#it didn’t start angsty but it sure did end that way woops

[medusanova]

Finally getting around to sending this prompt: I'd love to see a mash-up / fusion of Fate and The Shadowhunter Chronicles. Particularly in the context of Sky and Riven being parabatai and how that works in the Fate universe. 👀 (or any of the characters as parabatai would be v cool too- like, Bloom and Aisha maybe?)

There is nothing I love more than the complexities of a parabatai bond — and I could never pass up on a sky/riven moment, especially when I found these as inspiration..

It’s been three years since Sky laid eyes on an Elapid demon. Not since the portal to the dark realm had been closed for good.

Or so they thought.

For a few seconds, it’s the only thing that takes up his vision — a swarm of scaled creatures crawling around Alfea, neither serpent nor insect, their jagged claws buried into the spines of his fellow specialists and tearing them to pieces — before the rune on his neck tingles and the image fades.

Just in time for Sky to duck and roll away from the snap of its teeth.

Amber-colored venom drips to the ground, sizzling into the cobblestone where Sky had been frozen in place just seconds ago.

The demon’s cobra-shaped head turns in his direction, red eyes bleeding violence and hunger, only to stumble back with a piercing shriek when an arrow gets embedded into its neck.

“That sword in your hand? It’s to defend yourself from things like that,” a low voice taunts from behind him. Sky turns in time to see Riven aim another marked arrow, sending a shockwave of an angry yowl through the village when the sharp tip grazes the top of the demon’s head. “Would be bloody helpful if you used it right about now.”

The sardonic words make him smile despite himself, sending the unsettling flashback to the back of his mind. Shaking his head in amusement, he pulls the seraph blade from its scabbard, letting it illuminate his hand with a soft, divine glow.

Running toward the demonic creature, he arcs through the air, dodging a taloned arm, and slices through one of the demon’s legs — just in time to sidestep another one. Taking advantage of his crouched position, Sky pierces his blade through the underside of its belly. It explodes in a shower of burning ichor.

He turns to face his partner. “Two!” he calls out, breathless from the headiness of adrenaline.

“One and a half,” Riven shoots back with a smirk. He plants an arrow into the head of the third and final Elapid and doesn’t even stop to make sure it’s fully banished to the demon realm when he stows his bow away, strutting in Sky’s direction. Cocky bastard. “I helped you with the first one.”

The lightness in Riven’s voice, however, doesn’t match the intensity of his eyes as they absorb every detail about Sky. Gaze determined and evergreen. So intense it never fails to feel like Riven’s hands are slowly checking over every inch of him.

Like it always does, Sky’s heart pounds against the prison of his rib cage at the sight, sending a pulse of warmth down his spine.

It took years for Sky to understand that look. That unwavering stare. Intended to painstakingly ensure the soul bound to Riven’s was uninjured, unharmed. But once he did, once Sky allowed himself to feel the full weight of Riven’s attention, well, it’s been a steady descent since.

Sky does his best to shrug it away as they head back to the institute, tucked away behind a First World trinket shop in the middle of Blackbridge. “But I was the one to kill it.”

“I knew your hero complex would go to your head one day, I just didn’t expect it to be so soon,” Riven teases, bumping his bicep — inked with the rune identical to the one on his neck — into Sky.

“Weren’t you the one who told Silva we didn’t need a team for this patrol?”

Riven scoffs. “Like I could’ve predicted an Elapid nest? I know a higher level of demon activity has been reported, but where the fuck did those even come from?”

It’s a good question, actually. They weren’t even supposed to be on a mission today, just an ordinary patrol. One they’ve done countless times without encountering Elapid-level demons. It’s relatively uneventful most of the time, but today they stumbled upon a swarm of them for the first time in years and Sky—

He thinks of lifeless eyes, of blood-soaked grass squelching beneath his boots as he surveys the loss of his fellow warriors. Of the cries of pain and sorrow pervading through Alfea.

“Sky!” Riven warns urgently, pulling him out of his daze.

His body responds before his mind can even process the words, flattening to the ground as a demon flies through the air just a few feet above him. Sky’s palms sting from the cut of the cobblestones when he clambers to his feet, scanning the area around them for the nearest source of danger.

An Elapid demon comes at him seconds later, swooping with a visceral screech. Sky grunts as he blocks its leg with his seraph blade and pushes it back, his teeth gritting together with effort. From his periphery, he sees another leg loom over him, ready to spear through his body, only for it to get pierced with a marked arrow, exploding in a splash of ichor.

The demon howls and Sky strikes, swinging his sword through its neck. Black-green blood splatters onto him, biting at his exposed skin, but the thrill of killing the demon, of sending it back to the hell it came from, is much more powerful.

He turns to face Riven with a grimace. “Thanks for having my back.”

“Always,” Riven replies easily, and the smile he sends Sky is devastating, entirely out of place on a battlefield. “Except for when it’s Silva. Demons I can handle. Silva’s lectures? You’re on your own, mate.”

Sky’s about to tell him that Silva’s lectures are pretty much exclusively reserved for Riven when he hears an all-too-familiar scuttling sound. He barely has time to lift his sword when there’s a blur of movement, a sickening squelch, and—

Riven screams.

Sky’s body is hollow as he stares at the claw that’s run straight through Riven’s thigh, blood glistening on its black shell. It starts to shudder as though it’s about to jerk upwards – three, two, one, – and tear Riven in half.

Sky moves without thinking, spinning past his parabatai to sever the leg off at the back, thrusting his sword through the demon’s belly with an anguished, vengeful roar. He doesn’t even care to watch it be banished to the demon realm, and just turns to catch Riven as he collapses backwards, sinking to his knees. Two bound souls on the ground.

“Always the bloody white knight…” he gasps, sounding half out of it already. Sky fumbles for Riven’s hand, his fingers sliding in between his. “A lot of blood, Sky. It’s- my thigh. There’s too much blood.”

“I know,” he says, catching his voice before it cracks. “It’s okay, just- just let me get my stele, okay? We need a healing rune and-“

“N-no. Won’t work. Too much blood.” Riven exhales a short, mirthless laugh. “I don’t- it’s not going to work.”

“It will, okay? You’re going to be fine. Where I go you go, remember?”

“Sky don’t... I’m fine.”

But it’s not. It’s not fucking fine because Sky can feel their parabatai bond weakening by the second. Can feel the life-force that constantly exists within him, the axis of his whole world, fading away.

Riven just rests there on his chest. His breaths shallow, his fingers trembling against Sky’s neck, and his eyes trained on Sky’s face. He flinches when something wet drips onto his cheek, but he still doesn’t look away.

And Sky knows, he knows that a healing rune on Riven’s body isn’t going to be enough to fix him.

He knows that there are some wounds that are fatal wounds — heads crushed by stone, stomachs pierced by swords, hearts stopped with lightning — that are just too big, too permanent to heal. A femoral artery ripped apart by a demon is one of them.

But there’s nothing in this realm, nothing in this world or any world, that can stop him from reaching out with a bloodstained hand to draw one on anyway.

It’s not his best. He’s too shaky, too frenzied to make it his best. The lines aren’t sharp or precise and he can’t even breathe much magic into it like he usually would—

But then the rune glows. Steadily brighter and stronger than he’s ever seen. An iridescent blaze of light that beams through the village and nearly blinds everyone in it.

When it fades, any remaining demons are gone — expelled in a series of cataclysms that reverberate through Sky’s knees — and Riven has stopped bleeding. There’s a spiked claw on the ground next to his thigh and the skin where his wound should be is whole, unmarred. As if he wasn’t just on the brink of death. His puddle of blood is nothing more than a rusted stain that’s faded into his black gear.

Sky feels their parabatai bond flare against Riven’s palm on his neck, red-hot and electric. The rune on his bicep grows as hot on Sky’s chest as the liquid fire in his gaze. He breathes Sky’s name, hushed and reverent.

They haven’t looked away from each other.

Sky doesn’t say anything in reply. He just stares back at Riven, droplets of sweat and pain still caught in his lashes. His chest feels warm, his body heavy. Like he could stay here forever. Riven held close to chest, their feelings burning like heavenly fire through their bond, the rest of the world a universe away.

Sky and Riven. Just Sky and Riven.

There’s a sharp crunch of boots and Silva falls to a crouch beside Sky, startling them both out of their reverie.

“What,” he says in complete bewilderment, “the fuck was that?”

[thoschei-rights]

A collection of Who fic ideas I cant be motivated to write

SEASON 12 FINALE SPOILERS INCLUDED.

some of these are really shit half-ideas and some are just so bad, im sorry but i need someone to write these bc i suck at writing- ilysm

1. So Clara can’t get back to Trap Street because Gallifrey is gone and I doubt its coming back this time, because they don’t deserve it- but imagine if Clara unknowingly arrived on Gallifrey, saw the destruction and then saw a small gaggle of humans making their way towards the broken citadel and she’s like oya oya I smell a conspiracy- and thus we get Clara there, and are you telling me when she finds out the truth, she isn’t going to smack The Master round the face because he’s the only Time Lord left in the Universe and she needs to get her anger out at them somehow- idk where it goes from here but I think about Thirteen and Clara a lot.

