#im not even really a programmer yet

[devotedlystrangewizard]

i fully understand we dont need ultra perfect realism in games but there is a part of my brain. that really likes pretty graphics. there is a part of my brain that sees how raytracing is evolving and giggles in unbridled glee. i adore stylized games more than anything ever (my current favorite games are ultrakill, ffxiv, hollow knight, celeste, and rain world) but MAN.

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

tuesday again 7/29/2025

soup’s on

listening

i don’t actually know where this song came from. it feels like it just appeared in my liked songs. Chintamani by Céline Dessberg is sung in Mongolian and i cannot find lyrics for the fucking life of me but most interviews say it’s about a Buddhist treasure. it makes me want to take a summer afternoon nap by a pond. really cool musical project melding her French and Mongolian heritage by using western picking styles on a traditional Mongolian harp.

-

reading

an unfortunate tendency in nonfiction audiobooks is their arrival at a good stopping point and then continuing on for what feels like two more hours with added epilogues and information since the actual paper book came out.

cheated on libby and got this one through spotify premium. did Not love the narrator, whose every french word became just a garble of syllables. however, there was more than enough cattiness and infighting among the fucking weirdest guys imaginable to keep me interested.

a brief return to gay and lesbian erotica: i think a lot of f/m/m stuff is cringe but this one was mostly successful. it really helped that they’re all bisexual and they’re all insane and want to be inside each others’ ribcages like particularly clingy cats. despite my longstanding distaste for organized crime shit, perhaps the most sensible escaping-the-mafia side plot i have ever encountered

-

watching

i am going to slap my letterboxd review here.

i want more weird little indie westerns. i want people who’s aren’t millionaires to be able to make bad movies. however. sometimes a movie is very bad but it’s made very earnestly, or it knows how to be fun despite some elements not working, or an actor has decided you’re all trapped with him in this bad movie and by god he’s going to have a good time. this movie isn’t any of these things it’s simply bad. not a single element works. even the subtitles make some extremely bizarre and non-standard choices. if this were a video game it would be a unity asset store flip. if it were made earlier i could credibly accuse large portions of the script and music and every drone shot of being AI generated. it’s very disappointing that someone actively chose to make it bad at every of the millions of decisions that go into making a film. 

i can’t fucking believe there is no sexual violence in this film up through 24:00 which is when i bailed. what a low fucking bar. westerns are the worst genre i love

-

playing

instagram keeps serving me reposted tiktoks about hidden chests in genshin and EACH! FUCKING! TIME!! it is a chest i did not know existed. it’s like i don’t have eyes.

unrelated eevee

-

making

being unemployed for fourteen months really does a fucking number on your finances and credit score so i am attempting a low-buy month and absolutely no thrifting in august bc i will be working every single weekend in august. this is going to be fucking miserable but my paychecks will be slightly fatter. fun fact i have not stopped job hunting bc a $20/hr job is really not going to get me out of the hole im in but no dice yet.

with all that in mind, i am trying to finish projects i already have instead of thrifting different clothes. we are still ignoring the milkmaid dress bc im still scared of it. embarked on making some soup with my rit dye winnings from that giveaway earlier in the spring. got approximately sixteen yards of various trims for $12 at my favorite thrift store with the worst vibes and some of it (thank you oxiclean for lifting some storage and age stains. it’s just polyester machine made stuff it can handle oxiclean) got dyed and will go with this flocked snake mesh from my last joann trip. this will eventually be some lingerie, and barring a very dramatic change in the content matter of this blog this will be the first and last time this project appears. maybe if i do a Very good job attaching the lace a detail shot will appear.

i followed the directions and used an entire bottle of the synthetic dye for that trim and the bath still had a lot of dye left, so i overdyed this dress again. i tried dyeing this one way back in the winter i think, bc i meant to wear it to the rodeo before the measles outbreak happened, but the cotton dye didn’t fully penetrate the print and then i threw it in the back of my closet and forgot about it. the synthetic dye did a Much better job covering it, it’s still a little patchy under bright light but should be fine for going out. eventually i will touch up the piping in glow-in-the-dark embroidery thread and add fringe to the back but that’s a project for another day

[kremlin]

How DOES the C preprocessor create two generations of completely asinine programmers??

oh man hahah oh maaan. ok, this won't be very approachable.

i don't recall what point i was trying to make with the whole "two generations" part but ill take this opportunity to justifiably hate on the preprocessor, holy fuck the amount of damage it has caused on software is immeasurable, if you ever thought computer programmers were smart people on principle...

the cpp:

there are like forty preprocessor directives, and they all inject a truly mind-boggling amount of vicious design problems and have done so for longer than ive been alive. there really only ever needed to be one: #include , if only to save you the trouble of manually having to copy header files in full & paste them at the top of your code. and christ almighty, we couldn't even get that right. C (c89) has way, waaaay fewer keywords than any other language. theres like 30, and half of those aren't ever used, have no meaning or impact in the 21st century (shit like "register" and "auto"). and C programmers still fail to understand all of them properly, specifically "static" (used in a global context) which marks some symbol as inelligible to be touched externally (e.g. you can't use "extern" to access it). the whole fucking point of static is to make #include'd headers rational, to have a clear seperation between external, intended-to-be-accessed API symbols, and internal, opaque shit. nobody bothers. it's all there, out in the open, if you #include something, you get all of it, and brother, this is only the beginning, you also get all of its preprocessor garbage.

this is where the hell begins:

#if #else

hey, do these look familiar? we already fucking have if/else. do you know what is hard to understand? perfectly minimally written if/else logic, in long functions. do you know what is nearly impossible to understand? poorly written if/else rats nests (which is what you find 99% of the time). do you know what is completely impossible to understand? that same poorly-written procedural if/else rat's nest code that itself is is subject to another higher-order if/else logic.

it's important to remember that the cpp is a glorified search/replace. in all it's terrifying glory it fucking looks to be turing complete, hell, im sure the C++ preprocessor is turing complete, the irony of this shouldn't be lost on you. if you have some long if/else logic you're trying to understand, that itself is is subject to cpp #if/#else, the logical step would be to run the cpp and get the output pure C and work from there, do you know how to do that? you open the gcc or llvm/clang man page, and your tty session's mem usage quadruples. great job idiot. trying figuring out how to do that in the following eight thousand pages. and even if you do, you're going to be running the #includes, and your output "pure C" file (bereft of cpp logic) is going to be like 40k lines. lol.

the worst is yet to come:

#define #ifdef #ifndef (<- WTF) #undef you can define shit. you can define "anything". you can pick a name, whatever, and you can "define it". full stop. "#define foo". or, you can give it a value: "#define foo 1". and of course, you can define it as a function: "#define foo(x) return x". wow. xzibit would be proud. you dog, we heard you wanted to kill yourself, so we put a programming language in your programming language.

the function-defines are pretty lol purely in concept. when you find them in the wild, they will always look something like this:

