#i'm a person doing regular people things and those shouldn't be causing me to hit a breaking point

[ourceliumnetwork]

update: stretching and popping routine did NOT Save me.

further update: meds and rest is helping.

[jedi-starbird]

A happier galaxy where the disaster lineage is somewhat less on fire constantly and senior padawan Obi-wan has developed a fixation on Mandalorians:

Sometimes Feemor regretted just how much he had given away when he had spent 5 expensive months bribing a traumatised Obi-wan to call him brother when he was 14. His dignity, for one, his access codes and shadow cloaking techniques, another. So he had a very dignified reaction when he was awoken to the shine of his younger brother's eyes in the dark at the foot of his bed. "I wou-stop screaming it's just me-I would like a Mandalorian. How do I procure one?"

"How the fuck should I know?"

Obi-wan scowled as if Feemor was being difficult, he wasn't, he wasn't quite awake enough for that yet. "You're a shadow, you're supposed to know things."

Ah, if being a shadow granted you the secrets of the universe instead of just a great many planetary governments, Feemor wouldn't spend so much time wondering what dark rituals Dooku had committed to result in Qui-gon Jinn. (He already knew what regular rituals Qui-gon had committed to result in Obi-wan)

"I know that I'm about to punt you out of my room right now."

"...My birthday is coming up, I believe I deserve compensation for all the traumas."

Obi-wan's eyes were very big now. Feemor sighed. He flopped back down into bed. He resisted the urge to pull his blankets back up and roll over. 'Oh sure when it's time to see mind healers everything's fine but now-'

"Shouldn't you be asking Master then?"

"Master would not approve of how I plan to use the Mandalorian."

He squinted at Obi-wan for a long moment. Obi-wan stared back. He did some quick mental maths and tried not to feel old. Eh. Fine. Feemor swung his legs out of bed. "You had me at 'Master wouldn't approve'."

"Do you think I could get one by walking into little Keldabe and asking very nicely?"

As it turns out, yes he could. A few too many in fact, apparently Jedi, their ancestral enemy, in the Mando district attracted attention, who knew? Feemor knew, Feemor would have known if only he had been properly awake when this semblence of a plan was proposed. He stalked through the cantina towards Obi-wan who was leaning slightly forwards against a pillar, ah...speaking, to a Mandalorian with painted orange armour while surrounded by a larger crowd of Mandos. At least they seem mostly amused. He ignored the youngers squawk as he yanked the back of his robes so that he moved away from the Mandalorian and spun him around.

"You cannot solve centuries of animosity by batting your eyelashes."

"I'm not batting my eyelashes " Obi-wan sniffed," I'm shaking my ass, there's decidedly more effort involved."

"I miss when I was an only child." Feemor sighed deeply. He used the force to scruff the neck of Obi-wan's robes and dangle him slightly in the air. He ignored the shouting from beside him and bowed politely to the staring Mandos. "My apologies for the disturbance, this will not happ-" He considered his brother who was now yelling out his personal comm code with a wink. " Please excuse us, this very probably will happen again, we shall workshop it. May the force be with you all."

I don't have a fully planned AU but it is Codywan!!! cause I love those bitches but have some more dialogue I came up with for this AU. I'm imagining them both as like 20-23, Obi's close to knighthood. He's still a padawan for this because I think him causing Qui-gon headaches is funny. Feemor fully thinks this complicated courtship dance Obi's created is funny, he likes studying his little brother like a bug, he just wasn't prepared for him to just waltz into little kelbade and start hitting on people, though he really should have been.

Hand wavy timeline with Jaster alive but the clones are still clones, Jango was kidnapped and held in stasis or something, Jaster claimed them as Mandos. This is really just about Obi's first and biggest diplomatic achivement being friendly Jedi-Mando relations purely cause he was in his thot era. This also somehow saves the galaxy from the sith.

I like to imagine that Cody's brothers recorded that little exchange between Fee and Obi on their helmets and uploaded it online where it went viral on MandoNet before going viral galaxywide because wait holy shit is that a Jedi saying that????. Qui-gon gets called in for a very weird meeting where the council's like ok so the entire holonet has seen your padawan being horny on main but also this is like the biggest jump in our diplomatic relationship with the Mandos in centuries so like can we keep this up somehow? This results in Obi-wan being holonet famous, first through vode recordings but then he starts a space tumblr and twitter account and he's famous now. Then his friends and other jedi start accounts because wait we're allowed to do that? and those become big as well and this is literally the best PR the jedi have had in hundreds of years. the holonet loves them. the sith are fuming.

Obi-wan, scoffing: What were they gonna do? Shoot me? Feemor: Yes. Obi-wan: I don't believe in blasters. Bly: ...like as a concept...? Obi-wan: No, spiritually.

Obi-wan: I'm sure there's a nice Mandalorian we can find for you Feemor: I'm not sure those 2 words belong together Obi-wan: No of course not, we can't find a nice one, then they'd be all alone, we need to find an absolute bastard of one so that you two match :)

Obi-wan: Oh so Master gets to take in pathetic life forms but I don't? This one's already domesticated! Wolffe: Debatable. Feemor: Cody's a person! Not a stray tooka! Obi-wan: Master takes in stray people all the time! That's how he got me!

Qui-gon: How do you explain this behaviour Padawan ? Obi-wan: The force pushed me towards the Mandalorians Master, it was quite insistent on me developing better relations with them given our difficult history. Feemor: Fascinating, please do elaborate, I'd love to hear the theological implications of a force-assigned kink.

[lloydkin-kinlloyd]

Reasons I hate lloyd (part 3/?)

The fandom infantalizes him

-Fandom can really effect the way you view a character if it's an overwhelming thing that's ingrained in every piece of media you see about the character. Lloyd being mentally young (even though the second he takes tommows tea he seems more mature and less 'kid-like") is so present that if you had to scub it out of the Fandom at least half of all lloyd fan stuff would be wiped away like Thanos got the infinity stones just to get rid if it.

Now I'm not saying that you shouldn't do it or that it's bad cause it isn't I respect all people who make those fan works even if I don't like it cause it took time and energy to create.

But I'm also not gonna say that this Fandom didn't ruin the general idea of lloyds character by giving him this whole "he's a kid in an adults body" stick. Or that this idea doesn't piss me off for a number of reasons.

Csuse People use this as a way to defend lloyd or scrap any wrong doing he did by claiming he's mentally a kid and therefore isn't responsible for his actions when he's the same age as the ninja now (or a little younger). I saw this one person try to claim that lloyd shouldn't be held accountable for his mess up with arin cause he was "mentally 6 years old." .....

People will fr act like a couple years changed something like in dragons rising hcs I'll see lloyd getting hc as like physically 27 mentally 22 or something and I don't get the point in that cause like once you hit 20 your not a kid or a teen anymore so I don't think it really matters personally.

People don't treat him like a regular character they treat him different cause of that one episode even when it's made abundantly clear he's not somehow a teen in a adults body like some fans wanna make lloyd in dragons rising.

Like why are we claiming that lloyd is somehow younger than arin and sora!?!

[earthbovndmisfit]

EEEE THAT DRAWING OF JONATHAN WITH A BUNCH OF MINI SPEEDWAGONS 😭 Imagine if like, he was hit by a stand that split him apart into multiple miniature copies and each mini-wagon exaggerates one aspect of his personality, so there's the dramatic one, the brave one, the scaredy one, the aggressive one, the loyal one, the affectionate one, and so on 😂

((in reference to this post))

I'm digging this so much OMG.

The dramatic one.... every single thing he does Has To Be Overly Dramatic and for some reason that would be very funny (to me, at least xd). He's also very loud.

The brave and fearless would be all over the top, too. Way too reckless, too. Definitely the "what are you gonna do? STAB ME???" kind of little guy. He's often climbing on top of things he shouldn't be climbed and so on. Similar to a cat, basically, lol

There's also the one that keeps stealing stuff and causing mischief. Always keep an eye on him!

Can't really say I see a "scaredy" Speeb, at least not in the sense part of the fandom mistakenly assumes, since the instances where we see og Speedwagon scared is when there are actual and massive threats (which is basically something everyone shows at some point, including human Dio when he faced the drunkard-turned-vampire, ie.). Add to that that Speedwagon is a regular human fighting actual supernatural and bloodthirsty creatures using only his wits and insane brute force, and that kinda shows that what some people consider a "scaredy" side is not precisely "scaredy" at all. In this sense, I think he'd have a "scaredy" side like pretty much every other JJBA character would but, even in this exaggerated form, it would be far from the "crybaby, soft, scared shitless boy uwu" the fandom sometimes wrongly pin on og Speebs, and would most likely only be triggered by supernatural threats, if that makes sense??

The aggressive one is probably more on the "Ogre Street" side, feral and basically a bit of a glimpse to what his enemies in Ogre Street saw when they faced him, or during one of those "not-so-voluntary interrogatories" that his gang may or may not subject their rivals/enemies to when they need a little information. I keep imagining this mini Speeb threatening others with anything and everything he can use as a weapon (though he himself has a tiny knife and other weapons on him at all times), and this probably includes Jonathan to an extent. I think Jona would find that amusing in a way, because it's like a small throwback to their first encounter in some way. Much less threatening this time too since, despite cheeb Speeb being aggressive, his aggressiveness never reaches dangerous levels towards Jonathan (plus, smol Speeb is...well, small lol), so smol Speeb probably just keeps biting Jojo every chance he gets. Sometimes hard enough to draw an "Ow!" from Jona every now and then, but never hard enough to draw blood or cause actual harm.

