to breathe first, yeah? I got a lotta arms to go around, but only one body!"

He wiggles around, trying to make space as little hands grab at him from every angle, his grin so wide it looks like it might split his face in half.

I watch him kneel down so he can be eye-level with the smallest ones, letting them pile onto him like he's the safest place in the world. The way his eyes crinkle, the way he calls each kid by name without even thinking. It's so natural. So easy.

I wrap my arms around myself without meaning to, trying to keep the sudden cold out of my chest. There's a warmth here that feels almost too bright to stand in.

A little girl with curly hair peeks up at me, hiding half behind Mickey's shoulder. She gives me a shy wave, and I try to smile and wave back, but my fingers feel stiff.

Mickey looks over his shoulder at me then, his grin wide and bright. "Come here, hermosa (beautiful)," he says, reaching a hand out toward me without hesitation, like there's no question that I belong right there next to him.

But all I can think is that I don't.

I don't know how to jump into the middle of a crowd like that. I don't know how to jump into someone's family when they already all know each other better than I could ever imagine.

My throat tightens as I force a small step forward, but my feet feel heavy, like they're stuck in cement. My heartbeat thunders in my ears.

I extend my hand to Mickey's waiting on, trying to focus on the happiness on his face instead of the anxiety twisting in my stomach.

"Alright, alright. Guys," he says, standing up slowly, making sure not to knock any of them over. "Can I get a second? I wanna introduce someone real quick."

He turns to me then, that big, bright Mickey smile on full display.

"Babe, these little monsters right here... these are my nieces and nephews," he says, ruffling one kid's hair while another tugs at his shirt. "And guys, this… this is my girl."

All of the little eyes turn to me, their attention completely focused on me, the stranger. Immediately the questions begin, sending my head spinning.

"Are you and Tío Mickey going to get married? My papa says Tío Mickey's in love with you, and mama told me people in love get married."

"Do you have a dog?"

"Are you gonna come to my birthday next week?"

"What's your favorite color? Mine's purple. Wait! Do you like princesses? I have a princess dress inside. Wanna see it?"

"My brother says Tío Mickey's 'down bad' for you? Are you 'down bad' for him too?"

Their voices pile on top of each other, a chorus of pure, unstoppable curiosity. I try to keep up, nodding and smiling and laughing in all the wrong places. My mouth feels dry, my palms start to sweat.

I can't remember the last time anyone asked me so many questions. Or any questions at all, really. The words start to blur together, my pulse roaring in my ears.

Mickey finally glances over, his brow pinching just slightly when he really looks at me. "Hey," he says softly, stepping closer and ducking his head so his eyes meet mine. "You okay?"

I swallow, nodding too quickly. "Yeah," I lie. "I'm good, just… a lot of energy, you know?" I try to laugh it off, but it comes out too thin, too forced.

He studies me for a second longer, like he's conflicted, but before he can say anything else, a voice calls from the doorway.

"¡Niños! Déjenlos en paz (Kids, leave them in peace)," a woman says, her tone warm but firm. A beautiful woman a few years older then us stands there with her hands on her hips, a practiced mix of affection and authority in her voice. "You can ask your questions later. Let them come inside first."

The kids groan in chorus, a few of them whining that they're "not done talking to Tío Mickey yet!" One of them clings to his leg dramatically, and he laughs, ruffling the boy's hair.

"We'll talk later, okay?" Mickey promises, leaning down to press a quick kiss to the top of the toddler's head.

Before they scatter, one little girl, the same one with curly hair, steps forward, her big eyes fixed on me. Without warning, she throws her arms around my waist in a bold, sudden hug.

I freeze, my hands hovering awkwardly in the air for a beat too long before I gently pat her back, trying my best not to look awkward.

She pulls away with a big grin and runs after the others, leaving me standing there a little tense. They're children. This shouldn't be this hard.

Mickey chuckles softly, sliding an arm around my shoulders as he turns us toward the doorway. "Hermosa (Beautiful)," he murmurs again, but I barely hear it, my mind too focused on how I'm already screwing this up.

"Hey," his sister says, stepping forward with a big, welcoming smile. "You must be the girl I've heard so much about." She opens her arms for a hug without hesitation.

"This is my sister, Rosa," Mickey says, his voice warm with pride. "Rosa, this is-"

I manage a shy smile, trying to push down the swirl of panic rising in my chest as I step into her hug, hoping she can’t feel how tense I am.

"-the famous girlfriend," Rosa finishes for him, laughing as she gives my arm a gentle squeeze before stepping back. "You don't need to introduce her, Mickey. We've all heard plenty already."

I force another small laugh, trying to keep my breathing steady. It feels like there's a spotlight on me, and I don't know any of my lines.

Just keep breathing. It's okay. Be normal. Stop acting so weird.

"Come on inside," Rosa says, gesturing warmly. "Mamá's been asking when you'd get here, and everyone's dying to meet you properly. But don't worry, I'll help you escape if they get too annoying."

She's joking, but the words only make the pressure in my chest tighten. Meet everyone properly. As if the porch scene wasn't already too much.

Mickey squeezes my shoulder again, pressing a quick kiss to the side of my head like he can sense the storm behind my smile.

"You're killin' it," he murmurs, so low only I can hear, his breath warm against my hair. "Seriously… you're doin' so good, hermosa."

I nod automatically, even though I don't feel like I'm doing good. I feel like I'm balancing on a frayed tightrope, terrified of falling in front of all these people who mean so much to him.

What if I fuck up so badly they all hate me? The last thing I want is to be that in law the one everyone hates but tolerates because they love their family member.

The interior is cluttered in the best possible way: toys scattered across the floor, mismatched blankets draped over couches, half-finished coloring books on the coffee table. Little knickknacks line the shelves: tiny ceramic animals, old candles, family souvenirs... each one probably holding a story of its own.

Framed photos cover almost every inch of wall space: family parties, graduations, babies in tiny outfits, old wedding pictures. Evidence of a thousand shared moments, each one humming with life and love.

It's messy, loud, and impossibly warm. A house that feels alive, like it's been breathing and growing alongside the people inside it for decades.

It's exactly the kind of home I'd wished I'd grown up in as kid.

I try to focus on the warmth of Mickey's hand on my back, on Rosa's easy chatter as she walks ahead, but my head feels like it's full of cotton.

I'm supposed to belong here. I'm supposed to win them over, be charming, be enough. I don't even know where to start.

I take a shaky breath, forcing another smile as more faces turn toward us, ready to greet the girl they've "heard so much about."

I hope I can live up to their expectations.

Rosa leads us deeper into the house, her voice floating back to us as she laughs at something Mickey says. We turn a corner into the living room, and I'm hit by another wave of warmth and noise.

The couches are overflowing with people. Older men with easy, booming laughs, women who happily catch up together. Plates of food balance on laps, someone's music hums low from a speaker in the corner, and a little boy darts between legs holding a toy plane above his head.

As soon as they spot us, the energy shifts. All eyes turn, wide smiles breaking out everywhere.

"Mickey!" one of the men booms, pushing himself up from the couch with surprising speed for his age. He claps Mickey on the back so hard I hear the impact. "¡Mijo! Ya era hora que trajeras a la muchacha! (My son, it's about time you brought the girl)"

Another woman, who must be one of Mickey's tías, leans forward, eyes sparkling. "So this is the famous girlfriend we've all heard about," she says, practically singing the words.

Before I can even respond, she's standing and pulling me into a warm, firm hug that smells like perfume and spices.

"Welcome, mija," she says, her voice low and sincere against my ear. "We're so happy you're here."

When she lets go, another uncle steps in to shake my hand, his grip strong but kind. "So you're the girl brave enough to put up with my nephew." he jokes, nodding at Mickey with an exaggerated, knowing look.

Everyone laughs, including Rosa, who slips to my side and squeezes my arm as if to say You're okay, I've got you.

A few more aunts and uncles introduce themselves one by one, each one showering me with questions about how the drive was, if I'm hungry yet, telling me to make myself at home.

It's overwhelming, but the kindness is undeniable. The room buzzes with shared memories and teasing inside jokes I don't understand, but no one seems to mind that I'm an outsider. In fact, it feels like they've already decided I belong here, whether I'm ready or not.

Mickey stands beside me the whole time, his hand resting between my shoulders, his thumb brushing slow, reassuring lines against my sweater. I force myself to keep smiling, to answer questions, to nod and laugh when everyone else does.

News travels quickly through the house and minute by minute more family members pile into the living room to meet me. Each of them is as kind and curious as the other. Very quickly the already pretty full living room is completely packed. The buzz of voices is loud and distracting. The feeling of their eyes, although full of happiness and welcoming, weighs heavier and heavier on me with every pair that joins. Each new face adds another layer of pressure pressing down on my shoulders, another invisible hand squeezing at my ribs.

Mickey doesn't seem to notice. He's laughing, fully swept up in a story with his cousins, head thrown back, his entire face lit up in a way I've never seen before. He looks so at home, so effortlessly part of this world.

I want to be happy for him. I want to match that warmth, that easy glow. But I can't. I can't even hear my own thoughts over the roar in my head.

Questions keep flying at me, too fast to catch. Names I can't hold on to. Laughter I'm not sure is meant for me or about me. I nod when I think I'm supposed to, force out a brittle laugh that scrapes at my throat like broken glass.

Children shriek somewhere down the hall, music shifts into a new, louder song, a can hisses open behind me. It's all too much. Too loud, too bright, too close. The room feels like it's shrinking with every breath I take.

I feel like an animal trapped in a cage way too small for it's body.

Mickey's family's so kind, they haven't done anything to hurt me. Why do I feel this way? Why?

I try to focus on Mickey's hand on my thigh, but even that feels distant, like I'm underwater and someone's tapping on the surface far above me.

My fingers dig into the cushion beneath me, nails biting into the fabric so hard they start to ache. My chest is tight, my heart jackhammering against my ribs.

I can't breathe.

I can't breathe.

I feel tears threatening at the edges of my vision, hot and humiliating. I bite the inside of my cheek so hard I taste blood, anything to stop them from falling here, in front of all these people who just want to love me.

Don't cry. Don't fucking cry!

My insecurities repeatedly replay in my head like a broken, screechy record.

I don't belong here. I never did. I'm going to ruin this for him. I'm going to ruin everything. Why can't I be stronger? Why can't I be normal?

All I want to be is normal.

"Um, where's the bathroom?" my voice shakes as I ask Mickey's family around me.

"Down the hall, mija." One of Mickey's responds. She gestures vaguely to the left, but her hand might as well be a mile-long maze for all I can process.

I somehow find the strength to push myself off the couch, my knees threatening to buckle under me.

"Babe?" Mickey's voice sounds distant, even though he's inches away from me. "Hey, where you goin', huh?"

My vision tunnels, the edges of the room going dark and wavy. Every step feels like I'm trying to walk through deep water, my feet heavy and slow, the floor tilting underneath me.

My chest tightens to the point of pain, every breath coming up short and sharp. The knot in my throat rises higher, strangling me from the inside out.

I mumble broken apologies, stumbling past hands and knees and warm bodies that all blur into each other.

"She's very quiet, isn't she?" I faintly hear someone ask.

"I thought she'd talk more." Another person comments. "Maybe she's shy?"

Deep in my heart I know they're talking about me.

I reach the hallway and catch a glimpse of a familiar figure. Rosa, maybe? She looks so far away, her face warping and melting at the edges.

