#ihadaflareupsobadicalledoutofatotaloffourdaysofworkandleftearlybythreehoursoneday | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

punkrockisafulltimejob · 10 months ago

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I'm working on a project on my computer and vaping, this is the closest I've been to my normal pain level in days. I know it won't last, especially not when I'm trying to sleep later.

Trying to ignore the guilt of disappearing from work for three days, when the last time I did that it was my mental breakdown two years ago.

#it's not like then #not really #I mean it is and it isn't #my physical health was/is in a point of decline and the fear of pushing myself too hard became/is becoming too much #but I've grown so much in the last two years #I'm not gonna lie #sometimes I wish I had quit the work force back then #I obviously couldn't have predicted the sharp decline of my physical health over the course of this calendar year #but it happened #so the day to day question becomes now what?#now what do I do with myself/my life/my time/my energy/my independence/my god knows what else #nothing I am physically capable of doing is going to fulfill me and the things that fulfill me are now out of reach #so what fucking now?#I think this is it folks #I think it's time to start planning my exit strategy from the work force #and I don't know how the fuck I'm gonna do that when we literally just bought a condo #and I have therapy tomorrow too so I get to try and relay all this to my therapist in just half an hour lol #I don't regret dropping down to maintenance sessions #but sometimes you just need more time #tomorrow I'll get on the phone and be like ohmygodjoshitsbeensuchafuckingweek #ihadaflareupsobadicalledoutofatotaloffourdaysofworkandleftearlybythreehoursoneday #andnowimhavingcompletefearsaboutbeingsocompletelyincapacitatedthatillneverleavethehouseagain #and he'll be like well first of all BREATHE #second of all there's nothing indicating that this is unlike every other flare up that you've managed to fight through after a week plus #and then I'll be like butwhatifimstuckhomewithkaren24/7andshedrivesmebatshitwhenicantleaveonmyown?#and then he'll be like what did I just say about breathing?#but then he'll point out that the point of us moving is so we can get more space and be able to separate ourselves from her more #and then I'll cycle back to but she won't see reason and take the downstairs bedroom now instead of god knows how long down the line #trust me we do this every two weeks lol

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