2. The Master is that child on the cliff with the Timeless Child, I’ve seen this idea around and I love it but I have no idea how I’d really write it, I just love the idea and want more people to write this thanks??

3. Angsty plot but imagine if Yaz, Graham and the other two humans got into the Cybersuits and couldn’t get back out? Like the suit took them? Thought oh hey new flesh yum good stuff?? And woops Graham you doylum you accidentally converted the four of yall into Cybermen while thinking yall clever. 

4. Someone needs to write Thirteen finding out where she’s from though, and hopefully she finds out her original race aren’t all assholes and she has somewhere she actually belongs. Make it Madagascar 2 style like at first she feels like the odd one out, doesn’t fit in, does something wrong and feels outcasted, scared to be alone again but bOOM she isn’’t and someone is there for her, heck even give her parents or smth, i just want her to belong, to have a family she knows wont leave her after only a few years like all the companions do, someone of her own species who dont age in the blink of an eye like humans- :’) am i trying to redeem myself for all the torture i put thirteen through

5. The prison is Stormcage and River hears about the fact they have a new maximum security prisoner and they are really rare bc sure the universe has lots of psychos but only the worst of the worst land themselves in the block the doctor is in and she’s like hmm I wonder- and boom prison break happens as soon as River finds out who it is and whats just happened to her :’)

6. Dhawan!Master barely escaping Gallifrey with The Doctor, the two forces to escape in the same Tardis since its the only one in range, but he’s been hit ever so slightly by the death particle, enough that his body is forced to regenerate and he becomes Missy and Thirteen is just on shock because OH it all makes sense now- Missy didn’t revert to her old ways, she’d not BEEN Missy yet, and finally there’s some hope in the Dark for Thirteen. Also Thrissy because I’m gay for Thrissy.

7. That 12.9 ending scene but instead of just standing in shock and fear and anger, the Doctor paces over to the smug bitch who just yeeted out of that boundary, slaps him across the face and then snogs the fuck outta him. Thoschei rights. Preach. 

8. When The Doctor blows the Matrix, her wiped memories start coming back to her and while in prison she has to experience some of these returning terrors alone, with no comfort. Lots of angst. Make it really dark and sad. Make me sob my heart out. 

9. The Matrix takes more energy from Thirteen than she thought and when yanking from Yaz’s hold to go blow up the Master and the Cybermasters, she collapses from exhaustion and is unconscious while Yaz takes her place and sacrifices herself. When Thirteen wakes, its too late and she has to live in a Universe with no Yaz, just even more shit for her to try and process, its all too much. 

10. Somehow rumour of the true creation of the time lords gets out among the stars, it suddenly becomes common knowledge, “did you hear about the doctor?” “the time lords experimented on her, as a child, stole her dna for themselves” and “they wiped her memories, forced her to revert to a child” and maybe even “i heard they trapped her in a confession dial for 4.5 billion years-” “wha- 4.5 BILLION years?” and suddenly everyone knows the time lords dirty secret but they also know the fragments of the doctors past, and eventually these rumours reach people who know her well, her friends whom are still among the stars, Bill, Clara and Me, Jack, River, hell anyone you wanted, and these companions are like shit we need to find the doctor?? maybe some of them break her outta prison or?? maybe some stumble upon her after shes reunited with the fam and the fam end up finding out too, after thirteen tries not to let them know too much?? idk?? this one is very ambiguous on details so go with it as you want

11. any form of feral baby thirteen. just anything where she snaps at any point will make me happy. just give me. give. me.

[zankivich]

Teacher’s Pet: A College AU - The Epilogue Part 1

a/n:  I know what you’re thinking....bitch why did this take so long? but like here my out. I started a whole other plus-size woman series, I got writer’s block, school was shit, mental health was shit, and this motherfucker is still like 15k long! so I broke her up into two parts. She’s angsty and cute and hopefully real? idk. I really hope you like. Let me know plz? K bye. 

*Six months later*

“Shawn Peter Raul we are going to be late!” You yelled.

You were late. You were so fucking late, and Karen was going to kill you. You’d only been given one job and that was to get Shawn to graduation on time and in his cap and gown. It had only taken him stepping into the shower beside you that morning to fuck that up. Woops.

“Babe, I can’t find my tie!” He called from the bedroom.

You tapped your heel impatiently against the wooden floors.

“It’s on the dresser next to your cap where I told you it was thirty minutes ago, bud. We gotta go!”

He came walking out in his black slacks and those boots of his that always clacked against the floors. His mother had asked him to wear the tie and it really was going to look beautiful against the backdrop of his floral button up. Your mans was sort of beautiful.

“What?” He asked at the smile that was clear on your face.

You shrugged pulling the tie around his neck to tie it for him.

“Nothing. You just look really good.”  

His fingers came up to touch your waist and you grinned.

“Yea?”

“You know you look good, asshole. Stop flirting with me. We’re late.”

“But you’re so pretty.” He hummed. “What are you doing later?”

“I’m going to see this concert later actually. I got tickets to an Ed Sheeran show. Hear, the opener’s supposed to be good.”

Shawn snorted. “I don’t know. I heard he’s shit. Kid’s got no stage presence.”

“Yea, but he’s kinda hot. Who cares what he sounds like?”

He swatted playfully at your ass for that one before you finally are able to get out the door.

You get to the venue just in time for Shawn to line up with the graduates and you just barely made it to his family, out of breath and sweaty. But, as long as Shawn got to fucking walk everything would be fine.

It had certainly been a hell of a rollercoaster the last few months. Shawn’s spring semester had been hectic to say the least. They had released his first single to astounding reception and everything had blown up since then. He was performing two, three, sometimes four nights out of the week and doing twelve credit hours on top of that. It was more work than either of you had been prepared for, and it definitely wasn’t easy. You snapped at each other sometimes. You got lonely when he was away, and he got lonely too. Sometimes you went weeks without seeing one another. But, he always came back to you. And every time you heard the door open, his keys in the bowl, the tapping of his boots against the hardwood floors, you remembered that it was all worth it. You grew closer because of it, and the fact that you came out of it on the otherside was just a testament to how much both of you were willing to do whatever it took to stick together.

Graduation day was a huge affair for the Mendes family and it was impossible not to get swept up in their energy. They were excited to watch Shawn graduate, and you had the biggest sense of pride as well. After all you had been the one to watch him come home from shows at two in the morning just to write a paper for class the next day. You had sat with him when his anxiety had been at its peak and he hadn’t been able to breathe for minutes or hours at a time. You were there for every low but you were also there for every high. The first time he’d met Ed Sheeran and Andrew had told him that he would be his opener for the North American leg: fifty shows of getting up and playing for an audience every night. You were there when his single had debuted in the top 10 on billboard, and Teddy and he had popped champagne in the middle of one of the practice rooms on campus. You got to watch him live his dream and it was the most beautiful thing in the world for you.

He walked across the stage all overly long limbs and that adorable fucking goofy smile with a diploma in hand. It’s everything you ever wanted for him and you’re so proud that maybe you somehow smudge your eyeliner. It definitely isn’t by crying though, no sirree. Not at all.

Aaliyah catches a picture of Shawn lifting you up in his arms to kiss you just minutes after the ceremony ended and it might just be your favorite picture ever.

There’s a big, huge dinner with Shawn and all of his friends to celebrate their achievement. The excitement of the day reminds you of when you finished undergrad and the feelings that came with that. It really was an incredible achievement and watching the pride of his family and friends as they all celebrated him felt better than good. You just loved knowing that he had done it. He’d gotten the degree and the dream and he was going to go on to have everything he ever wanted. Your love for him meant that watching him get it all filled you with a joy unlike any other. Because you’d never meant anyone that deserved happiness like Shawn did.

You’re sitting at one of the long banquet like tables engrossed in a conversation with Aaliyah about boys, when he comes for you. He had a corona in his hand which he placed beside your much more sophisticated Old Fashioned and his fingertips were icy where they touched gently at your neck.

“Can I steal her away for a second?” He smiled at his sister.

She nodded excitedly shooing each of you  away with both her hands as Shawn tugged you to the dance floor. He wrapped his arms perfectly around your shoulders not even giving you a chance to do anything but sway awkwardly back and forth. But that was the only kind of dancing you wanted to do anyway.

“Hi.” He whispered peering down at you with nothing short but adoration.

You wrapped your arms around his waist in return smiling up at him with similar sentiments.

“Hi.”

“I feel like I haven’t seen you in a very long time. I don’t know if I can let you graduate again if it means all these festivities will keep you away from me.”

You snorted. “You’ll be happy to know that graduate degrees are a lot less of a to-do. Besides the fact that we drove here together, and I saw you thirty minutes ago.”

“Sure, babe, but I had to sit with all those other people for like three hours. And then my mum and my dad made me take more pictures than that photoshoot I did last month. I didn’t even want this party. I’d much rather be cuddled up at home with you.”

“That’s actually really sweet. We’re together now though. Isn’t that what matters?”

He rolled his eyes playfully pulling you closer against his chest so that your eyes no longer met.