On the other hand, affectionate Speebs is always by Jonathan's side (or at least as much as he possibly can), nuzzling him, cuddling with him, offering encouraging words every time Jonathan needs them, playing with Jojo's hair, helping him around with anything and everything, bringing him small gifts and things he thinks Jojo might like, and just... basically letting Jonathan know how much he loves him all the time. Considering how deprived of affection Jonathan has been for the past 7 years in PB's timeline, I'd say he'd greatly appreciate all this.

The loyal one is similar overall to the affectionate, with the difference that he focuses more on throwing hands and defending Jonathan if he has to. So I guess it would be safe to think he'd be a bit of a mix between affectionate Speeb and his fearless side, as he doesn't mind putting his life on the line to ensure the safety and wellbeing of his Jojo. All with a pinch of Aggressive!Speeb whenever is needed, of course!

[laundryandtaxes]

I think it's very very difficult for a lot of people to come to accept that sometimes a set of circumstances can 1) only reasonably be called abusive by sheer virtue of the intensity of the unidirectional pressure, condescension, and outright cruelty, and 2) ALSO be a set of circumstances in which one person was not sitting around actively thinking of ways to abuse the other person, systematically moving them through stages they've established as the track to get someone to continue to endure abuse. I'm sympathetic to the argument at least that we shouldn't call that abuse, but rather mistreatment, and that we should reserve the term for intentional manipulations of other people, but I don't actually agree with it. Ulltimately I think that framework makes it very difficult for people who've been abused to accept what is happening to them, because it requires that they reimagine someone they love and are intimately familiar with as an entirely separate kind of person from other people, as some special kind of evil human being who has spent the last x years just plotting on how to psychologically destroy them. But more importantly, I just don't think it is actually true- for instance, I think the majority of people who regularly hit their children must love them AND must believe that hitting them is a perfectly reasonable way to correct their behavior because they consider it within the purview of loving behavior. I also obviously think they're outright wrong and that that is child abuse, but when something like 80% of Americans still think it is okay to hit children, I simply think it is improbable that everyone in that group, including all the parents, actually hates or even doesn't love children. That is just one instance, but I think this is especially relevant in the context of emotional abuse.

Perhaps this is especially important to me because it's so, so hard for women who date other women to recognize and leave partners who regularly mistreat, condescend to, and pressure them in ways that I think are only reasonably called abuse, because they have this concept of abuse as something bad people do on purpose to harm other people and I think that absolute caricature isn't real and isn't helpful- it's hard enough to get out, I know personally that it's hard enough to get out, of an abusive relationship even when it doesn't require a total reframing of every interaction you've ever had with someone as them proming you for more abuse. Perhaps I'm functionally theorizing my own refusal to see the people in my life who've caused me the most harm as evil masterminds, and perhaps they really are evil masterminds and so is everyone in the country who treats their children poorly or hits them. I'll grant that those things could be true, but I don't think so. I think this abusive boogeyman is like the back alley rapist- real, yes, but certainly not making up the majority of sexual violence in a way that merits centering it as the thing women need to see as their primary concern in a way that informs their safety practices. I also don't think it's a coincidence that focusing on the back alley rapist lowers the defenses of women in situations they may perceive as less dangerous than walking down the street but where they're actually at much greater risk of harm due to being away from other people, etc. But I think that we need to move past this really static idea of what abuse can be (I imagine this has got to stem from domestic violence or abuse and the absolutely massive role that intentional control of another person has in that context- I have known women whose partners who kept regular surveillance of their phones, for instance) because it keeps a lot of people stuck, thinking their partnerships aren't bad, and frankly when a lot of adults in general but especially women who date women are just emotionally underdeveloped and have a low capacity for healthy relationships even when they have the absolute best intentions, we need markers of bad behavior that tell you to get out, not caricatures of essential traits.

[blushing-titan]

My thoughts on ch. 139

Some of you may be familiar with my previous writings - I usually try to stay as collected as possible, but today's post will be different. Ever since the chapter came out, I've been reblogging a lot of rants and memes about it. Those of you who follow my blog (thank you so much, really happy to have you here! ❤) know that I didn't really enjoy this ending. I want to elaborate more on that in this post - my only advice is to buckle up, because today we may get a bit heated (I apologize in advance for the sassy approach - I usually try to stray away from that, but guess today's post is more of a stream of conciousness/rant) :'D

1. Ymir

Starting up with one of the most controversial things about this chapter. Up to this point, I felt really bad for Ymir. Her life was terrible - she was a young girl, who was enslaved and abused by king Shitz Fritz. After she was forced to run away from his hounds, she acquired the power of titans and used it to help the king's cause. For that, she was awarded with the king's seed (🤢), and eventually became a mother of three girls. Through her entire life, she was treated as a slave and a lesser-being by the king - she also died while protecting him, and her daughters were forced to eat her remains after that (🤢🤢).

It felt so tragic to see her 2000 years later, still walking blindly in the paths. It wasn't enough that she was hurt so badly when she was still alive - she remained enslaved to the abusive king even after she died. I was rooting for her to finally be freed from this nightmare - hence I was so happy when ch. 122 came out and we got this scene:

I was genuinely emotional when I saw her reaction. Finally, someone expressed some authentic care for her and tried to snap her out of this blind state. She would finally think about what she wants and try to free herself from the paths because, as Eren said, she was never a slave or a goddess - just a regular person. It's just like she finally let out all the pain that she's been suppressing for all these years.

Yeah...except, as it turns out, her awakening here changes nothing. She doesn't come to any conclusions, like, perhaps, that she doesn’t want to let herself be hurt and mistreated any longer...or that she should fight for herself, try to change her fate - because, after all, her life belongs to her - not anyone else.

Nothing like this happens. Why? Because, as it turns out, she's in love with king Fritz and needs to be proven by Mikasa that she can break this bond first.

....

💀💀💀💀

Excuse me, but...what?

Okay, first and foremost...am I supposed to believe that, during these 2000 years, no one else has gone against their unhealthy affection to someone toxic and unworthy of their love? No one? 🤡 Come on, we even saw that happen in the manga. What about Historia, who thought that her own mother hitting her was a sign of love? Who wanted to believe that her father was good, despite wanting to turn her into a titan? Where was Ymir when Historia stood up for herself against her father's wishes? Or when she flew up to him and delivered the final blow against him?

On top of that...what a disappointing conclusion to Ymir's story. I hoped that she would take her fate into her own hands, and - for example - be reborn and experience life as a free person, surrounded by people who actually care about her. Free herself from paths and destroy it - not because someone shows her that she can indeed detach herself from it, but simply because she wants to.

Instead, 80% of the world population is gone, because she needed to see that Mikasa is able to "free" herself from Eren in order to do the same.

🤡🤡🤡

2. Abandoned plotlines and plot-holes

Mikasa being a Hizuru princess? Never heard of that. Hallucigenia's fate? Who cares. Eren directing Dina's titan in Carla's direction in order to save Berthold? Nah, who would want any more info on that - guess he just couldn't direct her anywhere else. The Ackerman's headaches? Pfff. The fact that Mikasa shouldn't be affected by the memory altering, but somehow still is in the ending? "I guess she just forgot that she should be immune to this". Why was Historia's pregnancy implied as relevant if it wasn't in the end? So many precious panels wasted on that, when they could be used to help solve some other "unanswered questions" instead. Ehhh...🤷

3. Blatant character assassination

There, I'm saying it once again. I have no idea what happened in this chapter but the characters are off. What about Eren - the one who has always believed that freedom was his birthright, and has been fighting and moving forward for his goals? Yeah, turns out he has no idea why he was doing all of that. 

Remember Kenny's quote - everyone is a slave to something? I thought that this implication was pretty poetic in context of Eren's character. Through all his life, he sought freedom, but ironically, he was a slave to that dream...

...turns out it may have been a bit too poetic for this story because Eren is a slave to destiny. Literally - he's going on auto-pilot in order to reach that one moment in which Mikasa beheads him, so Ymir can watch and understand that she can do the same.

Nice joke...except not. Here go our main character's motivations 🗑

He casually commits unjustifiable crimes against humanity - not because he wants to be free or because he found the world beyond the walls disappointing, (...as we were led to believe). He did that because he doesn't know why - and then, he cries that he doesn't want Mikasa to ever find another guy.

:'))

Turns out Eren was somehow always in love with her too...? Yeah, weird way of showing it. Or should I say - not showing it at all.

If you read my previous writings, you know that I'm not very fond of Eremika. The way I interpreted it while reading the story: it was unhealthy, suffocating and one-sided. I hoped for Mikasa to move on and start thinking about herself for once.

Right, what about Mikasa? Has she finally moved on? Is she content with her life? Are her dreams coming true? What's her daily life after all this? Sadly, I don't have the answers. The thing we are shown instead, is how she's sitting next to Eren's grave and, once again, thanking him for wraping the scarf around her. The only thing that implies that she may be somehow still seeing other people is one bubble of text. After all 139 chapters of hoping for her character developement, that's it.

Keep in mind that all other characters are shown together - with their spouses, families and friends - yet Mikasa is still separated and alone. That's right - after she disappears with Eren's head, she's not shown with anyone else until the end of the manga.

While we're on the topic of others, too...do I have to talk about the scenes in which everyone shows some level of gratitude to Eren...for wiping 80% humanity for them? Because I have no words for this.