"Are you okay?" Her voice cuts through the static in my head, distorted and echoing as if she's shouting down a long tunnel.

"Bathroom," I croak out, the word scraping out of me like shattered glass. It's all I can manage before my vision tilts again, the floor lunging up to meet me.

I squeeze my eyes shut, desperately trying to force the world to stop spinning, but when I open them, it's worse. Colors smear together, faces melt into a single vibrating mass, voices blend into a deafening roar.

A loud static buzz fills my ears, growing louder and louder until it swallows everything else. My heart slams so hard I think it might burst through my ribs.

Somewhere in the distance, I hear my name, a terrified shout, urgent and sharp.

But it's already too late.

My eyes roll back, and my knees buckle. My body crumples to the floor like a marionette with its strings cut.

The last thing I feel is the rush of cold air against my cheek, and then-

Nothing.

Only darkness.

-----

When I finally start to come to, the world feels heavy and muffled, like I'm swimming up from the bottom of a deep, dark pool.

I hear my name first. Soft. Nervous.

"Hey… hey, mi amor (my love). C'mon, open those pretty eyes for me. There you are."

Mickey's voice. Closer now. It cuts through the fog like a hand reaching into the dark.

My eyelids flutter open, sluggish and heavy. The first thing I see is the ceiling, dim and unfamiliar. My head feels like it's packed with wet cotton. My body feels so heavy.

Then Mickey's face leans into view, his features pinched with worry, his dark eyes wide and frantic. He's kneeling beside me, one hand cradling my cheek, the other gripping my fingers so tightly it almost hurts.

"You're okay," he breathes, like he's trying to convince himself as much as me. His thumb brushes across my cheekbone, over and over. "You're right here with me… you're okay."

I realize I'm lying on a couch now, different from before. The living room is completely empty. The chatter, the music, the constant hum of life. All gone.

It's just me, Mickey, and Rosa, who stands a few feet away with her arms crossed, her expression tight with concern but gentle.

"You scared the shit out of us," Mickey says, his voice breaking on a shaky laugh. "One second you were there, the next… fuck, mi amor (my love)…"

I try to speak, but my throat burns and the words crumble before they reach my tongue. All I manage is a small, choked sound.

"Shh, take it easy," he whispers, leaning in to press his forehead gently against mine. "Don't push yourself, okay?"

I feel a tremor run through me, and my own tears finally spill over, sliding hot and helpless down my temples.

Rosa steps forward then, her voice soft and steady. "We cleared everyone out. Gave you some space. You're safe, okay? You're safe."

I try to nod, but everything still feels too heavy. My chest aches with embarrassment, shame wrapping around my ribs like barbed wire.

This is not how I wanted things to go.

I ruined Mickey's weekend.

I haven't even gotten to meet his mom yet. She was picking up something she forgot at the store when we arrived.

Mickey pulls back just enough to look at me, his eyes scanning every inch of my face like he's memorizing me all over again. "Baby, what happened?" he whispers, asking himself more than me.

The dam inside me finally breaks. A sob rips through my chest, raw and sharp, and I cover my face with my hands as if I can hide from him, from all of this.

Mickey pulls me up gently, wrapping his arms around me so tightly I feel like I might disappear into him. He rocks us slowly, one hand smoothing up and down my back, the other cradling my head against his shoulder.

"Shh… it's okay. You're okay. I've got you," His voice cracks on some of the words, and I feel his lips press to my hair, my temple, anywhere he can reach.

Gradually, my sobs start to soften, turning into small, hiccupping gasps. My fingers clutch at the fabric of his shirt, trying to ground myself in his presence.

Rosa reappears beside us, her face full of quiet understanding. She hands me a glass of water, and my shaking fingers barely manage to hold it.

"Thank you," I croak out, voice shredded and small.

I sip the water, trying to steady my breathing. My throat still feels tight, my face hot and blotchy.

"I'm sorry," I whisper finally, words tumbling out like an avalanche. "I'm so sorry, Mickey. I ruined your weekend. I know you were looking forward to relaxing and having fun with everyone. I… I've just been so stressed and in my head, worrying about your family not liking me. I… I ruined everything."

Rosa lays a gentle hand on my shoulder, squeezing once before glancing at Mickey. "I'll give you two some space, Mick." she says softly, her eyes kind. She slips quietly out of the room.

Mickey shakes his head immediately, cupping my face between his hands again. "Hey. No. You didn't ruin anything," he says firmly. “You didn't ruin anything, hermosa (beautiful). You don't gotta stress about any of that. My family? They already love you. They loved you before you even stepped through that door.”

"How do you know that?" I shoot back, my voice rising again, full of panic. "I probably messed everything up. I embarrassed myself. They probably think I'm-"

"Stop," he interrupts, his thumb brushing over my damp cheek. "I know because that's how it is with us. Family loves family, no matter what."

"But I'm not your family," I choke out. "I'm just… I'm your girlfriend."

His eyes flinch slightly at the word "just," the hurt flashing across his face before he schools it back into softness.

"You are my family," he says, low and steady, like he's anchoring himself in the words. "You're my girlfriend, and that makes you family. It doesn't matter if we're married or not. I love you with my entire heart. I would do anything for you. You're family." his gaze is firm, and his words are serious. "My family? We don't have no checklist or tests before deciding if someone deserves love. If you love 'em, they love you. That's it. No conditions. No strings attached."

I stare at him, my mouth opening and closing as more tears well up.

"Mickey," I whisper, my voice barely there, "I don't know how to do this. To have a family." I admit, embarrassed.

His eyebrows pull together, confusion. "What do you mean?" he asks, his hands still gentle on my face, thumbs catching each new tear as it falls.

"Mickey," I whisper again, my throat tightening so hard it hurts. "I don't know how to have a family because… I don't talk to mine. At all. None of them."

His eyes widen, his hands frozen on my cheeks.

"I don't see them on Christmas," I continue, my voice breaking in new, jagged places. "I don't eat with them on Thanksgiving. They don't call me on my birthday. I haven't seen them since I left the house."

He looks like he's about to say something, but the words keep pouring out of me, unstoppable, each one tearing something open inside.

"All of this. The big family dinners, the birthday parties, the aunts and uncles who want to know everything about you, the kids who run up for hugs... I never had that. I never did. Not as a kid, not as a teen, not now."

My voice cracks again, my entire body shaking.

"They didn't want to be a part of my life from the beginning, so they just… weren't. They left me to take care of myself. They didn't come to my graduation or any of my soccer games. They didn't help me move out. They just… disappeared. I tried reaching out to them. I tried for a long time. They just don't give a shit. So I gave up."

Mickey's eyes fill with tears, his mouth parting in a silent, horrified gasp.

"I never spent time with extended family either," I force out, my shoulders curling in like I'm trying to make myself smaller. "I don't even know who my grandparents are. Or my cousins. I've never met any of them. I don't even know their names. I don't have a family, Mickey. I never did. Not like yours."

I feel myself shrinking under the weight of my own words, under the truth I've carried alone for so long.

"I had a lonely childhood, Mickey," I whisper, almost inaudible now. "Lonely in every way you can imagine. I didn't have any of this. I don't know how to exist inside it. I don't know how to let so many people love me."

He looks like he's been punched, his tears finally spilling over as he pulls me closer, wrapping his arms around me like he can protect me from the past itself.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he chokes out, his voice shaking almost as much as his hands. "Why didn't you ever tell me any of this? All this time...you never said anything."

I bury my face against his chest, my eyes blurry with tears.

"Because I didn't want to make you feel bad," I rasp, the words muffled against him. "I didn't want you to feel like you had to stop talking about your family around me, or like you had to hide your happiness just because I… because I didn't have it."

"I'm so sorry," Mickey breathes out, his voice ragged and full of pain. He presses his forehead to mine again, his fingers trembling against my cheeks. "I'm so sorry you had to deal with all of that alone. If I had known… if I'd known, I would've done this so differently."

His voice is full of regret. "I wouldn't have put you in this position," he continues. "I shouldn't have… I should've started small. Just my parents first, eased you in. I actually thought about that at the beginning, but then…" He lets out a shaky, bitter laugh. "I was just so damn excited for everyone to know you, to see how wonderful you are. I got carried away. I didn't think about how stressful... how completely overwhelming, this all must've been for you. It was selfish. I'm so sorry I put you in that position. That you felt like you had to be here. That you couldn't be honest with me." His head drops slightly, guilt pooling in his eyes as they flick up to mine. "That's on me. It is."

I shake my head quickly, my hands flying up to grab his wrists. "No, no, Mickey… this isn't your fault," I manage to croak out, my voice cracking under the weight of the words. "I handled it wrong. Me. I made the decision not to tell you. How were you supposed to know? You can't read my mind."

I bite my lip.

"I was scared," I confess, the words spilling out in a rush now. "I didn't handle it right. I just… I wanted to support you, no matter what. I thought I could handle it. I thought if I just kept smiling, I could get through it for you. That eventually, I'd find a way to fit in and like it. That I'd get used to it and learn what to do."

I suck in a sharp breath, fighting the tremor in my jaw.

"I was scared you wouldn't want to be with me anymore if you knew," I whisper, my gaze dropping to our joined hands. "You love your family so much. You're this… big family guy. You light up so much when you talk to them... when you're around them. And I thought… I thought if you knew I didn't have that, that I didn't even know how to have that… you'd think I'd be bad at it. That I couldn't ever be good at having a family with you someday if I can't even keep my own. I was so scared," I choke out. "So scared of losing you."

Mickey's arms tighten around me immediately, his fingers digging into my back like he's terrified I'll vanish if he loosens his grip even a little.

"Hey… hey, look at me," he whispers, his voice rough but so gentle. He pulls back just enough to tilt my chin up, his beautiful brown eyes looking into mine.

"Listen to me, hermosa (beautiful)," he says, his voice firm but trembling. "No. Don't you ever think I'd leave you over that. Ever. That's not even… that's not even a thing. That would never even cross my mind. It's not your fault," he says, shaking his head, his dark hair falling into his eyes. "You tried. You tried with them, and they made their decision. That's on them. You deserved so much better than what they gave you. You deserved a family that showed up. A family that celebrated you, protected you, loved you without conditions. And I hate... I hate that you didn't get that. I hate that they made you feel like you had to do it all alone. Because that's not what family is supposed to be like."

He takes a small breath, like he's trying to calm himself.

"I would never love you based on whether you had a good family or not," he whispers, his thumb stroking slow circles against my skin. "That has nothing to do with it. Nothing. I love you because of you. Because of who you are. Your heart, your kindness, your patience, your stubbornness when you care about something, because you look at me like I'm the only guy in the world, even when I'm being an idiot. I love you because you're funny and you're the most beautiful woman I've ever known. Inside and out."

He draws in a shuddering breath, his fingers tightly drawing around mine.

"I wanna build a family with you someday," he murmurs against my skin. "Not 'cause of what you did or didn't have. But because of who you are. You're gonna be such an amazing mom someday, I know it. You're already the most patient, sweetest, strongest person I know."

He lets out a shaky breath, leaning back just enough to see my face, his hands still framing my cheeks.

"Your family didn't teach you how to love, but you still do it better than anyone I've ever met. You didn't have them, but you still became you. And that's what I love. That's why I love you. You didn't get the family you deserved growing up, but… you got me now, okay? You got me. And I'm not going anywhere. And they might seem a little intimidating right now, but you've got my entire family too. I've got enough for the both of us."