“I guess.” He sighed. “Look, I have something I wanted to talk to you about.”

You stilled under his arms, both of you no longer moving on the dance floor.

“What is it? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong, sweetheart. I actually talked to Andrew last week. With how well the single has been doing. And the youtube endorsement and the shows with Ed. I’m gonna be able to pay off my parents debt for my college.”

“Babe! That’s incredible. I know how much taking care of them means to you.”

You tried to pull back to look at him, but his arms only tightened around you.

“You’re right. It means a lot to me. But, I also found a place. It’s uh--it’s close enough for you to drive to school every day and close enough for me to get to the studio or anywhere else I might need to be. It’s not in LA or anything like that. It’s just barely bigger than the place you have now but...it’d be ours. If that...if you wanted that.”

Your heart stopped. Your feet stopped. Everything came to a crashing halt. His arms which has been holding you captive broke easily when you tugged away. Shawn could easily take you with brute strength but the knowledge that you wanted him to let you go was all that he ever needed to be stopped. The two of you had talked about moving in together since that day in the beach. It had seemed incredibly unrealistic at the time, mostly because you were two broke college students with no way in hell to afford a Californian apartment. But, that hadn’t stopped you from fantasizing, from whispering to each other in the bed that you shared at night. It just never looked like it would actually happen. For Shawn to surprise you with it on his own graduation day was absolutely ridiculous, and absolutely the kind of thing he would do. And maybe that’s why you were so incredibly in love with him.

“I’ll get a job. I can use my stipend to chip in with rent, but if I work at a bar or something on the weekends? I can help even more.” You smiled.

He frowned at you. “What? Why would you get a job at a bar when you should be focusing on school? Y/n I’m not asking you to pay anything here. I just...I just wanna live with you.”

You could see the softness that seemed to radiate from your gentle giant of a boyfriend. He was always fairytales and roses and nothing else. Of course he’d never ask you to pay anything. But, surely he had to know you and know that you’d never live with him and not hold up your end of the bargain.

“I want to live with you too, Shawn. So, so much. I’m not doing it for free though.” You assured him.

He brought his hands up to cup your face, massive hands covering the majority of your face as he pressed a kiss to your nose and forehead.

“I love you.” He mumbled. “Let’s talk about the details later. Will you move in with me? That’s all that matters right now.”

You knew he’d try to talk you out of it with all of his might. You knew you’d have to stand firm,and that eventually you’d get your way. But every now and again fairytales and roses weren’t such a bad thing. If anything he’d taught you that.

“Yea. Yea, I’ll move in with you.”

“Yea?!” He grinned wrapping you up in his arms again.

“Yea!”

That night you watch him live out his dream in the most tangible way imaginable. On stage in front of twenty thousand people. And you can’t help but remember that night at the bar for the first time. When he just wanted to impress you with his guitar and his words. And he had. Watching him made you stop, made you take notice of every twitch of muscles and every note that came from his lips. You had two favorite Shawns. One was in the mornings. The days when he had decided not to go to gym and you somehow woke up before him. His curls would be wild and matted in some places and the pillow always left red lines on his cheeks. He was beautiful. The other though, was on the stage. His button up would be sweaty and sticky on his back and his eyes would be so wild and bright, so much brighter than the lights even. It never seemed to matter if it was three or three thousand, but every time someone sings the songs back at him he just exudes a happiness unlike anything you’d ever experienced. You know that the stage was his home in the way that he was home for you. And there’s nothing you love more than getting to watch him have that.

It’s only a thirty minute set but when he comes off stage that night he’s alive and full to the brim with energy. He hugs his mum and his dad and his little sister, but when he gets to you he kisses you like it’s maybe the last time he’ll ever see you. And he wraps you up in his arms and doesn’t let you pull alway, not even for a second. It’s like something about his love for the stage transfers to you, and if that’s not the biggest fucking compliment you’re not sure what is.

“Come with me.” He whispered.

He’d barely changed out of his shirt from the set, hadn’t cooled down or anything, before he tugged you into the crowd with everyone else. One second he’s the focal point for everyone in the arena and the next you’re just fans, you’re just people in the crowd enjoying the music. And it’s beautiful and wonderful and you completely forget that your boyfriend is Shawn Mendes, that that means something now. He’s just yours and you don’t have to share him when you’re jumping around like dumbasses to your favorite songs. It feels so good.

But then Ed’s strumming his guitar and asking people to put their phones in the sky, and Shawn’s wraps his arms around your waist from behind.

“I don’t usually dedicate this song to anyone, but a mate of mine asked, and I couldn’t refuse. So, y/n, wherever you are; this one's for you.”

The beginning chords of Perfect begin to play, but how could you ever focus on that through the tears?

“I can’t believe you!” You huffed spinning in his arms to face you.

His palms came up to hold your face in his hands and his lips touched your forehead, touched your lips, touched your ear.

“I wanted you to know that no one has ever loved anyone the way that I love you. This is the only way I knew how!”

And it hits you then in a way that it never has before. It’s not about the fact that your boyfriend got Ed Sheeran to dedicate a love song to you. It’s the inability to say what something is. You use similes and metaphors to try and describe feelings and it never really does it justice. But music, when it is at its most raw and it’s most guttural evokes love and pain and passion in a way that nothing else can. You know his love in that moment because the melodies are recreating it within you. Like it travels into your ear and down into your heart and settles there, nestles warm and soft, forever. And you love him just the same. In a way that consumes a piece of you until it is no longer your own, until it belongs to him as he belongs to you.

He holds you against his chest and he spins you around and he sings the words back into your ear over the loud expanse of the crowd. No one has ever loved anyone the way that you love each other. It’s yours. To have and to hold and to treasure. So you do.

****

*Three years later*

It’s a hard day. It’s been a hard month. A hard year in truth and you’re not sure what to do with it all. Shawn’s been on tour most of the year. His first headlining U.S tour had turned into a European tour had turned into a world tour. But, he was happy and so you were happy. In all honesty you had learned how complex emotions could be in your relationship with Shawn. Because you were happy for him. That was fact. You felt it sincerely and you knew in your bones that it wasn’t a lie. But, you were also sad when he was away. And he’d been away for so long that you were afraid you might forget the sound of his laugh, or the feel of his curls between your fingers. You felt the sadness and the fear and….and anger. There was an anger there too. At him? At yourself? At every single person who got to file into a room every night and see your boyfriend before you did?

But none of that was meant to matter that day. You were being honored with an award that night for your research. It was a really big deal because there grant money involved and you were the youngest person to ever win the award. There was a banquet And in your field there was rarely ever enough money for there to be a banquet. And Shawn was going to come. Shawn had promised he would come.

You’re on your way to get your hair done for the event when the call comes in.

“Babe!” You squeaked as the speaker phone kicked in. “I am on my way to the hair salon as we speak. Gotta try and look good if I’m gonna be stood next to you huh? Did you get your suit?”

“H--Hey sweetheart, listen I uh--”

“No. No. Shawn please, no.” You sighed pulling to a stop at the red light.

You hit weakly at the steering wheel in protest.

“I’m so sorry. Listen I--I’m so sorry. Andrew scheduled a last minute interview and the flights just aren’t lining up. I couldn’t say no.”

You chuckled. “Couldn’t say no. All I’ve heard in the last six months is no, but god forbid Andrew hear the word no.”

“Y/n, that’s not fair. You know how much this all means to me.”

“Yea, no, of course I do. I know how much everything means to you, Shawn, but what about me? Don’t I--do I pull any weight at all?”

The light turns green and your foot stutters on the gas like your lip stutters as the tears start to build again. There’d been an attempt to use “I feel” statements lately. It was your therapists idea. The idea that you should be sharing how you feel instead of stifling it as was usually your initial instinct. The problem became when you were overcome with emotion, the last thing you wanted to do was follow that stupid fucking exceriese.

“Of course you do. Do you wanna tell me what you’re feeling right now?”

Ugh.

“I feel like my boyfriend is an asshole. I feel like there is a line of fifty thousand people in front of me to visit who is supposed to be the love of my life. And everytime I think I’ve got my ticket? Every time I think I’m at least somewhere in the line of people in your life? Someone else just gets to jump in front because they’re more important.” You huffed as a tear ran angrily down your cheek. “This night meant so much to me. All I wanted was for you to be there. It’s the only thing I wanted.”

“Baby I--”

You don't think you can stand to hear him say sorry again, don’t think your fucking heart could take it. So, you hang up and you sit in the parking lot of your salon for fifteen minutes bawling your eyes out before you go and get your hair done because the world doesn’t stop spinning because your boyfriend’s a jackass. Which he is.

You get all dolled up that night in this beautiful black gown with a dangerously high knee slit . It was supposed to make you feel powerful, ethereal, beautiful. And somehow not having Shawn there just fucks all of that up. You just wanted him to be proud of you, wanted him to share in these important moments of your life the way that you had been there for every single one of his. It hurts worse than you knew what to do with. You can’t put makeup on that night because every few minutes you have to blink angrily to keep the tears at bay. The worst part is remembering how much Shawn loved you without it, and knowing that if he would’ve showed up he would’ve told you how beautiful you were. But, he wasn’t.