#define foo(x,y) \ (((x << y)) * (x))

i've seen up to seven parens in a row. why? because since cpp is, again, just a fucking find&replace, you never think about operator precedence and that leads to hilarious antipaterns like the classic

#define min(x,y) a < b ? a : b

which will just stick "a < b ? a: b" ternary statement wherever min(.. is used. just raw text replacement. it never works. you always get bitten by operator precedence.

the absolute worst is just the bare defines:

#define NO_ASN1 #define POSIX_SUPPORTED #define NO_POSIX

etc. etc. how could this be worse? first of all, what the fuck are any of these things. did they exist before? they do now. what are they defined as? probably just "1" internally, but that isn't the point, the philosophy here is the problem. back in reality, in C, you can't just do something like "x = 0;" out of nowhere, because you've never declared x. you've never given it a type. similar, you can't read its value, you'll get a similar compiler error. but cpp macros just suddenly exist, until they suddenly don't. ifdef? ifndef? (if not defined). no matter what, every permutation of these will have a "valid answer" and will run without problem. let me demonstrate how this fucks things up.

do you remember "heartbleed" ? the "big" openssl vulnerability ? probably about a decade ago now. i'm choosing this one specifically, since, for some reason, it was the first in an annoying trend for vulns to be given catchy nicknames, slick websites, logos, cable news coverage, etc. even though it was only a moderate vulnerability in the grand scheme of things...

(holy shit, libssl has had huge numbers of remote root vulns in the past, which is way fucking worse, heartbleed only gave you a random sampling of a tiny bit of internal memory, only after heavy ticking -- and nowadays, god, some of the chinese bluetooth shit would make your eyeballs explode if you saw it; a popular bt RF PHY chip can be hijacked and somehow made to rewrite some uefi ROMs and even, i think, the microcode on some intel chips)

anyways, heartbleed, yeah, so it's a great example since you could blame it two-fold on the cpp. it involved a generic bounds-checking failure, buf underflow, standard shit, but that wasn't due to carelessness (don't get me wrong, libssl is some of the worst code in existence) but because the flawed cpp logic resulted in code that:

A.) was de-facto worthless in definition B.) a combination of code supporting ancient crap. i'm older than most of you, and heartbleed happened early in my undergrad. the related legacy support code in question hadn't been relevant since clinton was in office.

to summarize, it had to do with DTLS heartbeats. DTLS involves handling TLS (or SSLv3, as it was then, in the 90s) only over UDP. that is how old we're talking. and this code was compiled into libssl in the early 2010s -- when TLS had been the standard for a while. TLS (unlike SSLv3 & predecessors) runs over TCP only. having "DTLS heartbeat support in TLS does not make sense by definition. it is like drawing a triangle on a piece of paper whose angles don't add up to 180.

how the fuck did that happen? the preprocessor.

why the fuck was code from last century ending up compiled in? who else but!! the fucking preprocessor. some shit like:

#ifndef TCP_SUPPORT <some crap related to UDP heartbeats> #endif ... #ifndef NO_UDP_ONLY <some TCP specific crap> #endif

the header responsible for defining these macros wasn't included, so the answer to BOTH of these "if not defined" blocks is true! because they were never defined!! do you see?

you don't have to trust my worldview on this. have you ever tried to compile some code that uses autoconf/automake as a build system? do you know what every single person i've spoken to refers to these as? autohell, for automatic hell. autohell lives and dies on cpp macros, and you can see firsthand how well that works. almost all my C code has the following compile process:

"$ make". done. Makefile length: 20 lines.

the worst i've ever deviated was having a configure script (probably 40 lines) that had to be rune before make. what about autohell? jesus, these days most autohell-cursed code does all their shit in a huge meta-wrapper bash script (autogen.sh), but short of that, if you decode the forty fucking page INSTALL doc, you end up with:

$ automake (fails, some shit like "AUTOMAKE_1.13 or higher is required) $ autoconf (fails, some shit like "AUTOMCONF_1.12 or lower is required) $ aclocal (fails, ???) $ libtoolize (doesn't fail, but screws up the tree in a way that not even a `make clean` fixes $ ???????? (pull hair out, google) $ autoreconf -i (the magic word) $ ./configure (takes eighty minutes and generates GBs of intermediaries) $ make (runs in 2 seconds)

in conclusion: roflcopter

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯ disclaimer | private policy | unsubscribe

[missmarveledsblog]

Bet on it ( Bradley Bradshaw x Reader ) part 9

summary : two years have passed y/n has finished the programme and instead of staying back like she said she would she knew there was no place like home only the faces she most wanted to see were currently on a ship somewhere in the atlantic ocean just for a past video to blow up

summary : more fluffy fluff and no angst , time jump

previous part

Two years later: 

This was different so different to how  it was when she step off the plane four years ago now, standing off the plane feeling the sun hitting her face  and the san diego air hitting her lungs . every stress and worry melting off of her shoulders  , that blonde fucker was right to that place was never home this was even stepping off the plane it was an instant feeling . she did try the whole two years of being in new york she tried  her hardest to make it home but moment her uncle asked if she wanted to stay on or go back she answer probably embarrassingly fast . It wasn’t  all bad they did end up getting more funding and more entertainment to come to the kids but what started it was her favorite. They also got new head of the department six months into the program and actually finally started learning things they should of from the start apparently a skew of nurse report daniel for sexual harassment  not that she was surprised one bit . she even tried dating but it never worked out , like piece of her heart was missing and it was right her in fighter town. 

a bright beaming smile as she headed towards her dad who honestly looked like he was gonna take off and become airborne with how excited he looked . the two heading off to her new house one he view over and over for her . it had to be perfect his words not hers but it wasn't  an apartment it was a home.  some thing permanent to cement the fact she was actually home , sort of planting her own roots in a way . 

the only downside to the whole thing was they wouldn't  be there .  the timing of her coming home and both jake and bradley being deployed to somewhere in the atlantic for three months seemed to merge at same time. promises to hangout when they came back . over the course of  two year she was able to mend herself , build back up friendship with both aviators . both she and jake were best friends again and she and rooster where friends , something was always hung in the air though , something that even that space of time couldn't  stop . 

he knew it , she knew but neither said anything in fear it would ruin what they just got to the base of friendship . and even thought since the programme started so late she didnt get to visit that long or often maybe a few time when she did see him it was awkward at first  then it was got better . keeping in touch by phone , emails , text and facetime ,  something  that would be prolonged for temporary time frame . stepping out of the car there they stood the dagger squad holding beer and pizza in their arms ready to welcome her home and  help unload the box Mav had gotten out of storage for her.  a wave of sadness washed over when she stepped into her new home , when she was coming home first she thought it would be to a shared one not this empty one story house . now that she wasnt going to have that promise made so long ago it wasn't end of the world but it stung a little at a fond memory that never came to the future with her. 

“ you ok?” nat asked arm around her shoulder , yet her face and tone filled with concern . 

“ im good just surreal being home again … for good this time” she smiled softly. 

“ no leaving me with these boneheads i will pull you back kicking and screaming i've been lost without you, really it was torture  “ she beamed as they all rolled their eyes. 