I let out watery laugh. "You do have quite a few family members." I sniff, trying to wipe at my cheeks.

Mickey laughs too, this soft, breathy sound that shakes against my forehead.

"Yeah, you're tellin' me," he teases, a playful glint cutting through the tears in his eyes. "Trust me, I lose track of cousins all the time. I'm pretty sure there's a few I still haven't met yet."

He leans in, brushing a gentle kiss over my lips, quick and tender, like he's afraid I might break if he lingers too long.

"But that's okay," he murmurs, pressing his forehead to mine again. "You don't gotta memorize them all tonight. You don't gotta do anything but just… be here. With me. That's all I want."

His thumb strokes my cheek again, and he gives me that soft, crooked smile I've always loved. The one that makes me feel safe, seen, and wanted all at once.

"You got me, my vida (my life)," he whispers one last time. "Always."

-----

"Are you sure you're ready for this?" Mickey asks for the 3rd time.

"Yes, I'm really sure. It's just your mom and dad, Mick." I reassure him.

He squints at me, tilting his head a little like he's trying to see through me. "Mmm… I dunno. You sure you're not just sayin' that 'cause you think I'll stop asking?"

I roll my eyes, giving him a gentle shove to the chest.

He snorts, but his face softens right away. "Alright… but hey... if it gets to be too much, you tell me, okay? No toughing it out this time. You already scared the crap outta me once, let's not go for round two. You didn't get a concussion last time, but let's not push our luck."

It's been about an hour since I passed out, and honestly, I feel so much better now. Telling Mickey everything lifted a weight I didn't even realize I was dragging around.

We decided together that it'd be better to meet people in smaller groups. No more full-house ambushes. We're going to start meeting with people right after I meet his parents.

I'm a little nervous. They're his parents, after all, but it's nothing like the tidal wave of panic I felt earlier.

This time, I actually feel… ready.

Mickey gives my hand a quick squeeze before leading me toward the kitchen, where his parents are waiting.

"Okay, deep breath," he whispers, leaning in close enough that his nose brushes my cheek. "You got this. Remember, they already love you. No need to try to impress them."

I laugh shakily, squeezing his fingers back.

When we step into the kitchen, his mom is bustling around near the stove while his dad stands by the counter, sipping a mug of something warm.

The second his mom sees me, she gasps, dropping the towel in her hands.

"Ay, mija (daughter)!" she cries, rushing over so fast I barely have time to react. She cups my face, her eyes wide and glossy. "Are you okay? Miguel told me what happened. you scared us all half to death!"

Before I can answer, she pulls me into a tight hug, strong and all-encompassing, the kind of hug that feels like it might hold you up if your knees give out.

"You need some water," she declares immediately, pulling back just enough to look me over, like she's checking for injuries. "And food. You have to eat something. You need energy. Sit, sit!"

She practically ushers me to a chair before I can get a word in, already reaching for a glass.

Mickey's dad steps forward then, his eyes kind and warm, a gentle smile on his face. "We're so happy to finally meet you," he says, offering his hand before leaning in to kiss my cheek. "Bienvenida (Welcome). Welcome to the family."

My heart twists, the warmth of it all settling deep in my chest.

"Th-thank you," I manage to stammer, overwhelmed but in a completely different, softer way than before. "It's great to meet you both."

"It's great to meet you too." Mickey's mom smiles.

Mickey slides in beside me, grinning like an idiot as he watches his mom fuss over me. "Told you," he teases under his breath. "She's gonna coddle you all evening."

His mom shoots him a sharp look. "Mickey! Let her drink her water first before you start making jokes."

"Sí, señora, (Yes, Ma'am)" he laughs, raising his hands in surrender, though he's still clearly beaming with pride.

She turns back to me, gently pushing a glass into my hands. "Drink," she insists, her eyes kind but firm. "And eat something too. You're family now. You don't leave my kitchen without a full plate and a full heart."

I can't help it. My eyes sting again, but this time from something so warm it almost feels like relief.

"Thank you," I whisper, voice trembling as I take a sip.

"Of course, mija," she says, pressing a kiss to the top of my head like I've always belonged here.

Mickey wraps his arm around my shoulders then, squeezing gently. "Told you," he murmurs again, softer this time. "You got us now. All of us."

For the first time, I have what I've always wanted.

A family.

[sanyu-thewitch05]

Kinktober Post

Yandere Vampire x Princess in a tower

Pt. 2

Kofi: https://ko-fi.com/cherie47467

TW: Mind control, drugging, blood, dubcon

In a dark tower in the woods, is a girl in a white nightgown. Her hands are bound by chains attached to a wall, and her neck is the same. From the looks of the room, she had been there for ages. Her face is thin, and her hair is as stringy as straw. She has waited for her hero to come, but it seems she may die before it happens. That girl was you. A princess who got put into a tower as a sick way to kill you so he can marry another. You wish your life was like one of those fairytales, but that seems impossible.

"Hello? Is anyone in here?" A voice yells, walking up the steps.

You try to make noise come out of your throat, but it's no use. You shake your arms a bit, rattling your chains. Your savior comes into your room, his eyes full of pity. He's the most beautiful man you've seen alive. His hair is long and black, his brown skin is as clear as glass, and his chiseled chest can't even be contained by his white v-neck blouse. Every part of his body is a work of art—especially those enchanting purple eyes of his.

"Oh, you poor darling. I'll get these chains off of you," The man says, breaking your chains with his bare hands. "Can you get up?"

You shake your head no, and he picks you up.

"Don't worry, I'll bring you to the carriage," He says, carrying your body out of the tower and to the outside world.

The sun blinds you, hurting your eyes as sunlight enters your eyes for the first time in a few months. You bury your head in your savior's shirt, trying to block out the light.

"Aw, darling, I had no idea you liked me so much," He chuckles, putting you in the carriage, drawing the curtains on the windows, and shutting the door. "Now that it's darker, why don't we start with an introduction? My name is Roman Beaudelaire, and I am one of the many dukes of this kingdom. I know your throat is too weak to speak, so I shall not force you to say anything."

You sigh and put your head on the sides of the carriage. Your body has never felt more tired.

"Once you're at my estate, you'll be taken care of. Now, rest. You need it," Roman says, his eyes looking more beautiful by the second.

You fall asleep, and when you wake up, you're in a bed with silky red and black sheets. Your old nightgown is gone, and you're wearing a new one that's pastel pink with bows on the sleeves. Its material is soft and makes you never want to take it off.

"Lunch, my darling?" Roman inquires, bringing in a plate of the finest foods to eat. "I brought some of the smaller crabs from the port, fruits, and some herbal tea. I hope you like it."

You touch a crab on the plate, feeling the texture of its body. It's been so long since you've seen the outside world, you've forgotten what some things are and look like. Roman chuckles, sitting on the bed, grabbing a crab from your plate, and cracks a leg for you. The meat looks so delicious and red you want to gulp it down immediately. You grab his hand, scarfing down the piece of crab meat.

"No need to rush, darling. I won't take the food from you. But please be sure to drink your tea. It'll help you feel better," Roman says, enjoying your reaction to the food.

You drink some of the tea, and your body instantly feels better. Your vocal cords feel like they're coated in honey, ready to speak forever.

"Woah, it really did help me feel better," You say, surprised you heard your own voice.

