#ill see a video with absolutely all the context needed and there will still be people in the comments who are like OMG I need a story time

[erinwantstowrite]

my pet peeve this morning is how everyone on tiktok is treated as an influencer or an influencer in making for even the most simple of videos. like on a video of someone accidentally scaring their friend someone in the comments will be like "we HAVE to see the best friend now 🤣" no tf you dont? you don't HAVE to see anything. it's a funny video and now it's over. there's always this entitlement to "another video please!!!! another another!!!" and it'll be on someone's page that isn't trying to be entertaining for billions of people

[vamqiredove]

OKOK @indigoartistqueen i'll ramble and elaborate err i'm keepin it here cause this rlly isn't smthing i want on slaingelo especially bc i get a bit mad in this oops

CAMERAS LIKE THAT ARE USELESS. ALSO THEY MAKE SHIT WORSE IF YOU ARE PARANOID. having them inside your house is unnecessary unless you're convinced someone's living in your house without you knowing. otherwise it does nothing but take up electricity or batteries and money ect ect whatever. If you unnecessarily install cameras you're going to be checking them constantly. and also within the context of just "waah my big strong man is out for a week i'm so scareed i'm going to put cameras inside my house" WHAT IS THAT GOING TO DOOOOOOOOOOO SOMEONE HAS TO /ALREADY BE BROKEN IN TO YOUR HOUSE/ FOR THAT TO BE "USEFUL" AT ALL AND BY THAT POINT IT'S NOT SECURITY WHATTTTTT

like other people said in that post, security like that makes it impossible to get out of your house fast/give first responders a hard time getting in. I have a bar in my window. it's removable from the inside very easily and all it serves to do is keep the window from opening more than a few inches. this mf would install damn prison bars if her husband had to go away for a month.

IF YOU'RE THAT PARANOID ABOUT LOCKS GET A FUCKING DEADBOLT AND/OR CHAINLOCK OH MY GOD. first responders are more likely to know how to get around those than "mobile locks" what the fuck is a mobile lock. OH WAIT !! SHE ALREADY HAS A DEADBOLT AND SHE'S DOUBLING UP WITH THE MOBILE LOCK. HUH ???????????????????????????????????

YOU WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW YOU ARE HOME.... when I'm home alone I actively try to make it look like someone's always awake. do I go over the top locking every door and window in the house and leave the curtains facing the backyard closed and did I once move furniture to block my bedroom door in order to sleep ? yeah sure but I'M MENTALLY ILL. WHAT I'M SCARED OF ISN'T EVEN PEOPLE BREAKING INTO MY HOUSE FFS IT'S MONSTERS THAT AREN'T REAL BUT MY DELUSIONAL BRAIN CONVINCES ME IT IS REAL TO THE POINT OF INSOMNIA IN PARTICULARLY BAD EPISODES. I AM NOT THE AVERAGE WHITE AMERICAN WOMAN FOR I AM NOT EVEN ANY OF THOSE THINGS

literally the only way I can see someone going this far for security in a way that ISN'T just "this is an ad" and/or "i am trying to brew fascism" is if someone fell into the delusion of being gangstalked, and in which case, they probably aren't posting their entire security system online because they'd be convinced their stalkers are watching their every move online and offline lol... it sure as hell wouldn't be framed like this either. also if it was the case she'd still be scared while her husband was home. it wouldn't magically appear when he's done, it would be constant.

doing shit like this isn't normal nor healthy, it's either a sign of going severe into the alt right pipeline and/or severe mental health issues that are going unchecked bc those are absolutely not mutually exclusive.

even the "keeping a flashlight nearby" thing is stupid in the sense that I DO THAT. BECAUSE WE FREQUENTLY GET POWER OUTAGES HERE ???????????????? what's it going to do if there is an intruder are you going to shine it in their fuckin face. what, can't see them thru your aesthetic lighting ?? what's the fuckin whistle going to do ... you've isolated yourself your home alone it's a WHISTLE. at the veyr least get a fucking weapon, HUH ?????????????

honestly I don't even know how coherent any of this is, it pisses me off a lot. I've done a lot of shit to try and feel "safe" and frankly it feels insulting especially given my minor agoraphobia too [ can't leave the house alone, i always need a friend or family w/ me ] especially the weird way this shit is made aesthetic. AGAIN. LIKE THE FUCKIN PURPLE LIGHTING IN THE VIDEO. AND ALSO THE SLEEK TECH.

the aesthetic-ification of that video is probably what REALLY gets me mad about it though.. like it really just makes it feel like an ad playing both on white peoples fears and mentally ill people.

blah blah my experiences aren't universal and my delusional paranoia isn't "that bad" compared to other ppls. whatever. i don't like it either way

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

Hey I thought I could ask for some advice on this as I do not know what would be a healthy boundary in regards to this. I've lately been struggling with a relapse first because of depression then because of illness. It's been hard as only one friend really knows or cares about it. I greatly appreciate her for this. But I have been running into an issue with an unaware friendgroup. We have this discord server and it normally is fine. Nothing too heavy and mostly just art and video games. We do have a vent channel and this person is slowly starting to post more about their weight and calorie counting and bmi. I am highly competitive which is an issue I need to resolve myself. On the other hand I feel that this is a safe place and I'm allowed to be able to say I'd really appreciate no weight loss discussion there as I've also felt that I should not brinf my issues up there. Would it be an okay thing to do to maybe ask this person to not discuss weight loss?

I always struggle to see the line between my competitiveness and my actual triggers. I'm currently unable to go home much because my brother has developed an exercise addiction and my family says my concerns are out of line. They also have said his behaviour is normal and past situations have made me feel that discussing things that trigger me can lead to people getting aggressive and annoyed. This is why i feel really scared to adress this in my friendgroup.

I'm so sorry for the long ask. I really appreciate your posts, they help me remind myself that I should keep going despite all the hardships I'm facing <3

Wow, that can be really difficult to navigate! I would say you are ABSOLUTELY allowed to confide your issues to your friends, and that if they are good friends they will understand and respect your need for healing. Do be prepared to encounter an issue that many of us in ED recovery encounter, where we have to make hard choices when some of our friends are not so good at being supportive.

I think, depending on what you feel comfortable sharing with people in the vent channel, you would be well within your rights to share maybe just a small amount of your backstory to give context as to why this is triggering for you - stuff like "I have had to work hard to recover from an eating disorder, and I still have some triggers." However, if you don't feel comfortable sharing that, you could simply go with the lines "It is not good for my mental health to be part of conversations about weight, BMI, or dieting. I hope you understand and understand that although I do care, these things are not good for my health."

Do understand that while you are well within your rights to at least put this out there, your friend may say no. You're allowed to voice your issues, but your friend has been using this as a space to vent their own issues. Hopefully the conversation is at least had respectfully and everyone is able to stick to a solution that works for everybody. If not, you can respectfully tell the group something like, "I understand. For my safety and mental health my only option is to stay out of this chat for an indeterminate period of time." These are hard choices to make and can hurt, but setting this boundary may free you up to find people who do support your mental health needs.

As for your family, it's harder for me to give you advice simply because I don't know the degree to which your brother is exercising. I think that gym bros can absolutely take it to an unhealthy extreme and get absorbed in damaging fad diets and stuff like that, but since I don't know what your brother is doing, I cannot verify that that's the case. Whether or not his exercise is unhealthy, I can offer you this recovery advice: you can only control your own recovery journey in the end. You do someone else's recovery, especially if they are not looking to change anything. So perhaps you could ask your brother and family members not to discuss his gym stuff/diets with you? Frame it as a way to protect yourself, because it is causing you so much concern and stress.

If you find yourself getting triggered to the point of being aggressive, it is always okay to ask for a break in the conversation. Taking a step back can help you regulate and find a coping strategy to get into a calmer frame of mind, where it will be easier to think of a next move. "Can I get back to you in a bit? I need to think about that a little more," is an okay thing to say.

No need to apologize for the long ask, I hope you are able to heal and make these things a part of your learning/growth journey!

[eelfuneral]

This “Disney Adult” Thing is Getting Out of Hand

Recently, I saw a thread on Twitter with stills of a TikTok video depicting a woman crying and hugging a Goofy mascot at Disney World. It was captioned “we need to do something about Disney adults” and the replies were a minefield of people wondering what was psychologically “wrong” with this woman, making jokes about her wanting to have sex with Goofy, and on one memorable occasion, discussing sending Disney adults to a Mickey Mouse themed gulag. In between these vitriolic replies were screenshots of a video caption that OP had conveniently cropped out, which provided some much needed context. Apparently, her late father’s favorite character was Goofy, and she was emotional because hugging the Goofy mascot was like hugging a part of her dad. Yes, all of this vitriol was aimed at a woman healing from the loss of a parent. I wish I were joking.

“Disney adult” used to be a term that described a specific breed of over-entitled, grown Disney fan. A Disney adult would be the sort of person who would insist on going to the parks during the height of the COVID-19 pandemic or shove children out of the way in order to get that Instagram-worthy photo op in front of Cinderella’s castle a bit sooner. The term was once a way to describe a particular brand of selfishness, but it has warped into a way to mock people for having an “age inappropriate” or “intense” interest in Disney in general. Now, an adult singing songs from The Lion King in a car with friends, watching Encanto multiple times, or visiting Disney World without children is in danger of having the “Disney Adult” label, and the nastiness and snide remarks that come with it, thrust upon them.

One defense of this mockery that I have seen stems from Disney’s many misdeeds as a corporation. People bring up the fact that Disney’s corporate leadership is ethically bankrupt, and from there they reason that making fun of people with what they perceive as a slavish devotion to the corporation is a way of fighting consumerism or helping Disney’s ill-treated park employees. But what about other unethical corporations and evil conglomerates? Mars had a recent, high-profile scandal wherein it was made public that the candy company sourced its chocolate from suppliers that used child slave labor, and Coca-Cola is infamous for apparently funding a death squad to kill union leaders in Columbia. In spite of these horrifying violations of human rights by these mega corporations, I still have yet to see a substantial amount of vitriol lobbed at Coca-Cola drinkers or M&M eaters. On top of that, people who engage with Disney on a more “adult” level by watching sports on ESPN (which is part of the many-headed entertainment hydra that is The Mouse) are not perceived with the same level of scrutiny as adults watching the cartoons or visiting the parks. We live in a world where, in many cases, corporations have more rights than individual people and are able to get away with downright evil practices, and as a result, we all have to wrestle with the ethical implications of our consumption, and it is nigh impossible to never engage with a brand that is run by crooked, corrupt individuals. Most people have come to terms with the fact that ethical consumption isn’t a thing that one can easily do, but they are willing to afford more grace and understanding to people who consume problematic products in a manner that doesn’t violate established social norms. A person eating chocolate or watching football isn’t doing anything taboo, but an adult enjoying something aimed at children often is. This observation brings me to a concerning conclusion: many of the people crowing about Disney adults being the absolute worst people aren’t concerned about corporate greed, rampant consumerism, or workers’ rights at all, they just want a convenient excuse to feel above others and to have a taste of the power and social clout that a high school bully might enjoy.

The treatment of the girl in the Goofy mascot video brought back a torrent of memories of my time in high school, a time in which I was subject to intense bullying that still stays with me fifteen years later. I was in no way a normal kid, and a paid for this fact dearly in social situations. I was the over-emotional autistic kid obsessed with Yu-Gi-Oh, an anime series ostensibly aimed at elementary school boys, and I wore a home made Crayola Model Magic Millennium Necklace modeled after the one in the show a’ la Chris Chan. I was seen as immature, as clumsy in everyday conversation, and as an acceptable target for cruelty. I endured all sorts of insults and ridicule for my special interests, Yu-Gi-Oh and beyond, for the mere crime of loving them with the passionate intensity with which only an autistic child could. My difficulty socializing and dealing with my too big, too painful emotions gave my classmates more of an incentive to go after me, and it got to the point where my entire science class would spend the period mocking me (often to the point of tears) while the teacher would sit there, watch them, and do absolutely nothing. Perhaps he thought that the bullying would somehow turn me neurotypical or make me less weird, but that never happened. Instead, I learned to make myself small and avoid showing too much childish happiness in a world which sees cynicism and being oh so above it all as virtues. I still tense up when I hear people laughing near me and still apologize for talking about what I love for longer than a minute. I wasn’t normal, and I probably annoyed a lot of people, but I don’t believe that warranted making my school life hell on earth. I was psychologically tortured by my peers for being weird and all I got was this crappy social anxiety diagnosis.

The mocking of the perceived weirdness of the girl in the Goofy TikTok mirrors my experience with bullying in a lot of ways, and my heart aches for her. No human being should have to walk a daily gauntlet of cruelty for doing something that harms no one, much less in the never-ending panopticon that is social media. I don’t think that she is autistic, but needless cruelty for harmless eccentricity is always wrong, even if the target is 100% neurotypical. That said, many of the, shall we say, eccentricities that people bring up when making fun of Disney adults just so happen to look an awful lot like autistic traits. There are plenty of autistic people who have a passionate interest in something and who get excited about it in a “socially unacceptable” manner in public. Many autistic people, adults included, also have an interest in “childish” things. When we give people a green light to mock people, autistic or not, who do these things, then we are creating an precedent for ableist bullying of autistic people, regardless of the original intent.

Seeing this moral panic surrounding Disney adults makes me feel borderline unsafe as an autistic person. What harmless-yet-eccentric passions will people ridicule others for having next? If some asshole with a smartphone captures a video of me getting excited about a special interest in public and posts it to TikTok to mock me, will it go viral? Can mocking an autistic person be deemed as attacking an acceptable target or even as a form of praxis if the bully uses the correct combination of social justice or anti consumerist buzzwords?

Bullying a random woman on TikTok out of going to Disney World is not even going to put a noticeable dent in the conglomerate’s multibillion dollar earnings, but it will make a very real person feel like garbage and open the door for so much more bullying and nastiness going forward. So what do we do about Disney? Well, for starters, donating to the GoFundMe of a cast member struggling to make ends meet will have an immediate, material effect on the life of someone being mistreated by Disney. For a bigger impact on more people, you can put pressure on politicians to create legislation that protects workers and consumers while holding The Mouse and other corporate entities like it responsible for their actions. No bullying of grieving daughters, autistic people, or random eccentrics is required.

[sylvanas-girlkisser]

I'm not into LoL but I've been watching Arcane and found your posts. Could you please explain why the cymbal monkey imagery from the “Get Jinxed” video is offensive? I'm interested to know how they managed to change that into something positive but don't have the necessary context... Thank you!

There's a reason I chose the phrasing "borderline" offensive; because I don't think its like a cut and dry: "oh wow that was super ableist" situation, but I can also understand why some people would react negatively to it.