One last note: I found the humor to be slightly out of place, too. Seriously, after all these terrible events, with so many unanswered questions and character developement of these two...Reiner is still weirdly simping for (now married) Historia and Jean is called a horse face :') Idk, but it feels somehow surreal after everything that's happened.

4. Conclusion

What else can I say...the final chapter disappointed me and I'm pretty sad about it. I'm happy for the people who liked it, but also can't help but feel like it was very far from perfect. I've been following SnK ever since 2013 and it's a bittersweet moment for me. The series had a lot of amazing moments that I'll definitely remember forever. Meanwhile, I would like to read some of the author's thoughts about the way he chose to end the story - perhaps it would clear some confusion (...although I can't help the fact that my first opinion is already formed).

Thank you very much for reading my thoughts - as always, it means a lot to me! ❤ The images used in this post are obviously not mine!

[downwiththemutantnjnjaturtles]

We Met Within This Screen (chapt. 4)

[Donnie x fem reader]

sfw, chapt. 3, pt. 4 here

Sighing, you set your phone face-down after sending your last text to Bo. What an abrupt end to something that had been so good. You were confused, a little taken aback and honestly sad. You'd thought the two of you were getting along well. Bo was smart, well-spoken, funny, and all around, a really nice person. He listened to your venting and seemed like he had a response to everything. Always, he had some random fact to hit you with whether it was about biology, chemistry, astronomy, language—you weren't sure where he got all his knowledge from. He'd never mentioned school, if he went. He didn't mention a lot about himself, actually. 

People come and go, someone had once told you. You guessed that he was one of those passersby, as much as you wanted it to be more. 

More?

When had you started thinking that? More what? 

You were tempted to pick your phone back up, to check and see if there were any new messages. Not that you could expect much; Bo had been so curt about his exit from your friendship that it was left at his last text, "Again, I'm sorry." You wanted to say something, but what was there to say? It was his decision. A sudden, uncharacteristic, and frankly odd decision, but still, his. Thinking back on it, you tried to remember any instance you might have crossed a line, or maybe said something you shouldn't have. That's what made you open up the messages again, scrolling up and up and looking for anything weird, but finding nothing of the sort. It had all been normal up until when you texted him about the clamor you'd heard outside your apartment building. And then it went flat—he didn't even respond to it, just said his apology and his goodbye before going offline.

You wanted to take your mind off it with a game, but as you looked through your list and saw the one you and him had played together, you knew it was near ruined for you. It just wasn't the same to play alone or with your acquaintances. An otherwise boring game made fun by one particular person, but now it was barely what it used to be.

Unfortunate. 

The next morning might have felt more normal if it weren't for the fact that everyone was pretending like it was. For the sake of secrecy from their father. As far as Donnie knew, Splinter still didn't know anything was or had been going on, and he intended to keep it that way, too. He wanted to tell his father, he did, but all he saw coming of that was reprimanding, or at the very least an awkward discussion, and possibly, time in the Hashi. He was already feeling the aftermath of his actions; he didn't need any more. Especially as he checked the messaging app one last time, only to find it empty, aside from her goodbye. 

Donnie stood at the kitchen counter, mask off and groggy as usual, scrounging for something to eat. Maybe a cup of coffee (if they had any), which he was looking for when Mikey bounced in. Normally, his brothers would avoid him when he was in one of his "moods". He hadn't a passionate temper like Raph but a slow-brewing one, the kind that festers until it's alleviated or boils over. Cold quiet was his thing. 

But Donnie knew why he was here. So did Mikey. He had that familiar glint of mischief in his eye. 

There was no coffee, so he settled for some kind of pastry they'd found while looking through the dumpsters. Really, the item was fine—only the packaging and appearance was defective. It was a wonder just how much food grocers wasted over arbitrary reasons, but regardless, he was happy to oblige his secret sweet tooth. 

From the corner of his eye he could see Mikey waiting eagerly for him to turn around and regard him. To listen to whatever he was about to talk his ear off with. Their youngest brother was more often than not bright-eyed in the morning, something Donnie's morning fog could not always entertain. He picked at his food at the counter for a moment, mind wandering back to his night and subsequently,  the unresolved feelings. Dreadfully unresolved, he groaned inside. And they probably would continue to be, as after sleeping on what had happened the previous night, thinking about her, he realized something that made his face flush. Oh, no. 

He froze in his place, suddenly very awake. He looked over his shoulder and found Mikey was distracted rummaging through the food for his own breakfast, and with a faint cringe, tried to sneak out of the kitchen undetected. No way would he admit to Mikey's words on the rooftop that night, the ones that made him flinch with embarrassment. The same ones that bounced around his head despite all attempts to stuff it down. "You like her, bro." 

Things involving him could never be simple, could they?

Abandoning his plate, Donnie began tip-toeing out of the room right behind Mikey. His foot hit the leg of a chair and caused a creak—he winced. As he thought, Mikey looked back, "Why are you sneaking around? You didn't finish your breakfast. Can't go on patrol on an empty stomach, dude." 

Before Donnie could even answer, he continued in a whisper, "Plus—"

"Whatever it is, Mikey, not now," he cut his brother off, "last night was the end of it, alright? You need to let it go." It sounded harsher than he would have preferred, but he felt the need to drill it into Mikey's skull that it was over, that it was just something he'd have to deal with. There were a lot of things they dealt with despite not liking it. With time, he'd forget—more accurately, be able to ignore— and maybe he could find the same enjoyment in his brothers once again. That sort of friendship.  But at the moment, it was ruined for him—he got a taste of something more and it was taken away what felt like second later. 

Mikey's face fell. Donnie couldn't stand that, seeing him upset over something he'd said. He had a bit of a soft spot for their youngest, no doubt. Just wasn't always obvious. 

"Aren't you afraid you'll regret it?" he asked, voice soft. 

Fear was a strong word, but of course Donnie was anxious. It was the thing holding him back from being able to simply compartmentalize everything, to put it in a box and on the metaphorical "deal with this later because it's uncomfortable right now" shelf. Or to deal with it at all, as ignoring his problems with studying and unrelated research and experimentation wasn't exactly prime management. He knew that. 

After a while of thought, Donnie was able to give him an answer. "Well…I mean, how could I not be?" he inquired in return before leaning out of the doorway to scan the lair. Everyone was either in their room, the dojo, or there, in the kitchen. Mikey has always made him feel most comfortable, and he was sure that was the case for the other three, just that they had other ways of showing it. He was certainly easy to talk to; if Donnie weren't so careful of his mouth and what came out of it, he could probably spew way more to him than he liked. Mikey could come through sometimes, though, which prompted him to keep going, "It was a big thing for me. We've been disconnected from everything else for so long that it was just...exciting, to get a look into what it's like. Being 'regular', you know?" 

Mikey sat down on one of the bar stools, feet idly shuffling against the floor as he folded his arms and rested on them. "You didn't hear it from me, but I'm a little jealous," he said playfully, but Donnie was aware that it was the case. "Maybe I'm pushing you to go after her because I'm trying to live vic–vicrous–v–…" 

Donnie smiled, he couldn't help it. "'Vicariously'?" he suggested. 

"Yeah! That," Mikey beamed, nodding. "You get what I mean." 

"I understand." 

The conversation died off soon after as Donnie decided to get breakfast over with and do whatever needed to be done before they left for patrol that night, darkness falling earlier due to the upcoming winter. It wasn't too cold for them to be out yet, though, so that still meant a chilly patrol in the Autumn breeze. He hated the cold. 

As Donnie was making himself busy at a circuit board in his lab, he heard the beads in the doorway shift, and to his surprise, Splinter came shuffling in. 

"Sensei?" 

He put down his soldering iron, spinning around in his chair. "Something the matter?" 

Splinter ran his fingers along a shelf on the wall as he wandered by, careful to not disturb any of the items lining it. Beakers, recently-repaired electronic parts, projects put on pause, things that would loathe to be broken. 

"There is always something," Splinter replied enigmatically, "I would not be here if that weren't true. Would you agree?"

 I'm compromised!

Donnie had a strong but hidden dislike for vague speaking, even if he did it himself sometimes. When spoken to you it's much more bothersome. 

Splinter waited for his answer, looking at him expectantly. "Donatello?" 

"Yeah, um…yes, I would—I would agree. I suppose. So...what is it again?" Damn his stutter, he couldn't get away with anything, hardly. He was only able to stifle it just enough. 

Picking a random pipette on the desk next to Donnie, Splinter studied the green liquid close for a second before his nose twitched, and he put it back down. "You have been very busy lately, it seems. What is it that you work on all day in here? Or are you playing games?" 

Donnie's heart thumped. His hand found that particular spot on his neck and began to scratch, and Splinter looked at him dead in the eye. He should have known; there was no hiding anything from their father, he was too good. Stupidly, infuriatingly perceptive. Donnie caught himself scratching that spot and slid his hand away, he hadn't even noticed he was picking at it again. He knows, Mikey told him, I probably look like a guilty idiot right now, I'm—

"I haven't been playing games," Donnie blurted out. 

Quizzically, Splinter gestured at the computer screen on the other wall, which had the menu of the game he'd opened up just earlier. Reminiscing over it even though it had been only a couple of days since he and his friend had last played together, but he stared at the screen as if it had been years. It made him realize how easily he'd gotten attached to that. Well, to her. He was on the fence about whether he wanted to try playing again or not and left it on.

