#in need of consolation these days and ghalib never disappoints

[abd-e-khuda]

There's a bitter after taste that comes as a part of growing up. Never would I have imagined parts of my life to be the way they have turned out. Of course, there is the hikmah of God in all of this. But some realities feel like a slap in my face; it's as if they are mocking me for not having done better, chosen better or chosen otherwise. I firmly believe that there is always a choice in life. Whether or not these choices are difficult or easy or align with our interest or liking is besides the point that we always have a choice. So when reality brings me face to face with my choices, somewhere I find myself feeling guilt and regret.

I make a promise to myself to act differently but somewhere that guilt and regret is buried. And it is good that it hasn't left me, because then I would forget. Human beings are forgetful. Sometimes the weight of these exhausts me, I feel as though I have lived many lives in this short span. Yet there is much I haven't seen, lived, experienced.

I used to think I was patient. I am now realizing what it really means to be patient. I feel that I'm a block of stone that is being chipped away at to result in a beautifully crafted statue. As painful as the process may be, painstakingly slow, it is worth it.

I can pick out so many flaws in myself that need to be worked on, but this is the one thing that I am proud of myself for doing. For understanding or attempting to understand everything through the lens of God's wisdom. Even when I have called out to God, complaining, I am proud of myself that I have not called out to God questioning His judgment. Alhamdulillah for all that has been granted and for all that He has kept away.

An apt couplet from Ghalib:

غم ہستی کا اسدؔ کس سے ہو جز مرگ علاج

شمع ہر رنگ میں جلتی ہے سحر ہوتے تک

The sorrow of existence, Asad, has no cure but death. The candle burns in every hue until the break of dawn.