The ceremony is beautiful. You’re surrounded by the most intelligent people in your field and it makes you appreciate the work that you all are doing, validates that you’re not alone in that work. You’re sat a table with people who will probably go on to save the world, if it isn’t already too badly damaged, and that means something to you. Half way through the night your phone vibrates in the clutch you’d gotten to match your dress, which literally only fit your phone in it. It’s Shawn. Usually you would’ve excused yourself from whatever was going on to talk to Shawn. Your moments with him could often times feel fleeting and small. But tonight wasn’t about him for once. It was about you. And tonight you got to be the one who was too busy. If only for tonight.

You’re sitting at the bar sipping on whiskey on the rocks because you’re not driving home and they’ve already given you the award so who cares if you get a little tipsy when he comes up. He’s maybe just under six feet and his hair is brown and neatly trimmed though the shade is much too dark for your liking. He’s got wild green eyes and it pairs lovely with the darkness of his suit which happens to pair lovely with the darkness of your dress. Before you even blinked he’s sitting beside you and turning those green eyes on you. You noticed that his eyes were kind, and that you liked that.

“Hi.” He murmured nodding his head towards the glass in your hand. “Scotch?”

You grinned slightly. “Whiskey.”

“Ah, my kind of woman. Can I have whatever she’s having?” He asked the waiter.

You’d already had one so your head is feeling a little fluttery. You leaned your chin against your palm so you could see him better.

“You received an award for your work with Trans sexworkers in Atlanta right?”

“Yea, actually. Although most of the credit should go to my research partner Clara. Me being a cis-het male, who’s white-passing doesn’t exactly harber a connection with folks who have been victimized from people who look like me. I just was really fascinate by the topic and wanted to help in whatever way that I could.”

You nodded. “Yea, no I understand. The hardest thing is wanting to do work that elevates untold stories, but recognizing your privilege is deeply rooted in their oppression. Sometimes you just have to bow out. At least that’s what I think. But, uh I did my thesis for my masters on mental health and trans women. Most of my research ended up being tailored to Black women and women of color in LA because I was close and they was a bigger community of folks. I was really fascinated when I read your study.”

“Well thank you that means a lot coming from you. You’re kind of like the belle of the ball here.”

You snorted. Actually snorted. Ugh.

“I highly doubt that. I’ve only been alive a fraction of the time some people around here having been making meaningful impacts on their communities.”

“And yet you were given the most prestigious honor of the night.”

“Hmmm… You’ve got me there. Guess I’m kind of a badass.” You joked bringing your drink up to your lips.

You watched his eyes dip down to your mouth and perhaps you began to catch on that this wasn’t simply about your work.

The waiter placed his drink in front of him and he moved to take a sip only to wince as the alcohol burned his throat.

“Jesus. You are a badass.” He coughed.

“People tend to underestimate a woman’s ability to drink men under the table. Your shitty beer has nothing on my long islands. Assuming of course that we’re sticking to very gendered understandings of drinking, which I guess if my drink is anything to go off of, we’re not.”

He smiled at you and it made you un-cross and re-cross your legs. You hadn’t been smiled at like that in a long time.

“I never got the chance to introduce myself officially. I’m Jaden.”

He asked you more about what you were working on at the time. He offered suggestions for parameters to meet the needs of the communities you were working with. You talked about politics for a little while, and about the latest celebrity male that had been ostracized from the community for sexual assault or rape or persuasion or some other awful thing. It felt good to have someone to talk to, someone who understood. And sitting there, you could see it. You see how simple of a life it would have been to be with someone like him. Someone who’s work aligned with your own, someone who’s passions in life were similar. It would easier, for sure.

But, the second he’d stepped up to that bar the only thing your mind had registered was that he wasn’t Shawn. His hair color was off. He had neatly trimmed facial hair that thankfully Shawn didn’t.  His eyes weren’t the perfect shade of brown. And he would never cause the same excitement of Shawn sending you a news article about a terrible thing going on in the world, and knowing that his ability to critique and to learn had started with an intro to feminism course those few years ago. Shawn wasn’t an expert on all things social justice, but he cared because you did, and he made the effort to be plugged into your world. Well, except for tonight. And the last couple of months. Why’d you have to go and fuck up now?

“So uh...if you don’t mind me asking, there was a lot of talk about your boyfriend showing up here tonight.” Jaden finally murmured.

You hummed. “Really? Is that a thing that you all talk about?”

“Not me necessarily, but even human rights activists like a little gossip. I think rock-star heart throb makes that list.”

“At least you’re honest, I suppose.”

He smirked. “And you’re deflecting.”

“You never asked me a question.”

“Fair. Why isn’t your boyfriend here with the most beautiful woman in the room?”

You bit your lip eyes straining to your glass.

“I--I’m not sure.”

You don’t know why you said that. You knew Shawn had said there was press. There were interviews. There were things that needed his attention. You just couldn’t quite figure out why you weren’t one of them. What was wrong with you?

“I mean….I should--I should go.”

His hand reached out to touch your bare knee stilling you into silence. You hadn’t been touched by anyone who wasn’t Shawn in years.

“Hey, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to freak you out I just...You’re gorgeous. You’re incredibly intelligent, one of the smartest people in this room. The way you talked about your work tonight on that stage told me that your heart is absolutely massive. I’m struggling to understand a world where you’re not appreciated to the fullest degree. You gotta know you deserve that.”

His touch turned to fire on your skin. The fact that no one besides Shawn had touched you had been purposeful, and this, this felt wrong. He wasn’t yours and you weren’t his and more than that you didn’t want to be. So, you stood up and smoothed out your dress before downing the rest of your drink. You hoped that you looked graceful and elegant despite feeling like absolute shit inside. You wondered how long you’d feel like absolute shit inside.

“You have a nice night, Jaden.”

The driver waits outside for you and stumbling into the back seat slightly past tipsy and sad is not a good luck. You just wanted your dumb boyfriend to show up. That’s all that you had asked for. And now some dumbass had hit on you and tried to make you feel special and it’s not that that’s what you wanted at all. You didn’t want anyone to make you feel special, you wanted Shawn to be the one to do it. You just wanted him.

The tears began to well up again and before you knew it you were croaking at your driver to head for the nearest place that offered burgers.

“Ma’am that’s not really within my purview.”

You sniffled. “P--Please? I’ll pay whatever overtime there is.”

He looked at you in the mirror and maybe he pitied you a little bit because eventually you wind up parked outside your apartment barefoot with a cheeseburger in one hand and your fancy glass award in the other. The driver helps you to your door because whiskey is a hell of a drink and you spend some time fumbling with your keys before bursting through the door. You tip him double. You’re kind of a shit show; he deserves it.

You’re still munching on your cheeseburger and tripping over the trane of your dress when you stumble upon the flowers and the candles. In all honesty the alcohol is talking and it doesn’t really register in the way that it does. His bags are still on the ground by the door and the deeper you walk into the apartment the more his smell starts to linger in the air. You’d always found that so interesting. Shawn could be in Tokyo or Switzerland or Mexico, but every time he came home he still smelled like him. You loved that.

He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cupcake in front of him when you arrived. He turned to look at you and you could tell he hadn’t slept or shaved. There were bags beneath his eyes and a scruff on his chin. His hair was messy like he’d been tugging on it. But, he smiled when he saw you, eyes gentle and searching. This was home. Right here with him. Even an intoxicated you knew that.

“W--What are you doing here?”

“I changed the in-person interview to a phone interview. I tried to change my flight earlier to get here in time, I swear to you I did, but...this was the best I could do.” He sighed stepping heasistantly closer to you. “You look so beautiful in that dress, baby.”

Your eyes fluttered down to the ground shifting your weight back and forth on your ankles. The tears were coming again.

“Thanks.” You mumbled blinking down at your toes. “What’s with all the flowers and candles?”

He’s a little closer now. He’s trying to make eye contact with you, but he won’t reach out and touch unless you give him permission. You know that about him.

“I just wanted to show you that I care, that I’m here for you like you’re there for me. I--I wanted to apologize too, for ever making you feel like that wasn’t the case. You have every right to be angry with me. I guess I just wanted to try and make it up to you somehow.”

You don’t say anything back and he takes another step forward until your standing right in front of each other. The burger is long forgotten in your hand and the award feels even heavier in your grasp. He looks a little desperate in his eyes, an expression you don’t see from Shawn very often. He’s nervous. You wonder a little what he sees on your face that makes him feel this way.

“Babe,” His voice cracks around the word. “Y/n. Please, won’t you look at me?”

You sniffle and struggle to tilt your head up at him, but even then you can’t look him in the eye.

“What’s wrong? Did something happen at the dinner?”

A laugh burst past your lips and you wish you knew where the hell it came from.

“Are you drunk?”

He must have smelled the whiskey.

“Maybe.” you shrugged. “Still working on it though.”

You take another bite of the burger and shuffle past Shawn to get to the liquor cabinet in the kitchen. You know he’s directly behind you in the way your body knows when he settles into the bed at night behind you. It’s a sixth sense of some kind.

“Hey can we--can we just talk, please? Tell me what’s going through your head right now.”