Oh, you have to be kidding. I'm a fool in a man's shoes. 

Donnie laughed uncomfortably, "You caught me, Sensei," he said, "I guess I have been playing games more often lately." 

It was honest enough, right? 

Splinter hummed and cupped his hands behind his back. "I see."

Straightening out, Donnie dipped his head a little. "I'll...lay off on them. Sorry for lying. I've just been really distracted recently." 

"Liars never prosper, my son. Take care of yourself." 

He then left. 

So he didn't know. Donnie still couldn't say it with any degree of confidence, because Splinter would trip them up here and there, but it was assurance enough to know that if Splinter was aware of what had gone on between the four brothers and his new—rather, former—human friend, he would have confronted Donnie about it. Or all of them, considering it was now a secret they were all in on actively hiding. And on top of that, Raph and Leo didn't know Mikey was conspiring. Layers and layers, he sighed. 

With Splinter gone, he let out a breath of relief. Too close. Much. But, swiftly evaded. A chuckle left him, not of humor, but more because he was actually feeling a little confident. Just a little. They were really hiding something from Splinter; it was reason enough to pat himself on the back, nothing got past Splinter. Except for him.

Briefly, he thought of Mikey's outlandish idea as he spun back around in his chair. "Mikey, you are crazy," he mumbled to himself as he took his soldering iron, resuming his work from before. "But..."

Chapter 5

[mittensmorgul]

Can I rant for a moment?

I'm sure a lot of people are excited for new spn content, but I just can't find myself getting behind Rob and Rich's podcast... For one thing, I have a hard time being interested in something spn-related with that ending.

But mostly, I'm just so tired of the contention that comes about every time an actor says anything about the show. I love the actors (most of them), but every time they talk about the show, they (understandably) take a very neutral "everyone's interpretation is valid" stance, and I'm just so tired of that. I don't think I can listen to a rewatch podcast that will most likely brush over the most important and interesting parts of the show for the sake of catering to the most basic interpretation. I'm worried things like the queer narrative, Dean's bisexuality, breaking free of the narrative, and more of the most compelling topics won't be covered. And then even if they are covered, I feel like Rob and Rich won't give those topics the proper analysis they need.

I know that we shouldn't look to actors for validity, and I'm trying to find what I enjoy and ignore everything else. But I also wish the actors could just let us be for a while. I just want to enjoy the supernatural sandbox in peace for a while, but I'm worried this podcast is gonna cause another influx of bad takes.

Supernatural hasn't been a comfortable place for me since the finale, and every time I try to come back, something like this turns it into another toxic experience.

I'm probably just jaded. But Rich and Rob potentially taking on the role of meta analysis is not going to be fun, imo. Hopefully they stick mostly to just behind the scenes stories, and not talking about the actual themes of the narrative. But since the two of them weren't actually on set for the majority of the time, what else will they be able to talk about?

I don't want to, but I feel as though I'll need to check out of anything to do with the show again.

Hi there, and I'll start by offering the internet equivalent of a hug, because I get it. I do. I personally don't put a lot of stock in what actors say about the show in general, because I have my understanding of the show and I'm good with that. Yeah, they might have stories about it from a personal perspective that might be interesting, and I honestly would love for any of them to actually sit down and truly watch the show and try to see it in full perspective.

I don't know that what this particular podcast is gonna shoot for is actually meta, and I don't think I personally could engage with it as such. Again, I think it could be fun to hear their actual, honest reactions to a full rewatch, but I don't really think that's the intent or even possible, considering this is in some way an "officially sanctioned" project on some level (at least that's my understanding from having only learned about the existence of it in passing, and not having bothered to really look much deeper).

As far as I'm personally concerned, It's not gonna affect me or my personal thoughts or opinions on Supernatural, regardless. There have been a LOT of regular fans starting Supernatural podcasts in the last few years (I say, being one of those regular fans who started a Supernatural podcast in the last few years... lol). And most of them? Like... the vast, vast majority of them? I just can't listen to. No harm, no foul, I just can't engage with them. So I honestly doubt that this new podcast will really hit me any different.

I mean I love the Season 14 Time For A Podcast podcast, and have been a dedicated listener since the start. I'm just invested at this point. :'D I love the Mixtape Book Club (which is about fanfic and not actually directly about Supernatural...), but otherwise? Yeah... I'm happy people are enjoying the wide variety of podcasts out there, and there's a ton of different personalities and takes on the show, but I struggle mightily with it.

And of course my own podcast, which is basically an out-loud version of my Spiders Georg of the TNT Loop meta posts that I've been making since like... s11... which I 100% know is Not For Everyone. I suspect most people would find something to disagree with me about, but I hope at least it's interesting and engaging for folks who want to love the show, and especially who love the characters (and especially Dean lol...).

So honestly? I might listen to an episode, just to see what it's about, but I might wait and hear the reactions first. It's just... probably Not For Me, you know? So I get it. But I also don't really care about any drama that might stir up over it, either. I don't know why two random people talking about the show-- probably under certain restrictions because of their association with the show and the semi-official nature of the podcast-- would really be of particular interest to me, personally, any more than any random fan's podcast, but ymmv. I'll just keep on being here like

[rpmemesbyarat]

RP meme from Scream Queens Ep 1 "Pilot" & Ep 2 "Hell Week"(Note: Offensive content, use at own discretion)

Something really bad happened.

Did you just get your period all over yourself?

This isn't my blood.

Who told you you could have a baby here tonight?

I'm sure I can walk if I can just get some Gatorade.

I don't care if you can walk.

How are we supposed to get you to the front door without everyone seeing you all gross and postpartum?

No one wants to see that at a party.

This is super embarrassing.

I didn't even know I was pregnant.

You guys, they're playing "Waterfalls."

Is that a baby? Amazing.

I am not missing "Waterfalls" for this. "Waterfalls" is my jam.

Give the baby some mojito to quiet it down.

How do you know she's dead?

These are my minions. I don't know their names. I don't want to know their names.

I have a colonic at 10

Life is a class system.

Oh, still a lot of puke to scrub.

Yeah, you have an amazing skill at telling people what they need to hear.

I'm sorry. Did I ask you to pull down my panties and blow a compliment up my butt?

I hate sororities, and I hate you.

First of all, I'm not a lesbian.

You see, out in the real world, people just don't talk that way to other people. It's not normal.

Well, that sure sounds suspicious.

No one forced that goat to get as drunk as it got.

Historically, short people are sneaky backstabbers, like Napoleon or Paul Shaffer.

I could actually handle that you're built like a Thai ladyboy, but what I can't stand is that you think you're my heir apparent.

Don't you want me to spray-tan you?

I would honestly rather not have you around.

The police still can't figure out who filled that tank with hydrochloric acid.

It's good enough for me, and the D.A., who, last I heard, considers the case closed.

What is that skirt?

Your organization might want to find a lawyer.

I'm a pretty smart cookie.

I would not get personal with me, sweetheart.

I don't fight fair.

I am sentimental.

Look, girls are vicious, okay?

I don't have any of my own memories.

Just like we planned. Three-second silent hug, and then you leave.

Ooh, somebody call CSI, because there was a murder scene in that bathroom.

Someone puked in the sink and I'm pretty sure I saw an actual ringworm climbing up the wall. I'm not afraid of anything, but that bathroom scared the crap out of me.

This is gonna be a year of infinite possibilities.

Hold this. It's too heavy.

You didn't knock!

Look at them. They're the dregs of society.

Each one of these gashes is worse than the next.

She smells like hot dog water, and probably sprained her neck giving blumpkins down at the local bowling alley.

Look, I'm not saying that all heterosexual sex is rape. I'm saying all heterosexual sex is gross, and that deep down, every woman knows this.

All that girl's after is a whole lot of bikini burger.

Hey, girl, can I just ask you, what's up with your outfit?

God knows what they're talking about, basic bitches.

What fresh hell is this?

I need you to stay popular, 'cause if you want to stay at the top of the list of the pieces of ass I'm getting, there's criteria. And the criteria is you got to be popular.

Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there, because I'm getting really pissed off.

Stop fake crying.

Anyone you dated would be popular. I mean, they would be popular because they're dating you.

My ego, it's super strong, ok, but it's not strong enough that I can just go around dating garbage people.

Like, yes, I could find a random girl who wasn't popular, and, yes, if I started dating her she would then become popular.

But you said you loved me.

I do sort of love you.

I would love you a lot more if other people loved you, too.

Okay, I need you to leave because you're bumming me out

We're just trying to have a nice day hitting golf balls at hippies.

Pretty girls, like you and me.

That's why I'm gonna burn your face off.

Ugh! You burned the milk!

Next time, I get you fired, or worse.

Actually, I just want a regular coffee. Those white girl pumpkin spice lattes annoy me.

I like to think of myself, uh, as an investigative reporter.

I had to get a restraining order.

I tend to get a bit passionate about things.

Look, you intentionally led me on.

You kept acting like you liked me just so you could humiliate me.

Enter, ye who dare.

I love a creepy collage.

It's about kicking the living crap out of someone when they disrespect you.

I was just in your room, where I noticed you have a sizeable shrine with evil burning candles, photos of me with my face scratched out and pairs of my stolen panties.

How about I just drown you in it?

Well, of course she's dead! You just burned her face off!

You don't die from getting your face burned off.

There's a dead woman in your kitchen.

I'm going to the authorities.

That's not how I saw it. And my witnesses agree.

You're an awful person.

Who wants cocktails?