“ they're  not so bad “ y/n mused. “ well now “ she added . 

“ we learned our lesson really we are still so sorry” fanboy gulp still feeling guilty  . 

“ he ugly cried … a lot “ payback blurted out . 

“ im sure it wasn't that bad “ she defended . 

“ it was “ everyone including fanboy called as his own face grew hot and red. 

her first day back at work beth almost crushed her excitedly even marcus got one of the bone crushing hugs from the wonderful and divine nurse . pretty much everywhere she went she was shown once again why it was home. from the hard deck to the hangar restarting an old tradition as she carried the box of food in ton the base nearly first hand viewing  fanboys “ ugly” crying face as he ate , he wasn't the only one it looked like the all would  . she was happy to be there really but honestly it felt like something or some people missing.  the blonde and brunette men she adored more than life itself .  

he woke up the creek in his neck  never would  get used to the bunks on board . sleeping on the floor would be more spacious and comfortable but if he had his had his way he would be home , seeing her , seeing y/n the little comfort she would be there when they got back but still .  he tried dating , he tried moving on , not one of them were it for him not even close  to feeling what he felt for y/n but if she was in his life as his friend he could live with that  it was a month into the deployment he read her letters and email talking about how happy she was to be home and how she definitely  didn’t miss the cold weather of new york , she would tell him about the house something bittersweet to the both of them but he was happy if she was .  Still he hope the feelings would go away  ones that just kept creeping up on his , like she had a hold of him body , mind and soul .  finishing get ready he barely had time to rub his eyes walking lazily down to get breakfast it was strange he could of sworn people were looking at him .  even when he walked into the canteen seeing jake being surrounded by females wasn’t new seem tall and blonde was a favorite anywhere they went . But one did a double take like her eyes lit up and she whispered to the others soon they were all looking at him . 

“ wow it’s really you “ she smiled up at him 

“ sorry do i know you ?” he asked taking his seat. 

“ oh no but we know you “ her friend winked  as he and jake shared a look. 

“ can we get a picture ?” the first woman asked .

“ erm sure why not “ he shrugged thinking people were still talking about the mission he went on with Mav for a while he was a celebrity among his fellow navy officers . 

“ hangman how come you never told us he was your friend “ she cooed arm squeezing bradley arm pulling it from her grasp  as he sat and ate his breakfast. 

“Why would i , it’s just chicken “ he snorted seem to be out of the loop too . 

“ rooster  “ he corrected. 

“ well if you need anything rooster let me know “ she smiled seductively hands gliding on his shoulders. 

“ i’m good thanks though” he shook his head eating his food last thing he needed was a hook up on the ship , yeah she was hot but she wasn’t doing it for him that way . 

Throughout the day it was getting more and more confusing , handshakes and hive fives from people he barely even said hi to or more women given him blatant fuck me eyes as he was in the gym . Even someone said he sounds great it was probably one of the strangest day he ‘d had on the ship in last month . now he was ready to go sleep enter dream world were life was better til jake stormed into his cabin . 

“ you and darling y/n  are viral “ he panted holding the doorframe as bradley shot up in his bunk almost hitting his head. 

“ what you mean viral”. 

It was strange day , from moment she started her morning routine before work walking into the cafe she could of sworn she felt eyes on her the whole time , the barista seemed a little nervous as she took her order . every stop light cars honked at her waving as they drove past . it didn’t stop when she got to work not even a bit she felt like it was worse when she felt the eyes on her and strange comments began from patients, their parents and even coworkers . she could of sworn she heard people humming a familiar tune . she checked herself over in the bathroom probably way too many times thinking it was her clothes or something on her face . it wasn’t til beth and marcus pulled her to the breakroom beaming smiles on their faces . 

“ so you weren’t gonna tell us you were famous huh ?” beth crossed her arms and arched her brow only for y/n to tilt her head in confusion . “ it’s all over that clock app so don’t lie to us missy” . 

“ she means tiktok and every other social media website  shit it’s even on some news outlets “ marcus nodded excitedly. 

“ did you both hit your heads why would i be all over tik tok and news outlets “ she snorted only their eyes widened .

“ shit i thought you were being humble , you really don’t know do you ?” beth asked . 

Before she could say anything further marcus pulled out his phone showing her the video , one taken two years ago in the hospital in new york  , the day bradley and jake came to visit the kids . 

Clear as day it was her and bradley singing great balls of fire and the millions of views that showed making her eyes widen even more she was sure they would pop out and her jaw would fall off and hit the floor . 

“ your famous baby “ beth chuckled as she looked up completely shocked. 

“ the hospital posted it as memory thing along with other entertainers but you and rooster are all over the place its insane “ marcus smirked . 

“ i need to talk to bradley “ she gasped looking down at her own phone seeing messages from everyone from her friends to people she hadn’t spoke to in decades reaching out and yet none of them where who she needed now . 

The moment he got the chance he went to check it out and what was worse was he didn’t even have to search for it .  he couldn’t help smile hearing her voice hit his ears or her smile shit if anything it made him miss her even more and hate his deployment more . He was curious when he hit the comments  and jesus he was going to need  holy water to cleanse himself if he thought the women on deck were bad well the comment section made them look like girl scouts it was just at him hell he seen shit ton about y/n and even about them together . He couldn’t help chuckle at some saying the bumped into them saying they were married couple how he wished he could say it was true  or even in a relationship  at all .

He now sort of understood how the attention on deck changed , some blatant on the fuck me vibes  , some asked him to sing to them it was definitely his strangest deployment that was for sure . yet in the reality of it all , he just wanted to talk to her , make sure she was ok during this whole chaotic situation . so when jake offered to switch call time bradley jumped at the chance. It would of been midnight there he was sure now hoping to even get an answer but the relief hit the moment he saw her face pop on the screen wearing an over sized shirt , hair in a messy bun  showing she was in the comfort of her own home .  looking ever part beautiful to him , wishing he was there in every sense. 

“ roo hey shit ok so happy to finally called but over the last couple of days , you are not going to believe what happen , but trust me it’s real” she said looking wide eyes and nervous . 

“We are viral “ he asked making her nodded with vigor . 

“ good you know but honestly what the fuck “ she broke out laughing. 

“ oh i found out , been hearing it non stop but shit it’s not good as us “ he winked as his head fell back that laugh that made her insides melt . 

“ guess we have the fan base set for out tribute band huh “ she joked. 

“ oh and then some i’ve been offered so much head” he snorted only for her face to fall it was for a spilt second  . “ but i  didn’t except it groupie thing isn’t for me “ he covered almost studying her reaction . 

“ well if we’re bragging i haven’t had to pay for a single drink in hard deck last night … although they tried getting me to sing after a while “ she snorted. 

“ yeah can only sing with me hope you told them that” he winked as she flushed . 

“ of course i did  … you said same right “ she asked . 