Basically, in the Get Jinxed video, while Jinx is blowing up Piltover and fighting robots and whatever, the video keeps cutting to this image of a cymbal monkey toy with an evil face drawn on it. You used to see these things a lot in cartoons and such to imply a lack of intelligence, e.g. in the simpsons they would sometimes do a look inside homer's brain to show him being too busy imagining one of these things and giggling to pay attention to his surroundings.

The notion was essentially that it's a very simple toy, it just looks funny and makes noises, and therefore would appeal to the "simple minded" (yikes).

Circling back to Jinx, the implication with the monkey, taken in context with her very flat characterization at the time; is then that wanton destruction is her version of a cymbal monkey. She's not capable of recognizing the damage and trauma she is inflicting other, she's an overgrown child entertained by loud noises and funny sights. (Again big yikes.)

Original Jinx was very clearly designed to appeal to a very specific type of men, the kind who didn't understand who the villain in Lolita was. Original Jinx acted and looked simultaneously childlike and overly sexualized; with a teeny tiny bra drawing attention to her lack of boobs (not small boobs like in Arcane, absolutely flat as a board). She also had a clear, and often emphasized need for paternal affection, and suffered from unspecified mental illnesses that would make it hard for her to function in everyday society without a caretaker.

Basically, she was all but encouraging the presumed straight male player to groom her.

It's also very clear to me that with Arcane, Riot and Fortiche were very mindful of wanting to change that previous image of her. Hence why they changed her design to give her boobs (showing that she had gone through puberty), but also put her in a crop top that actively de-emphasizes them. And why they made her grow up with Silco, who despite his faults as a father, clearly loved Jinx deeply, in an entirely platonic way. (And would probably have Sevika carve your face off for even implying otherwise.)

The cymbal monkey gets a similar, but more explicit treatment for Arcane. Whereas before in League it was just kinda meant to signify "look at her she's craaaazy, here's a creepy noisy monkey toy". In Arcane, the cymbal monkey was the first device Jinx got working, but it's also the moment to Jinx where Powder died, and she became Jinx. It recalls both the trauma of losing her family, and her empowerment through becoming Silco's hitman.

Meaning that retroactively, it changes the meaning of a lot of things in "Get Jinxed". The cymbal monkey doesn't imply some vague "insanity" it references her inner struggle between the innocent girl she was, and the monster the world made her.

And the line "Let's burn this city to ashes, and see what papa thinks." No longer means "She has daddy issues and like blowing things up", it means she's thinking about Silco, and wondering if she's making him proud.

EDIT: I have been informed the line is actually “let’s see what pow-pow thinks” (i.e. her minigun). Still I maintain that the double entendre was deliberate, it’s literally the only time in the song she references anything League related, and the singer (possibly Agnete Kjølsrud?) barely pronounces the W.

[potteresque-ire]

hello, ily metas! thank you for taking the time for them. i hope you dont mind an ask with two follow up questions to your metas i'm curious about: 1) has mxtx rly been sentenced? i have seen others also share this news but other fans have quickly dismissed and gotten pissed at these reports for being fake news that are bad for mxtx, and as fearmongering. 2) for those who want to support yizhan but not the ccp, do you have advice how to navigate fan support and interaction with their media?

Hello! I apologise for the late reply!  You’ve brought up some interesting points, so please forgive me for responding with an essay.

First, about MXTX — This is a follow-up to this post.

Unfortunately, this is all we got—all everyone has got about MXTX’s current situation: on 2020/11/10, she was sentenced in Hangzhou Shang Cheng District’s People’s Court (杭州市上城區人民法院). No details were given on her verdict, due to “人民法院認為不宜在互聯網公布的其它情形”  (“The People’s Court decided it inappropriate to announce further details on the internet”). Here’s a link with the screenshot that showed all the information released about the case that day.

There are enough copies of similar screenshots to this one online, with the differences dependent on where the publisher pulled the information from the same website: 中國裁判文書網, an online archive of verdicts run by China Supreme People’s Court. There’re few reasons, therefore, to believe the information on the screenshot was fake. The link I used was Sina’s Financial News, which I believe is trustworthy enough for China’s standard.

It is also important to note, of course, that two scenarios may still render this screenshot irrelevant. 1) The verdict, which was not mentioned in the screenshot, was “not guilty” and 2) the name listed in the case, 袁依楣, was not MXTX at all.

Few have seemed to suspect 2) to be a possibility. Her real name might have been prior knowledge among some fans, or the combination of her surname and city of residence. 1) has been the where the concern / debate is.

I included China’s rate of conviction in the original post for this reason: acquittal is exceedingly rare (<0.1%) for the arrested in China. This short article discussed some reasons.

So, is it possible that MXTX is now a free woman? Yes. Is it likely? Not at all.

Still, since the probability that MXTX is imprisoned isn’t 100%, is spreading this news smearing her name? Fear-mongering?

I can only answer for myself, Anon, but my answer is no for both questions, which is why I’ve felt comfortable posting about her case. MXTX’s alleged “crimes” are things we already knew she did, or common practices among Chinese IP writers. We know she penned MDZS and other BL works; we know MDZS, in particular, has an 18+ element. She was said to have sold merch based on her works, but that wasn’t unusual at all for writers in Jinjiang, where she published her writing. Even those who don’t like her have seemed to agree that it was her writing that got her into trouble, not some other crimes she could’ve committed.

IMO, a guilty verdict doesn’t tell us as much about her as it does about the judicial system, the business practices of her country. It’s worth re-mentioning that media giants such as Tencent are closely tied to the government; Tencent’s WeChat, for example, is part of China’s Great Firewall and is used for surveillance, for censorship and removal of political dissidents. What MXTX’s case hints at is this: the government has (very likely) convicted her, while its close allies are continuing to use her works—works that got her into legal trouble in the first place—to make money. Some fans of MXTX have questioned if the courts have censored the details of the case to save the embarrassment of the rich and powerful, calling what has happened to MXTX 人血饅頭 (“human blood steamed buns”), an idiom used to describe the act of profiting out of someone elses’ life.

As for fear-mongering, here are my thoughts ~ it would’ve been fear-mongering if the public has access to the facts, and not years after they happen. Specifically, it would’ve been fear-mongering to leak the rumours of MXTX’s sentencing, when the judicial system is transparent and the case details will soon be published for all to see. Why? Because “fear” comes from the unknown, and “-monger” is the unnecessary promotion, stirring-up of this fear.

To promote, stir up anything, one needs a reference level. The reference level in this scenario is this: what is the level of fear if the facts about MXTX’s (and other BL writers’) situation are known? Of course, this knowledge doesn’t make MXTX’s experience any easier or more just; it doesn’t cause her less fear. However, she isn’t the target audience of this likely-to-be-true rumour. The target audience is the public and in particular, those who consume and/or generate BL material online.

What is the level of fear among this population if the facts about MXTX’s (and other BL writers’) situation are known? It’s the (relative) comfort in knowing the government’s stance on what they do: how the administration feels about BL, 18+ BL, and their distribution methods. The comfort comes from having the right information to decide how to act accordingly. For example, if I’m a BL writer based in China and I know the court has found MXTX guilty of bypassing publishing houses but not of writing M/M romance, then I’ll know to not produce paper versions of my writing, but I can keep writing.

This reference level of fear is unavailable here, however, since the government has decided to withhold all details about the case. Without this reference level, fear-mongering becomes a ... difficult to define concept.

Are these likely-to-be-true rumours agents of fear, or are they hints on how to survive in a country that lacks transparency?

Continuing with the example of I being a Chinese BL writer, since I cannot expect to hear more facts about MXTX, this rumour is all I’ve got in choosing what to do with my hobby, in deciding whether it is safe to continue. As I’m aware that a rumour isn’t a fact, I first research on the rumour’s likelihood of truth (similar to what I’ve done for MXTX’s case), and cross my fingers that I don’t get it wrong.

By doing so, I’m turning these rumours into my survival guide.

Is it risky? Yes. Is it exhausting? Absolutely. But this is the way of life for people who live under secretive, authoritarian governments—the authoritarian element making it impossible to demand more facts. It may take people outside such regimes some time to get used to—to the lifestyle, and to the idea that, in a place where news is often synonymous with propaganda, rumours are breadcrumbs of truth that should be sieved through with equal care as one would sieve through the news. Heeding, considering the probable truth of what the authority has deemed to be fear-mongering rumours can be a matter of literal life and death. 

Take...COVID. (I apologize for bringing up this unpleasant topic!)

I shall link to an article about the early spread of COVID in Wuhan here and ask: were Dr. Li Wenliang and the seven other doctors fear-mongering? Wuhanese chose to believe in the government, but at what cost to them? What would the world be like today if they took the early COVID rumours as true and masked up like Hong Kongers—Hong Kongers who weren’t any smarter or better, but had simply learned their painful lessons from the 2003 SARS epidemic? 

(Why hadn’t the Wuhanese learned? Because the government has long changed the narrative of SARS, taught their people that the illness originated in Hong Kong.) 

(How can one learn from past mistakes if one pretends those mistakes never existed?)

You must be wondering, Anon, why I’m talking about COVID when your next question is about YiZhan. The death of Dr Li Wenliang on February 7th, 2020, sparked a demand for freedom of speech rarely seen in internet-age China. Its fury, its ferocity forced the government to change its stance on Dr Li, again an unusual move. Since January 2020, Weibo had been censoring COVID news and opinion pieces that shedded a negative light to the central government; after the death of Dr Li, the censorship apparatus stepped up, making way for the propaganda machine to kick in later and change the narrative of the pandemic.

Here are some questions without definite answers, but may be food for thought for YiZhan fans:

1) While the Chinese government’s censorship apparatus (including Weibo) might have silenced the voices of dissent, of mourning on the surface, was it more likely to pacify, or fuel the anger of netizens, many of whom had lost loved ones, many of whom were still under quarantine?

2) Less than three weeks after the death of Dr Li, a group of fans demanded even *more* censorship from the government—the closing of an internet website that had been seen as a relatively free space to express oneself. How would these netizens react, even though they knew little about these fans or their idol?  

(It was, in the context of the massive silencing of COVID discussions in China, that I learned about the ban of AO3. There had been rumours that the government would censor more websites on 2020/03/01. When I read about AO3′s ban on 2/27, my thoughts were 1) Hmm. This came two days early. 2) AO3? Really?)

(I wouldn’t watch The Untamed or know who Gg was until several months later.)

Now, Anon, this is a good time to get to your CCP (Chinese Communist Party) question.

The very short answer is no. There’s no way to support YiZhan without, to a certain level, supporting the CCP. As mentioned above, the media companies are all part of China’s surveillance system. Weibo is where freedom of speech is curbed. Our two boys have been part of the propaganda machine; the BBC article linked above had a tiny picture of Gg on it, as he was a performer in the Hero in Harm’s Way (最美逆行者), a “real-life based” drama on COVID. DD just did a show glorying the Chinese police force (and here’s a video of the same force welding doors to lock in COVID-stricken residents).

Nonetheless, here’s my first advice: please do not beat yourself up for supporting YiZhan!

Gg and Dd are people who live within the system, inside the Great Firewall. They understand the world the way their government has taught them to—not only in school, but also in the news and media. Like most youths in every country, they’re patriotic—and to expect them to be otherwise, especially because of information they don’t have, is both unrealistic and unfair. Even if they do know about certain things impermissible within the Firewall, in China (as in many Communists countries), openly expressing / performing one’s proper political leanings (ie. loyalty towards CCP) is among the most important pre-requisites for any job. This has been especially true for c-ent in recent years .

They, like most of their countrymen, are doing what they have to do.

In this case, it comes to us, our decisions on how to interact with their works. How should we deal with them, their propaganda elements?

The answer, of course, varies from person to person. Personally, I’ve chosen the approaches of “immunisation” and “restriction”. By “immunisation”, I mean learning about as much historical and sociopolitical facts from non-CCP sponsored sources; this is understandably difficult for someone who doesn’t already have some familiarity with the culture and politics of the region, and/or cannot read the language. 

Restriction means limiting my consumption of media produced by China. I avoid shows (dramas, documentaries, variety etc) featuring topics that are likely to contain heavy propaganda, such as the military, the police, Hong Kong/Macao/Taiwan, and of course, anything pertaining to the CCP, from its rise to its governance of the country.

In general, I’m wary of all information presented about the post-monarchy years (post 1911), even though CCP wouldn’t begin its reign until after WWII (1949). Why so early? 1) Because CCP was formed in 1921 and so its glorification requires a change of narrative since then; 2) because the Nationalist Party (Kuomintang, KMT), which governed China between 1912 and 1949 (the so-called Republican Era 民國), would end up exiling to and setting up a new government in Taiwan.

How much propaganda should one expect in shows depicting the country post-1911? The current TV and webdrama directives (previously discussed in this post) offer some hints. Here are my translations of the relevant items:

D7) Dramas about the Republican era: Glorification of the Republican Era, the Beiyang Government, and Warlord Era requires strict control.

D10) Crime drama: crime drama is the focus of content auditing. The Ministry of Public Security (Pie note: in charge of law enforcement, ie, police) will be involved in the audit. The process of crime solving cannot be exposed; criminal psychology and motivations can however be depicted in detail. Undercover police cannot use drugs or kill, or damage the image of the police force. Criminals must be punished by law.

D12) Dramas featuring realistic topics: realistic topics must adhere to the correct world view, philosophy of life and moral values. They cannot place too strong an emphasis on social conflicts, must showcase the beautiful lives of the commoners. Regular folks should display larger-than-life sentiments and aspirations; they can pursue wealth, but must use proper means to do so; they cannot damage the public image of specific employment types, groups and social organisations. Do not preach negative or decadent world view, philosophy of life and moral values. Do not exaggerate, amplify social issues; do not over showcase, display the darker sides of society; do not preach affluence, avoid things that have no basis in real life.

D16) Dramas featuring the Revolution (Pie note: CCP’s coming to power): 2019 is the publicity period of the 70th Anniversary of the People’s Republic of China. Although the “Three Importances” (important revolution, important people, important events) are still encouraged, the  National Radio and Television Administration requires all departments, at all levels, to strengthen the control of content and the overall management of the industry, and focus on the auditing of content pertaining to the Sino-Japanese war and espionage dramas.

These directives (as those translated in the other post) are as vague as they are restrictive, and to err on the side of caution, production companies tend to “overachieve” to avoid going against headwinds at the censorship board. This means their products have a tendency to malign the Republican Era (D7). It means they will likely twist history in trying to depict the CCP as faultless heroes (D16). It means they'll probably present a utopian-like society and call it reality-based (D12), a society in which the good guys share the same values as the CCP and always win (D10).