“I don’t think that’s such a good idea.” You mumbled.

“Why? You’re freaking me out, y/n. Just talk to me.”

You don’t raise your voices at each other. It’s a thing that you have. You used to watch your dad yell at your mom when you were a little kid, and truthfully just watched men in various stages of anger. It always made you flinch. You must have confessed it once during a night with a little too much to drink, or a night when he’s made you feel so happy you forgot what a secret even was. He’d never really, intentionally raised his voice before, but after that night he’d purposely kept his voice calm in even the angstiest of times with you. Right now his voice is edging up an octave. It’s not yelling, doesn’t even make you flinch, but you notice that he’s not a hundred percent composed.

You settle your palms against the kitchen counter trying to tether yourself to the room, to the moment. Usually Shawn always did that for you, but right now you’ve never felt more away.

“There was a guy tonight.”

It slips out. It’s like word vomit. Everything you’re thinking is moving much faster than your mouth is capable of, and the whiskey acts as a truth serum to your innermost thoughts. No amount of alcohol in the world could ever make you forget the look on his face when you said it though, the way his mouth just sort of popped open. His palm comes to rest over his heart like maybe just that alone was enough to break him. And suddenly you’re hurting too. You’re hurting more than him missing any dumb banquet could ever accomplish because this is Shawn’s pain. Shawn’s pain always hurts more.

“What does that mean? What do you--what happened?”

“Nothing. Nothing happened. I was just sitting at the bar drinking and he sat down. He told me he loved my work. H--He did research with Trans sex-workers in Atlanta and we talked about that. He’s pro prison abolition. He studied anthropology and political science in undergrad and got his PhD in critical race theory. And he--”

“The point, y/n. Get to the point. So he’s perfect for you is that what you’re trying to tell me? He’s smarter than me, he cares more about human rights, he’s dedicated his life to the same work that you do. What are you saying to me right now?”

He’s freaking out. You’re freaking out.

“Maybe? Yea, maybe he’d be better for me.”

He blinks, shock clear on his face. He thumbs at his lip and those are tears in his eyes. A curl falls down to his forehead, but you know that it’s not your place to fix it right now. Don’t know how you can fix any of it.

“You don’t mean that.”

A tear hits your bottom lip and it shocks you into speech.

“I do. I really do. He’d be a lot better for me. H--He said I was the most beautiful woman in the room tonight.” Your lip trembled, the tears flowing freely now.

He reaches for you palms up, touching gently at the fabric of your dress, but you pull yourself back more firmly against the counter. You’ve gotta get it out while you can and he can’t be touching you or you’ll just fall apart in his hands. You know yourself too well.

“Y--You are beautiful. When have I ever told you you’re not beautiful? Y/n, I love you with all of my heart, why are you doing this?”

“Could you just shut the fuck up for two seconds?!” You snapped fingers pulling anxiously at your hair.

There’s a tear drop hanging off the edge of his chin that your fingers itch to wipe away, but you can’t. Not yet.

“I know my own worth okay? I know my own worth and I know what I deserve and this isn’t it. And it is not because of your career. I--I love what you do, and it makes me so fucking happy to watch you live your dream. I don’t resent your music or your fans or the fame. I can deal with all of it, I swear I can. What I can’t deal with is coming last all of the time. It’s a show and then it’s a music video, an award show, a studio run, and now an interview? The biggest moment of my career and you can’t make it because of an interview?”

“B--But I’m here right now! I came as soon as I could! I am doing my best.”

“Yea? You’re telling me that the night you won your first grammy, if I had skipped it to meet with a client that would have been okay with you?”

He pauses and you know it makes more sense than anything else to him. That situating things in his world will help him see.

“Look none of that matters. None of it matters. Because I’ve never loved anyone the way that I love you.”

He wipes angrily at his eyes with the back of his hand and sniffles.

“What?”

“That guy at the bar? He came up to me and all that I could think about...was you. And how he wasn’t you. And how much all I wanted was for you to come home. Even though I’d spent all afternoon crying over you, I still want you. I would rather have the worst of you than the best of someone else. And that’s fucked up. And I hate that. But, it’s true.”

“So you didn’t--You’re not leaving me?”

“No. I couldn’t even if I wanted to. I just want you to want to care about me, I guess. That’s all I ever wanted.”

When he reaches for you this time you let him. When he wraps his arms around you and tucks you under his chin it’s instant warmth, instant safety, and instant healing. Really all it takes is for him to be present to soothe you, and that’s all you’d been trying to say from the beginning.

Neither of you talk that night. You’re too busy holding each other in bed. He’s still in his jeans and t-shirt from the plane and you don’t even take your dress off. It’s a little hard to remember all of the pain when you’re re-familiarizing yourself with his scent. When his fingers are in your hair or drawing shapes along your spine. You know that it’s late and that you should definitely be asleep but you fight it every step of the way because finally he’s here with you and you’re not ready to give that up yet. And with your head perched against his chest listening to the rhythm of his heart and the sound of his breath, you know that he isn’t either. Somehow though, even after the different time zones and the flights, he’s going to out last you and you both know it. The last thing you remember is his lips touching your ear.

“Go to sleep. I swear to you I’ll be here when you wake up.”

His arms tightened around you and that was all it took.

When you wake up it’s because the sun is lighting up the room again. There are blown out candles everywhere and more rose petals on the bed. A headache blooms behind your eyelids and you almost forget everything that happened the night before. But when your eyes open Shawn’s still sitting there against the headboard, arms and legs crossed, like he hadn’t moved all night.

“Did you sleep?” You croaked, voice still tired from the booze and crying.

He shook his head softly. “Couldn’t.”

It takes a little bit for you to sit up. You’re body already feels old and you’re not even thirty yet as you hunch yourself into a sitting position on your knees. Your dress bunches around your thighs and the slit comes to rest dangerously high, your lace underwear sticking slightly out. In a simpler world that would’ve been Shawn’s focus. But you’re not there yet.

Shawn’s not looking at you when he speaks initially. It’s quiet, no movement in the room except for the dust motes twirling in the air. And even when he speaks the room still feels too still.

“I spent all night trying to figure out what to do.” He started. “I thought about...about what it would feel like to let you go? If that guy was truly better for you.”

You sighed. “Shawn he was just some random guy at the bar. It didn’t mean anything.”

“But it did, didn’t it? It’s not the guy, it’s about what he can offer you. What any other normal guy could offer you that I’m not. And if I loved you, if I really loved you wouldn't I give you that? Shouldn’t my main priority be to make you happy?”

He’s scaring you now. And maybe you deserve it. Maybe he’s been waiting all this time to call it quits to decide that it’s not worth it to try and meld your lives together anymore.

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying I’m not as good of a person as I thought I was. Because I can’t give you up. I don’t--I don’t want to give you up. I love you more than anyone I’ve ever loved. I can’t even imagine my life not intertwined with yours.

“Last night was the worst night of my life. To know that I haven’t shown you the love that you deserve kills me. Loving you is all I’ve ever wanted. And I’m not even doing it right.” He sighed finally turning to look at you with tears in his eyes. “Y/n I’m so sorry. I can’t even begin to...I just want to deserve you.”

Your minds must be in sync because you both reach for each other at the same time. There’s crying and you’re both trying to hold each other’s faces and wipe away tears at the same time. It’s ridiculous and sappy but it’s so fucking nourishing .

“I love you.” He whimpered against your mouth. “I’m so sorry. I’m gonna make it better, I promise.”

He starts with breakfast in the kitchen. You're both still in clothes from the night before. And while your eating his scrambled eggs and toast you hear him sit in the living room and talk to Andrew for over thirty minutes to change his schedule around. You don’t realize that’s what he’s doing until you start hearing the “no’s” over and over again. When he comes back to you he nuzzles his head against yours kissing crumbs away from your lips.

“I talked to Andrew.” He explained. “I’m gonna take a few weeks off instead of promo between legs. And when the tour is finished we’re gonna sit down and re-evaluate my schedule. And I--I’d like you to be there if you want. Maybe you can bring your schedule and we can coordinate times to just be together?”

It was such a drastic shift that you just sort of stared at him for a minute, lips parted, eyes wide.

“Just us?”

He reaches for your fingers and brings them to his lips.

“Yea. Just us. I was actually gonna ask if you might want to go on a trip with me.”

“A trip to where?”

“I uh I hadn’t actually gotten that far, but I figured we could pick together.” He smiled. “Just wanna be with you for a little while.”

“Shawn,” You sighed. “You don’t have to do all of this. I don’t need the world alright? I just need you. It’s all I ever wanted.”

“Yea well, what if I wanna give you both?”

He pecked quickly at your lips and down to the crook of your neck.

“The only reason I should ever make you cry should be from cumming so hard it brings tears to your eyes. I’ve got a lot of loss time to make up for, but I’d really like to try if you’ll let me.”

You peek over at him and it’s just as well. He really is the devil in the body of a god. It’s so fucking rude.

“Yea well I’m not gonna say no to that so just fucking take me already.”

And take you he did.