“ course told them i only sing with y/n or too her now “ he said watching her eyes soften like something shifting in the conversation almost a flirty air to it . “ you’re ok though cause that really what  i wanted to know ?” he said not being able to take his eyes off of her. 

“ i’m ok it’s strange to say the least it’s a video from two years ago “ she snorted . 

“ have you seen the comments?” he asked feeling brave . 

“ i’m afraid to not gonna lie “ she winced . 

“ mostly positive and some out there but  most positive as i just said other than it’s a pr stunt from the navy and hospitals “ he chuckled. 

“ i wonder if recruitment went up “ she joked . “ i’ll read them “ she added. 

“ good i got  to go sweet girl this is gonna cut out  get some rest and no singing with anyone but me “ he smiled softly . 

“ be safe … and same goe for you “ she said before the call cut .  he could help smiling so widely as he headed down the hall , standing a little taller , something was different and yet similar something from the past , something good . 

“You talked to her” jake smiled . 

“ i think i might be able to get her back “ he beamed . 

She sat on the bed her book long forgotten as she stared at the now blank screen . she could easily pretend it wasn’t that way but something was different , flirty and intimate in that call . like she couldn’t stop herself letting what she wanted out by its own accord and now she felt herself berating herself and yet telling herself at same time it’s what she wants right? .

Hitting the call button  as she sat looking up  at her ceiling . 

“ i think i’m fucked “ was all she said thinking of what to do with her feeling hitting her all at once. 

last part

taglist : @peachmartini @shanimallina87 @kawaiiskeletondragonbanana @paisleebubbles @emosrkool

[normystical]

okay, here's the character concepts i have so far for the "dating" sim.

for a bit of context btw, you don't date, you can unlock sex scenes with each character but without all that icky romance stuff lol, i'm making this concept bc i'm aroallo and frustrated at mild inconveniences :P

first of all, the ones i came up with first are the succubus and the object head, since what inspired me to make this was disappointment regarding a fanmade helluva boss dating sim and two different object head dating sims.

the succubus is female, probably the generally "ideal" female body proportions, her personality is very flirty and suggestive. not much to say there.

the object head wears a suit and is very refined, proper, all that jazz. i haven't decided what object yet. i might avoid the typical tv thing and try to go for something else, but i'm not sure what. maybe some generic "stardust" thing? like 🌟 or something similar?? no idea.

i also came up with possibly the idea of throwing in a computer or some other basic piece of tech for the techum folks out there. i was at first thinking of giving it a face on the screen and/or a voice, but... now, tbh, i'm considering the idea of it only chatting through text it generates on its own screen. like, maybe it's harder to interact or a less common route or whatever since you have to directly interact with it to know it's a possible route, yk? probably some public use computer like at a library or cafe or something, and generally doesn't even bother chatting with the other people/entities, since they only just use it for casual purposes and whatever. sorry if my wording is off rn, maybe im tired, ugh... anyway, perhaps it's testing out some text and you respond to it, to its surprise (like maybe "hello world" as the specific text? i thought of the idea of it bringing it up on screen just to reminisce earlier days of its "life" and omfg >_< sobing), or you make some offhand comment while chatting with another character about computers being kinda hot, and the computer's fans start spinning. but yeahh, the idea of you being the first to really give a damn about their existence :3 they're *technically* anattractional, being a computer and all, but the appreciation is there ^^ (and the capability of sexual pleasure lmao. albeit not through traditional means,,)

i'm struggling to come up with other ideas. maybe a vampire and a nekomimi? i'm considering making the latter very short, a lil chubby, and shy, but that's only because i lack characters to try and give the particular traits to, lol. if anyone's sexually attracted to any other archetype or concept that involves a nonhuman, please let me know!! i'd love to have more ideas to add to this concept, even if i'm never really gonna end up making it;; (maybe i could somehow get programmers and artists to get attached enough to the idea tho ehehe,,)

[lemedstudent2021]

heeeeey it's me :) asking the uni advice again - how did you pick? what drew you to the uni you go to? any advice you would give?

also how are you finding studying medicine? i used to want to study medicine but i am definitely not a stem girlie i am a politics person through and through

hope you are well :)

hiya :DDDDD

aight so starting with uni we have 2 main universities in my city so to speak, while there are several others both in the city or its vicinity (next city over) it was always going to be between these two, so advice #1 is narrowing down ur options!! if u can apply to the closest place to u it pays off soso much imo, makes life so much easier and belive me u want all the help (and shortcuts) u can get!!

also adding to that both my parents teach at the same uni so im very lucky to have the advantage of coordinating with them lol. its my dads alma mater and several of my aunts and uncles', so aside from accessability ig u can say its been a home of sorts away from home? i even went to the school (thats a thing apparently lol) for a year and a half lol so i know the campus like the back of my hand XD

--

the way applications work here is that every year after the national tawjihi exams everyone in the country applies to whats called alqubool almuwahad (literally; unified acceptance) and based on that u get sorted and accepted into unis and programmes based on seat availability and ur gpa.

here medicine and engineering have the highest pressure (?) so its very very competetive, and if ur an international student (as in ur certificate isnt jordanian like ya girl; i have an american highschool diploma technically lol) while ur certificate goes through an equivalency process ur chances are even slimmer bc the priority is for national students. anyway

i knew id be studying something bio/ health related, as much as i adore the humanities and languages science always had my heart lol, so when i filled out the application it was medicine and medical laborotaries (biomedical science in the uk iirc) and i got accepted alhamdulillah to medical school in the two universities i applied to and chose the one closer to home (thank GOD i barely get to lectures on time lmao) making advice #2 is finding the thing you love and are willing to work for, very happy for u checking the box already!!

--

now why i applied to med school to begin with is a funny (and very long) story lol, but in brief i was never planning on being a doctor. most people have an inspiring story or its a dream of theirs whereas i was chilling right up until the last second XD i was planning on applying for applied medical sciences (biomed) and breezing thru the 4 years of uni, and my grandfather encouraged me to do so, saying med school was a long road (my eldest uncle is a doctor and my grandfather was also in healthcare) and i was like bet :]

and then seemingly out of nowhere he encouraged me to study medicine lol bc its a better investment on the long run and opened more doors in the future (tbf true), and i was like ill pray and see where it takes me, but me and my parents were all firmly nah we good. BUT THEN

slowly yet surely my parents were like if u want to study medicine you have our full support, we wont pressure you into studying anything (sadly this is a thing here, idk why so many people practically force their kids into studying what they dont want :') like those of us who willingly signed up for this are barely scraping by lmao. anyway)

and then *i* started really considering it. i was really uncertain and on top of that the entire world was itself uncertain (graduated hs in 2021 so this was all post covid and so much had changed and it was hard to guess what was going to come next etc) and then med school applicants had to take another exam (not entrance per se, its bc there were so many of us that year they had to narrow the numbers down) and between that and acceptance letters coming out my grandfather passed away.

i think my journey thus far in uni has been full of grief and love, and im sure therell be lots more down the line, but it does make me a little happy sometimes when i think of my grandfathers whom i miss very dearly and how were proud of me, and how much it means to my grandmothers still. it keeps me going. if not for me then for them.

i know i said id be brief lol but i couldnt help it sdksjdksskjd. im doing well alhamdulillah <3 hope u are doing wonderfully and tysm for the ask!