Yes, my “restriction” means I skipped Hero in Harm’s Way. It means I’ve never listened to Gg’s version of 我和我的祖國 despite my absolute adoration of his voice. It means I just missed Dd’s performance in the law enforcement celebration event. It means I don’t plan on watching Being A Hero and Ace Troops.

So here’s where I’ve drawn the line, Anon, but it doesn’t mean that’s what anyone should do. Only you alone can decide where your own comfort zone is. I write these metas in the hopes that it can offer a … gateway for those who’d like to understand, with a more telescopic lens, Gg and Dd’s country—a country that holds a particularly strong hold over its citizens’ fate including, yes, their romantic fate. It’s not my wish to impose my opinions on anyone.

If I have other hopes… It’s this. Please, as long as it’s safe for you to talk, do not self-censor—especially about facts, especially on sites like Tumblr or Twitter that have long been banned by the Chinese government. I don’t mean one should go about and confront those who insist on a different version of reality. To undo opinions rooted in years of education, IMO, the process has to be voluntary, and the information is already at the fingertips of those who’re surfing these sites and wish to learn more. More importantly, open discussions of these topics may be risky for those who still have close ties to China, and keeping them safe should always be the top priority. 

What I mean is simply this ~ please do not feel obliged to agree with every perspective presented in YiZhan’s work just because you support the leads. Please do not feel you must remain silent about the CCP—its good, bad and ugly—just because your favourite stars happen to come from the country it’s ruling. And please remember: “Chinese”, as a term, has always included people who live outside CCP’s control, many of whom still fully embrace the culture, traditions and values of Historical China, a 5000-years long string of dynasties with shifting borders, ethnic makeup and customs. The Untamed is a mainland Chinese production, yes, but its genre, its manner of presenting certain traditions, wouldn’t have been developed, or flourished, without the diaspora. The CCP has only been the ruling party of one country, the People’s Republic of China, for 71 years, and as a party with foreign (soviet) roots and a record of destroying the pillar of the country’s tradition, Confucianism, it doesn’t own a monopolistic say on how every Chinese should think and act—no matter how much it insists it does—or how everyone should think and speak about China and its people.

It isn’t qualified.

[whitehotharlots]

The point is control

Whenever we think or talk about censorship, we usually conceptualize it as certain types of speech being somehow disallowed: maybe (rarely) it's made formally illegal by the government, maybe it's banned in certain venues, maybe the FCC will fine you if you broadcast it, maybe your boss will fire you if she learns of it, maybe your friends will stop talking to you if they see what you've written, etc. etc. 

This understanding engenders a lot of mostly worthless discussion precisely because it's so broad. Pedants--usually arguing in favor of banning a certain work or idea--will often argue that speech protections only apply to direct, government bans. These bans, when they exist, are fairly narrow and apply only to those rare speech acts in which other people are put in danger by speech (yelling the N-word in a crowded theater, for example). This pedantry isn't correct even within its own terms, however, because plenty of people get in trouble for making threats. The FBI has an entire entrapment program dedicated to getting mentally ill muslims and rednecks to post stuff like "Death 2 the Super bowl!!" on twitter, arresting them, and the doing a press conference about how they heroically saved the world from terrorism. 

Another, more recent pedant's trend is claiming that, actually, you do have freedom of speech; you just don't have freedom from the consequences of speech. This logic is eerily dictatorial and ignores the entire purpose of speech protections. Like, even in the history's most repressive regimes, people still technically had freedom of speech but not from consequences. Those leftist kids who the nazis beheaded for speaking out against the war were, by this logic, merely being held accountable. 

The two conceptualizations of censorship I described above are, 99% of the time, deployed by people who are arguing in favor of a certain act of censorship but trying to exempt themselves from the moral implications of doing so. Censorship is rad when they get to do it, but they realize such a solipsism seems kinda icky so they need to explain how, actually, they're not censoring anybody, what they're doing is an act of righteous silencing that's a totally different matter. Maybe they associate censorship with groups they don't like, such as nazis or religious zealots. Maybe they have a vague dedication toward Enlightenment principles and don't want to be regarded as incurious dullards. Most typically, they're just afraid of the axe slicing both ways, and they want to make sure that the precedent they're establishing for others will not be applied to themselves.

Anyone who engages with this honestly for more than a few minutes will realize that censorship is much more complicated, especially in regards to its informal and social dimensions. We can all agree that society simply would not function if everyone said whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted. You might think your boss is a moron or your wife's dress doesn't look flattering, but you realize that such tidbits are probably best kept to yourself. 

Again, this is a two-way proposition that everyone is seeking to balance. Do you really want people to verbalize every time they dislike or disagree with you? I sure as hell don't. And so, as part of a social compact, we learn to self-censor. Sometimes this is to the detriment of ourselves and our communities. Most often, however, it's just a price we have to pay in order to keep things from collapsing. 

But as systems, large and small, grow increasingly more insane and untenable, so do the comportment standards of speech. The disconnect between America's reality and the image Americans have of themselves has never been more plainly obvious, and so striving for situational equanimity is no longer good enough. We can't just pretend cops aren't racist and the economy isn't run by venal retards or that the government places any value on the life of its citizens. There's too much evidence that contradicts all that, and the evidence is too omnipresent. There's too many damn internet videos, and only so many of them can be cast as Russian disinformation. So, sadly, we must abandon our old ways of communicating and embrace instead systems that are even more unstable, repressive, and insane than the ones that were previously in place.

Until very, very recently, nuance and big-picture, balanced thinking were considered signs of seriousness, if not intelligence. Such considerations were always exploited by shitheads to obfuscate things that otherwise would have seemed much less ambiguous, yes, but this fact alone does not mitigate the potential value of such an approach to understanding the world--especially since the stuff that's been offered up to replace it is, by every worthwhile metric, even worse.

So let's not pretend I'm Malcolm Gladwell or some similarly slimy asshole seeking to "both sides" a clearcut moral issue. Let's pretend I am me. Flash back to about a year ago, when there was real, widespread, and sustained support for police reform. Remember that? Seems like forever ago, man, but it was just last year... anyhow, now, remember what happened? Direct, issues-focused attempts to reform policing were knocked down. Blotted out. Instead, we were told two things: 1) we had to repeat the slogan ABOLISH THE POLICE, and 2) we had to say it was actually very good and beautiful and nonviolent and valid when rioters burned down poor neighborhoods.

Now, in a relatively healthy discourse, it might have been possible for someone to say something like "while I agree that American policing is heavily violent and racist and requires substantial reforms, I worry that taking such an absolutist point of demanding abolition and cheering on the destruction of city blocks will be a political non-starter." This statement would have been, in retrospect, 100000000% correct. But could you have said it, in any worthwhile manner? If you had said something along those lines, what would the fallout had been? Would you have lost friends? Your job? Would you have suffered something more minor, like getting yelled at, told your opinion did not matter? Would your acquaintances still now--a year later, after their political project has failed beyond all dispute--would they still defame you in "whisper networks," never quite articulating your verbal sins but nonetheless informing others that you are a dangerous and bad person because one time you tried to tell them how utterly fucking self-destructive they were being? It is undeniably clear that last year's most-elevated voices were demanding not reform but catharsis. I hope they really had fun watching those immigrant-owned bodegas burn down, because that’s it, that will forever be remembered as the most palpable and consequential aspect of their shitty, selfish movement. We ain't reforming shit. Instead, we gave everyone who's already in power a blank check to fortify that power to a degree you and I cannot fully fathom.

But, oh, these people knew what they were doing. They were good little boys and girls. They have been rewarded with near-total control of the national discourse, and they are all either too guilt-ridden or too stupid to realize how badly they played into the hands of the structures they were supposedly trying to upend.

And so left-liberalism is now controlled by people whose worldview is equal parts superficial and incoherent. This was the only possible outcome that would have let the system continue to sustain itself in light of such immense evidence of its unsustainability without resulting in reform, so that's what has happened.

But... okay, let's take a step back. Let's focus on what I wanted to talk about when I started this.

I came across a post today from a young man who claimed that his high school English department head had been removed from his position and had his tenure revoked for refusing to remove three books from classrooms. This was, of course, fallout from the ongoing debate about Critical Race Theory. Two of those books were Marjane Satropi's Persepolis and, oh boy, The Diary of Anne Frank. Fuck. Jesus christ, fuck.

Now, here's the thing... When Persepolis was named, I assumed the bannors were anti-CRT. The graphic novel does not deal with racism all that much, at least not as its discussed contemporarily, but it centers an Iranian girl protagonist and maybe that upset Republican types. But Anne Frank? I'm sorry, but the most likely censors there are liberal identiarians who believe that teaching her diary amounts to centering the suffering of a white woman instead of talking about the One Real Racism, which must always be understood in an American context. The super woke cult group Black Hammer made waves recently with their #FuckAnneFrank campaign... you'd be hard pressed to find anyone associated with the GOP taking a firm stance against the diary since, oh, about 1975 or so.

So which side was it? That doesn't matter. What matters is, I cannot find out.

Now, pro-CRT people always accuse anti-CRT people of not knowing what CRT is, and then after making such accusations they always define CRT in a way that absolutely is not what CRT is. Pro-CRTers default to "they don't want  students to read about slavery or racism." This is absolutely not true, and absolutely not what actual CRT concerns itself with. Slavery and racism have been mainstays of American history curriucla since before I was born. Even people who barely paid attention in school would admit this, if there were any more desire for honesty in our discourse. 

My high school history teacher was a southern "lost causer" who took the south's side in the Civil War but nonetheless provided us with the most descriptive and unapologetic understandings of slavery's brutalities I had heard up until that point. He also unambiguously referred to the nuclear attacks on Hiroshmia and Nagasaki as "genocidal." Why? Because most people's politics are idiosyncratic, and because you cannot genuinely infer a person to believe one thing based on their opinion of another, tangentially related thing. The totality of human understanding used to be something open-minded people prided themselves on being aware of, believe it or not...

This is the problem with CRT. This is is the motivation behind the majority of people who wish to ban it. It’s not because they are necessarily racist themselves. It’s because they recognize, correctly, that the now-ascendant frames for understanding social issues boils everything down to a superficial patina that denies not only the realities of the systems they seek to upend but the very humanity of the people who exist within them. There is no humanity without depth and nuance and complexities and contradictions. When you argue otherwise, people will get mad and fight back. 

And this is the most bitter irony of this idiotic debate: it was never about not wanting to teach the sinful or embarrassing parts of our history. That was a different debate, one that was settled and won long ago. It is instead an immense, embarrassing overreach on behalf of people who have bullied their way to complete dominance of their spheres of influence within media and academe assuming they could do the same to everyone else. Some of its purveyors may have convinced themselves that getting students to admit complicity in privilege will prevent police shootings, sure. But I know these people. I’ve spoken to them at length. I’ve read their work. The vast, vast majority of them aren’t that stupid. The point is to exert control. The point is to make sure they stay in charge and that nothing changes. The point is failure. 

[escxpedes]

loopholes (fin.)

Remember when I said I’d post this like two days after the last part? No? Me neither... Sorry about the delay, I’ve had a severe lack of motivation. (It’s mental illness innit.) I feel like every part of this story gets longer and longer, and makes even less sense. If you haven’t read the other two parts, I recommend you do so. These technically can be read standalone, but I think it’s cuter when you read them knowing the context. Even though, again, they seem to make less sense the more I write. Lots of new information came about season 5, and it’s both nerve-racking and exciting at the same time! Three cheers for anxiety, amiright? Hope you all are doing well, I’m excited to hear the feedback on the last part of this series. Let me know if there’s anything you’d like me to write, I’m a sucker for prompts! x  

part one | part two

~

loop·hole

noun | A loophole is an ambiguity or inadequacy in a system, such as a law or security, which can be used to circumvent or otherwise avoid the purpose, implied or explicitly stated, of the system.

~

hands that wrap around my wrists, (and arms that feel like home.)

Shutting down the monitors she was using, Riley tries not to think about how her sleep deprivation affects her body. It’s one thing to work as a distraction, but the drag in her pace tells her this coping method is wearing her down.

How is she supposed to save innocent lives when she’s so exhausted.

And she is, exhausted, that is. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. Every part of her is weightless, suspended in air, and it feels like she can’t do a single thing about it.

An irritating helplessness encompasses her, tightening its grasp on her sanity.

She wants to cry out, throw something, cause a scene. Instead, she buries her feelings deep in her subconscious and tries not to focus on how tight her chest is.

It’s an occupational hazard, she tells herself. It’s nothing she can’t handle, she repeats daily. It’s almost a mantra by now, echoing inside her head and ramping up what seems to be an infinite supply of determination.

It’s the only way.

Mac waits for her outside, leaning against the building while she locks up. Her vision is still kind of fuzzy due to lack of energy, and her body doesn’t seem to be completely awake yet. She can physically feel Mac’s concerned gaze burning a hole in her cranium as if staring hard enough will give him access to all recesses of her mind.

“Ready?”

She nods, feigning a smile, and bumping his shoulder with her own, “You never mentioned why you stopped by so late.”

Ignorance is bliss, right?

“I left my phone in the labs.” She can hear the exasperation in his voice; concern rushes forward and sends a pang through her heart.

Suddenly, she’s irritated too, not with Mac, but for Mac. He does the right thing for humanity despite all that humanity has done to him. She can’t imagine how frustrated he must be with the entire situation, once again putting the world before himself.

He’s had so little time to process everything.

She knows he could use a break but also knows that he won’t admit he needs one.

For how smart he is, he can be really stupid sometimes.

When she turns her head to look at him, she can tell she’s lost him to his own thoughts. His eyebrows are furrowed, his usually clear eyes unfocused, and his mouth is set in a grim line.

If she listens closely, she can almost hear the gears turning, working out possible solutions, and thinking through every outcome.

It’s not an uncommon expression.

She stops abruptly, “Hey.”

This seems to shake him from his trance, his eyes meeting hers in a questioning manner.

“You are doing the best you can under the circumstances, but pushing yourself too hard won’t solve anything,” Her hand finds its way to his arm and squeezes reassuringly, “You can take care of the planet, but make sure to take care of yourself, too.”

The look he gives her is so full of gratitude and affection that nearly every emotion that Riley’s fought to contain bursts through its confinement and surges through her body.

“Thank you.”

Her breath catches in her throat, making it hard to breathe.

“What for?”

She really hopes the shaky breath that follows goes unnoticed.

“For always believing in me, no matter what.” His gaze is piercing, robbing the ability to form words from her throat.

She rakes her mind for something, anything, to say that will stop her from doing something she would totally, one hundred percent regret.

“It’s what Jack would do.”