"I'll come back later to collect your dishes," Roman responds, kissing your cheek.

~~~~~~~~~~

For the past few days, you've been eating Roman's food and tea, and eventually, you've gained the strength to explore his estate. You've wandered through the gardens and walked through the library, touching every soft and dusty book. You've even managed to accidentally discover Roman's bedroom when you were exploring the hidden passageways. Admittedly, he escorted you out, before you could question the lack of light in his room, but you'll just ask him about it later when he visits for his nightly chat with you. Hours pass by while you wait in your bed for Roman. Eventually, the clock strikes twelve, and you fall asleep thinking you'll wake up with him on the other side of the mattress.

But you're sleep doesn't last long, as you hear a heavy creak above you. You open your eyes and find a pale creature with long fangs in Roman's clothes holding onto the ceiling. You make eye contact and scream, getting out of bed. You run for the door, but the creature appears before you.

"Please don't hurt me," You beg, back up to the bed.

"Don't you think you should pay me back for nursing you back to health from your disastrous condition? I put my own blood in the tea so your body could heal faster," Roman says, pushing you onto the bed. "Admittedly, the gradual blood loss made me look like a pale corpse, but it's all worth it. I get to have my own princess and soulmate to myself."

"How do you want me to pay you back?" You ask, watching Roman's finger go down your cheek.

"I want you. I want your body and blood," Roman answers, his dry lips kissing your neck. "Whichever one comes first is up to you."

"Blood."

Roman looks at you with his purple eyes, and you feel weak and aroused.

"That's it, relax and let your savior pleasure you," Roman says, slipping your night dress down.

He kisses your shoulder, then penetrates it with his teeth. You moan a little, and Roman plays with your breast. As he sucks the blood out, his dick begins to rise.

"Darling, can you do me a favor and unbuckle my pants?" He asks, chuckling at your horny state.

You do as he says, undressing his lower half and revealing his unnaturally veiny cock. By the time he's done feeding from you, he's returned to his youthful state, ready to get the second part of his deal. He pulls down the rest of your nightgown, letting it fall to the floor, your pussy clothed by white panties. He lays you on your pillow, lining his head with your entrance. He bites your inner thigh, making you moan like crazy.

"That's it, darling. You like having your skin bitten," Roman coos, looking at your damp underwear. "You look ready, do you think so, darling?"

When he looks up at you, your hand is in your panties, getting off to him biting you to the point you don't even notice he stopped.

"Ah, ah, naughty girl. I'm supposed to be the one giving you pleasure," Roman scolds, pulling the hand out of your underwear.

You whine for more pleasure, and he sticks his hand into your panties. He rubs his middle finger against your clit, making you spread your legs.

"Oh, you're ready, darling," Roman teases, rubbing his hand faster so you cum.

He uses his sharp nails to shred your underwear, and you lift your legs up to your head for him. Roman lines his cock with your entrance and doesn't wait to start slamming the entire thing inside. You scream with delight, gripping your legs. His rhythm is fast and steady as if he's been waiting for you for centuries. He holds your waist, his nails pressing into your skin and drawing blood.

"Ah, please! Make me cum again!" You beg, tears in your eyes, feeling the pleasure high build again.

Roman's pace gets faster, and he leans down to your neck. He bites your neck, pushing venom out of his fangs and into your bloodstream. Your eyes roll to the back of your head, and you cum all over Roman's dick. In an unexpected move of pleasure, you bite Roman's shoulder, and he shivers in ecstasy. His cock shoots ropes of semen into you, coating your walls white.

"Didn't know you could bite that hard?" Roman teases, licking the blood off your neck puncture holes. "Once the venom is throughout your body we'll have days like this forever."

Your eyes focus on Roman, and you see those purple eyes that enchanted you at first sight. You hug his body, snuggling your head on his shoulders.

"That's right, darling. Relax, I'll be taking care of you. No need to explore beyond my estate's walls," He says, rubbing your head. "You only need to focus on me and how we'll be making some changes to your kingdom."

He kisses you, his tongue exploring your teeth and feeling your canines become fangs. He pulls out of you, cum spilling out of your hole, and pulls the bedsheets on you. He lies next to you on the bed, opening his arms so you can snuggle with him. You gladly move into his arms, and enjoy the feeling of his sweaty skin. You place your hands on his massive pecks, and he laughs.

"And you say I like your boobs," He laughs, his free hand going to your ass. "But, I must say I like this better."

He gladly fondles and gropes your body as you drift off to sleep in pleasure.

[yourfriendlyneighborhoodenby]

*slaps side of cybersix cartoon* this show can fit so many trans experiences in it

like, the genderfluidity of it all? you're is presenting as a man here with this identity and as a woman here with this identity but is always still you. one of the things the story says over and over about our protagonist's love interest is that, in whatever way, he cares so so much about our protagonist in Both of their identities. The story is not just about one it's about both.

a transmasc experience? The coat that's a bit too big for you but makes your shoulders look wider, the shirt that's big enough to hide in, your voice doesn't really pass and you're just hoping it'll be overlooked, you get hurt and you don't want to go to a hospital because they would see through the disguise, you don't want to give your name to someone who might realize it's not official. If they see through the disguise you're in danger. you've finally reached a part of your life where you can make connections freely as a person but there's always this doubt of is this real? do i deserve this? what if they knew? and they can't know because that would implicate them in the same danger. i cannot be this and live this all the time because of how i was created, because of the dangers around me. and at the end of the day, when it comes to the final hour, I'll have to give this up, won't I? you put the glasses down. but you survive anyway, and you can get them back, if you want.

but just. the more I watched of this show the more it's just absolutely hit me in the feels with a transfem narrative? like in the way galaxy the prettiest star has a 'you're in disguise as a man to keep yourself and those around you safe' transfem narrative and like specifically a partially closeted/sometimes in guymode transfem narrative. your childhood photo that you keep with you is ambiguous enough on your gender to not give anything away. you go to work in mens clothes that don't quite fit right with a man's name and you hope no one sees through that facade because if they do you would be in danger. You go home and at night you change your hair, you put on your makeup and nails and heels and you go back out as yourself. and you are incredibly strong and you are in incredible danger but deep in your heart you feel alive. and at the same time there is a voice in your head that says you are not real, you are not a real person. you are not the right kind of person. you are not the right kind of woman. you don't deserve the things that real people deserve. you'll try to turn away someone who loves you because of that but because he loves you for yourself he doesn't care. You face danger and you survive anyway and you're loved. It just. it hits me right in the feels. I love her.

so much trans. very gender.

[green-alien-turdz]

Hi, I know its been a minute n I don't really like that there is like one or two posts between this n my last 'i'm still alive' post. I'm sorry. I wanted to say thank you to everyone in general, but also the mfs who said some nice ass shit to me. Sorry I said some concernin ass shit n just dipped, that was pretty fucked. I never really had people care like all the people on here, so I ain't too used to havin to be more careful with the shit I do n say.

Thank you to everyone for the kind words, concern, n care. Comin back to see all of it made my fuckin heart melt. I know I'm just some dumbass postin south park shit on tumblr, but you guys are genuinely the most amazin mfs I've ever encountered. To the people who were in my inbox askin if I was still alive, I sincerely apologize for causin any stress or concern, it's not my intention. You guys are the sweetest people, and I'm sorry for doin that. I should prolly stop bein as vocal about bein so fucked, but I also like to be honest n I like sharin this shit bcuz I know mfs be goin through the same shit n bein alone in it feels fuckin awful majority of the time.

I am not well. I am doin very bad actually. There's a chance imma be forcefully medicated in the near future. Which is weird bcuz I used to always want that, I wanted to be fixed, but now I'm not sure for like a TON of reasons. One, ion wanna be changed (in a sense). If the meds take away or dull core aspects of myself, I will lose it further than I have already. Two, my parents raised me to never trust doctors or medicine, etc. Even though I do think modern medicine is a great thing, I still have my fears bcuz of how I was raised. Three, I fear the fuck outta what I will do. I know they warn that adjustment periods n shit like that can make things worse- but I literally cannot get any worse. If I do, I know I will not come out alive. Which bleeds into reason four, which is that I know, at some point, I would try n overdose. Handin me such a quick n thoughtless way to just end it is like the worst fuckin thing they could do. But whatever. Ion even know when it's gonna happen, all I know is that ion got a choice. Like, I'm pretty sure it's a situation that, if I don't comply, imma be locked tf up.

Uhh minor update shit- my cat came back home after almost a month of bein fuckin somewhere. She came back skinny, dirty, n sick, but she is slowly recoverin n I've never been more thankful. ED is still kickin my ass, but I'm forcin myself to at least have a fuckin soup I made bcuz I can't get shit done at work if I keep faintin or gettin injured. I have little to no time to do shitfuck, but still do random shit periodically before or after work. I actually redid my dresser n made some stupid ass video about the handles that I might post to youtube if I quit bein a pussy about it.

I haven't been drawin my fanart as of late- but I do want to. Imma focus on doin the requests I have bcuz I wanna give back the best I can. You guys stick with me through thick n thin. I thank you all so much. I'm sorry I'm always MIA. So my posts for a little bit are gonna be the requests n answerin all of my inbox. Ion know how long it'll take, but hopefully it won't get borin. I genuinely love makin things. I love drawin the shit I do n people findin some sort of connection to their lives or themselves. I just want people to feel less alone, less ugly, less whatever the fuck you feel. Each n every one of ya is fuckin amazin, so please don't forget it.

Imma stfu now. But I hope you guys have a good rest of your day or night or eternity. I'll be back to postin shortly, thank you for stickin with this shit show

[avon7ade]

Well... Hello! :) It's been a while, theres a bunch (too much for my own comfort tbh) of you now and I thought it would be nice to put thoughts into words. So sit there a bit if you're doing nothing and have a minute to spare me if you care, we might do a face reveal at the end...

A few days ago I read a post of a mutual here and basically he said something about how we should read bigger texts and get out of this 140 characteres and 15s videos and this connected with a post I've seen ages ago about how we should make this site go back to the blogging era, and I thought I should do my part! (I'm sorry about grammar errors!!! Not checking those)

I've vented on here before about how it was difficult to make people know I'm a person and not a blog, I'm not a themed blog, I'm not just a body, I'm not your horny escape. This seemed like a good time to make you know the person behind this, perhaps it'll help some understand her or maybe you'll just find out the annoying piece of shit I am, either way I put it out there, I did my part, the rest is with you, you can put yourself out there too, or maybe connect with this one here, even if you're hiding away (just be nice!) but we really should get back to putting chairs outside and just get to talking with our neighbours - human connection is what keeps us alive, I'll try and remember that, hope this helps you remember that too!

So... I don't know where to start! Kkkkk How about this: I'm the first daughter of the first daughter and first son of my grandparents, but the second grandaughter on one side (Gabriela was in a hurry to come see this world and broke my numbers). And since you know the name of my older cousin, might aswell tell you mine: I'm Melina, a name chosen because of the nickname Mel 🍯. I always had dogs (and many more animals) as a kid, I always died a little with every passing. I absolute adore having no shoes on, I hate cars, to be honest I'd ban them if I could, but I can't yet so.... I love water, to swin in it, to drink it, to bathe in it.. also a fan of showers. Water, plants, the moon and yellow lights have my heart in a way that I feel it's like those stupid mosquitoes and lamps. I have a weird relationship with music, I can go a really long time without it, maybe because I get immersed in reading and thinking so much that when I finally stop and remember I CAN and I should put something on I relax and then it's an on-off thing. I have a green thumb, except when it comes to seeds, those babies hate me. I have no problem getting rid of everything, going places and staying a long time away from family. I'm really good at accepting things/people as they are, and that makes me a terrible boss and even worse ambitious person. I will always try to find reason. I don't trust people easily. "Trust the process"? No, who wrote the process? Why should I trust them? Who said that this process should be happening like that in order for it to end the way I want? What if that's not the way I want?? In fact, I'm a wary person and yet.. you can take advantage of me sooooo easily! I'm laughing because that's ridiculous, but I'm getting better at setting boundaries... I hope. I'm usually the one that gets hurt, I think I did that to someone for the fisrt time last year and I hate myself for it (how you people do that?). I'm terrible at keeping in touch, I love my friends but I need the everyday life to show it, I need the long walks with no destiny, the sitting and staring at the sky, the let's get together and make something to eat, the helping with grocery shopping (fucking hate it, that's torture to me) those things... I don't think text does it. I used to write A LOT and even tho I might do that I suck at texting/keeping things going on the internet, I'm so bad, I think I've got nothing important to say and that it'll add absolutely nothing to your life and you might have already noticed that so if you say nothing I say nothing. I hate being a nuisance. I will not go to a place if I'm not invited. I believe too much in the power of words so I will not tell you something if I don't believe it, but I'm going also try and ease the blow if needed. I'm very perceptive, to the point I know what you mean by the way you act and you put your phrases together, so I'm a great friend to ask about others intentions to you but that doesn't work with me, you have to be very clear with what you mean/want. I have a total of 0.05 luck. I've got very few regrets, I think everything is a lesson worth learning from - except some and those go into the regrets category - I look at every possible outcome before making a decision.