[2036sator]

hiiii :3 what r ur opinions on the characters in the cgvl and lha? Character wise, design wise, etc... (including freedom guy 🤭) I'm just really curious :3

[[ AA dude i’m gonna go so in depth w/ this !!!! this is personally from what I recently discovered from these characters so , i am kinda new to LHA and CGVL ,, not freedom guy tho lolol ]]

[[ Let’s start with LHA ^_^ ]]

> FREEDOM GUY - design wise … absolutely cool i can’t really explain how much i enjoy doodling him no matter what design he has , always loved the old design !! Red scarf is iconic to him and made him stand out even if its a bit plain… but other than the old design, new design kitt recently has made im ssooooooo inlove with how he became so …. HE LOOKS SASSY AT ONE POINT LOOOKING AT HIM FOR HOURS . his old design with his iconic hands on his hips pose already made me think he was all shiny sassy star that everyone praises of lllolololol 7_7 character wise by personality is great overall , he’s a code yet he is so , humane that being the therapist plus saviour is tiring even for a code sobbbb ilove gushing about freedom guy if u can’t tell

> FROST - design wise ? Love it . I would say that I love drawing Frost as well as much as I love to draw Freedom Guy :3 Character wise … very kewl…. I need to see more of frost stuff ………

> TANGERINE - DESIGN WISE AAHHHH OHMYGOD I have something for orange sticks idk why but she looks so cool i never actually noticed she even had like scars until i went thru deep into the LHA bloggers just to noticed she has like two or three scars like WHAT !!! Character wise , If she went to my school I would wanna be her friend tbh she seems fun to be around ^_^

> CION - Design wise is just… chefs kiss , I love drawing her marble head and drawing her in my design where she has like kind of maybe water ish? Or fire ish blob around it just bc I can’t see her with hair so instead I just made blobs that made to look like she has hair el o el ,,,overallll!! Super cool I love cloaks … Character wise is yes , just yes . Ilove the looks can be deceived like how Cion and Tangerine is the same just different fonts

> LUCKY - hhhahah lucky block…. I made Lucky’s head more not circular bc srsly I would totally believe lucky if xe told me xe was birthed from a lucky block. So it’s more geometrical? Character wise ilove xem ilove hackers and I don’t know much of Lucky ,,,still xe’s super cool either way

== WOOOOO CGVL IS NEXT ==

> SCRIBBLES - from what ive seen im surprised this is actually and technically the leader of cgvl and its just , a little scribble stick ( in a positive way not insulting ) , probably my favourite... ( i cant decide with scribs and rose ) ,,, character wise!!! ive seen a little bit of scribbles story and im cheering so hard scribs is so cool and with the programmer lore and everything going on is super interesting and all overall really cool character , easy to doodle when im bored in school

> VIX - oh jeez . can we get vix neutered . / LIGHTHEARTED JOKE ... Unique creature , i love the head design even though it sometimes confuses me when i try to doodle the back of vix :9 ., character wise .. freaky .... you a freak girl!!! also!!! I LOVE cannibal characters when they're all actually attached to a person then they soemtimes can't get over the thought of eating them ( filling them with guilt ) i love when cannibals feel bad for what they are ( technically its a parasite for vix's case but still!!! )

>ROSE - ohhhhhhhhh i almost tripped when i saw rose , pink characters save me ... shes so pretty by the design wise category .. made me jealous of her gender smhhhh.... character wise , mischievous thief and i would let her steal my whole house if she wanted to

> GEO - i wanna squeeze geo but i cant :( character wise by what ive seen from like interactions(?) and lore , its really interesting and really cool ( reminds me of another interest i have but who cares ) still i understand how frost would baby geo

> ENTI & BUG ( NO IMAGE NOOOOOO MY LIMIT NOOOOOO ) - big guys so cool they would absolutely obliterate me . i dont know them much but i wanna know more about them .... i need itt...

[mojo-is-rising]

Hi!

This is your Secret Santa for the OLNF SS event :) Do you mind telling me a bit more about Mickael and Kewin? For example, do they have any favourite foods or places they like to hang out with their respective love interests?

PS: Your MCs are cute! I really like Kewin's design in steps 2-4!

Hello hello! Arrgh this is the first time anyone asks abt my ocs, thank you a lot! I always try with my designs to make people you could just realistically find walking in the street so im glad you liked that! Mickael is a big, bigggg night owl, he prefers to prowl during the night and in the future he works during the night too, as a programmer or in other IT jobs. He usually prefers places with less people as he rlly struggles with loud noises and other strong sensations. Going to the diner at night or the bridge with Qiu is a big hit! Familarity is also important to him, going to new places or changing the schedule may throw him in a loop. So, staying at home is also a big preference, playing videogames or getting high with company (Qiu) is one of his fav pastimes... He's very picky with foods and usually goes to stuff you'l usually feed a child, the reference i put on the google docs is a little outdated - but during step 3 he's significantly underweight (just how it shows in the ref) - while in step 4 he gains a big of weight due to healthier habits (which is something I hadn't developed yet in the ref!). Him and Qiu kinda of have a "us versus the world" stand and i imagine they'd isolate themselves (with Qiu being at their worse in step 2 and mickie at step 3) up until step 4. With Kewin, its a bit more complicated to put his habits into words....uhm...imagine a lone wolf who sticks to the edge of the pack and spends a lot of time looking into the moon but not howling! People will often describe that he "Smiles with sad eyes" even if he's genuinly happy, he just has a chronic sunken expression. He loves natural places, the furthest from the city the best, loves the forests, rivers, mountains, the sounds and the strong smells of dirt, rain and fungi! He's a big, big nerd about nature, the animals and how the world may work - which is what brings him close to Tamarack in the end - so thats where they spend most of their time! If tama is sad here he goes gallivanting into the woods with her and pushes her off her insecurities of being "unlady-like". He'l eat about everything but he loves big, greasy food, all saucy and meaty - with a beer to go with! With Qiu he mostly goes with their whims and takes the backsit, unlike with Tamarack, and goes with them to ballet class, the back of the school and be aloof in their backyard - though he usually refrains from going to populous places with them. Remember, always at the edge of the pack but never in the center.

[sirensea14]

Did i leave a review on Still Wakes the Deep? I think not yet. Anyway, here's me screaming shit about Still Wakes the Deep.