It takes everything in her to break eye contact and shrug nonchalantly. Humor laces her tone, despite the sincerity of her statement. It is something Jack would do, something he taught her to believe in. Not necessarily in Mac, but what her gut is telling her.

It seems that in any given situation, before or after Jack’s departure, Mac’s intuition has always mirrored her own. Since the second he broke her out of prison, they always had the same values. Just like Jack, she learned how to read and understand Mac.

She knows how to interpret his rambling. She knows that no matter the situation, he’ll always put everyone else first. She knows that whatever crazy plan he’s come up with, it’s constructed with the best intentions.

She knows that no matter where he goes, and no matter what he does, her instinct is to trust him.

So she does.

With every ounce of her being. 

She desperately wants to share this with him, especially if it would probably make him feel better. However, she knows the second she starts talking, she won’t be able to stop. Mac’s got a way of doing that, translating her thoughts into words that tumble out of her before she can control what they might mean.

The grin Mac throws her, which conveys understanding and amusement, allows the tension between them to dissipate.

“Speaking of Jack, he would absolutely kill me if I let you drive home in your state.”

Before she can get a word in edgewise, he’s already opening the passenger side door of his truck. The tone in his voice leaves little room for debate, as if he’s ready to refute whatever argument she can muster up, so Riley doesn’t argue.

She wants to, but just the idea of operating a car sounds exhausting.

Besides, she’s missed this. She’s missed Mac, not just as someone she’s possibly in love with, but as her best friend. With everything going on, she’s hardly been able to see him.

The absence of him in her life hurts just as much as having him in it.

She literally can’t win.

The silence that follows is comfortable, the rumbling engine serving as white noise to Riley as she dozes off against the window.

She tries to, anyway. Driving with Mac is always an adventure, which is useful when trying to avoid being killed by a terrorist organization. Maneuvering Los Angeles traffic? Way, way less so.

“Maybe driving myself home wouldn’t have been such a bad idea.” She mumbles, fighting the urge to grab the handle above the door.

“Hey! I always get us home in one piece.”

“Physically maybe,” an amused smile finds its way to Riley’s face, “But mentally? I should sue you for psychological trauma.”

The look of disbelief that follows is enough to get her through several lifetimes, or it could be the smile he struggles to hide under his offended facade.

“Ouch,” Mac puts his left hand over his heart, “That hurts right here, Riles.”

The nickname throws her off, causing her stomach to flip. It’s just a silly name, it shouldn’t affect her like this, but her heart still clenches uncomfortably.

She attempts to brush it off, trying for a humoring grin that feels more like a grimace.

Though the comfortable atmosphere doesn’t change, the playful energy is replaced by more silence. As buildings pass outside, all Riley can think about is how much she hates silence. Man, what she would do just to get rid of it for a little bit. It’s constant these days, and it always finds her no matter where she goes.

Her fingers tug at her bottom lip, a nervous habit she’s recently adopted, as she tries to think through possible solutions to the predicament she’s found herself in.

She must be pretty engrossed because it takes her a minute to realize Mac’s spoken again.

“What?” Her brain slows down enough to pick out his words, something about how much sleep she’s gotten recently, “Oh, I don’t know.”

She tries not to notice how concerned he looks when he asks, “You don’t know?”

Not really

Logically, she knows that she sleeps almost every night. How long? It’s hard to tell sometimes. If she’s lucky, she can get a couple hours in before her brain goes into hyperdrive. Other times, she’d rather be doing something productive on her rig instead of staring at her ceiling fan.

She props her elbow against the window and rests her head in her hand, “I guess it hasn’t been a priority.”

From the corner of her eye, she can see him open his mouth and close it abruptly, trying to find the right words to comfort or soothe her.

As always, Mac is trying to rectify the situation.

“You know you can talk to me about anything, right?”

She doesn’t miss the parallel and throws him the same reclusive look he had given her on multiple occasions.

“That’s my line.”

There’s an irritating tension that fills the space, like the feeling you get when you can’t get past a certain level on a video game. It’s a little stifling, urging Riley to do whatever it takes to make it disappear.

“C’mon Riley, you’ve been off ever since, you know, the whole codex situation. At first, I thought, well, it was kind of traumatizing for everyone involved, but then you moved out and,” He trails off, and she can physically see him putting all the working components together, “Is it the apartment?”

God, she wished it was just the apartment. Sure, it plays a part in all her problems right now, but she knows that it’s more of what the empty apartment represents than the apartment itself.

Still, she’s glad he came to that conclusion. It’s easier to lie to him when it doesn’t pertain to the actual issue at hand.

“The apartment’s fine,” she says after a moment of hesitation.

“It’s the AC unit, isn’t it?” His lips compress shortly before he shakes his head, “I knew I should have looked at it.”

As he starts ranting about the condenser coils in her air conditioner and how easy it is for them to get dirty, Riley can’t help but let a soft laugh fall from her lips.

“Mac, it’s not my air conditioning.”

When he opens his mouth to respond, she holds her hand up to stop him. “It’s not my heater either, or my ceiling fan, or anything that might require your unique expertise.”

“But it has something to do with the apartment.”

The statement is blanketed in excitement as if he knows he’s getting closer to uncovering the truth. He’s always been so obsessed with knowledge and learning, never quite capable of letting things go and living in ignorance.

His eyes light up with child-like curiosity; it’s highly annoying and endearing at the same time.

She feels her self control loosening.

With Mac, she feels secure, like maybe she can put herself back together again. She could confess to a crime, and he wouldn’t look at her any differently.

That helplessness kicks back in, tearing her apart from the inside.

When he slows to a stop in front of her complex, she hasn’t answered him yet.

In the back of her mind, she’s a little proud of herself for only joking about his driving once in the ten minutes it took to get there.

She stares at the lobby entrance and can feel the soft flannel of his shirt, giving him a hug before she exits his truck. She can hear the sleepiness in her voice as she leans against the door and tells him goodnight. She can see herself walk through the double doors and not turning around.

She can see it so clearly, but she remains planted in the passenger seat.

Fear tangles itself in her shoulders, in her stomach, in her heart.

Not just because she dreads the idea of spending another night counting the minutes before her alarm goes off, but because she doesn’t want to leave with their friendship in this state.

She just wants everything to go back to normal, to get back some semblance of their old friendship before she knew how she felt.

Mac waits beside her, a patient and comforting presence.

“It’s just so quiet. Up there, it’s just me and my thoughts. They never cease or quiet down; it’s a constant loop. I try listening to music or watching TV, but I can never focus on any of it. Then, I start panicking because I don’t know if it’ll ever go away. There’s no comfort, no stability. I’m just… alone.”

With every word, a little of the weight falls from her shoulders.

It almost feels like she can breathe again.

“The only time I don’t feel like that is when I’m working,” she clenches her hands in her lap, “At Phoenix, I can get to any room in the dark with my eyes closed, and I’m constantly surrounded by people I’ve known for years. It feels… safe.”

Mac’s silent, reaching over to grasp one of her hands.

“You don’t feel safe here?” He encloses her left hand between his own and squeezes, the pressure and warmth spreading through her body like wildfire.

She meets his eyes, “Not in the way that matters.”

He turns the truck off, hopping out before Riley can say anything else. He walks around the hood of the car and pulls the passenger door open, “Come on.”

“What are you doing?”

He helped her out of the truck, “You trust me, right?”

More than he’ll ever know.

“You know I do.” She eyed him suspiciously as he opened one of the complex’s doors for her, following as she entered.

“From what I can recall, Bozer got you a Nintendo Switch for your birthday earlier this year. It’s been a while since I’ve had the pleasure of destroying you in Super Smash Bros.”

His voice was quiet, trying not to disturb the people trying to sleep.

“First of all, you’ve never destroyed me in Super Smash Bros, and you never will if you keep playing with Luigi,” She grinned, watching as he shook his head in disagreement, “And second of all, it’s two in the morning.”

He shrugged, “That’s never stopped us before.”

He wasn’t wrong, but things were different now.

Riley tried not to think about Desi, wrapped up in Mac’s bed, peacefully sleeping and blissfully unaware of this entire exchange.

Not that she had anything to worry about.

It didn’t matter anyway because clearly, Riley had issues with saying “no” to Angus Macgyver.

“Fine, but prepare to get your ass beaten.”

He grinned triumphantly, “That sounds like a challenge.”

She unlocked her apartment door, stepping into the dark and quiet entryway. She faltered a little bit, her heartbeat quickening with newfound anxiety.

As always, the apartment radiated energy that always put Riley out of place.

Mac closed the door behind him, helping himself to any food he could find in her fridge. There was an intimacy to it, a closeness that made the apartment much more bearable. Her shoulders dropped a little, the anxiety easing a little as she took a deep breath.

She busied herself in the living room, connecting the switch to her TV and grabbing a variety of different pillows and blankets.

It was, after all, a tradition for these types of events.

Mac joined her after a couple of minutes with two beers, “Your fridge is worse than mine.”

“Will you get it started,” Riley ignore his comment, handing him one of the controllers, “ I’m going to change.”

When she returned in a comfy ensemble of leggings and a sweatshirt, Mac was scrolling through the character list. She hopped the back of the couch to sit next to him, watching as he hovered over Luigi for what feels like an eternity.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”

Mac’s determined expression didn’t falter, “You’re just jealous of my skills.”

Those skills proved to be no match for Riley’s, though, after she managed to beat him in the first game. It became much more entertaining when she did it again in the second. She tried not to laugh, but it became nearly impossible with his onslaught of complaints.

“You’re such a cheater, you can’t do that!” He pressed down hard on the keys as if smashing them harder will make Luigi speed up.

Jokes on him, Luigi was the slowest character in the game.

Very slowly, her exhaustion began to creep up on her. She knew she was done for when Mac actually managed to beat her. He seemed just as surprised as she was, but he suggested switching to a movie anyway.

They ended up choosing a documentary, something that Mac had been interested in watching recently. Riley didn’t care what they watched, as long as she got to lay down.

Mac placed a pillow in his lap and tapped it gently.

“So, was this your plan,” She comfortably adjusted her body, so her neck wasn’t in an awkward position propped up on the pillow.

In front of them, a monotone voice explained the phenomena surrounding the universe.

“Homo Sapiens are social creatures; we need people to survive,” Riley could feel Mac’s fingers coursing through her waves, creating a soothing pattern that calmed any remaining tension in her body. 

“You feel comfortable at Phoenix, sitting around the fire pit at my house, or spending time with the team at the arcade because we’re there. It’s okay to need us, Riles, because trust me, we need you, too.”

Mac’s words barely resonate with her, and she hummed noncommittally in response.

His fingers gently combed through the tangles at the nape of her neck, “I don’t think we build homes in material things like houses or apartments, but rather, in the people we surround ourselves with.”

Laying there, with her head on his lap and his fingers in her hair, Riley could only think one thing:

He couldn’t be more right. 

[melforbes]

seaglass blue annotations

hello! i just posted the last chapter and thought i’d put together some ~fun context~ for that fic. it got way way more attention than i ever expected and for something i feel i didn’t put that much effort into i think i did in the end put a lot of effort into it so i might as well talk about it and answer some potential questions.

my favorite book of all time is the sunlit night by rebecca dinerstein (yes, that one) and something i find really compelling about that book is how sparing the prose is, forcing the reader to fill in certain gaps, and i think having to fill in those gaps makes the book a really acquired taste with which either you love it or hate it and there’s not really an in-between

i also really adore how in that book the natural world backdrop comes to life, something i find really challenging to write. recently i even read into thin air, the book about the 1996 mount everest disaster, and even though the writing was superb, i still had to google what the hillary step was because i couldn’t picture it on my own. i don’t know how people write nature because to me it feels damn near impossible, but this sparing approach really worked, so i thought i might try it out. i tend to be longwinded (gestures vaguely at this post) and wanted to have certain parts of this be a lot smaller and more contained without negating impact. whether or not i made it work is anyone’s guess. definitely not my normal style, so to speak

based on the comments i’ve received i think this might be everyone’s favorite part. in my mind age of consent by new order was playing in the background. in pretty much every fic i have a scene like this one and all of them are based on the poem first base gold by rh*annon mcg*vin from her book branches (censored because she has a tumblr and i don’t want her seeing this haha)

i absolutely can’t do the poem justice by describing what it’s about, but the simplest, most basic interpretation of the poem is that there is no better place to kiss than right here, right now, because of the past. i really like that imagery and tend to use it a lot. she as a writer has been a big inspiration for me and if you’ve read my fic true minds i should add that the nonfiction inspiration for that was directly as a result of one of her youtube videos. i particularly love how the last paragraph (stanza? im not a poet) is one big run-on sentence that’s jovial and tongue-in-cheek and colloquial and straightforward. it feels triumphant in a quiet way to me and i love how it’s done. obviously my attempts at something similar are nowhere near as insightful, but still, the most basic image of this is that there is no better place to kiss, and that’s how i felt about the two of them finding pudding in the supermarket

this part is autobiographical; while writing this last year, i went through six months of intravenous drug treatment, a month and a half of which involved long days of doctor visits on every weekday. when you’re on stuff like that for a long time you end up with a central line for better access (potential plot hole in all of this: scully never had one) but for a month and a half i got poked almost every day and strangely enough it got harder over time. the first couple you never feel, but a week or two later you start flinching, and if the needle goes in the same vein each time, it hurts the more it gets prodded. i reached a point toward the end of the in-office visits in which i would bleed a lot every time i got poked, and i can’t watch anything like that happen to me so i was looking away each time, and when i felt that the nurse was done, i would look back over, and sometimes i would be looking down at a pool of blood that i hadn’t expected to see. it’s weird, you don’t actually feel yourself bleeding, i would’ve expected a hot bloody feeling but instead it felt like nothing. and when i say a pool i mean that it would drip down beneath my elbow, stain the sheet they’d put underneath, and i wouldn’t get all of it off until i showered. i didn’t necessarily find it scary, but it was surreal and kind of pulled me out of normalizing the experience i was having. for a very long time needing iv drugs was my greatest fear and i was surrounded by that then and fine, and then, there was blood all over my arm, and like, haha, this is actually not fine. you’d think something else would’ve been scarier, but it wasn’t. and now looking back at this paragraph i wish i’d edited it differently but hey that’s life