I hate talking about myself. I hate taking pictures of myself (:

That's why this is happening, I'm talking about myself, I'm making peace with my body, I'm forcing myself to keep in touch, I'm learning to be open to the unknown. We need to grow as humans and baby steps, I'm trying. I had a really nice text prepared in mind - I was in the shower obviusly that would be were the masterpieces would be created - but that's it.

I talked, and talked, and talked too much with a first person pov (omfg! send help) and yet... You still know nothing about me. Keep that in mind. I didn't tell you about the hurt, the difficulties, the traumas, the ugly. Be nice to people it costs you literally nothing. I'm not a blog, even the ones here that are very.. not personal, that are just memes, and a themed colour or something... there's still a person behing that. Just be nice. 🤍

So I see you're in a hurry... I laugh everytime I look at this hope you enjoy it. Now go back!

[gaeiies]

I've already written a lot about it in my journal so I don't think I'll be exhaustive here, but I wanted to say something about it more publicly too.

I'm autistic myself and there are a few things I really like about him doing this.

First, he's not just donating money and being a face for a program someone else designed the way many other celebrities (at least in my country) do, sometimes more out of pity than actual interest and goodwill.

Second, he's doing it for the children and adolescents themselves. So much of the attention and resources are geared towards parents, siblings, other family and carers, and it seems that a lot of people don't even think autistic people could have an opinion about their own situation or could benefit from help themselves. We're very often portrayed as the burden that our parents have to carry (that, or as geniuses with savant syndrome...). It's dehumanizing (not sure that's the word I wanted to use but it'll do for now) and also implies that our parents deserve praise because they're doing a good job or trying their bost. I'll let you know autistic people can have abusive parents too, parents that refuse to accomodate their children's needs and we don't have to be grateful that they didn't kill us and did the bare minimum to keep children alive. Or did stuff that was meant to appease others, to look normal and acceptable to the rest of society, but was useless or harmful to their children.

On the same note, he's helping them develop useful skills to express themselves. Not teaching them how to behave in public like zoo monkeys that have to entertain "normal people", but skills they'll benefit from regardless of the people they're surrounded with. I think that could have been very useful for me and I'm still figuring stuff out in this domain. I'm even surprised I managed to write something this coherent and clear, at first I was 'I love this but I couldn't explain why' and that's how I feel about a lot of other stuff.

The only downsides I could find are that the center will have ABA and I haven't gone through it, but I know a lot of autistic people (not their families!) aren't fans and were traumatized by it, so I hope they're either doing something that they call ABA but is different from what thesen people went through and isn't harmful, or that they'll phase this out, especially if studies show his MIND program help make progress;

and that this is geared towards minors only (the press release mentions an 18-year-old, so not just young children). I'm an adult diagnosed in high school and didn't get much support, haven't had any in years, don't think I will have any soon, not even basic therapy, because there aren't enough therapists/psychiatrists/speech therapists, etc. and kids have priority over me. I understand the logic behind this choice, but I wish adult needs were at least acknowledged. I also don't want it to result in too much pressure on the children where people think "you went through programs and therapy and everything so you should act normal and handle everything now, don't ask for accomodations" (not talking about him here -- I know that's not his intent at all). I also think autistic people probably need therapy at every stage in their life, especially if there's been a change/transition (higher ed, getting a job, etc), so even children who've had support growing up will need to have something later. Right now the center just opened so I understand that they're starting with a limited range of programs, but I hope they'll expand and doctors won't ignore us!

A bit off-topic but I wish people would stop saying "SK is so unaccepting towards disabled people blah blah blah". Most if not all of the world is. My Western European country isn't any better trust me. For instance, SK is doing 탈시설 - deinstitutionalization, getting disabled people out of 'homes' where really they were neglected and abused and segregated from the rest of society. France is worse in this respect. The way a lot of people talk about SK is honestly very othering, condescending and ignorant. It's not some hellhole your poor oppas are stuck in, it's a country with its flaws and charms and plenty of nice people, shitty people too like there are everywhere. The way the people reacted to the failed coup should tell you that there are plenty of decent people in South Korea. It's also very comfortable to live for some autistic people (like me when I was on a working-holiday visa), because you can live with relatively little social interactions and that makes some things less intimidating (but it's not like cashiers, baristas, etc are gone either -- it just means I can take my time to choose at a kiosk, look up the exact place a book is in a bookshop online without asking a salesperson); it's also a great place for fangirling with lots of events with like-minded people, a great way to have social interactions and meet people in a safe setting where I can dive into my special interest (BTS for instance) without feeling uncomfortable or being too much, where I can collect little BT21 plushies I love easily, where I can buy fantastic stationery (other interest of mine since forever) and learning material (I'm a language nerd and studied Korean history on the side too), etc. I have to add that during this year people were nearly always (very) nice to me. (Yes I'm white I know.) I never disclosed that I'm autistic and I never had issues with people berating me for my behavior or making me feel uncomfortable, but encountered people who were kind and patient and even spoke English to make me feel comfortable when Korean was fine (taking a Korean history exam in Korean for Koreans - the man proctoring going out of his way to speak English with me made me feel welcomed). I strongly recommend visiting if you can afford it and learning Korean, you'll see experiencing all of this directly is a pleasant experience :)

[lizzable]

I read all the comments and messages on my latest spiral, I hope this reads a bit more sane. I feel more sane. I'm feeling better in a lot of ways. I do feel much better about being here in this community. I believe the fic can wait and it'll be okay. And I've been talking on discord a lot which has helped me to not feel as isolated and strange. Even if a lot of it is just keeping people from spamming spiders in the chat or trying not to doxx myself.

Big old rant about my weird day under the cut.

I started the day by having a moment where I realised how much I would be missed if I weren't here any more and that broke my heart so I think I'm heading in the right direction now mentally. It keeps running through my mind. It was a sad moment but it might be a good thing.

I turned into a cocoon and ate chocolate for a couple of hours. Didn't think I'd get out of bed today but here I am :)

I ticked some alive person boxes - I showered, ate, tidied, put some clothes on to wash.

I wrote a really tense scene which is going to be a big turning point in my story, even though it's floating around without context right now.

Then I sent some emails. I still haven't had a response from student advocacy around my situation. I messaged the person who is meant to be doing a group project with me to see if she's alive. Finally, I emailed the course coordinators to tell them this situation is not going to work as it is. Because I'm stressed out of my mind and I've just hit another wall and cannot stop crying every time I open my partially-complete assignments. So their response will decide whether I will lose my placement - my amazing placement that I'll never be lucky enough to get twice - or not. I'm hoping not, but that's not how the rules go.

Now I need to do a little grocery shopping. Someone said I should get a sweet treat and even though I ate chocolate this morning I think I'll do that. I should be studying but I just can't bring myself to right now. Too much crying.

In two hours I'll learn whether and when I can have surgery for my dumb ankle. It's usually okay - I can't jog or run for long but I can usually walk without pain - but yesterday I had a bad ankle day and was reminded why I've been trying to get it fixed in the first place. It's reconstructive surgery, not sure how much that will slow me down but it might make placement impossible too.

Another day another rant. I think I've done everything I can with uni. I feel like I have. I'm sorry I keep posting these. It's hard to talk about with the people in my life because we're all struggling, aren't we? And I'm already getting so much support just to be able to study. There's nothing more they can give, so I won't ask for it. I hope everyone is doing alright, I know lots of us aren't and it's not fair. I hope you're having a good day at the very least. I think mine is getting better :)

[aachria]

once again writing as im reading yk how it is

You apologizing in the notes for a longer chapter will never fail toget me hyped and sorta nervous 🧍‍♀️

SABO AND LUFFY REUNION I LOVE THEM

"So did you (get taller) , thank you for staying alive long enough for me to know that" aachria the writer that you are 😭 you always manage to make me emotional

Snakebite/fangs sabo my beloved ALSO SEPTUM PIERCING SABO??? HIM HAVING A SHIT TOM OF PIERCINGS??? AACHRIAAAAA. WRITE MORE SABO CHAPTERS AND MY LIFE IS YOURS.

"…Who the fuck picks a prosethetic that looks like Sans from Undertale???? " Sabo the man you are

AACHRIA. PLEASE. IM AT THE "ACE TO BE EXECUTED" PART. WTF. WHAT WHAT WHAT 😭 UHM. I knew my ass was being too hopeful about both of them being there 😕 i shouldn't have trusted you.

If Ace dies. I'll cry. /th. You'll cry too so please don't kill him 🙏‼️

NOOOO ED DONT BLAME YOURSELF ITS NOT UR FAULT YOU WERE LIKE ⅘S DEAD ATP FR

THE VIVRE CARD OMG AACHRIA PL3ASE HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO US HOW COULD YOU 😭😭

"I can’t save him. I can’t save him, I can’t save him I CAN’T SAVE HIM I CAN’T SAVE HIM— " ricky when i catch you Ricky. I dont wanna call this foreshadowing cause that might give you ideas and i predicted quite a bit of stiff right. So i predict Portgas D. Ace will Live.

MONKEY D. LUFFY THE MAN YOU ARE 😭

I want you to know i cried at the Luffy comforting and forgiving Ed part 😕

" “How can you say that?” I croak, trying to find any hint of dissension in his expression. “How can you not believe it?” he counters." 😕😕😕😕😭😭😭😭 you're a bully

ED COWBOY HAT ED COWBOY HAT ED COWBOY HAT OMG IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS BUT IT WOULDVE BEEN BETTER HAD ACE BEEN THE ONE TO GIVE IT TO THEM IN PERSON ANOTHER REMINDER THAT YOU'RE A BULLY. A MEAN MEAN BULLY 😭

ACES NOTE OMG I LOVE HIM SM HE BETTER NOT DIE 😭

" Bit of a shit way to meet and in law but hi" and then no elaboration is so funny 😭

PLANNING FUCK YEAH I ALWAYS LOVE THISE SEQUENCES IN FICS

Did. Did failure make ed forget about the kuma sending everyone away thing? Or are they gonna try to put it off til after marineford??? Or is it just not gonna happen at all???

Ed repeatedly saying "i love competent people" with kore and more intensity 3ach time is so real what a mood

Jonah mentioned 🤭 love to see sabo and ace bonding

ED AND LUFFY PRISON BREAK ED AND LUFFY PRISON BREAK ED AND LUFFY PRISON BREAK ED AND LUFFY PRISON BREAK

"Unquestionably" 🤭🤭🤭

im still worried abt wtf is gonna happen a propos the strawhats separation

Amazing chapter as always excited to see the next chapter that you might post on Wednesday THANK YOU SO MUCH ‼️

GUYS I PROMIE I'M NOT APOLOGIZING I'M MAKING A STATEMENT BECAUSE I'M A BIG CONSISTENCY GIRLIE AND I FIGURE YOU'D LIKE TO KNOW GOING IN THAT IT'LL BE LONGER THAN YOU'D TYPICALLY THINK. LIKE IF YOU THINK YOU CAN READ A CHAPTER BEFORE GOING SOMEWHERE AND DON'T GET TO FINISH BECAUSE IT'S LONGER THAN YOU EXPECED. I DON'T KNOW.

but yeah getting you hyped and nervous is pretty much the intended effect.

I was trying real hard to keep faithful to the feelings from the canon Sabo and Luffy reunion while also not having Ace being DEAD as the driving force of the thanks (the ASL brothers thanking each other is something that can be so personal—) and I'm, if nothing else, content with where it ended up. Fuckin' love those two.