I fuckibg love the story, compact, well-written, fucking heart wretching and tense. Its gameplay? Terrifying, u need to be stealthy and shit against jiggly flesh monsters who can speak. The music? Adds more to the atmosphere. The voice acting? Very fucking natural! Even if ur only watching the gameplay, the dialogues felt natural as if you were there. I even learned new curse words to use. Props to the Chinese room, programmers, VAs, artists and others who took part in the game😭😭 the story made me emotional and ive watched it for the 4th time now (i watched eddie play it, uncensored ver. Lol, juicyfruitsnacks, super horror bro and then jacksepticeye. Im still waiting for markiplier to play it 👀)

The game was so thrilling and emotional that i wish it was all fake and they all continue their darts tournament. I wish they were all just alive and well. They didnt deserve shit --except for Rennick and Addair, Roy was the best man, Brodie the prick, Finlay the intelligent and Caz the goodluck charm. 😭😭😭 And addair and rennick, i hate them. We only got to know them shortly but they are easily hate-able because of how they are so well written. (I also love that hair dryer joke by caz in the cafeteria XD joke never gets old, just like him oof) And caz's reaction to everything? An absolute chad, he's brave and he's scared yet he did and cursed holy words🗿very demure, very mindful🧨

I really fucking love this game, it was so high quality but it had to end there. The rig was a small area after all. Also the fact that the rig was fully modeled was fucking amazing. It was built like a cheap rig (what you'd expect from greedy managers) its not like those other games when hacked, you'd see darkness and the room/area of where the player is. But in Still Wakes the Deep? The devs just said "Nah, full model, full of bumpy flesh and shiny oil." I fucking love that. There should be more games like Still Wakes the Deep. Psychological game, monsters are unpredictable, fucking terror in all scenes of the game and great storyline.

In summary: pros and cons of the game

Pros

Beautiful graphics, realistic VAs, emotional story, terrifying gameplay, yellow paint thay guides the clueless(like me), fully modeled area, disgusting yet amazing monsters, rennick and addair dies

Cons

Short lived, the characters didnt deserve to die (except for the two angry peeps)

Thats all for my tedtalk, thank you for reading

[alyssalikestoreadbooks]

All Systems Red - Martha Wells

""As a heartless killing machine, I was a complete failure."

In a corporate-dominated space-faring future, planetary missions must be approved and supplied by the Company. For their own safety, exploratory teams are accompanied by Company-supplied security androids. But in a society where contracts are awarded to the lowest bidder, safety isn’t a primary concern.

On a distant planet, a team of scientists is conducting surface tests, shadowed by their Company-supplied ‘droid--a self-aware SecUnit that has hacked its own governor module and refers to itself (though never out loud) as “Murderbot.” Scornful of humans, Murderbot wants is to be left alone long enough to figure out who it is, but when a neighboring mission goes dark, it's up to the scientists and Murderbot to get to the truth."

Read Date - May 13th, 2025

Length - 144 Pages

Genre - Novella, Sci-Fi, Fantasy

Rating - 7/10

Stars - ★★★★☆

Notes - gotta start by saying-- I READ THE BOOKS BEFORE I WATCHED THE SHOW. aren't you proud of me?! i'm kidding (not about the not watching the show part) but also i think it's a testament to how badly i want books to become adaptation that that's all i'm reading right now. that, and series. i digress however, and i'll get into this review. i like how this book gets STRAIGHT to the point. i like how, even though it's a quick starter, it's very descriptive and brings me straight into the novella. i love every detail i'm fed. i love how awkward MurderBot is, and how it uses its time to watch and read media. it's interesting to hear how it... is? pieces of it are human, but not all. other pieces are cyber-robotic pieces. it's hard to tell how much of it is human. it feels pain, numbness, can shiver etc. but it can also clamp it owns arteries when injured and regrow organic components. it's NOT human. the crew finding out what Murderbot looks like was honestly SO CUTE TO ME LIKE AWWWWWW MY HEART. IT'S SO AWKWARD IN THE MOST ADORABLE WAY POSSIBLE. it really is just a non-human imitating a human at this point. the talk of how it views itself as a robot is very interesting because of what i'm about to bring up, if you havent somehow caught on yet-- it DOES use it/its pronouns! because it's NOT human, and doesn't conform to human standards. this is WHY it's so awkward, and I BELIEVE why it doesn't like NOT wearing it's uniform. it wants to be a robot, to not identify with its human qualities, to just be programmable and its own version of normal. Murderbot is basically confirmed asexual, even mentioning that it wouldnt matter if he "had the right sex related parts" because he'd still find sex boring. SAME MAN. SAME. this bot is so autistic im saying it. im ALLOWED to say it as an autistic person. its autistic as fuck and i vibe with it. the fact that it lost efficacy beacuse it THOUGHT about talking about its feelings with someone? FOR FUCKING REALLLL MANNN like YESSS I LOVE YOU. them CARING about it's feelings? "you're upsetting it!!" and saying it's a slave and basically implying it deserves to be free?? SO COOL. i didn't think we'd get to the point that fact, the talk of how wrong this is. i wouldn't even know where to begin myself because it's not human, doesn't use human pronouns, wants to be a robot, you know? it's a toughie! i love how over a month of knowing these people, it decided "these are MY humans". it's sweet! it cares more than it thinks it does. the reveal that all the humans on the other base were murdered by their own SecUnits is... interesting. not what i expected. i thought a monster would get them. MurderBot getting knocked out (or, system failing) is also interesting and i loved ever minute of the dialogue. it felt so... human, yet i know it isn't. and in turn, i like hearing the crew (Menza? am i spelling this right? joys of an audiobook!!) care about MurderBot, saving it, and caring for it when it's injured and can't defend himself. MurderBot being forced to kill himself in very phewwww like wowwee. the crew finding out that MurderBot is rogue is soooo ahhh!! like no words. no words! the mystery of this novella is really good. what is killing the people? the secunits? the hub? it's GOOD okay? i'm still shocked that they know MurderBot is rogue and are grappling with that fact. i like how all the characters are dynamic and different. they have their own feelings on MurderBot's existance. MurderBot specifically talking about how calling it "half human half robot" is unfair because it's not half of ANYTHING-- it's fully confused. fully lost. it cares about it's crew, but that's all it knows. these HUMAN PEOPLE turning out to be the ones who hacked the system and came to kill the crew and MurderBot is a sick ass reveal and i love all the dialogue MurderBot has. it's so assertive and confidence!! the book ending with them escaping and buying his contract and it leaving is so?? i can't wait to read more.