i’d never really understood the purpose of religion as a self-driven part of life until i took anatomy in college. i was raised catholic and though culturally i understand having a religion and being raised with one, i’ve never really reached for religion when i wanted answers, and i haven’t personally understood why that’s someone’s first option. and i know there’s been plenty of commentary on the hypocrisy of dana scully as a catholic who believes in science, yada yada yada, i think everyone has read all of that by now. but what struck me while learning anatomy is that there is a kind of neuron we don’t know the function of. there are four kinds of neurons, and one of them is still a mystery to us. and then, there’s all of these different parts of human bodies that exist in a certain perfect way, but why do they exist like that? to support life, yes, but why is it that we can make comparisons? why were irises not the same color? and we name valves of the heart after religious figures. we are so hell-bent on meaning that something literal will never be enough. and all of that made me think that dana scully has god to fill in what science won’t answer, at least not yet. and there’s definitely a bigger conversation about science as denial of indigenous cultures that i am nowhere near qualified to start. after taking those classes, i think i would be more shocked if she wasn’t religious. you can ignore pretty much all of the paragraph above but it was important to me that at some point in this fic she willingly conceded that she didn’t know what would happen and that she didn’t have answers. with illness, there is no logic, there’s no thinking your way out of it, and i think that would plague her for a long time. to me, she only would accept her death when she could say she had no idea what would happen, she has no answers, there’s nothing filling in her gaps anymore, and she’s comfortable with that. and i put all of that in a paragraph about my thoughts on god because it made sense to me. there are times that just feel like you’re in a movie and there’s no one else you can say caused them. it’s not enough to build belief on but it’s enough to bring a certain kind of wonder. also one time my parents insisted on watching stripes because it was so funny and when watching it none of us found it funny at all and my parents grimaced and were like what were we on that made that good back in the day so that’s in here now haha

and now, the biggest question: does she die at the end? when i came up with the idea for this fic, i knew the beginning and ending but not the middle, and i posted this as a smaller project (ie: chapters below 3,000 words) while illness made my bigger projects harder to work on and essentially flew by the seat of my pants the whole time. i wrote the last line a long long time ago and have always seen the ending as written as the concrete ending. when i started writing this, i never intended for there to be a definitive answer to whether or not she dies. i like premature endings (the ending of girls burn brighter comes to mind) and i think that this works better without saying whether or not she lives. and i also have a hard time with giving a definitive answer because this fic very much is about death and having her die would, of course, be traumatic, but showing her living instead i think ruins any takeaways people could have. i’ve never had cancer but as a chronically ill person i think i can speak to how you never actually win with illness; the best you can do is tie, and sometimes, no matter how much effort you put in, you “lose” anyway, you lose spectacularly, and all of your effort was for nothing. i wholeheartedly believe that humans can’t emotionally or logically process natural disasters or illness, hence why much of the talk about illness in this is from mulder’s perspective as he experiences her terminal illness secondhand; that way, he doesn’t need to (but still likely will) find logic or reason or meaning for death from a terminal illness, so his discoveries and his coping mechanisms aren’t as urgently needed. had i written a chapter that describes how she lives, i think that the discussion of death in this would be voided altogether. and i also don’t believe the ending would be much different whether she lives or dies; there’s still the need for death acceptance and talking about dying, whether or not she lives, and none of the story in this fic would have happened had the characters known she would live. the whole point is not knowing.

for a little while i toyed with writing an unofficial sequel of sorts in which i spelled out what i think happens after the ending, but after realizing that that would end up being longer than the original fic and would also have some massive plot holes, i decided against it. i do have my own version and i don’t want to share that version because i never really intended for my version to be some kind of genuine sequel in which every question gets answered and everything is wrapped up and happy ever after and whatnot. it was just where my brain wandered in the same way it wanders when i watch an open-ended movie. all of that to say, if you think she lives, then she lives. if you think she dies, then she dies. it’s your decision. i’d much rather you choose than me. i never marked this as “major character” death on ao3 because, well, she doesn’t die in this fic. whether or not she dies after the fic ends, that’s for you to decide. 

thank you for taking the time to read my writing. i never expected this to blow up (it blew up for me at least, for a while it was my most popular fic ever, with i think thousands more hits than anything else i’d written) and the response has been mind-boggling and wonderful. i don’t respond to comments often because it makes me feel like a pompous jerk (”thank you for enjoying this! i, too, enjoy this thing i have written! oh ho ho!” is how it sounds to me in my head, whereas when other writers respond to comments to me it just looks like thanks man have a good day, feel free to call me a weenie) but i’ve appreciated all of them very much. THANK YOU! i hope your new year is a Whole Lot Less Shit than 2020. i don’t plan on writing more msr because i don’t really have any ideas for them. thank you for making my last time special <3

[perfectmusicdestiny]

Blank Space and Borderline

“I’ve got a blank space, baby/And I’ll write your name”. What is “Blank Space” really about? According to singer/songwriter/cat enthusiast, Taylor Swift, the song is meant to be a satire of the way the tabloid press perceives her. For Taylor, at least publicly, “Blank Space” is an exploration of this character that the press has created, a character who is a serial dater, just destroying man after man after man. It’s a fun tongue-in-cheek song with a fun tongue-in-cheek video. I would posit though, that there is more to the song and the video than that. Many people have noticed that “Blank Space” appears to be a portrait of a woman with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I even read from one woman with BPD that she almost had to leave her apartment when she first heard the song, because it was so triggering. Why do people perceive the song in this way? I would argue that this is a legitimate interpretation of the song, even if it was an unintentional thing on Taylor's part. Just a quick note, I do not have BPD, but I do have a personality disorder called Avoidant Personality Disorder. It sucks, and is destroying my life. So, I know what it’s like to not be able to control your own brain and to get into these behavior patterns that you just can’t seem to break. Now, onward to the analysis!

What is “Borderline Personality Disorder?”. BPD is a mental illness that is characterized by extreme emotionality and instability in personal relationships. It is, unfortunately, a highly stigmatized disorder, even though with proper treatment, a person with BPD can live a full and happy life. The DSM-V currently lists 9 criteria for BPD. These are:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

In the current version of the DSM, you need to get 5 of the 9 in order to get the diagnosis. I’ve bolded the symptoms that the narrator of “Blank Space” displays in both the lyrics of the song and the music video.

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

This is most apparent in the music video. The Taylor character starts her “screaming, crying, perfect storms” when she spies her boyfriend using his cell phone, apparently to text someone else. People with BPD have a deep fear of abandonment, and something as simple as appearing to enjoy texting someone else can be distressing enough to cause a meltdown, which in this case it does. I also think that the “incredible things’ that she shows him are also a way of trying to preempt abandonment. If she shows him these incredible things, then he won’t want to leave her. In the music video, she drops his phone in the water, presumably to destroy the threat to their bond caused by the phone. There’s also a scene in which she mangles his car with a golf club. She is trying to destroy the thing that will allow him to leave her.

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

According to an anonymous author writing for the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), “[f]or people with BPD, we usually have histories of rocky relationships with those close to us. We can go from loving and adoring you one minute (idealization) to being furious and hating you the next (devaluation). This is where the term “favorite person” comes from in the borderline community. There is usually one of two people that we absolutely idolize and want to spend all our time with, and if they are busy and can’t spend time with us we tend to get angry and feel abandoned”.

Taylor has a “long list of ex-lovers/They’ll tell you [she’s] insane”. “It’s going to be forever, or it’s going to go down in flames”. This lyric implies that the narrator idolizes her lovers at first as her one true fairy tale love. However, once she catches him texting someone, everything goes off the rails. She can also be seen destroying a portrait that she made of him. He’s no longer her perfect love, but someone whom she hates. That is, she can “make all the tables turn”. In the music video, you can see that she has a lot of portraits of different men in a particular corridor. One of the portraits, hilariously, has an axe sticking out of it. The Swift character paints these portraits during the idealization phase, but once the tables have turned and she goes into the devaluation phase, she destroys them. Do note though that she still doesn’t want him to leave her. The destruction of the car happens after the portrait-destroying scene. BPD has sometimes been called the “I hate you, don’t leave me” disorder. She hates him now, so she destroys his portrait, but she also doesn’t want him to leave, so she takes a club to his car.

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

“Find out what you want/Be that girl for a month”. People with BPD often do not have a stable sense of self. Thus, they may mirror the personality of their “favorite person” in order to assure that the other person likes them, and won’t leave them. Within the context of BPD, a favorite person is It is important to note though that this will not last. She’ll only be “that girl for a month”. Once the devaluation of the person takes place, she will no longer be this person’s mirror or what this person wants.

4. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

Her boyfriend possibly texting someone else on his cell phone led to “screaming, crying, perfect storms”. That’s it.

5. Chronic feelings of emptiness.

The song is called “blank space”. She has a “blank space, baby/And I’ll write your name”. The implication is that the narrator does feel this sense of emptiness and is trying to cure it with a romantic relationship. The reason why she goes out with all of these guys is to try to fill the emptiness.

6. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

In the music video, she sets fire to his clothes in an apparent rage. The Taylor character also cuts up all of his clothes. She bashes the hell out of his car. She throws what appears to be a very expensive vase at him after the phone incident. These would all seem to be inappropriate expressions of anger.

In conclusion, Swift’s character exhibits 6 of the 9 symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. It really is fascinating how Taylor Swift may have unintentionally created a character with BPD. This leads me to think about how we characterize “crazy women” in our society, and what exactly that means, but that is a discussion for another day.

[feralnumberfive]

Apologies for just zooming into your ask but I'm genuinely interested in hearing your opinion about him. Aidan is extremely talented and brings the role of Five to life, but I've been reading about a few things that he's said in patreon and there's quite a few youtube videos about his behaviour. And there's just an off vibe he gives off through instagram. I'm really trying to like him because he's still young. I guess I just wanted to hear your opinion on him because I just value your opinion.

No need to apologize, you are always welcome here! Thank you so much for valuing my opinion, it means a lot! :]

Well I’d first off like to say I hope I don’t get a lot of shit for anything I’m about to say haha, but if I do, oh well! If anyone gets upset by this, this is my opinion, and you don’t have to agree with it!

Here we go!

Everything you said, anon, is exactly how I feel too. I consider myself slightly lower than a casual fan of Aidan. I think it’s awesome that he really cares for the environment and that he communicates with his fans about climate change and stuff. I am amazed at how good he is at acting. He’s the perfect Five and really knows the ins and outs of Five. 

When it comes to Aidan himself though, he gives me an odd feeling too. I can’t exactly name why, but it’s just like that. I’ve seen the things he’s said to some of his fans, which I took screenshots of the posts, and it’s just downright awful. I sound obsessive when I say I took screenshots, but it’s just a way for me to kind of anchor myself in a way. I know that this has been said many times, but Aidan is young. He just turned 17 and is on his way to being 18. Even though he’s young, he should know some right from wrong ideas, but still at that age not everyone knows (I certainly don’t and I’m only slightly older than him) when something is okay to say/do. This, however, is not an excuse to say certain things about mental illnesses. 

Some of the things he has said sound absolutely crazy, and I can't believe a person would say that. I believe that some of it though isn’t meant the way he said it and rather that he worded it poorly. Some of the things he has said aren’t okay at all. It’s tricky to know though with Aidan because his fandom is quite bonkers and obsessed over him (not all of them though). Rumors about him spread like a wild fire or out of context messages he has sent are taken and made to look like he did something wrong. Maybe what I’m seeing is out of context messages, but I don’t believe a good chunk of them are.

Aidan has stated that he never wanted to be famous but he eventually became famous. He said that he only does some things to please his fans, which is honestly sad but I don’t even know if I believe it. Personally, I believe Aidan is a bit self absorbed. It’s understandable though since he’s young and already quite a famous actor. He knows where he’s at in life and has a good amount of influence on people, especially his fans who are typically younger. He said he doesn’t post as much about the environment anymore or he would lose followers. He said he only takes selfies for his fans and that he doesn't enjoy it. He also said he has to “play celebrity” in order to slip in posts about the environment or else no one would pay attention. If you truly loved the environment though, would you care if you lost followers in order to spread an urgent and important message?

Rumors are spread around and yet Aidan also believes in some of them. He seems to hold himself as an intelligent person who knows everything and that those things are right, yet he himself has blinders on. I think he needs to check more into things before he goes off about them or a person in general. I believe he is falling more and more into a “being famous” mindset where he believes he needs to keep everyone happy and that he has a lot of power over things. His Patreon is a neat way for him to keep in touch with his fans, but I believe it’s kind of ruining him. It seems like he really only focuses on his Patreon fans and not the rest of his fanbase. 

So, Aidan is on thin ice for me. I like him, and I really do want to like him, but I’m quite cautious of him. I always keep the strange/bad things he has said in the back of my mind just as a reminder that he may seem charming but he’s not all that. I’m sure he’s a good kid and means well, but he’s not the best when it comes to wording things and talking with fans. I know he just wants people to be happy, but some of the things he has said about others is not right. I know he’s apologized about a lot of this stuff though and that some of them are rumors or just out of context things. I hope that as he gets older he will do whatever he actually wants to do and realizes that he doesn’t constantly need to give content to his fans and he’ll be at peace with himself. He’s just a young teen who is still figuring out life, but from a famous person point of view. In the end though, I just can’t trust Aidan.  

[creepypocky]

Hello! How are you? I was wondering if I could get a romantic matchup and a friend matchup. If not then feel free to ignore this!

I use all pronouns and I’m omni with a preference for men.

I’m 5’0, pale, have long, curly dark brown hair, brown eyes, glasses (though I’ve been wanting contacts for awhile), and a bit of acne (one of my core insecurities).

My style is mostly vintage streetwear. Lots of graphic t-shirts, sweaters, hoodies, and loose jeans. Every once in awhile, I add in some elements of dark academia and cottagecore. I wear lesbian earrings a lot too.

My hobbies are, listening to music, reading (mostly fantasy and historical fiction), karate, singing, playing video games, and instruments (I play the violin, saxophone, and keyboard).

One of my biggest interests is history. I like learning about all types of history and different periods of time but my overall favorite thing to learn about are revolutions, like the American revolution, French, and Russian.

My biggest goal in life is to make my family proud. My childhood wasn’t exactly the easiest, to say the least, and I just want to prove that it won’t keep me down from achieving great things. I hope that makes sense. Anyways..

My favorite kind of person is someone who’s patient and outgoing. I rant a lot about things I’m passionate about, like history for example. My favorite kind of person is someone who well just listen and not just straight up ignore me when ranting about something. I like someone is is outgoing too since I’m the opposite, and need someone to push me out my comfort zone every now and then.

The kind of person I hate is someone who is self-centered, judgmental, and dishonest. Not much to say here since I think it’s pretty self explanatory. This kind of person is just not good to be around.

Things I like are: rainy weather, nature, books, animals, music, picnics, stargazing, libraries, and coffee shops.

Things I dislike: hot weather, insects, seafood, my indecisiveness, loud noises, crowded places, and arguing.

My sun sign is pisces, rising is libra, and my moon is scorpio.

I’m 100% an introvert. I like being around friends and family but I like my alone time more. When I’m with people people for a bit too long, I start to feel drained.