TBC

taglist: @shawnieeeeboy

[gheckoe]

JAMES’S CURATED QUALITY FANFICTION PRIMER

for @rev0lutions-of-ruin, who tumblr does not like letting me tag

foolish bird avoids ao3 for years and misses out on the Good Shit, but it will be okay! she has THIS now. ft. DUMB LONG-WINDED CAPTAIN AMERICA MOVIE EXPLANATIONS, because i don’t think you would watch those movies willingly.

lots of selection - pick and choose, but if you don’t read “out of the dead land” i will be very sad. just treat this as really weird queer genre fiction and you’ll be alright. fics with pornographic content are marked as such, but said content is easy to skip as long as you can pick up on the warning signs.

we’re gonna start with the funny stuff.

nanananana BAT-DAD! (no ships, just bruce being a dad. safe for work and hilarious,)

who needs therapy when you have microsoft excel.

tim drake (robin 3) is a transgender teenage disaster. and bruce wayne is just generally a disaster. (same series.)

okay, now let’s get kind of sad. but not TOO sad.

nananananananana BATMAN (and superman)

this one made watching batman vs. superman worth it. not quite. but kind of. it’s fantastic.

i forget what happens in this one but i know i enjoyed it!

snk? why this, james. why this.

bad show, i know, but. formative experience. i figured out i was trans by projecting my feelings onto jean kirchstein. (not sure how, that’s just what happened.)

this one is stupidly fucking huge, in first person, and still isn’t finished.

included by virtue of some weird nostalgia. it’s half a million words long. try the first few chapters; i can’t guarantee anything that happens. don’t fucking judge me.

boring, punch me in the feelings already. more angst!

STEVEBUCKY

i don’t think you’ve watched the captain america movies, so i will explain them.

the saddest, gayest shit you will ever see. will fuck with your heart, ideally! but (as per always), skip the porn. this fandom is really big on it. UGH.

BUT it’s based off of movie adaptations of comic books, so the backstory is... ridiculous. i will summarize it for you. (tumblr ate this so here goes again)

THE DYNAMIC/history/massive goddamn ship manifesto

two guys, sitting in the great depression, two feet apart because it’s not socially acceptable to be gay

steve: tiny, blonde, always mad and big on SOCIAL JUSTICE. gets into fights for SOCIAL JUSTICE, despite growing up in the great depression when SOCIAL JUSTICE was not a commonly-known phrase or a common thing. he’s a bit of a shit, and he gets into shit. with his scrawny lil fists. he has all sorts of chronic illnesses but somehow manages to survive in a time with shitty medicine, and grow up to get into MORE shit. likes art, but is (partially?) colorblind

also he’s VERY HEAVILY coded as trans.

bucky: taller, brown hair, very popular but secretly a bit of a nerd (loves scifi, and is good at math). likes dancing, girls, and getting steve out of situations that he’s clearly over his head in and talking shit about it after. a bit of a charmer, etcetera.

there are some good fics from this era (”pre-war”) but idk where they are in my bookmarks. will update later.

so wait, what happens?

bucky gets steve out of dumb situations (like fighting a guy for talking during a movie) for pretty much all of their life. childhood friends until after high school-ish.

BUT, bucky is either drafted into the us army (it’s wwii now) or enlists, and steve is left alone in brooklyn, new york, to get into shit, without anyone to bail him out or prevent him from getting into MORE shit. so he finally manages to lie his scrawny, ill ass into the army, and (as one does) volunteers to get experimented on by the american government.

wait, what the fuck

comic books, okay. don’t @ me.

steve manages not to die! he finds a really pretty, badass lady to bisexually fawn over in the army (peggy carter is a fucking miracle), the experiments are a success and he ends up BIG and cured of all his ailments and with superfast metabolism (no alcohol) and superfast healing. he’s made it! (he basically just got really fast, unrealistic HRT hahaha)

... except the army can’t replicate the embiggening process they did with steve because the scientist that did it got killed, and steve is made into a glorified prettyman mascot to sell war bonds, instead of going to punch nazis, which he would be better at. he is a terrible mascot.

meanwhile, bucky has a shitty goddamn time in the european theatre. it’s terrible. he gets kidnapped by the EVIL SCIENCE NAZIS and put in a freaky camp and experimented on, poor guy.

you said you ship them, right? they’ve barely interacted so far, man. what the fuck.

alright alright i’m getting to it

steve the dancing monkey (in his words) is doing a Morale-Raising tour in europe for the troops and they hate it and he hates it. he discovers that... oh shit... bucky and his regiment (?) have been kidnapped by HYDRA! (the science nazis.)

naturally, he of little training MUST go save bucky, because the people that actually know how to save people know that it would be pointless to try. but steve “dumb shit” rogers will do it his own damn self. don’t @ him either. it’s the 1940s so he doesn’t have a phone.

steve will walk to austria, if he has to!... but he actually just gets a plane ride there, from peggy carter the badass and some other guy who’s not that relevant right now.

he KICKS NAZI ASS, SAVES THE PRISONERS, and MAKES MEANINGFUL EYE CONTACT WITH BUCKY ONCE HE FINDS HIM IN THE EVIL SCIENCE NAZI EXPERIMENTATION ROOM. bucky’s so out of it that he barely even tries to question why his old friend is suddenly hot  TALL.

steve and the lads walk back from austria, and he is a Bona Fide War Hero and not just a mascot. he has the stylish grime and everything. on the way, he realizes that the lads are pretty cool, and assembles a Diverse Crack Squad of Guys That Really Wanna Kill Nazis from the cool guys he just met. upon return to wherever they were earlier, steve is made a REAL CAPTAIN now, and his Diverse Crack Squad is at liberty to... go kill nazis.

bucky tags along. he is very handsome and talented at math, so he is a SNIPER and saves steve’s dumb ass (from getting shot by nazis, instead of getting punched in the face) like he used to. the Diverse Crack Squad gears up to take down THE WORST OF THE SCIENCE NAZIS, on a train in the mountains! they can change the course of COMIC BOOK WWII!

you said it was tragic. show me the tragic.

the TRAIN INFILTRATION does not go as planned, and bucky is knocked from the train and falls to his cold, painful, (presumably) death. steve can’t watch.

they catch a REALLY BAD SCIENCE NAZI, but it is a very hollow victory. steve goes and tries to get drunk in a blown-up bar where he hung out with bucky and they were really queer together.

the OTHER really bad science nazi now has a plan to BLOW UP COMIC BOOK NEW YORK! steven will NOT allow this to happen.

he’s also kind of given up on life. he has a flair for the dramatic, and also the ambiguously suicidal.

not that being ambiguously suicidal adds to the Dramatic Romance of this. it doesn’t, and that would be creepy. the point is that steve rogers has a LOT of issues, including the ones that science can’t cure.

this SPECIFIC PLANE is headed towards new york, full of explosives. steve manages to get aboard the plane... and doesn’t even try to escape. he crashes it into the water in the atlantic ocean, saying goodbye to peggy on the radio as it hits. he is also presumed dead. it’s... basically a suicide attempt.

flash forward seventy-some years.

wait, wasn’t he in the avengers?

steve rogers is found inside the frozen plane encased in ice in the ocean. he’s revived (super healing, woop) and... doesn’t say anything, because he’s really not up to expressing feelings.

he has a TERRIBLE time. all of his friends are dead or old and went about their lives without him, and he’s alone in a confusing new world. (but the food is better, vaccines are good, and no polio.) he’s not fantastic at making new friends, because, as shown by him and bucky’s entire relationship, he’s a bit of a sad introvert and just picks one person and... holds on.

blah blah avengers one blah blah, new team and fighting BAD THINGS. but steve is too angsty to make friends. he joins the new security organization that peggy founded, SHIELD, without really inspecting it that well because... he didn’t plan to be alive past flying the plane into the ice, much less in the 21st century. he doesn’t know what he’d do otherwise.

idk that sounds a little slow

he has DEPRESSION. it is a little slow. but it’ll pick up! (not emotionally.) now it’s very anti-establishment action flick. enter CAPTAIN AMERICA (2): THE WINTER SOLDIER.

steve makes a friend. actually, two! sam and natasha are wonderful, and they have some things in common. but steve obtains friendship while realizing that SHIELD is corrupt to the core and actually infiltrated by HYDRA, so he and his new friends have to... burn it to the ground. he “died” (or tried to) to stop HYDRA, and it’s still here and worse then ever. things feel pointless.

to make it worse, he’s fighting this creepily effective impersonal masked assassin on a bridge and oh fuck, oh fuck it’s bucky and didn’t he die years and years ago and his arm is METAL what happened to him, and he’s pretending not to recognize steve.

HYDRA is planning to eliminate sources of resistance for their new world order via shooting them from the air, so steve has to take one specific FLYING DEATHMACHINE down. he does, and brainwashed HYDRA bucky, the winter soldier, is there to stop him.

steve makes an appeal to emotions. “bucky stop you can’t do this”

bucky is confused, but he’s been programmed to do this.

steve tells his coworkers to JUST SHOOT THE DEATHMACHINE DOWN ALREADY, because he’s... given up again. he’s very talented at equating heroism with self-sacrifice/suicide. but he disables the DEATH part of the DEATHMACHINE without it getting shot down.

bucky has been trapped underneath a beam, but steve’s with bucky till the end of the line, even if bucky is brainwashed and lacking memories. steve drops his shield in the water and falls.

it’s another attempt to die. stop that, steve. go to therapy.

bucky doesn’t remember who he is, but he jumps after him. steve is very injured from his fight with bucky, and wouldn’t have survived the fall, but bucky drags him to shore and... leaves.

steve wakes up in the hospital with his new friend sam. they’re going to track bucky down, even if it takes forever.