[greenplantlizard]

go-busters 1-6!!!

in a world fully reliant on a single source of miracle energy

the honest to god millennium bug seeks to steal that energy to help it escape from another dimension, via use of a frenchman and a bunch of household appliances (their name should totally be Bugrus or Buglass or something along those lines right, officially naming them Vaglass is a Toei Romanisation fuck-up, right?)

only three people with highly generic powers and highly unusual weaknesses have the power to play the highest stakes game of tower defence ever devised

their name,,,,,, tokumei sentai go-busters!!!!!

and in the part of the show IM watching this for, three robots try not to let their anxieties over their idiot buddies kill them

yeah the main trio of this one haven't quiiite grabbed me as characters yet

i dont dislike them or anything, i just haven't felt a spark yet

except with maybe hiromu, it's interesting to have a red ranger who's kinda blunt and standoffish, even if none of the others are compensating for his humourlessness really

the buddyroids though? hell yeah i would watch a show that's just them fighting enter's ability to speak terrible french

enter does at seem pretty charismatic though, and while messiah is a very Generic Big Bad kinda floating head, his tendency towards screaming his orders is fun to me

i do enjoy the established mechanics at play here, though i will admit to being a little worried that the show might get hamstrung by how rigid they are

how many ways can you have episodes structured around a mech battle to stop the villains doing the Big Succ before it gets boring?

i could be wrong, and i hope i am, but hey

however, that mech action? fucking COOL

i am not immune to SICK GIANT ROBOT JUMPS

so yeah, cautiously optimistic might be the best way to describe me going into this

despite the fact that you may have noticed i dont have as much as usual to say about the individual episodes this time

other than the fact that if my co-worker and surrogate brother broke a wall trying to punch my head in while acting like a cartoon villain, i too would burst into tears and get rather nervous around him for a while

super sentai, giving kids a fear of hospitals and injections since 1976

relatable scenarios: have YOU ever become a cartoon villain if you grip to hard? have YOU ever collapsed from lack of sweets? or have YOU ever frozen at the sight of a chicken? we have a special-ops programme just for you!!!

damn these guys got their base invaded in episode 6, goranger is shaking their heads in disappointment

IT'S TIME FOR SPECIAL BUSTER

i have been warned never to translate go-buster oh to go-buster king, i wonder why

[izzycodes]

LOA 😭😭 this whole time i've been so interested in learning computer science because i used to be an 11 year tumblr blog coder (not rlly but you know what imean, just being silly and adding things in like colors and <body> lol. BUT i sighed up for the free harvard intro to CS AND ONLY 30MINUTES IN, I CANT FOCUS AND IM DYING???? is this not for me, im so scared and its only about binary codes omg....... lowkey heartbroken

Hiya! 😊💗

I totally understand where you're coming from. It's completely natural to feel overwhelmed when diving into something new, especially with computer science. Remember, even the most experienced programmers were once in your shoes - I was complaining how I find things hard at work right to someone the other day because I don't understand the code and the project overall!

So, first of all, take a deep breath and give yourself some credit. Your interest in coding and your past experience with adding creative touches to your blog already show that you have a foundation to build upon. Starting with the Harvard intro to CS is a big step, and it's okay to feel a bit challenged at the beginning!

Binary code might seem intimidating, but it's actually the basis for all digital information. It's like learning the alphabet before you can read and write. Try not to let the initial difficulty discourage you. Break things down into smaller chunks, and don't hesitate to review concepts or seek additional resources if needed - I do this all the time! There are plenty of tutorials, videos, and online communities, such as on here, that can provide different perspectives and help make things clearer.

Learning computer science is a journey, and it's okay to take your time, I really encourage you to take you time~!!! If you're truly passionate about it, don't give up just yet. With patience, practice, and a positive mindset, you'll start to see things fall into place. And remember, every small step you take is progress. You've got this! 🥳

If you need any help or have questions, I'm here to support you~!

[dreadisdelight]

PLEASE DONT READ IT YOURE SENSITIVE TO LGBTQIA+ TOPICS!!!!!!!!:

sometimes i just sit there and wonder what i identify as.

i grew up in an area where i didn't have much representation of anything, "gay" was an insult and colours were dedicated to specific chromosomes. if you grazed football as a girl, you were seen as a tomboy alongside if you even looked at claires you were just odd. i think some messed up part of me still believes that, despite every fibre in my being disagreeing with it. there wasn't much representation of being homosexual in a form or another, mainly just jacqueline wilson books i peered into with such curiosity and utmost wonder.

it sort of struck me that i was different when i was much younger too. hell, sleepovers with girls scared me since they smelled so "sweet" or they were much prettier than me. we all watched films with the odd kissing scene and wanted to peer into the mirror, maybe attempt at looking into it without shame. it didn't stick, yet it didn't wipe off. i kissed a girl on her cheek in my bedroom when i was about nine, fags the most ive ever done, and i don't count it fully either. i kissed a girl on her hand too but still, that doesn't count in my books. nobody ever had the "it's okay to be gay" talk with me but they never had the "being gay is a sin" either. it just sat uncomfortably in the room. all the pins and homemade flags were just pretty colours opposed to something with significance in this world. ive tossed the majority of the relics besides a pin i bought when i had a sense of freedom for the first time but that's about it at most. we still haven't talked about it, and we don't intend on it either.

i remember my mom watching a tv programme with me, her eyes flickering towards me whilst saying "i don't get why people come out. i get where she was coming from, as if it was natural, but she was also the figure who never brought up these sort of conversations. the woman who made me feel a sense of crushing burden when i felt a sense of anger. i just shrugged it off, and never gave my views on the matter. i think if i had the confidence, i would have said something along the lines of "it's because we live in a society where showing who you really are needs courage".

i think i did tell her i was pansexual when i was younger too, this was during a mist of things where id say random bullshit to them as a joke, hoping they'd want to linger nearby. i haven't said a word yet.

gender was another thing that puzzled me, which still does. i never really thought much about it, i just thought you were female, male, or non-binary. that's it. no more options, just three buttons and you could click one. i used to lie awake, my mind thinking about issues for me to go 'holy shit am i trans??' which obviously still happens; why would i be writing this out otherwise? i dipped into being demigirl to nonbinary to immediately agender and i sort of sat there, sticking a label on it like they have to me with other diagnoses. i go from wanting big tits and being the epitome of feminine beauty to wanting to have top surgery and going by a new name. i know gender is a spectrum, but some part of me knows everyone around me wouldn't accept me, thinking im more mentally ill than i am.

i don't know why i decided to type this out either. maybe to give myself clarity instead of chastising myself for what's happened in my world.

ive only ever dated afabs. one cis. one somewhere between demigirl and nonbinary and the other transmasc. i know i hurt them one way or another, and so did they. i speak to one of them a few times now and again but for the other two, i apologised to one of recent and it's stuck to my mind. the other i fucked up so bad it hurts to look into a mirror. i think amabs scare me and i don't know why. i attach myself to older guys in films and loosely to other people, remarrying shane in stardew over and over again. one minute i have a preference and then it drastically changes.

my friend once said that people who are lgbtqia+ must have some evolutionary default in them, which i believe heavily. i have autism and probably some other stuff undiagnosed (my autism is clinically diagnosed yall) so that checks out. i saw a survey a while back that most people who are lgbtqia+ are diagnosed professionally or self with something along the lines of adhd, autism, and other mental disorders. but that's all we are. disordered motions, grasping onto conclusion.

maybe one day i will find somebody and it will make perfect sense. maybe i won't find anybody. for now, i know that i can only try, and when i try i collapse in tears wondering why nobody likes me.