First impressions.. I’m not good at them. When meeting someone, I’m very shy and quiet. They have to be the one to lead the conversation and when they ask questions, I 9 times out of 10 will respond in short answers. I also stutter and fidget a lot.

When I’m with people I know and trust, I’m loud, energetic, and like to make a couple jokes here and there. I only make jokes every now and then since I’m scared they won’t laugh. But when they do, I feel really proud of myself for making them laugh.

Okay, I think that’s about it. I’m sorry that this is long, I got a bit carried away. I hope this all makes sense. Thank you so much! Take care and have a great day/night! :)

Hi hi! Thank you for sending me this. :) I don't mind at all that it's long, in fact, the longer it is the better. This allows me to match you in more detail.

I am well, thank you for asking hon. <3

It was difficult for me to figure out who to match you with, but-

Romantic:

|| I match you with: Homicidal Liu! || (I won’t include Sully because I’m not sure how to include him into this, but in the future I will practice writing that!)

This is exciting, I've never matched anyone with him before, but I'm going to make it work.

First of all, he lovesss your hair and how curly it is he just wants to run his hands through it.

Maybe sniff it too idk...

He thinks everything about you is cute even your acne so you shouldn’t feel insecure about it, he loves you regardless!

He loves to chill with you and hang out with a book, he’ll buy all the fantasy books you want tbh and will love to point out interesting stuff he finds in them. I honestly canon Liu as a bit of a nerd. Lmfaoo

Bro, you like karate?? Watch this guy study karate as much as possible just for you. Maybe even learn it for you, hell, if not knowing some himself already. Let this hot nerd hear you sing for hours it will brighten his day up, honey. Please teach him how to play instruments, he has a hard time learning them even though he’s so interested. Regardless though, he loves to listen to you play and will even ask you to write songs if you’re up for it.

Liu was great in school which means he knows a lottttt about history since he was interested in it too and always studied history, so he could just talk to you on and on about history all day and you both could even learn from each other.

He totally gets wanting to make your family proud as a goal, he also had a very rough childhood due to his abusive dad and growing up with Jeff who was mentally ill at a young age, all he ever wanted to really do was show his family he could be someone better than that. So he completely supports you.

He is most definitely patient and outgoing. He will always let you take your time on things and would never pressure you into doing something, as long as you treat him with that same respect. He’s a really good listener, hence doing really well in school, so he’s willing to just listen to you rant on and on about things. He wants you to feel like you can talk to him about anything as long as you want to, and if you don’t he’ll respect your space. He’s pretty extroverted so he’ll try to help you get along with others more and make more friends.

He really hates liars and judgemental people too, he was bullied a lot by people like that in school so seeing people like that is like a reminder for him. He’s good at keeping his composure though and will simply ignore or avoid the people he encounters that are like that. If they hurt you though, he’s more than willing to put them in their place.

He is pretty indifferent about nature, he’s honestly more of an inside guy and just loves the comfort of inside despite being an extrovert. But he’ll go outside with you to look at nature if you asked him to.

He always loves to take you out and go on little coffee shop dates with you because he loves the sweet smile that comes up on your face. He’ll just sit at the table with you and a coffee and read a book with you if not just talk about random things.

He will squish all insects just for you honey.

If your indecisiveness ever gets to you, he’s willing to help you make a decision so it’ll be easier for you because he doesn’t want to see you upset. He always has an open mind and leaves options open but still gives you context on which would be best.

If you’re ever feeling drained from being around people all day he will let you have your own space and leave you alone, unless you want to spend some cuddle time with him. Otherwise he understands.

He gets being bad at first impressions because even though he’s an extrovert he can still be a bit awkward, but he’ll be willing to start conversations for you when you’re in groups or egg others on to start a conversation so that you don’t feel too nervous.

He loves seeing you loud and energetic and going out of your shell, and your occasional jokes are funny to him not always because the joke itself is funny but also because he thinks you’re a total goof. (In a good way bby) <3

Best friend:

|| I match you with: Masky! ||

Our good ol’ friend Tim here comes across as a rough guy, and is horrible at first impressions too. But to be honest, he’s actually much nicer and outgoing than people think he is.

His style is pretty much the same as yours kinda so the two of you get along over things like matching clothes sometimes. He also thinks it’s really fun to watch you do karate if you demonstrate it to him, but will absolutely refuse if you tell him to do karate for you because he knows he will fail miserably. He does know how to play a couple instruments though and will play the guitar for you if you ask him to. Or he’ll just do it anyway because he feels like it.

He’s honestly a total history nerd too but doesn’t show it, but if you mention history around him he will just “happen” to know the answer or what you’re talking about. Eventually though he’ll come out of his shell and have a conversation with you and maybe Liu if he joins in about history and stuff.

he doesn’t know much about making a family proud, but he does know how it feels to want to meet someones expectations through hard times, especially considering his job and Slender being his boss. He’s constantly having anxiety about wanting to be good enough for him as an employee and he’s scared to death of failing him or not fulfilling his job enough. So he sort of understands your goal and will support you the best he can.

He really doesn’t seem like it at times, but he can be patient and outgoing if he really wants to be. He can have anger issues at times and has trouble communicating with people, but once the two of you get closer he’s a lot more patient with you and is usually the one to start a conversation with you if you’re unable to.

He hates dishonest people too, honestly. Mostly because he has experience with constantly being lied to and betrayed and he is so sick of it. Please never betray him, he doesn’t seem like it but he’s so fragile. ;-; He trusts you as a friend though and he knows you would never lie to him or do something to break his trust.

He doesn’t like crowded places much either, he finds them really stressful and can trigger his anxiety at times. He’s just used to being on his own and in his own space and has trouble going out of his comfort zones when there’s crowds. He totally gets feeling drained when around people for too long, he doesn’t mind being around people in general and interacting with them but he’s still a bit of an introvert and likes to just do his own thing. He loves to go in a quiet room with you and play some kind of board game with you or share books.