Nothing shows how much you love a character like giving them fucktons of piercings and just generally disregarding their canon design. He is my special little guy and I will make him strange and weird like he deserves and if that included stealing his fucking eye and making it more awesome and also poking a myriad of holes in his face, who's to stop me?

I am terribly trustworthy excuse you. I never said I wasn't going to do terrible things. I asked if you thought I'd do terrible things and I hoped I wouldn't do terrible things, but I never made any promises. Hheh.

I also make no promises not to kill Ace. For the record. But I will cry absolutely.

If there's one thing about Ed, it's that if they're given a chance they will martyr the SHIT out of ANYTHING. Like pookie please your saviour complex is showing.

I was so ready for someone to call out the recurring smoked fish joke like 'hmmmm smoked fish you say kinda of like SMOKE from something BURNING IS IT?!" and then that didn't happen and I felt vindicated. And please when have I ever used foreshadowing before. Doesn't sound like me at all.

Luffy is my hero you GO bestie COMFORT that idiot YEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH—

Look that cowboy hat is fantastic and my catalyst for cowboy Ed, who can only get more cowboy cunty from here. Nothing say pirate quite like a cowboy.

Oh yeah baby Ed is very aware of Kuma. There's a bunch of you shits who were real concerned about them forgetting and to that I say the first little sequence of next chapter was supposed to be on the end of last chapter, but it was already too damn long so I had to split 'er up. It'll make more sense when you read it.

I LOVE COMPOTENT PEOPLE ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ ED AND LUFFY PRISON BREAK ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️

Yeah.... the separation.........

Anyway yeah I didn't end up doing to Wed update because I had a bad week but there WILL be one this week ‼️‼️

[nerdthatsiriuslylovesteaxx]

Helpless part 79, they all say that it gets better but what if I don't?

"Thank you for all getting here on such short notice, I just- I thought you all needed to know what was going on." He looked at the people surrounding him, stood in a semicircle. Piper then Annabeth, Percy's arm was wrapped around her shoulders. Reyna was next to him and Hazel who was clinging to Frank, as if waiting for bad news. Jason stood next to the couple with Leo almost hiding behind him, trying to brace himself for anything that was about to be said. "Well, I'm not exactly sure what's going on with Nico." His voice shook as he spoke but he needed to carry on, act like it was some camper he barely knew, not his boyfriend laying there, half dead. He rolled the blanket down so you could just see the top of his chest, reveling the grey streaks that traced along his body. "They were darker before, I healed him a bit. Though I'm still not sure if it will work again, it was in a way I've never done before- I doubt I'll be able to do it again. Even then it hurt him and I just don't think it's worth the risk, it left burns on the places I'd left my hands and I have a feeling the more I do it the worse it'll get. Mortal things don't work, nectar and ambrosia do just about nothing now, like he's built partial immunity to them and my normal healing does nothing, it only worked the first night for the alcohol poisoning." He forced back the tears, trying to keep he voice steady and stable, he could do this, he told the entire Apollo cabin every single one of their siblings that died, at least now there's still hope. Then again that was a smaller crowd, five people left, including himself, second biggest to the smallest cabin almost overnight. Now the cabin was filled with a bunch of really young campers, most of them being six or seven. "He's stable but we don't know how to actually heal him. I don’t know what to do, Hazel said something about Persephone and pomegranate seeds, if any of you know anything that might work please tell me because right now we don’t know what to do.” No one spoke for a moment, just trying to process everything Will had said, trying desperately to think of an answer. Still not breaking the silence, Jason went up to Nico, putting a hand on his neck to find the pulse, almost reassuring himself he was alive. Squeezing his shoulder gently his whispered something to the son of Hades, too quiet for anyone to hear; eventually he stood beside him, relieved he could still hear his heartbeat, that he was still alive. Finally Reyna spoke, her voice shaking a little.

“He normally passes out for a while after he shadow travels and wakes up in a few days, are you sure it’s not that?”

“I- I’m not sure, the streaks worry me and from what I’ve seen it’s different. I haven’t seen him shadow travels that much but from what I’ve heard he can still be woken up afterwards, as if he’s just asleep. This... not so much."

"Will he be okay?" She held back tears, the two had grown close and she care for him like a sister, the thought of him dying... she couldn't bare it.

"I hope so." Hope was a last chance, when you're so hopeless that you rely on the fates, on the divine. The look in his eyes said it all, blind hope is all they have.

"Hazel, what do you know about Persephone?" The daughter of Athena spoke, ready to memorise every word she said. She would find a way to get those pomegranate seeds, Hades, she'd find a hundred other ways to save him if she had to.

"Not much but I do know a few important details. She has to give the seeds to you herself, she's the only one that can even get to them, stealing isn't an option. She won't give them to anyone, at least that's what Nico told me. She has to like you or like your reasons enough to help, you need to show her you care. Basically I don't think she'll give them up easily."

"Wait why?" Annabeth interrupted, making a list of qualifications in her mind.

"She cares about Nico but she doesn't exactly trust anyone else, she's probably only going to give it to someone she think really cares about him or something. Maybe Jason? I'm not actually sure who she likes but yeah." It didn't make much sense but you never questioned the logic of the gods, she probably just wanted to see a dramatic love story play out, that seemed in character.

"Couldn't you go? You know the Underworld better than all of us and you're his sister, Persephone would have to trust you." Percy added, hoping but doubting they would find a way to remove the Underworld as an option.

"I can't go to the Underworld, technically no one can; but if dad sees me I'll die again and anywhere Persephone is Hades won't be too far behind."

"I'll go." Will half whispered, trying to convince himself that he was capable more than the other. "I've been taking care of him for basically the last two weeks, probably more, I'll convince Persephone." He didn't bring up the fact that they were dating, they hadn't really gotten the chance to tell anyone and he wasn't sure Nico would be comfortable with them all knowing. Piper probably worked it out after the whole spell thing with Lou Ellen and he wouldn't be surprised if the others found out but just in case, he wouldn't say a word. "There's not much chance anything happens to Nico, he's pretty stable, and even then I trust Kayla."

"Mate are you sure this is a good idea? Sunshine and the Underworld aren't exactly a good combination, won't it affect you more?" Percy asked, he wanted to go, desperately, no matter how much he hated the Underworld, especially after Tartarus. Still it's his fault half of these things happened. If he'd kept a closer eye on him, asked him to stay longer, just checked in on him more, anything. He knew he would never be close to Nico, they had to much history to ever be like that; still he felt like a younger brother and he needed to take care of him. He'd failed so many times but still he would try to help him, he needed to go, he wanted to, desperately. He'd fucked up, he'd be the one to fix it. None of this would had happened if he remembered the prophecy, if he'd never let Bianca come, let alone risk her life where they knew someone would die. If he'd tried to find Nico after he ran away from camp, made sure people didn't act differently towards him after the war, never doubted that he was on the right side, never tried to choke him, been there for him, not letting him get absorbed within the dead where he would always hide. If he stopped to ask him if he needed help, if he was doing okay, if he wanted someone to talk to, maybe then things wouldn't have gotten this far. Even if this time wasn't intentional there was last time, he'd never forget seeing Nico's body, covered in blood, knowing he'd done that to himself, knowing every cut was intentional, it broke him.

"I'll be fine." Will answered, interrupting the son of Poseidon.

"There has to be a better way to do this, something that's more consistent, we don't even know if they'll work and we don't know how willing Persephone would be to kill us for going to the Underworld when it's forbidden. Even if we have to go there's got to be a better way, some sort of plan, we can't risk this blindly, we've already lost a lot of campers after two wars, I doubt anyone needs another dead friend. I'll be in my cabin researching; if anything, good or bad, happens to Nico, you will tell me as soon as possible." Annabeth said, leaving the infirmary, tears streaming down her face the second she was out of their sight, she didn't want anyone realising how doubtful she actually was.

"Guys Annie's right, no one's going anywhere without a proper plan and back up. I think we can all agree Leo's death was enough." Percy spoke with a shakey sigh, he'd come back in a few days but that moment when they all thought he was gone... no one wanted to relive that memory, Greek or Roman.

"I mean I wouldn't be mad if it was Jason dead." Piper shot; everyone else stared at, unable to speak, except for the son of Jupiter, looking towards the ground as he spoke.

"That makes two of us, have to say I probably deserve it."

"Jason, no, you don't fucking deserve it. Piper, what the fuck was that?" Hazel watched but there was no regret in the Aphrodite child's eyes, she want her to say something, anything, but all she got were scoffs and rolling eyes. "No fucking explanation? You really have nothing to say after that?"

"Hazel it's fine hone-"

"No it fucking isn't Gracie, she's not going to talk about you like that." Leo finally talked, subconsciously grabbing Jason's hand but letting go the moment he noticed, they didn't need to know yet. "PIPER WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? WHAT GIVES YOU THE FUCKING RIGHT TO SAY THAT AFTER EVERYTHING EVERYONE HERE HAS FUCKING BEEN THROUGH?"

"It's the truth, he's an asshole."

"FIRSTLY WHAT THE FUCK? SECONDLY NO, THIRDLY EVEN IF HE WAS THAT'S NOT A FUCKING EXCUSE. GET OUT BEFORE I SET YOU ON FIRE."

"YOU'RE THREATENING ME? FOR FUCKS SAKE VALDEZ I CAN MAKE YOU DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT, SO STOP DEFENDING THAT BITCH."

"STOP, DON'T YOU DARE SAY ANOTHER WORD ABOUT HIM

"HE EVEN ADMITTED HE DESERVED IT, gods he's such a twink."

"Piper, you seem to be forgetting I have a literal dragon. I am not opposed to letting Festus test out his new combat training on you."

"You're been so dramatic."

"Coming from you?"

"What the fuck is that meant to mean?!"

"I mean wanting your ex boyfriend dead."

"He's a freak anyways, and so what? He's a bitch."

"What about the whole 'my dads rich and famous, my life is so hard.'"

"What the fuck?"

"You see some of us didn't have that, almost everyone else here grew up homeless, unwanted or dirt poor so you can shut up about how much you hate your dad for once because at least you had a fucking parent. That's for dramatic, now time for your bitchy homophobic comments about Jason." No one else could get a word in, no matter how many times Jason tried to get them to stop they didn't hear anything over each others yelling.

"What the fuck does that mean? He's a twink, he's a freak, it's the truth." He could feel tears forming in his eye, well, that's what she really thought.

"You said them to hurt him; Piper get out because I might actually kill you."

"You have no authority here."

"And neither do you, but guess what? I do, McLean get out of the infirmary, you're disrupting my patients and everyone's work. Leo calm down or you'll be kicked out as well, understood?" Will was legitimately shocked by how little these two knew how to act in the infirmary, there were at least three people being kept here to rest because of exhaustion alone. He knew Leo meant good but he'd gotten very personal with the insults towards the end. "Is everything okay?" Jason had an arm around Leo, reassuring him that he'd done fine. Everyone else was talking about Piper's outburst, wondering how that had all just happened. After a mutter of 'fines' and 'okays' he kept speaking; "If any of you have any idea what could work can you please tell me? I don't know-"

"Everyone out of the infirmary unless you're a patient or working, Will I know you're here, get a room ready, we found Austin." He didn't freeze up like anyone else, made sure there was a room ready before getting everyone else out of the infirmary. He said a prayer to Apollo before walking into the room, he had to be perfect, he wasn't going to let the cabin seven kids lose another sibling.

***

[centercitychronicals]

Center City Chronicles: Tzu-tza X Anya

So in an effort to make sure I write this whole book out, I'm gonna be posting chapters here. Hope ya'll end up enjoying the story, it's my Lemurian universe I'm trying to flesh out. I'll still be doing Oc x reader posts in between when I get writer's block with the series though.

18+ story, but this first chapter I don't think would be considered NSFW, but I still am putting a cut to stay consistent since next chapter gets slightly steamy. Also feel free to comment constructive criticism, It'll help me make this enjoyable for all of ya'll reading this for the long run!!

Chapter 1 Tzu-tza

Tzu-tza’s tail wrapped around the rolling chair’s leg in his excitement. Today was to be the day that he was moving ground cities… ok so it was only going to be for a month, but he had high hopes that it would end up being permanent. He spun in the chain while he waited for the holo vid connection to finish trying to connect to Anya’s. 

“Anya…”, he sighed dreamily. She was to be his mate or well, wife in human terms. She was human after all and he was trying to make a point of incorporating the terms of her people into his vocabulary, but he still liked the term mate more. It felt more significant that the description that pulled up when you searched for the word wife. 