How did my life turn into this?

Have you seen the way girls dress on this campus?

I'm sitting in the same office I used to throw bricks into.

You're awful in bed. Are you aware?

I'm gonna take a pair of your panties.

I'm gonna barf on your face unless you get out of here.

Try to figure out who gave you such disgusting mommy issues.

You loaded a dead body into a freezer.

What are you proposing?

I want to help you with your exposé, secretly feed you info.

You need eyes on the inside.

I don't know what to do with the body.

Are you saying dead bodies don't turn you on?

You are so lame, you know that?

God, I love all that death stuff.

Show me the body.

Show me the dead body.

This blood oath will ensure solidarity among us. We are all related now.

I just Googled "blood oath" and this is what came up.

What does this oath even mean?

I just need you all to not say anything about what happened, and I figured a blood oath was cheaper than buying you all presents.

Wait, what about STDs?

Idiot, you don't get STDs from blood oaths.

You get STDs from dirty toilet seats and drinking the water in Mexico.

Um, "STD" stands for "sexually transmitted disease," which means that it's transmitted sexually.

When were you in Mexico?

You know what, forget the blood oath.

I can't stay silent!

I'm calling my mom, and I'm going home.

Okay, Pissy Spacek, you and I have a few differences we need to iron out.

I want you to be one of my minions.

It's the gateway to the top of the heap.

You put on a good front, but you're miserable.

Don't you think any of that has anything to do with the fact that you've created an atmosphere based solely on negativity and raw ambition?

Can we talk for real for a second, please?

I mean, you're so confident without being mean. What antidepressants are you on?

Don't you see that all that's happened isn't a crisis? It's an opportunity.

Yeah, no, I tried. See, I really tried. But all of this flowery, peace-on-Earth crap, it makes me want to puke.

You haven't even seen half of what I'm capable of!

Totally spit in your coffee, bitch.

I don't mean to be a contrarian, but I'm enjoying this.

Is that killer noises or am I hallucinating?

I'm gonna ask one more time, will you speak up?

What can you tell us about the murder?

There's an exodus right now.

The risks are real, but we need to close ranks.

I don't feel comfortable with a man protecting me. It's representative of the patriarchal, post-colonial culture that encourages violence against women.

We buy a pig and feed it the body. Pigs will eat anything.

Don't go skating on those poop lagoons, because if you fall in, you'll drown in the poop and come springtime, there'll be nothing left of your body.

Here's what you should do. Pulverize her teeth, burn off her fingerprints, and disfigure her face. Once her body is unrecognizable, we can create an incision on her inner thigh and drain out all of her bodily fluids. That'll give us more time to deconstruct the body.

Truly grinding down a body takes a lot of work. You need a really good food processor, and you run the risk of fouling the plumbing, which is why you should only do it if you know how to clear out meat and bones from a drain pipe.

I'm willing to help in any way possible.

You're obviously a psychopath and those ideas are insane!

Why are you trying to terrify us?

Can I call you Mom?

I feel so loved and protected by all of you.

Actually, it's a new pop culture trend where young women desperately in need of role models call other girls they look up to Mom.

I thought you'd be cool with it.

I mean, I did just give you several ways to dispose of a body.

Okay, fine. Just stop talking.

You are so friggin' creepy!

Someone just mowed off a deaf girl's head in our backyard.

I mean, as you can see, I'm not licensed to carry a sidearm.

Wait, so you don't have a gun?

I have pepper spray. And I have a walkie talkie that I can use to call the police, who do have guns.

What good are you?

Get the hell out of there. Run away, real fast.

Now, I would give you my number, but my cell phone is off right now.

If you want the place clean, maybe you shouldn't have burned the maid's face off.

Don't you wonder what's in there?

People have been whispering about that house for years, that it's haunted, that something really bad happened. I mean, there's no way there isn't some real-life story behind it, right?

I'm gonna have to break in.

I mean, I don't think anyone's gonna get killed in the 30 minutes we make out, right?

Can you stop talking?

You're kind of ruining whatever was good about it.

Please try to understand the situation I'm in.

I don't give a rat's ass about your job.

You know, I find good parenting incredibly attractive.

You're a snoopy little bugger.

Whose bloody clothes are those?

Supposedly, it was a super fun party.

We're all gonna pay for this.

I think it's all crap. Just a myth.

What happened to the baby?

Sometimes I picture myself like Derek Jeter, you know?

I'm gonna choke you out.

There's a serial killer on the loose.

Please don't say you want to choke me.

I'd love having sex with your corpse.

I'm sorry. This isn't working for me.

Well, I sort of am your boyfriend, and I'm protecting you by having sex with you.

No! I don't need a man to protect me.

How could I have wasted this much time?

Is my self-esteem really that low?

I'm sorry. I think we need to take a break.

I need you to leave right now!

You know, it would really help me feel better if I could just crawl into bed with you for a few minutes.

Are you gonna touch my wiener, or you gonna leave my wiener alone?

I'll leave your wiener alone.

Where are your hands?

He has a huge boner!

Why don't you go in there and ogle his big old boner?

Okay, uh, first of all, I'm not gonna go ogle his big old boner, because I'm not gay.

Look, I'm sorry everybody wants to have sex with me. Okay? I can't help that.

I'm hot. Everybody wants to get with this. Women, men, animals in the zoo, plants, probably.

You're gonna have to go right now, 'cause I am breaking up with you.

Excuse me, I broke up with you!

I regretted what I said, and I just wanted to come here and tell you that I am so sorry.

Well, I accept your apology. And now I'm breaking up with you.

Do you know why I'm breaking up with you?

You can't deal with how hot I am.

Sorry, I just broke up with you.

Can you please put some clothes on?

Um, they said, uh, I shouldn't be alone, you know, in case I fall asleep and die.

Can I just get you a robe or something though?

So you're saying I'm the killer?

Okay, this isn't about me thinking you're boyfriend material.

God, I was so gonna go to third base with you tonight, too.

What if we stapled their earlobes?

Private like the parts on a man you like putting in your mouth?

I want to publicly come out as gay on my own.

I mean, you guys have to accept everybody, right?

I actually think that's illegal.

I will come after you, do you understand that? I will destroy you.

I trust you'll consider my offer.

Name one bad thing that ever happened at a Best Buy parking lot.

You're just, like, super attractive.

Um, well, I was trying to be inconspicuous.

It's better than losing your life.

I have a thing for playlists.

Someone's got a poo belly.

Sweet Yeezus, I don't even know where to begin with you.

Bitch, I'm about to smack you so hard, your tampon's gonna pop out.

I heard screaming.

So you think the serial killer is still up there?

Upstairs to get the killer before he gets away!

You just said that you think the killer is up there, and that's where you want to go?

This is freakin' terrifying!

The killer is in the house! You hear me?

I need my damn inhaler.

What, am I supposed to be scared?

Don't even come out. We plan on getting drunk, and I don't want your bad attitude ruining it.

We're headed down to White Stallion to pick up some sluts, baby!

Yes, okay, I burned her slightly, but stop saying that I killed her.

That was a tragic accident.

I am a kind and devoted and loving friend to all.

I'm not some crazed psychopath.

Maybe you're the killer.

I will not be put on trial.

The truth is we don't know who the killer is, and, yes, I suppose it could be someone in this room.

You want to go first?

I banged, like, 50 chicks.

What took you so long?

[unicorn-and-bluebells]

YES ALL OF THE ABOVE!! SUCH GOOD POINTS

Also, as if BMI being invented by Mr. "Pseudoscientific bane of my existence" Quetelet wasn't enough, it really is just complete piss at being a useful measurement (which is one of the shitsquillion reasons we shouldn't use it). I recall one moment in particular that just stands out in my mind as absolutely insane; in my freshman year gym class back in high school, our teacher decided to assign everyone different exercise durations based on our BMI measurements, so we had to do those. At the time, I was 4'9" tall, and weighed 116 pounds. Most of my weight was in muscle or tits/thighs (I'd hit a growth spurt and had been wrestling), but otherwise I was unhealthy; I didn't eat enough (both because I was broke, and because I was trying to be vegan while having celiac disease and no money), and you could see my ribs waaaaaay too fucking easily. According to the BMI chart, however, I was overweight, which meant I had to exercise for three extra minutes.

I will also note I had a "Zero period" class (my school had some class slots in zero period, which was before the school officially opened, so if you wanted to take 7 classes instead of 6, you could). So this meant most mornings I'd wake up, walk something like 6 blocks to school (often on no breakfast), arrive there at 7 in the morning, change in the locker room (sometimes scarf down a packed breakfast; often, that was a grilled vegan-cheese sandwich with avocado, and/or a thermos of coffee or tea. Usually just the coffee or tea though), do some stretches and shit, and then exercise, with three extra minutes tacked on for no good reason. Also, in the rest of my day I'd be in choir (not very physically taxing, but it does require standing for a long time and quite deep breathing. It also, at least with my body, requires a full but not recently filled stomach. An empty stomach begins to turn when you breathe too deeply from the diaphragm, and a full stomach causes...well, in normal people it'd be burps I suppose, but I'm physically incapable of burping for some fucking reason so it just makes weird gurgles in my throat instead), then a few sit-down classes, lunch (if I had one. Usually it was a baked potato), a few more classes, and then (because I liked to hurt myself back then idk) I'd stay after school for 3-7 hours (depending if it was "Hell week," aka dress rehearsals, or not) for theatre. If I was costuming, that meant lots and lots of running up and down the VERY steep stairs to and from the costume room and the stage, some vigorous climbing in the fabric room, lifting and carrying heavy fabrics and costumes, etc. If I was acting, that meant lots of standing for hours, walking, running, leaping, dancing, singing, you name it. You wouldn't think so, but I was more exhausted doing theatre than I had been wrestling. And if it was a regular 3-hour day, I'd walk the 6 blocks home again. All that, and you could see my scrawny ribs, but according to my BMI I was overweight. Fuckin shit made me want to chew glass.

