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thoughtsoahr · 6 years ago

Text

01/07/18

Pros? He kissed me.

Cons? He kissed me..?

Pros: very very caring, niceeee back, cooks!, interested in art, very smart holy shit, adventurous

Cons: quiet, says the n word (angerey), seems like needs time to get comfortable to, diff music taste,

I dont really know lol

After reading several forums and quora site on “my friend kissed me while he was drunk” “both drunk and he kissed me” “what does a drunk kiss mean?” my conclusion is still get this… INCONCLUSIVE :DDDD

Half of me wants to believe that he might actually be into me

Context: I had a huge huge crippling i-cant-even-study crush on him (friend for a good half a year+ at this point) for about a month prior to this engagement. I remember showing up to the house one time and i could not make eye contact with him because i would get nervous like who the fuck am i. I dont even know how this crush came about? I literally never thought.. Im kind of angry at myself that this happened it complicates so many things- now this is assuming he was concious of his decision to kiss me and didnt black out before this happened. Also we were both in his room alond when this happened for context? Brought me up to his room and closed the door, i didnt think anything of it bc i thought we were just gonna do some whippits but he pulled me closer kept asking me “wheres your boy?” “do you have a boy?” i would pull away because idk if i was confused nervous suprised all three? (mind you ive nevr gotten this close to a guy before let along kissed one so yes this was my first kiss) kept telling me to come back to his side, yes hefeltmeupundertheshirt and im pretty sure if my memory is correct started kissing me like small pecks on my cheek and i think it migrated to my lips and im pretty sure maybe like 60% sure i kissed him back on the lips but that is when i was like holy shit this is weird this is my friend! (thatihaveacrushonbutyaknow) also might have been because it was my first time having this kind of interaction with a boy of any sort so i was just a ball of emotions and horomones and just plain i dont know what to make of this so i pulled away and essentially cockblocked him by calling up my friends to come up hahahhahah ooops. The thing is im not entirely sure i like him like that. Sure i had a disgustingly strong crush on him for a good month before this happened but i feel like the events o fthis night really complicated my emotions and made me think “is this what i really want?” because crushes are one thing but relationships hooooooooh boy i have literall NO experience in this area. Crushes are fine, im really used to them and usually when i get a good one like this one was i bask in the gooey feeling for how long it lasts pining over the person (never acting on it) but i eventually just let it die out on its own because i know realistically i am probably leagues below the person im crushing on and nothing will ever happen. Also probably because im scared and nervous. I def have some self-confidence issues but thats another story :,) I always figure that if i dont shoot a shot and if i just admire from afar, no one gets hurt, no feelings come up, no one knows, nothing gets complicated. Anyways, that was the plan for this one. hOWEVER, this night we decided to do a power hour of soju (to celebrate the end of finals) so we were both pretty far gone at the point when he kissed me SO OBVIOUSLY somethin is gettin complicated up in here. After these events hes been messaging me and snapchatting me significantly more frequent than before and asks me what im up to and what my plans are for break and stuff like that which is… nice? (given i did message him the initial message after the said event happened bc i was asking a favor) I guess ive never had someone ask me things like that before and checked up on how im doing so it feels kinda foreign but nice...

The other half of me believes everything is too good to be true

Context: p much same as before? What are the odds i have a giant crush on someone and that crush ends up kissing me without me even mentioning im into him on his own accord? Again, given we were both intoxicated but still. No one has ever had a crush on me or done anything to act on it so my expectations and experiences are very very low to say the least. Lookit me im 20 yrs old and still hadnt had a first kiss( unless you count this one of course hahah)

I dont know if he kissed me drunk because he was just horny asf and being a typical fuckboi college boi and i was the closest person to him at the moment or if he was too shy to make any moves while sober so he used alcohol as a means to get closer. Because we were supposed to get blacked out drunk together on a separate occasion but it didnt happen bc i fell asleep beofre it happened haha some people on these forums say that drunk kisses mean nothing because both parties are drunk and it makes sense since when youre drunk you do things you wouldnt normally do sober, your inhibitions are lowered and you do shit you sometimes regret… but also for that same reason maybe he meant to kiss me he just needed to be drunk to make the first move.

The thing that bothers me the most is that he hasnt acknowledged the event, leading me to believe he either doesnt remember it at all (meaning the kiss meant nothing) or hes just too shy and has little dick energy to confront me about it. In any case, im planning on confronting him about it in the next two weeks.

I do get excited and somewhat happy when he texts me/ messages me though.

To not get my hopes up im just going to keep messaging him like hes a frind. Expectations low my friends, thats how to avoid disappointment. It is nice ot have a crush on someone. It kinda gives you something to look forward to or daydream about and it makes me feel warm inside and loved even though he probably doesnt fee l the same way or is oblivious to it all haha. Anyways ive been wanting to write this for a while so here it is.

#longposttogetmyfeelingsout

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