As he continued to daydream about her, the chime of the holo connecting made him jump and nearly topple from his chair as he flinched backwards, and then scrambled to both fling himself to face the holo vid and right the chair before he fell.

“Snnck,” Anya made a sound, trying to keep from snorting at what he was sure was what she saw on screen. Just seeing her, and hearing her mirth kept him from feeling too embarrassed by the situation.

“Anya! You uh…” He cleared his throat and steered the conversation away from his moment of clumsiness. “How are you on this fantastic day, love?” He beamed at her and she mirrored his happy expression while he leaned in, staring at her lovingly. 

Honestly, how did he ever get so lucky as to meet her on the dating nexus. Out of all the humans still alive after the invasion that had rocked both their worlds, he had found her. ‘Anya…’, he thought to himself happily as he waited for her to recount her day so far.

It was early in the day, so he was sure not too much had to have happened yet, but he still wanted to check in on how she was since last night. Was he clingy? Sure maybe some people would think that way, namely the females of his race, but Anya was different, she didn’t mind if he clinged a little… or alot at times.

“Good so far, finished packing this morning so I should get there by the time you get through your side of customs. What about yours Tzu-tsa?” He would never get over hearing her say his name. Alot of his fantasies were just of hearing it sighed from her lips.

“Fantastic! I’ve been packed since last night, aaaand…” He drew out the word as he bent over to open his duffle bag and pull out a fabric wrapped gift, before sitting back up and showing the small bundle with a grin. “I have a gift for you.” He finished, hoping she would be happy to know he was bringing her something. 

“Oh Tzu-tza, you didn’t have to do that.” She said, face falling slightly and he swallowed, not sure why she wasn’t excited at the idea of getting a gift. His eyes darted to it quickly and his smile lost a bit of its luster. Was it too small? Is it because he ruined the surprise of bringing a gift in a roundabout way?

“I wanted to,” He tried to reassure her, “Really, I just brought it up because I didn’t want to forget to give it to you if I got carried away when I see you later today. Do you not… want it?” He trailed off, second guessing the gift idea. 

“Oh no no. I actually love that you got me a gift, because I’m bringing you one too. I just don’t want you to feel like you had to go out of the way for me.” Anya said softly, her features brightening back to her earlier expression and Tzu-tza felt relieved that he hadn’t done something wrong with bringing the gift up via holo. Though he didn’t like that she thought he went out of his way to get her one.

“Oh good, I was worried… I mean good about you wanting the gift, not that…” He was munching his tail fur with this. Why did he still get so tongue-tied around her? Sighing, Tzu-tza slumped in his chair slightly. “Sorry, I suppose I’m just nervous since we finally get to meet in person.” He admitted softly and Anya’s expressions softened so that she smiled lovingly back at him at the admission.

“I know saying, “Don’t be” probably doesn’t help, but there really isn’t any reason to be worried Tzu-tza.” She began and it only slightly helped his nerves, but he appreciated her attempt. “Though I’m a bit nervous too.” She whispered conspiratorially and winked in a way that had him snorting and relaxing further.

After that, a few hours went by as they chatted about any and everything before Anya had to reluctantly hang up so she could start heading to customs. Tzu-tza sighed as the connection ended and he stretched, popping his back and then tail, since it was an extension of his spine and also liked to kink up on him when sitting still for too long.

Looking around at his small apartment, he couldn’t say that he was going to miss it. He was met with four corner posts of cement, and whatever metal they used to construct the small dwelling, to help hold up the weight of the many floors above him. It was his, and he was grateful to have had it, but it wasn’t a home. Not really anyways.

At one point he had tried to decorate, but it was pricey and honestly he had never felt like wasting his credits on this place. His species female’s were so few now that he knew he had no chance with one of them. Nor did he really want to have had a chance.

They were larger than him, than any of the males of their species really, and highly aggressive. It was why they were out, above ground, on the ruins of Earth helping the human military defend the underground cities that everyone just shortens to the term ground cities, not wanting to be reminded where they lived. 

It was a quirk picked up from the humans, since his species was more than comfortable living below the surface. But the humans are who they all liked to follow along with in many of the trends. What with it being mainly the males of his species left, and almost all of them were enamored with the humans.

Slowly he got up and double checked his bag to make sure everything he was bringing with him was in there. Happy that he had everything he wanted to keep in the immediate month following today, he left his apartment with a grin. 

Here and there he saw males with their children, and he hoped to be like them one day. Anya having children didn’t really matter to him, sure he hoped she would have them with him one day, but if they never had kids? Well he would just doubly spoil her. But still, a small male with tiny toes and her adorable rounded ears would be a delight. Or even a spitfire of a daughter with talons would be just as charming.

Though, honestly, if they ever did have kids before above ground was safe, he would probably prefer daughters. A daughter would be able to protect herself a lot easier than a son would, but he didn’t like the idea of her going to the front lines if that was the case. Regardless, he would ultimately be happy with however their life turned out, because he would have a loving mate to call his own, and he was sure they would be mates. Because he had never loved anyone like he already loved Anya.

Lost in thought he didn’t realize how fast he made it to customs, and once he did? The nerves set in, hard. While he was elated to finally cross over from his ground city to the one connecting both his and the human’s ground city together. He couldn’t help the way his heart began to beat, nor the way his palms began to sweat.

What if his height actually ended up bothering Anya afterall? He was used to the attraction standards being an almost 180 from what the humans had. What if she saw him and immediately thought having a taller mate was grotesque? While he looked similar enough to her species, as humans and lemurians were close enough genetically that they were practically cousins. 

Plenty of hybrid children had already been born already from mating between the two species these past few years. Yet still he was a good foot taller than her at 7’1 and she being 5’6. He wasn’t used to that, and while he found the idea of a shorter mate charming - definitely all the easier to snuggle and love on - he also knew that human males didn’t normally have that sort of height advantage on their females either.

Pursing his lips he shook his head to try and clear his worries away. There was no use panicking over this, if she didn’t want someone taller she would have brought it up by now… he hoped at least. Then slowly, he made his way to customs.

[al1ve1]

INTRO POST!!!

Hiii hello I'm Alive and this is my DHMIS blog where I'll maybe post some fanarts and headcannons.

——————————————————————————

｡ I mainly go by she/her but I don't mind they/them pronouns

｡ I love LOVE LOVE!!! DHMIS (what a shocker) and I pretty much like every characters — except Edward Stain. Do not mention that fucker around me i'll cry/j

｡ I'm pretty forgetful 😭 like really

｡ Sorry to all my TMMS followers!! Ive lost all interest already and thought that it'd be better if I used my main blog instead of a side blog. Maybe ill post some content about it in the near future

— UPDATE!!!! I became interested in it again and am currently posting about it on my sideblock @al1ve11

｡ my artstyle is very inconsistent

｡ I have a tiktok account where I also sometimes post some DHMIS (or other interests) . And i'm lowkey bad at handling 2 different social medias at the same time so if I'm more active here it'll mean i'm not gonna post a lot on tiktok and vice versa (user is m0rt.is if you're interested)

｡ I'm lowkey dense when trying to know if something is a joke or not so tonetags are greatly appreciated

｡ I loooove rarepairs smm and I will often ship random ass characters for fun and forget about them the day after. If you're the type of partypooper to cry because of thoses ships just don't interact.

｡ I might make some inappropriate jokes sometimes

｡ I'll either be very chatty or dry as hell so please dont take it personally if I dont talk a lot😭 That's just how I am

-> + Im highkey socially awkward and overthink too much when responding to someone so sorry for that

｡ I'm the trashcans BIGGEST most DEVOTED fan!!!! I might not post a lot about him but trust me i truly love him. Also i might use him as a persona sometimes so yea

｡ Also if you know me from my tiktok you'll prolly notice i'm kind of more laidback on this blog and that's because some of my irl friends follow my tiktok account (theyre chill but i still feel a bit limited about the content i want to make) and i don't think they'll find me here

｡ I'm REALLY bad at explaining myself and how I feel so please be patient with me

Also don't hesitate to send some asks or art requests !! I would love answering them

I think that's all I have to put here for now (might add some things in the future) but I hope you'll atleast find some enjoyement out of my art :∆

[niuttuc]

magic subject: upcoming planes/sets

Hope you’re having a good week! :3

I'll try to stay brief because there are a lot of those.

Thunder Junction: I was expecting to like this set more than I have been. The tropey character twists of MKM and the fact they just dropped a dozen existing named characters without really getting any deeper on any of them makes me roll my eyes more than anything, I'd have liked an actual new set of characters for once.

Modern Horizons III: Excited for some fun designs, dreading some pushed designs, baffled by commander precons, like the idea of new sparkers.

Assassin's Creed: I have mostly no care for that franchise or the associated designs so far. It'll exist. I'm a bit amused that they committed to the small booster formula so far and with another company before the first one even went to print and faceplanted.

Bloomburrow: Cute and new! Well, except for the fursona bonus sheet, but hopefully that's just a fun addition and it's not another set of "new setting, but all old characters" again, because we haven't had something new in a good while. At least it's a bit less tropey a space than Western or Detectives.

Duskmourn: Now that we've seen Thunder Junction and MKM, I expect the modern horror set to also be pretty shallow, and it's not a genre I have much investment in. Hopefully they don't feel the need to make it all about known characters being trapped in the mansion!

Innistrad Remastered: Would have been much better instead of Double Feature, and also probably will get forgotten like the last few remastered sets that were overpriced and/or underprinted. Be honest, whoever is reading this: did you remember they announced that?

Interplanar Death Race set: Chaining together genres that I don't care much or any about, though given its nature I expect this one will be old characters at least, as it should be.

Return to Tarkir: Finally we get development on that situation of returning Khans! We do, right?

Final Fantasy: I'm not the biggest Final Fantasy fan, I've played a couple of them, but it's the same kind of set as LotR was, and that was a success regardless, and there's a lot of material to pull from in Final Fantasy. Cautiously optimistic.

Space Set: Neat! I hope they pull it off and make it feel expansive and alive without invalidating the rest of the game!

Return to Lorwyn: A bit too far into the future to know what to expect, but the one narrow and unhelpful look at Lorwyn in March of the Machine did not make me hopeful for the return, especially with how the previous block ended!

Return to Arcavios: That's a lot of returns! Hopefully this is about Arcavios as a whole and not as focused on Strixhaven. Honestly had forgotten this was a set!

First Marvel booster set: See Final Fantasy. Thankfully, probably will be focused on the comics moreso than the MCU. But wouldn't surprise me if the different sets are different comic book runs. We don't know enough details to give a real opinion.

Finale to the multi-year story arc: I imagine the arc will end with battling returning Fomori or a big villain taking control of their tech in some way. It's starting pretty slowly for now, so can't really guess much about this one.

[taegularities]

are your 20s supposed to be scary?? i just turned 20 and had one of the worst bdays of my life, but also have felt nothing but dread and anxiety about entering my 20s... ive always heard how chaotic your 20s feel, idk is it weird to just want to skip to my 30s when im more settled in life?

oh, my love. hug 🫂 i'm sorry you've been feeling that way :( it's totally normal to want to skip and fear that time. i won't lie, the 20s are a rollercoaster. it's the time of a lot of doubt, uncertainty, fears and stress… it's bc you're growing and peeking within yourself to find the true you and what makes you you. trying to find the truth about yourself and what you truly want comes with a certain anxiety and takes a bit of time.

but. you know. the 20s are so full of hope, too. bc you're entering this whole new phase of life and defining yourself, and it'll come with heartbreak sure, but it'll also come with new experiences, new people, new interests and a whole new spectrum of emotions!! the way i experienced it… it hurt sometimes, but that time also made me realise who i am at my core? i hope it'll be the same for you. all i can say is to fully cherish the good moments, and that when bad moments come, remember it'll get better, i promise you <3 even if it doesn't seem like it. (i honestly don't wanna jinx it, but for the longest time i thought things would remain shitty, but i promise they didn't <3). and thinking about it, life is always about ups and downs! settling in your 30s is great, but we'll be confronted with other hurdles, and that's okay, bc joy to pain, it's all part of life <3