This is just to say that no matter what your size is, please do your best not to heed your BMI. I know doctors and insurance companies still care way too fucking much about it, but in your own personal life you can at least rest assured that what it says has no basis in reality. It's pseudoscientific garbage invented by a Victorian racist man that says basically everyone ever is overweight. It's really no good indicator of your health or worth. In fact, it might be one of the worst indicators of those things.

god i hate how normalized diet culture and shit like bmi and calories are. bmi is based on eugenics. calories are a measurement of how much energy something gives u and not at all of how much weight or fat ull gain. diets have been proven to be harmful and ultimately unhelpful in actually losing weight. fatness has been largely proven to not be inherently unhealthy and doesnt inherently cause health issues.

if anyone has more good links to add on then please do and if anyone knows more on this stuff than me then dont hesitate to correct me!

[deadqcaxds]

before i start, i'd like to clarify that writergram is one of the most welcoming and supportive communities to have ever existed. it is a very fulfilling place to belong to, with a lot to learn and a lot to share.

but as far as i am concerned, i have faced a few problems nevertheless, causing me to vanish from my account for months. the writing community itself has not much role to play in creating them per se, so it can mostly be concluded that i was lacking.

so here are three of the situations i faced and my advice on them. if anyone else out there is going through the same thing, i hope this post helps :D

algorithm— okay, writing community or not, instagram's ever-changing algorithm is a pain in the ass for everyone and coping up with it isn't an easy task. what had me however, was the fact that few people got loads of followers and fantastic engagement somehow, while i kept hitting rock bottom.

and to be very frank, i felt that a few of them didn't even deserve their hype. they had low effort posts, used backgrounds, fonts and colors, i couldn't even read, didn't engage in anyone else's post and didn't follow the most important rule of writergram— supporting others. this was one of the most important reasons why i left. i couldn't agree with the fact that my effort was practically useless.

advice— listen people, it's no use feeling inferior or jealous of others, that's absolutely pathetic. if it triggers you that people are doing so much better with such less labor, block those accounts or restrict them so that you don't get reminded of it continuously.

secondly, the algorithm exists for a reason and even if it is crap, it is still a major method to grow your account. follow it, keep up with it and make sure everyone else keeps up with it in your posts as well. trust me, it takes some time, especially if you are a small account, but it will help you grow exponentially in just a bit. you need a tiny bit of patience for that, so hang in there mate, don't give up :)

school— personally, i cannot relate to this because i'm crap at giving a crap about school, but when i created this account, i was actually at the fag end of my 12th grade in science stream (indians out there can understand the pressure).

so even if i didn't care about my subjects, mentally it was still very taxing and this is coming from someone who has surpassed the limits of irresponsibility (you can ask my friends if you don't believe me).

advice— as many writergrammers have said before, prioritize school. especially if you are the sincere type, PRIORITIZE SCHOOL, PRIORITIZE YOUR GRADES, PRIORITIZE YOURSELF!

please, spending time on your posts is absolutely not worth getting a C or a 70% for (i got them, i'd know). the crushing guilt you'll feel afterwards will kill you., LISTEN TO ME!

mental health— keeping up with the numerous posts of numerous people in your numerous following, genuinely supporting them, trying to keep up with the benchmark other writing accounts seem to reach so easily can be exhausting. i know, i feel you.

and then the regular interaction with people can be extremely nerve wracking for people who overthink anything they text, but unfortunately making friends, and close ones at that, is very essential to the writing community.

advice— take a break oh my god. and i'll repeat that, TAKE A FUCKING BREAK! if you were already on hiatus, EXTEND IT! what do you think matters more? yourself? or the engagement on your posts? no one expects you to post regularly and give your fullest in each of them., so you shouldn't be too hard on yourself either.

and about your insecurity of texting, none of the people here are monsters, if you talk to them about your problems with talking to them, i'm pretty sure you'd be surprised that none of them mind much, well, most of them probably don't even care, they are just happy that you text them at all :D

[it1776]

https://it1776.com Free shipping from USA! Buy cheap affordable gamepads, gaming keyboard, headsets, gaming mouses, sound bar, sports headphones, wireless headphones

- Hey, guys, this is Austin.

This is the brand new Series 2 Edition

of the Xbox Elite controller, which has got me thinking.

Kevin, what is the best controller that I can buy right now?

- Well, we got a different couple options to talk about here

so let's round 'em up and see.

(imitates music)

? Kevin Kenson music, Kevin Kenson music, ?

? Kevin Kenson music, do do doo ?

The benchmark that I compare every single controller to

is the current generation Xbox One.

Now, it's seen some updates over the last few years,

like Bluetooth and an audio jack,

you also have the Design Lab.

But this is always what I compare things to.

Kev, why am I wrong?

- I mean, look, the standard Xbox One controller

is a great controller.

When it comes to just the baseline models

that come with systems

this is honestly my my personal favorite as well.

- [Austin] Same, yeah.

- But there's a lot of room for improvement still

and there's a lot of things that have kind of become more

common and popular amongst pro controllers

that aren't necessarily feasible

in an affordable regular baseline like this one.

- Such as.

- Such as Microsoft's own Xbox One Elite 2.

Honestly, we could talk all day

about the special features and things.

I think the main kind of take away points

aside from just general build quality,

multiple sticks you can use, multiple D-pads, back paddles.

Which are pretty common across a lot of these ones.

The big stuff for this too though

is the unique customization features

that are in the Xbox Accessories app

where you can do things like button remapping,

adding a Shift button options, stick acceleration,

lots of crazy in depth stuff.

- And of course, this works across the Xbox

as well as the PC and those settings that you sync

will actually work across consoles as well.

Or across, did I just call PC a console?

I mean, across systems, across platforms.

- Identity crisis.

So aside from the Elite 2

the other one we have here is the Prestige.

Now, this is the newest one from Scuf

I'd mentioned earlier

and the main thing with this

is that this is a modified Xbox One controller

so it still has the same core base in it,

which is really cool actually

'cause that means you can use it with the Xbox One,

the upcoming Project Scarlet, PC, whatever,

if it works with Xbox controller it'll work with this.

One of the cool things about it

is how you can further modify it.

If you wanna change the sticks or anything

you actually just pop off the faceplate.

- That's cool.

- And this is how you can swap out the sticks.

You can also switch out the D-pad,

although I think you can just do that

from having this faceplate on as well.

So this one has four adjustable paddles,

you can take them off if you don't wanna use them.

- [Austin] The problem though

is that this is expensive, right?

this is actually around the same price

as the Elite controller?

- So, it's 20 bucks cheaper

if you just buy the base model unmodified.

But one of the big things about Scuf

is how you wanna customize it to make it your own design

so depending on if you want certain colors,

special designs, different sticks,

depending on all the things you modify and do to it

it can end up adding up to being quite more money.

- So I get that you're really excited

about your controllers and everything

but really everyone knows the superior way

to play any kind of game is using a mouse and keyboard.

Which I so helpfully have provided

with the Razer Turret.

- [Ken] You said this was controller video.

- This works with an Xbox, I can control my games with it,

I think that counts.

- [Ken] What is wrong with you?

- Can I bring in a racing wheel next then?

- There's a cursor inside the game.

It's almost as if I'm playing on a PC called the Xbox.

- Now to be clear, this is because the Xbox

actually does support keyboard and mouse,

it doesn't have to necessarily be the Turret

but the Turret is an awesome controller design

specifically for the Xbox in mind.

- 'Cause essentially you're getting

like a proper Razer keyboard

that's built into this little platform.

And then you have the mouse which is magnetic

so you can actually kind of.

You have a little like mousepad.

So if I was sitting.

- Come on, do it, yep.

Yeah, squat work out!

- This is the way all true gamers play.

So the Turret is certainly not cheap.

At $250 this is probably the most expensive thing here.

So the thing with the Turret is that

you really shouldn't use this

as purely like an Xbox controller.

I mean, you can use it like that, certainly.

But it sorta makes more sense

if you have like a PC and an Xbox

and you wanna have everything

kind of unified into one setup.

- Or if you just really love playing

just Fortnite all the time

and you wanna keyboard and mouse set up.

- And you don't wanna use a PC.

- And you don't wanna use a PC.

- Yeah, that's really popular.

Now over on the PlayStation side of things

we of course have the DualShock 4.

A perfectly respectable controller, it's good, fine,

but it's not really great, it's really super impressive

which is why I'm really curious,

especially to play with this Raiju.

- So actually, real quick before focusing in the Raiju,

I think something that's interesting about PlayStation

is that on Xbox you saw some similarities

with the two controllers we were trying,

they were both based on the standard Xbox design.

All three of these are very different.

All three pro controllers we're looking at

are very different approaches

of how to make a pro controller.

- This doesn't work.

- Does it not work or did you not log in properly to...

- You would be correct, I didn't log in correctly.

- There you go.

- Kevin Kenson, PlayStation expert.