[idealspawn]

throughout my journey on growing as a person somehow the only thing i still havent managed to resolve or find the deepest true cause for is my insecurity regarding my intelligence. every single evidence from outside authorities is screaming in praise and approval of my level of knowledge yet i am filled with such anxiety. i dont know how to not let my high standards lower my self-confidence. i think its good that i do have high standards too in a way but not the anxious perfectionism that comes with it. ive thought maybe im unsure about my competence because i feel like i dont belong. in university since ive had an unconventional route, i sort of lack like a group of coursemates (ive changed universities and now im in like an exchange programme so i havent had and dont have the same curriculum as anyone). so i dont know what i should know and what i shouldnt. like what prior knowledge others have. i dont know where i place in the context. i dont know what is stupid to bring up and what isnt. google also told me that maybe its like the dunning-kruger effect where the more you know the more you become painfully aware of how little you know. i guess thats true. i also in general am like programmed to seek for irregularities (i study philosophy and have a background of doing a lot of things requiring close analysis and pattern recognition) so maybe thats why i only see whats wrong in my work or opinions even if that actually forms a small portion regarding the whole. usually my professors dont even pick up on those things i think are massive logical fallacies and am afraid will fail. i literally only get praise and they are so so so credible too, its not that i get approval from people who dont know any better. i dont know. i have all these explanations in my head but not one of those hits the nail on the head. ive gathered that what relieves my anxiety regarding.. well anything.. is just acknowledgeing it. like cracking the code as to whats the underlying deeper cause that projects itself in this belief, insecurity. but i cant seem to ever get it. i wonder is this too small of a problem to go to a psychologist. right now its not too bad but i actually get like weird intense uncontrollable nervous anxiety twitches and breakdowns from the pure thought of how little i know and what others think of me. im most afraid that they think that i think im smart when in reality im so painfully aware that im speaking on matters i feel i dont have proper knowledge of (yet i must because its an assignment). though i think its pretty apparent that im insecure, at least during presentations or speaking in seminars because of the way i speak (hesitantly). i know that to wait until i truly know sth before i speak is a lost cause. you cant ever fully know anything. and its like. so what if im wrong. nothing happens if im wrong but im so terrified of it. i guess ive tied my intelligence to my identity quite a bit but i dont know if that is it either. i guess you could say i should care less abt what other ppl think but in other areas im so confident and sure of myself i dont know why this is manifest only here. i know im actually quite capable at least compared to some people and there are periods where i do get my feedback on an essay or task and i feel really sure of myself but its a very very small slice of the time. i know comparison isnt proper but its also so necessary and inevitable in my field of study, i cant seem to avoid it. ive genuinely resorted to paying a lot of attention to my looks and makeup that makes me look cute and kind in order to hopefully cause the halo effect that when im silent or say something stupid i get the benefit of the doubt.......... its stupid. but im that afraid :/ of coming across narrow-minded.

[chizukao]

made even more ocs because i can't stop myself fkfjvnndndnnd.

left two are fraternal twins who fell apart when they were younger (reason undetermined), then discovered they were both separately stalking their younger brother (on the right) in their late 20s. they don't have names yet, so they'll be referred to as left and right.

left is the brother; he's a straight-a student attending college. everyone at school sees him as very put-together and admirable, but little do they know he's actually extremely controlling and possessive, especially when it comes to his little brother.

right is the sister; she's a shut-in programmer who uses her tech skills to stalk her younger brother without him realizing. she also dyed her hair to match the green streak he dyed in his own hair.

as for their younger brother, he barely remembers his older siblings (he was like. a toddler when they left home/were kicked out/whatever, and they haven't had contact with him or their parents since). he's in highschool and a bit shy, but he loves to game and hang out with his friends. he has zero clue his older siblings are stalking him.

not really sure what direction im planning to take them in. i think i want left and right to have a bit of a rivalry going on, but also they start to secretly take interest in each other/stalk each other after finding out how similar they are. and they have confrontations and maybe kiss. etc. as for younger bro, i think it'd be really funny if he remained oblivious the entire time, and/or maybe ended up being reintroduced to them in a normal way.

yeah that's all i got for now. thanks for coming to my ted talk!! <3

[trolagygirl2022]

im not looking for a reading but mainly advice do u have any tips on feeling less apathetic? ive ruined my once good sleep so many times that i no longer have the energy to truly enjoy something for myself because my energy is always taken by something ir someone else. im not kidding it takes me 5 minutes around some leeches and my batteries will be drained in an instant.

i couldnt even watch a whole programme the other day because my dad likely has adhd and or is just attention seeking and kept being a distraction all the way thru it and on top of that and other people who have usually been arseholes or they jsut like to make my life harder than it needs to be. i dont really like them anyway i have no desire to fit in socially anymore, my cat is messing up my sleep and ive got a concert im going to that now i dont know if i have any particular feelings towards it cause im just wasting away atp and concerts or anywhere where theres lots of people is incredibly draining but i didnt want to pass up on this group i love and its weird i love a foreign group but i cant find the same love for anyone around me all the time is that normal? and i had been trying very good to keep sleeping at right times and i just feel thay im losing my mind slowly but surely cause i keep getting these distraction campaigns and other shit i have to do or react too. people just take my energy and drain it then wonder why i dont want nothing to do with anything anymore that and its like i can pour my heart into a friendship only to realise the same "friend" didnt really gaf about me anyway so yeah im rather bitter and apathetic and it sucks so any advice would be moderately more delightful rn. i dont think therapys going to do nothing ive tried it before but i wind up with the same feelings i had some time ago and nothing really amends it honestly shits been getting bizzare for years now and it just slowly pushes ur buttons. even if i try something im too tired to keep going with it or i force myself to like it because if i dont then ive got nothing else i really like doing so i overdo it on my interest then also get burnt out and bored of it quickly. and i dont want to fix this issue with filling it with things that in the long run still wont make me truly enjoy whatever it is i want to do. honestly ppl in victorian times were lucky they had the plague and some other shit going on that got rid of them quickly but modern life is like a slow painful forced existance where i dont end up caring much for anything.

also nothings worked out in the past literally it feels like people are against me being happy and successful. and if im not a social person due to having always been around the worst sort of personalities then what is there to really seek out in people? they all end up being the same knobhead as the previous one aka usually a self entitled prick who only cares about themselves. then theres the whole its usually the attention seeking pricks who are most adored praised and pitied for just about anything even tho it should be clear as day that they are the biggest arseholes to ever exist whereas quiet people often get nitpicked at for simply trying to exist in an overcrowded place where people mainly want something for themselves and they often dont seem to care how their actions affect others anyway? do u get what im yapping about. its been my problem for years now in fact more than a decade people have been purposefully trying to bother me even other alleged grown adults have acted like worse toddlers that are stuck in adult bodies. sorry for yapping but idk what else im supposed to do. jts like when people do something just to prove u right about them and im like yeah ok i get its how theyre wired but it dont make me care that deeply for wanting to belong anywhere yet it feels like if we dont belong anywhere fomo kicks in and that sucks even more.

For me I think the best way is to put myself in their own shoes. Like I would say most times I'm a pretty empathetic person but especially when I think about myself in that person's position. You should also try discussing this with a therapist or some professional! Take care 😊