another thing i wanna say is that… pls never forget to take care of yourself 🥺 never forget who you are!! if you like to draw or read or write or watch tv shows (or anything at all), keep that close to your heart bc sometimes it's this main thing that reminds us we're alive? you deserve to pamper yourself and enjoy all your time, so never forget your worth. bc like, i lived through half of the 20s until i realised how much time i actually wasted not doing things for myself that made me happy and instead allowing others to affect me?? so yeah, we won't get those years back, so make the bestest of them to your bestest ability. even a little is enough 🥺 also, apart from your loved ones, i'll be here if you need to rant your 20s chaos off your chest, too. mwah love you we're all here for you 🤍

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary614

6/7-8/25

saturday - sunday

they're gonna sell my grandma's house,

feel strange about that. basically unhappy but i expected that so i'm not mad really. but i'm upset i never really got to see it. my mom says there's not a lot left, she's going to go get some more stuff from it but no furniture remains. i wanted some of that... but never got it... should have spoken up but no one asked and i didn't know what was going on!! they're telling me pretty last minute. i don't think i'll ever get to see the house again. that's maybe the worst part, i don't know. i wanna see it but my mom sort of intoned over text that there isn't a lot to see, and so, you know, it'd be a waste of time. maybe. i dunno. i'm just sad, i don't like that she's gone, my grandma. i mean, everyone dies and she's been dead long enough it's not horrible feeling. it's just not good. i didn't speak to her enough. i should have learned japanese better and actually made her happy that way but i had such high expectations i drove myself crazy studying it. it was a mess. i wish i got to be in her presence more as an older person, older than when i saw her the most, as a kid, we lived with her a couple times over my life, she raised me when i was younger too, or helped a lot, like most grandparents do.

i wonder how her sister is. i think she might hate us, i think she might be right to hate us. she lives out here, is she alive, even. i hope she's okay, whatever that means, for her, alive or dead.

but today i also got another late start... i didn't force myself to do anything earlier!! but i did do vocal practice and lyric writing. i found out the easiest way to make myself do harsh vocals......

sing along with this. wow!! something about doing stuff in japanese helps me get a lot more expressive. i notice this any time i speak it for fun or something. not that i know enough to be coherent, this one's easy to sing along with because it's so simple lyrically. a lot of their other stuff is kind of twisted! but not this one, super simple, and the rolling the rs is really fun too. so this will probably become a mainstay with songs to sing along to do vocal warmups.

i've found that this one makes me want to sing along in my high register so it wakes that up, too:

the way he's so fucked up with his singing on this cover, just makes me want to do that. it makes me much better at doing yelpy stuff. that + the singing in japanese will probably make me do stranger things, on some of these songs, too.

the girl afraid cover is kind of irresistible to sing along with. something about someone being fucked up vocally like that really invites it i suppose, it makes it feel much more fun/forgiving.

but i also did a bunch of music stuff, did the slow down things i planned to do for the one song, happy with that, and then made a new guitar sound, and wrote 2 new songs. one's sub 1 minute and one's over. these two are really exciting to me, but new stuff's always exciting, we'll see how long it lasts/if i keep liking it. the playing guitar a lot more is really coming in handy, i'm finding, with coming up with riffs and chords, and having new 2 note chord shapes to play with, not being afraid of certain weirder voicings, trying to go for weird voicings. one of the new things is kind of brutal in how loud it is, so i need to sort that. unfortunate.

on the new ones, i've been fiddling a lot more with the cymbals/brass things, hats and such. hopefully it turns out okay, i'm trying to get them to punctuate a bit more. feels like depending on the song they drown themselves out a lot. maybe i have the chain set stupidly but i think the stupid routing gives it a bit of character, it helps make it more, i dunno, nasty sounding, all those things, which is what i want. i also tried a thing with the snare where i had a gate in parallel and when the gate's triggered it lets the snare through and then it'll go through spring reverb. i need to do some stuff i think to make that work better but it's a good idea. i just need the spring to sound super yucky, i need to find the yuckiest spring simulation vst possible. just the ugliest sounds...

i also have drawn a bit more. i think tommy's looking better now (just did more) and then did more little things for the drawing. i want to have more going on. as usual it's just nonsense but it feels good to do so i will do it. it feels better to lean into the intuitive just doing it thing, and not really planning, although planning is probably good, it just feels good because my intuition will tell me, don't do that, do something else, it's sort of like i am learning, or i feel like i am learning how to do something more than just, i dunno. it takes a while, with anything creative, to feel less like you are doing some motions and more that you're articulating something or what is happening inside you feels like it's being more successfully instantiated by the thing you are doing. it's the difference between struggling at knowing how to write a riff on a guitar, and then feeling like you can, and playing it okay, and then doing improv you like on guitar, that's how i think of it at least. or maybe best is just writing, for me, as a point of comparison, where things come to me and then i puzzle out how to interrogate the ideas, how to think about the thing. i like, though, that it feels like all of this working on disparate things seems to help each thing, in some way. i was always scared, if i did too much, i'd sap my ability to make anything, but it all helps enforce different processes / articulate something to me. this is at least how / why i am okay with making things that are pretty useless.

oh, i keep forgetting:

i read this recently on keep planning. i found it good. reading it a second time, i still find it good. it's very clear what it's doing, there's a force to it, i think, which i like, it makes the thinking come off as a very physical thing, i guess it gets at the way thinking can feel like this strange and violent puppeting, or i guess in specific, neuroses and the need to do something, making yourself fail to do something, and the sense of being at the threshold and too afraid to go beyond. you are about to do something and you will not do it. effective tiny prose thing. also rather funny, 'where are the keys, you fuck,' i wonder what this guy's other writing is like. his name is familiar.

saw a video where seiko oomori kissed someone in the crowd, she's so awesome. it's strange this is going around, i never saw it but it's old. some guy compared it to what mineta from ging nang boyz used to do, which is true i think. it is #punk rawk. a bunch of japanese netizens seem to find it gross though. i guess being hardcore is still shocking to them, somehow.

what a band.

wow, i forgot to listen to more moreru today. foolish. but i'm listening to skool kill now. i love this song, i love how loud the vocals are, and how ugly everything else is. this is kind of an ideal sound.

it's super late now... i need to go sleep,

so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[redandblackpoetry]

and onto my favorite part of ur answers: eldritch ghost crumbs (⁠つ⁠✧⁠ω⁠✧⁠)⁠つ

i'm v interested in ghost's past with roach, like the entirety of their relationship? hows and whys and whens!!! but i shall keep my silence for the sake of the sequel...... but!! ghost's issues keep increasing (well i keep learning there's even more baggage than i expected) with each of my asks/comments that u answer and i am Enjoying It. like yes. make him Suffer. hurt/comfort is a very superior trope and he is my sacrificial lamb to the angst gods

so idk much abt lovecraftian eldritch monsters (i know of the lore pretty vaguely) bc i am a Fool so idk how much u based ur plot on it but basically any eldritch lore dump is appreciated either way bc of that.

also ghost crumbling at peer pressure? now i feel that. well i think u meant more like a threatening sort of pressure rather than friendly jabbing but it's a lot more funnier when u consider ghost being exposed to peer pressuring and going. uh, ok. LMAO anyway it's also a v beautiful irony that a being that feeds off of fear doesn't welcome it in the parts of his life that he is the most vulnerable in so chefs kiss for that

his true form!!!! i was already guessing this bc it's pretty much implied i feel like but!!! does this mean, when ghost got captured by zaragoza he was in his true form? what are the dimensions even? and!!!! simon saw him like that? could 141 ever get a chance to see him like that, like can he leave simon's body and then come back? (i won't accept the answer of they will but he'll have to completely leave simons body, no sir. simon is along for the ride alive or dead, whether he wants to or not) (talk abt ride or die but die is optional while ride is mandatory)

more importantly, i'm like v v v obsessed with thinking abt simon's pov on first seeing ghost and how his opinion would've changed had the situation been more normal when they first met? like... is he also inherently a monsterfucker? (that's such an iconic question out of context btw, pls acknowledge my brilliance) but like soap sees the tongue and goes. hm. would simon also. ok no my brain is overheating at this point i'll shut up.

(i'm just thinking another au of an au yet again. thanks for the brainrot. it's branching and GROWING how do i stop it????? but like i'm imagining like timeline being different and ghost being captured by the opportunistic fuck shepherd and they try to use ghost in usual military fashion and simon maybe meets him like that and. wow now that i'm getting into it this has the vibes of those merfics of mer being caltured and the scientist seeing them and slowly getting to know them and it's then an epic save-the-mer adventure but mer is an eldritch monster and the pretty scientist is actually a built like a shit brickhouse, gruff military man simon who is Ver Reluctantly starting to get fond of ghost and is not happy abt it)

(i'm dying. why is my brain doing this to me. whyyyyyy)

anyway i have yet again wrote walls of text abt this fic so. i'll wander off and touch some grass before my brain explodes. i'm just. obsessed with all this. a tad too much perhaps so this ask is now ur problem. have fun

The hows and the whys and the whens of Roach and Ghost's relationship have pretty similar answers actually, it'll make sense when I get there hopefully. And I hope that it's as good as you're imagining!

Hurt/comfort ngl is one of my favorite tropes, and I love giving characters trauma and breaking them down and mending them back together and seeing how I can mend them

And don't worry about knowing the lore, as with most fanfiction I'm taking Lovecraft and his genre's works and kinda ripping it apart for juicy bits, though I'm trying to keep the overall impressions. The feeding on different emotions/things is entirely my own idea because I honestly needed some way to nerf Ghost since Lovecraft never elaborates on how his eldritch beings function, so I gave them a food source. The whole possession aspect is actually based on one of Lovecraft's characters though I filled in my own blanks (LC loves being vague for The Horror) and Ghost's parents are also eldritch horrors that are mentioned in his and others' works. Cthulhu also exists in this fic and is actually Ghost's nephew geneology wise! Thats gonna become important in the next chapter ;)

And yesss the fact that Ghost feeds on fear doesnt make him immune to it

And yes! Ghost was in his true form when he was captured by the cartel, though since he was weak he was smaller than normal (he stretches like silly putty). I put a lot of lore and background into each chapter so I'm never sure how much readers remember/understand especially if its spread out. Size wise during the cartel he was probably at least the size of a car, normally he's maybe the size of a six story building? He's actually pretty small compared to some of his kind

And yes, Simon saw him like that and was like "neat, I'm gonna make a deal with this thing because I was the cartel to Burn" and Ghost immediately vibed with that

Would you believe that I'm toying with the idea of the 141 seeing his true form in the main fic? Its gonna be very near the end, and there's a lot of angsty implications regarding it because remember, Simon's dead. Without Ghost to keep his body, well, alive and functioning what happens to a dead body?

Absolutely iconic question and I'd very much believe that Simon is definitely a monsterfucker. He's seen so many human monsters that it imagine its somewhat of a relief and very attractive for him to see a monster not trying to hide what they are. You're also giving me very naughty threesome Ghost/Simon/Soap ideas

And friend, dear mutual, I have absolutely no clue how to fix the brainrot as its infected me as well! And again with giving me ideas!! I was soo close to starting a new 141 fic focusing on Roach for mermay you have no idea, might come to your ask box and ramble at you about it

You know Venom, yes? This idea is giving very Venom movie vibes. Because Ghost is a hardass and he'd cave eventually and end up possessing the people that Shepherd brought in as cannon fodder but he wouldn't gel with them and since he's very prideful he's end up ripping them to shreds over and over. Until Simon. Until Shepherd captured Simon and they gel and Simon and Ghost bond and the 141 come to save them. The team finds out about Ghost and they just slowly introduce him to the world and help him heal and take him on missions

Welp this has been my wall of text, hope you enjoyed! I also need to touch grass but sadly its a beautiful day and I'm stuck at work