ISN’T THAT FUCKED UP? isn’t that sad? it’s terrible. now, fics. most of them are after ca:tws, because that’s when the ship got popular. a lot of them center around Finding Bucky and Getting To Know Him Again.

there’s a lot of sappy sad let’s-teach-bucky-how-to-be-a-person-again-and-get-steve-to-be-less-sad but i like the ones that are like sad action movies, or sad queer movies, and less like sad romance movies. my bookmarks are a mess, so here’s the best stuff i could dredge up.

out of the dead land: this one kills me every single time. there’s something terribly cinematic about it. but, as fandom is wont to do, there’s porn near the end. skip that part. ew. it’s an introspective scifi action epic, with just enough identity issues to make you want to cry! READ IT, IT’S IMPORTANT.

this: alternate universe, sans steve “dying.” epistolary. sad, as far as i can remember. (i’d rec the rest of this series but i think it’s best if you read this one first?)

courtroom/media fic. what if the winter soldier got arrested after the movie? (cap fandom does this kind of fake-media thing very well. i just reread it. it’s still good.)

this one isn’t exactly groundbreaking, but it’s a different take on the fandom’s typical post-winter soldier bucky interpretation. quite short, 100% safe for work.

in this one, steve successfully gets drunk, makes some friends, and gains some coping skills. good for dark humour. there’s porn somewhere but i’m sure it’s easily skippable, otherwise i wouldn’t have bookmarked it. not 100% the best thing every but it’s pretty fun.

if you aren’t team s/b all the way then we can’t be friends, but here’s some other marvel stuff i guess

lesbians, ballet, feelings? it’s a rarepair but it’s pretty lovely. au, no background knowledge required. basically a beautiful indie film that’s kind of oscar-bait. you will like this one, i think. there’s probably porn somewhere.

trans black widow. (that chapter only, not sure what the rest is). not very well-written and i have terrible memory but i’m 75% sure it made me cry.

ENJOY! or try to. don’t feel obligated to. but please at least TRY out of the dead land, it is groundbreaking.

[cleanlittlesecret]

I'm sending you a ship and a character because I can :>c so Heith and Lance!

Thanks for basically sending me Klunk.

001 | Heith

when I started shipping it if I did: "By the way, Hunk, you really came through in the clutch back there. Without you, the mission would have been a failure.“ The entire thing around Keith making a joke opened my eyes to how cute they can be together, but this is moment that sealed my fate, and I’m spiritually obligated to reference it whenever possible.

my thoughts: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

What makes me happy about them: Other people have articulated this way better than I ever could, but basically Hunk and Keith are different in so many ways and complement each other well!! And even in s1 they had moments of really getting along (their dialogue during the Klunk hug, their dynamic in the Castle party scene, “Hunk. Calm down. And yes, blasting.” etc bc my memory is shit rn), and that was before they had what was pretty much their Bonding Episode, haha. Also, speaking of That, Keith appreciates how smart Hunk is! He gives Hunk emotional support and makes sure he knows his work is appreciated! And although Keith was probably annoyed by it at the time, I love how Hunk just point-blank asks questions and says goofy things about him being Galra instead of tiptoeing around it like someone with an actual filter would have done. This entire paragraph probably reads like an overexcited dog wagging its tail, but I’m love Heith! They’ve made me a happier person in general!

What makes me sad about them: They’re a fricking rare pair, oh my god.

things done in fanfic that annoys me: I haven’t really read that much fic for this fandom?? And like, almost everything I have read has come from the Heith tag on AO3, but I’m still super picky to begin with, so I don’t think I’ve noticed any fic trends with them that annoy me. I guess my only complaint is the sheer number of fics which have them be the background couple for ships that make me uncomfortable (seriously, the works number on their tag nose-dives as soon as I start filtering out stuff), but I recognize that’s a personal issue.

things I look for in fanfic: Again, same issue as above with me not having read that much?? But I guess I look for like, G-rated fic since nsfw stuff for this fandom in general makes me want to peel my skin off, woops. I would love to see a good plotty thing with them which explores and tests their relationship and isn’t afraid to show them working together and disagreeing with each other in turn, but like, I don’t think such a thing exists rn.

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: Lance for either one, and also would be happy if Hunk ends up with Shay. It wouldn’t bother me at all for that ship to become canon because they’re adorable together.

My happily ever after for them: GOD…Like, my headcanon for how they would get together in a canonverse setting has always been Keith catches feelings first, starts hanging around Hunk all the time like a clingy cat, and Hunk ends up liking him back thanks to getting to know him better from spending so much time together, so then I guess the continuation for it would be they get together, don’t die in this literal space war, eventually go home to Earth, and get to have a peaceful rest of their lives together. I’m a simple woman with simple needs, and I just want them to be happy, oh my god.

who is the big spoon/little spoon: I don’t care?? I’ve never cared about cuddling as much as fandoms apparently do.

what is their favorite non-sexual activity: Sharing their interests and hobbies with each other. It probably starts with Hunk info-dumping to Keith about stuff like engineering and cooking, but over time Keith becomes comfortable enough to start talking about his interests too, and their conversations start to balance out better.

002 | Lance

How I feel about this character: He’s good…tries his best…loves his friends and family…I love him…I mean, yeah, he’s not perfect, and he’s done stuff in canon I didn’t like, but his heart’s in a good place. (tbh I’ve basically spent the last few weeks getting emo over Lance while writing notes for that AU I told you about. Like, literally tearing up from how much love I have for him while plotting a fic. I’m ridiculous.)

All the people I ship romantically with this character: Hunk, Keith

My non-romantic OTP for this character: Him and Allura! I love the idea of a friendship between them where Lance finally Takes A Hint about her not being interested and simmers his flirting down into a running joke between them where he just gives her random compliments because she sure as hell deserves them. I think they could be good friends if he would just chill already. (Also, you know how much I love the dynamic he had with Coran in the homesick scene and pod-cleaning scene.)

My unpopular opinion about this character: Don’t really know if it would count as ~unpopular~ since I’ve seen other people criticize this as well, but I dislike the fandom’s fixation on Langst or Lance being tortured or whatever. I know he’s not like, 100% happy and confident all the time, but it feels like some fans go too far with how they interpret his issues, and it can get kinda…fetishy, I guess. Also, it annoys me when people criticize Shiro for getting onto Lance for his more inappropriate behavior, like the pilot scene where he cuts Lance off before Lance can finish that "particle barrier” line. Would those people prefer Lance actually be allowed to say what sounds like a thinly veiled dick joke to a girl he’d basically just met?

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: I have hope in s3 giving us some good Lance development (I Want To Believe), but as it stands now, I’m still a bit annoyed by how s2e10 handled his insecurity about feeling like he doesn’t serve a purpose for the team. Yes, I Know I just complained about fandom focusing too much on angsty stuff for him, but the way the show introduced that issue and then appeared to resolve it in the same episode felt like a cop-out me. Also, despite the odds of it happening being excruciatingly low, I love the thought of Lance being confirmed bi in canon.

my OTP: Klance

my cross over ship: what the fuck

a headcanon fact: Lance actually does know how to sew. His mother taught him when he was little so he could help her repair the little tears and other damage constantly being inflicted on clothes and blankets and stuff around their house.

[lordgeales]

One entire year at Tumblr :D

DEAL WITH IT

An entire year at Tumblr running a rp blog for a vampire that we now know.. A tiny bit about. Instead of just a whole lot of nothing. When I think about it, I don’t think that much has changed, but looking back... It has. Back when I started up, I honestly had no idea how the customs of tumblr RPs worked. I didn’t know about rules, formatting posts, icons... Honestly NOTHING at all. I’m still amazed that no one yelled at me. 

I think I caught on pretty quickly tho, four months later, I made this blog. Changing from a sideblog, to a main. And boy, that changed a lot. With that came the new icons(why did I decide to go all out with them... Whhyyy), promos, rules, a design(that is very old holy-), and everything a RP’er should have. At least according to tumblr. 

Although I have to say that I still felt a bit alone being on tumblr. I never really got to speak to people OOC, and the ones I reached out to.. Oboi (((: Let’s forget about that. It gradually became better. In May I met what I’d call my first “tumblr friend”. Who unfortunately isn’t very active RP-wise anymore.

December was wild compared to the rest of my time. Starting with a meme that led to me getting to talk with Lily(@elyon-kurae​), not to mention the dear Vero(@monophagia​) joining in on the RP :D! That has led to yet another chain event, and I’m very much involved in the RP community now. I think I finally understand what it’s all about.

