#if im quiet for a long while. its bcuz im in the depths of modding me1 and also stressing about some irl stuff. i Will return | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

shepcdr · 2 months ago

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head empty when it comes to putting ic words on the dash... but at the same time, agender/nonbinary yishai shepard is living in my mind rent-free i fear. thinking about this and its relation to yishai's intensely strong empathy for the geth and for edi: beings crafted as tools of labour and war (in terms of the geth) and intelligence, as tools of service to a master. things to whom autonomy was denied, their freedoms shackled, their enquiries towards their own identities — and their rights to simply be — seen as threats to be crushed underfoot.

there is a reason he rarely, rarely ever chooses the destroy ending, and a reason that he is so utterly crushed and devastated when he does. (and he is contrite until the geth and edi are brought fully back to functionality — however i plan to make that happen in my happy ending — and even after.)

#i love my he/him guy who is not really Anything .. u know what i mean?? anywho his bio says 'pan/queer (unlabelled ic)' for a reason.#for him... to put a label to his experience in terms of sexuality and attraction means Defining himself in some way. and also giving a fuck #& he does not feel a connection to his body (nor to gender/pronouns) unless in the context of battle/combat/fighting/some similar purpose #acknowledging that disconnect and the fact that his experience of gender falls outside human norms does also require self-reflection #and he is not keen to self-reflect where emotions are involved. BUT he recognises this in other things that were sculpted and carved-#-to such a degree as he was. in beings like edi and the geth. things that are 'lesser to organics' — ofc this doesn't happen until me2 #when he gets the chance to work past his paranoia on the sr2 re: edi and the cerberus crew + when he gets to interact with legion.#hm. in terms of physical and romantic attraction. he's capable i think of being attracted to anyone and anything #BUT he is drawn very much to beings that can understand his experience. ppl/things who Know what it's like to have their existence Shaped-#into something against their will. or maybe they never had any choice at all; they were brought into this world with predetermined purpose #anyway shep doesn't care abt pronouns. but he'd get no joy out of being referred to as they/it or anything else despite those fitting Best #but. if there is anyone out there who can look into his eyes and Know intimately what it is like to be him. then That is affirmation #to be known. to know he is not alone. and to be cared for and maybe even loved despite being known: that is affirmation #to be deleted.#if im quiet for a long while. its bcuz im in the depths of modding me1 and also stressing about some irl stuff. i Will return #sometimes i do think about ftm yishai and i Like it. but that would in some form alter his experience in the reds i think...#including his dynamic with dacnis and im not sure about that. being amab and agender i think is core to His personal experience #and i say this as someone who is afab/transmasc and a hot fucking mess. putting myself into his shoes in his pre alliance days #and it Does alter a few things. esp his perception + ppls perception Of him in ways im not sure abt exploring with Him in particular #for other characters most certainly — but for yishai i feel like he always grew up + was seen as + looked at and treated as a boy #and that in part has made him who he is now. but ugggghhh ftm agender yishai shepard ... i really do think abt it often...#making hmmmmm noises of contemplation rn bcuz ive debated this for Quite a time .. eternal conflict until the sun dies out #try finding that on government paperwork. \` * file: HEADCANON.#another day in yappersville ☀️ \` * file: OOC.

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