When you’re loud and energetic, he really enjoys being around you and you don’t drain him as much as other loud people do because he’s closer to you and just likes to see you have fun. He is the teasing type though and if you joke around he’ll pretend to not think it’s funny while trying not to crack up.

~~~

I hope this was good enough! Thank you for sending me this, it was lovely to write for. I hope you’re having a great day/night and make sure to take great care of yourself, hon! <3

[watchyourbluesturngolden]

my annotations for chappy 11 of ysijwa

this is just for drea and leyla to read so if you're not drea or leyla pls keep scrolling :)

ok this is pretty chaotic and like i said earlier i treated this ike a wattpad comment section so... have fun ig :)

SHERLOCK AND WATSON CINEMATIC UNIVERSE SHUT UPPPPP I LOVE YOU SM DREA

NOT MISS SNAP CRACKLE POP

jealous y/n you say???

now i know why you ignored all my tiktok asks lmao

HELPLESS OH MY GOD

truly madly deeply intended :)

damn he's kind of a narcissist yk? like "I have to be serious my entire family depends on it" shut up mr darcy you're not special

devout in his religion hmmmmmm hopefully we see some more religious trauma content bc me too vampy

awww he wants kids but now he cant have them bc hes... dead :(

AWWW his sister taught him to knit :( if he doesn't knit bloodbag a sweater i swear to god

stuffy moron is correct

"IT'S A FUCKING WONDER HE EVER GOT LAID" OIJRIOJWEIOJIEWOJFIOEJOF

"THE ATROCITY THAT IS BEING ACQUAINTED WITH NIALL AND HIS HORRIBLE AFFINITY FOR CHEAP FLANEL" ORJFOIJFEIOWJ YOURE SUCH A POET

he's so dumb she was with him bc he's hot that much should be obvious to him🙄

FOOLISHLY HOPELESSLY UNMEASURABLY IN LOVE HWAT THE FUCK DREA IM SAD

i love that he remembers the spinal cord dislocation and the dead leaves . like yea im dead rn but the leaves in my hair are really what's bothering me the most

what the fuck is a maw

ok i looked it up i get it now

"attachment is for gullible idiots" yup and youre one of them vampy 😌

"the warmest skin his icy fingers had ever had the good fortune to touch" im so soft rn

oh so now she has "a wholesome beauty about her nature" ? i thought she was just cute enough 🤨

HE THINKS HER SMILE COULD RESTART HIS HEART THATS SO CUTE IM OUHOIJFOEWIJFIOEWJ

"the responsibility of keeping her safe, satisfied, and happy" how 🥺 🥺🥺

"as long as he breathes" i thought he didn't breathe lmao BUT I GET THE SENTIMENT

"always when it comes to her" IM SCREAMING RN THIS IS SO SOFT I CANT

ill never forgive him for being so dense either his brain is basically a rock

HE WANTED TO COMMUNICATE THAT HE BELONGED TO HER IM GONNA HAVE A STROKE

couldnt be me i dont want to be percieved

HE ADDED A FUCKING BUTTERFLY AFTER THE DISCO BALLS IM OIWFJIOEWJFIOEJIOEWNOJIWJ(*H(WUIOFJIOEWJFIOWHVIFUEH)U)($UT

HEY a hamilton obsession is not childish😤

'the only person who was allowed to touch him there was y/n' he's like a little kid who's possessive omggggggg

oh this reminds me i rlly hope everything in that chest was new and had never been used on anyone else owijfowiejfioewj

oh please my irish king can control himself let y/n meet the other vamps🙄

"if they knew all along why did it take so long" yk im wondering the same thing dummy

"every day was a battle to earn her love and affection" wtffff how could she hurt him like that he is just a baby

i think he needs therapy tbh

yes he does deserve to be treated with respect and dignity😤

"supporting and tolerating them despite your differences" exactly unless they're a republican

IM SORRY THAT WAS MEAN OIWFJOIWJFEIOw i said what i said tho

they did everything backwards but it's what baby needed🥺

im literally gonna 🔪 bradley how dare he hurt my favorite ribeye like that

PROPER BOYFRIEND-GIRLFRIEND BONDING PLSSSSS im sure he makes sure to say stuff like "as your boyfriend' or 'since youre my girlfriend' all the time now

"everything that has to do with harry has always and will always make her feel safe and secure" ...who's gonna tell her👀

HE BECOMES CLINGY IVE BEEN WAITIN FOR THIS ONE TURN IT UP

awwww my love language is also quality times bestiesssssss

(this is more serious you might want to change the words to nose kisses or something because esk*mo is a slur)

HE wants to be wrapped in HER arms and get forehead kissies like a little baby🥺🥺

i can tell you wrote this chappy bc leyla would never write about ice cream

IF CHRIST CAN GET A DATE MARKER SO CAN HARRY OIFJOEIWJFIOEWJFWI PLSSSSSSSSSS I LOVE HIM

ALWAYS FOR HER WEJFIOJWEIOFJEWIOFJOIEWJFOIEWJF HES SO IN LOOOOOVE

HE DID IT AND IM SO PROUD OF HIM🥺

omg i have a thot imagine if she got a heart murmur or something and obvi he knows bc he can hear it so now he has to find a way to make her get it checked out out without being suspicious 😭

HE ROCKS HER TO CALM HER DOWN WHEN SHES HAVING NIGHTMARES IJFEOWIJFOIWEFJ

“nearly blinds himself for eternity” what a drama queen i love him

maybe learn how to turn your brightness down grandpa

“can women sense emotional distress” why is this so funny oiewfjwieojfioewj

DEHUMANIZING OWEIJOIAJAKLFSDJLKSDJFKLD

not a psychotic episode 😭😭

crippling mommy issues woejfkljdklsjsdf me too king

awwwww he made her a full buffet i would cry

matchy socks im gonna sob

king is a chef 😌

y/n’s head @ harry’s clavicle rn: 💥

“his plush chest” drea its ok you can say titties

“absolutely flawless”? are you sure shes not just cute enough 🤨

he got her oat milk 🥺the sign of true love

hes such a shithead i love him

SPELLING HIS NAM E ON HER TUMMY IM HAVING ANOTHER STROKE

“I DIDNT WANT TO LEAVE YOU ALL ALONE” HES SO WOIFJSJFSDKJKLSDJF

HE DIDNT HAVE TO DO NIALL LIKE THAT 😭😭

RAPUNZEL HAIR OSIDJSKJKLSJF

she traces a tiny heart on him wtfffffffffff im sad

this… is hot

“theres no room on the counter” owifjlksjfslkfjklsj

HE WOULD WALK THROUGH FIRE FOR HER maybe then he’d be a little less cold

im sorry that was wrong of me lisjfskldjfwoiejewiojrei

OH MY GOD OWEIJFKLJSKLFJL SHES SO BOLD “can’t i?” OSIJFKSLJLKJF

oh boy hes gonna kill her

I WONDERED WHEN THE YOURE HOT WHEN YOURE MEAN THING WAS GOING TO COME UP

literally shut the fuck up mr english major

do it bestie kick him in the balls

SPARE BOOBIES MAAM I CNAT BELIEVE YOU aCTUALLY WROTE THAT OWIFEJWIJEKLJFOIEWHOEWIFEHFLKEWJFKLEWJKLJFL

IM WHITE IM ALLERGIC TO SPICE WEJFLKJFKLEJFLKJSKLJKFSJD

“character development at its finest” what a self aware king

y/n stop being mean to him baby just wants to feel close ☹️

“I’m anemic” ok king whatever u say

“ME AND MY CHRONIC ILLNESS IM SENSITIVE” IJFKLSDJFKLJSDKLJ

ahhhhhhh it’s yoga time

“just ask your cervix” jlksdjflksdjflkdsjflk

“if only you knew” ☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️

yeah y/n isnt like those other girls 🤪 shes different 🤪

yes bestie objectify him

THERE IT IS MY FAVORITE LINE IN THIS ENTRIE BOOK

PERHAPS MY FAVORITE LINE IN ANY BOOK EVER

“He hasn't been this stiff since rigor mortis”

i think about this on a daily basis i truly do

grey shorts? what a slut

“call the lapd im pressing charges” me after walking up the stairs

OH SO THIS IS WHERE THE GREYS ANATOMY CHARACTERS FROM THE SPOILERS WITHOUT CONTEXT COME IN

him using his shirt as a towel im BARKING

“I wasnt jealous” yea ok 😃

AGAIN HIM DRAWING HIS INITIALS ON HER SKIN THATS SO WOIJFSKLDJFLSJ

yeah harold she just wanted a little kiss 😤

yeah 😃 its bc he ran track 😃

no bc thats so fucking cute that she pretended she had never seen the show before bc he was excited to introduce her to it 🥺

I would do the same tbh i feel like it would be fun to wash dishes with harry idk why

“that skank” oisjksldfjklsjfklsdjflkd

YOUR THICK SKULL COULD DAMAGE THE MARBLE LSKFJKLDSJKFLSDJFKLSJFKLSJKLSJLDKFJLSKDJF I WOULD CRY

he gets her a cup of water 🥺

ok but like wouldn't she want to wash her hair after it got all sweaty at yoga

awwwww she got his toothbrush ready for him why am i so soft rn

memory foam mattresses sound nice but actually they kind of suck bc you sink down and feel trapped in them 😃

HE WATCHED THE TIKTOK SHE SENT HIM IM HAVING A THIRD STROKE

niall is probably on the dumbest side of tiktok idek what side but it’s probably annoying and he thinks it’s hilarious

noooo baby youre not a monster🥺 someone give him a hug rn

well actually you are kind of a monster but its ok we still love u bestie

I too run on caffeine and pizza pockets 😌

TONSIL HOCKEY WHAT THE FUCK OIEJFLSDKJFKLSDJFLSJLKFJSDKLFJ

chatsnap hes such an old man 😭

true lmao if you dont have social media i immediately dont trust you

not the i just washed my hands tiktok 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

HE FEELS STRANGELY PERCIEVED RN KJFLSJFLKSDJ IDK WHY THIS IS SO FUNNY TO ME BUT IM LIKE LEGIT LAUGHING

DO IT BESTIE BITE HIM CHOMP CHOMP

“my eyes are stinging” hes such a baby 😭

“MY SIGH”TS ALL FUZZY” SJFKDSLJFLKDSJFLKDSJFLK

“are you all right” “I dont know :(’ i cant handle this my face hurts from smiling lksjflkjafklj

he has a kitchenaid stand mixer omg thats so sexy

ok but has anyone ever gotten salmonella from raw cookie dough bc i think thats just a myth

fuck u for that one vampy

wow he could never deal with my chronically ill ass

WAIT IS IT WAP

NOPE ITS BETTER LSDFJSDKLFJDS

I agree body is absolutely an instrumental masterpiece

I KNEW HE KNOWS SOME TIKTOK DANCES I KNEW IT

“I know youre kinda into that (getting smacked in the face)” SHUT UPPPPPPP SKJFSKDLJFDS

NOT HIM TWERKING SLKFJSDKLFJDSKLFJDSKL

YES YN GET THAT VIDEO AND BLACKMAIL HIM

“I think i popped something” ok old man 😭

why is the word wench so funny lkfjslkfjdslkfjsdlkfj

dont hand it over i want to see him snap

OH SHIT HE JUST JUMPED THE TABLE LSDFJSDKLFJLKDNMNXCMNJKHOIUIOEUR

oooooooooooo

OH MY GOD AGAIN SHE REALLY IS BOLD SLKDFJDSKLFJLSKDJFLKJFS

not guerrilla warfare 😭😭😭😭

do it bestie give him a concussion he deserves it

“no piece of art could ever compare to her” 🥺🥺

“remember that time you told me making out was childish” “no” i hate him 😭

THERE IT IS AGAIN “sex isnt the only way he can feel close to someone anymore” SHUT THE FUCK UP IM SOBBING

this reminds me of the dehydrated intercourse with demonrry

“don’t care, relationships are about sharing’ hes so sdjfksldjfklsjf

DO IT BESTIE KICK HIS KNEECAPS IN

suing disney for false advertisement 😭

THIS SCENE IS KILLING ME LKJFKLSJFLDSJ “just pucker your lips over it” “You have actual brain damage, dont you?” DREA I LOVE YOU KSDJFLDSKJFLKSDJ

how do those bubbles taste babe

ok drea wtf i was so happy and now this??????

“everything’s wrong” NO SHUT UP SHUT UP ITS HAPPY HOURS

not the boob privileges 😭

WAIT THIS IS FROM THE BSE MV ISNT IT “dance is just so hot rn” “depressing shades are just so hot rn”

NOT HIM GETTING ALL STUTTERY WHEN HE ASKS HER IF SHE WANTS A DRAWER 🥺

NO ONE HAS EVER BEEN THIS GENTLE WITH HIM BEFORE WTFFFFFFFF IM CRYING

“youre so fucking cute, my baby” me when i see literally any picture of him

JELLO HAS a STRONGER BACKBONE THAN THIS KSFJSDKLFJDSKLFJ

“betrayed. objectified. taken advantage of. used. “ i hate him sm 😭😭

OH MY GOD IS SHE GONNA SHAVE HIS FACE THATS SO CUTE IM

SHE ISsSSSSS IM SQUEALING

stop him worrying she’ll think it's weird and wont want to do it 🥺

“bold of you to assume id ever be convicted” PLS DREA LAKFJDKSLFJ

“the more you talk, the more appealing manslaughter sounds” I CHOKED DLSKFJDSKLFJDKSJFDSKLJ

HIM WHISTLING TO GET HER ATTENTION WHY IS THAT SO CUTE

Im sorry but its really funny to me how you wrote the sentence “wrong metal, he thinks ironically” … get it ? like IRONically lkfjdslkfj im sorry i’ll show myself out

“this boy?” what a fucking cutie i want to kick him

I forgot what a bop helpless is thanks for reminding me im gonna go listen to the entire soundtrack again-

theyre so fucking cute i hate them

so yea bascally this is the best thing ive ever read and i love you so much and my face hurts from smiling :)))

[davidmann95]

Your power is mine: thoughts on Kingdom Hearts’ newest, oddest character

Finished Final Fantasy XV over the weekend. Mixed feelings to say the least, but it does give me an excuse to talk about Kingdom Hearts again, specifically this weirdo:

And how it feels like most of the people discussing Yozora and trying to figure out what his deal is are missing half the point. Yes, there’s the apparent connections to Sora and Riku, and there’s his meta association with Noctis and the entire real-life corporate backstory there intertwining with the in-game narrative to an unknown extent. But when he’s discussed as some kind of fusion of Sora and Riku, or a literal reincarnation of Noctis, or that Verum Rex might end up a real game, or something similarly straightforward in terms of “he’s going to be a very important central character going forward”, the ideas or at least the tone of how they’re presented seem to miss an absolutely critical component of how he was introduced to us, in a way that shapes not only him but by extension the entire future of the franchise and its thematic concerns:

We aren’t just supposed to be surprised he’s important because he’s real where we thought he wasn’t. We’re supposed to be surprised because he’s introduced to us as a self-evident gag character.

Not that we’re not supposed to take him seriously where it counts: it’s clear he has an important role going forward and is a force to be reckoned with. But no matter what deep, foreboding connections to the Keyblade and Master of Masters may lie within his backstory that may determine the fate of more universes than one, he will never not have had the hilariously inauspicious beginning of being a toy played by Rex the Dinosaur. He doesn’t even have the dignity of being introduced as a game on one of the plot-heavy original worlds! He’s a throwaway gimmick to spice up one of the filler Disney segments, literally a child’s plaything.

Even before we learn the context he’s being presented in...well, look at him. He’s like Riku, who’s cooler than Sora, and Noctis, a Final Fantasy character and therefore cooler than all this Disney stuff, but also he has a LASER SWORD and a CROSSBOW - that are clearly functioning as cool future tech instead of dopey magical powers - and his eyes are MYSTERIOUS MISMATCHING UNNATURAL COLORS and he fights GIANT ROBOTS with a dude in a fedora in a city straight out of the REAL WORLD to save a helpless lady/prize: truly, let no mistake be made, he is VERY, VERY SERIOUS INDEED, AND ALSO, RAD. TO THE MAX. He’s every attempt at reframing contemporary Final Fantasy as slick and modern and cool dialed up and up and up until the tone breaks, without the barest hint of self-awareness even as it advertises its action figure tie-ins. I don’t think that his little Keyblade pattern on his jacket being near-impossible to spot unless you’re looking for it is just to preserve the surprise, but also because the sight of the big keys with the Mickey Mouse logo on them would be anathema to his entire vibe, so important as it may be it must be squirreled away where it can’t make him look dumb. Heck, when Dylan Spouse announced on Twitter he was playing this major character in a childhood favorite franchise of his, surely knowing more than we do about Yozora, his description of the part was “I have lived out my edgy JRPG character fantasies...I even got to say ‘Sorry, but I don’t lose.’” We’re supposed to receive him off the bat as Square Enix, and more specifically Tetsuya Nomura, poking fun at themselves, going ‘yes, we suppose this is all getting to be a bit much, isn’t it?’

And then he enters the story for real.

Obviously he’s much more than a joke now, but the idea of him as something off, something that doesn’t fit in these games, endures. His episode isn’t just in a modern cityscape but skinned in the graphics of the grittier, more detailed style of the Pirates of the Caribbean world meant to evoke photorealism rather than the look of the rest of the game. He interferes with the gameplay in ways no other enemy does, stealing your items and weapons (we’ll get back to that). When he casts you into a void to be attacked by the mechs, it’s not a pure empty white but a mass of abstract polygonal space, evocative of the visuals of early game development. What details we do get of his backstory frame him as a counterpart to Sora on a parallel journey all his own, but the associations with his other source material in Noctis are considerably more...cutting. Credit to @kitsoa, whose own extensive musings on Kingdom Hearts’ increasingly overt metafictional concerns brought to my attention the obvious parallel: that Yozora being changed ‘beyond recognition’ with his heart replaced by another’s is a reasonable, albeit scathing description of Noctis’s revised character in the shift from the Nomura-helmed Final Fantasy Versus XIII to the largely overhauled Final Fantasy XV (and by the same token, the Nameless Star’s identity being stolen comes across as a shot at Versus XIII’s Stella Nox Fleuret being entirely replaced by Lady Lunafreya. Who, by sheer coincidence, would have been corrupted in planned but cancelled DLC into a monster of darkness).

While the comparisons to his source material are not only intentional but textually overt - his introduction as a real boy is literally scored to the FFXV theme music - so is the distancing from that material, given that if Nomura simply wanted to use Noctis the very premise of Kingdom Hearts as a series could have allowed him to use Noctis, and even change him to fit his original vision however he wished given the design and backstory changes to the other Final Fantasy characters involved. Yozora has a distinct role in which he’s still meant to represent that tone and aesthetic, and all signs point to that being because as that representation, he hardly seems an endorsement. He’s a parody, offered up in a demeaning context and tangled up narratively in real-life creative bitterness before being placed as an antagonist, however well-meaning (though keep in mind every secret boss of his kind before - other than Julius, I suppose - went on to become an endgame boss later on), in the player’s path. He may not be a villain, but all signs seem to indicate he’s a figure to be regarded as a contrast to the heroes.

And it’s in that role as a contrast that I have my own theories about what his deal ultimately is, thematically if not plotwise.

For those who saw this in the Kingdom Hearts tag and aren’t superhero fans, that’s Superdoomsday, introduced in Grant Morrison’s run on Action Comics about 8 years ago. One among many takes on an ‘evil Superman’ from a parallel universe, the twist with his world is that rather than a survivor of Krypton, he is literally the materialized concept of Superman - imagined by his reality’s Clark Kent, Lois Lane, and Jimmy Olsen, who created a machine which could bring ideas to life - that when sold to a corporation was reimagined in service of wide public appeal into an all-powerful, uncompromisingly brutal monstrosity clad in armor somewhere between an iPhone, 90s Rob Liefeld battle gear, and Nazi regalia, who ultimately journeyed into the multiverse to stalk and kill other incarnations of Superman, seeing them as competition to his domination of the ‘market’. “The curse...of Superman...” murmurs the dying Kent of that world, “...he becomes anything you want...him...to be...our world...wanted that...”

Yozora is...probably not exactly a 1:1 to that. But as a counterpart to Sora, it absolutely seems as if the main factor by which he contrasts him is that he’s ostensibly the sleeker, edgier model, new-and-improved. He reworks Sora’s story arc and aesthetic into something theoretically cooler and more palatable, steals his power, ‘saves’ him by sealing him away to presumably fight in his stead and thereby take his place as the lead. He is the protagonist so many feel Kingdom Hearts has needed for years, the somber AMV-ready Secret Movie tone and aesthetic stepping into center stage at last rather than maintaining a sunshiney Disney-esque child hero lead to anchor the assorted conspiracies and horrors of much of the rest of the tale. The manner in which he is presented as to make metatextuality an in-universe concern (to call back to Grant Morrison again, his next work after Action Comics was Multiversity, where a major plot point was that the events of parallel universes were unwittingly documented in each others’ pop culture; in that case comic books, in here video games) for Kingdom Hearts to explore in the next main entry is I believe so as to ask what, in fact, Kingdom Hearts as a series should be; is it a Disney series with some incidental Final Fantasy stuff in it? A Final Fantasy spinoff with some Disney elements cluttering it up that should maybe be discarded as it grows up? Something all its own? Is it time for Kingdom Hearts to get Serious? Even if the Kingdom Hearts as imagined by a marketing executive vision of Verum Rex isn’t what’s next, what is, as things get darker and that vision is now part of the narrative whether for good or ill?

So yeah it looks like Kingdom Hearts IV is Kingdom Hearts vs. its own Gritty Realworld! Urban Fantasy AU fanfiction for the soul of the series, and I am extremely here for it.

[lairofsentinel]

Certainly Detroit: become human has a strong component of the concept of parenthood, giving a narrative place where to think about what it is, how it is such relationship, and how humans and androids conceptualise it. 

