#idk it's difficult to explain really and i'm bad at articulating this stuff

[n1ntendos]

also idk where to put this because it's been quite literally eating away at me, like i know i need to talk to my actual partner about this rather than my diary or the internet, but i've talked abt it before on here how he is struggling with addiction, and as someone struggling with it myself i also understand completely.

he's been sober since november but whenever we talk about it he straddles the line between telling me he no longer feels the urge to do it and is glad he quit, but then talking about good memories he had of the past when he was in his active addiction, how he'd do it with his best friends (this is another reason why i really don't like hanging out with his friends, because this social aspect, according to him, is the most tempting thing that makes him want to do it again), how he misses those "good ol'" days, etc. like it just completely confuses me and makes me very upset. to clarify the substances we're talking about here is coke, alcohol, weed, xtcy, shrooms, and lsd. his addiction to weed is pretty bad and it was more of a social thing, coke he hasn't done since 2019 but says he misses it since it was a fun party drug and he doesn't see anything wrong with it, shrooms he does mostly on festivals. but while under the influence of all this he did very risky stuff that put his life in danger (crashing into a bus, driving under influence, drinking/doing drugs all day and night, etc.) that he sees as fun and honestly minimizes the danger of, in my opinion, then tells me i'm overexaggerating when i say it's dangerous.

alcohol, my thing, is something that is definitely tempting esp in social settings but is something i definitely do not miss, i don't have good memories associated with it, and it makes me feel awful, there's no pleasure associated with it. obv the high of weed and coke and stuff is incomparable to alcohol.

he says that he doesn't feel cravings because i help him through it, but then tells me that if he wants to start smoking again he'll do it, "sorry", because he's a grown man and it's his life, which just confuses the hell out of me.

i was the one who asked him to stop smoking weed because it made him binge eat and then starve himself (which eventually developed into an eating disorder) and have issues with other things, it also made me feel very far away from him, disconnected when he got high. he would also drive me when he was high and i was really scared we'd crash. that convo where i asked him to stop was really difficult and it felt like he minimized a lot of these worries i brought up, either to convince me or maybe himself that nothing was wrong, which made me feel really invalidated. and obv i didn't tell him i feel invalidated because i'm terrified of confrontation, and i felt like i was controlling him or being bossy by wanting him to stop.

i just don't want to upset him by telling him how i feel and the confusion of it because i don't know myself how the fuck i feel and how to properly articulate it, and this is a really complex and difficult issue, because i have a feeling he misses the time period he was getting high at and active addiction because it was fun, social, and nice, but at the same time he knows it's better for his health to be sober. i just don't know if i should even talk to him about this and HOW to even talk to him about this, because the part where he basically said "yeah sorry i'm a grown man and if i want to do it i'll do it" really hurt me for reasons i can't explain.

it all makes me wonder if this relationship is even worth it and if the future is something i see for us? because this is like the elephant in the room that is really painful for me

[septembersghost]

you know what i hated? when they gave sam dean's dream picnic with lisa, only with amelia in reality, and they tried to pass it off as being what sam wanted and dean being a captor keeping him in the life, when dean had combat ptsd and was hanging on by a thread. it was so stupid. that was what DEAN WANTED, it was literally his dream, which sam himself witnessed. it was never what sam and his stupid haircut wanted! season eight makes me rage

the salt about sam’s hair...

tbh what was going on with the styling in S8? this was when the makeup artists went fully insane and started covering up all of jensen’s freckles. w h y

the entire amelia plotline offends me, especially as someone who openly stans and will fight for many of the hated women in this show. the way they handled her was bad all around. 

the picnic scene is so transparently meant to parallel the (far more effective) dream a little dream of me scene, to the point where she’s practically sitting the same way, and it’s bathed in that overly saturated warm light (though S8 is also suffering from the lack of the wash and the previous cinematography. it starts to change in S6/7, but I feel like that really kicks in fully in S8. I don’t know if it’s because they used the filter over the purgatory scenes, they decided to make reality brighter? a large majority of the later seasons could be visually improved simply by keeping the original aesthetic value). i agree, it’s wild that they took what was a longing dream for dean and made it a reality for sam. i also agree with you about his combat-related ptsd, which is different from his hell trauma in some significant (though also upsetting) ways. it’s difficult to see him like that, but he has been in a bloody, grimy warzone for a year, where things were much more clear cut, even though that clarity is kill-or-be-killed, and he’s slightly feral. idk I have a lot of thoughts about post-purgatory dean and his perspective/demeanor being both strengthened and diminished all at once that I'm too tired to articulate rn. if you go back to “we keep each other human,” that’s what dean is frantically trying to find, and sam not looking for him, sam consistently saying he’s going to leave (which i’m not saying he was wrong to want at that point, but the way he wielded it was NOT kind or helpful. take this exchange:

Dean: I know where I'm at my best, and that is right here, driving down crazy street next to you.

Sam: Makes sense.

Dean: Yes, it does.

Sam: Or... maybe you don't need me. I mean, maybe you're at your best hacking and slicing your way through all the world's crap alone, not having to explain yourself to anybody.

Dean: Yeah, that makes sense, seeing as I have so many other brothers I can talk to about this stuff.

Sam: Look, I'm not saying I'm bailing on you. I'm just saying make room for the possibility that we want different things. I mean, I want my time to count for something.

Dean: So, what we do doesn't count?

Dean is trying SO HARD to re-establish their connection and Sam is telling him he’s better off alone killing things in the dark. Dean has already lived that life, while Sam was at Stanford, and we know how lonely he was. Sam then implies that their time together hasn’t counted for anything, though this is not true. this is potentially worse in light of the way some are reading the ending but I refuse to unpack that or go there. Sam does have the right to assert himself and to want independence, but the conversations about it unfold in SUCH a hurtful way.

then Dean almost gets his heart ripped out of his chest, and it’s also heavily implied as partially a sexual assault.

and the center of the episode is about someone who lived alone for centuries, finally found a person who reminded him of something more than violence, and couldn’t continue to stand surviving if that humanity was lost.

“You can't imagine the burden of it all. I think even Brick was through. He could see the end of my days were at hand, and... He had lived centuries all alone, but I don't think he could bear the thought of life without me. That's why he drove off that bridge." many of the MOTW episodes of course paralleled their story and lives, and the conclusion here is how adrift Dean is feeling. oof.)

and it’s all tension to lead to the trials and to Sacrifice, but even knowing that...it’s rough.