And although I’ve been through a lot, weeks of inactivity, spikes of activity and shitposting, tons of asks, lack of asks.. Hm, well, we’re still here. I still have the pleasure of talking to most of the people I did back in the days, and a lot of new to call friends.

The people I’ve been interacting with through the time under the cut. Read at own risk it’s very... Long.

People listed in the correct order they appeared at my blog c;

@lestkarrkingofeurope: Starting out with a strange RP on a drawing I won(reblogged just before this post~). I have no idea what we were doing, but it was a lot of fun! Also the reason I even stumbled into this community to begin with. Lately I’ve had the pleasure of being... blessed a lot. Save me from my sins, oh holy tsunami.

@forgottenprogenitor: I think you came along with Lest, with your former muse, Akane. I adored that RP, giving me a chance to show some of Urds more gentle sides. Akihiko was the absolute breakthrough though, I adore him. I love our interactions, and look forwards to yet another year!

@tatsu-rose-bathory: YOU CAME WITH A FLOWECROWN! I remember that much :D! It took a few weeks before we eventually interacted, but I was pretty much in love with Tatsu from the start(still very much am). I really enjoy reading about her, not to mention their occasional small talk they do nowadays. It’s so nice having someone around that Urd actually looks at with gentle eyes ;-;

@makotonarumi/@dusksovereign​: Unfortunately no longer active, but just for the sake of people reading it - Holy fUCK?! When you first reached out to me I was soooo confused. Still am. You are/were an amazing writer, and honestly I felt so bad whenever I wrote replies, because.. Ah, I didn’t feel worthy at all. You were extremely nice to me, however, sending me all kinds of anon-love, tagging me in memes... Ahh. Thank you so much. I don’t think you know how much it meant to me. Just. Thank you. And I’m sorry for being such a slob with the replies.

@ferid-trash-bathory/@shusaku: Turns out you’ve been around forever. Through it all. Wow. Sometimes I do wonder just how bad of an impression i left back then *lol*. Ah, I remember us talking every now and then, it’s just lately I’ve come to know you for “real”. I really like your portrayal of “Fred”, not to mention Shusaku.... Who I might have been a bit mean to back then.... *coughs* Aha, but I’ve been sure that you were nice for a very long time. Still very happy that I reached out to you about the Egypt AU. Although Vero was dying in the background. Best meme lord. Also someone I can always trust to help Urd get revenge on Saito. Gotta get back at that ass amirite.

@mrsaitou: “My first real Tumblr friend” ahh. I really miss having you around. We talked a lot about... I don’t even know. But we talked a lot. I can’t even remember if it started in May, where the first meme with you were tagged, or if we started talking later on. I think I have your personal somewhere... Might dig that out sometimes soon to hear what you’re up to.

krultepxs: Deactivated, unfortunately... A Krul I had tons of fun with, planning all kind of strange stuff. Urd keeping Krul a prisoner after her treason in the Kremlin. An AU where they had to marry. Unfortunately we never got to RP, or plan that much due to me going hiatus for a few weeks. 

@lvstforblood​: OKAY WE BONDED OVER A MEME... And then never talked again. Rip. But if you ever feel like rp’ing, you know where to find me. Winks at.

@asurayuucentral​/@perfectasura​: I can’t even remember when you started coming around tbh, but we haven’t interacted that much. Still I feel like you’re kinda my friend, and I love to see your little likes and crack reblogs ;-;! Also I’d love to rp with you some more whenever!

@erisblonde​: Wonder if you’re still around and into the fandom? We’ve theorized a lot about Urd ahh... Unfortunately it kinda died out - probably due to me going inactive. I tend to do that a lot, huh... Just know, that if you feel like talking theories, hit me up. Anytime. Anyday.

@riddlemehiss/@dil-a-to-ry: WOOP! MY FAVORITE CAT! Okay I was kinda skeptic when The Cheshire cat waltzed into my askbox. But surprisingly I really enjoy his interactions with Urd. You play him amazingly, like holy shit. I’ve enjoyed every single second. Also you’re a really nice person, I think I still see you around every now and then, although Cheshire is on Hiatus. But if you ever feel like reviving him... You can count on Urd to be confused by his lack of respect for gravity :P!

@masterofzawarudo: Can I just say that I love everything about Dio. Although Urd doesn’t. In fact he’s probably annoyed by every single fiber of his being. Sorry for not reaching out to you more often, you’re seriously awesome. Although I find it kinda hard to connect on the strength-level, since our muses come from such different verses. BUT AS LONG AS THEY DON’T FIGHT I’M UP FOR ANYTHING. COME FIGHT ME! YA! wait, don’t do that. Fuck. Also I don’t follow you because I don’t watch Jojo, and you post so much stuff about that rip, still love your blog tho

@kruliisms: Hmmm... Here’s where I’m in doubt. I never wrote it down anywhere, but are you perhaps Krultepxs? Ah, I don’t know. What I know for sure, is that we never really got back to RP’ing, and that you’ve gone inactive yet again. But just to let you know, if you ever feel like doing something with Urd - you’re more than welcome to hit me up :)!

@krullish: Hmm... I think we planned something a while back, but never got around to do it? But anyway, if you feel like RPing with the... shitty russian vampire lord, well... Here I am. Still around c;!

@repulsc: EEEYYYYYYY CASCADA AND LATE NIGHT SHIT POSTING! That my jam. Also chain kinks. I did not say that. I don’t think we’ve ever done anything aside from shitposting and endless icon threads of stare-battles. Always up for more. Or smth serious, whatever you feel like. Winks very hard at.

@brassboundvalkyrie: I think I first noticed you for real when you commented on a picture of me(the mun), however I never really got around to talk to you. Unfortunately our muses are not very compatible orz! BUT HEY! Suddenly you were there, yelling to me about Vero, and whelp... I accidentally joined. Whops. You’re a real nice person, and I looove your Horn. Hope she’ll find a Crowley soon. Until then, I’ll suffer in silence with you. Looking forwards to meeting you c;! Just... No straw, and no masks, k?

@wintersoldier-barnes: Wiggles eyebrows Please send me more Urd. Send me all the Urd. I love the Urd. Gimme the Urd. Urd drug buddy. Also yet another sinner of the SaiUrd squad. Feel free to send me (n)Urds at any times, or just anything in general. You’re amazing to talk to, so~! Also you’re a really pretty Urd holy shit

@rk-silverknight: You just fit in here for some strange reason, because Noblesse yass! We’ve never interacted ic, but you’re still a really nice person! I hope we’ll get to talk some more sometimes in the future. Or perhaps break the bundaries between our muses worlds... Who knows. Perhaps they could actually get along.... Or just have a silent starring contest. 

@elyon-kurae: I can’t even... How did we go from relationship meme to... Talking about high and low? You are an adorable person, and.. So sorry for ruining your innocence orz! BUT EYY SAIURD BUDDY~! Also corner buddy, Tumblr sis, and everything really. I like you tons <3

@rigr-stafford: It’s really nice to have you around! I know we haven’t talked much ooc, but just stretching a leggi out and saying EY I LIKE YOU TOO! Looking forwards to our future interactions!

@borntobeafangirlxd: I think it’s really cute how you manage to like my posts all the time. Aaahhh, you probably have no idea how much it means to me! I’m so happy you like my portrayal, 

@monophagia: How the fuck did the tag “Another traitor has joined the game~” END UP IN A THREAD WITH MIKU, A TV BEING IMPALED BY A SPOON, AND MAKEOUT ON THE BLOODY FLOOR?! KJLaslfhalskfd. I cannot. Even. Just... Lol. Also you liking that Saito-rp-partner ask, and actually making a blog for him is probably the best thing that happened in my whole Tumblr history. You almost deserve a whole post by itself, so I’ll just stop before it gets too long lol. I love u bby, and I fucking adore your Saito. Be it angsty human Saito who gets way too dramatic whenever Urd ignores him, the priest who adores his pharaoh way too much, or the canon-vampire with his weird pudding obsession. You’re a joy to write with, and honestly I’m amazed we’re still keeping it up. I’M SO HAPPY YOU REACHED OUT TO ME?! OK SEE U IN LIKE... SOON. Don’t kidnap me for too long when I come to Germany tho. I cannot German. 

@playfulprogenitor: For some reason I can’t tag you? BUT just want to let you know, that you’re free to swing by anytime! It was really fun seeing you join in on the shitposting! 

@lacus-owns-you: We actually interacted through your OC @louischerel long before I even knew that it was you on that Lacus account. HELLO MOMMY! You’re a joy to talk to, and although we rarely RP, I still enjoy haning out with you ooc <3!

@hiiragi-yukine: Aaah you seem so nice! Although we haven’t really spoken outside the RPs, I really enjoy your OC. Also Yukine as faceclaim doesn’t make it any worse noragamiftwamirite.

@ALL THE PEOPLE I PROBABLY FORGOT

Thank you so much for following me! And I’m so sorry if I forgot you, I had to go through a lot of posts, so I probably did orz.

@ALL MY ANONS

I LOVE YOU TONS THANKS FOR ALL THE ASKS THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT

AND THANK YOU FOR LOVING URDS BUTT I know it’s amazing

He secretly loves you too