Parenthood is not an alien concept to explore with android themes because it's all about the concept of creator and creation, a relationship that despite being based on power it has been taught to us to mixture it with the concept of parenthood through religion. Talking about creators is almost the same as talking about parents, despite the nature of each relationship is quite different.

[Spoilers ahead]  Edit 1: I went wild and wrote a big meta. Edit 2: Ok... I was carried away a little bit, I guess.... Edit 3: I’ll stop editing this, otherwise it will be endless. Edit 4: Ok. I’ll stop. I promise.

In our western society, parenthood has been always taught by generation as a unique bond between people sharing blood, but Detroit become human explores it a bit further.

On one hand we see Carl, dealing with his addict biological son who only seeks his father for money. He is jealous of Markus, though. Despite sharing blood, Carl is quite clear that he doesn't favour his own son much, and his main link is with Markus. It’s him who is his son, because there is a lot of Carl in Markus himself.

Carl nurtured Markus with good treatments, with knowledge, with books, with art. An endless list of good stimuli. He encouraged him to practice philosophy and to paint. Despite lacking of those skills in his software, Markus becomes a kind of novel intelectual, and turns out to be a “human” deeply influenced by Carl, knowing about the world from this bubble of culture and art that Carl made for him.

Carl taught him that he doesn't need to reproduce reality, that he can show (with art) something that nobody else sees in this reality, something that it doesn't exist, something that can change reality itself. Art is about wanting a different reality, interpreting it, improving it, and hoping to change it. We see every bit of this later in Markus' actions. For that reason he is the rebel leader in this game. And he is also Carl's son. There is a lot of Carl in Markus himself.

The sentiment is mutual. Markus loves Carl, he worries for him, cares for him, he even missed Carl (androids missing people!) and seeks his advice when he is lost. And Carl, despite the pain of the situation with his biological son, protects Markus as a parent does and never fears him (he leaves his house open to Markus, letting the house software recognise him in a friendly way). Nothing of their relationship has to do with blood, but their father-son relationship is there. It's impossible to deny it.

The parallel of their father-son concept reappears strongly in Connor and Hank's relationship. Slowly, we see how Hank starts to influence Connor with his words and actions to the point when Connor starts to adopt Hank's gestures. These small details bring Carl's words straight into their scenes: “You are my son, there is so much of me in you.” And Hank notices this. But instead of Arts and doubts and identity, it's emotions what Connor takes from Hank. Because Hank is a mess of emotions.

Hank is an old man, grumpy and tired but emotional. I quite find strange when people seem to see him like a stereotypical “hard-boiled” man. He is a fucking emotional mess quite far away from any concept of “stoic char”! XD Sure, he shows a lot of grumpiness and asocial behaviour (mostly due to his deep depression), but he is not the stone-char. He is incredible sensitive to Connor's treatment. The more Connor treats him poorly and tactlessly, the worse he reacts. 

It’s true that it’s hard to judge Hank’s real behaviour because he is interacting with an android, not another human, but he lets his emotions run free quite often. It’s not like we, as players, struggle too much to see what he is feeling in any moment. Sure, there is a deep grudge against androids that makes him react strongly negative to them, so he looks more aggressive to them than when interacting with other humans. He hates machines, but he is absolutely a pro-emotion char. We know this not only by his face, which is an open window to all his emotional states, but also for his behaviour and words. 

During the first case, in the interrogatory , he has a decent scene despite being in front of an android (I was expecting high levels of violence against the android). He is not the one thinking in torturing the android-killer. He cares for the way the android is treated during the interrogatory when he supports Connor in his request to not touch the killer. Even before interacting much with Connor, he respects androids despite his personal grudge (which always surprised me a lot, which makes me suspect that he is thinking in androids as living creatures quite early in the game). 

The whole club scene is him grumpy-ing about how humans don't want relationships anymore because they don’t want to deal with the feelings of the other partner (he explicitly said that). 

He says this after a scene before when Connor saw he was reading these:

He is also the main one in defending the lesbian androids' love. Which is another thing that surprised me. I was expecting his crappy grumpy “old ideas” there, but he was clearly surprised and a bit pleased that he identified love in them. 

I insist, his char is more emotion-sensitive than he truly shows because his depression.

He hates a too rational or too robotic Connor, but he warms quickly when he sees that Connor can empathise and feel and be confused. He loves androids getting emotional.

Hank is a wrecked man whose depression make him look like a “hard-boiled” char but he is far from that. I won't say he is an Ifan 2, of course not, but he is clearly more into emotions than any standard stoic grizzled char. He became asocial because he is tired of how this world works, and a senseless guilt for his son’s death is killing him. He is, after all, into a deep state of depression since he doesn’t care about hiding his suicidal tendencies and his alcoholism. Those things obscure his personality a bit. 

In fact, making more parallels, he and Carl share with their android-sons the opinion that this human world is crappy as fuck.They know the world crafted by humans is dark and cruel.

Carl and Hank have their own parallels as characters, they work as fathers in their relationship with their android-sons, they are also part of that dark world they despise (Carl is a rich person but too lonely in a world that doesn’t understand his “difference” (as a disable person as well as an artist); Hank is a person lost in addictions, in similar addictions that took his son from him). Putting aside their own personalities (which both are sensitive, but in different contexts), both of them greatly influence their son-androids, wishing for a better world for them, because the human one is terrible to them. They truly want to believe that a world made by androids could be a bit better.

It’s also their bond with their android-sons what keeps them alive. Markus was the one giving medicines to Carl in the beginning. It’s also Markus to whom Carl waited for before finally giving up to his ill body. Hank keeps enduring his disaster depression and suicidal tendencies just because Connor keeps him a bit sane. Connection is deeply important in these stories, because in both cases, if the androids remain “too machine”, Hank ends up committing suicide and Carl dies earlier. Their relationships with their android-sons are vital to both. [Check this video about Hank’s endings if he loses faith in androids]

Carl worries for the future of Markus once he is dead, for that reason he kept telling him that he needs to make his own decisions and be his own man. Hank, too, worries for Connor's future, so he becomes a supporter of deviants to the point to tell Connor that his life does not matter if it puts at risk the revolution that was going to be the future of Connor's people. The worry of the future of their android sons is shared.

Carl and Hank have a strong desire for their “biological sons” to be androids or like them. In Carl’s case is obvious, his son is a shame and a disappointment to him, and he explicitly says that Markus is his son instead.

In Hank’s case is the hell of a more complex sentiment. He has a deep wound related to his biological son. Connor being replaced with every death hits right into this wound, this constant reminder that his son is dead while this fucked up android can return over and over. The desire for his son to be an android that can be immortal hits him (which is a contradiction in itself, because he hates androids!), and probably this inner-silent cognitive dissonance makes him a bit more aggressive and sarcastic than usual. He is deeply affected by this fact, and still yet, in every death, he cares for Connor (if their relationship goes friendly).

I particularly love his dirty relationship with Connor, because it's not purely fatherly love, it's also plain hate towards androids that, he thought, were the responsible of  his son’s death. It's such a breaking point for Hank himself to start caring for an android as if it were a “kind of” son. I like to think in it as if it were the human equivalent of the “breaking the wall of the restrictive software” that we see in androids. Hank has this personal breaking point when he starts to care for deviant Connor.

All these small parallels are not by chance. It's a narrative well thought and every detail has been put there carefully. Clearly, androids of this intelligence are alive in its own way, and their parent-like relationship that they can establish with humans is as similar as the ones exclusively done between humans.

And this bond is as important as a human one, and it’s mutual. This bond doesn’t keep the humans alive only. We see that in the last scenes, it helps the androids to live too! when bonding with Hank determines if Connor knows about Cole or not, and that can end up in Connor’s destruction or Connor being saved. In that point, the mutual relationship of saving each other is based exclusively in how much they know each other, in how deeply they bonded and cared for one another. 

The final scene is a testament of how bonding works, how interactions change people, and how little it has to do with humans alone or androids. 

Then, we have Kara’s story. This story drifts a bit with the parallels found before, but still yet it works with the concept of parenthood.

She starts as a housekeeper/ children caregiver android and ends up as a mother. At first we believe that this is another of those parent-child relationship that we saw with Carl and Markus, but in the other way around, where the child is the human and the parent is the android. But by the end, we realise both are androids. Both chars bond like parent-child despite having no blood at all.

Probably this story is the weirdest of the three relationships because in the end, in both of them, the software is what led this relationship. I mean, it’s my way to interpret it at least. Alice was made to be a perfect child while Kara is the perfect mother for our capitalist standards (her model is made to be a house worker plus caregiver of children). So, to me, their relationship is not exactly challenging for them... they are working like their software was intended to; the only “anomalous” thing in this story is that they fullfil an android’s needs instead of a human’s. In fact, in this story, the only one challenging his software is Luther, who also becomes a parent in this android family when his model has nothing to do with protection or care-giving. 

He speaks about becoming what others need; which is not the case of Alice or Kara (this confused me a lot during their story). They are working accordingly their models; but it’s Luther who challenges his own model. Luther’s words describe his own story, not Alice and Kara’s.

When it comes to the conceptualisation of parenthood, Kara's story felt to me like a mere reproduction of the human concept. I didn't find it quite challenging, since Kara and Alice are programmed for it. The only new concept in their story is that they feel fulfilled interacting only between them. It’s like they don’t need humans to feel happy and loved. They can find that among other androids, they can learn from other androids, I think this is the concept to explore with them. Parenthood exclusively among androids. A concept of static family too; since they will live forever in the bubble of the perfect human family, showing that androids can also want to make families, that they claim not to be like human ones, but the hell they look like similar XD.

I mean, I liked it, but it doesn't bring any challenging idea to the parenthood concept beyond the fact that, clearly, some androids want to be family between them, without humans in the middle. In Kara’s story, that family is pretty humanly-standard and humanly-typical (putting aside the racial compound).

In a more challenging way, the couple of lesbians in the nocturnal club breaks more their software in that sense. They stop pleasing humans sexually and enduring disgusting human bodies, break their code, love each other, and want to make a family by their own, far away from humans.

With Kara, I think we explore more the concept of being or becoming someone for the sake of someone else, but this concept is not present IN Kara or Alice, but in Luther. From a heavy loading machine, he became a protector, a guardian, a kind of father in his own android way. I loved that challenge in his char, but I personally think this is a dangerous concept if it goes too far in humans. Nothing good comes from changing too much oneself, disfiguring oneself identity, to please another one. Maybe the parallel here is with Markus and Luther, both of them crafting their own identity, and part of it is a result of turning what others need.  Yes, there is something of the like there, in those two chars when it comes to identity.

I find this dangerous concept kind of ok in this particular case of Luther, in an android context, because it gives him control over himself; it’s his decision in the end, and it’s what gives him his identity, but I feel it’s a dangerous concept that maybe needed a bit more of exploration and some more parallels? I don’t know. I feel it needed more development there, specially because Kara and Alice are not example of this concept, quite on the contrary. They keep pretty fair to their models.

Kara’s story has no parallels with the other two beyond the fact that her motherly love keeps her going on. Or at least, I don’t see them. To me, it’s quite confusing that they stick to their program, yet Luther and the whole story of Kara is about changing oneself to become what other needs.

In a sense, Kara and Alice are accepting their software/nature, just not to satisfy any human, but another android. And Luther is the one taking this concept to the limit; he is now his own persona. This decision is a proof of being alive,  becoming his family’s protector despite not being his model's main goal.

[celestial-violencia]

10 Things to Expect as a Client – Preparing For a Tarot Session Pt. 2

Getting or considering your first tarot reading? Then this post is for you. Tarot readings can seem mysterious or scary. After all, how can a total stranger, or sometimes worse-a friend or family member, be able to dig up your secrets and know things you haven’t told them? How does tarot work? What should and shouldn’t your reader do?

One of the most frequent misconceptions about tarot readings are that all readers are mind-reading psychics. I have some bad news for you: most readers are not mind readers. “Testing” a reader by staying silent will result in the Universe giving you the message it thinks you need to hear…and if you’re sending telepathic signals to your reader that they can’t pick up on, this may not be what you were expecting. Does this make your reader a bad tarot reader? Absolutely not. Not every reader is psychic, period. Some readers simply read the cards and that is okay. Make sure you’re finding a reader that fits your needs. If you want someone who has more of a psychic connection, be up front.

The other thing to know about tarot readings is that they are not always love and light. Sometimes tarot can open up some heavy-hitting topics. The cards can indicate mental illness and sometimes even death. While you should never ask a reader to give you medical or legal advice, sometimes these topics do show in the cards. Your reader may give you general advice on the topics or ways that these topics may be affecting you emotionally, but again, do not accept any medical or legal advice from a tarot reader at face value and remember to consult with a licensed professional.

Another misconception is how a tarot reader presents themselves. Sure, some readers play into the stereotypes with their appearance or their shop appearance, but the majority of readers look just like you and me. There’s no wild costumes or anything crazy. Many readers now conduct readings in plain street clothes. So don’t be too surprised or disappointed that they might look “average” or be lacking the appearance of a “mystique.” They’re still perfectly valid readers.

So what happens when you get into the chair or video call from your reader? Your reader may ask you some basic questions to help get a better context for your reading, such as your relationship status if you’re looking for a love reading. Some people get defensive about this, but again, not all readers are psychics and need this information to read your cards in the correct context. For example, the 2 of Cups for someone who is single might indicate meeting someone new, whereas if you’re in a relationship it can symbolize being closer with your SO.

Your reader should be up front about pricing before the reading starts. Most readers charge by their time and these rates should be presented to you before you begin the reading. Many readers have you prepay before you sit with them, even if it is just a partial amount. But you should be clear on the price and how it’s measured. Your reader should never charge you for additional services such as curse removals, spell supplies, or anything along those lines. Those readers are scam artists and should be avoided at all costs. Your reader will never tell you things such as “You have a dark aura that needs cleansing” or “You have a generational curse on you that needs to be removed!” These people are not interested in helping you or giving you an honest reading. They just want to take your money. If a reader asks you to do anything along those lines, leave the reading.

If something negative does come up in a reading, your reader should have the tact and ability to broach the subject without being overly blunt or hurtful. Unless you’re paying for a tarot roast, your reader should be respectful towards you and treat these topics carefully.

Every tarot reader has their own tarot rituals. Some readers want their clients to shuffle the cards while other readers don’t allow anyone else to touch their cards. Some tarot readers cut the deck a certain way while other readers don’t cut the deck at all. There is no one right way of doing any of these things and they are personal to each reader. Do not worry if you sat with one reader who set up their rituals one way and then sit with a different reader who has set up their rituals another way. This should not affect the reading that you are being provided.

If you are paying for a reading and they do not tell you up front that they will be using a guidebook for your reading, I would be extremely wary of this. Some readers may reference the book for an oracle deck, but if they are reading verbatim from the guidebook, I would avoid these readers. In order to be a successful reader, you need to know your working decks inside and out. Not only is this unprofessional, but it shows a lack of experience. If you as a reader need to use a guidebook to conduct the reading, in my opinion, you are not ready to be a professional reader and need to obtain more practice before charging for readings.

Sometimes readers will give you homework after your reading. If you’ve been given a shadow work reading especially, your reader may give you things to do after your reading. These should not cost you any money to complete. Maybe they suggest journaling about experiences that are currently affecting you. If a tarot reader gives you homework, it should be something along those lines. Not “do this spell and it will fix your problems, and pay an extra $200 to buy the supplies!”

Some readers will record your reading. This can be an audio recording, video recording, or a written recording. This helps readers keep track of the readings they’ve done and enables them to go back and see how things have played out if you are a returning client or allows them to keep readings on record in the event that you want to request a copy of your reading at a future date. If you are receiving an online reading, most readers will email you a copy. Check with your reader before the reading.

These are some common misconceptions and practices for tarot readings from the client end. Always communicate with your reader and ask what their practices are as every reader has their own way of doing things. Don’t be afraid or feel like you’re bothering your reader by asking them about how to prepare for your reading and what to expect. Your reader should have a clear answer for these things. If they do not, don’t be afraid to cancel your booking or ask for a refund.

I hope this guide helps!