- So the deal with the Raiju is that

at least out of the different pro controllers

we're looking at today,

it's the least physically customizable.

There's a little bit you can do,

you can swap out that D-pad, it does have some other sticks.

But the really heavy focus is on

just straight up the build quality.

- It's so sturdy, this to me out of all these controllers

is the only one that feels on par

with the Xbox Elite controllers

as far as just like, it's beefy, it feels heavy,

it feels like this is something I can throw across the room

in a fit of rage after I lose in Fortnite

and it'll be just fine.

- The table that it hits won't be, but yes,

the controller will survive.

- Now, you know, I totally get that customization is great

and for some people, especially with like the Scuf stuff

you can go really over the top.

But for me, I'm one of those guys

who wants to walk into Subway

and order the sandwich just as it comes.

When I go into Blaze Pizza I'm like,

I just want a pizza with pepperoni on it.

I get overwhelmed with too much choice and you know what,

this doesn't have too much choice.

I just pick up the controller, I'm like,

look, someone smarter than me designed this.

Sweet, I'm on board.

- Of the controllers we have out here today

I think this the only,

is this the only one that we're talking about?

- [Ken] Yeah.

- This is the only one we're talking about

that is actually not available normally in North America.

You can get it, you just have to import it

which also means you're probably gonna spend

a little more money than the actual MSRP lists.

- How much is it if I wasn't importing it,

like say if I'm in Europe,

how much does this controller cost?

- Well you know, that was something I planned on checking

when we weren't filming earlier and hold on a moment please.

- That's fine, I gotta kill some droids.

- Now the Scuf Vantage, really almost the opposite

of what the Raiju is.

While the Raiju is focused on minimal physical customization

but having lots of just high build quality,

the Vantage is all about modular design.

Kind of like what we saw with the Prestige,

you can take the faceplate off.

- That's cool.

- But on this one you can swap the sticks, the D-pad,

and even take out the rumble motors if you want.

Kinda like we were talking with the Prestige earlier,

with Scuf things are so customizable

there's not really one set price.

There's a starting price.

If you get a wired version of this it starts at 170.

If you get a wired wireless version it's 200.

- I will say that so far this is still my favorite.

- I will admit, personally, that's my top as well,

for the PlayStation at least.

And actually let's go ahead and talk about

this last guy then.

- [Austin] So, you need a screwdriver

to work on this guy I see.

- Yeah, so there's a faceplate that locks in,

it keeps all the modules, as they pop out.

So you can do things like, lets say you like offset sticks,

you can have this set up.

Or if you don't, take that off, swap 'em,

and now you have symmetrical.

But I like offset so I'm gonna put it back.

- [Austin] I'm afraid to ask,

how much does the Astro C40 cost?

- Well the C40 is $200 for the base design

and it does not include all the different swappable parts.

So if you wanna get all the different D-pads

and all the different sticks it's gonna be a little more.

We have fewer controllers to talk about for Switch

than we do for Xbox and PlayStation

so I came up with a solution, I got one more.

- Okay, I mean, you've done a video

on every like Switch controller ever so.

(electronic music)

What is this slime thing?

- That, my friend, you are holding the one, the only,

HORI Slime controller for Switch.

- [Ken] I love that!

- Why? - It's adorable.

- This is not meant for human hands!

- It is not comfortable but it is amazing.

I should note that I guess kinda like the Raiju

we were talking about earlier,

this is a Japanese exclusive so if you want one of these

you are gonna have to pay top dollar to import it.

- How much is this really?

How much did you pay for it?

- I wanna say I paid 80.

- Oh.

After these $200 stupid controllers

$80 for a joke is, well, it's actually wait,

no, that's still a joke.

Can we look at some real controllers now?

- How dare you, how dare you. - Insult me.

So for the Switch when it comes to pro controllers

I think the one that really comes closest

to kind of at least capturing the idea right now

is the SN30 Pro Plus from 8BitDo.

- That actually really surprises me

because it's obviously a Super Nintendo style controller

but it has the grips as well as you have the sticks.

And this also works with a pretty wide variety

of different devices, right?

It's not just a Switch controller.

- Yeah, so 8BitDo controllers are designed to work

with the Switch, with PC, Mac, and Android.

- But you said this is 50 bucks, right?

- I believe so, yeah.

- That's not bad, especially considering, I mean,

I've got like $1,000 worth of controllers

on the table right now.

- Yeah, and in terms of what

kind of makes it a pro controller versus say,

using the official pro controller from Nintendo

is that this does offer some of those

special features that people equate with pro controllers,

like you can do things like actually remapping

what all the buttons are.

So if for whatever reason you really want B

to actually be the right trigger button

you can set that up if you like.

- [Austin] Now, obviously this is not as full featured

as the proper pro controller

since you don't have NFC for Amiibo

and you don't have rumble, or do you?

- [Kevin] No, this does have rumble, that's right.

- [Austin] Oh, that's awesome, okay, cool.

- You do have motion controls though.

- Oh, that's cool, okay.

- So this is the Split Pad Pro from HORI

and it's meant to be an alternative to Joy-Cons.

Now, because it is a third party option

it doesn't actually have all the features

that you might get used to seeing in a Joy-Con.

You don't have rumble, you don't have the ability to use

Amiibo scanning, you do have the motion controls still.

But the big trade off for that

is that you actually have a longer--

- It fits your hands. - Yeah.

It's a longer controller that's actually designed

to fit in your hands.

- I mean, look at the difference, right,

it's not even close.

Now, that doesn't necessarily fit in a bag as well

or anything like that but these,

to me the Joy-Cons are fine for a quick game

or if you wanna do some like Just Dance or whatever

but this is not a super comfortable way,

especially when you're using them

even in like a Joy-Con grip.

It's not that great for long periods of time.

- Well, and especially being used in handheld mode

I gotta say that it's not just a matter of the size,

it's not just that the thing is simply bigger,

it's that it actually does have contoured grips

and is designed to fit in your hands a specific way.

It does have remappable buttons on the backside.

Because these are each individual units

you can only remap buttons that are on the same side.

But still, that's better than not having

any remappables at all.

And because it's a HORI controller it has a turbo function.

- Because turbo is what we need.

You can't non-turbo game.

- I mean, if you like turbo, the slime does it.

Wanna use that slime, it's got a turbo button.

- I'm good, you have at it.

Now, if you actually want to use some of these controllers

you might find the sponsor of today's video useful.

This is the brand new Optoma CinemaX P1.

This is a 4K ultra short throw projector

which can go all the way up to a full 120 inch picture.

And the cool part about this

is that you don't have to sacrifice your space.

Even if you have a smaller room or apartment,

you can still get the maximum out of the projector

by putting it just a few inches away.

The picture quality is incredible too.

Not only are you getting an insane amount of brightness

for a projector but it even supports HDR10.

You're also getting an integrated Dolby Digital 2.0 soundbar

with a full 40 watts of power.

Now of course, if you want you can connect it

to a full speaker set up,

but honestly just the way it comes,

it actually works really well

as an all in one entertainment center.

It also supports a variety of streaming services,

you have voice control using Google Home as well as Alexa

and you can also take advantage

of the Info Wall app to fully customize the experience.

If you're looking to up your home theater game

then you should definitely be sure

to check out the Optoma CinemaX P1

at the link in the description,

and again, huge shout out to Optoma

for sponsoring this video.

This excellent bit of consumer advice

has been brought to you by Kevin Kenson,

you can feel free to subscribe to his channel

at YouTube.com/KevinKenson.

Kev, can you please play us out with a little tune maybe,

a song and dance, perhaps an ode to the slime?

- [Kevin] I can set things on fire.

- That's a great alternative.

- [Kevin] Oh, this doesn't have

super reactive environment, I forgot.

- Are you complaining about the Witcher on Switch?

The greatest port of all time

according to everyone on YouTube?

- [Kevin] I mean, it does run great considering.

- It does look like Vaseline was smeared on my TV though.

[alannahaisling]

The day I slipped into a Panic and anxiety attack.

This, this is going to be long winded.

I'm just going to come out and say it. No, I don't want sympathy. This is just me using this particular blog for what it was meant for. A space for me to vent, to be my authentic self. To reflect, to just let things spill out from my mind through my fingers and onto the screen on which you may be reading this.

First things first. The Icons I'll be using here are not rp muns, they are simply my emotions on display. My IRL self as displayed by characters I adore from the Teen Titans fandom.

Ooookay lets get down it.

I help moderate a stream, have been doing it for a while. I became fast friends with the streamer and pull long hours. Roughly 4-5 hours per stream, unless I have class the next day.

To my knowledge, nobody ever had an issue with me. Save the odd person here or there, that may have disagreed with me, but at least they would tell me to my face, and I would shrug it off and move on. It was as simple as that.

My friend, who I love to death, has on more than one occasion had to reassure me that I was actually doing a good job. I lost count how many times I asked if I needed to improve, or if there were any rough areas that may need to change.

A good chunk of the time, they would just kinda raise their voice, and be like. "Damnit, you're good. You're fine." and then try to cheer me up with silly cat pictures. My ultimate kryptonite.

This friend of mine has worked with me for a few years now, talking about deep heavy personal stuff. They know I am medically diagnosed with ptsd, social anxiety, and have been dealing with depression for years. So they're not a stranger to my triggers and I love them for respecting when I need to just be alone, or only want some quality time one on one for a few hours. You hear that you knucklehead? Yeah you, I know you at least read this shit.

