#i'm just a bit depresso... hopefully it will pass... but also this doesn't even cover everything i'm feeling...

[hesitationss]

i truly don't mean to be so depressed, but it just feels so difficult to exist rn. i feel like early on in 2025, i realized there was like a veil over my existence for parts of 2023 and 2024 where it felt i was committing spiritual death against myself. i've since grown and built like meaningful friendships and support, but it always feels like there's something missing and unfulfilled. i feel lonely because i can't be with my long distance friends who are still in the place i used to live, but everyone has changed and so have i. even the very infrastructure of these cities have changed and maybe bcuz i'm also of a diaspora... i just feel like i'll always be somewhere "in between". i also feel lonely because i can't impose on people like i used to. everyone is so lonely and isolated and won't reach back when i reach forward. sometimes i cancel on people against my better interests. ahh idk also trying to be disciplined in work, life, political life... it's just a huge weight that prevents me from actually doing anything plus i've been triggered by some things that remind me that i'm not as healed as i though i was. i'll think to myself "well i'm 27, this shouldn't bother me anymore" and then it does...

last month IG decided to revivie my old account... both weird and nice, it reminded me that i've lived a nice a full life and have friends who have loved me from a long time, but also stirred up some not great memories. overall indifferent and creepy, but it was a harsh reminder that so many of the people that i meet now only know one version of myself and that unless we become really close, they'll probably never know all these other versions of myself... it's kind of sad. at the same time, i'm being treated in more meaningful and deep ways with others and i think this weight has also been making me emotional. seeing the evidence of love and deep connection last month made me really really happy last month, but now it feels so overwhelming...idk dear diary how can i exist, work, love, and feel like a person who had their physiological and emotional needs met growing up...