Moving on.

On friday, we had a.. bad night of it. Not even an hour in, after happily gathering folks who wanted to play the chosen game with us that night, someone. Who I will call 2P, dumped a huge paragraph, attacking my character and personality as a mod, in my friends private discord DMS.

2P for months, had been telling me to my face, that they saw me as a best friend, that anything I ever said and or did would be safe to do. You know the whole, you can trust me bit. I blindly trusted, and hind sight maybe I shouldn't have.

Meanwhile the entire time, I apparently had been talked about behind my back, negatively for a while? I don't know.

So we paused the stream, and go into another server that's locked down to a limited set of people and discuss it. Friend is, PISSED, but is trying to not yell, and asks me what we should do about it.

In my head I'm just reeling. I'm asking my friend, if I'm a bad mod, if I've fucked up somewhere, I'm totally confused. I can't concentrate, and there's this choking hurt in my chest. One I know all too well.

The feeling of dread. The feeling that I messed up, that I'm useless, and a fraud.

My friend is trying hard to make sure I'm okay, by this point they know, this has fucked with my head. In a huge way. 17- going on 18 years of therapy suddenly going down the drain, spiralling out of control.

They Cut the stream short.

I'm exhausted, tired, feeling beaten. I just say a few things to 2P and leave their discord server, kick them from my private one, and from the one I made for my streamer friend for the game we play with other people. In addition, also a possible person who may cause me issues, because 2P's probably been shit talking me for a few months now.

Friend is arguing on my behalf, another mutual and their friend, instantly demands to get in call. We'll call them... Uh.. Fuck, Tataru , and Estinien for sake of ease. Tataru is having none of it, they are witnessing my typed anxieties. They are hearing our mutual friend, trying very hard to not just *yell*.

2P is dropping the nasty paragraph in other dms now, belonging to other regulars. It's escalating pretty fast. I am now a villain, and a victim in one role, and 2P is also playing the role of victim because my dearest friend just told 2P Off.

"2P, isn't getting it!" My friend is saying with a calm anger. "2P is just constantly going on and on about how (my name) is bad for the stream." Or something to that effect. "They don't even fucking realize how fucking hurtful they are being."

"You need to stop responding." Tataru is saying. "Just, tell the mother fucker, NO and block 2P on everything."

I guess 2P is quickly realizing that they are losing the fight, so they come into my dms. Shit forgot to block them there. I think in my head, and I see them trying to bring the argument to me. They tell me, that I'm handling the situation all wrong.

I don't even respond. I'm tired. I'm just done. I'm mentally slipping back to the days I was mentally and emotionally abused, and gaslit.

GASLIT.

GASLIT!

I block 2P. For my mental health.

Estinien with their calming voice, is outlining streamer etiquette rules. 2P is definitely out of line, as a viewer. If we want, Estinien can pretty much hit up a wider streamer network, and have the name of 2P blacklisted from other communities.

By this point, another regular is talking to my friend asking what is going on. Then another. Slowly, I read through logs my friend has dumped into the 4 person private call.

Then I see it.

"I'll just lie through my teeth to her about why I'm leaving or something. Just don't tell (My name) I said any of this. " In regards to the in game guild My friend and I Co Run.

Silently mutter to myself. Not that the others can hear me, my headsets broken. "Ah, the other shoe has dropped. 2P's been lying to me the whole time. I've been gaslit all over again. No wonder I feel like I do."

Estinien and Tataru get sleepy and go to bed. My friend stays up as long as they can as I sort my head out, trying to timeline events. I'm given logs, screen shots. 2P's been blocked. I lock down my twitter for a day. I lose 20 hours sleep.

I spent those 20 hours of no sleep, asking and apologizing to regulars if 2P has ever talked to them about me. Most of them say NO, and reassure me I'm a good mod, that I make the stream warm, fun, welcoming and comfortable for all kinds of people.

A good friend of mine, who I will ironically call Angellica, because we call each other sis, and I view myself as Eliza from Hamilton. Once had told me to be careful with 2P from the start, because they had a bad vibe about them, is PISSED off, and yeets them out of an in game group chat. "Fuck em, 2P's a troll."

I realize, that Angellica literally stood by and chose my happiness. Cause yeah, I thought 2P was someone I could trust. After what happened though, I realized that I had been mistaken and apologized, To Angellica.

Now 2P is going around seeing who still will consider them friends, or are neutral parties. I was made aware of this because one of them, a mature friend actually asked me what 2P was going on about. So I gave them the run down. They were disgusted with 2P's behavior.

Now a days, 2P takes screen shots of anybody on twitter, that has blocked them and smears their names.

2P still doesn't get it.

But I'm moving on from it.

I have screenshots and logs. But I don't ever plan on releasing them publicly.

So yeah, 2P if you ever come across this, and figure out I'm talking about you, I severed ties with you, because friends don't lie to each other, Friends don't talk behind each others backs, they don't force other good close friends to sit on the *truth* of how you feel. Friends can disagree, and can have different opinions.

But You burned your bridges yourself.

I've always had a three strike ruleset.

One: You lied to my face multiple times.

Two: You pretended to be my friend.

Three: You actively gaslit me, and my friend.

Sooo THAT'S why I cut ties with you. Your behavior after that was just you playing the victim, and none of us 30 plus year olds were just going to sit by and let you have your 20 something year old tantrum.

I bare you no ill will, and I doubt any of us are going to even blast you in an open space like twitter releasing the logs or screen shots. I'm just noping out of this parasocial relationship because that's all it was. I refuse to be used, as a way for people to get close to and use my friend as they work on their passions and goals.

Adieu 2P , nothing was lost the day I walked away, except all the work my friend did to get me out of my isolated shell. But you know what? They'll just pull me back out, and support me 100% You'll never break us up.

[argylemikewheeler]

Actually nvm I'm gonna go off a bit.

Because I can totally see the beginnings of hints of Billy being queer coded-- mostly through his character being homoEROTIC not just coded in having a queer experience (compare Billy's strangely intimate shower scene with Steve to Will's conversation with Jonathan about not liking things people tell him he should). Billy is being created to have internalized homophobia, and that's very obvious. Will is being shown to be discovering himself, but not entirely sure what to make of it (although I like to think that he Knows). So I have two concerns with possible outcomes of s3

1. Billy is gay, Will is straight. (For this, I'm assuming Will's sexuality question IS answered and it's made that he's straight.)

This is a problem for me because while Billy has every opportunity in the writing to be a possibly interesting gay character to interact with the reputation/assumptions of him in Hawkins, he's an awful person. He charged a middle schooler with the intent of seriously hurting him and nearly did kill someone his own age (where in many of THOSE interactions are seen as sexual charged as well). This added layer of internalized homophobia isn't enough "sad backstory" to forgive Billy and I hope the duffer brothers don't use it to do that. I don't want Billy's emotional coming out/self confession to be used as a blanket to cure his Bad Traits. Gay people can be bad too-- we aren't perfect and shouldn't use a minority label to cover up our privileges and biases (or violent racism).

Also? Will is an average kid in Hawkins. His coming out would speak so clearly to so many people who grew up just kind of... Stumbling into their sexuality revelation while the world kept spinning (and crashing) around them. Will having interest in Mike or another boy would show such an interesting side to this boy that has dealt with possession and near death. His sexuality isn't anything but another facet to his childhood-- his coming of age story would involve awkward snow ball dancing, "crazy together", and some alternate dimensional monsters. He'd get to showcase a Positive gay childhood without it all BEING about being The Gay Kid. He's also the Kid Who Survived The Fourth Fucking Dimension, who's also got a crush on Brian from Algebra.

2. Both Billy and Will are gay

My only issue with this is pretty simple: they are created to complement each other in some way. If the duffers write Billy gay too, I don't want to see the two of them leveling with each other and seemingly having shared experiences.

They've already coded Billy's sexuality to be linked to physical intimacy and sex. Billy's is shown as an unhealthy and unpacked response to his unwanted sexual desires and interests in the men he's supposed to be Better Than and competing with socially (Steve). Billy is unmistakably sexually charged with all interactions- even fighting someone nearly to death.

Will is not. Will has a crush on Mike (i say this from all of the bts notes and general observations). A crush, a growing of feelings based around developing relationships that form when you hit puberty. You start to realize friends can have hierarchy in your life-- which ones are closer to your heart, and Why. It's a development to see Will go through as a regular kid AND as a gay kid.

Billy's arc would involve cutting through layers of homophobia taught to him by his father and his environment. Having these two characters interact as if equals would blur the two mindsets and representations.

Will's coming out is as Average as Mike having feelings for El in season 1. Billy's is shown as something boiling under the surface and causing unhappiness. I don't want to see Will look at Billy as his Older Gay Role model and see him channeling frustration, (which is undoubtedly in Will's future too) into rage and anger and self-loathing. I also don't want Will's coming of age to be shown parallel to sexual frustration. That's unnecessary, inappropriate, and not at all what his arc is doing currently

It would be a great disservice, I think, to take the very genuine representation created (AND NOTICED BY FANS) and have it just be used to show Will as "Strange" while having violent and sexually charged behavior be "explained" by Billy being gay in a small town.

And that's the that on that

Big fear: One of the big risks of S3 is making Billy gay but not Will

Ohhhhhh boy. I have so many goddamn feelings and opinions on this issue, sweetie. Fucking SAME. This is the One Big Fear. I’m not gonna go off (just yet) but I definitely think about this possibility and get Angry.